Original subtitles

(electronic music)

- Oliver, can you plug the router back in?

I'm trying to track a package.

- Ugh, give me a minute. (Liza): Hey guys?

What's up with the internet?

I can't log on to TaskIt. It's prime gigging hour.

It's right after everyone checks Instagram,

but before they get drunk.

- I thought as an "elite status" tasker,

you got your pick of the jobs?

- I told you, TaskIt got bought.

Okay? There's no status of any kind, now.

It's a goddamn free for all!

- Right...

Really?

Nothing about your situation down there?

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- The oversized bags you're carrying?

- Heh. Dude, you're crazy.

- Liza, when did you get surgery?

And why didn't you tell me so I could "borrow" some of your Vicodin?

What? It's not for me, it's for Bark-Paul.

He gets so wound up before meet-and-greets.

- Hmm. - Also for me.

- Why can't I experiment with my look?

I mean, you wear mascara.

- It enhances my beautiful almond-shaped eyes.

It'd be a crime not to wear it.

- Well, last week, two different people

mistook me for a child.

A child. Granted, one of them was at the movies,

and I was not about to turn down that kids' snack tray.

It comes in a racecar! Isn't that cool? - Not really.

- But worse, you know how I signed up for Toothpaste And Orange Juice?

- The worst name for a dating app,

literally two things you should never combine.

- Really? Well, Michael B. Jordan's on it.

And so is Michael C. Jordan.

- Who? - I don't know, but he's hot.

But anyways, I haven't gotten one response on my profile.

Not one! But last night,

I took some new photos wearing these.

And guess what?

Ba-dow! I got a date!

That's right, I'm going on a date later.

Because everyone... Loves...

A woman.

(gasping)

(theme music)

- So, Liza... Who's this date with?

Show, show!

- Well, his name is Tyler,

and look, he's basically a professional athlete.

There he is wearing a baseball hat.

Oh, and that's him on a motorcycle,

and that's a picture of a pizza.

Oh, it was cheat day.

(Oliver): I dunno...

What happens after the date?

During open house, when Tyler wants to tour upstairs,

but it's much smaller than the pictures online?

- Is everything real estate with you?

- Write what you know.

- Well, he will not be taking that tour.

And even if he does, it'll definitely be in the dark.

Nudity is strictly reserved for lights out.

I was publicly naked for one day, and one day only,

and that was the day I was born.

And I intend to keep it that way.

Okay! So how's my outfit for my date?

He's taking me to Office-topia.

(gasping): What? Office-topia?

- What is Office-topia?

- Um, only the hottest Instagram installation.

There are all these office spaces, and you pretend you work in an office,

and take pictures to post. Ugh!

- And you get to send emails, and faxes,

and every two hours it's somebody's birthday,

and they have cake in the break-room.

- Oh! And I hear that there's

this woman named Karen who just sits there

and complains that the AC is too high.

- This just sounds like somebody's office

where they're scamming you all to come in and do free work.

- Oliver. If it was a scam,

could you take a picture with this gigantic World's Best Boss mug?

(Harlow): It is impossible to get a reservation.

I had a spot, but I had to give it up.

I ordered Bark-Paul the cutest little

three-piece suit to wear from Japan,

but I missed the delivery, like, twice!

Which makes zero sense,

because I've literally just been sitting here

waiting for it.

If I don't get it by today,

they're gonna send it back to Tokyo!

Kay, put the router back in!

- I'm working on it!

(phone chiming)

- Oh, a TaskIt!

Perfect. I'm gonna squeeze in a job right before my date.

A model?

That's amazing.

See, I also put my new look on my TaskIt app.

Everybody loves these things. They open doors.

They're master keys!

- Okay.

- I'm a model! I'm a woman model!

A woman model.

- So, you're all set. Glad you came back.

- Hi, there. I'm here for the modeling job.

- Ooh! Look at you, you're perfect.

- Perfect? Well...

I don't really believe in labels, but if you must.

- So, you've done this before?

- Modeling? Yeah.

I mean, when you look like this it's like,

"Oh! Please! Stop objectifying me!"

- I'm just waiting on the other model.

When she gets here, you can both get undressed.

There are robes inside you can put on

until we get started!

- Un? Undressed? - What?

It's a life-drawing class, to study the naked human form.

- Wha--

Oh, God.

(electronic music)

(whispering): A lot of nipples!

- Oliver? What is this?

Oh, my God, did you...

photoshop our faces onto a wedding picture?

That is so creepy.

I mean, look at that tiara.

What is this, junior prom?

- Well, see...

I met a really hot hubby-chaser

at the market a couple weeks ago.

- Oh, don't say that! I think you look really good!

- Hubby-chaser.

It's a guy who's turned on by straight men on the DL.

Anyway... I may have pretended to be married,

and let him lure me out of the closet.

I thought it was gonna be a one-time thing,

but we're kinda vibing.

We went out last week, I made him meet me in Pasadena

so no one from "my church" would see us.

But then I caught him checking out a man

who was walking with his wife, and now he won't text me back.

- Because you're not straight enough?

- Exactly!

So I'm leveling up.

He's gonna come over here, and see exactly

how goddamn straight I am!

- Oh...

- I mean... (clears throat)

- Wait, today?

Oliver, no, I have to wait here

all day for my delivery.

They didn't knock while I was in the shower, did they?

- Oh, shoot, that's right.

Well, since you're gonna be here anyway...

- You knew that I couldn't leave

so you invited him over

for me to be your fake wife, didn't you?

- What? He's an I.T. guy,

and he's coming over here to fix the router.

That way you can get online and track down Bark-Paul's suit.

- Is the router even broken?

- Of course it is.

You don't have a pair of mom jeans, do you?

- Ugh, you know I have several. They accentuate my small waist.

(electronic music)

- You can do this. They're just gonna draw you.

Like a bowl of fruit.

And I'm a flat piece of fruit.

Come on, come on. The teacher said you were perfect.

- Sorry I'm late. - Whoa!

Hey, you might be new here too,

but there are robes.

- We're just gonna take 'em off right?

- Yeah, you're right. Yeah.

Good points.

Boobs. Points. Nipples. I'm sorry.

(art teacher): Okay, can I see the models, please?

Can we see the other model?

- Yup! I'll be right there!

With no clothes on!

In front of all these strangers,

to observe my every... my every flaw.

In one...

Two... Two and a half.

Who am I kidding, I'm not gonna do this.

Maybe start without me!

Oh, what the...? This isn't the dressing room.

Oh no. No, no, no, no!

I can't walk around front in this tiny robe!

Oh please let me walk around front in this tiny robe...

Hello? Anyone?!

I know you're all staring at a perfectly proportioned naked woman,

but... hello?!

I guess I'm just gonna have to die here.

They're just gonna find my tiny skeleton in a robe.

My date! Tyler! Office-topia!

Okay.

Just have to make it over there without anybody seeing me.

Like a naked Banksy...

(electronic dance music)

Here, let me help you with that! - Whoa!

- I've got it. You can stay there.

It's a new service from the post office.

Hand delivery.

No more waiting in line at the... mailbox.

You have a good day, now!

Huh...

Not bad.

(flies buzzing) This could be my new look.

Did someone pee on this? Is that blood?

It's all the fluids!

- Oh! You look adorable in this.

- Oh! Thanks!

I was just walking by with all my clothes on and thought,

"Oh, I have to try that coat on." So I did.

(chuckling) - Good!

You know actually, I have a ton like this inside. Come see!

- Inside? Of course. 'Cause you're a store.

You're not just giving away coats out here. Are you?

(knocking, Oliver clears throat)

- Hello, there. - Hello yourself.

(in a deep voice): Honey!

The guy's here to fix the router!

The guy I've never met before.

- So, uh...

This is where you live? With your wife?

- Shh! I can't get caught.

- There you are, my chocolate love!

My husband.

(forced laughter)

Oh! I didn't even realize there was anyone else here!

I never do when Mr. Right is in the room.

Isn't he just the most handsome groom you've ever seen?

Because we're married. To each other.

- Yup, we are married.

- Uh, and we have so much heterosexual sex!

Sex, sex, sex! Ooh!

He can't keep his hands off me!

So much boning.

- Okay, would you excuse us for a second?

What are you doing? I'm supposed to be

in an unhappy marriage, no sex!

That's why I stray!

- Oh, no, no, no, no. You stray because you're gay.

Not because I don't satisfy you. I'm all satisfaction, honey.

- Also, "chocolate love"?

- You thought it was so adorable

when I called you that in our wedding toast!

- There was no wedding toast!

- Oh, okay, sure.

Next thing, you're gonna tell me

there was no honeymoon in Bora Bora.

- Wh--

Wait, we went to Bora Bora?

Did we stay in one of those cute over-water bungalows?

No, no! Just go back out there and be more unhappy.

Like a real married couple.

- Fine.

But I'm not spending another Christmas

with your family in Buffalo.

- I'm not even from Buffalo!

(Anna): Yeah, so I can come in tomorrow to get a spray tan.

Yeah, I just feel so pale. Mm-hmm.

(bell chiming) Hey! What are you doing?

- What's that?

Oh, I was just...

Just trying to see this in a more natural light.

Because fluorescence, you know?

- So you weren't trying to leave without paying, were you?

- Oh, I would never!

Wait a second, did you think I was...? With this?

I... Ha! That's hysterical!

No, see, if only you knew how often I pay for stuff.

Which I do. Often.

Well, that's a lovely tan you've got there.

Very, uh... natural?

- Oh, thank you!

People with more color are statistically proven to be more attractive.

It helps us not to procreate with the weak and sickly.

- Right...

Hey, do you have a phone I can use?

- Mm-hmm.

- Thanks.

Slippery.

- So this is where the router is.

Right here. In the closet.

- You like it here in the closet?

- I dunno what you're talking about.

I'm just a married man who needs another hot man to fix his Wi-Fi.

(clattering) - You wanna see what tool I'm gonna use?

(phone ringing)

(Harlow): Oliver! Where are you?

- Just one sec.

Hey. Kind of in the middle of something.

- Great. I need you to go into my room, grab me some clothes,

and come meet me near Office-topia.

- What? Are you crazy? I'm not doing that.

- Can you come and bring me some money then?

Look, I am trapped at a vintage store on third,

with a lady who has a worse fake tan

than all the Real Housewives combined!

- No! No!

- Please? Look, I lost all my clothes and my wallet,

and I've literally been running around Los Angeles naked!

- Oh, good God!

(Harlow): Sweetheart?

- Shh. - Okay, fine,

I'll clean the bathroom for the next month,

and I'll stop eating your chili cashews.

- I knew that was you!

Okay fine, I will meet you by Office-topia,

but if you're not there, I'm leaving your clothes in the nearest trash can.

I'm not waiting for you.

- That's aggressive, but thank you.

Oh!

- Worse than all the Real Housewives?

- I meant that as a... compliment?

I'm so sorry. I'm awful.

And grotesquely pale, but...

Do you could find it in your heart to lend me something to wear?

Anything?

It's brown bag chic!

Dakota Fanning wore the same one!

I don't have paper cuts in my armpits!

Is that... Tyler?

Office-topia.

(rhythmic music)

- Welcome to Bee Well Bee-Tox, do you have an appointment?

- Huh? Oh, uh... no.

- Oh, that's okay. I think we can squeeze in a walk-in.

Love your dress by the way.

Is this your first time getting Bee-Tox?

Well, welcome to the newest skin care miracle!

All the benefits of botox and fillers with none of the chemicals.

It's just all-natural bee venom.

- You... sting people on the face, with bees?

- No. Not unless you spring for the top of the line Queen Package.

Most people just do the basic injections.

You probably have, hmm... another year

before we have to address the eyes.

But the lip plumping is a "right now."

Lauren, if you're having trouble breathing, just give me a nudge.

(Lauren, muffled): Mm-hmm! - Ready? Let's get you lips.

They get you likes.

- Okay. Um, I'm good...

I actually have some bees at home that I can use...

So I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna.

- Careful! - Oh, oh!

(bee buzzing) Oh... I think...

I think one got out.

- No, no. Don't swat it! It's a certified medical aid!

(buzzing)

- It's in here. It's in my bag. It's in my bag!

It's trying to get all up in my hive!

It's in my hive!

This place is a nightmare!

(sobbing)

- Okay, that was a lot more complicated

than I thought. Yeah.

Uh... Do you know when Oliver's coming back?

- Me? (scoffing)

Please. He doesn't tell me anything anymore.

Always sneaking off, saying he's going to the gym.

(sighs): We used to be so happy.

But I'm not giving up.

He's my man, and I will make this marriage work.

- Um... Bark-Paul Gosselaar? You're a fan too?

- Fan? (scoffing)

Honey, he's my dog.

- Shut up! I adore!

- I know, he is pretty adorable, isn't he?

- When you dressed him up like Jonathan Van Ness from Queer Eye,

okay! That was a moment!

- It was, wasn't it!

(giggling) You wanna meet him?

- Are you serious?

- Come on! - Okay!

- Oh. Why yes I would like to learn French.

Merde.

(soft music)

- Hey! Where did you get that?! - What?

- That poster. You need to give it to me.

- Oh, this? Look, I'm so sorry.

It's a really long story, but I kind of really need it right now.

I can hang it back up as soon as I'm done--

- No! I have been all over town tearing those awful things down.

They are extremely offensive.

Have you seen the woman on the cover?

- Yes. What's wrong with her?

- I have spent years starving myself and working out,

and now they're just gonna put someone like that on the cover, huh?!

This has all just been for nothing?

What, now they're just gonna let fat people star in movies,

and do love scenes, and go to the beach in bathing suits?

Without shame?! No! I won't stand for it!

Okay? I don't want a level playing field!

Give it to me! - No!

- It should be me on that cover!

Do you know how many times I've posted about Bikini Tea?

I have to be within five feet of a bathroom at all times.

You can't outrun me. I had breakfast on Tuesday.

Oh!

Ha-ha-ha!

Ooh... I need to find a bathroom.

(upbeat music)

(Liza): Oliver! Oliver!

Over here!

- Miss, you can't stand here.

I could lose my license having a naked person

this close to the fruit.

- Got it.

- Also, you're gonna have to pay for those coconuts

now that they've touched your body.

- Sorry. - I can't believe

how many people are lined up for this crap.

Here.

- Thank you so much.

I'm sorry. I'll just get dressed and get out of your way.

He'll even buy some fruit.

And the coconuts.

- I will not.

Actually, only because you have papaya.

- You would not believe the day I've had.

Oh, my God. You did great with this outfit. I love it.

- I've told you a million times, let me style you!

- New day. I'm here for it. (chuckling)

Okay, I just need to top load.

- For the record, I still think this is wrong.

- Voila! How do I look?

- Like a woman who's lying about her body.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go home and pretend to be

a straight, closeted gay man in a made-up marriage

in order to be more attractive to another gay man.

- Hmm...

Tyler?

- Liza? - Hey.

It's so great to meet you in person.

Oh, I... That's just my... that's nothing.

It's just...

Beautiful day, huh?

How did tropical fruit get in my shirt, what?

Okay, Tyler? I have to be honest with you.

I imagine this is less of a surprise the second time.

Look...

I've spent the entire day trying to hide

what I really look like, as if somehow,

something is inherently wrong with me.

And I don't want to waste any more time fighting my hair,

or by body, or my skin,

trying to live up to some arbitrary beauty standard!

I'd much rather spend that time...

...learning French, or helping the homeless, or...

...catching up on Breaking Bad,

because I've never seen it,

and I don't think I can handle

another person saying, "You've never seen Breaking Bad?"

Please don't say it.

(woman): Seriously? It's amazing!

- So I've heard! Anyway...

What I'm trying to say is...

I'm done, done with hiding...

from the world, but...

more importantly,

from myself.

You know, there is no one else here

who looks exactly like me.

And you know what?

I like that.

I like me.

I'm perfect because I'm not perfect.

(crowd clamoring)

We're all perfect, however God made us!

(cameras clicking)

- Can somebody change the toner in the copy machine?

(commotion)

- I really appreciate your honesty, Liza.

You're brave, and you're inspiring me to be brave too.

I can't see a thing without these.

Sorry, you just got, like super HD right there.

And also...

- I should've seen that coming.

You had a hat on in all your photos.

Hey. I think you look good.

- And I think you're perfect.

- Ah. Perfectly imperfect.

- This feels really right.

Wanna go back to my place and put some clothes on?

- Yeah.

- Oh, yes, yes!

- Are you going to work today?

- Honey. - You're just so cute!

- Sorry it took so long.

- Hi, sir.

Can I talk to you for a sec

about some stuff I found in your system?

- I hope it was nothing bad.

- We need to stop this.

Your wife is a lovely, lovely person,

and she's crazy about you!

I got to know her, and what I realized is

what we're doing, it's wrong.

Yeah, it's unfair. We need to end this lie,

because you owe yourself, and that woman

a little bit of truth.

Plus, I'm 99% sure I broke your router.

I'm not really certified in I.T.

I just took an online course

and then dropped out a day later.

Ha! Sorry!

- Ugh.

- Hey. - Hey, what are you doing home so early?

- Well, Tyler came out about being bald, being blind,

but managed to leave out the part about being married.

- What? - Yeah.

We went back to his place,

and there were pictures of his wife everywhere.

Apparently, she was out of town for the weekend.

- Ugh, that is terrible! Ugh!

How bald? And does he by any chance need help with his internet?

- Don't answer that. Get out of here.

(sighing, scoffing)

- I can't believe you guys didn't photoshop me into your fake wedding.

- Of course I did.

See?

- Are my nostrils really that big?

Jeez, it's like the Grand Canyon.

Nobody look at me, I'm a monster!

(theme music)

♪ We go to work ♪

Yeah, baby.

Oliver, you men are crazy...

(laughing)

♪ We go to work We go to work ♪

♪ We go to work We go to work ♪

It's all the fluids!

Hey!

♪ Work work work ♪

♪ We go to work work work ♪

Blah! What are you gonna do with me?!

I got hair in my mouth, I'm sorry.

- Also, "chocolate l--" Oh, mmm, damn it!

I took away your line, and that is what men do. Straight men.

- Strictly nudity. What?

Ah-ha!

- On the next Liza On Demand...

(Liza): Can you believe they're just letting me use this car?

I mean, the glove box is refrigerated.

I went out and I bought butter just for the car.

(Oliver): What's going on?

(Liza): One minute, you're working

in a DNA testing facility,

and you accidentally sneeze in a sample,

and a month later, someone comes to your door

because they think you're related.

- Ah! (laughing)

Mommy's side fought in the civil war.

And for the right side. - Which side is the right side?

- Oh! - Ah!

(laughing) - Your white side owes us this.

- That is some messed up logic. - Let's go!

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