Original subtitles

- Will! - Ah! Don't do that!

You're like a gay Jack-in-the-box

I'm up for the part of "Male Corpse on Slab."

I don't know what that means

but "wear a condom" seems like an appropriate response

Ah! Wait! Hey, hey, hey I'm auditioning for "Six Feet Under."

You know, that new show by the acclaimed screenwriter Alan Ball?

Tehh... ball

The corpse is like, in three scenes

and it's the glue that holds the whole story together

Well, for what it's worth

I've seen you act and I feel totally confident

that you have the emotional range to play a dead man

Thank you

Pssst! I'm enjoying your blouse today

You know, Sarah Michelle Gellar is really smart

I mean, at the beginning of this interview

she's just talkin' about stuff like where she gets her highlights

but then she starts in on foreign affairs and campaign finance reform

I'm gonna say it... She's a genius

Let me see that

Hmm... Interesting

Yeah. See? these pages are stuck together

You've been reading an interview with John McCain

Here's the rest of Sarah Michelle

"And even after all these years limos are way cool."

Yeah. I probably should've figured it out

when she started talking about her time in a P.O.W. camp

Ooh, uh, before I forget I need you to write me a check

There's this guy, Ted Bowers He's running for city council

I really think we should support him

Well, what do we know about him?

He's gay

- And? - And... he's gay

But what's he for?

I mean, you know, where does he stand on the issues?

What do you care?

You thought Buffy was in a prisoner of war camp

I'm just wondering what are his positions?

I don't know I think he's a top

Come on Write a check already

You should support gay men Gay men support you

How much?

The limit's 500 Most people are giving, like, 250

Heh! Well, I am not most people

"100."

Give me a break

I just gave 500 to the Paul Smith fabulous boot foundation

Another important gay cause

Will & Grace Season 4

Once again, I find myself in the horns of a dilemma

Once again, the appropriate response seems to be: "wear a condom."

No

Elliot and I were preparing a VIP guest list for the fanglamorous party I'm throwing

when my episode airs

You got the part?

No, um, not yet But.. Watch this

Wow

I feel like I'm looking through the eyes of every one of your lovers

Thank you

Anyway, Elliot doesn't want me to invite Karen

He doesn't like her Can you believe it?

Kids today are so weird

You know, when I was a kid we couldn't wait to hang out

with the local insensitive drunk

I run this by Karen, and it turns out she does not care for Elliot either

Why?

He's polite. He's sweet. He's kind I think I just answered my own question

I mean, what am I supposed to do? What--?

Ok, I know. I know I got it. I got it

I'm gonna stage a phony robbery

Yeah. I'm gonna tie 'em back-to-back in chairs

until they're forced to get along

and I'm gonna wear a stocking on my head

Taupe

Or maybe eggplant...

Doesn't matter, doesn't matter It doesn't matter. I can decide later

That's the fun part

Why don't you just sit them down and talk it out?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh

That could work, although... Where do the panty-hose come in?

You can always just wear them under your slacks

You are always one step ahead of me

I hate that about you! And I love that about you!

Hey, Mrs. Friedman how are things on the eighth floor?

I'm not talking to you, Grace Adler and you should be ashamed of yourself

I swear, the elevator smelled like this before I got on

I'm not talking about that I'm talking about your button

I can't believe you're supporting that man

Ted Bowers happens to be an excellent candidate

Ptewey!

Your candidate sucks my rain boots

Hey, I like Ted Bowers and he's gay

and I think it's high time

we had gay representation on the city council

especially in a society that still undervalues the rights of gay people

Fine. Do what you want Me, I'm voting for the Jewish woman

There's a Jewish woman running?

Rosario, where the hell are you?

Get your rump into the rumpus room and get rid of all this junk

Lady, I told you the doctor said I shouldn't lift anything

I've pulled a muscle

Oh, honey, I'm sorry

I keep forgetting you're laid up

Can I get you anything?

Well...actually I could use a bowl of sou--

Hey, Kare what you doin' in the play room?

Oh. Hi, honey

Since Stan's in the clink

and the stepkids are spendin' most of their time with first wife

I decided to turn it into something useful

you know, like a laboratory or an Indian casino

Oh, wow, you got an X-Box!

Hey, hey, hey!

Just because my husband's in prison does not mean you can talk dirty to me

What the hell is he doin' here anyway?

He is here because I cannot tolerate two of the most important people in my life

not getting along

Now, I will not have my family go the way of other showbiz families

So the three of us are gonna stay in this room

until you two can find a love for each other

and nobody, but nobody is leaving until we get this done!

Oh, my God!

My corpse audition just got moved up!

I gotta run

Listen, you two work it out

- Remember, find the love! - Hey! Wh--! Honey, I--!

Uh... So, listen, I need a check

What for?

Judy Green She's running for city council

and I think we should support her

But we're backing Ted Bowers

Well, I found out a few things about him that makes me think

I should support the other candidate

Like what?

Like he's running against a woman

So? Who is she? What do we know about her?

She's a woman

- And? - And she's Jewish

- And? - And she's a woman

So what? What are her positions?

I don't know. She's Jewish She probably just lays there

Come on Write the check!

I am not gonna write you a check

That would just cancel out the check you wrote me

I know

That's why I've already stopped payment on mine

Now, come on

Make it payable to "Judy Green for City Council."

All right Is a zillion dollars enough?

Come on! Women need a voice on the city council

I mean, 50% of the population is women

So, one could argue that 80% of the population is gay

They just don't know it yet

Anyway, this is not about statistics This is about who has the better candidate

Well, what makes you think that you have the better candidate?

Grace, he's gay

Well, mine's a woman and Jewish That makes two victims to your one

Since when are you so Jewish anyway?

You're about as Jewish as Melanie Griffith in A Stranger Among Us

Well, you're about as gay as Tom Sellick in In and Out

I am plenty gay

When was the last time you had same-sex sex?

I'm choosy!

Ha! You're straight! Go watch a basketball game!

Yeah?

Well, you're barely a woman You pee standing up!

Hey! There are a lot of diseases you can get from a toilet seat!!

Our own?!

Well, I never thought that I would hear this from you!

- You hate women! - Well, you hate gays!

- My room - Whatever

- Hey - Hi

I'm sorry I said some harsh things before

You know, like "you're not a woman."

My God, look at you you're all woman

You're gorgeous you're hot, you're sexy

When I look at you all I can think about is

being with that Croatian guy from "ER."

Aw, sweetie

You know, I said some pretty harsh things, too

You are plenty gay

If you were any gayer you'd be Elton John's fanny pack

You don't have to say that

No, I mean it

Well, if I implied that you're anything less than a big Jew, I'm sorry

Thank you

Let's just agree to disagree support our candidates

and just not make a big thing of it

Agreed I knew you'd feel that way

Which is why I know you'll have no problem with me

having a little Ted Bowers neighborhood fund-raiser here?

Not at all

In fact, I've already agreed to host a Judy Green fund-raiser here, too

- Huh! - Huh

When's yours?

Tonight

Change it

No!

Stop it!

You stop!

Ok, so I guess we're supposed to talk about what bugs us about each other

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Ok, I'll go first

Hmm. Kinda pushy for a 5-year-old, aren't ya?

I'm 12

Huh. So you lie about your age so that you can drink

or...?

This is what it is about you

you're weird You're a weird woman

And you kinda look like the demon who guards the tomb in "Tomb Raider."

Don't even try and flatter me, kid

Ok, look, I'm not happy about this, either

but Jack asked us to do it and he's important to both of us

so I think we should at least try

Ok, oh!

This is what really bugs me about you

the way you talk

You're honest you've got no agenda

you're not manipulative It's like you're talkin' in code!

Ok, well, how do you want me to talk?

Oh, honey, I don't care Just quit bein' such a goody two shoes

- I am not a goody two shoes - Oh, yeah?

Don't drink, don't smoke what do ya do?

I am bad I'm bad news

Come on, two shoes!

You've never done a bad thing in your whole life

Oh, yeah? Watch this

- Pick that up! - Sorry

Two shoes

Ok, well, how about this?

Sometimes when my mom's not home I make phoney phone calls

They're rude and they inconvenience people

What kind of phoney phone calls?

Well, once I called a butcher and asked if he had pig's feet

He said, "Yeah," and I said "Must be hard to find shoes."

then I hung up

Ahh... You call that a phoney? Boy, have you got a lot to learn

Watch this, midget

Hello?

Hello

This is Nurse Bigrack from Dr. La-bop-duh-duhp-boop-boop's office

Got good news for ya It's time to start your physical therapy

What?

Why are you calling me so late?

Well, with that kind of an attitude we're not gonna get anywhere

Now, let's start with some neck rolls

Neck rolls?

The doctor said I should rest it

Yeah? Well, he changed his mind Start rollin'

Ah! Oh, that hurts

Oh! Especially when I do it to the right

Oh, dear, I couldn't hear what you just said

but it's better if you do them all to the right

Ow-wee! Ow-wee! Oh... Ow-wee!

Would you tell your people to stay away from the mini-quiches, ok?

I made them for my people

God, quiche for a gay fund-raiser could you be any more stereotypical?

And, by the way, tell your people to stay away from my lox

Would you look at that?

One of your women just drifted over to the fireplace

which we clearly agreed was my area since the gay's need soft light

Grace, this is a lovely party

I guess the belly lox was too expensive, huh?

Still, people seem to be enjoying themselves

I think we'll raise a lot of money here tonight

Well, good I hope so

You just hit everyone up

It's the least that they can do

And where's your check?

Well, what do you mean? I'm throwing the party

That's my contribution

You know, there's an old Jewish expression--

"You're cheap and your husband's gay."

Mr. Zamir?

- Mr. Zamir?! - What? What?!

Happy Birthday!

Wait a minute You're supporting Ted Bowers?

Sure. Ted. Yes

Yeah, but just a minute ago you were over on the Judy Green side

Yes, but then they ran out of black-and-white cookies

Who invited you, anyway?

I'm here to complain about the noise

- Hey, Ted - Hi, Judy

Well, this is quite the coincidence

- He wouldn't cancel - She wouldn't cancel

Stop doing that

You stop!

Good evening, everybody

A lot of candidates in this race

wanna tell you that there's an easy solution to our city's problems

Well, I'm here to tell you, there's not

Was that not an applause line? 'Cause it felt like one

For instance... Homelessness Now, this is an awful, awful problem

and one solution that I advocate is give them a hot meal

Mm-hmm

- Give them a shower - Uh-huh

Put them on a bus and get them the hell out of our city

A-- What?

So, in conclusion women in the home

force those foreigners to speak our language

and if God didn't want some people to be poor, he'd give them money

He is very good

And now... Let's hear from a real candidate

Ladies and gentlemen, Judy Green

Thank you, Grace

Let me start by saying how gratifying it is to see so many white faces here tonight

Goh!

No, Marlo Why would I be kidding about that?

Phil is my father

And I wouldn't be calling you except

that he stopped making his child-support payments

and my mom can't raise me on just a stripper's salary

You are so amusing

You can't laugh because when you laugh, I laugh

I'm sorry, honey

It's just that there ain't nothin'

I enjoy more than yankin' Phil Donahue's chain

And by chain of course, I mean Marlo

Ahh, I'm hungry

Can I have something to eat?

Oh, whoaho! Come on

Now, how do we ask for something to eat?

- Uh, where's the damn food?! - There's my boy

Ok, go across the hall to Mason's bedroom

Yeah, there's a cake carousel next to the pinball machine

You know what? You're not so bad

Yeah?

Well, you're not so good

Now, scram

Hello?

Hey, Rosie, how you holdin' up?

Oh, the doctor wants me to do head rolls

- Neck rolls - What?!

Hi Where's Elliot?

Oh, he went to get a snack

So how was your audition for "Six Feet Under"?

Terrible

Why? What happened? You didn't get the part?

No

The casting assistant was gorgeous

and as convincing as my performance was for Male Corpse on Slab

there was one part of me that refused to play dead

I see

So you would have only been five and a half feet under

Do not underestimate me!

Hey, Jack, how'd the audition go?

I think I got it

Uh, so, let's pick up where we left off, ok?

Now, my life is gonna be spent in front of cameras

and I need my personal assistant and my manager to get along

It's ok, Jack We're fine

Really?

She give you money?

No

Oh. Ok, all right

Whatever she gave you you're splittin' it with me in the cab

Ok, come on let's go

I promised your mom you'd be home

- Come on. Scoot it - Ok

Hey, do you, uh, think I could come back some time and play with your X-Box?

- Anytime, kid - Bye

Oh! Well, would you look at that?

This game is called an X-Box. Well

Remember when Election Day used to be fun?

Passing out leaflets knocking on doors

ripping our bell-bottoms and running from the fuzz?

That wasn't us

That was Linc and Julie from "The Mod Squad."

Well, I've just pulled the lever for democracy

Oh, and I also voted

What are you two sad lovers doin'?

Nothin'

- So, did you vote? - We don't deserve to

We just didn't think it was right to vote

for someone without finding out what they stand for

- Who'd you vote for?? - The black guy

What?! There's a black guy?!

Hello? Oh, hi, Pharmacist

Oh. Uh-huh. Yeah I took 'em this morning

Well... Side-effects? Well, what do I do?

Ok, yeah I'm standin' on one leg

Yeah. Yeah my finger's on my nose...

And I'm rubbin' my head

Ok, well, how long do I have to do this?

Yeah I'll hold

Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!