Original subtitles

(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

ANIMAL: Rock on! Rock on! Rock on!

Ladies and gentlemen, for years, audiences across the universe

have been desperate for a glimpse into the creative process

of Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem.

And today, for the first time ever,

I give you what... Oh! Oh. You're just going right in. Okay.

Okay, okay, you may be wondering

why a film crew is descending upon your sacred space.

No, I'm not sure we should start the chorus in G.

Well, let's try it in J.

I figured that you're finally crankin' out songs,

we could capture the magic of The Mayhem in an epic rockumentary, huh?

Who's gonna play me?

You. Yeah, you play you. That's the best part.

All you guys gotta do, is bring the love and magic

that is The Electric Mayhem.

The world needs more love, especially right now.

And even JJ agrees that this band is pure love.

Wait. I'm sorry, did you say J...

- Oh, what's up, my homies? Whoa, easy. - (ANIMAL GRUNTS)

- Bad! - JJ: Whoa!

Animal, bud, look at me, okay? JJ good, not bad.

Yeah, yeah, JJ cool, JJ friend.

"Friend"?

Yeah, um, I, too, am confused. Is JJ helping us now?

Actually, after he bought us more time with Penny,

we decided to grab a coffee and...

Wait, like a date?

- What? - Nothin'.

Back in the day, we'd have these big brainstorm sessions,

and we picked up right where we left off.

- And boom! We had a great idea. - NORA: Mmm-hmm.

Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem

get immortalized by having their own rock and roll documentary,

- just like The Beatles did with... - (GROWLS)

- Get back! - Okay.

Get Back is the name of the Beatles doc, and it's a smash. And, guess what?

We've locked in an all-star director to help us get goin'.

Did someone say one-star director?

Everyone, meet Kevin Smith. Okay.

- Director of Clerks, Clerks II. - Clerks III.

Before you say anything, just know that he's done so much more

than foul-mouthed comedies.

He's made action movies, horror, political satire...

And whatever Yoga Hosers was.

- (ALL CHUCKLING) - Oh, wow, burn.

Dr. Teeth, you still got the bite. Man, I have missed all of you so much...

- Brosci! (LAUGHING) - Ahh! Get in here.

Brosci.

Of course, you guys know each other.

Yeah, he's our Bro Pesci, our Broey Ramone,

our Broseph Gordon-Levitt. We go way back.

You wouldn't wanna meet me back in the old days.

I was a real square from Jersey until I met The Mayhem.

Ooh, for sure.

Now, after a lifetime of making critically panned R-rated movies,

I'm finally ready to embrace family-friendly entertainment.

I wanna make a film about all the joy and love

brought into this world by my favorite band.

The Commodores.

Not the Commodores. I'm talking about The Mayhem!

- You guys! - All right.

Listen to me very carefully.

- You see this camera? - ALL: Yeah.

Do not look into this camera.

ALL: No, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, I want you to act naturally.

That's the key, okay? We'll go for one, here we go.

- And, action. - FLOYD: Just gonna act natural.

(LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

KEVIN: Action.

Whoa!

Nice.

MOOG: Herbal tea?

Elvis Presley should play me in this movie.

Zoot, buddy, Elvis is dead.

What? When?

- (PLAYING JAZZ RIFF) - Yeah. I'm diggin' that riff, man.

Add some sauce, boss.

- Here we go! - Don't mind me.

I'll just be over here, knittin'.

You won't even know I'm here.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Ain't she somethin'?

Yes, she's definitely somethin'.

(SIGHS) Thanks for helping everyone get camera-ready, Han.

Are you kidding? I love being the glam squad.

Also, trapping people in my make-up chair gets me all the hot goss.

Oh. Speaking of, spill the tea on you and JJ.

There's no tea to spill. The only thing I have time for is finishing this album.

And shooting this doc.

And booking the band at the Hollywood Bowl.

You're doing the thing where you use busy work life

as an excuse to blow off your love life.

Help, I need somebody!

(YELLING)

- I'm gonna go save him. - Uh-huh.

(TUNING GUITAR)

- Yo, Moop. -"Moog."

I know, right?

So, I've been thinking, your knowledge of all things Mayhem

could really help this doc be the lovefest that Nora wants it to be.

Yeah. No. Yeah. What... Anything to help Nora.

Great. What do you have on Animal that's fun?

Are you serious? Yeah, no... Uh...

First off, Animal rarely takes baths. He's always like, "Too wet."

- (BOTH CHUCKLE) - Good stuff. That's good.

Oh.

Animal loves bunnies.

- Bunnies? - Yes.

- Yeah, okay, that'll work. - For what?

To stop Animal from killing my vibe with Nora. Thanks, pal.

Wait. What just happened? Can you play that back for me, please?

(HESITATES) No.

- (PLAYING BASS RIFF) - What do you think of this, Teeth?

(SINGING)

You know, like that. What'd you think?

- Yeah. - (DR. TEETH MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)

If you're suggestin' we take a fiver,

- uh... I agree. - It's nice and snug.

- (DR. TEETH MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY) - (CHUCKLES)

(KICK DRUM BEATING)

JJ: Hey, it's my main man...

- ...imal. - (GROWLS SOFTLY)

I know. JJ bad.

But perhaps, bunny good?

- Bunny! - Yeah, that's right, that's right.

Now, if, um, Bunny good, maybe JJ good, too?

- Bunny man good. - All right.

- Aw. I knew he'd warm up to you. - JJ: Yeah.

What?

- (ANIMAL COOS) - (JJ CHUCKLES)

(SOULFUL KEYBOARD PLAYING)

What about James Brown? He'd be a good me.

Uh, Zoot, I think that guy's dead.

What? When?

Here's what I was tryin' to play for you yesterday.

(SINGING)

- (VOCALIZING) - Yeah.

(VOCALIZING) Yeah.

(PENNY WAILING)

(SQUEAKS)

- Grilled cheesy wedge? - Mmm-mmm.

- Grilled cheesy wedge? - Ahh! Moog, Moog, Moog.

- MOOG: What are you doin'? - You're not going anywhere. Sit.

Yep, okay.

While I take care of these heinous dark circles,

you tell me about your adorable crush on my sister.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) What? No.

- How'd you know? - Glam squad knows all.

Then you know that I can't compete with JJ.

Dude just used my Mayhead knowledge against me.

Love is a game with no rules, Moog.

Which means, anyone can win. Even you.

Yeah, but I don't play games.

- My jam is just being sweet. - How's that going for you?

Really bad.

Then switch it up.

Wait, why do you wanna help me?

I am Team Moog all the way.

- Thank you. - Okay, but you can't be you.

Okay, so, you're not Team Moog?

I'm just saying you've got to do it JJ's way.

Play his nasty game, but better.

(PENNY VOCALIZING BADLY)

(CHUCKLES) Don't mind me. I was moved by the music.

And I move we take another fiver.

- Hey, Lips! My man. - Hey, Nobu.

Listen, I could really use your help taking this documentary to the next level.

Maybe with some star power.

Yeah, I figured that's coming up.

It seems like you know everyone.

Any chance you have one of the Beatles on speed dial?

Oh! Yeah, we go way back with the B... Let's see, I gotta... (MUMBLES)

Okay, all right. Hey, really hope that was a "yes."

Love, love me do.

(CHUCKLING)

Bunny man?

Yeah, I'm the bunny man.

And I figured your little cottontail pal could use some company.

One bunny, two bunny.

(LAUGHS) Two bunny.

Whoa! No! My kicks!

Oh, man! I am so sorry. Please, let me repay you.

Fine, they're 800 bucks.

What? No! Uh-uh. Not with money.

I can help with more of my Mayhead knowledge.

No need. Animal's my homie now.

No, help with Nora. Right? She wants this movie to be a huge lovefest, right?

I know exactly how you can make that happen.

Right, if it helps Nora.

So, just ask Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem

how they got the name Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem.

- Okay. All right, cool. - All right?

- Thank you. Dude, we gotta hang. - Of course.

- Okay. - We gotta hang.

Now you're just helping the competition to impress my sister?

- That's how you "play the game"? - Oh, no, no, no, no.

That's how I win it.

I know who should play me.

Frank Sinatra?

Also dead.

What? When?

Hey, if you guys are takin' a break,

how about you tell us the epic tale of how you got your name?

- Oh! There is a... - There is a...

There is no story there.

- Oh, like, of course, there is. - Of course they do.

Bunny! Bunny!

When we started, we called ourselves

"The Good Times Happy Trails Super Smiles Fun Band."

"TGTHTSSFB" for short.

Oddly, our short was just as long. (CHUCKLES)

Great story, good memories, the end.

The end? You didn't even get to the good part.

They met me.

It was the first time the band ever played the Whiskey a Go Go.

Oh, yeah, we were, like, opening for the opening act.

Man, forget the...

That's when I saw my Big, Golden Tooth Olive on stage,

and I felt a burning deep in my soul and scalp.

My hair caught on fire.

Our ambitious laser light show shorted out zappin' people without prejudice.

And when the rubble was cleared, and I came to,

I gave the band a record deal.

And a new and improved name,

Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem.

And I gave her my honest feedback, which is,

"Why is Teeth's name in the front?"

And I gave him my response,

(INHALES DEEPLY)

"Because I said so."

And, I gave in.

- Phew! Try that in a court of law. - Lips is right.

You know, we really got the shaft in that origin story.

- Mmm-hmm. - Um, like, guys?

We totally agreed years ago to never discuss the name thing

and keep it bottled up, like healthy people do.

That's exactly right. Look, it doesn't matter how we're monikerized,

at the end of the day, we all know this band has no front man.

Easy for you to say, given that you're always in the front, man!

- Hey! - Guys, hey...

Even our logo is your big mouth!

- LIPS: Your big mouth! - Let's just... What just happened?

And it's your little thing that's always... (MUMBLES)

- I'm gonna... - (ALL ARGUING)

LIPS: I'm talkin' to you! (MUMBLES)

JJ: They're fighting.

The band that never fights is fighting.

- What did you do? - Nothing.

I asked them how they got their name.

Oh. Yeah. No, that story always brings out the worst in them.

Man, I wish you would've asked me first.

- I did. - I'll handle this, JJ. You've done enough.

Nora. Nor...

Well-played, pal.

You know, not that it matters, but you are way out of your league here.

Am I, though?

Why don't you save yourself the humiliation and slow your roll?

Or what?

Or the gloves come off.

Well, too late,

- 'cause mine are already off. - Oh, yeah?

Yeah, and my skin is soft.

Weird flex, but okay. Game on.

ANIMAL: Bunny!

Bunny! Come back, bunny!

(CHUCKLES) One bunny, two bunny.

(LAUGHS) Huh?

Bunny? What?

Bunny make more bunny!

(LAUGHS) Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! (CHUCKLES)

Bunny tickles.

(LAUGHS)

FLOYD: Now, I demand the band name be changed!

This is a personal and professional atrocity on all levels.

- Oh, for sure. - See?

Oh, please.

- We all know what this is really about. - What?

You're jealous I got a sweater that turtles my neck.

What if I am?

Well, then, I'll see if Penny can make you one!

That would be very much appreciated!

You are very welcome!

- Well, thank you! - Thank you!

- You're welcome! - You're welcome!

FLOYD: Thank you!

(SHOUTS) You're welcome!

Wait, Floyd. Where are you going?

Just like the dark horse himself, George Harrison,

I'll be takin' my leave and goin' home in polite protest.

This is your home.

FLOYD: Get out of my way!

Floyd, come back!

Hi, I'm Susanna.

Lips said you needed a Bangle for some sort of music doc?

Wow. Susanna Hoffs.

Ta-da!

Dude, I asked for the Beatles.

- She's from The Bangles. - Yeah.

As in, I wanted a Ringo or a Paul.

It's cool. I'd do anything for Lips.

He taught me how to walk like an Egyptian.

It was fun in the '80s.

Hey, we're looking to cast a Zoot. Wanna audition?

- Sounds fun. - Let's run lines.

- Here's the script, Zoot. - Oh.

What script?

It's a documentary, okay? And you're already Zoot.

We're doin' a documentary?

(BAND ARGUING)

What are you talking about?

- Nothing to do with it. - Easy for you to say.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Still arguing about the band name?

No, that was just, like, a gateway fight to deeper, more personal band issues.

They called Penny intrusive and my hat repulsive. Neither are true.

They called me a diva and a cheapskate.

Half true.

They called me capricious and flighty. Both true.

They called me a chrysanthemum.

Sometimes, a man has to look in the mirror, Lips.

What?

I do not have time to stand this.

I'll call my hairdresser. You don't know nothing.

Stop, okay? All this fighting is freaking out our director.

You know the films he's made, so that's saying a lot.

All right, all right. I suppose,

in the spirit of band harmonality, we cease fire.

And resume work on this love song about Penny.

- Let's get back... - My friend!

I wrote this song about Janice.

DR. TEETH: Janice? FLOYD: Yeah.

I believe you are deeply discombobulated.

Oh! I am very much bobulated!

Tell him, baby. Tell him who I wrote this song for.

Like, actually, I wrote this love song about me.

You can't write a love song about yourself!

It goes against the laws of nature!

I'm on, like, a journey of self-healing, so, I can write about whoever I want.

Then I'm gonna write my own love song about my other true love.

Uh... Soup!

(SINGING) Soup soup-di-doup How I love my soup

Soup don't make me frown But you guys let me down

You're a hurtful group So I stick with my soup

Soup soup-di-doup My soup

Yeah, still kind of a work in progress,

but I think it illustrates how much I love soup.

Feels like less of a love song about soup and more of a spiteful attack on us.

Doesn't matter. Wanna know why? We don't need songs about soup.

Then what's your stance on a nice, steamy chowder?

That is not a soup, and you know it! You tell him, Janice.

Like, why do you care what I think?

Truth is, I never enjoyed any bowl-based cuisine.

- (ALL GASPING) - Hey, I'm here.

Are you Nora?

Paula Abdul? Oh, snap! What's happening here?

Lips here said you needed me for a cameo,

and I owe him big time because he introduced me to Skat Kat.

Very well.

Right on. I'm so sorry, though. There seems to be a mix-up. Again.

Yes, Lips, I had asked you for a Paul, not Paula.

Paula. I'm so sorry, but, yeah, don't make a day, okay?

Hey! P Abby D, what it be?

- Floyd, bring it in. - FLOYD: Ha-ha! Yeah.

How you doin', honey?

Never better. Just wrote a boilin' hot soup-centric love song

out of sheer spite to get back at Janice.

And it's, like, totally working.

Hey, you need some choreography?

Oh! Straight up! Let's do it!

Uh, Nora? We got a situation back here.

Oh, God. No, no, no. No, no, no, that's mine.

Hey, what's up, y'all?

I'm Zoot.

Whoa! It's like lookin' into a mirror.

Actually, it's me, Morgan Freeman.

- You got the part, Marvin. - (CHUCKLES)

Okay. All of that is wrong.

I'm so sorry, Mr. Freeman,

but there is no part because we already have a Zoot.

Where?

- You. You're Zoot. - Huh?

Which is why I am going to study his every move and mannerism.

I'd like to know what it feels like to walk in your shoes.

Huh. Here. Let's ask Jimmy.

Hmm. It's not so bad.

This may very well be the role of a lifetime.

Whoa.

Hey, we're here to audition for Zoot.

We're not casting for Zoot.

Great. Lost another role to Freeman.

There is no role, okay? Because Zoot is Zoot.

And there's nothing you can do to change my mind.

(CHUCKLES) I can do this.

(PLAYING SAXOPHONE BADLY)

Okay.

(ALL PLAYING SAXOPHONE BADLY)

- No, no, no. No. That's expensive. - (BUNNIES CHITTERING)

That's e... Oh, my God.

Do the soup spoon, do the soup spoon. And stir,

- and stir. - PAULA: Stop. Stop.

Where are the clean sharp moves? Again.

- Five, six, seven, eight. - (SAXOPHONES CONTINUE)

FLOYD: Do the soup spoon,

- do the soup spoon. - PAULA: Yes.

- FLOYD: And stir. - Hey! Enough.

- (MUSIC STOPS) - Okay, everyone needs to leave.

Yeah, Paula Abdul, Morgan Freeman, all the Zoots.

Everyone just take a bunny and go.

- It's been an honor. - Yeah.

Not you, real Zoot. You stay.

- Who? Me? - Wow. This is such a disaster.

I can't believe I let this happen.

- About that. Look, I can explain. - Moog.

No, no, I'm sick of the game.

This is all my fault.

- What? - I gotta admit it.

Working on the doc, giving Animal the bunnies,

even trying to buy the label, it was all just an excuse to

get close to you.

Why?

Look, when you broke up with me,

you said it was because I was an unemployed,

video game-obsessed loser.

That's why I worked 24/7 to build up my business,

and my net worth, which somehow, led to fitness,

and lasering off all my body hair, and taking hand gesture classes.

So, you're saying that you became you for me?

No.

I became me for us.

NORA: I, uh...

Hey, can we cut, please?

Cut? Are you nuts? We're getting good stuff here.

How? None of this has anything to do with the band.

Hey, we agreed to make a documentary about love,

and that's what I'm shooting here. You chasing your Amy.

What? My what?

Come on, this dude's clearly your Amy, man.

The one you regret dumping, the one that got away.

Really? You regret it?

Okay, why is this about me all of a sudden?

This is supposed to be about the band, okay?

And their love for each other.

This is the love the world needs to see, not me.

Wow, you're, like, totally deflecting.

Yeah. Maybe.

I've been so obsessed with my career that when it comes to my love life,

I don't even know where to start, Janice, okay?

Is that what you wanna hear?

You're not alone. Love is hard for most people.

But we're not most people.

Uh, the Doctor's right.

I'm sorry I got all heated up about our band name.

Hey...

It's fine by me.

But not by me.

I hereby take this moment.

From this day forward,

we am, is, are, and be, they whom are known as

just The Electric Mayhem.

You're a generous man with a beautiful hat.

Thank you, Doc.

Always, my brother.

But most of all,

thank you, Nora, for using your absolute brokenness

to bring our total togetherness.

You're welcome, I guess.

And, cut. Yes!

Show people, I think we got it.

Got what? This wasn't a lovefest, it was utter chaos.

We couldn't even get a Beatle to drop by.

Nora, we wanted to show the world what love really is, am I right?

Love is chaos and it's passion. And it's confusing.

And it can be very messy.

You don't need a Beatle to show the world how y'all feel about each other.

You already have.

Well, what do you know?

Silent Bob drops some knowledge at the end of the movie.

You know what? You're right.

- We really don't need Paul McCartney. - (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

Well, I guess, all that's left now is a big ending.

Yeah? What do you have in mind?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL SINGING)

(VOCALIZING)

Looks like glam squad really does know all.

Yeah, like you ever listen.

I guess it did take an entire film crew and a famous director

to get me to stop hiding and live a little.

- (PENNY WAILING) - (MIC TURNS OFF)

- We make a pretty good team, huh? - I knew we would.

Listen, um, about the stuff I said earlier...

No. Don't.

It means a lot that you just stopped with all the games and got real.

You're saying I didn't have to laser off my body hair?

Hey.

For what it's worth, I'm still Team Moog.

Okay, so, what's the next move?

Honestly, I think your only move is to just

let it be.

Here it comes for the lovely lady.

- Here's one for the Ax Man. - Thank you.

- Here's one for Toot. - Give me.

- DR. TEETH: One for the Zoot. - This is good.

Nice. So, Craig, stick a 24 on the A-camera.

How about here? Give us a wide.

Seventy-five mil on the B,

and give me a close-up of Animal the whole way through.

Precious!

(EXCLAIMING)

Mind the kidneys.

Well, well, from The Shire to The Shack, Sir Peter Jackson is here.

FLOYD: Been a while, PJ.

You know, we ain't seen you since that night in Wellington,

when we met the Feebles.

Yeah, it was a bad night.

Two of them are in witness protection. The rest are in prison.

(SHUDDERS)

So, uh, why is Sir Peter Jackson here?

Well, Lips saw my documentary Get Back.

I've won a few awards.

Basically, my documentary put the Beatles on the map.

And Lips tells me you guys are gonna be bigger than the Beatles.

- Mmm. - Um... Like, Mr. Peter Jackson?

"Sir Peter" is fine.

Like, Mr. Sir Peter Jackson, we, like, totally already made our movie.

I'm sorry, Janice, but I don't make movies.

- ALL: Huh? - I make trilogies.

ALL: Ah!

All you guys need to do is be natural. Don't look at the camera.

Just give me your talent.

- Yeah. All right. - We can do that.

Yeah, that's right! I feel it.

And, action.

Here we go.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Now, you take one of me.