Original subtitles

I've been at the guidebooks again, I'm a regular fund of information.

It says here that centuries ago the strategic

position of Puerto Rico made it the natural rendezvous

for the Spanish treasure convoys that fanned

out on their golden quests up and down the coasts of Central and South America.

I could say it now. This ancient fortress of El Morro

ringing with the shouts of the buccaneers and the laughter of the...

laughter of the beautiful women. Excuse me.

Beautiful, isn't it?

You may be interested to know this harbor was discovered by

.. Christopher Columbus in 1493, his second voyage.

Later it was conquered by...

Ponce de Leon in 1508.

Did you write this guidebook by any chance?

No, I didn't. Goodbye.

Do I detect a faint note of hostility in your voice?

You do and it wasn't intended to be faint.

Oh, why?

Because I'm one of the few women left in the world

who is not remotely interested in the famous Simon Templar.

Stop!

Senor, help!

Please, stop! Please!

What's the problem?

My husband, senor, they kill him.

Por favor, come.

Come with me.

They tried to put us off our lives.

And my husband, they kill him.

Which way? - That way.

Juan, is an eviction notice.

You understand? - You will never get away with this.

You will not push me off my land!.

Comprende?

You better comprende, pal. Not me.

You gotta vacate. Vamos. Beat it.

This farm ain't yours anymore.

It's always mine, this land.

And my father's.

Listen, Juan.

You borrow money, and so you put up the farm for security.

Now you can't pay.

So?

You get off the farm.

Never!

Leave my papa!

You better mind your own business, man.

Why don't you pick on somebody your own size?

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Senor, you have no right.

We'll be back.

We teach you the lesson.

Go on, get out of here.

Scum!

Peace!

Are you all right, ma'am?

Thank you, senor. Muchas gracias.

Don't thank me. I couldn't have done much without him.

What's your name?

It is Victor, senor.

And I am Maria.

Go, my little ones.

Go play.

Come inside, senor, please.

Thank you.

Senor, in the house of Juan Gamma, you are welcome.

Thank you.

Oh, by the way, I'm Simon Templar.

Senor, and this is my wife, Dolores.

Senora.

Please sit down, senor.

I will get some wine.

Thank you.

Oh, Juan, suppose you tell me what that was all about.

Senor.

Señor, a long time ago, I... I borrowed much money to grow my tomatoes in water.

A big word.

Hydroponic?

Si, senor.

That is it.

But my crop is bad, and the times are poor,

and I cannot pay back.

But I have signed this paper,

and when I cannot pay, these men come and say we must leave the farm.

But we cannot leave.

No.

This land holds the bones of my father.

And his father's father.

And a man does not give up his land because of a paper, does he?

It rather depends on what the paper was you signed one.

Well, I do not know what I signed, senor.

You see, my English, it is not good.

Juan, you will go to Senor Quire.

Yes.

He will fix.

Who exactly is Senor Quire?

Oh, senor, he is a very great man in these parts.

Very important.

He will help me.

Well, if there's nothing I can do, I'll be running along.

Oh, no, senor.

You have done much already.

Muchas gracias.

You're welcome.

And may God shower many blessings on you, senor.

Gracias.

Senor, you are a man of courage and friendship.

I wouldn't go that far.

Juan, he is good man, that.

A great man.

And now I must get ready to see Senor Quire.

The first internal combustion engine used gunpowder.

Did it really?

Yes. It was invented by Christian Huygens.

Did you know that?

No, I didn't.

Ah.

And presumably you don't know how to fix that.

No, I don't.

You'll figure it out.

Have fun.

You wouldn't.

Why not?

I am one of the few men left in the world who is not remotely interested in...

The name is Tristan Brown and I apologize.

Accept it please, step in.

Tristan, eh? I must say I am the old-fashioned type.

I like girls to have girls' names.

I think Tristan is a very nice name.

So did my father.

Yes, so you had to do something to liven up Brown, didn't he?

Exactly.

And where can I drop you, Tristan Brown?

Catania prison, please.

Are you turning yourself in?

No, but I may give the governor of the prison a grant.

Grant? Grant of what?

Money.

Will you give money away?

Quite a lot of it.

Your own or somebody else's?

Somebody else's.

Does he know about it?

No, he's dead.

That's nice, isn't it?

Don't you believe me?

Not a word.

Well, it's true.

Haven't you ever heard of the Ogden H. Keele Foundation?

I work for it.

I get 150 a week plus expenses.

Just for giving away money?

It isn't as easy as you'd think.

I'd be marvelous at it.

Are you a lawyer?

What difference does that make?

I am.

You're kidding.

Columbia Law School.

And the firm of which I'm a very junior partner

administers the Keele Foundation.

And you're here in Puerto Rico to give away some of the foundation dough?

Mostly for rehabilitation and education.

Rehabilitation.

A million dollars would rehabilitate me right out of sight.

That's what I was afraid of.

This is as far as I go.

I'm allergic to prisons. - I can imagine why.

While you're paying the convicts out,

I'll arrange for your car to be picked up and have some lunch.

I'll be back before you about three.

We can drive back by way of El Yunque

and we can talk more about law, okay?

Well, I hate to admit it, but it's very kind of you, considering.

Considering how much you know about everything.

Juan, I lent you everything I could in order to help you to start this business.

Now, I'm not a rich man and I need my money back.

So I have to sell your farm in order to get it.

But, senior, you cannot.

Juan, look, you signed the paper giving me full authority to sell your land

in full settlement, mind, if you didn't pay.

I'm sorry, but business is business.

But... Well, how shall I leave?

Get a job. Others do.

Senior, they say you're a good man.

I think not.

I think you're a devil.

How dare you speak to me like that, you, you ungrateful wretch, you.

After all I've done for you.

Let me tell you something.

That land is mine.

Yes, and I want you off it in four days.

Otherwise, there'll be trouble.

Now, get out of here before I lose my temper.

It is not all right, senior.

Get out!

Oh, bless my soul.

I really believe I was getting steamed up.

I thought you were going to have a stroke.

Oh, these people.

They're there enough to try the patience of a saint.

They're just like grown-up kids, you know.

Do you mind if I join you?

Oh, please, do sit down.

Thank you.

My name's Quire.

Elmer Quire.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Quire.

And you're...

Mr. England Little Island Hopping.

Oh, for pleasure.

What was wrong with your problem, child?

Gamma.

Oh, he's a hopeless bungler, I'm afraid.

I shall have to put him down as one of my failures.

Couldn't you give him another chance?

Oh, you've no idea how many chances he's had already.

You're a visitor here, I take it?

Yes.

Not in any kind of business?

No, not at the moment, but I might get into some.

Well, now, if I can be of any help, do let me.

Here's my card.

I've been here some 10 years now, and I might be able to advise you.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, dear, dear, dear, I really must run.

Well, it's been a pleasure, Mr. Brown.

It's been a pleasure meeting you, Mr. Quire. Goodbye.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, does the governor of the prison qualify for a million dollars?

He's doing a quite remarkable job, you know.

Most of those men aren't habitual criminals.

Oh, no, just nice, normal guys who stick a

knife in somebody's back if he gets out of line.

I'm beginning to think you don't take me seriously.

My dear, I hang on to every single word.

Incidentally, where are you staying?

The Playa.

Why, isn't that cozy?

So am I.

Mr. Quire, I just simply have got to have this property.

Makes for an ideal location for a factory site.

And the beauty of it is no demolition.

Exactly, sir, exactly.

Just a shack of a house and a defunct hydroponic tomato farm.

Perfect.

Mr. Twinewright, if we can agree terms,

I can have the contracts drawn up immediately.

Well, now, sir, what would you say to a hundred thousand dollars?

I'd say a hundred and ten thousand.

It's a deal, sir. It's a deal.

Thank you.

To money.

Oh, just what the doctor ordered.

Tristan, this prison governor of yours,

does he really qualify for an Ogden H. Keele endowment?

He might.

You see, we don't just write checks to organized charities,

and yet we obviously can't deal with the thousands of individual cases.

So, in each area we go into,

we employ a good local administrator,

give him an allocation and leave the handling of it to his judgment.

You must be besieged by an awful lot of owners.

I am. Sometimes.

That's why we have to have very strict rules.

To become a recipient, you have to furnish proof of solvency.

Oh.

Twenty thousand dollars.

In cash?

Naturally.

Let's take these out on the patio.

Fine.

Now, for me to qualify for an Ogden H. Keele endowment,

I have to give you twenty thousand dollars in cash.

That's right.

So you'd be on the next plane to Alaska?

I don't think that's amusing.

Why, I think it's a very funny idea.

Well, if you don't want to be serious... Oh, no, no. Please, come and sit down.

Go on. I promise you, I really am very interested.

Well, you're investigated,

and if you're on the level, you get your twenty thousand back.

Plus, Keele Foundation endowment.

The amount you get depends on what you propose to do with it.

How do you pick the people?

We get the names of suitable individuals from

local government people, bank managers, ministers.

Who have you got in Puerto Rico?

The prison warden I mentioned,

a man called Elmer Quire, a Dr. Custon.

Quire?

Why, do you know him?

Elmer Quire is an arrogant, egotistical chisler posing as a lord bountiful.

He's so sick with the need for flattery,

it turns him blue with rage if he doesn't get it.

I know, I've seen it happen.

You're proud of your turning blue yourself.

I'm sorry.

And I'm beginning to think you're only interested in me because I give away money.

Well, I must admit it adds a certain zest to your charm.

I see. Thanks for the ride.

Come on, don't be angry.

That was only a joke.

Will you have dinner with me? And I promise I won't even mention money.

All right.

Give me an hour to change.

All right. I'll meet you down here at seven.

All right.

You mean to tell me that some stranger just interfered?

A devil, senor!

A big man!

Honest, Elmer, he was a real tough nut.

Now, you get this through your thick skulls.

I want Gamma off that land and quick!

If I lose this sale, you two baboons will lose your heads.

Now get out!

Lovely dinner.

Perfect evening. Thank you.

How about breakfast?

No, I can't.

Why not?

I'm starting off early tomorrow morning to go around the island.

I'm still a working girl, you know.

I'll drive you.

No, Judge Hendricks and his wife are taking me.

It's business.

Are you still investigating reputations?

Yes.

Well, stay away from Al McCoy.

Don't worry. He's right off my list.

Am I still on it?

The very top.

Do you believe me?

Of course I believe you.

How long will it be away?

Two days.

I may kill myself.

Then I have no incentive to come back.

Have you not?

Good night, dear son.

Can I have a telephone, please?

Thank you.

I'd like to send a telegram.

Simon Templar, room 364.

It's to the Ogden H. Keel Foundation, New York City, New York.

Please confirm credentials.

Your representative here, Tristan Brown.

Signed Simon Templar.

Thank you.

I haven't eaten that big of breakfast in years.

You need nourishment, giving away all that money.

Simon, why do you say things like that?

Like what?

Well, I get the feeling you don't believe me.

That you think I'm some kind of a confidence trickster.

Tristan, please.

Sorry, I guess I'm just oversensitive.

Oh, here comes Mrs. Hendricks.

And the judge's wife? - Yes.

Why, you keep such select company.

Tristan, honey, have I kept you waiting?

We've just finished breakfast.

This is Mr. Simon Templar, Mrs. Hendricks.

How do you do? - Mrs. Hendricks.

Well, thank you for the breakfast, Simon.

My pleasure.

See you in a couple of days.

Bye-bye, Mr. Templar. Sorry we've got to rush off.

Jack, please come along, honey.

For your Templar.

Aqui.

Francis.

Glad to confirm Tristan Brown fully accredited

representative of Ogden H. Keel Foundation.

Well, well, well.

So she is on the level.

You are a thief!

A swindler!

Hold it, pal!

He is a crook!

He tried to steal my land!

You signed a perfectly legal promissory note, and I'll

defend it all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary.

What's more, you go round calling me a thief,

and I'll not only have the police after you,

I'll see you never get another job as long as you live.

You, your wife, or your unwashed brats.

Senor Quire, I beg you... Exploding interest, you now owe me $12,000.

Your note falls due tomorrow at midnight.

Either you pay off or you leave this house.

Understand?

Senor, you cannot do this!

No?

Alicron, show him.

Stop! Come on.

Tomorrow night.

Come on.

Go, little one, play, shoot.

I will fight, I will fight.

Rodriguez and Gomez, they fight.

And what happens?

Poof, like smoke they go up.

Well, no more.

Juan, while there is still time, let us go.

Tell me, where?

New York.

In New York, there are only strangers.

Here I have friends.

And when they beat you, where are your friends?

Do they come to help you?

No, not one.

Juan, these men will not stop until we are off the land.

Are you still until tomorrow night to pay Senor No, not one. the money?

Perhaps something... Men like he do not make the stakes, Juan.

He is respected.

You are poor dirt farmer.

It will be his word they will take.

Not yours.

Something will happen.

Someone will help me.

Good morning. - Good morning, sir.

I'd like a room with a bath, please.

Have you a reservation, mister?

Brown, Tristan Brown.

No, I am afraid I do not have a reservation.

I had to leave New York at the crack of dawn and did not have time.

We are rather full at the moment, sir.

I represent the Ogden H. Keel Foundation.

You have probably heard of it.

Oh, yes, indeed I have, sir.

The foundation does wonderful work.

I am sure we can fix you up.

Thank you.

Oh, I'd like a safe deposit envelope, please.

I have some rather valuable papers.

Of course, Mr. Brown.

Thank you.

Not at all.

A pleasure to have you with us, Mr. Brown.

509, please.

Yes, this all seems to be in order, Mr. Quire.

But I am flying back to New York for a meeting.

I will be back here tomorrow night at 10 o'clock.

And if we can meet around 11 and finalize the deal.

That will be fine, Mr. Twinewright.

And I'll have a certified check for $110,000.

You're making a very, very good deal.

Why, that farm is absolutely ideal for your needs.

Ideal?

Why, Mr. Quire, a comparable property on the mainland

would have cost me five times as much.

Well, sir, I must be off.

See you tomorrow night. - You bet.

I sure do hope that my magnolia trees take to this planet.

Oh, I'm positive they will.

Hello, Mr. Quire.

Oh, yes, I had a restaurant yesterday.

Mr... Tristan Brown.

I hope I'm not interrupting.

Not at all, sir. Not at all.

I was just leaving.

Well, so long, Quire.

I'll be in touch.

Thank you, Mr. Twinewright.

Now, you have a good trip, mind.

I'll do that little thing.

Goodbye. - Goodbye.

Now, what can I do for you, Mr.

Brown? As a matter of fact, Mr.

Quire, I represent the Ogden H. Keele Foundation of New York.

Come right in, Mr. Brown.

Come on in.

Thank you.

Mr. Brown, do you mean to say that the Ogden H. Keele Foundation

would consider handing me, say, a million dollars to disperse here, as I think fit?

That's a general idea, yes.

But how did you happen to pick on me?

As soon as I started to make inquiries,

your name kept popping up as the local philanthropist.

So our meeting yesterday wasn't entirely accidental?

You're really quite observant, Mr. Quire.

And that's why you so very carefully avoided telling me your name?

Exactly.

I don't like people to know my true identity until I'm ready to make a deal.

Actually, I'm a little worried about yesterday.

Worried?

The things you said to that man.

Gamma.

Oh, my dear fellow.

Why, these Puerto Ricans,

they're used to these violent expressions.

I was just putting the fear of God into Gamma for his own good.

By the time he's thought things over, we'll be able to work something out.

I'm glad to hear that, because one of the requirements of the Foundation

is that the person we're considering submit a list to us of all the people

he's done business with during the past five years.

Then we discreetly make inquiries amongst those

people, and if we get the slightest impression

that they've had a raw deal, then the application is dropped right there and then.

You can go along with this.

Oh, I'm sure I can.

Good.

There is one other thing.

We have to have some guarantee

that the recipient of a Foundation grant

is sufficiently well-off not to be tempted to...

Help himself to Foundation money?

Exactly.

So, therefore, I shall have to ask you to show me a substantial amount of cash.

Cash?

Mr. Quire, books can be juggled.

Yes, I suppose so.

How much?

Twenty thousand dollars.

The money is deposited someplace,

in your name, of course,

until inquiries are completed.

I see.

Well, I think I can manage that.

Good, then.

Suppose we meet tomorrow at my hotel, say, 11 in the morning?

That's fine. - Well, where are you staying?

San Jose.

Ah, good. I'll be there with the money.

And very shortly, I shall be handing you a great deal more than that.

I hope so.

Thank you, Mr. Brown.

It's been a great pleasure talking to you.

Well, Mr. Quire, I sincerely hope you'll always feel that way.

Goodbye.

There he is.

Mr. Santa Claus.

I want to send a telegram for me to Ogden H.

Keele Foundation, New York City.

Is Tristan Brown,

your accredited representative, here?

Right.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, send Mr. Quire right up, will you?

Thank you.

Mr. Quire?

Right on time.

Ah, be punctual, be brief, and be gone.

That's my motto.

Oh, well, here's the list you asked for.

Thank you.

I see one Gamma's name's on here.

Yes.

Oh, we're gonna work something out.

And when we have,

why, he'll be telling everybody I'm his friend.

I'm his greatest friend.

Good. Did you, uh, bring the money?

Here it is.

Twenty thousand.

Mm.

Count it.

Oh, Mr. Quire, I trust you completely.

Although I must say, I don't feel the same way about the rest

of the world, so I suggest we put this in the hotel safe.

You, of course, keep the receipt.

Yeah, but, uh, just, uh, how long will this take?

Well, until you get your money back or until you get some of ours.

Both.

Oh, about a week.

Usually the board in New York acts pretty quickly on my recommendations.

Sometimes, in fact, we even get the first 100,000 back by return mail.

Mr. Brown, I'm deeply touched by your face in me.

To the safe.

Ah, may I help you, Mr. Brown?

Yes, I'd like a safe deposit envelope, please.

Of course.

Now, if you'd like to put the money into the envelope.

Let's see this.

There you are. - Very good, thank you.

Oh, receipt, please.

That's all right, sir.

Elmer Quire.

Q-U-I-R-E.

Thank you.

Mr. Quire, I'm afraid you won't be seeing much of me for the next few days.

I should be touring around the island and visiting the people on our list.

Fine.

So much to be done here, Mr. Brown.

The people, they're simple,

but so highly intelligent.

If you'll excuse me, Mr. Quire.

You haven't answered my question.

Question? What question?

The Foundation.

It does give me complete freedom.

Whether we give you one or a million dollars,

it's yours to dispose of entirely as you wish.

Now, I really do have... Thank you, Mr. Brown.

Thank you.

Brown?

Yes.

Mr. Tristan Brown, I presume.

I'm afraid so.

And who's that?

As a matter of fact, that was Elmer Quire.

And he's panting at the idea of getting his

hands on a Keele Foundation endowment, huh?

As you can see, it was positively droving.

How much did he put up to get himself considered?

Twenty thousand dollars.

Which is now in a sealed envelope.

Yes.

Filled with folded paper.

You've been reading the stories.

Dozens of them.

You are going to jail just as soon as I can get to her telephone and call the police.

Tristan, I can't explain everything.

Is plain thought that you're a liar. A cheat.

The man in my back has turned you... - When did your back turn?

You were supposed to be away for two days.

As a matter of fact, Judge Hendricks got sick and I had to come straight back.

Oh.

And so I checked out of my other hotel and I came here.

May I ask why?

Because I'm falling in love with you.

Would you excuse us?

Tristan, please let me explain.

I thought you were the most wonderful man in the world.

I trusted you.

Well, just go on and trust me a little longer.

Now, Ed, we wouldn't want it known that you used your government position

in order to get a $16,000 kickback off that new reservoir construction,

now would we?

No.

Well, now, Ed, all you have to do is

you just give me a good rousing reference

when that Mr. Brown calls on you.

Yes.

Thank you, Ed.

I knew I could count on you.

Well, did you see Kendall?

Sure did, boss.

And?

He was gonna rock the boat.

Alicron convinced him.

Good.

Then the only fly in the ointment is one Gamma.

Yeah.

He's a stubborn little guy.

I'm not gonna have a Kiel Foundation grandlouced

up by this little dumb Puerto Rican mushmouth.

If he's not cooperative,

you fix him.

I fix him, boss.

I fix him good.

There you are, one.

$20,000.

For us?

You mean we stay on our land?

Forever.

Sita, it is a miracle.

Ah, si.

Senor Templar,

are you a millionaire?

Oh, no.

Not quite, but I manage.

Sure do.

But I no understand

why you do such a thing for me.

Well, one, I don't like to see anybody taken.

And that's what Quire is trying to do to you.

Yesterday in his office I heard him setting a deal with an

American textile company to sell your farm for $110,000.

But why?

Well, they want it for a factory site.

You see, I say all along Quire is an evil man.

Now you can pay him off.

Oh, but senor, how can we repay you?

What is your price?

I have none.

Mamacita, did I not tell you someone would help us?

Oh, si, one.

Oh, senorita, you must love senor Templar with all your heart.

Oh, I wouldn't go that far.

Thanks.

But you both get married, no?

Like Guano and me, we have much years of love.

Well, it'll be much years of something, I can tell you that.

I'll tell you what, one.

You get dressed, I'll drop you off in the village.

You can pay Quire off right now.

Si, you wait just two minutes.

Excuse, please, I'll help.

Well, counselor.

I don't know why I don't just call up the police and hand you right in.

Because you have a very kind heart.

Now, Victor.

Senor.

Been in any good fights lately?

Yes, I did.

First, an Elmer Quire tried to swindle one out of a fortune, and I stopped him.

It's my kind of justice.

Well, it isn't mine.

All right, where's our next stop?

The police station?

I don't know.

Well, mind if I make a suggestion?

Go ahead.

Have dinner with me, and then at the end of the evening

you can decide whether to throw me to the wolves or not.

Simon, I couldn't murder you.

I really could.

Come straight home, Guano.

No drinking, no beer.

Si, I come home.

Come on.

New machinery, and some more chickens.

And a dress for Dolores.

No, two new dresses.

And for Victor, strong shoes.

Senor, I am so happy.

I am dizzy with happiness.

So are we, not we, Tristan.

Dizzy describes it exactly.

Now, remember one,

get the paper back you signed, and a receipt.

Si.

Call me at the hotel as soon as you're through.

I'll wait for you in the bar. By the way, I moved back to the Playa.

Si, I phone.

Good.

You don't have to tell Quire where you got the money.

It's none of his business.

Si.

Good luck to you.

With $20,000, who needs luck?

Come in.

Come in.

Oh, Juan, I am delighted to see you.

Thank you, Senor. - Oh, do come in, my dear fellow.

Do, do, do sit down, please.

Yeah.

You know, I've been very worried about you.

Yes, deep down inside, you know, I'm soft and sentimental.

And it hurt me that you had to leave.

You and I should quarrel.

There is no need now to quarrel, Senor.

Of course not, of course not.

Why, we'll work something out.

I shall probably be able to find you another farm.

Another farm?

Now, look, Juan,

I value your friendship very, very much.

Now, if anybody should ask you,

I want you to be able to say that El Macquar is your very good friend.

But you are not my friend.

And I come here only to pay back what I owe you.

What?

Si, I pay you back the loan.

Where'd you get that money?

From a friend.

You're lying. - No, Senor.

Hey, you tell me where you got that money from.

Senor, you are a cheat and a liar.

You want to sell my farm to big factory for much money.

Well, now you cannot.

I pay back what I owe.

You give me the receipt and the paper I sign.

I will like the devil.

Then I go at once to Judge Hendricks and I show him the money.

And he come.

And he make you keep your bargain.

You give me the receipt and the paper I sign.

Now.

Aw, come on, Juan.

Let's talk it over.

Now, Senor.

And the paper.

Thank you, Senor.

And I wish now never to speak to you again in my life.

And you got a receipt?

Fine.

All right, Juan, I'll be seeing you.

You're more than welcome.

Adios.

So Juan can now call the farm his own.

And the great Simon Templar is once more covered with virtuous self-satisfaction.

Preservation.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll total along to the airline's office

and see whether I can get on a night flight.

Suppose I don't let you go.

It's nice to be prepared.

Anyway, you promise not to decide until after dinner.

Hi. - Oh, hello, Mrs. Hendricks.

How are you? I'm fine, thanks.

But the judge is real poorly.

Oh, I'm sorry.

His ulcer's again.

Had a fierce attack this morning.

We were out with that doll in Tristan Brown.

Had to turn back, have you met her?

She's a honey.

She?

Are you talking about the Tristan Brown

who's a representative of the Keele Foundation?

Yes, of course.

She's a woman?

Emma, have you been drinking?

Oh, of course not.

Clark.

Yes, Mr. Quire?

You have an envelope for me. Get it.

You ruined a brand new pair of stockings.

I'm sorry.

Well, why don't you look where you're going?

Why don't you shut your big trap and drop down the sewer?

Well, really.

Here you are, Mr. Quire.

Is something wrong, Mr. Quire?

Is Mr. Tristan Brown in the hotel? Oh, no, sir.

I am sorry.

Mr. Brown checked out.

I'll flay him alive.

The oldest contract in the world and I fell for it.

Gee, I'm sorry, boss.

Sorry.

Twinewright's coming here tonight with a check for $110,000.

How can I sell him Warren's farm when he doesn't mind to sell?

A beautiful deal loused up by a dumb peasant farmer and a slick con artist.

And you think that Juan got the money from this guy who calls himself Tristan Brown?

It's obvious, isn't it?

Then why don't you call the police?

What's the good of the police?

What can they do between now and 10 o'clock?

Tristan Brown's probably on a plane this minute.

But, boss...

Juan isn't.

No, he isn't.

Is he?

Let's go.

Drink up, mamacita. Be gay.

Too much wine, Juan.

My head, she's a spin.

Tonight, we will light candles to our lady.

And then in the village,

a grand meal at the Cielito Lindo.

Who is that?

Juan! It's senor Quire!

And those men!

Did you really think you'd get away with it, Juan?

Well, well.

All nicely laid out for the take-in.

Alicron?

Deeks!

I curse you!

You listen to me, you lousy little peasant.

That money belongs to me.

And I want you, your woman, and your unwashed brats out of this house by the morning.

You steal my farm to sell it for much money.

I've sold it, Juan.

And just so nothing goes wrong,

nobody leaves this house until after midnight.

Now, let this be a lesson to you.

Nobody puts one over on El Macquire.

Nobody.

See no one leaves?

Sure, boss.

Since you've decided to leave tonight, I guess I can't stop you.

As much as I love your company, I'm afraid Puerto Rico

won't be very healthy for me this time tomorrow.

Hey, hey!

We played a lot of tennis.

Now I play this. I have to win.

How dare you!

This will tell you everything.

We're close.

This young man is my guest.

All right, now, victim, what's this all about?

Can you call and take back my papa's money and papers?

He's in big trouble.

What do you mean, take him back?

He comes to the house with bad men.

Papa and Mama are prisoners.

All right, better go.

See you later, Tristan.

I'm coming, too.

Hello.

Javis Twinewright right here, Mr. Quire.

Sorry I've been delayed.

I'll be over in about 15 minutes.

That'll be fine, Mr. Twinewright, right?

I'll be waiting for you.

I wonder if it's Victor.

I guess.

I guess.

Hey kid, you come here.

Try and make me fat peak.

Fat peak?

I thought I told you about picking up people your own size.

Come on.

Simon, you are wonderful.

Thank you, Tristan.

Mr. Templar, are you the best fighter in the world?

Coming to you, Victor, that's a real compliment.

One, we'd better get moving.

The night's not over yet, and we have a lot of work to do.

Here we are, sir.

Thank you, Mr. Twinewright?

And now the land is yours.

And here is my certified check for $110,000.

You know, Mr. Quire, it's been a great pleasure doing business with you, sir.

A great pleasure.

And the same goes for me, too, Mr. Twinewright?

Elmer Quire?

Why, you get...!

Elmer Quire, who are these people?

Get out of here!

Shut up, Elmer.

My name's Sir Simon Templar.

This is Tristan Brown and One Gamma,

whose farm is being illegally sold to you as a factory site.

Illegally? That's a lie.

Elmer, if you speak again without being spoken

to, I'll shove my fist down your lying throat.

Now, Mr. Twinewright,

I'll try and explain the illegalities of the situation.

One Gamma borrowed some money from Shylock Quire,

putting up his farm as a security.

Eager Elmer took his mortgage and a promissory note.

But that is perfectly legal, sir.

Oh, very legal.

Except for one thing.

One Gamma paid off the note this afternoon.

He what?

Ah, lies, all of it.

Has Juan got a receipt?

No.

And here is his promissory note.

Which you sent two of your muscle boys out to

his farm this afternoon to take back by force.

Mr. Templar, these are very serious accusations, sir.

Every word of it is true.

Ah, it's all very well throwing these accusations

around, but the fact remains the deal is signed.

Mr. Twinewright here has Juan's farm and there's his check for $110,000.

It's all perfectly legal and finalized.

I'm afraid it isn't.

What do you know about it?

I happen to be a practicing lawyer.

And also, oddly enough, I know how to read.

Juan's payment is not due until midnight.

Ah, this is ridiculous.

Oh, I don't know.

Four minutes is better than nothing.

All right, Mr. Templar.

You pay me $12,000 and you can have Juan's note and mortgage.

Can you do that?

No, I'm afraid I can't.

Juan?

No.

How about you, Miss Lawyer Brown?

No, I can't.

Fine.

Then in order to satisfy legal technicality,

we'll just sit around here for four minutes since nobody has $12,000.

But I have, sir.

It has always been a great pride for me, sir,

to conduct my business honestly

and the true tradition of the great state of South Carolina.

Mr. Gamma, sir,

would you do me the honor of accepting $12,000

for a period of ten minutes?

Mr. Twainwright, to the completion of the deal on your new factory site.

Thanks to you, sir.

Well, thanks to you, one's a rich man.

Mr. Templar,

how much is $110,000 take away $12,000?

Where I come from, son, that's 98 grand to buy a fine new farm, big.

See, and with one big kitchen.

And Mr. Templar and Miss Brown will stay here at the hotel forever as my guests.

Sit down, Victor.

That's very kind of you, one, but I'm afraid a week is my limit.

A week, Simon, don't be so mean.

I can't help it.

It's the way I'm made by nature.

I'm a very unkind philanthropist.