Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Remember Ralph Macafee on Hill Street Blues?

There isn't a cop at Division above the rank of sergeant

who isn't into some very serious money.

-Just how dirty are you? -I was giving the money back to him.

Nothing turns my stomach like a crooked cop.

You don't get off my back, you're gonna be one dead cop.

(chattering)

You've got two wives and eight kids and a lot of dirty money.

And you've got LaRue hanging out there by his fingernails.

LaRue! He's a lame player.

NARRATOR: And now, tonight on Hill Street Blues...

Tell Frank what you told us about the hit.

It's gonna come from the inside. It's gonna be a cop.

I got him.

(gunshot)

I think I saw him swallow the evidence.

In the meantime, we're just sitting around

waiting to see what comes down the pike.

I hope to see all of you at the nuptials this evening.

Grace, I'm getting married in five hours. Will you please get the hell outta here?

Just remember this.

(organ playing wedding processional)

ESTERHAUS: Are we all clear on Item 15?

Renko, wake up.

-(woman yawning) -Good. So much for Item 15.

Item 16.

Item 16

is a memo from the city attorney's office

concerning certain officers in this command

endorsing and/or recommending to suspects the services

of particular bail-bonding establishments.

Guys, we are all victim

of the same spiraling consumer price index.

And we've all been around the track enough to know

the gravity of this kind of no-no.

So, when and if the offer arrives,

-kindly remind those bondsmen -(yawns)

about the conspiracy laws.

All right, the final item.

(officer mutters) Conspiracy. Right.

The final item is a personal note.

I would like to thank those of you who attended

last night's bachelor send-off held for me at the Kubiak Lodge.

(muttering, laughing)

We won't forget that one in a hurry.

(laughs)

In fact, if we gave out awards

for strange and exotic behavior

(chuckles)

most of you would by now have trophies.

(Esterhaus, men laughing)

My apologies to the female personnel

who may feel excluded from last night's soiree.

Let me assure you it was indeed disgraceful.

And remind you that I was not the organizer.

So that is one buck that does not stop here.

I hope to see all of you at the nuptials this evening.

-(muttering, clapping) -OFFICER: Oh, yeah. Another good man gone.

-All right! -Till then, let's roll.

And let's be particularly careful out there.

(murmuring, laughing)

Hey, will you lower the tone of your voice, babe?

Those six aspirins aren't even beginning to...

(chattering)

Phil? Phil? Gang fight.

Franklin Project. Jefferson Heights needs an assist.

You heard the lieutenant!

Project, park! Riverside units! Let's roll!

WOMAN (on radio): Dispatch. We have a 9-11.

-Armed robbery in progress. -(sirens whooping)

See Surplus Store, corner of People's Drive and 124th Street.

(theme music playing)

Any idea what started it?

No, we're trying to raise him now. Wait a second. Here he is.

-(knocking) Frank! He's here. -Please try not to do that.

-All right. -Frank, Jefferson Heights.

Three kids D.O.A. so far.

-Eleven wounded. -Furillo.

This is not our precinct. We're just helping.

Sure. We'll stop everything north of the park. Right. Ray?

Highways going both expressways.

Lieutenant Hunter, Francis. He wants authorization to move.

Ray says highway patrols on both expressways.

Yeah. How about Emergency Action?

Hunter's already in the starting blocks.

-(stutters) -(phone ringing)

Right. Okay. Here's Henry.

What? Bob, it's your precinct.

If you need him, you got him. It's no problem.

Just a minute, lady. Can I help you?

Frank. Commander Swanson on seven.

Says it's urgent.

It's me, Leo.

Oh. How you doing, Mrs. Gardner? How are you?

Better take it in my office.

As soon as possible. Uh, listen, Captain.

Can I pick you up on another line somewhere?

Yeah, I'll put you on hold. I'm very sorry. Excuse me.

Grace.

Hey, I'll have to get back to you.

Well... (chuckles) Hello, Grace.

Isn't it more like 'good-bye', Phil?

Grace, I don't know what to say. I wasn't expecting you.

I thought our phone conversation the other night, uh...

Well, I thought it pretty well elucidated our respective desires.

Your desires, Phil.

(sighs)

Your desires.

I'm not sure about mine.

I haven't slept very well in the last few nights.

(sighs) It shows, doesn't it?

Grace.

This is neither the place nor the time.

I know. I'm making a scene.

Let's say 12:30 downstairs.

I have an errand. I'll be back.

(phone ringing)

Be there.

I'm not stepping a foot in that wedding without a date, that's why.

Come on, you don't have any idea what it's like working in this joint.

Don't tell me it doesn't make any difference.

-(woman over phone) He's so cute. -Well, how tall is he?

I don't care about that. How tall is he?

(siren wailing)

(indistinct chattering)

(men laughing)

What do you say, Frank, Ray? Welcome to the Palace.

-Walsh. What is this, a C.I.A. operation? -Sure feels like it.

-Swanson upstairs? -Top floor. Take the elevator.

Oh. Got a message for Swanson.

-And take these up for the boys, huh? -Thanks.

(buzzing)

-No, thanks. -Thank you.

-Uh, Dave? -You know Skip Fitzgerald, Frank.

Deputy D.A.

Oh, hi. How are you? We've talked on the phone from time to time.

My pleasure.

Lieutenant Calletano, Skip Fitzgerald.

-How are you? -How do you do?

Sorry about all this cloak-and-dagger crap, Frank.

It's just that it came up so fast, we didn't want to take any chances.

-Did you fill him in yet, Dave? -No, uh...

Look, Frank, you and Ray aren't going to like this, but--

Surprise, Frank.

(phone rings)

-MAN: Telephone, Captain. Precinct. -Get that, would you, Ray?

CALLETANO: All right.

Let's go inside, huh?

After you, Frank.

You know as well as I do, Frank.

I'm facing four felony convictions.

That's a minimum of seven the hard way.

And I don't think I have to tell you what's waiting for me upstate, Frank.

I've put away a few people in my day.

Let's face it.

It's a death sentence up there.

So what's to lose?

My virginity?

He's given us over 100 pages of sworn affidavit, Frank.

The big names. Four families.

In exchange for immunity from prosecution, new identity, et cetera.

That's right, because that's the only way it ever works for us.

But if you got a better way, you just let me know, because this is big.

This goes beyond the four families.

He's talking about police payoffs, the Sheriff's department, Vice, Narcotics.

The Kraft Commission wants to open a grand jury.

There hasn't been anything like this for 30 years.

What in the hell do you want from me, Fitzgerald? My blessing?

Macafee wants you, Frank. It's part of the deal.

He trusts you.

That's right, Frank. I trust you.

Nobody buys you. You don't owe no one.

Tell Frank what you told us about the hit.

It can come in 12 different ways, Frank.

But if they're smart-- And they are smart, Frank--

It's gonna come from the inside, you can bet.

It's gonna be a cop.

You have a great knack for landing on your feet, haven't you, Macafee?

Grand jury, immunity, new life, just like that.

Don't saddle me with him, Dave. I've got my own gang wars.

I've got nothing to say about the matter, Frank.

It comes from the D.A. and Chief Daniels.

When he heard police payoffs, he blew, went berserk.

You know how he is.

Dave, he's lied to you, he's lied to me, and he's lied to a Police Board of Rights.

What in the hell makes you think he's not lying now?

You heard what he said a second ago. He doesn't have anything to lose anymore.

SWANSON: It's not our problem, Frank, or our decision.

Our only job is to keep him alive.

How many of my men do you think you'd need?

-How many can you spare? -Spare? None.

I want 30.

30.

15 on each shift.

And I want Ray here all the time.

"I want."

Got a Detective Goldblume on the phone, Captain.

We'll see what we can put together.

-(shouting) -GOLDBLUME: Four kids D.O.A.

21 at County Medical.

It's kinda rough here. We got an overflow from Jefferson Heights.

Yeah. Right. And where's Phil?

Phil? I don't know where he is.

I haven't seen him.

Wait a second. Maybe he just ducked out to pick up his tux.

-Is that the boss? -Yeah.

Tell him LaRue and Washington just called in.

Ask him, "Guess who Belker nailed?"

I don't think he's in the mood for guess-who right now.

Cat Burglar.

No kidding? Frank! Guess who Belker just nailed.

Cat Burglar.

Yeah.

(men laughing)

You wanna tell 'em about the jewelry store?

MAN: Sure.

Last month, Midtown Jewelry Store.

MAN: Now, I don't wanna mention any names, you know.

(chuckles) but the rumor on the street is

this alleged burglar clipped on a press card,

started shooting pictures.

(laughing continues)

Cops got real steamed up about it. They picked the guy up

-and threw him outside. -(laughing continues)

Hey, babe, did you do that jeweler's house in Roosevelt Heights last month?

Hey, not so direct, huh?

The man's got legal situations to consider.

Sorry, Cat.

It's all right.

The rumor on that little number is

this alleged felon

disconnected the alarm system, you know.

Then he reconnected it.

Poor guy didn't know he'd been burgled till four days later.

(laughing)

Wait a minute.

Tell 'em what you told me about guard dogs. This is gonna kill ya.

Well, there's, uh-- there's this guy.

I'm talking alleged now, right?

He privately markets this little aerosol product.

It, um...

It sprays wolf pee-pee.

-Oh, man! -(laughing, gasping)

Nature's way, man. Hits you where it hurts every time.

-(laughing) -Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Much as I dislike interrupting this seminar here, we have our work.

And the suspect's public defender has arrived.

-All yours, Ms. Davenport. -Ma'am.

-You, I take it, are Mr. Heidel? -(accent second syllable) Uh, Heidel.

And you're the arresting officer.

Yes, ma'am. Detective Belker.

I know who you are.

What I'd like to know is the exact nature of the little confab I just observed.

Well, we were just sort of throwing the bull around, ma'am.

It was your basic professional kind of conversation.

-It was no big deal. -No, it's cool, counselor.

Nothing to worry about.

All right.

You'll both provide me with detailed accounts of what was said.

Is that clear?

-Yes, ma'am. -Certainly.

Where is his paperwork?

Just about to get started on that.

Was he Mirandized?

Counselor, would you give the guy a break?

-Was he or was he not Mirandized? -Yes, I was.

-Button up! -Yes, ma'am.

He was Mirandized in English and Spanish.

Any evidence of theft on or about his person?

Yes and no.

"Yes and no."

(chuckles) Well,

what happened is, I think I saw him swallow the evidence.

Some rings, I think.

-You see, what-- -Don't say a word.

Uh, Captain is looking into a court order for stomach x-rays.

In the meantime, we're just

sitting around, waiting to see what comes down the pike, as they say.

You ordered a bucket of fried chicken.

All right! Bottle of ketchup and we're in business.

Yeah. No, I don't think he should eat anything.

Not until I can think this thing through.

Uh, I'd like to, uh, confer with my client in private.

Yes, ma'am.

That will be a real pleasure.

All right, you'll be using unmarked units or your own vehicles.

That's to minimize calling attention to the hotel.

You all know your inside and outside assignments, yes?

(murmuring agreement)

-Ray Calletano's already inside with... -(door opens)

...ex-detective Macafee

and the, uh, D.A.'s security people.

-(clamoring) -Okay. Any questions?

Yeah, Captain. I know this is a small problem by comparison,

but we have a wedding to go...

Me and Bobby have to pick up our dry cleaning by 5:30.

-Then I gotta go get... -We'll work it out. Hold it!

Jefferson Heights owes us for this morning.

So you can expect to be relieved, uh, say, 5:30.

-Phil Esterhaus is getting married! -We gotta go pick up--

(shouting)

We'll work it all out.

Henry here will help you work it out.

-Henry? -Goldblume?

Thanks, Frank.

You're welcome, Henry. I have faith in you, Henry.

RENKO: Get over here, man.

(indistinct chattering)

Uh, excuse me, Captain.

I wouldn't mind lending a hand on this one.

Why don't you just put me in a room alone with Macafee, for his own safety?

You know we can't do that, J.D.

Hey. I'm not gonna touch him. Not gonna lay a hand on him.

I just wanna sit there and watch that sucker sweat.

-Come on. We got better things to do. -Whoa! Hey.

Ain't nothing better. Ain't no way anything could be better.

He'll be okay, Captain. I'll personally guarantee it.

(sighs)

Maureen filed for divorce, Ray.

Huh.

Sariko, I can't even talk to her.

I call her, she-- she just cries.

Her family's making her go back to Frisco with the kids.

Do you blame them?

I don't blame no one, Ray.

But, boy, they bail out fast.

Hmm. My kids won't even talk to me.

All except my oldest, Carly.

She's in nursing school, Ray.

She used to come up to the jail every day,

pretending everything was gonna be all right.

(whispers) My angel.

So, why not do this, Ray?

What do I got to lose? My appetite?

Hmm?

I can't eat a lousy corned beef sandwich without tasting the poison, Ray.

They got some real beauts now, I hear.

You're dead before your head hits the plate!

(laughs)

(blows, coughs)

Come on, Ray. Loosen up a little, will ya?

You wanna play a little gin rummy, Ray? Huh?

Come on. Dead man deals. I think I got some cards here.

All right.

Half a cent a point, Ray.

What's out there? Shooters?

Yeah. Ours.

(sniffing)

You smell gas, Ray?

-Hmm? -No, I don't smell any gas.

I smell gas.

I smell gas, Ray.

(sniffing) I smell gas for sure, somewhere.

(indistinct chattering)

-You smell gas in here? -What?

-Hold on. -Gas?

-Hold on. -Gas?

-Gas, yeah. -No.

-I don't smell it either. -That's okay.

Ray, you can't be too careful, right?

They could pump this place full of gas and blow it up in a second.

-I want it checked out. -That's okay.

-Will you check it out for me? -Sure.

Jerome, let's take a look.

Wanna eat something?

(chattering)

-How about some poker? -Yeah, we'll play--

Later we'll play poker.

No, uh, not now.

GOLDBLUME: I'm not much of a card player.

Fun group.

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll bring in LaRue for you. All right?

-MAN: Hey, that's a good idea. -That figures.

I was waiting for that one to surface.

Yeah.

We got our own little encounter group here, right?

Okay, everybody just calm down and make the best of a bad situation.

How tall is he?

Listen, nobody is gonna see his sense of humor.

How tall is he?

Uh-huh.

How you coming on that warrant for your client's stomach?

There's a case in appellate right now

that x-ray with non-consent is a denial of civil rights.

Which means the D.A. may not want to go for a warrant, is that it?

Sure looks that way.

Counselor, we've been after this guy ever since I've been on the Hill.

If we have to wait, we'll wait.

Those items of jewelry can't stay inside him forever.

Excuse me, Captain, ma'am.

Does no food for the suspect mean no coffee?

What I mean is, it seems to me

coffee travels through a different kind of system.

(stammers) No coffee.

No food, no coffee.

Wait. Why isn't he locked up?

Uh, excuse me.

This guy can tell you stories that are unbelievable, Captain.

This guy could heist the Buckner Building, no one would know it.

There's a lot to learn from him, Captain.

What do you think? Think this'll do it?

Sure, that oughta do the trick. Thank you, Leo.

Uh, counselor, as soon as you and your client are ready,

I think Mick here is ready too.

We don't want to violate any rules of evidence.

Very nice, the sudden concern for procedure around here.

No coffee, no nothing.

So it goes, huh?

Oh, Michael. (chuckles)

You roll with the bad, you savor the good.

Life.

It's the waiting that's always the hardest.

There's a lot of truth in that.

Can I talk to you?

Hey.

Up until about a month ago, I was

dating a real quality woman.

I mean, no dirtbag.

And we didn't see eye-to-eye on a couple things and we split up.

So I'm seeing her tonight.

I'm like this. It's the waiting.

You know something?

I myself can't seem to sustain a relationship anymore.

It's the business.

You work nights, weekends, holidays.

How long can you expect a woman to put up with that kind of thing?

Good luck, eh?

I really hope it works out for you.

Thank you.

No, I can't get outta here till--

You're gonna have to drive down to the church yourself.

GOLDBLUME: Thank you for holding.

It's a 21-inch with remote control.

I put the deposit down on it Thursday.

It's got a card attached to it.

-It's one of those, you know, uh-- -(chattering, murmuring)

(spits)

Salesman said he'd have it gift-wrapped and ready today.

-(Renko shouting, indistinct) -(chattering continues)

(shouting)

What's going on?

Ray?

Oh--Ray?

-Ray, there's poison in here! -Damn rat.

Ray? I told ya!

Ray, there's poison!

I know it! Ray?

Call Frank, see how he wants to handle this. I think he's losing it.

I told you, Ray.

(action music playing)

Walt, what the hell is this?

I don't know. They blew in 10 minutes ago.

How bad is he?

Bad. He's crazed. When he heard the media, we almost had to sit on him.

Captain, the guys from the D.A.'s office are coming down with him.

They're coming down with him? Through this?

No, in the back. The alley.

You get on that thing and tell 'em to stay up there.

You and me go.

-(reporters shouting) -WOMAN: Captain? Captain! Captain!

GOLDBLUME: Block off the end of the alley. No one gets in here till we clear out.

-Both you and you move. -MAN (over radio): Goldblume. Henry.

You read me?

-Furillo's on his way down. -Renko, is that you?

-MACAFEE: What's all these people? -All right.

Frank's coming around.

He says he wants us to hold it here till he gets here.

Okay, okay. Just take it easy. Take it easy.

-Ray, get out of there. I got him. -I ain't goin'!

I ain't goin' nowhere!

-Come on, Macafee! Get in the damn car! -I ain't goin' nowhere!

-(gunshot) -HILL: Shots! Get down!

MAN (over radio): Goldblume?

Goldblume, this is Pooley. Do you read me? Over.

Henry, come in. We heard shots. Come in.

We're comin'. Over.

GOLDBLUME: Anybody hit? Frank, Bobby, you okay?

FURILLO: Seal off the area and get the medics in here.

-Henry. -You see any blood?

I don't think he was hit.

-Heart, maybe? -Was he hit?

-No. -Bobby, let's start C.P.R.

No, no, I think he's gonna be just fine. Right.

So, how's your guy, Frank? I'm just on my way down there.

He's okay. He'll be one-handed for a while,

but I guess that's lucky,

considering what might have happened.

Yeah, I know. And I do regret it.

We're working like hell trying to find out exactly who leaked what.

Oh, yeah. Well, you probably have about as much chance of doing that

as you have of nailing the shooter.

Well, we've got the area sealed off and we're moving building to building.

Hmm. Well, he-- he's gone, Mr. Prosecutor.

Long gone. Don't you think?

Yeah, in a minute.

So, what can I do for you, Frank? I am jammed.

You can explain what I just sent my people through.

A harrowing experience. I know that.

No, no, no, that's not it. We're used to being shot at.

Hell, I've lost three officers since the first of January.

Eleven hospitalized.

That's the Hill. Happens all the time.

We develop a real careful streak, and we think a lot.

Captain, I'd like to go through this with you at length...

So I can't help thinking about you and ex-detective Macafee,

whose testimony is supposed to turn this town upside-down.

As good as that testimony might be all by itself,

nothing adds credibility quite like an attempted hit.

Don't you agree?

Exactly what are you insinuating?

I'm not insinuating anything.

It's just one officer of the court, Mr. Prosecutor.

Thinking out loud to another officer of the court,

who comes out of the hotel fiasco

with about twice the case he had when he went in.

I call that fortune.

Good fortune.

You know, Captain, I actually think that you think

that I may have engineered this whole thing.

Well, I haven't exactly said that, have I?

But then again, it's not too hard.

All it takes is a casual word dropped someplace,

and then casually waiting to see what happens.

With Macafee dead,

there is no case, Furillo.

There's no grand jury.

Do you actually think that I would endanger my prize witness?

Come on, Frank. I know you're angry about what happened.

So am I.

-Believe me. -I believe you know how angry I am now.

But I also think your prize witness was only half a prize.

And I think you wanted to get

your name in the headlines and your picture on the front page.

Well, congratulations, Mr. Prosecutor. You got your wish.

But I'm gonna remind you of something, and you'd better not forget it.

I will not have my people needlessly endangered.

I will not have my people misused.

When that grand jury sits down

to hear Ralph Macafee, they're also gonna hear about this.

I'd go somewhere and cool off, Frank.

That grand jury isn't gonna be interested in your speculations.

-Oh, you think not? -Mm-mm.

Even a dumb cop, Mr. Prosecutor, knows

that a grand jury will get interested in anything that sounds interesting.

So put out the word,

nobody misuses my people and walks away.

No one.

WOMAN (on PA): Nurse Latt, please report to the nurses' station

on floor three. Nurse Latt.

Uh, I don't wanna seem shallow or anything.

But, what exactly do you look like?

Oh. (chuckles)

No, I'm blonde, too. Yeah. I'm a blonde.

That's great. Um, well, you sound swell.

(giggles) I mean, super.

Um, how tall are you?

Oh.

Well, look, uh, maybe you have a pair of shoes with Cuban heels?

Uh-huh.

J.D., Phil asked me to remind you about the ring.

Got it covered, Dewey.

Did you guys get that room at the Savoy Towers?

You know, the one with the mirrors on the ceiling?

(chuckles) It's their wedding night, babe. That's standard equipment. (laughs)

Don't worry, Sarge.

(theme music playing)

You're late.

Oh, Grace. Don't let's be this way. Please?

I know this would be a lot easier for you

if I exercised the good taste to suffer it silently.

Or fade off into the woodwork, or better yet, take a new lover.

-Oh, Grace-- -Do not "Grace" me.

Do not do that.

You have broken my heart,

and I will not be "Graced."

I'm sorry.

I never thought-- I-- I never imagined it would get this involved.

(sniffs)

(sobs softly)

Frankly, I didn't either.

But it happened,

and I'm not ashamed to show how I feel.

Grace, I want sons and daughters.

Marv's abrupt departure woke me up to that.

What I call my

fatherly catharsis, so to speak.

Look, Phil,

I--

I don't question your sincerity.

I think you believe you think you mean it.

Maybe you even do.

When I go, I don't want it to be like Marv.

A lonely guy in a rented room.

I wanna leave my mark upon this earth.

With Cindy, she's young--

I know. She can, and I can't.

And if I could, I wouldn't.

So let's get to the point.

Babies or not,

this marriage is no reason

not to fulfill our true erotic potential.

Oh, Grace, if I'm reading you right, I couldn't.

Oh, no. Please, no.

Out of the question.

(whispers) Listen to me.

We have already achieved a level of intimacy most couples only imagine.

Let's not hang up the gloves.

-Oh-- -Not yet.

-Not now. -Oh, Grace.

We've only just begun to scratch our potential.

(sighs)

Look, Phil.

We can be at my place in 20 minutes.

I'll pop the lotion into the microwave.

Grace!

I'm an old-fashioned man with old-fashioned principles.

You're making me nuts!

And you're my all-time squeeze, and that makes me nuts.

Grace, I'm getting married in five hours.

Will you please get the hell out of here?

Sure, Phil. Whatever you say.

Just remember this.

(romantic music playing)

Oh.

It'll always have your name on it.

I'm still trying to track down the gift.

No, he had-- Wait a minute. Here he is.

Henry, Delgado wants to know about the flowers.

Tell him to call the florist.

No. Tell him I'll call him right back.

Uh, he'll call you back.

Yeah.

(sighs)

I'm sorry, Leo.

I've never been involved in a shooting before.

You know, you're helpless.

Totally arbitrary, Leo. It could have hit anybody.

Bobby, Ray, Frank.

Me. Anyone.

We could be dead right now.

I think I need a drink.

I have a bottle of peppermint schnapps in my locker.

Nah, it's--

Drinking on the job. Another first for me, Leo.

-It's a hell of a day. -(phone rings)

Goldblume. Yeah!

MAN (over phone): I'm telling you. It's not here anymore.

No one loses a 21-inch TV set, my friend.

-Now, listen-- -No, you listen.

You sold it out from under our deposit.

I'll get another one for you!

-No. That's not the point! -What do you want me to do?

The wedding is in a couple of hours and we want that gift there.

It's not here. What do you want me to do?

Well, you are in one heck of a lot of trouble.

-Look, I gotta go. -You, wait!

(exhaling)

(exhaling continues)

(exhaling continues)

Phil? Is that you?

Phil.

You okay?

It's, uh, simple hyperventilation, Henry.

Nothing to be alarmed about.

Well, uh,

would you care to join me

in a sip or two of peppermint schnapps?

Oh, I'd best not. I, uh--

I wanna be stone cold sober for my, uh--

my, uh--

Wedding.

(exhales)

Ugh. That's far too minty.

Cheers.

(exhales)

(clears throat) Uh, Phil,

maybe this is none of my business,

but, uh, you sure you're doing the right thing?

Oh, absolutely, Henry.

Cindy, she's young, she's fecund.

-Fecund? -Fertile.

But do you love her?

I have enormous fondness for her.

But do you love her? Erotically, I mean.

Well, Henry, she's no Grace Gardner.

She hasn't had the opportunities

Grace has had, experientially, as it were,

to, uh,

fully realize her potential.

The fact is, we would have waited,

except for the scholarship.

Scholarship?

She was offered a scholarship to Texas A&M.

Ah!

Basketball. She has an amazing fade-away jump shot.

Anyway, we both sensed that if she went away to school,

the relationship might wither.

Use it or lose it, so to speak.

Well, I hope it's a-- a marriage made in heaven.

(chuckles)

Thank you, Henry. I hope so, too.

Yeah, it probably is. I'm sure it is.

Good. Then, relax.

Everything's gonna be all right.

(groans)

Miss Davenport, quickly.

Uh, I think this is it, ma'am.

Had a big breakfast. What can I say?

I don't want to violate any rules of evidence, so--

That's quite all right. I'll just, uh, wait here.

-Yes, ma'am. -Tell ya, that's a relief.

I'm a basically shy person.

I'm very sorry about this, Cat.

Hey, no big thing.

(clears throat)

(theme music playing)

-(organ playing) -GOLDBLUME: Sign this, won't you?

If you'd have picked me up like you promised,

-it wouldn't have happened. -Come on.

They had us on duty till 20 minutes ago. Nobody's gonna notice a little run--

Look, two feet long is not little, Neal.

Hey, babe-- Ooh, Jill. Lookin' good.

(sighs)

Excuse me, partner, but, uh, could you lend me the keys to your van?

Hey. I just wanna show Tiffany that new paneling you put in.

-You know? -(sighs)

Thank you.

(organ continues playing)

-Hello, Howard. -Hello, Henry.

-(clears throat) -Howard.

Nice suit.

Thanks, Leo.

Henry, I'd like you to meet a very close and intimate friend of mine.

Dick Cooley, this is Henry Goldblume.

-Nice to meet you, Dick. -Pleased to meet you.

Actually, I'm more a friend of a friend that Lucille called just this afternoon.

-Lucy, you wanna sign this? -Later, Henry.

(Woman Speaking Spanish)

That's not true, Rosa. My sister would have given you a ride.

(exhales and speaks in Spanish)

Rosa, that was two years ago.

She said "well-fed," not fat. You're not fat.

-Rosa, Rosa, good to see you. -Oh, hello, Henry!

-Henry! -What's the matter?

Listen, would you sign this, please, for Phil?

Sure, Henry. But this doesn't mean anything without a TV set to go with it.

So it's my fault they sold the TV set out from under us?

-Give me a break. I did my best. -Why don't you leave the poor man alone.

-He did his best. -Let's go, Rosa. Come on.

He's not gonna watch it tonight anyway. Is he, Rosa?

No, I'm fine, Dad, just fine.

Though I admit to being a little concerned about the ring.

-(organ continues) -Finally located LaRue, Sarge.

Out in Washington's van.

And the ring?

The mushhead left it home, Sarge.

Lower East Side.

(groans)

Wait a minute. You're gonna stand there

and tell me that I've spent over $9,000 on this wedding,

and you're unable to produce a ring?

Give her the ring off a beer can.

Don't worry, Mr. Spooner.

We sent our Belker out for a substitute.

What the hell is a Belker?

This is a Belker, dog breath.

Dog breath? Wh-Who you calling "dog breath"?

Sorry I'm so late, Sarge.

I had a real hard time scoring some metal cleaner.

Oh, no, Mick, you couldn't come at a better time.

Hey. You think you could give that ring of yours

to Cindy's brother for the ceremony?

(chuckles) He's my best man.

Yeah, big thrill.

Here you go, kid.

I want that back right after the ceremony.

I need it for evidence.

You saying that ring is hot?

No. It's more like body temperature.

It's that special time, gentlemen.

Well, excuse me.

(wedding processional playing)

Did you get the TV?

No. Just sign the card.

MAN: Take any seat.

WOMAN: It's starting.

I'm gonna cry.

(wedding processional continues)

(cameras shooting)

(whispers) How old is she?

-Eighteen. -Eighteen?

I got boots older than that.

Hello, Frank. No date?

-Fay. Harvey. -Ritual. Nice.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today,

in the sight of God,

to join together this man and this woman

in holy matrimony,

which is not, by any--

-How are you, Mick? -Oh, just great.

I think I've been stood up.

I think you think wrong.

MINISTER: --soberly, and in the fear of God.

Into this holy state,

these two persons now come here to be joined.

If any man or woman can show just cause why they may not lawfully join together,

let him speak now,

or else forever hold his peace.

Sometimes she just can't help herself.

MINISTER: In token

of your careful consideration of the marriage obligation

and of your free and deliberate choice of each other

as partners for life,

will you now please join your right hand.

Do you,

Phillip Freemason Esterhaus,

take this woman to be your wedded wife?

And do you promise,

in the presence of God and these witnesses,

to be to her a faithful and loving husband,

in sickness and in health,

in prosperity and in adversity,

until death shall you part?

I-- (gasping)

(guests shouting)

Nine grand for a wedding, and the groom decides to faint?

(shouting continues)

FURILLO: Get back! Give him air! He fainted! That's all!

He's gone up to the mountains for two weeks of soul searching.

(sighs) Poor Esterhaus.

(sighs)

(laughs) Oh, no!

-What? -Frank!

(laughing)

There's a mirror on the ceiling.

(laughing continues)

How wonderfully trashy.

(moans) Why don't you kiss me?

Hey, you can do better than that.

I'm down here. I'm not up there.

(sighs)

What's the matter with you?

I'm not sure.

What would you say to a proposal of marriage?

I'd say I love you very much.

(exhales)

But marriage, at this time, would not be in my best interest.

What say we at least come out of the closet?

I want a more open relationship.

Frank, we have an opportunity here

for some good, kinky fun.

Do we have to discuss this now?

I feel the need, yes.

Frank,

an open relationship at this time

could raise serious conflict of interest charges.

Oh, that's a lot of crap.

It isn't a lot of crap.

And to have to defend myself against charges like that

would be professional suicide.

All I'm asking is for a more honest relationship,

and you're worried about your job.

Job? You think what I do is a job? It's a career, Furillo.

God, you sound like the rest of them.

You think because I'm a woman

that what I do is intrinsically less important than what you do.

Aw, come on! All I want to do

is to be able to take you out to a wedding, or a funeral,

or a supermarket without worrying about who's gonna see us there.

If you weren't so insecure,

you wouldn't see that as an either/or situation.

You are an arrogant, self-righteous chauvinist!

-Careful, counselor! -Look who's so insecure now!

Assaulting an officer is a felony.

I may have to have you arrested. What would Skip Fitzgerald say about that?

Oh--

Of course, you could always bargain it down to simple assault.

Sentence reduced to time already served.

You wanna settle this out of court, Furillo?

-(laughing) Yes! -Just the four of us?

No, just the two of us.

(theme music playing)