Original subtitles

[Wind and thunder]

[wind whistling]

- Aw fuck.

[dramatic music] [wind whistling]

Oh, thank God, yes.

Yes, hello.

Please help me, I witnessed a murder.

[dramatic chord]

I don't know where I am, I'm in the-- I'm in the woods.

Yes, it was in the cabin.

It's evil.

I'm scared, I'm alone and I'm running for my--

[victim screams]

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

- Where's your sense of adventure Sammy?

- I don't have a sense of adventure, Woody.

[dramatic music] [wind whistling]

This place gives me the creeps.

- [Woody] It's just your anxiety.

- I have social anxiety, Woody.

I'm supposed to be comfortable when I'm alone.

[door knocks]

[ominous music] [door rattling]

- Aloha!

Namaste!

Who are you?

- Go on big guy, tell her your name is Sam.

- Your name is Sam.

My name is Sam.

Hi.

- Hi.

I'm Diane, Carlos's best friend.

- Can come in?

- Yes, yes, of course.

- Wonderful.

- Yeah, we just got here.

- Oh, who's we?

- We, the royal we.

- Nice.

- And all the spirits.

This place is definitely haunted, am I right?

- You know about the vortex?

- The what?

- This will be a weekend of light

and love and oneness and oregano oil, open.

- Yeah, it's a little much.

- [Woody] Oh, yeah,

you're gonna use me to wipe your wet lips.

Oh, God, yeah, oh...

- Wrong pipe

Oh, do it again, do it again Sam.

Wipe her lips now.

- Woody.

- Woody?

- What do you, what do you, what do you, what do you know?

I left my car unlocked and I'm going to lock it up.

Because I don't want any prowling mountain folk to get it.

- I'm sure it's fine.

There's no one around for miles.

Thank you.

[Sam yells]

- Moon Goddess!

- Wolf Princess.

- Oh God.

I am so glad we're doing this.

So much healing.

- And like, so expected with you both here and everything.

Honey.

[can cracks]

- Name's Cliff.

- My husband.

- Sam.

- Sam, wow, that is such a surprise to see you.

- Diane.

- Hey.

- Gonna get in, thank you.

- Okay, Diane, could you just gimme

a quick hand with something?

- Of course, yeah.

Yay.

We'll be right back.

- We'll be back.

- Were you guys not expecting other people to be here?

- Nope.

- What is that crazy person doing here?

- Who?

Sam?

Oh, I just met him, he seems great.

- No, Diane, he is not great.

You are literally the world's most broken human thermometer.

That man is weird, scary weird.

Well Rebecca text-vited him.

- What?

Why did Rebecca text-vite anyone?

This is supposed to be a romantic weekend for me and Cliff.

- You and Cliff hate each other.

- I know Diane.

That's why when we go on vacation,

he gets to go ice fishing,

and I finally get some alone time.

Jesus Christ, he's terrible at packing.

- Yeah.

- I'm sorry.

- No, it's fine.

Hold on.

How did Rebecca get Sam's number?

- Well, she asked me for it so I stole your phone,

and then I found Sam with three

really happy, excited, exclamation points after it.

So, of course, I assumed that was--

- No, that's Sam with three terrified,

stay away exclamation points.

She meant my sister Samantha.

Oh God damn it.

I need a cigarette.

- I thought you quit.

- I did quit.

- That's why you're so cranky.

- I'm not cranky.

- Okay.

- I'm just a little irritable

because I'm on this medication

Intonix, to quit smoking actually.

It causes all these strange side effects,

like surrealistic nightmares, hardening of the skull.

- What?

- Do you remember when I was managing the IP paperwork

on the LACMA exhibit on 16th century Romanian dinnerware?

- How could I forget?

- Okay, and I told you about that guy who was like,

the world renowned expert on antique tablecloths?

- I love vintage fabrics.

That's the guy

- Yeah, Diane, that's the guy that brought

his own napkin that he used to clean everything.

Everything.

- Maybe he was just being helpful?

- No dude.

- In my monastery service, is a core--

- No, I swear to God.

I saw him purposely spilling things to clean them up.

You don't think that's weird?

Oh my God.

You're a shell of a man.

- You love it.

- Great.

Great, this is great.

- I'm seriously afraid you're gonna kill Cliff.

- Diane.

- What?

- That is my business.

[ominous music]

[game clicking]

[ominous music]

- Sh, sorry, I was shushing you actually.

My wife Lilith is indisposed.

I'm Dr. Crane.

- I'm sorry.

I'm Sam, I work with Carla.

- Oh, how delightful, I'm Cliff's brother.

Let me show you something.

- [Game] Vengeance will be ours.

- Can I put my luggage...?

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You know women and their faces.

May I ask you, what do you think of these paintings?

- They're a little bit disturbing.

- Yes, and self-portraits.

- Beautiful.

I see it.

- Self-taught?

[speaking incorrect French].

It's a common French expression.

- Does it mean yes?

- You're being too loud.

- I'm sorry.

- Let's get out of here.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

[dramatic music]

- Oh, God.

Cliff's ridiculous brother is here too?

- Clifford!

Come here.

Oh, okay.

- Rebecca said that she wanted as many conscious minds

from the family as possible, whatever that means.

She's so zany.

- Hey, babe.

So this is fucking great.

- Yeah.

- No romantic getaway for the two of us.

But now the family gets to bond and I get to go ice fishing.

Win-win, win.

- You are not ice fishing cliff.

- Why?

- Because you'll get drunk, you won't catch any fish.

And then you'll be miserable to be around all weekend.

So no fishing.

- Okay, so you're just gonna

have to let me go fishing elsewhere.

I got one hot spot that I want to try.

- Cliff.

- I'll just put it in and just see what happens.

You know, I'm talking about down there.

- I literally wanna watch your entire body

just burn in slow motion for eternity.

- I will forever be burning in that icy hole of yours.

I'll melt it.

It's thick, but I'll melt that shit.

- That's halfway to positive, Cliff, that's halfway.

I thought you wanted him to go fishing?

- It's our foreplay.

- We'll work on that.

- You know, Lilith, my wife had her

reservations about coming here,

and I just said to them,

we are going to a cabin in the mountains this weekend

if it kills us all.

- Why would it?

Why would it kill us all?

Well, this has been wonderful,

but I am gonna go downstairs and kill myself.

- Great.

- Oh, Cliff.

- If you're going to kill yourself downstairs,

please do so quietly, because Lilith is,

she's trying to rest for her head.

- Okay, got it, no shotgun.

I'll just use that furnace, so,

Carla, hear that my head will

be roasting in that fucking furnace.

- I got it.

Make sure to light the pilot light though, babe.

- My brother and his lively wit.

Excuse me, Clifford.

- Carla.

- What?

- Passive aggressive.

- It's aggressive aggressive.

- That's number two on the list.

We're gonna work on that,

so far it's all you.

I don't know what that's about.

- Is, if I may, is Lilith, is Lilith,

is Lilith, does she just have a headache?

- She's just got like a thing with her head that we just,

it's better if we don't talk about it.

- Dr. Crane was very protective.

- It's better if like, we don't mention it at all.

- Have you ever heard of the Roman god, Janus?

Rebecca!

Yay!

- Oh, you're here.

You guys are here.

- I know.

- Yeah, we all made it.

- Have you guys seen my little brother Norm lately?

Not so little anymore.

- Fabulous.

- Growing up.

Big boy now.

- Hey, I'm Sam.

- Oh, oh, you're Sam.

Of course you're Sam.

Well, everybody's here then, yay.

- Oh, oh, sorry.

- Allow me mademoiselle.

- It's miss.

- It's mister.

- [Both] Charmed.

[Carla gags]

- What a gentleman.

- [Woody] Oh, Sam.

- Easy.

- [Woody] Oh my guardian Angel.

I'm spasming.

- [Sam] Woody.

- [Woody] I'm spasming.

- Woody, Woody, Woody.

- [Woody] Jesus, fucking Christ, oh God, put it in.

Oh shit, I'm cumming.

- [Sam] Stop it.

- [Woody] You stop not putting me in the fucking mess.

- [Sam] Woody, woody, I need you to calm down.

- [Woody] I came.

- Do you feel out of sorts, Sam?

- Probably just the mountain air.

- Yeah, ho!

- You know what you need is a nice

hot cup of cocoa and a good soak.

- I like it up here.

There's nobody around for miles.

- Yeah.

[door knocks]

- Who the fuck is that?

- Oh, hi, y'all.

When I saw everyone coming up the driveway,

I figured I might as well be neighborly

and bake you some things.

- Wow, more baked goods.

- You made all that since we got here like 20 minutes ago?

- Sure thing sweet pie.

It ain't nothing but some fried up cookies and elbow grease.

Do y'all have any sugar?

I am plumb out.

- Yeah, definitely.

Okay.

- So nice to have Kelly here.

After what happened to our last neighbor.

- It was, it was a hunting accident, probably.

[wind whistling]

- Perhaps we should go around the table

and introduce ourselves to each other.

- That's a great idea.

- I'm Norm.

I live here with my sister Rebecca,

and I work at the millinary.

- What's a millinary?

- A millinary is a store that makes,

designs, trims and or sells hats.

- Wow, you are just full of surprises.

- You have no idea.

- I thought that a milliner was someone

who sold buttons and ribbons and things.

- That's a haberdasher.

- I thought a haberdasher sold cloth and fabric.

- That is a draper.

Unless of course you're talking about silks and linens,

in which case the word you're looking for,

my good man, is a mercer.

- Hatmaking is a very important part of our faith.

- Is that the Church of Latter Day Saints?

- No.

- Oh, we're, we're not Mormons.

- [Norm] We should be very clear about this.

- [Both] We are definitely not Mormons.

- Wow guys, this is getting weird as balls.

[Diane laughs]

[Diane gasps]

I found moose mushrooms on my way up here.

- Mooseshrooms.

- What are moose mushrooms?

- They are a rare and sacred healing fungus

whose purple cap sprout every nine years

atop certain remote rocky mountain peaks.

- Well, bless your heart, that sounds gosh darn fascinatin'.

- It is--

- But you know, I am really quite interested

to hear more from Norm and this very suspicious story

about the Mormons and the hats.

- Sorry, this is becoming such a big deal, you guys.

It's really not.

Oh, I'm such a klutz.

I'll get it, hang on.

- Carla, have you had a chance to...

- I'll get it, hang on.

- work with Jacob Feinstein again?

- Norm, what are you doing?

You're gonna give too much away.

- Sister, it is fine.

- It's too early for them to know who you really are.

- Tomorrow we will make our sacrifice

and we will be rewarded handsomely.

- [Woody] What the fuck?

- Got it.

- What did you say that you did again?

- Real estate.

- Real estate.

- [Woody] Sammy, I got a real

bad feeling about these freaks.

I was wrong, okay?

I know I told you to come here.

I know I told you to open up your horizons or whatever,

but this is not the time, okay?

- And you live nearby?

- [Woody] Sammy?

- What has gotten into you?

- [Woody] I mean it, we gotta split pea soup, or end up--

- Stop it.

Excuse me.

- The heartland.

- Yeah.

- Where is that, I'm not familiar?

- Salt Of The Earth.

- Salt Of The Earth, is that like near Salt Lake, or?

- Blah bathroom, black, black, black, black bathroom.

Woody, what is going on?

- [Woody] Sammy, you've gotta trust me on this, okay.

It ain't easy to explain.

- I don't understand Woody.

- I've been working for years, years

on my anxiety in these sorts of group gatherings.

And now I finally put myself out there

and it's going pretty good.

And you wanna sabotage it

because some people are a little strange?

Woody, take a good look at us.

Who are we to cast stones

at people who are a little strange?

- [Woody] We are in real danger here Sam.

- Are you jealous?

- [Woody] What?

- You're jealous.

These people actually like me.

But you don't care about that

because you just wish we'd gone

to a place with sloppier messes.

- Sam, you know me better than that.

- Oh, I know you well, Woody.

I know that every time there's a hot dog eating contest

or a chili cook off, or a grape stomping party,

or literally anything involving chicken wings,

you encourage me to go out because you say

it'll be good for me to be around other people.

Well, guess what?

I'm around other people right now and I'm killing it.

I am absolutely crushing it.

[muffled Sam chattering]

- so he is crazy, that's crazy.

You owe me five bucks, bro.

- [Diane] No sometimes, you know.

- I do not have it.

- I think people sometimes just need time to themselves.

- Yeah, crazy people.

- Yeah.

- Carla, why don't you introduce yourself next?

- Well, sure.

I'm Carla, as you all very well know.

- I hear you're in arts financing.

- Yep, you know that to be true.

- [Diane] Do you enjoy it?

- Nope, not particularly.

- Aw.

- Every time you've offered me empathy, advice,

it's like you were just looking out

for yourself the whole time.

- [Woody] I have a weakness for gigantic messes.

But this isn't like that, Sam,

I swear to God this isn't that.

- Oh no, then what is it like, Woody?

- [Woody] Listen Sam, some things are just

too difficult for me to explain.

- If you're gonna be like this.

I just can't.

- [Woody] Sammy, come on.

You know it makes me uncomfortable when you cry.

- I'm not crying, even.

- [Woody] You know that that makes me

wanna wipe your tears up with my body.

- Yeah.

- [Woody] And you know that turns me on, okay.

- I'm sorry.

- [Woody] But I also have empathy for your sadness.

And I don't know what to do with that.

It's very confusing, bud.

- I'm not trying to be sexy, I'm sad.

- [Woody] You're really fucking sexy Sam.

- Maybe we should spend a little time apart.

- [Woody] No, Sam.

Come on, you can't just leave me

in this weird black bathroom.

Oh, Sam, let me uppy Sammy.

Uppy?

Uppy Sam.

I wanna go up, buddy.

Sam, what are you doing, come on.

Put me in the pock-pock Sam.

Put me in the pocky, Sam.

- No pock-pock.

[Woody cries]

- [Woody] Sammy pick me up and put me in your pocky.

This is about that girl, isn't it?

- What if it is, Woody?

What if it is?

- I have two PhDs

and the first one is in medieval,

Francophone, hagiography from Cornell University,

which is in upstate New York.

It's also very cold there.

And so I'm comfortable in this snowy mountain weather.

- So many PhDs.

- Now I am a landscape portraitist.

- Wow, that's cool.

- Right, that doesn't even exist.

He's a bartender, that's all.

- At a wine bar.

- He doesn't even make drinks.

- That's classy.

- So classy. I like wine, I love wine.

- Most of the great masters did have day jobs

before they became known as painters, Clifford.

- Not at your age, I don't think.

- At least I'm doing something with my life.

How's that beer going for you?

- Oh.

- If you really wanna delve up in your creative center,

I'll give you some of them moose mushrooms.

You'll be painting with colors

you didn't even know existed, bro.

Just painting with your Aquarius.

- Museshrooms, eh?

- Well, I am always open to learning about new colors.

- [Rebecca] Oh, it's gonna be so fun.

- May I just say, what a beauty

that is sitting right in front of me.

- Oh, thank you.

Wow, oh, wow.

- Yes.

I'm speaking of course about your scarf.

- Speaking about her scarf?

- No, I mean.

- No, no, no, it's fine.

I, I thank you, my grandmother gave it to me.

- Was she Polish?

- Wow, how, that's, how did you, that's amazing.

- That's from Turlington's of Warsaw.

- Wow.

- You're a magician.

- No.

- Round of applause.

[all clapping]

- Wow.

- May I?

- Of course.

- Yes, I know Turlington's quite well.

What a specimen.

- How do you know so much about

textiles and fabrics and haberdashery?

- Yeah.

- Well, my parents were always

very fastidious with their cleanliness.

They tried to instill some of that in me.

Of course, this was all before the great--

Oh!

Oh I'm so sorry.

Oh my goodness.

- It's fine.

- So sorry, no, no, no.

This is fine Polish silk.

Do you have any hydrogen peroxide?

- Oh, yeah, it's under the sink.

- [Sam] So, so sorry.

- Yeah, I'm feeling kinda shitty keeping that five bucks.

- Thanks, you really don't have to do that.

- Oh, yes I do, yes I do.

Yeah, it's, I care deeply about fabric.

- No one's ever taken such good care of my things.

[ominous music]

- Hawkeye to Mama Nest, come in Mama Nest.

No sign of the target yet

but I'm zeroing in on suspect Alpha.

My cover is intact and I've been

accepted as a local mountain folk.

This birdie will sing again at 0700.

You're nailing it, Kelly.

[Carla crying]

- Stop it.

You stop.

- [Woody] Hey, look at Mrs. Drinks-All-Day

popping pills on the toilet.

Jesus, everybody here's a fucking mess.

- I can hear you, Cliff.

Fucking asshole.

- [Woody] Well that was weird.

- What?

- [Woody] Nothing?

- What the fuck?

- [Woody] Hello, can you hear me?

- Who the fuck is me?

- [Woody] On the towel rack toots, over here.

I'm the napkin.

[dramatic music]

[Carla laughing]

- Oh shit, fucking Intonix.

Jesus Christ.

Okay, this is all in your head, Carla.

Deep breath.

Oh God, I really need to stop mixing pills and booze.

Later.

- [Woody] I'm not a cigarette addiction

medication hallucination lady.

My name is Woody.

- What kind of name is that for a napkin?

- [Woody] Sam named me.

Look, you gotta help me, okay, please.

- Holy shit, you're that thing

he was using to clean everything.

- Yeah, but I need your help, okay?

Can you just not get distracted?

We're in danger here.

- I am fucking losing it, Jesus Christ Carla.

Get your shit together, get your shit together.

- [Woody] Wait, I can prove it.

I'm not, I'm not in your head okay?

I'll tell you something that,

that you could never know otherwise.

- Holy shit.

I'm, I'm fucking losing it.

I am a crazy person, I'm the craziest person here.

How did that happen? Diane's here.

- [Woody] Ask Sam about the night

his father took him to the old pond.

Tell him the moon that night

was the color of blood.

The color of blood, okay?

Please just do it.

Please!

The color of blood!

[Carla gasps]

Hey, where are you taking me lady?

- It just seems like Lilith is suffering

from something more than migraines

because both Carla and Diane

seemed very uncomfortable when I asked.

- I don't care.

Hey, are you going to bed?

You need a little spin cycle

after that dryer's done of our own?

A little spin?

- No.

- Aw, shit.

- God no.

- There's an extra bed up here if anyone's interested.

Norm and I only need one.

We're from big family, so, you know.

Okay.

[ominous music]

- Doing a little spying?

- Sh!

[ominous music]

[Kelly cries]

- We must go see what she has buried.

[speaking incorrect French].

- No.

- Oh, yes, oui, very much right now

because of the snowing and there's--

- No, no.

- We have to do it now

or we'll never find whatever she buried.

- You're very charming, you can't charm me into this one.

- Get your coat.

Sam, get your coat.

Sam!

Sam, come here, the burial.

- What is it?

- Not what, Sam.

Whom.

- Is it a body?

Did she kill someone?

Who would, why would she kill someone?

Who would she have killed?

It's a body, isn't it?

Oh my God.

- Indeed, it is a what and not a whom.

- What?

Is that a pantsuit?

Oh, thank God.

- No, Sam, this is worse.

This is much worse.

- Worse than if it were dead body?

- Sam,

this is a Givenchy skirtsuit, Sam.

Definitely last season.

You can tell from the cut and look at these buttons.

Kelly is an imposter, Sam, an imposter.

Oh, what fools these mortals be.

- You gather all this from a buried pantsuit?

- Not a pantsuit Sam.

A Givenchy skirtsuit Nouvelle Boutique.

It is a very chic designer.

This belongs not in these mountains,

but on the runways of gay Paris.

Who is Kelly really?

Why would she be wearing this?

Why did she come here?

She said she was in real estate.

This is too fine even for real estate.

Whence comes she to here wearing this

for us and hides it so that we don't know what it is, Sam?

It doesn't make any sense.

And is it not also suspicious

that she baked a bunch of cookies

Or at least she said she did, but they were store bought.

- I thought so.

- We must away.

- Okay, this way.

[cool girl vacation music]

- Good, I was just thinking it was too quiet around here.

- You see her?

- After you.

- After you.

- I insist.

- I insist.

- I insist.

- You.

- Carla, Carla, Carla.

I'm sorry, beg your pardon,

but I think we must,

absolutely must assemble a cabin meeting with everyone.

[speaking incorrect French]

- Where are the others?

- Cliff and Diana are out in the forest being idiots.

And Rebecca and Norm took the car into town to get supplies.

They said something about

the nightmare storm or the storm of all ages.

I don't know, I wasn't really listening.

- We have to talk about Kelly.

[door knocking]

- It's her, quick, hide the Givenchy.

- [Woody] Hey, it's about time.

Hi sweetheart, what's your name?

Oh, oh yeah, big one.

- I'll get Lilith.

Let's get out of here.

- Hey y'all.

I heard there's a storm a brewing

so I spent the morning baking.

- That is to say, all you did this morning was bake?

- Heck yeah.

What else would I be doing?

Good thing too, power just crapped out at my place.

- Electromagnetism.

- Just the beginning of the storm.

- [Norm] ...morning of the second coming, will return.

And so does this blizzard portend Him coming.

- And we got Chex Mix!

- [Kelly] Let me help you with that.

- Carla, Carla, I think, I think we should,

I think we should collect Cliff and Diane right away.

- What, why? They're fine.

- There's a blizzard coming in.

- Yeah, they're probably safer out there

than we are in here with these freaks.

- That's the thing, it's about Kelly.

Dr. Crane and I saw--

- Okay, I don't wanna talk about Dr. Crane.

You know he's not a real doctor, right?

- Sure he is.

Hagiography is a real thing.

- It's not a thing.

- Carla, I need you to listen to me, okay.

Dr. Crane--

- Sam, you need to listen to me.

You don't even know these people.

You are not even supposed to be here.

It's just that Rebecca texted the wrong Sam

in my phone like a fucking idiot.

Okay.

- I see.

- I'm sorry.

That was, that came out wrong.

I'm just like, I'm on these pills and I'm.

- Makes sense.

That's on me.

I, I should have double checked that it was the right Sam.

- No, it's, that would be really dumb to do.

- When I got the text.

Stupid.

- You're not, it's.

- Oh God.

- Okay, it's fine.

- No, it's just, it's.

- You're fine.

- It's just my father said something

very similar to me the last day

that I saw him ever in my life. So.

He said, you shouldn't even be here.

- Dude, I'm kind of trying to read.

- We had gone out fishing.

He hadn't wanted to bring me, but mother insisted.

We were out on the lake.

He'd spent the whole day drinking, not catching anything.

Night fell and the moon came out

and he said, look at the blood moon son.

That's the color of your mother's eyes.

- What did you just say?

- And that's the last thing he ever said to me.

- Oh my God.

- We rowed back to shore,

trudged up to the cabin in complete silence.

And then the next day he was gone.

The only thing he left behind

for me to remember him by was his handkerchief.

Like a little tropical print flag of surrender.

- Woody.

- What?

What did you?

- Woody, that's your, your napkin's name, right?

- How did you know that?

- He told me.

- You can hear him too?

- I guess.

- Oh my God, I always thought I was crazy.

- Yeah, me too.

I, I can't believe I'm about to say this to you right now,

but I, I don't think you're crazy.

- Thank you.

- Unless we're just both crazy.

- No, the first one.

- I don't know, we are talking to napkins.

- Shut up.

Oh my God.

- What?

- Woody, he tried to warn me.

- What do you mean?

- He said that we're in danger here.

- Danger, what kind of danger?

- I don't know.

But I think we should collect him

and get Cliff and Diana and get outta here.

- It looks like we made it back just in time.

[wind whistling]

- God damn, it is thick.

[dramatic chord]

[ominous music]

Fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah.

[suspenseful music]

[Cliff laughs]

What?

[suspenseful music]

Oh, ice shack baby!

You want me to put you on?

I could do that.

Thanks for the beer, Mr. Hat.

- Wow, it's really blowing out there.

Looks like we're gonna have to hunker down,

I wonder how we're gonna pass the time.

What about charades?

- Or who wants to decorate Christmas cookies?

- How are you doing that?

- Where do they even come from?

- I made these from scratch.

Got this cute little Christmas sweater.

We can all make some cute little Christmas sweaters.

I mean, look at this, this one has a happy face.

Happy little Christmas sweaters.

- I'm sure that the storm will pass soon.

- And why would you think that Norm?

- The only way we can fulfill our ritual.

- Your ritual.

- Your what?

- I thought this weekend was about Carla's marriage.

- Oh, it is, it was.

I mean, you know, but this is really just,

what he means by ritual is uh,

we were all gonna get together in a little

circle outside maybe,

and with like a little bit of salt and a star in there,

but, or heart, you know, whatever.

It's loving, it's a loving thing.

- It's ritual.

- We could eat the cookies, it would be great.

But now the storm is happening.

So I think you'd be really surprised

at how good Norm is at charades.

- We need an even number of people anyway.

- For charades, yes, exactly.

Doesn't that sound lovely?

I'm gonna go get Dr. Crane. You guys.

- I'm gonna go check on the laundry.

- Yeah, I'll come with you.

Let's do that.

- [Woody] Holy fucking shit, thank God.

It's about time.

- Woody, I am so sorry.

- [Woody] That's okay Sammy, I forgive you.

Look, don't take this the wrong way,

but I still think we gotta get outta here.

- I am right there with you, buddy.

Yeah.

- [Woody] Hey, you brought Amy Smart over here.

- Yeah, hey.

- It seems she can also hear you.

- Yeah, sorry.

I thought you were one of my

cigarette medication addiction hallucinations.

- [Woody] Eh, no sweat toots.

Or, better yet, why don't you sweat a little bit

and let me wipe your brow

with my body because I'm a napkin.

- What do you fellas say

we get outta here before shit gets any weirder?

- Yes.

- Okay.

- Absolutely.

- Great.

- Speaking of weird, Lilith, Dr. Crane's wife.

- Yeah.

- I never ended up seeing her.

Is she okay?

- That's okay, yeah she's--

- Yeah, that is strange.

- Yeah, she's, she's fine.

- Tell her, tell her I said hi.

[Rebecca scream]

[dramatic chord]

- Holy shit.

- I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to alarm anyone.

- Check the body.

- It's okay.

We can play charades with odd numbers, right?

- No pulse.

He's dead.

- No, he's just a little stiff, that's all.

I know in this altitude sometimes I don't sleep well

and, and my shoulder gets a little crink in it

and gets kind of frozen, you know what I mean?

And sometimes I can just sort of

walk around like this and then I can't really move.

And sometimes I do end up laying, you know, on the ground.

Right? That's a yoga move.

Savasana? Yavasana? Savasana, I was right the first time.

That's what it is.

This is the most powerful yoga move.

I don't know if you know that.

I do that, I do that yoga, I do it.

I do it every day.

It really relaxes me.

Really all he needs is just a nice cup

of hot cocoa and a really good soak.

- We've all got to remain calm.

- Okay.

- Okay?

- Who could have done something like this?

- Lilith.

[dramatic music]

- That's Lilith?

- Yeah.

- She's, she's, she's very beautiful.

- She's aight.

- What is?

What?

No!

No!

No!

- The way you were talking about her made me think

she was like, hideously deformed or something.

- Oh, well wait for it.

- Wake up, wake up!

Who will study the saints of the Old France now?!

[Lilith sobbing]

[record scratch]

- There it is.

- Two heads.

You could've said--

- Well, one head, two faces.

- You could've said that.

- It's hard to explain.

- It's not hard to explain, she has two faces.

You could've said she has two faces.

- You would've asked a lot of questions.

- You were saying she has uh, uh.

- It's just!

- Who did this?

Who killed my doctor?

Which one of you bastards did this?

- What?

You just did it to--

But you just--

- Her husband just died!

- I thought we were slapping people to keep them calm!

- That doesn't even make sense!

- We have got to stop slapping people!

- You started it.

[hands smacking]

- Oh wake up, please wake up!

- So this is sad.

[wind whistling]

- What about wild animals?

- There's nothing coming out in this.

You didn't kill 'em, did you see Sam?

- What?

No.

- Yeah, you don't strike me as the type.

Who do you think did it?

- I don't know.

I sure wish Cliff and Diane would come back.

- I'm sure they're doing everything in their power

to get back here in one piece.

- Yeah.

Should we say something?

[wind whistling]

- Oh shit.

Excuse me, sorry.

Excuse me.

If I could just get a hand.

I will not let myself freeze to death in this beautiful

and majestic, but deadly and icy tundra.

There's a stray branch in between my thighs.

Do it like a mama gorilla, do it like a mama gorilla.

Oh wonderous, cruel nature.

- It's a fairy castle.

[dramatic music]

It's a fairy castle on the ice.

It's Neuschwanstein.

Thank you Goddess!

I'm coming for you Neuschwanstein!

I hope they make me their queen.

Oh yes, thank you.

Cliff?

What are you doing in Neuschwanstein?

- What?

[Harry hums]

- Tiny Bavarian chair.

- [Harry] Get comfortable, Diane, for soon you will be mine.

- Excuse me?

You are married to my best friend, sir.

- Did you eat some of those mushrooms?

- Is it that obvious I'm tripping?

- Hearing shit?

- [Harry] You are hearing shit.

You're hearing me!

[Harry laughs]

The moose mushrooms expanded your mind.

Soon all of your minds will be opened.

And then I will feed on your souls and assume my true form!

- Earth to Diane.

You, you, you here?

- [Harry] Trying to make plans to eat people's brains.

And I need the souls to do it too.

- Hey, you with me?

Diane!

- Cliff.

- You'd better eat some moose mushrooms too, my brother,

because there is some weird ass shit

you gotta see with this fucking hat.

- Every single one of you had both

the motive and the opportunity.

- How do you mean?

- Well, Diane and Cliff are suspiciously absent.

- Clifford was very jealous of his brother.

He was smarter, more successful, and had a bigger bottom.

- Okay, for sake, Lilith,

your husband was a lazy fraud

who spent a decade in school to avoid getting a real job.

I mean, medieval hagiography is not even a real thing.

He's a fucking asshole, you're a fucking asshole.

You all suck and Cliff is twice

the man Dr. Crane is, or was.

- Carla.

- What?

- The women just lost her husband.

- Okay, I'm sorry.

- [Woody] Hey guys, why are we not pointing fingers

at the freaky cult twins over here?

- What about our hosts?

- [Woody] There you go.

- Norm and Rebecca, you two have been suspiciously

up to something this whole weekend.

- Yeah, clearly this weekend is not about me and Cliff.

- Okay, our ways are strange, for sure.

I will give you that.

But we would never kill any of you.

- I heard 'em, Sam.

I heard 'em talking about a sacrifice, buddy.

- I overheard them talking about a sacrifice.

- What we meant was a sacrifice of your time.

- Yes.

- You know, you all came here

and we're hanging out, you know.

Jamming about hats, talking about 'em, learning about them.

- Hats.

- That's what this was for and we're doing it right now.

It's that.

- Yes.

- What we meant.

- People, we have got to stop

pointing fingers at one another.

- I have something else to say.

Kelly is not who she claims to be!

- Oh, come on.

- Dr. Crane and I saw her early this morning

burying something out in the tundra.

We became suspicious and we went and we dug it up.

We found buried there a torn Givenchy skirtsuit.

- Torn?

- Oh my God!

What's that?

- A very chic designer.

- Where is it?

- In the dryer.

Right here.

- It's gorgeous.

- Kelly came over right after

we found the Givenchy.

So Dr. Crane hid it in the dryer.

Kelly must have seen him at some point,

and so she killed him.

- Oh my God.

- [Woody] I fucked the shit out of that thing.

I'll tell you, she's--

- And I found some sort of high tech gizmo of hers.

- What?

- Where's that?

- Downstairs.

It fell out of her pocket

when we were slapping each other and,

and all that.

- Kelly, is this yours?

- Yes but, but I didn't do it.

- Oh, Kelly, stop being so two-faced.

Lilith, I am so sorry.

It was so literal.

And it, I.

- Sh, it's fine.

I don't think that we should wait

for this woman to trick us anymore

with her Givenchy-wearing

[speaking incorrect Italian]

Let's tie her up.

- I don't know what that means, but I'm with Lilith.

This bitch has got to go.

- Kelly, I love you like a neighbor, but killing Dr. Crane,

that was just, that was not neighborly at all.

- Guys, do not turn this into a witch hunt.

You have no idea what's really happening.

- [Sam] A power outage.

- [Rebecca] It always comes right back on.

[squelching]

- [Carla] What's that sound?

- The stars are ageless, aren't they?

- This isn't what it looks like.

- Kelly!

Stop killing people.

- I didn't do it.

- Okay, I think if we all work together, we can take her.

- Okay.

Get her!

[both laughing]

- Oh my God my face.

- My face hurts so much.

- My face.

- My whole face hurts.

- Stomach, it's like an ab workout.

- Wow.

These mooseshrooms are really something.

- How long have we been laughing for right now?

- Can you believe that your and Carla's wedding

was five years ago?

- Been married to Carla for five years.

- Oh no.

- That's, that's over 1500.

- Cliff, Cliff.

- What?

- Cliff, Cliff.

- Fucking grind.

- Cliff, my man, listen, listen.

I'm gonna save your marriage.

I've got a certificate.

From the Topanga Women's Ayahuasca Troop.

- TWAT?

- The Topanga Women's Ayahuasca Troop.

- Oh, I heard you.

- Whole troop of people doing good work.

- Okay, listen.

- I'm, I'm listening.

- Okay, check it, check it, check it.

- [Diane] What's up?

- It's the Topanga Women's Ayahuasca Troop.

- Yeah, Topanga Women Ayahuasca Troop.

- TWAT.

[Diane laughing]

- It spells TWAT!

I was wondering why everybody

was going around calling everybody twats.

No way, man!

- Hey, where'd, where'd that guy go?

- What guy?

- That hat.

- What hat? Oh, Harry?

- Yeah.

- That guy?

- Yeah.

- That guy left weeks ago.

- What?

- Yeah, remember he said he was gonna,

he was going to, he was gonna eat the souls of

our comrades, remember that?

- Geez.

- Yeah, I know, something about how he's an alien

trapped in the form of a hat.

How, initially he thought the easiest way out

would be to convince those weird

culty twins that he was their Messiah.

So that they would sacrifice themselves and us

so he could use their bodies as vessels to take human form.

They really screwed the pooch on that front,

so now he's just gonna try to

suck everyone's souls out through the top of their heads.

Because he derives sick pleasure from our suffering.

[dramatic music]

I wasn't really listening, man.

You know, like, I'm so in and out most of the time.

Like, am I just a bad listener?

- No, no, no.

That guy was just so much.

- [Diane] Too much, right?

- Too much.

- He's like, just like !¡cállate la boca! bruh

- It's enough, it's enough.

Shrill.

- Too much.

- You think my marriage really needs saving?

- I think that you and Carla truly love each other,

but you're both deeply afraid to be present in that love.

- What?

- You and Carla are perfect complements,

but you need to be open to your true selves.

- So like, no more joshing each other

about killing each other

in very creative ways?

- Yeah, no.

Where is all that anger coming from Cliff?

- My selfishness?

- Wow.

That is heavy.

Go on.

- When we first got together, all I cared about was her.

I wanted to take care of her.

After a couple years of marriage,

we stopped being on the same team.

Now it's just about what I can get away with,

what I can take from her.

- Wow, yeah.

- I just wanna get mine and she wants to get hers.

Somewhere, it all just turned into a business transaction.

- Just so you know, we're gonna have to wrap this up.

We're actually out of time.

- You know when it changed?

When she quit musical theater and got a corporate job.

What's funny is I encouraged her to make that decision.

I wanted her to feel like an independent, successful woman.

But she's a terrible nine to fiver.

It's not Carla.

She was really great at being an unemployed actress.

- I bet.

- Whoa.

- If we can just, we can just, wrap it on up.

- Okay.

I'm just.

- Bundle those feelings up 'til next week, okay?

- I'm, I'm just.

- Bow this for the week,

next week, we'll really delve back in, okay?

I think we've had some really

good progress here today though.

Yeah.

Some really good progress here today.

- I think I like what's happening with these hands.

- Like this hand movement, me too, me too.

- My problem is, though,

all this cool, like soul searching we've been doing?

I can't, I, I don't know how to fix it.

- Tell her, forget all these delicious cans

of cold brewskies and your fishing poles and your trout,

and let's go save your marriage.

- Okay.

- [Diane] Okay?

- Yeah.

- [Diane] You on board?

- Yeah!

- I'm on board!

- There is no time to waste your majesty.

Get your coat.

- Oh, it's cold.

- Cliff, grab onto my wolf afghan.

- Why did we leave?

- I don't know.

- We gotta go back.

- No, we've come too far.

It's all for love, Cliff.

- No.

- It's all for love.

- Carla!

Oh shit.

[wind whistling]

- I can explain everything.

I didn't kill anyone, but I know who did.

- I don't believe her.

- Me neither.

- I can't tell.

- As you may have surmised, I am not who I said I am.

That much is true.

- Yeah, it's obvious.

- I am a secret agent.

I work for a covert government group

akin to what you all know as the Men in Black.

- Like the movie?

- Ah fuck.

- We handle top secret paranormal investigations.

And I am part of a task force that deals

with potentially malicious extraterrestrial entities.

- But Kelly, you're our neighbor.

- I was assigned here to keep an eye on Norm.

- My Norm?

Normy Norm, the Norminator?

What do you have against Mr. Nomnom?

- We have reason to believe

that the hat Norm communicates with,

the one you believe to be the second coming of your God,

is actually an extra-dimensional alien

trying to materialize in our universe.

- What, that's impossible.

- Okay, but if you didn't kill the Cranes, then who did?

- The evil alien life force

that Norm communicates with, Harry the Hat.

But don't worry, if you just untie me,

I can get this situation under control.

- [Harry] Not gonna let that happen, hiya!

Ooh suction engaged.

I'm a-chopping, nom, nom, nom.

Num, num, num, num, num.

It tastes so good!

Num, num, num, num, num.

- Harry, come here!

- Told you I didn't do it.

- [Harry] And a flawless dismount.

- Oh Norm!

Mr. Nomnom!

My little Normweigian Wood!

- We should go.

- We should.

- We should go.

- [Harry] You're not going anywhere!

Oh yeah, you gotta run a little, juke juke?!

A little bob and weave, you might even escape!

- Jesus.

- My little Garden Norm.

- [Harry] Where do you think you're going?

Coming for your ankles.

- You can do this, Norm Chomsky.

- [Harry] What about this door?

But you can't get outta here because I'm in the way!

Hiya, hiya!

- I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming to you!

- [Carla] Run!

- [Hatty] How's your soul sweetheart?

Can I get a little sucky sucky?

Oh yeah, go into the room with no exit.

I got you, suckers!

- Was that a fucking flying hat?

- That was a fucking flying hat!

- Oh my God.

- Woody, did you know about that flying hat?

Hmm?

- [Woody] This ain't easy, Sammy.

Listen, I know deep down,

you've always believed I was a part of you.

- Yeah.

- [Woody] And you've been like a son to me.

- And you've been like a father and a lover to me.

- Okay, guys, this is really

fucking touching and everything,

but could someone please explain what's going on?

Please?

- Give us a minute.

- [Woody] What I'm trying to say is, I'm an alien.

- From like a whole planet of handkerchiefs?

- [Woody] What?

No, Sam, that's the most ridiculous

shit I ever fucking heard.

I'm from the ninth dimension.

Beyond space, beyond time,

beyond what humans can comprehend.

When you humans look out into the cosmos,

you see chains of galaxies.

When you look into your own fucking brains,

you see chains of neurons.

You are shackled by these chains.

These are the limits of human consciousness.

Where I come from, everything is about cosmic order.

And your world is filled with delicious chaos.

- That's why you love to clean up messes.

- [Woody] Exactly.

The first couple of dimensions for me,

that's like like my baser desires, you know what I mean?

- I hear them coming.

I'm definitely gonna need a brush-up on this later,

but for now can we just not get cut

into little fucking pieces by a goddamn hat?

- Yeah, we need to find Cliff and Diane too.

- Look, Sam, I get where you're coming from.

I really do.

I'm really sorry to tell you this,

but they're probably dead by now.

You know, frozen out that blizzard,

but we have to help ourselves, you know.

We should get back to civilization.

We'll have a nice double funeral for them, you know?

We'll get one of those big sandwiches

and we'll play Blackbird we'll light candles.

- No, no, no!

- Why?

- We can't just leave them.

- What else do you wanna do?

I'm just being realistic, fuck.

- [Woody] Sam's right, Carla.

- What?

- [Woody] We need more human consciousnesses

to fight off Harry the hat.

- What the fuck does that mean?

- [Woody] Harry wants to be summoned into this world.

That's the ritual those creepy

fucking twins we're talking about.

- Fucking Rebecca, I knew it.

- [Woody] But then there was the storm

and everybody split up and got high

and the plan didn't work out.

So he started just killing people.

That's kind of what he does.

He tends to jump right into killing people.

- Great.

- Bastard.

- He's half in the world already.

For him to fully enter,

he needs this circle of human minds to bring him in.

You need like three, four good minds, probably.

- Well, they, they only have Norm and Rebecca,

and that's, that's just two so.

- Well, and that's why they're after us.

We need to act fast.

- [Woody] We could banish him entirely

using our own mental cosmic web

if we had two minds that were cosmically bonded together,

like soulmates, but.

I'm just, I'm looking at you two,

and I don't think your soulmates.

- Oh no, definitely not.

He's off-putting and strange and smells like shoes.

- Okay.

Was that really necessary?

- Oh grow a dick.

- [Woody] Oh.

- Carla, this entire weekend,

you've been nothing but unmitigatedly cruel

to the people in this world who love you the most.

- Excuse me?

- You have an amazing best friend.

A wonderful family,

a husband who's endearing in, in his own way.

And you cut them all down every chance you get.

- No I don't.

- I have been nothing but polite

and kind to you this whole time,

even though I was invited here under false pretense.

- Oh, that's not--

- We all came here for you!

And now at least three people are dead.

And then you still feel entitled to insult me to my face.

How do you go through life like this?

What is wrong with you?

- I don't, I don't know.

I'm just going through a hard time.

I don't know.

I don't mean to act that way.

- This window is still frozen shut

and we are buried under a pile of snow!

- Muchachos, look who you're talking to here.

Sammy, have you ever seen a mess that I couldn't clean up?

- No, but Woody, this is hardly the time for that.

- Sam, a pile of snow is a mess.

And I like messes.

And that's why I came to this planet,

to wipe up messes with my body.

- All right.

- Use me to clean, Sam.

- Use him to clean, Sam.

[wall bangs]

[Carla yells]

Shit!

Oh my God.

- You gotta hurry, you gotta fucking hurry.

You've gotta do it a little bit faster.

No, faster, faster than that, oh my God.

Holy shit, Sam, I don't wanna die.

You gotta go faster, I know this is a big moment for you,

but you've gotta go faster.

I'm sorry I was mean to you.

I'm sorry I told you you smell.

- It's working.

- Oh shit.

- I see, daylight!

- You get it?

Oh shit, oh shit.

[suspenseful music] [both yelling]

- Grab the coats!

- Okay.

Here, Sam!

- All right.

- [Harry] Let me in.

- Okay, okay.

- [Harry] We could have been friends.

We could be friends.

I just wanna be friends.

- [Carla] That's it, we're gonna make it,

we're gonna make it, you've got it!

I got ya, oh fuck.

Jesus Christ.

[ominous music]

- [Sam] Come on.

Which way did Cliff and Diane go?

- [Carla] I don't know, I don't know.

That way, that way.

- [Sam] Okay.

[suspenseful music]

Come on.

Come on, get up.

- I can't

- Get up, yes you can.

- [Carla] I can't.

- You wanna be killed by a hat?

- [Carla] I guess.

- You wanna freeze to death--

- [Carla] Yeah.

- Just because you're running from a hat?

[Carla whines]

Come on, Cliff is out there somewhere.

We gotta find him.

Remember how much you love him?

Kind of.

You got this weird sadomasochistic thing going on

and it works for you.

- This is a terrible vacation, Sam.

- I know, I know, it's terrible.

Come on, if we stick together.

If we stick together, I think we can defeat this guy.

All we have to do is make sure.

- I don't see him.

- Maybe we stay back to back.

- [Harry] I don't think so.

- Oh my God!

[dramatic music]

Carla!

Carla!

[suspenseful music]

- Oh shit.

[suspenseful music]

Sam?

Woody?

Cliff?

Cliff, I'm sorry!

[dramatic music]

[dramatic chord]

Sam?

- [Harry] Ha, surprise!

Om, nom, nom, nom!

[Harry munching] [Carla crying out]

Your soul is so delicious!

Oh yeah, fall down gently.

[Harry laughs]

Ya good soul!

Oh it's been a while

and it tastes even better than I thought!

- Where'd she go, Carla!

- [Woody] I'm freezing my balls off, Sammy.

- [Harry] Surprise!

You're not going anywhere.

Witness and reveal!

Oh, yeah, try for the left, now I'm in the left.

Try for the right, I'm on your right!

I'm gonna get your brain!

Ow, fuck.

[suspenseful music]

- Carla.

Carla, I have such a story to tell you.

Oh my God, I have had the adventure of a lifetime

and things are gonna be different.

Trust me, things will be different.

Oh my God.

What are you doing out here?

What are you doing, playing dead or something?

Oh, okay.

This is because I called you lazy.

I get it, I get it.

Okay, sorry I called you lazy.

I'm sorry, I think I'm just sorry, you know?

Hey, come on, let's go inside.

It's gonna be a good time.

I got so much to tell you around the fire.

This, hey.

Hey.

Carla?

What are you doing out here, what's all this?

What is this, like snow cones?

You're crazy.

What is this, like cherry or strawberry?

That's not.

Carla?

Carla?

Oh fuck.

Oh my, oh my God.

I'm, I'm, I'm sorry, I, I.

[dramatic music]

Okay, uh, oh fuck.

[dramatic music]

- Grand entrance.

Well, you certainly look cozy.

- Is that a problem?

- Oh, no, no, no.

Don't let me intrude on your hot cocoa sesh

and your nappy time.

Certainly more fun than taking out this group of recruits

to the anointed spot and sacrificing them in a circle.

- I can hardly be held accountable for the weather.

- I was supposed to be the Uber-Hut.

- You just started killing everyone.

I, I tried to stop you.

That wasn't the plan, Harry.

You always jump to killing people so soon.

- I have a better idea.

- You're weak Norm and I'm outtie.

Watch me fly!

Intermixing consciousness'es'es'es!

- Sister.

How could you?

[dramatic music]

- Well done Rebecca.

[dramatic music]

- Sam!

Oh gosh, Sam!

Yes.

Oh gosh.

Oh, oh, oh no.

Oh God, I'm down.

- Okay.

- Okay.

I've never been so happy to see anyone in my whole life.

- Diane, it is so good to see you.

- [Woody] Oh, great.

Yeah, everybody's alive, great.

- Yeah, of course I'm alive.

Although I am very lost.

- You can hear him too.

- Who?

- [Woody] Me, I'm the napkin.

- Oh my grass, your handkerchief is talking.

- [Woody] The name's Woody.

Nice to meet you.

But save your lovey-dovey reunion stuff

for if we get outta here with our stitching,

and whatever you call 'em, heads, respectively.

- Have to admit, a little confused about what's going on.

- The situation back at the cabin

has really, really, really deteriorated.

Rather horrifically.

We're in grave danger.

- Oh no.

- Oh yeah.

- Okay.

- We have to go back to the cabin

and we have to make our final stand against Harry the hat.

- Aw, really?

- I know.

- But he's such a cool.

- He's not.

- Okay.

- He's awful.

- Well, okay, I'm with you.

Only thing, don't know where the cabin is.

I've been looking for it for hours.

- I don't know either.

- It's literally been, I think hours.

- I am so lost.

- It's like the Labyrinth of Daedalus.

- It's a labyrinth of confusion and snow.

- Seriously, I'm worried.

- Oh look, it's right there.

- We might not find it.

There it is.

- [Diane] It's right there.

- Wow.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- I don't know if it was the snow in my eyes or what.

- Yeah, no, I'm not.

- Well, should we?

- It's right there.

[Diane laughs]

- Yeah.

- Yeah, no, lead the way, lead the way.

- Okay, alright, let's go.

- Wait, quick, real quick.

I'm still unclear if I am tripping or if,

or if people are actually dead.

- They're actually dead, come on.

- I also really have to pee.

[dramatic music]

Oh my God, Norm.

- [Both] Da fuck?

- You were fools to come back here.

I will crush your world and eat your dimension.

- Rebecca, this was your plan all along?

- My brother Norm was but a worm,

a tool, you really think he was the chosen one? Bah!

It was my birthright to inherit the spirit of our Lord.

- Yeah, you guys, I'm definitely not following this.

- I'll explain what I know later.

- Okay, yeah, yeah, great, thanks.

- You never understood me, Diane.

You and Carla both, you never believed

I would amount to anything,

but now I will become Lord of this world.

- No, that is not true.

I totally had faith in you

when you wanted to be a ski instructor.

- I don't wanna be a fucking ski instructor, Diane.

I wanna become power incarnate!

- Woody, fly.

- [Woody] Alright Harry, you've had your fun.

- Oh, you're gonna monologue first.

- Makes sense.

- [Woody] Leave these people alone, it's me you want.

- I do want you, Woody.

All of this death and destruction could have been avoided

if you had just cooperated.

- [Woody] Hey, don't put this on me.

I'm on fucking vacation here.

- Join me, Woody.

Think of the team we would make.

I kill him, you clean up the debris.

It'd be just like the good old days.

- [Woody] That's all behind me now.

- You belong with me in the higher planes.

I will create messes

that will be beyond your wildest dreams.

Together, Woody, we will, mop up galactic superclusters!

- [Woody] I spit on your offer,

and then I clean up the spit 'cause I'm a napkin.

And it makes me come to do that.

I choose to stay here, with my true friends.

- What could these humans possibly offer you?

- [Woody] You wouldn't understand.

You could never be as messy as these people.

I searched the entire universe.

No species anywhere can match the low down dirty,

disgusting, messy, chaotic filth of human beings.

There is a floating pile of garbage

in the middle of the fucking ocean

that's the size of Florida.

- That's disgusting.

- [Woody] You could keep your beautiful

chandelier universe, I'll take earth.

Thank you very little.

- Very well.

I can see you have made your decision.

Too bad you won't be able to enjoy it for long!

[dramatic music]

Take that!

- [Woody] You mean take hat!

[both chuckling]

- It's a good one.

- [Woody] You can't even pun, you son of a bitch.

[dramatic music]

- [Diane] Get him, get him

- [Sam] Go on, get him.

[dramatic music]

Gotta get the angle.

- [Diane] Upper cuts.

Upper crust, pizza crust.

[whacking] [both coaching]

- What do we do if he loses?

- I don't know.

Do we run?

- I can't leave him.

- Do we submit to his will?

- Ooh, I don't want to.

[whacking] [dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

- Finish him!

[dramatic music]

- Come on Woody.

[dramatic music] [whacking]

- Yes.

- Yes.

- Yes.

- Yes.

[whacking] [dramatic music]

- [Sam] Do it to him!

Get him!

- Make him bleed!

- Get him!

[whacking] [dramatic music]

- Upper hand, Woody, upper hand!

- Come on, come on buddy, yes.

[whacking] [dramatic music]

Oh.

- Yes, where did he learn that?

- [Sam] I don't know!

- [Diane] Amazing, that's a full twist-around.

Yes, yes, yes!

[dramatic music] [whacking]

Oh God, it's brutal.

[whacking] [dramatic music]

Wipe the floor with him!

- Oh, that's good.

- Right?

[whacking] [dramatic music]

- Oh no!

Enough!

- [Woody] That's right motherfucker!

- Hats off to you.

[Diane chuckles]

Been thinking all day about hat puns.

- I know you are, that's great.

That's really good.

- [Sam] Yeah.

- Yeah.

Oh shit.

- You can't stop us, you know.

Don't try.

- [Woody] I got a trump card up my sleeve.

A secret weapon, if you will

that's gonna send you all back down to Hell.

- Ha, I call your bluff.

How could you defeat me, you're just a paltry hanky.

- We don't just got a hanky, we got hanky panky!

Now kiss each other you fucking soulmates!

- What?

- A little on the spot, but it's fine, it's fine.

- What does that even mean?

- Yeah, just.

How about you go, you go that way and I'll go this way?

- Sure.

- Yep.

[dramatic music]

- What?

- [Woody] Now touch tongues.

- Impossible!

[dramatic music]

No!

No!

No, this is bullshit!

- That's what I'm talking about.

Yeah, I know.

- Thank you.

- I've been known.

I mean, not known.

- That's okay.

- That's not.

- [Sam] Didn't read it that way.

- [Diane] Great, fantastic.

- Wow.

- Yeah.

- That worked.

- That was great.

Oh yeah, that worked, that was fantastic.

- Yeah, no, but also the kiss.

- That worked too, right?

- Yeah.

- Okay, good.

Just wanted to.

[dramatic music]

So.

Right.

- Yes.

- Right.

What do we do with this?

[dramatic music]

Wow, that was...

- Intense. - That was weird.

- Weird.

- Right?

Whole thing was just, what?

- Whole thing, weird.

- Really weird.

- Every tiny detail.

But you know what?

I think I really did some good

for Cliff and Carla's marriage.

- I think so too.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

You really have a gift.

- Oh, thank you.

- Yeah.

- I think so, too.

- Weird that they never came back.

- They always dip outta parties early.

- Oh yeah?

- Yeah, that's their thing.

- [Sam] Their car still is here though, so.

- Hmm.

[Diane sighs]

So are you ready to go back to civilization?

- In a minute.

This is nice.

- [Woody] Yep, yep, yep.

It's sort of like I'm always saying,

you know, my motto, you know?

Sometimes if you want to get clean,

you gotta get real fucking dirty first.

- That doesn't make any sense.

- [Woody] Tell you what, maybe next time,

you guys can defeat the evil hat and make up the motto.

Come up with all the one liners yourself and--

- Yeah okay.

- Alright.

- Okay.

- [Woody] And I will drink cocoa and take mushrooms

and make out with each other.

- He's kind of a martyr.

- We said thank you so many times.

- Yeah, we said so many times.

- [Woody] All right, it doesn't make sense.

But sometimes, Sam,

the best things in life make no fucking sense.

- That is true.

- So true.

- [Woody] There we go.

- Hit it on the head, Woody.

- [Woody] Thanks.

- [Diane] Hi there, yeah.

[dramatic music]