Original subtitles

- Okay, see this radish? That's going to be Mars.

That's earth's next-door neighbor here.

- Hey, Debra, I got to use your dryer.

Ours is out of whack,

and I got a handball game in two hours.

- Yeah, but, frank, I have a whole--

- I can't tell whether Marie washed these

or if they're still damp from Tuesday's game.

Okay, I'm sorry, honey.

Now, where were we?

- Debra, look, do me a favor.

I'm calling channel 11.

Ask the lady which "twilight zone" is on tonight.

- Oh, Robert, no. Why don't you ask her that?

Come on. - She knows my voice.

- I can't--

yeah, hello, hello?

Uh, yeah.

Can you tell me which episode of, uh--

- "twilight zone."

- "Twilight zone" is on tonight, please?

Yeah.

Okay. Thank you.

Lady picks up a hitchhiker who turns out to be death.

- Ah, that's a great one.

You know, you would think death is a big guy,

but he's a little guy.

Genius.

- My shorts are riding along

with some of your fine washables.

- Debra, these potatoes are great.

- Robert, those are for company tonight.

Come on. Ray!

- Hey, what's going on? - How you doin'?

- Your brother came over to find out what episode

of "twilight zone" is on tonight.

- Oh, which one? - "Death, the hitchhiker."

- Little guy? - Yeah.

- Good one. - Mm-hmm.

- Little guy.

Dad, what are you doing here?

- He's waiting for his shorts to dry.

Where's my pot roast?

- Oh, well, that's over at my house.

- What? What's it doing over there?

- Oh, when I smelled it earlier, it definitely needed some work.

- What? - See, I drained it.

And now I'm readjusting the spices.

- What, you got it up on the lift over there, ma?

- Marie, I made that roast for company tonight.

- But listen, call me later this afternoon.

I'll let you know how it's going.

- You don't need to go into my refrigerator--

- No, I think it's time we should--

maybe we should leave.

Follow me. - Hey, what about my shorts?

- Dad, nobody's going to touch 'em, all right?

- Well, I'm just trying to help.

- Help me now, please. - Okay, okay.

- Robert, please. Come on.

- Bread?

- Yeah, yeah, you can have it.

- Ray, am I a bad person?

- No. No.

- Because I am having some bad thoughts.

- Well, they'll do that to you.

- My god, I just can't take any more.

Let's just move, huh?

- Believe me, I would love to, okay?

We can't right now.

- Well, when can we?

- Five seconds after we can afford it.

- I-I would never have thought that I would miss

our little apartment in queens.

- Come on, that apartment was tiny and cramped and noisy.

- Yeah, and your parents would only visit every other month.

- I loved that place. - I know.

Remember, we just had that little kitchenette?

- Yeah, remember the cozy little bedroom?

- Yeah, and we had that cute little love seat.

- Yeah, yeah.

Oh--

Why did we ever leave?

- Hmm.

- You all done, ally?

Mommy will help you, okay?

Oh, that looks nummy.

Yeah--mmm!

- Found it!

Ha, ha.

Come on, it's my last year.

Yeah, grab me the ice cream, will you?

- Ice cream.

- Yep.

- We only got three more.

- That's all right. I don't need a bowl.

- We could just tie it around your neck

and keep your hands free for cookies.

- Okay.

So, hey.

Tomorrow's the big sonogram.

Going to know everything.

- No, no. I told you.

I don't want to know what's in there

besides the ice cream.

- Okay, fine, I won't tell you,

but I want to know this time.

- My mother said you're having a boy, okay?

You're carrying low, and your nose is bulbous.

- You should be happy

no matter what we have, ray, okay?

You shouldn't be rooting for a boy.

- I'm not rooting. - Oh.

- I'm--we have a girl,

which is the greatest gift in the world.

To want another one would be greedy.

Yep.

Yep, you're such a philanthropist, ray.

- That's me.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hi, Robert. How are you?

- Uh, do you mind if I hang around here for a while?

- Oh, sure. You're always welcome here.

- I tell you, Raymond, you got it all:

A kid, one on the way,

love.

- Oh, boy.

You and joanne fighting again?

- "Again" implies we stop.

Know why she yelled at me today?

I was playing ping-pong during lunch.

- What? - What's wrong with that?

- I had fun without her.

- You know, you two have to talk this stuff out.

- I try. I'm very big on communication.

I can talk a guy off a bridge,

but when it comes to my wife--

- All right, it's bad. It's bad; It's bad.

Okay, Robert, it's bad.

- All right. No, no.

All right, I'm not going to let it drag me down.

If she doesn't want me, I'm sure there are

plenty other women out there who...

Might.

- Listen, I'm sure it's all going to work out.

- Yeah, well, I hope so for her sake.

She could end up a divorced 40-year-old

living in her parents' basement.

Huh!

- Here, oh, come on, there you go.

You eat your potatoes.

Mmm, see how good they are?

Come on, these are yummy.

Watch. Watch me.

Mmm. See?

- Good?

- Yeah, they're good. They're yummy.

Come on, you like potatoes.

And look, you haven't even touched your corn, come on.

- Hi.

- Hi, daddy.

- How did it go?

And please don't give up too much information.

How'd the sonogram go?

- Ray, you are not going to believe--

- no, no, tut-tut-tut-tut!

You-you're giving it away right there!

- I didn't even say anything.

- You had that "it's a girl" look on your face.

- Did not.

- See, now you're telling me that it's a boy now.

- Stop yelling! You're making me hungry!

- I'll stop yelling if you stop telling me

what the baby is.

Just tell me is it healthy?

- Yes. - That's enough.

- And-- - bup-bup-buh!

- Fine. Okay.

You'll find out in four months.

- Thank you.

So you're--you're thinking of names now?

- Yeah, a little.

- Are you thinking of names like Geoffrey?

- Do you want to know, or not?

- No. No.

No.

Unless you can't rest until I know.

- Okay, come here, ray, come on.

Just-- just come here.

- Should I?

- Yes, come on. Sit down.

- You know already, right?

- Just--

look at this, okay?

- I don't know what the hell I'm looking at.

- Okay, let me show you your handiwork.

There's a leg.

- Right.

- That's another leg.

- Uh-huh.

- And, uh--oh!

What's that in between?

- Is that an arm? - It's not an arm.

- You're damn right it's not an arm!

I knew it!

I knew it was a boy!

Oh, you did it, bulbous.

Oh, this is unbelievable!

A girl would've been great too,

but it's a boy!

Ha, ha, ha!

- Wait, wait, wait. Come here, come here.

I got to tell you something else.

- I'm dizzy.

- Come here. Look.

Come here. Okay.

There's his little...Something.

- Uh-huh. Ooh, look at it!

- Cute, right?

And then...

There....is another little something.

- What does that mean?

- Ray, it's-- it's twins, ray.

- What?

- Two boys.

- What, right now?

- Mm-hmm.

- In here? - Yeah.

Are you happy?

Yeah.

- This is unbelievable.

This is-- it's fantastic.

I--somebody has to show me

how to do a cartwheel right now.

- Don't look at me.

- But how does that happen?

Twins don't run in our family.

I'll bet it's 'cause I switched to boxers, huh?

Oh, did I kiss you already?

- Yeah, but you can-- - mmm.

Oh, show me again.

- See?

There's a little something-- - uh-huh.

- And there's another little something.

- Am I a man, or what?

Uh! Oh!

In school, they used to play keep-away with my hat.

Look at me now!

- You showed 'em, baby!

- Huh? Huh, oh.

You know, when you showed me two somethings,

twins didn't pop into my head.

For a second, I thought my son was going to make a living

winning bar bets.

Oh, this is great!

- Oh, honey, this is so wonderful!

I've never seen you this way.

- Well, you've never given me twin sons before.

Oh, this the greatest. It's the greatest!

Everything I've ever wanted.

It's like I'm never going to worry about anything ever again.

Oh, no.

- What? What are you talking about?

You just got everything you ever wanted.

- Yeah, but where are we going to put it?

- Here's a two-bedroom apartment in elmont.

- Elmont? No.

Take a look.

Here's the tri-state area.

Now, here's where my mom and dad live,

so anything within this circle

is too close to my parents' house.

- Ray, would you put that away?

They're going to be here any minute!

- You're not listening.

If my mom can cook sauce

and get it to our house before it's cold,

she's going to be over every day.

Uh-uh.

We'll call this "the hot zone."

- I like her sauce.

- Let me finish, please.

Now, anything within this zone

is going to be about a once-a-week visit, okay?

Now, here, farthest away--

best zone, right? Wrong!

'Cause if we move here and they visit,

they become overnight guests.

Okay, so the middle zone is our target area.

It's too close for an overnight,

too far for sauce.

- Well, speak for yourself, ray,

'cause I have no problem with your parents.

Take it down, okay? Put it away.

Hi! - Hi!

Oh-- - oh--

so good to see you.

Come on in!

Frank, hi! Oh.

- Hi, sweetheart. How are you?

- Come on in.

- I brought you some whole milk.

Ally needs more calcium now that she's walking.

- Oh, that is so sweet. Thank you so much.

Hey!

- Hi, sweetheart! Ooh--

- ooh, there's ally.

Let me get a few whiffs from the fountain of youth.

There it is.

I'm sucking in the youth. There's the magic!

- Dad, dad, you're slobbering. Stop.

- Oh, come on, leave him alone.

He's cute. Yeah.

- Get the door, cutie.

- Hey, everybody.

- Hey, Robert.

- Where's joanne?

- Not coming. We had a fight.

- What's the matter? She catch you smiling?

- We're glad you're here, Robert,

'cause we have some news.

- Hey, let me tell 'em. Let me tell 'em.

- What, what is it? - Sit down, sit down.

Debra went for her sonogram today.

- Ooh! Really?

- What are we having?

- Take a guess.

- Well, you already have a girl,

so with Raymond's luck, I'm guessing...

A boy?

- No.

- A girl?

You're having another girl?

You're going to have two girls.

- Uh--it's, uh--

it's twin boys.

- Oh, my god!

- Two sons! It's a dynasty!

- Well... Look at Raymond go.

- It's incredible. Isn't it incredible?

- Oh, incredible. Oh, honey.

How are you? How do you feel?

You hungry?

You want me to make you something?

- No, no, I'm okay.

- 'Cause you should eat whatever you want.

- Oh, she is, believe me.

She is, yeah.

- 'Cause if a pregnant woman craves something

and doesn't get it,

the baby's born with a birthmark

shaped just like that food.

- That's why ray has a big cannoli

on his ass.

I'll bring you over a meatloaf tomorrow.

- Oh, I would love that, Marie,

but, you know, ray and I are going to go look

at some bigger apartments tomorrow.

- Hey, hey, what's that, you're moving?

- Why don't you use your father?

He still has his broker's license.

- Yeah, I got a little house

that'd be just perfect for you.

- A house? - Sure, a house.

Picket fence, twin boys--

what a pretty picture.

- I got a little exclusive that fell right into my lap.

- Yeah, dad, you know, we're not looking for houses.

- Well, why not?

- We can't afford it.

- What afford?

No money down, no points,

balloon at the end.

Siegfried and Roy will be out of school

before you make your first payment.

- Where is it?

- It's in a great neighborhood out on the island.

- Siegfried and Roy?

- It's a great place to raise kids.

- Oh, my god, ray, we should look at it.

- Yeah, good schools, easy commute.

- I guess it wouldn't hurt to take a look at it.

- That's wonderful!

And you'll never find better neighbors,

I mean, than the couple that live across the street.

- Uh, who are they?

You're kidding.

- No.

- Yeah--

- How about that yard?

- Oh, it's nice. Really big, frank.

- Nothing more important in a kid's life

than a big backyard.

Pitch a tent, Bury a cat--

remember whiskers?

- Yeah, dad.

- Still in our yard

if you want to pay your respects.

- It's really a great house, frank.

- Yeah, and we're right across the street.

You know the three rules of real estate--

location, location, location!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, great location.

You know, why don't I just talk to Debra

for a minute or two?

- Okay, okay, you go ahead.

I'll just go upstairs and turn the lights off

before we lock up.

Help yourself to coffee and donuts.

They're complimentary.

- You know, we--

we might not have to move, really.

- Wha--

we need a bigger place, ray.

We're having twins.

- Well, how big a place do they need?

Look where they live now.

- Can I ask you something?

When are you going to get over your parents?

- Debra, you don't understand what they're like.

They're going to get you too.

- I know what they're like, ray.

They're very nice people.

- No!

You only see them every other month.

It's not the same.

- You know, you're overreacting.

Completely overreacting.

- Close your eyes for a second.

- Why? - Just close your eyes.

I want to show you something.

Boink! - What are you doing?

- See? Okay, that's my mom and dad right there.

They're just a little annoying.

Now, if I don't--

if I don't do that for another two months--

hey, that's not too bad,

I could almost live with that.

We move across the street from them--

how does this feel?

Boink! Boink! Boink! - Oh, ray!

- Boink! Boink! Boink!

You see?

They get you.

- Look, first of all, your parents are not this, okay?

Secondly,

they're not going to be over every day.

- Oh, you poor, blind, fat lady.

This is not the house for us; That's all.

We have to keep looking.

- I don't want to keep looking.

- Why? Why?

We can find something else just like this.

- But this house is right by your parents!

- Oh, my god.

Oh, my god, do you hear what you're saying?

It's the hormones. That's--that's--

tell me it's the hormones.

You got twice the hormones going now.

You don't know what you're saying.

- Ray, in four months,

we're going to have three kids, okay?

I'm going to need all the help I can get.

Who better to help us than your parents?

- The devil.

- Do you remember how much work it was

when ally was born?

And, you know, no offense,

but you were...

You.

- All right, I'll quit softball.

- You don't get it, ray.

Your parents living across the street

is the big selling point here.

Listen.

You know, I-I know that you don't see it now,

but in time, you will come to realize

what a blessing it is to have your family so close.

Come on, ray.

Our two boys, huh?

Don't we want to give them everything?

Let's give 'em grandma and grandpa, too, huh?

- Hmm-- - oh, thank you!

Oh, I love you, ray. Thank you so much.

Oh, my god! We bought a house!

Hey, guess what. We're taking it!

- Ah, that's great! That's great!

You won't be sorry.

I tell you something else I just learned about this house.

That plumbing can take a punch.

- Oh, my god.

What did I do? What did I do?

- Pretty stupid, huh? - Oh, I'll say.

You know, this was all your fault.

- Me?

- Ray, what did I know? I was carrying twins.

I had no blood in my brain.

- Hey, my shorts dry yet?

- Listen, sweetie, the pot roast--

I did all I could.

It didn't make it.

But I brought you some ziti for your company.

You can tell 'em that you made it.

- Where do you want it, ma?

- Right in there, sweetie, just move things around.

- All right, good. - Okay.

Oh, these potatoes are no good.

- What do you mean? We love these potatoes.

Look at this. There's a potato for the boy.

- No, no, no, no, don't give him that.

I'll make him some good potatoes.