All language subtitles for Everybody.Loves.Raymond.S01E01.WEBRip.x265

- No, Ray's still out of town
covering the Yankees.

Yeah, I know.

He's been gone
for four days,

and he's 16 minutes late.

- Hey!
- Daddy! Daddy!

- Grab that, ray.

- Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

- All right--
- no, ally, get off there.

Get down.
Get down.

- Mo.
- Matthew wants mo.

- Oh, okay, Matthew--

- and we got
a cleanup, aisle two.

- All right, here you go.

[Phone rings]

- I'll get it.
- Ow!

- Dinnertime.

- Gregory's done.

And Matthew's done.

And ally's done.

- Aaahh!

[Kids crying]

- Okay...

Cookie, cookie,

and...cookie.

[All stop crying]

[Sighs]

Hi, honey.

- Hi.

- Hi, I'm ray.

I live here in long island

with my wife, Debra,

my five-year-old daughter,

and twin
almost-two-year-old boys.

My parents live
across the street.

That's right.

The truth is,
I'd do anything for my family.

And...done.

Oh, no.

Unh!
Debra!

Honey!

Somebody!
Call my father!

I'm hyperventilating!

- Oh, honey,

I don't know how I survived
four days by myself.

- I know.
I know.

Hey, nobody hates

going on the road
more than me.

It's miserable
for me out there.

Hey, look at this.
Cal ripken signed my hat.

- Oh, that's great.
Look at this.

Gregory spit up
on my shirt.

- I'm not trading.

- Okay.

Just be happy you made it
home for my birthday.

That's all I can say.
- Well, what?

Of course I made it home
for your birthday.

Are you kidding?
Your birthday is...

- Sunday.
- Sunday.

That's right.
Big party.

- And how old am I
going to be?

- I know that.

- Ray...how old?

- All right, all right,
I just have to backtrack.

Let's see,
when I proposed, you were 23.

- Mm-hmm.
- You said no.

- Right.

Then I proposed.
You were 24.

- No again.
- No again.

Right.

Then I took a year off
to regroup.

- Yup.

- Then I came back
with a job.

Boom!
Married.

That would make you...
32...

Ish.

- All right,
I'll accept that.

- Good, 'cause...
Big party.

- No, you know what?
I don't want the party.

I just want
a nice day at home

with my favorite husband
and my kids, okay?

- Okay, and I guess my parents
and my brother too, right?

My parents
and my brother?

What?

- Ray,
it's just that--

look, you know
I love them.

They're my family too.

But I was wondering
if perhaps

we wouldn't have
them over on Sunday.

- Well, why not?

- Well, it's just,
you know, honey,

every day that you were gone,
they dropped by.

And then your dad is always
waking up the kids.

And now they don't
even call first.

- Well, they live
across the street.

Why should they call?
It's quicker just to come by.

- I know.

- It's like
we're on the way.

- No, no, no,
we are the way.

We are where
they're going.

- You see, now you're
exaggerating a little.

- You're home.

- Hi, mom.

- Hi, I saw your car
pull up before.

You didn't call.

- Oh...

- Hi, Debra,

I brought you some baking soda
for your fridge.

I smelled something
questionable.

- From across
the street?

- No, when I was here
yesterday.

- Okay.

- Ooh, it's worse!

- Oh, now, that's just--

- okay, all right,
okay, all right.

Ma, listen, ma,
we can buy our own baking soda.

- I know, sweetie,
but you don't.

Ooh, what have we here?

Oh, I'll get you
some club soda for that too.

- No, ma,
we have club soda, ma.

- No, your father
finished it.

I'll see you later.

- Oh, it comes
from love.

Look, if you want, maybe
I'll talk to my father about it.

- Well, while
you're talking to him,

would you mind mentioning
the answering machine?

- Is he playing back
the messages again?

I changed the code.

- Well, he cracked it.

- I hope everyone's
doing good.

And, Debra, you ought to call
Linda back.

She sounds like she had

a very interesting visit
to the gyno.

[Machine beeps]

- That's funny.
That's--

you know, it's not
for everybody, okay?

Look, he's fooling around.

That's what he does.

He's like
one of those guys,

what do you
call them?

An idiot.

- But do they have to bring
your brother over?

- My brother
lives with them.

He doesn't like
staying alone.

- He's 40, ray.

- Come on,
he loves the kids.

- It's just, like--
the way Robert eats,

you know, the way
he has to touch every bite

to his chin
before he puts it in his mouth.

That's--
it's weird.

- What?
That's an idiosyncrasy.

It's like when he's counting
and he gets to the number 12

and he has to take
his shoes off.

Everybody has those.

- How'd he ever become
a police sergeant?

- 'Cause he's a good cop,

and they didn't
make him count...

Or eat.

- I don't know, ray,
it's just that it's--

you know, every day,

and between them
and the kids, I just feel--

- lucky?
- Ray--

- all right.
Look, all right.

I'm home now.
Maybe you need a break.

I'll tell you,
why don't you go out

with Linda
tomorrow night?

- What, and leave the kids
with your parents?

- No, I'll do the kids.

- Oh--
[blows raspberry]

- Oh, I can't do that?

Oh, hey,
how about the time

you went to your aunt's
for three days?

- I took the kids with me.

- Yeah, but I fed myself.

- Hey, ray!

Ray!
- Come on, keep it down, Leo.

I just
got them to sleep.

- I'm sorry.

Hey, want to go over to Nemo's,
get a slice?

- Leo, my kids
aren't fish, okay?

You can't just sprinkle food
over the crib and leave.

- Call your mother.

- No, I can't;
Debra's got this thing

about them coming over
too much lately.

- I got the club soda.

Hi, Leo, hi.

- Hey, Ms. B.
- How you doing?

- Ms. B, would you mind
maybe sitting with the kids

for a little bit
while Raymond and I

went out
and got some pizza?

- No, no.
- No, not at all.

But where's Debra?

- She went to the movies
with Linda.

- The movies?
- Yes.

- Some people
get to live it up.

Go ahead.
You guys, go ahead.

Go, get your pizza.
You deserve it.

- You rock, Mrs. B.

- [Muttering]

- Come on, let's go.

- No, no.

No, no.
Listen.

Debra doesn't want me
to leave them with...

Out me.

- You're leaving them
with me.

They're sleeping.

Go on.
Go with your friend.

- Well, I want to,
but I can't.

- We know, you're worried.
You're concerned.

We're all crying buckets here.
Come on, let's go.

- All right, it's 8:30.
One hour.

We'll be gone one hour.

- Would you go?
Come on, you're insulting me.

I raised you, didn't I?

- Oh, god,
you raised me--

- Hey!
- Ooh, frank, Robbie!

You scared me.

- You don't leave a note?
You just leave?

We're looking
all over for you.

- Where'd you look?

- We thought
we'd start here.

- Where are the kids?

- Oh, no,
they're sleeping.

- Hey, I just want to see them.
Come on, it's early.

I just want to see the kids.
They can sleep when we go.

- No, no, no.

You want to see
something, huh?

A $120 receipt
from Victoria's secrets.

- Holy crap!

What the hell's
a "bustier"?

- It's a thing, you know,
to pull you in here.

- When did he get this?

- Oh, that's an award
your brother got

for his sports column.

- It never ends
for Raymond.

- Oh, poor Robbie.

- Everybody loves Raymond.

I go to work,
people shoot at me.

Ray goes to work,
people do the wave.

Then he sits down,
has a hot dog,

doodles
on a piece of paper,

and they give him
a trophy.

- To tell you the truth,

I think that Raymond is wasting
his life writing sports.

I mean, a writer should be
writing short stories

and poetry.

- Do you think
I'm wasting my life?

- Well...it's different
with you, dear.

- Look who's up.
- [Wailing]

- Ooh, look at that.

[Ally yelling,
banging pot]

- Oh, no, no, no--
- hi, daddy.

- Hey, ray, do you want
to watch the game?

- No, no, what are you doing,
everybody?

Debra's going to be--

okay, all right,
I'm going to ask you,

quickly and quietly,
move to your nearest exits.

- It's the fourth quarter.

- Dad, please,
buckle up and go.

- You know, when somebody
does you a favor,

you're supposed
to say "thank you."

- Thank you, thank you,
mom and dad.

You're wonderful
grandparents.

You're not evil at all.

- Let me just smell
their heads once more.

- Dad, please,
please, dad--

- mmm, it's the fountain
of youth.

I'm sucking in
that youth.

- I'm begging you, dad.

I'm begging you,
let go of their heads.

Let go of their heads.
I'll give you money.

Do you want money?
- Hey, save your money.

You're going to need it.

Victoria's not
a secret anymore.

- What?
What?

- We'll see you Sunday
at Debra's party.

- Okay.
Thanks again.

Thanks again, ma.

- Nice trophy.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey, I was just
checking the kids.

- Oh, great.

- Still sleeping
like logs.

- Oh.

Oh, my gosh.
Look at this place.

- What?

- It's spotless!

You cleaned up
for me.

- Well,
you're not the maid.

- Oh, ray,
oh, you are so wonderful.

Hey, listen,
I'm just going

to look at the kids
real quick, okay?

- Okay.

I think
I'm having sex.

Oh...

Good old sex.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm going
to do new stuff.

Hi, honey.

- Uh, ray...

- What?

- Why do the boys' heads
smell like old spice?

- What?

- Your father was here

and sucking the youth
out of their heads again, huh?

And your brother
was here too.

Just found this froot loop
on Matthew's chin.

Are you going to tell me
what happened here tonight, ray,

or do I have
to call your parents?

- No, no, no, no, no.

Please, please, no, no,
don't call the parents, no.

Okay, okay.

I put them to sleep.
- Yeah.

- And my mother came over,
and then I went out with Leo.

- What?

You left the kids
with your mom?

- No, my father and brother
were here too.

- Oh, what?

- Then I got rid of them,
and then did some cleaning.

Huh? You noticed
the cleaning down there.

- Okay, why did they
have to be here?

What was so important
that you had to go out for?

- Pizza.

- Pizza?
Pizza?

- Did you see the mess?
You should've seen it.

They woke the kids up.

- What?
Ray!

- Oh, the pizza
wasn't even good.

- You told me
that you were going to stay

and watch the kids.

- I know.
I know, but--

- but what?
But what, ray?

- I don't know.

- I'll tell you one thing.

Your folks are not
coming over on Sunday.

That is my birthday,
and I should be allowed

one day of peace
without them.

And you know what?

I want you to call them

and tell them that
that's what we want,

because they need
to get the message

that we have
our own lives,

and we're entitled
to a little privacy.

- You're right.
You're right.

You're absolutely right.
- So you'll tell them?

- I can't do that.

- What is this hold
they have on you?

I'm just asking you for me.

Please, can we celebrate
my birthday alone?

- I can't uninvite them.

- You can't?

Well, then,
maybe I won't be here.

- No, stop it.
Don't!

Don't sleep
on the couch!

I just cleaned down there!

[Knock on door]

- Oh, Raymond!
- Hi.

- Come in, honey.

Your brother's working,
and your father's out

buying one of those balls
for your toilet.

So I got the whole house
to myself.

Is that my large fork?

- Yeah, yeah, it is.
It is.

That's why I came by here.
I wanted to return this.

- Oh, well, I didn't
want to say anything,

but that happens
to be a very good fork.

You know?
- I know.

That's why it took so long.
I love it.

Listen, ma,
I wanted to talk to you

about Debra's birthday.

- Oh, my god!

Talk about birthdays.

Your birthday gift to me
finally came this morning.

Did you know you sent me
a box of pears

from a place called
fruit of the month?

- That's right.
That's right.

How are they?

- Oh, they're very nice pears,

but there's
so many of them.

There are
over a dozen pears.

What am I supposed to do
with all those pears?

- I think you're supposed
to eat them, ma.

- Myself?
- You.

You and dad
and Robert.

- How many pears
can Robert eat?

Look, I appreciate
the thought, Raymond,

but, please,
don't ever send us

any more fruit again, okay?

Thanks.
Thanks, darling.

- Well, another box
is coming next month.

- What?

More pears?

- No.

No, it's a different fruit
every month.

- Every month?
- Yes, yes!

That's why they call it
"fruit of the month club."

- It's a club?
Oh, my god.

What am I going to do
with all this fruit?

- Well, most people
like it, ma.

You share it.
Share it with all your friends.

- Which friends?

- I don't know.
Lee and Stan.

- Lee and Stan
buy their own fruit.

- Then give it away--

- why did you do this to me?
- Oh, my god.

- I can't talk.

There's too much fruit
in the house!

- Oh, what is happening?

I'm--I'm sorry, ma.

- Hey, Marie.

Oh, ray!

- Do you know that the fruit
keeps coming

month after month?

He's got us
in some kind of a cult.

- It's not a cult, ma.
It's a club.

- What do you mean
month after month?

For how long?

- It's a year.

- My god, are you
out of your mind?

- Oh, all right,
I'm so sorry, dad.

- What do you think we are,
invalids?

We can't go out
and get our own fruit?

- I tried to tell him.

- All right, I'm canceling
the fruit club.

- Oh, good.

Thank you, Raymond.
Thank you.

And don't do that again.

- Like we don't have
enough problems.

- All right, okay, listen,
I got to talk about the party.

- Ooh, the party.

- Yes, yes, yes, listen,
I was thinking--

uh, there isn't
going to be a party.

- Who's dead?

- Nobody's dead, dad.

We're not going to have a party.

- You got to have a party.
I baked.

I've never heard
of such a thing.

- We're not having a party
because I'm surprising Debra.

I'm taking her to...

Bear mountain.

- Bear mountain?
- Yeah, that's right.

I want to do something special
for her.

This is a surprise,
all right?

So you can't go
telling her anything.

All right?
So thank you very much.

- Okay, wait.
Wait just one minute now.

Here.
Wait.

It's a long trip
to bear mountain.

Take fruit.

- Okay, thanks.

Hey.
- Hey.

Raymond gets
the pears too?

- They all went down
for a nap.

Whoo!

Puts this over the top

as the best birthday
I have ever had.

- No, hey, hey,
what are you doing?

- Just letting in the light.

- It's still your birthday,
though.

We want to have
a nice, cozy birthday.

Huh?
Isn't that cozy?

- [Laughs]

I know what you're up to.

- You do?
- Yeah, come here.

- Oh, yeah,
this is what I'm up to.

Yeah.

I thought this only happened
on my birthday.

- Oh, ray, I'm so glad you set
your parents straight, huh?

Doesn't it feel good
to be honest with them?

- It does.
It does feel good.

Not as good as this,
though.

You were 100% right.

I don't know
what I was afraid of.

- Yeah.

- Ohh!
- Aah!

What are you doing here?

- What are you doing here?

- We live here.

- We thought you were
on bear mountain.

- Bear mountain?
Who told you that?

Both:
Raymond.

- You want to holster
the weapon, bro?

- Well?

- Okay, I lied.
I lied.

I lied to everybody.

I was trying to make
everybody happy.

- Nice job.

- Oh, I should've known better.

Why did--especially
with my parents,

the only people
who treat a box of fruit

like it's plutonium.

I chickened out.

I made a mistake.
I chickened out.

All right,

look, the truth is,

Debra wanted us to have
a day to ourselves.

And me too,
me too.

But Debra's the one.

She's got--

no, she's got it
very hard around here.

Though she's never
said that to me.

I've noticed it.

Like dad.

I know you try
to be funny, but--

like with the twins.

Maybe you
shouldn't say,

"I think little Matthew
has homosexual tendencies."

And, ma, you can't be
so critical.

If you're going
to be critical,

could you please call before
you come over here, really,

so we could
be ready for it?

Both of you,
could you both call?

We have to prepare.

There's bills
and receipts we hide.

And then
we chant a little.

Now, listen, we--
we love you both,

but this is our house,
and Debra's my wife,

and if you can't accept
what I'm telling you...

Well...

Then you can't
come over here anymore.

Unless you call first.

That's it.
I think I did it all, right?

- What? This has
nothing to do with me.

- Oh, yeah, Robert,

could you try not to eat
near the kids?

- If you just wanted
the day to yourselves,

all you had to do
was say so.

We'd understand.

- Of course
we'd understand.

What's not
to understand?

When did he get
so sensitive?

- He's a writer.

- Happy birthday.

- I'm shaking.

- Oh, honey, you were great.
You were just great, yeah.

Oh, come here.

Come here.

- Hey, maybe you should
put on that bustier.

- What are you doing?

- Okay, we'll try again
on my birthday.