Original subtitles

[clattering]

Downloaded from YTS.MX

[splash]

[crunch]

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[eerie music]

[chord]

[low rumbling]

[clicking]

[clicking footsteps]

[whoosh]

[accelerated whirring]

[clicking]

[shuffling footsteps]

[clicking]

[light rock music]

[cosmic hum]

[shuffling footsteps]

[clicking]

[shuffling footsteps]

[clicking]

[clang]

[emergency horn blaring]

[shuffling footsteps]

[clicking]

[rattling]

[crash]

[clicking]

[horn]

[emergency blaring stops]

[clicking]

[cosmic bubbling]

[engines whirring]

[skid]

[clicking]

[shuffling footsteps]

[clicking]

[shuffling footsteps]

[clicking]

[shuffling footsteps]

[clicking]

[shuffling footsteps]

[clicking]

[whirring]

[clicking]

[shuffling footsteps]

[clicking]

[shuffling footsteps]

[clicking]

[shuffling footsteps]

[scissors cutting]

[wind gently blowing]

[clicking]

[adventurous music]

[rattling]

[shuffling footsteps]

[clicking]

[shuffling footsteps]

[whoosh]

[clicking]

Hey, Chad, I finished hosing all the vomit out of the shower.

And-- dude, did you let crabs back here?

Your face has crabs.

[chuckles] (SOFTLY) Nice.

No, you idiot.

There's crabs in the backyard right now.

Whoa, you're not kidding.

[clicking]

Dude, they're lighter than they look.

[chuckles] It's like they're trying

to talk to us or something.

What should we do with these things, eat 'em?

I don't know, man.

Never cooked a crab before.

Oh, hey, I've got an idea.

Give them some of your beer.

No way, man, this is my beer.

You give them a beer.

Dude, if I'm giving them something,

I'm giving them something way stronger than beer.

[clicking]

[clinking on glass]

Dude, do you think this is a good idea?

[poof]

[FRENETIC ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC]

[poof]

[FRENETIC ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC]

[blaring horn]

[whoosh]

[metallic slice]

[splat]

Dude, what the hell?

[whoosh]

[metallic slice]

[splat]

Oh, dude, you bled on me.

[splat]

Stop it, bro.

[spits]

[splat]

You stop it.

Fuck you, man.

Fuck you back.

[crunch]

Dude, are you kidding me?

[crunch]

Oh, my favorite finger.

[energetic rock music]

[blower whirring]

[pops]

[shuffling footsteps]

[suspenseful music]

(ON RADIO) Salutations to you all.

This is DJ Cow Spank.

[smack]

[moo]

I don't know how your day has been so far,

but I'm having a dandy old time pumping out tunes

for y'all to enjoy.

Later on, I'll be playing some heavier stuff for you

all to rage to.

But for now, let's dabble with something

a little on the lighter side.

[heavy metal rock music]

[click]

[music stops]

Now, you're sure this is the place?

Six weeks of investigation, eight stoolies, a dozen

eyewitnesses, and a drug trail so

thick I could bounce a roll of quarters off it.

He's in there.

Whatever you say, Bobo.

[laughing]

That's Detective Bobo, you flat-footed son of a--

Freeze.

All right, which one of you here is the cocaine king?

You think arresting me is going to do any good?

You fools.

You can't stop cocaine.

Cocaine is the world.

Cocaine is life.

[evil laugh]

Well, it can certainly get you that if the judge

is in a bad mood.

You haven't seen the last of me.

Heretic, non-believer.

Well, I'll be sure and tell the meth queen you said hi.

Oh, man, fuck that bitch.

She still owes me 2 kilos.

Hey, man you like doughnuts?

I got some leftovers from this morning's meeting.

I sure do.

Cool.

What's your favorite kind?

I'm a powdered sugar fan, myself.

You're in luck.

See, if you had a job and worked for a living,

you'd get first pick.

But you don't, so you get the leftovers.

[clatter]

What the hell, man?

Bootstraps, pal, bootstraps.

[ominous music]

[scoffs] What is this, a crab rave?

[vacuum whirring]

[shuffling footsteps]

[pshht]

[pop]

[energetic music]

[concrete scrape]

[shuffling footsteps]

[splat]

[screams]

[shuffling footsteps]

[splat]

[yells]

[thud]

[chord]

[shuffling footsteps]

You found them exactly like this?

Yeah, man.

I didn't do nothing but cover them up.

All right, what do we got?

Two dead.

Both took it in the neck.

Were you in the house when this happened?

No, I was out with my lady all day.

She wanted sushi, which is great.

But now I'm going to have sushi burps all day.

Mr.--

No "Mister" here, dude.

Just call me Tad.

Tad, do you have any pruning clippers here in the house?

Pruning?

No, we barely do dishes around here.

Did your roommates get along?

Oh, totally, although Brad did owe Chad $5.

They didn't do this to each other.

That guy got it first, right in the main artery.

There's no way he'd have the strength

to retaliate, no matter how much coke might be in his system.

Cocaine?

I swear it's not mine.

Are you telling me you didn't see the dime bag and the razor

blade over on the ground next to the table?

Of course, I did.

Four whole months for that badge, and that's

the best you can do?

Tell me you can at least get a cat out of a tree.

Well, at least I'm not a complete laughingstock

at the precinct, Bobo.

Here, just because I know how much you blue

shirts love fingering criminals.

[splat]

Dude.

[burps] Eh, sushi burps.

(ON RADIO) Detective Reese, Detective Reese, come in.

Detective Reese?

Detective Reese, are you there?

Please respond.

Reese here.

(ON RADIO) Detective, you're needed at a 187 downtown

on Broadway and Pine.

Dispatch, I'm already at a 1-8-7 on Maple.

Is there anyone else who can take that?

(ON RADIO) Negative.

You are the closest responder.

10-4, on my way.

[suspenseful music]

[shuffling footsteps]

Detective Charlie Reese.

(CHEWING) I'm Steve.

Steve, did you did you call this in?

Sure did.

And how, may I ask, did you phone this in?

Cell phone.

You have a cell phone?

No, but he did.

Where is it now?

I put it back in his pocket where I found it.

His pocket?

Yep.

He's got a wallet in there, too.

No cash in it, though.

I checked.

I'm sure you did.

Steve, were you here when this happened?

Nope, heard it from around the corner.

About how long ago did you find the body?

Oh, about a half hour ago.

OK, I'm just going to ask.

Why did you hang around?

You could have just taken off?

Because I want you guys to know that I didn't do this.

I know how it goes.

You ask everyone in the area what happened.

Someone mentioned seeing me nearby.

You guys come after me and make my life a living hell.

No, thank you.

I'd rather just get it out of the way now.

I believe you.

What?

Here.

Here's $20.

Another officer will be here in 10 minutes.

Wait right here, and tell him everything you told me.

Should I mention I stole his underwear, too?

What?

No.

It's just I've never had silk undies before.

It's like both butt cheeks died and went to Heaven.

Really?

Silk under-- look, just tell him how you found him.

And tell him that detective Reese

says you didn't do it, OK?

Aye-aye, sir.

Ooh, yeah, booty like.

Ooh.

Captain?

Captain.

Captain, I have got to talk to you.

You do realize this is the one time of the day

that I want absolutely no one talking to me.

Yes, I know, and I'm sorry.

But this is important.

It always is.

You know those two dead frat boys?

Well, I just left an alley where someone was

murdered in the same manner.

You think they're related?

All three victims had small body parts removed or severed--

throats, fingers, tendons.

You do realize I'm still eating, right?

Sorry, Captain.

So what?

You think someone's going around with a knife mutilating people?

The wounds don't suggest a knife, sir.

The cut marks are made in two opposite closing directions.

Reese, do not tell me you think someone's going around town

snipping people to death.

That is not what I want to hear right now.

OK, I won't.

Good.

Unfortunately, you're going to like what I'm

about to tell you even less.

Here it comes.

I think animals may have done this.

[sighs] And boom.

Captain, I'm serious.

Oh, I can tell you're serious.

That's what worries me.

Captain, I know this sounds ridiculous.

I know it, too.

But I'm telling you.

Do I even want to know what kind of animal

you think is doing this?

You probably don't.

Just spill it.

Crabs.

[sighs] You realize the entire force

thinks you're a laughing stock because of the clown case,

right?

Did you know they're calling you Bobo behind your back?

All except the ones who say it to my face.

When they catch word of this, things

will only get worse for you.

And they will find out.

They always do.

There's probably one or two of them

with their ear pressed up against the door right now.

They're like little gossip gremlins.

Captain, I would not be doing this

unless I was almost certain of it.

You think a crab--

Or crabs.

[sighs] You think crabs are pinching people to death,

and you want me to take this seriously?

Well, when you put it that way.

Reese, you've got a great record as a detective.

But lately, you've got me wondering about you.

Well, what's it going to take for you to take this seriously?

Well, for starters, get somebody to agree

with you, someone who knows what they're talking about.

I've already put some thought into that.

But we don't have an aquarium or any sort of marine biology

facility here in the city.

Well, you better find a seafood restaurant or something

because right now your story smells fishy.

You like that?

Smells fishy?

I put it in there just for you.

[scoffs]

[dog footsteps]

[typing]

[scoffs]

Look, Larry, I know technically speaking you're my supervisor,

and you're supposed to be the one calling

all the shots around here.

And I'm just the lowly subordinate,

making a fraction of what you do,

even though I'm more qualified than you

for this job on just about every level there is.

But can I ask that next time you move the mail beta

fish that you keep a partition between them?

Because you see, male betas are extremely territorial,

even with betas that aren't even in the same tank.

If they're within eyeshot of each other,

it can cause them undue stress and even shorten their lives.

[birds chirping]

Thanks, Larry.

You're an absolute peach to work with.

No, seriously, I mean it.

Try not to eat any soap on the way back to your chair.

[store bell]

Do you have an Alex Bailey working here?

Alex Bailey?

How did you know my name?

Right, duh.

I'm Detective Charlie Reese, and I need your help.

Why me?

Because I understand you know quite a bit about crustaceans.

OK, that's not on my name tag.

How do you know that?

Manager at the seafood restaurant

says you picketed his place before.

Guilty.

[chuckles] That guy hates me.

Wait, I'm not in trouble for that, am I?

That was like a year ago.

No, I'm here because I need your expertise.

Expertise?

What do you mean?

I need to know that you know your stuff when

it comes to shellfish.

Shellfish?

Well, crustaceans or mollusks?

The kind with strong claws.

Yeah, crustaceans-- crabs, lobsters, shrimp,

crayfish, although not all lobsters

have pinchers or chelae, as they're properly called.

And I wouldn't consider shrimp pinchers

to be strong because they're quite tiny.

But I'm guessing "strong" is a relative term here.

For now, let's just say we're talking about crabs.

Oh, sweet, crabs are my favorite.

Yeah, well, there's over 6,000 different species of crabs.

They're decapod crustaceans that can live in freshwater,

saltwater, or on land.

They have an exoskeleton with the central carapace protecting

their cephalothorax.

OK, you pass.

But what I really need to know is, can one of these things

kill someone?

Kill someone?

I mean, there are poisonous crabs, but they're very rare

and not found anywhere near here.

No, no, I'm not talking about poisonous crabs.

Well, then what kind of crabs are you talking about?

Kind you'd find on a dinner plate.

Metacarcinus magister?

Dungeness crab.

Wait, you want to know if a Dungeness

crab can kill someone?

That's what I'm aiming to find out.

We're talking about a creature that might--

might have the grip strength to break

the finger of a small child.

Trust me, I've been told how ridiculous this sounds.

Is that alcohol?

That's classified.

Say, would you mind coming with me

and sharing your wealth of crab knowledge

with some of my colleagues?

With other police?

I mean, sure, I guess, that is if you

can get my bonehead manager to let me off early.

Leave that to me.

Listen, I'm going to need to take

Miss Bailey in for questioning.

She won't be back in time for you to close tonight.

If you have any questions, contact Police Headquarters,

extension 229.

(LOUDER) If you have any questions,

contact Police Headquarters, 229.

Is he OK?

I've been working with him for over two years now.

No, I don't think he is.

[footsteps]

[chewing]

[shuffling footsteps]

[rustling bag]

[shuffling footsteps]

[pouring water stops]

[ominous music]

[gasps]

[frantic music]

[clattering]

[screaming]

[clattering]

[splat]

[splats]

Ooh.

[thud]

[shuffling footsteps]

[blower whirring]

[heavy metal music on radio]

I can't believe you're a DJ Cow Spank fan.

Oh, DJ Cow Spank is the best.

Is this normal?

DJ Cow Spank playing metal?

That's about as normal as things get.

[music stops]

No, I mean this, getting help from a civilian, like this.

Normal?

No, but I have done it before.

I once got the help of a beekeeper

to clear a field that we suspected

someone was burying bodies in.

Ew.

Did you find any?

Eh, I'd rather not say.

Who does that?

There are a lot more sick people in this world

than most folks realize.

I guess so.

(ON RADIO) Detective Reese, Detective Reese, come in.

Never a dull moment.

Reese here.

(ON RADIO) Detective, you're needed at 4777 Meadow Lane.

Roger that.

On my way.

I take it we're no longer headed to police headquarters?

Correct.

I'm hoping this isn't bad news.

But somehow, I doubt it.

Wait here.

I want to check things out first.

It could be pretty dicey in there.

Here, make yourself a blindfold.

Oh, and lose the name tag.

Well, if it isn't Detective Claw Patrol.

You managed to pinch any culprits lately?

[laughing]

Hey, watch out.

He's getting pretty steamed.

Uh-oh, I'm in hot water now.

[laughing]

All right, you two baby-macing mother--

That's enough.

Well, Captain, what a surprise.

I can only assume you're here to make fun of my "vocrabulary"

or tell me I'm "clawstrophobic."

Perhaps you'd like to borrow my Shell card?

Look, I don't want to hear any more of this crab nonsense out

of you.

Fine.

Then how about you hear it from a professional?

This is Dr. Alex Bailey, local marine biologist

and sea-life expert.

I'm not a doc--

[kick]

Ow.

OK, Dr. Bailey, if a crustaceous animal

were able to kill someone with its claws,

what would that look like on the victim?

OK, well, the animal in question would

have to be much stronger than any crustaceans found anywhere

near this continent.

And the ones that we do know of that can break bone, aside

from being thousands of miles away, are remarkably slow

and easily avoided.

However, if that isn't the case and there

is a crustaceous animal, or animals, around here

that are much stronger than anything we've encountered,

their pinchers would leave marks,

looking like 2- to 3-inch scissor-style cuts

on the victim, likely resembling that of someone who

was attacked with some sort of scissors or pruning tool.

Now, I'd initially think that all of these cuts

wouldn't occur that high on the victim,

say, around the feet or the ankles

or possibly even the calves, as these animals are not

very tall.

But if their legs possess the same enhanced strength

that their pinchers do, it's quite possible

that these creatures are able to jump to great heights

and attack somebody in other areas of the body,

possibly removing fingers or even more vulnerable areas,

such as the neck or the face, severing vital arteries,

or even removing facial features.

What exactly are you trying to pull here, Reese?

There are four people dead, Captain.

I am trying to prevent a fifth.

By blaming crabs or lobsters or any other pinching creatures

you can think of?

Well, Captain, unless you have any better leads,

unlike our latest victim here, I'm all ears.

Captain, the wounds match--

no hair or fingerprints found, no weapons

found, no footprints, no one seen entering or exiting.

Fine, you want to play Dr. Doolittle,

just do it out of my sight, Bobo.

[scoffs] Come on, Alex, let's go.

Reese?

Reese, I'm still blindfolded.

[thud]

Ah.

[dogs barking]

Well, thanks for giving me a ride.

It's the least I could do.

I realize what you were telling them was

a stretch, to say the least.

But are they always this hard on you?

No, this is a recent development with a case a few months back.

A European circus came to town, and one of the clowns

went missing.

[chuckles] Well, I guess that explains "Bobo."

Hardy har-har.

Everyone seemed to think the clown just ran away or possibly

defected.

But none of the evidence or testimony pointed that way.

I know somewhere out there, there's a field or a creek

or a storm drain with a very colorful victim lying in it.

I just don't have any way to prove it.

And now all this crab stuff is just icing on the cake.

I think you mean icing on the crab cake?

So why crabs?

Why do I like them?

Yeah.

Ever since I was a kid, I just thought they looked cool.

Anytime we'd vacation in a city that

had a coast or an aquarium, I'd always beg my parents

to take me to go see it.

Heck, I've never even eaten one because I never

wanted to cause one any harm.

I wanted to be a marine biologist,

study them professionally.

But if you don't have the grades or money, that line of work

is just a pipe dream.

You're not a fan of them, are you?

I can't get close enough to find out.

Allergic?

My hands itch any time I come near them or anything

they've touched.

Hence, my near complete lack of knowledge on them.

Did your hands itch at any of the murder sites?

All three.

I believe you.

I don't know how any of this would at all be possible.

But I believe you.

Well, thanks.

That makes one person.

Hopefully, no one else has to die

before I convince anyone else.

Oh, and these things aren't going to, like,

mate and pump out a billion baby crabs, are they?

Well, these crustaceans are far from run of the mill.

But larval development can yield up to 2 million eggs.

What?

Relax.

It takes at least three months for the eggs to hatch.

And it's not like these things are

going to gaze up at a full moon and start pumping out baby

murder crabs tomorrow morning.

Here's hoping.

Good night, Alex.

Good night, Detective.

[footsteps walking away]

[car door opens and closes]

[engine starts]

[insects chirp softly]

[soft classical piano]

[shuffling footsteps]

[pop]

[chirp]

[liquid pouring]

[shuffling footsteps]

[glasses clink]

[shuffling footsteps]

[shuffling footsteps]

[creak]

[vacuum whirring]

[paper rustling]

[vacuum whirring]

[vacuums turn off]

[insects chirp softly]

[romantic music]

[shuffling footsteps]

[needle scratch]

[whoosh]

[shuffling footsteps]

[pop]

[door slides open]

[pop]

[door slides closed]

[squeaking]

[clang]

[squeaking]

[clang]

[squeaking]

[clang]

[shuffling footsteps]

[splash]

[eerie music]

[shuffling footsteps]

[clattering]

[shuffling footsteps]

[clattering]

[shuffling footsteps]

[clattering]

[door slides open]

[clattering]

[shuffling footsteps]

[whimsical electronic music]

[golf swing]

[whistling]

[ding]

[vacuum whirring]

[vacuum whirring]

[vacuum whirring]

[vacuum whirring]

[splat]

[ball through hoop]

[whoosh]

This is stupid.

I'm not afraid of these things.

They just look like a bunch of plastic toy crabs.

[clattering]

[chomping]

[screaming]

Ah!

Nyah!

Ah!

Uh!

Yah!

Why are you doing this to me?

I'm the one that likes you.

[whirring and spinning]

[gun shot]

[whoosh]

No billions of crabs, huh?

Well how the freshwater fuck was I supposed to know?

Come on.

Let's get out of here before we're turned into crab food.

[screaming]

[muffled screaming]

[muffled scream dies out]

[muffled screaming]

[screaming]

[muffled screaming]

What's our next move?

You're asking me?

You're the cop.

Yeah, but you're the crab expert.

Newsflash, these are not normal crabs.

I know as much about these things as you do.

Well, then I guess we should find out more about them now,

shouldn't we?

Well, I guess we should.

Great, how do we go about doing that?

Well, if we had one to study, that'd

be a good place to start.

That's a pretty good idea.

OK, let's go.

[marching band music]

[shuffling footsteps]

[pops]

[EDVARD GRIEG, "PEER GYNT SUITE NO.

1, IN THE HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING"]

[shuffling footsteps]

[ominous music]

[inaudible]

Get them off.

Ah.

Ah, ah, ah!

[clatter]

Ah, ah.

Ah!

Aye!

Ah.

[clatter]

[whoosh]

[clattering]

The hell?

[dramatic chords]

Crabble weed.

[old-timey piano chords]

[clattering]

[thud]

Ah, ah!

[splat]

[screams]

This is taking too long.

This will work.

Trust me.

It better.

I'm running out of patience.

Ooh, ooh, I see one.

[shuffling footsteps]

Well, I still say there were, oh, I don't know,

several thousand easier ways we could have gone about this.

Possibly.

But I've never built one of these before.

And it gave me the perfect excuse.

[shuffling footsteps]

Well, I suppose I do have to give you

points on how quickly you put this thing together.

Why, thank you.

I'm especially proud of the bait that I came up with.

Speaking of which.

[shuffling footsteps]

It's going for the bait.

Squee.

Well, it's now or never.

Here goes nothing.

[banjo chord]

[bluegrass music]

[dominoes clattering]

[clack]

[scrape]

[bouncing ball]

[clatter]

[splashing]

[wood clattering]

[thud]

[smack]

Hey!

[thud]

[rolling]

[piano music]

[bluegrass music]

[clatter]

[rustling]

[cage rattles]

Are you fucking kidding me?

Oops.

Oops my ass.

[gun shot]

[pew]

OK, now what?

What do you mean, now what?

Slice it open.

Me?

You're the crab expert.

And you're the detective.

You're the one who deals with crimes and labs and cadavers

and things.

Where the hell do you think I work, Red Lobster?

OK, fine, I see more than my fair share of stiffs.

But, A, I don't cut any of them open.

And, B, they're all human, not to mention the fact

that I am highly allergic to these things.

(WHINING) But I don't want to cut a crab.

It's already dead.

It won't feel a thing.

Fine, I'll do it.

And what, pray tell, do you expect me to open this up with?

[click]

Is that a switchblade?

Those things are illegal.

Sure are.

What are you doing with that?

Handing it to you.

No way.

What if the police find out?

Ugh.

[fart]

Ew, it pootered.

Did you say "pootered"?

[sniffing] Oh.

Ugh.

Ow.

That is the absolute lowest of low tides.

I think I'm going to barf.

[sniffs] All right, all right, pull it together.

[inhales]

All right, we have to find out what's

going on with these things.

[soft groan]

[squelch]

I don't think crabs are supposed to be

filled with that much goo.

I suspect you're right.

What's that underneath it?

All I see is goo.

Well, goo and a bullet.

Check underneath it.

Go on.

Well, that's even weirder.

We go from a wet goo to a dry powder.

Wait, how does a powder like that

stay dry inside the middle of a crab?

Let me see that knife.

How in the hell did that stay unprocessed inside

of that crab?

What is it?

Coke.

Cocaine?

Are you positive?

I've seen enough cocaine to sink two battleships and a circus

freak.

I am positive.

Well, do you think that's what's making all these crabs act

this way?

Well, I've seen what too much of it can do to humans,

so I wouldn't rule it out.

Great.

So now we know they're junkies, how does that help us?

Wait a minute.

The first crab murder scene--

there were signs of cocaine but no actual cocaine there.

Come on.

I want to check out that frat house again.

But first, we need to make a quick stop.

(ON RADIO) Hey, folks.

I don't know if things out there are as bizarre for you

as they are for me.

But this building is surrounded by some aggressively gnarly sea

life.

And judging by the sheer mayhem these things are causing

in the streets, I'm going to remain right here,

bunkered up in my crab-free booth,

ready to relay any developing news that I happen to hear.

[gun shots]

(FROM BEHIND THE DOOR) DJ Cow Spank?

I'm Detective Charlie Reese.

Listen, we need to borrow your airwaves for a bit.

Like, how do I know you're not a crab trying to get in here?

(FROM BEHIND THE DOOR) Are you frickin' kidding me?

Do I sound like a crab to you?

I don't know.

I've been fooled before.

(FROM BEHIND THE DOOR) Fine, ask me

something a crab wouldn't know.

OK, how many floors are in the Empire State Building?

(FROM BEHIND THE DOOR) How the fuck should I know that?

Now, see, that's something a crab would say.

(FROM BEHIND THE DOOR) Dammit, open the door.

[click]

Hi, there.

Big fan.

Hey, there, listeners.

This is DJ Cow Spank with you once again.

[smack]

[moo]

I have in the studio with me at this time Detective Charlie

Reese.

And he's got an update regarding the crab situation.

Take it away, Detective.

Hi, everyone.

I know things are crazy right now, and in many cases, deadly.

But I want you to know that we're doing everything

we can to contain this.

Now, I don't know the whole story on these things yet.

But I do know that they're hopped up on cocaine,

and they crave it madly.

While it seems that they will attack just

about anything and everything, it

seems that they are especially prone to attack anything

that they think might be cocaine.

[screaming]

(ON RADIO) This means anything white, powdery, or both.

It's about time we caught a break around here.

Hey, that's what I'm saying.

So please stay indoors, and stay away from anything

they might think is cocaine.

Thank you.

All right, folks, you heard the man.

Stay indoors, and stay away from coke.

Whoa, it's like living my 1980s childhood latchkey

days all over again.

[ominous music]

[pen on paper]

[door shuts]

[shuffling footsteps]

Yo, I ain't got no more coke.

[brisk music]

Look, I had to start moving Beanie Babies

just to pay the rent on this place.

Hey, I told you, I got no coke.

[shuffling footsteps]

Fuck me running.

[scraping]

[screaming]

So what are we looking for again?

This is the scene of the first murders committed by the crabs.

Really?

Here?

Yeah, a couple of frat boys bit it in the backyard.

And we all know where they went from here.

[scoffs] Yeah, everywhere.

But what I want to know is, where were they

before they got here?

Well, OK.

If this is the first time the crabs killed anyone,

and we now know that they're full of cocaine,

and you said that there were signs of cocaine,

but no actual cocaine was found here because presumably

the crabs snorted it all.

So if they first killed here and they first took coke here,

that means when they got here, they

weren't super coked out of their minds

and probably weren't leaping all over the place, which

has them crawling on the ground when they got here.

Now, they're not fast enough to cross any major streets

without getting run over.

And they'd likely be seen, even on one of these side

streets, which tells me that wherever they came from,

they didn't get out in the open too far away from this house.

They either had to have cover, or they

were in a place with no foot traffic.

[thud]

[claps]

Excellent detective work.

You get a sucker.

Fucking score.

So do you always keep giant lollipops in your pocket?

Because that was pretty left field.

Actually, I always try to keep some form of sweets on me

whenever I'm on the job.

Well, that sounds weird.

Some of the scenes I arrive at can be pretty hairy.

And unfortunately, kids aren't exempt from them.

So I like to keep a little something on me

to help with their nerves.

Aw, that's the nicest thing I've ever heard you say.

Oh, but now I'm sad.

You gave me sad candy.

Yeet.

You have absolutely got to be fucking kidding me.

What's up?

[gasps] Is that what I think it is?

Not going to have a billion babies, huh?

What?

You said these things weren't going to mate

and have a billion babies.

So?

So there's no away they all flew to Earth fitting in that thing.

Well, evidently, these are space crabs.

How the frick was I supposed to know?

[scoffs] Come on.

[footsteps in grass]

Oh, look, it's shaped like a little crab--

how cute.

[baby babbling]

[smack]

Don't touch it.

But it's adorable.

Just don't touch it.

We should find a stick or something to poke it with.

[zap]

Ow, fuck butter.

I told you we should have found a stick.

Wait a minute.

If they multiply, that means this is ground zero.

And there's a mom and dad crab out there

somewhere right now, right?

I think we've proven that nothing about these crabs is

a gimme anymore.

True, but that would be the case under normal circumstances,

right?

You think there's a mom and dad crab out there

who are responsible for the first killing?

I sure as shit burger do.

Shit burger?

We have to find those two.

OK, I'm a space crab who's killer alien coke babies have

spread all over.

What do I do?

Probably to find your kids some more

cocaine, which doesn't exactly make you mother of the year.

I think you're right, though.

So we get our hands on some coke,

and we lure the two parent crabs out of hiding.

If there's even any cocaine left.

For all we know, the crabs snorted it all up.

I could check evidence locker at HQ.

It's no guarantee, but it's our best shot right now.

Police headquarters?

But that's right smack dab in the middle of crab central.

It's too dangerous.

Which is why I'm leaving you here until I get back.

OK, no arguments from me.

Just be safe, OK?

[FOOTSTEPS IN GRASS WALKING AWAY]

[zap]

Ow, shit burger.

[sirens wailing]

[semi-automatic gun fire]

[whack]

[whack]

Any luck?

No.

Evidence was trashed.

But I did get the next best thing.

This is bullshit.

You never said you were going to drive me out to the boonies.

I don't say a lot of things.

Now, come on out of there.

Who's this guy?

Alex, this is the cocaine king.

Your majesty, this is Alex.

I don't give two rat farts and a bowling trophy who she is.

I'm only here because you said something about letting me go.

I did.

That is, if you help us out.

What do you need?

Guy calls himself the cocaine king and asks me what I need.

I need cocaine, you idiot.

All right, I mean, you just don't seem like the type.

But, hey, that's none of my business.

It's not for me, you powder-pushing moron.

These crabs crave it like Joanie craves Chachi.

And I'm going to get some and use it to lure them out.

Now, I know you know where we can find some coke.

So you better start talking fast before I find a crab

hill to stake you out on.

Very well.

But let it be known that I, the cocaine king,

am the only criminal to ever use cocaine to get out of jail.

[maniacal laughter]

Now, get these cuffs off me, and bring me my cape and crown.

[metallic rattling]

[sighs]

Ho.

[shaky breath]

[shuddered breath]

[plastic rustling]

Well, I'll be darn.

As you can see, I am never far from my [kiss] precious

cocaine.

Now, I have held up my end of the bargain.

Are you going to hold up yours?

You are free to go.

Come on, Alex.

[FOOTSTEPS IN GRASS WALKING AWAY]

[car doors open and close]

[car engine starts]

[car drives away]

[inhales deeply]

[wordless singing]

(ALL) Hello, Mr. King.

It's not bad to be the king.

Well, it doesn't look like the crab

situation has changed much.

I don't see any people, though.

Do you think they got your message to stay inside?

Or do you think they've all been killed off?

I'm hoping the former.

Jeez, it's like crabageddon, or a crabalanche.

No, wait, crab-splosion.

Alex, focus.

Right, sorry.

OK, we've got a big bag of the one thing that they want.

And we need to use it to find the two original crabs.

Well, we're not even sure if the two first crabs are even

in the area.

So we're going to have to cover a lot of ground

with what we've got.

What if we crop-dusted it, like with a drone or something?

Do you have access to a drone?

No.

Do you know how to fly a drone?

No.

If you did, would you know how to perform

a timed release of a powdered substance from a drone?

No.

Then that's probably a--

A bad idea, right.

Gotcha.

What if we dusted it ourselves?

You mean go over there in the middle of all that?

They'd tear us to shreds.

Not if they think we're one of them.

One of them?

Why in the heck would they think we're one of--

This is stupid, and we're both going to die.

Shh, just think crab thoughts.

And keep sprinkling cocaine all over the ground.

You sound like the world's worst guidance counselor.

Hey, I didn't hear you come up with any better ideas.

That's because there weren't any better ideas.

But that doesn't mean that this is a good one.

Why do you have these things anyway?

This is me we're talking about here.

I mean, OK, I get that.

But why two of them?

It's an emergency backup, duh.

[shuffling footsteps]

Moment of truth.

[shuffling footsteps]

(SOFTLY) It's working.

[shuffling footsteps]

Well, what do you know?

Hold the course, Miss Bailey.

We've got some coke-snorting space crabs to wrangle.

[bluegrass music]

[shuffling footsteps]

(QUIETLY) Reese, Reese, look.

[shuffling footsteps]

Those the mom and dad crabs?

Well, they're a different color and about four times the size.

Good enough for me.

Lucky thing, too.

I just ran out of cocaine.

Ran out?

You can't run out.

Well, why not?

Because I just ran out.

Oh, great.

Now what the hell are we supposed to do?

What are you asking me for?

You're the one who said we needed to find them.

Well, I didn't hear you put up any argument to that idea.

I thought you had a plan for when we found them.

Well, I could say the same for you.

You're the one who put us in the middle of all of them.

Yeah, that's because I thought you had a plan.

Yeah, the plan was to find the first two crabs.

Well, mission accomplished, Detective.

Uh-oh.

[suspenseful music]

Well, if I'm dying, I'm not doing it in this stupid thing.

Ah.

[clatter]

Ah.

[clatter]

Well, there went my best idea.

What do we do?

We need to make a break for it.

I'll go first.

And no matter what happens to me, just keep running.

Reese, no.

It's the only way.

Now get ready.

1, 2--

[whistle]

Ah!

[frenetic music]

[struggling]

Reese.

Ah!

[metallic clunk]

Reese!

[thud]

[frenetic music]

[whoosh]

[whoosh]

[whoosh]

[needle scratch]

I've had enough of this bottom-feeding bullshit.

[splat]

Argh.

Ah!

[heavy metal rock music]

[shuffling footsteps]

Ah!

[splat]

Ah!

[crunch]

Ah!

[crunch]

[clattering]

[clack]

Ah!

[crunch]

Ah!

[crunch]

[growls]

[chomp]

[growling]

[spits]

[crunching]

[slow-motion low growl]

[crunch]

[panting]

[shuffling footsteps]

[clatter]

[smack]

[spits]

What the fuck is in this?

It's simple syrup.

What?

I'm a sugar hound.

[shuffling footsteps]

[thud]

Ugh.

[skateboard wheels]

Oh, rot knuckles.

Come on, they're getting away.

[frenetic rock music]

[skateboard wheels]

[music stops]

This is really weird.

Yep.

[frenetic rock music]

[whoosh]

[stomping]

[skateboard wheels]

[wind whooshing]

[clatter]

(BOTH) Gnarly.

Jinx.

[frenetic rock music]

[thud]

[music stops]

[shuffling footsteps]

[whoosh]

[shuffling footsteps]

Where'd they go?

I don't know.

[footsteps running in grass]

Look, I found the skateboard.

Look.

[shuffling footsteps]

[vacuum whirring]

[metal doors rumble]

[clank]

Careful in there.

Remember, these things are killers.

[door rumbles]

[ominous music]

[shuffling footsteps]

[gun shot]

[ominous music]

[shuffling footsteps]

Ah!

[shuffling footsteps]

Nyah!

Nuh.

[heavy metal rock music]

[grunts]

[thuds]

[crunch]

[shuddering]

[high-pitched hum]

[whooshes]

[shuffling footsteps]

[high-pitched hum stops]

[clatter]

[ominous music]

[shuffling footsteps]

[clicking]

I'm beginning to think it was a bad idea

to follow them in here.

You and me both.

Come on.

Uh-oh.

What is it?

[shuffling footsteps]

Oh, fudge.

Yeah.

[door rumbles]

Reese?

[shuffling footsteps]

Go, go, go, go, go.

[ominous music]

Yah.

[thud]

[frenetic music]

[scraping]

Reese.

[scraping]

[clattering]

You fuckers like blow.

Well, blow this.

[motor sputters to life]

[whoop]

[spraying air]

[motor stops]

No, wait.

Look.

[shuffling footsteps]

[whistle]

[spraying air]

[shuffling footsteps]

Well, I'll be.

[frenetic music]

Do we have enough compressed air for all of them?

Not even close.

[slow shuffling footsteps]

[shuffling footsteps]

[high-pitched hum]

[shuffling footsteps]

[explosion]

[shuffling footsteps]

[explosions]

[shuffling footsteps]

[explosion]

[shuffling footsteps]

[high-pitched hum stops]

All right.

[shuffling footsteps]

We need to use these to destroy the other crabs.

Agreed.

And I've got just the place in mind.

Let's get--

Ha-ha.

[circus music]

I was right.

You motherfuckers all thought I was crazy.

Well, now every one of you bitch-ass cops

who made fun of me can eat my entire ass.

(SING-SONG) I was fucking right.

I was fucking right.

You're all moronic bullies.

And you can suck some clown shit.

Reese.

Reese, we have to go.

(SING-SONG) Take your stupid badges,

and shove them up your asses.

Reese, come on.

Sniff a dead clown's butt, you flat-footed bastards.

[dramatic music]

[high-pitched hum]

[shuffling footsteps]

[explosion]

[metal clatter]

DJ Cow Spank?

It's us again.

It's OK.

These are good crabs.

DJ Cow Spank, we're going to need to borrow

your airwaves one more time.

Listen up all my faithful listeners out there.

This is DJ Cow Spank--

[smack]

[moo]

--once again, back on the air and broadcasting to you live.

I know it's a little weird out there,

and it seems like the ocean barfed up little demon critters

everywhere.

But I have some good news.

Back in the studio with me are Detective Charlie Reese

and Alex Bailey.

And thanks to them, we have a frequency

that will end this crustaceous nightmare.

So whether you're here in town or listening

through your web feed, crank your volume.

Plug your ears, and get ready for one heck

of a crab-splosion.

[inhales] See?

I told you, crab-splosion.

[shuffling footsteps]

[high-pitched hum]

[explosions]

[screaming]

[thudding footsteps]

[high-pitched hum]

[shuffling footsteps]

[explosion]

[splats]

Oh.

[chuckles]

[clicking]

[dramatic music]

[whirring and clanking]

[clank]

[squeaking]

[ratchet]

[glass breaking]

[thuds]

[whirring]

[metal clanking]

[electric whirring]

[pencil scribbling]

[drilling]

[electric spinning]

People of Earth, my name is [clicking tongue]

from the planet Crabulon.

And this is my life mate, Susan.

We would like to thank all of you for being so understanding

and for letting us speak to you now, even after all

the damage that has been done.

For you see, we had no idea what cocaine was

and that it would have such a rampaging effect on us.

Or that it would make me pump out

a billion coke-powered murder babies, like I

was some sort of nuclear-powered PEZ dispenser.

Yeah, we-- we're totally sorry about that.

Mm-hmm, yeah, we're so sorry.

Also, it wasn't even our idea to take

the cocaine in the first place.

It's true.

One of your earthling frat boys shoved it in our faces.

So there.

Seriously, folks, I speak firsthand

when I say that none of you should ever do cocaine.

Yes.

Yes, that's right, no matter how much housework

you may have to do.

It's dangerous stuff.

It sure is.

And we're also sorry for the loss of life that the two of us

directly caused.

But one of them was a classist yuppie piece of shit.

So there is that.

[murmurs of agreement]

[applause]

Yeah.

Nice.

Thank you.

Also, we hold no grudge towards you

or any of your people for any of our offspring

that you may have destroyed.

Let's face it.

They were bloodthirsty alien coke babies,

and they needed to die.

We'll take questions now.

[chatter]

Can you tell us anything?

What's the--

What's it like on planet Crabulon?

Well, we finally got a Cheesecake Factory,

so we're pretty stoked about that.

Does your kind ever wear pants?

Only on casual Fridays.

What was it like to kill millions of your own children?

It felt pretty good.

Next question.

Do you have any racists on planet Crabulon?

No, we feed racists to the elephant squid.

How much pinching occurs on your planet?

Not as much as you'd think.

Why exactly did you come here?

[suspenseful music]

We've been trying to reach you about your car's

extended warranty.

[bass guitar music]

[outer space bubbling]

[engine whining]

[skid]

[whirring]

[sliding]

Boy, I sure hope they got good meth on this planet.

Damn straight.

Yeah!

[heavy metal music]

[music stops]

[rock music]

(SINGING) Cocaine-snorting crabs from outer space.

They've traveled so far just to pinch your face.

Cocaine-snorting crabs from outer space.

They want to eat you because they like the way you taste.

And we think of space as deep and dark and vast.

But their crab spaceship found us really fast.

They've been traveling since the day of their birth,

till they discovered cocaine right here on Earth.

They liked it so much, they decided to stay.

They killed everything that got in their way.

They don't want slaves or our dogs.

They want our cocaine with a side of frogs.

Cocaine-snorting crabs from outer space.

They've traveled so far just to pinch your face.

Cocaine-snorting crabs from outer space.

They want to eat you 'cause they like the way you taste.

They didn't come here to smoke our Mary Jane.

We never thought they'd take all of our cocaine.

We've never seen an invasion such as this.

We thought there'd be a sign, thanks for all the fish.

Those cocaine-snorting crabs from outer space.

They've traveled so far just to pinch your face.

Cocaine-snorting crabs from outer space.

They want to eat you 'cause they like the way you taste.

So if you see a crab scooting down the street,

and it wants to snort cocaine off your dirty feet.

Just remember, they're a visiting alien race,

those cocaine-snorting crabs from outer space.

Cocaine-snorting crabs from outer space.

They've traveled so far just to eat your face.

Cocaine-snorting crabs from outer space.

They want to eat you 'cause they like the way you (ECHOING)

taste.

Yah, I'm a crab.