All language subtitles for Campi.-.Argentine.Monologues.2024.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H264-_track3_[eng]

Humor is what best defines a society.

What we laugh at reveals who we are.

I realized that if I laughed at myself,

I'd get people on my side.

That's how it all began.

I think my characters are very Argentine,

very idiosyncratic
and found in every local community.

They are intrinsically mine
and they mutate,

but they still belong to
and represent our society.

Humor has given me so much.

It gave me my wife, my friends, a job,

so many things.

And it's taken me places
where I never imagined I'd go to.

We're all in the same chicken coop,

all together laying eggs.

Why aren't there earthquakes in Argentina?

Because not even Earth
can stomach Argentines.

From Bahía Blanca,

Abel!

Thank you to life

- The naughty rhea.
- Naughty, naughty. Here....

Martín "Campi" Campilongo.

Why, thank you very much.

Welcome, everybody.

CAMPI
ARGENTINE MONOLOGUES

Man, what an ordeal.

It's an ordeal to park around here.

We have a punchline! Let's hear it.

The musician's good, alright.

I mean...

Parking here is such an ordeal!

And we're downtown,
right at the Obelisk, man.

We should vote for bitches, man, you know.

Bitches.

We voted for their sons, didn't work,
let's vote for their mothers.

I mean... I drive a cab, you know.

So, I come with the cab...

What the...? What's that bike lane?

The bike lane. It's so annoying...

Does anyone like the bike lane?

No.

You do? See if you like it in your house!

Come work in the cab.

I have to do a wheelie
because of the cyclists.

Nah, I hate them. I hate them.

I wait for them in my cab...

Bang! And I run off.

I collect miles, you know, I love it.

Now, the real issue aren't the bicycles,

it's picketers.

Why not have a picket lane
so they can bust balls there?

We got a punchline.

Very good. Let's hear the punchline.

Listen to this.
Summer, Buenos Aires, Argentina,

it was a million degrees,

ass hairs in a blaze,

I couldn't get any clients,

Uber drivers stole my clients,
it was hot, hot, hot.

So, I say, "I'm going home,
I've had enough.

I'll go home
in Parque Patricios, tenth floor."

I get home, it's so hot.
I turn on the AC.

Nah, better not. You know why?

I don't have AC.

Bang! The power goes out.

Damn! Typical Argentina, Buenos Aires.

The summer power cuts. "Oops, power cut."

You know what?
I'mma buy a portable power station online.

On this website
where you order and they bring it to you.

You'll see. I'll get it for free
once they see the 10 flights of stairs

or they'll give me some points.

"A power station, please."

Ten seconds later, "knock, knock,"
they're at my door.

I open it. A Venezuelan
is carrying my power station like this.

I look around. No power.

"Did you bring it up the stairs?"

"Well, you ordered a power station."

"Up the stairs?" "Yes."

So I think...

These Venezuelans

have been through Chávez, Maduro.

Do you think they fear

going up 10 flights of stairs
carrying a power station?

That's okay.

That's okay.

Now, think about this.

You know, Venezuelans in Argentina
are really something, right?

I mean it. They are hard workers, right?

They are a community of phenomenal people,

they're polite, hard-working,
honest and fast.

They are so fast.

They can get anywhere
in 10 seconds on their bikes.

Now, I wonder, the emergency services,

they have ambulances,
why not get a Venezuelan to drive them?

There'll be no more deaths.

Listen. Here.

I'll give you a piano, take it home,

and stop busting my balls.

You know what Argentines are like?

When an Argentine
is being fucked from behind,

instead of getting out,
we get comfortable so it hurts less.

And we go on and on.

Goddammit, I knew it.

Motherfucker. Stop playing the piano.

I told you three times.

Let me go, it's okay.

What, do you like me?

It makes me mad, man.

We could do anything
with this incredible country.

You know who we need here?

This Bukele guy who's trending.

Bukele, man, he'll put them all in jail.

Now he'll fight corruption.

We need to fight corruption here.

We can't
because they pocketed the bullets, too.

We can't do anything here.

I could turn this country
into a superpower in four days.

In four days!
We have everything here, man.

We have everything under the sun.

The four seasons, everything.

We got cold, heat...

For real, the four seasons, we got it all.

Black soil, you know.

You need only spit
and something will grow.

Our flora...
Feel cheery? Busy Lizzie.

Feel blue? Weeping trees.

You kinda gay? Pansies.

We even got a national flower. What is it?

Nice. What educated crowd.

Well done, the ceibo!
Our national flower is the ceibo. Nice.

And the animals here?

All local. We are no copycats.

All locally grown, bro.

We got...

dogs,

cats, hamsters.

They all got rats, mice, nah...
No tail, no tangling on the wheel.

There goes the hamster. Where?
To work. 7:30 a.m. and the dude...

We have a national bird. What is it?

"The thrush," she says.

No, our national bird.

"The sparrow," says Shaggy over there...

"The sparrow," see how shabby he looks?

The hornero! National bird: the hornero.

Give it up for the hornero!

Hold up.

We can agree that the hornero is ugly.

They are shit-toned, right?

Small.

But no bird can build
what the hornero can.

It isn't a bird,

it is an architect posing as a bird.

Just give him a float,

"whoosh, whoosh,"
you got an insulated igloo.

How lovely. But it does make you mad
because we got it all.

We got the widest avenue
in the world. What is it?

The Nueve de Julio.

We got the widest river.

Aren't you educated, man?

The River Plate.

We got the highest mountain
in America, the Everest.

Well done.

I don't know, but it isn't the Everest.

And also, the narrowest beach
in the world, San Bernardo.

In San Bernardo
you have to stand in a row.

You need to trim your toenails
because you won't fit otherwise.

What's your shoe size, 45?
Move over to San Clemente.

We got it all. We are envied.

We are envied, man.

We got it all.

Makes you think,
"When are we ever gonna soar?"

You know, like eagles in America,
they look down, fly high.

We don't.

We're like chickens, you know, we scuttle.

We scuttle like this.

"Government change!"
We hop and move along.

"New government change." And we carry on.

We can't seem to get off the ground.
But, well, we are like chickens.

Chickens are noble.
What noble animals chickens are.

Noble. Their feathers make dusters.

"How many do you want?" "Fifteen."
She plucks them, "There you go!"

Try that with an eagle,

it'll beat you up.

You can eat chickens.
They're good. Noble and tasty.

Try it with an eagle.
Tougher than Hulk's dick.

And chickens adapt, just like us.

Man, there's inflation?
We adapt, we carry on.

Pickets? We adapt,
work around them, carry on.

Thieves? We adapt and adapt again.

It's stressful to be Argentine, you know.

Look at me, at my 29, I look like shit.

So, it makes you mad, you know.

We need honesty and hard work, man.

Honesty and hard work. Thank God,
there are no politicians in my family.

No. One of my nephews is a thief, though.

He sells dope
and dances naked in a strip club.

Actually, he's a politician,
but I'm embarrassed.

"But I'm an honest politician."
There's no such thing.

Honest politicians are like virgin whores.
They don't exist.

Honesty and hard work will bring us afloat
like a fart in the ocean, man.

Like a fart... Look.

I keep telling my kids.
I have two. I'm divorced.

She had the hots for Cheyenne,
can you believe it?

I got divorced. I had enough,
so I moved out.

I like the good life. I like...

You know, I got dough.
Bang! A hotel in Constitución.

A nice one. Five stars... or six.

It had no roof, I could see the stars.

You know how good hotels
have a Bible in the nightstand?

If you go to good hotels...
Sparrow here has no clue, he's a bum.

Good hotels put a Bible
in the nightstand drawer.

Who knows what for,
but the dudes put it in there.

I read it all. I knew the ending, though.
I knew the protagonist died.

I read it anyway,
as I was alone and bored.

When I finish, I call the front desk,

"Hi, how's it going?"

"Good, all alone." Fifteen minutes later,
we were hitting the sack.

We were smoking a cigarette,

and she goes, "I never thought
we'd end up like this."

"I did."

"How so?" "The Bible says it.

I just read it."
"In what verse?"

"The back says, 'The receptionist
is sluttier than chickens'."

I went off on a tangent.
I rambled on.

Honesty and hard work, man.

Look, my father used to tell me this joke.

At my age, I tell it to my kids
and nothing's changed.

A boy asks his father:
"Daddy, what are politics?"

"I'll make it easy so you can understand.

Let's pretend that here at home

I, Dad, am the president, okay?

Mom is the justice system,

you are the people,

your baby brother is the future,

and the maid is the working class,
got it?"

"Not at all."

They go to bed.

At 3:00 a.m., the baby poops himself.

And he's screaming.

This brother, the one asking,
looks for his mother

so she can change the baby's diapers.
The mother wasn't there.

He looks for his father.

Dad's screwing the maid.

They go to bed. The next day,
the family is having breakfast.

"Dad, I just got it."

"Let's see, show me."

"While the justice system is absent,
the President screws the working class,

the people are ignored,

and the future is in deep shit,"
my friends.

For fuck's sake!

Swell!

Why thank you, thank you so much.

What a lovely crowd.

How's it going?
Look, the thrush, how's it going Thrush?

It's a full house.
Sparrow's here, too.

Swell. Guess what, Thrush?

You know I live in a gated community,

all walled up...

Like, image the extent of it,
three families died of asphyxiation.

I live in Nordelta, so we're in Nordelta,

with all the family...

and we lose the keys
to the gated community.

We get locked inside the gated community.

How's it possible?
"There are no copies, Nacho."

"What?" "They fell in the lake, whatever."

"What do we do now?"
"Shall we go to the Club House? Let's go."

"Let's go to the Club House!
Let's go to the Club House!"

So, we're there at the Club House,

looking at each other...

like... "Why don't we talk turkey?"

"Talk turkey, okay. You start Nacho."
I start.

"I lost a turkey."

Swell!

Teresita says,
"Guys! I lost three turkeys, too,

in Olavarría, in Dad's ranch."

"I lost a turkey, too."
I mean, so many lost turkeys...

So, we're there,
talking all things turkey,

and we see a man walking by
who wasn't from the community.

Nor the Martindale community.

Nor the rugby club.

I know them all...

Nor the university club (CUBA).
I played rugby in Cuba,

Man, did I spend money going to
and coming from Cuba to play rugby.

No. He was...

He was a beggar.

So he walks up and stands in front of me.

I had never seen a beggar.

Well, I saw a poor man
in National Geographic, but from Africa.

This one was from Argentina.

Look at him! Swell!

They go, "Talk to him Nacho."
"How's it going, Beggar?

You know how the Brava beach is fierce

and the Mansa beach, when the wind...?

The man's eyes went like...

The beggar spoke. He talked to me.
He said, "Yo, bruh."

I mean, we have brugs here.

"Yo, bruh."

"'Bro'? I've never seen you before."

Like, the beggar didn't get me
nor did I get him.

So, Federico says,

"Guys, we can't understand the beggar
because he has no teeth."

It was a gum fest.

He looked like a snake.

Swell! Look at that uvula!

"Guys, shall we take our teeth out?

Let's do it and make it fashion."

And Teresita, who you know

because she has a show
on Home & Health about bricolage,

made him teeth out of papier-mâché.

The beggar looked like Aerosmith's singer.

And when he got his teeth,
he started eating.

Man, can he eat!

So, we're playing bridge.

Bridge.

Yes, bridge.

And the femme de ménage comes and says,

"Nachito,
check out what the beggar is doing."

The beggar was opening
my jar of smoked deer.

"Not the smoked deer,
it's from La Angostura. No.

Mister Beggar, not the smoked deer.

Guys, we need to entertain the beggar.

I bought it in La Angostura."

Francisco says, "Let's organize a murga."

I had never heard the word "murga" before.

I say, "Hold up, what's a murga?"

"A murga. We wear colorful Versace clothes

and sing César "Banana" Pueyrredón.
A murga.

Original songs, too.
We're The Nordelta Loose Screws."

Hey! Let's hear it
for the upper class murga.

Sing it!

This murga we have created

Even if it pesters

The beautiful people sing it

There, in Punta del Este

Boy, did we have fun with our beggar.

We got a lovely beggar.

Lovely. Such fun. Adorable.

So, we organized things
to keep him entertained and happy.

We organized a water bomb battle.

Do you know what water bombs are?

They are balloons I got in Europe.
Swell. Colorful, like this.

They aren't filled with air,
but with water, and thrown at the beggar.

The beggar gives it back, though.
It's a water bomb battle.

Dang! It hits.

Such fun!

You know,
one day we were playing backgammon,

you know what backgammon is?

And we see the beggar
hand in hand with a girlfriend.

He had a girlfriend.

I mean, why?
We're having such a swell time!

We realized it was his girlfriend
because she had no teeth.

Plus, she said "red" instead of "crimson."

"Where's my 'room'?" Not "chamber."

Not a "room." "I want to poop"... No!

They held hands
and went into the Club House

and started mating
and suddenly... 23 beggars.

In four days, 23 screaming beggars.

"This is ours!"

None of that! That's not a proper way
to ask, mister Beggar.

Both of you, Beggars.

This goes for both.

If you ask me nicely,
I'll give you everything.

Look, four months ago,

the Mothers and Grandmothers
of Plaza Francia

organized a meal

to benefit kids in Recoleta
who suffer from boredom

and they sent an email
asking for a non-perishable smart.

That's how you do it. Via email.
Not, "This is mine." It's mine.

I don't bother people with my problems.

I couldn't find my sky poles
this winter, so?

Nah, man. The beggars have to go.
Away with them.

We need to stay alert
because beggars creep in like humidity.

So, we're there and suddenly we hear...

The locksmith! "The locksmith, guys! Come!

Mister Locksmith,
if you only knew. Please open."

Nordelta's doors opened.

"Mister beggar, thank you.
What a lovely experience we've had.

How kind of you.
See you later. Take care."

Miss Bag Lady. "Miss Bag Lady!

Take care of my friend.
Take care of Beggar.

Come here, mister Locksmith. Come here.

Could you lock us up again?"
"Sure."

So much insecurity, buddy.

So much insecurity... all around.

- Where are you from?
- Almagro.

Almagro.

And the lady laughing, where from?

Gonnet?

Are you Argentine?

"Gonnet." Sounds French. Aha.

Gonnet is lovely.
Where the hell is Gonnet?

To the North or the South?
You have no clue either.

Lovely. I know Gonnet.
I saw it on the news once.

Swell. And the two girls over there,
where are you from?

Caballito. How nice.

Watch out, there's a lady from Gonnet.

Move the bag to the other side.

Lovely. I mean, guys,
put yourselves in other people's shoes.

You gotta...

Now, I wonder...

why would I trade shoes

if my shoes are amazing?

The thing is that the place where we spend
our childhood leaves a mark on us.

I lived in Parque Patricios
until I was twenty-something.

I grew up there

and took after my neighbors,
their worldview.

Wherever you are born and brought up

makes up your DNA.

That's where a lot of my characters
are born,

they have that idiosyncrasy.

Hi kitty. Cutie.

How adorable.

Cutie!

Okay. Okay, out. Go, kitty.

My God!

Here we go.

Lovely.

Got a ciggie, boy?

I can't hear you, let me move closer.

I can't hear you.

Oh, Blanquito is here. Lovely Blanquito.

So cute.

"Purr," he says. "Purr."

Go, Blanquito, go over there.

Got a cigarette, girl?

You don't smoke?

You must get laid.

Because you gotta have a vice.

You either smoke or get laid.
I got laid once.

I had a daughter and never did it again.

She gave me two grandsons
that live with me.

I like smoking, I smoke.

Listen to my voice,
I sound like tango singer Goyeneche.

I like smoking.
And eating chocolate-covered "peanutses."

I can't chew them
because of my upper teeth, you know.

But I suck on them.
Here, want some "peanutses"?

Okay.

I like them. I like cursing.

I couldn't before
because my husband wouldn't let me.

But Roque is dead.

Fuck you, Roque!

I can curse all the fuck I want,
Roque, motherfucker!

No one can tell me nothing.

Darling, I live alone...

Not alone,
with two cats and two grandsons.

My grandsons are beaut... Look,

Tito and Beto.
Tito takes after me, he is handsome.

Beto, not so much.
Beto looks like this asshole.

He looks just like you, Roque,
motherfucker!

They are both grown now.

They are grown, smart...
Well, Tito is the smarter one.

I brought them up well. They are polite.

Tito is smart, alright.

What's your name, in the blue hoodie?

- Me? Juan.
- Yes.

Juancito, listen to this.

My grandson, Tito,
the youngest one, is so smart.

You know how yerba mate
is so expensive now?

He started selling packets of yerba mate.

Enough for one or two mates.

He's doing well... People even come
from Gonnet! Go figure.

Bravo! Bravo!

My house is full of youngsters
coming to buy yerba mate.

Now Beto caught on, the idiot.

He started selling sugar for Tito's mates.

Powdered sugar, the real powdery one.

And he's doing well...

They even come from Boedo, too.

He is selling sugar by the kilo.

They are grown, darling.

They are earning their pay.
Making an honest living.

They are so wholesome.

Yes. And we have had such happy times.

That's what happiness is, Juan.
Moments, you know.

Moments.

You gotta string them together
like pearls on a necklace.

I came to learn that later in life.

Because happiness...

Happiness lasts for a short time,

but those moments are multicolored.

Happiness is like a butterfly

that flies

and picks you

and stands on your hand

and lets you contemplate it

and enjoy it.

Happiness is your time, it's yours.

You have to know how to protect it.

Because we think it comes often, don't we?

We must be wise and protect it.

Because she knows she is being protected

and it is at that moment

when other happy moments occur.

Moths!

Hiya!

I shoot my shots. One's bound to hit...

Look at her laughing.

You are hotter than a submarine engine.

I'm hotter than the surface of the sun.

Nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts.

I get laid once in a blue moon.

The moon never gets blue, goddammit.

I've never gotten laid.

Never, ever, ever.

But I shoot my shots.

One might hit the bull's-eye.

Hi there.

I'll grind on you until we figure out
what Bad Bunny is saying.

I'll grind on you
until Peppa Pig's sex tape comes out.

Shots.

I live alone, you know.
I rent a room.

On the top floor, I aim high.

The landlady doesn't charge for rent.

I do maintenance work,
so she doesn't charge for rent.

She provides for me and I lie
and say I do maintenance work.

But I can't even change a light bulb.

I'm there. I have my own room.

This is my room. I have a bed,
a fruit crate that's my chair.

What more could I want?
I have a bed to myself.

All for me.
I always shared the bed with my siblings

because we were poor.

But poor for real, not like today.

Today the whole country is poor.

Now everybody's poor,
it used to be just us.

I mean really poor.
We slept all 15 siblings in a bed.

It was like a game of Tetris.

All 15 of us would dream the same.

My sister pretended
she had dolls, like this.

We ate soil and for our birthdays,
Mom would put in worms.

Poor. When my milk teeth fell,
I drank them.

Now... I got a bed for myself.

Just for me, you know.

So, "It's my birthday

I'm going clubbing
and I'll see if I pick up a girl.

I'm going to Pompeya. Yeah.

I got there first, at 5 p.m.

There was nobody.

I didn't say nothin'.

I was there and around midnight
girls started swarming the place.

Swarming me. That was a first!

I was like...

The doors opened and we went in like this.

I ran straight to the bar
because the bartender is my friend.

We call him "beach kite"
because he's so high.

He's high all day long.

His jawline goes like this.

And as it does,
he picks the ice for the daiquiris.

And I make small talk.

And I start looking for the ugliest one,
so as not to waste time.

Done,

I saw a shorty.

I go, "She looks nice.

If I put a mandarin on her head,
I'll get juice out of her."

And... she comes up to me!

She was like, "Hi there, how's it going?"

She was like a run-down jewelry store,
she only had two pearly whites.

I'm missing two pearly whites! "Jinx!

We match!"

"Hi there, how are you Shorty?"
"All good."

So, Shorty started asking,

"Do you have properties?"

"The property to burp out the alphabet."

But I didn't say that.
I said, "Yes, I do."

"How did you get here?"
"In a Mercedes Benz, with my driver."

The Mercedes Benz public bus.

But I didn't say that. "Yes, sure."

She heard,
"He has a car, he has properties.

Shall we go to your place?"
"Let's go...

Let's go to my place.

Let's go to my room." I was so horny.

If I'd had kernels down my pants,
they would have popped.

I was hotter than Europe
in the summer, man.

"This is my room, look. This is my bed,
this is my fruit crate.

Today is my birthday, let's get it on."

She goes, "What do you prefer,
your birthday or boning?"

"Tough question.

My birthday because it's more often."

Next thing I do, I take my clothes off.

She looks at me and goes,
"You use that to pee?"

She was referring to my buddy.

She says, "Let's just
move on to the cigarette."

She pulled out a Virginia Slims,
you know, the thin ones, Virginia Slims.

I say, "You smoke those?"
"Yes, I need something thick in my mouth."

"Let's toast," she says.
I had cashed my bonus check,

so, I had some juice powder.

"Let's toast!"

I slept for 15 days straight,
she gave me a roofie.

Little wretch.

I opened my eyes 15 days later.

When I open my eyes,
I see a 42-inch TV.

You know... a chair set.

I looked so raggedy, instead of stealing,
she bought me things!

I always pray to God
not to be involved in a robbery.

If I do, I pray to God
not to go to prison.

If I go to prison,
I pray to God not to get raped.

If I get raped,
I pray to God not to like it.

And If I like it,
I pray to God they sentence me to life.

Jorge was one of those who,
when I went by his house, would go,

"Marta, prepare the pasta,
Martín is here."

And I would stay for the meal

and do an impression of him

and we'd talk the same way
without noticing.

"What's up Jorge?"
"Good. You, Martín?"

"Good, Jorgito, good to see you."

And go back and forth for hours
until my friend, Ramiro,

would say, "Come on, cut it out, let's go,
we have tickets for the movies."

I think Jorge represents

the nice part of our society.

A part that is virgin, naive, and kind,

which is constantly being pummeled,
but still standing nonetheless.

And in our society,
there's a Jorge in every community

and that's why people
love this character so much.

Come one! Come on, buddy!

Nice!

Nice!

Come on, forza!

Nice!

- What's up, Javier? How's it going?
- How are you?

You know what he said?
As I'm coming in, I see him and he goes,

"Jorge, what up, old man?

What nice track jacket! An old one!

It's old. It's from the '78 World Cup."

- It's real funky.
- What a year.

The '78 World Cup. Was that your year?
You're old, then.

Lemme do the math. You're 45, then!

Gee... 45, time sure flies.

And we don't even notice.
Well, it slowly dawns on us.

When I was a kid, I said,
"Wait and see till you are an adult."

and now that I'm an adult, I can't see.

I can't. I wear two sets of glasses,

or three, to read texts, the paper.

I set the paper on fire last week.

Right, you change, you know.

You're a kid, and suddenly,
bang, you have chest hair.

Gee, time flies.
You get hair here, hair there,

then you lose the hair
on the top, like Javier,

and you start getting hair in your ear
that grows like ferns, like that,

and on your brows, too, long hairs,

and on your nose, too, like this.

I leave those to poke ravioli.

Right. Your body changes, you know.

You let yourself go.

When I was a kid, I was Brad Pitt.

She's laughing.

Sparrow, the one next to you is laughing.

I was Brad Pitt.
Brad Pitt, look... Peppa Pig.

You let yourself go, dunno.
Not just me, Marta, too.

Time goes by.

You see young girls, like those there,
they wax, you know.

Here... here.

They leave a mustache like Chaplin.

Now check Marta out.

She looks like a bearded man yawning.

Your tastes change, too.
You can tell you are older.

Suddenly, when you hit around 40,

when you get in the car,
you don't tune in to FM, but AM.

Right? That's a sign.

You want to hear people
talking about the news, soccer, not music.

No. You're too old for that.

Technology, too,
you know, makes you feel old.

You know, you in the white shirt.

What's your name?

Horacio. How old are you?

Sixty.

Still young.

Still, we fall behind.
Kids today work things out like that.

My God! Say you... Hold up!

Say you have to renew your license.

Give me three months.

When you ask the youth for help,
they might as well kick you out, you know.

I have no idea what's going on.

You know, I have Marta's back.

When she's in bed, she rolls over
and I get her the bedpan.

Nice.

Listen to this.

We bought a smart TV set.

Don't you know what it is?

Yes. You kid, do you know?

I'll tell you.

It's an intelligent television.

It's got it all.
The computer... everything.

The... whatever the hell it's called.
Everything.

It might as well do your laundry.

So, we bought a smart TV with Marta.
It came in a box with protection.

You know. With polystyrene in the front,
the back, the sides...

the remote, too.

We take it out, put the box away,
as one should.

We keep the box
that our Siam fridge came in still.

So, we sit there, in front of the TV,

I turn it on... My, my, the colors!

I turn the volume up,
and it switches to HDM1.

My God.

HDM2, HDM3, ABL, PC.

Goddammit.

So, we left it there
and never watched TV again, whatever.

Until Maxi, my son, came over.

The youth knows it all today.

When we were kids,
we asked adults for help.

Now that we are adults,
we ask the kids for help.

"Don't touch it!" They tell you off!

Easy.

We watch the one channel
so that he doesn't get mad.

Nice.

Maxi tells Martita,

"Mom, get platforms!"

So, Marta bought clogs.

And she walked around the house in them
until, bang, she got a skinned knee.

A week later, Maxi says,
"Streaming platforms, Mom!

Get Prime Video."

"Prime Video? What's...?"
He got us Prime Video and...

Mother of God, they got all the movies!

It's pretty neat.

We like watching movies in bed, you know.

We go to bed with the old lady

to watch movies on Prime Video,

and here's another sign
that you are getting old,

you put a pillow between your knees.

There's no turning back.
You start with one and that's it.

Then another one here, here,
under your arm, here, here...

You are protected like the smart TV.

And another thing

is insecurity, right? You are scared...

When you are young, you are daring,
when you get older...

When I was young,
I hitchhiked everywhere,

it was fine. Going downtown? I hitchhiked.

From Parque Patricios,
my fingers got me downtown.

They even got me the doctor.

But now, it's the doctor
who uses his fingers...

...on my prostate.

You go, like,
"Men got to the moon,

now to Mars and are growing lettuce,

and we're still
getting fingered in the ass."

Isn't there another way
to do a check up on a computer?

You gotta surrender. My God.

Well, I go to the doctor. Doctor Big.

Came in recommended by the pianist.

He's standing all straight, isn't he?

I come in, "Hi, doctor Big."

He shakes my hand and I see
his fingers do his last name justice.

He shook my hand
and I started sweating. Oh, my God.

"Relax, my friend."
"Sure, do I have a choice?"

"Pants down."

My God, what am I in for?
I started praying.

The guy was like a fencer,
without any warning he went, "Touché."

My gums went up like blinders.

My eyes went blank,
I got flashes of past lives

and remembered
I was a soldier in Napoleon's army.

The guy was unfazed while I was like...

"Easy, Emilio. Easy, Emilio.

Emilio, easy. Emilio, easy."

After a while I go,
"Dude, I'm not Emilio."

"I am Emilio and I know myself."

Oh, my God!

Your taste in food changes, too.

Signs that you are getting old.

I never had kiwis,
but you stop eating kiwis,

you go for mandarins.
I never had kiwis...

not because I didn't like them,

but they freak me out a bit.

They freak me out, give me the willies.

They are the closest thing
to my uncle Alberto's balls

that I've ever seen.

My uncle Alberto used to sit on the curb

in his shorts, his balls would come out,
they looked like the kiwis!

So, your taste changes, you know.

You don't order dulce de leche ice cream,

you order rum raisin.

When you hit 35,
you discover rum raisin and go,

"How have I not had this before?"

So tasty! And crustless sandwiches?

After 50, I discovered pineapple ham.

"That's me," says the veteran.

Tastes change.
You can't really eat anything.

You can't have asado
because of your cholesterol.

Fried food, like schnitzels,
causes indigestion.

Candied peanuts break your teeth.

Man, you can't have anything.
What can we have, smoothies?

And now, where do you
hang out with friends? Not at an asado,

but at the pharmacy.

Every Thursday
we get together at the pharmacy.

You get to the pharmacy, open the door,
and see all the boys sitting.

"Give it up for Jorge."

"This round of Omeprazole is on me,"
says Hugo. "Hear, hear!"

So, you start catching up
with your friends.

"How are you?"
"I need hip surgery."

"You don't say. When?"

"In two months." "Give it up for...

Bravo, Rafael is getting hip surgery.
Alright."

"I'm getting a colonoscopy."
"Oof, you'll be chained to the toilet."

And so, we catch up.

The day goes by.

It's a nice time, nice, nice.

You know, the other day, at the pharmacy

a young kid, like that one, came in,

and yelled, "Pharmacist!"

He goes up to Tino, "Pharmacist,
can I get 20 condoms?"

Twenty condoms.

We all stared at him and nearly clapped.

Tino looks at him and goes,

"Kid, I only got 19."
"You ruined my night," he said.

I go, "Kid, hold up, come 'ere.
lacquer it, it'll be cheaper."

Well...

We have a gay old time
at the pharmacy. Tino says,

"Do you want some condoms?"
"No, condoms?

It's hard to get it up,
we can't weigh it down further.

My man, I don't have sperm cells,
I have Jurassic swimmers."

No, none of that, none of that.

Nice. We have a nice time.

We register for birthdays
at the pharmacy, you know.

We go, "Three boxes of Omeprazole."
"Write me down for flu medicine."

There's this new thing, look.
Tino, the pharmacist, told me about it.

A pregnancy test.
Have you heard of it, Gonnet?

It exists. A pregnancy test.

There, young lady,
is it true that it exists?

See, Gonnet?

It's a stick, I saw it.

Am I lying? It's a plastic stick.

It goes up the coochie.

If it comes out
with two lines, it's positive.

Is that true? See?

In my day, child, they stuck a breadstick.

A breadstick,
a stick of crisp, dry baked bread.

If it had been bitten, she was pregnant.

And something else that happens

that signals that you are getting old
is that you can't hear well.

Can you hear me?

It's not that I can't hear,

I can't be in two conversations
at the same time.

Look at her laughing. She gets it.

You know, you got three friends
talking at once...

Look, on Sundays
the family gets together at home.

Marta makes pasta for everyone.

Maxi and the kids come over,

Florencia, her husband,
and their kids, too,

so, we're all together
and they all talk and all I hear is...

And I sit there,
smiling, because they're laughing.

So as not to be left out.

When they look at you, you go...

So as not to raise suspicions.

And I see that they laugh, talk, and I...

So, my head wanders,
I get distracted, you know.

I reminisce about going
on holiday all together

to San Clemente.

Florencia started walking in San Clemente.

I get those flashbacks.

Or about Maxi introducing us
to his first girlfriend,

who he later married
and is now his wife,

and gave me grandkids,
who are sitting right over there.

Florencia married her husband,
who's over there,

they filled my house with grandkids.

They talk, I don't understand,

but they laugh.

That's important,
they are laughing together.

I look over at Marta

and she's like me,
she can't understand shit.

But our family is there,
laughing together.

I take her hand...

and we smile together.

Thank you!

You know, in these times we are living,

in a world with so many differences,

so many differences
and political divides...

Tonight, we all have our own ideas,

but we laugh at the same thing.

See how humor brings us together?

So, to humor, put your hands together.
Thank you very much.

Thank you.