Original subtitles

- Can you move along please?

You can't settle here.

Oh Paul, thank god it's you.

- Did you think them gypsies were back?

- How many times, Paul?

They're called nomadic travellers and yes I did.

What're you doing here?

- Well I was going to pitch up next to the canal

but it's 40 quid a night and full of doggers.

- Why?

- Because there's plenty of big bushes next to that towpath.

- No, why are you in your caravan?

- It's yvette, she's kicked me out.

- What happened?

- She's mad because I finally told her sister

what I think of her.

- Do you not like her sister?

- Oh no, quite the opposite.

- Well Paul, all I can say is your lucky

it's a Friday night.

I've got more cheap vino than you'd find

in a big vat in a magic travellers wedding.

- All aboard.

- Toot toot here I come.

♫ We're gonna make it work

♫ gonna make it work

♫ some day we're gonna make this work

do you know the last time I was in a caravan

I was 19 and had to share a tiny pullout bed

with my two best friends.

- Now there's a mental image.

Seriously though, check this out.

Look at that action.

- Oh that is impressive Paul.

- Memory foam, because you'll never forget a night

spent on this bed.

- Who's that.

- Could be yvette.

- Oh god what if she thinks we were,

not that we were.

- Hide!

Hold on won't be a moment.

Janette.

- Thought you might be glad of a proper dinner.

Faggots and peas.

I know them shoes.

Patricia collingwood.

- Jannette, hiya.

We're just enjoying a completely innocent, friendly drink.

- You didn't waste much time, did you?

You do not deserve my faggots.

Fornicators.

- Karl you need to take this staff appraisal seriously.

- I am taking it seriously.

- Where it says,

"where do you want to be in five years' time"

you've drawn a picture of yourself at Warwick castle.

- I've never been.

- Well we'll go for your birthday but right now

I'm your deputy manager not your girlfriend

and there is actually a serious issue

we need to address today.

On average you're signing on over 80% of your job seekers.

That's the highest rate in the whole of the center.

- Yes, get it!

Ta da!

Don't leave me hanging.

- That's not a good thing, Karl, it's a bad thing.

You need to start getting more job seekers off benefits

and soon.

I hate to say this, but you should take a look at Angela.

- Ooh, you hate Angela.

- Yeah, I do.

I really do.

But she is annoyingly effective.

You need to toughen up.

- I can toughen up.

- Says the guy who cried watching frozen.

- I thought we were keeping this professional.

- You just need to show me that you can,

you know, man up.

- Like when princess Elsa mastered her ice powers

and saved her kingdom.

- No, Karl.

You need to be strong and forceful and direct.

You need to stop being so passive.

When I ask you if you want deep pan or thin crust,

don't just say you don't mind.

- Well I don't mind.

- I want you to mind.

- Okay I hate thin crust.

- That's it.

That is the Karl I want you to be out there, now go get 'em.

- Morning.

This a charity or something?

Dressed like a tramp man day.

- My wife's kicked me out.

- Oh Paul I am so sorry.

- Where's your uniform?

- Yvette won't let me back in the house to get it.

- You can hardly blame her.

- Nothing was going on.

- I've tried telling her.

- I caught the pair of you in Hugh grant-i.

- It's inflagrante.

Sorry what are we talking about?

- Janette I don't know what you think you saw,

but nothing happened.

- I know what I saw.

- You spread eagled in your bra and knick-Knicks.

Probably waiting for him to tie you up

and whip you with a retractable washing line.

It's etched on my memory, Trish.

- Janette, I didn't even know he had

a retractable washing line.

- Home wrecker.

- Angela is that a food blender on your desk?

- It's not a food blender, it's a medical masticator.

- Well it looks like a blender to me.

I assume you know the rules about food preparation

at a work station.

- And I assume you know the diversity guidelines.

If you are disabled your employer must provide

the reasonable adjustments needed.

- You're not disabled, Angela.

- I've got chronic ibs.

Masticating my food soothes my bowels.

- I don't think ibs counts as a disability.

- There you are.

You've clearly never been caught in traffic

and forced to improvise with a tube of pringles.

- Howdy partner.

- Howdy, nice getup.

- Yeah I do a bit of country and Western singing

in my spare time.

Oh, can I have a biscuit.

Um...

No, sorry.

Right, sir, have you been looking for work?

- Well you know what they say, you can lead a horse to water

but you can't make it drink.

- So have you?

- No.

- But I have been doing a whole lot of singing though.

- Well singing doesn't count.

Okay I can get you an interview

at the main poundland depot on Thursday afternoon.

- Ah, no can do I'm afraid kemosabe.

See I've got to be in tipton at four for a sound check.

It's a big event called the wild west Midlands.

- Well you're going to have to miss it.

- I can't do that.

It's my big chance?

I'm supporting Johnny cashback.

He's great.

And if you don't like him you get a refund.

- Well I can't accept hobbies as an excuse.

If it's getting in the way of seeking employment

I have to be tough about it.

- But this is more than a hobby, this is my dream.

- Okay well this isn't the x factor mate.

Now let's just get you a proper career, shall we,

as a pallet driver at poundland.

- Well it looks like we've got ourselves a standoff

because I ain't going to no poundland.

- Well let me put it this a-way, if you refuse

I'm stopping your benefits.

- Are you drawing a line in the sand.

- Yeah, I am actually.

I am drawing a line in the sand.

- Right, you ain't seen the last of me.

I'll be back tomorrow, high noon.

- Oh, okay well the first available appointment

isn't until 10 past two, so good luck with that.

Yeah, I hate thin crust.

Woo hoo.

- Karl, you busy tonight.

- Yeah, I'm meant to be seeing Natalie.

- Shame, us boys heading out back

for a few beers in the caravan.

- You know what, actually I'm up for that.

I could see Natalie any night.

- Great.

- Come on.

- Yeah let's make it a proper lads night, eh?

- Beers, grub.

- Wrestling!

- No wrestling.

- Yeah.

- Let's have a game of poker, huh?

- Yeah.

- Poker, brilliant, yeah.

I've always wanted to give that a go.

- Hang on, you've never played poker?

- No, I'm absolutely useless with cards

but it always looks like so much fun, you know.

- Alright then, we are definitely playing.

- Oh this is exciting.

What should I bring.

- Just bring yourself ash and say, what, 80 quid in cash?

- Come on Karl it's his first time playing.

Be easy for him if we rounded up to 100.

- 100 yeah cool better safe than sorry.

- Great, you guys are the best.

- Right, have you decided what we're doing tonight?

- Yeah you can do what you like,

I'm having a night with the boys.

- Really?

- Yeah we might even order a deep pan pizza.

In fact, we definitely will.

- Karl it was a staff review.

Get over it.

Oh come on I wanted to go somewhere and get a curry.

- No I want to hang out with a recently separated

middle aged man and a shit therapist

in a caravan in a carpark.

- I've got two pair.

- Two pair.

- House.

- It's not bingo.

- Sorry full house.

I guess that means I win again, right.

I am having a great time.

- I don't know how you do it.

- Well on that last hand I could tell you were bluffing

because your eyes went to the top left

and you touched your face.

And I could tell Karl was bluffing because he said,

"oh for fuck sake" when he looked at his cards.

Ah, this game is so much fun.

Back in a sec.

- Un-be-freaking-leavable.

- Paul, can I ask you something personal.

- You having trouble getting your little soldier

to stand to attention?

Can't help you mate, never happened to me.

- No, no it's not that.

Do you think I'm tough?

- No.

- Yeah but I could be though if I wanted to be, right?

- No, sorry mate.

It's just one of those things.

You've got small hands.

- Talking about needing a royal flush.

- Wait, you didn't put toilet paper down the loo did you?

- No.

- Only it's a chemical toilet, can't take bulk roll.

- I didn't, no.

- You just touched your face.

- And your eyes went up to the left.

- Oh what is that smell?

- Shitty Nora.

- What are you up to?

- Cleaning up the damage done last night

by sir shits a lot here.

- That's the time.

I never thought I'd say this

but thank god I've got to get to bloxwich.

- Can we be friends again?

- I suppose so.

It's not your fault that you got tempted onto the rocks

by that siren.

- Whatever you say,

you can give me a hand mopping out the bog.

- No, Paul.

I've got to get back inside.

Wait, is that swingball?

- Ah, so you're back are you.

- This job center ain't big enough for the both of us.

- What does that even mean?

- It means I want my benefits

and this is your final warning.

- Well I'm not backing down.

If you want your money,

you're going to have to do things my way.

- I'm telling you that I want my money.

- And I'm telling you,

you're going to have to go through me to get it.

- Well that's big talk for a man with such small hands.

- Is there a problem here?

- Yes, this man here wants to take my dreams from me.

- Well sir, if your dreams are getting in the way

of you finding gainful employment,

he's entitled to do that.

- Oh we'll see about that.

- Careful he's got a gun.

- Karl do something!

- Can't move I'm frozen.

- Look I don't want anyone to get hurt.

I've only got one demand which is...

With a rope ladder.

- Have you not seen someone masticate before.

- Right that's it.

Me and the little lady here are taking a walk.

- Karl, Karl.

- Shh, quiet, no funny stuff.

- Where the hell is security?

- Mr. cowboy?

- It's Kevin.

- Kevin the cowboy.

- It's just Kevin.

- Just Kevin the cowboy.

- Kevin!

- Please don't kill me.

- Look will you try and calm down.

- Yeah I'm sorry I've never been stuck up

at gunpoint before.

I was just thinking, maybe now that they've

evacuated the building we could go downstairs.

I would be happy to process your claim.

- Too late for that.

- Could we go inside at least?

We definitely shouldn't be up here.

This is a health and safety nightmare.

- Well of course it is.

We're up here on a roof and I've got a gun.

- Please don't shoot me.

Sorry.

I can't help it.

- Will you just sit down and shut up.

- Yup.

- Tryin' to think here.

- It's him, it's Karl.

- Go ahead, answer it.

- Trish, this is Karl.

Tell him we should swap places.

It's me he's got a problem with not you.

- Trish this is ash.

I'm back from bloxwich.

Listen carefully.

I have studied a module in criminology.

I'm going to negotiate with this cowboy

and defuse the whole situation okay?

- Now it's our district work psychologist

and he wants to talk to you.

- Let me talk to him ash.

- Karl, did you get 61% for an essay you wrote

on the 1980 Iranian embassy siege?

- No.

- Well I suggest you leave this to me.

Hello cowboy.

- It's Kevin.

- Now I want you to stay calm.

- I am staying calm.

This is quite a unique situation isn't it?

- I'm sorry.

- I said this predicament we're in, it's quite unique.

- Well something can't be quite unique, can it?

- Well this is quite unique.

- No the word unique is an absolute.

It can't be modified, understand.

Something is either unique or it isn't.

Hello?

- How well do you say that went then, 61%?

- Angela, you can't leave.

- If I can't work I've no obligation to stay.

- But when the police get here

they'll want to speak to all the witnesses.

- Then they can contact my lawyer.

Oh and don't expect me back in for a week.

I've got trauma.

- Don't you want to hang around to see if Trish is okay?

- If she gets shot I'll see it on Midlands today.

- I was so rude to her.

If something happened I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

- Don't worry janette, Trish is going to be fine,

right ash?

- I doubt it.

Even if she gets out of this alive

she'll probably be damaged psychologically.

She might get panic attacks, Stockholm syndrome...

- fear of going to Ikea?

I get that a lot.

- Is Stockholm syndrome that one where the hostages

fall for their captors?

- It happens all the time, in very clear stages.

Once the fear of the situation has passed,

the hostage will confide in the captor,

often getting quite emotional and upset.

- And then janette called me a homewrecker,

but I swear nothing happened,

I mean as if I'd do that to someone

after going through a divorce myself.

- It's at this stage that a simple first connection is made.

- Divorce is tough.

- Have you been divorced too?

- She left me eight years ago.

If she'd stayed there's no way

I'd be on this roof right now.

- I can completely understand.

- From there the hostage and hostage taker

will form a close bond.

- Getting a bit chilly Willy.

- Unlikely though it sounds,

they form a sort of partnership.

The hostage sees him as a source of comfort,

safety and inspiration.

She may even adopt characteristics of the hostage taker,

his mannerisms, even his clothing.

- Thank you kind cowboy.

- If there's one thing they knew how to do in the old west,

it was how to treat a little lady.

Apart from the prostitution and all that.

- And like that Stockholm syndrome has kicked in.

- Don't worry partner, I've got your back.

- Here come the cavalry.

- It's you and me against the world.

- Uh inspector the perp is on the roof.

He's in his 50s, he's a male Caucasian, cowboy.

- Okay listen up, until the firearms unit

have properly assessed the situation, keep your distance.

Under no circumstances should anyone attempt to contact

the hostage taker directly.

- I was merely pointing out the definition

of the word unique.

Please do not shoot the hostage.

- Incoming.

- It's Trish's shoe.

- It's Trish's handwriting.

They want a megaphone delivered to the roof

and Karl they want you to do it.

- I'll do it.

- No, Karl.

- Well you were the one who told me to man up.

- Well I meant work a bit harder

not turn into Bruce fucking Willis.

- Incoming.

It's Trish's other shoe.

- Trish also says

can you bring her shoes back up when you're...

- Oh yeah.

- There's a microphone hidden there so we can listen in.

Any information's useful to the firearms unit

so keep talking, understood?

- Understood.

- Right let's get you switched up.

- Karl, you can't do this.

- Natalie, I've made my decision.

I'm going up there.

- I mean literally, you won't be able to.

You're scared of heights, right?

- Not really.

- Do you not remember how you were when we got in that

glass lift at the bull ring?

- Okay maybe I'm a little bit scared of heights

and maybe I do have small hands.

And yes I did cry at frozen when the little snowman

nearly melted, but you know what Natalie,

sometimes a man's got to do what a man's got to do.

- Well at least we know your microphone's working.

- I'm not armed, I'm not armed.

- Karl, come and join the posse.

- Thanks Trish, who sits on an air vent

about five or six meters ahead of me.

- What?

- Huh, what, oh nothing he says taking three steps

away from the roof door.

- Stop talking like that.

- Alright then.

Gunman who is sitting next to Trish near the air vent

about five or six meters ahead of me.

- Stop.

- Aw come on, there's no room for ill feeling

in the rooftop gang.

- I brought what you asked for.

What's going on Trish?

- Kevin the cowboy demands an apology.

- Oh I'm really sorry for being rude

about your singing career.

For all I know you could be really good.

- Well Karl, you're about to find out.

- Am I?

- I'm giving Kevin a chance to prove to you,

to everybody, that he can sing.

Go ahead cowboy.

Sing your heart out.

This is your big moment.

Karl.

- Oh yeah, go on, follow your dreams.

- Oh thanks partners.

Right.

♫ I am a poor wayfaring stranger

♫ in this world I walk alone

- Trish, Trish, make a break for it.

- I'm not leaving him, Karl, listen to that voice.

It's beautiful.

- Trish!

♫ In that bright land to which I go

- Trish! ♫ And I'm going to see

- oh my god that's high ♫ my partners

- that is, oh my god that is high.

Oh my, oh no.

- Wait I'm hearing something else.

- Oh no, I'm going to die, that's it.

- It sounds like one of the hostages is being threatened.

Firearms unit standby for action.

- I'm going to die, oh no I'm going to die.

♫ Well I'm going home

- oh god he's torturing Trish!

- All units go go go.

- Put the gun down!

Get on the floor!

- I'm not the cowboy, he's the cowboy.

- Right, back off or I'll shoot the little lady here.

- I thought we were partners.

- Will you just shut up?

- I hate thin crust, I hate thin crust.

Yippee ki-yay cowboy!

- Oh no, no!

- Karl!

Oh thank god for that.

Right, that's it.

The milky bars are on me.

- Last time I trusted a cowboy

I got overcharged for my patio.

- Something wrong with your toilet, mate?

Paper won't flush.

- Shitty Nora.

- Karl that was very brave.

- Yeah?

Like princess Elsa brave.

- Princess Elsa brave.

- Oh.

- The center's going to be shut for the rest of the day, so

are you hanging out with the lads

or are you coming home with me?

- Definitely going with you.

- Good.

'Cause you know what you're going to get

for being such a brave boy?

- What?