All language subtitles for s2-2

- Ukraine pleaded for more
military aid and vehicles,

saying, "We are desperate,"

but when Katherine
Hastings offered

to ship them a
thousand Payne Hydras,

Zelenskyy replied,
"Not that desperate."

I'm not laughing at the joke.

It's just Zelenskyy's
a funny-sounding name.

- I didn't even do that.
- Yeah, it's like

they just say stuff to be funny.

- Can you guys
set this straight?

- You want me to release
a statement saying

we aren't trying to aid Ukraine?

- The fire is out, no one
got hurt by the pawls,

but Preppy McChipmunk won't
get his hand out of my skirt.

- It's not just Seth.

It's Fallon, it's Kimmel,
"The View," "The Talk."

- John Oliver did a full

20-minute segment
on you on Sunday.

- Let me guess, it was
smug and reductive.

- It was, actually.

- You know what, I should
have just taken the payout.

I could be on a beach right now

with my husband, but no.

Instead, we're
fighting all the time,

and everyone hates
me, and all because

I had to risk everything just

to save your jobs.
- "Save your jobs"

- We remember.
- So selfless.

- Katherine, this
just came for you.

- For me?
- Mm-hmm.

- It looks like someone
doesn't hate you.

- Uh, we... we scan
for mail bombs, right?

- Mm-hmm. They
got two dogs now.

- You want Sadie and me to work
on some image rehab ideas or...

- Uh, yeah, I guess so.

I mean, look, I'm not some,
like, insecure little girl

who needs everybody to like me.

It's just, I can't be
an effective leader

if I'm a national joke.

Ew, what is this
packing material?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

That's a pube! That's a pube!

That's
a box of pubes!

That's a box of pubes!

- The AC's sucking 'em
up. They're airborne.

- ♪ Bom bom
bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom
buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

- Whatever happened to
just sending anthrax

when you hated someone?

When did that go out of style?

- Isn't a box full
of pubes better

than a box full of anthrax?

- I honestly don't know.

- They're sweeping
up all the evidence.

We should be sending these pubes

to the lab and
catching this guy.

- Or girl.

- Jack, come on.

Girls don't even
have pubes anymore,

and if they did, not
these kind of pubes.

- Just from looking at it,

seemed like it came
from multiple people.

- They say those
little hairs really got

hooked into your carpet fiber,

so they gotta dig 'em out.

- Listen, Ian says that I
have to use social media more

so people see my human side.

What... what do you
think of this tweet?

- "Today's a great
day to buy a car

from your local Payne
Motor dealership."

"Hashtag car."

- You don't spell the hashtag.

- God, I hate this stuff.

I spent an hour trying
to write a funny tweet

about why the Flintstones
carried their cars

when they were just running.

But when you break
down that show,

that's just one of the things
that doesn't make sense.

- But you know, you
don't have to be funny.

You just have to be
real and authentic

and true to who you are.

- I love that.
- Mm-hmm.

- Great. Um, great.

So why don't you be authentic
and real and all that for me?

- You want me to
pretend to be you?

- Yeah, well, I
mean, just to tweet.

You don't
have to wear a skin suit

and my husband.

All right, username is

"Katherine Hastings."
- Mm-hmm.

- Okay, what if we
make her the victim...

- Right.
- Rough her up a little bit,

make it seem like an angry
customer attacked her?

- So you want to
Tonya Harding her?

- Yes. That's a good
way of putting it, yes.

- What if we put out a
video of her apologizing,

like, in her house
with her family?

People see her as, like,
a wife and a mother

who's truly sorry
for what happened.

- Mm, so it would be like, um...

"I'm so sorry.

"Please love me

and stop sending me
your pubic hairs."

- Yeah, s... so
no video. Mm-kay.

- She has you tweeting for her?

- Yeah, she was having
trouble coming up

with something
personal and authentic.

- Yeah, robots do have a tough
time simulating human emotion,

but the technology's
improving every day, so...

- Okay, so which
one should I post?

- Mm, God, I'd love to
keep figuring this out,

but sadly we've
arrived at my office,

and I'm sure you have work...
- It's okay, I got time.

Would you think she
would post Taylor Swift,

or you think she'd wanna
quote that "Lean In" lady?

Is that more her jam?

Taylor Swift.

- Ooh, another idea
would be having you do

a tree-planting campaign.

- Mm. Nature stuff's
so played out.

What else?
- Okay. Uh, ooh.

We think we could get you
on "Dancing with the Stars."

- Guys, I am not Jake
from State Farm, okay?

I'm looking for ideas that are
simple and timeless and real.

- What about an apology video?

- Apology video?
- Yeah, hear me out.

You at home being
sincere with your family

talking about how bad you feel,

leaning into the image
of you as a mother.

- What do you think, Sadie?

What do I think of
an apology video?

- Yeah.
- That's a great question.

Um... maybe I said...

It doesn't matter
who thought of that,

'cause we were brainstorming.

Yeah, maybe that's
a good... maybe.

- Maybe we should just
switch you to a simple

thumbs-up or thumbs-down system.

Nice work, Ian.
- Thank you.

- Okay, well, what about this?

What about if I write,

"Why do we stop chewing
grape gum when we get older?

Grape gum is fire."

And then I put the fire emoji.

- Not sure you want
to reference fire

after the literal
fire we caused.

- See, that's good. See?

See, that's why you
here, 'cause you smart.

Okay, how about "@TacoBell,
bring back those waffle tacos,

you cowards. #livemás"?

- It all sounds good.

I appreciate... I appreciate it.

All right, yeah.
- Sorry, what are...

- Come on in. Come
on in. No. Thank you.

I'm sorry. There's so
much stuff going on,

and I don't have an office.

I hope this is okay.

- Uh... yeah, sure.

Mm-kay. Yeah.

I actually... I wanted to
talk to you about something.

- Go for it.
- It's not a big deal,

but, um, when I suggested
that we do that video,

you were... I thought
that you were against it.

But then, like, you
pitched it to Katherine

kind of like it was your idea,
and I'm sure that was just,

like, a misunderstanding.

- No, it wasn't.

- What?
- Taking your idea.

I'm trying to take your job.

Do you want an M&M?

- No, thank you. No,
they're... they're my M&Ms.

What do you mean, you're
trying to take my job?

- Okay, listen, don't judge,

but I realized for the
price of my L.A. condo,

here I could be
like a land baron.

So I figure, get you
fired, take your job,

start looking at,
uh, open houses.

What the?

- Hey, I said don't
judge, and you're judging.

- Well, of course
I'm, uh, judging you.

You're a psychopath.

- Technically diagnosed
as a cluster B,

Axis II narcissist with
psychopathic tendencies.

Usually I'm so good at
mimicking human emotion,

no one has any idea.

- Wait, what?

- Wait, what?

Anyway, hey, I
gotta return a call.

Could you close the
door on your way out?

- On my w...

- Hey.
- This is my o...

- Andrew. Ian Osofsky.

Buddy, making a
video for a client.

I could use your
help. What do you got?

- I mean, he just
seems so normal.

- I read that, like, 10% of
executives are psychopaths.

It's what makes them
such effective leaders.

- Well, you can't just
sit back like some simp

and let him take your job, okay?

To beat a psycho,

you need to think like a psycho.

Blood.

"Helter Skelter."

Uh, Jack the Ripper.

- How does this help me?
- Shh.

Uh, Jeffrey Dahmer.

Mark Cuban.

Daymond John.

Lori Greiner.

- These are just people
from "Shark Tank."

Right?
- Yeah.

- The Payne fire is a tragedy

that never should have happened.

- Okay, can we do
something about the girl?

She looks like someone
disabled her Instagram account.

- Well, it's your video, bro.

- Why are you being weird?

- I'm being weird?

You're trying to get me fired.

- I told you that
is not personal.

It's a medical condition.

Would you be mad at a
blind man who can't see?

No, you would not.

I might be a psychopath,

but you're a not-nice person.

- Damn it!

What are you doing?

We're trying to make
Twitter accounts,

but I keep failing
the CAPTCHA tests,

and I'm starting
to question, like,

am I a robot?

- It doesn't matter
what I tweet, Cyrus.

Katherine's got no followers.

And no one's gonna follow her

unless other people retweet her.

But there's no one to
retweet her... why?

'Cause she ain't
got no followers.

- Ah, so the fake
accounts follow Katherine

so it looks like she has buzz.

- Aha.
- Congrats.

You've launched a
Russian troll farm.

- I found all the
traffic lights.

There are no more
traffic lights.

- Won't it look a
little suspicious

that all of Katherine's
followers signed up for Twitter

on the same day,
followed no one but her,

and have no other interests?

- You think a detective's
on this or something?

We're just trying to
trick a few idiots.

- If you want this to look
like they're real people,

you need to give them depth.

Okay? Slide over. Slide over.

Let a maestro do
his maestro thing.

- Okay.

- Is a motorcycle a bike?

Do you see
what I'm dealing with?

- There is nothing
more important

than the safety of your family.

And I say that
not just as a CEO,

but as a mother...

- Stepmother.
- A stepmother...

Maddie, honey.

Can we... can we take ten?
- On a ten!

- Maddie...
- Thank God.

- I swear to God.
- Richard, would you talk

to your daughter?
- I can... I can talk to her.

- I'll talk to her.

- I'm closer to her age.

- Well, I'm better
at this stuff.

- Dude, why are you
trying to be alone

with a teenage girl?

It's creepy.

- I'll handle it.

Gosh, this is so
basic.

Like, I knew it
was gonna be lit,

but it's almost, like... cheugy.

- Thank you for speaking to me
in a lingo I can identify with.

I feel truly seen.

- Sarcasm, yep.

Can you just be cool
for five minutes

so that we can get out of here?

Like, that's all we want.

We just want to get this done

and leave.

- Okay.

Let's just get this over with.

- Right?

Same page. Up high.

- Nope. I'm not
gonna high-five you.

Hey.

Listen, do not listen to her.

I do not agree.

I think she's the one acting

like a spoiled.

- She said that about me?

- Yeah, in a group
chat just a second ago.

But look, I tried to
defend you and said,

Sadie, it's not cool to call a
young girl a spoiled.

It's not right.

- Hey, I worked it
out with Maddie.

- Oh, Sadie, you're amazing.
- Good, thank you.

- All right,
everyone, let's roll.

- We're back,
everyone. Back in five.

- Now.
- Now! Ready now!

- everyone.
- I'm leaving.

Who's the now,?

- Hey, Maddie.

Maddie, wait.

- What did you say to her?

- I present Matthew Rollins, Jr.

Matthew is a libertarian atheist

doing his engineering
post-grad at San Diego State.

Go Aztecs.

And he's a volunteer
mountain rescuer.

He's also the guy
that just asked,

"If you were an animated
car in that Pixar movie,

what car would you be?"

And got a reply from
Payne Motors CEO,

Katherine Hastings.

And thus,

a conversation has begun.

- Oh, and you know who loves to
comment on all things Disney?

- Who? Give me a good name.

- Uh, Sasha.
- Who is she?

- A single mother of two,

colorblindness survivor,

and Minnie Mouse fanatic.
- I love it.

- And there could be a
guy named, like, Boomer.

Yeah.

- What were you
saying? Sasha...

- Sasha, yeah.
- Okay.

- Single mother of two.

- Nope. She's not
at her mom's either.

- She's 17, Richard.

She's probably at an
arcade or something.

- You know, there's
no arcades anymore.

- Yeah, it's all
oxycodone-fueled

sex parties, like "Euphoria."

- Hey, look, I can have another
girl here in 30 minutes.

- You wanna recast her daughter?

- We never say
it's her daughter.

If people assume the
girl sitting next to her

is her daughter, then
isn't that on them?

- I mean, that's true.
- Wait,

you're actually considering
replacing Maddie?

- Well, as an option.

- How fake can you be?

I mean, come on.

This is the most time

that you and I have
spent together...

- Okay, we don't need to...
- In, like, maybe all year.

And it's in this house
that isn't our house.

- Richard...
- And we're making some stupid

video about how real you are.

- I never said this would...
- You... you know what?

You like the fake house so much,

why don't you just live here,

'cause I'm done, and I'm
going back to our house...

Our actual house.

- Hey, look, I hope you
don't blame Sadie for this.

She did the best she could.

- The safety of your family
means everything to me.

Does it?

Does it really?

I can't help thinking
something feels

a little inauthentic
about that apology.

Why is that? Oh, right.

It's because that's
not her house.

It's a set where they shot
a T-Mobile commercial.

- T-Mobile, not gonna lie,

that one kind of stings.

- Okay, you know what,
I wanted to shoot it

in a different location...
- Actually, I think that

you wanted to shoot there.
- I don't think it's really

important who said what, Sadie.
- I'm gonna go vape

until I'm numb, and
when I get back,

I need a new list of ideas,

ideally ones that don't make me
into a national embarrassment.

Okay?

- Gavin Marvin Pendergrass.

- Ooh.
- He's erudite...

- Ah.
- Sophisticated, super likable.

You know, he's an intellectual,

but he also owns a jet ski.

I should
buy a jet ski.

- Okay, I see your Gavin,

and I raise you Kiana George.
- Who?

- You see, she's a
fierce Black woman

who loves sushi
and cozy mysteries.

And she got IBS, but she
don't let that define her.

- Wow.
- Mm-hmm.

- What are you guys doing?
- Ooh,

working on your Twitter account.

- It's not just an
account anymore.

It's a whole Katherine
Hastings Cinematic Universe.

- You wanna read some of these?

- Uh, no. I get it.

Emojicons, eggplants.
We're good.

- Okay.
- Carry on.

- If I'm being honest,
the Katherine character

is becoming my least favorite.

- Central characters
are always boring.

She's just a giant
piece of flavorless meat

with no seasoning.

- You're not pitching anything?

- Nope, 'cause I know Katherine.

She'll wanna take a
beat and reassess.

She doesn't wanna jump
into another bad decision.

- Hm.
- So what have we come up with?

- You know what, I think it's
important at a time like this

to take a beat,
you know, reassess.

We don't want to rush
into another bad decision

where it could blow
up in our faces.

- No. I hate just waiting.

This isn't the time to
sit around doing nothing,

like a condom in
Nick Cannon's wallet.

- I totally agree, and I've
been trying to tell him that.

We need to be proactive.

I thought maybe we could
get you on "Seth Meyers"

and just, like, show that
you're in on the joke.

- Sit down with
my biggest critic?

That's, uh...
- Stupid.

- Ballsy. If people
see us joking around

like old pals, I mean,
then it's okay to like me.

- You know, I'm just... I'm
just worried about, you know,

not seeming like
a serious person.

And plus, it'd take months
to get booked on that show.

- Well, I actually, uh...
I got a slot on Thursday,

if you want.

- Really? Book it.

Nice work, Sadie.

Oh, and book me really
good hair and makeup.

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

- So I hear we're both
from New Hampshire.

- Uh, well, we moved
when I was six,

but I still got
some Hampsha' in me.

- All right, pop quiz:
the thing in the wall

you drink water from,
what's that called?

- Oh, that's a... That's
a "bubblah," yeah.

That's a bubbler, yeah,

we got some wicked
good water in those.

- We got wicked good watah.

- It's going really well, huh?

It's fine.

- We gotta head up to the, uh...

To the White Mountains...

- The light's
catching her great,

hitting all the curves.
- Mm.

- So Benny and Natasha,

they're tweeting snarky
comments at each other

about Trump, right,
going back and forth.

But if you put the
politics aside,

they're not so different.

- Ooh, what about if
later on down the line

we have them realize that,
and then they start a romance?

- We should do that.
Let's workshop it,

'cause it's important.
- Political, sexy...

- Y'all are wild.

- What?
- As of this morning,

Katherine has over ten
thousand followers.

- Right! Go us!
- It's catching on.

All right. But who is your
favorite character, Jack?

See, I bet it was TJ, right,
'cause TJ comes to play.

Right, TJ's an
amalgam of characters

that I've experienced
in my own life...

- TJ is cool, but I got
to go with Anita, man.

- Ooh! She's one of mine.

I love Anita. That's me.

- Well, actually, we
came up with her together

I said nurse...
- The stuff Anita says

is so specific.
- Aww.

- Girl, you need to be a writer.

Yeah, I honestly

couldn't even tell
Anita was fake.

- You couldn't tell a
motorcycle from a bike, Jack.

Next time we're back,

we're gonna take the beater,

we're gonna go for a packie run,

you know, I'll...
I'll bang a U-ie,

and then, uh, we'll go
fishing for some hornpout.

- All right, that
sounds like a plan.

We'll be right back with more

from Katherine
Hastings after this.

I'm such
a big fan, by the way.

- Thank you.

- All the jokes you've
been doing about me,

they're so funny.

You know, they sting,

but you know, it's
in a good way.

It's in a good way.
I appreciate it.

I just think it's nice that we
can show people that we're...

- Um, look, uh,
I don't like you.

I mean, you endangered
people's lives.

And, uh, I didn't wanna have
you on the show tonight.

It's just that the
network thought

you would be good ratings.

But don't pretend this is
some sort of showbiz rivalry,

because I hope you go to prison.

- Huh.

- So you've been
having a tough month.

- "Fortune" magazine named you

the "Most Hated
CEO in America."

I mean, that's gotta sting.
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Well, I'm just glad that they
named me at all, you know?

"The Journal" just calls me
"She Who Must Not Be Named."

You know, like, um, Voldemort.

- Yeah, yeah, "Harry
Potter." Yeah, we get it.

- Yike-sters. Why is
she being so thirsty?

- I don't know.
Something's off.

Set fire
to the Quidditch pitch.

- Cringe city. I am so glad

I'm not the one that
suggested she do this.

- Dori, what is Eliza gonna do
about that snake in her toilet?

- Only Eliza knows
the answer to that.

I let my characters tell
me what they wanna do.

I just write it down.

- So Eliza wanted you

to tweet about her
favorite mixology bar,

even though she's a devout
Mormon that doesn't drink?

Seems inconsistent.

- People are
inconsistent, Cyrus.

Inconsistencies are what
give my characters depth.

- Personally, I thought it added

a whole new dimension to her...

- I just think that
you're so focused

on being funny and controversial

that you're sacrificing rich
character development...

- Cyrus, I have taken up
too much of your time.

Really, I have. And I know
you've got work to do.

- Well, I'm taking
my accounts with me.

- Oh, no, what'll I ever do
without all the characters

you clearly stole
from "Our Town"?

Yeah, you think I didn't notice?

- That got intense fast.

- Some people don't handle
other people's success well.

- Well, Seth, um, you've
been going after me

pretty hard, um, lately.

So in fact, I snuck
into your writer's room,

um, and I, uh, grabbed
some of the jokes

that you were going to be doing
about me tomorrow on the show.

- Gosh, you know, I think it's
going really, really badly.

- Hey, Hannibal Lector, no
one asked for your opinion.

- Okay, you know,
Hannibal's a problematic

character in our community.

They should have had one
of us play the role, but...

Hollywood.

- "According to a poll,

92% of Americans dislike
Katherine Hastings."

Oh.

"While the other
8% were run over

by their Hydras and couldn't
respond to the survey."

Oh.

That one was harsh.
- Yeah.

- You're gonna find another job.

I... I can recommend you
to an escort service,

and I think you'd do great
while you're young and still,

you know, kind of pretty.

- Lay off her, man.

- Wesley, it's fine.

- No, I... I'm sick of
him coming after you.

This woman, this beautiful,
kind, classy woman,

she would crush as an escort.

- Okay, that's not...
- No, it's... it's true.

You would, I swear to God.
- Wesley, don't help.

Don't help.

- You'd be very good.

- Thanks.

I'm cracking myself up.

Y'all, I made Katherine
a conspiracy nut.

- What?
- I have this character, Kyle,

who's a crazy QAnon guy, and
I was doing this whole run

about UFOs and, like, Tom
Hank's butthole and stuff.

And I realized I was
on Katherine's account.

- No.
- Wait, can't you just

delete the tweets?
- Yeah, 'cause that's

how the Internet works.
You just delete stuff,

and no one ever
digs it up again.

- Well, what if we
say she was hacked?

Right, that happens
all the time.

Like, we could start
posting a bunch

of racist, homophobic stuff.

Quick, Jack, get me
some pics.

- You talking about
from the Internet,

or you... you talking
about from me?

- It's your call, baby.

- There's some crazy stuff
on here though, yo, really.

- "Payne reportedly
considered firing Hastings,

"but Ford offered her a
job as a crash test dummy.

"I'm not saying she's
dumb, just that she's fake

and a lot of people want to
see her drive into a wall."

A lot here about how
much everyone hates me.

Don't feel like there's
a lot of variety.

Hey, I don't
come to your workplace

and tell you how to
cover up defective cars.

Well, yeah,

a lot of, um... A
lot of these are...

Are pretty real actually, yeah.

I mean, people hate me.

Try to pretend it
doesn't bother me,

but it does.

- Well, look, you know,
thanks for being a good sport.

Thank you for
being here. Kath...

- Do you know that
someone literally

sent me a box of pubes?

It was... it was a big box,

like what a toaster
would come in.

I mean, more... More
pubes than really one...

One person could make, unless
they were storing them up.

But you know what,
I don't blame 'em.

I'd probably send me
a box of pubes, too.

I messed up, you know?

No apology video or... or talk
show appearance can make up

for what I did, and you
know, I can't fix it.

But what I can do is promise

that it will never happen again.

- Amen to that. Katherine
Hastings, everybody.

We'll be right back.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but that was actually
pretty great.

You know what, go
yourself, Seth.

Next time, I'm
going on "Kimmel."

- Can't blame you.

- Did you see Seth's face?

I mean, I think he
actually felt bad.

- Mm-hmm.
- And maybe

a little in love with me.
- Mm.

I think anyone who sees
that is gonna love you.

- And red America
loves the QAnon tweets,

so you're hitting all the demos.

- Wait, what QAnon tweets?

- It's a long story.

- You know, I knew
you'd pull it off.

I kept saying, believe
in Katherine...

- He's a liar.

- I don't lie.
- Yes, you do.

Yes, you do. You
lie all the time.

He lies all the
time. And he's trying

to steal Sadie's job and
take credit for her ideas.

And he's a psychopath.
And he's a bully.

And he's mean. And I hate him.

- Hey.

- Okay. Well, I'm, um...

I'm sorry that he
was mean to you.

But, um, his job here is done,

so you really won't
have to see him anymore.

- Oh.

Okay, oh, yeah.
Yeah, of course.

You know, now that I've
resolved this issue,

I guess Mary Poppins
just moves on

to some more children
that need me to help them.

- Okay? You feel better now?

- Uh-huh.
- Bye, Mary.

It's been a pleasure.

- How gross was that?
- Yeah.

- "Katherine, Ian's
being mean to Sadie."

- I can handle my
own problems, Wesley.

- I hate a tattletale.

It's, like, just so
hard to respect a person

when they're being a whiny
little bitch, you know?

- Totally. It's
not a good look.