Original subtitles

Okay, everybody, everybody? Um, quick heads-up.

I presume some of you may have heard some of these accusations

that have been flying around about defective pawls

and a cover-up, et cetera.

Well, if there is an investigation,

we may receive a "preservation of evidence" order.

That makes it illegal for you to destroy any documents, okay?

Second heads-up: we actually haven't received one yet, okay?

So, um, you know, at this moment in time,

the destruction of documents is not presently a crime, so...

Our stock's already down 20%.

This is the worst day of my life.

Yeah, a lot of people are hurting right now.

Yeah, but I'm being hurt the most, you know,

'cause I own the most stock. - Huge discovery this morning:

McDonald's sells bagels. - Hmm.

How you guys holding up?

I may have to get rid of Rosalita.

- Your housekeeper? - What? No.

Mayra's my housekeeper, and sometimes her daughter helps.

Rosalita's my catamaran.

She's a 42-foot Crowther,

and now I don't know if I can afford to keep her.

- Wow. - Yes, not fair, exactly.

If you have deleted

any sensitive files off your computer,

don't worry: the authorities will be able to retrieve them,

you know, unless you happen to run your hard drive

through an industrial-grade degausser...

Like the one located

in room 261 of the IT department.

Now, some of you may be wondering,

"Elliot, what's with the power drill?"

♪ Bom bom bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

All right, for the next couple of days,

or as long as this little crisis lasts,

this is officially our...

- Wah-room? - What?

No, war room.

It does look like wah-room.

- Yeah. - You want me to rewrite it?

Everyone knows what it says, all right?

Will you just put it up, please?

You want me to take it to the print shop?

I can make it look more professional.

Eh, don't bother.

By the time they finish, this thing will all be over.

Oh, everyone's met Ian, right?

He's the best crisis manager out there.

He got us through a lot of thorny stuff at York,

and he has also worked with-- - Eh, bah-bah-bah.

We don't talk about other clients,

but let's just say I am his top gun,

and to make him seem normal is a mission impossible.

All right, so we are in very good hands.

All right, my SEO guys

are working to choke this story out.

When you Google "Payne scandal,"

all you're gonna get is 15 articles on Wesley

going to a college Halloween party

dressed as Whoopi Goldberg. - Oh...

It wasn't Whoopi. I was a Rasta guy.

All right, where are we with the bad pawls?

- That's some good news. - Mm.

We stress-tested them,

and even though they weren't technically rated

for the weight of the Hydra, they were able to hold it.

I went on the NHTSA database, all right?

Prior to the interview airing,

the number of complaints about Hydras rolling out of park

was in line with any other car. - Okay, score one.

Just because nothing terrible has happened yet

doesn't mean it's not going to.

I think we should still do the recall, to be safe.

I agree. We should get ahead of this.

Shocker--Jack and Sadie are on the same side.

It's like, "Have sex already."

I mean, you already did have sex,

so it's like, "Do it again already,"

in front of us or something-- could you imagine?

Here's my card for when you need it.

It's gonna look shady if I go to the press and I say,

"Oh, the pawls totally work.

Oh, but, also, we're doing a recall."

Yeah, you shouldn't be talking to the press at all.

Anyone we throw out there right now would be savaged.

Oh, yeah, like one of those videos

where you see, like, a bear tear a person apart.

Uh, it's normally in Russia, so don't worry.

- Oh. - All right, if somebody's

gonna jump on the grenade, it should be me.

Great, 'cause I was gonna say that I could do it, but--

Fine. Sadie'll talk to the press.

You said you'd--

Yeah, I'll do it.

Love to. Happy to. - Okay, perfect.

I know this is stressful,

but if there is one thing that I know about myself,

it is that I don't lose. - Mm-hmm.

We will get through this.

Oh, [bleep]. Jesus, that's awful.

Oh, it's just how I imagined it.

- Second breakfast? - Third.

I eat when I'm stressed.

I was up all night Googling corporate scandals.

People go to jail.

This isn't some giant pyramid scheme, all right?

We--we put a wonky part in a few mid-range crossovers

and got called out for it.

So you're not worried they'll need a fall guy

and it could be one of us?

Well, it's not gonna be me.

Anytime I find myself in a legally dubious situation,

I write myself a contemporaneous memo.

So I have one dated from that night saved on my computer

saying that I advocated for a recall.

But you said we shouldn't do a recall.

Oh, Cyrus.

That's not how my memo remembers it.

Ta-ta.

Ugh. I hate this.

Why'd you volunteer if you didn't want to do it?

I was trying to look good in front of Katherine.

I mean, it's like offering to split the check on a date.

You don't think they're gonna take you up on that.

Uh, I let the lady pay for the whole thing.

It shows that I'm worth it.

Knock, knock. Ready to face the mob?

Yes, just going over my statement here.

Great. Let me take a look here.

No.

Nope. Uh-uh.

Huh-uh. Huh-uh.

Uh-uh.

All right.

There you go. Godspeed.

Ian, you kind of crossed out a lot here.

I'm sorry, Sadie.

How many companies have you saved from bankruptcy?

Um, to my knowledge, zero.

And I'm assuming most of the press conferences you do

are cutesy fun things,

like factory openings, charity events,

where wheelchair kids get to meet John Cena.

We don't call them "wheelchair kids."

Fine, but you're in my world now,

where the more you say,

the more they can attack.

So you say nothing and admit even less.

Got it?

We just call them kids.

See, I wrote the memo months ago.

It was about how I wanted to recall the Hydra,

but for some reason, it says I wrote it today,

and I need it to say I wrote it back then.

So you want me

to violate the fundamental rules of space-time?

That's a good one.

No, I just need you

to make it look like it was written back then,

contemporaneously.

- Oh. Mm. - Oh, uh-huh?

- Got it. - Mm-hmm.

You want me to alter the metadata

to help you commit fraud.

This has been fun, Chloe. You're fun.

You can go now.

Sadie, did Katherine Hastings know

the cars contained defective locking pawls?

Well, Nate, that assumes that the pawls were defective,

which we're not saying.

It also implies that the Hydra's a car,

when, actually it's a light SUV, so...

Andrea.

Uh, yes, there are currently

more than one million Hydras on the road.

Oof, according to you.

No, according to your website.

Well, I don't make the website.

Or do I?

No definitive answer on that.

Excuse me.

Are you hot?

Mmm, mmm!

I don't drink enough water...

just in my-- sorry--day.

How would you say this is going?

The flop sweats don't really help her credibility.

It's super unattractive.

Guys, there's no story here.

A story is when something happens,

and, literally, nothing has happened.

Man, it's beautiful up here, huh?

Look at that view.

- The car's rolling! - What?

- The car's rolling! - Oh, my God!

It's gonna hit!

Oh, my... - Dad, make it stop!

Boys, back up! Back up!

This whole thing is just-- it's all smoke and no fire.

In just a short time, the Payne Wildfire

has scorched over 10,000 acres

and remains zero percent contained.

Uh, hey, Cyrus, what happened

to "we stress-tested the pawls, they can hold the Hydra"?

They can if it was just the weight of the car,

but those people loaded it down

with, like, 300 pounds of camping gear.

Great. So we'll just warn people

the Hydra's perfectly safe

unless you put anything into it,

at which point it becomes an absolute death trap.

Elliot, why you scratching-- what's wrong with your face?

- Ew, is that herpes? - Uh-uh. How can it be herpes?

He's not having sex with anyone.

Uh, okay, first of all,

it absolutely could be herpes, all right?

I could have loads of herpes,

but it is hives from the stress.

Okay, guys, there is no need to stress.

According to six different meteorologists,

the wind is shifting.

The fire's gonna burn out in two days, max.

What is done is done.

All we can do now is figure out

the best way to move forward.

Ian, what do you advise? - Off the top of my head:

hire a PI, dig up some dirt on the people in the video.

Was the dad high? Was he drunk? Was he even their dad?

Because all I saw was a grown man,

potentially high, in the woods with two boys, filming.

This whole thing-- this is why we should've done

a total recall from the start.

Oh, "Total Recall"-- "I'll be back."

I'm with Jack.

We've been saying we should've done the recall

from day one.

You said we shouldn't do the recall, Cyrus.

Um, no, Jack, I definitely was one of the people who said

that we should do the recall.

You said, "We better not do it."

We're gonna do the recall now, okay?

Let's do the recall now.

Sadie, why don't you announce it at the press conference?

Oh, I-I'm going back out there?

I mean, Ian can jump in, if you want.

No. No, no. No, I've got it.

I loved--I loved it.

And, honestly, that was a no-win situation.

That wouldn't have gone well even if you'd done a good job.

Yes, exactly.

Hey, Katherine.

Uh, so I know I didn't do so great

with the press the other day. - Eh...

Yeah, you got your butt smacked a little,

but, I mean, look, it happens to the best of us--

sometimes by choice, actually.

Yeah, I just got in my head,

but I really want to do a good job for you out there,

so, I mean, if you've got any pointers...

Just take charge up there.

You're a strong woman.

I am?

I mean, I know that I am.

I just--I didn't think that you--

Look, sometimes, sure, you come off a little bit at first

like, you know, one of Cinderella's mice on speed.

You know, like, "Oh, we can do this, and we can do that,

and...

Right? But underneath that, there is a wolf, okay?

That's the scary bitch I want you to be.

Okay, want me to be, like, a scary wolf bitch out there?

Yeah, perfect.

Do that, and you'll be great. - Okay.

Oh, and double up on the antiperspirant.

It was starting to look like some kind of bad

menopause drug commercial.

Ah.

God, okay.

Mmm.

You don't break those up first?

- What's the difference? - It's just weird.

I've never seen someone eat a Kit Kat like that.

I feel like

I was just starting to prove myself to Katherine,

and then I fall apart on live TV.

I mean, I wasn't sweating that much, though, was I?

No, no more than your average Southern 1920s country lawyer.

We all react differently to pressure.

You sweat. I snack.

Elliot... starts to rot.

Yeah, and I can't stop working out.

It's like I'm trying to run away from the guilt.

I've already lost six pounds.

You're a very annoying person to be around.

What I want to know is, how is Katherine staying so calm?

Like, we're all falling apart,

and she's becoming the best version of herself.

Well, that's what being a CEO is, you know.

You need to be able to eat pressure, let it nourish you.

Just break it into pieces.

- Why do you care? - It's bothering me.

Oh, don't.

Don't you bite it. Get--

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my God.

Okay, I'll kill the "Bloomberg" story.

I have dirt on an editor there. He's a sick pup.

Katherine, Soren's office has called twice.

They want to set an emergency meeting.

- Soren? - Chairman of the Board.

They were already after my job.

I doubt they're calling to tell me that a scandal

and a plummeting stock price have made them reconsider.

Look, my advice is, push them off.

Even if they are thinking about replacing you,

when you fix this crisis, you'll show what you're worth.

It's true. Every disaster presents an opportunity.

This fire could be my Chernobyl.

Uh, that one didn't go well, though, right?

- Yeah, but it could've. - But it didn't.

Yeah, but it will.

Okay. All right. Positive Chernobyl.

Chernobyl.

I keep refreshing my news feed,

waiting for them to get this fire out.

It's awful.

Look, whatever happens, you're gonna be taken care of.

You're like family.

Worst comes to worst, come work for me.

Work for you? Doing what?

I don't know. You could be my...

style guy/personal assistant.

It'd be like "Entourage," where I'm the "star"

and you're my best friend who also works for me.

We could be double-teaming girls

in my hot tub every night.

Yeah, I don't remember that happening on "Entourage."

It did, offscreen. But how awesome would that be?

You'd be my Turtle. - Yeah.

Yeah, thanks. I'll think about it.

Would you rather be E?

I just figured Turtle's the closest one to a Black guy.

Mm.

- Sadie. Miss Ryan. - Sadie, are you concerned

that Payne will lose customers over this?

Uh, well, let's see, you've lost most of your readers,

and you're still in business.

Tom.

Do you accept responsibility for the fire?

Do you accept responsibility for your weak chin?

Wow, attacking a reporter's physical appearance--

not what I would've done.

I mean, I told her to be aggressive,

but this is just catty.

You know, and you're gonna feel like an idiot, Tom,

like an absolute moron

because you and your Chicken Little friends here,

you're bitching and whining,

when I guarantee that this fire

will be out in two days, so f--

That was one week ago,

but the Payne Fire continues to rage on,

now covering over 100,000 acres

and zero percent contained.

Smoke and ash from the inferno is drifting

across the country,

reddening the skies over Payne,

as we continue wondering,

what did they know, and when did they know it?

Welp, who would've thought the weather geeks had

no [bleep] damn clue what they were talking about?

But, you know, there's always black swan events

that you can't predict, right? - Uh, more bad news:

my PI couldn't dig up any dirt on that family.

Apparently they were his kids,

and no one was molesting anyone.

Gosh, you really cannot win them all.

Also, our share price stumbled another 12%,

and Biden called us "a blight on our national honor."

Wow. Little harsh there, Joe, right?

All right, onward and upward, right?

Thanks, guys. - Okay, yeah, back at it.

Yeah.

How are you doing with all this?

I know you're dealing with a lot.

- Me? - Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry about me.

If you ever want to talk about it,

you know, just as, like, friends...

I know we're not friends, technically.

I don't want to overstep, but we could be more--

Don't have to put a label on it.

Look what came for the conference room.

Oh, see, things are looking up already.

I still see wah-room.

Uh, hey, guys?

Uh, some of our internal emails

have been leaking to the press, and it really sounds

like we're running around with our hair on fire.

It's embarrassing.

So maybe please stop using the terms like, uh,

"disaster," "clunker," "dumpster fire,"

"bloodbath," "death wagon," "Satan's wet dream,"

and, of course, "[bleep] show," "[bleep] sandwich,"

"[bleep]storm," and "[bleep] fire."

Uh, what's a [bleep] fire?

I can only assume it's a fire made of [bleep]--I don't know.

Checks out.

I am not a bad person.

I don't want things to burn.

Is that what you guys think,

that, like, I'm on the fire's side,

that I'm some mean fire lady?

This is hard.

Do you know how hard this has been for-- like, for me?

And not that-- It's not about me. I...

I'm just--next question.

Oh, God.

Thank you. You have no idea how good that feels.

That is making me physically ill.

Oh, right, yes, it's my dermatological condition

that's making you feel sick and not the fact that you're eating

cake topped with butter.

It's not cake. It's a muffin.

A chocolate muffin is cake.

It just has a little jacket around it.

How the hell does she remain so calm?

She the one with the job in jeopardy.

Meanwhile, we the ones falling apart.

- Okay... - Nothing gets to her.

You look like you're doing okay.

I'm not. I haven't pooped once since all this started.

It's been over a month.

I don't know where it goes.

I guess it just, like... evaporates or something.

What day is it?

- Wednesday. - Yeah.

No.

Friday? - Mm.

I can't do any more press conferences.

I feel like I'm in one of those movies

where you replay the same day on a loop,

but somehow I'm learning less each time.

It's been pretty rough.

Don't laugh. It's...

You try embarrassing yourself on national TV.

Uh, you mean like that time I was on a news program

and I talked about how into a coworker I was?

To which she replied...

- That's not what I did. - Uh, it's pretty close.

- That's not what I did. - It's pretty close.

You know my friends still make fun of me

for getting denied in prime time?

- I wasn't denying you. - I'm joking.

No, but I'm just saying, it wasn't, like, personal.

- Hmm. - You know, if we didn't work

15 feet from each other, then who knows?

So, if Payne goes out of business

and we all go to prison, then...

Just give me a call when you get out.

That's something to look forward to.

Night. - Night.

Hundreds of exhausted firefighters

are working into the night battling the Payne Fire,

which is now the largest in the history of the state.

Wait. Stop. Is--is that us?

No, that's some fat guy.

... have been forced to abandon their homes.

Oh, my God, I'm the fat guy.

Okay, guys, let's stay on task.

Sadie... - Mm.

How close are they to putting out the fires?

Last I heard, they're 2% contained,

but, you know, 2% of 300,000 acres--that's a lot.

Yes, I like that optimism.

Okay, where are we with regulatory, Elephant Man?

Uh, yeah, um, fat stack of fines

and a congressional investigation, I think.

Our stock's already at an all-time low.

I had to sell my boat.

Now I'm a guy with just one boat,

like a frickin' cuck.

How about the recall, Professor Klump?

Yeah, um, the recall is going slower than expected,

and, also, it's more expensive than we expected.

- Oh, my God. - Oh.

Guys, come on, it's not that bad, right?

I mean, Ian, I'm sure you've dealt

with way worse situations than this.

Uh, no.

Mm.

Okay, well, uh,

I guess tomorrow morning, we will reconvene.

Uh, you got a meeting with Soren in the morning.

I couldn't put him off anymore. He's coming in person.

Ah.

Wow, he's, uh, flying in for the meeting.

Oh.

Must be important.

Well, he probably doesn't want to fire you over Zoom.

Okay, like I'm the only one in here thinking it.

Maybe--maybe he just wants to see the frogs.

- What frogs? - You haven't been outside?

There's all these frogs from the Detroit River

trying to get away from the smoke.

Yeah, they're everywhere.

They got into my kitchen, just ribbiting all night.

Wait. I'm sorry, did you say "frogs"?

- What--what's so funny? - I mean, it's funny.

These frogs?

Every time, I think to myself,

"This is as bad as it can get," right?

And then, nope, frogs.

It's biblical, you know?

I mean, there's fires, darkness, a guy with boils.

T-they're hives.

And now frogs!

Ooh, and my boat--that could be, like, a Noah thing.

It's--it's gonna be okay.

No, no, no, it's not gonna be okay, okay?

We all know it's not gonna be okay.

I mean, I tell you guys it's gonna be okay.

And you know why? - 'C--'cause you don't lose?

No, I tell you it's gonna be okay

so that you all don't panic, okay?

I mean, outside, I'm all like,

"Hey, guys, everything's gonna be just fine.

Brighter days tomorrow. Cheer up, okay?"

Do you want to know what I'm thinking inside?

Would you like to know what I am thinking inside?

Yeah, yeah.

!

We're [bleep]!

We're all [bleep]!

All of us are [bleep]!

All right!

Well, I'd say I'd see you tomorrow,

but my money's on an asteroid destroying the planet

by morning.

You're a nation of inbreds! That's why you lost the war!

Hey.

You meet with Soren yet? - Not yet.

But I got the heads-up this morning: I'm out.

- Oh, I'm so sorry. - Please don't be.

It is fine.

I mean, my lawyer says

that my early-termination penalties are so broad,

they're gonna end up paying me more than I would've made

in five years of actually working here, so...

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

Jeez, I got to check my contract.

Yeah, I think I am due for some well-earned self-care.

Spend some time with Richard... - Yeah.

You know, read, travel,

drink Bellinis on the beach at dawn.

I'm happy for you.

- Thank you. - Oh.

Thank you for everything.

- You're welcome. - Yeah.

And you're welcome, too.

Yes, right, thank you for everything.

Absolutely are welcome.

Was it one of those little,

polite "thanks, sweetie" type hugs?

No, it was like an actual, genuine embrace.

How did she feel?

I feel like she'd feel cold,

like hugging Elsa from "Frozen."

No, just normal.

She was happy. I think this is a good thing for her.

Oh, it's the end of an era, you know?

Not a very long one, but, uh-- but an era nonetheless.

- Yo. - Mm?

I just had a telehealth visit,

and doctor said if I don't poop soon,

they're gonna have to medically induce the poop out of me.

We, uh, added a little bonus for bowing out graciously.

It's more than generous.

Well, I'm sorry about all this.

There's just a lot of very angry shareholders,

so a few heads have to roll.

A few heads?

I knew about my head.

I didn't realize that there would be other...

Any specific heads or just any old head?

Not many, just, you know, whoever knew about the pawls.

Yeah, um, Cyrus Knight,

Elliot Chisholm, Sadie Ryan,

a few others. - Okay.

Anyway, thanks for everything,

and we wish you luck.

Give us six months.

- I'm sorry? - Yeah, six months.

Let me keep my team.

If--if we can't get the stock price

back to where it was before all this happened,

then I will walk, and you don't have to pay me a dime.

Hang on.

Best-case scenario--

you work your ass off to make less

than what you already have on the table in front of you,

or you lose everything.

Oh. Hey.

- Hey. - Hey, there she is.

- Come here, you. - No.

- Oh. - I'm gonna be sticking around.

- Hey. - I sweet-talked them.

- Wow! - That's great.

What happened to self-care?

Let's just say I cared more about something else.

- Huh. - Hmm.

Basically, they were gonna fire all you guys,

and I threw myself on a grenade to save your jobs.

It was very heroic, and you all owe me big-time, so...

Uh...

Huh.

I am not gonna forget it.