Original subtitles

I'm back

Hi... God I missed you

Ok, get in

So how was the trip? How was the guy?

What can I say? It was hot, it was intense it was nice, it was comfortable

it was boring, it was irritating it was over. I couldn't stand him

I'm sorry to hear that I was hoping you would fall in love

- Oh, I did - Tell me

Grace, I found the perfect

pair of jeans I'm serious. They're perfect

They conceal from the world everything

which is flawed and evil and show only that which is true and plump

I've spent my entire life looking for a bra that'll do that

How 'bout you? How's Nathan?

Mmm... In a word... Bootylicious

Oh, it's so good and the sex--

- He likes it, doesn't he? - He does

- Even though you're a girl - I know. Crazy, isn't it?

And he does this thing--

Guys, bootylicious is in the room

The Third Wheel Gets the Grace

- Morning, sweetness - Hey, precious

Sorry, I thought you were Grace

Well, hold that thought

Well... Hold that robe closed

So, you don't happen to know where she is?

Oh, breakfast with her boyfriend Will

Right now, they're probably doing that real cutesy thing

where they nibble on a piece of bacon until they meet in the middle

"I missed you. I love you I missed you, too."

Anyway, I think that's where they're at

Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to be threatened by her friendship with Will

Well, I think it's great

I've tried to have women friends but they always end up pregnant

I jest

Well, you're a bigger man than I

Of course, I jest, too

Well... It's good but it's not as good the--

- That place off the Rue de la-- - Yeah, I know

Something about the way they--

Yeah, and is the guy still there?

Oh, the guy that-- Spoke like this?

That was good

I am telling you, Nate they're joined at the unhip

Morning, sweetie

Your thoughtful girlfriend brought you a turkey and cheese croissant

I'm a vegetarian

Which is why your thoughtful girlfriend ate it

Oh, oh, yeah, ok, no

What you two do behind closed doors is your business, ok

but flaunting that lifestyle like you're doing right now is just plain ge-ross

We're not gonna hide who we are, ok?

I mean, we date we're straight, get used to it

Well?

What do you think?

Nice

Do they sell men's clothes where you got those?

You don't know anything These are fantastic French jeans

And by the way, what happened to "welcome home, Will?"

Hmm... Welcome home, Will

How 'bout the fact that

since you last saw me I have fathered a 12-year-old boy

Yeah

While you were out of the country discovering the gay jean...

I was here raising my son

Would it have killed you to acknowledge that the boy exists

or were you too busy high-kicking it with Nicky Kidman at the Moulin Rouge?

What are you talking about? I sent Elliot French comic books

video games you can't get in the U.S. at least six pounds of chocolate

Those were for him?

Yes

And a t-shirt that said "Paris" on it

You mean this?

How inappropriate to buy a 12-year-old boy a belly shirt

It would have fit him

Well, don't you have the answer for everything, Mr. French

Welcome back

Later on, let's catch a sad movie with a gay undercurrent

- I love those jeans - Thank you

I wore them to my bat-mitzvah after party(bat-mitzvah:������ �ҳ���� 13�� �� ������ ���� ����Ƿ�)

These are men's jeans

Willard, relax It's a very smart-looking pant

It'll save you having to tell people you're gay

Hey, anyway, we better get going We're gonna be late for yoga

- Ooh... - What?

Um, I'm sorry

Uh, I sort of promised Will that we were gonna do mannies

and peddies this morning You want to come?

Hm. What's the use?

I sit for an hour, and then the second I take my keys out of my purse

my tips are shot to hell

You two have fun and I'll see you at dinner

- Ooh... - What?

Um... Well, I was just thinking that since it's Will's first night back

that we should go to the Chinese restaurant that he loves

- The place with the-- - No, they closed down

- I'm talking about the-- - I love that place

Ok, so, we're still on for this weekend, right?

Ooh...

What? ?

Um, this--this weekend is the big sale at Barney's

Um, Will and I have done it every year since college

I mean, the-- the whole reason Will came back from Europe early is

to go to the Barney's sale

Grace, you say it that way you make me sound so queer

How did you want me to say it?

The Barney's sale

Grace Adler Designs

Oh, hi, Stanley

No, I'm not doing anything

Sure, ok You want to start now?

Ok. Yeah, I'm naked

Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm

Oh, already? Well, good for you!

Ok. Great. Ok, sweetie Well, call me later. Ok

- Miss Karen - Oh! Oh

You scared the hell out of me

I thought you were the Chupacabra(chupacabra : ������ �����Ͽ� ��ƸԴ� ��Ȯ�� ����ü)

What are you doing here, anyway?

Don't you remember what today is?

Yeah. It's national Scrub Your Toilet day

and I think you should get home and start celebrating!

What do mean coming here with a--!

Oh, are those for me?

Oh, honey... They're almost beautiful

"Thank you for 15 years Happy anniversary."

Oh, Rosie...

I can't believe I forgot our anniversary

I'm so sorry Let me make it up to you

Come on

They're having a big sale at Barney's this weekend

Here, take my charge card

go down to the men's department and buy yourself some new shoes

By myself? It's our anniversary

For 15 years I kept a home for you

I've dragged your gin-soaked ass out of bed

I've given you the breath of life three times

Oh... All right all right

You don't have to go getting all sentimental on me

I'll go with you

And now, ladies and gentlemen I'd like to introduce my next guest

Celebrating his last day of summer vacation

soon to be seen in the seventh grade

Ladies and gentlemen please help me welcome my son

Elliot!

How you folks doing tonight? I love playing the main room

Can we please stop doing this?

Hey, Rose hips I want you to meet someone

This is my biological son, Elliot Elliot, this is my ex-wife, Rosario

- Hello, little man - Hola

Ok, time to go, kiddo I told your mom you'd be back by 2:00

You ok to get home? You need anything? You need any money?

No, I'm fine How 'bout you?

You need any money?

Oh, Elliot He's crazy

Actually, I might want to get a hot dog later on

There you go

- Ok, um... No, I just need one - Take two just in case

You're a good son

Come on, mijo I'll take you to a bus stop

You can ride on the back of my moped

Karen, I'm not gonna lie to you I'm worried

My hair's never looked better but am I a good dad?

I mean, I want so badly for him to like me, but I can't tell if he does

Well, honey

you know if you want people to like you you have to buy them things

Karen, that is so superficial

- Honey, why do you like me? - What do you think I should get him?

Well, school's starting soon

How 'bout a nice flask or a pencil box with a false bottom?

No... Something he needs

Like back-to-school clothes

I wonder what the kids are wearing these days

Probably not leg warmers and jazz pants, like when I was a kid

Well, hey, I've got an idea

I'm going to the Barney's sale with Rosario this weekend

Why don't you just come along?

Well... I'll need a little money from the ATM

Denied Denied

Approved

- Hey, where's my best girl? - Here I am!

I meant Grace I'm supposed to take her to lunch

Your girlfriend's gone She went to lunch with her husband

That is ridiculous

I mean, I wake up the other night and there's a third person

in bed with us Can you imagine that?

Ok, wrong question

I mean, I'm her boyfriend and she keeps canceling on me

How would you like it if the person you were seeing kept blowing you off?

Again, wrong question

Nathan, why are you so upset?

Well, I'm sick of feeling like the third wheel

I-I'm tired of this arrangement

What--what arrangement?

You two Your whole little thing

with the "why" and the "huh" and the "no" but the "yeah" but the "I."

It's enough already

Ok, look, I-- I think I-- I think I know what you're talking about

Nathan, I am so, so sorry

Look, we're doing it again It's just like the time that--

I know, and if you recall, after Danny

- you promised-- - Well, not so much as a promise--

Stop it!

I know Will's your friend but I'm your boyfriend...

And I want a special restaurant with you

Fine

I want a secret language with you / Fine

And I want to go to that Barney's sale with you

Ooh

What?

Have you seen Grace around marked-down cashmere?

It's like the-- the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan

Oh, I like 'em, honey They really make your apron pop

Happy anniversary

Hey, you, underachiever, wrap 'em up

Wait, wait, wait They're nice...

But I think I should go with the Bass Weejuns

You know, preppy's back (preppy look : ���� ���� ��Ż�ϰ� ���ϰ� �Դ� �м�)

For God's sake, make a choice

I've got drinks piling up on my desk and a stack of pills I have even opened yet!

Grace, it's noon We've been here since eight A.M

When do we get to take a break?

Sweetie, I told you this is a marathon

not a sprint Are you staying hydrated?

Here, eat a banana

Excuse me. Hi

Did you get those jeans here?

Oh, actually, I got 'em in France

Really? They're great I would love to get a pair

- Well, they're men's jeans - Heh heh. Well, if you say so

You and I, we have to stay focused

You know how sharks are eating machines?

We are shopping machines That means all we do

is shop and poop, shop and poop, got it?

So, what are we gonna do now?

God, I hope it's shop

Now, feel free to pick out whatever you need for school supplies

Moisturizers, hair gels body glitter--

All your seventh grade essentials

Uh, maybe I should just get some pants

Great. Who do you like?

Gucci, Pucci, Fiorucci Stanley Tucci, hootchie cootchie?

Nothing's too good for my boy

- Uh, I kind of like baggy shorts - Ahh... What else do you like?

Do they have any hockey jerseys? / Ahh...

Lord, I knew I was brough t into this boy's life for a reason

P.S.-- Give me a sign if you think I should get some highlights

- I'll give you $100 for them - 120

130

These are men's pants!

They were made for men

You gotta have a Y-chromosome and an appetite for war to even put 'em on

Ok, does this make me look fat? / A little

What? What? Did you really just say that?

Don't you want to look a little fatter?

Try again

Uh... Well you're very skinny, Grace

Well, Nathan, what are you saying? Am I fat or am I skinny?

Um, I... I'm afraid to go on

- 150! - 155!

Oh, all right Look

come here Come over to the mirror. All of you

You see?

Everything about them indicates "men's jeans."

The way they ride low on the hip the thoughtful flare athe shoe

the handmade copper ingots

and look, there's a little secret compartment in here

for your thumb or a... a tube of lipstick

Do I hear 160?

No, no. they're a little Sex and the City

Maybe I should look at the boots

What are you talk-- They're fine

They almost make your calves and your ankles look like

two separate entities

Maybe I should get a coat instead... Or a blouse

- You want to get lunch and come back? - Oh, for God's sake, just pick something

I have been standing around here all day

with these low-end discount-shopping freaks

Oh, not you, honey You're perfection

But I'd rethink the yellow It's making you look a little "hepi b."

Now, listen to me I'm not standing around here

for one more minute while you--

Oh, lady, put a cork in that whine

I'm trying to make a decision

What is going on with you?

You've never had a hard time spending my money before

- You want the truth? - Not if it's long

What if I said I didn't want any of these things?

I'd say you were crazy

What if I said I've just been stalling so I could spend more time with you?

I'd say you were a lesbian

What if I said that's all I wanted for our anniversary?

I'd say you were a crazy lesbian

Well, it's the truth That's all I wanted

Wh-- You-- You wanted to be with me because you like me?

OK. This is getting a little bit too real

Here, buy anything you want I gotta get out of here

I can't breathe

Karen?

Can't talk-- feeling something

- Elliot, what do you think? - I don't know, Jack

Well, I do

It's the perfect outfit for the first day at school

So get out here and let me see what it looks like / Ok

Haley Joel Osment you look fantastic!

Do you really think so?

Well, yeah, the kids at your school would kill for this look

That's what I'm afraid of-- I will be killed

What's the matter? Don't you like it?

I look like Ricky Martin

So you do like it

Oh, that's a bad thing

I'm sorry

Well, that's all right If you don't like it

we can get something else Go change / Ok

I just think wearing leather pants to P.E. would be a mistake

Then, why did you say you liked it when I picked it out for you?

Well, you seemed so excited about them

and....

What?

I just wanted you to like me

Well, you don't have to get these clothes for me to like you, Elliot

I do like you We're--we're good

- We are? - Yeah

You know, besides, I'm your father I may need a kidney one day

I guess this is where I give you a little hit on the shoulder

Remind me to teach you how to hit like a girl

Come on, let's go get some clothes somewhere else

Where do you want to go?

- Uh, there's a Target near my house - Great, let's go there

Yeah, it's right next to the place where my mom gets her highlights

Ok, is this a powerful madam executive having cocktails at the Mercer Hotel

or is it a P.T.A. mom trying to cover up an affair with the superintendent?

Oh, the other one?

- What other one? - You know, the whore at the hotel

- What?! - I--I don't--I--I'm--

- Ok, how 'bout this one? - Uh, oh, that's the nice P.T.A. one

No. if anything this is the whore in the hotel

I mean, I've actually seen whores in hotels wearing this

And if that's the case

why do I want this? Why do I want this?

Well I--

I don't know what to do Would you please help me?

Tell me what to do. Help me help me, help me, help me!

I miss Will!

What?!

I want Will back This is-- This is bad for us

There's no way that we're gonna have sex together after I've helped

you pick out dresses for five hours

Go. Find your friend Finish each other's sentences

I love you, Gracie, but...

I gotta go find a sports bar

Oh, hey, I'm not intruding I'm not intruding--

Where's Nathan?

Gone. He cracked under the pressure

Poor guy

Making him choose designer clothing when the only labels he owns say

"Nathan" in red marker

Will, what do you think of this dress?

It's fine, Mrs. Fleischman

if you're gonna continue that affair with the superintendent of the school district

I am so glad that you're here

Oh, I hope it's a Curly

Oh, Shemp Well, it's still good

You know what I thought I could wear with this?

Yeah, and I wouldn't

Why not? wouldn't it make me look like--

Yeah, but in Planet of the Apes not in Room With a View

I'm telling you I love that Moe

Love you, too, Nate

He's watching Three Stooges / Oh

Ok. Nathan, I want-- I want to go to bed / Oh. Ok

Nathan. Hi. Look at me Hi. I want to go to bed

Oh, oh, oh. It's my turn

Ok. good night, Will

I'll try to get her back to you in time for "Where in the World is Matt Lauer."

Thanks, buddy