Original subtitles

[♪]

Goodbye, Jimmy.

My baby.

[CRYING SOFTLY]

[CRYING]

[SNORES]

[WHISTLES] [WHISTLES]

[WHISTLES] [SNORES]

[WHISTLES] [WHISTLES]

[WHISTLES] [SNORES]

[WHISTLES] [WHISTLES]

[WHISTLES] [SNORES]

[WHISTLES] [WHISTLES]

[WHISTLES]

[BABY WAILS]

[IMITATES TRAIN]

[SNORES, WHIMPERS]

What's the matter? What happened?

It's bad enough you snore like a train,

but when you cry like a baby, that's too much.

I didn't-- [BABY WAILS]

It's that tomcat again.

Come on, boys. Get the shoes.

Where's that cat? I'll murder it.

Kitty, kitty, kitty.

[BABY CRYING]

What do you know? A baby.

[ALL CHATTERING]

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] ♪ A lovely baby ♪

[LAUGHS]

Isn't he cute?

Gee, I wonder if I looked like that

when I was delivered by the stork.

When you were born, you were delivered by a buzzard.

Oh, special delivery, eh?

Well, boys, looks like we're a father.

"Please take Jimmy to your heart and give him a good home.

"He's yours. A brokenhearted mother." Hmm.

MOE: What a cute little kisser.

Watch me make him laugh.

Zip. Boom. Cuckoo.

[CRYING]

Ah, you don't know how to make a baby laugh. Watch this.

[BABBLING]

[CONTINUES CRYING]

Heh. Heh-heh.

[WHIMPERS, SNORTS]

Wait. I'll show you how to make a baby stop crying.

♪ He's a Japanese band man ♪

♪ And a Japanese wife ♪

What am I saying? Pooh on the Japanese.

Look, honey, look.

[SOBBING] The kid's un-- Kid's unhappy.

So am I.

[BABBLES]

[ALL CRYING]

[GIGGLING]

[SNORING]

[GROANING]

[MOANING]

[SNORING]

[GROANING]

[MOANING]

[SNORING]

[GROANING]

[MOANING]

[SNORING]

Hello, Jimmy.

Nice baby.

Coochie-coochie-coochie-coo.

[LAUGHING]

Coochie-coochie-coo.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Oh!

Hey, what's the idea?

Shh! Quiet. You wanna wake the kid up?

I forgot. I'm one-third of a father.

Yeah, let's see how he's doing.

Well.

Say, he's gonna wake up hungry.

Better get him something to eat.

Good idea. Get your clothes on. Come on.

Hey, what do kids eat?

What do kids eat? That's easy: soft stuff.

No bones, no potato chips.

What did you eat when you were a baby?

Weeds.

I got it.

Why don't we fix him a full-course banquet

and let him take his pick?

For once, you're showing a slight trace of brains.

Hop down to the market and buy the works.

Right.

Don't forget the dill pickles and a highchair.

Ha! I can't get over it.

Me, a parent. How do you like that?

[YELLING]

Mmph!

Ow.

Oh! Oh!

[FRUSTRATED GRUNT]

Yuh-tuh-tuh-tuh-tuh. Yuh. There.

[EXHALES]

[GAGGING]

Now, let me see.

A dash of "worcestershyster" sauce.

Dash. Dash.

Some onion juice.

Oh!

Double-crosser. A "nazzy" onion, eh?

CURLY: Hey.

I got the cheese.

All right. Get it in here.

[LAUGHS]

[TRAP SNAPS] Oh! Oh. Ooh. Ooh.

These mousetraps are dan-- [TRAP SNAPS]

[GROANING]

[TRAP SNAPS, MOE YELLING]

I got the-- Nyuh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

[GROANS]

[YELLS]

Hey, fellas, have I got food for the baby.

Look at this.

Celery and radishes,

artichokes,

herring,

Limburger,

bicarbonate,

beer. Oh,

and I got nipples. They just fit.

I tried 'em, see?

[BABBLING]

Ooh!

What's the idea?

I-- [SQUEAKING]

[PANTING]

[CHUCKLES]

[GRUNTS]

[YELLS]

Oh.

Come over here.

Get this celery cleaned up.

[WHIMPERS] Come on.

You, clean up the table, and do it quick.

LARRY: Right.

Get that celery clean. Hurry up. [WHINES]

What's the matter with you? Go on.

Get that celery clean.

Oh!

Take that celery and scrub it.

Go on, go on, go on.

[SPUTTERING]

[YELPS]

Scrub the celery.

How do you like that guy?

Hey, what are you gonna do, play around all day, you guys?

The baby's liable to wake up any minute.

Okay.

Ah... ah... ah...

[SNEEZES]

[SPLUTTERS]

[SPITS]

That's a fine way to waste flour.

What's the matter with you? I couldn't help it.

[BABY CRYING]

Take care of the kid. He wants room service.

Right.

♪ I was born in Brazil And I grew on a tree ♪

♪ When they shook the tree Then I fell down ♪

♪ Then they put me in a bag And they fastened on a tag ♪

♪ And they shipped me off To Yorktown ♪

Hey, grapehead, that's no way to clean celery.

No? No.

Hey, Moe...

[INAUDIBLE]

No. Yeah.

I'll fix that. Clean this table off.

Here. Cut that right down there.

Pull that. All right.

I'll search for some safety pins.

Ow!

Oh, why, you imbecile, you.

I'm sorry, Moe.

[GROANING] [LAUGHING]

Give me that.

Yeah.

What's that?

The eternal triangle.

[CHUCKLES] [CHUCKLES]

What size?

I don't know. Maybe 6 and seven-eighths.

We'll need a model.

You're just the type. Get up there.

Not me. Ha-ha!

Come on. [GROANING]

Move it down here. Mmph!

Get the pins. Get up here.

Get down.

Woo.

Ah, that's going.

Look out. You're choking me.

LARRY: Here you are.

Okay.

[FRUSTRATED WHINE]

There we are.

Get down there.

Ha-ha! A perfect 36.

All right, get it off.

Come on, Jimmy. Here we go. All right, get it off.

Come on, Jimmy. Here we go.

Boy, there we go.

There we are. Okay.

[GIGGLES]

Hey, where are you?

Here. Here.

Oh, there you are. Ha-ha!

Boys, all we need is a few slight alterations.

Stand by, doc.

[COOS]

[GIGGLES]

Scissors. Scissors.

[SCISSORS SNIP]

Argh! Pin. Pin.

Scissors.

Pin. Pin.

Pin. Pin.

Pin. Pin.

Pin. Pin.

Scissors.

Scissors!

Pin. Pin.

Scissors.

Scissors!

Pin. Pin.

Ah.

[COOING]

Wait till you see the meal we have for you.

Fit for a king.

Even better, fit for an airplane worker.

[BABY COOING]

Come on. [STUTTERS]

Nyuck, nyuck.

[RHYTHMICALLY] There's enchiladas,

spaghetti, artichokes,

onions, celery, olives,

radishes, pigs' feet and herring.

[HUMMING]

Come on, get going.

Here we are, ready or not.

Look.

A nice radish.

[CRUNCHING]

[BURPS]

Gesundheit. Heh!

Nice manners you're teaching him.

Get out of here. Oof!

Now you're getting your vitamins.

Starch, vegetables, "hypochondriacs."

Try an olive.

Oh!

[BABY GIGGLES]

Wise guy.

Maybe he'd like a smarty-coke,

a party-smoke, uh, okey-doke, this feathered apple.

"Yartichoke."

You too.

[BARKS]

Here you are, sonny.

Fool around with that for a while.

[COOS]

While he fills up the cavity,

I think I'll read the scandal sheet.

[CRIES]

Come on, eat it, like this:

Hmm.

I'd like to meet the guy

that invented these barbed-wire pineapples.

Ah, quiet.

[CRYING]

MOE: Oh.

[HUFFS]

He don't like "yartichoke."

Here, give him some spaghetti.

Okay. There.

There's some spaghetti for you, and don't get tough.

Hey, fellas. Get a load of these headlines.

"Police scour city for kidnapped baby."

That's nothing. Kids always get into mischief.

Now, when I was a kid-- Kidnapped?

Who? What? When? Let me see.

There.

"Police fear kidnappers grabbed Collins' baby

"and are holding it for ransom.

So far, the kidnappers have not contacted the family."

Fellas, do you think that's it?

Sure. The kidnappers got cold feet

and left us with a kid with a phony note.

And we fell for it. Oh!

He don't like spaghetti, either.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Hey, bunionhead, answer that door. [DOORBELL BUZZES]

Hey, bunionhead, answer that door.

Give the kid back his spaghetti.

What are you gonna do, eat it yourself?

No, you eat it. [SPITS]

How do you like it? Blah.

[STAMMERS, YELPS]

[GRUNTS, SPUTTERS]

Wha--?

[WHIMPERING]

Hey, fellas, it's the cops.

They're after us for kidnapping.

We gotta hide the evidence.

[COOING]

Let me see, now. The window.

Scram.

[CURLY WHIMPERS]

Now, I'll go and find your baby.

[YELLING]

Psst. Okay.

What's the matter? The baby disappeared.

That's exactly what we're gonna do.

Come on.

There they go.

Well, come on. Yeah.

I don't see them any place.

Maybe they went down that dirt road there.

You go down there and look, and I'll follow the highway.

If I don't see them, I'll come back.

All right.

Shh. Quiet. I hear a motorcycle.

Hold it. Hold it. I hear the other one coming.

Where are they? How do I know?

How do you expect me to see through the canvas?

Quiet. Oh.

[COOING]

Say, there must be pigeons in this car.

Yeah.

[GIGGLES]

It's the baby. It's in the car.

Nyuh. Now we're in for it.

Everything will be all right as long as the kid keeps quiet.

I'll cut a hole in the canvas and see where the cops are.

Good idea. If you see them, let me know.

[BABY CRIES] I'll keep the baby quiet.

[HORN HONKING]

Mm-hm.

Hey, there's somebody out here honking his horn.

Yeah, it's you, you dope. Get off.

[HONKING STOPS]

[ENGINE REVS]

Let's get those guys. All right.

Spread out. I gotta signal for a turn.

[WHIMPERS]

Get your gun. They may be violent.

Stick 'em up. Stick 'em up.

Baby. Aw, my baby. Stick 'em up. Stick 'em up.

Baby. Aw, my baby.

Darling. My baby.

I'm sorry we quarrelled last night.

Me too. I was so despondent.

That's why I left Jimmy on that doorstep.

Don't worry. It won't happen again. No.

Say, what do you suppose became of those three goofs?

You got me.

They still don't know

that all we wanted was the baby.

Yeah.

CURLY: Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

[♪]