Original subtitles

[♪]

Dopey Dan's daily double, 15 cents. Get your--

Pinkham Penny's picked parlay.

Get your-- Hardtacker's handicap.

Get a scorecard, you can't tell

the players without a scorecard.

I don't mean to misrepresent you and cast my jurisdiction

upon you, but today I'm giving away a house and lot,

a diamond-studded wristwatch, a special sedan,

and as an added prize I am giving away

a custom-built secondhand tire.

I'll take that.

Who's talking to you? Oh!

[GROWLS] Wait a minute, it's no use. Who's talking to you? Oh!

[GROWLS] Wait a minute, it's no use.

There's nobody stopping for us.

They will. Come here.

Lay down.

Now, you stay there, and when he stops,

sell him one of these. If he stops.

Here comes one now.

[CAR APPROACHING] Get your daily double here.

[HORN HONKS] [CAR APPROACHING] Get your daily double here.

[HORN HONKS]

He's gone.

[WHIMPERS]

[CAR APPROACHING] Hey!

[METAL CLANGS]

[GROWLS]

You can't afford to miss a terrific chance

like this: a winner every day.

I'll guarantee you four winners. I'll make it five.

Six. Seven.

Eight. Nine.

Just a minute. There's only eight races.

Last race, dead heat. Two winners.

That so? Certainly.

Well, give me one. Whoo-whoo-whoo.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Just a second. These horses ran day before yesterday.

They won, didn't they?

You-- Give me back my money.

No mistakes rectified after you leave the window.

Oh, a bunch of crooks, huh?

Police! Police!

There's one over there.

Hey, officer!

Hey, come here! [STOOGES YELLING]

DRIVER: Police!

[SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]

Say, buddy, is that cop after you too?

Yeah, I--

Ah, ah, ah! Whoo!

What's the matter with you?

Mmm!

I thought you was a dummy, but I-- Tut, tut, tut!

Ah, trying to pull a fast one, huh?

Give me your hand.

[CREAKS] Arthritis.

Now...

Now I've got to go.

Hey, hey!

[BOTH YELL]

[GRUNTS]

[WHISTLES]

Come on in the house.

[KNOCK ON HEAD] CURLY: Oh!

Yes? Pardon me,

but I'm working my way through college, and I--

Come on. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Oh! Ooh.

Boy, that was a close shave.

Hey, fellas, look.

Spread out.

[SIGHS]

[ENGLISH ACCENT] Stebbens, draw my bath.

Yes, milord.

Hot, cold or muddy?

Oh, as you wish.

What's the matter? Too hot?

No, too muddy.

Oh!

Whoo, heh, heh.

Oh, a bazoonie.

[SILENCE]

Hm.

[NOTE PLAYS]

Hm.

[SILENCE]

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[SILENCE]

[EXHALES]

Hm!

[NOTE PLAYS] Mm!

[LOWER NOTE PLAYS]

[INHALES]

[SILENCE]

Ugh. Hm!

[PANTING]

[HUMMING]

[NOTES PLAYS] Oh!

Hm!

Mm.

[GASPS]

[FULL BAND PLAYING] Ah! Ugh.

[BAND STOPS PLAYING] [KEEPS HUMMING]

[GROWLING]

[CRUNCHING]

Oh! Oh!

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! Hey, Moe! Hey, Moe!

Hey, Larry! It's got me! It's biting me! Get it. Get it.

Heave. Oh.

Heave. Oh!

Mmm.

Hmm.

[BARKS] [SPITS]

Ah!

[WHOOPING]

Mm.

Why, gentlemen.

What do you mean by coming in our apartment

without knocking?

This is my furniture.

I was dispossessed yesterday.

[HEADS CLACKING]

Why didn't you call up Washington?

Get yourself an FBI loan?

Ugh.

Mommy, could I have some milk now?

Not now, darling. Maybe later mommy can get you some.

You heard the kid. Scram. Get her some milk.

With what?

With this.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

[CRASHING]

Hey, Curly.

Hey, kid, say something.

I'm afraid you've finished him.

Oh, no, not that.

DOLL: Mama.

Mama.

Mama.

Get me Ripley.

Yeah, Believe It or Not.

Hey, you got to dial first.

Yeah, here. Oh!

[WHIMPERS]

Go on. I'll mash you like a potato.

Oh! Ooh-ooh.

Mm.

Ooh.

[BLEATS]

Ooh.

[CHUCKLES]

[BLEATS]

[BLEATS]

[IMITATING BLEATING] Oh, ye-e-e-s.

[BLEATS]

Oh, ye-e-e-s. But when?

[BOTH BLEAT]

[WHISTLES]

[BLEATS]

[BLEATS] [BLEATS]

[CALF BLEATS]

[BLEATS]

[RAM BLEATS]

[GOAT BLEATS]

[BLEATS]

Whoo-whoo.

[GROWLS]

[HEADS CLANK]

Now, let that be a lesson to you.

Hmm!

There we are, home sweet home.

Nothing left to do but have it insured. Ha-ha.

Here's the milk for the baby.

Thank you.

[CHUCKLES]

Thank you.

[BLEATS]

[BLEATS]

Jersey?

No, New York.

Ah... Ah! Stop it.

Hey, fellas, look what I got.

Hm, smelt.

Here, scale it.

[HARMONICA PLAYING NOTES OF THE SCALE]

What are you doing? Scaling.

Go on, cook that thing. Make the head well-done,

the middle medium, the tail rare.

[BLEATS]

Whoo.

[HUMMING]

Speak.

Come on, speak.

[BARKS]

[CHUCKLES]

Ar-- Ah, ah.

Must have been a flying fish.

I don't--

Oh.

Plank fish.

[LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLING]

Plank fish.

Ha.

What kind of fish you say this was?

Saw. Saw?

See? Saw.

Saw.

See?

[CHUCKLES]

See? Saw.

Ah.

There we are.

Sort of a delicacy. Ahem.

[CRUNCHING]

[CRUNCHING]

Ugh. Saw. See? [CRUNCHING]

Ugh. Saw. See?

[CRUNCHING]

[GRUNTING]

Hm.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, what's on your mind? You know, if we could get into

the track and if we had a tip, we could bet on a horse,

if we had some money. Heh, heh, heh.

Ooh! Ow.

What are you smuggling?

[WHINES]

Turn loose or I'll--

[COINS JINGLE]

Why, you cheap crook.

Stealing a baby's bank. It's only a lend-lease.

I figured I'd bet on a 50-to-1 shot to double the baby's money.

You imbecile. Why don't you pick a 100-to-1 shot and triple it?

Oh, okay. Wait a minute.

If we spend any money to get in there,

we won't have any left to bet on the horse.

What'll we do?

MAN 1: Press.

MAN 2: Press.

Come on. Follow me.

WOMAN: Press.

MAN 3: Press.

MAN 4: Press.

WOMAN 2: Press.

Press.

Press.

Pull.

Ooh-ooh-ooh!

Well, don't look like we're gonna get any suckers today.

No. I got a good notion to go back into vaudeville

with my ventriloquist act. Ah, you've probably forgotten

how to throw your voice by this time.

Oh, you think so?

Well, here we are.

Let's look the bangtails over. Come on.

[CHUCKLES] [HORSE SNORTS]

Look.

[SNORTS]

Watch me have some fun with that sap.

Say, you look pretty good to me.

You're not bad-looking yourself, big boy.

[SNORTS]

I bet you tell that to-- Oh-oh!

Are you talking to me?

[SNORTS]

MAN [THROWING VOICE]: Yeah.

Oh.

MAN: Bet all you got on me, sucker.

I'm gonna win this race.

No kidding?

MAN: No kidding.

[SNORTS] [TITTERS]

That's all I want to know. Whoo!

How about that? No, that's a mudder.

I got a tip, a hot tip.

What's her name? It's no her. It's a him.

What's his name?

Bearded Lady.

Who gave you the tip, the owner? No, the horse.

[FANFARE PLAYING] Boy.

The horse. The horse? The horse?

BOTH: Hey!

LARRY: Come here!

[CURLY WHOOPS]

[HUMMING]

[BELL RINGS]

[CROWD CHEERS] ANNOUNCER: They're off.

Hangover's taking the lead, Pickup is running second

and Bicarbonate is running a bad third.

Bicarbonate is moving into contention

and Pickup is fading fast.

Nip and tuck between Hangover and Bicarbonate and Pickup.

And here comes Bearded Lady!

The winner, Bearded Lady by eight whiskers.

Five hundred dollars.

Ah.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[HUFFS]

Say, wait a minute.

You boys are too lucky to be betting on horses.

You ought to own one. I think you got something there.

You said it. And we're gonna sell you one.

Come on, boys. Come on, there. CURLY: Take this off our--

Well, there you are, boys. Seabasket, the wonder horse.

Looks more like a fugitive from a glue factory to me.

I wouldn't have him as a gift.

I'll bet you never won a race.

I won the Kentucky Derby once.

Ah. No?

MAN [THROWING VOICE]: Yeah. What else?

MAN: I beat Filet Mignon in the Porterhouse Stakes.

Ooh. That's good enough for me.

We'll take him. Thanks.

MAN 2: Thanks. Why, you--

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Come here.

Tell him what you told me. Come on. Heh, heh. I--

Tell him.

Why, you sap.

Hm!

MAN [THROWING VOICE]: Just for that,

I'll never speak to you again.

[SNORTS] Eee.

Uh. Mm.

[SNORTS] Eee.

Uh. Mm.

[CRUNCHING]

Oh!

Oh.

What's the matter? Seabasket bit me.

Must be time for his vitamins.

Okay, let's go.

Whoa, boy, whoa.

You hold his mouth open and I'll blow this pill down his throat.

[SNORTS] [GULPS]

[GASPS]

[COUGHS]

MOE: What's the matter?

I swallowed the pill.

That was vitamin Z.

[WHINNIES]

[SNORTS]

[WHINNIES]

Did that come out of me?

Yeah.

Take it easy.

[NEIGHS]

Whoa, whoa.

Ho, blubber-head. Ho!

[NEIGHS] Ho! Ho!

I wonder how he is.

I don't know, I don't know. I wonder how he is.

I don't know, I don't know.

What's keeping that doctor?

How's the patient, doc?

Fine. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Why, you--

The patient is all right.

It's a boy.

Here he is, son.

[CACKLES]

I wonder if you can talk.

COLT: Da-da. Da-da. Da.

[CACKLES] Da-da. Da-da.

Another winner.

[LAUGHS]

A combination ticket.

[STOOGES LAUGH]

[♪]