Original subtitles

It doesn’t matter, our only purpose...

Downloaded from YTS.MX

purpose...

purpose...

purpose...

purpose...

No matter where you hide...

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

it will find you.

(Snappy music.)

Please go away.

Hey, Kerry?

Hey, Ke...?

Kerry, you in the shower?

Wha-the hell...

Doo-doo-doo.

...Adam and Kerry Show!

Hmm-hm-hm-hm-hmm...

Kerr... Aw, shit. Kerry. Fuck!

Wake up, dude!

Hello?

Dude, we got our show, remember?

We’re late. We're supposed to pick up the actress?

I know.

I'm ready.

Bullshit, you’re not ready!

You're fucking in bed, dude!

I’m totally ready; I don’t know what you're talking about.

Let's go.

C’mon, are you ready?

I’m ready.

Oh, this is my favorite part.

What?

You told her what?

I had to.

It's the only way she'd do it.

But an anchor? An anchor on the “Adam and Kerry Show?”

What are we supposed to do then?

I dunno... we can narrate.

Narrate?

We're the hosts! The hosts don't narrate!

Dude, it's the only way she’d come.

Look, anchors don't go on location anyway.

That's like a field reporter or...

Whatever! So she can be a field reporter.

Couldn’t she be an assistant, or maybe a sidekick?

Dude, we need some can for this episode, remember?

It's a horror movie.

You can't have a horror movie with no screaming can.

There she is.

Oh, shit. I don't believe it.

She'll do nudity.

All right, we'll give it this one chance.

But if she doesn't play, she's out.

All right.

You guys are late.

Sorry.

Well...

Ready to go?

Right. Okay. Good.

Should we have a sign or image lease now? Or what?

Yeah.

(Clears throat.) In consideration for you filming me or otherwise

recording my image and or voice or name,

I hereby grant you the right to use that image for any purpose that you see fit.

I will also be your personal servant and slave

throughout the course of production until this film is completed.

You can use my image for anything you want, including

you can matte my head onto other people's bodies.

And you can digitally enhance my body parts or image in any way you want.

And, uhm,

I’ll even do nudity!

Yeah, yeah, nudity! And I'll do pornographic movies,

And you can even use my naked body on your website

and you can desecrate my body on the internet, or anything you want! Yeah!

We'll just need you to...

Are you getting all this?

Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You guys, I got some really great information.

Stuff that I thought might be useful.

There's quotes, and some old books and stuff.

Folklore...

I thought we were making this up?

No, we're not.

We are!

No we’re not.

We are.

What? ...no.

Is that all you're getting?

What? We need bait.

I thought we were making a movie, not... hunting.

Don't worry. Kerry is going to get something.

What?

We’re going camping, right?

“King of beers.”

We’re on our way to the first location!

Okay. I prepared a little monologue to kind of set the tone.

All right. You want to read it?

No. It's okay.

I'll just surprise you.

Trust me you’ll like it.

Uhm, I get to shoot this one, right?

Right.

Um, scary mode?

Yeah. You know how to operate it?

Yeah, I know how to operate it. Of course.

Alright... just finished filming the first scene of the movie!

All right!

That was great, you guys.

I can't believe this, we’re totally making movies!

Yeah-ha! Whoo!!

I love it! Here... Hollywood here we come!

Wait... Adam?

What?

What’s this... what's this button here?

Is that the pause button?

Oh, my God...

What?

What, Oh, my God, what?

...the fuck?

What?

Oh, shit.

To most people who pass this sign, it stands as a friendly

welcome to a sleepy little vacation village formerly known as Blair...

...Ville.

But to many of the older townsfolk, it is a gruesome reminder

of the little town's forgotten past,

a past that brings to mind images of missing children,

a town gripped by terror,

and a legendary predator.

Welcome to the “Adam and Kerry Show.”

I'm Marleise Marlaise, and I will be your host for this special investigative edition

“The Search for the Legend of the Blair Rabbit.”

Dude.

Did she just say “host?”

We’ll fix it in post.

That was pretty good.

Whoo-hoo!! Yeah!

We just finished filming the first scene of our movie!

Whoo! Yeah...

Alright, uh, whoo.

Allright, cool. We got it.

How’d it look? Did it look real?

Not really, but...

What are you gunna do about it.

Aright, let's go.

Have you ever heard of the Blair Rabbit?

The legend of the Blair Rabbit?

Uh, no. I'm afraid I haven't.

Have you heard of rabbits?

Yes. Yes, I have.

Are you afraid of Rabbits?

Uhm... No.

You haven't heard about the Blair Rabbit?

Or you have?

Uh... What is it about, a rabbit?

Blair Rabbit?

It’s that cartoon with the rabbit with the big nose?

Have you ever heard the legend of the Blair Rabbit?

Well, apparently there were several filmmakers who came to document the Blair Rabbit,

and they wound up missing; no-one found their bodies.

They just were...

You've never heard anything about those people?

Yeah, I heard that.

They went to some school around here, I think...

Was it L.C.U?

I don't know. What's this for again?

It's a rabbit documentary.

He was a... this guy was dressed like a rabbit.

First of all, the witch, they burned him, you know, because

people didn’t like him chopping up the rabbits.

He was weird. But there's always someone that dresses up like a rabbit or a clown.

And then in the fall, ‘54 twenty children disappeared.

The sheriff took a posse out to find them, but it was too late.

And he brought ‘em back out of the woods,

the back of a hay wagon and then... and dung bunnies!

It was horrible.

Many folks moved away.

Town never really recovered.

People slowly forgot about it

‘til last year when the film students went missing

and them Girl Scouts and Rangers and all of them TV folks and dogs and such.

And the rabbit would collect the children from the town and the townsfolk would run

to the river and call for the children, but to no avail.

They were made to stand facing the wall...

...until one of them made a sound...

..they’d face a big wall..

..or he was lead...

into the center of the room, and that's when the rabbit would do them.

He’d wack ‘em! He'd hit them! He'd whack them. Yeah.

He’d nibble on their fingers...

And he’d hang them by their... he’d peel off their skin...

Starting at the ankle.

Don't get excited about...

...well, and pull the whole hide down in one piece...

and make mittens and half of them.

Then he would make stew out of the meat.

Then he would take all the rest of the parts bones and guts, intestines,

and he would make dung-bunnies out of them.

...what it says? Make dung...

...bunnies out of them.

Those little bunnies, sometimes they would come as squirrels...

...or turtles too.

...or turtles.

But this rabbit, he only made bunnies.

Made out of shit.

...put them in your garden

to fertilize the plants. They're cute.

They're cute.

Unless they're made out of children.

(Clears throat.)

Okay.

Around us lie the scattered graves

of slaughtered waifs and strangled knaves.

Victims of a silent plight which comes and takes and goes at night.

‘Twas years ago when it first struck, And in these words, it ran amok,

Making real those kiddy fears With nasty teeth, and long soft ears.

‘Twas the varmint townsfolk said, Which rended all its offspring dead

And skinned their pink and tender hides And made soufflé from their insides

And strung intestines from the trees and Chewed their liver, popped their knees,

And scooped their brains from in their noggins, And left the popped out eyeballs boggin’.

And to this day, the townsfolk claim That it will chop and slice and maim

All who dare to think they could Brave the rabbit haunts that wood.

You made that up?

Yeah.

That's pretty good.

I know, I know.

Are we there yet?

I think so.

Almost.

Are we even on the right road?

I think so.

What do you mean, “I think so?” Do you even know how to read the map?

Almost there.

Oh, this is it. Yes. I think we’re there.

How do you know?

I... look, I’d recognize a tree anywhere.

I'm sure this is it.

But you've never been here before.

It's a really good map.

We’re lost, aren’t we?

No, I don’t think so.

See? Here we are. Let’s go.

Oh, you having a rough time with that?

Having a hard time, there?

I’d help you with that, if I

weren’t such an asshole.

Come on, Toots. Let's go.

C’mon, hurry up.

Hurry up, we’re leaving, we're going.

Whoa.

Owe!

Dang.

No, I'm serious. There totally could be snakes.

I don't think this is the way we should be going, anyway.

“I don’t think... blah-blah-bla-bla-blah...”

I don’t think this is the way we should be going!

Blah-blah-bla-bla

Tell the folks at home why you decided that you wanted to be part of the

“Adam and Kerry Show; Episode II; Special Investigative Edition;

the Search for the Legend of the Blair Rabbit.”

I am really interested

in what I like to call pop culture news, um...

Tabloid TV.

I like to call it pop culture news.

I think it's more than just tabloid TV.

I'm sure like Iraq and all that stuff.

It's important. People need to know about that. But,

did you see that episode of Maury Povich and he like those, um,

like kind of circus sideshow freak people on?

I didn't know they existed until I saw the Maury Povich Show.

And that's what I’m saying.

You know, that's what I'm talking about.

That’s like that’s real news.

You know? Dan Rather's not going to interview

a dog faced boy. And that's what I want to know about.

And there are others who want to know about that, too.

And that's why I'm out here.

And that's what you want to do...

those are the types of subjects you wanna tackle?

Yeah, that's important.

People... people want that.

People need that.

With all these tall grass things

are we going to go this way or this way?

I mean which way is East?

I think we're getting pretty close.

You got the map?

I don't have it.

What?

You don't have a fucking map?

The map is like the most important thing.

How could you be lost in the fucking woods without a fucking map?

Jesus Christ we’ve been here like a fucking hour and you already re...

You lost the fucking map... I can't fucking fucking fuck you fucking

fucking fucking fucking Jesus Christ.

God, Jesus. Jesus Christ. We find the maps.

God, Jesus. Jesus Christ. We find the maps.

FUCKING WILDERNESS

That's what fucking

FUCK-WAD

fucking fucking piece of shit.

FUCKER!!!

GOD!

Piece of shit!

Motherfucker!

Been out fuckin two fucking seconds...

Oh, I fuckin lost the map! Great!

Oh, shit. Sorry, dude. I had it.

The map.

So, um, I'm not going to.

I should go across.

I'm just saying one of us has to go across so I can hand the... The uh...

You're the one with a backpack, why don't I just go?

Whatever. You want to take off my backpack and I'll go?

One of you just go across, would you please?

I mean, you're not going across.

You got the camera, so we have to...

Kerry, you go across. Okay?

I don't want to...

Don’t be a pussy. Go across.

Real hard, Dude.

Now come back and get the rest of this stuff.

No, I'm goin...

Dude, I’m trying to across the stream here!

Just go back.

Why? I was here first.

You weren’t here first, I was here first.

You really don’t have to argue about this, okay?

Just go back... like you have to come out.

Why do you have to be filming all this?

I'm trying to cross...

C’mon, just go back... quit screwin’ around!

Both of you!!

No, I was here...

I’m not taking this...

You guys, knock it off!

Kerry, you’re being a dick!

Ahhh... Oh, shit!

Nice.

What do you think of hiking in the woods, Adam?

Sucks, man. Why are you filming?

You're always filming.

I got something in my shoe. Hold on.

I love the woods.

Don't you?

There it is. That's it.

That's it?

That's it.

Are you sure that's it? I expected something different.

No, that’s it, you see? Look. Here. It’s on the map.

We’re lost, aren’t we?

Not yet.

I don’t know. I just thought it would be bigger.

Well, it’s pretty big.

I thought it'd be, like, darker, smellier... scarier.

I like it.

Are you getting a good shot of it?

What's it called again?

It's called “rotting, bloody, dismembered corpse rock.”

That’s disgusting.

It's a good name.

This is going to be good.

Yeah? Alright, well, uh...

what happened here again?

Nothing. This is where we're going to eat lunch.

Why is it called rotten, bloody, dismembered corpse rock?

It's cool name.

Yeah, I know, but what about the Blair Rabbit, and the legend and everything?

All right, well, you see, this is where they found those fisherman,

All tied up with string...

Oh, the fishermen, right...

Yeah.

What fisherman?

Oh, just.

They just kind of bunch of fishermen that were just all tied up.

They couldn’t move. It was awful.

They were dead?

No, no, but I mean, they were tied up with fish string...

Fish string?

Yeah, well... fishing wire and, I mean, they've been there for ten er, for days

Their hands were all chaffed, and they were really hungry.

And a families missed them. It was awful.

Is there anything to the corpses bit?

No, I mean, well, I mean they couldn't hardly walk home and, and

then they had these terrible nightmares, I mean, for weeks and had insomnia.

It was awful.

Mm hmm. And constipation.

They had constipation, too.

It was terrible.

Can I have another samwich?

Where are we going anyway?

Going to the rabbit burial ground.

Burial ground?

I hope.

I hope this is better than that stupid bloody corpse bullshit.

And tired of hiking and the great outdoors suck.

I like the great outdoors.

Being in the great outdoors reminds me

of how much I like lying on the floor of my apartment.

Whatever it is, it's probably going to be pretty cool.

Could be dead bodies...

Children’s skeletons...

The decomposing heads of the filmmakers who went before us.

That's not funny.

Whatever it is, it’s probably going to be the climax of this whole film.

Great.

So then we’re lost.

No, we’re not lost.

You just said you don't know where we are.

I know where we are.

Where?

Right here.

Okay, then you don't know where we're going.

Yes, I do. We're going to the Blair Rabbit burial grounds.

But you don't know how to get there.

Dude. We have to walk. Duh.

Okay. What direction?

Toward the burial grounds.

You guys are ass-holes. Both of you.

Yeah.

You're an asshole.

You're an asshole, you’re an asshole, yer an asshole...

You're an asshole. You... You are an asshole.

I’m Lost! I’m always lost...

My mom’s an asshole.

I hear you!

Oh, my God.

What are these?

Look like little rabbit sculptures.

Wait! Remember what that one guy said...

Didn't he say something about they were made out of, like, dung-bunnies?

Dung-bunnies?

We must be at the rabbit burial grounds.

Quick! Get out the CP_16, and the D.A.T., lets get some shots of these!

But we only have video!

Well put it in scary mode, then.

Dung-bunnies.

These are dung-bunnies?

Remember? All the kids who were chopped up and turned into...

Dung bunnies.

That's right.

This must mean something.

Yeah, it means that there's some idiot out there

following us around trying to scare us.

With little bunnies made of shit?

I don't think so. No.

There can only be one explanation for this.

The Blair Rabbit!

Shit. I just stepped on one.

Oh, my God. Put it back. You might invoke the wrath of a curse.

I'm really worried about that.

I'm worried about my shoe.

Okay, guys, you know what?

I am the anchor.

Shouldn't I be saying something here?

This spot marks the culmination of our journey.

The legendary Blair Rabbit burial grounds.

In this remote stretch of unmarked woods

where the ancient trees blot out any hope given by the tiny scraps of autumn sky.

The victims of the legendary killer found their final resting place.

For years, authorities have searched for the forsaken grave

to bring closure to the families of those innocent victims.

No clue tells us how many innocent victims finally found peace here,

except for the erection of these tiny dung-bunnies, or ‘fertilizing novelties,”

which legend tells us marks the grave of each of the rabbits victims.

You wrote that?

Yeah. That’s pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good.

So I understand the part about how he makes them stand against the wall.

And then he... he, uh...

And then he hangs them upside down, and then he peels off of their skin.

But... why does he make dung-bunnies out of them?

Dude, it's kind of obvious.

What do rabbits eat?

People.

No.

Children!

No. Children are people.

Uhh...

Dead bodies. Uhh...

Skeletons!

Corpses!

Brains! You're on the wrong track...

Uh, breakfast-burritos.

Uhm...

Muffins! Popovers! Eggs!

No. Let’s put it this way:

What did Peter the Rabbit eat?

Who?

Vegetables, for God's sakes, he ate fucking vegetables!

Right!

Vegetables.

That's what I thought. I was going to say that.

So, why would this rabbit need dung-bunnies?

To eat?

No.

Uhm...

...to play with.

To fertilize his garden?

Right.

That's really stupid.

Yeah, that's kind of stupid.

Oh, beer’s good.

Okay, so we, uh,

we got the bloody rotten rock thing, right?

And we did the interviews.

We somehow managed to stumble across the burial ground.

So, what else?

Yeah, what else, Adam?

Yeah, well, we haven't found the rabbit.

That's true. We haven't found the rabbit.

You want to find the rabbit?

Yeah. I’m game.

I say let's go for it.

Mm-hm.

There is no fucking rabbit.

That's not a very positive attitude.

Okay, look, I'm going home tomorrow.

...without the rabbit?

I'm going home tomorrow with or without the fucking rabbit.

Quitter.

Jessica Savitch woulda found the rabbit.

Jessica Savitch wouldn't be out here with you fucking dweebs in the first place.

Sour grapes.

What?

Sour grapes.

Sour grapes?

That doesn't make sense, “sour grapes.”

Yeah it does... I mean, it's like...

I mean.

You mean.

You mean like, uh...

the grass is always greener?

No, I mean, it's like,

you know, don't count your chickens before they go down the hatch.

Oh.

Okay, we're recording now.

All right. Adam, did you hear something last night?

Yeah., I heard something last night.

Bullshit.

Dude. Really, I heard something last nigh...

Was it like, did it sound like breathing? Maybe, like, heavy blreathing?

No, it sounded like it was...

Like screaming, right? Like...

No.

Like, high pitched... horrible,

No! No, it sounded like...

Chilldren crying?

No!

Children being burned?

No! It sounded like...

Dude, I'm being serious!

I heard something last night and it was scary.

What did you hear?

Oh! Oh, I heard something too... I remember now.

All right. Okay.

No, it was... I'm serious... it was ghastly.

Kept me awake all night.

I heard something last night.

All right.

It sounded like hopping.

You heard hopping?

Yeah. Big hops.

Yes, that.

That I heard, too. And nibbling.

Oh, all right.

I heard nibbling. Okay...

That's... I can't believe you didn’t hear the nibbling.

All right, all right. That's it. We're on...

It kept me awake all night.

That's it. pack up. We're out of here.

..horrifying thing...

Nice. Shut up.

You remember the Patterson footage?

No.

In 1966...

Roger Patterson and his friend Bob Gymlan rode on horseback into the woods

of Northern California

to film some giant footprints sighted around a remote construction site.

And as they wrote along the creek-bed, they came across a giant, hairy creature.

And managed to get some thirty-odd seconds of 16 millimeter footage

of the beast walking away.

So?

...and I'm pretty sure that was the Blair Rabbit.

That was Bigfoot, you idiot.

Wait, dude, you don't believe in the Blair Rabbit, but you believe in Bigfoot?

It was a guy in a suit.

What, the rabbit?

No, the Bigfoot.

Bigfoot isn't real!

We should have gone there by now.

No, we're okay.

Just admit it... You don't know where we're going.

No...

We're lost.

No, we're not!

Then why is it taking us longer to get back

than it took us to get here in the first place?

Because we're not taking the same route back!

Why not?

Because it's a shortcut.

If it's a shortcut, it should take a short amount of time.

That is what a shortcut is.

Yeah, that's a good point.

We're lost.

No, we’re not. Give me the map!

No!

Give me the m...

Give me the map!

Give me the map!

This is our map?

Nothing but trees.

Yeah, but there's the arrow pointing north.

Oh, All right, well,

let's go north.

Which direction is north?

Straight ahead.

Adam is that the same log?

I think it is.

This is the same fucking log.

No.

This is the same fucking log!

It’s the same fucking one: look!

How do you know its the same log?

It’s the same one, we’ve been crossing this log all fucking day!!!

It’s the same log!!! (boo hoo)

Why do you think it's the same log?

Because look at it, it’s long and... it’s made of wood!

And it’s, and it’s, smohgghh... ahhgggahhh!!!

Did you just hear what you said?

What log isn’t made of wood you idiot!!

FUCK YOU!!!

Ahhh!!! AHHH!!!

You're going to film us Just standing here, I hopelessly lost as it gets dark?

Uh, my suggestion is that, being that it is getting dark...

Maybe we oughta just find a place to set them ...them tents.

You take this so, you take this so like nonchalantly... like it’s not...

“Shillantly?”

Like it's not... Like we’re... “Non-shillantley?”

Like we’re not lost.

Is that like... Like it's really a non-shillant kind of thing to try and find

the “buureall” grounds?

I'm. I'm not going to camp.

I'm not goi... I'm walking some more.

You're not going to camp another night is what you're trying to say?

Here we are pitching the tent again.

Adam and actress aren't speaking to each other

or to me.

We're supposed to be home tonight, sleeping

comfortably in our own beds, but instead we're lost.

We haven't finished our film.

We haven't found any killer rabbits in the woods.

And in fact, there's something.

There's something in these woods that mutilates filmmakers.

And we're filmmakers.

To use the term broadly.

Oh!

And speaking of broads, the broad speaks.

You have something you wanted to add to this, Dude?

I'll show you.

Ghaa, oh, oh, oh,

oh, eeergh!

Shhhhhhh...

Adam...

(gasp!)

Shh, shh, huh-wha...

Shh, quiet... yes? Did you hear that?

Yes! There’s something outside.

There’s something outside.

There’s something outside.

Shh-shh-shh...

Be quite, be quite. It’s okay.

Shh, just listen...

Did you hear that? Did you hear that?

Yeah.

Did you hear that?

Wh-what is it? What is,

Shut the... we don’t have a...

Turn off the light!

Why... why? We gotta see...

Turn it off, Adam. Turn it off.

Turn it off.

Okay. I don't want it to see us.

Don't turn the light on...

God damn it.

Will you guys, shut up?

I'm trying to sleep.

There's something out there.

There's something outside, Kerry.

Great, then go film it.

Kerry... Ke...

Adam turn it off. Turn it off!

Adam!

Shhh.

Stop it.

Okay.

Wait.

Wait! Listen!

That was it.

Did you hear that?

Ssst... No, no, no, no...

No, that wasn’t...

That was.

Wait! Whoa... w...

Goddamnit.

Turn it off!! Tun off the light!

I have to piss.

Wait... what... you...

(assorted whining and babbling...)

Kerry! Don't go out there!

Turn it off. Turn off the light!

Turn off the light!

Shh...

(The sound of a person urinating into dry leaves...)

I don’t hear anything.

(The sound of a person urinating into dry leaves...)

I didn't hear anything.

So, maybe you guys can go to sleep now.

All right?

Uh huh.

Oh, my God.

What? Oh my God.

What? Who would do this?

It's. It's those, uhm,

Dung-bunnies.

Oh, look at them.

One, two,

three.

Three dung-bunnies.

My God.

What does it mean?

Are we camping in someone's garden?

God, you guys, somebody is out here. Somebody is following us.

And they've got dung-bunnies.

And they're not afraid to use them.

That is not funny.

If there is somebody following us in these woods and they're willing to

come all the way out here with dung-bunnies, they might be dangerous.

No.

I think the rabbit did it.

Ow!

Don't touch them, Adam. They’re made of shit.

I very much agree with the actress.

I think the Blair Rabbit was a guy in a suit.

I didn't say that.

Yes you did.

No, I didn't.

I said the Bigfoot was a guy in a suit.

Right. But if Bigfoot is the Blair Rabbit, then...

I didn't say that.

Well, whatever.

I heard that the Blair Rabbit was this guy.

He wore a rabbit suit.

And on Halloween...

He would come down out of the woods

and he would drag children off

or maybe lure them away with candy like candy corn...

He would drag them into the woods and do nasty things to them.

And he would then he'd cut off their arms and their legs

and then sew them back together and make different stuff

like spiders and little creatures and stuff out of them.

But then the townsfolk,

this was like a long time ago, like 100 years ago in the fifties.

And the townsfolk chased him and they cornered him in his castle.

His castle?

Yeah.

And, um.

And then

they burned him.

They burned the castle, and they burned him.

And they pulled out his bowels and strung them around.

And then they chopped, they chopped off his limbs,

and they killed him... and taunted him. And,

then, they forgot,

they forgot to cut to cut off his head.

And so he came back to the life

and he clawed his way out of the grave...

You mean, like a zombie rabbit?

Yeah. That's why no one could catch him.

Why?

Because you can't capture a zombie rabbit.

Why can't you catch a zombie rabbit?

Because!

You just... You can't catch zombies of any kind.

(Gasp.) What the fuck is that?

Shit.

Oh. Oh, Oh!

You guys!!! Quick!! Over here!!

Hurry! Quick!!

Oh, my God.

C’mon! Hurry!

Oh, my God. Fuck!

Holy-shit!

Fuck.

What? What?

Here. Take this.

My God.

Dude, don't touch anything. Don’t touch anything.

Holy shit.

This is freaky, man.

Oh, my God. There's something underneath these rocks.

Look look look look.

No, don't touch. Don’t touch it.

Holy shit. Kerry, you getting this?

Yeah, yeah. I'm getting it.

God! It’s crazy!

Fuck is this doing in the middle of the forest?

Is that underwear?

Kinda looks like underwear.

This is creepy.

I want to see what's underneath here.

All right, All right. Hang on.

Be careful. Go slow.

What is it? Hold on, hold on.

Oh, my God.

What is it? It's fucking... it's film cans!

What?

What's it say? What does it say on the label?

“The Blair Vampire Project.”

“Push two stops; development at one light; prep for tele-cine.”

Push two stops? That’s asking for a lot of grain.

It's the Blair Vampire Project.

It's got to be a hoax.

Oh, should we keep these?

No! What if they come back for them?

I don't think they're coming back.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Shit.

The craziest thing I've ever seen.

Wait... I don't know if I should open that, Adam...

Adam, what are you doing?

Oh, shit!

Oh my God...

Oh, fuck.

Smooth move, Adam.

That’s great.

Okay, guys, come on.

We need to do my close up now.

We’re losing light.

Take this.

Check this out:

Is the filter thing on right here?

Cuz I can’t really see.

Oh, shit.

You've got to be shitting me.

I thought you said you knew where we were going!

I do!

No you fucking don't. We’re lost!

No we’re not!

We need to go. Now.

But where are we going?

No. We need to set up Camp.

It’s getting dark. We need to set up camp somewhere.

We might as well do it fucking here...

Before it gets too dark.

We're not going to make it home today. Hello?

Newsflash here.

We're not making it home today.

Do you know where the car’s at?

Yeah, well we've been traveling east, that direction, all day long!

Hey, you guys?

If you take just a little bit longer setting up this tent,

we won't need it because it'll be morning already.

(Assorted blatherskite.)

It’ll be morning already, and you can get lost again.

And then we'll be stuck in the woods again.

Stop it.

Come on.

I have to eat this. Knock it off! Quit!

Excuse me. Can I sneak in there?

Just got a little barbecueing to do here.

Ugh...

That's funny.

You guys.

I think there's something outside.

(Screaming...)

(Screaming intensifies...)

Hey, hey, hey.

Just kidding.

You guys!

You guys, there’s something outside the tent!

You guys, there’s something outside the tent, I swear to God!

You guys...

There’s something outside the tent. You guys...

Shut up.

Just kidding.

Whoa... holy-monkey!!!

Oh, nothing.

It's just this little rabbits again.

Have you ever seen a porn?

Oh, my God.

Look at that. What is that?

Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus Christ. What is that?

Can you see it?

Look, it’s got... it's like a...

It’s got a black flapping thing!

Darth Vader!!

No wait, wait!!

It looks like a cloak or...

(Sincere crying.)

No, no, it's.

What is it?

It's just...

Oh, it’s a witch?

Oh, there's nothing in it.

It's an empty.

Oh, there's nothing to it at all.

Aw, man, what a rip off. That's a gyp.

Stop filming. That's a waste of tape.

It was like it was seemed like it was going to be scary,

...but then it really wasn't.

Really wasn't. No, it wasn't scary at all.

No pay-off.

Oh... oh, well. What can you do?

Yeah. Hm.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Hey, you guys.

Come look at.

Holy shit!

What? What?

Oh, my God, stick people!

No.. Stick rabbits.

Fuck, man. Let's get out of here. This is...

This is crazy.

Somebody must have made these things, you know?

So... uh... some...

I mean some thing made these.

Are you saying that's a Blair Rabbit made these?

That is scary.

Let's get... let's get out of here, man. Come on.

This is not cool.

A rabbit that does arts and crafts?

I'm getting a heebie jeebies, you guys.

Now, let's get out of here.

Hold on, Adam, just two seconds. Let me get some shots of these. Fuck.

You know, they're really not very well made.

It's a mad killer! Who cares if they are very well made?

Come on, let's get out of here!!

Let's get out of here, man.

Come on. This is not cool at all. Not cool!

Adam, one more shot.

Just a couple more shots, okay? Let me just get some...

Oh, look.

Wait a second.

This isn't even a rabbit.

This one here.

It's a it looks like a porcupine, you guys.

And look, it's a beaver over here.

Can you see that one? It’s a beaver.

Fuck you guys, man, I'm out of here!

All right, Adam, let me just get one more shot, and then we will leave, okay?

Hey, them rabbits are for sale.

(Screaming. More terrific screaming.)

Five bucks for them ones there. Two for eight.

Oh... Are you selling these?

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, Christ, I don't believe it.

All right, all right, three dollars.

I haven't had much business today, so I'm willing to barter with you guys.

Have you guys got a footage of the souvenirs?

Adam.

Let's go.

I'll give you two bucks for that one right there.

Two dollars? That ain’t even enough to pay for my overhead!

Overhead?

What are you talking about?

You're in the woods. What overhead?

Look up; all them forest creatures is overhead.

I'll give you two-fifty.

All right. Sold.

You want a rabbit or a hedgehog?

Rabbit.

Let's go!

We're lost in the woods, remember?

An angry rabbit is chasing us.

Okay.

Remember? Let's go!

Adam, okay. Jesus.

Stop filming!

Those rabbits are really scary, you know?

And if we edit out the part about the arts and crafts?

How about a stick chimp?

Nah.

I'm working on a ring-tailed lemur?

Nah, no thanks, man. Just the rabbit.

Aright.

Aw... I don't believe it.

It’s the haunted log.

Okay, you know what? We might as well cross this since we’re here.

Somebody go.

I'm not going.

Maybe like when you go across, you go into another dimension.

Yeah, probably.

Yeah, a very similar thing once happened...

On Star Trek?

Yeah.

Okay. Somebody just go. Adam, go.

No, I'm not going.

Why not?

You just got done saying it was haunted.

Yeah, but if we go into another dimension on the other side

then maybe you'll run into us there, that would be cool.

But who cares?

I mean, they'd be lost... we'd be lost.

Yeah, but if you had twice as many cameras,

think of all the coverage you can get.

Okay, you guys, shut up.

Sorry.

Look, I think it's pretty safe to admit that we're lost.

We're not lost!

What?

We’re right here at the log.

Well, they're getting better at doing the tent at least.

Well, that's because someone lost the map.

Yeah, that someone was you, Dipshit.

Why, we would have never lost it if you hadn't,

Had I asked you not to fucking lose the goddamned map.

Dak-dak-dak-dak-dak?

“Go east! Go east to get us out of here.”

Fuck you guys.

(Screaming...)

It looks like someone did the dung-bunnies thing again.

What’s for breakfast?

We're all out of Ho-hos.

Ate the sardines last night for dinner,

and we don't have any more gummy bears.

What is for breakfast?

Beer.

Carrots.

I'm not going.

Well, I'm not going.

Fine. Then we'll just have to stand here.

Fine. I don't mind standing; this is a good view.

Great. And I'll just have a cigarette.

Fine. Maybe I'll take a little nap or something.

Jesus Christ. Will you two shut up? You're like a couple of kids.

You call this a documentary and all you guys do

is sit around and bitch and whine at each other.

Well that’s what the Adam and Kerry show is, Dude.

Don’t call me “Dude.”

Sorry.

You know what? I'm going to go over it.

Wait for you two dipshits we’ll be here all day. Move.

Move!

Hey! Hey, you guys! Where are you going?

God...

Assholes.

Fucking assholes.

(Laughing and horseplay.)

Okay, okay...

It’s my turn it’s my turn.

Alright, man.

Too bad we don't have her toothbrush.

Whooo... hoo!

Yeah, baby.

That’s all you!

This is gunna be great.

This is gunna be great juxtaposed against the part where she talks

about how passionate she is about broadcast journalism.

Broadcast journalism!

Dude! Whip it out! Full frontal nudity.

No, Dude, what are you talking about? This isn't a porno.

Oh, that's right, man. Full frontal nudity gets NC 17.

Wait a second.

Fuck those M.P.A.A. fascists!

Yeah. Fuck em!

Whip it out!

Pussy! Shit! Dick!

That bitch.

She tricked us into this.

She tricked us into running away and leaving her?

Yeah.

And...

How did she do that?

She's very clever.

Fucker!

Oh!

Oh...

Owe!!

(screaming)

Fuck!

So here we are again,

stranded in the fucking wilderness with two rugged outdoors types;

real mountain men.

I feel so safe.

Uh, Kerry?

What is it exactly that you were doing?

Well, you're worried about whatever it is

coming back to fuck with us again tonight. Right?

Go on.

I'm just taking precautions.

And what are the nature of these precautions?

Well, if you ever had to survive on your own in the wild before,

you would recognize this as a snare.

Put that right down there.

Oh.

Great.

Yeah. You know what?

That'll work. Sure.

That's a good idea.

You know, you're going to thank me for this in the morning.

Mm-hmm.

Actress, wake up.

What?

What? What?

What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What?

Oh my God! Kerry isn’t here!!

What? What? What?

Kerry’s not here!

(Screaming. More Screaming.)

Oh, hey, shh... you guys. Shh!

Did you hear that?

I think I heard something.

Oh...

Huh.

Well,

We've been visited by our little friends again last night.

We could have breakfast.

Oh, that's right. We can't do that.

We don't have any fucking food,

so I guess we can just wander around the woods

all fucking day in circles. That'll be fun.

Wanna do that?

Well, why break with routine?

Can we just have fun?

Oh! Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, look!

Look! It’s the car!

It’s the car!

That’s it! Guys! Come on! It’s the car!

Holy shit! I don’t believe it! Guys! Come on! It’s the car!

Ah-ha-ha-ha...! It’s the car!

We found the car!

What car?

We’re going home!

What car?

This is the car, you guys.

What? This?

Yeah, this is your car.

That’s not our car.

Yes, it is!

Look, it's green, and there's all this shit.

Oh.

Oh, no.

It's very similar, but no, it's not a car.

Oh, our car is like a pearlescent green.

This one's a metallic green.

That's your car!

Adam, is that your car?

No, it’s not our... it’s not our car.

It’s not.

Okay, well, this is the road, right?

And it's gotta lead somewhere, so we'll just follow until we go home.

Wait, wait, wait a second.

You can't just follow any road and think it's going to take you home.

The plan was to go east.

We went west yesterday because that's what you wanted to do.

And now we're going east. Let's stick with the plan.

But this is...

C’mon. Stick with the plan. Let's go.

But you guys...

Yeah, but.

Oh, oh, oh.

So stranded in the woods;

Cuz the Actress got us lost again;

Oh, yeah.

And we're all gonna die;

We just don't know when;

Cuz we’re up against a rabbit and he’s...

...murdering all us men.

Oh, yeah. Come on, sing it, baby.

Can you shut up? It’s not funny.

And where did you get that guitar anyway?

With this?

You didn't have it with you when you packed.

I did too.

It didn't. It wouldn't fit.

It would.

How?

It’s a good pack.

Not that good.

We’re all gunna die, and... hmm hmm...

All right!

And we’re all gunna be disemboweled and chopped...

Jesus Christ.

Ok... you guys...

Did you hear that?

Adam, you hear that?

What?

Turn on the light.

Did you hear that?

I... shh... no... listen!

Oh, my God.

Here we go again.

Shhh! I heard something!

I heard something.

Oh, my God. I...

Screaming.

(Screaming. (Again.))

...Love of God...

(Continued screaming...)

Kerry! Kerry!

Look out, look out.

It's over here. It's behind us.

Turn on your light.

Turn off your light.

Look, there’s a light over there.

The rabbit has a light?

Shhh!

Hello?

Oh, my God. It’s talking to us.

A talking rabbit?

Who’s there?

Don’t answer.

Hello?

Shh! It could be murderers.

Or rabbits.

Mutant rabbits.

It could be rednecks!

Who’s out there?

Whisper.

Hello? Doesn't sound like a rabbit.

It could be a trick.

Don’t say anything.

It's not a trick.

Look, I can see your light.

Oh, God. They turned off the lights.

Hello?

(Screaming.)

Who the Hell are you?

What are you doing? Who are you?

No, I asked you first.

Well, what are you doing out here?

My God. People! We’re saved. Finally.

We’ve been lost for days.

Yeah, us too.

Dude, this chick's kind of hot.

Christ... another film crew.

You're filming?

Oh, how'd you guess? The camera gave it away?

What are you guys shooting?

No, what are you shooting?

No, wait a minute. Let me guess.

Let's see. A documentary?

Yeah. How'd you guess?

Please. The woods are crawling with film crews right now.

Everybody's doing a goddamn documentary.

I thought you were here to rescue us.

What's yours about?

What's your documentary about?

What's yours about?

Well, ours is about the Blair Rabbit.

The Legend of the Blair Rabbit.

Rabbit?

Ooooh, wabbit.

Well, what are you guys shooting?

Um.

The legend of the Blair Robot.

What?

Blair Robot!

Joey, stop it with that already, will ya?

Blair Robot?

Blair Robot? Blair Robot?

Oh, God.

I thought you guys were out here to rescue us.

Okay, where are we on this?

Whater you shootin’, film?

Sixteen millimeter. Ninety-eight.

What about you?

Um, Mini-DV. Three-chip.

That's cool.

It's all right.

Hey, maybe these guys have some beer.

Wait, wait, wait, do you guys know how to get out of here by chance?

Because we cannot figure it out.

We're lost here. Okay, everybody is lost.

Everybody's lost!

Anyway, we've got to go.

We’ve got lots of set-ups to do today.

We got a giant mutant “robot-gone-mad” pursuing us.

Let's go. Time is money, boys. Let's go.

Come on, chop chop.

Do you guys have any beer?

A robot, huh?

Good luck with your rabbit.

What?

Adam, fuck them up.

Use your jujitsu.

Hey, hey, hey,

(Screaming...)

She’s got me! She’s got me! She’s got me!

You guys suck!

Dude, you allright, Man?

Didn't hurt the camera, did they?

That dickhead hit me with a broom.

Oh, that fucking bitch.

Blair Robot. What a bunch of assholes.

Such bullshit.

This is so fucked. I'm going back to the tent.

Which way is the tent?

What do you mean Kerry's missing?

I mean, he's not here.

He'll be back. He just went out for breakfast.

No, no, he's been abducted.

That’s hogwash. He went out for a stroll.

Okay, then how do you explain this?

Dear Adam, an Actress.

I have been abducted.

Don't come looking

for yourselves.

The rabbit means business. Kerry.

Well?

The handwriting isn't very good.

So?

The spelling isn't very good.

So?

I don't think he wrote it!

You don't think?

Well, then who do you think wrote it?

Maybe the rabbit.

You think the rabbit wrote the note?

I don't know. How else to explain this?

Kerry isn't a very good speller,

but I mean, he can spell his own name, and it's spelled like Cary Grant here.

Plus, Kerry would have used a semicolon here; and there isn't even a comma;

he tends to overuse semicolons;

I think it's pretentious, don't you?

Yeah, but...

Okay. What do you suggest we do?

We wait for him.

The note says right here: “Save yourselves.” So...

That's just Kerry. He didn't mean it.

You said he didn't write the note.

Right? He didn't.

Okay, look, I've got to get home, you know, and the note says

save yourselves, so I think we should just, you know, pack up and go, because...

Look, we came out here to make a movie. I think we owe it to Kerry to do just that.

We owe it to him to turn this film around and make a profit.

Documentaries don't really make a profit, so...

True.

But other films do.

Yeah, but we're making a documentary, so...

Right now we are.

But, we could just add a few scenes and appeal to a whole different audience

that watches different movies that aren't documentary kind of movies.

Okay, for once, could you stop talking in code?

Okay. All right.

I don't know how you feel towards this or are going to feel about something.

It's just the whole thing that you were kind of into or,

I don't know. I mean, I feel like you might be someone who is or isn't into it, but, uhm,

has a propensity to...

Okay, you know what?

I don't understand what you're talking about.

Well, do you like porno or pornographic type things?

Because in a way, I've always liked it and I thought that, you know, people

can make money doing something that they do anyway and it must...

Did you just ask me if I wanted to do a porn?

In a way? I mean, it's kind of...

I mean, I've ever begun to have thought or something like that?

You know, I'll tell you exactly what I think about it.

Jerk.

You almost got that there, Adam?

Yeah, I miss Kerry though.

I’m sorry. I know you miss him, but you know what?

What? He's dead.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Turn the fucking camera off!

You’re always on with the fucking camera! Turn it off!

Keep flying, Bob, we got a report the fire but can't find the kids.

Drop the bombs.

Boom.

Adam?

Adam, how long we've been stranded out here in the woods like this?

I don't know. Maybe a week and a half.

How long do those camera batteries last?

Batteries?

If the’re fully charged, about a day.

Then how can we still be filming?

Well, see, it's like this:

You know, the big lantern thing the Jews had?

And when they ran out of oil and like, miraculously,

you know, kept burning for like eight days

and that's how they got the menorahs?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's like that.

Okay.

And we’re taking off again looking for the kids.

Thirteenth day in a row...

Actress?

Yes?

I just wanted to say...

you're...

You're nice.

Thanks.

You're nice too.

I'm glad we met.

Me too.

Actress?

Yes?

When make a porno?

You're an asshole.

Don't turn the light on.

Don't!

Shut up! Shut up!

Turn on the light, turn on the light!

Okay.

OhmyGod!!

OhmyGod!! OhmyGod!!

Ahhh...

(Screaming...)

(Screaming...)

RUN!!!

Don’t leave me! Don’t leave me!

Oh, my God.

What is it?

What the fuck... what the...

Blah-gheggle-blaggle-garrooliegy!

Run!

Bleble-eble-eble-grah-hah!

Run! Run!

Run! Run! Run! Run!

Kerry!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, ahhh-

Actress! Get up! Here it comes!

Get up!

(Screaming.)

(Also, silly howling.)

It’s got my leg!

It’s got my leg!

Adam! Adam!

Adam!

Get it off me! Get it off me!

It’s gunna eat my face!

Ahh... Adam, help me!

Okay.

Okay.

Fuck off!

(Running and panting.)

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Adam!

I can't believe we got away!

Here! Over here! Hurry!

Oh, my God.

We gotta get out of here before it comes back!

What the fuck was that?

Whatever that was it was horrible!

Was that the rabbit? Was that the Blair Rabbit?

Was that the Blair Rabbit?

I don't know!

Fucking almost killed me!

A guy in a suit?

That must be what killed Kerry.

Shut up. He's not dead.

Oh, my God, I want to go home, Adam!

Adam, I don’t want to be here anymore!

Ahhk...

Did you hear that?

Did you... look up?

Ahhk!!

Bleh-ble-bleh-blegh-blee-blee-blee!

(Screaming.)

Kerry!

Hey, you guys, what up?

Kerry!

Son of a...

Fuck!

What the fuck, Kerry??

Mother-fucker!

Well, it's just a... suit.

What the fuck are you thinking, Dude?

Oh, my God, how’d I get this suit on?

Very convincing, asshole!

I'm so glad to see you guys!

Where’d you fucking go!?

Adam?

Yeah?

Adam, help me up.

Get me the fuck out of here.

Kerry, you are a fucking dick!

Come on, you guys.

I swear I don't remember a thing.

Really, somebody put me in that suit.

I swear.

You guys...

You guys?

So it's true. Kerry’s gone again.

Is he always this immature?

He likes practical jokes.

His favorite is “pretend we're asleep.”

Great.

Oh, what is this?

There's something...

On the ground outside the tent.

Some... rags...

wrapped in

sticks, it looks like...

Oh, my God, it looks like Kerry’s shirt.

Oh ...!

It's wrapped in his shirt!

Adam?

ADAM!!

What? Adam, come here and look!

What is it?

I don't know.

I can't tell.

It's wrapped in Kerry’s shirt!

Why can’t you tell?

It's all bloody.

I don’t know. I can't tell.

I can't see it, it’s out of focus!

Get it in focus.

I can’t!

What do you mean, you can't?

It won't focus!

Just focus the lens!

It won't focus on it!

Do you mean you won't focus?

It won’t, it just won’t!

Look here, look!

Here. Let me try.

Huh? It's out of focus, all right.

Oh, my God.

I can't get focus either!

Oh my God, it’s out of focus!

It's weird.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck, oh, fuck! It’s out of focus!

I can't even see clearly with my own eyes.

And then they cut something off of him and now it’s out of focus!

Why cut something off of him?

If that’s out of focus...

Oh, holy shit! Let's get out of here right now!

I wonder if he’s in focus?

Come on! No!

But, should we keep this?

No, we can't keep it!

It's no good to us blurry like that!

Come on, let's go!

It was pretty funny, man.

That rabbit... suit, man. That was pretty f...!

Hey, Adam?

Adam?

Kerry’s pulled a lot of good ones before, but that's...

What?

He's dead.

Don’t say that.

Yeah, he's dead.

He's not dead.

He's dead.

Fuck are you thinking, Dude?

Oh my God, how did I get this suit on?

Very convincing, asshole!

Oh, I'm so glad to see you guys!

Where’d you fucking go!?

Adam?

Adam?

Are you watching video of you little friend?

Shut up.

You miss your little friend, Adam?

Shut up.

Where’s your friend, Adam?

Where’s Kerry, Adam?

He’ll be back.

No. You know why? Because he's dead.

He’s not dead.

Kerry is dead.

Kerry is dead. Say it.

Kerry is dead.

He's not dead.

“Kerry is dead!”

I’d like to take this chance to…

to apologize to Kerry’s mom.

And to Actress’s mom.

To my dad.

It's my fault.

It’s all my fault.

In spite of what Actress says now...

It’s my fault. I’m...

Sorry.

Well, I mean, actually it's really...

Kerry’s fault.

It was his idea to...

Well, I mean, it wasn't all his idea.

I came up with some of the stuff too, but,

It would be just like Kerry to try trying to take all the...

credit for it.

But it was his idea to get lost.

Well, we actually stole that idea,

but it was his idea to steal it.

Shhh!

Bllth-blll-blither... blll...

It's all fucked now!

I'm sorry.

It was my idea

to go east...

I mean south!

I’m so scared!

I can't open my eyes.

Oh, I'm too scared to close them...

I’m so scared I have to keep them at half mast like this...

And it’s giving me a terrible headache!

And I haven’t had a bowel movement for three days!

What? What’s don’t...

We are going to die out here...

(Crying.)

I want to say goodbye to my grandparents.

Adam! Quit hamming it up!

It's my turn!

It’s all my fault!

Actress?

I can’t sleep. Can you sleep?

Not with that light in my face, Adam.

Well, because, you know, I was just thinking,

You know, I mean,

we kinda don't have anything to do out here.

And, um, why don't we just...

What's really wrong with... why don't you just...

What's the big deal?

Why don't we just make a porn?

Oh, God.

It's harmless, right? I mean, it's free...

...so what's really, what's the big deal?

No.

Why? I mean, don't you like sex?

And isn't it natural?

Everyone does it, right?

So, I mean, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal.

I mean, you just,

I mean, just be honest, be honest,

Broken record!

...you enjoy...

Okay!

There’s nothing else going on...

Okay.

Yeah. Let's make a porn.

Really?

Yeah. That’d be great.

Oh, okay.

We’ll do it right now.

Yeah? Sure, yeah!

Okay. Well, I don't know what to do. I mean, what do we do?

Take your clothes off.

Oh. Okay.

Take your pants off.

Uhm...

Adam?

Right.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I got it.

This is going to be really good.

I’ll put my boots on, and we can do it.

And I'm just going to be wearing the boots, and nothing else...

It’ll be like a gimmick.

I mean, look, when my dad see this?

Take your pants off.

I mean, maybe my dad might see this.

Oh, everyone's going to see it.

It's going to be big.

I'm going to have the boots on.

What about, um…

Yeah, take the pants off.

But I mean, uhm, shit...

Do I have to show my face?

Yeah.

Look, I'm thinking that maybe, uhm,

that maybe, wait, wait... What’s that?

I hear something. Do you hear that?

Oh, no, I don’t hear anything.

No, no, shush, listen.

No, I really think we should make this porn right now, Adam. Come on now!

Oh, I know: bend over.

No. Owe! Hey owe! No! Actress! That was my ass!

Help!

You hear that?

Listen...

No...

You guys!

Oh, my God. Is that Kerry?

Okay... camera... are you rolling?

No, No, no! It’s like...

Kerry!

Owe!

Kerry!

Yoo-hoo!

I’m over here!

That way!

Kerry!

That’s the wrong way.

Kerry!

Hey!

Over here!

What? Over there!

Okay. This way, this way, this way,

Kerry!

Kerry!

Kerry!

Kerry!

I say we go back to the tent.

I think he’s just fucking around with us.

What? He's not. He's just fucking around with us.

Don't you want to find him anyway so we can beat the shit out of him?

Yeah.

I’m over here!

That way.

Kerry!

Kerry!

Oh. Oh, shit.

Fuck. Shit.

Christ. Mother of Fuck.

Holy fuck.

Okay. We're not going to go in there, right?

What?

What do you mean?

Well, this is obviously a scary, horrible place.

There is God knows what in there waiting for us!

I mean...

why is it that everybody in the whole

fucking world knows we shouldn't go in there except us?

Well, what do we do?

Well, we just, we’re smart about it, you know?

We just don't go in.

Oh, okay.

Uhm, Actress?

You want to go in?

All right.

All right.

Kerry!

Kerry!

Kerry!

Kerry!

Kerry, are you in here?

Kerry? Kerry?

Quit screwin around., man! Come on, Kerry!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Look! Look, Look!

What?

It’s uh...

Uhm, it’s uh...

Oh, my God. It's rabbit turds!

Giant rabbit turds!

Can you say “dung,” please?

“Dung.” Not turds.

Sorry.

My God.

If there's dung and that means there's...

Oh, my God!

Kerry! Kerry!

Kerry!

Kerry!

(Screaming.)

Actress!

Hey!

Actress!

Why are you screaming like that?

He's got to be in the basement.

The basement?

Why the basement?

Because, I mean, in the basement it’s just...

Well, I mean he's not going to be in the kitchen,

or the sunroom is he? Or the den?

Why not?

Well, I mean because...

God, you just don't get it, do you?

I mean, can we just try the basement?

I don't want to go to the basement!

Fine! I don’t care! Go to the attic!

I don't care. I'm going to the basement!

I think he’s down here.

Adam?

Kerry!

Adam!

Kerry!

Oh, oh, oh, my God! Kerry!

Oh, oh, oh, my God! Kerry! We’re all gunna die! Oh, my God!

I can’t believe this shit!

Will you shut up? My God!

I’m trying to take a leak!

You’re okay?

Yeah, I’m okay,

I just found this bitchin’ house.

I thought we could shoot some scenes down here.

This is bullshit!

You had it scared to death!

We're not all going to die?

Not that I can see.

And there is no Blair Rabbit, is there?

I'm afraid not.

Oh, God. This whole movie we've been tracking some kind of terrible monster mutant rabbit,

and, the premise of this movie is the Goddamned rabbit,

and now nothing?

No, no payoff?

I'm never going to get on TV now.

Does doesn't make for a very exciting end to our story.

Well,

...not all movies live up to their promises, Adam.

That’s the gamble we all take we fork over our eight-fifty at the box office.

Maybe we'll get our money's worth.

Maybe we won't.

(Slurp.)

But it's not really about the money, is it?

No. We've also wasted our time.

And who do we have to blame?

The studios? The filmmakers?

No.

We have ourselves to blame.

Because as long as we keep handing over money to the studios for shitty

movies, they're going to keep making shitty movies.

Why do you think Jan De Bont and Renny Harlin keep making movies?

Because we don't ask for our money when the last one sucked.

Can't blame the studio executives.

They don't know good from bad. They aren't supposed to!

They're supposed to make money because this is America,

And in America we vote with our dollars.

And Goddammit, I love this country.

So the next time the studios serve up crap, don't just suck it up with a straw.

Ask for your money back.

Demand your money back!

This isn't just about movies.

This is about our freedoms.

This is about truth, justice, and the American way.

What price, Liberty?

Eternal vigilance!

Uh, Kerry?

...this is our movie.

And it's not a studio picture,

it's an indie film.

Well...

that's true.

And now, Kerry, we don't have an end to our movie.

Um.

I’m going home.

Me too.

Wait. Don't go.

I knew this is going to be a waste of time...

You guys can't go home.

Why not?

Well, we're lost!

Adam?

We're lost; you can’t go!

Adam? No, we’re not.

Adam?

Hello? Are you listening to me?

Let’s go.

What are you doing?

Wait you guys, we can’t go home.

Adam, are you filming my tits?

And are you telling my tits?

Adam! Hey! Let’s go!

What? What?

I think I hear something.

Kerry. No, shh-shhh-shhh! I’m serious.

You're an idiot.

No, no.

Listen!

Can we leave now, please?

I think I hear... no, you guys think I hear something!

Ahhk!

(Screaming.)

(and more screaming...)

Get thee back, bastard rabbit, child of Satan!

Oh, my God! He’s on fire!

Kerry, drop!

Kerry! Stop, drop, and roll!

Roll!

Keep rolling!

Oh, my God.

Nobody said the rabbit could breath fire!

That isn’t fair!

Actress? Run!!!!

Adam!!

Adam! Adam! Adam!

Roar!

Adam! No!

Holy-mother...

No! Adam! Adam! Run!

This is bad!

I gotta get outta here!

(Continued screaming and terror...)

Adam! Adam!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

(Screaming, crying, and wailing...)

(Screaming, crying, and wailing... and stabbing sounds.)

Adam! Adam! Fight back!

Fight back! Adam! Adam!

Stand up!

Adam! No!

Adam! Run!

Run!

Actress! Run!

Save yourself!

Oh, God.

Agghh!

Grrr... grrrr... grrrowl.

Adam! Oh God!

(The sounds of tearing and eating flesh...)

(The sound of crying.)

(Scary music.)

Oh, yes!

Yes! Yes!

(Wilhelm Scream.)

Yes, yes. Okay.

Roar!

There’s no-one in here!

Go away!

Whoa!

Whoa.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Grrrr.

Grrrr. Rowl.

Hu-hu-hoo.

(Sound of an ax chopping...)

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Oh.

Hasta la vista...

Rabbit.

Ooh, oh.

Ahhhk.

Rr-rreh.

Ouch.

Rrr... rrrh. Aoohg?

Uh-oh.

Rrr... ah!

Oh, oh.

Oh, my God.

Oh, oh, my God.

Please tell me you got this.

It’s still recording!

It... it’s still recording!

Of all the dumb luck! Can you believe I found that gun?

I killed the Rabbit!

I’ve gotta get back to town!

I've got to get this tape back to town!

Oh, my God.

I'm going to be famous!

This tape going to make me famous!

I'm going to be a star.

I'm going to have my own show!

It's going to be called the “Actress Show.”

No, it's going to be called the “Marleis Marlais Show... ”

No! It's going to be called...

Ugh... oh. Oh, oh.

Raarrw.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

...oh ah.