Original subtitles

♪♪

-♪ Hey, everybody, have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in, hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies, so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties, boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪♪

[Flesh tears, man screams]

[Bell tolls]

♪♪

-Thank you very much.

Tonight, for our annual Valentine's Day special,

which we called Joe Bob's Vicious Vegas Valentine,

"The Last Drive-In" comes to you from downtown

Las Vegas, Nevada, the wedding capital of the world

and the gambling capital of the world.

Coincidence? I think not.

Love is in the air here at the Fremont

Wedding Chapel on historic Fremont Street,

where it all started 93 years ago

when Nevada Governor Fred Balzar

legalized gambling, number one,

and then made Vegas the easiest and quickest place

in the United States to get married.

He got rid of the blood test

and he got rid of the waiting period.

And he basically said,

"You want to get married? Come here.

We don't care whether you have syphilis or not,"

because, you know, that's why they did the blood test.

So love is in the air on Fremont Street

and lust is in the air on Las Vegas Boulevard,

better known as The Strip, a few blocks south of here,

where on land goes for $300 million an acre,

hotels cost $9 billion to build,

and professional showgirls make $39,000 a year on average.

Which reminds me, Darcy the Mail Girl,

who knows, um, Vegas very well.

She, um, used to dance here professionally.

So she is with us tonight for Joe Bob's Vicious Vegas

Valentine's Show.

And she'll be answering your tweets and your emails

and your instants and your TikToks and your reels

and your goddamn Valentines today.

Darcy, How many valentines have you received so far this year?

-I mean, too many to count.

-Yeah, well -- -How many have you gotten?

-Zero. -Aww.

-I always received zero, so don't rub it in.

-I'll send you a valentine.

Nope. I don't want a pity valentine.

You know, I'll just get drunk and watch love story porn

on the Hallmark Channel as usual.

-That's a little extreme.

-She wasn't looking for love,

but on that weekend trip to the lodge in Vermont,

she met Colin, and their eyes met

when she helped him tie his plaid snow scarf.

You know, why they're always wearing those funky scarves

in Hallmark movies, you know?

How can you resist my fashionable Cashmere neckwear?

-You love those moves.

-Well, they rope you in because they have those scenes

where you go, "I can't believe she said that

and nobody puked," you know? [Laughter]

-I know exactly what you mean.

-Yeah, well, at least somebody knows what I mean.

So, Darcy, you were a Vegas showgirl.

-I mean, I danced that Spearmint Rhino.

-Spearmint Rhino?

I thought you danced at, um Cheetahs.

That's the cool -- isn't that gentlemen's club?

You know, like the Vatican of all gentlemen's clubs?

-I mean, it's the most famous one.

I worked at both, actually.

-So you love Vegas, though, right?

-I mean, I don't really love that Vegas.

I would come here and stay it in the Stratosphere

because they had two cheap rooms and work two nights

and make enough money for the whole month

and then get back on a plane and go back home.

-Really? So the Start was the place.

You know, that didn't sound like the Vegas spirit, Darcy

Because the Vegas spirit is Elizabeth Berkley

shoving Gina Gershon down the stairs and breaking her hip

so she can replace her and star in the big casino show, right?

-I thought you hated "Showgirls?"

-I'm not a fan of "Showgirls," but I know that you are.

And I just think you could have pushed Gina Gershon

down the stairs, you know, while you were a dancer here.

And you could have ended up dancing the lead in Jubilee

or, you know, they all have names like that.

You know, one weird name is Fantasy or -- [Laughs]

I think "Jubilee" is the biggest one,

the biggest topless show.

I don't know if it's still there.

-I do not want to push Gina Gershon

down the stairs.

I love Gina Gershon.

-Well, I just know one of the opening scenes

in "Showgirls" is Kyle MacLachlan

getting a lap dance at Cheetah's.

So -- so, yeah, you could have -- you could have

pushed Gina Gershon down the stairs.

You never would have had to lower yourself

to being the Mail Girl. -How do you know I didn't give

Kyle MacLachlan a lap dance?

-Damn, Darcy. You -- you know everybody.

But you -- but yet you didn't stay at one of the, you know,

cool, hipster hotels.

You -- you stayed at the STRAT...

-Mm-hmm. -...which is the one

with the space needle thing, you know, and the --

They used to have a roller coaster on the roof, right?

-Yeah, it was awesome.

-So -- so you came for the coasters?

-I mean, sort of, yeah. -[Laughs]

-Don't you think you should explain

why you're dressed up as Elvis?

-Well, I think everybody knows why I'm dressed up like Elvis.

I mean, I think the Elvis wedding

is probably the most popular quickie Vegas wedding there is.

But these wedding chapels in Vegas

will do any kind of cosplay you want.

I mean, you can get married by Marilyn Monroe,

by the Blues Brothers, Tom Jones.

You get married by a Marvel superhero,

and not just Elvis.

You can get married by zombie Elvis,

so you can get married at the Taco Bell on the Strip.

The Taco Bell actually promotes their weddings heavily.

So you get married during a half marathon race

if you're a runner, you know?

They do that once a year.

You can get married on a bicycle by a guy dressed up

like Lance Armstrong, and he'll inject you

with steroids during the ceremony.

-You can not. [Laughter]

-I know, but all those other ones I said are true.

And you know Dyanne Thorne? Remember her?

She starred in "Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS."

She owned a Vegas wedding chapel,

and she'd -- but she would do a lot of characters for weddings.

Oddly enough, she was not asked to do "Ilsa"

that often for -- for weddings.

I mean, I miss Dyanne. She was a lot of fun.

She just passed away, um, about three years ago.

So anyway, there's kind of four levels

of Elvis weddings, you know?

They're the professional Elvie, you know,

the guys who can actually sing like Elvis, you know?

There are actors who can transform themselves

into the every day Elvis,

you know, like Bruce Campbell in "Bubba Ho-Tep"

and that guy that just won the Golden Globe

whose name I don't remember. [Laughter]

And then the third level is,

you know, the guys who just look good in the costume.

And then there's me.

I'm actually an Elvis impersonator impersonator,

because I can't do anything that Elvis did.

-You can sing. -Please.

You know, remember when we took

all the Mutants on that tour of Graceland last summer?

-I'll never forget that.

-It kind of made me sad because there is

sadness running through the life of Elvis

at almost every stage, you know?

-You can't be sad tonight, though.

You have to do a wedding. -Yes.

We're going to have an actual wedding on the show tonight.

On our -- on our Christmas show,

if you remember, we auctioned off

a Las Vegas wedding officiated by yours truly.

And the winners are a couple from Minneapolis,

Oliver and Shelby, who are over at the luxurious El Cortez Hotel

preparing for their Freemont Wedding Chapel nuptials.

Why are you laughing?

-I mean, you put them at the El Cortez.

-Yes, we did. What?

-And you're making fun of me for staying at the STRAT

-What is wrong with the El Cortez?

-Nothing. It's one of the finest

100-year-old hotels in the world.

-It's not 100 years old, you know?

I guess it just looks that way.

-It's actually -- it is, I happen to know,

it's 82 years old.

It's the oldest continuously operating casino in America,

the first resort built in Vegas five years before

Bugsy Siegel built the Flamingo.

-Fascinating. [Laughter]

-Oliver and Shelby said they wanted an old Vegas experience,

so that's why...

-That's not an old Vegas experience.

That's a prehistoric Vegas.

-Well, Darcy, that's what

we're all about at "The Last Drive-In."

And that's what we celebrate, things like that.

So... -We celebrate things

that ceased to be cool five generations ago.

-Yes, we do. [Laughter]

And Oliver and Shelby, they're fine with that.

So I already talked to them,

and speaking of that, John Brennan.

John Brennan, ladies and gentlemen,

our musical director, our wardrobe consultant.

John, I need you to head over to the El Cortez,

Check in with Oliver.

Make sure he's psychologically prepared

to get married on this show.

-I'm on a, King. -Alright.

[Laughing] So and our long time friend, Felissa Rose,

the star of "Sleepaway Camp."

She'll be joining Shelby's entourage to make sure

that Shelby is psychologically prepared to be married

in a cheap chapel on a cheap horror show

hosted by a cheap Elvis impersonator impersonator.

So, Darcy, check in with Felissa,

make sure she's in touch with -- with Shelby.

And -- because Felissa -- Felissa can be

distracted by Vegas.

-Oh, yes, she can. -So --

-Maybe you should tell everyone

that we also have a movie.

[Laughter]

-Okay. Thanks for reminding me. -Your welcome.

-Yes, we have two great love story movies tonight.

And the first one is "Phantom of the Mall: Eric's Revenge."

Like there's a colon in there.

Phantom of the Mall: Eric's Revenge,"

which let's -- let's start out with.

Why would you put a colon in your title

and give away the name of the killer

and make the movie sound like a sequel?

And the answer is they wanted everybody to think

it was a sequel.

Like, we're that stupid, you know?

"Hey, honey, you know 'Phantom of the Mall:

Eric's Revenge' is coming out this weekend.

You know how we loved the original 'Phantom of the Mall?'

I don't remember what was in it, but we love that one."

So, like, you're such a slasher movie degenerate

that you've seen so many slashers

you actually believe somewhere back

in the rear lobe of your brain

that you did see a movie called "Phantom of the Mall."

And it was so good and so popular

that now they're making another one.

[Laughter]

-I have Felissa on the line.

-You do? -Yeah.

-Okay, put her -- put her on speaker.

Felissa? -Mangled Dick.

-Felissa, Felissa, Felissa, don't say that.

We're not doing the mangled dick thing tonight.

You know, we have cool people getting married on the show.

-Oh, I know all about it.

-Well, I need you to go over to the El Cortez.

Where are you now?

-[ Chuckles] Where do you think I am?

-Okay, leave the bar, Felissa.

Go to the El Cortez, find Shelby and make sure

everything is okay with her.

-Okay, okay. But I just have a question.

Is it legal for me to carry drinks on the street?

Because I just ordered another Alien Nipple.

-An Alien Nipple? What is an Alien Nipple?

-I have no idea.

-Well, it's Vegas, so I'm sure you can carry an Alien Nipple

out on the street, so we'll see you later tonight.

-I can't wait. -Okay.

[ Line clicks]

Where was I?

-Um, you were speaking for 15 minutes

about the title of the movie.

[Laughter]

-Oh, yeah, okay. So one of the greatest

drive-in movies of the '80s was "The Seduction."

Remember that? Directed by --

Actually directed by David Schmoeller

of "Tourist Trap" fame.

David Schmoeller was a film professor

here at University of Nevada, Las Vegas for many years.

And "The Seduction" starred Morgan Fairchild.

It was her first real drive-in movie.

Well, she's back in "Phantom of the Mall: Eric's Revenge."

She's pouty, she's sequined, She's wearing too much makeup.

She's the evil mayor in stiletto heels

who's killing people all over the lot

so that someday she can be a profit partner

in a shopping mall development deal.

And yes, that's the evil motive.

So that's it.

So obviously, a California screenwriter.

Unfortunately for Morgan, another crazed killer,

half Freddy Krueger, half high school jock in a leather jacket,

is roaming through the air conditioning ducts of the mall,

breathing heavily through a mask

he carved off of a Sears mannequin,

polishing the automatic crossbow

that he lifted from Oshman's Sporting Goods.

And does anybody remember Oshman's Sporting Goods?

We're talking about the '80s, you know?

You're going to see lots of big name mall stores

that no longer exist in this movie,

adding greatly to the nostalgia value here.

Anyway, his name, as you know from the movie's title,

is Eric, and Eric's face was horribly mutilated

in a fire set by an arsonist that killed both of his parents.

And it was during his senior year,

so he's really bummed out about missing graduation.

Fortunately for us, Morgan Fairchild

is one of those California mayors

who spends every waking moment walking around the mall.

So in the movie's most exciting moment,

this gruesome geek phenom gets to throw her wiggling,

sequined, evening dressed,

high heeled body through a glass window

and watch her fall three stories into the mall atrium

where she is impaled on an ice sculpture.

There are some movies worth watching for just one scene.

So I'm going to alert you to that one

when that one's coming up.

So let's take a look at those drive-in totals and get started.

We have 8 breasts, 11 dead bodies,

1 motor vehicle chase with 3 crashes and 1 explosion,

2 epic fistfights, eye-popping electric-fan

brain slicing, dempster dumpster

body-burning, boyfriend barbecue,

body parts in the ice cream bowl,

cobra-in-the-commode attack, guy gets escalatored to death,

face-eating rats, trash-compactor head chopping,

coffin ripping, head bashing, multiple stomach-stabbing,

mooning, gratuitous ninja attack in the mall parking lot,

gratuitous Pauly Shore, gratuitous Brinke Stevens,

head rolls, eyeballs roll,

Kung fu, crossbow fu, forklift fu, lasso fu,

flamethrower fu, mannequin fu, mall fu.

Drive-In Academy Award nominations

for Kari Whitman as the screamer,

Derek Rydall all as the body builder creep

in the crawl spaces who says,

"Without me, you have no life."

Morgan Fairchild, for her superb use of eyeliner

and The Vandals for their none hit song,

"Is There a Phantom in the Mall?"

Three stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

Whoo!

[Laughter]

So, did you lap dance Kyle MacLachlan?

-I would never name names,

but I did lap dance a few famous folks.

-Will there be a Darcy tell-all books one of these days?

-Actually, there's one I can name

because he gave me an autographed photo

to put up on the wall of the club.

So I would take it to mean that he's okay with that.

-Wow. You mean your lap dance was so good

he gave you a souvenir? [Laughter]

-All of my lap dances are great.

But yes, he was appreciative.

-But he was appreciative, huh?

Who was it?

-"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan.

-Oh, Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

And of course, it would be a pro wrestler, right?

Was that at Spearmint Rhino?

-No, it's actually in a club

called Sweet Nothings in Charleston,

which is like the very first place I ever worked.

He came into the club, and I was the only person

he recognized him.

-What was Hacksaw Jim Duggan's finishing move

when he was a wrestler?

-The three-point stance clothesline.

-What was your finishing move?

-Depends who I was lap dancing.

-Ooh, if I know what you mean, and I think I do.

-You do.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

-[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Keys jingle]

♪♪

-What the hell?

You ain't no mannequin.

This ain't Halloween, pal.

Where do you think you're going, huh?

[Groans]

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

-Midwood, your time has come.

No more shopping in the rain, no more trucking

45 miles to the Southern Mall.

No, thank you!

No more "Saturday night, and where are my kids?"

And on a personal note, as a beloved parent,

it gives me great personal pleasure to share with you this,

our wonderful mall -- the new Midwood Mall.

[Cheers and applause]

[Indistinct conversations]

-Melody?

-Believe me, Mr. Webster, it's perfectly alright.

I do understand if you need someone a little more qualified.

-You can start tomorrow.

Here's your uniform.

-Thank you so much, Mr. Webster. You won't be sorry

I'll do a real good job.

Thanks a lot.

-The driving force, the person that is responsible

for all of this, the Mayor of Midwood,

Miss Karen Wilton.

-Alright, Karen!

[Cheers and applause]

-Thank you. Thank you all very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, when I was campaigning

for the office of Mayor of this city,

I made you some promises, and today,

we see our efforts come to fruition.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have finally succeeded

in putting Midwood on the map!

-Alright! -Hear, hear!

[Cheers and applause]

[Indistinct conversations]

♪♪

Today we have a new town center.

We have new jobs. -Mel!

Give me the good news.

[Gasps] You got it! -Yeah!

-Oh, that's great.

[Applause]

-And as we complete each phase of the mall project,

we'll light another section of the mall model.

-I don't know how she does it.

She always looks so perfect.

-Ladies and gentlemen, phase one!

[Applause]

-Thank you!

Okay, folks, don't forget,

I know some of you have already received your invitations

to the Mall Investors 4th of July ceremony.

Mark it on your calendar, and we'll see you all there.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

[Lid clanks]

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

♪♪

-Here, you guys.

-Thanks.

Bye. -Mm-hmm.

-[Chuckles]

[Both clear throat]

-Melly, Suzie, how you guys doing, huh?

-They let you handle the food?

-I promise not to spit in your yogurt.

-Ugh! I'll pass.

She'll have a vanilla, Buzz.

-Okay, vanilla.

-Trail mix.

♪♪

-Here you go. Melody, what are you gonna have?

-Um, I think I might have a vanilla also.

-[Gasps]

-Oh, hey, hey...

Hey, ears are extra.

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm

-Oh, gross!

-I'd share with you guys,

but really, look, there's not enough for three.

-Buzz off, Buzz!

-I heard that one before.

-Skylight over here.

You've got four major department stores, 60 clothing stores.

Speaking of which, gentlemen, if you're tired of this

P.R. talk, we could stop here.

Hello. -Can I help you?

-I'll have a small vanilla, please.

Hello, ladies. -Hi!

-You enjoying the mall? -Oh, it's great.

We both start working tomorrow.

-Oh, great!

Now, this is just what I'm talking about --

new mall, new jobs.

In fact, why don't we get a photograph with the ladies?

You don't mind, do you? -No.

-Not at all! -Oh, great!

[Camera shutter clicks]

♪♪

Thank you. -[Chuckles]

-Hi, how are you?

-Thanks. -It's perfect.

-Now, if you would like to go downstairs with me,

I'll be glad to show...

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

-Hello. -Hi.

-I know this sounds corny, but you look familiar to me.

-You look familiar, too.

-That fire last year, I'm the one

who took your picture when they brought you in.

-You have a good memory.

-That fire happened around here somewhere, didn't it?

-Yeah, you're standing on it.

-You know, you were pretty hysterical that night.

I remember you kept saying you saw some guy.

-Yeah, I saw him.

-You said he had a medal in his ear?

-Yeah, some kind of religious symbol.

-I don't know about you, but that sounds suspicious to me.

-Yeah.

But no one ever believed me.

No investigation, nothing.

Eric was murdered, and nobody cared.

-Wait!

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to press you.

It's my reporter's instincts getting out of hand again.

I'm Peter.

Peter Baldwin.

-I'm Melody Austin.

-It's nice to meet you, Melody Austin.

-It's nice to meet you.

-I am sorry...

about your boyfriend.

-Thanks.

I guess I'm just not over it yet, that's all.

♪♪

-Surprise!

[Chuckles]

Mwah! -Thanks.

-You're welcome.

-Orchids! I love orchids.

-What's the matter?

♪♪

They're just orchids.

-You don't understand.

-Nice flowers.

Mel, what's wrong?

-Buddy, I think it's time for a little talk.

-What's wrong?

-Look, I kinda overheard your conversation of yours and Mel's.

-How? -I got this special talent

called supersonic hearing.

I mean, I can listen to one conversation

while the whole time I'm, like, involved

in another, man, it's weird.

But I've been doing it since I was a kid.

-I'm impressed. -Look, anyway...

Look, I heard you were talking to Melody, right,

and you gotta lay off her.

I mean, she's really been through a lot.

-Why don't you let her tell me that?

♪♪

-No. Nope, absolutely not, you can't borrow my car.

No, you already wrecked two this month.

-Thanks a lot, Dad, okay?

You know what? I'm just gonna take Mom's car.

-You little prick!

[Indistinct conversations]

-I mean, she and Eric, I mean, they were the perfect couple.

You know, they were so in love.

And she's just starting to get back to a normal thing,

a normal life, you know?

-So, what do you think?

Was it arson?

-Beats me.

I think someone dropped the ball on the investigation.

-Yeah. Me, too.

-Hey! -Hey, watch it!

-[Chuckles] See that kid? His dad owns this whole mall.

Don't worry, jerks run in their family.

-I didn't mean to upset her. -Don't worry about it.

Melody doesn't talk to people she doesn't like.

[Footsteps clanking]

-[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

[Fans screeching]

-[Grunting]

♪♪

[Flesh tears]

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

-This one's great.

I knew I shouldn't have eaten that pizza last night.

I hope it still fits.

-Relax, Suze, you look great in everything.

-Oh, yes, my dear.

I think I recognize you.

I do, both of you.

[Laughs]

Yeah.

Now, don't leave it on the floor.

You've gotta bend over and take it.

Yes. [Laughs]

Oh, God!

Oh, yeah, now look at these.

They just look right up at you.

Oh, yes, my dear!

[Laughs]

Alright, here's a new one.

Oh, yeah, come on, take it off.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yes. Now the bra.

Yes...

Oh, don't do that!

Oh, man, I thought we were gonna have a show here.

-Hey, shut that damn thing off.

Posner's coming in on five.

-There's some kind of strange knocking in

the G section ventilation ducts.

Check it out. -Right, Chief.

[Keyboard clacking]

What the hell are you waiting on, asshole?

Go check it out.

-Hey, man, not now. Come on!

It'll go away by itself anyway.

-Get off your fat ass and go down there

and check it out right now!

[Sniffs] Son of a...

[Ominous music plays]

[Indistinct conversations]

-Suzie, look at this.

It's beautiful.

-Oh, it's nice.

-Yeah, but it's expensive.

-My approach is simple -- if you like it, buy it.

Besides, you're employed now.

-I can't.

I gotta save my money for college.

-"I gotta save my money for college.

I gotta save my money for college."

Don't you ever do anything on impulse?

-No.

♪♪

[Keys jingling]

-Hey, girls, you wanna pull my chain?

[Laughs]

-[Breathing heavily]

[Bangs vent]

♪♪

[Fan whirring]

-[Sniffles]

-Gosh, that security guard was such a jerk.

-That's what I like about the mall,

you meet charming guys like that.

-Hello, ladies. -Hi!

-Have a nice day.

[Fan whirring]

[Banging]

[Banging]

[Banging continues]

♪♪

[Steady banging]

♪♪

[Banging stops]

♪♪

[Switch clicks]

[Screaming]

[Electricity crackling]

♪♪

-Harv, am I interrupting anything?

-No, no, come on in.

I'm just doing some initial work on my shop rental revenues.

This mall is going to be a gold mine,

and when I finish with my plans for expansion,

there's gonna be even bigger bucks.

-Well, actually that's what I stopped by

to talk to you about, Harv.

First, I wanted to congratulate you

on a very successful opening,

and then I just thought you might be interested to know

that there's some talk going on downtown about, um...

supporting you for the city council.

And if things keep going the way they have been around here,

I might be persuaded to throw my support behind you, too.

-Oh, Karen, I -- I want you to know

that your guidance and support

is of the utmost importance to me.

I mean that. I mean that sincerely.

-Gee, Harv, you sound like

you're running for office already.

Oh, by the way, can you keep a leash

on that son of your, Justin?

I'm getting complaints from the shop owners already.

Bye, Harv.

-Bye, Karen.

Stop by anytime.

♪♪

[Body thuds]

Oh, shit.

♪♪

God!

[Static]

♪♪

-Have you ever noticed that all the songs

you've written on "The Last Drive-In"

are in the key of G?

-Alright, sit down.

I've had enough of this malarkey.

This is a pop quiz, Lover boy.

Question one, are you prepared to never

eat snacks in bed again

because a spouse always knows?

That's right, crumbs.

Question two, have you ever seen the movie

"Love Story" with Ali MacGraw and Ryan O'Neal?

-No. -Well, the tagline

for that movie is

"Being in love means never having to say you're sorry."

That is a lie.

Being in love means always having to you're sorry

in order to keep the peace.

Are you prepared for that?

-Yeah. -Question three,

are you prepared to fake IBS

just so you can get away for an hour a day

and sit on the toilet bowl?

-I-I already do that.

-You already do that?

You crazy son of a bitch.

Well, listen.

As you can tell, I'm dressed in all black

because this is a funeral for your single life.

But sometimes when you die,

you get to the Kingdom of Heaven.

-What? -Follow me, my boy.

We're going drinking. To the Strip!

♪♪

[Flesh tears, man screams]

♪♪

-And so dead bodies are dropping out of ceilings,

just the way we like it here at "he Last Drive-In."

Did anybody notice Brinke Stevens?

One of the three top '80 scream queens.

She was one of the girls getting spied on by the security perv

as she undressed at the store.

Brinke was one of the hardest

working actresses in Hollywood for 20 years.

She -- she did big roles, small roles,

or in this case, quickie breast exposure roles.

You know, a true trouper.

That store where the nubile hotties

are getting dressed was called Wet Seal.

They used the actual stores in the mall.

Does Wet -- I don't even remember Wet Seal.

Does Wet Seal still exist?

D--Do you shop at Wet Seal, Darcy?

-No, but it sounds nasty.

-It does sound nasty, but - but you --

you would never buy clothes at Wet Seal.

-I totally would, yeah. -Okay, so...

But there's not a lot of suspense

about who's doing the killing, right?

Would have been better to remove "Eric's Revenge" from the title

and make us think it was Pauly Shore doing the killing.

You know, Pauly Shore is a serial killer.

I would rather watch that.

You know, this was actually Pauly Shore's film debut,

and the guy playing Eric, we've seen him before.

He was the bungling boyfriend opposite

Jill Schoelen in "Popcorn," Derek Rydall.

This movie was made two years before "Popcorn."

"Popcorn" would turn out to be Rydall's last movie.

He became a writer.

That poor bastard, you know? [Laughter]

So anyway, he was doing all his own stunts in this movie.

And as you'll see, there are some hellacious stunts.

So Derek Rydall was the male lead

in two of your favorite movies, Darcy?

D-Did you ever get to lap dance Derek Rydall?

-No names. -Alright.

Anyway, this movie was produced by Chuck Fries,

and I don't think the general public

knows who Chuck Fries was,

but he was -- I think he was the inventor, actually,

of the TV movie.

If he wasn't the inventor, he made more TV movies

than any human being alive, including some horror movies

for -- for TV like "Terror at London Bridge."

You remember that one? That's a great one.

When they -- they moved the old London Bridge

to Lake Havasu City, Arizona,

which were it still stands today.

And this -- the spirit of Jack the Ripper

went with the bridge.

And David Hasselhoff has to kill the Jack the Ripper ghost.

How great is that as a TV movie?

-Yes. -Anyway, Chuck Fries'

company Fries Entertainment, was trying to branch out

and get into theatrical features,

and so they decided to make this movie.

And that may be why Morgan Fairchild

is in the movie, because Morgan Fairchild

starred -- she starred in several thousand TV movies.

but they used the same mall that we we already saw

before in "Chopping Mall."

It's the Sherman Oaks Galleria,

which is kind of the typical '80s mall.

Some scenes in this movie were shot while the mall,

in fact, a lot of scenes were shot

while the mall was actually open.

So you're going to see random people

going in and out of the stores.

And the reason they shot it in a mall

and wrote the story about a mall

is that it was directed at a teen audience.

And the reasoning was, where do teens spend

all their time?

At the mall, and I guess there was

a period in American history

where that was apparently true, unfortunately.

But Hollywood loved this particular mall

because they use it in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High,"

"Valley Girl," "Night of the Comet,"

"Commando," "Terminator 2."

You know, the list goes on and on.

I think partly because the management

of the mall, they didn't care.

They would let you do anything there.

You could blow stuff up there.

In fact, they had a big pyrotechnic stunt in this movie

and they were afraid that their control fire

might set off the sprinkler system.

And so the mall tech guy told them, no problem,

just put some Styrofoam cups around each sprinkler head.

The smoke will never get to the trigger on the smoke alarm.

Apparently bad advice. [Laughter]

They did set off the sprinkler system.

All the stores were drenched in water.

The bookstore, in particular, was not amused by this.

The mall had to be shut down for two full days.

However, they continued to shoot there

even during those two full days. All right, Darcy.

I know you were asking me why people get married in Vegas.

-I was?

-Yes, Darcy, you were asking me...

-I mean, why did people get married in Vegas, Joe Bob?

-Well, I'm glad you asked me that, Darcy,

because I have this chart

where we have broken down the demographic data

as to why people run two quickie wedding chapels to get married.

Sociological experts refer to these Vegas wedding factors

as FADCIG.

And I'm going to run through them very quickly.

Numero uno,fetus.

Fetal development, baby in the oven.

Maybe if we go to Vegas now,

nobody will notice that the birth --

the birth date, you know,

doesn't quite match up with the marriage date.

So they're trying to avoid that situation

where the baby grows up and says,

hey, mom, how come you and dad got married on Tuesday

and I was born the next Thursday, you know?

Okay. [Laughter]

Numero two-o, they're drunk.

She looked like a goddess while standing in the light

emanating from the "Sharknado" slot machine.

He looked like Richard Gere in "Pretty Woman"

in the scene where he takes Julia Roberts shopping.

Three days later, she looks like the shark in "Sharknado"

and he looks like Julia Roberts.

So there are no breathalyzers at the wedding chapel.

Numero three-o, drama back home.

Baby, my mom is never going to accept your methamphetamine use,

and your dad is never going to accept

my seven-felony shoplifting conviction.

So let's go to Vegas, okay? This can be anything really.

I mean, people getting judged because you're going to marry

somebody of a different race or a different religion.

You know, out in West Texas, sometimes they can't stand it

if a Baptist wants to marry a methodist, you know?

You know, why didn't you tell us you were gay?

You know? So flights to Vegas are cheap.

Alright, Numero four-o. Cash

You work at the gas station,

your partner works at Chase Manhattan.

You want the health insurance.

You want those $20 co-pays for brain surgery.

Totally worth the flight.

Alright, Numero five-o.

You want to marry your cousin. [Laughter]

Alright, now, this one is actually impossible

to do in Vegas, but people show up

trying to do this anyway.

You live in the Ozarks. Alright.

Your family tree has no branches,

but both Missouri and Arkansas banned sex with your sister

after -- ever since that three headed baby in 2019.

They made a new law. So, what do you do?

You think Vegas is the answer,

but Nevada is actually one of 26 states

that ban first-cousin marriage.

And oddly enough, though, no problem in California.

So all you have to, once you get here,

what you're going to have to do is you can have to drive

37 minutes to Primm, Nevada,

which is on the California border.

They'll take you across the border and take care of you.

And then after you're married,

you can play the nickel slots in Whiskey Pete's Casino,

where they have the bullet-riddled Bonnie

and Clyde getaway car

and then start creating genetic mutations.

Alright, and then there's the best reason of all

to get married in Vegas.

You're a geek. You're here for the cheese.

The whole thing is going up

on Instagram five minutes after it happens.

We're marrying to "Drive-in" Mutants later tonight.

And why are they doing it here?

Because they want to stand up in front of

thousands of other Mutants like ourselves

and say we love each other and we're together

and we don't care how you're supposed to do this.

We're going to do it our way, the anti-establishment way,

the fun way.

And we want everybody to witness

this is who we are.

So Oliver and Shelby,

they're not going to chicken out, are they, Austin?

-No, they're stoked. They're so ready.

-Okay, well, they're like Eric in "Phantom of the Mall"

because he's horribly disfigured and stalking his ex-girlfriend,

and he's still in love. Oh, wait, bad example.

Okay, Oliver and Shelby,

they're actually ridiculously good looking people.

They are "Drive-In" Mutants who could sign

with the elite modeling agency at any moment.

Eric, on the other hand, is following in the footsteps

of the great phantoms of the past.

Like Lon Chaney, who --

Who was the best phantom of the opera, Darcy?

You were an expert on "Phantom of the Opera."

Who was the best one?

-It has to be Lon Chaney.

-Okay. Many would say Claude Rains, though.

It's Lon Chaney.

-Alright.

No love for Herbert Lom

in the 1962 Hammer films "Phantom?"

-A lot of love for him, but Lon Chaney.

-Okay. Robert Englund?

He was in "Phantom of the -- "Phantom of the Opera"

opposite our friend Jill Schoelen.

-And I love Robert Englund,

but it's Lon Chaney. -Okay.

The late '80s were like phantom mania,

because you had "Phantom of the Ritz"

around the same time, you had that Robert Englund,

"Phantom of the Mall."

So, and who was the musical guy.

-Michael Crawford.

-Yep, Michael Crawford.

Everybody loves Michael Crawford.

And by the way, April 16th, last night of

"Phantom of the Opera" on Broadway.

"Phantom of the Opera" is closing on Broadway

after 35 years. -Oh, that's so sad.

-But you're not usually a fan of musicals, right?

-I love "Phantom."

I love "Little Shop of Horrors."

-Okay. Well, you just love Rick Moranis.

-Yeah, that's true. -Alright.

Did you ever lap dance for Rick Moranis?

-I'm not going to tell you who I lap danced.

-Okay, back to the movie.

[Laughter]

You know, I was -- I was in acting class with the guy

who who played Raoul in "Phantom of the Opera."

You know, he's the handsome guy, you know?

And -- and he was.

The guy who I was in class with,

he was the best looking man I have ever met in my life.

I'm not going to embarrass him because there have been

several people who played roles so people don't necessarily

know who I'm talking about, but he always

wanted to be the Phantom.

He didn't want to be Raoul. He wanted to be the Phantom.

And they were like, you're too good looking to be the Phantom.

The Phantom can't be good looking, and --

But isn't that what special effects makeup is for?

You know, you do the special effects makeup on the Phantom.

The moment -- the moment of unmasking.

That's always the best moment in the movie, right?

And of course, the more messed up and hideous the face is,

the more you would enjoy lap dancing the guy, right?

-You do know me? -Yes.

Because it's like, okay, what's the opposite of normal?

That's what Darcy would do.

So mangled face, yeah. Give me some of that.

-Raar. hell, yeah.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

-You like him.

-No, I don't.

-Come on, Melody, why can't you admit

that you might be just a little attracted to Peter Baldwin?

-Well, I don't even know him.

How can I be attracted to him?

-Well, he can ask me probing questions anytime.

-[Chuckles]

He is pretty cute, huh?

-Uh-huh.

-You okay getting to your car?

-Yeah, other than they make me walk to Timbuktu.

I'll be fine.

Night, Mel. -Bye, Suze.

[Keys jingle]

[Insects chirping]

♪♪

[Engine sputtering]

♪♪

[Engine shuts off]

♪♪

[Screams] No!

[Both grunting]

♪♪

[Screaming]

-[Laughs]

♪♪

[Both grunting]

[Screams]

[Panting]

♪♪

-Are you alright?

-I don't understand.

♪♪

-This is Posner.

I may be requiring your services again.

-So, the only thing that you remember about him

is that he walked with a limp.

-Yeah, and that somebody,

I don't know who, shot him in the arm with an arrow.

-Okay, um...

Look, I'll take you home,

and then I'll report it to the police.

I know they're gonna wanna talk to you,

but for tonight, why don't you just try to get some rest?

-Okay.

-[Grunts]

♪♪

[Peaceful music plays]

♪♪

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

-[Screams]

[Birds chirping]

[Indistinct conversations]

-Pete! Have I got a scoop for you!

You know, this could be the big one.

-Yeah, thanks, Buzz, but I'm looking for Melody.

Uh, where does she work?

-Look, that's no problem, pal.

All I need is to take a moment

out of your valuable schedule just to accompany me.

Come on. -Do I have a choice?

-No.

-Deal. -Let's do it.

Okay. Now, this is unbelievable.

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

[Punching bag thudding, chain rattling]

♪♪

-One Nautilus exercise machine, one crossbow,

three pillows, one mannequin's head,

one VCR, two video cameras, one tape recorder, all missing.

-Well, you look into it and find out what the hell's going on.

-And Devin, he didn't show up yet this morning.

-I fired him last night. -What?

-Don't worry, I already hired a replacement.

-What about the other guy?

-What guy? -Stanley.

He worked the night shift. We haven't heard from him since.

-Another guard? -Huh?

-Nothing. Nothing, I just...

meant that he probably got himself another job.

-Right.

[Arcade machines playing]

[Indistinct conversations]

[Coins rattling]

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

-And let it be known that we will prosecute shoplifters

to the fullest extent of the...

law.

-I'll catch you later, Chief.

-Goddammit! How many times have I --

How many times have I told you not to --

-[Laughs] Yeah, Dad.

Too many, Dad.

Too many.

[Indistinct conversations]

[Light rock music playing]

♪♪

-♪ There goes a memory ♪

♪ Of shattered dreams ♪

♪ We'll never fill the empty space ♪

♪♪

♪ To reach the solitude ♪

♪ A glimpse of you ♪

♪ So near and yet so far away ♪

♪ Still there ain't no way to say goodbye ♪

♪ Though I know I'll never make you mine ♪

♪ Love won't die ♪

-Okay, now it's always empty this early, alright?

Now, Pete, this is gonna be in the headlines!

-Yeah, yeah, come on, let's hurry up before they come back.

-Just relax! Here, look.

Watch. Sit down.

Sit down.

No, no, no, don't touch that television set.

Now, I control the vertical,

and I control the horizontal, alright?

So, as soon as they, like, move in, we leave.

Okay, I promise.

Okay, now the scoop.

Ready? Watch this.

[Upbeat music plays]

-Hey, shh! Turn that stuff off!

-Look, it's only in here.

The public address system's off, they can't hear us.

Listen to what it does to your body.

Oh, it's unbelievable.

Oh, yeah!

Oh!

Oh, God!

♪♪

Oh!

Oh, it's real nice, huh?

-Muzak is not exactly big news, Buzz.

-Look, watch this.

♪♪

-The sales clerks are my friends.

I can buy anything I want on credit.

Shopping is fun.

I like to shop.

The sales clerks are my friends.

-See, it's subliminal. It's under the music.

-[Chuckles]

-I mean, this is hot stuff, huh?

-Deceptive, yes.

Illegal, no.

-Uh, too bad.

-Shopping makes me feel good.

Spending money makes me feel good.

Shopping is fun. -Hey, turn that crap off.

-You don't like this, do you?

I mean, you're getting a little irritated here, huh?

Okay, I'm sorry. I'll take...

-I like to spend money.

[Switch clicks]

[Ominous music plays]

-Buzz. -Hmm?

-Come here. Where is this?

-That's Sam Goody's. That's on the third floor.

Why? What's the big deal?

-Gotta go. -Wait.

Pete...

This is just great.

Well, thank you, Buzz.

[Indistinct conversations]

[Rock music playing]

♪♪

-Hi. How are you?

[Indistinct conversations]

♪♪

[Camera shutter clicks]

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

-[Whistling]

♪♪

-[Screams]

♪♪

-Excuse me!

Excuse me! -Hey!

♪♪

-[Screams]

-Shit!

♪♪

Come on!

♪♪

-[Grunts]

♪♪

-[Grunts]

♪♪

-Hey!

♪♪

-So, if you could just take those papers over to --

-Excuse me, Mayor.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

-Oh, you're the young man from the paper, aren't you?

-Right. Look, I'd like to take your

picture for our weekend section.

Do you mind?

-No, not at all. Always glad to oblige the press.

-Great.

♪♪

-[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

-Mel!

You're not gonna believe this.

We're famous.

-We are!

Front page news.

That's Peter's picture.

-Listen, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later, okay?

-Thanks, Suze.

♪♪

-Hey, Buzz, where's Melody?

-She's working over at Sleuth's.

Why, what happened, Pete?

-Gotta go. -Hey, Pete.

Huh, that's great.

Hey, hey, hey!

Wait, Suze, just one second.

-Hi, Buzz. -Look, okay,

I got a special today. OK?

I got free yogurt...

for an incredibly buxom young woman who gets her picture

on the front page of Thursday's paper.

Are you free tonight?

-Thanks, Buzz, but no thanks.

An eye!

Nice try, Buzz.

[Jukebox clanks]

[Indistinct conversations]

[Light rock music plays]

♪♪

-♪ I feel the night time call... ♪

-Melody, I have to talk to you. -Peter.

-Oh, come here, this is important.

I think I just saw the guy

who started the fire at Eric's house.

-Where? -Here, in the mall.

Look, he had the same medal

you described to me hanging from his ear.

Look, I got a picture of him.

I want you to take a look at it once it's developed.

There's something else wrong here, isn't there?

-Yeah.

First the flowers, then yesterday I go to my car,

and there was something left in my car.

It was the same dress that I wanted to buy

but I couldn't afford.

Then, right before you came in,

I went and I punched some numbers on the jukebox,

and this song started playing.

-So, somebody screwed up the records in the jukebox.

-No. This was Eric's and my song.

♪♪

Peter, it's like he's still around.

I know he's still around.

-Listen, I saw the way you looked at the flowers yesterday.

Brought back some memories, huh?

-Eric always gave me orchids.

-It's tough to lose somebody you care about.

-I'd really like to see that picture

when you get it developed.

-Great. Look, I'll bring it by later.

-So, this man could still be lurking here at the mall.

Now, the girl said he wore a black ski mask

and he walked with a limp.

And then somebody rescued her by shooting him

in the arm with an arrow.

-An arrow?

-Yeah, well, that should make things easier.

Just look for a man dragging an arm and a leg.

-We'll do our best, Mayor Wilton.

[Indistinct conversations]

-Excuse me, ladies.

It's time for my break.

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

[Hisses]

♪♪

Agh.

♪♪

[Groaning]

♪♪

[Hisses]

♪♪

[Switch clicks]

♪♪

[Water stirring]

♪♪

[Snake hisses]

Oh, my God.

[Snake hisses]

♪♪

[Snake hissing]

♪♪

No!

[Static]

♪♪

I'm so excited. -Oh, so happy for you.

I have some advice though. I do.

I have -- have advice.

You know you're gonna fight, right?

-Right. -The two of you,

you're gonna fight. You're gonna --

You're gonna really fight, like, get into it.

Fight, fight, fight. Fight until you go to sleep.

Just fight and go to bed.

-Go to bed mad?

Yeah, go to bed mad. -Yes.

-I think I heard. something like that once,

but like in a different order.

-Usually, that -- Yeah.

Well, listen to me.

After today, let yourself go.

Just let yourself go.

No deodorant, wear some sweats and slippers.

You do you. You know what?

Nothing says I'm in control than hairy legs.

-Hey, man, I'm with you. Yeah.

It's a pound move. It's good.

Ah... Oh.

And then the next one, just on a Saturday,

when you want to just sprawl out and not do anything.

Be lazy, lazy, lay on the couch.

You do it. That's what you tell him.

You do it. Don't let anyone tell you what to do.

Like, you clean the garage. No, I'll clean the garage

[I'll clean the garage. You clean the garage.

No one's cleaning the garage!

Mm.

It's going to be a magical day. [Sighs]

♪♪

[Flesh tears, man screams]

[Bell tolls]

-Well, our newlyweds will be coming by in just a few minutes.

They are just right around the corner at

the El Cortez Hotel and Casino, which I mentioned earlier.

And you know what?

Now that I think about it, um,

what better hotel could we have chosen?

Because not only was it the first resort

ever built in Las Vegas, because it opened in 1941

five years before Bugsy Siegel opened the Flamingo,

but it was also the first resort to get mobbed up by the Mafia.

And -- and the particular mob that moved in on it

was the Minneapolis mob, Kid Cann.

His real name was...

-Oh. -...Isadore Blumenfeld.

You know, and our newlyweds are from Minneapolis.

They're staying in rooms made possible

by a notorious killer from their hometown.

-Yeah! So Kid Cann was --

he was a nasty guy.

He is, actually, he's famous for murdering

one of our greatest journalists,

Walter Liggett.

He ran a newspaper in Minneapolis

that was exposing all these Minnesota politicians

who had been corrupted by the mob.

Five eyewitnesses described Kid Cann

as the guy who machine gunned Walter Liggett,

but the jury found him innocent, let him go on.

He went down to Florida and helped Meyer Lansky

run the mob in Miami and Havana.

So, yeah, long before the New York mob and the Chicago mob

and the Kansas City mob came to Las Vegas,

the Minneapolis mob ran the El Cortez Hotel in Dude Ranch

because the El Cortez was also the first dude ranch

in Las Vegas back when Vegas was a cowboy town.

And the sheriff still wore a straw hat and boots.

And so --

-Are we still watching "Phantom of the Mall?"

[Laughter]

-Sorry. Yes, we are. Um...

So I can always relate it.

Not even Kid Cann had the diabolical killing skills

of Eric as portrayed... -Oh, my God.

...by Derek Rydall.

See, I'm relating this to the movie.

-Good job. -Eric works with knives,

and he's an expert with a crossbow

and he practices kung fu all the time

and he knows how to train cobras

to crawl through the mall plumbing and bite

piano-playing rapist on the penis.

So, isn't that what just happened?

-Are you asking me?

-Are you paying attention to the movie?

You know, the penis of the pianist was pricked,

and what a dedicated mall employee that pianist was

because he didn't -- [Laughter]

He didn't even call in sick.

He has -- he has an open-bleeding chest wound

and a shoulder wound from a steel crossbow arrow

that he sustained in the previous evening's

attempted rape in the mall parking lot,

where apparently they have no security cameras

and nobody bothers to call the cops

because, you know, it's a mall parking lot.

You know, there's random

attempted rapes here all the time.

So they only have the security cameras in the stores

where they're piping in subliminal messages

underneath the Muzak,

as Pauly Shore proved in an earlier scene

that didn't really have anything to do with the movie.

So, is that pretty much it?

Is that what we watched so far?

-Yeah, I think so. -Alright.

Well, you probably weren't even born with this movie came out.

But for for my generation, you can't watch this movie

without noticing that all the mall stores

in the movie don't exist anymore.

Because we had a key scene in Sam Goody's, a record store.

First of all, does any record store exist anymore?

We should ask Justin, one of our producers, Justin Martell.

He has a record label, Ship to Shore Records.

They still do vinyl records,

but normal people don't go to record stores anymore.

Also, you'll notice B. Daltons, the bookstore.

That chain, they've been gone forever.

Miller's Outpost, Kinney Shoes,

Contempo Casual.

Did you ever shop a Contempo Casuals, Darcy?

-We couldn't afford Contempo Casuals.

-You couldn't afford it. Where did you shop?

-At S-Mart and Burlington Coat Factory.

-I know Burlington Coat Factory. What was the other one?

S-Mart. -S-Mart?

It's like -- it's a discount Kmart.

-Damn! Wow, okay.

So that's hardcore.

And Swensen's Ice Cream.

Is that where Pauly Shore works?

No, he works in the yogurt place.

But maybe it's the Swensen's Ice Cream

where they also sell yogurt. I don't know.

-Maybe. -Anyway, Swensen's --

Swensen's is gone.

This movie is just one giant buffet of mall nostalgia.

And did you have a favorite mall in Charleston.

-Malls are for fancy folks?

-Really? Okay, well...

You know, as I was saying about the El Cortez Hotel.

-Oh, my God, you are not going back to that.

-I didn't quite finish. I had a few --

-You finished.

-I want to point out, I don't think people know.

Originally, all casinos in Vegas were dude ranches.

-Is that important information for people to know right now?

-It is. So you know how -- how Vegas casinos --

This is the reason. Okay.

-Vegas casinos are famous for their bargain buffets.

-I know. I love those. I used to eat there every morning.

-Really? Well, the bargain buffet --

At the STRAT. -Yes.

-How much was the buffet?

-Like $9.95, and it had everything.

-$9.95, okay.

Well, the bargain buffet was invented by the El Cortez.

They had an around the clock "chuckwagon,"

and it was so popular that the other hotels

that were built in the 1940 and 1950s,

they copied that as the 24/7 cheap buffet.

And a year after the El Cortez was built,

some guys opened El Rancho on The Strip

and they had the same dude ranch theme.

I mean, you can actually ride horses at the casino,

not inside the casino, but, you know, on the grounds,

because El Rancho Vegas was the first hotel

on The Strip south of downtown. -Okay.

So, there are no dude ranches in "Phantom of the Mall,"

so we should probably just stick to the movie.

-And we will. And then the most --

But I want to -- I want to make this point, though.

The most elaborate dude ranch Vegas hotel

was the Last Frontier.

And that relates to us. I'm going to show you how.

Because it was built by a Texas theater owner.

Actually, he owned drive-ins.

Actually, he lived in Dallas,

but most of the theaters were in Oklahoma.

And he had three drive-ins.

He had three drive-ins in Tulsa alone --

the 11th Street, the Riverside and the Skyline.

But Art, R.E. Griffith is what I'm talking about.

He built the Last Frontier on The Strip,

and it later became the New Frontier.

And then they just called it The Frontier,

and it was a full-scale dude ranch,

probably the most elaborate dude ranch ever built.

It had this thing called the Ramona Room,

which had stone carvings by the Zuni Indians,

and many of my bolo ties you --

you probably know, are from the Zuni Tribe.

-And your point? [Laughter]

-My point is Donald Trump destroyed

the last vestiges of the Old West in Vegas

when he tore down the Frontier Hotel and Casino in 2007,

and then he didn't even put up anything in his place.

It's just a vacant lot.

Sad.

[Laughter]

-That's it?

-So the first dude ranch hotel in 1941

was the El Cortez, where our newlyweds are staying.

Then the last one was The Frontier,

which was demolished by Donald Trump in 2011.

Don't you think it'd be cool if they still had

dude ranches on The Strip?

-Why do you do this?

-My favorite thing the El Cortez though,

is -- it's that giant neon sign,

because the sigh on the El Cortez is just one word.

Gambling.

[Laughter]

That's the sign on there.

Like, you have to tell people what -- what you can do inside.

You know, it'd be like putting a giant neon sign

on the front of McDonald's that says

"Hamburgers," you know?

I mean, what else is going to be inside?

-Why? -I have to.

I have to do this. It's generic. So back to the movie.

[Laughter]

You know, for about three years I wrote this --

I wrote this column for UPI,

United Press International called The Vegas Guy.

And I go around to casinos all over the country.

I even went to Europe.

I even with the casinos in Europe,

and I would write about them, and not just casino.

I wrote about racetracks and card rooms,

any place there was gambling.

And so -- and sometimes it was fun.

But not -- not when you're reviewing the Indian casino

in Anza, California, the Cahuilla Creek Casino

where most of the roads aren't paved

and the customers are elderly Korean women

who ride the bus for two and a half hours

to play slot machines and look at the cows.

So -- -And the cows?

-They have cows at that casino because the cows

from the ranches wander up to the casino,

except on kickboxing night

because the -- the the noise scares them off.

-And how long did you do this?

-Three years I did this.

-And you remember that they have Thai kickboxing night?

-Yeah, I know. It's pathetic, isn't it?

-Just saying.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

-♪ You always had your head up in the clouds ♪

-Come on, Suzie, it's Buzz!

Let's just dance. Come on, just for a sec.

-No, Buzz, I don't want to dance.

-Look, it's so much fun, though.

-[Breathing steadily]

[Upbeat music playing on monitors]

♪♪

-Here, take a look at this.

♪♪

-Peter, I don't know.

I mean...

I can't tell.

-Sorry, it's not my best work.

-No, no, that's okay.

It's just...

If he's a security guard here,

can't we check with the security office?

-I already described him to the main office.

They said they never heard of him.

-Oh, come on!

You don't believe that, do you?

-No.

I don't trust them.

They're not gonna tell me

about what happened.

Maybe this all ties in somehow.

I'm gonna call you after work.

You call me when you're through, and be careful.

-Peter.

Thanks a lot for being such a friend.

It's been real hard for me to open up with anybody else...

since Eric.

I really loved him a lot.

[Monitor turns off]

-[Grunts]

♪♪

[Glass shatters]

[Indistinct conversations]

♪♪

-Let me show you something else.

♪♪

How's this?

♪♪

-What the hell do you mean my son's hanging around Windsor's?

I told that little bastard that the mall was off limits.

-I know, sir, and I was gonna escort him off the premises,

but I thought you might want to handle it

a little more discretely.

-Discretely, huh? Yeah.

I'll discretely kick his ass out the exit door.

Hair alright?

-See you tomorrow, Sue. -Good night, Terry.

[Indistinct conversations]

The store's closed.

-Oh, that's okay.

-Well, you'll have to come back tomorrow.

We open first thing in the morning.

-You know, I've seen you around a lot lately,

and you are looking so good.

-The store's closed.

-[Grunts]

-You know, you are really cute.

We could get to be friends.

Close friends.

-I think you'd better leave.

I've got to lock up.

-Maybe you need some convincing.

-[Grunting]

-Baby, don't be like that.

You know, my dad owns this place.

Could be helpful for you, you know.

-You don't have a prayer, asshole.

I'm calling security. -Come here.

-Hey!

What the hell are you doing in here?

-I'm looking for a job, Dad.

-You get the hell out of my mall,

and I don't want to see your face

until after the opening ceremony.

-Okay, Dad.

-Teenagers, you know how they are.

-Yeah. Chip off the old block.

-I just want to get a catalogue.

-Alright.

-Who was that? -I don't know.

Come on, let's get out of here.

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

-[Grunts]

-[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

-[Choking]

[Grunting]

♪♪

-Shut it off!

[Grunting]

♪♪

[Bones crack]

♪♪

-Now, listen, I've been thinking about this all day,

piecing it together, it's starting to make sense.

There's only one thing left to find out,

and we can do that tonight.

♪♪

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

I think I know what's going on.

I just need to verify some facts.

You have to tell me what happened

at Eric's house that night.

-Peter, I can't.

-I know it's painful, but if you ever want to get

to the bottom of this, you have to tell me what happened.

♪♪

-We went to Eric's house that night.

It was about 11 o'clock, I think.

Remember how all the developers had the houses condemned?

-Yeah?

-Well, they left a notice on Eric's door.

God, he was so mad.

-These goddamn developers are really pissing me off.

-They're still bugging you guys?

-Yeah, they won't stop hassling my mom and dad.

-Hey.

Let's not let it spoil our evening, okay?

-Okay.

My parents are asleep.

[Both chuckle]

-He actually was really sweet that night, though.

He gave me orchids.

And he played our song.

♪♪

-Mm.

-Thanks for the flowers.

It was nice.

-It's my pleasure.

♪♪

Are you sure you want to hear this?

-Yeah, please go on.

♪♪

-Well, we were, you know...

You know.

♪♪

And -- and then all of a sudden, it just happened.

-Do you smell something?

-[Screams] -Oh, my God!

-Eric, be careful!

-Mom! Dad!

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

-Eric! -Go, go!

♪♪

-[Screams]

[Screams] Eric!

-Hold on! Hold on!

-[Screaming] [Roof thuds]

I can't reach you!

Eric saved me, but he didn't get out.

[Screams]

I-I don't know. I mean, I don't really remember.

I hit my head.

That's when I saw him.

[Sirens wailing in distance]

[Can clanking]

♪♪

It was so awful, Peter.

-Hey.

It's okay.

-[Sighs]

It's almost like a bad dream, you know?

-Yeah.

I think I know what's going on.

See if this makes any sense to you.

The guard with the earring has got to be the guy that you saw

at Eric's house that night.

Now he's working here at the mall, and nobody in

Mall Administration seems to know who he is.

Somebody is covering up for him.

But who?

-Posner? -Posner.

-But why?

-Because Eric's family wouldn't move out.

They must've hired the guard with the earring

to torch Eric's house, the guy you saw that night.

-But why would he come around now?

♪♪

Peter.

What if Eric didn't really die in that fire?

-It would explain a lot of things.

The song on the jukebox, the flowers.

-Yeah, and the dress in my car.

-There's one way to prove it. -How?

-We see if Eric's really buried at Walkers Grove.

The grave's empty, we'll know he's alive.

-Peter, we can't.

-There's no other way.

-Oh, God!

♪♪

[Gun cocks]

-Out.

Get out.

Out.

Turn around.

You remember me, huh? Huh?

I remember you.

What the hell are you looking at?

You keep your eyes forward, you hear me?

Yeah, you remember me.

We've been friends for a long time.

You go first.

Argh!

[Grunts]

[Engine starts, revving]

♪♪

Volker to Unit Two.

Volker to Unit Two, in pursuit.

Southbound, six-yellow, brown Chevy wagon.

-I'll head him off at orange-three, maintain pursuit.

♪♪

[Tires squeal]

♪♪

[Tires screech]

♪♪

[Tires squealing]

♪♪

-[Gasps] Peter, look out!

♪♪

-Cut 'em off!

♪♪

[Brakes squeaking]

♪♪

Oh, shit! [Tires squealing]

Damn!

[Engine revving, tires squealing]

♪♪

-[Gasps] Watch out!

♪♪

[Indistinct shouting]

[Tires squealing]

-Son of a...

♪♪

Shit!

♪♪

Shit!

[Banging on windshield]

♪♪

[Grunting]

[Coughing]

♪♪

[Explosion]

[Static]

♪♪

Oliver, my boy, one final beer before showtime.

Now, listen to me.

I'm not trying to talk you out of this thing.

I'm just trying to let you know that

that behind me, that's the world of a single man.

a world of endless possibilities,

Like I said, I'm not trying to talk you out of it.

I just want to make sure that you're sure.

Are you sure?

[Bottle tinks]

-I'm Polly sure.

-That's my boy.

Well, in that case, listen.

You're not supposed to do this anymore

because it's bad for the birds,

but tonight, when you're in your room,

you're going to throw this rice

and you're going to throw it to me.

♪♪

[Flesh tears, man screams]

♪♪

-I love that they managed to get a complicated

three-car motor vehicle chase into a movie

that takes place entirely inside a mall.

Very imaginative use of the parking garage,

especially well done in a low budget movie,

because originally this movie

was supposed to cost $4.2 million.

But Chuck Fries, the producer, slashed that to $2 million.

And then the director, Richard Friedman,

says he never got that $2 million.

The budget was really $800,000.

So this was definitely a movie

designed to create a franchise, though.

Chuck Fries said as much.

Chuck, he --

Chuck Fries, he died just in 2021, I think.

But he had become known as the godfather of the TV movie.

He made 140 or so TV movies,

stuff like "The Martian Chronicles,"

"Leona Helmsley: Queen of Mean," "Woman on the Ledge,"

"Bitter Harvest," "LBJ," not that you'll remember those.

Nobody ever remembers the names of TV movies,

but -- but all of these were big ratings hits.

He also produced 5,000 series episodes,

several mini series, 40 theatrical films,

including big ones like "Five Easy Pieces,"

"Easy Rider," "Castle Keep," "Troop Beverly Hills."

So anyway, he tried to do the horror genre on TV.

In fact, he made a great one

called "Dark Night of the Scarecrow."

We ought to show that some time. -Yeah!

-Really? Yeah. -Yeah!

-And -- but television tastes limits.

You know, that limits what you can do in horror.

So he knew that if he wanted Fries Entertainment

to crack into the horror boom,

he's going to have to go theatrical.

And he had been involved with cat people,

but he wanted in on low budget horror.

And he gets this script called "The Mall"

that was written by Scott Schneid.

Scott Schneid was this young guy

who had developed "Silent Night, Deadly Night"

when he was an apprentice at the William Morris Agency.

But then there's a whole back story

about how it gets taken away from Schneid

and it gets cut to ribbons and all the subtlety

gets taken out of it.

Classic example of non-horror people

trying to make a horror movie,

and too many L.A. people got involved saying

let's do this instead, you know, for commercial reasons.

And so it got all cut up. So, for example.

You don't really need that Morgan Fairchild character.

That is just an excuse to put Morgan Fairchild in the movie.

Morgan, she's a Dallas girl.

She worked in Dallas theater

and she worked in daytime soaps in New York.

She worked in nighttime soaps in L.A.

Probably her breakout role was when she did

"Flamingo Road," but when this movie came out,

she was at the peak of her popularity.

She was the only name actor in the movie.

But you don't need her because the real bad guy in the movie

is Posner, the mall owner with the little shit son

who gets chewed up by the elevator.

And Posner is played --

Does anybody recognize Posner? Anybody recognize him?

Nobody ever recognizes him from this movie.

He's The Most Interesting Man in the World.

Jonathan -- -Shut up.

-Jonathan Goldsmith. -Shut up.

-He was a veteran character actor.

He had credits going back to 1963,

but he didn't get the role that he would become famous for

until he was 69 years old.

He played The Most Interesting Man in the World for nine years

until Dos Equis retired that commercial campaign

when Goldsmith turned 78.

He was still doing them at 78.

Everybody else in the movie was an unknown,

including Pauly Shore.

Pauly Shore was still one year away from getting the show

"Totally Pauly" on MTV.

Every time I mention Pauly Shore,

people have extremely strong "I hate him" opinions, you know?

And I'm not sure why.

I mean, the guy starred in five big budget theatrical films.

Somebody liked him.

I mean, "Encino Man."

I mean, wasn't that a good movie?

I mean, I've -- I've never seen an audience turn on somebody

at that level, to get to be that big and then that hated.

And actually, the role of Buzz in this movie

is the most innocent role that I've ever seen Pauly Shore play.

But, you know, I can just give you one example.

Fangoria Magazine.

They went out of their way years after this movie

came out to tell us how much they hate

Pauly Shore in this role.

You know, what's with the Pauly Shore vitriol?

You know, he's -- he's not for everybody.

But, jeez, you know,

The director, Richard Friedman, cast him

after seeing him at the Comedy Store

on Sunset Boulevard one night and just thinking

that he was perfect for the character of Buzz.

The Comedy Store was, of course, owned by Pauly Shore's

mother, Mitzi Shore.

And I think Pauly, well, I think she took it away

from Pauly's father, but his father was Sammy Shore.

Um, he was a stand-up comic.

He was the opening act for Elvis for many years, actually.

Then we've got the investigative photographer, Peter.

I don't think I've ever seen an investigative photographer

in any movie. [Laughter]

But anyway, he's the Raoul character,

if we're making parallels to the original

"Phantom of the Opera."

So he had to be a handsome heartthrob,

and that's why they hired Rob Estes.

-Oh, my God.

I had an extreme crush on Rob Estes.

-Okay. One of your many crushes, Darcy.

But -- and not just a crush. This is an extreme crush.

-Extreme crush.

-Alright, you're a crush monster.

But that just proves how good their casting was

because they hit it on the head.

I know where you watched Rob Estes, though.

-"Silk Stalkings." -Yeah.

And, you know, I was gonna say "Silk Stalkings"

because "Silk Stalkings" came on right after

WWF wrestling in the '90s.

-Oh, yeah, that's right. -Alright.

And then there's the two female leads,

Kari Whitman, who plays Melody.

She was a brand-new Playboy playmate, Miss February 1988.

She had a very brief career.

But I do remember her from "Chained Heat 2."

-Yeah.

-The only reason actually that they shot

those Eric flashback scenes in the bedroom

is so they could take advantage of her Playboy fame.

And then her best friend, Suzie,

is played by Kimber Sissons, who was a fashion model.

She was the partner of Richard Grieco.

I don't think they ever got married,

but they had a kid together.

Okay. I think we have now talked about

every single person in this movie, so...

-Hello! Ken Foree.

-Ken Foree?! We didn't talk about Ken Foree.

Oh, my God. Yes. I just saw Ken. He's gonna kill me.

We forgot Ken Foree.

Ken Foree, um, this is 10 years after he uttered

one of his most famous lines in horror.

One of themost famous lines in all of horror.

"When there's no more room in Hell,

the dead will walk the earth" --

as the SWAT team officer in "Dawn of the Dead."

In this movie, he plays the chief mall cop.

Ken has been in everything -- "From Beyond, "Leatherface,"

"The Dentist," "Sleepstalker," "True Blood,"

"Devil's Rejects," Rob Zombie's "Halloween."

Ken has one of the most extensive

acting careers of anybody I know.

Everything -- He did off-Broadway theater,

he did soap operas, he's done big-budget thrillers.

Alright. Time to get back to the suspenseful --

Actually, there's no suspense.

[ Laughter ]

We know who the killer is.

They make him -- But they make him as bad-ass as possible

because Eric knows how to use a crossbow.

He knows how to train snakes to kill.

He knows how to make bombs.

He's a martial artist. He's a boxer.

He's an expert in pyrotechnics,

video-surveillance gear, escalator technology.

You know, there is no way to beat Eric

because he lives in the bowels of the mall.

He got burned up in a fire.

So he spent the last year doing Navy SEAL training

in the back rooms of the mall.

I wonder what's gonna happen to Eric, you know?

Alright, roll the movie.

Ahh. So are you proud of me, Darcy?

-Proud of you for what?

-I think I did a whole segment without a digression.

-Are you sure?

-I'm pretty sure.

All we talked about was the movie.

No Vegas history. No wedding-chapel history.

I didn't talk about those special Liberace costumes

that they have that's in Michael Jackson's Las Vegas mansion,

the Thriller Villa,

you know, where they only let six people a day

go in there to look at the stuff.

-You're making that up.

-I'm not gonna tell you whether I'm making that up or not,

because then I would have to go off on a digression

about Liberace and Michael Jackson and the Thriller Villa.

So would you like me to do that, Darcy?

-No, we're good. We're good.

-Alright. That's what I thought.

But write down the date and time.

-Why?

-Because I'm gonna remind you of this moment

when I made you happy.

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

-Look, look, Peter, maybe we should think about this.

I mean, not only is this illegal, it's sacrilegious.

-Only if he's in here.

-This place is giving me the creeps.

♪♪

-You okay?

-Okay.

Here goes nothing. [Grunts]

♪♪

-I knew it!

That was Eric tonight.

♪♪

And Mayor Wilton, I know this may sound crazy,

but we believe that the house

was burned down for the property.

We think that Posner's responsible.

-Now, if that were true, he would be guilty of murder.

That's a very heavy accusation.

-Eric Matthews is still alive.

-I want to believe you.

But this is hard to accept.

-Well, what can we do?

-Find Eric Matthews.

-God damn you! What do you mean, they know?

If you had done your job right,

we wouldn't be in this mess right now.

-I'll take care of it.

-Why don't you just wear a friggin' sign, "I did it"?

So help me God, that's coming off right now!

-Over my dead body, it's coming off.

Hmm?

-Okay.

Do it tomorrow.

♪♪

-[Gasps] -It's time, pretty lady.

-[Gasps]

♪♪

-[Blows]

♪♪

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

♪♪

[Coin jingles]

[Dialing]

-Hello? -Peter, it's me.

I just saw Christopher. [Screams]

-Melody?

-[Screaming]

[Grunting]

[Panting]

[Choking]

-Shh, shh, shh.

It's time, pretty lady.

-[Spits]

-[Groans] -[Screaming]

No. No!

[Muffled screaming]

[Pop music playing in background]

♪♪

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

-[Screaming]

♪♪

[Trash compactor whirring]

♪♪

-[Screaming]

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

-Oh, look at you. Are you scared? Are you nervous?

Ooh. Are you feeling it yet?

That terrifying feeling like panic.

All six times, I was terrified. Ohh.

You know, marriage -- It's like --

It's like going down a mountain.

Yeah. It's like falling down the mountain.

Like, like, you are falling down a mountain,

like, at rapid speed.

And then just splat, like -- like through the earth.

It's -- Marriage is forever.

It is terrifying.

[Sighs] We need to get to that chapel.

Let's go.

-Sorry. Did you say six times?

-Yeah. Six. Yeah. All scary.

Huh. We're going.

♪♪

-Alright. If I say heads are gonna roll,

heads are gonna roll.

The problem with trying to start a horror franchise

with a "Phantom of the Opera" story

is that for the phantom story to work,

the killer has to be sympathetic.

You know, he's truly in love.

He sacrifices his own life for his beloved.

And that means no sequel value to that.

You know, the script changes were made

to actually make Eric more evil.

For example, the very first kill of the movie -- innocent person.

So you already don't care what happens to him

right at the beginning.

But the other weakness of this story, I think,

is it was TV-movie people making a feature because a TV movie,

you don't have to have enormous suspense.

You know, will these people live or die?

Will evil triumph over good?

Will she love the guy that she should love?

Because they have seven cliffhangers in the movie.

There are seven moments in the movie

where there are smaller reasons to continue watching.

So the payoff in the third act can be minor

and you will still watch to the end.

The only suspense question here

is what's the ultimate psycho thing Eric will do?

And will he live or die after he does it?

Because we certainly don't care that much

whether she ends up with Peter or not.

He's good looking and he's sensitive

and he's smart and all that.

But come on, it's not a Lifetime movie.

It's a great phantom story.

So we're waiting for two moments --

the unmasking moment and then the moment

when the Phantom realizes he can never have her.

But we want that to make us cry.

We don't want to go, "Kill that fucking phantom.

He doesn't deserve her."

Because, you know, it is supremely satisfying to watch

Eric Kung-fu the crap

out of that George Michael-looking dude

with the metal earring

and then finish him off that trash-compactor Fu.

But anyway, we got a wedding coming up,

but I wanted to talk just a little bit about the director

of "Phantom of the Mall," Mr. Richard Friedman.

Richard is one -- Richard is one of those guys

who didn't set out to be a horror director,

but he got trapped.

He grew up in Brooklyn.

He actually started out to be a medical student.

His parents wanted him to be a doctor.

And he came home from med school one day,

and he said, "You know what, folks?

I want to go to NYU film school instead of this."

And they said, "Okay."

And when it was time

to do his master's thesis film, he thought,

"Why don't I just raise a half million dollars

and make an actual feature,"

which is something that happens only at NYU.

Out of all the film schools in America,

there are some wealthy people going to school there.

So he borrowed the money from his father eventually

and made this feature called

"Death Mask," which is based on a true story,

and stars Farley Granger as a crime investigator

who loses his 10-year-old daughter

in a boating accident right before he's assigned

to a case to solve the murder of a 10-year-old boy.

So mostly because of that title, "Death Mask,"

people assumed it was a horror film.

And so he got hired to do horror TV.

He flew to L.A.

He was quickly working on "Tales from the Dark Side,"

"Friday the 13th, The Series,"

the series "Monsters," "Stephen King's Golden Tales,"

if anybody remembers that one.

And he kept getting horror offers.

Some investors hired him to do "Scared Stiff,"

ghost movie with Andrew Stevens,

and "Doom Asylum," which was shot in three weeks

in an abandoned insane asylum.

And then somehow his name came up when Chuck Fries

was looking for a "Phantom of the Mall" director.

So he was actually a very seasoned director,

already a journeyman by the time

he made this movie when he's still in his late 20s.

Later, he would do a lot of late-night series

like "Baywatch Nights," "Silk Stalkings,"

creating stories for Rob Estes, who plays Peter in this movie,

and Sergeant Lorenzo in "Silk Stalkings,"

causing Darcy to go into paroxysms of lust.

-True.

-To prove that Eric is alive,

they dig up his coffin.

[Laughter]

So I mean, you know, his parents are dead, right?

Who pretended to bury him last year?

Who bought that coffin?

And why did they bury the coffin?

And, um...

Or did Eric buy a coffin and hire some actors

to go to a graveside service for an empty coffin?

Because wasn't he in the burn unit at Cedars-Sinai?

I mean, he -- he -- he had some major, you know, face damage.

And how did he get that apartment at the mall?

You know, because they're building the mall

in the last year.

And if his house was burned down by evil developers

who needed the land for the mall,

how did they build that mall in one year?

And did Eric -- Where was Eric in that one year?

Did he just hide in a pile of leaves,

you know, while they were building the mall?

Do you know the answer to any of these questions, Darcy?

-I do not.

-Do you care? -I do not.

-Okay. Because it's -- It's fun, right?

-Fun.

Okay. Back to the movie.

Las Vegas actively promotes weddings here.

You know? They've got city employees that do nothing

but help celebrities get married here.

Wedding tourism is a $2 billion per year business.

18,000 jobs attached to weddings in Vegas,

75 wedding chapels.

And that's only the freestanding wedding chapels

that are not attached to the resorts

because they have wedding chapels, too.

-Are you done? -Last February, they issued

the 5 millionth Vegas marriage license,

and three of those are Mickey Rooney,

because Mickey Rooney got married three times in Vegas.

He was doubling down, you know, and he was tripling down.

Still crapped out, though.

[Laughter]

That third marriage didn't turn out any better

than the first one.

You know the first celebrity wedding

that they -- that they had in Vegas?

-I know it wasn't Elvis and Priscilla.

-No, Elvis and Priscilla --

Elvis and Priscilla is the most famous one.

I think everyone would agree on that.

But there was one in 1932. -You stumped me.

-Clara Bow, the "It" girl in the movies.

She got married to Rex Bell.

-Who's Rex Bell?

-He was a cowboy actor, but --

but nobody cared.

Nobody cared about Rex Bell.

It was the "It" girl finally getting married.

And they actually became ranchers around here.

They -- they -- they had 400,000 acres in the Mojave Desert.

-Now are you done?

-Not really because -- -You should be.

Rex Bell became the lieutenant governor of Nevada after --

-Stop. Just stop. -You asked about Rex Bell.

-And I regret that.

-Okay.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

[Indistinct conversations, pop music playing]

♪♪

-Hey, Pete. -Look, have you seen Melody?

-No, not since this afternoon. What's going on?

-I think she might be in trouble. I gotta find her.

-Look, I've got an idea. -I gotta go.

-It really is a good idea.

-We're relying on this party to impress the investors.

-I understand.

-So, I think it would be best

if security was a little less conspicuous.

-Yes, sir.

♪♪

-Suze... -Buzz, what are you doing here?

-Listen, we gotta find Melody.

She's in some big trouble.

Look, I'm sorry, pal.

♪♪

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

[Clattering]

♪♪

-Hello, Eric.

[Weights clang]

-[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

I'm sorry about the way I look.

-I always knew you were alive.

I knew it!

You were watching over me, weren't you?

-Yeah.

Nobody will ever hurt you, Melody.

Nobody. I won't allow it.

-Please don't be afraid.

♪♪

-Oh, Melody.

I always knew we'd be together again.

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

[Classical music playing]

-Excuse me, Mayor.

-Oh, yes. Excuse me just a moment.

Peter, anything? -No.

Look, have you seen Melody?

-No, not since last night. Why?

-I think Melody might be in trouble.

-Mayor, I think some people need your attention.

Please excuse us. -Um...um, Peter, keep me posted.

-Yeah.

-Jesus!

Buzz, what kind of ridiculous thing are you up to?

-[Shushing]

We gotta get him out of here.

I got an idea.

Shh, shh, shh. Now be quiet.

-[Sighs]

I'm glad that's over.

-I'm not.

Okay, come on, we did it. Now let's just get out of here.

Okay, come on, come on.

Shh, shh, shh. Okay, now, look.

See, there's cameras everywhere.

If she's in the mall, we're gonna find her.

Just...right here.

♪♪

Come on. Come on, baby.

♪♪

-Hold it, Buzz. -What?

-Those keys on the floor.

-Come on. Let's get out of here.

-Is this where you've been the whole time?

-Yeah. Told you I had a place below my house.

You know, a place I used to work out, hang out...

It was my special place.

Well, this is it.

Well... Well, what's left of it.

Let me show you something.

Okay? Wait right here. Let me show you something.

[Water dripping]

♪♪

They're for you.

♪♪

Purple was always your favorite color.

Put it on for me.

-I'm sorry, Eric, I can't.

-I got this for you!

I got this all for you!

-I can't,

♪♪

-It's him, isn't it?

Isn't it?!

[Hangers clattering]

Remember when we were kids?

Remember that?

When we vowed that we would always be together,

that we would never let anything tear us apart?

Well, I respected that vow!

-I'm sorry, Eric, things have changed.

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations, classical music playing]

-Buzz! The keys.

Why is the vent open?

-Do you think she...? -Come on, she must have.

Let's go.

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

♪♪

-Hello?!

Hello?!

Can anybody hear me?!

-Oh, yeah.

[Indistinct conversations, classical music playing]

[Laughs] Oh, this is delicious!

♪♪

-Oh, this looks good, very good.

-Time to make money.

Lots of money. -Thank you.

♪♪

[Beeping]

♪♪

[Static]

-Alright, everybody. It's wedding time, it's wedding time.

This is gonna be the greatest televised wedding since Tiny Tim

married Miss Vicki on "The Tonight Show" in the '60s.

Alright? Come on. Shelby, you first.

Oliver, you keep your eyes closed, buddy.

You don't want bad luck for all eternity, okay?

It's bad luck to look at her. Alright?

Shelby, come on. You first. Let's get in there now.

Now, family and friends. Come on. Shuffle in, shuffle in.

This is a wedding.

[Chanting "Wedding"]

Come on. Come on. Alright. Hey. Hey, Oliver.

I see you peeking, man. I told you. Bad luck.

Oh, wait, wait. Watch the rhinestones.

Alright, this way. This way.

Hey, hey, hey. You ready for this?

You ready? Keep your eyes closed.

Because if you don't, it's gonna be bad for both of you.

Alright. Come on. Come on, come on.

I'm gonna get in first, and then you slam the door.

Let's do this thing.

♪♪

-So Eric rigs the bomb to blow up the mall

and sets the timer for 31 minutes?

How could there even be 31 minutes left in the movie?

If you do a ticking-bomb thing,

you've got to make it an impossible time frame.

People can earn college degrees in 31 minutes.

You know, this should have been, like, 9 minutes max, you know?

Anyway, the big moment where Melody meets Eric was...

It was kind of lame, don't you think?

I mean, that's -- that's what we're waiting for.

She walks over to him.

He's doing a lat pull down with his back to her.

And then after he turns around, he just goes,

"Okay, here you go, baby. Here's my face. No mask."

You know, there's no -- There's no hesitation.

There's no trembling hand.

He just whips that sucker off.

And at first she didn't care.

She still -- She loves the guy, you know, until he says,

"I always knew we'd be together again."

And she's like, "Hey, I love you,

but not enough to look at your face

for the rest of my life," you know?

So things have changed.

That's changing the Phantom story

in a big way, you know,

because what's changed between them?

Nothing's changed. She -- she doesn't know.

She doesn't know what he's been doing.

You know.

You know, she's been telling everybody in the mall

she's been heartbroken ever since Eric died.

Well, here he is, you know?

But it's a really strange moment

where you don't know why he's so anxious to show his face

and you don't know why she's so anxious to blow him off.

Because he has a mangled face, I guess.

I mean, she doesn't even say, "We'll talk about it later."

It's just, "Nope, you're mangled. I'm out of here."

Also how come every time

somebody sees an air-conditioning vent,

they just have to jump in

and start crawling around in the ventilation system?

Alright. Welcome back to "Joe Bob's Vicious Vegas Valentine,"

and, Darcy, we are almost at the end of this thing,

and then we'll be bringing out our engaged couple

and their families

and we'll do the very first "Last Drive-In" wedding.

-I can't wait.

-And do you like weddings? -Usually, no,

but I have officiated at two weddings myself.

-You did the weddings? You were the priest?

-Mm-hmm. -Okay.

Well, I'm sure you do it better than me.

But what are you gonna -- What are the roles here?

What are you gonna do while I'm marrying

the celebrity couple?

-Moral support?

-Moral support. Great. Okay.

Did you ever see the movie "The Miracle of Morgan's Creek"?

-I don't think so. -No?

It's a Preston Sturges comedy from the '40s.

-Oh, then no.

-It's the same guy who did "Sullivan's Travels,"

"The Palm Beach Story," "The Great McGinty,"

many other great comedies.

So "The Miracle of Morgan's Creek"

is one of the top 10 movies

in the history of film, in my opinion.

I mean, I don't know anybody else who thinks this,

but the reason I'm bringing it up

is it was about all the soldiers in World War II

who got married in some quickie roadside chapel

on the night before they were shipped off to war.

And a lot of times, they married girls

that they met that same night.

And there weren't

that many quickie roadside chapels in 1942,

but there were three in Vegas.

There was the Little Church of the West.

That was the first freestanding wedding chapel.

There was Weekirk o' the Heather,

and there was the Hitching Post.

And weddings in Las Vegas increased by 145%

in the year 1942

because everybody was rushing off to war.

And I mean, they were like, "Well, if I'm gonna die,

I want to die with benefits for some random girl."

I mean, that's the only thing.

I mean, I'm not sure why they did it.

It made them feel better, you know,

it made everybody feel better.

I guess so they would have something to come back to.

-Are you starting another long speech

right at the climax of the movie?

-No. This is gonna be a short speech.

I'm starting a short speech at the climax of the movie.

So that's in 1942.

And then for two decades,

Vegas becomes more and more famous as a wedding destination

because you got the Rat Pack, you got The Sands, the Flamingo,

the Desert Inn, the Thunderbird, Caesar's Palace.

And suddenly in the mid '60s, people start coming to Vegas

to get married for the opposite reason.

So they won't have to -- They won't have to go to war.

They don't want to go to Vietnam

because married men were not eligible for the draft.

But then LBJ changed the law

and the new law took effect on August 26, 1965.

So if you're trying to avoid military service,

you had to get married by midnight on August 26.

So these guys head to Vegas and they grab whoever

and they get married.

There was a justice of the peace

down at the Clark County Courthouse

who performed 67 weddings in the 3 hours

before midnight on August 26.

And then there were still long lines of people

outside waiting to get married,

worried that they'd missed the deadline.

So he covered up the clocks so he could claim legally

that he didn't know what time it was

and he let people continue to get married until dawn.

So -- But then -- So this --

The whole country knew about this.

And so they knew that -- People suddenly knew

that if you ever need to get married,

Vegas is the place that will take care of you.

Just like -- Just like you're gonna help me tonight

when we do this wedding. Alright, Darcy?

Because you've done these before.

-Are you worried?

-I'm a little nervous. Yeah.

-You're gonna be great.

-Alright, back to the movie.

What do you think the second most famous Vegas wedding was?

Because no question -- Elvis and Priscilla --

that's the most famous one.

But what is the second?

-What are the choices?

-Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow.

-That didn't last.

-No, they don't have to last.

They don't have to last to be famous.

I mean, if you want examples that lasted,

Kirk Douglas and Anne Buydens got married in Vegas.

Anne Buydens was a film producer,

and they were married, like, 70 years or something.

-That has got to be the record.

-Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward,

they were married in Vegas at the El Rancho --

at the dude ranch, you know.

But I actually think the short-lived ones

are more famous. -Like what?

-Bruce Willis and Demi Moore.

Oh, Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie.

What was that one like?

That was, like, a 2-month marriage.

So Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra.

-Oh, I vote for that one.

-Britney Spears and Jason Alexander.

-Most popular or most famous?

-I say most famous.

The most famous Vegas wedding.

-Cindy Crawford and Richard Gere.

-That's a good one.

But the short ones are better, like...

Judy Garland married one of her husbands here.

Rita Hayworth married some guy here.

-Some guy.

-Well, I mean, Elizabeth Taylor married somebody in Vegas.

But, see, I think -- I think both people have to be famous

or it doesn't count on the top 10, right?

-Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck.

-That was just, like, yesterday, right?

Was that in Vegas?

-Yeah. The Vegas Wedding Chapel. -Okay.

So which one are you going with

for second-biggest Vegas wedding?

-I vote Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra.

-Okay. That one is hard to beat.

I'm gonna go with Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow.

-Okay.

-But all those long-lasting ones, those are boring.

-Agreed.

-But we shouldn't be talking like this

because we are christening newlyweds.

-Mutants have a good track record for marriage.

-There's actually some truth in that. Yeah.

A lot of mutant married couples come up to us at conventions.

-Yeah. But I think we've said enough about this.

-Yes, we have run this into the ground

and stomped all over it.

-Yes, we have.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

-We have absolutely no idea where we're going

or what we're doing.

There must be a billion vents that lead to God knows where.

-Look, Suze, we're just acting on a hunch, alright?

I mean, cops do it all the time. Let's just...

-Great! Now which way?

♪♪

[Knocking]

♪♪

[Knocking]

♪♪

[Knocking]

♪♪

-Aah!

♪♪

-Aah! No! Eric, no!

-Shut up!

You're not going anywhere.

-Eric, I don't belong here.

-I got this all for you, Melody, so we could be together.

-Eric, I can't stay here.

-You willstay here!

I won't let you go...ever!

-Eric, I can't!

I have a life up there.

-No! No!

Without me, you have no life.

-Aah!

-[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

Once I've destroyed what's above, I'll join you here.

Then we'll be together... forever.

-You can't.

-Too late.

Soon it'll all be blown to shreds and them with it.

-A bomb?

Eric, no!

You can't! -It's done.

It's done.

♪♪

[Clangs]

♪♪

[Snake hisses]

♪♪

-Aah!

♪♪

-You're insane.

-I will have my revenge, Melody.

And not you or anybody else is gonna do anything about it.

They'll pay for what they've done.

I'm only sorry...

you won't be sharing it with me.

♪♪

[Clanging]

-Melody!

♪♪

-No! Eric!

♪♪

No! No, Eric!

I love him!

No! I love him!

♪♪

The flames are blocking the exit.

How are we gonna get out of here?

-And as proud as we are of Midwood Mall,

it won't be complete until we finish

the Midwood Monumental Spire.

♪♪

-[Screams] [Snake hisses]

♪♪

[Fire crackling]

♪♪

[Gasps]

-Grab on to it.

-We all want to see this one last section lit

as a symbol to Midwood, of the prosperity

we hope this represents for generations to come.

♪♪

-Hear something?

♪♪

-It sounds like it's really coming...

-Buzz!

-Thank you all very much.

Thanks so much for your support.

Now, just keep it up!

-And we're delighted that you were able

to share this momentous occasion with us.

Thank you, have a good time!

[Beeping]

-We'd better go warn everybody.

-Look, there's Karen. Hi, Karen. Look...

-What happened to you?

-We've got to evacuate the place. There's a bomb.

-Now, I can't let you wreck this nice party, can I?

Just turn around...

and head back the way you just came.

-Look, just come on!

Get in here.

Go, go, go, go.

-You mean you know how to drive one of these things?

-I'm a quick learner.

Okay, what's this part?

Okay, this is the ignition.

[Engine starts, revving]

-Posner was supposed to take care of this earlier today.

Of course he botched it.

-You and Posner? Why?

-Because I'm a major stockholder in this mall.

That means major profits!

This is my ticket out of here.

[Sighs]

And who do you think covered up for the arson?

Posner?

-Listen, there's still a bomb in this mall.

-A bomb underneath the mall. Oh, come on!

You're gonna have to do better than that.

[Gasps]

-[Screams]

♪♪

-[Screaming]

[Crowd murmuring]

[All gasp]

-Excuse me, please! Excuse me!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

-Look! Up there!

-Look, up there! -Another one?

-Who is it? -Call the police!

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

♪♪

[Beeping]

-Ladies and gentlemen, please don't panic,

but the mall must be evacuated immediately

due to a bomb threat.

Please move calmly and carefully to the nearest exit.

Start at Sam Goody's, Sleuth's, Windsor Fashion.

The police have been notified.

Please move calmly and carefully.

Ladies and gentlemen, please don't panic,

but the mall must be evacuated immediately

due to a bomb threat.

-Wait! Wait! Don't leave!

This is -- Everything's gonna be alright.

This is just a publicity stunt.

Wait! Please!

-No! No!

[Crying] No!

No, please!

No! Aah!

-Melody, no! Hang on!

-[Screams]

Help me!

No!

Help! Help!

Peter! Peter!

Help!

[Gunshot]

♪♪

-Kill that son of a bitch!

[Gunshot]

♪♪

[Gunshot]

[Gunshot]

-[Groaning]

♪♪

Posner!

[Yelling]

♪♪

Look what you did to me!

-Eric? Eric...

Look, we can compromise.

Eric, it's -- it's --

it's a terrible misunderstanding.

-You lying bastard!

-I have a lot of money. Eric, I have a lot of money.

I'll make a cash settlement with you.

Anything! Eric, we can work this out.

I have -- I have a lot of money, Eric.

Eric, I'm really sorry.

Look, I may have made some mistakes.

I said some bad things.

I'll eat my words!

-Eat this!

-[Screaming]

♪♪

-Aaaaah!

♪♪

-Hop on, this place is gonna blow any second.

Get in here.

♪♪

[Beeping]

♪♪

[Beeping]

Holy shit!

[Explosion]

[Police radio chatter]

-I've never seen anything like

the total devastation of Midwood's proud new mall.

It exists no more.

It's been almost one hour since the explosion...

-Looks like Eric got what he wanted.

-Yeah?

I did better than that.

I got you.

[Radio chatter]

♪♪

["Is There a Phantom in the Mall?"by The Vandals plays]

-♪ Don't need to drive to Bexley ♪

♪ To get the things I need ♪

♪ Don't got much in this town ♪

♪ But it's been good enough for me ♪

♪ Don't need no frozen yogurt ♪

♪ Don't want no GHQ ♪

♪ Just want a chance to grow up ♪

♪ In the same town where I met you ♪

♪ Is there a phantom in the mall? ♪

♪ Folks are bound to ask ♪

♪ Is he the Phantom of the Mall? ♪

♪ Or rust some retard in a broken hockey mask? ♪

♪♪

♪ Typical too-smooth salesmen ♪

♪ Ain't my idea of fun ♪

♪ I can pick up my boots and trousers ♪

♪ Down where I get my gun ♪

♪ Almost everything here ♪

♪ Is here to make me sick ♪

♪ Except those foxy outfits ♪

♪ They wear at Hotdog on a Stick ♪

♪ Is there a phantom in the mall? ♪

♪ Folks are bound to ask ♪

♪ Is he the Phantom of the Mall? ♪

♪ Or rust some retard in a broken hockey mask? ♪

♪♪

♪ Phase one, sorry, son ♪

♪ You're in the way, now you're out, well done! ♪

♪ Phase two, the Mayor's boobs ♪

♪ I like both of 'em, how about you? ♪

♪ Phase three, four stories high ♪

♪ A place to shop and a place to die ♪

♪ Phase four, the final stage ♪

♪ Fix them ties at the minimum wage ♪

♪ Is there a phantom in the mall? ♪

♪ Folks are bound to ask ♪

♪ Is he the Phantom of the Mall? ♪

♪ Or rust some retard in a broken hockey mask? ♪

♪ First floor, the power of zoom ♪

♪ Checking on cleavage in the dressing room ♪

♪ Floor two, the place to be ♪

♪ The girls aren't a day over twelve or thirteen ♪

♪ Third floor, I've seen it before ♪

♪ He's out for blood, now he's out for more ♪

♪ Top floor, two months pass quick ♪

♪ I need that like a snake on my... ♪

♪ Ow! Is there a phantom in the mall? ♪

♪ Folks are bound to ask ♪

♪ Is he the Phantom of the Mall? ♪

♪ Or rust some retard in a broken hockey mask? ♪

♪♪

♪ Don't need to drive to Bexley ♪

♪ To get the things I need ♪

♪ Don't got much in this town ♪

♪ But it's been good enough for me ♪

♪ Don't need no frozen yogurt ♪

♪ Don't want no GHQ ♪

♪ Just want a chance to grow up ♪

♪ In the same town where I met you ♪

♪ Is there a phantom in the mall? ♪

♪ Folks are bound to ask ♪

♪ Is he the Phantom of the Mall? ♪

♪ Or just some retard in a broken hockey mask? ♪

[Static]

-Okay. So Las Vegas PD

is escorting the couple into the building.

No? W-Where's Yuki?

-He's parking cars.

-Parking cars? There --

There aren't any cars, and there's no place to park cars.

-He said he wanted to help. I don't know.

-Remember that time he went up in the tree

and he wouldn't come down?

I mean, you don't send Yuki out to park cars.

He's probably halfway to the Bellagio looking for the cars.

Okay, well, while we're waiting for the wedding party to arrive,

just a couple of things about the ending

of "Phantom of the Mall: Eric's Revenge,"

which turns out to be a title

that not only gives away the killer,

but is untrue because Eric doesn't really get his revenge.

You know, first of all, people say, you know, "That's weird

that they would have a gala, society fundraiser in the mall."

Not true. I was one of the guests

at a gala, society fundraiser in a mall,

and the other guest was Douglas Fairbanks Jr.

And it was in the nicest mall in Milwaukee.

And that was unfortunately the only time

that Joe Bob Briggs and Douglas Fairbanks Jr.

appeared on the same stage together.

You know, hard to believe, right?

But Douglas was -- Actually Douglas was not happy

about sharing the stage

with a drive-in movie critic from Texas.

But -- But they had a fashion show.

Everybody was informal wear.

You have no idea how big malls were in the '80s.

Secondly, Morgan Fairchild pulls a gun in that climax.

Really? Because she's a stockholder?

I mean, but most important, you know, I hope you were

listening to that great song over the closing credits.

"Is There a Phantom in the Mall" by the punk band The Vandals.

And it includes the line, "Is he the Phantom of the Mall

or just some retard in a broken hockey mask?"

And they repeat that line over and over and over again

because it's in the chorus.

And then in the bridge,

they're going, "Floor one, floor two, floor three,"

enumerating what they like about the mall

and, "Floor two, the mayor's boobs.

I like both of them. How about you?"

It has to be one of the greatest,

most politically incorrect drive-in mutant theme songs

in the history of punk and of '80s film.

Darcy, what do you think about immortalizing

Morgan Fairchild's boobs in a punk song?

-She should be honored.

-Okay. You know a lot of musicians.

Have your boobs ever been immortalized in song?

-Oh, man, I am still trying to reach that level.

-Okay. I'm sure you'll make it.

And Joe Escalante wrote that song.

He was the main writer for The Vandals and the bass player.

He said it came along in a period

when The Vandals wanted to be,

"pure punk for punk sake" because they were getting sick

of the commercialization of punk.

And so they took the money from Fries Entertainment

and they said, "Here's your song.

We don't care if you ever use it or not."

And surprisingly, Fries did use it over the end credits

and is kind of notorious today.

Vandals fans are always trying to find, like,

a perfect copy of it.

But Escalante used that money to buy a house

and go to law school.

And today, he's a highly respected TV executive.

He produced "True Nightmares."

Have you ever seen "True Nightmares"?

That's a true-crime series on Discovery ID.

He's also written a lot of scripts for shows

like "Buried in the Backyard" for the Oxygen Network,

"In Search of Monsters" for the Travel Channel.

Joe Escalante wrote that.

"Curse of Oak Island" for the History Channel.

He should've been hired to write "Phantom of the Mall,"

actually, because in the version we have now,

all the main characters are saved

when the mall explodes because Pauly Shore

steals a motorcycle with a sidecar.

I mean, they just don't write 'em like that anymore.

So what did you think of the film?

-I mean, it's not what you could call "great cinema."

It's kind of silly, but it's, like, a time capsule

of mall culture.

And I will watch any phantom movie.

It's one of the all-time great horror stories.

-Okay.

-You have Pauly Shore slinging yogurt.

I mean, what could be more '80s?

-Okay. That's actually a pretty good summary

of the movie.

I'm told that the original script was much better.

So much better,

the writers were still trying to get people

to read it years after the movie came out

because -- "Hey, that wasn't our movie."

They were very upset about whatever went on

in pre-production.

But, yeah, the mall-culture thing kind of saves it.

Not many people know that you could buy

military-grade flamethrowers at the mall in the '80s,

like the one Eric uses to kill the --

to kill the most interesting man in the world.

Oh, "Phantom of the Mall" --

It had a limited theatrical release.

They did that thing where they put nurses in the lobby,

giving people blood-pressure tests

to see if they can handle the terror.

You know, that's another thing that makes me think

Fries Entertainment had kind of an outdated view of horror,

and they really didn't know what they were doing.

But the reviews of it were pretty negative.

It was not a hit.

Chuck Fries gave up on having a low-budget horror franchise.

Alright. Are we doing mailbag tonight

even though we're in Vegas? -Yes, we are.

-Alright. We got so much to do.

-But you need to read this one.

It's from Justin and Michelle. Remember them from Nebraska?

He proposed at one of your shows.

-The couple in Portland at The Hollywood Theatre.

He surprised her by proposing on stage.

And they had driven all the way from...

-Yes. -...Nebraska.

-There is now more to that story.

-Okay. "Dear Joe Bob,

Michelle and I got married

at the KISS Rock 'N Roll Wedding Chapel in Vegas.

[Laughter]

Among others were my two sons

and her 70-- and her 73-year-old mom,

who you'd swear was 40.

Mom had never been to Vegas and was just blown away.

And Jake, my 13-year-old, was my best man.

The wedding invites looked like concert tickets,

and we included guitar picks in the invites,

because at the chapel, you don't throw rose petals,

you throw guitar picks.

The wedding cake was made to look like Gene Simmons's boots

and the "mini-ster" -- little person -- was dressed

as Frank-N-Furter from "Rocky Horror."

Pure coincidence.

I was talking about the ceremony

on the "Rocky Horror" Facebook fan page,

and I was contacted by the Vegas chapter.

The night of the wedding,

they were screening the movie, and I was invited.

So with my 73-year-old mother-in-law

and still in wedding attire,

we went and watched "Rocky Horror" with a sold-out crowd.

In my wildest dreams, I couldn't have imagined this stuff.

Well, I think I've taken up enough of your time.

Thank you again for letting me propose on stage.

Big, manly hug. Justin Farell,

Alliance, Nebraska, home of Carhenge."

You know what Carhenge is?

Where they plant the cars in the ground.

And home of "Children of the Corn" -- Alliance, Nebraska.

That's a great letter.

A very, very appropriate letter for tonight.

Congratulations, Justin and Michelle.

I didn't realize KISS had their own wedding chapel.

You know Gene Simmons, right? -I do.

-One of your crushes? One of your...?

-No. -No?

-Yeah. That's it.

-That's it?

Is there more to that story?

-Yeah, there is.

-Later? -Later. Later.

-Okay. Alright.

I'm getting nervous because we're about to have

a Vegas wedding, and, um, I'm the "mini-ster."

Like, the guy from -- Like Frank-N-Furter.

I don't want to screw this up.

I officiated at a funeral one time,

but I've never done a wedding.

Not that they're connected,

but I think funerals are easier, though.

-Why?

-Well, because everybody's crying and the main person

is in a box, so you don't really have to...

-Well, this is not a traditional wedding.

-No, it's pretty much the weirdest wedding

anybody ever had, because the movie we're showing

during the wedding is "Necromantic."

-What's wrong with that?

-Well, we're showing a movie

about a guy who likes sex with dead bodies

and everyone in his family is gonna be here.

-Oh, it's gonna be fine.

-Have you been to a lot of weddings?

-I've been to a lot of bachelor parties.

-That doesn't count.

Oh, yeah. Okay, let's get down to it.

I'm Joe Bob Briggs here for Darcy the Mail Girl

and the Last Drive-In family,

reminding you that you are unique,

just like everybody else.

And the drive-in will never die.

What do cannibals do at a wedding?

Toast the bride and groom.

-Yay.

-I have more.

-Of course you do.

-What's long and hard and full of semen?

-I mean, you want me to answer that?

-A submarine. -Oh, okay.

-How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?

Wave. -Oh, man.

Your jokes just keep getting worse and worse.

-I know. I know.

What's the difference between a Greyhound terminal

and a lobster with boobs?

One is a crusty bus station,

and the other is a busty crustacean.

-Oh, no, no.

-No? -No.

-One more? -No.

-Why does a mermaid wear seashells?

-No.

-Because she outgrew her "B" shells.

-I said no. -Okay.

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♪♪

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