Original subtitles

I cannot believe that I am eating Nana Sugar's cookies

with Nana Sugar.

My mom and I used to try to re-create your recipe,

but we could never figure out your secret ingredient.

Oh, honey, nobody ever could.

Cool! That's awesome, Cheryl.

So who's the fella?

He's that sportswriter I was telling you about.

Well, why are you sitting here gabbing with me?

It's just, he's the sweetest guy,

and he's nice to everyone.

And nice is typically not my type.

- Let me tell you something, honey. - Mm-hmm.

Women always think they need something edgy,

but nothing beats a classic chocolate chip cookie.

So you think I could be with a chocolate chip cookie?

Like a glass of milk.

Thanks, Nana Sugar. You're a real one.

Are you ready for me to send off your obituary?

- I am. - Okay.

Oh, and, Nell, the secret ingredient?

- It's mono-saturated glutamate. - Ah.

- Hey. - Hey.

I didn't know someone was in here.

It's me again, the guy who's been stealing

the news floor's coffee every day.

You know, at some point,

I'm gonna have to start charging you.

Hey, so I am coaching

the office softball game tomorrow against KQUT.

We got Carl, Mason, Cheryl.

It's looking really good. Cool, sounds awesome.

Yeah, softball's really fun. I used to play a lot.

- Hey. - Yeah?

Do you want to play tomorrow?

- Absolutely not. - Okay.

- Okay. - Okay.

Alright.

Well... goodbye.

- Hey. - What?

What is wrong with you? Why didn't you say yes?

- I thought you liked him. - I used to play in high school,

and I could get just... I get a little bit competitive.

But that was like 20 years ago,

so I'm sure you're not even that good anymore.

- What'd you just say to me?! - Okay!

Have you seen these feet? Do you know how fast I can run?

Have you seen these arms?

- Alright. I see your point. - Mm-hmm.

But, Nell, he just asked you out.

And if you do not give a guy attention

within five minutes of him giving you attention,

he biologically moves on.

- That's fast. - I know. I saw it on TikTok.

You still brushing up on how the youth dates these days?

Yes. Which is why I will be your Crush Coach, okay?

I'm gonna help you keep the softball monster at bay.

So first things first, we got to get you back in the game.

- You're right. - Yes.

I'm going to tell him I'm in.

- Yes! Put some rizz on it. - Come again?

I need to step away from social media for a while.

The coffee on the sports floor is next level.

Our coffee on the news floor is so nasty it is undrankable.

Yeah, I'm not gonna drink it.

Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?

We need one more player for the softball game,

and I was hoping someone was gonna take it,

- but she didn't. - Who's the halftime performer?

If it's Beyonc�, I'm in. If it's Katy Perry, I'm out.

No, it's just a casual game against KQUT News.

- Did you say KQUT? - Um, yes?

I used to work for KQUT.

Yeah. Almost had an on-air career there.

- Oh, cool. - Yes, it would've been cool.

Would've been very cool, until my office romance soured

and my ex-girlfriend stabbed me in the back after our breakup

and ruined all of my dreams of reporting traffic

live from the chopper.

Well, luckily, it all worked out.

You have a husband and kids.

And they do their best.

But I always dreamed of running into her

and telling her off to her face,

and this is the perfect opportunity.

Yes. Yes, I am in.

- I'll need a mitten. - A glove.

- Yeah, okay. - Hey!

Hey, so, uh, you wanted to see me?

I have very big news.

Edward and I will be having our first date tomorrow night,

and I officially have first-date jitters.

Wow. This is a very busy day for the Crush Coach.

Okay, well, this one is a no-brainer.

Just pretend that you have been sleeping with Edward for weeks.

Because you've been sleeping with Edward for weeks.

Yes, but a date is so much more intimate.

Sam, we have to look at each other from across a table.

Order from a menu. Split an iceberg wedge.

Is an iceberg wedge more intimate than...?

Oh, Sam, I plan on spending the entire day prepping,

mm-hmm... a blowout, makeup, teeth whitening.

Alexis, did you know that the newspaper is playing KQUT

in a softball game tomorrow?

I did not. I'll have it canceled immediately.

C... Canceled? No. You see, I've had a longstanding rivalry

with the station's owner, Sharon Darynson.

At Rupert Murdoch's White Party,

she stole that last shrimp on the buffet

right out from under me. I had already called it.

I know how much you hate shellfish power games.

So I want her to see me at the game tomorrow with my daughter.

Why? Because her children hate her.

Well, so much for my day of date prep,

all because of my warm relationship with my father.

- Yeah. - Alright. I've been thinking about it,

and I changed my mind.

I definitely do want to be in the game.

- Oh. Uh... Oh, damn. - What?

I just gave the last spot to Dennis.

What? But you wouldn't mind

giving Nell your spot, would you?

No. I am going to go out onto that court,

single-handedly win the game,

and give Pearl a piece of my mind.

Nell, we'll miss you tomorrow.

- Okay. - Dennis, I'm going to

get you some softball tutorials. Thank you.

Yeah.

Dennis... Dennis, what the hell?!

TJ wanted me to play. If I don't make it on that team,

- he's gonna biologically move on. - Oh, I did see that TikTok.

But, girl, I cannot support an in-office flirtuation.

- What? - No one should have to go through

what Pearl and I did.

You're welcome.

Hey! See you on the field tomorrow, buddy boy.

We'll talk crypto strat in the dugout.

- Thanks. - Sports.

Mason, good morning.

So, I need your spot in the game tomorrow.

Ohh, no can do, Shmelly Nelly.

Linkedln says that out of office activities

are the number one way to network

and make meaningful connections.

I didn't want to have to do this, but, um...

I know some things you don't want out in the open.

- Like what? - Three words...

Christmas party. Wrapping paper. Tina.

It's yours.

Wow, that was a good guess.

Welcome to the big game! The Rumble in the Park,

the battle of the presses,

the first ever head-to-head throw-down between KQUT

and your SoCal Independents.

- Ooh! Hey, look at you. - Hey.

This outfit says I'm a player, and I'm a playa.

- I am. - Yeah.

But I'm not sure I can say the rest for my team.

Carl's doing Karate Kid.

Ruth wore Birkenstocks.

And, Greg, what is Greg even doing here?

Greg is allergic to bees!

Okay, so we're not going to care about any of that.

- We are going to focus on flirting with TJ. - Right.

Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it.

- Ooh, boy, that's a lot of gum. - Mm-hmm.

- What's going on here? - What?

These look like they're from the '80s and not the good part.

Those are my lucky shades. I took my team to state finals

- in those. - They should have stayed there, okay?

So time out. Pay attention to your Crush Coach.

- Uh-huh. - Okay. There we go. Head in the game.

These are the only plays that you need to care about, alright?

The first one is called the Look Away.

- Okay. - We're gonna smile.

Gonna laugh.

We're gonna look away.

- I can do that. - Next up is the Squeeze Play.

- This is how the Squeeze... - Oh, I know the Squeeze Play.

This is when a batter bunts, and the guy on third

tries to steal home.

Get that out of your brain.

That is disgusting.

The Squeeze Play goes down like this.

- Okay. - You do a touch.

- Oh. - You do a squeeze.

- Ooh. - You do a release.

- I just got goosebumps. - I know!

Alright, well, thank you for the training,

but don't worry, I got this. Yeah.

- Today is about me and TJ. - That's right.

I'm not even going to think about the fact

that Cheryl is in the outfield pulling dandelions.

Cheryl, what the hell are you doing?!

- Get up! - This is gonna be a long season.

To your feet, Cheryl! To your feet.

Today's game is a veritable who's who in news and softball.

I believe I spot kajillionaire Duncan Rhodes.

How fun.

Chairs with no armrests or cushions

- or backs. - Well, well, well.

If it isn't Sharon Darynson.

Look at her, huh, showing up in her business casual,

trying to make me feel bad,

like I'm some kind of stiff, out-of-touch corporate titan.

Well, not today, Sharon Darynson. Huh?

Do me a favor. Hold this, will you?

Put the hot dog down.

What the hell are you doing?

Whitening trays.

I have a special meeting later tonight.

Keep the mouth apparatus away from Sharon Darynson.

Wow, I love the cleats.

Thanks. Yeah, I'm still the same size I was in high school.

Okay.

Hey, team, let's huddle up.

Alright. I want today to be all about fun.

Win or lose, we're gonna have a great time.

- Mm. - What position do you guys want to play?

I don't care, as long as I get the chance

to tell my ex-girlfriend

that she is a life-stealing, poisonous serpent.

- So... third base? - Yeah, sure.

Cheryl, what position do you think sounds fun?

Well, shortstop sounds cute.

It sounds like short stack, and I love pancakes.

That is cute.

Um, Coach, just, uh... just curious. I... I really love

the, like, "win, lose, picking positions for fun" thing.

But also, when I used to play,

you know, we would give people positions based on their skills

so that we had the best chance at winning.

Nell bringing the fire. I like it.

- Oh. Rah. - Yeah. Where do you want to play?

Oh, it doesn't matter to me, but... Shortstop.

Sorry, Cheryl.

- Mm! - Ah, ow.

- Okay. You can have shortstop. - Yay.

Cheryl, I think you're gonna find

second base a lot of laughs.

Doesn't sound like short stack.

- Let's go ahead and warm up. - Yeah.

I think I have three or four bottles or something.

- Oh, God. Lexi's here. - Why don't you go sit with her?

- I can't. - Why?

I've prepared two hours' worth of topics

to discuss on our first date...

college, movies,

favorite land mammal should get us through dessert.

But I can't afford to burn through any of these

- before tonight. - I'm sure you will

come up with something to talk about naturally.

Open conversation isn't really a comfortable space for me.

If I know women,

Lexi definitely wants you to come over there.

Oh, please don't come over here.

- Go on. - Please don't come over here.

Look at her, huh?

Trying to play the mind games.

Yeah? I'll take the bait, Sharon Darynson.

Hello, Sharon. I didn't see you here.

I saw you see me, so that's a lie.

So, how's TV news, huh?

Oh, I'm sorry, are you legally allowed

to refer to what you spray all over the screen as "news"?

Our numbers have never been better.

How is print journalism? Is that still circling the drain,

or did society already flush it?

- We're holding our own. - That's because

my asthmatic 97-year-old grandmother

still subscribes to your paper.

She uses it to line her cockatoo's birdcage.

She's incontinent. The bird, not my grandmother.

Grandma's as tight as a drum.

You know what? You and your grandma

can insult me all you want,

but I don't think you're going to be so full of yourselves

when you lose today.

Oh, really? Well, if you're so sure you're going to win,

why don't we make a little wager

to make this game a little bit more interesting?

A little shrimp wager? No, thanks.

Let's go jumbo, Sharon Darynson.

Let's see who we have in the crowd.

Any lovebirds for the kiss cam?

- Hello, there. - Hello.

So, this is softball.

Yes. I love how...

outside it is.

You're gonna do that right out here in the open?

What are you, a cop?

How's our girl doing?

She seems a little intense.

Nell! Hey, Nell.

What the hell kind of sign is that?

Pull your braid over your shoulder.

It looks really cute that way.

- Like that. - You ready to play?

- I was born ready. - Good.

- Oh. - 'Cause I'm gonna call this game

tighter than a beetle's butt crack.

You're gonna rue the day you stole my spot.

I am gonna haunt your dreams.

- Batter up! - Geez.

Play ball!

# Here she comes now sayin' Mony Mony #

You're out!

Looking good out there, Serrano.

Thanks.

# Come on Mony #

Great job out there, Carl!

Yeah. Keep it up. "It" being your glove

so that you don't miss easy flies, okay?

- Nell! - # You gotta toss and turn and feel all right #

I mean I believe in your ability

to use your hands and your eyes!

- You want a drink? - Yes!

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #

# 'Cause you make me feel #

- Safe! - What?!

Safe?! Safe?! Are you kidding?!

Did you see what I saw? Safe? You know what's not safe?

You're not safe, Mason. So you better sleep with one eye open,

you little bi-i...

beautiful baby boy. Mm!

Ah, rough start for the SoCal Independents.

Let's see if someone scored in the stands.

Have you... seen any good movies?

Yes.

Awkward.

And now up to bat, Dennis Simbeaux-Jones.

You got this, Dennis, okay?

- Easy out! - You just get on first,

and ol' Nelly's gonna take you right on home.

- Easy out! - You know, I already

told off Pearl this morning.

- Oh! - In the shower.

In my head. It actually went really well.

Mm. Did you get on base in the shower?

'Cause that's what I need you to do.

Okay. Let's go. Come on, Dennis! Let's go.

Oh. Whoo!

Yeah, easy out.

Also, he'll ditch you on your birthday

to watch a preview of "Shrek the Musical."

Previews are where the magic happens.

Strike one. Strike.

Strike three. You're out.

I told you.

- Wrong way. - Huh?

Got it.

I love the feeling of winning.

It's like eating the last shrimp.

I knew it was on purpose.

Of course it was. I saw the way you looked at that shrimp

and then made a yummy sound.

You left the tail just to taunt me, didn't you?

Here's the kicker. I'm allergic to shellfish,

so it made my throat close and my mouth laugh.

Yes! Yes!

Ah, another disappointing ending for your SoCal Independents,

who are down 4-0.

Okay. Time out! Nell? Okay.

How do you think it's going today?

Well, I don't think we're going to make it on SportsCenter,

but we're having fun and doing our best.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

Nell, what do you think?

Yeah, I... I think what TJ said.

Alright, what if I told you

I had $1 million riding on this game?

- What would you do differently? - I'd bring Carl in.

He can barely pick up a stapler,

let alone throw from the outfield.

I'd move Sara to first 'cause she can't run

in those heel spurs. And Dave is a lefty,

so I'd bring him to the right field,

- and I'd push Jill to center. - Interesting.

Alright, give me the ball, Skipper.

Alright, Nell's the coach now.

Oh, I... No, is... He was doing great.

You came to win the game.

What the hell you looking at?

Huh?

Here's where we're at, folks. SoCal is losing,

romance is fizzling, and rumor has it

there's a major wager on the game.

- I really screwed that up. - You did,

and I was giving you all the signals.

What is that supposed to even mean?

Your boobs look great, and it makes me really happy.

We've been drinking.

Okay, what am I supposed to do now?

Duncan wants me to win,

TJ thinks I'm a softball monster,

and now our flirtuation is a disaster.

That is called a "flirsaster."

That's funny, Cricket.

Cricket, this is not funny, okay?

This is a very delicate situation

where one person needs to admit that they like the other one,

but we're running out of time.

Come on, Crush Coach, what am I supposed to do?

Let me consult the experts.

I follow this great 22-year-old influencer.

- She will know exactly what to do. - Okay?

Are you two really looking at social media

to figure out how to talk to people and be real?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Do you know what we did in my day? - Mnh.

We talked to people, and we were real.

- That sounds so hard. - It's a lot of work.

- Yeah. - Wow. Was that fast?

- Yes. - Ohh. Good.

Does this do anything else?

No.

I feel like this isn't working.

I was hoping it was just me.

Maybe we're just not meant

for this whole sitting and talking thing.

Maybe we're just two sexual beings?

Only meant for bodily connection and nothing more?

Oh, good God. Look at Mason gulping that down.

I've seen buzzards with more self-control.

I hope he got consent from the water bottle.

Look at Ruth. She's holding on to that bat

like it's her second husband.

I hear the bat's refusing to go to couples' therapy, too.

Hey. So, um...

- I'm sorry. - About what?

You're this nice chocolate chip cookie,

and I'm a softball monster.

Are you okay?

I've been trying to hide this part of who I am,

because I didn't want you to see

that I'm actually really competitive.

Oh, I already knew that.

Strike three! You're outta here!

And that's the bottom of the sixth, folks.

Alright, let's take the field.

So you don't care that I'm so... me?

Are you kidding? I love how passionate you are.

So, you like me?

Like, like me, like me?

Nell, I come to your floor every day

to have coffee that tastes like New Jersey

just to see you.

Yes, I like you, like you very much.

- You said it. - Yeah, I did say it.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Wait... Um, you're kind of leaving me hanging here.

Because I don't know.

- I have to think about it. - Yeah, of course.

You're a dummy! Of course I like you.

- You do? - Yeah. Play better, though.

It's embarrassing.

Are we playing ball, or are we playing grab-ass?

Let's go!

Okay!

Top of the ninth. It's a real nail-biter.

Bases are loaded. Two outs.

This could be the last chance for SoCal Independent.

Print journalism could really use a win here, folks.

- Alright, Dennis! Let's go. - Alright, Dennis. Dennis, let's go.

Remember, you should be reporting live

from a flood zone right now, but Pearl took that away!

And as luck would have it,

up next is Dennis Simbeaux-Jones. Oh, crap.

You can do this, you excitable little fella

whose name I keep forgetting.

You're such a great leader.

Yeah! Nobody's stopping my Dennis.

That's quite the stance. That is...

- That is an interesting stance. - Oh.

Here comes the pitch.

Ow!

- Oh! Yes! - Oh! Oh!

- Ow! - Take your base.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Yeah! Dennis, you did it!

You stood there and you did nothing,

and now you get to go to first base!

What is this game?

Let's go!

- Let's go, baby! - Run!

Pearl, you're going down.

Yay, Denny!

Oh, Benny, you guys made it! Hi!

Whoo-hoo!

What am I doing?

- No, no, what is he doing? - Just go.

Oh, for crying out loud.

- No. No, no, no, Dennis! - No, no!

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no! - No, no, no, no, Dennis.

- Dennis, go back! Go back! - Aah!

Runner outside the base path. You're out!

That's the ballgame!

How do I get out?

- The door over there! - Thank you so much.

And that's out number three.

This game is over. Who's giving me a ride home?

You think you'd take a million dollars

- instead of our actual bet? - Not a chance.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

- Sorry we lost. - Ah, we almost had it,

but Dennis really imploded. Ugh!

Is that gonna be us? An office romance gone wrong

that's gonna haunt us for years?

Wow. Romance. That's a big word.

Yeah. You're right.

- How about this word? - Mm?

Date.

Yes. I'm in.

He asked me out.

And that is how you play the game.

That's how you play the game. Wait a minute.

- Did you say that already? - I just said it.

We lost the game.

And since you were the coach, the buck stops with you.

And you'll have to pay the bet that I lost

to that petty woman, Sharon Darynson.

I don't have a million dollars.

Oh, this is worse.

You will be taking care of Mrs. Crumball

for Sharon Darynson's grandmother

until she gets back from her cruise.

Around the world.

It was Dennis' fault.

I don't know who that is.

Okay.