Original subtitles

You have no idea how desperate I am to get going.

Orm is just so extremely intense these days.

Just have to run away from him every now and then.

- I can't just run away from him. - That's what we've always done.

Frøya, I've packed a tent for us,

and some nice pelts to lie on.

And if we find some flowers when we get there,

I'm sure the tent will look real homely.

- Orm, you're not coming with us. - Yes.

No.

Yes, and I also got some colostrum from a goat

that we can rub our fingers in so we don't get blisters from all the holding hands.

- Olav? - Mm-hm.

Is he coming?

Yeah. Orm is of chieftain blood, he's coming with us.

- He won't be at your heels all the time. - Okay.

- Oh. - Orm.

You're gonna lead the senior battalion in the battle.

What? Is girlie man going to lead us?

Yes.

No. I think there's been some miscommunication.

I'm more a person who stays in the tent

and makes everything look nice and tidy, and decorates and that,

- and that's just as important. - Yeah, but now you're gonna get a chance.

- Or maybe not. - Oh, yes, Orm.

This is gonna go great.

Hang on a minute. You know, this may not be such a bad idea after all.

Orm is the least experienced of all the warriors in Norheim,

and who better to lead us to certain death than Orm?

Yes, yes.

Even though I may have a couple of good years left in me,

this may be my last chance to die with dignity.

And not peacefully, in a boring bed surrounded with friends and family.

Exactly. Orm is our ticket to Valhalla.

- To Orm. - Orm!

Arvid. Imagine that we're going on a trip together, huh?

- That's fun. It's about time. - Yeah.

I must have invited you to at least 100 sleepovers and camping trips,

but you were always unavailable then, had other commitments.

Now we're here, finally.

I just can't wait to see you in a battle.

A battle. Most controversies I solve verbally, in the most cases.

Now we try to solve conflicts with brute force.

Yes, but in most cases,

you talk through the conflict and find a reasonable solution.

Take this.

- Nothing is more beautiful than a battle. - Hm.

Yes, this should be good, Varg.

Ah, they will sing about this day.

The day...

Norway learns that one should be above

spreading rumors about certain individuals losing their hair.

- Is that what we're fighting about here? - Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Whether it's true or not...

- you just don't say things like that. - You don't.

Then you're attacking the person and not the problem,

- That is right. - And that's not okay.

- It's not okay. - No.

It's very poor style.

I'm offended, too.

Jarl Bjørn, you dirty rat!

Smart move, leading all the piglets to the slaughter!

Shh, keep quiet.

Keep quiet! I can't hear a word he's saying.

I'm going to rip the skin of your cock...

...and boil it and burn it!

And I'm going to eat it.

Can't hear a word.

I'm going to burn you all, mother...

You have to speak up!

We can't hear a word!

Silence. He's responding.

Hush.

...you hairless whore man!

I can't hear a word you're saying. You're too far...

You're too far away! Your volume doesn't match the distance.

This is not very practical. Come.

He wants to speak. Come.

You don't want me to do the talking?

Correct. I don't want you to do the talking.

Okay.

You think it will take long?

- It will take as long as it takes. - Okay.

It was just that we were standing in front of the army,

so I didn't get a chance to pee before we left. Now it's, uh...

precarious.

I guess I'll just do it in my pants.

Then I don't have to worry about it anymore.

So...

Yeah.

Bjørn, Bjørn, Bjørn...

so sad.

My best friend became my worst enemy.

Varg, apparently all your kindness,

all your warmth, your personality, was in your hair.

What a sad version of yourself you have become.

You are a sad version of yourself.

If I had been as terrible a person as you,

I could have pointed out how extremely ugly you are with those burns.

But I don't. I'm above personal attacks.

I will give you one last chance to spare the lives of all these innocent men.

All I demand is an apology.

What? You want me to apologize?

I am the offended party.

Varg, you killed my whole family.

You burned them down, you disfigured my face.

It's a little bit more serious than one comment

about your hair loss, isn't it?

I had...

a beautiful mane.

My hair was exceptional.

Come on, your hair was not exceptional, Varg.

Yes, it was, until you sabotaged it.

You had classic male pattern baldness, Varg.

With a receding hairline, going from here to Helheim.

All I did was stating the obvious.

And now, please, you have to tell me how your hair loss

somehow is my fault.

It is very simple.

You said I was a little bit thin up top. Mm-hm?

Which triggered a stress reaction...

and started a process... that caused my...

hair to fall off.

You jinxed my hair.

That was your fault.

You jinxed my hair.

Come on, Varg, give me a break.

You can't jinx hair.

Just not possible.

- It's not possible? - No.

It's not possible!

It's not possible.

How about dragons?

Are dragons possible?

Are dragons...

possible?

Did you say that stuff about dragons because we have a dragon on our team?

Of course.

And another thing.

Have you planned that line all along, or did you just improvise it?

It was 100% script-based.

A line like that...

can hardly be improvised.

Right. I'm just trying to learn.

One day I might become jarl myself.

Then it's good to know all the tricks.

No, you will never become jarl. It won't happen.

No.

Yeah. Good job.

So, uh... what's going on? What do we do now?

Now we are waiting for the dragon.

- The dragon? - That's my secret weapon.

It will incinerate Jarl Bjørn's army without us losing a single man.

Okay.

- So, that's our plan? - Yes.

I've never really believed in dragons.

No, uh... I must admit, Varg,

I always thought that dragons were fictional creatures.

Have you seen this with your own eyes?

No. But I have seen some drawings.

So, I know what it's capable of.

But you haven't actually seen it?

Now, what kind of interrogation is this?

No, I haven't seen it.

But like I said...

I have seen some very good drawings.

Let's take a look over there.

Okay.

Go and look for a... a dragon.

Jarl Varg.

So, there you are... Dragon Lady.

You sure took your sweet time.

Yeah, well, you can't stress the dragon.

You know? It needs to get ready at its own pace.

I understand. But, um...

where is she?

Oh, she should have been here by now.

I'm sure she'll be here any second now.

Great. I'm so looking forward to it.

I'm starting to lose faith in this so-called dragon of yours.

But you simply can't tell a dragon

an exact time it's supposed to show up somewhere and expect that it will.

Animals, they don't have...

a sense of time, you know, like we do.

- There! - Where?

Oh, it's just an eagle or something. Sorry.

That's a seagull.

Sorry.

So, you think you can humiliate me with your lies?

What do you mean?

You made a fool of me with those drawings, and false hopes.

No.

But there isn't any dragon, is there?

Of course there is a dragon.

- You just have to trust me. - Never mind.

I've already been betrayed one time too many.

There. There she is, just behind you.

Do not turn around! She has fooled us enough.

I order every one of you, do not turn around.

Hello, this is ridiculous. She's right behind you.

This is a trick. She's a lying, redheaded hooker!

Turn around.

We are not turning around, that's an order.

- Please. - No.

We're not turning around.

Arouse!

Hello, hello, hello, this is completely ridiculous.

I mean, just turn around and you'll see, she's there.

Forget it! Now it's a matter of principle.

This is almost exactly like in Aesop. Just opposite.

You can just turn around and you'll see I'm telling the truth.

Nei!

Shoot!

Straight in the bazookas.

My entire plan is useless now.

We will have to go for a... go on mock battle.

A mock battle?

Storming in, weapons in hand.

Impaling, guts ripped out of bodies, lots of screams, death.

It's going to be a classic confusing medieval battle,

where you can barely know your friend from a foe.

Excuse me. Are we allowed to go berserk?

You know, go a little crazy?

Oh, you're allowed to go crazy.

You're allowed to go very... crazy.

Then that's what we're gonna do.

Um, suggestion.

- Suggestion. - Go ahead.

What if I lead the senior battalion through the forest over there,

and then come up behind Jarl Bjørn's troops,

- like a sneaking maneuver? - You mean, a flanking maneuver?

Yes, a flanking maneuver, yes. Ten points to you.

Good idea, Orm.

Good idea.

I'm all for that. Yeah.

Great initiative. Senior battalion, you go with Orm.

Do you feel it? The assicle just pulsating.

It's... like you can feel your heartbeat down there.

It's like the heart has been moved down to the perineum.

And that means that we're getting close to battle.

I'm sure you all feel it.

No.

I don't feel anything on my perineum.

No, but your assicle is probably withered

because you're so very, very, very old.

And no matter what, this is not the time nor place to take a closer look.

Follow me. It's time to flank.

Orm, you can't stop already.

We have to move up behind Jarl Bjørn.

Yes, but we can't risk being out of breath when we get there.

Then we've been neutralized. A slightly fatigued warrior

is a dead warrior.

I think we should have taken a right back there.

No. No, no, no. Just follow me, follow me.

But we are farther away now than we were five minutes ago.

Yeah, we can hardly hear the battle anymore.

Yes, but the thing is, in the forest, you can sometimes be tricked by the sound

because you think something is farther away

and then it's actually just very close.

- No, it's not like that. - Yes, it is like that, in the forest.

This... this way. This way.

Look.

A squirrel.

So what?

Quick, find some nuts for it.

Why in the world are we feeding a squirrel now?

I don't know, I just had this sneaking suspicion

that it might be crucial to the outcome of this battle.

This is total bull crap.

Oddvar, I am leading this battalion,

and I happen to know what I'm doing.

Everyone, this is an order. Find nuts now.

Woo-hoo!

Stop. Spare his cock.

Bjørn is mine.

Orm, I told you,

we should have taken a right back there.

Sure, and hindsight is the world's most exact science.

We could have been sitting with Thor and Odin now.

Having a nice conversation.

- But no. - Yes.

If Odin had been so interested in having you at his table,

- you would have been there by now. - But it was your job to lead us

- into battle. - Yes, and then Odin intervened

because that's what Odin does. Because he's Odin,

and he can do things like that.

He intervenes when he feels there's a need for intervention.

Jan Tore.

Jan Tore, are you here?

Grenjar.

Grenjar, are you here?

Halldor.

Jarl.

How do you know you aren't killing people from our side?

It's not like we have the same uniforms.

I don't know, I, uh...

recognize our guys. I think.

You recognize 20,000 men?

Yeah. Um, yeah.

Okay.

What about this?

Did you just kill this guy?

Did I just kill this guy? No.

No? Good.

Because that's Gisle.

A childhood buddy, one of the guys.

We're a group of close-knit childhood friends who go on trips and...

hang out on other occasions during the year.

Yule dinners and...

stuff like that.

Someone sliced off his cock, too.

Who would do such a thing?

I don't know.

Look at that. Look.

Halldor?

- Halldor. - I was just lost in my own world there,

ramming my sword into anything that moved.

You know, assuming that the guys who fell that direction, uh...

were on our team, and the guys who fell that direction

- were on Jarl Bjørn's team. - Same here.

- Jan Tore, are you here? - Is that supposed to be wrong now?

Oh, Frøya, my love.

Orm?

- You survived? - Yes.

I didn't see that one coming. Good job.

Not without a scratch.

I guess you haven't truly been in battle unless your feet bleed.

Feels good to have your first battle scars.

Those are blisters.

That's your truth.

- Yeah. - In my truth, these are battle scars.

Okay.

Just imagine, Frøya, now we've been in battle together.

Yeah.

There's something very romantic, and also very barbaric, about that.

- Now we're brothers-in-arms. - How did the flanking go?

Great, great. They never saw us coming.

Good.

You have to clean all the way in there

- not to start smelling. - Right.

You know. And when you get a wife, you're going to hear it.

A tyrant is bowed, a bully removed.

And my wife's indirect killer is finally

my prisoner.

Let us celebrate with a feast, in Vargnes.

- What about... - Yeah, okay.

We were actually thinking about calling it a day, Varg.

We had quite a few injured that need to be tended to

and things like that, so it would be really good to get home.

This is not an invitation, it's an order!

Of course.

The feast begins tomorrow.

And I want to see all your people there.

Good, good. That's great.

Yeah. Okay, just unpack, we're staying here.

Great.

Yeah, let's think positive. We'll get... Yeah, we'll get departed.

I truly feel this relationship is taking shape, Frøya.

- You think so? - Oh, yes.

Yes. I feel we're the kind of couple that other couples envy.

- Anyway, now it's time for some cuddling. - Yeah.