Original subtitles

I cannot stress strong enough how important it is,

but a luscious head of hair.

Yeah, totally agree.

My hair is my pride and my delight.

What will I be without it?

It's hard to say, hard to say.

A man's hair says everything about his personality.

A bald man...

...is like a blank rune stick.

Zero content...

no credibility.

Yes, yes.

Men with a full head of hair

simply have more options when it comes to...

cultivating their appearance.

You're not exactly tied to one style

as you kind of are when you're bald.

You're right.

- Hi. - Ah!

My beautiful darling.

I couldn't have dreamt of a better wife.

I couldn't have dreamt of a better husband.

- But we need to get going. - Yeah.

We wouldn't want to be late for Jarl Bjørn's feast,

when you're the guest of honor.

- How is my hairdo? - Absolutely perfect.

- Well groomed, Hund. - Thank you.

And please make sure that the brushes are ready when I return.

- Of course. - So we can explore some new hairstyles.

- Of course. - Good.

- Have a nice trip. - Bye-bye.

Varg.

Finally, you are here.

My very best friend.

Reidun, as beautiful as ever.

Bjørn, the man I value the most.

Likewise.

We are soulmates who have known each other since we were suckling babies.

And we share a philosophy of life and sense of humor.

And we can speak confidentially about ups and downs in our lives.

And we respect each other's peculiarities,

and we dare to be vulnerable to each other.

That we do, Varg, that we do.

And you...

You have been an invaluable support in phases of my life,

when things have not been that easy.

If everyone had a best friend like Jarl Varg,

the world would be a better place, guaranteed.

Skål!

Looks to me like you're getting a bit thin up top, Varg.

Say what?

I said, it looks to me like you're getting a bit thin up top.

- Right. - Don't say that.

Varg's mane is his pride and joy.

Mane?

Well, congratulations. You have the thinnest mane in Midgard.

Thinnest mane in Midgard? That's funny. That's very funny.

- Very funny, actually. - No. Sorry, we shouldn't laugh.

You look just as lovely with thinning hair.

Maybe even lovelier. Hair loss actually becomes you.

Absolutely. I'm sorry if I...

It was not my intention to make fun of your hair.

I know that hair loss can be an emotional burden.

I may have gone over the line there.

- I hope you can forgive me. - I forgive you, of course.

You are already forgiven. No problem at all.

- My best friend. - My best friend.

Let's eat!

This way. Come on.

Halt!

Up! Up!

Shut your mouth!

Looks to me like you're getting a bit thin up top.

You look just as lovely with thinning hair.

Well, congratulations. You have the thinnest mane in Midgard.

- Jarl. What is it? - Hm?

Are you still mad about the hair comments?

No. No, no, no.

No, it's, um... it's um...

There's always some tolerance between good old friends.

Yeah. Good. I feel guilty for laughing.

No, no, please, please.

Laughter is nothing but a spontaneous emotional outburst.

- Yeah. - Something you just...

can't control.

- Okay. I'm sorry. - It's okay.

- Okay. - It's okay.

I... I... I think it's a little bit cold in here.

I think the temperature is fine.

Oh, I think I just want it much warmer, I guess.

- Actually, I really want it much warmer. - Okay.

Just sit, I'll take care of it.

- Okay. - Yes, I'll do that.

I'll take care of it.

The shitting log system is based on mutual trust.

While seated there, your body's most private parts are on display.

And it's everyone's responsibility to stay away.

Yesterday, we had an incident,

where the shitting log stalker was more daring than ever.

- Oddvar. - Yes, I'm sitting on the...

On the shitting log, minding my own business.

And suddenly, a hand shoots out of the ground

and starts caressing my scrotum.

In a perfect world, we would have stalls

where we could sit in peace, shielded from view.

But unfortunately, we're not quite there yet.

Orm.

Get up here.

It's very important that the chieftain's family stand together, showing disgust.

- Yeah? - Mm-hm.

Yes. First, I would like to say that my thoughts go to Oddvar

and, uh, his family.

- Thank you very much. - Mm.

But I feel, perhaps, that she has received her punishment now,

for something that I perhaps would just call an innocent prank.

This is not a prank.

This is assault.

The thought of her staring straight into my brown eye,

that's traumatic.

- Yes, yes. - It will take a lot of work

- for me to get over this, guaranteed. - Sure, yes.

But, uh, we know nothing of her motivation.

Maybe she's just doing this because she lacks other ways to vent.

Orm...

No, but maybe she's been left out her entire life.

Maybe she's been excluded from this and that, and, uh...

you know, so that sneaking around the toilet pole

is her way of achieving some sort of intimacy and nearness.

But what do I know about this? I know nothing of this,

so it's pure guesswork on my end.

- Yes. - Hypothesis.

Thank you, Orm, for that contribution.

But trust has been violated in such a villainous manner

that we have no other option than sending the shitting log stalker

- to Helheim... - No!

- ...where shitting log stalkers belong. - No!

Wait! Wait!

- You've been tricked. - Hm?

I'll tell you who the shitting log stalker is...

- Yeah? - And it will send shockwaves...

through the whole of Norheim!

It happens to be none other than...

The scrotum voyeur is...

I just lost my patience.

She enjoyed being the center of attention a little too much for my taste.

Varg?

Varg?

Varg?

Varg?

Oi!

Nothing.

Your eye looks perfectly fine.

How was the feast?

Looks like it got a little out of hand.

Take me home.

Where is Reidun?

Your wife, Reidun.

Is she coming home with us?

Just take me home.

Come on, everyone together now.

Food?

It's genitalian today.

And what do we say?

- Thank you. Thank you so much. - Thank you.

Exactly.

I don't mind a few maggots in the bread, but...

what is that aftertaste?

- He said it was, um... genitalian. - Mm-hm.

So, I guess it's an aftertaste of unwashed genitalia.

Why does he even bother?

Puns, the lowest form of humor.

I think he's just testing us.

To see if we'll complain.

But I refuse to break down.

- I shall persist... - Mm-hm.

In this miserable life. The only think keeping me up...

is you.

We shall toil and sweat,

and one day the Vikings will realize that we are a hardworking family

that deserve our freedom.

Hear! Hear!

Did you know that, every year, the chieftain frees one slave family?

Why shouldn't that be us this year? Nobody works harder than us.

We never complain.

Right?

You might want to lower your expectations a little bit, Arnstein.

But know this,

that whether we gain our freedom or not,

I love you.

I love you, too.

As long as we have each other, we are strong.

- Nothing can break us. - Nothing.

- Hi. - Hi.

Orm!

Orm!

Come on.

I know you're out there somewhere.

Orm?

Orm?

Or...

Orm.

- Orm. - Hildur, hi!

Hi. You look nice.

I was just down here, checking on something.

- What are you doing? - Hm?

Did you dig this?

No, no.

So, what are you doing here, then?

I suggest that we now just should go separate ways,

and forget about everything that's happened, because nothing has happened.

I know exactly what has happened here.

I just knew all along that you were the shitting log stalker.

- Me? - Mm-hm.

By Odin, aren't you allowed to crawl around the shitting log

in a subterranean intricate tunnel system

without being accused of all kinds of things?

And describe which one that he ate.

First, he ate one of these, and then he took a big bite out of one of these.

Okay, so that one is deadly, then?

Uh, it's hard to tell. It could just as well have been the first one.

Can't you just eat that one, Kark, and we'll see?

- That's good. - Simple as that.

Yeah, um...

What are you doing?

Trying to figure out which mushrooms we can eat, and which ones are deadly.

Depending on how it goes with Kark here now,

I think we have found some new ones we can eat.

But, Olav, you need to come with me.

- Come on. - Okay.

How's it going, Kark?

Feels okay. It's...

Say it isn't true.

Can't we just focus on other things now?

Just move the focus. Let's put the spotlight on something else.

But sitting and hiding...

by the toilet pole,

watching other people defecate.

- Ah. - It's just so low, Orm.

And not only have you been sitting there, staring into people...

you killed an innocent old lady.

If people find out about this...

the best you can wish for is to become an outlaw.

Mm. And it reflects poorly on me,

as your sister-in-law.

And that might be the most important thing here.

The last thing I promised Father before he died

was to make a man out of you, Orm.

Yeah.

But then, that kind of...

fizzled out, with so many other things that were more tempting.

- Different things, actually... - Yeah.

But now, the time has come.

- No. - Yes.

From now on, you're going to join us in battle, you're going to plunder,

you're going to mutilate, and not least,

you're going to do real Viking things.

You're not going to do this crocheting and things like that.

No, you can't make me. Crocheting is my life. I won't do it. I hate you.

I'm your big brother, I'm your chieftain,

- and I decide this. - No, you don't decide.

You can't control me because I'm soon 18 years old.

And Hildur and I, we have decided that now you are going to marry.

- No! - We're going to find you a wife

that can make a man out of you.

- No. - Yes, you said it yourself.

- You lack nearness and intimacy. - No, I am not going to do it,

- it's not going to happen. - We're talking about a person, Orm,

who'll be with you for the rest of your life.

Someone who will be tied to you,

till death do you part.

- Really? - Mm.

Like, tied to me almost?

Nevermore alone, constantly searching for companionship?

Nevermore alone, constantly searching for companionship, Orm.

And we know exactly the person for you.

Who?

Frøya, it's me, Chieftain Olav.

And Hildur, the First Lady!

Let me do the talking.

Frøya, so this is where you live?

- Yes. - Nice place.

Lots of cadavers.

Are there any animals left in the woods now?

Yes.

That was just a...

Because you killed so many, so...

Just a funny comment.

Yes, there are animals left.

Okay, I'll go straight to the point.

- Okay. - Yeah, the thing is,

my brother, Orm, he has, uh, become single,

which opens up an incredibly exciting opportunity

- for the right person. - Orm?

- I don't think I've met him. - No?

A man of honor. Or... he has the potential to become a man of honor

if the right conditions are in place.

Okay, so he's not a man of honor quite yet?

No, but he will be.

You can put it this way.

May Odin see to it that I get stabbed in the stomach several times,

and my intestines pulled out in the most grotesque manner

- if that doesn't happen. - Maybe I should take over for now, Olav.

Maybe you could just go for a walk and let us ladies talk?

Let's do that.

Good talk.

Frøya.

Orm is perfect for you.

- Okay. - Mm-hm.

Yes, and you're perfect for him.

Frøya, he needs you.

- Why? - He needs a woman with...

guts. Someone who's a little rough around the edges

and can yank him out of his comfort zone

and lure him into some new interests.

- New interests? - Yes, something more in line of

what you are doing out here.

You know, instead of crocheting,

dyeing fabrics, and making garlands of wildflowers.

Doesn't exactly sound like

- the perfect match for me. - But that's just what it is.

You know, opposites attract.

- What? - Opposites attract.

- Never heard. - But they do.

Why don't you want to move into Norheim,

instead of living out here in the middle of nowhere?

Get a longhouse, some slaves,

all the food and clothes you want. All the things you have to work so hard for now.

Yeah, I hear what you're saying, but I'm really not that interested.

Frøya, let it marinate for a while.

Just think about whether killing animals for the rest of your life

is ideal, or if there's something else that might be better.

That went pretty well.

You could have tried to give her an order.

Your leadership style has been quite weak lately.

- You think so? - Yes.

I must say, when you're that evasive, my pussy kind of dries up a little.

- Really, it dries up? - Yes.

And it wasn't that smart to say that Odin could stab you

and pull your guts out if Orm doesn't become a man of honor.

No, I see that. I see that. I got a little carried away.

I wouldn't worry too much. You know Odin,

he has better things to do than listening to me all the time.

Hey. I brought you this.

Hot-water bottle.

Is there a hole in my head?

No. No, there's not.

I want to see. Give me a sword.

Sword.

Sword?

I lost my hair.

You know, that's because you've been through a traumatic experience.

Yeah. The hair will come back.

- Yes. - Yeah. Pray.

I'm bald.

Will you look at that. That was strange, I've never seen that before.

- That was news to me. - But you've been combing me for years.

You know what, Varg?

You look much better with a big bald spot.

It makes you much more interesting. People become curious about you.

And you know what they say, variety is the spice of life.

No one says that yet.