Original subtitles

Make sure I'm in the frame.

Make sure you get my head. I want to see my hair.

All right, all right. Janis, hurry up!

It's not easy making a movie.

You better not drop my phone.

You got it?

Yep. Yep. Yep. Okay, here we go.

Hey... Oh, Lord. Shit.

We're Cloverfielding. Pick it up.

Give me a minute. Make sure I'm in the frame, girl.

Give me a minute! Am I in the frame?

I'm in there? Yes.

Get me in the frame? Yeah.

You got my head in there? Yeah.

Boom, let's go.

No one died.

Spin. Clicker. Fosse!

Truth.

Cady?

I've been thinking about what you said.

About being frustrated by my decision

and feeling a little stuck here,

just me and you.

I'm sorry I yelled.

But you have a point.

Maybe I've been a little selfish,

putting my research ahead

of your social and emotional development.

I called the people from Northwestern back.

I took the job.

What?

But they need me to start on September 9th.

I'll pick you up at 3:00.

Bitch, move.

Hope you all had a good summer.

Mine was pretty good.

I worked in my brother-in-law's

golf pro shop.

Did not make a lot of money, so of course I am back

to help shepherd you all into the future.

May I have everyone's attention, please?

Eyes to the front of the room.

You may notice we have a new student joining us today.

She just moved here from Kentucky.

Kenya.

Kenya. Her name is Caddy.

It's Cady. Cady Heron.

My apologies. I will commit that to memory.

Cady, like the Canadian songstress k.d. lang,

and Heron, like the illegal street drug.

Thank you, Caddy. It's Cady.

Cady, hi. I'm Ms. Norbury. I'll be your homeroom teacher.

This is your roster.

I see I also have you for A.P. Calculus.

You must have had excellent teachers at your old school.

Oh, I was homeschooled. Homeschooled?

Oh, that's a fun way to take jobs from my union.

No, I'm joking. It's fine. Ah.

Um, do you think you can follow this schedule?

Yeah, I think so. Okay, you're gonna be moving

from class to class with each...

That's it.

Everybody find a seat.

Please.

This is first period:

American Literature.

"...care of myself"?

"Crap." Correct answer was "crap."

Find a seat.

I don't want you to think of me

as just any other teacher.

I prefer to think of myself

as a time traveler.

Maintenant nous choisissons nos noms français.

Cady. Comment tu t'appelles?

Je m'appelle Cady. Incorrecte!

You have to pick a French name.

All the French people I know

just call me Cady.

Just say Marie.

Um... Marie?

Marie.

J'anice. J'anice.

Chanel. Non.

Fantine. Non.

Celine Dion?

Non.

Beyonce

Quais. Mais non.

Welcome to "Health and Human Sexuality."

Now, this fall we'll be getting

into the state-mandated unit on Abstinence.

Of course then followed by, in the spring,

Condoms and Choking.

Where do you think you're going there, hotshot?

I need to urinate.

No way, José.

Uh, it's Cady.

Well, Cady,

first thing you need to do is ask permission.

But the second thing you'll need

is this lavatory pass

that is shaped like a sperm whale.

Get it?

Um...

May I please have the lavatory pass?

No, you may not. You may go sit back down.

You can go at lunch. Nice try, kiddo.

All right, let's jump into this!

This won't be awkward at all, I swear to God.

This one.

Are you okay in there?

Uh, yes.

'Cause you've been in there a very long time.

We're concerned you're either doing drugs

or having a toilet baby.

Hi. I'm Janis.

And je m'appelle Sasha Fierce.

This is Damian.

He is almost too gay to function.

But I push through. I manage.

Hi.

We've been watching you all day.

You're a mess.

So we volunteer to amplify your lunch experience.

Yeah, what Damian is saying is we will help you, Caddy.

Thanks so much. Um... it's Cady.

Yeah. I'm gonna call you Caddy.

Get out of the toilet!

Mkay.

You just need to find your clique and commit to it.

You have your Jocks.

Your Corny Horny Band Freaks.

Your Classic Burnouts.

Do any of these feel like your people?

I don't think so. Hmm...

You know what might be cute for her?

What, Grade Grubbers?

No, I was gonna say Theater Mess.

And who's at that table?

Oh, no, no, no.

We call them the Plastics

'cause they're shiny, fake and hard.

Yeah, that's Gretchen Wieners.

She knows everything about everybody.

That's why her hair's so big.

It's full of secrets.

And that's Karen Shetty.

She's the dumbest person you'll ever meet.

I once saw her put a D in the word "orange."

Could I just sit with you guys?

I actually don't know.

We've never been asked that question before.

Could she?

We are very exclusive,

but I think we can make an exception.

What was that? Oh, Lord, it's the Queen Bee. Don't look her in the eye!

You.

Yeah, you. Come here.

Why don't I know you?

I'm new. I just moved here from Kenya.

Shut up.

Shut up!

I didn't say anything.

You're, like, really pretty.

Thanks. So you agree?

You think you're really pretty?

Oh, I don't know.

You're an international student. That is so fetch.

What is "fetch"?

It's like slang from an old movie.

Juno, I think.

Have you ever touched a tiger?

Uh, no, those aren't indigenous to Kenya.

'Cause that's one of my life goals.

To not touch a tiger.

Hey, new girl! You want to see a trick?

I can guess any girl's bra size.

All you got to do is jump one time.

Ew, Jason! Do me.

Oh, my God, Jason.

You do not come to a party at my house with Gretchen

and then skeeze on the new girl right in front of me.

Do you want to have sex with him?

Oh, uh... no, thank you.

Okay, then it's settled.

Jason, no one thinks you're funny.

Okay? And this thing you're doing

where you lower your voice when you talk

is making people really sad.

Excuse me, anyone who would like Jason Weems

to go back to his normal speaking voice,

please raise your hand.

Yeah.

Bitch.

Wow.

You're really gonna get noticed around here.

We should help you.

Can you give us some privacy for a sec?

Oh. Yeah, sure.

I have your lunch!

All right.

So, we never really do this, but...

...you're invited to eat lunch with us

for the rest of the week. Oh. Um...

That's okay. On Wednesdays, we wear pink.

They want me to have lunch with them all week.

That is tits!

She means "that's great."

I don't really get why you guys hate them so much.

Regina seems kind of cool. No, no...

Regina George is not cool.

She's a scum-sucking life ruiner.

Janis hates Regina because when we were in sixth grade,

she told everybody that she was-- Hey, Damian!

What?

Shall we not?

I am providing context.

Caddy?

You should have lunch with them

and then report back and tell us

every stupid, moronic thing they said.

Spy on them? That's bad.

No! Look at us.

Would we ever ask you to do something bad?

Uh...

Okay. Yes!

Do you have a pink shirt I can borrow?

No! Yes! What shade?

Welcome to A.P. Calculus.

Congratulations. You know more math than 85% of Americans.

But you will not rest on your laurels this year.

I plan to push you.

So let's get started.

Chapter One, "Limits and Their Properties."

What the heck are limits, you say?

If I write out the equation,

"The limit as x approaches two of [x + 1],"

the function is what we're taking the limit of.

I don't expect you to know how to do this yet.

The limit equals three.

That's right.

Let's try another one.

Find the value of k

for which the following limit exists.

K equals negative three. Damn, girl!

Wow.

Are you trying to make the rest of us feel dumb?

No, I... I'm not trying to. It's just, uh, happening.

Oh, okay, it's like that. All right, um, well...

challenge accepted.

I'm okay.

Mom, you can't pick me up like this.

It's embarrassing.

You can't wear a tank top two days in a row

and you can only wear your hair in a ponytail once a week.

So I guess you've chosen today.

Oh! And we only wear sweats or track pants on Fridays.

If you break any of these rules,

you can't sit with us.

I mean, not just you, like, any of us.

Like if I wore sweatpants today,

I'd have to go sit over there...

...with the Art Freaks.

That seems fair.

120 calories and 48 calories from fat.

What percent is that?

Um, 48 into 120?

There's no way of knowing.

It's 40%.

42 over 120

equals x over 100, and then you cross-multiply

to get the value of x.

Hmm.

Whatever. Um, I'm getting cheese fries.

So, have you seen any guys you think are cute yet?

Oh, um, well, actually, there's this one guy in my Calculus class.

Ooh, a senior! Who is it? Uh, Aaron Samuels.

You can't like Aaron Samuels! That is Regina's ex-boyfriend! No. No. Bad. Bad. Danger.

Wait. I thought she dumped him for Shane Oman.

Irregardless!

Ex-boyfriends are off-limits for friends.

That's just, like, the rules of feminism!

Don't worry.

I will never tell Regina what you said.

I am very trustworthy.

Karen's had sex with 11 people and I've never told anyone.

Yo, Golf Bird.

Those fractions were tight. What?

"Caddy Heron." "Golf Bird."

I don't like it. I don't get it.

I'm Kevin Ganatra. I'm from your Calc class.

I sit diagonally from you.

I'm also captain of the North Shore Mathletes.

We're a very chill, dope, extracurricular option.

You know, serve your college rezzy

and your thirst for knolly. Don't say "knolly."

Also Ms. Norbury says we get twice as much funding

if we had a girl on the team, so think about joining,

because we'd love to get jackets.

Okay, yeah, sure. Where do I...

No, no, you cannot join Mathletes.

That is, like, socially ruinous!

Ew, no. Why is he by our table?

I can hear you, by the way.

Can you hear me now?

Bye.

Uh, anyways, uh, just take my card in case you change your mind?

God, you are so lucky you have us to guide you.

What are you doing after school today?

I want to give you some shoes.

What kind of shoes?

I have no idea. I guess, um, something fancier than these?

She's so rude!

I mean, maybe she's just being generous.

Maybe we can have a commensal relationship.

What is that? I want one.

So, in nature, okay, so lions,

they're the apex predators, right?

They're the top of the food chain.

They can kill anything they want.

But if you're a hyena, well,

then you follow them around and you eat the carcasses that they leave behind.

Whoa. Gretchen Wieners is a hyena.

Got it.

No, I did not say that.

I'm just saying, if you're on Regina's good side...

Whoa, Caddy! No, no, no.

Regina George does not have a good side, okay?

If you go over to her house today...

I am not joking,

be careful.

Jason is crotch-sitting Taylor Wedell.

Absolutely not.

Do you think she'll be mad if I like Aaron?

Samuels? Are you unwell? You can't like Aaron Samuels!

Okay, okay!

I'll be careful. I promise.

Get in, loser.

You guys! Hey...

Happy hump day, besties!

Hi, Mrs. George.

This is Cady.

I just moved here. From Kenya.

Welcome, Cady from Kenya.

We haven't had any new meat in our little lady taco in so long.

Mom, go make snacks.

For sure. For sure, Regina, yeah.

Thank you so much, Mrs. George.

You have a beautiful mansion.

Just slay, queens. Slay like no one's watching.

But everybody's watching. Because you're gorgeous!

Wow, your room is really nice.

Thanks. It used to be my parents', but I made them trade me.

Cady! I made you a Spotify playlist

to help you catch up on culture.

Karen, come here. I want to fix your eyebrows.

Can I still have two?

Gretchen, move. Sorry.

God, my hips are so wide.

God, my pores are huge!

I want skin like Cady's.

My B.O. smells like crayons.

Um, me, too! I'm ugly, too.

Oh, my God, I love her. She's like a Martian.

Who's hungry?

Now, Cady,

this is a very American snack called guac.

Is it okay or are you vegan?

Oh, no, I'm an omnivore.

Yum-yum-yum. Okay, come here!

I need you to tell me everything.

Have you seen any boys that you think are cute yet?

Oh. Uh, well, I...

No.

Well, don't worry. It's just a matter of time.

You know, I always say that this school district has the highest taxes,

but the hottest boys. That's disgusting.

Oh, Regina! You're never gonna believe what I found

in your closet this morning.

Why were you in my closet?

Because I'm doing that Japanese organizing thing

where you take a little nap in the closet.

I found your Burn Book!

Cady, this is just, like, the funniest thing

that the girls used to do.

Please leave. You got it, baby.

But, girls, I'm gonna be right downstairs

if you need to talk to me about anything.

I mean it. Deep stuff or boy troubles or blackheads

or alcohol poisoning.

You know, I have been through it all.

Honey, I am not a regular mom.

I'm @coolmom with six O's.

Hashtag AgingHotly. Hashtag...

Get out. Okay.

Girls, just have so much fun.

Remember, these are the best days of your life.

It does not get better.

I remember this. It was the week they took all of our phones away.

"Trang Pham is a grotsky little byotch."

Still true.

"Dawn Schweitzer is a horny shrimp."

Well, she's taller now.

Oh, my God. "Janis 'Imi'ike, Pyro-Lez."

I forgot about that.

Oh, my God, she is so weird.

She is? She's in my homeroom.

Oh, well, watch out, 'cause she's violent.

Yeah, people think she's really good at art,

but it's just 'cause she had to do art therapy.

Yeah, Regina tried to be friends with her in middle school.

Oh, my God, she was obsessed with me.

And then when I got my first boyfriend, Kyle,

she lit my backpack on fire.

Who's that?

Mmm... That's that kid Damian.

Oh, yeah, he's almost too gay to function.

No, I didn't... I didn't mean that in a bad way.

No, that's funny. Put that in there.

Um...

No, I don't... Oh! No, no.

Don't worry, Cady, we only write stuff about randos in here.

Friends are, like, very deserving of respect.

Gretchen... she gets it.

Go find the shoes.

The shoes we're giving to Cady.

Oh, my God, you are literally being so annoying.

Sorry.

Are you okay?

No... uh, totally.

Regina's just joking.

These are cute. Try 'em.

Once I processed that Regina's love language is anger,

it's been much...

Aw.

It's the music box I gave Regina that my abuelito gave me.

Gretchen!

What are you doing in there?

I'm... I'm gonna go.

Yep. Be right there!

They have this book, this "Burn Book,"

where they write mean things about girls in our grade.

Ooh, ooh! What does it say about me?

Um... you're not in it.

Those bitches!

What is this, by the way? It's terrible.

Oh, it's a Kälteen bar.

Here, my mom used to give them to elderly people in Kapedo

to help them gain weight. Mmm.

I can feel it working.

We should, like, crush this up and put it in Regina's food!

What? Oh.

No. No, no.

I will keep having lunch with them, that's it.

Also, we feel bad we yelled at you

about liking Aaron.

You should go for what you want.

Hetero allyship. Oh, okay.

It's so dumb. I only ever see him in Calc anyway.

Oh. You're definitely safe in Calc.

Regina will never set foot in there.

New shoes? Uh, yeah.

Regina gave them to me.

Huh. I didn't know you guys were friends.

Okay, let's get back into it.

Continuity. Removable discont...

Cady? Eyes up front, please.

Let's get back into where we were Thursday.

Who was awake Thursday? Who was still awake?

I like your jacket.

Thanks, I made it.

But why do you sew on top of your drawings?

It's... like the drawings are facts

and the threads are feelings.

It's so cool.

So, you talk to your man yet?

I mean, I don't even know what to say to him.

I always come off sounding like a lunatic.

Do you like gum? Sure.

Oh, I don't have any. I was just...

Oh.

What? Why did you say that?

Maybe just try to have one successful interaction per day?

I like your shirt. Thanks.

It smells like sausage from the last time I wore it.

Dear God, woman.

Have you successfully been a functioning human being even once?

On October 3rd, he asked me what day it was.

What day is it? It's October 3rd.

♪ October 3rd ♪

That was two weeks ago.

But today I kind of...

I don't know, I tried something

and it just came to me instinctively.

I said I was lost.

I'm totally lost. Can you help me?

But I wasn't lost.

I knew exactly what Ms. Norbury was talking about.

It's the derivative of the natural log function.

You just take the reciprocal of the ln.

Thanks.

You're so smart.

He was wrong.

Wait, wait. Hold up.

Guys, pause! Oh.

You pretended to be dumb

so you could keep talking to a guy?

Uh... Yeah. It worked.

'Cause that shit always works, Caddy.

It doesn't mean that it's not evil.

Fracking "works." Red-lining "works."

Gasoline and rags...

Aren't you worried Regina will eat your face if she finds out?

No, she won't find out.

It's just my little Calculus class secret.

Oh, um...

So its h prime of x equals five.

You just forgot the Product Rule.

I don't get any of this.

Nice job, Cady.

It sure seems like you get it.

Hey, my friend Chris is, uh, having a Halloween party.

Would you want to come to that?

It's like a costume party. People get pretty into it.

Grool.

I meant to say "great," and then I started to say "cool."

Okay.

Grool.

Hi.

Wait, let me start over.

Hi.

Wait. Mama, use the back camera.

It's prettier 'cause science.

I give you sexy corn.

Why are you dressed so scary?

It's Halloween.

Cady, if you don't dress slutty,

that is slut-shaming us.

Um, it's just, like, traditionally,

girls had to be witches or clowns

and we've worked really hard to progress past that.

That makes sense.

I'm gonna go find Aaron.

Okay.

That's not right, is it? No.

I can sexy cure some cancer?

No.

I can cure sex cancer!

Sex cancer doesn't exist.

I did it.

Dance break.

I'm a sexy mouse. Duh!

Hey. Hi.

Cady!

Hi!

Ow. Hey.

I like your costume.

Different from everyone else's.

I didn't know I was supposed to...

I'm such a weird foreign loser.

No. It's great.

You want a drink?

Thanks. Uh, do they have juice?

I can check. Wait here.

I think you and Aaron would be a really cute couple.

Really? Yeah.

I just said so. Don't be thirsty.

You know, I could talk to him for you. If you want.

See if he likes you back.

You would do that for me? Mm-hmm.

Trust me. I know exactly how to play it.

I need to talk to you. Me?

I thought you were done talking to me

when you started talking to Shane last summer.

Shut up. 'Cause you know that homeschooled girl, Cady?

Yeah, I invited her tonight.

Yeah, well, be careful.

'Cause she has a huge crush on you.

Really?

Don't be gross.

She's my friend and...

...she's, like, really inexperienced and, um...

Wow, sorry.

I didn't think this would be so hard for me.

What?

I don't know, I guess I just...

just have, like, a lot of, like, unresolved trauma

from how things ended with us.

Give me a break.

Regina.

Regina. Leave me alone.

G, why are you upset?

Please.

What do you mean, please? G!

She took him back. She took Aaron back.

Of course she did.

It's because Regina's a life ruiner!

When we were in sixth grade, she told everybody

that Janis was... Damian!

Okay. She does not need to hear that right now.

No, I know the story.

You lit a fire 'cause Regina got a boyfriend.

She said what?

Oh, hell no.

Damian... No! The truth will be told.

Stay with me, Cady.

Like all history, this is emotionally layered and culturally dense.

Janis and Regina were best friends in middle school.

And at that time, females expressed their identities through collectible plushies.

I don't know what those...

It's these bastards. And they were everywhere.

Regina gave Janis a BFF set for her birthday.

Janis put a rainbow patch on hers.

This is how she came out to her friend.

And Regina put one on hers, too,

out of allyship because she used to be human.

Cut to eight months later, Regina becomes obsessed with this gross boy. Kyle!

Your scale is completely off. Hush!

One night, they were all playing spin the bottle...

And Regina was worried that Kyle liked Karen more.

So when she spun and got Janis,

Regina put on a little show.

And Kyle was like "boing"!

And Regina was like...

..."I knew she would let me!

She's, like, obsessed with me!"

Not okay.

Please put this all back in its box.

They got into a huge fight.

Regina started avoiding Janis at school,

but did she give back that plush animal?

Oh, no. She took it everywhere.

She named her "Sissy Liz" and she made everyone say

"good morning" to it every day,

and it was very weird and boring.

Fast forward.

One day in Science,

Regina was making everyone say hi to Sissy Liz.

And Janis finally heard it.

"Sissy Liz" was short for "Obsessed Lesbian."

Regina had been making fun of Janis this entire time

and everyone but her knew it.

So, and this is regrettable...

Janis took her Bunsen burner...

and torched the doll.

And Regina's backpack caught on fire a little bit

and Janis was kicked out of school for the remainder of the year.

And the adults didn't know why.

Janis just seemed crazy.

I'm really sorry that happened.

It's worse than my thing.

Caddy, don't be sorry.

Now you know Regina George is not your friend.

We are your friends.

And we're gonna make her pay.

Caddy, in order for this to work,

you need to act like a huge phony.

Can you do it?

I... I think so.

Practice.

Regina wanted me to tell you that she tried to talk to Aaron,

but he just wanted her back, and that's not Regina's fault.

Of course. Oh, my gosh.

Love ya. See you at lunch.

Perfect! On to phase two.

I end up with Aaron when she's gone.

Yes, bitch.

I think I need a tutor.

I could tutor you, if you want.

What is that?

Ugh, I'm so fat and disgusting.

I'm not having anything

but Kälteen bars until I lose weight.

Well, I need to lose three pounds.

How many calories from fat?

Zero.

You cross-multiply x over a thousand

and divide it by 0.5 because it's in kilograms.

Whatever. Bring me a whole box.

No, um, bring me two.

Six weeks and all we've done is make Regina hotter and revive the wet look.

We have to pivot.

If we can make Gretchen Wieners think that Regina is mad at her...

No, no, no. Gretchen is fragile.

Exactly!

If we crack her open, maybe she'll spill something we can use.

♪ Party ♪

Hey, girl, you sending any candy canes this year?

Oh. I don't send them. I just get them.

Um, stop pulling it down.

Your hair looks so sexy pushed back.

Cady, would you please tell him

that his hair looks sexy pushed back?

Your hair looks sexy pushed back.

Oh...

Thanks.

I'll, uh, see you in Calc.

One candy cane, please!

Ho, ho, ho!

Candy Cane Gram for Shane Oman!

And one for Cady Heron.

Four for Glenn Cocco?

You go, Glenn Cocco!

And... none for Gretchen Wieners, bye.

Who sent that?

Oh, it's from...

"Thanks for being such a great best friend."

Aw.

Oh.

Okay.

If you and Regina are "best friends" now,

then you can be in charge of keeping all her secrets, okay?

For example, she gave you those high-heel shoes just to make fun of you

because she knew you wouldn't be able to walk in them. Sorry!

Also, she says she has a nose job,

but that's just to distract from the fact

that she had one of her ears moved!

Also, she totally cheats on Aaron.

Yeah. Every Tuesday, she says she has College Prep,

but really she's hooking up with Shane Oman

in the third-floor janitorial closet

on the bags of sawdust that they use for barf!

And I never told anyone

because I'm such a good friend!

And I'm only telling you because you're such a good friend.

Hey, do you have time to go over derivatives for a minute?

Oh, um... no, not today.

Cady?

Um...

You've failed your last five quizzes. Is everything okay?

I'm... I'm sorry. I'll just try harder.

Okay, because if you need extra help,

there's a Mathletes meeting starting in a couple minutes.

I can't. I'm sorry. I have to go to my friend Regina's house.

We're doing a dance in the talent show.

"Rockin' Around the Pole"? Yeah, how did you know?

They do it every year. It's like a...

Tradition? Recurring nightmare.

Okay, I could probably get Kevin to tutor you.

Well, Aaron's tutoring me now, so...

Oh, he's tutoring you? Sure, okay, well,

let Aaron know that the weird thing with your quizzes

is that all the work is right and only the answers are wrong.

Huh. Huh.

Cady, I am not gonna stop pushing you, because I'm a pusher.

And I know you're smarter than this.

Maybe I should just push your seat away from Aaron's.

Ugh! And she was like, "I'm a pusher, Cady. I'm a pusher."

Wait, what does she even mean, she's a "pusher"?

Like a drug pusher? I don't know. She's so weird.

Let it all out, honey. Put it in the book.

Look at this thing!

I can't even see it. It's sexy, like a face breast.

It happens to me, too. It's just the Kälteen bars flushing your toxins.

Huh. Okay.

Well, this skin stuff you gave me sucks!

Where did you get it?

The Paris airport.

Oh, "the Paris airport."

Well, it's garbage. And so are you.

She's just grouchy because Aaron broke up with her.

He did?

Someone told him about Shane.

Do you think it was Santa?

Oh...

Also, all that she's been eating are those Kälteen bars,

and I don't think she's pooped in, like, two weeks.

Uh...

Hey, G, we've practiced a bunch with Cady.

You want to run it once?

Why? I'm perfect every year.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, but it's, uh, Cady's first time

and there's a bunch of traffic patterns...

Stop playing with that stupid babyish book!

Uh, that was Damian Hubbard singing...

...the iCarly theme song

in French for extra credit.

Yeah!

Our next act describes their music

as "Like a sine wave, they don't stop."

Please welcome Kevin G and the Power of Three.

Uh. Yeah.

Inappropriate.

Kevin, we talked about this.

Well, happy holidays, everybody.

Why is this so tight?

You've had it since the sixth grade.

You're probably maturing.

Um, do you just, like, want to run it one time real quick?

Gretchen, literally no one cares.

Mm-hmm. No, totally.

Um, do you just want to run the acro?

Because none of us really does gymnastics anymore

and when we made up this dance, we all weighed, like, 70 pounds,

so maybe we should just make sure everyone's center of gravity is still...

Still what?

Nothing.

Thank you, Shelby and Timmy, for tapping.

Also, if anyone finds a retainer

in a bright aqua case, that is mine.

Please return it.

My insurance won't cover a replacement.

Karen, I can see your bra.

It's on purpose. I'm going for a look.

Is it "girl who slept with 11 people"?

'Cause you're nailing it.

I think your top is fetch. Gretchen!

Stop trying to make "fetch" happen.

It's not going to happen.

Okay, please welcome Santa's Helpers

doing "Rockin' Around the Pole."

Thank you, next!

So, I went to the Christmas show and it was a mess, y'all.

Regina ate total shit.

I think people saw her nipple.

It's just unprofessional.

This was kind of hilarious.

I've watched

this video a thousand times. Gretchen piledrived Regina.

Regina really should be lifting through her glutes.

Regina challenge!

You know what that bitch gets?

Not my sympathy.

It's not like we like Regina anyway.

She's such a bitch. She's so spoiled.

Regina always wanted to be the center of attention.

Girl, we all see you.

Regina got what she deserves.

But you know, that Cady girl was kind of cute.

You know, she stayed, she waved.

She ate, like, house down.

Cady Heron was the only one that acted normal.

Oh, yeah. I think she salvaged

the worst tradition of the year.

Period. She was... She's kind of hot.

She might even be hotter than Regina George.

No zits. Gum health. American Eagle.

Cady doesn't even have to wear deodorant.

I'm thinking of going red.

Okay, so, somebody sent me this look, and I was like,

"Hot girls, we are going back to red!

Y2K fire-crotch is back!"

Thank you, Cady Heron.

Cady was looking good.

Caddy!

Did you hear me?

What? We did it.

Regina lost her hot boyfriend.

She lost her status over everyone.

She popped her blemish against the stage floor.

That's rock bottom.

We can stop. We're even.

Finally you don't have to talk to them anymore.

We can finally have lunch together tomorrow.

I'm getting dumplings.

Unless they have pizza bagels, then I might get both.

So good. I can't.

I need one more lunch.

I'm sorry, Regina. You can't sit with us.

What?

You're wearing sweatpants. It's Thursday.

Whatever. Those rules aren't real.

They were real that day I wore a vest.

Yeah, because that vest was disgusting!

You can't sit with us!

These sweatpants are all that fit me right now.

What do you think, Cady?

Sorry, Regina. Rules are rules.

Fine.

Oh.

Take a picture, losers. It'll last longer.

And that... ...was the beginning...

...of the... ...motherfucker!

...end.

Hello, may I have your attention

for this morning's announcements?

In honor of Women's History Month,

the cafeteria is offering vegan "Confident Joannes"

which are Sloppy Joes made of beans.

Secondly, we want to wish good luck

to junior, Janis 'Imi'ike...

...who is a finalist

in the Illinois Art Expo this Saturday.

Go, Lions! Even for Art.

Art, art, art! Next up,

the Students Activities Committee voted,

and the theme for this year's Spring Fling...

What's that lip color? Oh, it's e.l.f. O Face in...

No, amazing, yeah.

I was just making sure your ears still worked.

And finally, the nominees for Spring Fling King and Queen

are as follows:

For King, Aaron Samuels,

Christian Wiggins and Shane Oman.

And Damian Hubbard. What?

For Queen...

...Regina George...

...Karen Shetty and Gretchen Wieners.

Same old, same old. And Caddy Heron.

Wow.

Wait, my mistake.

Cady Heron.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, so many people are texting me.

Should I, um, text Aaron and congratulate him?

No.

Hey, do you want a lift this weekend?

'Cause Damian's borrowing his grandma's Jazzy.

A lift to what?

My art show. Didn't you just hear Mr. Duvall talking about it?

Oh, that's this weekend? Yeah.

Oh, shoot. I have tickets to this thing in Madison with my mom.

Uh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, you seem super sad about it.

So, what are we doing this weekend?

Why is everyone asking me about the weekend?

It's Tuesday.

Yeah, the weekend is only... several days away.

I have to go to this thing in Madison with my mom.

Your mom is going away? You should have people over.

No, I'm going with her.

Well, if you have people over, you can invite Aaron.

Huh.

Yeah, I guess I could get out of it.

But, like,

we would keep it small, right? Like five or six people?

Yes! Sure!

Why are you doing this to me?!

I promised my friend Janis I'd go to her art show!

But, binti, we've had these tickets for months.

You love Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Mom!

Janis is my best friend!

Do you not want me to be a good friend?!

No! Yes! What?

You can, uh, stay home on your own, I guess.

Hey. I'm having a small get-together

at my house tomorrow night. My mom's away, so...

Is Regina going?

No! Do you think I'm an idiot? No.

It's just gonna be a few cool people,

and you better be one of them, byotch.

Okay. I'll be there.

No, no, no!

Have you seen Aaron?

What? Aaron!

Karen?

Hi.

Whoo!

I've been looking for you.

Me as well.

I like your costume. I mean, um, your dress.

Is this you holding a crocodile?

Oh, my God, don't look at that. That is so embarrassing.

No, it's not. It's awesome.

You miss Kenya?

Yes.

No. I mean, I...

Well, I miss...

I could see a lot more sky there.

At night.

My mom and I used to map the constellations.

The stars.

You still on the treadmill, honey?

No, I'm over there.

You got any plans tonight? It's Saturday.

Mom, don't bother me.

I know you're not feeling your best about your body right now,

but remember that real beauty comes from the face.

Don't ever talk about my body!

Okay, okay.

Wait, honey, why are you eating Kälteen bars?

These are what we gave Nana Joan

when we needed her to gain weight.

I am drinking

not juice tonight.

I know. I can tell.

We should go downstairs.

No, no, no, sit down. I'm amazing.

I think you should wear your hair however you want.

I think it looks good both ways.

Thank you for inviting me tonight.

I think I've spent too much time being pissed at Regina.

Yeah, you really have.

No more liars. I would never lie to you.

I mean, I did lie to you once.

But you are totally gonna laugh when I tell you.

Tell me what?

We're in here!

I pretended to be bad at math

to get you to help me, but I'm not bad at math.

I'm actually... I'm actually really good at math.

You're the one who's only kind of okay at math.

Anyways, um, now I'm failing.

So isn't that so dumb? That is dumb, yeah.

Why wouldn't you just talk to me?

Because of Regina. 'Cause you were her property.

Her property? Shut up. Not her property.

Don't tell me to shut up.

What? Aaron, sit down.

You are a clone of Regina.

No. No, no, no!

What are you thinking about?

Chicken wings later.

Do you ever think about me?

Sometimes. When I'm looking right at you.

Cady, Cady, Cady! No, no, no.

Aaron!

Aaron, wait!

You dirty little liar.

I... I can explain.

Explain how you're supposed to be out of town

but there are 60 different people

posting pictures from your party?

You know I couldn't invite you.

I... I have to act like I don't know you.

You are full of lies!

Janis, I cannot stop this Jazzy.

You know I have a curfew!

You would hate this party.

Why? Aren't you having an amazing time

with your amazing friends?

Janis, I can't spend every minute with you.

It's not my fault you're like obsessed with me or something!

What? Oh, no, she didn't.

See, this is the problem with you Plastics.

You think everyone is obsessed with you

when actually everybody hates you.

You made me like this.

It was your idea for me to pretend to be Plastic!

Buddy, it's not pretend!

Here.

Have this. It won an award. Janis.

And I want my pink shirt.

I'm just so upset, Mr. Duvall.

We found it in the hallway.

I mean, the things it says about me?

The things it says about all of us?

"Rachel Hamilton fills her inhaler with vodka"?

I mean... does that work?

"Ms. Norbury is a sad, old drug pusher"?

"Haley Fralenger has" ...what?

What's this? Hairy nips.

Good Lord.

Don't you worry. We're gonna find out who did this.

There's only three girls in the whole school who aren't in it.

"Damian Hubbard is too gay to function"?

That is only okay when I say it.

Only Cady could have written that.

Oh, hell no!

I did not go to graduate school for this.

All junior girls report to the gymnasium immediately!

Immediately!

Never in my 31 years as an educator

have I seen such behavior.

I have half a mind to cancel your Spring Fling dance!

No! I object.

But we're not gonna do that

because we've already paid the DJ.

But I am taking this "Burn Book" seriously.

Now who has something to say about this?

Someone wrote in that book

that I'm lying about being a virgin

because I use super-jumbo tampons.

But I can't help it if I have a heavy flow

and a wideset vagina.

Okay. Thank you. Hold that thought.

Sharon, you need to run this. Oh, come on.

I need to be able to tell parents

that we fixed this, and honestly,

you need to prove whoever called you

a drug pusher was just joking.

Okay, fine, but you are walking the dogs

every morning for the rest of the week.

Thank you. I love you.

I love you, too.

♪ Well ♪

Excuse me.

Well, okay, hotshots,

who wrote all this junk?

Cady?

Any ideas?

No.

Interesting.

Um, can I just say,

I don't think we have a clique problem at this school?

And some of us shouldn't have to participate

in whatever this is,

um, just because of a few bad people.

"A few bad people." Mm-hmm.

Okay. Well, let's unpack that.

I want everybody to close your eyes.

And I want you to raise your hand

if you have ever had a girl say something bad

about you behind your back.

Open your eyes.

Now close them again.

This time I want you to raise your hand

if you have ever said something bad

about a friend behind her back.

Open your eyes.

Hmm.

Seems like maybe we could take a break

from being victims in this situation

and start taking responsibility

for our own actions.

Okay, we're gonna write out some apologies

to people that we've hurt in our lives.

Everybody up.

I'm gonna kill you.

'Cause one thing I know for sure, guys:

Calling someone "ugly" is not gonna make you better looking.

Calling somebody else "stupid" does not make you any smarter.

And we as women have to be able to trust

and support each other.

Like this.

Okay, that was good. That was really good.

That could have really backfired.

Alyssa,

I'm sorry I said you look like you comb your hair

with a chicken bone.

I know you're vegetarian.

Gretchen, I'm sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea

on the Ferris wheel.

And I'm sorry for repeating it now.

And I'm sorry to the people who were below us.

Soona,

I'm sorry I said you were dragging

during "Revenge Party."

There was just, like, so much pressure on us

to move the story forward through montage.

Like, you know how it is.

What is going on?

Don't worry about it.

I just wish we could all get along

like we used to in elementary school.

I wish I could bake a cake

made out of rainbows and smiles.

Then we could all eat it and be happy.

She don't even go here!

Do you go to this school?

I'm here for a track meet.

I just have a lot of feelings!

Okay, sweetheart, you got to go home.

Okay.

Come on, we're gonna... Oh, thank you.

...we're gonna call your grown-up.

My turn, I guess.

Watch, this is either gonna be some really crappy art

or really good fire.

Okay, sure.

I have an apology.

My friend and I thought it would be fun

to mess up Regina George's life.

So we got these candy-bar things

to make her gain weight...

...and we told her lard was face cream.

And we turned her best friends against her.

And then my friend Cady...

Yeah, you all know my friend Cady.

She got Regina's boyfriend to dump her!

Oh!

And it turns out,

Cady's actually just as selfish

and phony as Regina George.

So this apology is to myself.

Because I should've known better.

Walk away, turd.

Regina, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you!

You are a lowlife version of me...

And that's how Regina George died.

Again, no one died!

I mean, technically, Regina did die for, like, 15 seconds

but then she was revived.

And of course, the rumor mill started going insane.

I just saw Regina get hit by a bus.

An artery come out of her neck and her head went all the way around!

Guys, street safety is so important.

I'm just sad, like, that's all I can say.

We are sending our love and prayers...

Link in bio to my GoFundMe page to raise money.

Regina, we knew you would pull through.

How do I get this off my algorithm?

I'm not one to spread rumors,

but I'm pretty sure I saw Cady push her right in front of it.

On my life, Cady pushed her.

I literally saw Cady push Regina.

Don't fill up my comments, but... karma.

Girls are made deranged by what's called hormones.

Hormones.

W-H-O-R...

F that bitch. F that wench.

All right.

Ms. Norbury is on a, uh, temporary leave of absence.

Jail. Hey.

I heard that, Miss Rockwell.

Anyways, we're not sure who your substitute...

I did it.

I wrote that Ms. Norbury is a drug pusher, and it's a lie.

Three-week suspension.

This is not who I know you to be.

I know.

Where is my Ndebele vase?

What? What do you mean, what?

You know, the colorful vase that's always in that window.

Where is it?

I had some friends over when you were away.

Go.

Go do your homework!

Um, also...

I need you to sign my Calculus test,

'cause I'm failing.

Hey.

I guess you'll need this back to set an alarm for tomorrow.

Don't want it.

You only have one message.

From someone named Karen, who says:

"Donut worry. I am still your freend."

How bad is it gonna be tomorrow?

I was thinking maybe I should go back

to being homeschooled.

Sweetie, no.

It's too small, me and you.

And I think you're learning things now

that I don't know how to teach.

Good night.

Mom? Hmm?

Can you sit with me till I fall asleep?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, sweetie.

Oh, hi. Did you want to buy some drugs?

No, I was just handing my quiz back.

You know, when the police tore apart my house

looking for imaginary heroin,

I found this old calculator that I thought I lost, so...

totally worth it.

I'm really sorry.

Thank you.

But I know you didn't write that whole book yourself.

You gonna tell Mr. Duvall who did?

No.

Trying this new thing where I don't talk

about people behind their backs.

Getting hit by a bus seems like enough punishment.

100. Welcome back, nerd.

Will you be attending the Spring Fling this weekend?

No. Everyone hates me.

Perfect, because I figured out a way for you

to earn some extra credit.

Hey, Bird, you ready to suit up

and show off your math schquills?

Kev, stop trying to make "schquills" happen. It's not gonna happen.

Jacob, get off my dick. Hey! PG-13, please.

Welcome to the ICMT State Math Championships.

Sponsored by SeatGeek.

Yeah, SeatGeek!

Tonight will be the culmination

of all you've worked for.

Each right answer will be worth two points.

The highest score at the end of 40 minutes of play wins.

As always, no calculators.

Question one. Two, three, four!

Determine the equation of the tangent line to the graph.

The answer is B. Correct.

Solve the equation above using prime numbers.

Prime factor 41.

Correct.

Please solve for x.

x = 2? Incorrect.

x is greater than the value of y.

Correct.

Negative two!

Correct.

Function [x] = mx + c. Correct.

Both polynomials are second degree,

so the asymptote is at y = 5.

Excellent.

Negative four?

True.

29?

The slope is zero.

Incorrect.

The slope of the tangent line is four.

Excellent.

Well, this has only ever happened once before.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie.

In the event of a tie,

we move into a one-on-one sudden-death round

where each team may choose their opponent.

We pick the girl.

We pick the girl, too.

Ms. Krafft, Ms. Heron, please step forward.

Nice to meet you. Whatever, slut.

Contestants, please find the limit of this expression.

You know, it's not me against you.

It's North Shore versus Marymount.

A very wise teacher...

The limit is negative one.

That answer is incorrect.

If Ms. Heron can answer correctly, we have a winner.

You got this, Golf Bird.

Why can't I remember anything about limits?

Honey, I don't know your life.

Why did you waste time insulting me?

Why did I waste time judging your hair?

This is not a competition.

It kind of is, though.

Right.

A math one.

The limit does not exist.

Our new state champions, the North Shore Mathletes.

Yeah, you like that, Marymount?

Get some! Get some!

Don't hold me back! Don't hold me back!

Have you seen Jason?

Like right now or like ever in life?

Ohhh, miss!

I'm supposed to hang with my fallback in there

but, you know, if you wanted to slip out,

meet in my Jeep or... Jason!

It's me!

"Fallback"?

No, I... I know. Yeah, I knew the whole time.

No, we are done!

Because you know what?

I have a 140 IQ, very toned legs,

and my parents love me!

And you will regret this when you're old

because I am fricking fetch!

That's how you use it. Come on.

Okay, attention, everybody.

Whoo-hoo-hoo, let's go!

Regina!

You look pretty.

I'm wearing a corrective neck collar.

I'm sorry about the bus. I feel like it's all my fault.

No... No, it's not your fault.

Cady, don't apologize for things that aren't your fault.

But, yeah, I forgive you, 'cause...

I'm on a lot of pain medication right now.

You know I died for 15 seconds?

Yeah.

Anyway, my mom was really pumped to be on the news.

It's weird when people treat you

like you're famous or something.

It's amazing.

Until it's not.

Look, I... I know I have to change.

And I was harsh.

And people say that I'm a bitch.

You know what they would call me if I was a boy?

Strong. "Reginald."

That's what my mom was gonna name me if I was a boy, so...

Honestly, I would rather be "bitch."

I like you.

But this medicine makes me like everyone, so...

Okay, do we have all of our nominees

for the Spring Fling King and Queen onstage?

I just want to say you're all winners.

And I am retiring as soon as this evening is over.

The winner of the Spring Fling King is...

Shane Oman.

Whoo! Yeah!

Hey.

Um, have you seen Janis?

Every day since 2009.

But she doesn't want to see you.

And your Spring Fling Queen...

Damian, I'm... I'm really sorry.

Cady Heron.

What? I mean, of course she is.

Go, Cady!

Where is Cady?

Congratulations.

Um...

I think people voted for me

because they think I pushed someone

in front of a bus.

It's not your fault. A bus pushed me.

But what is my fault is

the way I treated my friends.

I used you and I lied to you and I'm... I'm so sorry.

I'm also sorry to everyone

whose feelings got hurt from the Burn Book.

You know, it's really not required

for you to make a speech.

Right. Almost done, I promise. Um...

I think everyone looks like royalty tonight.

It just seems weird for one person to win this.

I mean, it's just a chunk of plastic.

We could just share it.

Here... Take it.

All right, have a good time, everyone.

No vaping.

Rachel Hamilton!

Give me that inhaler.

Are you still mad at me?

I don't know. Are you still an asshole?

I don't think so?

Cute.

She sounds good.

But she does not go here, y'all.

Would you look over there? Oh, my gosh!

Do you want to dance? Yeah.

Congrats on winning state. The jacket looks, uh, really good on you.

Thanks. It has a pocket inside for a calculator.

What? Yeah.

Grool.

Grool.

And that was the first time in history

that Spring Fling was actually fun.

Ms. Norbury and Mr. Duvall got wasted. JK, JK.

Karen discovered the safe joy

of dancing with theater boys.

And Plastics and Jocks partied with math nerds.

Janis danced to a pop song

and didn't burst into flames.

Ow. Ow. Ow!

And everyone else just kind of floated.

So the moral of our story is thus:

Calling someone stupid won't make you any smarter.

And even the people you really don't like

are still people who just want to coexist.

So get off their dicks!

I'm a sexy mouse. Duh!

You're next.

You could be really hot if you change, like,

everything.