Original subtitles

- Hey!

Hey! How was the game?

- Oh, it was good, yeah. Knicks finally won.

The twins loved it.

Oh, and their new buddy chris there--

He's my new favorite of their friends, yeah.

Hello, chris. Good-bye, spencer.

- That's great. So where are the boys?

- Oh, they're gonna hitchhike home from the strip club.

No, they took chris next door. They're shootin' hoops.

- Who is this chris? Have I met him?

- Oh, he's adorable. His dad works at the school.

- Oh, yeah? What subject does he teach?

- He's not a teacher. Actually, he's the custodian.

- Oh, really? I didn't know that.

Ah, that's funny.

- Why?

- No, no, 'cause, uh...

We were eating peanuts, and I looked down,

And little chris had all the shells on his lap,

And I said, "hey, chris, you can throw those on the floor.

That's what they pay the janitor for."

- Oh, my god!

Raymond, how could you?

- What?

- Oh, my god, ray, what are you thinking?

That poor boy must be devastated.

- No, no! Wait a minute!

Wait a minute. Everybody calm down.

I didn't devastate anybody.

It was totally fine. It was a joke.

The kid laughed, he--he threw his shells on the floor,

And then we watched the game,

And we all lived happily ever after.

- Raymond, you're a lovely boy.

But this is why sometimes when you talk,

My heart goes into my throat.

- I agree 100%, ma,

Except for the "lovely boy" part.

- I tried to teach you.

I mean, you should know that words can hurt people.

- That's right, raymond!

- No one's talking to you, robert.

You're such a busybody.

- I'm telling you the kid was fine.

Mom's out of her mind.

- Yeah, well be that as it may, you've done it again.

My heart goes out to the boy.

- Will you stop it?

I was just being funny.

- I beg to differ.

You say things that nobody likes.

Just like that time with your parents?

- When? What are you talking about?

- Well, remember how you saw the little jesus figurine

On their dashboard?

And you said to them,

"I guess this must be a hard car to make out in?"

- Well, I mean...

The guy's looking right at you.

- Ray, it can't always be the other person's fault

When they don't get you.

- This thing with the kid was funny!

I'm telling you, he laughed.

- Yeah, yeah.

You see, if he laughed,

It was the uneasy chuckle of a terrified young child

Having to spend the afternoon

With a very mean and unfunny man.

- I bet when you make out in the car,

The jesus weeps.

- Hi, kids! Hey, chris! Hi!

Chris, I want you to meet the boys' uncle robert

And aunt amy.

hi, chris.

how ya doin', buddy?

- Good.

- Let's go upstairs, you guys! - Yeah!

You guys go have fun.

I mean--I mean go have more fun,

'cause we had a lot of fun today, didn't we, guys?

- Obviously traumatized.

- Oh! Stop it, huh? Look at him.

- Oh, how soon you forget your own past, raymond.

How about all the time

We had to laugh at dad's horrible puberty jokes?

- He had to make jokes.

You went through puberty at six.

- You stole that line from dad!

Come on, amy, we're getting the paper

And moving far, far away from jackass lane!

- I'll still visit.

- What?

Don't look at me.

Think I did something wrong,

And they got to bring jesus into it, right?

Hey.

- Hi, I'm chris' dad, george buckner.

- Oh! Oh, hey, I'm ray. I'm ray. How you doing?

- Hi, hi, hi! Hi!

Come on in.

- I know I'm a little early,

But I figured you probably had enough of him.

- Oh, never! He was a pleasure.

In fact, we'll keep him.

- Okay, but no givesies-backsies.

Hey, how was the game?

- Oh, they had a blast, yeah.

- Yeah, it was a real treat for chris.

This was his first knick game. - Yeah, good.

- Ray, why don't you go up and tell chris his dad is here?

Can I get you something?

- No, I'll get him something to drink.

You can go upstairs, yeah.

Yeah, go ahead. It's okay.

I can do things.

Yeah. Come on. Come on in.

- Hey, can I give you something for today?

- Oh, no, no, no. I get the tickets for free.

- Oh, it's okay, but I've been to the movies with him,

He can eat 40 bucks' worth of candy.

- No, well, consider his stomachache my gift.

- That's funny.

- Yeah. Yeah, funny, right?

Yeah, yeah.

You know what else is funny?

- No. - Yeah.

You know, uh, uh...

At one point, chris started eating peanuts,

And I looked down, and he's not throwing the shells away.

He's got all of them on his lap.

So I just say to him,

"hey, chris, you can throw those on the floor.

That's what they pay the janitor for."

yeah, yeah.

And then he laughed. Oh, he kind of laughed hard.

Yeah, and then he took his shells--

Took his shells, and he put them on the floor real gently.

So I guess you got him trained really good at home.

Uh, it was just kind of a...

A--a simple remark, you know,

A "hey, throw your nuts on the floor! Ha-ha!" remark.

Yeah...Yeah.

It was funny. It was funny.

He's funny--chris.

You know, he's my favorite friend of the kids'.

- Okay. - Yeah.

You know what else is funny?

I didn't know--I didn't know that that was your...

That--that--that's your...

Craft.

- Hi, dad. - Hey, buddy. Let's go.

- Listen, chris. It was great having you.

We'll have to do it again sometime.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- Ah, that's a polite kid. Yeah, yeah.

Anytime, chris.

Take it easy.

Yeah, and it was nice meeting you...

Mister!

Huh?

I'll see you, chris!

You're my new favorite friend of the kids'!

Next time before I take a kid to a game,

Would it kill you to tell me

What his father does for a living?

- What did you do?

- Either I'm not tellin' that chris story perfectly,

Or...Or his father's a little sensitive.

- You told him what you said?

Why the hell would you do that?

- To show--to show you that it's just a funny story

And that anybody would be fine with it.

- And is he fine with it?

- Not always right!

- God, ray, I was worried that chris would tell him.

I never thought that you would go and commit hari-kari!

- Well, I didn't mean anything by it.

He's sensitive. You'd think a janitor would be tougher.

- Stop! Stop! Stop!

Stop saying that!

Listen, you have to realize you said a horrible thing,

And you are not a funny person!

- I know!

- Good! Good!

When you take the kids to school tomorrow,

You'll go down to that furnace room

And apologize to chris' dad.

- All right.

- jeez.

Hi!

- I think chris left his retainer here.

- Oh, you know, I'm sure it's upstairs.

Go on up, chris.

Come on in. Come. Come in.

Can I--can I get you something?

Maybe, uh, some ginger ale

Or pretzels?

- No, thanks.

- Listen...

I hope you didn't get upset or...

Or...Or angry

About the thing I said before

About the thing I said... At the game.

- Let's just forget it.

- 'cause he would never say anything

To hurt yours or chris' or anybody's feelings.

- Hey, I'm doing it!

- It's okay.

- No, it's not okay. It's not.

Come here. Come here.

Just--please, just sit down for one minute.

One minute, please. No, go ahead.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Just--just sit down, please.

Please, please, please, please.

You know...

You know what happened?

I--I wasn't thinkin'.

So--so I'm sorry that I was a little insensitive.

I think maybe I said what I said

Because I'm not, you know, a janitor.

- Well, actually, now that you mention it,

We prefer the term "custodian."

- Custodian! Right.

Custodian! I meant custodian.

- I always say custodian.

- I've said custodian!

- It--it's okay, really. I--I'd better get going.

- No, no, no, no!

Now I feel like you feel like you have to go.

But please. I'm not like that.

- I know. - No, no. Please, wait. Wait.

- Ray, let him go! I'm sorry, george.

- Hey, don't apologize for me!

- Hey, can I use your phone to call real estate agents?

- Yeah, yeah, sure.

- Every time I try to call one from over there,

I hear mom breathing on the upstairs line.

- Hey, robert, robert!

You remember the twins' wonderful friend chris?

Well, this is his wonderful dad, george.

- Oh. - George.

- I think chris is wonderful.

A splendid lad.

- This is my brother, robert.

Yeah. He's a cop.

He's a cop, just a regular cop.

Workin' joe.

My brother.

- Hey, you ready, chris? You got your retainer?

- Not yet. We're gonna go play on the computer.

- Yeah, but we really have to--

Great.

- Let him stay, you know?

He should stay. They're having a fantastic time.

In fact, this is better, 'cause you guys

Can just sit down and get to know each other better.

Yeah, yeah. Just sit. Sit. Sit. Sit.

Sit! Sit!

Sit!

Sit...Down! Down!

- What are you doing?

- No, they have a lot in common, these guys.

- We do? - Sure! Sure.

I just think it's so interesting, you know?

One of you keeps the schools clean,

And one of you keeps the streets clean.

You know?

Metaphorically.

But the main thing is...

Should one of you start to slack off...

Wow!

There's a mess!

- Ray, what are you doing?

- I'm talkin' to the backbone of america.

- You have to stop!

George, ray is sorry for his faux pas,

And I'm sorry for all of this.

- "faux pas! Faux pas!"

Oh, you're so much better than me, right?

- This is not about me!

- I know, so stay out of it!

I don't go apologizing for you

When you do one of your faux pas!

- You know what? You know what?

Next time I make a faux pas like you,

Please say something!

- I will. I will.

- Chris!

Go get your retainer. You got to stop taking it out!

- Robert, put that phone down.

Oh, hello.

- Marie, this is our friend george,

Chris' dad.

This is ray's mom, marie.

- Hi.

- Wait. You're the janitor?

- Custodian. Custodian.

- Oh... Cause I thought--

- Marie, what's the story with the cannelloni?

- It's ready. Let's go.

- Who's this?

- This is chris' dad, george.

- The janitor?

Marie, you said he was black!

- No, I didn't!

- What are you talking about? You said--

- No, I said he was african-american!

- Okay, then. What are you arguing for?

- I apologize, george.

It's just, well--

I--you know, I think it's wonderful

That anyone can be a janitor now.

- George, please...

- No, it's okay. I--I really have to go.

- I want to assure you

That marie does not speak for all of us.

- She just speaks more than all of us.

Who are you to talk? You came in saying, "black"!

- Oh, my god! - Oh, jeez!

- George, listen, I--

You don't know what it's like to live with this man.

I mean, he--he's a constant embarrassment.

- I'm just waitin' for a retainer.

- What about the time you worked for the pelk accounting?

- Oh, yeah, that was funny. Yeah.

Hey, I walk into work one morning,

And there's this huge lady sitting

At one of the other guys' desk, working the phones.

So I go over to irv lebrotte, and I say,

"hey, who's that big, fat moose over there?"

He smiles at me and says,

"that's my mom."

- Oh, my god, frank, what did you say?

- Well, I was pretty quick on my feet back then,

So I said, uh, "what do you feed her?"

And I walked away.

- You're unbelievable, frank!

Whenever I take him anywhere,

I want to give out cards that say, "I'm sorry," on them.

- My cards say, "wife for sale."

Phone ain't ringin'.

- All right, will you two stop?

This is why everybody thinks that our family is crazy!

It's because of you two and raymond!

- How dare you,

Talking about our family in front of company?

I apologize for my son.

- Oh, don't apologize for me!

You came in here with the biggest faux pas ever,

Not me! - Oh, yeah?

Well, how about the time that you arrested the guy

For flashing gang signs, huh?

And you started reading him his rights,

But he just kept flashing gang signs,

Making you madder and madder.

He wasn't breakin' the law, was he, robert?

- No.

- What was he doin'?

- He was being deaf.

- Holy crap!

- Fee-fi-faux-pas!

- Oh, god...

I still remember.

I'm so, so...

Sorry.

- Yeah.

That's worse than what I did, right, george?

- No, no, ray, it is not worse,

Because at least he apologized and then left it at that.

You've gone on to make this even more humiliating

By what you're doing.

- Why? What? What am I doing?

What? George, what?

- You say that horrible thing to poor little chris,

And then you go and say the exact same thing

To the man himself!

And then you invite your whole family in,

The flying faux pas!

Who treat him to an afternoon of insults!

- All right! All right, all right.

I'm sorry. George, george.

I said something stupid, and I'm sorry.

I am. I'm very, very sorry.

- Hey, it's okay, man.

Let's--let's really just forget about it.

Please?

- Thank you, george.

Now, ray, go upstairs and help chris find his retainer

So george can get out of here.

- Okay.

- But I've been thinkin' of somethin', though...

No. No, no, no.

Because maybe, yes,

It--it seems I was a little insensitive.

But actually, that thing at the game today--

"hey, you can throw your shells on the floor.

That's what they pay the janitor for."

I was just stating a fact, right?

I mean, it's true, isn't it?

It's like this. It's like this.

I'm a sportswriter, right?

So the next time you're cleaning up something

And your kids are with you

And a sporting event goes by

And one of your kids says, "hey, I should write about that,"

Well, then you can say, "no, you don't have to.

That's what they pay the sportswriter for."

You see? It's the same thing.

Sportswriter, janitor.

Custodian.

I'm very sorry!

- Chris!

- I can't find it!

- It's all right. Your teeth are straight enough!

- I hope you're all happy.

Listen, george, george...

I want to apologize to you and your family.

And I just hope that the children can still be friends,

Because that's the most important thing,

Even if the parents can't figure out how to get along.

- You're right.

Thank you.

- Great, great.

I just want my kids to be friends with everybody.

I mean, who knows?

Tomorrow they might come home

With some boy whose dad works in the sewer.

No--I--uh...

I didn't--

I'm sorry.

- Debra!

- I found it. It was in the fish tank.

- Oh. Put it in, and let's go.

Thanks again for the ball game.

- Okay. Thank you.

- Well, we're never gonna see them again.

- No, I think he'll be back.

He forgot his keys.

- I just feel horrible.

For a custodian to see all this mess.

I think I'll straighten up.

- Hey.

Chris and his dad are outside,

And he asked me to get his keys for him.

It seemed like he didn't want to come back inside.

- I don't blame him. It was kind of a nightmare.

- Oh, yeah?

Did your mother come over and make things worse as usual?