Original subtitles

- Hey, uh, here, let me help you with these things.

This is nice,

Us working together like this.

- What's going on, ray?

- Okay, all right.

Here's the thing.

Robert and the guys,

They, uh, want to go golfing tomorrow.

And I said, "no, no way!"

Because it's-- it's the weekend,

And the weekend is for family.

- Ugh. - But then--

- Ray, ray, ray. Spare me.

If you want to play golf, go ahead.

- Really? 'cause I had a lot more prepared.

- Ray, just play golf.

You don't have to put on a big show.

I mean, it insults me when you pretend to be a good husband.

- Hey.

- Hey. - Hey.

- So, uh, raymond,

Did you talk to a certain someone

About a certain something?

You don't have to speak in code, mr. Bond.

I already said yes.

- Yeah.

- So, deb, since the guys are leaving for golf tonight,

Maybe you and I should do something.

- What? Tonight?

You said golf "tomorrow."

You sa- okay. See...Row."

We're going to play bethpage black,

Which is the most famous public course in the country--

Perhaps the world--

And the only way to get a tee time

Is to line up in your car tonight

And wait there until the morning.

And, uh... Well--

- Deb, please let him do this.

I-I-it's for me, gianni, and andy

Because, you know, we don't like ray either.

It's just, I mean... We need a fourth body.

- Yeah.

- And a van.

- Go ahead.

- Really?

- Yeah, go. Have a good time.

- Thank you!

- Hi. - Oh, hi, marie.

- Oh, I'm glad you boys are here.

My laundry room shelves were delivered,

So you can put them up tomorrow morning.

- Oh, yeah, you know, sorry, ma,

But ray and I are going golfing.

But we'll do it for you on Sunday.

- No, no, no. That won't do

Because lee and stan are coming for lunch tomorrow afternoon.

- I-I-it's kind of all set, ma.

- So the list of things more important than me

Just keeps getting longer.

All right, how about doing the shelves now?

Do you have any time for your mother now?

- Well, see, actually,

We're supposed to leave for the golf course tonight.

- Oh. I understand.

Okay, go golfing.

Have a good time.

- Come on, just get it in there. Come on, let's go.

oh, oh.

You boys have done a beautiful job

Putting these together.

- Thank you, ma. Thanks.

- Do me a favor. Don't sand them in here.

- Sand them?

- Of course.

You can't paint them until you sand them.

- Paint them?

- I can't have unfinished wood in my house.

It doesn't go with the decor.

- It's the laundry room!

This color will go very nice with that orange box of tide.

- All right, all right, look, ma,

I'm just going to put it back here for now,

And we'll paint it on Sunday.

- No, I have people coming tomorrow.

Oh, you might as well just drag it out to the trash.

- All right, just call the guys,

And tell them we'll meet them at the course.

- Really? I mean, it's unbelievable!

- Of course it is!

- I'll be honest, marie. Looking at those shelves,

I think lee's going to win this one.

- What do you mean? Win what?

- Oh, lee's all full of herself

'cause her son built a special box

For her spoon collection.

- That has nothing to do with anything.

- Give me a break.

That's why your mother wants to drag lee into the laundry room.

So she can show her what you two do for her.

- Ow!

- That's why we're doing this, ma?

Because--'cause lee's son has nothing better

To do all day than to kiss his mom's behind?

- Have you seen lee's behind?

It does take all day.

- And yet we still felt bad,

Like what we were doing wasn't good enough.

- Yeah, we always feel bad. We fall for it every time!

The guilt. Your guilt!

- If you feel guilty, it's not because of me.

- Oh, yeah, right, ma.

And by the way, where's the limp?

- Yeah!

- I feel very sad.

All this anger against me

Because of your precious golf.

- No, no! That's just the straw that broke the camel's back!

You've been making us feel guilty

About stuff our whole lives,

And we're sick of it! - Sick!

- Nothing is ever good enough, and it's always our fault!

- Hey, you can't speak to your mother like that!

- You do. - She's not my mother!

- I'm sorry. Look, the guilt trip, it's over!

Come on. Let's get out of here.

And we're not moving that!

- That's right. Amen, brother!

- Fine! Go!

Leave an old, crippled woman

With unfinished shelves and an uncaring husband!

- Yesterday, that would've worked.

- Okay, you guys are number 16 in line.

I'll be back here at 5:00 a.M.

- Okay.

Boy, 6 1/2 hours sitting in a car.

This is great.

- Yeah, we went through hell to get here,

But look at us now.

- Bethpage black, baby. - Doughnuts and stuff.

- Hey, you guys want to hear

About this dream I had last night?

- Was it a sex dream? - No.

- Then keep it to yourself.

- Hey, hey, I had a sex dream. - Oh, yeah?

- And you were there, and you were there--

- Okay. All right.

- He's a wacko!

- Hey, I saw a guy outside the gate

Selling sausage and pepper. Anybody in?

- Yeah, get me one. - Yeah, yeah, me too.

- I'll go with you. I want to stretch my legs.

- What, so your feet can touch the floor?

- Very funny.

You're out of my dream.

- Oh.

Feeling bad about ma?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, but we were right to leave, right?

- Oh, yeah, definitely.

And I'm glad you were there with me, cubby.

- Yeah. No, no, we were good.

We stood up for each other, you know?

We got to remember that for the future.

- Yeah, it's true, 'cause, you know,

We usually let it divide and conquer us,

But tonight, it was you and me.

We had the power. We beat her.

- Yeah. Yeah. And she's tough to beat.

- Yeah, the guilt. - Yeah.

She majored in guilt.

With a minor in crazy.

- You know what? I got a buddy on the force,

And his parents just moved to california.

Sees them twice a year, tops.

- Oh!

Oh, how great would that be?

You know, it would be like us...

America...

- Them. - Mm.

- Hey, you know where old people like to go?

Florida. - Oh, yeah!

- Yes. How do we get 'em to go there?

- Well, next time it snows,

We show ma pictures of florida

Right after dad had her shovel the driveway.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And for dad, we just tell him

That, uh, florida just became underwear-optional.

Oh...How great would that be?

Mom and dad a whole plane ride away.

- Ahh...It's fun to think about.

- Yeah.

Nah, who are we kidding?

They're not going anywhere, are they?

- No. They're going to be with us forever.

- Yep.

Well, until they, you know...

- Yeah.

- Yeah, of course, dad--

There's a good chance that he's not going to be...

yeah.

Yeah. That's true. - Yeah.

- He may be headed south after all.

- Uh, boy, you know, but it's weird,

Just to picture ma, you know, padding around the house

With no one to yell at.

- Well, you don't know

That dad's definitely going to go first.

- Oh, come on, did you see the way

He was wolfing down that meatball sub tonight?

I mean, I don't exactly--

I don't exactly see him blowing out a hundred candles.

- Yeah.

I guess at some point down the road,

We'll have to put mom

In a home or something, you know?

- Yeah. Yeah, I-I guess that's what they do, right?

- Yeah. - But--but a nice one.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, no. A good one.

- Yeah, not the kind they investigate on the news.

- No.

Uh-uh, it's got to be first-class, you know?

It's got to have flowers and...

And a television. Yeah.

- Yeah, but you know what? She still won't like it.

Even if it's a nice old age home,

Ma, she'll still find something to complain about.

- Yeah, true.

She'll probably try to escape a lot...

Which I think they charge you for.

Well, you know, now that I think about it,

You and amy'll probably take care of her.

- Wait a minute.

Why are you trying to pawn her off on me?

- No, no. It's just that...

You're going to move

Into that house eventually anyway, right?

- Why do you assume that?

- I just assumed that when-- when they go,

You'll get the house, and then you'll...

You'll finally have a house.

- Oh, so now I'm just a loser

Who can't buy my own house or make his way in the world,

So I'll just move back with mommy.

- Look, I'm just trying to think of what is best for ma.

- Oh, well, aren't you a saint?

- What?

- Of course, I can't help but think

What would be best for ma is for her to live out her days

In the place where she already spends most of her time.

- Uh, no! No. - Why? Why?

Come on, raymond. It's perfect.

I mean, one day she's over at your house,

And then she just doesn't leave.

- Uh-uh.

- Yeah, I can drop off her toothbrush

And a gallon of jean nate, and she'd be all set.

- No, listen, wait a minute. - No, she's yours, raymond.

- No, she's not! - All yours!

- She can't stay in my house, okay?

There's not enough room!

- Oh, come on,

You've got plenty of room downstairs

In your office there.

You just put in a nice rug

And put up a big picture of you and her together.

Oh, she'll be very happy.

- Okay, so since you're too stubborn

To move into that house,

Like we all know is your destiny,

You're going to force your own mother

To live in a basement, huh?

A dark, disgusting basement

With the rats and the cockroaches.

- Raymond, raymond, raymond.

Don't fight it.

Who do you think she'd rather be with?

We all know that you're the favorite.

And that, my friend...

Is your destiny.

- You are out of your mind!

She loves us both equally.

- Yeah. - Yeah, right! Okay!

All right. All right.

I'll tell you what. Why don't we do this?

We'll put her in the middle of the room, call her name,

And see who she comes to.

- Wait a minute, robert.

I-I don't think

You're taking every factor into consideration.

You're forgetting

A very special little lady named debra.

You think ma wants to spend the rest of her life

Under the same roof with her arch-nemesis?

Not likely.

But whose wife does she love?

Whose wife does she just think is the cat's bananas?

- Hey, look, don't bring our wives--

- Yeah, that's right! It's amy!

Precious little amy.

So you can put ma in the middle of that room.

As soon as she gets one look at amy,

She's going to come scampering over to you,

Tongue out and tail a-wagging!

- Damn it!

- How about we golf for it?

- What?

- Today. 18 holes.

Loser gets ma.

- What, are you kidding?

- What, are you chicken?

- No, no, I am not.

I was going to destroy you anyway, so fine.

This'll be the icing on my delicious victory pie.

- Yeah? We'll see who'll be eating the delicious pie.

- Oh, you are going down!

- Oh, yeah? You're going down to your basement,

So you can pretty it all up for big mama.

- No, I don't think so.

I don't think so. No. - I do, I do.

- I beat you pretty good the last time, pal.

- Yeah, right, and I beat you

The last three times before that.

- Yeah, well, just so you know,

I've been practicing my putting

While debra thinks I'm reading to the kids, okay?

So--so just get ready, man.

"oh, robbie, it's too cold in the house.

"robbie, it's too hot in the house.

Robbie, I hope you're making a baby in there."

Yeah! Yeah!

That's right. That is correct.

She is going to be with you till the day she dies.

- Okay, how about this?

- Forget about it. Forget about it.

- What?

- Just--I don't want to talk about it anymore.

- What do you mean?

- Nothing. It's just...

You know, one day she's really going to...

You know.

- Well, yeah.

I mean...

Yeah.

- I'll take her.

- What?

- I'll take her. I want to take mom.

- W-what do you mean you're going to take her? I--

- What? You don't have to worry about it.

- What are you saying?

I mean, you just changed your mind

Just like that?

- You just said that you don't want her.

- Well, maybe I changed my mind.

Maybe--maybe-- maybe I want her back now.

- It's too late. I called it!

- No, no, you can't call it, raymond.

I want her. I really do.

And all those things I said before

Were just to annoy you.

Besides, I'm going to move back in that house.

- That doesn't even matter!

- She's better off with me! - No!

- I'm tall and strong,

And I can carry her up to her bed on my back!

- So? I would be a better provider for her

Than you would. - Oh, why?

Because you make more money than me, huh?

You're going to throw that in my face?

- No, I'm just saying

That when it comes to money, I have more.

- Okay.

Okay, you know what?

We're going to golf for it, but the other way.

Winner gets ma.

- Oh, fine, fine! Bring it on! - Oh, I'm going to bring it!

- All right, well, keep your receipt

'cause you're going to return it!

- You keep the receipt! - Yeah, I will!

We don't even have to do this!

Because it's like you said before,

Ma loves me more!

- Well, you know what?

She can love you all she wants

Because I love her...

More than you do.

- What? - You heard me.

I love mom more.

- Are you insane?

- Deep down inside, raymond,

You know it's true.

- Are you saying that I don't love my mother?

- Not as much as me.

You take her for granted.

But me?

I cherish every ounce of affection that woman gives me

Because I have to fight for it

Like a dirty dog in the street.

But you?

You don't even have to try.

She makes it so easy for you.

You're just a fat kid sitting with his mouth open

At the end of a chocolate assembly line.

You disgust me.

I'm getting ma.

- You're not getting ma.

- Don't push me!

Ow!

- Get away! Get away! Get out!

- Where are you going, huh? - Aah!

Get off me! - Come here!

- You leave me alone! Ahh!

- Come here, you! - You started it!

you started it!

- Get out of here! - Come here!

- Whoa!

- Come here. Come here.

- Robert, stop! - Here!

- Eat it! Eat it! - No! Stop!

Stop! Truce! Truce!

- All right! - Truce!

Truce! Truce!

- All right, truce.

- Truce! Truce! - Truce.

- Truce, truce. No truce! No truce!

No truce!

- Aah! Aah!

- Enough now! - Enough!

- Okay. - Truce!

- Truce. - Truce!

- For real, for real truce!

Enough, enough.

Truce.

- Why do you always got to do the nipple?

- My nostril is jellied shut.

Truce.

- Truce. Truce.

- Truce.

- Man, these sausages smell good.

- You guys owe me three bucks each.

Okay, here's your--

- This was exactly like my dream.

- Oh, hey! Here they are! - Hey.

- What happened?

- Uh, he--he hit a couple of really bad shots, yeah.

- It's 8:00. How long was golf?

- Well, we did something after golf.

Yeah, come on. - All right.

here we go. Pick it up, pick it up.

- Oh! - Here you go, ma.

- Oh, my goodness! - Yeah. Listen, ma.

We're sorry, okay?

We shouldn't have yelled at you.

- Yeah, we felt bad all day.

- Oh, you shouldn't have.

You're the best sons any mother could hope for.

- Why do I suddenly want jelly doughnuts?

- Oh, these shelves are so beautiful.

And flowers.

- Glad you like 'em, mom.

Sorry they weren't ready in time for lee and stan though.

- Oh, that doesn't matter.

Come on, you're going to carry these shelves

Over to lee's house right now.

- Okay.

- All right, ma.

- Pick it up, pick it up. - I got it.

- Oh, by the way, deb, I beat robert at golf today.

So when dad dies, mom's going to live with us.