Original subtitles

- No, now here's the sweetest thing.

Every night since our wedding,

Robert gives me a little massage.

- Oh, wow. You are so lucky.

- Yeah.

Although he kind of doesn't know his own strength,

And sometimes when he squeezes,

I feel like I'm being juiced.

But it's very thoughtful.

- Can't you just tell him to lighten up a little?

- I don't have the heart.

Plus I usually black out before I can say anything.

- My bernie does cute things too.

You know, like, every night he shuffles in

In his pajamas.

He kneels by the bed and prays.

- Aw.

- You know, when ray kneels by the bed,

It's not so much praying as begging.

No, you know what? Ray is pretty sweet himself.

The other night, when I woke up,

He was whimpering in his sleep.

- Really? - Yeah.

And then he said, "choo-choo gone."

Aww...

- "choo-choo gone." how adorable is that?

- You know, he woke up, and he was really embarrassed,

But he told me he was having a dream

That he was in the park with his mommy,

And the kiddy train left before he got on.

- Ohh. - I know.

- I am such a sucker

For that little boy thing in men.

It's so endearing.

- Where's marie? I lost my shoe.

- Come on, robert.

You didn't play that bad, all right?

I was just awesome.

- Thanks. You always know just what to say.

- What are you worried about? It's not like anybody saw you.

You were in the woods the whole time.

- All right, so you just invited me in to insult me?

Is that it? - Yes.

And to offer you a mixed berry juice box.

- Hmm. I do like mixed berry.

- Here, I'll put the straw in for you.

I know you won't be able to get it anywhere near the hole.

- I can do it myself!

Good-bye!

- Why are you being such a baby?

- Baby? - Yeah.

- I'm a baby?

Baby knows three words, "choo-choo gone."

- What?

- Nothing.

Ahh!

- Hey. How was your golf?

- W-w-what'd you do? You told robert my dream?

- What?

- My train dream. "choo-choo gone."

- No, I didn't tell robert that.

Oh, amy.

- You told amy?

- Well, you know, I just thought it was sweet, and so did she.

And I didn't think she would tell robert.

- No, it's not sweet. It's personal.

- I'm sorry, I'll tell amy

To keep those kind of things between us.

- Wha-- no! No!

How 'bout you just keep them between us?

Wait a minute, what things? She knows other of my things?

- Ray, just calm down.

- What else does she know? Huh?

Does she know you saw me that time,

Shaving with your pink lady razor?

- I don't know.

- Come on, come on, think. Did you tell her?

- Ray, this is crazy.

What, do you expect me to remember

Everything I've ever told amy about you over the years?

- Years?

You've been doing this to me for years?

- Okay, I realize you're upset,

And I will try to be more sensitive,

But I do talk to amy about my life.

And I'm sorry, but you happen to be a big part of my life.

- Well, I'm sorry you and the other hens

Don't have anything better to do

Than to--than to cluck around the henhouse

Like a gaggle of cluckety-clucking hens!

- We're not clucking, ray.

We're sharing our feelings.

- Oh, my god.

You tell her about our sex!

- Look, ray, listen. I don't...

She's my best friend.

- Dump her!

- What? - You have to dump her.

She knows too much, thanks to your gossip.

Yes, that's right. You're a gossip.

- What are you doing?

- I'm going upstairs to take a shower,

And I would rather amy didn't know what I wash

Or how long I wash it!

- hey.

Oh, game's already on?

- Yeah, yeah, it just started.

- Uh, say there, dad,

How 'bout passing me some of those tasty chips?

- Why, certainly, son. Here you go.

- Hey, animals, can you at least eat with your mouth shut?

- Oh, I'm sorry. What's the matter?

Don't you like the way we choo-choo?

- Choo-choo. Choo-choo gone!

We got him totally worked.

- Yeah, ha-ha. Very funny.

Yeah, you wouldn't be laughing

If you knew what the dream was really about.

- Yeah, right. - Trust me.

I didn't tell debra the exact truth.

- Oh, yeah? - What was it?

- Okay. All right.

Remember ellen chulesky from high school?

- Oh, yeah.

She was a woman among girls. - Yeah.

Well, in my class,

We used to call her choo-choo chulesky.

So anyway, in the dream, it was no kiddy train.

It was just me and choo-choo.

All aboard!

Ooh.

- So then what does "choo-choo gone" mean?

- Well, she had her way with me and left.

So "choo-choo" was gone.

Anyway, then I had to make up the whole train thing

'cause the wife was there.

- Ah, they're always there.

- I didn't know debra was going to go blabbing it.

I don't get it.

She has nothing better to do

Than to talk about my personal life?

- Raymond, raymond, raymond.

See, that just shows the surprising naivete

On your part.

For, you see,

It is always the nature of the female

To gather with other females--

- And screech like a tree full of chinese monkeys.

- Yeah, well...

I don't do it to her.

I don't go around telling everybody

That debra burps all the time.

- Debra burps?

- Yeah, sometimes she gets a nervous stomach.

It rocks the house.

- Really? Little debra?

- Oh, yeah.

One time, I saw her burp a door open.

- Hey. Hey.

You know what amy does?

- What?

- Okay.

Sometimes when she laughs...

She pees a little.

- What do you--?

You mean, she pees when she laughs?

Yeah, well, a chuckle won't do it,

But if you really crack her up,

You might want to put some papers down.

- Oh, man!

Our wives are disgusting.

- Yeah.

- Aw, they all got their secrets.

Do you want to know a good one about your mother?

No, no, no.

- Don't want to hear it.

- You know your mother's famous homemade marinara sauce?

On more than one occasion...

store-bought.

- No! - No! No way!

Uh-uh. - Yes. When she's in a rush,

Out of the jar, my friends.

- This is huge!

- Oh, man!

So it's homemade if you live in aisle six at waldbaum's.

- Yeah, there you go.

Hey, look, you know what else amy does?

- Hang on, let me turn this thing off.

- You know what?

I'm going to make us a pot of coffee.

- This is great.

- Listen, ray, you know, I've been thinking a lot

About what you said yesterday,

And I really am sorry.

I think you have a good point.

Some things are private and should just stay that way.

- Thank you.

Apology accepted. - Okay.

Good night. - Night.

Guess who pees when she laughs.

- Got to tell you, that's your worst come-on line ever.

- I'll give you a clue.

First letter, "a," last letter, "y,"

And don't ask me the middle letter,

Because I "m" not going to tell you.

- No. - It's amy.

she does?

- Robert said that if you get her laughing hard enough,

80% chance of flash flooding.

- We have been friends for years.

Why didn't I know that?

- Maybe you're not funny.

- So wait a minute.

You and robert were gossiping?

- Yeah, and my father too.

You want to know something about my mother?

Look at you.

I've never seen you this excited in bed.

- Shut up and tell me about your mother.

- Okay.

You know her, uh, famous homemade sauce?

- Yeah?

- You want to know the secret ingredient?

- Okay.

- Gasoline...

Which she puts in her car to drive to waldbaum's

To go to aisle six to pick up a jar of ragu!

- No way!

- Yeah!

Wow!

- Hon, look...

I know it's a little early, but happy anniversary.

Oh, so your mother's a cheater.

- Mm-hmm, yeah, she sure is.

- Wait a minute.

If that's what those guys were saying about their wives,

What did you say about me?

- Nothing, I just...

I-I told them that when you sleep,

Sometimes you wiggle your nose like a little bunny.

- I do that? - Yeah, yeah.

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

Yeah, it's cuter on you though.

- Oh...I can't believe you told them that.

- Yeah. - What did they say?

- They...I think they said, "aww."

Aww!

- Yeah. It was cute.

- Ooh!

- You sure?

- I'm telling you, for apple pie, 21 seconds.

You'll be very happy.

- What's going on?

- Just...Heating up pie.

- I'll have some, but wash your hands first.

- What's up with you?

- You guys got to get your wives out of my house.

They're over there looking at furniture catalogs.

I told marie, "at your age,

"you shouldn't be looking at any furniture

Unless it has a lid."

- Choo-choo chulesky?

- What?

- Who is choo-choo chulesky?

- Ray, you better get back into your microwave position.

- Look, debra... It's not what you think.

- Oh, I think you were dreaming about another woman,

And you told me a choo-choo train story.

- No...

You couldn't keep your giant mouth shut, could you?

- I didn't say anything, robert, I swear.

- Well, someone opened their giant mouth.

- I did.

- Well, I'm sure you had your reasons.

- Mom?

- Your father told me about your little fantasy,

And I felt I'd be remiss if I didn't tell debra

That her marriage was in peril.

- Dad, why would you tell mom?

- I was proud of you.

You dream like a man.

- Yeah, well, that's great, ray.

I'm going around telling everybody

What a sweet little boy you are,

And you're dreaming about another woman.

Thanks a lot, ray.

Thanks for making me look like a total jerk!

- Wait, I made it up, I made it up!

Choo-choo really was a train.

- So what are you saying? You lied to them?

- And here I was finally proud of you.

- You are unbelievable, ray.

- No, you know what? You're unbelievable.

You took something that was private,

And you blabbed it all over town!

- Oh, yeah? Well, you were

A pretty good blabbermouth yourself last night.

"hey, guess who pees when she laughs."

- Guess who was right there with me, laughing it up.

"oh! Amy pees! Ha-ha, that's so funny!"

Yeah.

- Robert.

- I love you.

Amy. Amy.

Amy, listen, I'm sorry.

Sweetie, come on, look at me.

We were all talking. Everyone was doing it!

Debra belches like a truck driver,

And ma uses ragu!

- Frank!

- Ray!

That's what you told them about me, that I burp?

You just made up that cute little nose thing?

- I didn't make it up. Look, there it is. There it is.

Ow!

- Oh, all right! All right!

A lot of things have been said,

And I have no problem facing the truth,

However painful it might be.

Now, about my sauce,

Frank, tell them you're a liar.

- What?

- Do you ever want to eat again?

- I lied.

I'm a crazy old man who lies.

- Good.

And I'm glad that you could admit that.

And you should all know better than to engage in idle gossip.

- What are you talking about?

You're the one who blabbed it to debra

About choo-choo chulesky.

- I do not blab!

What I do comes from love.

And if you want to know the truth,

Debra is the worst gossip of us all.

- Me? You're the one who once told me

That frank came to bed with a toupee on for you.

- What?

- This is an outrage, marie.

That was a hat I found on the street.

- Oh, really?

And what about what debra told amy last July?

- What?

- Debra told amy that raymond thought

That amy and robert's marriage

Didn't have a chance in hell.

- Marie, who told you that?

- Marie, I told you that in confidence!

- Amy, how could you tell marie that I said that?

- Debra, how could you tell amy what I told you?

- My marriage doesn't have a chance in hell?

Excuse me.

- I didn't say your marriage

Doesn't have a chance in hell...

The way that sounds.

All right, look.

There are certain things that a man says to his wife

When he's just trying to, I don't know,

Fill the silence.

- Oh... Now I understand.

You're a hateful jerk-face.

And what I mean by that is,

You're hateful, and you're a jerk-face.

- Why did you have to tell amy that?

- I was just talking to amy about the stupid things men say.

We all do it.

Amy knew what I meant. She was okay with it.

You were okay with it, right?

- Actually, I was pretty upset.

- That's why she came to me.

- Okay, see? She was upset.

- Yeah, but you're the one who said it.

- Yeah, b--

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You've been walking around,

Secretly thinking I'm a hateful jerk-face

But still acting all fake nice to me?

- I haven't been that nice.

A few months ago, you got a haircut,

And everybody said, "nice haircut, ray,"

But I didn't.

- How could you do that to me?

I mean, that's terrible.

- You hurt my feelings.

- Still, you think somebody's a hateful jerk-face,

You got to tell 'em.

I have feelings too.

- Hateful jerk-face. Feel better?

- You see? You made me a hateful jerk-face.

- You know, amy, ray's right.

How am I supposed to know I upset you if you don't

Say anything to me? I mean, come on.

I'm supposed to be your best friend.

- What about me? I'm supposed to be her husband!

I'm your husband!

Don't you know, after all these years,

To tell me immediately when raymond screws up?

You page me at work!

- I must say, amy, before you came into the family,

We were all just open with each other.

We'd say whatever was on our mind.

And now...

We have to tiptoe around your feelings.

- It's not fair, amy.

- Yeah, amy, see what you did?

- Ah, jeez. There she goes again.

- Robert, get in there.

- I don't know what I did wrong.

I was brought up to be nice.

I never say anything bad about anybody.

What do you people want?

All I ever wanted to do was to fit into this family.

- Oh, honey.

You do fit in.

- I hate to say it, amy, but you do.

- Yeah, I'm sorry about all that stuff

I said about you and robert.

You definitely have a chance in hell.

- Thank you, ray.

And that was a nice haircut.

- Thanks. I switched barbers.

- Aw, you see, amy?

You do have a place in our family,

And we will always have a place for you.

- Here you go, sweetie.

- Robert, I have to speak up.

You're killing me.

- Women. They're never satisfied.

- Ah.

- Are you ready?

Oh, frank, come on!

No, don't turn around now.

It's not embarrassing. It's funny.