Original subtitles

- I'm so glad you came a day early, honey.

- Me too, mom.

I'm almost looking forward to this.

- oh, good. They're here.

- Hello, husband.

- Hello, wife.

- I missed you.

- Oh, I missed you too.

- Hey, it's winter out here.

- Ooh! I'm sorry. Come in.

- Hello. - Well, welcome.

- Happy thanksgiving.

- How are you? - Hello.

- How was the drive?

- Long.

But--but fun 'cause we're just,

"pennsylvania! Can't wait!"

- Good day, fair barones...

On this festival of thanks and givingness.

- Well, here, let me take your coats.

- Don't go too far with those.

- Dad, be a person.

- Sorry we're so late.

- That's all right. Dinner's almost ready.

- I brought pies for after.

- Oh, thank you, marie.

- I made two in case people don't fill up on dinner.

- How thoughtful.

- Well, why doesn't everyone have a seat?

- Just point us to the room with the tv.

- Oh, we don't own a tv.

- I don't understand.

- You know, it's fine, frank. We'll just talk.

- Oh. - Oh.

- You can warm yourselves up with some hot cider.

- Is it spiked?

- There's cinnamon.

- So I drove here for hot juice.

- And, children, we also have

The macdougall family thanksgiving pageant.

- The--the macdougall... What?

- Oh, did I forget to mention that to you guys?

This is fun. Listen to this.

This is great.

- When peter and I were kids,

We used to put on a play about the first thanksgiving.

And we thought that, since ally and the boys

Were coming this year,

We could try it again.

- Doesn't that sound like fun, kids?

- You don't even have, like, a little emergency tv?

- The kids can play most of the parts,

And peter will reprise his role as...

- Squanto.

- All right, children, if you want to follow me,

I have costumes and decorations.

And candy. - Okay!

- Oh, they'll be so cute doing the play.

- This is great. Dinner and a show!

- You have a radio? - Ray.

- What?

What if--what if the president comes on

To say thanksgiving's been canceled?

How are we going to hear that?

- Hey, this chair ain't bad. I tell you something.

I could do some serious napping in this thing.

Frank.

- Come on, stop it. Stop it.

- What? What? What? What?

- Don't get my dad started on naps.

- Don't tell me-- he's morally against 'em.

- Oh, no. He loves naps.

Right, daddy?

- I do.

But never in a chair.

I'm more of a bed man.

- Interesting.

Let me ask you,

Do you go all the way under the covers?

- No, no. No, no, just on top.

Now, I might kick off my shoes,

But that's as far as it goes.

- Well, let me tell you, if I'm doing a bed nap,

I'm getting under the covers, but my pants are not.

- I've got pastry puffs.

- Oh. - Yeah.

- Hey, mom, dad and frank are talking about naps.

- Oh, that's wonderful.

- Do yourself a favor, hank.

Try a nap in the chair sometime.

- I might just do that after dinner.

- There you go!

- Would you like an appetizer, marie?

They're homemade.

- Oh, that's all right.

- Oh, but I'd love for you to try one.

Everyone says you're the best cook there is.

- Well, I wouldn't say that.

I'd love to try one.

Mmm! I have to say, that's marvelous.

- Oh, thank you.

- She's been so worried

About what you were going to think of her dinner.

- Oh... Who cares what I think?

- Mom!

The boys are putting glue in each other's hair.

- Oh, no!

- I'm surprised it took them this long.

Okay, sweetie, mommy will help you stick 'em to the wall.

- How great is this? Isn't this great?

It's like a family.

- I have more appetizers in the kitchen.

- Oh, I'll come with you.

I want to see what else we have to look forward to.

- Don't put glue in each other's hair.

- what was that?

- Sounded like something hit the house.

Oh, it's a bird.

- It must've flown into the window.

- Oh.

- Oh, man. It's hurt.

- Oh, what do we do?

- Don't squeeze it. Be careful.

- Uh, don't worry. I got it.

- Don't hold it too tight.

I know birds. I build birdhouses.

- May I see it?

Oh, my.

Let me help you.

- Aw, poor thing.

- He must've gotten confused or something.

- Hey, hey, remember tweety?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, when we were kids,

We had a cockatiel named tweety.

- I trained him so when I opened his cage,

He'd fly right up onto my shoulder.

He thought I was a tree.

- Here we go. - Oh, how's the bird?

- Oh, I took care of it.

- What do you mean?

- You know--

- You killed the bird?

- I had to put it out of its misery.

- You mean, you actually put it to death?

- It was very quick.

- How could you do that?

- Oh, she's very good at it.

- You've done this before?

- Sure. All the time.

- Well, only when they hit the house.

- I think, if birds keep flying into your house,

You got to warn them somehow.

- Maybe we should just cover the house with mattresses,

So the birds bounce off.

- Are you making fun of me, cocoa puffs?

- Okay. All right.

Let's all take a deep breath and try to remember

That the bird is in a better place.

Birdie heaven,

Where the seed is free,

And every bird gets a worm--

Not just the early ones.

- She should take you into the kitchen.

excuse me,

But how do you know the bird couldn't be saved?

I mean, you're not a veterinarian.

- No, but I have lived in the country my whole life.

- Mom grew up on a farm.

- I bet the chickens slept with one eye open.

- It's funny, isn't it, mother,

How city folk react to this type of thing?

- That poor bird was innocently flying around,

You kill it, you don't even seem to care.

- It's not that we don't care, marie.

It's just, out here,

There are animals all around us,

And sometimes you do what has to be done.

- Yes, like when a rodent gets into the root cellar,

You don't want to bang it with a shovel...

But you do.

- Bong!

- You got no right to go around

Bumping off god's creatures willy-nilly.

- Well, let's remember, frank, god did say,

"let man have dominion over the fish of the sea,

"and the fowl of the air,

And every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth."

- You creepeth me out.

- You know, frank, I would like to say something to you.

It seems to me that you care more about animals

Than you do about people.

- What the hell is that supposed to mean?

- Well, I've never seen you show as much compassion

For any human being

As you've just shown for that bird.

And even the way you treat each other is appalling.

- Hey, I think I know a couple of fellas

Who could use a nap.

- Listen, pal, we tell it like it is.

Somebody's bothering me, I let 'em know.

And, yeah, maybe that's why I like animals.

They tell it like it is.

Woof! Moo! Quack!

That's straight shooting.

- So you're like an animal.

- yes.

- I'm honest.

You don't love your fellow man.

You just pretend to be all nicey-nice,

So you can get a ticket upstairs.

- Oh!

- Okay, now it's a holiday.

- We would never pretend like that.

We always try to see the goodness in people.

Even when it's very, very hard.

- I happen to agree with my husband.

You can't just put on a smile

And pretend that people are wonderful.

- Yeah, nobody really-- - I'm talking now, frank.

I have always felt

That if I'm going to be a loving human being,

I also had to be courageous enough

To be honest with people.

Being fake helps no one.

what is that look?

- It's just-- well, I was thinking

About when you said you made two pies

In case people didn't fill up on dinner.

I don't think you were happy

To be spending thanksgiving with us,

But you covered your true feelings

With a veiled insult about my cooking.

Isn't that fake?

- You killed a bird!

- Marie, maybe we should just let the bird thing go.

- Whoa, whoa, amy, look,

Let's not get sucked into this, okay?

I mean, I'm not taking my family's side.

- Well, of course not. They're acting all nuts.

- They're nuts?

- Well, what would you call it

When a man barks and quacks at you?

- My father was barking and quacking

Because he was upset

About the path of death and destruction

That your parents have cut through the animal community!

- That's my boy!

- This doesn't happen if you have a tv.

- Then you must think I'm a murderer too.

When I was a kid, I used to catch field mice

To feed to peter's pet snake.

- You crazy bastard.

They're all killers.

It runs in the family.

- I wish we still had that snake.

- Frank! They want to feed us to the snakes!

- All right.

Just relax, you two, okay?

No snake is that hungry.

- hey, everybody!

Here they come!

- What's this? - Isn't this great?

There's a part for everybody in the play.

- Not me. Forget it.

- But, grandpa, you're the indian chief.

- I see no reason why he should be involved in our play.

- Oh, you don't want me in your play?

- What's going on?

What's happening?

- No tv.

- Daddy, we want you to be squanto.

- What? - Yeah, squanto.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, no.

hold on a second.

No, no. I am always squanto.

Okay?

- But we want daddy to do it.

- Yeah, daddy.

- Kid, I always do it. Let me have the feather.

Come on, let me have the feather.

- Hey, hey, leave the kid. - Let me have the feather.

- Hey!

I'm squanto!

Yeah.

Feels good.

Heap good.

- Fine.

I look forward to your interpretation.

- Marie, uh, we thought you'd be a pilgrim.

So if you'll just take the hat...

- Maybe the pageant isn't such a good idea today.

- What do you mean? It's thanksgiving!

- No. Let's just forget it.

- No! I don't know what's going on here,

But certain people in this room

Are very excited about doing this play, okay?

So we're going to do it.

- Oh, debra, don't you-- - dit-dit-dit-dit!

We're doing the play.

Kids, let's go. Ally, sweetie.

- "the first thanksgiving.

"the pilgrims landed at plymouth rock

"in the winter of 1620,

"looking for freedom and a new life.

But things were not easy for them."

- "the winter is so very hard.

Many of our people are dying from cold and hunger."

- "but we can't find any food."

- "we don't even know how to catch fish.

What ever will we do?"

- She should try strangling a couple of birds.

- Did anyone hear some savages talking?

- "a native american named squanto

Came to the pilgrim village."

- "my name is squanto"--

- Ooh! Riveting!

- "my name is squanto. I come in peace."

- "hello." - hey. Oh.

"hey. Hi.

I'll show you how to live off this land."

- "squanto taught the pilgrims how to catch fish."

Is anybody buying this guy as squanto?

- You leave him alone.

He hasn't had a chance to exercise lately.

- "can you also teach us

To plant corn and forage for berries?"

- "yes, I can."

Oh. Eh.

- "squanto and the pilgrims became friends,

But squanto's tribe did not like the settlers."

- This is an excellent play.

- "I think we should be friends with the pilgrims

And sign a peace treaty."

- "yes, we promise to protect your people

And treat you with kindness."

- Lies. They're going to screw us.

- "the pilgrims invited squanto's tribe to a big feast.

Everyone was happy when the indian chief arrived."

"we're so happy."

- "they exchanged gifts,

And the indian chief embraced the pilgrim governor."

grandpa, embrace him.

- Look, ally, sweetie, this was cute and everything,

But now it stinks.

- It doesn't stink!

This play is a macdougall family tradition.

- Yes, and we've seen other kinds of traditions

Your family enjoys.

- Marie, please stop already.

- No, no. That's okay. You know what I think?

It's important to get everything out in the open.

So tell me, amy,

What else did you feed that snake, huh?

Stray dogs? Hitchhikers?

- Oh, my god.

- Your family scares the hell out of me!

- Okay.

Okay. Okay, enough.

What is going on here?

When I left the room,

Everybody was laughing, and it was wonderful.

It showed me that our family could really get along.

What happened?

- Pat the psycho choked a bird with her bare hands.

- What?

- A bird flew into the window, and it was really hurt.

- And she murdered it.

- She put it out of its misery.

- Oh, that's what happened.

So?

- So? - Well, thank you!

- That's what you're fighting about?

I mean, what was pat supposed to do?

Perform surgery?

- You have never liked us.

You take every opportunity you can

To go against the family.

- Well, you know, actually,

I can kind of see debra's point.

I mean, the bird was injured.

- Oh, now you think that?

When debra says it, you listen. But with me, you just fight.

What is with you?

- It's a confusing issue!

- You're out of the family.

You, what's with your wife?

- He's right. Why can't you just be on our side?

- It's not about taking sides, ray!

It's very sad what happened to that bird,

But it doesn't have to ruin everything!

- That bird was one of god's creatures!

The god these people supposedly work for.

But apparently, that life didn't mean anything to them.

It was just a bird.

Well, maybe so,

But I happen to think

He deserved a lot better than he got.

- Okay, everyone!

Dinner.

- All right! Break me off a leg there!