Original subtitles

♪ Daring duck of mystery Champion of right ♪

♪ Swoops out of the shadows Darkwing owns the night ♪

♪ Somewhere some villain schemes But his number's up ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck When there's trouble you call DW ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Let's get dangerous ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Darkwing, Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Cloud of smoke and he appears ♪

♪ Master of surprise ♪

♪ Who's that cunning mind behind that shadowy disguise? ♪

♪ Nobody knows for sure But bad guys are out of luck ♪

♪ 'Cause here comes ♪

- ♪ Darkwing Duck ♪ - ♪ Look out! ♪

♪ When there's trouble you call DW ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Let's get dangerous ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Better watch out you bad boys ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

Come on, Honker, let's see what you got. Put it right here.

- It's out of the park! - [crashing]

Gosalyn Mallard.

Principal Farnsworth?

So would you say the pesky perpetrator

pilfered your plentiful stock of profitable playthings?

No. I'd just say I got robbed.

All I need is one singular clue

to the strange disappearance of your toys.

Um, what about these?

Don't bother Darkwing Duck with questions on dental hygiene.

This is a clue! Ah-ha!

I'd know this logo anywhere.

It belongs to...

...my old nemesis Quackerjack.

- Another clue? - No. Another crash.

It's my... sidekick.

DW, they want you at Gos's school for a parent-teacher conference.

This is the third time Gosalyn's been caught

playing baseball in the halls, Mr. Mallard.

Do you know what that means?

Please have mercy on her!

She's just a child. I've been derelict in my duties.

Punish me. Not her, not her!

Mr. Mallard, please, this really isn't necessary.

Care for some Brie and crackers?

No, no, thanks. Watching my waistline.

Gosalyn really is a good kid.

Oh, and I know it's difficult being a single parent.

Yes, yes, quite right. Most difficult.

I think you might find some helpful hints in this book,

The Perfect Parent.

"Congratulations, reader.

You're on your way to becoming the perfect parent."

What you reading, Dad?

"The first step in becoming a perfect parent

is creating the perfect home environment."

Oh, science fiction.

Why would Quackerjack be stealing

all the toys from toy stores?

Spite? Revenge? Large birthday party?

- [sizzling] - He's hit every toy store in town.

What dastardly deed is he devising?

"A perfect parent can never rest knowing dust bunnies live."

Move your feet.

Dad! Why upset a delicate ecosystem?

[phone ringing]

Hello? Oh, hi, Launchpad.

- Oh, Dad... - Not now.

- Daddy's talking on Mr. Phone. - But Dad!

What? A hostage situation at the toy store? I'm on my way!

[Quackerjack laughing] That's right, troops.

The competition's gone.

Now you can fill those shelves with Quackerjack toys.

Oooh! [laughing]

Exploding panda? Aisle seven.

Your plan will never work, Quackerjack.

Consumers won't buy...

...dangerous toys.

My toys are not dangerous, merely misunderstood.

Some are even... educational.

No, no, no, please, not the...

Yes! It's the incredibly dreary Mr. History doll.

He'll simply bore you to death.

[laughing]

In 1803 the Louisiana Purchase was signed,

nearly doubling the size of the country...

No, no, no!

Get ready for the Industrial Revolution!

[Darkwing] I am the terror that flaps in the night.

I am the check writer in the cash-only line.

I am... obviously all out of my trademark blue smoke.

Darkwing Duck!

I should've known you'd ruin my fun, you big fat spoilsport.

[whistling]

Yeah, ha!

- Do I really look fat? - It's playtime!

Nice doggies, nice doggies!

I'll be back, Darkwing Duck.

This calls for the latest

in state-of-the-art crimefighting devices.

Fetch!

That was no ordinary doggie bone.

Where'd he go?

Sorry, DW, he got away.

Maybe we could still catch him.

Well, I can't right now.

I've got a roast in the oven.

Well, maybe we can stake out the place after dinner.

I... can't.

I'm helping Gos with her homework.

Principal's orders.

Monosodium gluteus maximus.

Monosodium glutamate.

You know, Gos, I used to be quite the science whiz.

Done! We've created homemade mouthwash.

Well, it will definitely kill the germs that cause bad breath.

[phone ringing]

Hello. What?!

Figures. Just when Gos was finally learning something useful.

Sorry, honey, Quackerjack's at the toy store again.

- Gotta run! - Thank you.

Where are my toys? They're all gone!

Oh, but Mr. Quackerjack, I tried to tell you,

parents won't buy your toys.

I couldn't give them away.

Fiddlesticks!

Excuse me, ma'am.

Why not try a tasteful Quackerjack toy?

Pet the nice doggie, Henry.

[loud growling]

Wait, wait! Some would say my toys are an acquired taste.

Of course kids would learn to like my toys

if their parents didn't interfere!

[Darkwing] All right, Quackerjack, playtime's over.

Well, if it isn't Darkwing Dud. I grow weary of this game.

Whoaaa!

Ha! And they say my toys are dangerous.

My giant inflatable Bobo punching bag.

A classic!

You'll get a bang out of Bobo.

[laughing]

You're finished, Quackerjerk.

[grunting]

Cleanup on aisle two.

So much for the happy clown myth.

This place will be blown sky-high.

Yeah, yeah.

My correspondence course in mountaineering really paid off.

- Hey, you OK, DW? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The old panda broke my fall.

[bell ringing]

Well, he nearly broke my fall,

and my arm, my leg, my favorite neck.

Aw, don't worry, DW. Why, if anything ever

happened to you, I'd raise Gos as if she were my own.

Excuse me, ma'am.

I... Yeah.

Thanks for the thought, old pal,

but don't give up your day job yet.

But what if something did happen to me?

Then Gos'd really be out a perfect parent.

Dad, I'm home!

Whoops. Wrong house.

Would you and your playmates care for a cookie, my darling daughter?

They're made with wholesome oat bran, of course.

Dad, are you feeling OK?

I'm swell, honey.

Looking forward to spending some quality time with you,

my little cutie wutie-pootie goody-goody-goody pie.

Dad, not in front of the guys.

Hey, bet the guys would like to stay for supper.

Zucchini meatloaf. Mm-mmm. Yum.

All right! Where's my dad and what have you done with him?

[chuckling]

You little imp. Want to help me hang my new chintz curtains?

Uh... Dad, isn't there a whole crime-riddled city out there

just begging for your "quality time"?

The police will handle it.

I've given up crimefighting to become a full-time parent.

I couldn't do both 100 percent, so one had to go.

But Dad, I like things the way they are... uh, were.

Nope. I've made up my mind.

From now on, it's just you and me, kid.

We should have enough fabric left over.

- For what? - Your costume for the school play.

What school play? I'm not in any school play.

You are now. And guess who's directing?

This quality time stuff's really cramping my style.

Well, we plastered every pole in town with fliers for the play.

- Think that will do it? - If that doesn't, this will.

DW!

Well, my banana-brain friend,

if parents won't buy my toys, children will.

I'll surround myself with children

in my ultimate toy utopia!

They'll recognize me for my toy genius.

They'll declare me toy czar!

But where are you gonna get the kids, O Mighty Toymaker?

[sputtering]

There's a name for people like you.

I mean, I know just the place.

Didn't think I did, huh, smarty pants?

We're going to a school play.

It's playtime!

I can't believe my dad made me give up baseball

so I could play this stupid Cookie Crumb Fairy.

Yeah, this play stinks. Your dad cut my napalm scene.

Well... I kinda like being a rock.

Do you think I look like quartz or limestone?

Look, if we all walk, nobody gets hurt.

Pizza Barn, my treat.

- Yes! - Yes!

Going somewhere, my little leading lady?

We can't begin without the star attraction.

Places, people. Center. It's magic time.

[indistinct grumbling]

I'm not leaving this spot.

Whoa!

Quackerjack!

Hey, kids, how'd you like to come with me?

To a happy place full of glee.

No parents, no broccoli and lots of TV.

Wouldn't have to do the stupid play.

- [all] Yes! - Don't do it, you guys.

He's the demented villain, Quackerjack.

Did I mention the toys? All the toys you could possibly want?

I'm too old for baby toys, bugle beak.

- What's in it for me? - My newest line: Destructo-toys.

Cool! Lead the way.

[all] Yes!

Come on, squirt!

All right, Quack, you asked for it!

[stammering] You don't scare me.

I've seen better teeth on a rusty zipper.

[chattering]

Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado,

I bring you the Cookie Crumb Fairy,

starring that inimitable impresario, Gosalyn Mallard!

[cheering]

Gos, that's your cue. [nervous laughter]

Technical difficulties, I'm sure.

Nothing to worry about. One moment, please.

[booing]

I know they went to that pizza joint.

Wait till I get my hands on her.

The crowd's getting pretty ugly out there. What are we gonna do?

I'll go get the little... darlings.

But someone's gotta hold down the fort.

Oh, no, oh, no, not me.

No, I... I...

I just flew in from Duckburg, and, boy, are my arms tired.

[nervous laughter]

What are you lookin'...

...smiling at?

Patience, my grubby little consumers.

There's toys for all.

I'll take this cool brass knuckle yo-yo.

Marvelous choice. That'll be 29.95. No checks.

I've got a quarter... and some lint.

You have to pay for my toys, you deadbeat delinquents!

- [all gasping] - But we don't have any money.

Eureka! If you make my toys, I can pay you for your work.

- Yeah? So? - Then you can buy my toys.

Oh, this is the happiest moment of my life.

Why work for money to buy toys?

Why not just make our own toys?

Why doesn't that jerk just keep his money and call it even?

Bookkeeping.

Well, I don't know about you guys,

but I'm tired of Quackerjack's fancy bookkeeping.

We're busting out of this joint. On three. One, two, three!

What about the others, Gos?

Don't worry, we'll come back with help...

...if we can get a certain perfect parent to drop his mop.

- [howling] - They're getting closer.

[sniffing]

Pepperoni... olives...

Thin crust. It's pizza!

This way, guys!

[sniffing]

It's no use! Some big oaf's standing on the grate.

Now where could those... kids have gone?

That's no oaf. That's your dad.

Dad? Dad!

Hey, Dad! Down here, Dad!

Gosalyn Mallard! You come out of there right now, young lady.

I'd be delighted to honor your wishes, Dad,

but some fat oaf's standing on the grate!

Don't you talk to your father that way.

You have some respect! Do I really look fat?

- [howling] - Dad!

We're trapped in here. Quackerjack's got us!

Ow!

- Dad! - Gosalyn!

This is no job for a parent. This is a job for...

No, he retired.

Wait! I can see it now.

The perfect parent protects his progeny.

Darkwing Duck makes smash comeback!

I'm coming, Gos!

Your little friends can watch their ringleader go first.

Ready...

[gulping]

I... sense a need for an apology here.

Ready, aim...

[Darkwing] I am the terror that flaps in the night.

I am the quality time that ruins your playtime.

- I am... - Darkwing Duck!

Oh, now she's on cue.

My, what big guns you have.

Ooh, I'm shaking. Ooh, ooh.

Fire!

[coughing] Ouch.

Eat nutty putty, featherbrain!

Good thing I wore my Teflon suit.

Attack!

I said, attack!

Here's something right up your alley.

Strike!

Save the children.

And remember, turn left when you smell the pizza.

Ew!

Quackster, babe, you really need to seek professional help.

Sucker shot, Quackerjack.

Now suck gas, evildoer.

I'll stop it, Darkwing.

It's playtime!

Bummer. There goes my allowance for a week.

I suddenly have an irresistible urge to yodel.

Whoa!

[yodeling]

I hope you don't think I'm stringing you along.

Could this possibly be more humiliating?

[Quackerjack] Well, who said life's not all fun and games.

Darkwing, catch!

- [Darkwing] Thanks, Gos! - Bummer. There goes college.

The show's over, Geppetto.

[screaming]

[Quackerjack laughing]

I feel like a meatball in a spaghetti dinner.

Hang tight, Dad. I'll get you out.

[laughing]

[gasping]

Bummer. There goes the inheritance.

[rumbling]

[yelling]

[screaming]

[both screaming]

[Quackerjack crying]

My kingdom, broken like a cheap toy!

My career is ruined! There's only one thing to do.

Dad?

Don't play with Quackerjack toys. They're dangerous.

Kiss your tail feathers goodbye.

Kiss this, Quackerjack.

Nice shot, slugger!

Ohhh!

- Not. - Not.

No airbag gets the best of me.

We'll be blown to bits!

No, honey, we'll probably be smothered

before that happens.

Didn't they cover reassuring your child

in that book of yours, Dad?

I must have skimmed that chapter.

I guess this is goodbye.

I tried to be a good parent.

Well, I guess it wouldn't have killed me to wear that stupid fairy costume.

True. But if I hadn't given up crimefighting...

Granted. But if I'd behaved in school...

Gos, can you ever forgive me?

Give me your hand, sweetie. Give me your hand.

- [Darkwing] Wait. What's this? - It's the mouthpiece.

Use your teeth, Dad. That always works.

I've almost got it.

It's coming, it's coming...

Way to go, Dad.

Come on, be honest. I do look fat, don't I?

Come on, folks. I know you're out there.

I can hear you breathing.

Places, people. Places.

Here, Dad. I think you dropped this.

We superheroes have unnaturally keen instincts

on child rearing, don't you think?

- Yeah. - Go get 'em, slugger.