Original subtitles

♪ Daring duck of mystery

♪ Champion of right

♪ Swoops out of the shadows

♪ Darkwing owns the night

♪ Somewhere some villain schemes

♪ But his number's up

♪ 3-2-1

♪ Darkwing Duck

♪ When there's trouble, you call DW

♪ Darkwing Duck

Let's get dangerous.

♪ Darkwing Duck

Darkwing... duck!

♪ Cloud of smoke and he appears

♪ A master of surprise

♪ Who's that cunning mind behind

♪ That shadowy disguise?

♪ Nobody knows for sure

♪ Bad guys are out of luck

♪ 'Cause here comes

♪ Darkwing Duck Look out!

♪ When there's trouble, you call DW

♪ Darkwing Duck

Let's get dangerous.

♪ Darkwing Duck

Better watch out, you bad boys!

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

So, how do you wanna go, Darkwing?

Regular or extra crispy?

What about peacefully, in my sleep,

at an obscenely old age?

Help! Help!

Oh, somebody please help me!

Hold it.

I can't believe this. It's... This is... It's...

It's gripping, isn't it?

We at the Awesome Comic Book Corporation

have the very highest hopes for this issue.

And frankly, Mr. Darkwing, we smell a blockbuster hit.

Heh-heh-heh-heh.

Ohh, it's not hard to smell this thing, sir. Because it stinks!

Is there something wrong with it?

Wrong? Oh, no. Nothing's wrong.

Except absolutely everything.

This thing has nothing to do with reality!

We p-perhaps took some dramatic license

merely to humanize the character, you understand. Ha-ha.

Your dramatic license

has just been revoked!

You see, we felt you might seem too courageous, too daring

and too larger-than-life.

Well, of course. That's what a hero is.

This thing would ruin me. I'd be a laughingstock.

No villain would cower before me again.

Look, bub, little impressionable children all over the world

will be reading this.

How can they pattern their lives after me

if they think I'm a coward?

If you're gonna do a comic book based on my life,

you're gonna do it right!

There's only one person I trust with a job like this,

and that's me.

(Gosalyn groaning) Come on, Dad. I want to see it!

Nobody sees that garbage until I can fix it.

Maybe we can help you, DW.

You can help by leaving me alone! Whew!

I'm gonna need complete concentration to save this fiasco,

because we're looking at a total rewrite here

from page one, word one.

Fortunately, I'm just the one with the honesty

to give it the gritty realism it needs.

In a word, Darkwing Duck was... Hmm.

Does phenomenal have one "F" or two?

The gloriously perfect crime-fighter...

Hmm. The extraordinarily magnificent crime-fighter?

Painfully handsome?

(sighs) So many adjectives, so little time.

Darkwing Duck arrived to investigate

the mysterious disappearance of Safety Inspector Number 16.

Aha! He was obviously blown through his bathroom wall

by some unknown force.

The safety inspector had an accident?

But they're usually so careful.

No, Launchpad. This was no accident.

Hmm. There's something not quite right with this hair dryer.

Well, no wonder, DW. It's not plugged in.

(Darkwing) The hero began by...

Launchpad, I believe this appliance was tampered with.

And then other mysterious accidents began occurring.

Later that evening, a top-ranking official

was attacked by a toaster oven.

Launchpad, there's only one person

capable of creating all these electrical disasters,

and that's my arch-villainous archrival Megavolt.

(knocking)

Get this engine checked, will ya? It's knocking.

I don't remember any engine knocking. Oh, the door.

I made you some lemonade, Dad.

Thought it might get the creative juices flowing.

Thank you, dear.

Molding a literary masterpiece does dry the... throat.

(wheezes)

What's in this?

Just lemons, Dad. Unless those were jalapeños.

Must have been jalapeños.

(muttering) "Later, that...

...toaster oven."

Oh, great, Dad.

This is about as exciting as watching cement dry.

Guess he's just too close to the material.

(cracks knuckles)

Having run out of food on Mars,

the giant flesh-eating slug monster

has come to Earth to satisfy its gruesome appetite.

(growling)

Look out, Darkwing. A giant slug monster from Mars!

(tires squeal)

No, Launchpad, it's a giant flesh-eating slug monster from Mars!

Megavolt will just have to wait

while I save the planet from this menace.

Hi-yah!

Oof!

(laughs)

What a way to go. Done in by a plain old garden pest.

Launchpad, you've given me an idea.

I'll be right back.

Uh, got a couple bucks on ya?

(gurgling)

What's the one thing a slimy, slithering slug fears most?

Common household salt.

Uh, DW, don't I have some change comin'?

Sorry I didn't get a receipt.

(gurgling)

(whimpers)

One order of escargot to go.

Now to take care of that power-hungry Megavolt.

Oh, boy. This is writing. What will I put in next?

Maybe a zombie with a huge ax or a -

I do hate to interrupt, but what are you doing?

I'd love to stay and chat, Dad, but my bike's double-parked.

Oh, I'm gonna have to find someplace I won't be disturbed.

Now, to get my train of thought back on track.

Unless I miss my guess,

that's the sparky spouting of Megavolt himself.

He's playing with the city power lines.

So, plughead is pillaging

the Daylight Savings and Loan, eh?

It's all over, Megavolt.

I'm putting you behind bars in a dry cell.

(Megavolt) Over my dead batteries!

Eat amperes, Duck.

Haven't you heard that crime doesn't pay?

Fools left me no choice.

Just because I missed paying a power bill or two,

they threaten to shut me off

in the middle of the greatest scheme of my career!

Yeah, that'd be just like 'em.

I gotta stop that high-voltage lowlife if it's the last thing I...

Uh, DW? What is it, Launchpad?

Do you know much about washing machines? What?

Well, I was wonderin', if I dropped a box of soap in the washer

and the lid was stuck shut with the thing on "high," what would happen?

I suppose the washer might explode in a mountain of suds.

(boom)

(sighs) I was afraid it'd be something like that.

Stay here, Launchpad, and don't let anybody see that.

Oh, boy. That DW is really somethin',

starrin' in his own comic book, just like Mickey Mouse.

I always liked those Wild Western comic books myself.

Never see those anymore.

Something like Death Valley Duck.

Now, that'd be great.

(Western twang) It's that renegade Big Chief Power Bill.

Say, sidekick... do I sound different to you?

Nope. I reckon you sure enough sound same as ever. Hee-hee-hee.

Well, guess it was just my imagination. (neighs)

Might as well give up, you yellow-bellied sidewinder.

Will be many moons over Miami before Big Chief gives up.

Whoa. The brave's pretty brave for a coward.

Are you a-comin' peaceful-like or am I... Oof!

(sputters, coughs)

What is this? Custard's Last Stand?

Hah. That my assistant - Little Running Gag. Heh-heh.

Surrender, Big Chief.

You're surrounded by an army of 12,000 soldiers.

It's an old military ploy we call lying.

Duck born with silver spoon in mouth speak with forked tongue.

If you can dish it out, I can take it.

Much more of this, I'll have a full place setting.

I'm a-givin' you one kilowatt hour to...

Hee. Then again, considerin' the shoddy treatment

your people have historically received,

perhaps we could drop the whole matter, hmm?

Uhh. Uhh. Ooh, aah.

Launchpad, are you reading my comic book?

Who, me? Yaah!

I gotta find somewhere I can get some privacy.

Where was I? Oh, yeah.

I'd just chased Megavolt to the power company building

where I was going to finish him off and...

Wh-why am I wearing a cowboy hat? Oh, pfft. Must have been a typo.

Ah...

This is it, Megavolt. I'm pulling the plug on you.

That's doubtful, Duck. There's no stopping the unstoppable.

(laughs maniacally)

Because, you see, I've just perfected

my new, improved, patent-pending remote control!

I can now vary the electric company's power output at will.

With controlled power surges,

I can transform all household appliances

into soldiers of my private army.

(Megavolt) Going up?

Whoa! This is what I call an express elevator!

Uh, DW, you sure you know how to... run this thing?

(Megavolt) Going down.

I hope you have - ha-ha-ha - elevator insurance!

(Darkwing and Launchpad scream)

(Darkwing) Let's see, 14 miles up

at something approaching the speed of light.

We could be in for a rough landing, LP.

(both screaming)

(Darkwing and Launchpad screaming)

(woman) Oh, look, Mr. Mallard! Whoo-hoo! Mr. Mallard!

Oh, no. Not that saccharine suburbanite. Mr. Mallard!

Well, there you are. I've been looking all over for you.

Yes, Mrs. Muddlefoot?

Well, I wonder if you might have some ground cinnamon we could borrow? Hmm?

Did Hemingway have this problem?

Of course not.

He didn't live next door to the Muddlefoots.

I'll get you a whole cinnamon tree, Binkie.

Ooh, thank you, but a half a cup will do. (giggles)

Ooh. And what's this?

Why, it's a comic book.

Well, how darling.

(gasps) Ooh. Oh, dear me.

My stars, such violence!

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Why, my stars.

With reading material like this, it's no wonder so many children

grow up to be cruel. despotic dictators!

Now, how can I make this a little less deplorable

and a little more - hee-hee-hee - adorable?

Hee-hee-hee-hee. I know.

It was a beautiful spring morning.

(birds chirping)

And little Mr. Bunny

was as happy as could be.

He happily hip-hopped, hip-hopped

up to Robin Redbreast and said...

Would you mind clearing out of here? I'd like to be alone.

(gasps) Ooh, my goodness, no. He didn't say that.

The little Mr. Bunny turned to the birdie and said...

You don't want to make me lose my temper, do you?

(squawks)

Well, no. No. He didn't say that, either.

(gasps) Ooh. Why, you're back.

And so soon. (nervous laugh)

I guess there's only one place

I can be sure I won't be disturbed.

(slurps) Ahh.

At last. I can finish this thing in peace.

Luckily, we landed softly

in this... this... this...

Say, LP, where are we, anyway?

You got me, DW, but it sure is... cute.

We have to find Megavolt before - Oof!

I may have to hurt that guy.

Aw, don't be too hard on him, DW. He's just a...

I know, I know, I know. He's just a little running gag.

Come on, Launchpad. We have to defuse that maniac Megavolt.

Ha! They call me mad.

They call me insane. They're right.

But I'm running things now! Heh-heh.

Your mad scheme will never work,

you egomaniacal electron.

For your information, it already has.

See, I was on my way over here to pay my power bill

after borrowing money from the bank!

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!

Then I thought, "Why not just take over the place?"

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have a city to dominate!

I did it!

And took a good 17 inches off my waistline in the process.

Now to short-circuit that lunatic.

Come on, Launchpad. Let's get dangerous.

Do we have to get that dangerous, DW?

Couldn't we just take the stai-ai-airs?

Heh-heh-heh. The whole city is mine.

And to think I never even finished reform school.

You again!

That's far enough, sparkplug breath.

Shpeda-hoing!

Gimme that. It's private property.

Attaboy, Darkwing. Get him!

Teach the lousy thug a lesson. Show him who...

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoy!

My masterpiece!

My baby.

Oh, my sweet darling, you're the ampere of my eye.

(muffled)

What's this? A comic book?

A comic book starring Darkwing Duck? What's the world coming to?

(muttering) "...you egomaniacal electron."

No! No, this is wrong, all wrong!

And in definite need of repair.

OK. As Darkwing Duck

and the misunderstood genius Megavolt

struggled for the remote-control device...

I've had all I'm gonna take from you, Duck.

Behold!

I am the new, the improved

mega, maximum, mondo Megavolt!

(stammering)

And you, Duck, are toast!

(teeth chattering)

It would appear, Launchpad,

that our best hope would be... a tactical retreat!

Don't worry, Launchpad.

Megavolt may have superior size,

he may have superior power, but I have superior intellect!

Then again, let's not undersell size and power.

I was wondering what happened to you.

We're safe down here, Launchpad. He's too big to fit in.

(yelling and screaming)

Why can't I get a break? This thing's due tomorrow.

Even the wind's against me.

Hmm, this place looks familiar.

At last, I can tell the story the way it should have happened.

Tampering with my masterpiece, eh?

Ooh! Don't you know how to knock?

Your little game is over, you revolting revisionist!

Give it back so I can finish off the scene where I finish you off!

Wrong. In the last scene, I'm gonna finish you off.

Sorry, pal. This thing's reality-based.

You don't stand a chance against me.

That's what you think, you hackneyed hack!

In this edition, I'm now ten times bigger and more powerful.

No way. Let me see that. Where?

Right there.

What kind of science fiction are you trying to write?

If anything, you ought to be 20 times smaller.

What do you think you're doing? I'm bigger!

Have it your way. I can beat you,

no matter what size shoe you wear. Hee-hee.

(teeth chattering)

(sighs)

Saved by my faithful pet Super Bunny.

Wait a minute.

Since when do I have a faithful pet named Super Bunny?

It's a little early for Easter, isn't it?

Listen, Super B, there's only room

for one hero in this comic book,

and I got the job, so beat it!

Never send a bunny to do a duck's job.

(sizzling)

In here, DW!

Good going, Launchpad. You've -

(gurgling)

...gotten us in an even bigger jam.

I've heard of eating the scenery, but this is ridiculous.

Strange, yes, but I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Hi-ho, Silver! Away!

That's cheating.

Whoa, Silver.

All right, Duck. This is gonna be your final scene.

Looks like he's got us this time, DW!

Ha! I don't know the meaning of the word defeat, Launchpad.

Aha! Just what we need right now -

a refreshing cup of coffee.

Push, Launchpad.

Taste java, battery brain.

Aah!

I've been percolated.

That's not fair. How come you get to win?

Because, villain, it's my comic book.

I'd love to chew the fat, babe, but I'm late for a date with comic-book immortality.

See ya in the funny papers, pal.

Uh, well... Yes?

I hate it! No!

Yes. I'm also repelled, repulsed,

reviled and revolted by it.

In addition, I loath and abhor it.

Not to mention despising and detesting it! However...

H-However?

However, I am intrigued by the rabbit character

and plan to spin off a new comic book -

The Adventures of Super Bunny!

B-B-B-B-Bunny? R-R-R-R-Rabbit?

Why, of all the... (clears throat)

Sir, I have only one response to this development.

(whistles)

Come, come, Little Running Gag.

Let's see if we can sell this epic to Disney.

Maybe they'll make a TV series out of it.

♪ Darkwing Duck

♪ Darkwing Duck

♪ Darkwing Duck

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪