Original subtitles

"It stands to reason that Ms. Hastings

"comes from the pharmaceutical industry

because the Ponderosa made me feel sick."

That doesn't even make sense.

Drugs stop you from feeling sick.

It's lazy. It's lazy reporting.

There is a whole civil war in Syria,

and this is what they choose to write about.

This is a magazine about the auto industry,

so there is not a lot about Syria.

And we actually sell quite a lot of cars to Syria.

Bashar al-Assad has a 1976 Payne Condor,

so there's a Syria link.

Well, no, look. Parts of it are pretty good.

- Like what? - "The fact that Hastings

"was able to stand on stage

"with a straight face during the debacle

showed a level of acting on par with Meryl Streep."

- How is that good? - I mean... Meryl Streep.

All right. Can we get them to take this down?

How would I do that?

Don't Communications people

have good relationships with reporters?

Like, maybe he's someone you used to date

and you meet up at a hotel bar.

You ask him to lay off as a personal favor.

Maybe you get a room after, for old time's sake.

I think if we make a big deal about this,

we're just going to keep it in the news longer.

So what are you suggesting? That we just do nothing?

Let's just wait a beat.

There's always another news story around the corner.

♪ Bom bom bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

*AMERICAN AUTO

Season 01 Episode 02 Episode Title: "VWhite Van"

Guys.

Guys, guys.

I need you to fax me those contracts by 3:00 p.m.

No, don't make any excuses. Don't make any excuses.

I need you to fax those contracts by 3:00 p.m.

Okay, so fax the contracts.

Hey, um, you have a minute?

- I do if you do. - Okay, cool, um...

What do I do?

You're gonna have to be more specific.

Okay. So when Katherine moved me up here,

she never actually said what I'm supposed to be doing.

And I don't want to ask her, 'cause if she thinks

I'm already supposed to know what I should be doing,

then it's gonna look like I don't know what I'm doing.

- Does that make sense? - Barely.

So what have you been doing all day?

Well, I, um, I walk around.

- Mm-hmm. - I photocopy

blank sheets of paper.

I just had a very, very important business call

with my grandma's voicemail.

- I heard that. - She'll be okay, though.

I'm the one that checks it for her.

Well, just an FYI, we don't really fax contracts anymore.

- Really? - Did you see the...

- Oh. - Sorry. Am I interrupting?

No, we were just talking about e-mail.

No, no, no. Just work stuff.

"Autoblog" says, "Hasty Hastings' Premature Launch."

So much for the story going away on its own.

Just wait. It's been like an hour.

Well, you know what they say about those who wait.

Good things come to them?

Not this time. Meeting. Five minutes.

Okay.

So I don't know if you guys have read

some of the negative press we've been getting?

It's really bad... they're calling her the Pharma-Ho.

Sorry, where does it say that?

It's in some of the comments.

Okay, we need to change the story,

so I set up an interview with "Point on Detroit."

You set an interview without telling me?

Yes. I didn't realize I needed your permission.

You didn't need my permission. It's fine.

Okay. What's a positive story that we can announce?

- Mmm... - Um...

- Positive... - Uh...

Come on, people, someone has to have some good news.

Oh, my grandma just had her 90th birthday.

- Okay. - Yeah. We were waiting

for a nice round number before we can unplug, you know?

She's been losing it up here for years.

Okay. Well, anything else.

Maybe something company related?

Oh, uh, we can announce that we're opening up

a new truck plant in Joplin. That's 7,000 new jobs,

plus it'll be the first carbon-neutral large-scale

manufacturing site in North America.

Well, thank you, Wesley.

- I'm sorry. What truck plant? - I don't know.

We'd have to open up some kind of truck plant.

No idea how you'd make it carbon-neutral.

That's a big swing.

That's great. Super helpful.

Well, at least he's pitching

and not just sitting there being all tall.

I am an attorney, okay? We don't deal in good news.

We've just been subpoenaed. Do we wanna put that out there?

Subpoenaed? Are we being sued?

Oh, no. Well, yes.

We're getting sued by literally thousands of people every day.

No, this is actually just the FBI

are after some location data. Apparently,

there's a serial killer driving a Payne Magellan.

- Great. - Serial killer?

- What kind of serial killer? - What kinds are there?

Well, there is four main types.

There's thrill seekers, mission-oriented, visionary,

and power and control.

You're weird. That's weird that you know that.

How would we have his location data?

Do we bug our cars?

- No. - Kinda.

Any car with a nav system

has to connect to a satellite,

so we can technically find any car bought after 2002.

It's called telematics.

I can walk you through how it works if you want.

Oh, no. I definitely don't want that.

Okay, great. We will use that though.

You wanna publicize that there is a serial killer

- who's driving one of our cars? - No.

I want to announce that we are gonna help the FBI

track down a menace to society.

Boom! Who's your Pharma-Bitch now?

It was Pharma-Ho. Pharma-Bitch is like

misogynistic, and that's gross, so don't say that.

She's going on TV.

Good. That's good.

Jackpot! "Making the copies."

You remember that? Whatcha copying?

Ah, nothing. Nothing.

Well, not nothing. It's just confidential.

Discretion. I like it.

All these kids fresh out of business school,

blabbing on and on about what they're doing.

Right, right, right. Yeah, it's like exactly.

I'm really impressed by you, man.

Guy from the assembly line jumps right into the deep end

with all these sharks.

With a little bit of guidance, I think you could go far.

I mean, if that's something you want.

Yeah! Yes, definitely.

- Thank you. - Okay.

- Thank you so much. - "Mini-Me."

Is it cool if I call you that?

- Do you have to? - We'll play around with it.

A mystery baker has been leaving desserts...

What are you watching?

Katherine's about to be interviewed.

I think it's a mistake,

but apparently she doesn't care what I think.

Give her time. You have to earn her trust.

How? How do I do that?

She won't listen to anything I say.

Well, maybe don't always say the opposite

of what she wants to do.

Figure out what she wants and then suggest that.

So just kiss her ass?

More like predict which way her ass is headed,

and then have your lips planted in that general vicinity.

Payne Motors unveiled the Ponderosa

to less than stellar reviews.

And we're joined by the new CEO of Payne, Katherine Hastings.

- Katherine, welcome. - Hey, guys.

Pleasure to be talking with you.

So coming from the pharmaceutical industry,

some of these articles

must have been a tough pill to swallow.

Yeah. I sure wish that I had some sugar

to make that medicine go down.

- Sure. - Well, is it possible

that your experience in pharma

just doesn't translate to cars?

You know, it's a learning curve.

For example, at my last job, the FBI never asked me

to help them catch a serial killer.

- A serial killer? - Yeah.

Apparently this guys has murdered at least 12 people.

He drives a Magellan,

so the FBI asked for our help in tracking him down.

And you're just giving up that information?

It seems like there might be a privacy concern with that.

- Yeah, well... - Seems like there might be.

But, well, this guy, you know, killed 12 people, so...

So if he killed 11 people, you wouldn't be cooperating?

Yeah. At what point do you violate the privacy

of your customers? It's a slippery slope.

Well, no. I said that the FBI had requested this information.

I didn't say that we were just handing it over.

So you're fighting the subpoena?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. We are fighting it. We are...

We are fighting it for the people.

Wow. That's news.

- Yeah, yeah. - And you heard it here first.

Payne Motors standing up to the United States government

in order to protect serial murderer Johnny Turner.

What? I'm sorry?

Next up, we'll delve into the life

and crimes of Johnny Turner, AKA The Michigan Monster.

- Oh, my God. - Who will be his next victim?

Stay tuned.

- We're clear. - Could I...

I need to talk to a producer about...

Just so we can make some cuts.

Well, the good news is

no one's talking about the Ponderosa anymore.

Yeah. Before, some niche trade journals

said I had a bad car.

Now CNN is accusing me of protecting a mass murderer.

It's not even accurate.

He's a serial killer, not a mass murderer.

What's the difference?

Mass murderers

kill a bunch of people at the same time.

Serial killers need a cooling off period.

Okay, yes, it was a bad interview

which I advised you not to do, but let's not overreact.

It's not like anyone's saying she's pro-murderer.

Actually, I've been getting

a few calls asking your position on murder.

I hope you said that I was against it.

I said, "I don't know, but I'll check."

I mean, look, from a legal perspective, okay,

it's not like this guy has been convicted of anything yet.

I mean, what are we supposed to do,

hand out every alleged murderers' info?

That's true. There's no proof he even did anything.

They found a bunch of skins in his shed.

He was skinning people?

Before or after he killed them?

What's the difference?

Well, before is worse.

Even if he did do it,

maybe he only kills evil people who deserve to die,

like, maybe he's a Dexter or something.

- Ooh... - You want me to check

- if he's a Dexter? - Yeah, would you?

Well, I'd just be concerned that claiming the people

he killed deserved to die might come off as victim-blaming.

Well, what would you suggest? We just wait for it to pass?

Because waiting is not going to

bring those 12 people back from the dead.

I didn't realize that was the goal here.

I hate to bring this up, but are we

- complying with the subpoena? - Yes!

No! I just announced that we were fighting it.

Backing down makes me look indecisive.

Would you rather look indecisive

or be an accessory to murder after the fact?

- I don't know. It's hard. - Is it?

Is there any way to fight the subpoena

but also hand over the location data?

Right, so that's, I mean... That's two separate things.

Right. But, I mean, we've got to walk

and chew gum at the same time, right?

Yeah, I get it. I mean, it's more like walking

while also simultaneously refusing to walk.

- Do you see what I mean? - Mm-mm.

What if he killed a bunch of people on the same day,

but in different locations?

Does that make him a mass murderer or a serial killer?

That's actually a spree killer.

Why do you know so much about serial killers?

I read.

Oh, wow.

You already have a corner office?

Men do have it easier.

Funny, funny. No, Wesley's having me do some redecorating.

He's kind of taking me under his wing.

Wesley. Yeah, he does that sometimes.

He... does what?

He'll grab a hapless new guy and basically appropriate him.

He gets an assistant, and you get the opportunity

to be taken advantage of by an idiot.

What are you talking about?

Isn't he like big time around here?

Wesley? No. He shares a name

with the founder of the company, but that is it.

The guy doesn't even have an office.

Like, he's squatting in here while Jin's on vacation.

Didn't you wonder why there's so many pictures

of an Asian family in here?

- Come on. - Jack.

You don't have to enjoy it so much.

I'm enjoying it a little bit.

Hey. Whatever you guys are doing,

could you not do it in Jin's office?

- No, no. Just a... - We were just...

It's an office, not a motel.

Unfortunately, the policy of Payne Motors is now

not to hand over GPS information.

- You're fighting the subpoena? - To be clear,

the location of the vehicle is on this computer...

But we can't show it to you.

But do understand that this doesn't reflect our beliefs.

Fine. We'll take you to court.

Could have told this on the phone.

We feel terrible.

I don't know how we can look ourselves in the mirror.

Hey, Jeremy, the suspect is headed eastbound on I-94.

- Westbound. - It's reversed.

Westbound. Thank you.

Jack-of-all-trades.

Hey, I need you to make a doctor's appointment for me.

You know what?

I would, but, like, right now I'm just...

Don't spread that number around... he's concierge.

There's only, like, five guys in the world with access.

Yeah.

Uhh!

Hi. I need to schedule an appointment

for Wesley Payne.

23rd work?

Is there any way they can see me earlier?

Yeah, do you have anything just a little bit sooner?

She wants to know is it an emergency or...

Just have her put the doctor on.

Okay. Can he just speak to the doctor?

I don't want some, like, receptionist

hearing all the sordid details.

- I get it. I'm... - Go to the source.

Dr. Rossinow? Yeah, yeah. Just a sec.

No, you're good. You're good. Tell him for the last 2 days,

whenever I masturbate, nothing comes out.

Tell him.

Yes. Yes.

When Mr. Payne, um......

when he masturbates, nothing comes out.

Nothing.

Hey, Katherine.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

- Oh, mm-hmm. - Yeah.

So I know you don't really know me yet,

but I'm a professional and...

All I ask is that you don't have sex in the office.

I know some women need it more than others, but it's...

No, that's not... A different conversation.

I mean, I get that we don't have the same way

of approaching things, but if you could just trust me...

Oh, there's a massive hurricane headed towards Aruba.

- Are you happy about this? - It's all over the news.

No one's talking about us anymore.

- Are they okay? - I don't know.

You know what? Maybe you were right.

Maybe the better move was just to wait it out.

Oh, yeah. Well, the best way to stay out of the news

is do not make the news.

I always say that communications

isn't just about what's said.

It's also what's unsaid, you know?

What's going on?

...the Michigan Monster in his white Payne Magellan.

Well, we're only about 20 minutes in,

but if it's anything like O.J. in '94,

we're gonna be talking about this for quite a while.

Hour two of the police pursuit of the white Payne...

The same Payne Magellan

that he used to abduct and skin his...

The police pursuit for the Payne Magellan will...

Why do they have keep referring

to the make of the car?

The guy literally peeled a dozen people,

but what America wants to know is what's he driving?

I don't get how we're responsible for this.

I mean, we just sold him the car.

We can't control what he does with it.

It's just bad press. It looks bad.

I actually agree with Cyrus, you know?

I mean, the car didn't kill anyone, okay?

We're blameless, like gun manufacturers after a shooting.

- Okay, yeah, this looks bad. - Yeah.

Maybe we should just discontinue the whole line.

Or make them murder-proof.

How do you murder-proof a car?

Well, you start by telling your chief product designer

to make them murder-proof, and then when he says

he can't do it, you hire someone who can.

- Burn! - Maybe we should have

the car dealers start doing background checks.

Stop selling them to serial killers.

Right, but no one knows what serial killers look like.

- Well, there are signs. - Yeah. The mustache.

Members Only jacket.

Sometimes they dress up like a clown.

We are not stopping selling cars to clowns, all right?

Not all clowns are serial killers.

Most of them are.

Of course most of them are, but I'm saying not all of them.

I'm sorry. Can I just say something about this?

No, no, no. Let me guess.

"Let's not do anything. Let's just sit back and pray

that another hurricane hits a tropical island."

Um... no.

Actually, I was going to say we should do a full media blitz.

We should issue statements, get the families on record

saying they don't blame us for the murders

and, you know, full-court press.

Well, all right. Finally. Welcome to the team.

Good.

Hi. Is this Brian Redcorn?

Hi. I'm calling from Payne Motors.

I understand your dad was one of the men

whose skin was found in the torture shed,

and I just want to say how sorry we are here at...

Oh. Yeah. I just assumed you had been informed.

Juh-juh-juh-jackhammer.

Hey, I'm craving some Khanom Chan.

It's like this Thai layered Jell-O.

FYI, this place is in a very sketchy neighborhood.

Is there, like,

any way that somebody else can just maybe get it for you?

What do you mean? Like, you don't want to, or...

No, no, no! Psss! No, no.

I mean, it's just that Elliott's

having me do some stuff for him.

Yeah. On a deadline with these here contracts.

- Oh. - Yeah.

You know, otherwise, I would love to.

- Oh, yeah. - I would love to, but...

No, I totally get it. No, no. You're busy.

It's totally cool. Yeah. We're good.

- Yeah. - We're good. Yeah. Awesome.

- You're sure? I mean... - Cool.

Hey, Brit-Dick.

Don't ever give Jack another assignment,

or next time those files will be your face.

It's my pen now.

No, it's my grandfather's pen.

Excuse me.

The rear panels would be see-through,

and the cargo areas would all be equipped with these.

Oh, wow. Oh, that's cool. Yeah.

Okay. I found a widow who was willing to put out a statement

absolving us of responsibility.

And her husband was a pastor at his church.

- He killed a pastor? - That's perfect for us.

It's like God himself is forgiving us.

Well, God kind of forgives everyone.

That's really his whole thing.

And I was thinking if you wanted to make

like a big deal of this,

we could invite the media to her house

and the two of you could give a joint press conference.

- Interesting. - Hold on.

This woman just found out

that her husband was killed and skinned alive.

Well, we don't know if he was alive.

Sorry, Dori. Killed and skinned dead.

Do we really want to exploit her as a PR stunt?

Yeah. What if we also gave her a brand-new car?

Oh, I like that. It's like a condolence call

meets the Publishers Clearing House Prize Patrol.

Yeah. Love it. Love that.

Great. Set it up. Nice work, Sadie.

Help. I am being abducted.

Ayuda.

- Me están secuestrando. - Sorry.

This right here, this is Clive fishing.

Oh, he loved to fish.

Well... ahem... I bet he's fishing in heaven right now.

Just up there, you know, fishing on a cloud.

I'd like to donate his skin.

Like, maybe to someone who lost their skin in a fire.

So they would just sort of

put that guy's body in your husband's skin?

Wouldn't that be something?

Mmm.

Like a firefighter out there,

looking just like Clive, putting out fires.

Well, that is a beautiful sentiment.

Would you excuse me just for one moment, please?

- Thank you. - Clive wasn't a tall man,

but he was big around the middle,

so I think his skin would fit a fireman about 6'2".

Sounds hot.

I don't know how much longer

I can keep talking to Rube Von Bumpkin over there.

Right. Well, the press is setting up outside.

Also, there has been an 18% spike

in consumer interest in the Magellan.

For the murder van?

There's been so much news coverage.

It's like people think,

"Well, if it's fast enough to outrun the police..."

We have to take advantage of this.

I know!

So fishing, huh? That is fun!

Jackknife.

Hey.

Uh, yeah.

- Khanom Chan. I got you one. - Ah, no thanks. No thanks.

I'm not hungry. I'm full, but...

Have a look.

I don't, um... I don't get it.

It's a present.

You got me a necklace with your name on it?

Yeah. Now no one will give you assignments anymore,

because everyone will know you're mine.

Oh, no. Ha ha ha ha.

No. No.

I'm done. I tried. No.

- No! - If he don't want it,

- I'll take it. - Yeah, fine. Who cares.

You know someone named Wesley?

No. I know a guy at a pawn shop though.

He don't have no name.

Clive Judson was a hero.

He was a symbol of what we stand for.

Which is why I came here today to express my sympathies

to his lovely wife, and also to present her

with a 2022 Payne Magellan, fully loaded.

Oh, this is so wrong.

Well, you were the one who was all just like,

"Put your lips where her ass is going to be."

Yeah, I meant agree with her, not take advantage

of a sad widow who just wants to be allowed to grieve

and dress rescue workers up in her husband's skin.

So, Clive, if you're out there, we're with you,

because Payne Motors truly has the Power to Move.

Thank you for those kind words.

My Clive was a pastor, and he preached core values,

values that I'm sure Katherine shares.

I do.

He preached to love your neighbor.

He preached honesty.

The sanctity of family. The sin of homosexuality.

- Oh, uh... - Did she...

I'm sorry. So Mrs. Judson is clearly grieving,

- so we're going to wrap... - Clive's life was spent

fighting the homosexual agenda in all its forms.

Okay, okay. Thank you. The press conference is over.

This is over. Thank you.

And I promise to use this vehicle

- to continue Clive's legacy... - Which way do we go?

Did anybody bother to vet this woman?

Of preaching to the perverts and the sodomites

that what awaits them is far worse than just a skinning.

Well, that ruined my fireman fantasy.

- Yeah, same. - Hmm.

Oh, they caught him.

And the guy he kidnapped is still alive.

- Yay. - That's great.

Should we put out a statement?

I don't know. I trust your instincts.

What do you think I should do?

Umm. I don't think we need to respond.

- Yeah. Okay. Let it go. - Mm-hmm.

We could do a nationwide sale,

the Payne "Save Your Skin" Day, or...

Yeah. No. It's nothing. Just leave it.