Original subtitles

After the kid goes back to his mother's, you wanna go out and grab some dinner?

I can't go out to dinner, Charlie.

Why not? You got a date?

He said knowing the answer, but asking anyway just to be polite.

I don't have a date.

He replied, all the while thinking, "Bite me, you booze-addled buffoon."

So why can't you go?

Are you kidding? I'm paying alimony to two women.

I don't have money for luxuries like eating out.

Or eating in, really.

I'm trying to learn to chew my own cud.

- That's all right. I'll treat. - No, you've done too much already.

Yeah, but it's not like I'm keeping a tab, $26,382.

To date.

Exactly. So I need to start carrying my own weight.

Which is actually getting easier now that I'm wasting away.

- Stop feeling sorry for yourself. - I'm not feeling sorry for myself.

I'll find something here to eat. Maybe some scrambled eggs and a Popsicle.

Fine. See you later.

All right, I'm only gonna ask you one more time.

- Would you like to have dinner with me? - That depends.

- Where are we going? - Oh, for God's sake.

What? I don't even get a vote?

You don't get a vote, you get a free meal.

Well, if I was one of your dates, you'd ask where I wanted to go.

You're right.

So where do you wanna go, baby?

That's very funny.

No, no, no, let's get something hot in you and then get something hot in you.

Knock it off.

Gee, you smell good.

You know what? Okay, I'll just stay here and have a Popsicle.

Oh, you'll be getting the Popsicle.

Fine, fine, fine. Okay, you pick the restaurant.

Thank you. How about sushi?

Ugh. Not a big fan.

Oh, that's Judith. Keep thinking.

Jake, your mother's here.

Hey, that Popsicle almost-

- Hello. - Hi. Yeah, he'll be right out.

Do me a favor and take them both.

- Hey, Mom. - Hey, honey. Would you wait in the car?

- Who's in trouble? Me or Dad? - No one's in trouble.

It's you.

If you're gonna chew my ass off...

...just know I'm planning on having it for breakfast tomorrow.

No, you didn't do anything, Alan.

I just, uh- I wanted to let you know that, uh-

Boy, this is awkward. Um...

Remember I was dating Jake's pediatrician?

Yeah, yeah, Melnick. Uh, what about him?

Well, we started seeing each other again and it's gotten serious.

Oh, how serious?

He asked me to marry him and I said yes.

Oh. Wow.

I-

I don't know what to say. Um...

I guess, congratulations.

Thank you. I just wanted to let you know before we told Jake.

Sure. Sure. I appreciate it.

It's kind of weird, isn't it? I mean, we spent so many years together.

It's hard for me to think of you married to somebody else.

Yeah.

Still, I wish you the best, though.

Oh, I know you do. Thank you.

- Well, bye. - Bye.

Five, six, seven, eight.

No more alimony

No more alimony

No more alimony

No more alimony

You know the problem with sushi?

You mean, besides eating it with you?

It's all fleshy and flappy and wet.

Feels unnatural against my tongue.

- Hey, Alan? - What?

I think I know why your marriages didn't work out.

Oh, stop it. Now, speaking of marriages...

...the next time we go out to dinner, it'll be on me.

Because with Judith getting married again...

...I'll have...

Five, six, seven, eight.

No more alimony

No more alimony

No more alimo-

Hey, Dad.

What are you doing here?

- And how'd you get in? - Rose let me in.

Hey, guys.

How was dinner?

Forget dinner. What are you doing here?

Keeping Jake company.

But if you let him in, you had to have been here before him.

Well, yeah.

But if Jake hadn't shown up...

...I'd be gone by now and you'd never know I was here.

So, what, you just waltz in and make yourself at home whenever I'm out?

That's not true.

Sometimes you're upstairs asleep.

Wait, let's go back here.

- Jake, why aren't you at your mother's? - I ran away.

Sometimes you're in the shower.

Rose, please. Why did you run away?

Because I hate it there.

Is this about the upcoming nuptials?

It's nothing to do with puberty, Dad.

It's about Mom getting married.

- I thought you liked Dr. Melnick. - That was when they were just dating.

Now he thinks he can tell me what to do. He's not my father.

- You don't do what I tell you to do. - Yeah, but Mom doesn't care about that.

Alan, if I could just interrupt for one sec.

How do you keep getting in? I've changed the locks three times.

Yes. But you didn't change the locksmith.

I could recommend somebody.

Good night, Rose.

I replace everything I eat.

- Good night. - You know how I do it?

I keep an exact duplicate fridge at my house.

- Good night, Rose. - By the way, we're out of Popsicles.

I'm gonna call your mother. She's probably worried sick.

She's probably in the hot tub with Dr. Melnick.

How'd you get here? You steal a car or something?

How can I steal a car? I'm 12.

You kids these days. No imagination.

- I took the bus. - In L.A.? At night?

You would've been safer stealing a car.

What's your plan? Where are you headed?

I'm gonna stay here.

Oh, you can't stay here.

- Why not? - Because you're running away.

Away, according to the dictionary, means "not here."

It's usually preceded by the words "far, far"...

...or in your case, "go."

Oh, come on. Why can't I live with you guys?

Oh, Jake, do you have any idea how much I have to clean up my act...

...when you're here?

What are you talking about?

I see you drink, gamble, you have strange girls sleep over.

Uh-huh. Drop in unannounced on a Wednesday and you'll be scarred for life.

I hope you're proud of yourself. Your mother's crying.

Good.

Hey.

- Don't be mean to your mother. - You're mean to your mom.

My mother can take it.

She actually feeds on it.

She wanted me to tell you that she loves you more than anything...

...she and Dr. Melnick aren't gonna get married...

...until you've had time to adjust to the idea.

Then they'll never get married, because I'm never gonna adjust to it.

- Five, six, seven- - Shut up.

I am a little surprised at you. I'd think you'd want your mom to be happy.

Hey, she can be happy all she wants...

...I just don't need some jerk pretending he's my dad.

Oh, why not?

Because I already have a dad.

And he's already a jerk.

All right, buddy.

I'm gonna have to tell you something pretty heavy.

But I think it's something that you're old enough to understand.

You can do better than me.

Way better.

Did you know that I'm not even a real doctor?

But Dr. Melnick is.

- So what? - So what? Are you kidding?

He makes more money. He can buy you better presents than I can.

Don't underestimate the value of having a prescription pad lying around the house.

- Charlie. - You know, if someone gets sick.

Or bored.

But I only need one dad.

And you'll only have one dad.

But there's nothing that says you can't call him "Dad" and me "Alan."

We'll still know who's who.

I'm getting a little misty.

Forget it. I'm never gonna like him.

May I suggest you try a more, shall we say, practical approach?

Jake, how much does your mom give you for allowance?

Ten dollars a week.

Okay.

Uh... I'm gonna write down some figures here and you tell me to stop...

...when you see a number that makes you feel a little warmer toward Dr. Melnick.

I was so worried about you, don't you ever do that again.

- Thanks for bringing him back. - No problem.

- Isn't there something you wanna say? - Yeah.

I love you, Dr. Melnick.

Let's get you to bed.

- You've got school in the morning- - Hang on.

Night, Dad. See you, Alan.

Night, buddy.

Boy, he's really warming up to you.

Yeah. Listen, have you and Judith ever discussed...

...putting Jake on any sort of medication?

Why? What do you got?

No, no. We haven't. Why?

One minute he hates me, the next minute he loves me.

Those kind of mood swings aren't normal.

Oh, no, no, no, don't worry about that.

That's not an emotional problem. That's more like, uh-

A kind of, uh-

- Charlie? - We paid him to like you.

- You what? - And it cost less than you might think.

But that's a good thing. A bribable child is a controllable child.

Plus, he's not too bright, so you can lie to him all you want.

- Charlie. - Oh, come on.

Until he was 10, I had him convinced that swizzle sticks were money.

Hey, hey, uh, speaking of swizzle sticks.

Have you guys considered eloping to Vegas?

- No- - I know what you're thinking.

"Tacky, tacky," but actually, it isn't. It's classy and very romantic.

Yeah, some of the hotel rooms have those big mirrored walls.

It's like watching your ass bob up and down in IMAX.

Oh.

We're gonna put things on hold for a little while.

- Why? You love Judith, don't you? - Of course. She's a great woman.

How's the sex?

That's a little personal, isn't it?

Hey, I didn't ask which way you point her.

I wanna make sure you two kids are compatible.

Oh, well, there's no problem in that area.

See, Alan? It was you.

That's me. The original one-pump chump. Ha.

So I hear.

The thing is, I'm just not sure I'm ready to be a stepfather.

Oh, sure you are. You'll be terrific, right?

As long as there's food, and money in your wallet...

...you'll own the little peckerhead.

Poor baby was exhausted. He fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

- Another plus. Sound sleeper. - Yeah, nothing wakes that kid up.

I've had some real screamers at my place.

It's getting late. I'd like to go to bed.

Why don't you do that? Listen, fatherhood is no big deal.

Truth is, with the Internet and everything, they practically raise themselves.

Alan.

You go ahead, honey. I'll be in a second.

I don't know. I just think I need some time to get used to the idea.

No, no, no. Don't think about it.

Parenthood is like skydiving. You gotta jump out of the old plane.

And get sucked into the old propeller.

A propeller of love.

Hey, listen, why don't we go out and talk about this over a couple of beers?

Oh. Thanks. I really enjoy spending time with you fellas, but I don't really drink.

That's okay, neither do I.

Well, okay, sure. Let me just tell Judith I'm leaving.

- That's okay. I'll tell her. We're leaving. - Good.

Let's go.

My first wife and I tried to have kids, but it just didn't happen.

Then when she got sick and passed away, I didn't think I'd ever have a family.

- Oh, that's so sad. - Yeah.

Who was shooting blanks, you or her?

That doesn't matter. What matters is that he's starting fresh with Judith.

A live woman of proven fertility.

What good does that do if he's packing a starter's pistol?

I'm fine.

You hear that? He's fine. Jake can have a little brother.

- That would be a blessing from heaven. - Oh, I don't know if I want more kids.

Then wear a condom.

Besides, Jake's used to being an only child.

If there was a new one, he'd probably eat it by mistake.

So, Herb, you haven't touched your beer.

Oh, well, like I said, I'm not much of a drinker.

Then we need a drinking game.

How about this? Each time Alan shoots me a dirty look, we all take a drink.

Oop. And here we go.

You guys are great guys.

I love you guys.

You know why? Because you're great.

You know, Herb, I wish more women held their liquor the way you do.

Thank you.

I would like to propose a toast.

- To Jake. - Ah, Jake's great.

- And to Judith. - Absolutely. Judith's great too.

And to your upcoming marriage.

Ah, sure. What the hell.

You know what I never had?

A second beer?

No, no, a bachelor party.

Me neither. Thanks to my brother.

Oop. Bottoms up.

Mm.

Hey, why don't we make this your bachelor party?

You know, one last big blowout with your friends before you get married.

- But my friends aren't here. - What about us? We're your friends.

We wish you well, right, Charlie?

Well.

Oh, come on, what do you say?

I don't know. I mean...

...if this is a bachelor party...

...wouldn't there be a couple strippers?

- Charlie? - I'm on it.

He's gonna make a great stepdad for Jake.

Yeah, whatever.

And with the alimony I save, I can go out to eat every night.

In restaurants. And I'm not talking early-bird special.

I can eat when it's dark out with people my own age.

- Hey, does your cell phone have video? - Yeah, why?

Observe.

What are you doing?

Just in case he decides to back out of the wedding.

- That's blackmail. - So?

I like it.

CHARLIE: Hey, Herb.

Attaboy. You dumb bastard.

Uh-oh. It's Judith.

Why is she calling me at this hour?

Hello?

Of course it's me. Who were you expecting?

Oh, my God, this is Herb's phone.

Uh, Herb is in the bathroom.

Yeah, we were just having a couple of beers and getting to know each other.

Well, with all due respect, Judith, before we got married, I didn't drink either.

Hey, hey. There is no call for that kind of language.

What? I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

Yeah, I think this phone is...

...running out of batteries.

I said this phone is running out of batteries.

Goodbye, Judith.

Think she bought it?

If she did...

...she's stupider than you.

Excuse me, fellas.

- Can either of you cash a check for me? - Why?

I'd like to tip the ladies.

No, no, forget the tip. We gotta get you home.

Pssh. Why would I go home when for a extra 300 bucks...

...I can go all around the world?

He's got a point, Alan.

Herb, listen to me. Your fianc�e is worried about you.

Oh. Right.

Golly, she's gonna be pretty PO'd.

- It's okay. She doesn't need to know. - That's right. She doesn't need to know.

Can I borrow $300?

- What are you doing? - Call it a wedding gift.

- Are you crazy? I've gotta get him home. - So take him home.

What are you gonna do?

I'm thinking, maybe I'll go around the world.

God knows I've racked up enough frequent-flier miles.

Herb?

Herb?

Herb?

Charlie, you're gonna have to help me take him home- Charlie?

- You have a key? - No, I don't have a key.

- Maybe he's got a key. - Wanna go through his pockets?

Not particularly.

Why don't we leave him on the porch, ring the bell and run?

He's not a bag of flaming dog poo.

No, that was Judith's first husband.

Oop. Dirty look. Where's my beer?

All right, all right, I'll go through his pockets.

Ahh. Judith.

What the hell is going on here?

Well, that was close.

No, it wasn't close.

Close is when you get away with it. That was nowhere near close.

All right, all right, it doesn't matter.

He had a good time, he's gonna marry Judith...

...and I'm off the hook for alimony.

That's true.

- Hey, Alan? - Yeah?

You did erase the video from his cell phone, right?

Oh, boy, it'd be really stupid if I didn't.

Yes, it would.

Hey, Herb. Attaboy.

You dumb bastard.

- Here you go. - Thank you.

Enjoy.

Okay, so that's one root beer...

...and one orange soda.