Original subtitles

[♪]

What's up?

Yeah, what's happened, Tiska? What's up?

Yeah, what's happened, Tiska?

Listen to this: "Tiska, Taska, and Baska Jones,

"our triple wedding must be postponed indefinitely.

"not returning to port today. Have been ordered to Honolulu.

See you in a few months, love Tom, Dick, and Harry."

If we're not married by midnight tonight,

we can kiss the $10 million legacy goodbye.

We're sunk.

No, you're not. A smart lawyer's never sunk.

I read about the fleet going to Honolulu,

so I figured out a little plan to save your inheritance.

Well, let's have it.

Simple. Today you marry three convicts.

Tomorrow they hang.

You get your $10 million, minus my fee, of course,

and you're free to marry your boyfriends.

Nice, huh?

But what about the convicts?

Yeah, how about that?

There they are.

ALL: Ooh.

They can't hang us. We're innocent.

We're innocent, I tell you.

You're telling me.

Well, they're gonna hang us.

Oh, no.

No. I'm too young to die.

I'm too young and too handsome.

[GRUNTS]

Well, I'm too young.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Hold that.

Oh, thank you.

Listen, you, we got 24 hours to live.

Think. Think. Think.

[JACKHAMMER HAMMERING]

Attaboy.

Attaboy. Think it up.

I got it. What?

A terrific headache.

Ha-ha, he stuck--

Come on.

Listen, we gotta get out of here.

If we only had a saw.

Hey, what about these?

Wow. Where'd you get these?

I save bottle tops.

Is this a musical saw?

Certainly. It plays "I Hear a 'Ripsody.'" Is this a musical saw?

Certainly. It plays "I Hear a 'Ripsody.'"

[CRIES OUT]

That was a "rhapsody" in the kisser.

Come on. Get on those bars, quick.

[SAWWING]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Let a guy that can saw see... saw?

[EXHALING]

♪ Oh, give me a home Where the buffalo roam ♪

♪ And the deer and the antelope Are pla-a-a-ying ♪

Hey.

On your guard.

[CRIES OUT]

Oh. Oh. Oh, look.

You ruined the saw.

Gimme that. [DOOR OPENS]

Gentlemen, my name is Diggins. I'm a lawyer.

This is Tiska, Taska, and Baska Jones.

STOOGES: How do you do?

ALL: Would you marry us?

Will we? Oh, boy.

Start the ceremony. Nyuck, nyuck.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Oh, boy. We're married.

Brother-in-laws. Niagara Falls.

Hey, wait!

Bamboozle. How do you like that?

No wedding kiss.

Happy honeymoon, gentlemen.

Well, I'll be hanged.

DIGGINS: You will.

Nyuh-uh-uh-uh.

You had to bring that up?

Stop it.

Howdy, folks, howdy.

This is your old friend Bill Stein,

bringing you a jerk-by-jerk description

of the triple hanging of the mushroom murder mob.

This broadcast is coming to you from Hangemall Prison.

We're at the gallows' side,

and it's a beautiful day for a hanging.

Peanuts, popcorn, soda pop, chewing gum, candy.

Get your programs, gents, all the names and numbers.

You can't tell the victims apart without a program.

Program?

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[COUGHING]

Hey, hey, hey. You better watch that cough.

First thing you know, you'll wind up with pneumonia.

They say strawberries are good for a cold.

Strawberries won't be in season for six months.

STOOGES: We'll wait.

Just a minute. Line up there, boys.

This broadcast comes to you

through the courtesy of Edam neckties,

with stores at three convenient locations:

Skagway, Alaska, Little America, and Pago Pago.

Are you ready?

STOOGES: Ready.

One, two--

[CLANGING, ROPES SNAPPING]

[THUDDING, CROWD LAUGHING]

Oh, the ropes have broken. They're all down on the floor.

What kind of a hanging is this?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

LARRY: Hey, that's my head there.

Stay tuned, and I'll bring you a word from the contestants.

You're free. The governor's pardoned you.

"Mickey Finn and his gang have been captured,

and they've confessed to the mushroom murder."

You're free, boys!

STOOGES: We're free.

Here, boys, say a few words, will you?

[LAUGHS]

[SPOOKY] I am the shadow.

Boo! Ah-ah-ah.

Here's to us, three new widows.

[KNOCKING]

Tiska. Taska.

Baska.

CURLY: Whoo-whoo-whoo.

How did you zombies get out of jail?

We were innocent.

The real murderers confessed.

The governor pardoned us.

So here we are, and until death do us part.

Until death do us part, eh?

Certainly.

Oh, boy. What a joint.

[WHISPERING INAUDIBLY]

Okay, then. Give us a kiss.

Oh, honey.

Close your eyes.

STOOGES: Oh.

That's just to let you know who's going to be boss.

MOE: Oh, well, if that's how it is,

why, that's how it is.

Shake.

[WOMEN CRYING OUT]

MOE: That's just to let you know

who's gonna be boss around here.

We've got to get rid of them.

We'll get rid of them.

All we do is insist they become society gentlemen.

We'll make them take dancing lessons, fencing, baths.

[CURLY SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

Boy, this ought to take off the pimples and blemishes.

Yeah, maybe the skin too.

Who cares? I'll be a skinless frankfurter. Yeah, maybe the skin too.

Who cares? I'll be a skinless frankfurter.

Oh, I see.

[SNORTS]

Oh.

♪ La, la, la-la, la ♪

[CLEARS THROAT]

♪ La, la-la, lee ♪

♪ La-la-la la-la la ♪

Hm.

[PANTING]

Smell good on the inside too. Ain't you the one.

♪ La, lee, la, la-la ♪

♪ La, la, lee, la ♪

[PANTING]

♪ La, lee, la-la, la, lee ♪

Hey, listen.

Now we're in society, and we got to act like society.

I refuse to act that dopey.

Say, what do we know about society?

Well, startin' tomorrow, we're gonna learn.

We got to act like gentlemen so these dames we married

won't have any excuse for throwin' us out.

You mean I can't go to sleep with my shoes on?

That's exactly what I mean.

Now, get to bed. Like a gentleman.

[CURLY IMITATING ALARM]

Hm.

Nyah.

It's no use. I can't sleep in this bed.

Me either. It's too comfortable.

For once, I agree with you guys.

We got to fix these beds so we can feel at home.

[HAMMERING]

Oh, boy. Just like jail.

Yes, sir, all the comforts of home.

Grab a bunk, boys.

Mm.

Hey. How do you expect me to get up there?

Figure that out for yourself.

Mm.

Oh.

Hm.

Ooh. That's dangerous.

[HUMMING]

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[CREAKING]

I'm all right now. Nighty-night.

MOE AND LARRY: Good night.

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo.

[IMITATING CHILD] I fall down.

Oh, you did, eh?

You fall down. Shut up.

Can I reach him?

Give him one. That's it.

That's what you get for puttin' me on top.

[SNORING]

[MUTTERING]

[SNORING]

[MUTTERING]

[SNORING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Quiet. Quiet.

I been sabotaged. I'll get--

Hello. What--? Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

We'll be right down. Okay.

Hey, fellas. Hey. Hey.

I didn't do it, warden, honestly.

Never mind. Listen. Our dancing teacher's waiting.

Dancing? Oh, boy.

I gotta have my breakfast first. Dancing? Oh, boy.

I gotta have my breakfast first.

We don't eat till after we've taken our lesson.

I quit.

You can't. That's what they want us to do.

Get up. Oh! Oh.

Get up. [WHIMPERING]

Now, in order to become good dancers,

you must follow me closely and do exactly as I do.

Do you understand? Okay.

Here's a dance that's most popular in society.

You'll never go amiss doing this.

Follow me closely and do exactly what I do.

Ready?

[CRIES OUT]

Well, get started.

Whoo-whoo-whoo.

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[ALL SCREAM]

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo...

Oh. There you are.

I came as fast as I could.

What seems to be the trouble?

Listen, you got us to marry those Frankensteins,

now get us a divorce.

You have to have grounds for a divorce.

Well, we made them take dancing lessons, wear fancy clothes,

and even take baths 10 times a day,

but still they don't complain.

I've got it. Give a big party.

They're bound to humiliate you.

All your society friends can testify for you.

Divorce will be a cinch.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

I haven't looked this pretty since I was a baby.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Come on, let's check in. They're waiting.

All right, watch your P's and Q's.

Come on. Don't worry.

CURLY: Nyuck, nyuck.

STOOGES: Well, here we are,

the life of the party, folks.

[ALL GASPING]

Whoa.

BASKA: Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Well, my scheme is working.

Mm-hm.

Oh, Williams? WILLIAMS: Yes, sir?

Williams, when you bring that big cake in,

I want you to walk up...

[WHISPERING INAUDIBLY]

[GASPS]

Yes, sir.

Hey, you gonna eat that chicken alone?

No. Maybe if I wait, I'll get some potatoes.

What kind?

Mashed.

You got 'em.

Hey, what do you think you're doin', playin' poker?

Quit stackin' the deck.

Quiet.

Boys, wouldn't you like some punch?

Certainly. And see what the boys in the back room will have.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Pass me the-- Ooh, I'm sorry.

I heard you've traveled a lot.

Are you familiar with the Great Wall of China?

No, but I know a big fence in Chicago.

[CRIES OUT]

Wouldn't you like to sit there? It's much more comfortable.

Ain't she "hospital."

That's where I'll put you if you don't be quiet. Go on.

Say, Jasper, how's your tapeworm?

Fine. It took the blue ribbon at Madison Square Garden.

Fancy that.

You fancy that.

In former years, we traveled incognito,

then by freight.

Now we just thumb it.

But of all the rides I've taken, I like best--

[GASPING]

You clumsy oaf. You tripped him.

He certainly did not. The butler did it deliberately.

I did not, sir.

He did it.

Thank you.

But you started it.

As a rule, parties bore me,

but I know I'm going to get a bang out of this one.

[BOTH GASP]

Oh, senator, I am so sorry.

[SCREAMS]

You missed me.

Oh, yeah?

[LAUGHING]

Rachel, wait, please.

Who did it? Who threw that?

He did.

Oh, you did, huh?

Stop it. Do you hear me?

[SCREAMS]

And there we were, in mud up to here.

Oh. Oh.

Mm.

Oh.

SENATOR: Who threw that?

Oh, who did this?

I'll find out.

What's the idea?

Who interfered with my romance?

Why you--

Gentlemen, please.

Please.

Oh.

We strive to please.

Stop, stop. This has gone far enough.

Love thy neighbor.

[LAUGHTER]

Why, you--

But I raised my rifle and fired.

Naturally, the, uh-- The lions halted.

So I turned to my right,

and there, coming toward me, was a--

Another lion.

But did it scare me? Not a bit. Old soldier like I am.

Then I turned to come face to face with--

Another lion. Just at that moment,

That very moment I heard a roar to my left.

The lion that I thought I had killed was only wounded.

But you understand exactly what I'm talking about.

Well, at that time-- Now, there I was,

one lion here, one lion there,

nothing but my trusty knife and my bare fist,

but there I was, about to--

Oh, me.

Never have I been through such a lion fight.

Somebody give me a pie.

[SCREAMS]

[LAUGHS]

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Funny, isn't it? Yeah.

You're that cutie-pie.

MOE: Why, you-- Where is he?

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Mm.

Mm.

Nyuh-uh-uh-uh.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

MOE: Why, you-- Where is he?

Who threw that pie?

Shut up, you, or I'll--

[LARRY CRIES OUT]

Why, you dirty tramps.

You've disgraced your wives and their guests. Now, get out.

I'll have your marriage annulled at once.

Oh, yeah?

Your little scheme--

It worked beautifully.

[♪]