Original subtitles

["THREE BLIND MICE" PLAYING]

[PLAYS FANFARE]

[PLAYS "FARMER IN THE DELL"]

His Majesty, the king of Moronica,

Herman the Sixth and Seven-eighths.

Your cape, sire.

Father!

Gilda, my child!

What are you doing with these traitors

who overthrew me to put in a dictator?

We made a mistake, sire.

We wish to help you regain the throne.

Isn't that right, Mr. Umpchay?

Positively, Mr. Ixnay.

Tell the king our plan, Mr. Amscray.

I shall be delighted, Mr. Umpchay.

We have planned to have your daughter

spy on Hailstone the Dictator so we can destroy him.

You betrayed me once. How can I believe you now?

Sire, if we are not on the level,

may we be struck down on this spot!

[WHISTLES]

[BONK]

[GRUNTS]

What's the matter? Can't you take a joke?

Ah, marvelous.

Hail!

What can be keeping my field marshal

and my minister of propaganda?

Now, cut the cards.

Field marshal, come over right away!

I'll come over when I'm ready.

[CHUCKLES, YELPS]

[GROANS]

He's shaving.

I'll be right over.

Put 'em down.

As minister of propaganda, I wanna report that the people--

I am not interested in the people.

Good.

Now go.

Field Marshal Herring, how goes the war?

I don't know. The census won't tell me,

and I ain't read a newspaper.

Start the teletype, you fool.

[GRUMBLES]

Hail.

Where was I?

What happened in the air?

We bombed 56 hospitals, 85 schools, 42 kindergartens,

four cemeteries, and other vital military objects,

with our Stuka bombers.

What a blitzkrieg. What a--

[CHUCKLES]

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

HERRING: Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Ooh. Your army's on the march again.

This morning, they took Paregoric.

Paregoric, eh? Good, good, good, good.

[CHUCKLES]

Ah. Go on.

Then they took Pinochle with 1650 points--

Um, I mean, prisoners.

84 tanks.

Brooklyn 7, New York 3.

It's Seabiscuit in the stretch. Gallahadion is coming up.

It's Biscuit and Gallahadion, Gallahadion and Biscuit.

Gallahadion wins.

[WHIMPERS]

[HONK] Oh.

I want to know about my armies.

Have we taken the dikes of Holland?

Certainly, and the Van Dycks of Amsterdam,

and the Updikes of Rotterdam,

and the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Hail. Hail.

Oh, hail, I say--

[IMITATING GERMAN]

Ja? BOTH: Ja.

[IMITATING GERMAN]

Ja. Yeah, man. I'm from the South.

That's where I'm comin' from.

Ja. Ja. Ja. Yeah, man.

They're nuts. Yeah. Yeah.

[YELPS]

Go.

[YELPING]

[GROANS]

We must study this map carefully.

Now that we have captured all of Starvania,

we must take Great Mitten.

HERRING: Ja. Ja. Ja.

Yeah, you were gonna blitzkrieg Great Mitten

by the middle of August.

Then you said "Septober," then "Octember."

It's the middle of "Nowonder," and we ain't there yet.

Well, no wonder. I didn't say what year.

I don't understand it. It's only 20 miles.

Yeah, I could skip it.

Then skip it.

[GRUNTS]

[GROWLS]

[DOOR OPENS]

Ooh.

Luncheon is served,

Your Excellency.

Have I told you of the six delicious "favors"?

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

The first one, they have them--

[STAMMERS]

Whoo-whoo-whoo.

[YELPS]

[BONK, YELPS]

Plotz.

[GRUMBLES]

Marshal Herring, our first move

is to kick the stuffing out of turkey.

I'll wipe out grease. is to kick the stuffing out of turkey.

I'll wipe out grease.

Wait a minute.

Chizzilini tried it, and look what happened.

Quiet. [YELPS]

I want a piece of turkey.

LARRY: Me too.

Oh, so you want a piece of turkey?

Yeah. Give it to me now.

[YELPS] You got it.

[IMITATING GERMAN]

Ja? LARRY: Ja.

Ja, but I still want a piece of turkey.

Hey! Hey! Whoo-whoo-whoo.

Whoo-whoo-whoo. HAILSTONE: Hey.

[WHIMPERS]

Come on, pass it.

HAILSTONE: Give me that.

HERRING: Larry, throw it. Here.

HAILSTONE: Hike. Hike.

[YELPS]

[SOBBING]

Now, remember, Your Highness,

if we can get the axis partners fighting amongst themselves, Now, remember, Your Highness,

if we can get the axis partners fighting amongst themselves,

the battle is half-won.

Don't worry, Umpchay.

When I get through giving Hailstone an astrology session,

he won't know which end his axis is standing on.

And if that fails, plant this on Hailstone's pool table.

It contains enough high explosive

to blow Hailstone and his henchmen to Hades.

I won't fail, Amscray.

This is a pool game, not a blitzkrieg.

I think I'll invade you.

[LARRY AND HERRING GROAN]

[KNOCK AT DOOR TO "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT"] [LARRY AND HERRING GROAN]

[KNOCK AT DOOR TO "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT"]

♪ Come in ♪ ♪ Come in ♪

♪ Come in ♪

ALL: Ja.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Ah, who might you be, fair one?

I am your new astrologer, the seeress of Roebuck.

Oh, was your father the seer of Roebuck?

Oh, no, I was raised by Montgomery.

Oh, Montgomery's ward. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Ahem. You must help me get in touch with the stars.

Yeah, me too. I'll take Lamarr.

I'll take Lamour.

I'll take La Zonga with six lessons. Ha-ha.

Oh, one, two, three, four.

One, two, three--

[BONK, YELPS]

Spread out. Bring me my telescope.

[GRUNTS]

What news do the planets portend today, fair one?

Very bad news.

I feel your axis partners plan treachery.

So?

You shall see for yourself.

HERRING: Whoo-whoo-whoo.

[GROANING]

[INDISTINCT DIALOGUE]

[GROANING, YELPING]

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

So the axis partners would like to roast us, eh?

Summon them for a conference immediately.

Heel. Heel.

Come. Let us pop off the rest of the pool balls.

Yes, let's pop. Come, pip.

Oh, I'd like to show you my chateau in Brooklyn.

It's on the right as you go in.

It's on the right as you come out too. Heh.

Everyone enters through an exit.

[CHUCKLES]

I think I shall break.

Oh, no, I think I shall break.

I break.

[GRUMBLES]

Ah.

Oh. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck. Ah.

Oh. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[GROANS]

I win.

I missed one.

Where's the white ball?

You scratched.

"Scratched" nothing.

It's in the Brenner Pass.

Ha-ha. I get a free shot.

Oh, you used too much english.

Never speak that word in this house.

I think he's cheatin'.

I'm gonna watch him this time.

[YELPS]

[GRUMBLES] You made me miss.

You hit me in the chin.

[BARKS]

Why...

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[YELPS]

Just for that, I won't go to your party at Belcher's Garden.

You're wastin' time. It's my shot.

I'll smash the 13 ball into that pocket.

Step aside. Let a man shoot that knows how.

I'll hit that 13 ball so hard, it'll fly in a million pieces.

[YELPS]

Somebody dropped a bomb.

[STAMMERS]

[CHUCKLES] [GRUMBLES]

[WHIMPERS]

[BARKS]

Put it down. No.

I'll take away your medals.

They're not yours. I bought 'em in a hockshop.

[GROANS]

Give me my personality.

Put that ball down.

Well, if you're beggin' me.

Excellency... Yes, yes?

The axis partners are here.

Well, show 'em in.

I'll show those axis partners a two a thing or three or four.

Yeah. Right.

[INDISTINCT DIALOGUE]

[RINGS]

Hello? WOMAN [ON PHONE]: Hello.

Have you got anything on tonight?

No, not a thing.

WOMAN: You'll catch cold. Goodbye. No, not a thing.

WOMAN: You'll catch cold. Goodbye.

[HANGS UP]

[BARKS]

Where is the minister of rum? Why does he keep us waiting?

[KNOCK AT DOOR TO "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT"]

Here he comes now.

His Excellency,

the bey of Rum.

Hi, old bowl, old rummy, old rum pot.

I see you brought your own coffee.

No, she water pipe. Present for you.

She good water pipe.

Here. Smoke a good smoke.

It's live.

Thank you.

[WATER GURGLES]

Hmm. Stuck.

Tricky.

I'll smoke this or else.

[GRUNTS]

Look. I show you.

[WHINES]

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Sit down, blubber.

Heil.

It's about time.

Gentlemen, my manifesto.

Read it, please.

[GIGGLES]

There.

You see clause two?

Yeah. [IMITATING GERMAN]

submarine? Ja, that's a s-submarine.

[IMITATING GERMAN] trolley car?

Ja, this is a trolley car. Submarine. Trolley car.

[IMITATING GERMAN]

Gesundheit.

Read it.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[BUTTON POPS]

[BUTTON POPS]

Go back to those coffin nails.

Ah.

[COUGHING]

You burn up me.

Quiet. [BONK]

The meeting is called to order.

Gentlemen of the axles,

your blitz is on the fritz.

I am the winner, and the world belongs to me.

Oh, no. That's very, very unjust, please. Thank you.

You're welcome. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

That's against the international laws.

The world belongs to me.

[ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]

Shut up.

[ALL SHOUTING]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. See? Look.

We got it.

[ALL GRUNTING]

[ALL WHISPERING]

[IMITATING GERMAN]

[ALL SHOUTING]

[LATIN DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Hike it.

[ALL SHOUTING]

Come on.

[YELPS]

[ALL SHOUTING]

Ah, picture, please. Picture.

[SHUTTER CLICKS] Thank you.

[ALL SHOUTING]

[GROANS]

HERRING: Whoo-whoo-whoo.

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo.

Oh, please. Oh.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

[BANG]

[BANG]

[GRUNTS]

[CHUCKLES]

[WHIMPERING]

[EXCLAIMS]

[SCREAMS]

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo.

[THUDS]

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Hey, Chizzilini, wait a minute.

Why should you and I fight?

Let them kill each other.

Then you and I will share the world.

Ah. That's the spirits.

Shake.

That shows you can't trust me.

HAILSTONE: Hey, pudding head. Quick.

[HONKS]

Ah.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

I vanquished them.

I am the winner. The world belongs to me.

Give it to me. No, it's mine.

Give me that world, Herring, or I'll marinate you.

Let me have it.

[WHINES]

[GRUNTS]

My world.

You nitwit. You shattered my world.

Get help! Get help! You shattered my world.

No, no, don't do that. Stop.

Turn me loose.

Don't-- Don't-- Don't--

HERRING: Don't-- Don't-- Don't--

Ah.

Don't do that. Oh!

Listen, you.

I've taken enough from you. This is the last--

[EXPLOSION RUMBLES]

Your Majesty, good news.

We have regained your throne.

You are again our king.

Are you sure that this mad dictator and his henchmen

will not return?

I am positive, Your Majesty. Look.

["THREE BLIND MICE" PLAYING]