All language subtitles for The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs S25E02 Vamp 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP2 0 H 264-BFM_track3_[eng]

-Well, Darcy, you know,

we couldn't do a special called

"Joe Bob's Very Violent
Valentine"

without having
some vampire strippers.

-Of course not.
-Because a combination

of the blood sucking violence
with the sex,

along with
the Valentine's Day tradition

of going to strip clubs,
is --

-Don't think there's
a Valentine's Day tradition

of going to strip clubs.
[Laughter]

-No,
if you don't have a Valentine,

you go to a strip club
so you won't be lonely.

-Oh, okay.
I'll accept that.

-And most viewers
of "The Last Drive-In"

don't have Valentines.
Let's face it.

-Ah! Why would you say that?

-But -- they tell me.

They hang out with us,
instead of exchanging

teddy bears
and having monster sex

in a champagne glass hotel room

in the Poconos
or whatever they do.

-I know that we also have a lot
of very happy

Valentine's couples
in the mutant family.

-Right, and that's because
at some point in history

the guy went to a strip club
on Valentine's Day

and met the perfect stripper.

-[Chuckles] That's nuts.

-Alright, anyway,
that's my theory.

I'm going with that theory.
-Good theory.

Are you thinking of
"From Dusk Till Dawn"

when you talk
about vampire strippers?

-Well, of course I'm thinking
about "From Dusk Till Dawn."

But what we do
on "The Last Drive-In"

is we go deep into
the history of horror,

and we find
the origins of everything.

And so we go to the
original vampire stripper movie,

the one made 10 years before
"From Dusk Till Dawn."

You know what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about "Vamp,"

starring Grace Jones
as vampire stripper numero uno.

And also we can't afford
"From Dusk Till Dawn."

-I know, I know.

I was just hoping.

I hope that you're still doing
the fetishes, though,

because I feel like you've
missed a few important ones.

-Well, yeah, we're doing
the fetishes.

We've got, you know,
the Kink-A-Rama chart

is still incomplete.
-Yeah.

-We're -- we're ready
to go with that,

but there are so many
thousands of fetishes

that I don't think will do
full justice to this concept.

-I don't either. [Laughs]
-I mean, I hope we can.

I hope we're freeing
the libidos of millions

of messed up people
who were thinking,

"Wow, I thought I was
the only person

practicing Walt Disney bathroom
plunger scrotum implosion

on a regular basis.
But Joe Bob is talking about it,

so I don't have
to feel guilty anymore."

-So, what exactly is that?

-What is what.

-Walt Disney
scrotum implosion?

-Yeah.
-I don't know for sure.

It involves a Tinkerbell action
figure, I'm not sure.

But my point is, once again,
we have loaded up this show

with so many bonus features,
like the Kink-A-Rama chart here

that it's hard to get through
all the topics we need to cover.

And speaking
of bathroom plungers,

because I'm, you know,
I'm still upset.

-Oh, my God.
-The reason I'm a little

discombobulated...
[sighs]

-The hotel has not -- still not
fixed my faulty sink stopper.

-I can't believe you're going
to talk about this

in the middle of the show.

-Well, how do you expect me
to get ready for the show?

That's why I didn't have time
to find the right Bolo

or, you know, get
the costume together.

-I love your bolo, and you
brought this up at lunch,

and I can't believe
you're still cranky about it.

-Well, let's see who agrees
with me on this.

If I talk about it --
-Let's not. Let's not do that.

-No, listen, how are you
supposed to make water

stay in the bathroom sink
in the hotel?

-I know you're going to tell us.

-Let me tell you
how not to make water

stay in the bathroom sink,
by pulling on that silver

upside down plunger thingy

that's located between the
faucets on the back of the sink.

Supposedly, if you pull up
on that thing,

a stopper will go down

and hold all the water,
vacuum seal that sucker off.

-Wow, you're really talking
about this right now.

-Yeah, we talk about everything
in "The Last Drive-In."

We are a font of information

that people use
all over the world.

-A font?
-A font of information.

So there's only one problem
with those remote control,

plunger stopping things
they put on the sinks.

They have never worked,

ever in the history of the world
at any time!

So how is it possible
for a bathroom fixture

to be broken 100% of the time
and nobody ever notices?

I mean, it's never broken
in the same way twice,

but it's always broken.

Sometimes the metal rod
just comes off in your hand,

sometimes the metal rod
pulls down the stopper,

but it doesn't pull it down
far enough so water seeps out.

Sometimes the metal rod pulls
down the stopper so airtight

that it won't come back up,

so there's no way
to empty the sink.

It's different every time,

but one thing that's always
the same, it's always busted.

So after 50 years
of using these things,

wouldn't somebody notice that?

Wouldn't some guy who went
to hotel, motel executive

training school
say we are annoying the guest

with these
nonfunctional sink stoppers?

Wouldn't a maid somewhere notice
that long metal rods

are lying around
on bathroom counters

in motel rooms
all across America?

Wouldn't somebody
at least notice

that people have stuffed
washrags into the drain

so they can try to make
the sink fill up with water?

-Wow. Are you done?

-No, because
I've done research on this.

And after extensive testing
and consumer surveys

and engineering analysis,
I can tell you what does work.

Rubber stopper on a chain!
-My goodness.

-Whatever happened
to rubber stoppers on chains?

Did we run out of rubber?
Did we run out of chains?

I'm just guessing here,
but I would imagine

that a rubber stopper on a chain

is even cheaper
than a fancy gold-plated

remote control
plunger stopper thingy.

But even if it's not,
the rubber stopper on a chain,

even if the chain breaks off,

holds the water in the sink.
You cannot improve on that.

The rubber stopper will always
hold the water in the sink.

You can pick up
the rubber stopper,

throw it against a brick wall,
stomp on it,

it will still hold
the water in the sink.

-My goodness.
Are you done now?

-Yes.
-Oh, thank you.

[Laughter]
Wow.

-I'm speaking to the hotel
executives of America

when I say the stopper rules.

-Alright.
I think you've made your point.

But does this have anything
to do with vampire strippers?

-Yes.

-Does it?
-Grace Jones...

[Laughter]

...had her own special dressing
room on the set of "Vamp."

-Uh-huh.
-It's the same dressing room

they used in the movie
for her character of Katrina.

And that dressing room
was decorated by Andy Warhol.

-Ooh.
-And in her sink...

-She had a stopper?

-I don't know that,
but I'm assuming that she did.

-Okay, "Drive-In" Totals,
please.

-Sure, okay, here we go.

What we have here
is the sensitive story

of college fraternity
pledges AJ and Keith,

who promised to procure
a stripper

for the Dipsa Phi party,
then talk rich, lonely nerd

Duncan into helping them
drive to the city

where they tangle
with a street gang

led by an albino named Snow

and end up in a strip club
filled with vampires.

Sure, we've seen it before,
but have we seen it

with Grace Jones as the vampire
queen doing body paint

performance art with hubcaps
on her private parts?

-[Laughs]
-I think not.

So let's take a look at those
"Drive-In" Totals

and get started.

We have 14 dead bodies,
five breasts.

Pathetic.
[Laughter]

Is this a movie
about strippers or not?

Five breasts?

One motor vehicle
chase with head-on collision,

one road trip with off-key
a cappella rendition

of "Bad Case of Loving You."

Suggestive red-licorice
sucking with novelty

teeth reveal,
testicle squeezing,

chest licking, Renfield-homage
cockroach snacking,

rat munching,
multiple neck biting

with vampiric
transformations,

heart ripping, face melting,
decaying vampires,

body disposal,
one aggressive elevator door

with attempted beheading,

one feral street urchin,
sewer tunnel traversing,

dumpster diving
with dead body reveal,

wrist slicing
with blood drinking,

deliberate brandy-spilling,
one flaming arm,

vampire flambé,
face melting, skull rolls,

Gratuitous switchblade
flicking, gratuitous foot chase,

stripper shoe fu,
broken chair fu,

Molotov cocktail fu,
bow and arrow fu,

lead pipe fu,
and of course,

sunlight fu.

"Drive-In"
Academy Award nominations

for Robert Rusler as AJ,

who schemes
to find a stripper

but ends up as a snack
for Grace Jones

for saying
"I love you, Keith,

but all I can see right now
is food and I'm starving."

Chris Makepeace as Keith,

the other wannabe frat boy
who's handy with a bow and arrow

for saying, "This has been
one wacky night."

Gedde Watanabe as Duncan,

the rich nerd who just wants
some friends for -- for singing

"I'm in the mood for love
simply because they're naked."

Dedee Pfeiffer as Allison,

the waitress stripper
who just wants

Keith to remember her
from grade school for rocking

that '80s hair
and that wardrobe

and for saying,
"Did you actually think

I could be one of those?

Sandy Baron as Vic,
the strip club emcee

who longs to move to Vegas
and says, "Nobody tells anybody

when they come
to a joint like this."

And of course,
for the legendary Grace Jones

as Katrina,
the vampire dancing queen.

Two and a half stars.
-Ooh.

Joe Bob says, check it out.

-But you didn't talk
about any new fetishes.

-Well, we've got at least,
you know, four more fetishes.

-Only four.

-Well, the list
started with 50,

but, you know, half of them
had to be eliminated

just because of Shudder
taste standards.

-I know, and those
are the best ones.

-Well, they're the most
mind expanding ones.

You know, anytime you go
wow, I didn't even know

two people could do that,
that's a good fetish.

-I feel like next time

you've got to consult me
more on this research.

-Well, Darcy, you are free
to change the Kink-A-Rama chart.

You know, alter this Kink-A-Rama
chart to your personal choices.

-I am.
-We have some breaks.

We can do your -- your kinks.

-Alright, I think
I might just do that.

Ha-ha-ha.

-And why does that idea
terrify me?

-It should.

[Laughter]

♪

[Static]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Dramatic choral singing]

[Bell tolling]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Welcome to your
Worst nightmare.

[Laughs]

We're about to make
the ultimate sacrifice.

The supreme test
of immortality.

The rope...

[Voice warping on tape]

[Voice stops]

[Distorted] Now!

[Distorted voices on tape]

-Uh-oh.

-Uh, the supreme sacrifice...
-Cut.

-...will take place...
-Stop.

-Time out. I'd rather hang
than listen to this again.

I'd rather hang than listen
to this again, you know.

I mean, this isn't
a frat house,

it's a halfway house
for morons.

The spooky costumes
and the phony hangings,

guys, give me a break.
-Silence, pledge.

The Emma Dipsa Phi
initiation has just begun.

-Oh, I get it. You're trying
to bore us to death.

They're trying
to bore us to death.

-Oh, yeah!
-It's working.

-I asked you guys to be
careful with my clothes.

Now, who wrinkled
my shirt?

[All muttering]

-It wasn't me.

-We've misjudged you two.

You're obviously not
Dipsa Phi material.

-No, you know, I think
it's Keith and I

who seem to be mistaken here.

Am I right?
-Oh, yeah. Fooled completely.

-You see, we were under
the impression that this

was "the" house on campus.

But if you're the kind
of organization

that'll take in any dickhead

who will jump off a stool
with a noose around his neck,

guys, obviously, you don't see

the advantages of your position.

-What advantages?

-You have something we want.

Plush accommodations.
-Accommodations.

-Cable television.
-Cable.

-Continental cuisine.
-Food.

-Now, instead of making
us go through

all these stupid, immature...

What's the word I'm looking for?
-Asinine.

-Asinine tests which,
by the way,

we find incredibly boring...
-[Yawns]

...wouldn't it be much more
to your advantage

to take this situation and get
something for yourselves?

[Chuckling] yes!

You gonna have a big
party tonight, right?

And for this party,
you're definitely

gonna need party...
-Stuff.

-Stuff. What, you're
gonna need booze.

-Booze.
-You're gonna need tunes.

-Tunes.
-You're gonna need

entertainment.
-Booze is easy.

-We provide it.

Anything at all, anything you
need, and we're in.

-Anything?

-Excuse us. One second, huh?
Come here.

Listen, AJ, I'm really excited
about the way this is going.

I'm a little concerned
with this "anything" part.

Couldn't you have said
"a thing" or "something?"

-Keith, Keith, Keith.
Relax, will you?

These guys are
operating on empty.

I'll take care of this.
Trust me.

-A stripper,
and by tonight.

This is great.

I can't wait to see you
get us out of this one.

-After all these years,
you don't trust me?

-The truth?
-No, lie to me.

-Yeah, I trust you.

-Yeah, yeah,
just one number.

That's it.

I know you're a dancer,
professionally trained and all,

but I was just thinking,
how interesting would it be

to do it with your clothes off?

[Hangs up]

-You're doing well,
you know that.

-Bear with me here.

Hey, Sandy.
How you doing?

Yeah, this is AJ.

Oh, so you heard?

It'll only take five minutes!

Come on, I'd do it for you!

[Hangs up]

Field trip!

We'll hire ourselves a pro!

-Great!
Call me when you get back.

-How much money have you got?

-AJ, they're not worth it.

-They? I could care less
about those wimps.

It's their frat house,
what a place to operate from!

-Come on, you're giving me
a headache.

Look, we're 200 miles
from civilization,

we got no money
and no way to get there.

Tell me the Dipsa Phi house
is worth

this kind of aggravation.

[Chaotic buzzing]

I got 82 bucks.
-Right, together we total $168.

That, and a little charm,
should get us a stripper

and one deadly number.

Now all we need are some wheels.

-Duncan.
-Duncan.

-Duncan Spriggs unleashes
a monstrous drive,

right down the center
of the fairway.

It's a beauty.

Once again an amazing
performance by...

-Hi, there!

You have a car, right?

-Uh, I -- uh, listen, I'll pay
for the damages,

I shouldn't have parked there
anyway, I know that.

What car was it anyway?

-No, no, you see, we need a car!

-Yeah, we're taking a trip
and we'd like to work out

a deal for some transportation.

[Buzzer]

-Hey, guys!

Guys! Hey, where are you going?

Hey, I ordered some pizza!

-I'm a vegetarian!

-I'm buying!
-Your Russian Lit essay.

-Oh, great, listen, any time
you want to --

any time you want to catch
a movie,

you just give me a buzz,
all right?

Just give me a buzz.
-Buzz this, huh?

[Door slams]

-[Laughs] It'll be a pleasure
helping you guys out!

Can I call you guys?
Great!

Come on, sit down, relax!

Kick back, dudes!

You know, I mostly get your
basic dorks

hanging around here.

They seem to gravitate
towards me.

I don't know why!

Look, yeah...

I'm surprised
I haven't seen you two

up here at Dunc's place before.

This place is usually swinging!

You ought to pop up sometime.

Come on, fellas!
Eat! Come on.

Mangia, mangia,eat.

[Chuckles]

So, taking a trip!

Need a ride, huh?

You're in luck!

One left!

Now, normally I charge
the average shmoe...

-Wait, charge?
-Yeah, we were thinking

something more
along the lines of a favor.

To be returned, of course.

-That's new.

I like that!

One hand washes
the other, right?

Right! Yeah!
If there's anything --

-If there was something
that we could do for you...

-I already know!
Be my friends!

Take me with you!

-Well --
-I don't think...

-All right, for a week --
take me with you

and be my friends for a week!

-But...
-All right!

Take me with you
and just pretend

to be my friends for a week!

♪

This is fantastic!

Hey, guys, I'm psyched!

Let's party!

Hey, where are we going?

Doesn't matter, what counts
is that

you're my buddies...

For a week!

♪

[Imitating drumming
and guitar]

-♪ You think I'm cute ♪

♪ A little bit shy ♪

♪ Doctor, doctor,
give me the news ♪

♪ I got a bad case
of lovin' you ♪

♪ No pills --
shake my fist ♪

-Tallywackers!

-♪ And knock on wood ♪

-Hey guys, Boob-a-Rama,
Strip Search, Meat Rack.

Lido Lounge!
-Let me have this.

This is the one right here,
I can feel it.

-"The After Dark Club,
hottest acts anywhere."

Guys, it sounds classy,
do you think we should have

called for reservations?
-I'm ready.

-We are ready!

[Laughing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-6 for $1,
12 for $1.50.

Socks, socks, 6 for $1,
12 for $1.50.

Socks!

♪

-AJ, watch it!
Whoa!

[Tires squealing]

[Radio cycling through stations]

[Tires squealing]

Uh, you, uh --
you get the feeling

we're not in Kansas any more?

♪

♪

[Papers rustling]

Well, the guy says
it's just down the street,

but the ad says the club
won't open until after dark...

What the hell that means.

-Well, it's dark!
-Yeah, but...

Is it after dark?
-No, but I definitely think

it's dark.
-It might have just turned dark.

-How are you supposed to know
the exact moment it's dark?

I mean, if we knew that,
we'd wait a few seconds

and it'd be after dark.
-So when's that?

-I don't know.
-But you know what I'm saying,

"after dark" could mean morning.

Am I making sense?
-Nope.

-Hurry it up, it's closing time!

-Yo, Dunc!
-Hey, let's go!

-I'm going as fast as I can!

-I just closed.

-You just opened, again.

♪

♪

Coffees...

six cups...

to go.

♪

♪

-Don't do that!

-Shh.

♪

-I'm not kidding!

♪

[Grunts, spits]

♪

-Snow!

♪

-AJ, help me.

-Nope!

-You see something funny?

-I think this is serious.

AJ, I live, you die.

-Think I'm going to let
Maven there

cut one of your balls off.

[Door creaks]

[Zips]

-Uh, whoo-ee!

Looks like it'll be another hour
or so on these toilets,

these pipes are tough!

So if you excuse me,
I'll get back to work!

♪

♪

-Yeah, I definitely think
it's after dark now!

Snow!

I'm AJ.

Come on, all this over
three lousy teeth?

-Who spoke to you?

-Uh-oh.

-[Chuckles]

-[Screaming]
No!

-[Grunts]

-[Screams]

-Drop the knife, Snowflake,

or you'll be picking
these up off the floor!

-[Grunts]
-♪ Volare ♪

♪ Vo ♪

-Hey, Duncan, if you've finished
with those toilet seats...

-♪ Cantare ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Let's fly... ♪

-Lucky they didn't try
the bathrooms.

I was ready.

What I would have done to...

[Snow screams]

-♪ ...where lovers
enjoy peace of mind ♪

♪ Let us leave the confusion
and all disillusion behind ♪

-Hey! Messing with my buddies,
huh? Wham!

Right in the tchotchkes.

Hey, one guy takes
on the three of us.

Hey!
Maybe we ought to wait and see

if you want to go
another round!

How about that, buddy?
Huh? Let's --

-Dunc, they ordered six coffees.

-Okay, so it's not
Caesar's palace.

-Let's get this over with quick.

-♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪

♪ Simply because they're naked ♪

Guys! I'm on a roll tonight,
and when that happens,

I attract women like flies.

-Even.

-♪ Only because they're naked ♪

-I'll see you in a few.

-♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪

Hey, wait a minute,
hey, wait a minute,

I thought that we were --
-We gotta be getting back soon,

AJ is gonna take care
of everything, okay?

-Wait a minute, this isn't fair!

We come out here all the way,

and I don't even get
a chance to watch?

I think I should have a say
in the selection.

-You can interview her,
in the car.

-Unh-uh. No way, one for all
and all inside I say.

Ta-ta!
-Duncan, don't do that!

-Six coffees!

♪ I'm in the mood for love
[Door locked]

♪ Simply because they're naked ♪

♪

-How you doing, boys?

Can I see your ID?

♪

Good...

Good enough!

Perfect!

Go ahead!

♪

Bar or table?

-Ringside!

-Thank you...

Sir!

♪

-♪ Do you remember
when you said ♪

♪ You're the only girl I need ♪

♪ And now the words they sting
and the hurt they bring ♪

♪ It puts me right
in jeopardy ♪

♪ It twits just like a knife
right in the back ♪

-Oy, vey.

-♪ Now that you were caught
in a jealous trap ♪

♪ Those words are ringin'
right through the dark ♪

♪ Of your suspicious mind
and jealous heart ♪

♪ Lipstick on his collar, yeah ♪

♪ Perfume in his hair ♪

-Hey, Blondie!

-♪ When he came last night ♪

♪ You're sneakin' up
the stairs ♪

♪ 'Cause he's the only boy ♪

♪ Your body
wants to know ♪

♪ And is it worth the pain
to hide the shame ♪

♪ Or better to let it go ♪

♪ It's twistin' like a knife
right in the back ♪

♪ Now that you are caught
in a jealous trap ♪

-Here.

-♪ Words are ringin'
right through the dark ♪

♪ Of your suspicious mind
and jealous heart ♪

♪ Those words are ringin'
right through the dark ♪

♪ Of your suspicious mind
and jealous heart ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪

♪

-You don't remember me, do you?
[Giggles]

It has been a long time,
but I remember you!

♪

I'm Amaretto -- not really --
and I will be your waitress

for this evening, guys.
So what can I get for you?

-I would like
a slow, comfortable, screw.

A beer.

And one for my buddy.

For a week.

♪

-I know I gotta get it fixed.
It drives me crazy.

♪

-It drives you crazy?

You don't remember that?

I'm going to remember that
for the rest of my life.

♪

-Look good!

[Applause]
-Builder of major erections,

our construction engineer,

Hard Hatted Hannah.

Come on, let's hear it!

[Applause]

-You have any friends
that want to remember me?

Nah, I didn't think so!

-Gentlemen...

I give you...

Katrina!

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Indistinct lyrics]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-♪ Now I understand ♪

♪ I still remember ♪

♪ I still love ♪

♪ I still remember ♪

♪ Where I came from ♪

♪ Lover to lover ♪

-Wait till those wimps
at Dipsa Phi see this!

-♪ Days in the sun ♪

♪ Moment by moment ♪

♪ Passed and done ♪

♪ I still remember ♪

♪ I still love ♪

♪ I still remember ♪

♪ Where I came from ♪

♪ Lover to lover ♪

♪ Days in the sun ♪

♪ Moment by moment ♪

♪ Passed and done ♪

♪ Seduction surrender ♪

♪ I still remember ♪

[Music fades]

[Applause]

-I love it!
-Yeah!

[Whistling, cheering]

-She -- She's ju--
Uh...

-Well, Darcy, I don't think
I even have to ask you this,

but what did you think
of Grace Jones strip club act?

-You know, I am a fan.
-I can tell.

Did you meet the ghost
of Keith Haring

in the -- in the hallway
when you were coming over here?

-Just our little Valentine's
tribute to him.

-Well, it's amazing.
Alright.

You got to love
Grace Jones outfit,

the red bobbed wig
and the turquoise contact lenses

and the spiked headdress
and the metal breastplates.

And actually,
there's three of them.

There's also
a private parts plate.

Uh, and the song that they use
was written by Grace Jones,

especially for the movie.

It's called
"Seduction Surrender,"

and I think
it's on none of her albums.

You can only hear it
in this movie.

And that monochrome body paint
was done by Keith Haring,

a good friend of hers.
And do you know Keith Haring?

Keith Haring was, um,
he was a New York City

subway graffiti artist.

He was from a little town
in Pennsylvania,

but he showed up in New York
in the early '80s,

and he started drawing
these cartoon hieroglyphics

like you're wearing
on the subways, back

when you could do that.

And he had -- he liked people
having sex with dogs

and people having sex
with aliens

and post-nuclear mutants
of various shapes and sizes,

all in cartoon form.

And he got pretty famous
doing that.

And eventually he was discovered
by the New York art community.

And today,
if you go to Soho or Chelsea

or any of the art gallery hubs
in New York City,

you're likely to find
some expensive

Keith Haring souvenirs.

Unfortunately, he died of AIDS
when he was just 31 years old.

Uh, but not before he had hooked
up with Robert Mapplethorpe.

And am I getting too deep into
the highbrow art world, Darcy.

-Maybe a little bit.
-Alright.

-But he did an amazing job
on Grace Jones body makeup.

-Yes, he did, and it was not
the first time that he did that.

Uh, Grace Jones used
to sing at a place

in New York City
called the Paradise Garage.

And Keith Haring would always do
the full body paint job on her

before she went on stage there.

Also, that human chair
that she rides around on, um,

that was sculpted from
the body of Dolph Lundgren,

who was Grace Jones's boyfriend
at the time.

So anyway, this role
of the vampire queen

was originally intended
for Tina Turner,

but I guess Tina
turned it down.

And so they went
for the '80s icon Grace Jones,

who had recently come off
the James Bond movie

"A View to a Kill."
And then the year before that,

"Conan the Destroyer"
as the Amazon warrior.

Um, how would you
describe Grace Jones,

uh, Darcy?

-Awesome.
[Laughter]

-Well, yeah.
But, um...

She was primarily,
I guess, a singer.

Um, but she was also a model,
also an actress.

She was one
of those celebrities.

This -- this was very common
at the time.

She was just known
for being uniquely her.

-That's true.
-She was a Jamaican.

Uh, she grew up in Syracuse
in a strict religious family.

Her father was
a fairly famous minister

who ran the Apostolic Church
of Jesus Christ.

They actually have
a street named after him

in, uh, southwest Syracuse,
not far from the university.

So I'm not sure what type
of worship that is,

since so many denominations
have similar names,

but whenever you have
that word apostolic,

that always means
Pentecostal.

Tongue talkers, you know,
faith healing signs and wonders.

-Oh, okay.
-So even though it was

a strict religious upbringing,

it would have been
extremely emotional services

with lots of singing,
lots of music.

And later in life, when she
became a regular at studio 54

and she became
the queen of gay disco,

you know, I can just imagine
how that tracks back

to the kind of raucous
beginnings she had

at that church on Bishop Robert
W. Jones Way in Syracuse.

She said she was not
into horror or vampires

until she made this movie,
but to get ready,

she read the Anne Rice book
"Interview with the Vampire,"

and she said she was
just blown away by it,

and she started working up
her part for the movie.

Unfortunately, she was also
one of director

Richard Wenk's
biggest headaches

because she was
chronically late to the set.

One day she was nine hours
late to the set.

Wow.
-And then when she got there,

she was upset with the crew

because she couldn't
find her vibrator.

-And I love her.
-Apparently it was someone --

it was someone's responsibility
to make sure the vibrator

was in her trailer every day.

-Who's on that, please? Okay.
Thank you.

-All right.

-Well, yeah,
she -- she was Grace Jones.

She had that vibrator
clause in her

contract, I'm sure.
[ Laughter ]

Okay, where are we
so far here?

We start out
with a fake execution.

frat boy initiation at
the Mudd Hall of Philosophy

on the campus of the University
of Southern California.

The Mudd Hall of Philosophy
being one of LA filmmaker's

favorite locations
when they need a bell tower

and an impressive
looking medieval building.

Our two heroes,
Chris Makepeace as Keith

and Robert Rusler as AJ,

then walk out
of the student union.

They ca-- cajole the nerdy
Getty Watanabe as Duncan

to let them use his car,

because they're going to have
to drive all the way to --

they're going to have to drive
under the Harbor Freeway

and take that six minute drive
to the Skid Row

district of downtown LA.

So, yes, we are on a quest.

-You are so cynical
about locations.

-Yeah. Well, they shouldn't --
they shouldn't have

the two main actors
walk past the big sign

that says
Gwen Wilson Student Union.

Anyway, since I've turned over
the Kink-A-Rama chart to you,

um, you're going to
show me a fetish now.

And I want a fetish
that would shock Grace Jones.

-I don't think anything's
going to shock Grace Jones.

Um, the one thing I did want
to talk about is --

-Gonna reveal it here.
-Yes, sir.

-Here we go. What is it?
-Ta-da-da.

-Go ahead.
-Pie. Pie-Sexualism.

-[Laughing] Pie-Sexualism.

Pie like apple pie?
-Yeah, pie sex.

-Okay.
More likely like

a cream pie, you know?

-Okay.
Because all I can think of

when you say that is Jason Biggs
as Jim in "American Pie."

-I feel like that's kind
of what popularized it.

-So, as I recall, Jim hops up

onto the kitchen counter
where

his mom has left out
his favorite pie to cool, and...

-Warm apple pie.
-...he whips off his pants

and he starts making love
to the pie.

Is that what it is?

Because then dad walks in
and he says --

and Jim says, "It's not
what it looks like, Dad."

-And Dad says,
"Well, it looks to me like

you're fucking a pie, Jim."

Did we get that right?

-Oh, it's so classic.

Yeah, but a lot of times
the pie-sexual just wants to see

someone get a pie to the face
or a pie to the boobs,

and then they want
the object of their affection

to, like, swish it around.

-Swish it around? Swish it?
-Yeah.

You know, like, rub it so it
gets all over you and like,

smush it into
the cracks and stuff.

-Okay.
-Enjoy it.

-So they do that while they're
having sex with the pie target.

-Oh, no.
Not always.

They might just be enjoying the
other person getting all gooey.

You know, like the gooier
it is the better.

It's called sploshing.

-And is the pie target naked
while they're doing that?

-Sometimes, but sometimes not.

Pie-sexuals come
in many different styles.

-And I guess flavors
of pies as well.

-Yeah, they will specify
the type of pie they want.

-Darcy, you are scaring me with
your knowledge of this.

I take it you've sploshed?

-I may have sploshed
a time or two.

-And how did that turn out?

-Top notch sploshing.

-I wouldn't expect
anything less.

I guess there are
two kinds of food sex.

There's food that you eat
as an aphrodisiac,

and then there's food
that you actually have sex with

and or is part of the sex.

And we're talking about
the second kind, really.

And also they use jelly, jam,
peanut butter,

whipped cream, anything.

As you say,
it has to be gooey, right?

-I mean, I don't know
about those other things.

I'm just mostly
a pie specialist.

-Okay, and I'm certain
you're a good one.

-Thank you.
-So thank you for that

new item in my vocabulary.

Is it splooshing
or sploshing or splashing?

-Well, you know, I'm not sure.
-Okay.

-Sploshing. Alright.

-I think it's sploshing,
but I feel like

we're getting mixed up
with "Archer" with sploosh.

So it's kind
of combining now...

-Okay.
-...in the zeitgeist.

-Alright. Splooshing
then or sploshing.

-Sploshing.
-Alright.

-It has been decided.

-Alright.
-Yeah, I'll go with sploshing.

-And speaking of sploshing,
back to the movie.

-Thank you.
[Laughter]

-Oh, man.

How cool was it to see an albino
Billy Drago in this flick?

-Very cool.

-You know, if you go into
the wrong part of downtown LA,

albino girl gangs are going
to come into the diner

and order double coffee,
you know?

-I mean, it's happened
to me many times.

-You don't know
what they'll do after

they're all caffeined up.

Actually, he didn't order
double coffee.

He ordered double cups,
three coffees, six cups.

What are they doing
with all those cups?

I didn't understand that.
Are -- Are we to assume

that an albino Billy Drago gang
would be rationing the coffee?

So everybody gets a half
a cup of coffee?

And for that matter,
why would a Billy Drago

gang be in the movie at all?

I'm sure they're going to
explain that later, right?

-No spoilers.
-Alright.

What's Billy Drago's
biggest movie?

-Um, I don't know,
but "Charmed."

That was a big one.
-"Charmed."

-I mean, more than
"The Untouchables"

or "Pale Rider."

-Yeah, he was the demon
of fear on "Charmed."

-Really?
-Yes.

Are you a "Charmed" fan?

-I am.
-Okay.

[Chuckles]

♪

[Static]

-I saw her dance once
at a resort!

-A resort?
-It was a different color!

♪

[Inaudible conversation]

♪

♪

-Yes! He scores!

♪

♪

♪

♪

-I love the show, girls.

It's brilliant,
very tastefully done.

-Come on!

♪

[Indistinct shouts
and cheers]

-All right, gentlemen,

you're in for a treat!

She melts in your mouth,
she melts in your hands.

Sweet, sweet, Candi!

♪

-Take the wrapper off, baby!

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Shake it, Candi!
Yeah!

♪

-Hello?

♪

Hello?

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Katrina!

You scared me.

Nice hair!

Yeah...

I, uh, I caught your act
out there --

ooh, some show!

Very... new!

Very...
now.

[Fan rustles]

♪

Anyway, I was wondering,
maybe later tonight,

if you're interested in doing
a little encore performance,

for a much more
appreciative audience,

I could definitely
make it worth your while.

Yes, I could.

♪

♪

And I'd be willing to pay
top dollar.

'Cause I can see that you're
a professional.

And I like working
with professionals.

♪

And I like you.

♪

I can see you like me, too.

Whoa...

♪

Wow.

♪

♪

♪

Ooh!

♪

Allow me.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Moaning]

♪

♪

Like to play rough?

♪

♪

[Grunts]

♪

♪

♪

-[Katrina roars,
AJ screams]

♪

-[Snarling, grunting]

-[Screaming]

♪

-[Choking]

♪

[Slurping]

♪

♪

[Throaty maniacal laughter]

♪

[Cheering and applause]

♪

-I'll be back.

-Another round?
-Yeah, another round?

[Faucet creaks, water running]

[Flushes]

[Indistinct low chatter]

-Anybody want to claim
this lush?

I'm trying to run a respectable
joint here, gentlemen.

Going once, twice...

He's alone, clean this mess up!

♪

-Hey, it's show time,
what's happenin' here?!

I wanna see a girl up there!

-And now, she's not much
upstairs,

but what a staircase!

Gentlemen, the fabulous...

Dominique!

Come here.

♪

Class!

♪

♪

♪

-Shit!

[Panting]

♪

That's it, we're out of here.

♪

Excuse me, could you
go backstage

and tell my friend that
his buddy is waiting?

It's time to go now.
-Friend?

I see no friends.

-Uh, yeah, yeah,
you took him backstage.

He's tall, dark hair,
gray jacket on.

-I take no one back.

-Excuse me.
Aren't we in a pickle.

-You ever have
one of those nights?

♪

-There's a problem,
he was not alone.

He has a friend, he's downstairs
talking with the new girl.

I think there's another
one of them.

-That's it, one number to get
into a frat,

except now I don't care.

All I want to do is find AJ
and get back to school --

-AJ?! Not Mr. Dynamite?
You guys still hanging out?!

I knew it! Yep, come on,
I bet you he'll remember me.

Hey, you see a guy
come back here?

Welcome to Bow Wow City.

Hey, you guys see a guy come
back here, tall, good looking?

You see a guy come back here?
No guy came back here?

No guy came back here?
-No, he came back.

One of the girls
brought him --

her!
-You!

I remember now, so sorry.

Your friend wanted to see
Katrina,

I tell him no one sees
Katrina.

-He didn't have much of a chance
with her,

Katrina owns this dive,
sweetheart.

-After that...

-Are you saying that you didn't
see what happened?

-Wait!

Where's Candi?

-She's half shift tonight!

-I'm afraid AJ's decided
to hold auditions.

-No, he wouldn't just leave.
-Oh, really?

Not even with a girl that would
melt in your mouth,

and in your hands?

-Yeah, he'd leave.
I'm going to kick his...

-But wait! What a coincidence,
it's time for my break.

And I have to go over
by the hotel

and pick up
a change of tops.

Some of the girls stay there.

I bet if we hurry, we could
catch AJ.

Meet you at the side entrance
in two minutes, okay?

Excuse you!

You want to find AJ, right?
-Uh, right.

-Well, then go!

-Yeah, I like that!

-I've been a bad boy!

Whip me!

-She'll abuse you,
she'll amuse you.

She'll whip you guys
into shape.

Cimmarron!

♪

-♪ And the meaning of love,
and the meaning of love ♪

♪

♪ And the meaning of love,
and the meaning of love ♪

♪

[Music continues within]

♪

♪

[Indistinct mumbling]

♪

♪

-Oh!
-Aren't we jumpy tonight!

This is really weird.

It's like a reunion
or something.

-Yeah, I wish I knew with who.

-When the time is right
I promise I'll tell you.

-He's on his way,
don't screw up!

You got it?

All right.

-Okay, you're dying to ask me.

-What?
-Why I strip.

-No I wasn't --
-Yes, you are!

-But I wasn't gonna ask you.
-Why not?

-It's none of my business.
-It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Really.
It's just a natural curiosity.

I mean, the club's not
a permanent stop or anything

if that's what you think,
I mean,

it's easy to get, it's loose,
I can express myself.

And that is really important
because I'm still trying

to find my purpose in life,
you know what I mean?

God knows I've looked.

Tried the acting for a while,

but what a joke that was.

I was on "Love Connection" --
I got picked, too!

Oh, God, that's so sad!

Little girl, where's your mommy?

♪

Parents like that
should be shot!

♪

-You screwed up!

You're sushi, baby!

-He was so beautiful,

I was sure you would like him.

-You know the rules!
She knows the rules!

Only the transients,
the loonies, the strays,

the ones that can't be traced.

-He said he was alone!

That he was just
passing through!

He fit the profile.
-Ha!

-He was a gift.
-Nice gift!

Look, I'm going to have
to kill them both.

Don't worry,
I'll take care of it.

You're not going to punish her?

If it were me...

Look, if I had some power...

-[Hisses]
-All right! All right!

If we had just moved the whole
operation to Vegas

like I suggested...

-Thank you.

I'm not here forever.

I will be more careful --

[Grunts, squelching]

♪

♪

-Well, I guess Vegas is out.

♪

[Katrina laughing]

-Okay, things are picking up.

-Yeah.
-Now we got some heart ripping,

some blood sucking.

We got a dancer named Cimmarron
who works with a bull whip.

-Yeah, we do.

-That actress, by the way,
is Lisa Lyon,

the very first world women's
bodybuilding champion in 1979.

Playboy centerfold in,
uh, October 1980.

She's the model for the
Marvel Comics character Elektra.

-Oh, no way.

-Yeah, and I wanted
to mention her

because she just passed away
this past September.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-Yeah, but if you want to
check her out in her prime,

the aforementioned
Robert Mapplethorpe

did a whole book based on her.

It's called "Lady, Lisa Lyon,"

uh, and it's 150 photos of her
in classic Mapplethorpe style.

It's really odd that this movie
is so closely tied

to the New York Downtown
pop art community.

Uh, Grace Jones and Keith Haring
and Andy Warhol all met in 1984

at Robert Mapplethorpe's
New York studio.

And the way the whole body
paint thing happened

is Grace Jones had an album
called "Slave to the Rhythm."

Uh, it was climbing
the charts and Andy Warhol

went to -- wanted to feature her
in "Interview" magazine.

Uh, so he came up
with the idea that Keith Haring

would do an 18-hour
body-paint job on Grace,

and then Mapplethorpe would
do photos for the magazine.

And then Haring painted her
again in 1986 for her video,

"I'm Not Perfect,"
and, um I mentioned before

he painted her every time
she appeared at Paradise Garage.

But all these boldface names

kept showing up
on the set of "Vamp."

Timothy Leary was there.
Robert De Niro, Mick Jagger.

What the hell is Mick Jagger
doing at the "Vamp" set?

-Oh, my God.
That's amazing.

I think they're just all
enjoying the vampire strippers.

-I guess so.

Anyway, Darcy,
I know I told you

that you could do
all the fetishes for

this movie,
but I think there's

one of them
that we've got to do.

Uh...

-Oh, yeah.
Definitely. Agreed.

-Okay, so I'm going
to reveal that one now.

Um, hematolagnia,
drinking blood during sex.

-Exactly.

-Okay,
so if you're doing that,

are you drinking the blood
of the person

you're having sex with?
Is that the idea?

-You could be drinking
each other's blood,

or you could be drinking
the blood of someone else.

It depends
what you're going for.

-And where do you
get the blood?

How do you get the blood?
-Well, you can --

-That's got to be part
of the sex, right?

-I mean, yeah,
you can use knives

to bring the blood
to the surface of the skin,

and then you can lick it
and suck it out.

But some people don't like
cutting, so they use...

other blood.

-Other blood? Where do
they get other blood?

-Menstrual blood.
Is that okay?

-Okay, I guess.

-Yeah.
And then the opposite of that

is people that are so
into the cutting part

that they use
surgical instruments

so they can make the blood
come out at a certain place

on their body,

you know, like, really, like
the boobs or the genitals.

-So I have two questions.

Is the turn on that
the other person

is allowing you to cut them?

-I mean, yeah, sometimes.

I mean, that could be
an expression of love

that you're letting
the other person doing

that and you trust them so much.

And some people
are just into the pain.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

-And then my
other question is,

is it safe to drink human blood?

Because yeah, I know we eat rare
steaks, you know,

which is cow blood

and blood pudding in Scotland.

Is that pig blood?
I think that's pig blood.

-That's gross, man.

-And did the French have that
blood sausage stuff, you know,

that's -- that's the lungs
and the head of the pig.

And who knows what else
is in that? It's French.

-So who knows what's in.

So my question is,
does that make you sick?

-Well, doctors say don't do it.
[Laughter]

-And why do they --

-Okay.
-Why do they say that?

-Well, viruses, infections.

-But you can get viruses
and infections from regular sex.

-I don't know, man.

That's what they
want me to say.

-Okay.
-Some states it should be noted

made it -- made it illegal.

In Louisiana, you can go to jail
for five years

or get fined $5,000.

-Really, for drinking blood?
For drinking human blood?

That's the voodoo state.

That's -- that's all those
Haitians in New Orleans.

I got to assume.
Well, maybe that's why --

-Exactly. I think they had a
reason for doing that.

-Okay.
In BDSM circles,

they call it blood play.

But if real blood
makes you sick,

then you can get almost the same
kind of thrill with fake blood.

A lot of people say
they get aroused

when they see their partner
completely covered in blood.

-Really?
-Yeah.

-Do they do that
at the Vampire Ball?

I know you go
to the Vampire Ball.

-Oh, yeah. They do it like
head to toe squishing around.

But I cannot divulge
whether it's real or not.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Very educational, Darcy.
Thank you.

And now that Grace Jones
has feasted on the blood of AJ,

it's time to get back
to the flicks.

So, roll it.

That original shoot

was for Andy Warhol's
"Interview" magazine.

He had this magazine
called "Interview."

I think it still exists,
and I used to write for them

because they would just call up
and say, "I need an article,

any article, just write
an article, any article."

That was their way
of assigning articles.

And Lisa -- what was her name?

Uh, Lisa Love,
I think her name was Lisa Love.

It was editor
of "Interview" Magazine.

And you never knew
what was the real name

because it was in this
Andy Warhol art world.

But anyway, my fellow freelancer
at interview in those days

was Bill Moseley
before he got famous as

Chop-Top in
"Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2."

And Bill and I
have traded many a story

about the weird world
of Lisa Love

and Andy Warhol's
"Interview" magazine,

which once featured
a Grace Jones photo

spread by Robert Mapplethorpe

after an 18-hour
body-paint job by Keith Haring.

You just do not have
that kind of dedication

to journalism today,
do you, Darcy?

-They do not.
[Laughter]

-What's the longest
you've ever been

in a body paint makeup chair?

-Well, like 13 hours.

-13 hours?

-Yeah.
-What was that for?

-Um, it was some miniseries
or something

where I was supposed
to be a demon,

and they did this
really intricate body makeup

and then prosthetics
and stuff, too,

and then coated me in K-Y Jelly

so that, like,
I looked all goopy and gross

via porn.
-Porn.

-You have pictures of that?
-I do.

-Okay.
And was that worth it?

-Oh heck yeah.
-Alright.

And do you do that kind of body
paint makeup where you're naked

but you can't tell your naked
until you get up real close?

-I have definitely done
that a few times.

-And how did
that make you feel?

-Naked.
[Laughter]

-Awesome.
-It was.

♪

[Static]

-[Clears throat]

Excuse me?

-$20 a half hour.

-I'm from the club, remember?

I checked in this afternoon.

I'd like the key to 1311 please.

See?

Thank you.

Oh, can you please ring Candi,
you know, the redhead.

[Dialing]

-It's busy.

But you can go up if you like,
room 1309.

[Gasps]

♪

13 please?

-[Humming]

♪

-[Snickering]

♪

[Humming continues]

[Elevator dings]

♪

Wait!

-You're not the same woman!
You're sleepin' all day!

You're up all night!
-I can do what I want!

[Voices fade]

[Rumbling]

♪

♪

♪

-[Grunting]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Machinery groaning]

♪

[Clanging]

[Panting]

-We should have heard something
by now.

I don't like it.

If something goes wrong,
that queen bitch

is going to chew my ass out.

♪

Vlad, give it up,

there's nothing going on
between you and her any more.

All you are to her
is a quick fix.

-[Snarls]
-Hey, but what do I know?

-Hey!
-There you are! What happened?

They told me you left!
-AJ, did you find him?

-No. God, you look awful,
what happened to you?

-The girl, what did she say?
-Well, it's weird,

I went to her apartment,
it was like no one lived there,

empty, just some garbage bags.
What are you so testy about?

-Testy?! You want to know why
I'm testy?!

I'll tell you why I'm testy!

Today I was nearly hung,

I got into a fight
with a psychotic albino,

I met a human pin cushion
in the bathroom,

I ate a cockroach,
my best friend disappears,

and then I'm nearly assassinated
by a runaway elevator.

I've had a bad day.

All I want is to find AJ
and get back to school.

Is that too much to ask for?

-Well, no, but I don't see
what the big hurry is.

He'll probably show up.
-Listen, where else would

a girl like Candi take AJ?

-Uh-uh -- you mean a girl like
me, don't you?!

Just -- look, just go 'head
and say it! I --

I was only trying to be helpful!
I thought it'd be kinda nice

if maybe you and me
maybe spent some time --

Oh, just screw it!

You know, if you knew me
a little better!

-I don't know you at all!
-And that's another thing!

How come I remember you
so well and you...

Well, obviously, our moment
together wasn't as important

to you as it was to me.

-What moment?

Look...

-Oh, look yourself!

-Hey! Hey!

-I love you.

[People chattering]

No, I love you.

[Indistinct shouts]

-Say, babe, what time
do you get off?

-2:30.

-Can I watch?
[Guffaws]

♪

-All right!
Anybody want to claim this lush?

Going once, going twice...

♪

-We be looking for you!

-Heya, Snowball,
how they hanging?

♪

Shit.

-Come on!

♪

♪

♪

-Hey, what's that?!
-Nothing!

-Where'd he go over there?!

♪

♪

-He's got to be around here.

♪

[Voices fade]

-Hello, baby!

Got you now!

[Manhole cover clattering]

[Chuckles menacingly]

-Come on, boy! Don't you want
to join the party?!

[Air whooshing softly,
water dripping]

[Menacing laughter]
-Come on, boy! Come on!

You better get used to it,
scumbag!

-All this for
a fucking fraternity.

[Group taunting]

♪

♪

Psst! Psst!
Psst!

Psst!

♪

[Man chuckling ominously]

♪

-Well, now, where's your mamma,
little girl?

[Crunching, screaming]

♪

[Snarling, screaming]

♪

God!

-Geez!

[Ominous chord strikes]

[Rat squeaks]

-Hey, I found my friend!

[Laughs, rat squeaks]

[Laughs, crunching,
squeaking]

♪

-Snow! There he is!
-Shit!

♪

♪

♪

♪

Hey!

Are you still here?

♪

♪

♪

-AJ!

Jesus! Hey!

♪

Hey! Stop! Help!

Wait!

Stop!

Wait a minute!

♪

♪

[Electricity buzzing]

-Emergency operator,
may I help you?

-I' II take care of the cops.

I'll tell them a story
like I always do.

They won't follow up.

They don't care
what happens down here!

Have you given any more thought
to my idea?

A club.

In Vegas.

New blood!

New blood.

See, they're all tourists.

I-I hear that clubs are very hot

right now in Vegas.

We'd do very nicely!

All right.
All right.

I'll do something.
I'll do something.

Vlad, bring the trash
back in here!

This is...

a nasty habit.

Nasty.

♪

-This is the part of the movie

where it gets
all discombobulated.

First of all,
why does Amaretto --

real name Allison --
take Keith

to that vampire hotel
to begin with?

And by the way,
the vampire hotel clerk --

that's played by the great
Hy Pyke.

I talked about him when
we showed "Hack-O-Lantern."

He was Grandpa
in "Hack-O-Lantern"...

-Oh, yeah.
-...which was two years

after this, and that was
his retirement movie.

So this is at the very end of
his career as a character actor,

but he was also
a nightclub comedian,

and that's probably
what brought him to this movie,

because of his friendship
with Sandy Baron, who plays Vic,

the strip club manager
who we just saw

sucking the blood
out of Grace Jones' wrist

and talking about
what a nasty habit it is.

Sandy Baron was a legendary
Catskills comedian.

He was always appearing
on talk shows like --

nobody's gonna remember these
goofy daytime

showbiz talk shows
that they had at the time

like Mike Douglas
and Merv Griffin.

Anyway, he was always
on those shows,

and he was Grandpa Munster
in the "Munster" specials

after Al Lewis died, and he was
Jack Klompus on "Seinfeld,"

the cranky retiree who gives
Jerry the astronaut pin.

-Oh, yeah.
-And he appeared as himself

in Woody Allen's
"Broadway Danny Rose."

But Sandy Baron is about
as old-school as you can get.

He was performing
in the Catskills places

like Grossinger's
and Kutsher's and the Concorde.

He was one of those guys
who made jokes

about the schnitzel
and the sauerkraut and...

All right, so my point was,
why do they go to that hotel?

'Cause I -- I went way off track
here, didn't I?

-Oh, no,
you would never do that.

-Well, I always know
where the original track is.

I always come back
to the original track.

-That is debatable,
but go ahead.

-All right. It's true.
-[Laughs]

You were just talking about
talk shows from 50 years ago.

-Yeah, well, okay,
I get your point.

So my original point is,
once they leave the strip club,

which we're just starting
to enjoy,

in order to go find Candi
at the vampire hotel,

because Allison -- stage name
Amaretto -- believes that

AJ may have run off with Candi
to rent a room for a half hour,

if you know what I mean --
and I think you do --

once they do that,
the movie is just a mess.

There's the whole scene
with the spooky elevator

trying to kill Keith,

uh, the disappearance
of Allison for no reason,

the return of Billy Drago

driving a hearse
and bent on revenge,

uh, Keith's escaped
through a convenient manhole.

That's an old
silent-film trope.

That's how Harold Lloyd
always escaped, you know?

Um, the underground
sewer tunnel,

which is lit in neon green
and magenta and mauve,

and the lighting in the sewer
is like the entrance

to a cotton-candy store
owned by Barbie, you know?

And then that little girl
with the teeth

who apparently eats a gangster,

and the maniac weirdo
eating a live rat,

and random arms coming out
of nowhere to try to grab Keith,

and then hiding in the Dumpster,

that happens to be
the same Dumpster

where they dumped
AJ and Allison,

appearing and disappearing
for no reason.

I mean, the movie
should be gathering steam

in the strip club.

That's where all the action is.

But instead,
we're wandering around

the scummy part of downtown L.A.

like we're in a crackhead
hallucination museum.

I mean, the only reason
for these scenes is atmosphere,

and I happen to know
from interviews

that 29-year-old director
Richard Wenk

and his cinematographer,
Elliot Davis,

they had both been studying
Martin Scorsese's "After Hours,"

which just came out
the year before,

and they were going for
that same feeling of,

if you go into
the wrong part of town,

then everything
becomes disorienting

and the atmosphere seems alien.

And so that accounts
for the neon pink

and the mauve and the whatever.

So anyhow, Darcy,
just give us a kink.

-[Laughs] Okay.
-What's next?

What's next
on the Kink-A-Rama chart?

-Okay, ready?
-Here we go. What is it?

-Findom.
-Findom!

Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.

-And we got the letter.
Mistress Harley,

-Inspired by Mistress Harley,
one of my --

the co-hosts
on my wrestling podcast.

-Really? All right.
-Yeah.

She introduced me to this.

Men fall in love with her
and give her --

give her all their money.

Yeah. That's it.

-And?

-That's it.

It's literally just
financial domination.

-But what does she do?
She gets naked online

and they're paying to see her?
-Nope.

She never takes her clothes off.

-But they meet for
some kind of a BDSM session?

-Nope. They never meet.
It's all online.

-They think they're gonna
receive something from her

in return.
-No.

She just humiliates them
and tells them to worship her

by giving them all their money.

-Damn.
-I know!

-So what's the common
denominator with all these guys?

-I assume that they need
to be told what to do.

-And I guess they have guilt
over having money, or...?

-I would assume so, yeah.

-And probably a need to be
told what to do specifically

by a strong female?

-Oh, yeah.
She's a strong female.

-So why doesn't every internet
sex worker do findom? Because --

-I don't know.
I think that you really

have to know
the psychology of it.

And if you don't
get it just right,

then the potential clients
are gonna consider you fake.

-And what is
the psychology of it?

-Knowing what they're afraid of
and what they need to do

to make themselves feel better.

I mean, you have to kind of
know the person.

-Damn. Okay.

I guess the internet
made that possible, right?

That couldn't exist
before the internet.

-Actually, it's existed forever,

but the internet's made it
way easier to do.

The psychological name for it
is distance domination.

So they don't want
to actually meet the mistress.

They want to just go
in search of these women.

-Really?
-Yeah.

-So they want -- they actually
look for somebody

that can
financially dominate them.

-Yeah.
-Is it always women?

-It's usually women
dominating men.

The men are called cash piggies.

-Cash piggies?
-Cash piggies or human ATMs,

money slaves, pay pigs.
-Pay pigs?

-And they call themselves that.

They actually join websites
to self-identify as pay pigs.

-Wow. Okay.
-I know.

-Entirely new one for me.

Um, I got to think
a lot of online women

are trying to get into this --
this area.

-I mean, a lot of women do,

but I feel like not a lot of
women know how to do it right.

-All right. Well, a woman who
definitely knew what men wanted

and how to pretend
to give it to them --

Grace Jones as Katrina...

Phew! [Chuckles]
-I know. Good job.

-...is rolling along
as we continue with "Vamp."

So roll it.

You know, I sometimes
talk about things

that I don't fully understand.

-What?!
-Like --

[Laughter]

I keep saying the color
"moh-ve" [mauve],

and I don't know
what color that is.

What is mauve, anyway?
-Hey, wait a minute.

It's "maw-ve."

-It's "maw-ve"?
-Yeah.

-I thought it was "moh-ve."
[Laughter]

-You know, that explains a lot.
-Either way --

-I didn't know
what you were talking about.

I'm like, "Okay, 'moh-ve.'"
-Okay.

Either way, I don't even know
what it is. Is it pink?

-No, it's kind of purple-y.

-Well, if it's purple,
why don't you just say purple

instead of "maw-ve" or "moh-ve"?

-Because it's a little bit
lighter than, like,

a normal purple.

-But it's a soft color, right?

It's something you
put on Kleenex boxes

and bridesmaid dresses
and stuff like that?

-Maybe.
-It's not a sewer color.

-Not traditionally.

-I mean, you put mauve
in a sewer,

it gets overwhelmed by stink.

-It's just a color.

-Well, it's a color
that smells good.

You can't put "maw-ve"
in a sewer,

or "moh-ve" in a sewer.

-Neither one.
-[Laughs] Okay.

Cinematography 101, Darcy --
no mauve in waste facilities.

-Noted.

-"Maw-ve."
[Laughter]

♪

-Hey, bud, where have you been?
I've been making some progress.

-The police!
Did they get here yet?

Jesus Christ -- AJ's dead.

Stay here.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Door opens]

♪

♪

[Rattling]

It's occupied.

[Rattling]

There's somebody in --

Wh-Wh...

-Relax, will you?
It was just a joke!

-I thought you...

♪

You asshole!

You scared the shit out of me,
you know that?! Huh?!

-Relax, will you?
-Relax?!

You were dead.

You were in a Dumpster!

I thought that Snowflake
had killed you!

-Hey, I was rolled!

Anyone can have an off night!

-Off night?

We're out of here.
-You!

There's some uniformed gentlemen
in the back to see you.

-Look, I found my friend, okay.

-Yeah?

-But he --
[Sighs]

Well, he looked dead, anyway!

-He looks real dead to me.

-It was in the garbage that --
-Your friend here apparently

likes to flash his money around.

In this neighborhood,
that makes him a meal ticket.

-Hey, tell me about it --
I am a meal ticket.

I should know.
-Look, I just think --

-No, you look.
Now my stomach's all upset,

thanks to you
and your dead friend here.

This is not a nice area,
and I don't like coming to it.

So before I lock you up,
I want all three of you

out of here, go home!

-I've been trying to do that
for the past --

-Now!

-Officer, why don't I escort you
out personally?

I know you like to catch
the last act, am I right?

-Hey, guys, if you don't mind,
I'm going to catch the last act.

-Okay, we'll see you out there
in a few minutes, buddy.

I promise you'll never see us
in this neighborhood again,

Officer.

♪

♪

♪

♪

-I'm pissed at you.
-Mmm.

They treat you real good here.

-Looks like we can forget
about the fraternity.

Why don't we just
go back home, okay?

-What's the rush?

-AJ, give me a break, will you?

-Would you calm my friend
down here, please?

I've been telling him
for years to relax.

-I'm fine, I'm fine.
Let's just get out of here.

Please!

-That's not fair.

-Come on.

-[Snarls]

[Gasping, grunting]

♪

-Wait!
-[Grunts]

♪

♪

[Grunting, screaming]

♪

-I didn't think
you had it in you.

Yeah, looks like you discovered
the only way out of here, pal.

-What the hell are you
talking about?

-The club -- everyone here, man,
they're vampires.

Can't let you leave.

-[Gasping]

-We got a problem here.

-Yeah?
Why don't we go home?

We'll call a doctor
or something.

-[Chuckles]

You don't get it, do you?

Home is a million miles
away from me now.

Home's another planet!

[Winces]

I'm a fucking zombie now!

I mean, look at me!

Watch out, man!

You want to know
how bad things are?

I love you, Keith...

but all I can see
right now is food.

And I'm starving.

You're carrying my next meal
around with you in your veins!

They got me,
they got me real good.

-Okay, well, why don't you take
what you need for now?

You know, to get you through?

-[Chuckles] That's too much.
You're so nice!

Do I look like a mosquito? No.

I can't be trusted, buddy.

Will you look at my clothes?

They're ruined!

Do I look real bad?

You know, it's just
like the movies --

you can't see yourself.

There's no reflection.

It's weird.

♪ No pill's gonna
cure my ill ♪

[Grunts]

♪

-Jesus, you're really
gonna do it, aren't you?

You're gonna kill me.

AJ, do me a favor, huh?

-For old times' sake?

Sure, buddy. Anything.

Anything at all.

-No, not anything.

Just one thing.

Make sure I don't
come back like you, okay?

-Hey, you think I like this?

Or them?
They're boring creeps!

They don't call 'em
walking dead for nothing!

Try talking to one of them
sometime.

-I am.

♪

♪

-Come on, man,

just take me out.

Just kill me.
I can't go on like this.

-AJ, I...

-Come on!

♪

-Shit.

-You can't, can you?

Even though you know
it works, you can't!

It does work, you know --
the fire, the wooden stakes,

the sunlight!

I've got a list
right here somewhere...

♪

You're ready to die for me,
aren't you?

You would, 'cause you can't
believe that I'm not me anymore.

Maybe there's something left,
huh?

Jesus Christ, maybe there is.

Nah.

[Wincing]

Sorry, pal.

[Groaning]

Now get lost fast.

Go on!

And remember, you can burn them
or keep them from their coffins

past sunrise.

I think you know the other one.

[Gasps]

[Groans]

-[Gasps]

-Dedee Pfeiffer --
she just pops in and out

of the movie at convenient
plot moments, right?

Dedee Pfeiffer plays Allison,

and she calls this her favorite
movie of her entire career.

-Shut up. That's awesome.
-She was just one year

into her acting career
when "Vamp" was filmed.

Her sister was already
a big star.

She had starred in "Scarface"
and...

But Dedee had trouble
getting started in the business.

They had both grown up
in Orange County,

a few miles south of Hollywood,
but there's a big jump, though,

from the Disneyland suburbs
to the Paramount backlot.

And actually,
this movie, though,

was filmed at Ren-mar Studios.

Today it's called Red Studios.

Have you ever worked there,
on Cahuenga Boulevard?

-I don't think so.

-One of one of the least famous
lots in L.A.

If you're driving down Cahuenga,

you could easily mistake it
for a parking garage.

So, um, Dedee starts out.

John Landis gave her a bit part
as a hooker

in "Into the Night" so that
she could get her SAG card.

And then she does
some guesting on TV.

And then her breakout is playing
Cybill Shepherd's daughter

on the series "Cybill,"
four seasons on CBS.

And then she did a "Playboy"
spread in 2002,

and then she disappeared
for a long time.

She said it was caused
by some kind of addiction,

but when she came back
sober in 2020,

her career revived big-time.

She became a series regular
in "Big Sky" on ABC.

So that's Dedee Pfeiffer.

I haven't talked much about the
main characters in the movie.

Chris Makepeace, as Keith,
is a Canadian actor

best known for his roles

in "Meatballs"
and "My Bodyguard."

He was also in a very good movie
that nobody much talks about

called
"The Falcon and the Snowman."

Um, but after 20 years
in Hollywood,

he officially
retired from acting,

doesn't like to do interviews,

doesn't like to reminisce
about the past.

His partner in crime,
the smooth-talking AJ,

is Robert Rusler,

a surfer and a martial artist
turned actor

who had broken into the business
big-time the year before this

with major roles
in both "Weird Science" and

"A Nightmare on Elm Street 2:
Freddy's Revenge."

-Yeah.
-He was expected to have

a star career because he is just
so damn good-looking,

but -- and he has gotten
good work ever since then.

Still working today.

Never had
that magic breakout role.

He was a regular
on "Babylon 5."

Um, the "Last Drive-in" audience
would probably know him

from the Stephen King TV movie
"Sometimes They Come Back.

Uh, and believe it or not,

he starred as Fuad Ramses,
the maniac Egyptian caterer,

in the 2016 remake
of "Blood Feast,"

the original gore film
that we featured

on the first
"Last Drive-in" marathon.

We showed the original
Herschell Gordon Lewis classic

from 1963, which was awful,

and the remake
was not much better.

Um, and, oh, yeah --
Gedde Watanabe as Duncan,

the horny nerd with the car
and the credit cards.

Um, he was semi-famous
at the time

as Long Duk Dong
in "Sixteen Candles,"

which had come out
two years earlier.

He got unfairly
criticized for that.

Um, there's an NPR article
out there somewhere

that calls it themost offensive
Asian stereotype role

that Hollywood
ever gave America.

-Aw!

-It sort of overshadowed
what I thought

was a great performance
by him in that movie.

Anyway, that was
his breakout role.

After growing up
in San Francisco's Chinatown,

he studied at the
American Conservatory Theater.

He became a street singer.

He did lots of
guest roles on TV.

Probably his best known movies
other than "Sixteen Candles"

would be "Gung Ho"
and "Gremlins 2: The New Batch."

He accepted the "Vamp" role

because it did not
require him to be Asian.

They don't deal
with his Asian-ness at all.

It was secondary
to the character.

Unfortunately, I don't think
most of the comedy material

that they wrote for him
was that strong.

I mean, it's tough
being the goofy sidekick

unless you're really,
really, really funny.

-Aw. He was cute, though.

-All right. Darcy, um,
we don't have much time

for fetishes left in "Joe Bob's
Very Violent Valentine,"

so hit me with a good one.

-All righty.
This one is one of my favorites.

[Drum roll plays]
-All right.

-Hypnosis leading to robotics.

-That sounds complicated.
-[Laughs]

You're hypnotized to believing
that you're a mindless robot.

-Okay. Who's hypnotized?

-A woman is hypnotized by a man.

I mean, it probably can be
the other way around,

but this is the one that I know.

-And the hypnotized woman
becomes an android?

-This is more like mind control.

Once you're hypnotized,
you go into a really deep sleep,

but then you have your triggers
that are placed

in your subconscious
that make you do sexual things.

-Okay. Very complicated.
-Little complicated.

-You're a robot.

But you have these implanted
urges to sexually satisfy a man.

-Absolutely. You got it.

-Is this really possible?
-Yeah.

It's, like -- it's a really
elaborate role play.

It's a guy who wants to believe
that he can control a woman

to be his robot concubine.

-And when you say robot, does
the woman move like a robot?

[Laughter]

-Yep. Just like this.
Must. Have. Sex. Now.

[Laughter]

-So it's a fetish --
-Basically that.

-So it's a fetish
for sci-fi fans,

like, uh, half-human,
half-machine?

-Yeah, I guess so.
I just know it's really popular.

-This has been a continual
education in the sex habits

of the American public,
so thank you, Darcy.

-You're welcome.
-And now let's continue

with the sex education
of Gedde Watanabe.

Roll the flick!

You know that another thing

that pisses me off
about this movie --

You know that scene --

You know that death scene

where Cimmaron gets a high heel
through the heart?

-Yeah. Of course. Love her.

-Uh, Lisa Lyon --
I've talked about her before.

-Yes.
-So I'm thinking that

when they wrote that scene,

that had to be
a spiked high heel, right?

Goes through the heart.
It's a stiletto.

Why -- Why do they call it
a stiletto heel?

Because the heel looks like
a wicked, slender knife, right?

-Yeah.
Where are you going with this?

-Well, the high heel
that kills her in the movie

looks like something from
the discount bin at Payless

previously worn by
a junior high science teacher.

It does not look like
a stiletto heel.

-I think you're right
about that one.

-I mean, I think
it was a two-inch heel

with scuff marks on the toe.

I mean, they're shooting
in downtown L.A.

Couldn't they send
somebody over --

where do strippers shop
in downtown L.A.?

-Um, Cupid's Closet?
Pleasure Chest?

-Okay, so how far by car
would those places be

from Cahuenga Boulevard?
-I don't know.

-$10 Uber ride to get
a six-inch spiked high heel.

-I don't think
they had Uber in 1986.

-Well, $20 cab ride in 1986
to get a spiked high heel.

Lazy filmmaking, Darcy.

Lazy vampire-stripper
filmmaking.

-I see your point.

[Laughter]

♪

-Last call, gentlemen,
last call.

Hope you enjoyed the show.

Don't forget our
single man's special,

all you can drink for a dollar.

Come alone, you drink
yourselves into another world.

[Jazzy tune playing]

-♪ I know a lot
about the world outside ♪

-Hit the 8 ball, go 'head.

-Hey!
-We're leaving.

-That's not fair,
I only had to promise him $50!

-Now!
I'll explain later.

-Guys!

-Excuse me, there seems to be
a little problem with your bill!

♪

-♪ I thought of livin'
and I thought of dyin' ♪

♪ I've given up until I... ♪

-When it clears out,
why don't you and me

go in the back
and handle it personally?

-Call the police! These people,
they're all vampires!

-That doesn't make them
bad people!

-Listen, AJ's dead!
-Again?

-Excuse me.
-Vampires?!

Vampires.
[Laughing]

-You don't think you're going
to get away with this, do you?

-Of course -- you know how
many people disappear

off the face
of the earth every year?

Not thousands --
tens of thousands.

You're a statistic, kid.
-Why us?

Why did you pick on us?

-It was a mistake, okay?

It was a little error there,
little communication error.

I'm sorry.
-We'll be missed.

They're gonna
come looking for us.

-Who will? Who'd you tell that
you were coming here?

Nobody tells anybody when
they come to a joint like this!

Quite a racket, huh?

You see, I run
an essential service here.

Waste disposal.
Oh, yeah.

Look around,
look who comes here.

The sickies, the degenerates,
the forlorn, the lost,

the lowlifes, the fucking dregs
of humanity wind up here,

and we take care of them.

It costs you nothing.

-Yeah, just my best friend.

-Hey, nobody's perfect,
okay?

I do the best I can
with what I got.

Your self-pity makes me sick.

You know that?

Listen kid,
I used to own this club.

You know who worked here?

Louis Prima, Buddy Greco,

Phil Harris -- class!

Wait a second,
where are you going?

What are you trying to do?
Get out of here?

Why?

There's more of us out there!

Oh, yeah!

So where are you going?

Here, there...

We're everywhere.

Can I ask you something?

You ever been to Vegas?

-Hey, how about you buying me
and my friends a last round?

Kind of a last request.

Like they do in Vegas!

-They do that in Vegas?

Whoa, that's classy!
Now, that's classy.

Sure. Excuse me!

Would you give this gentleman
whatever he wants.

Give me a...
brandy!

Make it three.

Make them doubles.
Triples!

Hell, leave the whole bottle
when you're done.

I'm not driving anywhere.

-♪ You'll find your sanity ♪

♪ Lost and found ♪

♪

Spill these all over the place!

♪

-Oops! Oh, I'm sorry, excuse me.

Have a drink.

♪

To Vegas!

Oh!
-[Laughs]

♪

-[Hissing]

-Whoa!

-[Yelling]

♪

-Come on!

Trap door!

-Okay, you win, I'm gone.

[Cash register dings]

-What the hell are you doing?
-The bitch owes me money!

♪

-This way.

♪

♪

♪

♪

-♪ Old black magic
has me in its spell ♪

-I would have loved
to have seen Vegas.

Once.

Just once.

♪

-♪ Same old tingle
that I feel inside ♪

♪

-Ahh! My first drink

in 75 years.

♪

Vlad...

To the good old days!

♪

-♪ Only your kiss
-♪ Put out the fire ♪

[Car door closes,
engine sputtering]

♪

[Tires squeal]

♪

♪

[Tires screech]

Shit.

[Tires screeching]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Guys!

♪

♪

[Duncan groaning, gasping]

-How you doing
back there, Dunc?

-I'm hungry!

-He's okay!

-No, I mean I'm starving.

-Yeah, well,
we'll order some pizza

when we get back to school,
if that's okay with y--

[Duncan groaning]

♪

[Chuckles]

-[Screaming]

[Tires screeching]

-[Snarling]

♪

[Tires blow]

♪

♪

Guys!

♪

Guys!

♪

-Okay, that was the first
two endings of "Vamp."

[Laughter]

I think I counted one time.
The movie ends five times.

Actually, we've had
three endings already.

Death of AJ,
burning of the strip club,

head on collision that blows up
the bad guys and kills Duncan.

And we're not nearly finished.

And once again, the geography of
this flick is all cattywampus.

To escape
the burning strip club,

they go down
into the basement

to take the freight elevator
up to the street level,

and now they're going to
start flitting around again

to multiple locations.

The movie was first envisioned
by Donald Borchers.

Before this, Borchers had
worked with Roger Corman.

He produced one of our favorites
around here, "Angel."

-Yeah.
-In 1983.

Plus, his main claim to fame was
"Children of the Corn in 1984.

I think he's made that movie
at least three times now.

Um, there was a TV movie,
there was a remake of it.

-There's a lot of
"Children of the Corn."

-Yeah.
So anyway, Borchers created

a poster
for a movie called "Vamp"

before the movie existed,

and then he set out to find
somebody to make that movie.

So he happened to see
Richard Wenk's short film

"Dracula Bites the Big Apple,"

and he liked it so much
that he sought Wenk out,

and he showed him the poster
and he said,

"Do you want
to make this movie?"

And Wenk said, "Yeah.
What's the story?"

And Borcher said, "Well,
you need to figure that out.

All I care about is the story
has to have three things

strippers,
college students and vampires."

And so Wenk said, "Okay,"
because, you know,

it was his first chance
to direct a feature,

and he wrote the script
in one weekend.

And then Wenk never really
came back to full time

feature directing.
He did a lot of television.

Um, he actually became
more famous as a writer

and a script doctor
than a director.

He only directed
two other movies,

"Just the Ticket" in 1998 with
Andy Garcia and Andie McDowell,

love Story, major flop.

And Wish-- "Wishcraft" in 2002.

Horror flick that also flopped.

-Oh, I like that one actually.
-You like that one?

-Yeah.
-However,

don't feel sorry for him.

He wrote "The Equalizer"
and all "The Equalizer" sequels.

He wrote "The Expendables 2,"
he wrote

"Jack Reacher: Never Go Back,"

so he's doing just fine
in Hollywood.

-What? Okay.
-Okay, Darcy,

I hope you have chosen yet
one more fetish for me,

because this is probably the
final kink in our kink arsenal.

Better be a good one.
What you got?

-Well, I think no list
of fetishes would be complete

without honoring...

the furries.

-The furries.
-Yes.

-Of course.

People that dress up
in bear suits to have sex.

-I mean, not just bears,
all kinds of animals,

including creatures
that don't really exist.

-And they are fun people.

We have quite a few furries

who come to all the shows
that we do.

-Yeah, we do.
-Both the conventions.

They come to the jamboree,

and they're usually not
in costume, though,

because -- and the fact
that they're not in costume,

does that mean
that it's more of a thing

you do only in
the bedroom or...?

-I think there's -- there's a
bit of a stigma attached to it.

So they tend to dress up only
in the company of other furries.

-And are some animals more
popular than -- than others?

When they do their thing?

-They -- they really like
animals that are semi-human.

So animals in the media
that can walk or talk,

like science fiction creatures,

anime creatures,
fantasy creatures.

Furries are the ultimate
nerd group,

all about unique self-expression
without judgment.

They are pretty much
the kindest people in the world

because they truly believe
in an all inclusive world.

Unlike people
who just say they do.

-That's kind of inspiring,
actually.

-I think so, too.

-So -- So what they are
is performance artists

who incorporate
their performance art

into their whole lifestyle.

-That is a fancy way
of saying it, but yes.

-I like the terms that they use.

The fur-- fursona.
-Ah, yeah.

-They develop a fursona
and develop it

throughout their lives.

-True. What do you think
your fursona would be?

-My fursona?
-Yeah.

-I don't know.

Wolverine.
[Laughter]

-No, that's --
No, that's not you.

I feel like we should invite
the mutant fam

to come up with the fursona.

-Really?
-Persona, however you say it,

for Joe Bob.

Yeah, dude, of course. I want
to hear what they come up with.

Not wolverine.
It ain't wolverine.

-It's not wolverine?
-It ain't Wolverine.

-Okay, well anyway, furries --

-Send up some pics.
Draw some pics.

-Send some pics?
-Yeah.

-Why are you doing this, Darcy?
-Because it's fun.

-Okay, it's one of
the better kinks though,

because you can't just sum it up
in a single activity

or a particular way
of having sex.

It's a group that thinks
outside the box sexually.

-Exactly.

-And Richard Wenk
is a director

who thinks outside
the screenplay box.

[Laughing] And so we will now
see that...

-That was bad.
-In the conclusion of "Vamp."

So, roll it.

You shouldn't have done that.

-Oh, I'm so happy I did that.

-You know that speech
that -- that -- that Vic makes?

-Oh, yeah, I love Vic.

I'm so sad for him that
he never gets to go to Vegas.

-Well, yeah, that's a --
that's a good speech.

But, you know,
I'm thinking about the one

where he says this club
used to be so classy.

All the big names,

and then he names three
entertainers that I'm willing

to bet 99% of our audience
cannot relate to.

And those were Louis Prima.
You know him?

-No.
-Um, New Orleans bandleader,

Vegas lounge singer,
dozens of albums,

hit songs,
five decades as a star.

Then he names Buddy Greco.

-No idea.
[Laughter]

-Remember the Rat Pack?
Uh, Vegas lounge singer.

Many hit songs,
eight decade career.

Alright,
how about Phil Harris?

-The bear in "The Jungle Book."
Baloo, man.

And the comedy record
"The Thing.

-Really?
-Yeah.

-You know that guy?
-I do know that guy.

-Okay, good call.
Also comedian,

orchestra leader,
radio star, seven decade career.

Anyway, it's true that
a lot of those, um,

rundown theaters in downtown LA
were at one time

the most sophisticated
show places in America.

So, you've heard Phil Harris
sing "The Thing?"

-Yeah, it's classic.

-You know, back when a novelty
record could hit the charts.

-Yeah, like when "Monster Mash"
became a hit.

-"Monster Mash."

You know, if we had that kind of
music industry today,

my reinterpretation
of "Zombie Jamboree"

would probably be a big hit.

-Let's not go that far.

-You didn't like
my reinterpretation

of "Zombie Jamboree?"

-It was fine.

[Laughter]

I mean, I loved it.
It was so good.

You should play it now.

♪ Zombie jamboree ♪

[Laughter]

Okay. [Laughs]

♪

[Static]

-Wait, wait! Wait! Wait!

Move!

-Looks like we're not
the first ones to be

midnight shopping,
it was already bent.

-Find some bullets.

-Will this help?
-You got ammo with that?

-You mean bullets? No.
Hey, where'd you get that?

-Get back!
I'm good with this, believe me.

-Look, no fangs! Come on.
-Who are you?

-I -- I -- I -- um...

-Your name.
Tell me your real name!

-Um, I --
Uh --

This isn't exactly the time
I had in mind.

I thought maybe --

[Screams, vampire gasping]

♪

♪

Did you actually think
I could have been one of those?!

-I -- I --

No.

♪

This way!

♪

-Yeah, we're saved!
-Thank God for mass transit.

Come on!

-Last stop!
-I don't need this!

[Snarling]

♪

♪

[Engine revving]

♪

Talk about timing, come on!

♪

♪

[Vampires snarling, hissing]

-What gang is this?

-[Hissing, snarling]

-Wait!

♪

Come on, help me!

-Keith!

It's time.

-What?
-My name!

I'm Allison --
Allison Hicks, remember?

Seaside Heights,
summer vacation, 5th grade.

We were in Sue Leonard's
basement,

we were playing spin the bottle.

And I spun, and it landed on
Moose, and you kinda

pushed the bottle, and I didn't
have to kiss him,

and ended up kissing you.
Remember now?

-Yeah!
You have incredible timing.

-Thanks!

Are you sure
it's safe down here?

-Trust me, this is
an abandoned system.

I've been here before.

[Footsteps]
-What was that?

-Probably just a wino
or something.

-In high heels?

-Come on!

♪

Here!

♪

Come on!

♪

♪

♪

-I have matches here somewhere.

-Don't!
I smell something.

[Sniffs]

-[Gasps]

♪

I think we should leave.

-This was not a very good idea.

♪

[Creaking]

♪

[Footsteps]

♪

♪

-[Groaning]

♪

♪

♪

-[Screams]

♪

♪

-Allison,
the matches.

-You called me Allison.

-The matches.

♪

[Vampires screaming]

♪

♪

♪

Allison!

-Keith!

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Snarls]

[Allison shuddering]

♪

-God, shoot her.

Shoot her, please.

No.

♪

♪

Keith.

♪

[Screams]

♪

♪

-[Gasps]

-[Gasping]

♪

-[Grunts]

♪

Let's go!

♪

-[Gasping]

♪

[Laughs]

-Come on!
-There's something I've got

to do first.

-[Snarling]

♪

♪

[Laughs]
[Pipe clanks]

♪

♪

♪

[Groaning]

♪

♪

♪

[Screaming]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Ah, you're bleeding!

-Oh, it's nothing!

[Kissing, sucking]

-This can get infected, we'll
have to have this checked out.

Thanks.

-Uh, hon?
Come up here a second.

I want to show you something.

-What?

God!
Is that supposed to be funny?

-No, it's not.

[Screams]

♪

-You killed my Katrina!
You both must die!

[Stake sticks,
Vlad groaning]

-Well, don't everybody
thank me all at once.

But--

-Formica.
Go figure.

Hi, Allison!

R-relax!
I'll take care of this somehow!

-This has been one wacky night.

-You're telling me?

I'm going to need
some new clothes here.

Wait!
Where are you going?

After all these years
you don't trust me?

I can handle this, you know.

Look, there's always
night school!

-Hi, there.
-Hi!

-And jobs!

I'll take a graveyard shift!

Yeah, that's what I'll do!

Keith?!
-Relax!

I'll take care of everything.

Follow us!
-[Chuckles]

-I'm right below you, pal!

Hey, you guys live in a barn
or what?

-♪ Volare ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh

♪ Cantare, whoah oh oh oh ♪

♪ Let's fly
way up to the clouds ♪

♪ Away from
the maddening crowds ♪

♪ We can sing in the glow
of a star that I know of ♪

♪ Where lovers enjoy
peace of mind ♪

♪ Let us leave the confusion
and all disillusion behind ♪

♪ Just like birds of a feather ♪

♪ A rainbow together
we'll find ♪

♪ Volare, whoa oh oh oh ♪

♪ Cantare, whoa oh oh oh ♪

♪ No wonder
my happy heart sings ♪

♪ Your love
has given me wings ♪

-♪ Volare♪
-♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

[Vocalizing]

♪

♪ Let's fly
way up to the clouds ♪

♪ Away from
the maddening crowds ♪

♪ We can sing in the glow
of a star that I know of ♪

♪ Where lovers enjoy
peace of mind ♪

♪ Let us leave the confusion
and all disillusion behind ♪

♪ Just like birds of a feather ♪

♪ A rainbow together
we'll find ♪

♪ Volare ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Cantare ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ No wonder
my happy heart sings ♪

♪ Your love has given me wings ♪

♪ Little baby, your love
has given me wings ♪

♪ Oh, oh, your love has given
me wings ♪

♪

♪

-♪ I still remember ♪

♪ I still love ♪

♪ I still remember ♪

♪ Where I came from ♪

♪ Lover to lover ♪

♪ Days in the sun ♪

♪ Moment by moment ♪

♪ Passed and done ♪

♪ I still remember ♪

♪ I still love ♪

♪ I still remember ♪

♪ Where I came from ♪

♪ Seduction surrender ♪

♪ Lover to lover ♪

♪ Days in the sun ♪

♪ Moment by moment ♪

♪ Passed and done ♪

♪ Seduction surrender ♪

-Uh, so we have
four more endings.

[Laughter]

I think it's a total
of six endings.

First, we have the fight
with the vampires,

which, by the way,
seem to have turned

into zombies at the end.

They surround
Keith and Allison,

but then the albino gang shows
up again and they get away.

And what is Billy Drago
doing in this movie?

And you know, earlier when I was
describing Billy Drago's career,

I forgot to mention he starred
in "Freeway," the other freeway,

the one in 1988 where he's
the crazed serial killer priest.

And, um, also,
I should have mentioned

that he's the head
of the mutant family

in "The Hills Have Eyes" remake.

Anyway, after they get away,

they go down
into the sewers again

and they find the crypts
and the coffins,

and they light the vampires
on fire a second time,

because apparently the vampires
store gasoline barrels

right next to
where they sleep.

And then during
the conflagration,

Allison is apparently
kidnaped by Katrina.

So we get that elaborate kill
scene with the heart staking

and the arrow through the head,
which doesn't work,

and then the sunlight bathing,
which does work.

And then there's the part
where AJ kills Vlad,

who's about to kill
Keith and Allison.

[Sighs]

-Such a hater, man.
-So the budget

for "Vamp" was $3.3 million.

I mean, that should
have been plenty

for a movie like this.
[Laughter]

And that bought them
25 shooting days

beginning on January 28, 1986,

which happens to be the day
of the Space shuttle

Challenger disaster...
-Oh, wow.

-...and it was released
later that year.

And it was basically
a break even movie,

didn't lose money,
didn't make money.

One interesting story
is they had to rerecord

some of the soundtrack.

So Grace Jones had to come into
the studio to do her screams

and her growls and everything.

So she shows up at the studio
in an outfit

that had jangly metal
all over it,

and every time
they would do a take,

the outfit
would mess up the audio.

So she just took off
all her clothes

and did the recording
session naked.

-She's a freaking icon, man.

-Oh, what did you think
of the movie?

-What? I love it.

And why did you only give it

two and a half stars?

-Well, I thought
the acting was weak.

It was maybe under-rehearsed.

I thought the structure
was loosey goosey.

I thought the set pieces
were lazy.

It was kind of one set piece
after another.

They didn't always fit together.

-It has a really fun 80s vibe.

Vampire strippers
and Grace Jones.

What is not to love?

-Also, too much comedy,
not enough horror.

It's like
"Ferris Bueller's Day Off"

meets "Fright Night,"

but with lamer production values
than either of those two.

-I mean, you're making
it sound really good.

We've shown way
worse movies than this

that got at least
three stars from you.

-I admit I'm in the minority.

This movie is loved
by hardcore horror fans,

and everybody points out that

"From Dusk Till Dawn"
is the same story

ten years later.

I would also mention
"Bordello of Blood"

is the same story
that's another variation...

-Always mention
"Bordello of Blood."

-Yeah.
-Four stars for me

for this one.

-Because it's fun.

-Yeah, actually.
[Laughter]

Would you like some
meaningful mailbag for a change?

-Meaningful mailbag?
-Yes, sir.

-You know I hate
meaningful mailbag

'cause I know
what you mean by that.

-You need to read this one

from Beth Rogers
of Hixson, Tennessee.

-Girl ballerina stationary.
All right.

-Let's go.
-"Dear Mr. Joe Bob,

it's me, Beth,
Okay Elizabeth on Instagram.

I will spare you
my entire life story.

You heard it in Chattanooga
at the Chattanooga Film Festival

in 2019,
and parts of it from Audra,

my lifelong best female friend
that I share core memories with.

Many, including your shows.

I dragged her
and another bestie with us,

my husband and I, to Memphis
for the jamboree.

We had a wonderful time

and planned on coming out
to Vegas this year,

but then in July
I was diagnosed

with stage three triple
negative breast cancer.

Do not be alarmed!

In case you don't know
anything about cancers,

well, this is basically
the worst kind of breast cancer

to get, it's very treatable
and I will definitely beat this

and maybe live forever.

Hahaha. It is obviously life
changing and difficult,

but while some aspects of
this actual battle are 'scary,'"

in quotes, "I am not worried.

I am," quote,
"'young and healthy.'

Doctor's words and confident
in the team doing all the work.

Tennessee oncologists
got me set.

There's lots of cool
things here, like new boobs.

I get new boobs hahaha.

I quit smoking
and I'm more hydrated than ever.

I need to get to the point
as my hand is cramping

and I wanted this
to be legible.

You wrote me after I got my
Tenebrios wall in the auction.

That really surprised me.
-Aww.

-You were such
an awesome dude, Joe Bob,

I think I'll be done
with all of this cancer mess

by summer, early fall,
hopefully sooner.

So I cannot take you up
on the free ticket offer.

Until the --" when you --

I, uh, offer free tickets
to the Jamboree.

Um, when people buy
something in the auction.

Okay, uh,
"I must avoid crowds,

but, and this is
quite unlike me,

please understand, I saw that
you're filming in Senoia."

We are filming in Senoia,
Georgia, uh,

"And Chattanooga
is pretty close.

Would it be possible
for myself and my husband,

if not also
Nicolette and Audra,

to come visit the set
or see a taping?

We're still looking at spring,
early spring, late winter,

maybe because I'm on chemo
for three months."

When did she send this?
This would be now, I guess.

"I'm not sure how
I'll be handling it.

Even short road trips
might be hard.

I know this is a big ask.

I don't know, maybe by then
you'll all be done

and you can come up here
and do a show.

Do your redneck show again,
I'll get you your free tickets.

It's not as if
I'd not met y'all last year,

and I got a cameo from you,
and I sent a cameo from you.

And I've seen you at Chattanooga
Film Festival twice.

Ha ha ha. So I'll always be
a loyal fan for life,

no matter if you don't
even read this.

But I have a feeling you will."
-We read it.

-"Thank you.

Darcy and everyone,
but mostly you,

for nurturing my keen interests

and being accessible
and gracious.

I hated missing Vegas,

but I will be back victorious
with new boobs."

-Yeah.
-"Oh, I meant to mention,

even if the tone of the letter
is kind of somber,

I have a really
great mentality on this.

Profound compliments
from people about it.

Again, please do not worry,
this is just my little mutant

Make-A-Wish for 39 year olds.
Ha ha ha. Have fun in Georgia.

We'll be watching also,
just to reiterate,

I don't usually make ask,
I'm a generous helper

and I feel weird
asking for anything,

but it never hurts to ask.

My expectations
are quite tempered.

Please feel no obligation."

Um, "But if you're doing
a show after my chemo,

hopefully I can take you up
on your original offer.

We'd even come to Georgia
if you don't hit up the Noog.

Happy season six
and much love, Beth Rogers."

And then she included a card
for the crew.

"Joe Bob, Darcy, John B, Yuki,
Justin, everyone,

thank you for making
Friday nights spooky,

weird and fun again.

I get to impose
on my friends schedules

and feed them soup
and share good laughs with them,

using the last drive
in as a lure of sorts.

We just love the show
and you guys are amazing.

Beth and nuts and Audra
and Nicolette."

And then there's a picture,

I guess this is me with...

Uh, Beth at the 2019
Chattanooga Film Festival.

"The first time
we got to meet you."

All right, well,
I didn't know this happened.

Um, uh, we normally
don't have people on the set.

I mean, once a year,
we auction off, um...

a set visit,
but come on down, Beth.

Um... [Sighs]

As soon as you finish
that last chemo

and we'll -- we'll set it up.

I don't know if you've
ever been to Senoia,

but they have a sign
at the city limits that says

"Welcome to Senoia,
the charming as fuck city."

It's one of those charming
as fuck towns

with the cute little
Main Street and the B&B,

and I hate being beat.

Anyway, we're -- we're --
we're rooting for you, Beth.

And stop doing this.

-I know you love it.
-You're supposed to do

one a year,
what the -- You know?

-You're starting a new year.
-All right.

-And I guess that's it for

"Joe Bob's
Very Violent Valentine."

And, Darcy,
I want to thank you

for teaching me the ins and outs
of these kinks tonight.

-Boy, it's my pleasure.

And I'm just --
I'm really curious.

Are any of tonight's kinks
speaking to you?

-Any of these kinks?
-Yeah.

-On the -- on the board?
-Any of them looking good?

-Well, definitely
not hematolagnia,

blood drinking and not --
-Why?

-Definitely not femdom.

And definitely not being
swallowed whole

and definitely --
well, serial killing.

-You cannot pick serial killing.

Pick another one.
-Um...

What was formico...philia?

-Kitchen table.

-The kitchen table? No.

-Wasn't it?
-No.

-Formicophilia was, uh --

Oh, that was bugs.
No, no, no.

No, no, no.
[Laughter]

I don't know.
Like maybe pi sexual.

That's about the only one.

That's like, seems...
-Oh, really?

-Seems safe and interesting.

I don't know.
-Interests you, does it?

-I'm Joe Bob Briggs,
speaking for

myself and Darcy,
the mail girl,

reminding you of the eternal law

of traffic variation.

Anytime you change lanes,

the one you were in
will always move faster

than the one you're in now.

But the drive-in will never die.

A young doctor moves
to a small community --

A community like
Senoia, Georgia --

to replace the doctor
who's retiring.

And the older doc says,
"Come on,

accompany me on my rounds

so the community can meet you."

So at the first house
they come to,

a woman says, "I've been
a little sick to my stomach."

And the older doctor says,

"Well, you're probably
overdoing the fresh fruit.

Cut back on that and see
if that does the trick."

So as the doctors are leaving,
the younger man says,

"You didn't even examine
that woman.

How did you come up
with that diagnosis so quickly?"

And he answers him, "Well,
I didn't have to examine her.

Did you notice I dropped
my stethoscope on the floor?

Well, when I went bent over
to pick it up,

I noticed a half dozen
banana peels in the trash.

That's what was probably
making her sick."

The younger doctor says,
"Pretty clever,

if you don't mind,
I'm gonna try that

at the next house."

So the next house,
they spend several minutes

talking to a young woman
and she says,

"I just don't have
the energy I once did.

I'm feeling terribly run down,"
and the young doctor says,

"You're probably doing
too much for the church.

You should cut back a bit
on your church activities

and see if that helps."

As they're leaving,
the elder doctor says,

"I know that woman well.

Your diagnosis
is almost certainly correct,

but how did you arrive at that?"

And the young doctor says,
"Same way you did.

I drop my stethoscope, and when
I bent down to pick it up,

I saw the preacher
under the bed."

[Laughter]

Oh, my God.

that was like --

[Laughter]

Wow.

I think I might like it.

♪ We are Drive-In Mutants
Drive-In Mutants ♪

♪ We are not like
other people, other people ♪

♪ We are sick
We are disgusting ♪

♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Yeah we believe in ♪

♪ Blood and breasts
and beasts ♪

♪ Yeah we believe in ♪

♪ Blood and breasts
and beasts ♪

♪ If life had a vomit meter

♪ We'd be off the scale ♪

♪ As long as
one Drive-In remains ♪

♪ On the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party
like jungle animals ♪

♪

♪ We will boogie 'til we puke ♪

♪ The Drive-In will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie 'til we puke ♪

♪ The Drive-In will never die ♪

♪ Yeah we believe in blood ♪

♪ And breasts and beasts ♪

♪ We believe in blood ♪

♪ And breasts and beasts ♪

♪ Yeah we believe in ♪

-Made in Georgia.