Original subtitles

-Well, Darcy, you know,

we couldn't do a special called

"Joe Bob's Very Violent Valentine"

without having some vampire strippers.

-Of course not. -Because a combination

of the blood sucking violence with the sex,

along with the Valentine's Day tradition

of going to strip clubs, is --

-Don't think there's a Valentine's Day tradition

of going to strip clubs. [Laughter]

-No, if you don't have a Valentine,

you go to a strip club so you won't be lonely.

-Oh, okay. I'll accept that.

-And most viewers of "The Last Drive-In"

don't have Valentines. Let's face it.

-Ah! Why would you say that?

-But -- they tell me.

They hang out with us, instead of exchanging

teddy bears and having monster sex

in a champagne glass hotel room

in the Poconos or whatever they do.

-I know that we also have a lot of very happy

Valentine's couples in the mutant family.

-Right, and that's because at some point in history

the guy went to a strip club on Valentine's Day

and met the perfect stripper.

-[Chuckles] That's nuts.

-Alright, anyway, that's my theory.

I'm going with that theory. -Good theory.

Are you thinking of "From Dusk Till Dawn"

when you talk about vampire strippers?

-Well, of course I'm thinking about "From Dusk Till Dawn."

But what we do on "The Last Drive-In"

is we go deep into the history of horror,

and we find the origins of everything.

And so we go to the original vampire stripper movie,

the one made 10 years before "From Dusk Till Dawn."

You know what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about "Vamp,"

starring Grace Jones as vampire stripper numero uno.

And also we can't afford "From Dusk Till Dawn."

-I know, I know.

I was just hoping.

I hope that you're still doing the fetishes, though,

because I feel like you've missed a few important ones.

-Well, yeah, we're doing the fetishes.

We've got, you know, the Kink-A-Rama chart

is still incomplete. -Yeah.

-We're -- we're ready to go with that,

but there are so many thousands of fetishes

that I don't think will do full justice to this concept.

-I don't either. [Laughs] -I mean, I hope we can.

I hope we're freeing the libidos of millions

of messed up people who were thinking,

"Wow, I thought I was the only person

practicing Walt Disney bathroom plunger scrotum implosion

on a regular basis. But Joe Bob is talking about it,

so I don't have to feel guilty anymore."

-So, what exactly is that?

-What is what.

-Walt Disney scrotum implosion?

-Yeah. -I don't know for sure.

It involves a Tinkerbell action figure, I'm not sure.

But my point is, once again, we have loaded up this show

with so many bonus features, like the Kink-A-Rama chart here

that it's hard to get through all the topics we need to cover.

And speaking of bathroom plungers,

because I'm, you know, I'm still upset.

-Oh, my God. -The reason I'm a little

discombobulated... [sighs]

-The hotel has not -- still not fixed my faulty sink stopper.

-I can't believe you're going to talk about this

in the middle of the show.

-Well, how do you expect me to get ready for the show?

That's why I didn't have time to find the right Bolo

or, you know, get the costume together.

-I love your bolo, and you brought this up at lunch,

and I can't believe you're still cranky about it.

-Well, let's see who agrees with me on this.

If I talk about it -- -Let's not. Let's not do that.

-No, listen, how are you supposed to make water

stay in the bathroom sink in the hotel?

-I know you're going to tell us.

-Let me tell you how not to make water

stay in the bathroom sink, by pulling on that silver

upside down plunger thingy

that's located between the faucets on the back of the sink.

Supposedly, if you pull up on that thing,

a stopper will go down

and hold all the water, vacuum seal that sucker off.

-Wow, you're really talking about this right now.

-Yeah, we talk about everything in "The Last Drive-In."

We are a font of information

that people use all over the world.

-A font? -A font of information.

So there's only one problem with those remote control,

plunger stopping things they put on the sinks.

They have never worked,

ever in the history of the world at any time!

So how is it possible for a bathroom fixture

to be broken 100% of the time and nobody ever notices?

I mean, it's never broken in the same way twice,

but it's always broken.

Sometimes the metal rod just comes off in your hand,

sometimes the metal rod pulls down the stopper,

but it doesn't pull it down far enough so water seeps out.

Sometimes the metal rod pulls down the stopper so airtight

that it won't come back up,

so there's no way to empty the sink.

It's different every time,

but one thing that's always the same, it's always busted.

So after 50 years of using these things,

wouldn't somebody notice that?

Wouldn't some guy who went to hotel, motel executive

training school say we are annoying the guest

with these nonfunctional sink stoppers?

Wouldn't a maid somewhere notice that long metal rods

are lying around on bathroom counters

in motel rooms all across America?

Wouldn't somebody at least notice

that people have stuffed washrags into the drain

so they can try to make the sink fill up with water?

-Wow. Are you done?

-No, because I've done research on this.

And after extensive testing and consumer surveys

and engineering analysis, I can tell you what does work.

Rubber stopper on a chain! -My goodness.

-Whatever happened to rubber stoppers on chains?

Did we run out of rubber? Did we run out of chains?

I'm just guessing here, but I would imagine

that a rubber stopper on a chain

is even cheaper than a fancy gold-plated

remote control plunger stopper thingy.

But even if it's not, the rubber stopper on a chain,

even if the chain breaks off,

holds the water in the sink. You cannot improve on that.

The rubber stopper will always hold the water in the sink.

You can pick up the rubber stopper,

throw it against a brick wall, stomp on it,

it will still hold the water in the sink.

-My goodness. Are you done now?

-Yes. -Oh, thank you.

[Laughter] Wow.

-I'm speaking to the hotel executives of America

when I say the stopper rules.

-Alright. I think you've made your point.

But does this have anything to do with vampire strippers?

-Yes.

-Does it? -Grace Jones...

[Laughter]

...had her own special dressing room on the set of "Vamp."

-Uh-huh. -It's the same dressing room

they used in the movie for her character of Katrina.

And that dressing room was decorated by Andy Warhol.

-Ooh. -And in her sink...

-She had a stopper?

-I don't know that, but I'm assuming that she did.

-Okay, "Drive-In" Totals, please.

-Sure, okay, here we go.

What we have here is the sensitive story

of college fraternity pledges AJ and Keith,

who promised to procure a stripper

for the Dipsa Phi party, then talk rich, lonely nerd

Duncan into helping them drive to the city

where they tangle with a street gang

led by an albino named Snow

and end up in a strip club filled with vampires.

Sure, we've seen it before, but have we seen it

with Grace Jones as the vampire queen doing body paint

performance art with hubcaps on her private parts?

-[Laughs] -I think not.

So let's take a look at those "Drive-In" Totals

and get started.

We have 14 dead bodies, five breasts.

Pathetic. [Laughter]

Is this a movie about strippers or not?

Five breasts?

One motor vehicle chase with head-on collision,

one road trip with off-key a cappella rendition

of "Bad Case of Loving You."

Suggestive red-licorice sucking with novelty

teeth reveal, testicle squeezing,

chest licking, Renfield-homage cockroach snacking,

rat munching, multiple neck biting

with vampiric transformations,

heart ripping, face melting, decaying vampires,

body disposal, one aggressive elevator door

with attempted beheading,

one feral street urchin, sewer tunnel traversing,

dumpster diving with dead body reveal,

wrist slicing with blood drinking,

deliberate brandy-spilling, one flaming arm,

vampire flambé, face melting, skull rolls,

Gratuitous switchblade flicking, gratuitous foot chase,

stripper shoe fu, broken chair fu,

Molotov cocktail fu, bow and arrow fu,

lead pipe fu, and of course,

sunlight fu.

"Drive-In" Academy Award nominations

for Robert Rusler as AJ,

who schemes to find a stripper

but ends up as a snack for Grace Jones

for saying "I love you, Keith,

but all I can see right now is food and I'm starving."

Chris Makepeace as Keith,

the other wannabe frat boy who's handy with a bow and arrow

for saying, "This has been one wacky night."

Gedde Watanabe as Duncan,

the rich nerd who just wants some friends for -- for singing

"I'm in the mood for love simply because they're naked."

Dedee Pfeiffer as Allison,

the waitress stripper who just wants

Keith to remember her from grade school for rocking

that '80s hair and that wardrobe

and for saying, "Did you actually think

I could be one of those?

Sandy Baron as Vic, the strip club emcee

who longs to move to Vegas and says, "Nobody tells anybody

when they come to a joint like this."

And of course, for the legendary Grace Jones

as Katrina, the vampire dancing queen.

Two and a half stars. -Ooh.

Joe Bob says, check it out.

-But you didn't talk about any new fetishes.

-Well, we've got at least, you know, four more fetishes.

-Only four.

-Well, the list started with 50,

but, you know, half of them had to be eliminated

just because of Shudder taste standards.

-I know, and those are the best ones.

-Well, they're the most mind expanding ones.

You know, anytime you go wow, I didn't even know

two people could do that, that's a good fetish.

-I feel like next time

you've got to consult me more on this research.

-Well, Darcy, you are free to change the Kink-A-Rama chart.

You know, alter this Kink-A-Rama chart to your personal choices.

-I am. -We have some breaks.

We can do your -- your kinks.

-Alright, I think I might just do that.

Ha-ha-ha.

-And why does that idea terrify me?

-It should.

[Laughter]

♪

[Static]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Dramatic choral singing]

[Bell tolling]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Welcome to your Worst nightmare.

[Laughs]

We're about to make the ultimate sacrifice.

The supreme test of immortality.

The rope...

[Voice warping on tape]

[Voice stops]

[Distorted] Now!

[Distorted voices on tape]

-Uh-oh.

-Uh, the supreme sacrifice... -Cut.

-...will take place... -Stop.

-Time out. I'd rather hang than listen to this again.

I'd rather hang than listen to this again, you know.

I mean, this isn't a frat house,

it's a halfway house for morons.

The spooky costumes and the phony hangings,

guys, give me a break. -Silence, pledge.

The Emma Dipsa Phi initiation has just begun.

-Oh, I get it. You're trying to bore us to death.

They're trying to bore us to death.

-Oh, yeah! -It's working.

-I asked you guys to be careful with my clothes.

Now, who wrinkled my shirt?

[All muttering]

-It wasn't me.

-We've misjudged you two.

You're obviously not Dipsa Phi material.

-No, you know, I think it's Keith and I

who seem to be mistaken here.

Am I right? -Oh, yeah. Fooled completely.

-You see, we were under the impression that this

was "the" house on campus.

But if you're the kind of organization

that'll take in any dickhead

who will jump off a stool with a noose around his neck,

guys, obviously, you don't see

the advantages of your position.

-What advantages?

-You have something we want.

Plush accommodations. -Accommodations.

-Cable television. -Cable.

-Continental cuisine. -Food.

-Now, instead of making us go through

all these stupid, immature...

What's the word I'm looking for? -Asinine.

-Asinine tests which, by the way,

we find incredibly boring... -[Yawns]

...wouldn't it be much more to your advantage

to take this situation and get something for yourselves?

[Chuckling] yes!

You gonna have a big party tonight, right?

And for this party, you're definitely

gonna need party... -Stuff.

-Stuff. What, you're gonna need booze.

-Booze. -You're gonna need tunes.

-Tunes. -You're gonna need

entertainment. -Booze is easy.

-We provide it.

Anything at all, anything you need, and we're in.

-Anything?

-Excuse us. One second, huh? Come here.

Listen, AJ, I'm really excited about the way this is going.

I'm a little concerned with this "anything" part.

Couldn't you have said "a thing" or "something?"

-Keith, Keith, Keith. Relax, will you?

These guys are operating on empty.

I'll take care of this. Trust me.

-A stripper, and by tonight.

This is great.

I can't wait to see you get us out of this one.

-After all these years, you don't trust me?

-The truth? -No, lie to me.

-Yeah, I trust you.

-Yeah, yeah, just one number.

That's it.

I know you're a dancer, professionally trained and all,

but I was just thinking, how interesting would it be

to do it with your clothes off?

[Hangs up]

-You're doing well, you know that.

-Bear with me here.

Hey, Sandy. How you doing?

Yeah, this is AJ.

Oh, so you heard?

It'll only take five minutes!

Come on, I'd do it for you!

[Hangs up]

Field trip!

We'll hire ourselves a pro!

-Great! Call me when you get back.

-How much money have you got?

-AJ, they're not worth it.

-They? I could care less about those wimps.

It's their frat house, what a place to operate from!

-Come on, you're giving me a headache.

Look, we're 200 miles from civilization,

we got no money and no way to get there.

Tell me the Dipsa Phi house is worth

this kind of aggravation.

[Chaotic buzzing]

I got 82 bucks. -Right, together we total $168.

That, and a little charm, should get us a stripper

and one deadly number.

Now all we need are some wheels.

-Duncan. -Duncan.

-Duncan Spriggs unleashes a monstrous drive,

right down the center of the fairway.

It's a beauty.

Once again an amazing performance by...

-Hi, there!

You have a car, right?

-Uh, I -- uh, listen, I'll pay for the damages,

I shouldn't have parked there anyway, I know that.

What car was it anyway?

-No, no, you see, we need a car!

-Yeah, we're taking a trip and we'd like to work out

a deal for some transportation.

[Buzzer]

-Hey, guys!

Guys! Hey, where are you going?

Hey, I ordered some pizza!

-I'm a vegetarian!

-I'm buying! -Your Russian Lit essay.

-Oh, great, listen, any time you want to --

any time you want to catch a movie,

you just give me a buzz, all right?

Just give me a buzz. -Buzz this, huh?

[Door slams]

-[Laughs] It'll be a pleasure helping you guys out!

Can I call you guys? Great!

Come on, sit down, relax!

Kick back, dudes!

You know, I mostly get your basic dorks

hanging around here.

They seem to gravitate towards me.

I don't know why!

Look, yeah...

I'm surprised I haven't seen you two

up here at Dunc's place before.

This place is usually swinging!

You ought to pop up sometime.

Come on, fellas! Eat! Come on.

Mangia, mangia,eat.

[Chuckles]

So, taking a trip!

Need a ride, huh?

You're in luck!

One left!

Now, normally I charge the average shmoe...

-Wait, charge? -Yeah, we were thinking

something more along the lines of a favor.

To be returned, of course.

-That's new.

I like that!

One hand washes the other, right?

Right! Yeah! If there's anything --

-If there was something that we could do for you...

-I already know! Be my friends!

Take me with you!

-Well -- -I don't think...

-All right, for a week -- take me with you

and be my friends for a week!

-But... -All right!

Take me with you and just pretend

to be my friends for a week!

♪

This is fantastic!

Hey, guys, I'm psyched!

Let's party!

Hey, where are we going?

Doesn't matter, what counts is that

you're my buddies...

For a week!

♪

[Imitating drumming and guitar]

-♪ You think I'm cute ♪

♪ A little bit shy ♪

♪ Doctor, doctor, give me the news ♪

♪ I got a bad case of lovin' you ♪

♪ No pills -- shake my fist ♪

-Tallywackers!

-♪ And knock on wood ♪

-Hey guys, Boob-a-Rama, Strip Search, Meat Rack.

Lido Lounge! -Let me have this.

This is the one right here, I can feel it.

-"The After Dark Club, hottest acts anywhere."

Guys, it sounds classy, do you think we should have

called for reservations? -I'm ready.

-We are ready!

[Laughing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-6 for $1, 12 for $1.50.

Socks, socks, 6 for $1, 12 for $1.50.

Socks!

♪

-AJ, watch it! Whoa!

[Tires squealing]

[Radio cycling through stations]

[Tires squealing]

Uh, you, uh -- you get the feeling

we're not in Kansas any more?

♪

♪

[Papers rustling]

Well, the guy says it's just down the street,

but the ad says the club won't open until after dark...

What the hell that means.

-Well, it's dark! -Yeah, but...

Is it after dark? -No, but I definitely think

it's dark. -It might have just turned dark.

-How are you supposed to know the exact moment it's dark?

I mean, if we knew that, we'd wait a few seconds

and it'd be after dark. -So when's that?

-I don't know. -But you know what I'm saying,

"after dark" could mean morning.

Am I making sense? -Nope.

-Hurry it up, it's closing time!

-Yo, Dunc! -Hey, let's go!

-I'm going as fast as I can!

-I just closed.

-You just opened, again.

♪

♪

Coffees...

six cups...

to go.

♪

♪

-Don't do that!

-Shh.

♪

-I'm not kidding!

♪

[Grunts, spits]

♪

-Snow!

♪

-AJ, help me.

-Nope!

-You see something funny?

-I think this is serious.

AJ, I live, you die.

-Think I'm going to let Maven there

cut one of your balls off.

[Door creaks]

[Zips]

-Uh, whoo-ee!

Looks like it'll be another hour or so on these toilets,

these pipes are tough!

So if you excuse me, I'll get back to work!

♪

♪

-Yeah, I definitely think it's after dark now!

Snow!

I'm AJ.

Come on, all this over three lousy teeth?

-Who spoke to you?

-Uh-oh.

-[Chuckles]

-[Screaming] No!

-[Grunts]

-[Screams]

-Drop the knife, Snowflake,

or you'll be picking these up off the floor!

-[Grunts] -♪ Volare ♪

♪ Vo ♪

-Hey, Duncan, if you've finished with those toilet seats...

-♪ Cantare ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Let's fly... ♪

-Lucky they didn't try the bathrooms.

I was ready.

What I would have done to...

[Snow screams]

-♪ ...where lovers enjoy peace of mind ♪

♪ Let us leave the confusion and all disillusion behind ♪

-Hey! Messing with my buddies, huh? Wham!

Right in the tchotchkes.

Hey, one guy takes on the three of us.

Hey! Maybe we ought to wait and see

if you want to go another round!

How about that, buddy? Huh? Let's --

-Dunc, they ordered six coffees.

-Okay, so it's not Caesar's palace.

-Let's get this over with quick.

-♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪

♪ Simply because they're naked ♪

Guys! I'm on a roll tonight, and when that happens,

I attract women like flies.

-Even.

-♪ Only because they're naked ♪

-I'll see you in a few.

-♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪

Hey, wait a minute, hey, wait a minute,

I thought that we were -- -We gotta be getting back soon,

AJ is gonna take care of everything, okay?

-Wait a minute, this isn't fair!

We come out here all the way,

and I don't even get a chance to watch?

I think I should have a say in the selection.

-You can interview her, in the car.

-Unh-uh. No way, one for all and all inside I say.

Ta-ta! -Duncan, don't do that!

-Six coffees!

♪ I'm in the mood for love [Door locked]

♪ Simply because they're naked ♪

♪

-How you doing, boys?

Can I see your ID?

♪

Good...

Good enough!

Perfect!

Go ahead!

♪

Bar or table?

-Ringside!

-Thank you...

Sir!

♪

-♪ Do you remember when you said ♪

♪ You're the only girl I need ♪

♪ And now the words they sting and the hurt they bring ♪

♪ It puts me right in jeopardy ♪

♪ It twits just like a knife right in the back ♪

-Oy, vey.

-♪ Now that you were caught in a jealous trap ♪

♪ Those words are ringin' right through the dark ♪

♪ Of your suspicious mind and jealous heart ♪

♪ Lipstick on his collar, yeah ♪

♪ Perfume in his hair ♪

-Hey, Blondie!

-♪ When he came last night ♪

♪ You're sneakin' up the stairs ♪

♪ 'Cause he's the only boy ♪

♪ Your body wants to know ♪

♪ And is it worth the pain to hide the shame ♪

♪ Or better to let it go ♪

♪ It's twistin' like a knife right in the back ♪

♪ Now that you are caught in a jealous trap ♪

-Here.

-♪ Words are ringin' right through the dark ♪

♪ Of your suspicious mind and jealous heart ♪

♪ Those words are ringin' right through the dark ♪

♪ Of your suspicious mind and jealous heart ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪

♪

-You don't remember me, do you? [Giggles]

It has been a long time, but I remember you!

♪

I'm Amaretto -- not really -- and I will be your waitress

for this evening, guys. So what can I get for you?

-I would like a slow, comfortable, screw.

A beer.

And one for my buddy.

For a week.

♪

-I know I gotta get it fixed. It drives me crazy.

♪

-It drives you crazy?

You don't remember that?

I'm going to remember that for the rest of my life.

♪

-Look good!

[Applause] -Builder of major erections,

our construction engineer,

Hard Hatted Hannah.

Come on, let's hear it!

[Applause]

-You have any friends that want to remember me?

Nah, I didn't think so!

-Gentlemen...

I give you...

Katrina!

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Indistinct lyrics]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-♪ Now I understand ♪

♪ I still remember ♪

♪ I still love ♪

♪ I still remember ♪

♪ Where I came from ♪

♪ Lover to lover ♪

-Wait till those wimps at Dipsa Phi see this!

-♪ Days in the sun ♪

♪ Moment by moment ♪

♪ Passed and done ♪

♪ I still remember ♪

♪ I still love ♪

♪ I still remember ♪

♪ Where I came from ♪

♪ Lover to lover ♪

♪ Days in the sun ♪

♪ Moment by moment ♪

♪ Passed and done ♪

♪ Seduction surrender ♪

♪ I still remember ♪

[Music fades]

[Applause]

-I love it! -Yeah!

[Whistling, cheering]

-She -- She's ju-- Uh...

-Well, Darcy, I don't think I even have to ask you this,

but what did you think of Grace Jones strip club act?

-You know, I am a fan. -I can tell.

Did you meet the ghost of Keith Haring

in the -- in the hallway when you were coming over here?

-Just our little Valentine's tribute to him.

-Well, it's amazing. Alright.

You got to love Grace Jones outfit,

the red bobbed wig and the turquoise contact lenses

and the spiked headdress and the metal breastplates.

And actually, there's three of them.

There's also a private parts plate.

Uh, and the song that they use was written by Grace Jones,

especially for the movie.

It's called "Seduction Surrender,"

and I think it's on none of her albums.

You can only hear it in this movie.

And that monochrome body paint was done by Keith Haring,

a good friend of hers. And do you know Keith Haring?

Keith Haring was, um, he was a New York City

subway graffiti artist.

He was from a little town in Pennsylvania,

but he showed up in New York in the early '80s,

and he started drawing these cartoon hieroglyphics

like you're wearing on the subways, back

when you could do that.

And he had -- he liked people having sex with dogs

and people having sex with aliens

and post-nuclear mutants of various shapes and sizes,

all in cartoon form.

And he got pretty famous doing that.

And eventually he was discovered by the New York art community.

And today, if you go to Soho or Chelsea

or any of the art gallery hubs in New York City,

you're likely to find some expensive

Keith Haring souvenirs.

Unfortunately, he died of AIDS when he was just 31 years old.

Uh, but not before he had hooked up with Robert Mapplethorpe.

And am I getting too deep into the highbrow art world, Darcy.

-Maybe a little bit. -Alright.

-But he did an amazing job on Grace Jones body makeup.

-Yes, he did, and it was not the first time that he did that.

Uh, Grace Jones used to sing at a place

in New York City called the Paradise Garage.

And Keith Haring would always do the full body paint job on her

before she went on stage there.

Also, that human chair that she rides around on, um,

that was sculpted from the body of Dolph Lundgren,

who was Grace Jones's boyfriend at the time.

So anyway, this role of the vampire queen

was originally intended for Tina Turner,

but I guess Tina turned it down.

And so they went for the '80s icon Grace Jones,

who had recently come off the James Bond movie

"A View to a Kill." And then the year before that,

"Conan the Destroyer" as the Amazon warrior.

Um, how would you describe Grace Jones,

uh, Darcy?

-Awesome. [Laughter]

-Well, yeah. But, um...

She was primarily, I guess, a singer.

Um, but she was also a model, also an actress.

She was one of those celebrities.

This -- this was very common at the time.

She was just known for being uniquely her.

-That's true. -She was a Jamaican.

Uh, she grew up in Syracuse in a strict religious family.

Her father was a fairly famous minister

who ran the Apostolic Church of Jesus Christ.

They actually have a street named after him

in, uh, southwest Syracuse, not far from the university.

So I'm not sure what type of worship that is,

since so many denominations have similar names,

but whenever you have that word apostolic,

that always means Pentecostal.

Tongue talkers, you know, faith healing signs and wonders.

-Oh, okay. -So even though it was

a strict religious upbringing,

it would have been extremely emotional services

with lots of singing, lots of music.

And later in life, when she became a regular at studio 54

and she became the queen of gay disco,

you know, I can just imagine how that tracks back

to the kind of raucous beginnings she had

at that church on Bishop Robert W. Jones Way in Syracuse.

She said she was not into horror or vampires

until she made this movie, but to get ready,

she read the Anne Rice book "Interview with the Vampire,"

and she said she was just blown away by it,

and she started working up her part for the movie.

Unfortunately, she was also one of director

Richard Wenk's biggest headaches

because she was chronically late to the set.

One day she was nine hours late to the set.

Wow. -And then when she got there,

she was upset with the crew

because she couldn't find her vibrator.

-And I love her. -Apparently it was someone --

it was someone's responsibility to make sure the vibrator

was in her trailer every day.

-Who's on that, please? Okay. Thank you.

-All right.

-Well, yeah, she -- she was Grace Jones.

She had that vibrator clause in her

contract, I'm sure. [ Laughter ]

Okay, where are we so far here?

We start out with a fake execution.

frat boy initiation at the Mudd Hall of Philosophy

on the campus of the University of Southern California.

The Mudd Hall of Philosophy being one of LA filmmaker's

favorite locations when they need a bell tower

and an impressive looking medieval building.

Our two heroes, Chris Makepeace as Keith

and Robert Rusler as AJ,

then walk out of the student union.

They ca-- cajole the nerdy Getty Watanabe as Duncan

to let them use his car,

because they're going to have to drive all the way to --

they're going to have to drive under the Harbor Freeway

and take that six minute drive to the Skid Row

district of downtown LA.

So, yes, we are on a quest.

-You are so cynical about locations.

-Yeah. Well, they shouldn't -- they shouldn't have

the two main actors walk past the big sign

that says Gwen Wilson Student Union.

Anyway, since I've turned over the Kink-A-Rama chart to you,

um, you're going to show me a fetish now.

And I want a fetish that would shock Grace Jones.

-I don't think anything's going to shock Grace Jones.

Um, the one thing I did want to talk about is --

-Gonna reveal it here. -Yes, sir.

-Here we go. What is it? -Ta-da-da.

-Go ahead. -Pie. Pie-Sexualism.

-[Laughing] Pie-Sexualism.

Pie like apple pie? -Yeah, pie sex.

-Okay. More likely like

a cream pie, you know?

-Okay. Because all I can think of

when you say that is Jason Biggs as Jim in "American Pie."

-I feel like that's kind of what popularized it.

-So, as I recall, Jim hops up

onto the kitchen counter where

his mom has left out his favorite pie to cool, and...

-Warm apple pie. -...he whips off his pants

and he starts making love to the pie.

Is that what it is?

Because then dad walks in and he says --

and Jim says, "It's not what it looks like, Dad."

-And Dad says, "Well, it looks to me like

you're fucking a pie, Jim."

Did we get that right?

-Oh, it's so classic.

Yeah, but a lot of times the pie-sexual just wants to see

someone get a pie to the face or a pie to the boobs,

and then they want the object of their affection

to, like, swish it around.

-Swish it around? Swish it? -Yeah.

You know, like, rub it so it gets all over you and like,

smush it into the cracks and stuff.

-Okay. -Enjoy it.

-So they do that while they're having sex with the pie target.

-Oh, no. Not always.

They might just be enjoying the other person getting all gooey.

You know, like the gooier it is the better.

It's called sploshing.

-And is the pie target naked while they're doing that?

-Sometimes, but sometimes not.

Pie-sexuals come in many different styles.

-And I guess flavors of pies as well.

-Yeah, they will specify the type of pie they want.

-Darcy, you are scaring me with your knowledge of this.

I take it you've sploshed?

-I may have sploshed a time or two.

-And how did that turn out?

-Top notch sploshing.

-I wouldn't expect anything less.

I guess there are two kinds of food sex.

There's food that you eat as an aphrodisiac,

and then there's food that you actually have sex with

and or is part of the sex.

And we're talking about the second kind, really.

And also they use jelly, jam, peanut butter,

whipped cream, anything.

As you say, it has to be gooey, right?

-I mean, I don't know about those other things.

I'm just mostly a pie specialist.

-Okay, and I'm certain you're a good one.

-Thank you. -So thank you for that

new item in my vocabulary.

Is it splooshing or sploshing or splashing?

-Well, you know, I'm not sure. -Okay.

-Sploshing. Alright.

-I think it's sploshing, but I feel like

we're getting mixed up with "Archer" with sploosh.

So it's kind of combining now...

-Okay. -...in the zeitgeist.

-Alright. Splooshing then or sploshing.

-Sploshing. -Alright.

-It has been decided.

-Alright. -Yeah, I'll go with sploshing.

-And speaking of sploshing, back to the movie.

-Thank you. [Laughter]

-Oh, man.

How cool was it to see an albino Billy Drago in this flick?

-Very cool.

-You know, if you go into the wrong part of downtown LA,

albino girl gangs are going to come into the diner

and order double coffee, you know?

-I mean, it's happened to me many times.

-You don't know what they'll do after

they're all caffeined up.

Actually, he didn't order double coffee.

He ordered double cups, three coffees, six cups.

What are they doing with all those cups?

I didn't understand that. Are -- Are we to assume

that an albino Billy Drago gang would be rationing the coffee?

So everybody gets a half a cup of coffee?

And for that matter, why would a Billy Drago

gang be in the movie at all?

I'm sure they're going to explain that later, right?

-No spoilers. -Alright.

What's Billy Drago's biggest movie?

-Um, I don't know, but "Charmed."

That was a big one. -"Charmed."

-I mean, more than "The Untouchables"

or "Pale Rider."

-Yeah, he was the demon of fear on "Charmed."

-Really? -Yes.

Are you a "Charmed" fan?

-I am. -Okay.

[Chuckles]

♪

[Static]

-I saw her dance once at a resort!

-A resort? -It was a different color!

♪

[Inaudible conversation]

♪

♪

-Yes! He scores!

♪

♪

♪

♪

-I love the show, girls.

It's brilliant, very tastefully done.

-Come on!

♪

[Indistinct shouts and cheers]

-All right, gentlemen,

you're in for a treat!

She melts in your mouth, she melts in your hands.

Sweet, sweet, Candi!

♪

-Take the wrapper off, baby!

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Shake it, Candi! Yeah!

♪

-Hello?

♪

Hello?

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Katrina!

You scared me.

Nice hair!

Yeah...

I, uh, I caught your act out there --

ooh, some show!

Very... new!

Very... now.

[Fan rustles]

♪

Anyway, I was wondering, maybe later tonight,

if you're interested in doing a little encore performance,

for a much more appreciative audience,

I could definitely make it worth your while.

Yes, I could.

♪

♪

And I'd be willing to pay top dollar.

'Cause I can see that you're a professional.

And I like working with professionals.

♪

And I like you.

♪

I can see you like me, too.

Whoa...

♪

Wow.

♪

♪

♪

Ooh!

♪

Allow me.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Moaning]

♪

♪

Like to play rough?

♪

♪

[Grunts]

♪

♪

♪

-[Katrina roars, AJ screams]

♪

-[Snarling, grunting]

-[Screaming]

♪

-[Choking]

♪

[Slurping]

♪

♪

[Throaty maniacal laughter]

♪

[Cheering and applause]

♪

-I'll be back.

-Another round? -Yeah, another round?

[Faucet creaks, water running]

[Flushes]

[Indistinct low chatter]

-Anybody want to claim this lush?

I'm trying to run a respectable joint here, gentlemen.

Going once, twice...

He's alone, clean this mess up!

♪

-Hey, it's show time, what's happenin' here?!

I wanna see a girl up there!

-And now, she's not much upstairs,

but what a staircase!

Gentlemen, the fabulous...

Dominique!

Come here.

♪

Class!

♪

♪

♪

-Shit!

[Panting]

♪

That's it, we're out of here.

♪

Excuse me, could you go backstage

and tell my friend that his buddy is waiting?

It's time to go now. -Friend?

I see no friends.

-Uh, yeah, yeah, you took him backstage.

He's tall, dark hair, gray jacket on.

-I take no one back.

-Excuse me. Aren't we in a pickle.

-You ever have one of those nights?

♪

-There's a problem, he was not alone.

He has a friend, he's downstairs talking with the new girl.

I think there's another one of them.

-That's it, one number to get into a frat,

except now I don't care.

All I want to do is find AJ and get back to school --

-AJ?! Not Mr. Dynamite? You guys still hanging out?!

I knew it! Yep, come on, I bet you he'll remember me.

Hey, you see a guy come back here?

Welcome to Bow Wow City.

Hey, you guys see a guy come back here, tall, good looking?

You see a guy come back here? No guy came back here?

No guy came back here? -No, he came back.

One of the girls brought him --

her! -You!

I remember now, so sorry.

Your friend wanted to see Katrina,

I tell him no one sees Katrina.

-He didn't have much of a chance with her,

Katrina owns this dive, sweetheart.

-After that...

-Are you saying that you didn't see what happened?

-Wait!

Where's Candi?

-She's half shift tonight!

-I'm afraid AJ's decided to hold auditions.

-No, he wouldn't just leave. -Oh, really?

Not even with a girl that would melt in your mouth,

and in your hands?

-Yeah, he'd leave. I'm going to kick his...

-But wait! What a coincidence, it's time for my break.

And I have to go over by the hotel

and pick up a change of tops.

Some of the girls stay there.

I bet if we hurry, we could catch AJ.

Meet you at the side entrance in two minutes, okay?

Excuse you!

You want to find AJ, right? -Uh, right.

-Well, then go!

-Yeah, I like that!

-I've been a bad boy!

Whip me!

-She'll abuse you, she'll amuse you.

She'll whip you guys into shape.

Cimmarron!

♪

-♪ And the meaning of love, and the meaning of love ♪

♪

♪ And the meaning of love, and the meaning of love ♪

♪

[Music continues within]

♪

♪

[Indistinct mumbling]

♪

♪

-Oh! -Aren't we jumpy tonight!

This is really weird.

It's like a reunion or something.

-Yeah, I wish I knew with who.

-When the time is right I promise I'll tell you.

-He's on his way, don't screw up!

You got it?

All right.

-Okay, you're dying to ask me.

-What? -Why I strip.

-No I wasn't -- -Yes, you are!

-But I wasn't gonna ask you. -Why not?

-It's none of my business. -It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Really. It's just a natural curiosity.

I mean, the club's not a permanent stop or anything

if that's what you think, I mean,

it's easy to get, it's loose, I can express myself.

And that is really important because I'm still trying

to find my purpose in life, you know what I mean?

God knows I've looked.

Tried the acting for a while,

but what a joke that was.

I was on "Love Connection" -- I got picked, too!

Oh, God, that's so sad!

Little girl, where's your mommy?

♪

Parents like that should be shot!

♪

-You screwed up!

You're sushi, baby!

-He was so beautiful,

I was sure you would like him.

-You know the rules! She knows the rules!

Only the transients, the loonies, the strays,

the ones that can't be traced.

-He said he was alone!

That he was just passing through!

He fit the profile. -Ha!

-He was a gift. -Nice gift!

Look, I'm going to have to kill them both.

Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

You're not going to punish her?

If it were me...

Look, if I had some power...

-[Hisses] -All right! All right!

If we had just moved the whole operation to Vegas

like I suggested...

-Thank you.

I'm not here forever.

I will be more careful --

[Grunts, squelching]

♪

♪

-Well, I guess Vegas is out.

♪

[Katrina laughing]

-Okay, things are picking up.

-Yeah. -Now we got some heart ripping,

some blood sucking.

We got a dancer named Cimmarron who works with a bull whip.

-Yeah, we do.

-That actress, by the way, is Lisa Lyon,

the very first world women's bodybuilding champion in 1979.

Playboy centerfold in, uh, October 1980.

She's the model for the Marvel Comics character Elektra.

-Oh, no way.

-Yeah, and I wanted to mention her

because she just passed away this past September.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-Yeah, but if you want to check her out in her prime,

the aforementioned Robert Mapplethorpe

did a whole book based on her.

It's called "Lady, Lisa Lyon,"

uh, and it's 150 photos of her in classic Mapplethorpe style.

It's really odd that this movie is so closely tied

to the New York Downtown pop art community.

Uh, Grace Jones and Keith Haring and Andy Warhol all met in 1984

at Robert Mapplethorpe's New York studio.

And the way the whole body paint thing happened

is Grace Jones had an album called "Slave to the Rhythm."

Uh, it was climbing the charts and Andy Warhol

went to -- wanted to feature her in "Interview" magazine.

Uh, so he came up with the idea that Keith Haring

would do an 18-hour body-paint job on Grace,

and then Mapplethorpe would do photos for the magazine.

And then Haring painted her again in 1986 for her video,

"I'm Not Perfect," and, um I mentioned before

he painted her every time she appeared at Paradise Garage.

But all these boldface names

kept showing up on the set of "Vamp."

Timothy Leary was there. Robert De Niro, Mick Jagger.

What the hell is Mick Jagger doing at the "Vamp" set?

-Oh, my God. That's amazing.

I think they're just all enjoying the vampire strippers.

-I guess so.

Anyway, Darcy, I know I told you

that you could do all the fetishes for

this movie, but I think there's

one of them that we've got to do.

Uh...

-Oh, yeah. Definitely. Agreed.

-Okay, so I'm going to reveal that one now.

Um, hematolagnia, drinking blood during sex.

-Exactly.

-Okay, so if you're doing that,

are you drinking the blood of the person

you're having sex with? Is that the idea?

-You could be drinking each other's blood,

or you could be drinking the blood of someone else.

It depends what you're going for.

-And where do you get the blood?

How do you get the blood? -Well, you can --

-That's got to be part of the sex, right?

-I mean, yeah, you can use knives

to bring the blood to the surface of the skin,

and then you can lick it and suck it out.

But some people don't like cutting, so they use...

other blood.

-Other blood? Where do they get other blood?

-Menstrual blood. Is that okay?

-Okay, I guess.

-Yeah. And then the opposite of that

is people that are so into the cutting part

that they use surgical instruments

so they can make the blood come out at a certain place

on their body,

you know, like, really, like the boobs or the genitals.

-So I have two questions.

Is the turn on that the other person

is allowing you to cut them?

-I mean, yeah, sometimes.

I mean, that could be an expression of love

that you're letting the other person doing

that and you trust them so much.

And some people are just into the pain.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

-And then my other question is,

is it safe to drink human blood?

Because yeah, I know we eat rare steaks, you know,

which is cow blood

and blood pudding in Scotland.

Is that pig blood? I think that's pig blood.

-That's gross, man.

-And did the French have that blood sausage stuff, you know,

that's -- that's the lungs and the head of the pig.

And who knows what else is in that? It's French.

-So who knows what's in.

So my question is, does that make you sick?

-Well, doctors say don't do it. [Laughter]

-And why do they --

-Okay. -Why do they say that?

-Well, viruses, infections.

-But you can get viruses and infections from regular sex.

-I don't know, man.

That's what they want me to say.

-Okay. -Some states it should be noted

made it -- made it illegal.

In Louisiana, you can go to jail for five years

or get fined $5,000.

-Really, for drinking blood? For drinking human blood?

That's the voodoo state.

That's -- that's all those Haitians in New Orleans.

I got to assume. Well, maybe that's why --

-Exactly. I think they had a reason for doing that.

-Okay. In BDSM circles,

they call it blood play.

But if real blood makes you sick,

then you can get almost the same kind of thrill with fake blood.

A lot of people say they get aroused

when they see their partner completely covered in blood.

-Really? -Yeah.

-Do they do that at the Vampire Ball?

I know you go to the Vampire Ball.

-Oh, yeah. They do it like head to toe squishing around.

But I cannot divulge whether it's real or not.

-Really? -Yeah.

Very educational, Darcy. Thank you.

And now that Grace Jones has feasted on the blood of AJ,

it's time to get back to the flicks.

So, roll it.

That original shoot

was for Andy Warhol's "Interview" magazine.

He had this magazine called "Interview."

I think it still exists, and I used to write for them

because they would just call up and say, "I need an article,

any article, just write an article, any article."

That was their way of assigning articles.

And Lisa -- what was her name?

Uh, Lisa Love, I think her name was Lisa Love.

It was editor of "Interview" Magazine.

And you never knew what was the real name

because it was in this Andy Warhol art world.

But anyway, my fellow freelancer at interview in those days

was Bill Moseley before he got famous as

Chop-Top in "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2."

And Bill and I have traded many a story

about the weird world of Lisa Love

and Andy Warhol's "Interview" magazine,

which once featured a Grace Jones photo

spread by Robert Mapplethorpe

after an 18-hour body-paint job by Keith Haring.

You just do not have that kind of dedication

to journalism today, do you, Darcy?

-They do not. [Laughter]

-What's the longest you've ever been

in a body paint makeup chair?

-Well, like 13 hours.

-13 hours?

-Yeah. -What was that for?

-Um, it was some miniseries or something

where I was supposed to be a demon,

and they did this really intricate body makeup

and then prosthetics and stuff, too,

and then coated me in K-Y Jelly

so that, like, I looked all goopy and gross

via porn. -Porn.

-You have pictures of that? -I do.

-Okay. And was that worth it?

-Oh heck yeah. -Alright.

And do you do that kind of body paint makeup where you're naked

but you can't tell your naked until you get up real close?

-I have definitely done that a few times.

-And how did that make you feel?

-Naked. [Laughter]

-Awesome. -It was.

♪

[Static]

-[Clears throat]

Excuse me?

-$20 a half hour.

-I'm from the club, remember?

I checked in this afternoon.

I'd like the key to 1311 please.

See?

Thank you.

Oh, can you please ring Candi, you know, the redhead.

[Dialing]

-It's busy.

But you can go up if you like, room 1309.

[Gasps]

♪

13 please?

-[Humming]

♪

-[Snickering]

♪

[Humming continues]

[Elevator dings]

♪

Wait!

-You're not the same woman! You're sleepin' all day!

You're up all night! -I can do what I want!

[Voices fade]

[Rumbling]

♪

♪

♪

-[Grunting]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Machinery groaning]

♪

[Clanging]

[Panting]

-We should have heard something by now.

I don't like it.

If something goes wrong, that queen bitch

is going to chew my ass out.

♪

Vlad, give it up,

there's nothing going on between you and her any more.

All you are to her is a quick fix.

-[Snarls] -Hey, but what do I know?

-Hey! -There you are! What happened?

They told me you left! -AJ, did you find him?

-No. God, you look awful, what happened to you?

-The girl, what did she say? -Well, it's weird,

I went to her apartment, it was like no one lived there,

empty, just some garbage bags. What are you so testy about?

-Testy?! You want to know why I'm testy?!

I'll tell you why I'm testy!

Today I was nearly hung,

I got into a fight with a psychotic albino,

I met a human pin cushion in the bathroom,

I ate a cockroach, my best friend disappears,

and then I'm nearly assassinated by a runaway elevator.

I've had a bad day.

All I want is to find AJ and get back to school.

Is that too much to ask for?

-Well, no, but I don't see what the big hurry is.

He'll probably show up. -Listen, where else would

a girl like Candi take AJ?

-Uh-uh -- you mean a girl like me, don't you?!

Just -- look, just go 'head and say it! I --

I was only trying to be helpful! I thought it'd be kinda nice

if maybe you and me maybe spent some time --

Oh, just screw it!

You know, if you knew me a little better!

-I don't know you at all! -And that's another thing!

How come I remember you so well and you...

Well, obviously, our moment together wasn't as important

to you as it was to me.

-What moment?

Look...

-Oh, look yourself!

-Hey! Hey!

-I love you.

[People chattering]

No, I love you.

[Indistinct shouts]

-Say, babe, what time do you get off?

-2:30.

-Can I watch? [Guffaws]

♪

-All right! Anybody want to claim this lush?

Going once, going twice...

♪

-We be looking for you!

-Heya, Snowball, how they hanging?

♪

Shit.

-Come on!

♪

♪

♪

-Hey, what's that?! -Nothing!

-Where'd he go over there?!

♪

♪

-He's got to be around here.

♪

[Voices fade]

-Hello, baby!

Got you now!

[Manhole cover clattering]

[Chuckles menacingly]

-Come on, boy! Don't you want to join the party?!

[Air whooshing softly, water dripping]

[Menacing laughter] -Come on, boy! Come on!

You better get used to it, scumbag!

-All this for a fucking fraternity.

[Group taunting]

♪

♪

Psst! Psst! Psst!

Psst!

♪

[Man chuckling ominously]

♪

-Well, now, where's your mamma, little girl?

[Crunching, screaming]

♪

[Snarling, screaming]

♪

God!

-Geez!

[Ominous chord strikes]

[Rat squeaks]

-Hey, I found my friend!

[Laughs, rat squeaks]

[Laughs, crunching, squeaking]

♪

-Snow! There he is! -Shit!

♪

♪

♪

♪

Hey!

Are you still here?

♪

♪

♪

-AJ!

Jesus! Hey!

♪

Hey! Stop! Help!

Wait!

Stop!

Wait a minute!

♪

♪

[Electricity buzzing]

-Emergency operator, may I help you?

-I' II take care of the cops.

I'll tell them a story like I always do.

They won't follow up.

They don't care what happens down here!

Have you given any more thought to my idea?

A club.

In Vegas.

New blood!

New blood.

See, they're all tourists.

I-I hear that clubs are very hot

right now in Vegas.

We'd do very nicely!

All right. All right.

I'll do something. I'll do something.

Vlad, bring the trash back in here!

This is...

a nasty habit.

Nasty.

♪

-This is the part of the movie

where it gets all discombobulated.

First of all, why does Amaretto --

real name Allison -- take Keith

to that vampire hotel to begin with?

And by the way, the vampire hotel clerk --

that's played by the great Hy Pyke.

I talked about him when we showed "Hack-O-Lantern."

He was Grandpa in "Hack-O-Lantern"...

-Oh, yeah. -...which was two years

after this, and that was his retirement movie.

So this is at the very end of his career as a character actor,

but he was also a nightclub comedian,

and that's probably what brought him to this movie,

because of his friendship with Sandy Baron, who plays Vic,

the strip club manager who we just saw

sucking the blood out of Grace Jones' wrist

and talking about what a nasty habit it is.

Sandy Baron was a legendary Catskills comedian.

He was always appearing on talk shows like --

nobody's gonna remember these goofy daytime

showbiz talk shows that they had at the time

like Mike Douglas and Merv Griffin.

Anyway, he was always on those shows,

and he was Grandpa Munster in the "Munster" specials

after Al Lewis died, and he was Jack Klompus on "Seinfeld,"

the cranky retiree who gives Jerry the astronaut pin.

-Oh, yeah. -And he appeared as himself

in Woody Allen's "Broadway Danny Rose."

But Sandy Baron is about as old-school as you can get.

He was performing in the Catskills places

like Grossinger's and Kutsher's and the Concorde.

He was one of those guys who made jokes

about the schnitzel and the sauerkraut and...

All right, so my point was, why do they go to that hotel?

'Cause I -- I went way off track here, didn't I?

-Oh, no, you would never do that.

-Well, I always know where the original track is.

I always come back to the original track.

-That is debatable, but go ahead.

-All right. It's true. -[Laughs]

You were just talking about talk shows from 50 years ago.

-Yeah, well, okay, I get your point.

So my original point is, once they leave the strip club,

which we're just starting to enjoy,

in order to go find Candi at the vampire hotel,

because Allison -- stage name Amaretto -- believes that

AJ may have run off with Candi to rent a room for a half hour,

if you know what I mean -- and I think you do --

once they do that, the movie is just a mess.

There's the whole scene with the spooky elevator

trying to kill Keith,

uh, the disappearance of Allison for no reason,

the return of Billy Drago

driving a hearse and bent on revenge,

uh, Keith's escaped through a convenient manhole.

That's an old silent-film trope.

That's how Harold Lloyd always escaped, you know?

Um, the underground sewer tunnel,

which is lit in neon green and magenta and mauve,

and the lighting in the sewer is like the entrance

to a cotton-candy store owned by Barbie, you know?

And then that little girl with the teeth

who apparently eats a gangster,

and the maniac weirdo eating a live rat,

and random arms coming out of nowhere to try to grab Keith,

and then hiding in the Dumpster,

that happens to be the same Dumpster

where they dumped AJ and Allison,

appearing and disappearing for no reason.

I mean, the movie should be gathering steam

in the strip club.

That's where all the action is.

But instead, we're wandering around

the scummy part of downtown L.A.

like we're in a crackhead hallucination museum.

I mean, the only reason for these scenes is atmosphere,

and I happen to know from interviews

that 29-year-old director Richard Wenk

and his cinematographer, Elliot Davis,

they had both been studying Martin Scorsese's "After Hours,"

which just came out the year before,

and they were going for that same feeling of,

if you go into the wrong part of town,

then everything becomes disorienting

and the atmosphere seems alien.

And so that accounts for the neon pink

and the mauve and the whatever.

So anyhow, Darcy, just give us a kink.

-[Laughs] Okay. -What's next?

What's next on the Kink-A-Rama chart?

-Okay, ready? -Here we go. What is it?

-Findom. -Findom!

Oh, yeah. -Yeah.

-And we got the letter. Mistress Harley,

-Inspired by Mistress Harley, one of my --

the co-hosts on my wrestling podcast.

-Really? All right. -Yeah.

She introduced me to this.

Men fall in love with her and give her --

give her all their money.

Yeah. That's it.

-And?

-That's it.

It's literally just financial domination.

-But what does she do? She gets naked online

and they're paying to see her? -Nope.

She never takes her clothes off.

-But they meet for some kind of a BDSM session?

-Nope. They never meet. It's all online.

-They think they're gonna receive something from her

in return. -No.

She just humiliates them and tells them to worship her

by giving them all their money.

-Damn. -I know!

-So what's the common denominator with all these guys?

-I assume that they need to be told what to do.

-And I guess they have guilt over having money, or...?

-I would assume so, yeah.

-And probably a need to be told what to do specifically

by a strong female?

-Oh, yeah. She's a strong female.

-So why doesn't every internet sex worker do findom? Because --

-I don't know. I think that you really

have to know the psychology of it.

And if you don't get it just right,

then the potential clients are gonna consider you fake.

-And what is the psychology of it?

-Knowing what they're afraid of and what they need to do

to make themselves feel better.

I mean, you have to kind of know the person.

-Damn. Okay.

I guess the internet made that possible, right?

That couldn't exist before the internet.

-Actually, it's existed forever,

but the internet's made it way easier to do.

The psychological name for it is distance domination.

So they don't want to actually meet the mistress.

They want to just go in search of these women.

-Really? -Yeah.

-So they want -- they actually look for somebody

that can financially dominate them.

-Yeah. -Is it always women?

-It's usually women dominating men.

The men are called cash piggies.

-Cash piggies? -Cash piggies or human ATMs,

money slaves, pay pigs. -Pay pigs?

-And they call themselves that.

They actually join websites to self-identify as pay pigs.

-Wow. Okay. -I know.

-Entirely new one for me.

Um, I got to think a lot of online women

are trying to get into this -- this area.

-I mean, a lot of women do,

but I feel like not a lot of women know how to do it right.

-All right. Well, a woman who definitely knew what men wanted

and how to pretend to give it to them --

Grace Jones as Katrina...

Phew! [Chuckles] -I know. Good job.

-...is rolling along as we continue with "Vamp."

So roll it.

You know, I sometimes talk about things

that I don't fully understand.

-What?! -Like --

[Laughter]

I keep saying the color "moh-ve" [mauve],

and I don't know what color that is.

What is mauve, anyway? -Hey, wait a minute.

It's "maw-ve."

-It's "maw-ve"? -Yeah.

-I thought it was "moh-ve." [Laughter]

-You know, that explains a lot. -Either way --

-I didn't know what you were talking about.

I'm like, "Okay, 'moh-ve.'" -Okay.

Either way, I don't even know what it is. Is it pink?

-No, it's kind of purple-y.

-Well, if it's purple, why don't you just say purple

instead of "maw-ve" or "moh-ve"?

-Because it's a little bit lighter than, like,

a normal purple.

-But it's a soft color, right?

It's something you put on Kleenex boxes

and bridesmaid dresses and stuff like that?

-Maybe. -It's not a sewer color.

-Not traditionally.

-I mean, you put mauve in a sewer,

it gets overwhelmed by stink.

-It's just a color.

-Well, it's a color that smells good.

You can't put "maw-ve" in a sewer,

or "moh-ve" in a sewer.

-Neither one. -[Laughs] Okay.

Cinematography 101, Darcy -- no mauve in waste facilities.

-Noted.

-"Maw-ve." [Laughter]

♪

-Hey, bud, where have you been? I've been making some progress.

-The police! Did they get here yet?

Jesus Christ -- AJ's dead.

Stay here.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Door opens]

♪

♪

[Rattling]

It's occupied.

[Rattling]

There's somebody in --

Wh-Wh...

-Relax, will you? It was just a joke!

-I thought you...

♪

You asshole!

You scared the shit out of me, you know that?! Huh?!

-Relax, will you? -Relax?!

You were dead.

You were in a Dumpster!

I thought that Snowflake had killed you!

-Hey, I was rolled!

Anyone can have an off night!

-Off night?

We're out of here. -You!

There's some uniformed gentlemen in the back to see you.

-Look, I found my friend, okay.

-Yeah?

-But he -- [Sighs]

Well, he looked dead, anyway!

-He looks real dead to me.

-It was in the garbage that -- -Your friend here apparently

likes to flash his money around.

In this neighborhood, that makes him a meal ticket.

-Hey, tell me about it -- I am a meal ticket.

I should know. -Look, I just think --

-No, you look. Now my stomach's all upset,

thanks to you and your dead friend here.

This is not a nice area, and I don't like coming to it.

So before I lock you up, I want all three of you

out of here, go home!

-I've been trying to do that for the past --

-Now!

-Officer, why don't I escort you out personally?

I know you like to catch the last act, am I right?

-Hey, guys, if you don't mind, I'm going to catch the last act.

-Okay, we'll see you out there in a few minutes, buddy.

I promise you'll never see us in this neighborhood again,

Officer.

♪

♪

♪

♪

-I'm pissed at you. -Mmm.

They treat you real good here.

-Looks like we can forget about the fraternity.

Why don't we just go back home, okay?

-What's the rush?

-AJ, give me a break, will you?

-Would you calm my friend down here, please?

I've been telling him for years to relax.

-I'm fine, I'm fine. Let's just get out of here.

Please!

-That's not fair.

-Come on.

-[Snarls]

[Gasping, grunting]

♪

-Wait! -[Grunts]

♪

♪

[Grunting, screaming]

♪

-I didn't think you had it in you.

Yeah, looks like you discovered the only way out of here, pal.

-What the hell are you talking about?

-The club -- everyone here, man, they're vampires.

Can't let you leave.

-[Gasping]

-We got a problem here.

-Yeah? Why don't we go home?

We'll call a doctor or something.

-[Chuckles]

You don't get it, do you?

Home is a million miles away from me now.

Home's another planet!

[Winces]

I'm a fucking zombie now!

I mean, look at me!

Watch out, man!

You want to know how bad things are?

I love you, Keith...

but all I can see right now is food.

And I'm starving.

You're carrying my next meal around with you in your veins!

They got me, they got me real good.

-Okay, well, why don't you take what you need for now?

You know, to get you through?

-[Chuckles] That's too much. You're so nice!

Do I look like a mosquito? No.

I can't be trusted, buddy.

Will you look at my clothes?

They're ruined!

Do I look real bad?

You know, it's just like the movies --

you can't see yourself.

There's no reflection.

It's weird.

♪ No pill's gonna cure my ill ♪

[Grunts]

♪

-Jesus, you're really gonna do it, aren't you?

You're gonna kill me.

AJ, do me a favor, huh?

-For old times' sake?

Sure, buddy. Anything.

Anything at all.

-No, not anything.

Just one thing.

Make sure I don't come back like you, okay?

-Hey, you think I like this?

Or them? They're boring creeps!

They don't call 'em walking dead for nothing!

Try talking to one of them sometime.

-I am.

♪

♪

-Come on, man,

just take me out.

Just kill me. I can't go on like this.

-AJ, I...

-Come on!

♪

-Shit.

-You can't, can you?

Even though you know it works, you can't!

It does work, you know -- the fire, the wooden stakes,

the sunlight!

I've got a list right here somewhere...

♪

You're ready to die for me, aren't you?

You would, 'cause you can't believe that I'm not me anymore.

Maybe there's something left, huh?

Jesus Christ, maybe there is.

Nah.

[Wincing]

Sorry, pal.

[Groaning]

Now get lost fast.

Go on!

And remember, you can burn them or keep them from their coffins

past sunrise.

I think you know the other one.

[Gasps]

[Groans]

-[Gasps]

-Dedee Pfeiffer -- she just pops in and out

of the movie at convenient plot moments, right?

Dedee Pfeiffer plays Allison,

and she calls this her favorite movie of her entire career.

-Shut up. That's awesome. -She was just one year

into her acting career when "Vamp" was filmed.

Her sister was already a big star.

She had starred in "Scarface" and...

But Dedee had trouble getting started in the business.

They had both grown up in Orange County,

a few miles south of Hollywood, but there's a big jump, though,

from the Disneyland suburbs to the Paramount backlot.

And actually, this movie, though,

was filmed at Ren-mar Studios.

Today it's called Red Studios.

Have you ever worked there, on Cahuenga Boulevard?

-I don't think so.

-One of one of the least famous lots in L.A.

If you're driving down Cahuenga,

you could easily mistake it for a parking garage.

So, um, Dedee starts out.

John Landis gave her a bit part as a hooker

in "Into the Night" so that she could get her SAG card.

And then she does some guesting on TV.

And then her breakout is playing Cybill Shepherd's daughter

on the series "Cybill," four seasons on CBS.

And then she did a "Playboy" spread in 2002,

and then she disappeared for a long time.

She said it was caused by some kind of addiction,

but when she came back sober in 2020,

her career revived big-time.

She became a series regular in "Big Sky" on ABC.

So that's Dedee Pfeiffer.

I haven't talked much about the main characters in the movie.

Chris Makepeace, as Keith, is a Canadian actor

best known for his roles

in "Meatballs" and "My Bodyguard."

He was also in a very good movie that nobody much talks about

called "The Falcon and the Snowman."

Um, but after 20 years in Hollywood,

he officially retired from acting,

doesn't like to do interviews,

doesn't like to reminisce about the past.

His partner in crime, the smooth-talking AJ,

is Robert Rusler,

a surfer and a martial artist turned actor

who had broken into the business big-time the year before this

with major roles in both "Weird Science" and

"A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge."

-Yeah. -He was expected to have

a star career because he is just so damn good-looking,

but -- and he has gotten good work ever since then.

Still working today.

Never had that magic breakout role.

He was a regular on "Babylon 5."

Um, the "Last Drive-in" audience would probably know him

from the Stephen King TV movie "Sometimes They Come Back.

Uh, and believe it or not,

he starred as Fuad Ramses, the maniac Egyptian caterer,

in the 2016 remake of "Blood Feast,"

the original gore film that we featured

on the first "Last Drive-in" marathon.

We showed the original Herschell Gordon Lewis classic

from 1963, which was awful,

and the remake was not much better.

Um, and, oh, yeah -- Gedde Watanabe as Duncan,

the horny nerd with the car and the credit cards.

Um, he was semi-famous at the time

as Long Duk Dong in "Sixteen Candles,"

which had come out two years earlier.

He got unfairly criticized for that.

Um, there's an NPR article out there somewhere

that calls it themost offensive Asian stereotype role

that Hollywood ever gave America.

-Aw!

-It sort of overshadowed what I thought

was a great performance by him in that movie.

Anyway, that was his breakout role.

After growing up in San Francisco's Chinatown,

he studied at the American Conservatory Theater.

He became a street singer.

He did lots of guest roles on TV.

Probably his best known movies other than "Sixteen Candles"

would be "Gung Ho" and "Gremlins 2: The New Batch."

He accepted the "Vamp" role

because it did not require him to be Asian.

They don't deal with his Asian-ness at all.

It was secondary to the character.

Unfortunately, I don't think most of the comedy material

that they wrote for him was that strong.

I mean, it's tough being the goofy sidekick

unless you're really, really, really funny.

-Aw. He was cute, though.

-All right. Darcy, um, we don't have much time

for fetishes left in "Joe Bob's Very Violent Valentine,"

so hit me with a good one.

-All righty. This one is one of my favorites.

[Drum roll plays] -All right.

-Hypnosis leading to robotics.

-That sounds complicated. -[Laughs]

You're hypnotized to believing that you're a mindless robot.

-Okay. Who's hypnotized?

-A woman is hypnotized by a man.

I mean, it probably can be the other way around,

but this is the one that I know.

-And the hypnotized woman becomes an android?

-This is more like mind control.

Once you're hypnotized, you go into a really deep sleep,

but then you have your triggers that are placed

in your subconscious that make you do sexual things.

-Okay. Very complicated. -Little complicated.

-You're a robot.

But you have these implanted urges to sexually satisfy a man.

-Absolutely. You got it.

-Is this really possible? -Yeah.

It's, like -- it's a really elaborate role play.

It's a guy who wants to believe that he can control a woman

to be his robot concubine.

-And when you say robot, does the woman move like a robot?

[Laughter]

-Yep. Just like this. Must. Have. Sex. Now.

[Laughter]

-So it's a fetish -- -Basically that.

-So it's a fetish for sci-fi fans,

like, uh, half-human, half-machine?

-Yeah, I guess so. I just know it's really popular.

-This has been a continual education in the sex habits

of the American public, so thank you, Darcy.

-You're welcome. -And now let's continue

with the sex education of Gedde Watanabe.

Roll the flick!

You know that another thing

that pisses me off about this movie --

You know that scene --

You know that death scene

where Cimmaron gets a high heel through the heart?

-Yeah. Of course. Love her.

-Uh, Lisa Lyon -- I've talked about her before.

-Yes. -So I'm thinking that

when they wrote that scene,

that had to be a spiked high heel, right?

Goes through the heart. It's a stiletto.

Why -- Why do they call it a stiletto heel?

Because the heel looks like a wicked, slender knife, right?

-Yeah. Where are you going with this?

-Well, the high heel that kills her in the movie

looks like something from the discount bin at Payless

previously worn by a junior high science teacher.

It does not look like a stiletto heel.

-I think you're right about that one.

-I mean, I think it was a two-inch heel

with scuff marks on the toe.

I mean, they're shooting in downtown L.A.

Couldn't they send somebody over --

where do strippers shop in downtown L.A.?

-Um, Cupid's Closet? Pleasure Chest?

-Okay, so how far by car would those places be

from Cahuenga Boulevard? -I don't know.

-$10 Uber ride to get a six-inch spiked high heel.

-I don't think they had Uber in 1986.

-Well, $20 cab ride in 1986 to get a spiked high heel.

Lazy filmmaking, Darcy.

Lazy vampire-stripper filmmaking.

-I see your point.

[Laughter]

♪

-Last call, gentlemen, last call.

Hope you enjoyed the show.

Don't forget our single man's special,

all you can drink for a dollar.

Come alone, you drink yourselves into another world.

[Jazzy tune playing]

-♪ I know a lot about the world outside ♪

-Hit the 8 ball, go 'head.

-Hey! -We're leaving.

-That's not fair, I only had to promise him $50!

-Now! I'll explain later.

-Guys!

-Excuse me, there seems to be a little problem with your bill!

♪

-♪ I thought of livin' and I thought of dyin' ♪

♪ I've given up until I... ♪

-When it clears out, why don't you and me

go in the back and handle it personally?

-Call the police! These people, they're all vampires!

-That doesn't make them bad people!

-Listen, AJ's dead! -Again?

-Excuse me. -Vampires?!

Vampires. [Laughing]

-You don't think you're going to get away with this, do you?

-Of course -- you know how many people disappear

off the face of the earth every year?

Not thousands -- tens of thousands.

You're a statistic, kid. -Why us?

Why did you pick on us?

-It was a mistake, okay?

It was a little error there, little communication error.

I'm sorry. -We'll be missed.

They're gonna come looking for us.

-Who will? Who'd you tell that you were coming here?

Nobody tells anybody when they come to a joint like this!

Quite a racket, huh?

You see, I run an essential service here.

Waste disposal. Oh, yeah.

Look around, look who comes here.

The sickies, the degenerates, the forlorn, the lost,

the lowlifes, the fucking dregs of humanity wind up here,

and we take care of them.

It costs you nothing.

-Yeah, just my best friend.

-Hey, nobody's perfect, okay?

I do the best I can with what I got.

Your self-pity makes me sick.

You know that?

Listen kid, I used to own this club.

You know who worked here?

Louis Prima, Buddy Greco,

Phil Harris -- class!

Wait a second, where are you going?

What are you trying to do? Get out of here?

Why?

There's more of us out there!

Oh, yeah!

So where are you going?

Here, there...

We're everywhere.

Can I ask you something?

You ever been to Vegas?

-Hey, how about you buying me and my friends a last round?

Kind of a last request.

Like they do in Vegas!

-They do that in Vegas?

Whoa, that's classy! Now, that's classy.

Sure. Excuse me!

Would you give this gentleman whatever he wants.

Give me a... brandy!

Make it three.

Make them doubles. Triples!

Hell, leave the whole bottle when you're done.

I'm not driving anywhere.

-♪ You'll find your sanity ♪

♪ Lost and found ♪

♪

Spill these all over the place!

♪

-Oops! Oh, I'm sorry, excuse me.

Have a drink.

♪

To Vegas!

Oh! -[Laughs]

♪

-[Hissing]

-Whoa!

-[Yelling]

♪

-Come on!

Trap door!

-Okay, you win, I'm gone.

[Cash register dings]

-What the hell are you doing? -The bitch owes me money!

♪

-This way.

♪

♪

♪

♪

-♪ Old black magic has me in its spell ♪

-I would have loved to have seen Vegas.

Once.

Just once.

♪

-♪ Same old tingle that I feel inside ♪

♪

-Ahh! My first drink

in 75 years.

♪

Vlad...

To the good old days!

♪

-♪ Only your kiss -♪ Put out the fire ♪

[Car door closes, engine sputtering]

♪

[Tires squeal]

♪

♪

[Tires screech]

Shit.

[Tires screeching]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Guys!

♪

♪

[Duncan groaning, gasping]

-How you doing back there, Dunc?

-I'm hungry!

-He's okay!

-No, I mean I'm starving.

-Yeah, well, we'll order some pizza

when we get back to school, if that's okay with y--

[Duncan groaning]

♪

[Chuckles]

-[Screaming]

[Tires screeching]

-[Snarling]

♪

[Tires blow]

♪

♪

Guys!

♪

Guys!

♪

-Okay, that was the first two endings of "Vamp."

[Laughter]

I think I counted one time. The movie ends five times.

Actually, we've had three endings already.

Death of AJ, burning of the strip club,

head on collision that blows up the bad guys and kills Duncan.

And we're not nearly finished.

And once again, the geography of this flick is all cattywampus.

To escape the burning strip club,

they go down into the basement

to take the freight elevator up to the street level,

and now they're going to start flitting around again

to multiple locations.

The movie was first envisioned by Donald Borchers.

Before this, Borchers had worked with Roger Corman.

He produced one of our favorites around here, "Angel."

-Yeah. -In 1983.

Plus, his main claim to fame was "Children of the Corn in 1984.

I think he's made that movie at least three times now.

Um, there was a TV movie, there was a remake of it.

-There's a lot of "Children of the Corn."

-Yeah. So anyway, Borchers created

a poster for a movie called "Vamp"

before the movie existed,

and then he set out to find somebody to make that movie.

So he happened to see Richard Wenk's short film

"Dracula Bites the Big Apple,"

and he liked it so much that he sought Wenk out,

and he showed him the poster and he said,

"Do you want to make this movie?"

And Wenk said, "Yeah. What's the story?"

And Borcher said, "Well, you need to figure that out.

All I care about is the story has to have three things

strippers, college students and vampires."

And so Wenk said, "Okay," because, you know,

it was his first chance to direct a feature,

and he wrote the script in one weekend.

And then Wenk never really came back to full time

feature directing. He did a lot of television.

Um, he actually became more famous as a writer

and a script doctor than a director.

He only directed two other movies,

"Just the Ticket" in 1998 with Andy Garcia and Andie McDowell,

love Story, major flop.

And Wish-- "Wishcraft" in 2002.

Horror flick that also flopped.

-Oh, I like that one actually. -You like that one?

-Yeah. -However,

don't feel sorry for him.

He wrote "The Equalizer" and all "The Equalizer" sequels.

He wrote "The Expendables 2," he wrote

"Jack Reacher: Never Go Back,"

so he's doing just fine in Hollywood.

-What? Okay. -Okay, Darcy,

I hope you have chosen yet one more fetish for me,

because this is probably the final kink in our kink arsenal.

Better be a good one. What you got?

-Well, I think no list of fetishes would be complete

without honoring...

the furries.

-The furries. -Yes.

-Of course.

People that dress up in bear suits to have sex.

-I mean, not just bears, all kinds of animals,

including creatures that don't really exist.

-And they are fun people.

We have quite a few furries

who come to all the shows that we do.

-Yeah, we do. -Both the conventions.

They come to the jamboree,

and they're usually not in costume, though,

because -- and the fact that they're not in costume,

does that mean that it's more of a thing

you do only in the bedroom or...?

-I think there's -- there's a bit of a stigma attached to it.

So they tend to dress up only in the company of other furries.

-And are some animals more popular than -- than others?

When they do their thing?

-They -- they really like animals that are semi-human.

So animals in the media that can walk or talk,

like science fiction creatures,

anime creatures, fantasy creatures.

Furries are the ultimate nerd group,

all about unique self-expression without judgment.

They are pretty much the kindest people in the world

because they truly believe in an all inclusive world.

Unlike people who just say they do.

-That's kind of inspiring, actually.

-I think so, too.

-So -- So what they are is performance artists

who incorporate their performance art

into their whole lifestyle.

-That is a fancy way of saying it, but yes.

-I like the terms that they use.

The fur-- fursona. -Ah, yeah.

-They develop a fursona and develop it

throughout their lives.

-True. What do you think your fursona would be?

-My fursona? -Yeah.

-I don't know.

Wolverine. [Laughter]

-No, that's -- No, that's not you.

I feel like we should invite the mutant fam

to come up with the fursona.

-Really? -Persona, however you say it,

for Joe Bob.

Yeah, dude, of course. I want to hear what they come up with.

Not wolverine. It ain't wolverine.

-It's not wolverine? -It ain't Wolverine.

-Okay, well anyway, furries --

-Send up some pics. Draw some pics.

-Send some pics? -Yeah.

-Why are you doing this, Darcy? -Because it's fun.

-Okay, it's one of the better kinks though,

because you can't just sum it up in a single activity

or a particular way of having sex.

It's a group that thinks outside the box sexually.

-Exactly.

-And Richard Wenk is a director

who thinks outside the screenplay box.

[Laughing] And so we will now see that...

-That was bad. -In the conclusion of "Vamp."

So, roll it.

You shouldn't have done that.

-Oh, I'm so happy I did that.

-You know that speech that -- that -- that Vic makes?

-Oh, yeah, I love Vic.

I'm so sad for him that he never gets to go to Vegas.

-Well, yeah, that's a -- that's a good speech.

But, you know, I'm thinking about the one

where he says this club used to be so classy.

All the big names,

and then he names three entertainers that I'm willing

to bet 99% of our audience cannot relate to.

And those were Louis Prima. You know him?

-No. -Um, New Orleans bandleader,

Vegas lounge singer, dozens of albums,

hit songs, five decades as a star.

Then he names Buddy Greco.

-No idea. [Laughter]

-Remember the Rat Pack? Uh, Vegas lounge singer.

Many hit songs, eight decade career.

Alright, how about Phil Harris?

-The bear in "The Jungle Book." Baloo, man.

And the comedy record "The Thing.

-Really? -Yeah.

-You know that guy? -I do know that guy.

-Okay, good call. Also comedian,

orchestra leader, radio star, seven decade career.

Anyway, it's true that a lot of those, um,

rundown theaters in downtown LA were at one time

the most sophisticated show places in America.

So, you've heard Phil Harris sing "The Thing?"

-Yeah, it's classic.

-You know, back when a novelty record could hit the charts.

-Yeah, like when "Monster Mash" became a hit.

-"Monster Mash."

You know, if we had that kind of music industry today,

my reinterpretation of "Zombie Jamboree"

would probably be a big hit.

-Let's not go that far.

-You didn't like my reinterpretation

of "Zombie Jamboree?"

-It was fine.

[Laughter]

I mean, I loved it. It was so good.

You should play it now.

♪ Zombie jamboree ♪

[Laughter]

Okay. [Laughs]

♪

[Static]

-Wait, wait! Wait! Wait!

Move!

-Looks like we're not the first ones to be

midnight shopping, it was already bent.

-Find some bullets.

-Will this help? -You got ammo with that?

-You mean bullets? No. Hey, where'd you get that?

-Get back! I'm good with this, believe me.

-Look, no fangs! Come on. -Who are you?

-I -- I -- I -- um...

-Your name. Tell me your real name!

-Um, I -- Uh --

This isn't exactly the time I had in mind.

I thought maybe --

[Screams, vampire gasping]

♪

♪

Did you actually think I could have been one of those?!

-I -- I --

No.

♪

This way!

♪

-Yeah, we're saved! -Thank God for mass transit.

Come on!

-Last stop! -I don't need this!

[Snarling]

♪

♪

[Engine revving]

♪

Talk about timing, come on!

♪

♪

[Vampires snarling, hissing]

-What gang is this?

-[Hissing, snarling]

-Wait!

♪

Come on, help me!

-Keith!

It's time.

-What? -My name!

I'm Allison -- Allison Hicks, remember?

Seaside Heights, summer vacation, 5th grade.

We were in Sue Leonard's basement,

we were playing spin the bottle.

And I spun, and it landed on Moose, and you kinda

pushed the bottle, and I didn't have to kiss him,

and ended up kissing you. Remember now?

-Yeah! You have incredible timing.

-Thanks!

Are you sure it's safe down here?

-Trust me, this is an abandoned system.

I've been here before.

[Footsteps] -What was that?

-Probably just a wino or something.

-In high heels?

-Come on!

♪

Here!

♪

Come on!

♪

♪

♪

-I have matches here somewhere.

-Don't! I smell something.

[Sniffs]

-[Gasps]

♪

I think we should leave.

-This was not a very good idea.

♪

[Creaking]

♪

[Footsteps]

♪

♪

-[Groaning]

♪

♪

♪

-[Screams]

♪

♪

-Allison, the matches.

-You called me Allison.

-The matches.

♪

[Vampires screaming]

♪

♪

♪

Allison!

-Keith!

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Snarls]

[Allison shuddering]

♪

-God, shoot her.

Shoot her, please.

No.

♪

♪

Keith.

♪

[Screams]

♪

♪

-[Gasps]

-[Gasping]

♪

-[Grunts]

♪

Let's go!

♪

-[Gasping]

♪

[Laughs]

-Come on! -There's something I've got

to do first.

-[Snarling]

♪

♪

[Laughs] [Pipe clanks]

♪

♪

♪

[Groaning]

♪

♪

♪

[Screaming]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Ah, you're bleeding!

-Oh, it's nothing!

[Kissing, sucking]

-This can get infected, we'll have to have this checked out.

Thanks.

-Uh, hon? Come up here a second.

I want to show you something.

-What?

God! Is that supposed to be funny?

-No, it's not.

[Screams]

♪

-You killed my Katrina! You both must die!

[Stake sticks, Vlad groaning]

-Well, don't everybody thank me all at once.

But--

-Formica. Go figure.

Hi, Allison!

R-relax! I'll take care of this somehow!

-This has been one wacky night.

-You're telling me?

I'm going to need some new clothes here.

Wait! Where are you going?

After all these years you don't trust me?

I can handle this, you know.

Look, there's always night school!

-Hi, there. -Hi!

-And jobs!

I'll take a graveyard shift!

Yeah, that's what I'll do!

Keith?! -Relax!

I'll take care of everything.

Follow us! -[Chuckles]

-I'm right below you, pal!

Hey, you guys live in a barn or what?

-♪ Volare ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh

♪ Cantare, whoah oh oh oh ♪

♪ Let's fly way up to the clouds ♪

♪ Away from the maddening crowds ♪

♪ We can sing in the glow of a star that I know of ♪

♪ Where lovers enjoy peace of mind ♪

♪ Let us leave the confusion and all disillusion behind ♪

♪ Just like birds of a feather ♪

♪ A rainbow together we'll find ♪

♪ Volare, whoa oh oh oh ♪

♪ Cantare, whoa oh oh oh ♪

♪ No wonder my happy heart sings ♪

♪ Your love has given me wings ♪

-♪ Volare♪ -♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

[Vocalizing]

♪

♪ Let's fly way up to the clouds ♪

♪ Away from the maddening crowds ♪

♪ We can sing in the glow of a star that I know of ♪

♪ Where lovers enjoy peace of mind ♪

♪ Let us leave the confusion and all disillusion behind ♪

♪ Just like birds of a feather ♪

♪ A rainbow together we'll find ♪

♪ Volare ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Cantare ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ No wonder my happy heart sings ♪

♪ Your love has given me wings ♪

♪ Little baby, your love has given me wings ♪

♪ Oh, oh, your love has given me wings ♪

♪

♪

-♪ I still remember ♪

♪ I still love ♪

♪ I still remember ♪

♪ Where I came from ♪

♪ Lover to lover ♪

♪ Days in the sun ♪

♪ Moment by moment ♪

♪ Passed and done ♪

♪ I still remember ♪

♪ I still love ♪

♪ I still remember ♪

♪ Where I came from ♪

♪ Seduction surrender ♪

♪ Lover to lover ♪

♪ Days in the sun ♪

♪ Moment by moment ♪

♪ Passed and done ♪

♪ Seduction surrender ♪

-Uh, so we have four more endings.

[Laughter]

I think it's a total of six endings.

First, we have the fight with the vampires,

which, by the way, seem to have turned

into zombies at the end.

They surround Keith and Allison,

but then the albino gang shows up again and they get away.

And what is Billy Drago doing in this movie?

And you know, earlier when I was describing Billy Drago's career,

I forgot to mention he starred in "Freeway," the other freeway,

the one in 1988 where he's the crazed serial killer priest.

And, um, also, I should have mentioned

that he's the head of the mutant family

in "The Hills Have Eyes" remake.

Anyway, after they get away,

they go down into the sewers again

and they find the crypts and the coffins,

and they light the vampires on fire a second time,

because apparently the vampires store gasoline barrels

right next to where they sleep.

And then during the conflagration,

Allison is apparently kidnaped by Katrina.

So we get that elaborate kill scene with the heart staking

and the arrow through the head, which doesn't work,

and then the sunlight bathing, which does work.

And then there's the part where AJ kills Vlad,

who's about to kill Keith and Allison.

[Sighs]

-Such a hater, man. -So the budget

for "Vamp" was $3.3 million.

I mean, that should have been plenty

for a movie like this. [Laughter]

And that bought them 25 shooting days

beginning on January 28, 1986,

which happens to be the day of the Space shuttle

Challenger disaster... -Oh, wow.

-...and it was released later that year.

And it was basically a break even movie,

didn't lose money, didn't make money.

One interesting story is they had to rerecord

some of the soundtrack.

So Grace Jones had to come into the studio to do her screams

and her growls and everything.

So she shows up at the studio in an outfit

that had jangly metal all over it,

and every time they would do a take,

the outfit would mess up the audio.

So she just took off all her clothes

and did the recording session naked.

-She's a freaking icon, man.

-Oh, what did you think of the movie?

-What? I love it.

And why did you only give it

two and a half stars?

-Well, I thought the acting was weak.

It was maybe under-rehearsed.

I thought the structure was loosey goosey.

I thought the set pieces were lazy.

It was kind of one set piece after another.

They didn't always fit together.

-It has a really fun 80s vibe.

Vampire strippers and Grace Jones.

What is not to love?

-Also, too much comedy, not enough horror.

It's like "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"

meets "Fright Night,"

but with lamer production values than either of those two.

-I mean, you're making it sound really good.

We've shown way worse movies than this

that got at least three stars from you.

-I admit I'm in the minority.

This movie is loved by hardcore horror fans,

and everybody points out that

"From Dusk Till Dawn" is the same story

ten years later.

I would also mention "Bordello of Blood"

is the same story that's another variation...

-Always mention "Bordello of Blood."

-Yeah. -Four stars for me

for this one.

-Because it's fun.

-Yeah, actually. [Laughter]

Would you like some meaningful mailbag for a change?

-Meaningful mailbag? -Yes, sir.

-You know I hate meaningful mailbag

'cause I know what you mean by that.

-You need to read this one

from Beth Rogers of Hixson, Tennessee.

-Girl ballerina stationary. All right.

-Let's go. -"Dear Mr. Joe Bob,

it's me, Beth, Okay Elizabeth on Instagram.

I will spare you my entire life story.

You heard it in Chattanooga at the Chattanooga Film Festival

in 2019, and parts of it from Audra,

my lifelong best female friend that I share core memories with.

Many, including your shows.

I dragged her and another bestie with us,

my husband and I, to Memphis for the jamboree.

We had a wonderful time

and planned on coming out to Vegas this year,

but then in July I was diagnosed

with stage three triple negative breast cancer.

Do not be alarmed!

In case you don't know anything about cancers,

well, this is basically the worst kind of breast cancer

to get, it's very treatable and I will definitely beat this

and maybe live forever.

Hahaha. It is obviously life changing and difficult,

but while some aspects of this actual battle are 'scary,'"

in quotes, "I am not worried.

I am," quote, "'young and healthy.'

Doctor's words and confident in the team doing all the work.

Tennessee oncologists got me set.

There's lots of cool things here, like new boobs.

I get new boobs hahaha.

I quit smoking and I'm more hydrated than ever.

I need to get to the point as my hand is cramping

and I wanted this to be legible.

You wrote me after I got my Tenebrios wall in the auction.

That really surprised me. -Aww.

-You were such an awesome dude, Joe Bob,

I think I'll be done with all of this cancer mess

by summer, early fall, hopefully sooner.

So I cannot take you up on the free ticket offer.

Until the --" when you --

I, uh, offer free tickets to the Jamboree.

Um, when people buy something in the auction.

Okay, uh, "I must avoid crowds,

but, and this is quite unlike me,

please understand, I saw that you're filming in Senoia."

We are filming in Senoia, Georgia, uh,

"And Chattanooga is pretty close.

Would it be possible for myself and my husband,

if not also Nicolette and Audra,

to come visit the set or see a taping?

We're still looking at spring, early spring, late winter,

maybe because I'm on chemo for three months."

When did she send this? This would be now, I guess.

"I'm not sure how I'll be handling it.

Even short road trips might be hard.

I know this is a big ask.

I don't know, maybe by then you'll all be done

and you can come up here and do a show.

Do your redneck show again, I'll get you your free tickets.

It's not as if I'd not met y'all last year,

and I got a cameo from you, and I sent a cameo from you.

And I've seen you at Chattanooga Film Festival twice.

Ha ha ha. So I'll always be a loyal fan for life,

no matter if you don't even read this.

But I have a feeling you will." -We read it.

-"Thank you.

Darcy and everyone, but mostly you,

for nurturing my keen interests

and being accessible and gracious.

I hated missing Vegas,

but I will be back victorious with new boobs."

-Yeah. -"Oh, I meant to mention,

even if the tone of the letter is kind of somber,

I have a really great mentality on this.

Profound compliments from people about it.

Again, please do not worry, this is just my little mutant

Make-A-Wish for 39 year olds. Ha ha ha. Have fun in Georgia.

We'll be watching also, just to reiterate,

I don't usually make ask, I'm a generous helper

and I feel weird asking for anything,

but it never hurts to ask.

My expectations are quite tempered.

Please feel no obligation."

Um, "But if you're doing a show after my chemo,

hopefully I can take you up on your original offer.

We'd even come to Georgia if you don't hit up the Noog.

Happy season six and much love, Beth Rogers."

And then she included a card for the crew.

"Joe Bob, Darcy, John B, Yuki, Justin, everyone,

thank you for making Friday nights spooky,

weird and fun again.

I get to impose on my friends schedules

and feed them soup and share good laughs with them,

using the last drive in as a lure of sorts.

We just love the show and you guys are amazing.

Beth and nuts and Audra and Nicolette."

And then there's a picture,

I guess this is me with...

Uh, Beth at the 2019 Chattanooga Film Festival.

"The first time we got to meet you."

All right, well, I didn't know this happened.

Um, uh, we normally don't have people on the set.

I mean, once a year, we auction off, um...

a set visit, but come on down, Beth.

Um... [Sighs]

As soon as you finish that last chemo

and we'll -- we'll set it up.

I don't know if you've ever been to Senoia,

but they have a sign at the city limits that says

"Welcome to Senoia, the charming as fuck city."

It's one of those charming as fuck towns

with the cute little Main Street and the B&B,

and I hate being beat.

Anyway, we're -- we're -- we're rooting for you, Beth.

And stop doing this.

-I know you love it. -You're supposed to do

one a year, what the -- You know?

-You're starting a new year. -All right.

-And I guess that's it for

"Joe Bob's Very Violent Valentine."

And, Darcy, I want to thank you

for teaching me the ins and outs of these kinks tonight.

-Boy, it's my pleasure.

And I'm just -- I'm really curious.

Are any of tonight's kinks speaking to you?

-Any of these kinks? -Yeah.

-On the -- on the board? -Any of them looking good?

-Well, definitely not hematolagnia,

blood drinking and not -- -Why?

-Definitely not femdom.

And definitely not being swallowed whole

and definitely -- well, serial killing.

-You cannot pick serial killing.

Pick another one. -Um...

What was formico...philia?

-Kitchen table.

-The kitchen table? No.

-Wasn't it? -No.

-Formicophilia was, uh --

Oh, that was bugs. No, no, no.

No, no, no. [Laughter]

I don't know. Like maybe pi sexual.

That's about the only one.

That's like, seems... -Oh, really?

-Seems safe and interesting.

I don't know. -Interests you, does it?

-I'm Joe Bob Briggs, speaking for

myself and Darcy, the mail girl,

reminding you of the eternal law

of traffic variation.

Anytime you change lanes,

the one you were in will always move faster

than the one you're in now.

But the drive-in will never die.

A young doctor moves to a small community --

A community like Senoia, Georgia --

to replace the doctor who's retiring.

And the older doc says, "Come on,

accompany me on my rounds

so the community can meet you."

So at the first house they come to,

a woman says, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

And the older doctor says,

"Well, you're probably overdoing the fresh fruit.

Cut back on that and see if that does the trick."

So as the doctors are leaving, the younger man says,

"You didn't even examine that woman.

How did you come up with that diagnosis so quickly?"

And he answers him, "Well, I didn't have to examine her.

Did you notice I dropped my stethoscope on the floor?

Well, when I went bent over to pick it up,

I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.

That's what was probably making her sick."

The younger doctor says, "Pretty clever,

if you don't mind, I'm gonna try that

at the next house."

So the next house, they spend several minutes

talking to a young woman and she says,

"I just don't have the energy I once did.

I'm feeling terribly run down," and the young doctor says,

"You're probably doing too much for the church.

You should cut back a bit on your church activities

and see if that helps."

As they're leaving, the elder doctor says,

"I know that woman well.

Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct,

but how did you arrive at that?"

And the young doctor says, "Same way you did.

I drop my stethoscope, and when I bent down to pick it up,

I saw the preacher under the bed."

[Laughter]

Oh, my God.

that was like --

[Laughter]

Wow.

I think I might like it.

♪ We are Drive-In Mutants Drive-In Mutants ♪

♪ We are not like other people, other people ♪

♪ We are sick We are disgusting ♪

♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Yeah we believe in ♪

♪ Blood and breasts and beasts ♪

♪ Yeah we believe in ♪

♪ Blood and breasts and beasts ♪

♪ If life had a vomit meter

♪ We'd be off the scale ♪

♪ As long as one Drive-In remains ♪

♪ On the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like jungle animals ♪

♪

♪ We will boogie 'til we puke ♪

♪ The Drive-In will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie 'til we puke ♪

♪ The Drive-In will never die ♪

♪ Yeah we believe in blood ♪

♪ And breasts and beasts ♪

♪ We believe in blood ♪

♪ And breasts and beasts ♪

♪ Yeah we believe in ♪

-Made in Georgia.