Original subtitles

-♪ Hey, everybody, have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town

♪ He's over at the drive-in, hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies, so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties, boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪

[Static crackles]

-Hey, I'm Joe Bob Briggs, and it's time for

"Joe Bob's Very Violent Valentine."

A trip into the dark caverns

and crevices of the sexual imagination.

In other words, it's time for our annual

Valentine's Day double feature.

And to help us out with that is the woman

who actually has a website called Kinky Horror.

Our very own Darcy the Mail Girl.

Come on out, Darcy.

[Cheering]

Wow, that is a Little Red Riding Hood statement

if I've ever seen one. All right.

Are you ready to get depraved?

-Always. -All right.

How did you come up with that name in the first place?

Kinky Horror?

-Oh, well, I covered sex and horror on my site,

so it kind of made sense.

-All right, well, then you're the expert for tonight

because we're showing a couple of movies

that go deep into the black hearts of people

who combine sex and violence in extremely unhealthy ways.

The first movie should be called "Never Trust Men",

and the second movie should be called "Never Trust Women."

And in both cases, it's people who get turned on

by blood, gore, and carnal destruction.

-Ooh, you're making me hot, baby.

-[Laughs] Okay.

I know that about you. All right.

It's been a while since we've done a show.

Are you keeping those orgies organized in LA?

-[Laughs] You know it. What you been up to?

-I watched "Killers of the Flower Moon."

-You're just now getting around to that?

I thought you were, like, a really big Martin Scorsese fan.

-No, I mean, I went on opening day,

and then the movie was finally over yesterday, you know?

So, yeah.

-Good one.

-I mean, I admire creative decisions,

and Scorsese is the best when it comes to,

like, imaginative use of violence,

but trying to do poisoning in real time,

you know, I mean, by the third hour

you're going, "Is she dead yet?"

You know, because Leonardo DiCaprio is

pissing everybody off because he can't kill his wife fast enough

to make the movie be over. Anyway --

-So you're not a fan? -No, no, I'm a fan.

I'm always a fan of Scorsese's movies,

but it's one of those movies, like, you know,

like "Gandhi" or "Malcolm X",

you know, like like, yeah, great movie, outstanding.

One of the outstanding achievements in cinema.

I will never watch it again.

-[Laughs] Word.

-Okay, so I thought before we got into the first movie,

which is a great film called "Freeway."

-Yeah. -From 1996.

One of the most twisted, perverted, and beautiful

serial killer flicks in cinematic history.

-Agreed. -Before we get into that,

I thought we would go over my list.

And you're the expert, so you tell me where I'm wrong.

-Okay. -But I have made a list

of the 10 most perverted types of sex practiced by humankind.

This is Kink-A-Rama 2024.

And behind each of these squares is a word,

just a single word describing the kink

that will set your synapses on fire.

That's why we're not revealing the words right away.

So -- And we're not judging. We're not judging.

-Never. -If you're into

any of these things,

we hope you just wear a helmet, you know?

But anyway, we're going to do a "Last Drive In" survey

of bedroom kinks, and the only ones I'm leaving out are

the ones so gross that you need actual medication

from just talking about them.

And you know exactly which ones I'm talking about, right?

-I do. -Okay.

Now, remember when the Boulet Brothers

were on the show? -Yes, I do.

-We had the Boulet Brothers on the show,

and I asked them for the wildest thing

that ever happened to him on stage,

and they told a story that left everyone in shock.

[Laughs]

You remember that? -Yes, I do.

-Okay, so none of those, none of those particular kinks.

And I also didn't want to do any kinks that were so dangerous

that somebody -- our audience will do many things.

So I didn't want somebody in our audience

trying it and ending up like David Carradine,

you know, naked with a rope around his whangdoodle...

-Aw! -...hanging from a closet door

in a Bangkok hotel room or whatever.

-That was so sad.

-Well, who knows if it was sad.

I mean, he might have been very happy.

You know, that's the thing about kinks.

So safety first. All right?

-I feel like you should have a disclaimer.

Tell people not to do that.

-No, don't do that David Carradine thing. No.

-Yeah, no, ropes to your penis

and hang yourself in the closet door...

-Yeah. Don't do that. -Joe Bob says no.

-No, no penis roping. -Okay, continue.

-But I don't want to get letters from penis ropers. Anyway --

-It's also fine if you want to, but we're not suggesting it.

-But don't do anything that could cut off

the blood supply to the brain. Let's start with that.

Or the blood supply to the little brain.

So okay. Oh, we're already in too deep.

-I know, man, this is not gonna end well.

-We're going to start with an easy one. All right?

-Okay.

-The first one is podophilia.

You're thinking pedophilia. It's not pedophilia.

-Okay. -Podophilia, okay?

And I've never quite understood this one.

It was a pretty popular fetish.

And this is the foot fetish. Okay?

You have a romantic dinner on Valentine's Day.

You wear shoes that show a little extra foot.

[Laughs] -[Meows]

-And then when you get back to the room,

you start slathering spit on those tootsies,

if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

So, no, so, Darcy, how weird is this one? How weird is it?

-That is not weird at all. It's really common.

There's even a website called wikiFeet.

-WikiFeet? -For this whole thing.

-Really? -Yeah.

-What do you have to do to get a place on Wikifeet?

-I don't know, I think people just put your picture up

and say, "Hey, there's feet."

Because I'm on it, and I didn't sign up for it.

-Really? Your feet have been judged wiki wonderful

on Wikifeet?

-I mean, I guess so.

From what I understand, it's because my second toe

is longer than my big toe,

and some people think that's hot.

-Really? So... -No judgment. Thank you.

-No, no, no, I'm thinking --

So the foot fans go, "Get a load of that protruding metatarsal.

You don't see those very often."

-I mean, something like that. Yeah.

-Okay. -And arches.

People love arches. -Okay.

-Whatever. -What's the ideal way

to share your feet if you have an admirer?

I'm assuming strappy high heels would be at the heart of it.

-I mean, that's definitely one. There are many ways.

Like, as many as your mind can imagine.

-All right. -Yeah.

-And if both of the lovers would be into extremity worship --

Can I call it that, extremity worship?

-Yes, you may.

-Or hell, maybe you get together an orgy of barefoot sex maniacs

with recent pedicures, you know?

And I assume you could get into

all kinds of interesting positions

giving access to the assorted flippers and piggies down there.

Right? -Flippers and piggies?

-Well, twinkle toes, whatever.

I'm imagining this dog pile of comely arches

and practiced toe wiggles.

-I think you might have set some people off with that.

I don't think it usually gets that elaborate.

-Well, it should, because this is Fetish Night

on "The Last Drive In."

We're going to go into this stuff,

and if you want to show off your fetish cosplay,

please do send us the photos, because Darcy will be here

all night answering the e-mails and tweets.

-I'm excited for this. -TikToks.

You got to be careful on TikTok, though,

because they're not big on sexual stuff.

And maybe we'll share some freaky funky

Valentine's dress up material.

-Yes, please do that. That's awesome.

-Be sure to specify the name of your kink, though,

because we might not recognize it right away.

You could be practicing, you know,

double reverse hiney strapping, and we might mistake it

for kitchen table utensil insertion or something.

-Wow. -Wait a minute. Uh...

-What?

[Beeping]

Okay. Um, for many legal reasons that I don't understand,

we do not want you sending any kink cosplay to Shudder tonight.

Um, do not send us any wild, kinky photos

of kinky stuff that you do.

-[Whispers] Send it. -Don't send it.

-I was mistaken. All right.

There are literally millions of kinks.

In fact, I would go so far as to say there's nobody alive

who does not have a kink, right?

Even if your kink is acceptable to the Catholic Church.

You know, and actually, the Catholics are strange

because they invented the term "missionary position."

You know, that comes from Catholic teachings.

But then they're pretty much the kinkiest of all religions.

And you know how we know that?

You know how we know Catholics are kinky?

-Because I was raised Catholic.

-No, no, because we know that

because of those Italian sex comedies from the '70s.

Italy was the most Catholic country in the world

when those movies were being made.

And there was -- in every one of those movies,

there's a priest or a nun or a cardinal

in every one of them.

And usually doing something that could get you into

lifetime lock up in the protective custody unit

of the supermax.

So, and anyway, speaking of nasty, violent kinksters,

our first movie tonight is everybody's favorite

sexual predator fairy tale, Little Red Riding Hood.

-Whoo! -Except Red is an abused,

illiterate schoolgirl whose crack ho hooker mama

gets hauled off to prison on the same day

that her meth head pedophile step-dad violates his parole,

causing little Vanessa to be threatened

with one more trip into the foster care system,

resulting in an escape from custody,

followed by a long trip up Interstate 5

to find the grandma in Stockton, in a trailer,

who doesn't know that Vanessa exists.

Sure, we've seen it before,

but have we seen it with Brooke Shields

as the Karen wife of a serial killer

who ends up having to take care of his colostomy bag?

I think not.

Let's look at those Drive In totals and get started.

We have six dead bodies, one horribly maimed body,

one radical colectomy, prison matron strangulation

and head stomping, self-inflicted brain blasting,

multiple Grand Theft Auto, one step-dad beatdown,

one jerk cop beat down,

one prison mama beat down, one drive by,

one lesbian prison makeout session, one porno mountain.

Multiple street hookers.

Pistol whipping, guard slicing, neighborhood assassination.

Perverted sexual predator cartoon title sequence.

Kitchen utensil shiv making.

Naked pervert trunk stuffing. Grandma abuse.

Gratuitous stuffed giraffes. Pigtail fu. Upchuck fu.

Drive In Academy Award nominations for Michael T. Weiss

as Larry, the step-dad from hell in a spaghetti strap T-shirt,

who says, "Me and your mama

spent the whole day in line getting rent vouchers."

Bokeem Woodbine as the gang affiliated boyfriend

with a heart of gold.

Reese Witherspoon from the days

when she was still doing drive in movies,

who yells, "Come on over and ruin my life again real soon!"

to the cop who calls Child Services.

And, "You're not even going to speak to me,

Mr. Oink-man," to the cop who arrests her.

And, "Look who got beat with the ugly stick,"

to the man she shoots in the head.

Amanda Plummer as Ramona,

the mama who propositions an undercover cop

and has to be hogtied in the cop car

because she can't get her methadone.

Conchata Ferrell as Miss Streets,

the foster care policewoman who drives

an ugly old green station wagon that becomes the getaway car.

Kiefer Sutherland as Bob Wolverton,

the school counselor turned I-5 killer

who says, "You're going to have to trust me.

You're going to have to let me in."

Brittany Murphy as Rhonda, the pervy cellmate

who says, "Only the shooters wear them orange murder suits."

Brooke Shields as the vengeance seeking wife who says,

"My husband has been permanently disfigured.

He's unable to have sexual relations."

Alanna Ubach as Mesquita,

the tough cholla who leads the prison sisterhood.

And Matthew Bright, the writer director

for doing the best version of Little Red Riding Hood

in the thousand year history of fairy tales.

So four stars, Joe Bob says check it out.

-Good job.

-You know why we have so many kinks in modern society?

-I'm sure you're going to tell us.

-Having sex with the TV on.

You know, you're having sex,

but you're also watching Jerry Springer.

You know, that's going to do things to your libido.

Or you're having sex and you're watch --

or you're having sex and you're watching Bugs Bunny.

You know, either one, you can go either way.

-So your theory is that makes us want

to have sex with Bugs Bunny?

-Not with Bugs Bunny, but it's much more subtle

than that, Darcy.

I mean, you might start

craving Elmer Fudd's double barreled shotgun

to be pointed at you before you could get inspired.

You know? -You know, no judgment.

That's -- okay.

-Probably at least, you know, every possible object

in the world is somebody's fetish.

-Every single object. -Every object.

-What about this beer bottle? -Damn, Darcy.

I mean, that is an easy one.

That is so easy. Let's not even go there.

-All right, what about the cap to the beer bottle?

-There's actually a famous joke

about the cap to the beer bottle.

[Laughs]

But we can't tell the joke on Shudder.

And you can tell almost any joke on Shudder.

So that should tell you what level of perversity

the cap on the beer bottle joke is.

-I think I've heard that joke.

-Okay, am I right?

-You're right. -Okay.

-Most jokes are invented in bars.

So anything that can be done with a beer bottle has been done

with a beer bottle, so don't even think about it.

-I'm thinking about it. -Don't.

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

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-Okay, we've got a four-word sentence here for you.

What is it, Vanessa?

Vanessa, come on.

-Here we go.

-The -- -The?

Um...

Ca...

-Ah.

Meow?

-Cat.

-Perfect, you got it.

Now let's continue to the third word.

-Dren...

-Think K, kuh, followed by S.

Think kuh-S.

Think.

-Drenks?

Drinks?

-You got it. That's it. -Drinks.

-You did it. Perfect.

-Um, the cat drinks...

...milk.

-[Laughs] That's right. Very good.

-[Laughs] -Great, Vanessa.

Vanessa, Chopper!

Fully rewarded now?

[Indistinct chattering]

-Hey, mister!

I've got my own place. -Mnh-mnh.

-It's right over there in the motel.

You can turn right here and get in, it's cooler.

Then can I get in the car with you?

Please, sir? I'll go wherever you want to go.

I'll go wherever you want to go.

Come on, sir, sir!

Well, screw you, too, fuckin' nigger.

-Mom? What are you doin'?

-What are you doin' home so early?

-It's not so early, Mom.

-How you doin', Ms. Lutz?

-Don't even talk to her, Chopper!

-Vanessa, I'm out of here.

-Okay.

-Will you give your mom my regards?

-Will do, Ms. Lutz.

-You said you weren't gonna do this no more, Ma.

-Listen, I've had enough crap from your father all day.

I am real stressed out --

-Larry is not my dad.

-Listen, if you're gonna smart-ass me,

you can just go on home right now.

Get out of my face right now.

Go on, get out.

-Fine.

Fine.

-You don't know nothing' about nothin'!

You don't know a goddamn thing about nothin'!

-Larry, just let me through.

-What's the magic word?

-Fuck you, you piece of shit.

-Fuck you? [Chuckles]

How was school?

-Like you really fucking care.

Asshole.

-Hey, me and your mama, we spent the whole day in line

securin' rent vouchers, and we could

both use a little consideration.

-You know, don't it bother you, your own wife

bringin' off all them strange guys for money?

-I make her use mouthwash after.

-Oh, you like that minty-fresh taste, huh, Larry?

-You know something, Vanessa Lutz,

I'm gettin' ready to take a seriously big shit

right on top of that pointy little head of yours!

Don't be a smart-ass.

-Hey, motherfucker.

You want some company?

-Yeah.

-Oh, let me get in.

-You get the luckiest breaks.

And I mean lucky.

What else could it be?

-We interrupt this program to go live

to LA County Sheriff's headquarters,

where a press conference is now in progress

regarding the grisly find yesterday morning

along San Diego Freeway in Torrance.

-The two females have been identified as 19-year-old

Tempest Mueller of Downey,

and 16-year-old Corky Poindexter of Bellflower.

Both females have extensive arrest records for

prostitution, and we are now considering them as victims

of the individual that we call the I-5 Killer.

I'll take a few questions.

-I happened to be watchin' that, Larry!

-Forget it.

-You know, you just don't want me hearin' about

that killer out there.

What if he drove up right this second

and snatched up Mom, huh?

What would you have to say then, smart guy?

-First of all, your mama would kick his ass.

[Laughs]

And second of all, that killer

is all the way up in LA, okay?

-♪ My dog's better than yours ♪

♪ My dog's better than your dog ♪

♪ My dog's better than yours ♪

♪ My dog's better 'cause he gets Ken-L Ration ♪

♪ My dog's better than yours ♪

-Larry, get your goddamn hands off of my anatomy!

Or I swear to fucking God --

-What?

What are you gonna do?

-I'll tell Mom.

-Oh, yeah, like she's really gonna believe you.

[Laughs]

-You know, I'm really not up to your shit today, Larry.

In fact, I'm mad as hell at you now.

-Aww, come here.

-God dammit, Larry!

Get your fuckin' hands off me, you shithead!

-Ah!

-Ow! -Fucker!

[Laughing]

-You hit hard!

Ow!

Ow.

-Now you just behave.

-Fuck, you hit hard.

-You know, I can't help you if you don't tell me

what it is you want.

-Well, maybe we'd better just forget the whole thing.

-[Laughing] -No.

I bet you like havin' your wiener sucked.

Hmm? Don't you?

-Yeah, I guess so.

-How come that doesn't surprise me?

-What would a thing like that cost?

-$30.

-Sheriff's Department. You're under arrest.

-Let go!

Come on, guys, I didn't do anything.

I did nothing wrong.

-Take it easy.

-Come on.

-Where do you think you're going?

-Ow, ow, you're hurtin' me, you're hurtin' my arm!

You're hurtin' me, you're hurtin' my arm.

-What's your name, Miss?

-Ramona Lutz.

Bully!

-Staying at this motel?

-Yeah.

[Laughing]

I never saw that before in my life,

and that's God's truth, sir.

-You're telling me this brown residue isn't narcotics?

-That doesn't belong to me.

-What is that, speed?

You look like a speedy kinda gal.

-Oh, come on, Officer, please, listen to me, please.

My little girl, she's home with me now,

and she just got out of Children's Services,

and I cannot afford to be busted again

because they'll take her away from me.

They'll just take my baby away.

-You know this pipe constitutes probable cause,

so we're gonna have to take a look inside your motel room.

-Oh, you can't do that.

My husband's asleep.

-Your husband know you're out here soliciting?

-Yeah, give us a fuckin' break.

-Your husband own a firearm, Ramona?

-My Larry is on parole.

He hasn't had a firearm for a long time.

-We're gonna be real unhappy if you're

not telling us the truth.

-I am tellin' you the truth, okay?

-Come on, let's go.

-You guys are makin' me wish I was dead.

You fuckin' happy about that?!

Are you fuckin' happy about that?!

-You're gonna cut that out right now or you're gonna be hogtied!

-But if you just listen to me!

-Shut your mouth now!

Not another word!

[Woman moaning on television]

-Sheriff's Department, Larry.

-Oh, yes!

-We need to talk to you a minute.

-Hey, hey, what the fuck?

Oh, shit!

-Who's the girl, Larry?

-Tryin' to take my baby away.

-You're diddlin' the daughter, Larry?

-What kind of question is that? You mean --

-Get her outta here!

-Hey, hey, hey, come on now.

She ain't my real daughter.

And besides, nothin's goin' on, right?

Ow, ow.

-Just who is this man to you?

-He's my stepfather.

-Take him into the other room,

and I'll talk to the juvenile alone.

-Hey, ow! I got a pin in my shoulder,

and if you don't cuff me in front, I swear to God,

I'm gonna sue the fuckin' police department

until there's no fuckin' tomorrow!

You son of a bitch!

-What's your name, Miss?

-Vanessa Lutz.

-Well, kid, I sure don't envy your situation here.

-My parents is just goin' through a hard time is all,

with the finances and everything.

-Well, I see they still got enough money left over

to buy drugs.

-I wouldn't be comfortable talkin' about

that sort of thing, ma'am.

-Yes, boss.

-I'm gonna ask you a question, okay?

And don't get upset either, it's important.

-Okay.

-Is there some sort of sexual activity going on

between your stepfather and yourself?

[Laughing]

-Elevator up.

-Come here, baby.

-We are so fucked.

-What are you laughin' at!

[Laughing]

-We are so fucked.

-Oh, don't take my baby away!

Oh, please!

-If you love her so much, how come you don't

clean up around here once in a while?

-I do clean up, sir.

It just happens that I'm under a great deal of stress.

My sister happened to die three months ago

in Washington, and I'm tryin' to get off methadone!

-You're on methadone?

-Will you please give me a cigarette?

-I told you to keep quiet.

-Please give her a cigarette.

Please.

-Are you mad at me?

Honey?

-I'm not mad, Mom.

-Please don't be mad.

Come over here, give me a big hug.

Come on.

I ain't gonna see you for a long time, baby.

Come on.

Oh, baby.

Oh.

I am so sorry, Pooh Bear.

I'm so sorry.

You still love me?

-I love you, Mom.

-I love you more.

-Here.

-[Laughing]

-Tell this piece of shit to get his knee out of my neck!

-Bye, Ramona!

[Laughing]

I love you!

-[Grumbling]

I love you!

Ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow, ow!

-Watch her head.

[Ramona shouting]

-I'll go in the other car.

-Get her outta here.

-Bye, Ramona!

[Larry laughing]

-Children's Services are on their way.

-Oh, that's just great.

-No offense, kid,

but anything's an improvement over this.

Well, what do you think we ought to do here?

Just leave you here?

-I could stay with you for a couple weeks.

-Are you kidding? -No, I'm serious.

I mean, I could do all sorts of chores

while you was out messin' people up.

-Well, we're not allowed to do things like that.

-You're lyin'.

-No, I'm not. -Yeah, you are.

If you don't want to, all you had to do was

just say it straight out.

-I don't want to.

-Okay, then.

Hey, Mrs. Sheets.

Guess you heard the news.

-Hello, Vanessa.

I heard your mother might be away for a while.

-Yeah, this is her third arrest this year.

She's lookin' at six months mandatory.

-We're holding the stepfather on multiple parole violations.

-Oh, I am so sorry about all this, Vanessa.

I can take over here now, Officer.

-Good luck, kid. -Yeah, right.

Come on over and ruin my life again real soon.

-You don't have to be so hard on the officer.

-She just took my whole family off to jail, okay?

I hate pigs so much, Mrs. Sheets.

-Well, come on now.

Let's go gather up some of your things.

-You're puttin' me in foster care again, aren't you?

-Honey, I'm willing to consider any alternative

you'd like to suggest, but, I don't know.

-My grandma would be an alternative.

-This is the first I've heard of any grandma.

-Yeah, on my father's side.

My real father.

See?

She'd take me in, most likely.

-You don't sound too sure.

-Actually, she don't know about me yet.

-That's not gonna do us much good for tonight.

Why haven't you been in touch with her before now?

-Because before I was born, there was this bad blood

between her and my mom, and there must've been

some harsh words spoke, because my mom' supposed to have

thrown this chemical on her face

that burned her skin a little bit.

-Lovely.

-I tried gettin' her on the phone once,

but she ain't listed.

If I can just get up to that Stockton place,

I know I'd find her.

-Just like that, huh?

-Yeah.

-Vanessa, Vanessa.

Oh, my God.

-I know what I need.

Mrs. Sheets, could you come in here and fold up my blanket?

-This one?

-Yeah, that one.

-What do you want with this old thing?

-My mama gave it to me.

-What are you doing?

What...

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

-Shit!

Sorry.

Let me get you turned around.

-Vanessa, this is not funny!

Vanessa!

-I'm not laughin', Mrs. Sheets, I promise.

Now, if you yell loud enough, Mr. Wong will come

and set you free.

He's the day manager.

And I'll leave the keys on top of the TV.

-Vanessa, don't do this! You come back here!

Vanessa!

[Engine sputters, starts]

-Where the fuck are you, Chopper?

-Whoa, we gonna sell this shit?

Yo, hold this for fuckin' reals, bitch.

Huh? The fuck outta here, you stupid --

[Horn honking]

-Chopper!

Chopper, we're fucked.

We're totally fucked.

Just after you left, the pigs came

and pinched Mom and Larry both.

Then my parole officer showed up

like the motherfuckin' plague to take me off

to foster care again, just like last time.

-So how did you get here?

-I cuffed her ankle to the bed.

-That wasn't very smart, Vanessa.

-I know, I know.

Look, I'm goin' up north, and unless you never want to see

me again, you better get in this car right now and come with me.

-I gotta be in court next week for sentencing.

If I don't show, I'm gonna get a year

at Camp Gonzalez for sure.

-I guess I'm on my own.

-Where up north are you goin'?

-My grandma's up in Stockton.

-You got any money?

-No.

-Sell that when you get where you're going.

It's from Spain.

-I love you so much, Chopper.

-I love you, too, baby.

-Oh, here.

Take this.

-[Chuckles]

-I gotta go.

[Engine starts]

[Music playing]

Bye, Chopper, my beloved boyfriend.

-[Speaking native language]

[Gunshots]

[Dogs barking]

-Shit!

[Groans]

[Novelty horn honking]

[Gasping]

[Dissonant music]

[Static crackles]

-Well, so much for Chopper.

The boyfriend killed in the drive by.

One of many great little performances

by this amazing cast.

That was Bokeem Woodbine as Chopper.

He would go on to a huge career.

He was a Fathead Newman in "Ray."

He got an Emmy as a mob enforcer in "Fargo."

And then that's the very versatile Amanda Plummer

as Ramona, Vanessa's crack ho mom.

And that's the great character actor

Michael T. Weiss as Larry.

And that's Conchata Ferrell as Miss Sheets, the social worker.

She was in everything --

"Two and a Half Men", "L.A. Law."

And of course, that's Reese Witherspoon

long before she made "Legally Blonde"

and became a star and then made "Walk the Line"

and became an Oscar winner.

And I think at one time,

she was the highest paid actress in Hollywood.

But not for this movie.

This is early in her career,

and I love the way she plays this,

using her authentic Nashville accent,

because that's where she grew up.

She grew up in a military family.

She was actually born at the Wiesbaden army base in Germany.

So the answer to how you get a cast like this

is you get Oliver Stone

involved in the movie as executive producer.

Matthew Bright, who wrote the script,

was not very well known at the time,

except he had written "Gun Crazy",

which was a critically acclaimed crime picture

with Drew Barrymore, James Le Gros.

So a friend of his had done work for Oliver Stone

and got Oliver Stone to read two of Bright's scripts.

And Stone just loved "Freeway",

but he didn't want to direct it himself,

and he said, "Whoever wrote this has to direct it

because it has a certain sensibility

that only the writer would understand."

So all of a sudden,

Matthew Bright becomes a director.

He wasn't even looking to be a director.

It just happened to him.

It was low budget,

but because Oliver Stone was involved,

everybody showed up at the casting office.

There was just a buzz around this movie, around Hollywood.

And as you'll see, every single minor character

is played by a total pro.

It's basically a two person movie,

but the two leads are backed up by this army of talent,

and not just on the screen.

The music for that wacky title sequence with

the wolf chasing all the Red Riding Hoods,

the music for the whole movie was composed

and orchestrated by Danny Elfman.

He did the job for a dollar.

Well, actually, it was a dollar

with the provision that Matthew Bright,

who was his childhood friend,

would agree to do some yard work for him.

And he actually. -Wow.

-About a week's worth of yard work.

The producer pitched in, and they did the yard work together.

-Oh, my God. -But anyway, that was huge

because Danny Elfman, he was a big studio guy.

He had done "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure"

and "Batman" and "Beetlejuice" and "Darkman"

and "Scrooged" and "Midnight Run"

and "Dick Tracy",

and all he asked for, he says, "Give me three musicians

that I can take into the studio

for the orchestral parts of the score."

So anyway, I'll talk more about Matthew Bright

as the night goes on.

But, Darcy, this film had an impact on your life, right?

-[Laughs] I mean, that's that's a bit much,

but I saw it when it came out and I just hated it.

I love it now. I totally get it.

But at the time, I thought it was just,

like way too violent and real.

Like, I didn't like all the gun violence.

-Didn't you think it was funny, though?

It's funny gun violence.

-I honestly back then did not get the funny at all.

Just like all over my head.

-Okay. -Totally lost on me.

-Well, actually, that you were not alone

because it premiered at Sundance,

and 30 people walked out in like the first 15 minutes.

And the reviewer for Variety

trashed the movie in a major way.

-I would have been one of those walkouts back then.

-All right, well, what Matthew Bright was trying to do

is portray what he called the, quote,

"dysfunctional white people"

that he knew from the streets of Hollywood,

which is where he grew up.

And he was one of those guys --

He was one of those guys, like in the movie "Angel"

hanging around Hollywood Boulevard, you know?

But he wanted to portray the lowlifes in a loving way,

as they were flawed people in and out of prison

fighting the system, but always kind of losing,

being betrayed by the system, petty criminals,

because life forces them to be petty criminals.

And in this case, she's being betrayed

repeatedly by the foster care system.

Which, you know about that, right?

-I have totally been there, done that. It's all true.

-Did you ever chain the social worker to the bed?

-No, but I should have.

-All right, well, as we continue

with the Kink-A-Rama Countdown

on "Joe Bob's Very Violent Valentine",

let's move on to our next kink.

We have...

coulrophilia.

Do you know this one? Coulrophilia?

-Oh, I know all of them.

But what's the nonscientific name?

-Sex with clowns.

-Oh, yeah, I know that one.

-Okay. All right, here's my question.

Do you want sex with the clown

because you like clowns, or sex with a clown

because you're afraid of clowns?

Is the thrill positive or a negative thrill?

-I think it can work both ways.

-Like, ooh, Mr. Scary Clown,

don't get mad if I honk your nose.

-[Laughs] I mean, that's hot. Yeah.

[Laughter]

-Well, so my research into coulrophilia --

Where is this?

Coulrophilia -- sex with clowns --

says the reason for it could be

that you didn't have a childhood

so you're doing this as a substitute.

-Nah. -No?

Or you like the idea of not

knowing who's behind the face paint?

-Yes. Oh, yes.

-Or you can fantasize about the person you would like

to be behind the face paint.

-Okay. -Or because it takes

all the seriousness out of sex.

Because everything you're doing is to get a laugh,

including yourself having sex?

-Sure. -[Laughter]

-Or clowns will never judge you because they're too silly.

-I mean, it all makes sense.

I think there's maybe one more reason.

-One more reason?

-What if they fantasized about being killed by John Wayne Gacy?

-Ooh.

-I'm just saying. I may have heard that.

-That that is dark.

Fantasize about being dying while having sex with --

-No judgment. -All right, all right.

And you were frightened by "Freeway"?

-I've watched a few movies since then.

All right, back to the flick. Roll it.

You have have to introduce John Wayne Gacy into...

[Laughs]

Oh, dare I ask, Darcy. -I've heard it.

-Have you had sex with a clown?

-[Laughs]

-Perhaps.

[Laughter]

-And how would you describe that experience?

-Uh, wacky.

[Laughter]

-It should be. Sex with a clown should be wacky.

-Wacky and zany.

-Wacky and zany, as all clown sex should be.

-Agreed.

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

[Engine revving]

♪

♪

♪

-Fucking car!

Didn't know that today it would pass.

Fuck.

-You havin' some kind of trouble?

-The fucking cocksucker won't even fucking turn over!

Excuse my bad language, sir.

-It's all right.

Would you mind if I take a look at it?

-Yeah, go for it.

-Why don't you get behind the wheel there

and step on the gas for me.

Try it.

[Engine sputtering]

Again.

[Engine sputtering]

Well, I hate to be the one to break the news to you,

but this car's had it.

-I knew it was only a matter of time.

-Where you headed?

-My grandma's up in Stockton.

-Well, I'm goin' as far as LA.

You're more than welcome to ride with me if you'd like.

-Really, mister? -Sure.

Why don't you grab your stuff and let's go.

-Thanks!

[Engine starts]

-I guess we oughta call a tow truck, huh?

-Nah, Cal Trans will take care of it.

My mom used to work part-time for them.

So what do I call you?

-I'm sorry, my name is Bob Wolverton.

-Hi. I'm Vanessa Lutz.

-Well, it's nice to meet you, Vanessa.

Why don't you put on your safety belt and we'll get goin'.

-Okay.

-Great.

-What's this all about?

-It's a psychological manual, I use it in my work.

I'm a counselor at a school for boys with emotional trouble.

-Just boys, huh?

No girls at all?

-I'm afraid so.

So how does your family feel about

this trip of yours up to Stockton?

-I don't got no family just at the moment.

-Vanessa, everybody's got family.

-Shows how much you know.

-You want to talk about it?

-Not really.

-I'm sorry.

It's an unfortunate habit of mine,

sticking my nose in where it doesn't really belong.

-That's a bad habit.

-Well, don't rub it in, okay? It's just my work.

I see a kid who looks like they're in trouble,

and I start askin' all kinds of questions.

I guess it's just become second nature.

-It's that obvious?

-What is?

-Me being in trouble.

-Look, the offer's still open if you want it.

You know, I've always found it amazing

how much easier it is to really

share something with a perfect stranger,

stuff that you couldn't even talk to

with your best friend or your family.

-Yeah, I noticed that. That's real funny, isn't it?

-Yeah, it is.

Most of the kids I work with, I don't even have to

press them to talk about themselves.

I just let them know I'm there

and that they can talk about themselves if they want to.

-Well, I guess my biggest problem right now is

my mama's in jail.

-Vanessa, that sounds like a pretty bad situation.

-Yeah, but that's why I'm goin' to see my grandma.

-Would you mind me asking why your mother's in jail?

-It's pretty embarrassing.

-Vanessa, why would you be embarrassed

about another person's acts?

-I don't know, it's just --

I mean, I don't feel comfortable

talkin' about stuff like that, 'cause I mean, I think

it makes me look like a low-type person.

-Well, I can understand that.

You know, most of the boys I work with,

even the most troubled ones, all they really need

is just someone to listen to 'em.

-Yeah, but you probably get so sick

of hearin' them sad stories day in an day out.

-I don't.

I really love my work, I really do.

I couldn't imagine myself doing anything else.

Not ever.

-Guess I wouldn't mind talkin' to someone.

I just wouldn't know where to begin.

-Why don't you begin with your mother?

I mean, if you want to.

-My mama's a whore.

[Crying]

Thanks, mister.

I mean Bob.

-There.

-I can't believe I'm tellin' you all this stuff.

My mama's in jail.

It looks like my stepfather's next parole officer

ain't even been born yet.

-Vanessa, you really don't have anyone, do you?

That's terrible.

Oh, that's just terrible.

-My real dad was this merchant marine out of Texas,

but he got stabbed to death on one of them

container ships by this man from Pakistan before I was born.

You want to see his picture? I got it right here.

-Absolutely.

-That's my daddy.

-He looks very interesting.

-You think?

-Absolutely.

-I think so, too.

-Vanessa, your grandmother's gonna be very proud

when she finds out

what a wonderful granddaughter she's got.

But I have to be honest with you.

I think given your present situation,

maybe foster care would be the way you should go right now.

-Oh, Bob, you don't know.

You know, sometimes them places are okay,

but most of the time, them people are just in it

for the check that the state sends for your upkeep.

-I take it you've had some bad experiences.

-The last one I was in, there was this old man there

that everyone called Grandpa, and he had this disease

called Wisenheimers, I think it was,

where your brain cells run out into your pee.

-Yes, it's a form of senility.

-Your check, sir. -Thank you.

-Thanks, Bob.

That's the best fuckin' dinner I've had all month.

-I wouldn't mind stretchin' my legs for a little while

before I got behind the wheel. Do you mind?

-[Belches]

No, sure, I got all the time in the world.

-Great.

-So them foster parents, the Moraleses,

I mean, you would've thought a check from the state

would've been enough.

But no, they figured on me helpin' out with Grandpa, too.

-You actually had to provide care for this man?

-Get crucial.

This guy was pissin' his sheets nearly every night.

Just bein' near him made me want to puke my guts out.

-So what happened when you refused?

-They just started treatin' me like I was

the biggest bitch who'd ever been born.

And then this one night, just a couple weeks

after I'd been placed there, I woke up

to see Grandpa standin' over me with his cane in one hand

and his you-know-what in the other.

-My God. What happened?

-I told him to get the hell out.

-I take it he didn't.

-No, that's when he tried to slip in

under the covers with me, and I just went crazy on him.

-What do you mean you went crazy?

-I was pissed off 'cause I couldn't see my mom,

and just havin' this perv standin' over me

waggin' his thing in my face just was like the last straw.

-So what did you do?

-Well, I got up on my knees and just

slapped his dentures half out of his face,

and then I dropped down on his chest

and just started wailin' on him, beatin' him up so hard,

and swearin' so loud.

-My God.

-Yeah, so then the lights went on, and Mr. Morales

showed up in his pajamas.

-Well, thank God he was there.

-Yeah, right.

Hit me so hard, I had to have my jaw wired shut

for nearly three months.

Broke my nose, too.

That's how come it's so big.

-Vanessa.

Your nose is not big.

-It's pretty damn big.

-Was this man ever punished?

-Are you kidding?

A pillar of society like Mr. Morales?

Nah.

But my mom got out of rehab a couple days later

so I didn't have to go back or nothin'.

-You were telling me a little while ago

that your stepdad was on parole.

-Oh, yeah.

Larry's been in lots of pens, like this one

federal place up in Illinois, Marion.

It's just mostly for drug shit.

Manufacturing methamphetamines, stolen property,

nothin' real, real bad.

-Vanessa, please don't be offended

by my next question, but, uh...

did your stepfather molest you?

-Oh, my God.

You know, this lady policewoman just asked me

that very same question just a few hours ago.

-And how did that make you feel?

-Like I got Daddy's Fuckhole tattooed on my forehead.

-Maybe this is an issue you should explore.

-I never even told my fiancé about this stuff.

-Vanessa, if you keep something like this

bottled up inside, it could wreck your whole life.

-Now you're scarin' me.

-That's not my intention.

I just think you have a very good opportunity now

to get through some of the trauma and anguish

you've been suffering from for such a long time.

-I do got trauma, huh?

-Let's not kid ourselves, Vanessa.

-I've been so anguished,

I can't even remember bein' happy.

-Vanessa, you have to look this pain in the eye.

Otherwise it could rule over every aspect of your life.

Now, I think I can help you, but you're going to

have to trust me.

You're going to have to let me in.

My God, you're cold.

-Just thinkin' about my fucked-up life is all.

-Let's go.

-I'm sorry.

Here I am, blubberin' like a big old baby,

and you're just tryin' to help me.

-Vanessa, Vanessa, just take your time.

Take your time.

-I was 11 when Larry first held me.

-Where was your mother?

-Stupid halfway house.

-How did the abuse begin?

-With my mama gone, I had all these extra chores

that I had to do, like the laundry

and the groceries and things like that.

-So in effect, you became the woman of the house.

-Yeah.

Yeah, and I was so proud of myself.

And then this one night, we were just watchin' TV

after dinner like we always do,

and that's when Larry told me that one of Mama's chores

had always been to massage his you-know-what.

-Did Larry expose himself to you?

-All through the show.

-Did Larry have an erection?

-That's puttin' it mildly.

-Did he ask you to perform oral sex for him?

-At first, I mean, he just had me

hold on to his you-know-what durin' whatever

happened to be on TV.

He didn't get around to the other thing

you just mentioned for a while.

I guess he figured if he went all slow-like,

I wouldn't freak-out and get him in trouble.

But back then, I didn't even know that stuff we was doin'

was criminal.

-Vanessa, victims often blame themselves.

It's a common occurrence.

-But make no mistake about it, you are the victim.

-Really, Bob?

-Absolutely.

-I mean, I was such a baby back then, I didn't even know

why men wanted that stuff done to them in the first place.

-Vanessa, my God, you were a child.

You must have been so confused.

-You know, and when he did that thing

that you mentioned for the first time,

I swear to Christ, I thought he was

goin' to the bathroom in my mouth.

-Vanessa, do I have your absolute trust?

-I guess I trust you more than I've ever trusted

anyone in my whole life, Bob.

And I really mean that.

-Thank you.

The reason why I'm asking, there's this

powerful new psychological technique

that I'd like to try on you.

I think it could really help you.

What do you think, would you like to give it a try?

-Yeah, sure.

-Okay, it consists of a battery of questions that are

designed to trigger certain elements of your subconscious.

I've got to warn you, Vanessa, this technique,

it can be uncomfortable.

-Go for it, Bob.

I mean, if you think it's gonna help me.

-Okay.

Okay.

Let's get started. Are you ready?

-Mm-hmm.

-A few moments ago, you were telling me

that you felt like Larry had gone

to the bathroom in your mouth.

Those were your exact words. Do you remember?

Now at that exact moment, when Larry ejaculated

in your mouth, did you feel as though

somehow you were being transformed

into some kind of a human urinal?

-What kind of fucking questions are these, Bob?

-Vanessa, you have to answer with the first thing

that comes into your mind.

It's very important.

-I knew I was flesh and blood.

-I understand that.

But you have to tell me exactly how you felt.

You have to learn how to express your feelings out loud.

-I felt just like you said.

-Say it out loud, Vanessa.

-I felt like I had been

transformed into a human urinal.

[Sighs]

-That's very good, Vanessa.

Very good.

Now tell me this, and this is absolutely crucial.

Are you ready?

-Mm-hmm.

-Vanessa.

Did Larry try to fuck you?

-Oh, God.

He tried, later on.

-Vanessa.

Did you like it when Larry fucked you?

-You piece of shit!

-Vanessa, I told you this can get very uncomfortable.

-Pull on over right now!

-We're not finished yet. -Oh, yes, we are.

We are definitely finished. Now you pull on over.

-Vanessa, you can suffer irreparable damage

if you break it off like this.

-I don't give a goddamn!

-Jesus Christ!

-Piece of shit! -Son of a bitch!

-Fuckin' pervert!

[Tires squealing]

-Jesus Christ! -Where's the door handle?

You lookin' for this?

-[Grunts]

-Now you just settle down!

-I'm gonna kill you!

-I'm gonna slit your fuckin' throat right now.

Is that what you want me to fuckin' do?

-Okay, okay, I'm stoppin', okay?

-Now you get down there on the floor

and you get my fuckin' car keys

and you put them in the ignition.

-You know, you wouldn't like it if someone

was doin' that to you.

-Well, you're probably right, Vanessa, I doubt I would like it

if someone was doing this to me.

-Then stop it!

-I will stop it if you promise to behave.

-I promise I'll behave.

Are you that guy on the news?

-I'm sorry?

-Are you the guy that's been killin'

all them girls on the freeway, Bob?

-[Chuckles]

-Why are you killin' all them girls, Bob?

-'Cause I've absolutely reached my fucking limit

with people like you, Vanessa.

-What kinda people am I supposed to be?

-The alcoholics, the drug addicts,

the fathers who fuck their daughters,

the drug-addicted motherfuckin' whores with their bastard --

-Hey, I ain't no trick baby!

-Vanessa, I call them garbage people,

and I assure you, you are one of them.

-I am not. -Look at you.

You're already a master at the manipulation of men.

-I didn't run nothin' on you.

-It's so intrinsic to your fuckin' nature,

you're not even aware of it when you do it.

Stupid bitch.

[Engine revs]

[Static crackles]

-All right, they have a term

in screenwriting called the inciting incident.

And usually you want that pretty close

to the beginning of the movie.

But in this case, Matthew Bright goes almost 40 minutes

before we get the inciting incident.

You just saw it where Bob turns on her.

And they get away with delaying the incident

because Reese Witherspoon and Kiefer Sutherland

carry it with just words.

If this was a traditional movie,

the producers or the studio executives

or somebody in charge would say, "You can't just have two people

just driving in a car, eating in a diner,

walking around, talking, driving in the car again."

You cannot have 15 minutes of just pure characterization

dialogue because the movie will fall apart.

But the writing is so good, and more importantly,

the way these two actors sell it is so good

that you never lose interest in this story.

The only place it seems a little abrupt

is how quickly Vanessa says, "Stop the car and let me out."

And that's because, and we know this from the editor,

Maysie Hoy, the same woman

who did "Joy Luck Club" right before this.

It's because the MPAA kept refusing

to give "Freeway" an R rating.

It was an NC-17 all the way through the process.

They were sending it back, making cuts,

resubmitting it, making more cuts,

and they ended up making 53 cuts in a 90 minute movie.

And a lot of those cuts were dialogue.

For example, the C-word for women.

Apparently, at the time,

if you had three of those, you got an automatic NC-17.

You could have two and still get an R.

-That's so weird. -Yeah, I know, right?

But they went beyond that.

They had to cut out entire sentences

between Vanessa and Bob.

So anyway, they were demanding cuts not just for profanity

but for the quote, "tone of the movie."

And any time they start bringing up tone, you know, two things.

A -- the acting is so good that the movie is genuinely

disturbing, and B -- they can't tell you why they don't like it,

they just don't like it.

So there was more coming out of Bob's mouth

and more coming out of Vanessa's mouth before she said,

"Stop the car right now."

It got really, really bad.

But we might as well come now to the ultimate kink

on this night where we're discussing the dark side...

-The ultimate. -...of the libido.

Yes. -All right.

-Serial killing.

It's a kink all its own.

-That's what I said!

-Yeah. -John Wayne Gacy wasn't weird.

Okay, continue. -All right, you know,

you're right. Someone who needs to kill

the person they're having sex with

in order to have satisfying sex.

So a lot of what we know about this crime

comes from Ted Bundy because, and, by the way,

Matthew Bright's next movie, he did a biopic of Ted Bundy.

So he knew all about Ted Bundy.

But Ted Bundy was trying to extend his prison stay

before he got executed.

And so he was cooperating with all the psychologists

that they sent to talk to him.

And the other guy who taught law enforcement

a lot about serial killing was the Green River Killer.

And in fact, Bundy helped them catch the Green River Killer

because he felt a kinship with the Green River Killer.

And so he understood what turned that guy on.

What was the guy's name?

-Gary Ridgway? -Gary Ridgway.

He and Bundy, they came from the same place, I think, right?

-Yeah, like Washington state. -Washington state.

And people seem so nice up there in Washington state.

-That's why it's the perfect environment

for a serial killer. -Okay.

So anyway, whenever they talk on crime shows

about why serial killers kill,

they usually say, "Look, he took a lock of her hair

after he killed her, he took her necklace,

he took her ID, he wanted a trophy."

They always call it a trophy. But that's not what it is.

We know from Bundy and from Ridgway,

it's so the guy can relive the killing later and masturbate,

you know, with whatever he took.

And if the police have not discovered the body yet,

he'll even go back to where the body is and masturbate there.

So it's a kink. It's the worst kink.

It's the ultimate kink.

And Matthew Bright created a perfect version of it

in Bob Wolverton.

-You know, Kiefer Sutherland is a really good serial killer.

-He is. -Yeah.

-And I'm surprised he did this role, actually.

-Me too. -It's one of those

career ending roles.

You know, like like the guy

who played the killer in "Dirty Harry."

You know, I've had that guy on my show,

Andrew Robinson.

I had him on the show a couple of times,

and, I mean, he had a great career.

He was one of the leads in "Hellraiser."

He was Liberace in that TV movie.

-He's cool. -He ran the drama department

at USC for many years.

But he was always typed as that nasty guy

who kept coming back in the dirty Harry movie, and --

-Oliver Stone talked Kiefer into it.

-I have heard that.

I've heard this story a couple of different ways,

actually, but apparently,

the bank was not going to finance this movie

unless they had an A-list actor in the serial killer role,

and they had a list of 20 guys, and 18 of them turned it down.

They didn't want to do it.

And then John Travolta,

they were going to give it to John Travolta.

He said he would do it,

but the bank wouldn't accept him.

It was before Travolta -- -Why?

-He was not, at the time, he was --

-Oh, was it before Tarantino?

-Yeah, it was before that had become a phenomenon.

And so they were down to their last guy,

and that guy was Kiefer Sutherland.

And they thought, you know, we can't blow this.

So Oliver Stone was shooting "Nixon" at the time.

So they had this Oval Office set.

So Stone sets up a meeting with Sutherland,

and Stone sits in the president's chair

on the Oval Office set,

and he keeps telling Kiefer Sutherland,

"You don't have the balls to do this role.

That's why you're hesitating.

You're scared of this role."

And eventually it worked.

Kiefer Sutherland said, "All right, I'll show you

I can do this."

And then every day on the set, Kiefer is lamenting the fact

that he had given in to Stone,

and now he was one of the most nasty,

unredeemable jerks in the history of film.

But I'm really glad that he did it.

Because I can't imagine a better Bob,

as you will see shortly.

All right, let's get back to the movie.

Roll the movie.

Up to this point, we're staying pretty close

to the traditional little Red Riding Hood story, right?

-Oh, yeah. I mean drive by shooting, stolen cars,

breaking down the freeway, prostitution sting operations,

everything the Brothers Grimm put in the story.

-Okay, Darcy, I hear your sarcasm.

Actually, the story goes the story goes way back

before the Brothers Grimm.

We should talk about that. -Later.

-Okay. Story is at least a thousand years old.

-Does it have drive bys in it from a thousand years ago?

-Darcy, sarcasm is never attractive.

-I'm just asking. -All right.

It's the tone of the original story.

-You're right. Every child should watch it.

-All right, there you go again.

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

-What, you think it's okay to do

all sorts of bad stuff to me now?

-Well that's an open-ended discussion, Vanessa,

dealing with deep philosophical ramifications,

something you could hardly grasp.

In fact, take it from me, a professional,

Vanessa, you're an absolute fucking moron.

-You know, maybe I ain't smart like you,

and maybe I haven't finished school,

but at least I ain't a fuckin' hypocrite.

-[Chuckling]

Vanessa, please indulge me.

Tell me why I am a hypocrite.

[Chuckling]

-You act like you's all on some sort of mission,

but all you want to do is just get off in a sex-type way.

Are you gonna do sex to me now?

-Vanessa, I promise you, if we get really, really intimate,

you're gonna be way past being offended.

-What, are you gonna fuck me when I'm dead?

-[Chuckling]

-Mister, I'm a person!

I'm a human being!

-Yeah, like that drug addict fuckin' whore

of a mother of yours?

-I sure wouldn't want to meet your mom, Bob.

-[Grunts]

-[Panting]

What, you can talk about my mom but I can't talk about yours?

-We are not here to talk about me, Vanessa!

We are here to talk about you,

so get your fuckin' pants down!

-Please just let me go, Bob.

-God dammit!

Get your fuckin' pants down, you fuckin' cunt!

-What'd you call me?

-I said get your fuckin' pants down, now!

-Okay!

Okay, but, look, I got these boots and I got

all them laces and stuff,

so you're gonna have to give me a minute.

-Hurry up.

-[Grunts] -Ah!

Fuck!

Fucking bitch!

I'm gonna fuckin' kill you, Vanessa.

-You just settle down, Bob.

-Okay.

-You just settle down right now!

-Okay.

-Drop that razor out the window.

If you try anything, I'm gonna shoot you so many times!

You know, you should've just let me out of the car

when I asked you to, Bob!

You see where bad manners get ya?

You see?

-Listen Vanessa, look. I just --

-Look, I've heard all I'm gonna hear outta you.

-Ow, fuck! -So there!

-Ah, Jesus Christ!

-And that's for trickin' me into

tellin' you all them things I never even told my fiancé!

-Ah, Jesus Christ, we're gonna get into an accident!

-And that's for cuttin' off all my hair, you fucker!

-Vanessa, look, you're upset, okay?

You have every right to be.

Look, something dark and terrible came over me.

I don't know what, but I swear to you,

I wasn't gonna hurt you, you got to believe that.

-Yeah, right, I'm so sure!

-I'm serious, I just wanted to scare you.

I don't even know why.

Look, Vanessa, it's obvious to me right now

I'm a profoundly sick man.

-You know, I won't argue with you there.

Anyone who'd do sex to a dead person

is definitely sick, mister.

-You see?

You just admitted it there, I'm a sick man, you can't --

-Shut up! Shut up!

-Okay, okay, okay.

-Son of a bitch.

Vanessa?

What are you thinking right now?

-You want to hear more of my innermost fuckin' secrets?

-No. -Fuckin' asshole.

-No, I was just wondering what you were planning on doing.

-I'm gonna turn you in to the fuckin' pigs,

that's what I'm gonna do!

-You know what'll happen then, don't you?

-Yeah, you'll end up suckin' gas at San Quentin.

-Vanessa. -You just might.

-Vanessa, people like me, we don't go to the gas chamber.

-Then you'll go to the penitentiary,

where the mighty Aryan Brotherhood

will make you wish you'd never been born.

-Vanessa, the likelihood of someone like me

going to prison is absolutely nil.

-You think they're just gonna let you walk?

-It'll be like that time Mr. Morales broke your jaw.

-You think so, huh?

-Absolutely.

They won't take me for a killer, they'll let me go free.

They'll send you to some new foster home,

probably make Mr. Morales' place

look like some pleasant dream to you.

Unless, of course, you want to play it smart

for the first time in your life.

-How do I go about doin' that, Bob?

-I got some money on me.

I got an ATM card, we can go get some more.

You can go your way, I'll go mine.

I swear to God, you'll never see or hear me again.

What do you say?

-I say turn off on that exit up there!

-Jesus Christ, Vanessa, we're in the middle of nowhere.

-Well, you want to get shot a whole buncha times?!

Now do like I tell you, dumbass!

-Okay, okay, I'm turning.

-You think this is a game?

♪

-What are we gonna do, Vanessa?

Drive around for three or four hours looking for a cop?

-Keep flappin' your gums, Bob.

Who cares if no one's listenin'?

Pull up on that dirt road over there.

Now, Bob, I know there's a lot of sick guys out there

that get all hard thinkin' about messin' women up.

Hell, that's all you ever see on TV.

But when a guy goes and does that for real

like you was plannin' on doin' to me tonight --

-Vanessa, I was just trying to scare you.

-Look, you had your turn to talk!

Okay, I think it's only fair to let me get my two cents in.

-You're absolutely right. I'm sorry, please go on.

-But when a guy goes and hurts someone who never hurt them,

that makes him a criminal first and a sick guy second.

It's like being sick has to take second place

to being crooked.

And, Bob, you're crooked.

You proved that to me tonight.

-[Sobs] -Am I making any sense?

-Yes.

There's so much I want to tell you --

-Bob.

-Look, there's more to me than what you saw tonight.

-Bob!

Bob. -Please.

-The time for talk's over now.

I'm gonna ask you a question, and it's real,

real important, okay?

-What?

-Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord

and personal savior?

-Oh, my God.

Vanessa, you're really scaring me.

-Tell me now, Bob. I need to know.

Do you believe that Jesus Christ

is your Lord and personal savior?

-Yes, I do.

I swear.

-Good.

That's really good.

[Gunshot]

[Insects chirping]

[Screams]

-[Groaning]

[Gagging]

Oh, God, not like this.

[Shouting]

[Gunshots]

[Gunshot]

-Oh, God.

Dear God, that was so fuckin' bad.

But I was at a loss, so I left it up to you.

I love you with all my heart, and I hope you don't hate me

more than you already do.

Please bless Mama, Larry, and Chopper.

Amen.

[Static crackles]

-One of the all time great drive in sequences.

And that moment where she says, "Do you accept Jesus Christ

as your Lord and personal savior,"

and then pulls the trigger?

That is pretty much white trash gold.

In the pantheon of redneck heroines,

Vanessa is right up there with

Claudia Jennings in "Gator Bait."

-Oh, let's not go that far. -All right.

I can never tell when you're being sarcastic.

-No, I mean, she's amazing. She's brilliant.

-Now, I should have pointed this out earlier,

but remember the moment when she shows

Bob the picture of her father,

who died before she was born, when he was bashed in the head

on a container ship or something?

That picture she shows Bob is actually Richard Speck,

who is sometimes -- they call him a serial killer.

He was not a serial killer.

He was a mere mass murderer.

He killed eight nurses in a Chicago dormitory.

-Oh, no, that's awful. -But it was all

on the same night.

Matthew Bright never quite explained

just why he thought Vanessa's dead father

should look like Richard Speck.

So I'm open to interpretations. Darcy?

-I don't know, um, implying that she had bad genes?

-Well, but I don't know. She's the protagonist.

So the bad genes gave her the balls

to pull the trigger on Bob? Maybe.

-Or that she is, like, just has that in her,

the potential of the serial killer.

-Okay. -The evil.

-All right, anyway, I want to go I want to go back

to the Kink-A-Rama chart

and reveal kink number...

well, this would be 10, 9, 8...

This would be number seven if we're counting backwards.

-Okay. -Or number four

if we're counting forwards.

Anyway, our new kink is...

axillism.

-[Laughs] -You know this one?

-Probably. Yeah.

-Armpit sex.

-Oh. I do know this one.

But, you know, feel free to explain.

-All right, it's a French thing, and it's...

[Laughter]

Yeah, yeah.

It's the idea that you should never shave

your armpits or wear deodorant

because it's very erotic to smell armpits and lick armpits

and spend a lot of time around the armpits,

and then practice --

you know what I'm about to say?

-Bagpiping.

-Bagpiping. And why is it called bagpiping?

-[Laughs] Um, because it's like the motion

when you play bagpipes.

-Okay. Which we all know from our --

-Or Funky Chicken.

-From our childhoods playing the bagpipes.

Right. Okay.

But in this case, you're not pumping up a bag.

You're pumping up a pecker, so to speak, right?

-Are you allowed to say pecker? -Well, with your armpit.

-How else would you get friction in there?

-Well, and there's also a lateral shoulder raise.

It's like a lateral shoulder raise with dumbbells.

Right? So be careful in the gym.

An axillo-philiac could be getting turned on

by your shoulder work.

-Drink it in, baby.

-So there's two aspects to this.

Research shows that smelling your own armpit

can give you an energy boost.

And the specific pheromone that's found in armpit sweat

can improve your mood.

And this was proved by three Belgian gynecologists.

-I agree with that.

But I think you need to combine it with something else,

no matter how much you love armpits.

-Okay. -More than just the smell.

-Agreed. Like inner elbows, backs of the knee.

All the hinges in your body.

-What are you talking about now? -You could do all of them.

Axillism. I'm talking about axillism.

The latest in our enlightening tour through kinky fetishes.

-I think that one's a minority fetish.

-Well, if only one person in the world does something sexual,

is that still a fetish, or does that --

-Yeah. Definitely. And I want to meet that person.

What do you mean?

-I mean, I admire them finding a new way to have sex.

-Okay, true.

-I'm just saying. -Back to the movie.

Is that the goal? Find new ways to have sex.

-I mean, it should be.

-We're actually studying the opposite,

because if you're a fetish person,

then you're so fascinated with one way to have sex

that you don't want to plunge into the deep purple sea.

-The deep purple sea? -I just made that up.

-I thought so. -But I'm trying to describe

all the multiple sexual options,

like an aquarium full of every species of fish.

But a fetishist, you don't want all species of fish.

He just wants alligator gar. So...

-Okay, what does that mean?

-Or maybe he wants black spotted puffer fish

or something. He's just doing one thing.

-All right. I feel like we should wind this one up.

-Okay. -Okay.

-But if one person wants alligator gar

and the other person, you know,

the significant other of that person

wants black spotted puffer fish,

this is my point, then you're screwed.

-Okay. Good point. -Because they both

just want one thing.

-All right.

-Check those fetishes before taking one home.

Smell your armpit.

-Mm. Energized.

-Who's adventurous now, Darcy? Go for it.

-I don't understand alligator gar still.

-What's that? -All right, obviously, Darcy,

you have never fished in the Arkansas River.

-I have not. -Okay.

-Bottom feeders, bottom feeders.

-Okay.

-What other show in America teaches the public

about armpit sex?

We are like -- see, we're like the alligator gar

of film criticism.

-Bottom feeders. -Precisely.

We are bottom feeders.

--Where are we right now? -Indeed. I don't know.

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

[Indistinct chatter]

-I think I'll have the Double He-Man Breakfast

and a large size cherry cola.

Okay?

What?

I must look a fright.

Got a washroom?

-Dr. Barnes, 4721.

Dr. Barnes, 4721.

Dr. Kenseno to ICU.

Dr. Kenseno to ICU.

[Man coughing]

-One moment, please.

[Glass shatters]

-Please.

Call the police.

Help me.

Call my wife, please.

[Thuds]

-Freeze, police!

-Hi, Officer. What's up?

-Let's go!

-Come on. -Sir, I did nothin' wrong.

-Shut up.

-I did nothin' wrong!

-We got a gun! We got a gun.

-Big wow.

-Back inside, sir.

-God, you know half the goddamn world's got a gun.

You're gonna throw me in the back of this --

-Enough!

-Give me a goddamn break.

What?

What, you're not even goin' to speak to me, Mr. Oink Man?

[Snorting]

I bet you like snatching girls.

-Back it up.

-Mr. Wolverton.

Mr. Wolverton?

Mr. Wolverton's just learned that he's gonna have to undergo

a radical colectomy.

-That's rough.

-[Bob wailing] -Yeah?

-Jesus.

-There's a couple of detectives here

from the sheriff's department who need to speak to you.

-As soon as we finish our neurologic test.

-Mr. Wolverton?

Mr. Wolverton?

Mr. Wolverton, can you hear me?

I'm Garnet Wallace from the sheriff's department.

I know you're in a lot of pain, but can you take a moment?

I want to show you a photograph.

Tell me if this is the person that shot you.

Is this the person that shot you?

-Yes!

-You're sure? This is the person that shot you?

Okay. You'll be all right.

-Oh, God! Please!

Give me the fuckin' morphine!

Oh, please!

-Mrs. Wolverton, your husband gave a positive identification.

-What happens now?

-Well, you have to keep in mind,

this is a juvenile we're talking about.

-What?

You telling me you're just gonna let her go free?

-I didn't say we're gonna let her free.

She can be incarcerated up to the age of 25.

-For that? Look at him. 10 years?

My husband is in there with God knows how many bullets

in his head and in his back.

She deliberately shot him over and over and over again.

I want her held responsible.

-Mrs. Wolverton, I assure you that whoever did this

isn't just gonna walk away.

-What if he dies, huh?

If he dies, I think that she should be

put in the electric chair.

-Gas. -What?

-We use gas in California.

-I think you know what I mean, Detective.

I certainly hope the people that are responsible

for prosecuting this case can muster

just a little bit more sensitivity for the rights

of the victims than you appear to have.

-I didn't mean to sound uncaring.

-I want that little monster to pay for this.

For me. For my husband.

For the next person out there that she'll end up

hurting or killing if, God forbid,

she's allowed back on the streets again.

-[Sighs]

-Vanessa Lutz.

-Yes, sir?

-My name is Garnet Wallace, and this is

my partner, Mike Breer.

We're with the LA Sheriff's Department.

-You're that guy on TV, aren't you?

-Mm-hmm.

Investigating the I-5 murders.

-Well, y'all can all just take a big old fuckin' cruise,

'cause I took full-out care of that piece of shit.

-Mr. Wolverton's in critical condition, but he isn't dead.

-Oh, yeah, right. I shot him so many times.

-Aren't you concerned about being tried

as an adult for murder?

-Vanessa, the reason that we're here

is to give you an opportunity to change your story.

-Well, that would just make me a big fat liar,

now wouldn't it?

-Look, kid, cooperate, 'cause right now,

we're the best friends you've got.

-Yeah, I'm so sure.

-You don't believe we're your friends?

-I believe you're out to ruin me.

Look, I never said I wouldn't talk.

I might not happen to say what y'all want to hear.

So you want me to talk, that's fine,

but you got to let me call me fiancé right afterwards.

Okay? Okay?

-Fine.

No problem.

Now talk.

-What do you want to know?

-Did Mr. Wolverton say he was the I-5 Killer?

-He didn't say he wasn't.

-I haven't said that I'm the I-5 Killer.

-Yeah, and you haven't said that you're gonna slash me dead

with a razor, and do sex to my dead body neither.

-Mr. Wolverton said that to you?

-Yeah, right after he cut off all my hair.

And then he called me one of them garbage people.

And then I asked him if he was that I-5 killer,

and he just started smilin' all proud-like.

-You have an opportunity now to clear your conscience.

-I told the truth, and truth is eternal.

-Vanessa Lutz.

You still haven't told us why you were walking around

with a loaded pistol in the first place.

-I was gonna sell it to finance my trip.

-Yet you ended up shooting some poor slob

who had the decency to give you a ride instead.

-Yeah, except for the decency part.

-When did you decide to rob him?

Was it before or after you shot him?

-Look, that perv owed me for pain and sufferin',

so yeah, I took his money.

-Why didn't you turn him in? -I wanted to.

But he kept sayin' that it would be his word against mine,

and that he'd just get off and I would go

to foster care again.

And aside from that, I just knew that if I let him go,

he would go out and kill some other girl,

and that would've been my fault,

and I couldn't have lived with that.

Never.

No way.

-Why were you so convinced we wouldn't believe you?

-'Cause I've been in the system,

and once you've been in the system once,

ain't no one never gonna believe you again.

That's just how it goes.

-Tell us about your past legal problems.

-It's all in my file.

-I want to hear it from you.

-Okay.

All right, when I was younger, I used to have

this problem with shoplifting.

And I got caught, and the judge sent me

to this group therapy session for all these little girls

who are supposed to be klepto.

-How many times were you

arrested for shoplifting, Vanessa?

-Seven times.

-What else?

-Okay, now this is gonna sound bad,

but it's not as bad as it seems, okay?

But I learned later that I had this problem with anger.

But I don't have that problem no more.

-Just answer the question.

-Back in Texas, these cops said

that I lit this shed on fire.

-You were arrested for arson?

-Yeah, but nobody got hurt. It was no big deal.

And the judge even said I could get it expunged

from my record if I was to go to these

group therapy sessions with all them teenagers

who are supposed to be firebugs or somethin'.

But that judge got switched, so that's why it's still there.

[Sighs]

-How many times were you arrested for arson?

-Three times.

-Okay.

What else?

-Come on, Vanessa, tell us.

-Soliciting.

-Just doin' what came natural, huh?

-Hey, Mike.

-What's that supposed to mean?

-Let's get back to the questions.

-No, unh-unh.

What's that supposed to mean?

What, you think prostitution comes natural,

like bein' a nigger?

Oh, what, you don't like bein' called a nigger?

Well, I don't like being called a natural-born whore.

So there.

-Sit down. -No!

He's talkin' to me the way that fucking guy did!

-Is that why you shot him?

Or was it because you wanted what was in his wallet?

-I already told you why I shot him,

you shit-skinned motherfucker.

[Grunting]

Fine, you fucking coon!

I'll kick your black ass all over this fuckin' station!

Shithead.

-You okay, Mike?

Why'd you call him those names, Vanessa?

-'Cause he didn't say he was sorry,

and I knew it would piss him off.

Now, how 'bout that phone call?

Come on, come on, I need another quarter.

Come on!

Hey, Mrs. Wood! Is Chopper there?

[Phone thuds]

Holy shit!

Look who got beat with the ugly stick!

Is that you, Bob?

I can't believe such a teeny weeny little gun

could make such a big mess out of someone.

-Are you out of your mind?

-You are so ugly, Bob!

You know it's gonna cramp your style big-time.

You know that, huh?

Especially with little Miss Priss over there.

And hey, I heard you have one of them big poop bags

that's like attached to your body

and all your shit comes out and lands in it.

You just a big old shit bag, ain't you, Bob?

You just think of me every time you empty

that motherfuckin' thing, motherfucker!

-[Gavel banging] -Quiet, quiet!

Stay there.

-All right.

-One more word, young lady, and you're going to be gagged.

The People versus Vanessa Julia Lutz.

-Your Honor, due to the heinous nature of this crime

and the defendant's obvious lack of remorse,

the state moves that Vanessa Julia Lutz

be tried as an adult.

-Your Honor, my client is an illiterate child.

One only has to look at her to see --

-Oh, I've had my look, counselor.

And I've been listening, too.

And I'm going to direct Youth Authority

to prepare a report on the defendant's suitability

to be tried as an adult.

[Gavel bangs]

♪

♪

[Alarm buzzing]

[Door closes]

-Hello there, ladies.

Welcome to Bridgewater.

I'm Mrs. Cullins, and if you follow me,

I'll show you to your beds.

♪ Who am I, am I the type to leave you ♪

♪ Where you're standing ♪

♪ Damn right, so watch the way you're acting ♪

♪ Put you under a microscope and watch you from afar ♪

♪ Rattle up your nerves in every type of war ♪

♪ Staring out the window 'cause you're paranoid thinkin' ♪

♪ I'm gonna get ya ♪

♪ I got your mind playin' tricks on you ♪

-Venus, this is yours, number eight.

And, Vanessa,

number 12.

Hello, Rhonda.

-Hey, Mrs. Cullins.

-Say hello to Vanessa.

Vanessa, this is Rhonda.

-How you doing?

-I was hoping that you could show Vanessa

around the craft shop later.

-I can't.

See, I'm on restriction.

-Rhonda, what did you do this time?

-Mrs. Joiner said

that I was touchin' Wanda Z. all inappropriate.

[Mrs. Cullins laughs]

-Rhonda.

I swear.

[Laughing]

-So, who'd you kill?

-What makes you think I killed somebody?

-'Cause they got you wearin' one of them

orange murder suits.

Only the shooters wear them things.

-Actually, I left him for dead, but he pulled through.

-Ah.

I'm here for huffin' paint.

-They put you in here for that?

-Durin' the strip search, they found this gram of tar

in my cooch.

You like tar?

-No.

Heroin's way too gnarly for me.

-I don't get how a person could go through

their whole lives never bein' into girls.

I just...I love girls.

-You can keep 'em.

-You don't know what you're missing.

[Rap music playing]

-Chola alert.

-How many?

-Three.

But you only got to worry about one.

-Oye.

Cockerbunny.

They got you to cheat school or what?

Bitch.

I'm fuckin' talkin' to you, man.

[Vanessa screams]

-My name is Vanessa Julia Lutz!

Say it!

Cunt!

[Distant alarm blaring]

[Shouting]

-415, inmates only, module 1700.

-Say my name before I break your goddamn neck!

Bitch!

[All shouting]

-Stick it in her.

Stick it in her!

-Break it up!

-Let go of me!

-This isn't going to hurt a bit, sweetie.

And afterwards, you can have a nice little nap.

[Vanessa screaming]

We can remove those pesky restraints now.

-[Groans] Get off!

[Door thuds]

-Hi, honey.

-Grandma? -Here I am.

Hi, honey.

-Grandma?

Grandma?

-Vanessa.

-Grandma?

-Vanessa.

Vanessa.

[Footsteps approaching]

[Keys jingling]

-Vanessa Julia Lutz.

Inmate shows no remorse for her crimes.

Inmate is combative.

Refuses to accept responsibility for her actions.

Recommendations -- this inmate appears to be

a sophisticated criminal, and an extreme danger to society,

and should be required to pay the penalty for her actions

in a facility for adult criminals.

Diagnosis -- antisocial personality disorder.

Prognosis -- very poor.

Recommendations...

This individual is probably too far gone

to benefit from corrective behavior modification

of the kind offered in a setting for juveniles.

♪

♪

[Door clangs]

♪

♪

Hello, Vanessa.

Do you think you can join the rest of us now?

-If nobody gives me no more problems.

[Static crackles]

-Just when you think "Freeway" can't get any better,

turns into a women in prison movie.

-Yeah. -What have we got so far?

We got gang movie, road movie, fairy tale, courtroom drama,

portrait of a serial killer, cop procedural, women in prison.

And we're still not done with genre hopping.

And of course, that's Brittany Murphy

as the lesbian with tar in her cooch.

[Laughter]

Yet another star turn in a small role.

And that speech that Vanessa makes when

Bob comes into the courtroom, the one that starts out,

"Holy shit, look who got beat with the ugly stick.

Is that you, Bob?"

And then it goes on and on and on.

That is one of the funniest, best written takedowns.

I can listen to that over and over

and never get tired of it.

She ends it by making -- a she makes Bob one with his

colostomy bag at the end of that speech.

And then there's that scene

where Vanessa goes nutzoid on the cop,

who suggests that she's a natural born whore.

You know, that actor, Wolfgang Bodison, is that actor,

and he says he's never been able to live down

getting beaten up by the petite Reese Witherspoon in that movie.

When they did the scene, he told her,

"Just go ahead and hit me as hard as you can."

And she said, "Nope, we will not be doing that."

And she planned out and choreographed

every move in that fight.

They don't really say anything about

Reese Witherspoon's Southern accent in the movie,

but I can't help but be reminded of lots of girls

I've known who are just as fierce

when it comes to messing somebody up.

-Yeah. -You know, Southern girls.

And that's definitely a redneck female trait.

And you're a Southern girl. -Mm-hmm.

-Can you tussle? -If I need to.

-Okay, I think that's a yes.

Any place you have young women forced to live together

like that, you have got fights.

-Yes. It's facts.

-Were you a cracker bunny?

-I was not.

-I don't know what a cracker bunny is exactly,

but apparently that's what set her off.

-I think it just became a term only because of this movie.

-Really? So Matthew Bright invented

the term "cracker bunny"? -He did.

-All right.

What else have we got in the kinky fetish department?

We have...

Okay. Yeah, we got to deal with this one.

-What? -Vorare-philia.

We got to deal with this one because it's part

of the Red Riding Hood story.

-Okay, so what is that exactly?

-Swallowing someone whole

or watching someone be swallowed whole.

-How can you even do that one?

-Well, because remember the original

Red Riding Hood story, the wolf swallows the grandma

and then he swallows little Red Riding Hood.

And, you know, academics that write about this fairy tale,

they could just go wild with their study

of the little Red Riding Hood story

as the ultimate sexual predator fairy tale.

And so the swallowing whole thing is creepy sex

on many levels, and...

-So I can imagine where you're going with this.

But I think you probably shouldn't.

-No, I'm not going there. -Okay.

-On the swallowing whole trail.

-Okay. -But there are three versions

of the Little Red Riding Hood story, okay?

And they all start out the same way.

Little Red Riding Hood,

she's wearing a red cape, and her mother gives her

a basket of cake and wine to take to her grandma's house.

And on the way through the forest, she meets a wolf,

and she has a conversation with the wolf,

and she makes the naive mistake

of telling the wolf where her grandma lives.

So the first time this story was written down was in 1697.

Charles Perrault, the French guy who sort of invented

the fairy tale genre, he's telling it the way

it's been passed down through folktales.

And so the wolf takes a shortcut to grandma's house,

eats grandma, dresses up in grandma's clothes, and then

when Red Riding Hood gets there, they have that

"My what big teeth you have, Grandma" conversation.

And eventually Red Riding Hood gets eaten, also.

End of story. Grandma is gone. Little Red Riding Hood is gone.

So when the Grimm brothers come along to do their version

of the story, 150 years after that,

they decide that's too depressing.

So they add another character,

the passing Huntsman, and the passing Huntsman

somehow figures out what happened,

and he cuts open the wolf's belly,

and he releases grandma and Red Riding Hood.

-Nah. -They have not been

digested yet, I guess.

-That's a cop out. -But then there's

a third version of the story.

This version is about 900 years old.

They found a reference to this in a Nordic saga.

-In a what? -A Nordic saga.

-All right, well, what do you count as Nordic?

-The Nordic area, I guess.

I don't know, Denmark, Iceland. Somewhere up there.

-Nordic. -Yeah.

The important thing is that in that story, grandma gets eaten.

But Red Riding Hood is too smart for the wolf,

so she tricks him into letting her go.

So one dead, one alive in that version.

So but what's the story about, really?

It's about a journey from childhood into adulthood,

from innocence into cunning.

And the whole passing huntsman thing,

that seems like a ridiculous way to end the story.

You know, passing Huntsman. -Yeah, I don't like that one.

-What's great about Vanessa in this version of the story

is that she never needs male assistance.

-Yeah. -She never needs

the passing huntsman.

All her power comes from her own inner strength.

And as we're about to find out, the sisterhood.

It's women triumphing over all the oafish men.

-Hell, yeah.

-Okay, and then one other weird historical factoid

about the fairy tale. Why is she wearing red?

-Blood?

-There's an 11th century poem from Belgium

recorded by a priest that mentions this story,

and it says she's wearing a red baptism tunic,

one of those robes they put on you

after you come up out of the water.

But as far as I know, baptism tunics are white.

They have always been white.

Whether you're baptized in a baby or a 90-year-old man.

So something in the original story

is about how they did a special baptism for this girl.

And it kind of indicates it's a baptism from the other side,

the witch side, the demon side, the Satan side.

It's the color you put on a virgin

who's going to be sacrificed,

or the color you put on a harlot.

And, you know, there's so many ways,

different ways to interpret this.

But the implication is she's a bad girl.

And you know who gets that part of it?

Matthew Bright gets that part of it.

Let's continue with the system

trying to do behavior modification on Vanessa Lutz.

But she's got a red tunic,

so, people, it ain't going to work.

Roll the film.

What do you think of my baptismal tunic story?

-I don't know that I fully understand all of it.

-All right, well, I don't either, but...

Well, the idea is, first of all,

they had an infant baptism, so she's a baby.

-Okay. -But the garment is red.

So she's also a harlot. So she's a baby harlot.

-Aw. -I mean...

-Really, a baby harlot?

-Underage. Too much makeup, toddler, beauty pageants.

You know, that's what the wolf likes.

-So I think you're saying Little Red Riding Hood

is a story about pedophiles.

-Yeah.

I think it's the scary young girls

into not talking to adult males,

because only the bad girls do that.

And that's why the bad girls get devoured.

-I always kind of like the wolf in the story.

-You like the wolf? Well, see, that's a problem,

because if the little red toddler beauty pageant

harlot girl falls for the wolf, maybe she has vorare-philia.

-And then that would make it okay?

-No, no, no, no, no.

-Okay. -Statutory, Darcy.

-Sorry. Got it. I understand.

-See this line?

See this line by my boot. -Yes.

-See how close that is to my boot?

You know, that's what we're doing right now.

I move that boot one inch, and we are history.

-Got it. -Okay.

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

-We need to put an end to the system

that lets dangerous, violent thugs

be prosecuted as juveniles rather than as adults,

even when they have committed the most vicious crimes.

-Hi. This is Janice Miller of "Inside View."

We're here with Mr. Robert Wolverton

and his wife Mimi Wolverton at their home in Orange County.

Would you describe some of the hardships

you've had to endure since this ordeal began?

-My husband's been permanently disfigured.

How can he ever work with children again?

His appearance, well, it frightens them.

He's unable to have sexual relations.

-You're saying your husband is no longer capable

of achieving an erection?

-That part of our lives is over now.

What makes me so angry is how that little monster

ridiculed us during her preliminary hearing.

And the media.

How dare the media talk about how horrible her life is.

What about us?

Psychopath.

She's been locked up, 9, 10 times?

Why was she ever let back out on the streets again

in the first place?

-If the teenager who allegedly shot your husband were here,

what do you want to say to her?

-Was it worth the $300 she stole from my husband?

-Are you bitter, Mr. Wolverton?

-[Distorted voice] Well, Janice, after all

the wonderful letters

that we received from across the country --

-[Imitating Bob] My neck may not function,

but I have not lost my smile.

-No, I'm not a bitter man.

-I know there's a lot of people looking

for some real-life heroes, and I think I found a few.

-Their courage is a real inspiration.

And now, stay tuned for an unusual story

about a couple of sweltering polar bears in Texas.

[Laughter]

[Gunshots]

[Laughter]

-Holy shit.

-Okay.

[Sighs]

-Want me to go get you some party punch?

-[Sighs]

-No, I ain't thirsty.

-You're all wigged out, huh?

-I get all these bad nightmares once I get out of isolation.

[Girl coughing]

-God...

I am so happy to get out.

I mean, I can't...

I can't even sleep at all, let alone have nightmares.

-For me, it's like I get all shrunk down.

-I don't get what you mean.

-It's like I get like a cat or a dog or somethin'.

You can tell I'm just like they all are.

If I get in the hole much longer,

I'm just gonna be like this hermit,

shunning all human contact.

Scared-like.

-It's like that song says, Vanessa.

People need people.

-I ain't so sure about that, Rhonda.

-What is it that you think that you need?

-I'll tell you.

Back in the hole, I decided all I need to live

was my will.

And a knife's good, too.

You don't feel so at the mercy of events.

-Wow.

You made this?

-Yeah, my stepfather Larry showed me how.

It's pretty cool, huh?

-What are you gonna do with it?

-Get the hell out of here.

-You might have to mess up some of the staff.

-What, you really feel sorry for them people?

You think normal people just wake up one morning

and just decide they're gonna work in prison?

They're perverts, every last one of them.

Any of them fuckos get in my way,

I'm gonna make them wish they hadn't.

-Do you like that?

-I'll make out with you, but no fucking.

I'm straight.

[Rhonda laughing]

-Okay, you two.

-Your Honor, it's obvious my client is a child

and very unstable.

It says right here, "nearly illiterate,

emotionally immature, prone to impulsivity,

unpredictable --"

-Your Honor, she is charged with a gruesome crime.

-Counselor, please.

Then it goes on to say she should be tried as an adult.

-And stand trial as an adult she will.

-Thank you, Your Honor.

-Jury selection will commence on June 8th at 10:00 a.m.

[Gavel bangs]

-Are we leaving?

What are y'all lookin' at?

Fuck all y'all.

Fuck you, chipmunk face, and your fuckin' skipper wife.

[Bell rings]

-I see here that you and Vanessa

were arrested together twice in a period of two years.

-Yeah.

We needed the money.

We thought it'd be all grown-up turning tricks

on Warren Avenue right outside the Snack-N-Shop.

Except we got pinched in like five minutes.

Bitch.

-You two were engaged in acts of prostitution

in the sixth grade?

-We was only gonna jack 'em off is all.

-Did you ever see Vanessa act in an overtly hostile way

to an actual human being?

-[Laughing]

You mean like blow somebody's brains out

all over the place?

-Oh, you think that's funny? -Yeah.

[Cherry laughing]

-What about her boyfriend who passed away?

-It was pretty exclusive.

-Okay, Cherry, that'll be all for now. Thank you very much.

-I know she's blowing it over him.

-Well, what do you know?

She's a coal-burner.

-What's a coal-burner?

-It means her boyfriend's black.

-Are you surprised?

-Aren't you?

-You know, Mike, every kid we've spoken to

about this Lutz girl seems to hold her in very high regard.

-Well, Wallace, look at her friends outside.

They're the most fucked-up bunch of kids

I've ever seen in my damn life.

Still, something just doesn't --

-What?

-I got to go back to the crime scene.

-It's two-and-a-half hours away.

-Wallace!

-Go, go, go.

Get it out of your system.

[Distant siren wailing]

-Go on.

Diamonds on the back, ladies.

Diamonds on the back.

-Gonna get me some jerky.

Stay in line!

-Don't forget to wash your hands now, ladies.

-Do you think that little guard's cute?

-I guess.

Yeah, sort of punky.

-Better watch out, 'cause it's gonna get

pretty crazy in here in a second.

-You gonna cut up that cute little guard?

-If he gets in my way, I will.

-You're stupid

if you think you can get past both them two.

-What the fuck do you care what happens to me?

-I'm here on double murder, okay?

In two years, I'm gonna be 18.

I'm gonna be sent to Frontera for 20 fuckin' years,

so why the hell shouldn't I help you?

Because two heads, a lot fuckin' better than one head.

[Knocking]

-Hurry up in there, ladies.

[Knocking]

Come on now.

-All right.

Don't you fucking breathe!

-Vanessa.

-I'm dead serious.

What did I say?

-Where'd the hack go?

-He went to get a beef treat, Mesquita.

And he'll be right back.

-Shut up.

-You can't get by the both of us.

-Shut up! -Think about it.

-Shut up!

-[Gasps]

-My sister Brenda thinks you're cute.

-I do not. -You do, too.

-That's good. Where's Mrs. Cullins?

-[Murmurs]

-[Grunts]

-Who told you you could fight?

-You didn't have to kill me.

-What?

-You didn't have to kill me!

-I didn't kill you, you dirty little pervert.

Gimme your goddamn car keys before I cut your pecker off.

That won't feel very good, will it?

-He sure is bloody.

-I still think he's cute.

-[Laughs]

[Grunting]

-Move the fuckin' leg, man!

Move your fuckin' face!

-Mesquita, I'd really like to go now.

-Good night, everybody!

[Engine starts]

My homies are here, Vanessa.

-I missed you so much.

You smell the same.

What happened?

-I was playing with ketchup.

This is my little bunkie, Vanessa.

-[Speaking Spanish]

And don't you worry, Cacahuete. Everything gonna be all right.

-All right.

♪

-You look pretty.

-Thanks.

-So, you gonna think I sound all feminist and shit.

It's like the one thing that I learned in jail is that

girls got to help out other girls, you know?

Especially convict girls 'cause

if they don't, they ought to be fucking dead.

Know what I mean?

-I hear what you're sayin'.

-Okay.

-Need me to drop that off anywhere?

-No.

The owner, he won't mind.

-Badass.

-You're gonna need this, girl.

-Oh, Mesquita, you already done too much for me.

-This ain't even $20. This bomb's a total gas hog.

Don't be stupid.

-You know what I really need is a gun.

-You gonna give her my [speaks Spanish]

-I'll get you another one, pendejo.

I'll get you a cellular, too, and a beeper.

I'll get ahold of your ass.

Watch out for the pigs, Vanessa.

-Yeah, I'm sorry for busting your nose that time.

I was just real upset that day.

-Oh, that hurt.

I'm all trying to work it so I can get you

to put out with me later on.

I guess I went about it pretty dumb, huh?

-Mesquita, I'd put out for you any day of the week.

-I only do that in lockup.

[Laughs]

Come here.

[Doorbell ringing]

-Good morning, Mrs. Wolverton.

-Well, have you found her?

-No, we haven't.

-I really don't think you're in any danger.

-Oh, really?

Well, your life hasn't been ruined

by this little monster, has it?

-Is your husband here now, Mrs. Wolverton?

-No. He's at St. John's doing his physical therapy.

Now, what the hell are you doing here?

-Go over to the hospital and escort

Mr. Wolverton back here, please.

-Why?

-Mrs. Wolverton, I have a search warrant here.

-What?

-If you would just sign anywhere.

-I'm not signing anything.

-Steve, make note that Mrs. Wolverton

refused to sign the search warrant.

-I don't believe this.

-So noted.

-Okay, take care of the downstairs.

And make sure you check out the garage,

the backyard, everything thoroughly.

-What's this all about?

-Mrs. Wolverton, certain evidence has come to light,

which we are duty-bound to investigate.

-What sort of evidence?

-I would prefer to discuss it

in the presence of your husband, if you don't mind.

-There's a storage shed out back. I'm gonna take a look.

You wouldn't happen to have the key, would you?

-Fuck you.

-Didn't think so.

-Robert Wolverton.

Correct, age 32.

Yeah, forensics is on its way.

Tony found some remains.

Human, animal, who knows?

-Mrs. Wolverton, were you aware your husband

had mental problems?

-Those...

Those were...

Those were chil --

-Children?

Yes.

Just like the Lutz girl we've been dying to see

get strapped down in the gas chamber.

-[Moans] -Will you ease up on her?

-Fuck her!

-[Crying]

[Gunshot]

-Jesus.

[Static crackles]

-Two more superb performances.

I just got to mention before we move on,

and -- well, actually three,

because Brooke Shields does a great job of setting up

that blow-your-brains-out scene

as the clueless wife of the wolf,

but also Dan Hedaya plays the chief detective.

Most people know him from "Blood Simple",

where he established his lifelong reputation

as the sleaze-meister,

one of those guys who's been in a hundred movies

and you can't remember his name, but the face pegs him

as a quirky and often dangerous character actor.

And then Alanna Ubach as Mesquita,

the Hispanic tough girl who orchestrates the assassination

of the prison guards.

She would, of course, reunite with Reese Witherspoon

in "Legally Blonde".

Half Puerto Rican, half Mexican,

she was the essence of the kind of street girl

that Matthew Bright loved while he was growing up,

and in fact, I think he said in an interview,

"I love cholas,"

cholas being gang girls,

affiliates of the cholos.

Okay, let's do a quick Kink-A-Rama reveal here.

Our fetish for this break is...

formicophilia.

-Know this one?

-Sex on the kitchen counter?

-No. [Laughs]

That would be for-mica-philia.

This is for formic-o-philia.

-Oh, my bad. No idea then.

-Having bugs crawl around on your genitals.

-I've not done that one. -Okay.

Have you heard of it, though?

-I've heard of similar ones. -Similar ones? Like what?

-Like what? You know, like other animals.

Like, gerbils.

-Oh, yeah. Gerbils.

Everybody knows about gerbils. -It's a big one.

-But formicophilia is usually ants,

especially fire ants.

-Oh, my.

-You get as many of them as possible,

you dump them between your legs,

and that tickling, biting sensation

is what causes you to get off.

-Alright, whatever you're into.

-Okay. Is that sarcastic? -No, I do not judge.

-Alright. Also cockroaches -- All under the same category.

Cockroaches, bees, snails.

Anything get your attention. -Oh, no.

I think bees is only for really experienced fetishists.

-I hope so.

I mean, the whole thing sounds complicated, though.

I mean, just the creature wrangling would be a hassle,

but the scientific literature says it's because regular sex

is associated with some kind of trauma,

and so you need creatures to make the sex better.

I think I'm explaining it right.

-Eh, creatures I understand.

-Well, yeah, because... -Like, monster creatures.

-Yeah, because we have our friends in Phoenix

who have a company that makes sex toys

designed to represent monster genitals,

like, not "monster" as in large,

but, like, creatures, creature genitals, and...

-Indeed, we do.

-...and they sell millions of those,

and it makes cockroaches not so strange

once you know that people want that.

Alright, back to the stunning conclusion --

and I do mean stunning -- of "Freeway".

Matthew Bright -- he would be a great guest for this show,

but he, like, has no phone

and he lives in Third World countries all over the world,

and he was in Cambodia for a while.

Last I saw, he was in Chiapas.

Chiapas is the southernmost state in Mexico,

on the border with Guatemala.

When Oliver Stone met him,

he called him "a weird little guy, but funny."

And the producer who optioned the script, Brad Wyman,

said it was tough raising money for the movie

because Matthew Bright, quote,

"looked like he lived under a bridge,"

and so and everybody who ever works with him

ends up yelling at him

because he goes to the set and he just lets things flow.

He's not a big planner. He never gives the actors any direction.

And actors hate that, or most actors hate that.

Do you like direction? -Oh, I love direction.

-Yeah? Unless it's me giving it, right?

-I like direction from directors.

-[Laughs] Well, that's true. I'm not a director,

but I might have considered it as a profession

if you could live in Chiapas.

-What's in Chiapas?

-Jungles. Bananas.

-Bananas? -Mayan ruins.

Iguanas.

Did you ever see "Night of the Iguana"?

-Isn't that in Puerto Vallarta?

-Yeah, because they were afraid to go to Chiapas, probably.

You know? But same idea.

Cabana boys, sultry earth women.

-Let's go. -Alright.

Oh, and the simojovel hot chili pepper,

produced only in Chiapas,

believed to be hotter than the habanero.

-Ooh, dang. That sounds dangerous.

-You know how I love hot peppers, right?

I mean, I've never had a simojovel,

because it's only made in that one little place,

but they say if you bite off too much of it,

your brain will just seep right out of your ears.

-Shut up. Now we have to go. -Yeah, I know,

but we'd have to take Aeromexico or something.

I mean... -That's fine.

-Like, probably one flight a week to Chiapas.

But if that's booked -- I'll tell you what.

We'll just rent a car, cross the border,

fight our way through the banditos,

find the simojovel hot chili pepper.

-Worth it. Let's do it.

-Alright.

[Static crackles]

[Tires squealing]

-[Breathing heavily]

-Por favor.

Hey, ladies! Dónde está los chicos?

-[Singing in Spanish]

-Sex-o. Sex-o.

Yeah. Muy buena.

-[Singing in Spanish]

-Want to score, baby. Come on.

Fuck you, too.

Hey, babe.

Ooh, me so horny. -Keep going.

-Yeah, what about now?

Fuck you, too.

Back again, huh?

Wanna fuck?

-How much?

-[Singing in Spanish]

-Depends on what you're into.

-Do you suck cock?

-Sure.

I can do that.

-I just want to get sucked.

-Alright. You just find us an alley,

and I'll take care of you right where you're sitting.

-I'll pay $25.

-I can live with that.

Let's go.

♪

-You're underage, aren't you?

-What, is that a problem?

-No.

Young people gotta live, too.

-Sure got that right.

Now get 'em all down, okay?

Makes it a whole lot easier that way.

And gimme all your money!

All of it!

-God dammit!

[Gunshot]

Jesus! Okay! Hey, hey, I'm sorry, okay? Okay?

-I was aimin' at your head, mister!

-Okay, I'm sorry.

-If you get this over quick,

we'll both be a lot happier, okay?

-My money's in my briefcase in the back seat.

-Don't move it!

Just lean over and open it up where it's laying.

And keep your pants where they are, Mr. Dirty Mouth!

-O-Okay.

Okay. Okay.

-Don't swing that motherfuckin' thing at me,

or I swear to God, you're dead!

Believe me?

-Why are you doing this?

-Because I'm pissed off and the whole world owes me.

Now gimme your goddamn money!

Where's the rest of it?

-That's all I got.

-You was just gonna give me $5?!

-Please, please, please.

Just take it, okay?

Please?

-Get out of the goddamn car right now,

you little pecker snot!

Right now!

No! Unh-unh!

You get all them panties off before I get really pissed!

You think I'm kiddin'?

[Gunshots]

Now get your ass in the trunk.

[Dogs barking]

-Please. I'm claustrophobic.

-Yeah, well I get claustrophobic

suckin' strange dick.

Get in there!

-Please, please, I got to pee.

-Well pee in there, motherfucker!

I ain't kiddin'!

Now!

Dumbass.

-I'm sorry, sir, this is a no-smoking restaurant.

-You really are a dear, Flo.

-Would you care for a warm-up?

-No thank you.

I'd like to order.

-Uh, w-what would you like?

-Some chicken soup, with a fucking straw.

[Inhales deeply]

[Exhales deeply]

♪

♪

-Let me out! I'm dying in here!

-Oh, you are? Well, do it now.

-Will you slow down, for Christ's sake?

You're gonna get us killed.

There. There's the exit.

♪

♪

-Grandma!

Grandma!

Grandma!

Grandma!

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Tires squealing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Let me out. Let me out! I'm dying in here!

Hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

-Grandma, it's me!

It's me, Vanessa!

Hey, Grandma.

It's me, Vanessa!

Hi, Grandma.

Grandma, wake up.

It's time to wake up.

I'm your granddaughter.

I'm here to take care of you forever and ever and ever.

Why are you hidin'?

-[Grunts]

-Here, let me see.

-[Breathing heavily]

-Them's some big ugly fuckin' teeth you got, Bob.

-How do you like that, Vanessa?

You like how that fuckin' feels?

-What did you do with my grandma?

-Do you want to see your grandma?

What do you think of Grandma, kid?

-You fucker! You killed my grandma!

-That's not all I did to Grandma.

-Naomi.

Naomi, listen, I brought you an extension cord --

[Gunshot]

[Both grunting]

[Gunshot]

-Die, you piece of shit!

Dead!

[Gunshots]

Die, you fucker!

[Gunshots]

-Back inside!

-God! -[Grunting]

[Gunshots]

-Die, you piece of shit!

[Both grunting]

-Let's go!

[Gunshots]

-Vanessa!

-Piece of shit!

Fucking perv!

-Vanessa!

-Piece of shit!

-Vanessa!

Vanessa!

-Die!

-[Choking]

-Ah! Ah!

[Breathing heavily]

-Come on.

Oh, shit.

Get out of there.

Get out of there!

-[Sighs]

-Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

[Birds chirping]

-Y'all got a cigarette?

-[Laughs]

[Dissonant accordion music]

-[Laughing]

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[Static crackles]

-Just when you thought this movie

had already set the record for cool cameos,

the dead, abused, tied-up, and naked grandma

is played by Kitty Fox,

one of the most interesting porn actresses who ever lived.

She was a Las Vegas showgirl who opened a topless bar

with her husband, and the topless bar is still there.

It's Centerfolds Cabaret on Paradise Road,

over by the UNLV basketball arena,

and then, at the age of 48, she made her first porn film,

and she pioneered the fetish called "granny porn",

and she ended up making more than 400 movies

before her death in 2006.

And I don't know how Matthew Bright found her

and convinced her to do that scene,

but yet another brilliant flourish

in a film that's just full of them.

Anyway, as I pointed out before,

"Freeway" was not a particularly successful movie.

It was shot in just 21 days in August of 1995.

It debuted at Sundance on January the 26th, 1996,

and it was considered a flop,

but then it had a run on HBO

and it started to develop an audience and a reputation.

They would call it gutter punk cinema,

fairy tale exploitation.

They had these various words the critics invented,

and it was then released in theaters after HBO,

and it did moderate business.

Matthew Bright would make three more movies

over the next six years, and then just disappear.

There was a "Freeway II: Confessions of a Trickbaby",

which was based on "Hansel and Gretel",

with Natasha Lyonne in the Gretel role,

rocks of cocaine instead of breadcrumbs...

[Laughter]

-...Vincent Gallo as the witch. [Laughs]

It passed with little notice.

It had such a troubled set

that Bright canceled the third movie in the trilogy,

which was supposed to be based on "Three Little Pigs".

He was going to do that one, too.

And of course, Reese Witherspoon would go on

to make "Pleasantville", "Cruel Intentions",

"Election", "Legally Blonde" --

that was her breakthrough movie --

"Sweet Home Alabama" -- a huge hit --

"Walk the Line" -- Academy Award --

"Gone Girl", "Wild" --

another Oscar nomination for that one --

and then start producing her own movies

while becoming one of the most respected

actresses in Hollywood.

This movie, she does not put on her resume,

and she will rarely talk about this movie.

I take it that it was not a pleasant experience for her.

What do you think, Darcy?

-I think it's a really good thing

that she did not kill that guy that she locked in the trunk.

-I know, right? Yeah, right?

In that scene -- She was out of bullets,

but that scene where she turns Aileen Wuornos

and tries to kill the guy just because he was disgusting,

you know, at that point, she becomes a cold-blooded murderer,

and, you know, then they can't do

a happy ending for the movie.

"Anyone have a cigarette?"

That's a much better ending for the movie.

One of the things Matthew Bright said in an interview

is "I want to be the Roger Vadim of psychopaths,"

which is an interesting thing to say,

because he made that Ted Bundy movie.

Why wouldn't you want to be the Steven Spielberg

of psychopaths?

Why Roger Vadim?

-Isn't that the guy who married Brigitte Bardot

when she was underage?

-Yeah?

Well, I think that might be your answer then.

He wanted that pervy element.

-And he got that pervy element. Alright.

-Alright, well, you know, speaking of fetishes tonight...

-Who's speaking of fetishes?

-You, fucker, for the whole night.

I have a letter

that I think you're going to have some fun with.

-Really? -Yeah.

-Who's it from?

-It is from our good friend Mistress Harley.

-Really? Is this Mistress Harley's panties

poking out of the...

-Yes, sir. [Laughs]

-Oh, and what's this?

-That is part of her giant bra.

-This is a huge bra cup.

Does Mistress Harley have huge bra needs?

-Yes, she does. -Okay.

-She's very blessed.

-And inside is --

Oh, and then here's a blindfold.

There's a lot of fetish stuff.

-This is a very fetish-y --

And Valentine letter.

-it was perfect. -If this is a letter.

-There's a letter too.

-And then furry handcuffs.

-So many things we didn't cover.

-Alright. Yeah, there's so many --

I mean, like I say, there's thousands of fetishes.

So, um...

Oh, there she is. Mistress Harley.

-Yeah, there she is.

-"Dear Joe Bob and Darcy,

happy kinky Valentine's Day.

Thank you for --" Did you tell her we were --

-No. I swear. It's so perfect. She did not know, no.

-Okay. "Thank you for showing so many kinky horror movies

and inspiring generations of kinksters,

from hypnosis and financial domination

in 'The Love Witch'

to sadism, masochism, bondage, and discipline

in 'Hellraiser II'."

Have we shown a lot of fetish-y movies? I guess we have.

-I didn't think of it that way, but yeah, right?

-"Don't forget blackmail fetish in 'Head of the Family',

and 'Frankenhooker' has it all --

bimbofication, mind control,

and fem-dom and forced feminization.

What is your favorite kinky horror movie, Joe Bob?

I bet it involves breasts.

You count them in every movie.

If you need personal instruction

in any of the aforementioned fetishes,

don't hesitate to call me.

Your favorite dominatrix, Mistress Harley".

And then this is like --

You didn't tell her we were doing this show?

-I swear on everything in the world.

She sends you a valentine every year,

and this is her for this year.

And thank you, Harley.

-Okay. -You made my job easy.

-We're actually going to -- I don't want to do a spoiler,

but we're actually going to talk about a fetish

that I think she specializes in, but we haven't done it yet.

-Yes. That's what made me think of it.

-We'll talk about it later. Okay.

Speaking of "The Love Witch"...

-What? We were?

-...you know, I've been meaning to ask you about that.

What if we reenacted all the witch tortures

on Walpurgisnacht this year?

-I think that would be pretty cool.

-Alright, you be the witch... -Okay.

-...and we'll torture you at every break.

-Oh, you know I'm up for it.

-You know, it's annoying that I can't even scare you anymore.

-[Laughs]

Take me to the dungeon, boss, and watch me kick ass.

-Alright. I'm off like a prom dress on that one.

I'm going to do that.

I think we just found our theme for Walpurgisnacht.

What day is Walpurgisnacht?

-I think it's always April 30th,

but the show is on April 26th, so then.

-Okay, done. April 26th,

the night Darcy gets nailed into the torture crypt.

-Ooh, what's a torture crypt?

-I don't know, but I'm going to start reading up

on my torture devices later tonight.

-Alright. I love that enthusiasm.

-And that's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs,

with Darcy, the mail girl,

reminding you that when I ask for directions,

please don't use confusing words like "east".

[Laughter]

But the drive-in will never die.

Guy's sitting alone in an airport lounge,

and this beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him,

and he decides that because she's wearing a uniform,

she's probably a flight attendant.

So, guy leans across to her

and he says the British Airways motto,

"To Fly. To Serve.",

and the woman looks at him with a blank expression.

And so, the guy thinks for a minute,

and he leans forward again,

and he delivers the Air France motto,

"Winning the Hearts of the World",

and again, she just stares at him with a puzzled expression.

But he's undeterred. He's going to figure this out.

He's going to figure out his opening line.

So, he tries Malaysian Airlines --

"Going Beyond Expectations",

and the woman looks at him sternly and she says,

"What the fuck do you want?"

And the guy says, "Ah, Spirit Airlines."

[Laughter]

-That was cute. [Laughs]

[Static crackles]