Original subtitles

-You know, Darcy, it's hard to talk about this

when you're wearing the official Cowboy Ken costume.

I only put this on because you said you were Demon Barbie.

What's Demon Barbie about this?

-I am. I have a little red around the eyes.

-Oh, okay. So anyway, do you know

that Samhain marks the end of the harvest season,

the beginning of winter, the Celtic New Year, and death,

death, death and more death?

Because the spirits of all the dead people

in the history of the world are visiting us.

And by the way, do you know how many of those there are?

-How many what?

-How many dead people there are?

-You mean the number of all

the dead people in all of history?

-117 billion dead spirits out there...

-Oh. -...waiting for the night

when they can cross over and fuck with us.

And there are only 8 billion of us

living on the earth right now.

So the ghosts outnumber us 15 to 1.

-I love that. -And so tonight,

I appreciate that you brought a real demon

to the first movie. -Yeah.

-That was good. Actually, our second movie

has demons as well, not to mention people

going back and forth between reality and a TV screen.

So we should call this Demonic TV Screen Night.

-Yeah. -But welcome back, everybody,

to "Joe Bob's Helloween" with Darcy the Mail Girl

standing by to field your messages

and post your Halloween costume pictures

and deal with your TikToks

and your Instas and your Musk-a-Messages.

But you know what's needed to properly celebrate

the night that's halfway between the autumnal equinox

and the winter solstice, when the druids

would open the ancient burial mounds

and create portals for the dead to visit the earth?

Do you know what modern ceremony

corresponds to that sacred Halloween moment?

-Costume contest and Halloween song dance party.

-No, Darcy, not costume contest

and Halloween song dance party.

Who would even think of that? That's not what I was thinking.

-That is what we should be doing.

The whole crew in costumes, everybody dancing, and that's --

-No. -Very Halloween.

-I'm talking about poppers, Darcy.

-Poppers? -Poppers.

-Like amyl nitrate kind of poppers?

I mean, yeah, we can do that.

-No, not amyl ni-- Y-You mean a sex drug?

-I don't know. -No. Darcy, it's Halloween.

We're not doing orgies. -I mean, we should be.

-We do that on Walpurgisnacht.

-Yeah, we do. -Alright, listen to me.

When the druids open the burial mounds,

the dead people pop up out of the ground

and join the living, and the ritualistic implement

used to commemorate the moment

when they pop up out of the ground is called a popper.

-I've never heard this before.

-It's a spring launch jumping toy that,

thanks to American ingenuity, allows us to understand

better the traditions of our Gaelic ancestors.

Voila. Poppers.

-Oh, my God. -Yeah.

-You mean the little plastic dudes from the drug store?

Oh, my God. Me and my sisters used to play with these

for, like, hours, yes. -Exactly.

Because even though the druid priests

knew that the dead could join the living on Samhain,

they were never certain that the roaming spirits

would choose to appear,

And they certainly didn't know when they would appear.

And so it was always a frightening moment

when the dead visitor would rocket up into the air.

-Oh, it's a jump scare. -Yeah, literally.

So you know how to play this game?

-Oh, yeah. I know everything about this game.

-Alright, So should we go

with the traditional ghost versus pumpkin?

-Well, I always thought it was ghost versus bat,

but sure, go ahead.

-Do you want ghost or pumpkin?

-Pumpkin. -Alright.

-Thank you. Alright, you ready? -Wait a minute.

No, Let me get the ghost. Alright?

-Okay. -Alright.

So we're gonna set the triggers on three.

-Okay. -Alright. One, two, three.

And while we're waiting on the results of this.

-Whoo! -Whoa, look at that.

I'll set these other poppers here because, Darcy,

we're gonna see just how much delirious

Halloween fun we can. -[Laughs]

[Shouts] -Along with the cultural lesson

about what happens to dead bodies in the cemetery,

of course. Okay. -Okay.

And ghost wins, as you saw. -Pumpkin wins.

-No. Did you see how high the ghost popped?

-But pumpkin went off first.

-No, it's not when one goes off first,

it's when -- when one -- it's the one that stays

unlaunched the longest that counts as the, uh --

-No, it's not. Whoever goes off first wins.

-No, no. That's only if you catch it.

You have to catch it. -You don't have to catch it.

You can't catch these guys.

-Okay, Darcy, I don't know what weird, modern,

ahistorical Samhain rites were introduced into the wilds

of South Carolina where you grew up,

but the popper that goes last is the proper popper.

-You obviously do not know how to play ghost versus pumpkin,

which should be ghost versus bat.

-Darcy, I researched this.

I've been through all the ancient texts,

preserved by the Irish monks... -Whoo!

-...when the Vikings were raping the village women, and um...

-I'm sorry, what does that have to do with anything?

-Well, the Vikings, they were pillagers.

They would have destroyed the proper procedures,

were it not for the Irish clergy

preserving them in their proper form.

-Okay. I don't know where you went,

but just come on back to Earth with us. Poppers.

-Alright. Yeah, well, you're right. Maybe pumpkin won.

I think -- -Pumpkin won!

-Alright. [Crew cheering]

-Stick around, Darcy, though.

We're gonna do every Halloween tradition tonight.

-Including the costume contest and Halloween song dance party.

-Alright, including costume contest

and Halloween song dance party. -Yay!

-You know, I'm looking at this eyeball popper.

What is this? I never saw this before.

-That's some Art the Clown type shit.

-Oh, yeah. Okay.

And thanks for reminding me. Alright.

-Yes, Yes. [Laughs] -You go --

go ahead and do the poppers. I'm gonna introduce the movie

"All Hallows Eve" is tonight's movie,

and it's our concluding Halloween movie.

And it's the sensitive story of a babysitter

on Halloween night who has to deal with a mysterious videotape

that a kid brings home from trick or treating.

Unfortunately, it turns out to be

a Damien Leone anthology film,

and as we all know, Damien Leone can't make any film

without putting Art the Clown in it.

And Art the Clown specializes in murdering

and dismembering innocent people,

including children, while honking a bicycle horn,

grinning, dancing, and wielding a hacksaw.

Sure, we've seen it before,

but have we seen it with an alien invasion subplot,

a satanic death cult, and a dismemberment laboratory?

I think not.

So let's look at those "Drive-In" totals

and get started. We have...

"Drive-In" Academy Award nominations for...

Katie Maguire as the babysitter

who says, "Some pervert could have put that in your bag."

Sydney Freihofer is the girl who says, "It can't be worse

than the stuff we see on the Internet every day."

Kayla Lian as Casey,

the screaming, kidnapped girl in chains who sobs,

"Why is he keeping us here?

Why doesn't he just kill us already?"

Mike Giannelli as Art the Clown with the burning eyes

who can crawl up out of the earth when he needs to.

And Damien Leone, for taking the old babysitter

on Halloween story and making it a lot grosser.

Four stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

You got a whole army of poppers waiting to go off, Darcy.

-[Laughs] I wish.

-You know what you said about American ingenuity?

-[Laughs] I don't. -Actually, I said it, right?

-One of us was talking about that.

-I noticed that these were made in China.

But that makes sense because

there's a big Samhain culture over in China.

-Not really. I don't think they really do Samhain.

-Yeah, they do. They do. -No.

But hopping vampires, they've got those.

-Same thing. This stuff is universal.

-It's not really -- -Samhain, hopping vampires.

-No. -Ghost versus pumpkin

is the classic matchup, though.

-Whatever. Let's do eyeball versus Frankenstein head.

-Oh, they have that? -Yeah. Look.

-Wow. Okay. Hell yes. -Yeah.

-Alright, you do the head. -1, 2, 3. Ready?

-I'll do the eyeball.

-Ooh! Oh.

I guess -- -Frankenstein wins.

It's whoever goes last. -By my rules -- by my rules.

-The rules -- -Frankenstein wins.

By the classic rules. -How arbitrary. [Laughs]

-Frankenstein wins. You just said the first popper wins.

-It changes depending on which one you're using,

is how I understand it.

-No!

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Dissonant music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Thunder rumbling]

[Wind howling]

[Thunder crashing]

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

-Alright, kitty cats.

You ready to carve the pumpkins or what?

-Hey, I was watching that.

-Sorry.

-He wasn't watching that.

You weren't watching that.

-Yes, I was.

-All right then, what was it?

-A monster movie.

-Fine, I'll put it back on.

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

Hey, Miss Witch, why don't you give those fingers a rest

and go wash your face. -I will.

What time are my parents coming home?

-Uh, I don't know. 1:00? Hopefully sooner.

-I get to stay up till 1:00?

-No, bedtime's at 11:00.

And stop eating all that candy.

You're gonna be up until tomorrow morning.

Very cute.

Your parents owe me for this one.

-You could slap him if you want.

I won't tell. -Oh, really?

I'll keep that in mind.

-What time is it?

-Oh, it's 10:50.

-All right, seriously, pumpkin carving in 10 minutes.

I wanna get this over with.

-Yeah, come on, Timmy. Get the hell up.

-I'm not done counting my candy, loser.

-Can we just bury him in the backyard

and tell my parents we lost him trick-or-treating?

♪♪

Hey, look what I got.

[Ominous music plays]

-What is that?

-It's a videotape. -Where did you get that?

-Fell out of my bag.

-Let me see it.

♪♪

-Who gave this to you? -I don't know.

-You don't remember who put it in your bag?

-No. -That's creepy.

♪♪

-What's it say?

-It doesn't say anything.

-Let's watch it. -Oh, absolutely not.

-Why? -Why?

Because God knows what's on this, that's why.

-Only one way to find out.

-Timmy, you're not watching it. -Yes, I am.

-Timmy, stop being such an asshole.

-Hey! I said no.

-It's my tape. I can do what I want with it.

-Yeah, well, I'm in charge of you,

and you have to listen to me.

Let your parents watch it.

If they say it's okay, you'll watch it tomorrow.

-No, I wanna watch it now.

-No, you're not watching it.

-Fine. Let's put it to a vote.

I vote we watch it right now.

Tia?

-Put it to a vote?

What is this? The town hall?

-I vote we watch it, too.

-Little traitor. Now you're on his side?

-What? I just wanna see what's on the tape.

-Two against one.

We win, put it on.

Do you understand this is creepy?

Some pervert could have put it in your bag.

Who knows what's on this?

-It's probably just a scary movie.

If it's that bad, you can turn it off.

We won't tell our parents.

-It can't be worse than the stuff

we see on the Internet every day.

-Jesus Christ, you're 10 years old.

What do you watch on the Internet?

You know what? I don't wanna know.

-Please.

We won't make you carve the pumpkin.

♪♪

-Fine, but you have to go in the other room.

-Yes! -I need to see

what's on it first.

You, too.

-Ugh, this is retarded.

♪♪

♪♪

-Well, what is it?

-Well, give me a second!

♪♪

[Static]

-Anything?

-I don't see anything.

Looks like you got hosed, Timmy.

-Oh, wait a minute.

-What is it?

[Dramatic music plays]

-Uh, I don't know.

[Metal clanking]

♪♪

[Clanking continues]

♪♪

[Electricity buzzing]

♪♪

-This is stupid. Come on.

-Um, excuse me.

Who said the two of you can come back in here?

♪♪

[Woman screaming in distance]

♪♪

-[Screams]

[Train passing]

-See? It's just a scary movie.

Let's watch it.

♪♪

-Wait for the gate agent

to give your boarding announcement.

Check your monitors.

Thank you kindly.

♪♪

-Fine, but if it gets out of control, I'm turning it off.

-Yeah, yeah.

[Buzzer, indistinct announcements over PA]

[Girl laughing]

-Oh, my God, that's great.

Um, girl,

do you know what time the train comes?

-Uh, it should be about 10 minutes or so.

-[Chuckles] Uh, do you have a cigarette?

-No, sorry.

-Yeah, thanks.

Well, happy Halloween.

Come on, let's go. I need a fucking cigarette.

Come on.

-[Laughs]

-Passengers, southbound train is delayed.

Please stand by for further information.

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

[Rustling]

♪♪

[Honks]

[Honking]

-Please stop.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Silent]

♪♪

[Screams]

♪♪

What are you doing?! Let me go!

Help! Help!

[Screaming] No!

♪♪

No!

♪♪

[Breathing heavily] Help! Help! Help! Help! Help!

[Hyperventilating]

♪♪

[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

[Distorted music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

-[Hyperventilating]

Help!

Some help, would you please?

Come on!

Somebody answer me!

[Whimpering]

Please! Look!

♪♪

[Footsteps approaching]

Who's there?

♪♪

Where am I?

What's happening?

♪♪

Would someone talk to me?

-Please stop screaming.

-What's happening to us? -This is where he keeps us.

There were three of us.

There was another girl.

-What happened to her?

-She was dragged down into that tunnel.

They're pulling us down by our chains one at a time.

♪♪

-Why are you two just sitting there?

Why aren't you trying to escape?

-We've tried everything. There's no way out.

♪♪

-[Retching]

[Sobbing]

♪♪

[Coughs]

♪♪

Why is he keeping us here?

Why doesn't he just kill us already?

♪♪

Why are you doing this?

Let us go!

Please!

[Indistinct station announcements]

♪♪

[Chains rattling]

♪♪

-Don't cry.

♪♪

-We're gonna die down here.

-Don't say that.

We're gonna get out of here.

♪♪

-I don't want to die. -Shut up!

Just shut up!

-Kristen! -I can't take it anymore.

I can't -- I can't keep listening to this.

She's just scared. Okay?

Help her realize -- -I'm sorry.

-We can't fall apart on each other now.

We're all we've got.

♪♪

What's your name?

-Casey.

-I'm Sarah.

That's Kristen.

♪♪

-There has to be a way out of here.

-I told you, there isn't.

-Then we have to go down into that tunnel.

-What? -We can't just stay here.

-Going into that tunnel is suicide.

-Oh, and staying here isn't?

-What do you know?!

You didn't see what happened to that girl. We did.

We watched her getting dragged down into that tunnel,

and she was screaming for her life,

and we were trying to hold on to her,

but he just -- he pulled her right out of our hands.

We're not strong enough.

-There's three of us now.

If we go together, we might have a chance.

-We don't even know how many of them are down there.

-What do you suppose we do?

-The only thing we can do is just wait here and hope

that somebody finds us.

-She's right, Kristen.

There's no other way.

-No, Sarah.

Please. You know I'm right.

-Don't listen to her.

She's dead already.

-Don't go!

-I'm sorry.

There's no other choice.

-Don't leave me here alone!

He's gonna kill you.

-Kristen, we have to.

We can't just wait here to see who's gonna be --

[All screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Growling]

-[Screaming]

Oh, God! Oh!

-Oh, my God. -Listen to me!

Kristen, we have to go now.

You hear me? We have to go down there.

-I -- I can't, I'm so scared.

-I know you are, and so am I, but right now

I'm thinking about my family.

I'm gonna get out of here and I'm gonna see them again,

and everything's gonna be like it was before.

I know you feel the same,

but we're never gonna see them again

if we don't try to get out of here.

I can't stay here anymore, Kristen.

I can't wait here to die.

♪♪

I just can't. We're gonna make it.

Do you understand me?

We're gonna be all right.

Just stay close, and...

be quiet.

♪♪

[Static]

-How long are you supposed to wait before you --

Oh, okay. How long are you supposed to wait

before it becomes a faulty popper?

-Oh, they can, like -- they can take, like,

ten minutes to go off. -Oh, dang.

-Yeah. -Well, you have just witnessed

the first appearance and the first scene

of Art The Clown... -Yay!

-...who would go on to international fame

in the "Terrifier" films.

The first sequence on the mysterious videotape

is actually a short film made by Damien Leone in 2006.

Now you'll see it reported as 2008, 2009

because they didn't want you to know how old it was,

because this movie didn't come out until 2013.

But it was a short film called "The Ninth Circle,"

and it's a different Art the Clown.

It was Damien Leone's good friend,

Mike Giannelli, who was one of the few people

who would agree to have that makeup applied every day.

The original idea was a woman is on a bus alone,

and at the next to the last stop,

a guy in a clown costume gets on the bus,

and he's creepy and annoying.

And so they couldn't get permission to shoot

on an actual bus, and they ended up

using the old abandoned Seaview Hospital

on Staten Island.

Seaview Hospital was the biggest tuberculosis hospital

on the East Coast, built in 1905,

and then it closed down in the '50s,

but they left all the buildings.

And any kid who grew up on Staten Island has spent

at least one night poking around in those buildings.

And the ghost legend that came out of Seaview Hospital

is the Cropsey legend. -Oh.

-And this kind of is the Cropsey legend,

because Cropsey would kidnap children

and take them into the underground tunnel system

of Seaview Hospital and do horrible things to them.

"Madman," which we've had on this show,

is based on the Cropsey legend. -Yeah.

-So is "The Burning."

And the difference here is you can't really look

at Art the Clown without thinking of John Wayne Gacy.

Right? -Mm-hmm.

-Anyway, I'll talk more about Damien Leone

as the movie goes on.

And he claims, by the way, that the way he got the name

"Damien" is that his mother was a fan of "The Omen."

But right now, we're gonna do

what the children in the movie didn't get to do --

we're gonna paint a pumpkin to look like Art the Clown.

So go for that, Darcy.

-I'm working on it. -Oh, good work.

Okay, already on it.

-But we're still doing the costume contest, right?

-I don't think Shudder crews bring costumes

just because they're doing the Halloween show.

-Oh, man. I am -- I'm sure we can figure something out.

Don't we have, like, a prop room or something?

-A props room, ha!

Ooh, have you confused us with a real TV show, Darcy?

[Laughter] -We need costumes.

-Alright. By the way, tell me again why --

why am I cowboy Ken?

-Because I'm Demon Barbie, duh. -Alright.

Isn't Ken the evil guy in the "Barbie" movie?

-I mean, he's not evil.

He just represents the patriarchy.

-Okay. -Perfect for you.

-You know, I-I don't really know what people mean

when they say the patriarchy.

-Why don't you just go read one of your own books?

[Laughter] -Oh, really?

Act 2, Darcy. Alright.

-You know, Damien Leone gets called a misogynist

for having all these female victims in his movies,

so he's considered part of the patriarchy.

-He only has three female victims so far.

-And the movie's 18 minutes old and has a baby sitter,

so do the math.

-Alright, let's get back to the movie.

Roll it. -Yeah.

-There's actually a sub-sub-genre of horror

called Staten Island horror,

and all the movies are based on Cropsey.

They have one legend on Staten Island,

and they stick to that legend. [Laughter]

-When were you in Staten Island?

-I've been to Staten Island many times.

-Yeah? -It's where all

the New York City cops and firefighters live.

And it's New Yorkers who go on vacation in New Jersey.

That's how hardcore they are.

-Why does that make them hardcore?

-Well, you know, they support the patriarchy there.

You know, that's like their -- -Okay.

You know, if you took a vote, the patriarchy would win

by a sizable margin over the feminist Barbie.

And also, when did Barbie become a feminist?

Weren't the feminists always criticizing Barbie

and complaining for like a hundred years

that she was a bad influence on young girls,

gave them a bad body image?

You know, there was this big feminist thing about Barbie.

When did that change?

-I mean, I think the movie changed all that.

-Really? -Yeah.

-So now it's okay to aspire to be Barbie?

-It's complicated.

-Darcy, Barbie is not complicated.

-It's complicated. -Well...

You make a mean Demon Barbie, I'll say that.

-Why, thank you.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

[Ominous music plays]

[CHAINS CLANKING]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-This is where it ends. -[Whimpers]

-Alright, stay here.

♪♪

[Clanking]

♪♪

-[Grunting] -Oh, God! Look, look, look!

Use it on the chains.

♪♪

I think it's big enough.

[CHAIN CLANKING]

-Come on. [Grunting] I think it's working.

♪♪

-[Growls] -[Screams]

-[Screams]

[Both screaming]

[Both whimpering]

-[Growls]

[Both screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming continues]

♪♪

-[Screaming]

♪♪

[Squelching, chains clanking]

♪♪

-[Growls]

♪♪

-[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screams]

♪♪

[Whimpering]

[Screams]

♪♪

[Whimpering]

♪♪

♪♪

[Whimpering] Hey!

Help me, help me please.

There's something down there.

We have to get out of here.

Come on!

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

-[Screams]

-[Screaming]

[Screaming continues]

♪♪

[Whimpering]

[Liquid bubbling]

♪♪

-[Hissing]

♪♪

No!

♪♪

[Liquid bubbling]

♪♪

[Whimpering]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Whimpering]

♪♪

-Please. Please.

♪♪

Stop!

Please!

♪♪

Please, please stop!

♪♪

Please stop.

♪♪

Stop.

Don't hurt my baby!

-[Whimpering]

-[Screams]

[Both women screaming]

♪♪

-[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Whimpering]

♪♪

♪♪

[Evil laughter]

[Whimpering]

♪♪

[Screams]

♪♪

[Crying]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Honking]

♪♪

-That was sick!

-Okay, that is enough for tonight.

-Hey, what're you doing?

-I'm turning it off.

It's too violent for the two of you.

-No, it's not. We've seen way worse.

-Then you should be punished.

You're too young to be watching a baby cut out

of someone's stomach.

Come on, let's go. It's bedtime.

-Bedtime? -Yes, bedtime.

Tia, go wash your face.

And I want the both of you to brush your teeth.

-Man, it was just getting good.

-Aw. -I know.

I liked the clown. -Yeah, he was great.

I liked when he honked his horn at the lady.

-[Laughs] That was so funny.

-Yeah, that was hysterical.

I'm gonna be up to check on you guys in 10 minutes.

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

[Rustling]

[Cellphone vibrating]

-Hey, what's up? -Hey, just calling to make sure

you're not dead.

-[Chuckles] What is that supposed to mean?

-Babysitting on Halloween night --

that's just asking for trouble.

-Yeah, tell me about it. It's already been quite

an eventful evening.

-Why? What happened?

-Some creep slipped a videotape into Timmy's candy bag

while we were trick or treating.

-A videotape?

-Yeah, like a 1982 VHS.

-That's very twisted.

-Yeah, well, you should see what's on it.

-Oh, God! What did you subject those kids to?

I don't know, it's this... fucked up short film

with a clown and the devil raping this woman.

-Sounds like my kinda movie.

-No, seriously, what kind of sick bastard

puts that in a kid's candy bag?

-Probably some loser who still lives in his parents' garage.

- Probably.

-Don't sweat it. Those kids have seen way worse.

-Yeah, that's what Timmy and Tia said.

[Water running] -Move away.

-I have to spit. -I was here first.

Get out! -[Muffled] You better move.

-No! -That's it.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

-Timmy, don't even! -Okay.

-[Spits] -Timmy!

-Hold on a minute, Dee.

What's going on up there?

-Sarah, Timmy spit in my hair!

-It was an accident!

-Cut it out or I'm calling your parents.

-...reconsidering having children at this point.

-Couldn't you think of anything better to do tonight?

How did Barbara ever talk you into this?

-She never asks me for anything.

What was I supposed to say, no?

-You're a good friend.

-Yes, I am.

Speak-- [Thud]

Speaking of good friends, join me for a drink after this?

-Yeah, I can totally do that.

-Alright, perfect. I need one.

I'll text you when I'm leaving? -Cool.

Oh, Sarah -- -Yeah?

Don't get killed. -Funny.

-Bye. -Bye.

[Thud]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps]

[Kids giggling]

Little shit!

♪♪

[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

[Vehicle passing]

♪♪

[Metal clanking]

-All right, let's go.

-Is my tape in there?

-No. -Where is it?

-Downstairs.

-Can I have it, please? -[Chuckles] No.

I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this.

My parents are just gonna give it to me in the morning.

-Alright then, the faster you get your little butt to bed,

the faster you'll get your tape.

-You suck, Sarah.

Goodnight.

[Door closes]

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Hinges creaking]

♪♪

[Knock at door] -[Gasps]

-Lights out, kiddo.

♪♪

Alright. Under the covers.

- Are you gonna tell my parents that Timmy spit in my hair?

-Well, it depends. Is he gonna get in trouble?

-Yeah. -Then absolutely.

-[Chuckles] Cool.

-Did you have a good Halloween? -Yeah.

-Did you get enough candy?

-I guess so.

-You guess so?

Look at that bag. It looks like you were trying

to find the golden ticket.

[Both chuckle]

-Do you think that clown was real?

-See?

Ugh, I knew this was gonna come back to bite me.

No, it's just make-believe.

Demons, witches, monsters, that -- that doesn't exist.

-But he wasn't really a monster, if you think about it,

like a vampire or a werewolf.

He was just a man in a costume.

Someone like that could really exist, right?

Like a serial killer, I mean.

-What do you know about serial killers?

See, you watch so much stuff on that computer,

it's gonna rot your brain.

[Chuckles] I sound like my grandmother.

Listen to me, the clown's only on the video, right?

So if you don't watch it, he can't hurt you.

And even if he could, I wouldn't let him.

-You swear? -I cross my heart.

-Okay.

-Time to go to bed.

-Wait, Sarah. -Do you want me to leave it on?

Alright, sweetie.

If you need me, I'll be downstairs.

-Okay. -Okay.

Sweet dreams.

-Goodnight. -Goodnight, sweetie.

♪♪

Sleep tight.

[Door closes]

♪♪

[Static]

-Yeah, Little Tia obviously

made that John Wayne Gacy connection, didn't she?

Alright. I-I missed my bolo.

I had to put my bolo on, even though it's Cowboy Ken.

Plus, you know, patriarchy.

Okay, Darcy, let's talk about the Celts.

-Do we have to?

-The Celts chose the humble apple

as their symbolic fruit on Samhain,

which was also known as the Feast of Apples.

And apples were known as the fruit of the gods.

So tonight, we're bringing back bobbing for apples

as a venerated Halloween tradition.

So here, I wanna bind your wrists so that you can't cheat.

-Is that really necessary? -No.

Just keep your hands behind your back, okay?

Are you ready? -Yeah.

-You go first.

-Okay. We're gonna go on three.

-Alright. -One, two, three.

-Okay. -You know, bobbing for apples

can take hours sometimes,

because in order to get the --

-Mmh!

-Oh, okay. [Cheers and applause]

Well.

-[Muffled] Yeah! -Nailed it.

-Really? That means you'll give birth this year.

-What? I don't wanna give birth this year.

-Oh, well, it's not up to you,

because that was a fertility ritual.

And so you are -- you are fertile now.

-Oh, I am not gonna get pregnant, baby.

-Alright, well, we'll see, won't we?

That's why a lot of women went for nuts instead of apples,

because you can substitute nuts. We didn't really do that right.

You need -- See, you need lots of virgins

to all be bobbing for the same apple.

They're trying to get a husband,

get married, and get pregnant all at the same time.

-Yeah, I've been there, done that.

-Alright. And speaking of childbirth,

what did you think of all the demons

getting the blood from the fetus and feeding it to Satan?

-Oh, my God. Awesome.

If this was Damien Leone's first movie,

you can already see how talented he is.

-'Cause he does things like that.

You know, it was his first movie,

and in fact, as a short film,

it's kind of what made Art the Clown famous

on YouTube, because the first two

Art the Clown movies got circulated a lot on YouTube.

And then a producer asked Damien Leone

if he could use one of them in an anthology film,

and Damien Leone talked him into letting him

do "All Hallow's Eve" all by himself.

So it's interesting, though,

that he uses the Catholic name for Halloween.

He should have used the druid name,

Allhallowtide, where they honor the God of Death.

And in fact, I think the name of the God of Death is Samhain.

-You know, it's pronounced "sow-win," right?

-Yes. But I refuse to say "Sow-win."

-Why? -Because it annoys you.

So back to the movie.

-I mean, I'm fine with it.

-It's Halloween. We have to do annoying things.

-True. -People, you know --

People concentrate on the treat too much.

They forget about the trick.

-I think we should sing the "Halloween III" song

at the party that you promised we're gonna have.

-That would be too annoying, Darcy.

-It's Halloween.

-Yeah, the Silver Shamrock song?

-Exactly.

-No, that song is annoying. The idea is annoying.

Everything about that is annoying.

-Great. So we have to do it. Whoo!

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

[Dramatic music plays]

-Does anyone up there know why we're being attacked?

-Whatever it is, it isn't just happening here.

It's some kind of mass murder. It's going on everywhere.

The radio said to stay inside. -Radio?

-The radio upstairs. I heard a news bulletin.

-There's a radio upstairs

and you boarded us in down here?

-I know what I'm doing.

-What did it say? -Nothing. Nothing.

They don't know anything yet.

But there's mass murder everywhere, and --

and people are supposed to look for a safe place to hide.

-Take the boards off that door.

-We are staying down here, Helen.

-Harry, that radio is at least some kind of communication.

If the authorities know what's happening,

well, they'll send people for us.

So they'll tell us what to do.

How are we gonna know what's going on if we lock

Ourselves in this dungeon?

♪♪

[Crickets chirping]

[Door creaks]

♪♪

-Timmy?

What do you want?

Can I sleep in here with you tonight?

-Are you serious?

Why?

The clown scared you, didn't he?

I thought he was "so funny."

Fine.

[Door closes]

-Don't hog all the blankets, all right?

-It's my bed. I'll hog them if I want.

-First eyewitness accounts of this grizzly development

came from people who were understandably frightened,

almost incoherent.

Officials and newsmen at first discounted --

[Static]

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

-You know what we saw on our property this afternoon?

-What? -A deer.

-Get out of here! -I'm not kidding.

It was only ten feet away and it was really beautiful.

-Oh, that's so cute!

-I know, isn't it?

-That is a sign.

Deer symbolize peace

and the beginning of new adventure.

I think things are really gonna work out great for you guys.

-God, I hope so.

You know, the hardest part

is just gonna be adjusting to this new lifestyle.

It's just estrange not hearing an ambulance

or a bus every two minutes.

I'm standing by my window, you know what I hear

outside right now? Listen...

You hear that? -No, what is it?

-It's nothing.

It's absolutely nothing. -[Chuckles]

-You could hear a pin drop, that's how quiet it is here.

You know what 8:00 in the city sounds like?

-Like stress? -Exactly.

And at least here, I can just clear my head,

and John can focus on his work.

-How is John, by the way? -He's good.

He has his first exhibition coming up in a couple of weeks,

So I'm just hoping that it goes really well.

-That's really great, Caroline

I'm gonna have to get my hands on one of his paintings

before he gets too famous.

-Ugh, I wish you'd buy his latest painting

so I can get it the hell out of this house.

Thing gives me the creeps.

-What is it?

It's a face.

Just a horrible face. Honestly, I just --

I can't even be in the same room as this thing.

I put a sheet over it.

-I didn't know John painted things like that.

-He doesn't.

According to him, he doesn't even remember painting it.

-He doesn't remember painting it?

-No, he swears he was in some sort of trance or something.

And...

all he remembers is waking up from this terrible nightmare...

with this image in his head.

And the next morning, there's this painting

in the living room.

-That's really strange.

-Yeah, well, you know how artists are.

I've been with John for 6 years and I still can't figure out

how his mind works.

The owner of the gallery thinks that it's gonna be

one of his best sellers.

-Well, I hope everything works out for you guys.

I'm really looking forward to seeing the house.

-Yeah, you know, when we get settled here,

maybe you and Bob could come up for a weekend.

-Sounds like a plan! -Okay, Mary,

I'll talk to you later. -Bye.

-Alright, bye.

♪♪

♪♪

[Crickets chirping]

[Clanking]

[Game tone playing]

♪♪

[Electricity crackling]

[Dissonant music plays]

♪♪

[Rumbling]

♪♪

Ugh! [Glass shatters]

♪♪

Shit.

♪♪

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Fuck!

♪♪

♪♪

Come on.

♪♪

[Cellphone beeping]

-We're sorry, your call cannot be completed as dialed.

-Oh, fuck!

♪♪

[Rattling]

[Soft hissing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Creaking]

Fuck this.

♪♪

♪♪

[Sighs] Okay.

[Keys jangling]

[Engine sputtering]

Are you kidding me?

You gotta be fucking kidding me. Come on.

Start!

Fucking car, start! Fuck!

[Panting]

Are you fucking kidding me?!

[Panting]

Oh, my God.

It's okay.

It's just a meteor, right?

It's just a meteor.

It's just like the one in Russia.

It's fine.

It's totally fine.

The electricity goes out, nothing works.

You're gonna be fine. It's okay.

Calm down. Calm down.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

-Wow, Darcy. Looks exactly like Art the Clown.

-[Laughs] I did my best.

-We are now officially in the part that drags in the middle.

This second short film is the only one that was made

especially for "All Hallows Eve."

The other two were preexisting Art the Clown movies,

and this one has gotten a lot of criticism on the web,

but I love it.

I love the goofy direction that we're about to go in.

And I love the fact that he creates so much tension

just with noises and lights and stuff.

Damien Leone is one of the few special effects artists

turned directors.

I mean, famous guys like Tom Savini

have gotten directing jobs later in life,

but Damien Leone,

he went to a "Chiller Theater" convention in New Jersey

when he was 11 years old just to meet Tom Savini

and buy some stage blood and one of those machetes

with the half circle cut out of it so he could go home

and start making gore movies with a camcorder.

And then he became one of those guys who he starts

with the effects scene that he wants to see,

and then he works backwards to figure out the story,

and it totally works. He knows what he's doing.

And he should get credit for these sequences

that are not based on special effects.

He knows how to create atmosphere as well.

So what else can we do, Darcy?

You know, I'm trying to make you happy.

-Thank you.

-You know, I'm trying to hit on

every single Halloween tradition.

We haven't sacrificed a virgin yet.

-Still time. [Laughter]

-You even realize Halloween --

Halloween is a wicked, wicked holiday.

A very dark holiday. -Yeah.

-Alright. And yet it's directed at children.

-Oh, man, those little monsters need to learn early.

-Alright.

Pope Gregory III, he's the one who created

All Saints Day on November 1st as a way to kind of turn

Halloween away from the death theme.

-And he totally failed. -He did.

One thing you would like, in the ancient times,

Samhain lasted three full days and nights,

and that whole time, you had a bonfire.

And in fact, we don't really do the bonfire thing anymore.

Let's do a bonfire at the next break.

-Yeah. -Because --

-No, no, not in my studio. -Aww.

-This is a trailer park, Austin.

Jeez. I mean, we could go outside,

burn up one of the old "Walking Dead" sets.

That'd be fun. -Nope.

-So I guess we won't be burning any agricultural products

or cattle in the bonfire this year, but --

-Austin. -Yeah?

-What would it take to dress the crew in costumes

and have John Brennan play the "Halloween III" song?

-Hmm...

What about a royalty-free sound alike?

-I will take that, sir. -Okay.

-Cool. -Alright. I'd rather dance

in the bonfire, to tell you the truth.

But back to the movie. -Do you though?

-You know, there's another Halloween ritual that

we don't do anymore called the Dumb Supper.

Have you heard of that? The way it works is you open

all the doors and windows in your house

and you put out a big meal

and you invite all your ancestral spirits,

all the dead people to come eat that food.

And then after a while, you go in yourself

and you dine with them and you have conversations

with your dead grandparents or Elvis

or whoever you invited to your dinner party.

So while you're eating the food

and then then the spirits leave and you go, "Phew,

thank God they're gone. Nobody got hurt."

You know, like -- like, who would you invite

to your dead person party, Darcy?

-It's not like a relative or something?

-No, no, no. No relatives.

Who would you invite as a dead person?

-Harry Anderson.

-Harry Anderson. -Yeah. Or Vincent Price.

-Well, I mean Vincent Price, I totally get.

But you mean the actor on "Night Court?"

-Ugh? -The Harry Anderson?

You want -- You want -- [Laughs]

You want Harry Anderson as your dead person Halloween dinner?

-He's so much more than the dude from "Night Court."

I just -- I thought he was super cool,

and I'm really sad I never got to meet him.

I loved his magic and his, like, con artistry.

-He was a magician, right? -Yeah.

-But you love the fact that he --

he had street smarts. -Harry the Hat, baby, yeah.

-That he would fleece people on the streets

back when he had no money.

And he was a -- he was a hustler.

-I admire that. [Laughter]

-You know, I occasionally see guys playing three-card monte

in the streets to this day.

You know, I think that game has been going on

for like 700 years now, and there are still

people out there who don't know how it works.

So what would be really great is if Harry Anderson

came to your death dinner

and he made all the food disappear

and then he stole everybody's money.

-That would be amazing. Yes. -[Laughs]

Oh, man. Millions of people, if asked what dead person

they could share a meal, would of course say Harry Anderson.

-I agree. -Not a strange answer at all.

-He was really, really cool.

-And he can do card tricks.

Every Samhain dinner needs card tricks.

Agreed.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

[Door slams shut]

-[Sobbing] What the fuck is that?

♪♪

[Rustling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Cellphone ringing] [Gasps]

God damn it.

John!

-Hey, there you are. -Where are you?

-I'm headed back now. I tried calling the house,

but I couldn't get through. Is everything okay?

-No! Something landed by the house.

-What do you mean "something landed?"

-Something landed by the house.

I don't know, just a few minutes ago.

It was just so loud,

I thought it was gonna crash into the kitchen.

-Was it a plane? -I don't know.

I thought it was a plane or -- or a helicopter,

but it was glowing. -Glowing?

You mean you can actually see it from the house?

-Yes! It was only a hundred feet away from the house.

-Did you call the police? -I couldn't.

My phone wasn't working until you called me.

-Call them, and whatever you do, stay in the house.

-[Sobbing] Okay, I will.

♪♪

John, I'm really, really scared.

I think there's somebody in the house.

-Okay, calm down. There's no one in the house.

You're just getting spooked. Listen, you'll be fine.

Call the police and then call me right back.

-I don't want you to go. -You have to call them.

You'll feel 100 times better knowing they're on their way.

-No, no. What if I get off the phone

and then I can't get in touch with you again?

-Then I'll call the police.

Worst case scenario, just get in the car

and drive it to town.

You can stay at the Red Lion until the power comes back on.

-I can't. The car's dead.

-What do you mean the car's dead?

-I told you, nothing's working, John.

There's something really strange going on around here.

[John's voice cutting out] John?

John, are you there?

God damn it!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Rustling]

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

[Screams]

♪♪

-[Hissing]

-[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screams]

[Metal clanking]

[Screaming]

[Metal clanking]

♪♪

[Screams, whimpers]

[Knife clattering]

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming continues]

♪♪

[Screaming continues]

♪♪

[Whimpering]

[Door slams shut]

[Sobbing hysterically]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Whimpering]

♪♪

[Sobbing]

♪♪

[Cellphone beeping]

-We're sorry, your call cannot be...

♪♪

♪♪

[Whimpering]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Hissing]

♪♪

[Click]

♪♪

[Stuttering tone plays]

♪♪

[Alarm blaring]

-[Gasps]

♪♪

[Caroline screaming]

[Tone stops]

[Screaming continues]

[Screaming stops]

[Stairs creaking]

[Crying]

[Thudding]

[Screaming]

[Tank hissing]

♪♪

[Alien screaming]

♪♪

[Tank hissing]

♪♪

[Crickets chirping]

[Alien warbling]

[Clattering]

[Tank hissing]

[Clattering]

[Cellphone ringing]

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

[Ringing stops]

-John! -Caroline, what's wrong?

-[Whimpering incoherently] -Caroline!

Caroline, listen to me! -It's at the door.

Help me, please! -Caroline, hang on, hang on!

-[Screaming]

-Caroline!

[Caroline screaming]

-Caroline, can you hear me?

The police are coming.

-[Screaming] -Caroline!

♪♪

-Caroline! -No! John!

Help me, John.

[Sobbing]

[Screaming]

John! No!

No! John, help me!

John, help! [Screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

Help! Help me, please, John!

Somebody help me!

♪♪

[Dissonant music playing]

♪♪

-Who makes this shit?

Why am I watching it?

Where are they?

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

Tia, Timmy, I told the both of you to go to bed.

Don't pretend like you're sleeping.

I told you to go to bed.

-We are in bed.

-Oh, really?

So it must have been someone else's

little mischievous feet running up the stairs.

What are you doing in here?

-She had a nightmare.

-I didn't have a nightmare.

I heard a noise.

-You heard a noise?

What kind of noise?

-I don't know.

-You can't describe the noise?

Well, where did it come from?

-My closet.

-Your closet?

You always hear noises coming from your closet?

-Yeah, she does. This happens all the time.

-Shut up, Timmy. It was real.

There was someone in there.

-Maybe it's the clown.

-Timmy, stop it!

-Shh, listen!

I think I just heard his horn.

-Stop it.

-He's gonna drug you and take you to the witches.

-Timmy, knock it off.

Tia, listen to me, we've talked about this before.

There's nothing in your closet, not a clown, not anyone.

Now, your parents are gonna be home any minute.

I want both of you to go to bed.

-Maybe we could if you'd stop checking in on us

every five minutes.

-What are you talking about?

-I heard you creeping around outside the door

and turning the handle.

-Just go to bed.

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Metal clinking]

Hello?

♪♪

"Hello." Right, Sarah. [Laughs]

You've been watching too many scary movies.

[Static]

-[Laughs] You're good.

Wow.

♪♪

-Yeah, that was Catherine Callahan

playing Caroline --

Long Island native, New York City actress,

does a lot of TV.

And while we're identifying people, that's Katie Maguire

as Sarah the babysitter. Also grew up on Long Island,

New York City actress, does a lot of theater.

Katie Maguire is in all the "Terrifier" movies.

I find her to be very believable.

It's easy to overact that babysitter role,

and she keeps it under control.

So, uh -- So, Darcy, candy corn?

-Well, no, thank you.

-Uh, yeah, I'm not a fan of candy corn either, but...

-Oh, no, I love candy corn.

I just can't eat it anymore. -Why?

-Vegan. -Candy corn is not --

Candy corn is vegan? It's not vegan.

-No. It's not vegan. That's the problem.

-Oh, wow. -If somebody has vegan candy.

-Alright. How about a, um, Day of the Dead sugar skull

lollipop ring?

-Um... -You want one of those?

-No, I'm good. -I can't tempt you? A Dum Dum?

-I'm good. -Spooky spider?

Witch's brew Kit Kat? I'm trying to give you

every single Halloween experience in one night.

-Just put it all into a plastic pumpkin.

I'll take it back to my kid.

-Oh, okay. -Thank you.

-Alright. Art the Clown -- would you say

Art the Clown is the opposite of Pennywise?

Would you agree with me on that?

-Maybe not the opposite, but very different.

-Yeah, because Art the Clown is black and white,

and Pennywise is colorful.

And Art the Clown never speaks, and Pennywise does speak.

And Art the Clown is always happy,

especially when he's killing somebody or cutting somebody up.

And the makeup is just --

I don't know what it is exactly about that Art the Clown makeup,

but it just instantly sells that character as evil.

And I think partly it's because Art looks like a mime.

I guess he is a mime, isn't he?

He is a mime. -Oh, yeah.

-'Cause he never speaks. And so everyone hates mimes.

So if you hate clowns and you hate mimes,

Art is the monster of your dreams.

Okay, we're getting to the part of the movie

that launched the whole "Terrifier" franchise.

So let's behold the wonder --

Art the Clown at his scariest and clowniest.

-[Laughs] Yeah. -The two always go together.

Um, roll the flick.

Didn't clowns come from France? Isn't it a French thing?

It feels like a French thing, -I think Italy.

-Italy? -I think.

-Are you sure? -I'd say yes.

-Well, the Italians have a have a better sense of humor

than the French, but "pierrot" and "harlequin" --

aren't those the two original clowns?

-Yeah. And those are Italian.

-Really? -Yeah.

-"Pierrot" doesn't sound Italian.

-Well, he is. -Sounds French.

-Whoo! -Do you know a lot of clowns?

-[Laughs] Oh, yeah.

-We have some candy clown-oodles.

You want some of those? -Uh, I don't eat clown.

-Oh, okay. [Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

-[Sighs]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Ugh, this is ridiculous.

How can I convince a little girl not to be scared

when I can't even convince myself.

[Click, TV turns on]

[Static]

[Piano music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Happy Halloween ♪

♪ Happy Halloween ♪

♪ Happy Halloween ♪

♪ Happy Halloween ♪

♪ Happy Halloween ♪

♪♪

[Wolf howls, thunder crashes]

-[Speaking indistinctly] You're listening to WORW 970.

It's one minute past the witching hour.

Halloween is officially here.

Lock your doors, bolt your windows,

and make sure the little ones are nestled safely

in their beds.

This Levi T. Miller. Stick with me after the break

and I'll be joined by... -Perfect.

[Horn honking]

[Engine turns off]

Hello?

Anybody there?

Need some gas.

[Thudding] -[Gasps]

-Get the fuck out of here, man!

[Distorted music playing]

Are you out of your fucking mind?

Seriously, you think it's funny? Think you can just piss all over

the place and smear your shit on the walls?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I'm giving you 10 seconds or I'm gonna call the cops.

♪♪

♪♪

Hey!

I mean it.

♪♪

[Rustling]

[Dissonant music plays]

♪♪

So, what can I get you? -Um, filled up.

Regular. Cash.

So that guy really just did that to your bathroom?

-Uh, not my bathroom.

And I don't care if they fire me,

I'm not picking up someone else's shit.

-Why didn't you just call the cops?

-[Chuckles] What's the point? He's already gone.

I'm just gonna have to fill out paperwork.

Supposed to be off in an hour.

-Yeah, but what if he comes back?

-Uh, I've got enough blunt objects I can bludgeon him with.

He's lucky I didn't fucking break his legs.

God, you really were low, huh?

-Yeah, good thing I saw your sign when I did.

I'm actually kind of lost.

-Oh. Well, where are you headed?

-Um, New York.

I'm just trying to get back to the interstate.

-Um, you got a pen and paper?

I can give you directions. It's not far.

-Oh, yeah. Sure. [Chuckles]

[Car dinging]

-Where are you coming from?

-Um, Albrightsville.

I was up on a movie shoot there.

-Oh, you're in the movies?

-Trying to be, you know. Independents, mostly.

Couple of commercials.

-Is there anything I would have seen you in?

-Oh, I'm not an actress.

I'm a costume designer.

-Oh, I've never met a costume designer before.

-Well, now you have.

-All right. Uh...

What you wanna do is get back onto the 94.

-Mm-hm. -You're gonna go about 6 miles.

You're gonna see a bridge -- [Thud]

-What was that?

-Uh, hang on a second.

I'll be right back.

[Tense music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Door opening]

-Hey, sir?

Hello?

[Sawing]

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Retches]

[Car dings, engine starts]

♪♪

[Tires squealing]

♪♪

♪♪

Come on, you piece of shit!

-Emergency. What is the problem?

-Yes. Please.

You have to help me. There's been a murder.

Please hurry. [Static]

-What's your location? -There's been a murder!

The old gas station over on 94.

Send help!

♪♪

[Static]

There's --

♪♪

That's impossible.

That's fucking impossible!

♪♪

Please!

The killer's out here! He's following me.

♪♪

Hello?

Hello?! [Call drops]

♪♪

No, no, no. Please, God.

[Horn blaring]

Oh, shit!

[Tires squealing]

♪♪

[Sobbing]

♪♪

[Sniffles]

[Crying]

This can't be real.

This can't be real.

[Screaming]

[Dramatic music plays]

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Carnival music playing] This can't be happening!

♪♪

♪♪

[Dramatic music plays]

Yes. Oh, my God.

♪♪

[Tapping on window] Hello?

Please, you gotta help me.

Hello!

[Handle clicks]

-[Groaning] -[Screaming]

♪♪

-[Rasping]

♪♪

-[Screaming]

-[Choking]

♪♪

[Tires squealing]

♪♪

Please, God! Help me!

♪♪

Please pick up. Please. [Line ringing]

♪♪

-Hello? -Nick!

Please, call the police!

Somebody is trying to kill me.

My phone's gonna die any second.

I'm on Route 94, heading home.

Baby, I'm so scared.

♪♪

Nick?

Nick!

Fuck!

♪♪

[Tires squealing]

[Gasping]

♪♪

[Tires screeching]

♪♪

[Gasping]

♪♪

[Tires squeal]

♪♪

Ugh.

[Panting]

[Footsteps approaching]

[Footsteps approaching]

[Rattling]

[Thudding]

[Footsteps receding]

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

-Was she listening to the "Halloween III" song

on her car radio?

-I think so. It sounded like it.

-It was some kind of Happy Halloween song.

-Which we will all be singing as soon as the movie's over, right?

-Alright, Darcy, the crew is not going to go

along with that, I don't think.

-Oh, I've been making the rounds. Austin?

-Yeah, we're about ready for that.

-Ha ha ha. -Oh, my God.

Okay, but no "Silver Shamrock." We're not doing that, alright?

-♪ Two more weeks to Halloween, Halloween, Halloween ♪

♪ Two more weeks to Halloween ♪ -My world is spinning out

of control. This is ridiculous.

-Yeah, it is. -Okay.

The actress in the segment that we're watching,

which was originally a short film called "Terrifier,"

the first film ever called "Terrifier," is Marie Maser,

and this is pretty much her only credit.

She was a one-shot wonder,

and I think she does a remarkable job.

And here we are, finally, with a fully realized

Art the Clown stalking sequence of the kind

he would become world famous for.

But a big question, Darcy --

I know you were at the huge premiere of "Terrifier 2"

last year at Fantastic Fest in Austin, right?

-Huge. -And "Terrifier 2"

has made millions of dollars.

So at this point, is Art the Clown

now the equal of Jason and Michael Myers?

-Oh, no, not equal yet. He's still like a baby icon,

but I know he's going to get there eventually.

And they're already shooting "Terrifier 3."

-Really? Baby icon. -Baby icon.

-That is a great way to put it. -He's growing.

-Alright. Something tells me that the costume designer

is going to need more than that big barn door

to keep Art the Clown away from her.

So let's get back to the double conclusion to "All Hallows Eve."

Roll it.

I honestly don't know why this movie

doesn't get more love from the hardcore fans,

including the hardcore Art the Clown fans.

You know, they always say they hate the alien sequence,

the one in the middle.

And then there are those who say,

"Why does Art the Clown only pick on women?"

But that's like saying, why does Jason only pick on campers?

Or why does Michael Myers only kill people in Haddonfield?

You know, it's based on whatever the original brain disease

the serial killer has, right?

And Art the Clown obviously had some bad experiences

with women, right, Darcy?

-I mean, it doesn't bother me one way or the other,

but he does kill men, too.

-Yeah, but I think he does like carving up women

a little bit more than men.

And we have -- actually we have lots of American serial killers,

you know, that back up that particular

psychological profile. -Yes, we do.

-There's almost never an equal opportunity sadistic killer.

You know, they always concentrate on one demographic.

-Demographic?

-Well, yeah -- I mean, yeah, demographic.

I mean, if you look at the Facebook profiles

of the victims, you would get a sense

of the killer's inner demographic

of who he wants to kill.

-Why do we want that?

-Well, Amazon would want that, you know,

to sell things to serial killers.

So sell them implements or something.

-I feel like Art kills with every kind of implement.

-True. And it makes Art a master of his trade,

and it makes it difficult for Amazon to target him.

So he's going to get chainsaw pop-ups

and he's going to get handgun pop-ups, you know,

because he's one of the more versatile

crazed serial killers. -Yeah, he is.

-But on a baby level.

-Agreed.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

[Crickets chirping]

[Creaking]

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Screaming]

♪♪

[Grunting]

♪♪

Come on!

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Sobbing]

♪♪

Ah!

[Crying]

[Vehicle approaching]

Stop.

Stop!

Please! Help me!

Help me!

-Hey, are-- are you okay?

Have you been in an accident? -Just drive!

Get out of here.

[Bleeping]

[Sobbing] There's somebody after me.

-Who's after you?

-Some man.

He's in a clown costume.

He's trying to kill me.

-[Laughs]

This isn't some sort of Halloween prank, is it?

I suppose not.

How bad are you hurt?

-[Crying]

I don't know.

T-There's a police station a few miles up ahead.

Just hang in there, okay?

Everything's gonna be fine.

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

[Horn honking]

-Oh, God! -What?

-That's him! -What's wrong?

-What? [Honking continues]

-Get out of here! Hurry! -What's wrong? Why?

♪♪

[Gun cocks]

[Gunshot]

-[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

[Tires squealing]

[Screaming]

[Crash]

[Tense music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

[Flies buzzing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasping]

♪♪

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

[Crying]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

-[Sighs]

♪♪

[Telephone ringing]

♪♪

-Hello? -No! Please!

You have to help me. There's been a murder.

Please hurry. -Who is this?

-There's been a murder!

The old gas station over on 94.

Send help! -Dee?

-[Crying] -This isn't funny.

Who is this? -Please!

The killer's out here, he's following me.

-Who's following you?

-Some man.

He's in a clown costume.

He's trying to kill me.

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

[Distorted speaking]

♪♪

[Woman screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

[Dissonant music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Glass squeaking]

♪♪

♪♪

[Thud] [Gasps]

-[Laughing]

[Remote clicking]

[Thudding on screen]

[Gasps]

♪♪

[Gasps]

♪♪

[Sobbing]

♪♪

[Honks]

♪♪

♪♪

Fuck!

♪♪

[Sobbing]

[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

[Tia screaming]

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

♪♪

[Panting]

[Dissonant music playing]

♪♪

[Sobbing]

♪♪

[Sobbing] Oh, no.

♪♪

♪♪

No.

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

No!

-Do you think that clown was real?

♪♪

Someone like that could really exist, right?

♪♪

-[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

[Static]

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

-So no happy endings in Art the Clown films.

Damien Leone has done something very interesting --

he's done a new twist on the old check on the children

urban myth, because in the classic version,

the babysitter keeps getting these creepy phone calls

saying she should check on the children.

And so she keeps going upstairs to check on the children.

And then halfway through the story,

she realizes the caller is phoning from inside the house.

And in this case, Art truly is inside the house,

but he gets there...

well, I'm not sure exactly how he gets from the tape

to the TV screen

to Sarah's couch to the upstairs bedroom.

But anyway, he makes it clear

that she should have checked on the children.

And by the way, that rope that Art uses

to beat on the costume designer,

it's actually the accumulated hair of all Art's victims,

braided together with the weapons

that he used to kill each one braided into the rope.

And I'm only mentioning that because the people who said

"Why are all Art's victims female?"

should -- should know the answer --

so he -- so he can weaponize their hair,

long hair, among other things. -Hm.

-Art is one weird dude, and we love that, right, Darcy?

-Yeah, we do.

As I said, I think he's a baby icon

and that he's going to be a teenage icon soon.

But I think we have time for one letter

before our Halloween dance party.

-Oh, God. Okay.

-Yeah. Or maybe I should say

our "Halloween III" dance party. -No, you promised

not to do that, so please don't.

-Here you go.

It is a letter from Adam Davis of Lexington, Tennessee.

-Okay. "Dear Joe Bob" --

Oh, wow. Long letter.

"The season five finale was awesome.

I watched it with an old friend I hadn't seen in a while

who also happens to be a mutant. We had a great time.

It was my first time watching 'Day of the Dead,'

and it immediately became one of my favorite movies.

All the Tom Savini gore was cool,

but it was sad that your guts got ripped out at the end.

I hate when the line between fiction and reality

gets blurred like that." -What?

-Anyway -- I don't know. -[Laughs] Okay.

"If you didn't read it on the envelope,

my name is Adam Davis and I'm from Lexington, Tennessee.

I just finished my bachelor's degree

and I'm spending some time at home this summer

while I work on getting into med school.

I became inspired to pursue medicine

after watching 'Re-Animator...'" -Ooh.

-"...on your 2018 marathon,

so I wanted to thank you for introducing me

to my role model, Herbert West." -Alright.

-Wow. Somebody needs to watch this guy.

Aren't all the doctors in "Re-Animator" stark raving mad?

You know, seriously, though. Okay, so seriously, though.

-Aww. -"The Last Drive-In

means a lot to me, and this letter is an attempt to express

that I don't have much of a story to tell,

but I can say that your show has changed

the way I watch movies, and movies influenced

the way I see the world,

even though you're -- even though you're only

cheap horror hosts..."

-[Laughs] Thank you.

-"I think there's something really special

about 'The Last Drive-in.'

It isn't just the information about the movies

or the Drive-In Totals that inspire my love for the show,

though those things are awesome. I can't fully explain it,

but there's something deeply comforting

in the way you talk about horror.

To me, the show conveys an attitude of acceptance

and ultimate peace with the world" --

Peace with the world?

"And the other people in it." -Go with it.

-"Horror movies make me feel better,

able to accept and affirm all of life,

including the nasty parts,

and 'The Last Drive-In' seems to embody that aspect of horror."

I assume the nasty parts.

"I really love the speech at the end of 'Nightbreed'

and this year's July 4th message.

The zero tolerance rant before "Hello, Mary Lou" ripped,

and so did the intro to "House of the Devil"

when you talked about hell. But there's too many good rants..."

See how much he likes the rants? "...to mention all of them.

And this letter is already getting pretty long-winded."

Yes, it is. "So I'll stop.

I also appreciate how you make occasional references

to Christianity without any of the Bible-thumping

Baptist preacher bullshit."

Darcy. [Laughs] Darcy.

Alright, here's your part, Darcy.

-Hi. -"Darcy, if you're reading this,

I wanna mention that your presence adds a lot

to the show." -Aww, thank you.

-"The banter with Joe Bob is always fun,

and you have some... interesting..."

like "dot, dot, dot, interesting"

"...opinions about horror movies."

-That means amazing opinions.

-"I have to admit, I don't really care

for 'Ice Cream Man.'" -[Gasps]

-"...But 'Halloween III' is sick.

Though I'm not very active" -- -That's why I got this letter.

-What?

-That's why you're reading this letter.

"Halloween III" is sick.

-"Well, I'm not very active on social media.

I think it's real" -- He means sick in a good way.

-Thank you. "I'm not very active

on social media. I think it's really cool

how you helped to create a sense of community

among the mutants.

Whenever I'm watching the show live, I always check

your Twitter several times to see what y'all are saying."

-Aww. -"Well, thanks for reading

all this." Oh boy. "If you did in fact, read it."

Yeah, I read it. "And thanks for another great season.

I like the variety in the movie selections this time around.

'The Babadook' and 'The Mothers' was an insane pairing.

An animation night was a cool idea.

At some point, I'd love to make it

to one of those conventions to meet y'all in person

and get my 'Frankenhooker' Blu-ray signed or something.

Until then, stay sick and disgusting.

Sincerely, Adam Davis, Lexington, Tennessee.

P.S. In a couple of weeks,

they're showing "Christine" and "Friday the 13th"

at the Stardust Drive-In in Watertown, Tennessee,

proof that the drive-in will never die."

This is an exceptionally nice letter for a Halloween letter,

because normally the Halloween letter comes from somebody

with borderline personality disorder.

-I thought it summed up a lot of last season

and a lot of people felt that way.

-Now... -Yes.

-For what we're about to do here...

-Yes. -Do I need a helmet for this?

-Yes, you do. Hit it, John!

[Laughter]

[Cheers] -That's not John Brennan.

That's Art the Clown's cousin,

Fart the Clown.

[Laughter]

[Farting]

♪♪

-♪ Everyone loves Halloween, Halloween, Halloween ♪

♪ Everyone loves Halloween ♪

-♪ Have a popper ♪

[Farting and music continues]

♪♪

♪ Everyone loves skeletons ♪

♪ Rotting bones, broken bits ♪

♪ Ghouls, they come and celebrate ♪

♪ It's our time now ♪

♪ Everyone loves Halloween, Halloween, Halloween ♪

♪ Everyone loves Halloween ♪

♪ Put your mask on ♪

No, thank you.

♪♪

-♪ Art the Clown is watching us ♪

♪ Slicing us, dicing us ♪

♪ Art the Clown is slinging blood, but we love him ♪

-♪ Everyone loves Halloween, Halloween, Halloween ♪

♪ Everyone loves Halloween, even Joe Bob ♪

♪♪

-May I venture a verse? -♪ Yay ♪

-Okay.

♪ Darcy loves a bad movie, "Halloween III" ♪

♪ It's responsible for this crappy sing-song ♪

-♪ Everyone loves Halloween, Halloween, Halloween ♪

-♪ Everyone loves Halloween, let's scare Austin ♪

♪♪

-May I venture a verse? -♪ Yay ♪

-♪ Joe Bob loves to heckle me ♪

♪ He dislikes number three ♪

♪ But Tom Atkins said to me ♪

♪ He can't suck it ♪

-♪ Everyone loves Halloween, Halloween, Halloween ♪

-♪ Everyone loves Halloweeeeeen ♪

[Fart]

-[Muffled] ♪ At "The Last Drive-in" ♪

♪♪

[Closing theme plays]

-♪ We are drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ Drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ We are not like other people ♪

♪ We are sick ♪ -♪ Sick ♪

-♪ We are disgusting ♪ -♪ Disgusting ♪

-♪ We believe in, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ If life had a vomit meter ♪

♪ We'd be off the scale ♪ -♪ Off the scale ♪

-♪ As long as one drive-in remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like jungle animals ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪