Original subtitles

[Insect buzzes]

[Chirping]

-They came over the mountains

and poured into the Lehigh Valley

from the four corners of America.

Mutants, the lot of them, all gathered

together in the summer heat under one banner --

the Jamboree.

-But what really had fans pumped was

Joe Bob's Drive-In Jamboree.

Just a day before, the theater supporters

kicked off a Save the Mahoning Campaign

and pledged to fight the energy company's push for this land.

-Just got the word that the Mahoning property

has been optioned.

They have to demolish that beautiful screen

and put solar panel farms all over this property.

-But the mutants held strong,

knowing full well that the drive-in will never die.

-Drive-ins rule.

But not like other people.

-They came by the hundreds with their pets,

their kids, and their finest black T-shirts.

Joe Bob's Drive-In Jamboree was officially in full swing.

The music played on while the hot dogs

did their eternal dance.

The living, the dead, the undead, old friends and new.

For so many, it was a genuine family reunion.

And at the center of it all, there was Joe Bob and Darcy,

the Duke and Duchess of the drive-in.

Lines to see them stretched on.

So many made the mutant pilgrimage

that Darcy started to lose her voice.

And Joe Bob's snakeskin boots hissed on back.

[Thunder rumbles]

And then, the sky itself opened up

and dropped its payload on the mutants below.

-The rain ruined everything,

and I'm proceeding to get drunk in my soup.

-The drive-in will never die and the rain won't stop us.

-Amen. -Yes.

-And, so, the faithful gathered together across the soggy ground

in front of a strange tent that blossomed overnight.

It looked like one of them big tent revivals.

And in truth, that's exactly what it was.

♪♪

[Insects chirping]

[Cheering]

[Applause]

[Playing theme song]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Cheers and applause]

[Cheering]

[Horns honking]

[Cheering intensifies]

-You know,

there's a lot of people in America right now

telling other people what they can do,

what they can say, what they can't do,

what they can't say more than I've ever seen it

in my lifetime.

And that has been a long lifetime.

People telling us you're not allowed to be yourself

or else we'll mess you up.

So, fortunately, we're movie nerds.

So, we've seen too many movies.

We've heard Mel Gibson give the "Braveheart" speech.

We remember when Harry Dean Stanton said,

"I'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees,"

in "Repo Man."

We remember when Jack Nicholson said,

"They'll talk to you about individual freedom,

but they see a free individual,

it's going to scare them," in "Easy Rider."

We remember Marlon Brando in "Guys and Dolls," saying,

"It is my understanding

that the Constitution of the United States

allows everybody the free choice between cheesecake and strudel."

And of course, we remember the words of Halle Berry

as Catwoman -- "Freedom is power."

To live a life untamed and unafraid

is the gift that I've been given,

and so, we've been given a gift, as well.

It's called the drive-in.

[Cheering, horns honking]

It's the place where all of us

go to celebrate the philosophy of "Malcolm in the Middle."

You're not the boss of me now.

And sometimes we alter that slightly.

You're not the boss of us, so shut the fuck up.

[Cheering]

Hit it, John.

[Playing theme song]

♪♪

-♪ Hey, everybody, have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in, hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies, so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties, boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

-♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

-♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

-♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

-♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Yeah, let's go ♪

♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Joe Bob Briggs!

-Hey. [Chuckles]

[Cheers and applause]

Oh.

Thank you, guys.

[Crowd chanting indistinctly]

You did that. You did that.

Hey. Hey, I'm Joe Bob Briggs.

And you know what we're here to do, don't you?

We're at the Mahoning Drive-in in Lehighton, Pennsylvania,

also known as the place out

where the bus don't stop no more,

and we're about to party like jungle animals

because that's what we do.

That's part of the drive-in oath.

But you know what? Less than a week ago,

this very drive-in was threatened with extinction.

[Booing]

Yep.

But the people who were thinking they were going to take it over

did not count on the power of the mutant family.

[Cheering]

The Mahoning Drive Drive-in is safe forever.

[Cheers and applause]

[Chuckles]

I want you to raise your right hand...

-Yeah! -...and repeat after me.

We are in mutants.

-We are in mutants.

-We are not like other people.

-We are not like other people.

-We are sick. -We are sick.

-We are disgusting. -We are disgusting.

-We believe in blood... -We believe in blood...

-...in breasts... -...in breasts...

-...and in beasts. -...and in beasts.

-If life had a vomit meter... -If life had a vomit meter...

-...we'd be off the scale. -...we'd be off the scale.

-We believe in Kung Fu City.

-We believe in Kung Fu City.

-As long as one drive-in remains...

-As long as one drive-in remains...

-...on the planet Earth... -...on the planet Earth...

-...we will party like jungle animals...

-...we will party like jungle animals...

-...we will boogie till we puke. -...we will boogie till we puke.

-The drive-in will never die. -The drive-in will never die.

-Amen. -Amen.

-All right.

[Cheering]

All right. We're calling this

The Gathering of the Mutants tonight.

We have gathered all the drive-in mutants

from Eastern Pennsylvania and points west.

I know a family that drove in from West Texas.

Another group drove in from Seattle.

And did they close the airport in Seattle or something?

That is a long drive.

You know, that -- that minimum wage

went up to 15 bucks an hour in Seattle,

and the airport just couldn't survive.

But everybody said, "Hey, you know,

I'm making 15 bucks an hour now.

We'll just drive to Pennsylvania from here.

You know, Google Maps says it's only 55 hours.

So, you know, let's do it. Less if we play

'Cannonball Run' in the opposite direction from the movie."

So, anyway, welcome to all the Seattleites that are here.

You know, see,

I figured this would mostly be people from Philly.

And, actually -- actually, let's test that out.

Go Rangers, go Mets, go Cowboys.

[Booing] All right.

Okay. That's -- That's what I thought.

-E-A-G-L-E-S! Eagles! -Okay. [Laughs]

Okay, good. The city that booed Santa Claus.

I love it. You know,

we need to keep the great American traditions alive.

Okay. You know, actually, Austin,

I want to do -- I have a Philly story.

-All right? -Is that okay?

I mean, we're going to be here all night.

I can tell stories, right? All right.

When I was 19 years old, I got a summer job

working as a reporter for "The Philadelphia Inquirer."

And on my first day on the job,

I got disciplined for describing the local waterway

as the Schuylkill River.

A very nasty city editor

directed me to "The Philadelphia Inquirer"

style manual, and it said,

"The name of the river is not the Schuylkill River,

it's just the Schuylkill,

because the word 'kill' in Dutch means 'river.'"

So if you call it the Schuylkill River,

it's like saying School River River.

And I was ashamed and abashed and I promised to read up

on the local styles and usages in Philadelphia.

So, now, years later, I come back to Philadelphia

and I'm in a taxi and I notice

that we're crossing the Schuylkill.

And I'm not totally sure, and so, I asked the cab driver,

"What's this body of water we're going over?"

And he says, "Schuylkill River."

And I say, "Don't you mean the Schuylkill?"

And he says, "Yeah, Schuylkill River."

So I made it my business to go around

asking every native Philadelphian that I could meet,

"What is the name of the body of water

that runs past that museum with the Rocky statue?"

And what do they all say? Schuylkill River.

Meaning you were just fucking

with the Texas redneck, weren't you?

You saw me coming from a mile away and you went,

"We're going to tell him the old Dutch usage thing.

He'll believe that, he's from Texas, right?"

Okay. So, here we are decades later on a magical July night

in the part of Pennsylvania

that's in the Appalachian Mountains.

Okay. We're on the land of my people now, aren't we?

You know, no Dutch smartasses around here.

So, in fact, the name of the river here was originally

the Lechewuekink, Indian word.

And, so, the rednecks who settled this place,

they just said, "Fuck that. From now on, it's Lehigh."

You know, both words start with an L.

That's enough Native American history for us, you know.

But then, here's how woke the rednecks of this valley are.

They purchased the body of a Native American athlete.

All right. I'm going to repeat that slowly,

because it's a lot to take in all at once in one sentence.

The elected officials here paid for the body

of Native American Olympic athlete Jim Thorpe

when he died in 1953.

They brought the body here. They built a mausoleum for him.

They changed the names of two towns

to make the single town of Jim Thorpe.

And a lot of you are probably staying in Jim Thorpe,

aren't you? So it's the final resting place

of the greatest Olympic athlete in history,

whose spirit is probably somewhat confused.

So, I mean, don't do any seances while you're here, you know?

No Ouija boards. We don't want any dead

Indian spirits floating around the drive-in,

especially Indian spirit decathletes

who can beat all our asses.

But, anyway, his tribe and his family

have made several efforts to get him exhumed

and sent to Oklahoma.

But the courts, the Supreme Court actually said,

"Nope. He was brought here fair and square.

His final resting place is the Pennsylvania coal town

formerly known as Mauch Chunk." So done deal, case dismissed.

But I just wanted to get across how weird the people are here.

And that doesn't surprise me because,

like I said, they're my people.

But what they did would sort of be like the Navajo

buying the body of Kobe Bryant and shipping it to New Mexico.

And when they bury it, they're naming the place

where they bury it Kobe Bryant, New Mexico.

You know, it's that strange.

So my people, our people,

mutants everywhere are surrounding us here.

Now, many of you have not been to a drive-in since 1949,

the year the Mahoning opened.

And, so, you may have forgotten some of the rules.

And I've noticed you have. For example,

turn off your gol-darn headlights, you know.

I --

[Cheering]

I know you have a fancy car

that automatically turns on the headlights when it gets dark.

Disable that fucker. All right?

And the second rule,

when showing approval of something you like,

light honking.

Beep, beep, beep. -[Chuckles]

-Not ho-o-o-onk!

You know, the honk sound, that's the sound you make

when the film breaks or the sound goes out

or when Linda Blair gets topless.

That's the only time you can do that.

Or when Burt Reynolds jumps that river

in the Trans Am in "Smokey and the Bandit."

But otherwise, light honking will suffice.

And, finally, if you have any questions or comments

about the show during the show,

you can let us know the usual way by tweeting,

Facebooking, Instagramming, or you can just scratch it out

on the back of a Junior Mints box

and deliver it to Darcy the Mail Girl.

Here she is, ladies and gentlemen.

[Cheers and applause]

[Chuckles]

Darcy...

-Aw.

You guys.

-She's so fucking popular.

Darcy...

[Crowd chanting "Darcy"] -Oh, my God.

How sweet.

-Oh.

-Wow. -All right.

Darcy...

Darcy will be running social media central

from her little cubbyhole over here.

And, so, just fold it up like a football

and pass it to her like you did in sixth grade.

And we actually have a little Darcy mailbox

around here somewhere where you can put the question in.

And by the way, does anybody ever eat Junior Mints

except when you're at the movies?

I think every Junior Mints box goes directly

from the candy factory to movie theaters.

There is no retail sale of a Junior Mint.

But put it in a Junior Mint box

and put it in the -- in the box here.

And if you do communicate with Darcy,

give us your name and hometown.

And, Darcy, why are you not cosplaying

"Night of the Demons"?

-Oh, my God. You just -- You just gave away the title.

-I did give away the title. All right.

"Night of the Demons."

You are -- -Whoo!

-You are correctamundo.

And not only do we have "Night of the Demons,"

we have the two sexiest women in "Night of the Demons"

as our special guests.

[Cheering] -Whoo!

We have Linnea Quigley, who spent most of the movie

in a pink tutu hiked up to regions

where it's difficult to get oxygen.

And we have Amelia Kinkade, who played Angela,

the demon party hostess... -Whoo!

-...who does an unholy dance that makes you wonder

whether she wants to have sex with you or kill you.

And by the time she finishes, you don't care which it is.

So, Darcy, do you know the "Night of the Demons"

fireplace dance?

-I do it every single time I'm in a haunted house.

-Really? -Yeah.

-You do not. -I do. I promise.

-What about the Linnea Quigley dance?

The one she does on a tombstone in "Return of the Living Dead."

-I do it every night before bed.

-You do not. Okay. -I promise.

-I think there just might be some sexy horror dancing

going on tonight on this very location.

I know Amelia was the sexy girl

in several rock videos in the '80s,

so we have three --

count them, three -- professional show dancers

ready to stimulate the audience a little later, so...

-Are you going somewhere with this?

-No, I'm not going anywhere.

I never go anywhere with anything.

I'm just wandering all over the lot.

But I've got drive-in fever, you know,

because I can't believe that we're finally here.

-I know. -And we've got

a spam in a cabin classic.

Actually, a spam in a haunted castle classic.

You know, and it's a castle in South Central LA.

They don't tell us it's in South Central LA.

It looks like it's out on some mysterious misty hilltop,

but it's actually a spam in a haunted funeral home movie

because you would not want to assemble on Halloween night

in an abandoned funeral parlor built on

an ancient Indian burial ground where 17 or 18 people have died

horrible, grisly deaths, including one Indian brave

who was found, quote, "gnawing on a papoose."

You know, probably choked to death

on the leather or something. Because what is a papoose?

I think the screenwriter wants us to think

it was a Native American baby. Right?

But the papoose is just that bag

that they carry the baby in, right?

I think I'm talking correctly.

Anyway, it's like a car seat. If you don't have a car.

You swaddle up that infant

and you carry the baby around on your back.

Can you swaddle anything other than a baby?

Why do babies get swaddled?

But when you're older, you have to say,

"Put some tight blankets on me." You know, you can't say,

"Swaddle me, sweetie pie. Swaddle me up."

Or maybe you can. I don't know.

Anyway, you shouldn't be gnawing

on any papooses, especially if you're a cannibal.

Because that would be like a zombie

staring down at a dead man's head

and deciding to eat his hat.

You know, so, if you know -- If you know what I mean.

And you may not, because I'm so far off the topic now.

It's like I took one of those service roads on the interstate

that won't let you back on the interstate.

All right. "Night of the Demons."

"Night of the Demons" is one of those movies

that has absolutely no plot getting in the way of the story.

The airhead partiers go into the demon-possessed

abandoned funeral parlor,

and most of them don't come out of the demon-possessed

abandoned funeral parlor. So that's it.

It takes about a half hour for the glopola to start spewing.

And of course, we're observing the first rule of

teen meets spam in a cabin,

which is anybody who enjoys sex must die.

If you haven't seen this before,

you will not believe the Amelia Kinkade dance

where Angela roots around on the floor

like a sex-crazed grasshopper head solid gold dancer.

You know, Tina Turner as a mutant horny toad.

And of course, "Night of the Demons"

has one of my favorite lines in film history.

"Would you like a fudge log?" [Chuckles]

But let's get to those Drive-In Totals.

-Whoo! [Cheering]

Which are...

Possibly the all-time record for jump scares in a single movie.

Drive-In Academy Award nominations for...

Hal Havins as the party animal turned killer demon

who likes to wear a pig nose

and moon the elderly for saying,

"Shut up and drive, bitch."

-[Laughs] -Harold Ayer

as the geezer who likes to buy double-edged

Gillette razor blades at Halloween for saying,

"I don't need your help, you damn little whore."

Billy Gallo as the slick-haired Brooklyn wise-ass who says,

"I brung my pet snake for your sister to play with,"

and, "Is everybody here on drugs or something?

I live in a nice house with plastic slipcovers

on the furniture."

Linnea Quigley for one of the most --

-Whoo! -Yeah!

One of the most memorable entrances

in exploitation film history, for being the good-time girl

who goes full frontal, turns into a sex demon,

and says, "You guys have sour balls?"

[Laughter]

Donnie Jeffcoat as the little brother who says,

"Are you dating her for her personality

or because she has big cha-chas?"

Karen Ericson as the mom

who makes the world's most disgusting fudge logs.

Amelia Kinkade as Angela... -Whoo!

-...the woman in black, for saying,

"This house is not haunted, it's possessed."

And for doing the demon dance.

Cathy Podewell as Judy, the "Alice in Wonderland"

boring, nice girl, who thinks her boyfriend is too horny

and says, "Just hold me."

Alvin Alexis as Roger for saying,

"I know better than be fooling with this stuff.

This is a house of the dead."

Steve Johnson, the special effects artist,

who spent so much time building prosthetics

on naked women that he married one of them.

And Kevin Tenney, the director, for saying,

"Can we have a little bit more mucus on their faces, please?

They're not quite disgusting enough."

Three stars. Joe Bob says, check it out.

Wow.

[Cheers and applause]

You know, I realized earlier this week

that I introduced this film

on The Movie Channel in the year 1990.

[Chuckles]

And in 1990, I only gave it two and a half stars.

So, how did it earn the extra half star over the past

31 years? You may be wondering that.

Or maybe not. But let me put it this way --

if a 33 year old movie makes it to "The Last Drive-In,"

they must have been doing something right.

Or he may just be easily amused by blood, sex, and gore.

But you can read it either way.

But who is thrilled to be at the Mahoning tonight?

[Cheers and applause]

Light honking. Come on. Tap, tap, tap.

All right.

-Honk. -Thank you, guys.

Roll the movie.

-Whoo! -Yeah!

[Horns honking]

[Roaring]

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[Thunder crashes]

♪♪

[Thunder crashes]

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♪♪

[Thunder crashes]

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[Thunder crashes]

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[Thunder crashes]

♪♪

[Rock music playing]

♪♪

-Whoo!

♪♪

Trick or treat! [Laughs]

-You're just disgusting. And turn that noise down!

What are you, deaf?

-Don't you dare, bitch, get off that!

-Hey, Stooge. -What?

-Check out the old fart.

-All right, dude!

Stooge. Helen, here. Make yourself useful, okay?

Take the wheel. Ahh!

♪♪

[Horn honks]

Hey, Grandpa, look in the mirror!

[Laughter]

-You stupid bastards!

Damn you all to hell!

-Happy Halloween, asshole.

[Cackles]

-Damn kids.

-Boo! -Ohh!

-There's no fool like an old fool.

-You son of a bitch! -Hey, hey, cool it, pops.

You want to blow your pacemaker or somethin'?

[Toy rat squeaking]

Aah!

-Gee, mister, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.

-Get your hands off of me!

-Hey, calm down. -Get away from me!

-I-I was just trying to help.

-I don't need your help, you damn little whore!

-Well, fine, I wouldn't want to help

an old creep like you anyway.

-Damn rotten kids.

They'll get what they deserve.

Yes, they'll get what they deserve...tonight.

[Laughing]

-Judy! -Sorry, Mom, I'm in a hurry.

Has Jay Jansen called?

-Jay, no. Oh, but that boy, Sal,

he stopped by to see if you were home.

-Sal? -Uh-huh.

[Phone ringing] -I'll get it.

Hello, Jay?

-Hey, Judy, you almost ready to go?

-Um, not quite.

I got stuck after school helping Mrs. Evans out

with that drive for the homeless.

-I told you that was a scam.

-Well, someone has to do it.

-Well, listen, there's been a slight change of plan

for tonight. -Wh-What do you mean?

-I've got a better party to go to.

-Does this mean I should find another date for the dance?

-Of course not.

Hey, I thought you'd be happy to go to a real party.

That school dance is for nerds.

-Oh, okay, sure, why not?

Who's giving it?

-I don't know if you know her, her name's Angela.

-Angela? No, the only Angela I know

is that weird girl in history class.

-Well, as a matter of fact...

-Jay, you've gotta be kidding.

Angela is such a weirdo. Frannie says

she's into witchcraft and all sorts of creepy stuff.

-Come on, you don't believe all that, do you?

It's a bunch of crap.

Just a lonely old misfit trying to get some attention

by acting weird, that's all.

-So, why in the world would you want to go to her party then?

-Because it's Halloween.

Who do you know that'll give a better party?

It's like Christmas to her.

-Do we have to?

-Come on, Max and Frannie are going.

It'll be fun.

-Oh, all right, I guess so.

I can't wait to meet her family.

She probably lives in a belfry.

-Well, it's -- it's not at her house.

It's at Hull House.

-Hull House? Jay!

-Pick you up in 20.

-Rar! -[Gasps]

-[Laughs] Wow, bodacious boobies, sis.

You keep growin', you'll have to hire someone

just to tie your shoes.

-Oh, out!

[Doorbell rings]

-I'll get it.

Rar!

[Door creaking]

♪♪

♪♪

-Boo! [Laughs]

I wish I had a camera.

You looked like you dropped a load, Junior.

Hey, hey, cool it, squirt.

Who do you think you are, Rocky Balboa?

-Let me go, creep! -Sure.

Now go tell that pretty little piece you call your sister

that handsome hunk Sal is here.

And tell her I brung my pet snake for her to play with.

Judy's gettin' ready for a date, butthole.

If I were you, I'd get out of here before he shows up

and turns your ugly face into a punching bag.

-Don't give me that shit, punk.

Go get your sister before I lose my cool.

What's the matter, you didn't hear what I said, bozo?

-Let me go, or I'll yell for my mom.

-Aw, go on, baby.

What's the matter, you can't take a joke?

Now, go get your sister.

-Judy's gettin' dressed. She's goin' to a party.

-Party, what party?

-Wouldn't you like to know? -Oh, you little asshole.

-Oh, Mother!

-Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come on spill the beans, ace.

Here, here's a nice chunk of change

to loosen your lips a little. -Are you kidding,

betray my beloved sister for a measly quarter?

What do you think this is,

some kind of depression or something?

-Oh, that does it.

-Billy, did you call me?

-Hey, hey. Here, this is my final offer, kid.

Now take it and sing.

Where's the friggin' party?

-Sure, you'll be too chicken to crash it anyway.

-Hey, try me.

-It's at Hull House. -Hull House?

Huh! What are trying to pull, shorty?

Your sister wouldn't be caught dead in a dump like that.

What do you think I am, some kind of idiot or what?

-What I think is besides the point.

Hull House tonight.

-Better be straight, Billy boy.

Or I swear I'm gonna come back here and kick your little ass.

[Chuckles]

-Hey, my mask.

-Yeah, thanks a lot.

-Fag.

[Video game sound effects]

-Do you guys have sour balls?

-Why, sure we do.

-Too bad, I bet you don't get many blow jobs.

-[Laughing hysterically]

-You think you got enough stuff?

-Come on, we don't want to be late to our own party.

Come on, your face looks fine.

I've never seen anybody spend more time in a mirror.

-Relax, I just want to look good for the boys.

You did remember to invite some cute boys to the party, I hope.

-[Mocking] Of course I did.

And we're gonna scare the shit out of 'em.

[Laughs]

[Knock on door]

-Cutie, Prince Charming's here.

[Music on television]

-[Screaming]

♪♪

-Well, you must be Judy's little brother, huh?

Huh, that's pretty lucky.

She's, uh, she's a real nice girl.

-Yeah, are you dating her for her personality

or because she has big cha-chas?

-[Chuckles]

-Well, hello there. You must be Jay.

-Yeah. -Would you like a fudge log?

-Oh, gee...

Hey, I'd love to, but I-I'm trying to watch my weight.

-Oh, your weight -- you must be kidding.

You're skinny as a rail.

Oh, come on, Jay, don't be shy.

Have one. I just took 'em out of the oven.

No, thanks, Mrs. Cassidy, really.

-You're sure. -Yeah.

-Of course, he's sure, Ma.

Why would he want one?

They look like sun-dried poodle turds.

-Billy.

-Why me?

-Hey, you look great.

-Yeah, the best bride of Frankenstein I ever saw.

-Jay, I thought you were gonna wear a costume.

-Well, I was, but I -- -He is, he's the boogeyman.

Can't you tell? He's the pick of the litter.

-Billy, please.

-Happy Halloween, sweetheart.

-Um, we better hurry.

-Uh, yeah, Max and Frannie are waiting.

-Good night, girls, have a nice time.

-Enjoy the dance.

[Cartoon music continues on TV]

-God, I'm so embarrassed.

My mom and her cereal box recipes.

-Hey, forget it.

Come here.

-Jay, s-slow down, okay?

-Yeah, right, sure, we've got all night.

Come on.

-Whoever drew up this map

must have been half blind and half retarded.

-Sounds like Angela. Dizzy fuckin' bitch, man.

-Stooge, did you become an asshole of your own free will

or were you born that way? -[Laughs]

-Did you hear somethin' funny?

I don't know why I'm hangin' out with you two wipes.

Give me that damn map! -Hey!

Great, Stooge, now look what you've done.

-Typical. -"Typical."

Shut up and drive, bitch!

Look here. Turn here!

[Tires squeal]

-Well, if the party's a real drag,

we can always come back to my house.

-Here they come.

Well, thank God you two have the Halloween spirit.

At least I won't be the only one wearing a costume.

-Oh, you didn't really expect to see Jay in a costume.

Jay's way too cool for that.

-Just get in the car, Max.

[Engine turns over]

[Insects, animals chittering]

[Bird squawks]

-Great.

Just great.

-You know, I always wondered why they called you Stooge.

-Hey, look, I said I always carry a spare.

I never promised you a tire iron.

-[Sighs]

You know, we really must have taken a wrong turn somewhere.

No one would give a party out here.

-Look, we definitely did not take any wrong turns, okay?

I know where Hull House is.

It ain't far from here.

So, shut up and start walkin'!

-Great. -Walk?

Are you fat and dumb?

-Hey, here comes a car.

-Must be my good karma.

[Horn honks] All right, Jay buddy!

You got here just in time, dude.

-You guys need a hand?

-We sure do.

[Applause]

-[Laughs]

See ya.

[Laughing]

-I'm so glad I let you guys talk me into this.

-Shouldn't we at least help them change their tire?

-[Chuckling] For Christ sakes, Judy, it's only a flat tire.

I think even Stooge can figure that one out.

-Hey, there it is, stop the car.

-This place was once a funeral parlor, wasn't it?

-Yeah, biggest one in four counties.

-A funeral parlor, way out here?

-Sure, it's nice and cozy, right next to the old cemetery.

And rumor has it, old man Hull really loved his clientele...

I mean, in the carnal sense.

-Yeah, that doesn't surprise me.

I once saw a portrait of Mrs. Hull.

-I've heard stories about this place ever since I was a kid.

The Hull family met a pretty gruesome end, didn't they?

-They sure did.

As a matter of fact, it was on Halloween night.

One of them went crazy and slaughtered the entire family,

then committed suicide.

They could never figure out who did it.

Too much blood and guts. -[Chuckles]

I can't believe we're gonna party here.

-[Sighs] Neither can I.

♪♪

♪♪

-Hell, that was easy. Didn't even lock the gate.

-Yeah, the county used to keep this place locked up

all the time.

Only the locks kept disappearing.

I guess they finally gave up.

-Well, it doesn't look like much of a party happening here.

Maybe we could still make the dance.

-Max, what are you doing?

-I'm just checkin' out an old legend about this place.

Come here.

Judy, come here, will ya?

Come here, listen.

-Water. -Yeah, an underground stream.

According to legend,

it completely surrounds the property.

This wall was built right on top of it.

-A brick wall on top of an underground stream?

Now, there's a stroke of engineering genius.

-Well, the wall was built to mark the stream.

Uh, supposedly the evil spirits that haunt the land

can't cross over running water or something.

-Hey, can we go in now?

It's getting kind of chilly out here.

-Shh...listen.

-What?

I don't hear anything.

-That's what I mean.

Isn't it quiet?

Not even the crickets will come to this property.

[Laughs] -[Scoffs] Yeah, right, Max.

♪♪

♪♪

[Cheers and applause]

♪♪

-All right. Light rain falling at the Mahoning Drive-in

and nobody is leaving, right? -Whoo!

-And Austin is moving the audience closer to the stage.

All right.

The audience is advancing on me like Birnam Wood in "Macbeth."

Okay. Linnea Quigley's introductory reveal shot

is a long, lingering closeup of the butt,

as two guys ogle her in the convenience store

so that Amelia Kinkade, as Suzanne,

can go through the store with a rucksack

stealing party supplies. Weren't the '80s great?

Who would do a shot like that today?

The best way to describe this movie, in my opinion,

is that it's every other '80s horror movie

just dialed up to 11.

You know, for example, normally, in a haunted house movie

or a spam in a cabin movie --

and you could say this is actually both

a haunted house movie and a spam in a cab movie --

normally, in either of these standard genres,

you have four cast members.

Four people go into the house, only one comes out.

So how many people are going to this party at Hull House?

10! [Laughs]

Enough for two and a half movies.

And how many legends are there about Hull House?

Three! We only heard the first legend from Max

about how old man Hull loved his funeral parlor clientele

and somebody in the family slaughtered everybody else

in the family and then committed suicide.

But we're only getting started with random legends

that will be pouring out of the mouths of the partygoers.

So see if you can keep up. Okay.

Hull House.

Why did the screenwriter, Joe Augustyn,

call it Hull House?

Because Hull House is famous in American history.

It's a place in Chicago where Jane Addams welcomed

all the European immigrants in the late 19th century.

And in fact, it's still there. It's on the campus

of the University of Illinois at Chicago.

It's on the gol-darn National Register of Historic Places.

So Hull House is a national symbol of feminism.

Jane Addams was one of the most vocal feminist activists

of her day. And of free immigration,

'cause all their social programs

were developed to help people who had just arrived in America.

And of supporting the working classes

and the poor against the landlords

and the bosses who were holding them back.

So it was -- So it was kind of a socialist thing,

but mainly it was a bunch

of activist women getting together and saying,

"Well, if the men won't clean up America

and make sure everybody has what they need,

we, by God, will."

So almost all Chicago theater derives from Hull House,

and I won't go into that sort of sub-topic,

but the great traditions of Chicago, comedy, improv,

all that stuff started from the theater programs

that Jane Addams established at Hull House.

And it was haunted.

There are all kinds of stories. I won't go into all of them,

but if you take the ghosts of Chicago tours,

there are about five different ghost stories

associated with Hull House,

and they're not those fake ones that people come up with

to boost business at the bed and breakfast.

So I've seen interviews with Joe Augustyn,

and I've never seen any reference

as to why he used the name Hull House.

This was Joe's first film. He's not from Chicago.

In fact, he's from Philly.

But he has a keen interest in the paranormal.

So I would imagine he's heard

all the Hull House haunting stories.

Anyway, when I was watching this for the first time,

I thought, okay,

the bad girl ringleaders are Linnea Quigley

and Amelia Kinkade playing Suzanne and Angela.

So Joe is trying to invert that Hull House story

and turn this into a chronicle of evil women

instead of social warrior women.

But then, that doesn't really pan out in the story.

Is there anybody here from Chicago tonight?

Honk if you like -- Honk if you love the Bears.

Right? Or as Henry says, in

"Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer,"

"Fuck the Bears," you know.

But, anyway, if you're from Chicago or if you --

or if you just took eighth grade history,

when you hear the words Hull House,

you're expecting social warrior subtext.

You know? So maybe Joe skipped eighth grade or something.

We don't know. Anyway, Kevin Tenney,

the director, has done a pretty good job

so far of introducing all 10 of the main characters.

That is tough to set up.

He set up 10 characters in 20 minutes.

And four of those minutes were taken up by cartoon credits.

They were sort of a poor man's version

of "Night on Bald Mountain."

And in fact, those cartoon credits

were animated by Kathy Zielinski,

who was working at Disney at the time.

She was working on "The Little Mermaid" at Disney

while she was doing the title sequence

for "Night of the Demons."

Kathy worked on all the Disney villains --

Ursula, Solo, Jafar.

So she was a good choice.

So, the way Kevin Tenney does characterization

is, whatever you see in the very first image,

that's the character. For the rest of the movie.

Starting with Stooge, the first guy you see,

the guy with the pig nose who's yelling, "Party!" right?

Two minutes into the movie, and then he moons the old man.

That's Hal Havins as Stooge.

He was also in Kevin Tenney's first movie, "Witchboard,"

as well as one of our in-house favorites,

"Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama."

-Yeah. -Yeah. And, Darcy,

okay, you're going to be interested in this --

in this little story.

You know how you're always saying

that there should be more male nudity in every movie?

-Yes. -All right, well...

[Cheering]

Well, in that first scene, where he pulls down his pants

and he hangs his ass out the window of the car

to annoy the old man,

he was supposed to be buck naked.

That was supposed to be an actual moon.

But Stooge declined. -Hmm.

That should be a half-star deduction right there.

-Yeah, well, it's true. We lost bewtocks.

We lost a bewtocks count

because of one actor's insecurities.

-Shame. -So, okay, let's get back

to the movie that has

infrastructure information in it.

[Laughter]

Because the abandoned haunted funeral parlor

is surrounded by an underground stream.

I'm not sure about the whole underground stream

sub-narrative, but we have it there.

The house was actually located in South Central LA,

so it was more likely to have an underground escape tunnel

for when the DEA shows up.

So, anyway, lots to talk about here,

but I'm trying people's patience right now.

So, back to the movie.

But, Darcy, when Linnea Quigley comes out --

And I'm a little bit nervous, you know.

Linnea Quigley is a superstar in '80s exploitation, you know.

[Cheers and applause] -She's amazing.

-So, when Linnea comes out,

I'm thinking about my first line.

Should I say, "Do you have sour balls?"

-No, probably not.

-Because everybody says that to her when they meet her?

-Because it doesn't make any sense to say that to her.

-Okay. I wanted to say it because I love sour balls,

-I'm not even going to go there, dude.

-But they have to come in a mason jar, like --

Because I buy them in the Cracker Barrel gift shop,

and, so...

-We'll get you some sour balls. Okay.

-The Cracker Barrel -- There is a Cracker Barrel

that's 22.8 miles down State Highway 100

from where we're sitting here. -Really? Wow.

-Now, I didn't look it up, but I know.

-Of course you didn't. -Somebody told me it was 22.8.

in Fogelsville.

-I guess we're going to Fogelsville, huh?

-If you don't want to, we don't have to go to Fogelsville.

-Thank you.

Because there's one in Frackville, also,

that we can go to.

[Laughter]

[Cheering]

♪♪

-[Coughing] Oh, geez.

Ugh. -Oof!

Somebody fire the maid.

-Yeah, somebody did.

The Hull family maid was killed along with the rest of them.

Someone managed to roast her.

-Great, barbecue maid.

No wonder she didn't keep the place clean.

-Can we go home now?

I guess not.

-Hey, you guys, check this out.

♪♪

-Oh, my God.

-This must have been left here by previous tenants.

[Horn honks]

-Okay, everybody hide, quick. Get rid of your light.

-Jay.

-Come on, this is gonna be great, just relax.

-Aah! -[Gasps]

-You dirt bag. -Jay, no!

-Hey, who's side are you on?

-Who's side am I on? You're acting like an idiot.

You were just about to climb in there and scare somebody else.

Now you're going to punch out Sal

just because he beat you to it?

-Yeah, yeah, lighten up, Jay-bo.

It's Halloween.

Good evening, allow me to introduce myself.

-Yeah, Count Dingleberry,

the flaming asshole of Transylvania.

-Aw, what's the matter, Maxie baby,

you pissed because I made you lose your brewski?

-Hey, Angela didn't tell me this asshole was invited.

-He wasn't.

-All right, dudes!

And dudesses. Ha!

Let's party!

[Rock music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey, Sal, where do you want this?

Hello, Sal, come in, Sal. Earth to Sal.

Hey, yo.

-Where are we gonna put this thing, man?

It weighs a fucking ton.

-♪ It was a quarter to 9:00 and I was running late ♪

♪ I was hoping I could find a cab at the stand ♪

♪ It was my first time out on my computer date ♪

♪ And I was looking forward to whatever ♪

♪ She might have planned ♪

♪ The computer dating service depot ♪

[Glass shatter]

♪ Said it had a key punch, boxed lunch ♪

♪ They had a lady just a little bit strange ♪

♪ So they showed me the photo of a goddess ♪

♪ And then they asked me if I thought she would do ♪

♪ You know, she didn't look too very shy, I'm honest ♪

♪ But then I dated her one or two ♪

-Thanks.

-Oh, I wouldn't do that, if I were you.

-Huh?

-I wouldn't leave that lighter lying there.

We wouldn't want the spirits to see you

littering up their place. Would we now?

-I'm sure they'll make a federal case out of it.

-Oh, have it your way.

♪♪

-Oh, this feels great, really.

-Ahh. -Just what the doctor ordered.

♪♪

-♪ Well, she could take some abuse and never blow a fuse ♪

♪ We did it reel to reel ♪

♪♪

-What'd the Wicked witch of the West want?

She tryin' to scare ya? -Of course.

-So, did she do it?

-Are you kidding?

I'm not a baby.

-That's the spirit.

♪♪

♪♪

-Hmm. -Here, Max,

this ought to cool you down a little.

-Thanks, babe. -Oh, how sweet.

Far fucking out! -All right! Whoo!

-I found it in my mother's closet.

She used to be an acid head. -Whoa!

-Now we're cooking it up.

♪♪

♪♪

♪ She would take some abuse and never blow a fuse ♪

♪ We did it reel to reel ♪

-♪ Reel to reel ♪

♪♪

[Music stops]

[All grumbling]

-Holy shit.

Haven't you idiots ever heard of Duracell?

-Hey, look, don't blame me, man.

I just put batteries in the damn thing this morning.

I can't live without my music.

-Forget it, there's plenty of time for dancing later.

Now it's time for party games.

-Yeah, we can play post orifice and you can be the stamp.

[Slurps]

-Please don't make me ill.

-I was thinking of something a bit more in tune

with the holiday.

-Like what, bobbing for apples with razor blades in 'em?

[Laughter]

-No, I was thinking more along the lines of a séance.

-A séance?

Isn't that a little chancy?

I mean, this is Halloween, the night when all

the creepy things are supposed to stalk the Earth.

I mean, there's no telling what we'll dredge up,

especially in this old place.

-Hey, you guys, how about a past life séance?

-A what?

-A past life séance.

You know, we all sit around, look in a mirror,

and see our past lives.

-What kind of drugs are we gonna need for this?

-[Chuckles]

-Cool, will this do?

-I'm afraid not, Suzanne,

we need one we can all look into at once.

[Distant moan]

-What the hell was that?

-I don't know, buddy, let's go check it out.

-Hey, hey, Stooge, hey, man, cut it out now.

-Oh, come on, Rodg, now don't be afraid.

I'm going with you.

-You're supposed to be my friend, man!

-Come on, Rodg, be a man.

-No, Stooge! -Yes, Rodg!

-No!

[Both scream]

♪♪

♪♪

-Are you okay?

-What's the matter, Rodg, you're white as a ghost.

[Chuckles]

-Hey, kids, you're not going to believe what I found in here.

-Oh, it's perfect.

[Laughs]

I can't believe our luck.

-Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all.

-Oh, don't tell me you're afraid, too.

[Growls]

-Come on, it's just a mirror, what harm can it do?

♪♪

It's really very simple.

You just keep staring at my reflection in the mirror

until the glass clouds up all black.

When it clears, we'll see what I looked like in a past life.

-Sounds easy enough to me.

-Yeah, right, and if you buy that,

I got this real nifty bridge to sell ya.

-Shh. -Everybody shut up.

Now, concentrate on my reflection in the mirror.

-[Snickers]

-Concentrate.

-I'm trying to, Ang, but I can't get past that zit on your chin.

[Laughter]

-Shut the fuck up, asshole.

If you're not going to help us along, then get lost.

Okay, now concentrate.

Concentrate.

♪♪

-Holy shit.

-You idiot, it was just starting to work.

-It was, I swear I saw the mirror turning black.

-Hey, I saw it, too.

[All murmuring]

♪♪

-[Screams]

-Shit! -Get away!

[Glass shatters] -Jeez.

-Why the hell did you do that?

-What is wrong with her?

-Festerin' fuckwads! Gah!

You cannot take this bitch anywhere, man!

-What -- What happened, Helen, what's the matter?

-I saw something in the mirror.

-Saw what in the mirror?

-Oh, jeez, this bitch has flipped.

-Shut up, Stooge, you're not helping matters!

-[Squeaks] -What?

-A mask! I saw a mask!

-Probably saw Sal in that stupid mask.

-I wasn't wearing my mask.

-Oh, God, that's even worse. [Shivers]

-It doesn't matter what she saw, does it?

If she saw anything.

It looks like our little game is over.

-Yeah, I just hope Helen didn't piss off

the owner of the mirror.

Ow. I was only kidding.

[Distant banging]

-Oh, no, here we go again.

-Relax, it's probably just someone arriving late.

You guys did invite some other people to this party?

Angela?

-Some cute boys, I hope.

[Distant clattering]

-It sounds like it's coming from the basement.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Growls]

[Heavy breathing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-God, it's freezing in here.

-Never mind the draft, man. Who cut the cheese?

-Oh, PU, that is rank.

-Stooge must be wearing his mom's dirty panties again.

-Hey, man, as least my old lady wears panties.

His just wears a coin changer for sailors.

-Your mom couldn't give it away.

-God, man, it smells like somebody died in here.

[Whooshing]

-I don't like what's happening here.

-What do you mean? -I know what she means.

Like, come on, this ain't exactly the most happenin' party

I ever been to, okay?

-What do you mean, Angela?

-Those noises that we heard, there were three of them.

And that awful stink and then the chill.

-It's not cold now.

Must have been a draft.

-Well, maybe somebody did come in.

-The odor's gone, too.

-But we all experienced them --

the noise, the stink, and the chill.

They're all signs of demonic infestation.

-[Spits] -Demonic what?

-Demonic whatchamacallit.

I mean, come on!

Little Ang here is just trying to put the old

whoo-hoo-ooga-booga on us, okay?

Yeah, Ang, I'm sure you're right, okay?

Or could it be that Rodg here just had too much cold beer

and blew us a cool, stiff breeze right out of his butthole?

[Laughter]

-I don't care what you all think.

My daddy was a preacher.

And I know better than to be in here fooling with this stuff.

This is a house of the dead.

And I'm gettin' out now before it's too late.

-Wow, hey, take a whiff of that.

-What is that?

-It smells like roses.

-Hey, you know, I think we're smelling multiple ghosts here.

I've read about things like this.

-[Slow clap] That is something, Max.

I never knew you could read.

-No, really, Stooge, I'm not kiddin'.

I read all the time.

-Would you listen to me? They're not ghosts.

This house is not haunted, it's possessed.

-Ha! Possessed, man, haunted. Come on! Who gives a shit!

-What's the difference between possessed and haunted?

-A haunted house is a house with ghosts in it,

the spirits of people who've died.

But the spirits living in a house possessed

have never existed in human form.

They've only existed in spirit form.

They're pure evil.

They're demons.

-[Laughs] Kids, come on,

you can't really believe this place is possessed?

-[Chuckles] Nah, just repossessed.

[Laughter]

-Chills.

♪♪

-For tonight anyway.

-Maybe Rodger's right.

Maybe we should leave.

-Aw, come on, let's hang out.

-Yeah, eat a bowl of fuck!

I am here to party!

-Yeah! -Me, too.

Just because one lame wuss wants to bail

doesn't mean we ace this party.

-I want to go, too.

-We'll need a ride.

-Hey, don't look at me, pal,

my cruiser's sittin' in a ditch two miles from here, huh?

Hey, you know, you could spend the night in it, though,

if you wanted to. Ooh!

-Here, Rodg, take Angie's car.

-Hey, what the fuck do you think you're do--

-Chill out, hon.

It's your party, you ain't goin' anywhere.

-Thanks, Suzanne.

-Don't mention it.

I don't care if you're a chicken shit.

Just remember to open the gate before you drive through it.

[Laughter]

-Bye, Rodg.

-Drive carefully, you guys.

-Let's party.

-Aw-whoo! -Yeah.

-Yeah, well you guys can count us out.

Judy and I have some exploring to do.

-Yeah, great idea.

Let's see what kind of action we can dig up

in this glorious old dump, huh, cutie?

-I don't know, Jay. -Oh, come on, Judy.

Who knows, maybe we'll be able to find a little privacy.

Hey, we'll check you guys out later.

Don't do anything stupid while we're gone, huh?

-Yeah, right, you all say hi to Casper for me.

[Chuckles]

-Well, this party's gettin' down to the cream now.

-I think I'm gonna go find the bathroom.

-Mm, good idea, I'll go, too, to protect ya.

-Oh, no thanks, I'd rather take Stooge.

-Stooge?

-Hey, you heard the lady, man.

She wants a real man guardin' her charms.

-Stooge is a fat pig.

-Maybe I'm in the mood for pork tonight.

-[Snorts]

♪♪

[Whooshing]

♪♪

♪♪

-I'm into all sorts of things tonight.

-I'll tell you what, babe,

I'll hold yours if you hold mine.

-I don't fuckin' believe this.

♪♪

-Okay.

Okay. So, let me describe what I think just happened.

All 10 cast members are getting sexed up and alcoholic

from the groovy dancing in the funeral parlor when, wham,

the boom box goes out. So creepy Angela suggests

they have a séance instead, only instead of a Ouija board,

which is what they used in Kevin Tenney's last movie,

"Witchboard," this time they use a mirror,

and it's a mirror that all of a sudden

Angela knows the rules for.

Everybody stares into it until it clouds up all black.

And it shows Angela in a past life and it does go black.

And then it shows some kind of a Chinese dragon demon

sneering at everybody,

but especially Helen, who gets freaked out.

But by then, the mirror has floated to the ground

and broken into a jillion pieces.

But the broken pieces are big enough

to show the faces of the entire cast

in a shot that Kevin Tenney spent half a day working on.

And then there's these metallic sounds coming from downstairs

and a demon in the form of a point-of-view camera

pushes through an incinerator and rushes up through

all the hallways of the house and jumps into Suzanne's mouth,

in the process, lighting up the fireplace

and infecting the whole house with a rank smell

that Angela thinks is a sign of demonic manifestation,

but Stooge thinks is Roger farting.

And then, they all have an argument

about whether the house is haunted.

And Angela has to explain that the house is not haunted,

it's possessed.

And sensible Judy asks what that means,

and Angela explains that a possessed house

has never existed in human form, only spirit form.

Huh?

[Chuckles]

And then, Suzanne starts speaking in a male voice

while Stooge says, "Eat a bowl of fuck.

I came here to party,"

a line that will be quoted to that guy

and about that guy for the rest of his life,

even though "Eat a bowl of fuck" is not his line.

That's the line invented by John Belushi

that got him suspended

from the cast of Chicago's Second City for two weeks

because he was told not to say it,

so he said it anyway.

And then, everybody splits up for various reasons,

presumably to have sex, except Suzanne and Angela linger behind

so they can share a big fat demon kiss.

Does that about sum it up, Darcy.

Darcy, Get out here. You're reading too much mail.

Does that about sum it up?

-I think it does.

-All right. Was that a great kiss or what?

-It looked like it. -All right.

Well, let's -- let's just ask 'em.

Let's ask 'em how it was for them.

Ladies and gentlemen, Linnea Quigley

and Amelia Kinkade, better known as Suzanne

and Angela, here in person tonight.

-Come on up, you demon women.

[Cheers and applause]

[Horns honking]

All right. -Whee!

-Yeah!

-Welcome to "The Last Drive-In."

Amelia, you kissed the reigning scream queen of 1988.

How was that kiss? -Oh.

I loved it and the night is young.

[Cheering]

-And, Linnea, you have had many memorable entrances

in the course of your 9,000 movies

that you've made over the years.

But you realize that your butt was about --

was about 40 feet high

when we first see you on the Mahoning screen.

-I did not realize that I was at the drive-in with my then-beau,

and all of a sudden, I saw this big ass on the screen,

and I'm like, "Oh, my God, that's me."

-[Laughs] But, Linnea, you were --

Be honest, though, you were never shy about getting naked.

-No, I like to do that. -Really?

[Cheering]

But I want you both to be honest with me now, though.

-Okay. -Do either one of you know

what is exactly is going on in this movie?

Linnea, you go first. What's going on in the movie?

-A bunch of chaos.

I don't know what's going on in the movie.

I just knew my lines. That's all I knew.

-All right.

Amelia, do you have any idea what's going on in the movie?

-Hell, I got typecast as a bad girl.

I don't know how that possibly could have happened.

-Well, you are -- you are pretty fucking bad.

-Well.

-And, Amelia, you were known as the queen

of the sexy rock video.

You had an especially famous one for stray cats, right?

And were there a lot of hot dancers in Hollywood in the days

of "Solid Gold" and "Flashdance" and all those shows like that?

You must have known all the dancers, right?

-It was so phenomenal.

It was such an incredible time to be a dancer.

'Cause when I got there, it was -- it was

just on the very brink of the break-dancing scene.

That was just coming in.

So we were coming from ballet companies and modern companies,

and we got to completely and totally cut loose.

And every time I cut loose, my dances got cut.

And they ended up on the cutting room floor.

-Oh. -And, so, the reason I took --

one of the reasons I took the movie --

one of the reasons I took the movie

is because I got to be scary,

which was fabulously fun. But I said,

"You let me do whatever I want in this dance scene,

and I'll take the role." -Okay.

-And, Linnea, you had already starred in

"Return of the Living Dead."

[Cheering]

-I want to ask you,

is that the role that most people remember you for?

-I think that is the role.

-Is that the first one they mention?

-I think that's the one where they remembered me from.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

-Okay.

-I think remember you from this one.

-This is a pretty big one, too, though. Okay.

-The lipstick. -Oh. Oh.

-I don't want to give that away.

-Oh, impaled on reindeer antlers.

You know, we reproduced your scene

from being impaled on reindeer antlers.

I impaled Darcy on reindeer antlers.

-That is so great. I know.

-You were not available. We did a shot for shot. Okay.

-Did they move like mine did?

Every time you breathe, they moved.

-[Laughs] -I'm sure yours moved a lot.

-All right.

Well, we've already seen you driving the males wild

with your dancing, Linnea.

And we're about to see the Angela demon dance.

-Ooh! -And, Darcy, do you know how

to do the Angela demon dance?

All three of you are dancers.

-I practice it in my bedroom every night.

-Really? -Yeah.

-Okay. All right. Well, good, because I think

that there might be some demon dancing on this very location.

[Cheering]

In the very near future. So back to the movie.

And, Linnea, to this day,

you are one of the most popular women in horror, like, ever.

Because I see you at the conventions

and I always wonder -- I always wonder

what the guys are saying when they come up to you.

But I have this question for you

because we were talking about it at the last break.

-Okay. -All right.

Do they ever say, "Do you have sour balls?"

-Yes, they do. They do. -Okay. See! I told you.

-You are right. -I told you you could say that.

-It still doesn't make sense.

-I was going to say it, but Darcy talked me out of it.

-Do you have sour balls?

[Laughter]

-That makes sense.

-It would have been a bad move to say that?

-Really, it's like kind of a come-on line, right?

-Really? Okay. Well, see, I could have said it.

Anyway, this movie is interesting because you know

how they say some movies are a director's movie

and some movies are a writer's movie

and some movies are a producer's movie.

Well, they do. They say that.

So this may be the only movie I've ever seen where you can say

that the real auteur of the movie

is the special effects makeup artist.

And his name was Steve Johnson,

and he had just started up his special effects business,

and this was his first job on his own.

And before that, he was an assistant on big movies

like "Big Trouble in Little China"

and "Ghostbusters" and "Videodrome."

But this was his breakout film, and he was determined

to show off. And you don't see it yet

because we're not far enough into the film,

but after a certain point, every shot in this movie

belongs to Steve Johnson.

And, Linnea, you want to finish the story?

-Well, I ended up marrying him.

[Laughter]

-Yes.

-She married him after he plastered her chest.

I wanted him. I had a crush on him.

The next thing you find out,

he's rubbing plaster all over her naked breasts.

-Well, of course he is! -I mean, it's all over for me!

Forget about it. -Oh, my God.

But then, we had the kiss, and it was just all confusing to me.

-Okay. All right. Yes, you did.

So, did I say, "Roll the movie," yet?

I think I said, "Roll the movie" three hours ago.

So, go, roll the movie.

And we're going to go into the backstage

hanky-panky at the next break.

-Ooh. -[Laughs]

[Cheers and applause]

-Jeez.

-Hey, you know what?

This reminds me of a great story.

-You know, I think we've heard enough stories for one night.

-No, come on, let's hear it.

-All right, but only because you asked.

-[Sighs]

-Oh, God, this one better be it or I'm gonna water the hallway.

-No, try this one. -What?

[Door creaks]

Well, all right, Suzie Q!

How did you know this?

-Ladies before germs.

[Laughs]

-No, wait, um...

[Knocking]

I thought -- Well, I thought maybe w-we might

could go in there together? Huh?

Fuckin' party.

♪♪

♪♪

Whoa, Jesus! Fuck! Shit! Shit!

Oh!

-Yeah, but even before the first White settlers colonized

this area, this strip of land already had a bad rep.

-Sure, Max. -Mm-mm.

For centuries, the ancient Indian tribes

that used to live around this area would never set foot

on this side of the underground creek.

Even back then, they said the land was unclean.

-Right, Max. And I suppose the ghost

of an ancient Indian told you that.

-No, Mrs. Porter down at the library

gave me a book that one of the earlier settlers wrote.

I mean, you cannot believe all the cool shit

that used to go down here. -Yeah, especially since

they didn't have any indoor plumbing, right?

[Scoffs]

-No, really.

A young brave got lost

and settled here with his family by mistake.

Anyway, they found him three weeks later

sitting under a tepee he made out of his squaw's intestines

and chewing on the leg of his papoose.

-Oh, gross. -I've never heard

so many disgusting stories in all my life.

-Oh, um, you know, I-I think it's time

that, you know, Frannie and I did some exploring on our own.

-Happy Halloween.

-Happy hunting. -Yeah, this place is big enough.

I'm sure we'll find somethin' interesting to do, right?

-[Gasps, laughs]

-Well, Alice, looks like we're all alone in Wonderland.

Well, what gives?

-Not here, Jay.

-What do you mean, "not here"?

-This place, it's -- it's too creepy.

-Well, that's the whole idea.

You're supposed to be jumping into my arms.

-Just hold me.

-Where the fuck is the Goddamn gate?

We came in through a gate, didn't we?

This just doesn't make sense.

-Give up already.

-Give up? Now, what kind of talk is that?

There was a gate here.

And if we just keep following this damn wall,

we're bound to find it.

-Look, we've already been around it twice.

Don't you understand, Rodg? We're dead.

We've all died and gone to hell.

-What are you talking about?

Are you goin' crazy on me, girl?

Look, if that's all that's on your mind,

you just better shut that mouth of yours.

Shit! Hell, my ass!

There is a gate here.

There is!

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, sweet mother.

Helen?

Helen!

This isn't funny, girl.

♪♪

Helen? Where the hell did she go?

-[Ghostly] Rodger.

Rodger. Rodger.

Rodger.

-Oh, heaven help me.

-[Demonic] Rodger!

♪♪

♪♪

-Jay, no.

-Judy, come on.

Quit the act, I know you've done this before.

-What?

-I saw the way you jumped to Sal's aid.

-Jay, what are you getting at?

-I know all about you two.

-Oh, really. What do you know?

-Nothing.

I just know that you used to date Sal, that's all.

-Date him? I went out with him once.

-Once is all it takes.

I don't understand why you're acting like this.

Half the school knows about you and Sal,

so what's the big deal?

-Oh, so you think I slept with Sal

just because I went out with him.

-Didn't you?

-You know, that's none of your business.

-[Sighs]

-So, that's why you wanted to go out with me?

-Oh, come on, I thought you wanted it just as much as I did.

[Grunts]

[Groans] Jesus.

Fine, have it your way.

I'm out of here.

-Jay, wait.

Come on, Jay.

Jay!

♪♪

Come on, Jay!

♪♪

-Damn it, bitch, come on.

What'd you do, flush yourself down the fuckin' toilet,

or what?

♪♪

♪♪

Open the damn door already!

♪♪

[Bang, glass shatters]

Suzanne.

[Grunts]

[Water dripping]

What the fuck?

♪♪

[Bang] Jesus!

♪♪

Suzanne?

♪♪

♪♪

Dizzy bitch.

[Door closes]

-Hey, Ang, what the fuck are you doin' over there?

-Blessed be the sinners,

for the day of atonement is at hand.

-Say what?

-[Breathing raggedly]

-♪ Lying cross-checked in agony ♪

♪♪

♪ Stigmata bleed continuously ♪

♪ Holes in head, hands, feet, and weep for me ♪

♪♪

♪ Stigmata, oh, you sordid sight ♪

♪ Stigmata in your splintered plight ♪

♪♪

♪ Look into your crimson orifice ♪

♪ In holy remembrance in scarlet bliss ♪

♪♪

♪ Stigmata ♪

♪ Martyr ♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Clicking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪ In nomine patri et filii et spiriti sanctum♪

♪ In nomine patri et filii et spiriti sanctum♪

♪ In nomine patri et filii et spiriti sanctum♪

♪ In nomine patri et filii et spiriti sanctum♪

♪♪

-Whoa, Sal, easy man. A little jumpy, huh?

-Yeah.

-Well, all right, now the party's back.

And so is Stoogie.

-Hey, careful, man, she's actin' really fuckin' weird.

-Don't worry, Sal,

it ain't the weird ones you got to watch out for.

God, didn't your mom teach you nothin' about women?

Oh...

♪♪

[Chuckling] Oh.

♪♪

So, Ang, ya come here often? [Laughs]

-[Laughs]

♪♪

You know, Stooge, I never realized how sexy you are.

-[Chuckles]

-Kiss me.

-Oh. [Chuckles]

-♪ Inside each man, there's a sinner ♪

♪♪

-[Muffled screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

[Coughs]

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Chuckles]

[Applause]

♪♪

-All right. Amelia, that was awe-inspiring.

Not only can you dance like

an orgasmic demon animal contortionist,

but you can rip men's tongues out with your teeth

and spit them onto the floor.

And you did all that choreography yourself.

You were the choreographer on the film.

-I was. I was.

[Cheering] -Meanwhile, you, Linnea,

are locked in the bathroom, turning into a she-demon.

And a very sexy she demon.

So, I promised some demon dancing.

Right? And, so, I think we should summon Satan tonight.

-Sounds good. -And by the way,

the music for the Angela demon dance

was "Stigmata Martyr" by Bauhaus,

the English goth rockers.

And it's the only music in the movie that was not written

by Kevin Tenney's brother, Dennis Tenney.

But since we can't afford "Stigmata Martyr" --

Can we play "Stigmata Martyr"? No? Okay.

-That's a big-ass check.

-I know, you told -- It's $20,000, Right? Okay.

We're going to use John Brennan and the Bigfeet instead.

[Cheering]

-Come on, do you know any Satanic punk!

-All right, let's see. Let's see.

-We need Satanic punk. -Satanic punk, you say?

-I eat Satanic punk for breakfast.

-All right. That's what I thought.

-So, for those of you who want to get out of your cars

and do the demonic Angela dance,

the special demonic Angela dance

that we're going to do for this show,

please put your pants on before you get out of your car.

-You don't have to.

-But, Darcy, if -- All right.

Yeah. Get rid of this TV. We need a dance floor here.

So, Darcy --

-Oh, my God, are we're really dancing?

-What else did you think I'd take out of here?

-If you were going to do your personal version

of the Angela demon dance, show us a move.

-Are you kidding? In front of -- No.

-No, you show us the first move. Show us a basic move.

-Oh, my God. -Show us a basic move.

-You can do it. -Right out here.

Down stage center. Show us a basic move

that we would have to do in the Angela demon dance.

-Oh, my God. Just like, um...

It's hard to do in here. -Whoo!

-Yes! -Nice!

-All right. And, Linnea --

No, no, no. Stay there. Stay there. Stay right there.

And, Linnea, you are the expert in exploitation film dancing.

So get us up. Get up and show us what --

what would you add to the Angela demon dance repertoire?

-I would move it on up and move it on down.

-[Laughs] -Okay. All right.

And, finally, Amelia, you are the ultimate expert

because you were the choreographer.

You're the one that did the Angela demon dance.

You are a professional dancer.

So what have we left out of the Angela demon dance?

-I think we have to go and break your back.

[Cheering]

And break your back.

-Break your back. Okay. So...

So, John, those are the three

basic moves in the Angela demon dance

we're going to do tonight. What do you got for us?

-I think maybe I'll just add get possessed by a demon.

Okay? -Okay. What's that move?

-I know. -It goes like this.

-[Laughs] -Okay?

-Okay. So -- -So, yeah.

-Go ahead. Go ahead. -I think let's just start --

Let's start with a drum first. Let's just get the drum.

Let's practice, okay. -Okay.

And everybody out there, you can practice along with us, okay?

-All right. Down stage center, John.

-Yes, everybody. -Down stage center.

-Everybody up. -Show us how to do the dance.

-So here we go. We got the drum beat going.

You go, you do the Angela, you spin it all around,

move your body up and you move your body down.

You do the Angela, spin it all around.

Move your body up. -Okay.

-Move your body down.

Now you break your back like this.

You break you back, right? You break your back.

Oh, yeah. And get possessed by a demon.

Let's do it. Do the Angela.

Spin it all around. You move your body up

and you move your body down. Do the Angela.

Spin it all around.

Move your body up and you move your body down.

You break your back. -Break your back.

-You break your back. You break your back.

-Do it again.

Oh. -And get possessed by a demon.

Come on, do the Angela. Spin it all around.

Move your body up and you move your body down.

Do the Angela. Spin it all around.

Move your body up and move your body down.

Break your back. -Break!

-Break your back. -Boom.

-Break your back.

And get possessed by a demon.

[Cheering]

Come on, let's keep going. One more time.

Let's do it one more time. Do the Angela.

Spin it all around. You move your body up.

You move your body down. Do the Angela.

Spin it all around.

Move your body up. Move your body down.

Break your back. -Bang.

-Break your back. -Ugh!

-Break your back. -[Laughs]

-Get possessed by a demon. -Demon.

-That's it. That's the Angela. I think we got it.

-Yes! I think that...

-One more time, John. One more time.

-Oh, we're going to do it one more time.

-Break our back. -Let's get that drum.

Let's get that drum beat back on.

♪♪

Let's march in place to get the rhythm going.

Ready? -Joe Bob! Joe Bob!

-Ready? -I know.

-Do the Angela.

Spin it out one -- -Yes!

-Oh, Joe Bob. Come on, Joe Bob.

-Joe Bob, come on. -Come on.

-You got this. Get the beat. Get the beat.

March, march. -March.

-Yeah. [Scatting] Yeah.

-Whoo-hoo! -I'm gonna call it out.

I'm gonna call it out. Ready? Goes like this.

You do the Angela. You spin it all around.

You move your body up and you move your body down.

Do the Angela. You spin it all around.

Move your body up and you move your body down.

Break your back.

-Oh, my back. -Break your back.

-Back. -Break your back.

-Back. -And get possessed by a demon.

-You're a natural. That's good.

-That's the Angela. -Whoo-hoo!

-You did it. -Yahoo!

-I have no mic on.

-Oh, yeah.

-All right. All right.

Now, because we've done that dance in the open air

in Appalachia, redneck mutant demons

will pour down out of the hills and infect us

with strange political opinions.

But we will let it. So, back to the movie.

[Cheering]

Darcy, do that spin move one more time.

-No, I'm good. You do it. -We're good. We're good.

[Cheering]

[Water dripping]

-Suzanne, lights.

♪♪

-I'm fixing my face.

-Aw, shit, not you, too.

What, is everybody here on drugs or somethin'?

You know, you're a sweet lookin' babe, Suzanne,

but you and your friend, Ang,

are just a little too weirdo for me.

-I can't seem to get it right.

-No thanks, honey, I'm not that type of guy.

Good night, now, I'm going home.

-You are home, Sal.

-Unh-unh, this dirty dive don't spell home to me.

I live in a nice house, you know,

with plastic slipcovers on the furniture.

Enjoy your lipstick, dollface.

Good night.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Buttons clatter]

-My word, I can't believe all this stuff is still here.

-It's creepy in here.

-Don't worry, I'll protect ya.

-And who's gonna protect you?

-[Chuckles]

You know, I've never made it in a coffin before.

-Me neither.

So, what are we waitin' for?

[Chuckles]

[Water dripping]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Suzanne?

What are you doing?

Now, that's not a bad paint job.

But I think that it needs a little touching up.

Hey, when did the lights go on?

[Zipper unzipping]

[Object clatters]

Okay, forget the lights.

-Hey, Ang, I'm splittin'.

-Oh, there you are.

I was just warming my hands in the fire.

♪♪

-Holy shit!

♪♪

-Leaving so soon?

♪♪

[Creaking, thudding]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Thud]

-Jeez, what an asshole.

Stooge, I know that's you, man.

Only a fat slob like you could shake this car so much.

[Distant creaking and thudding]

[Screaming]

♪♪

-[Humming]

♪♪

♪♪

-Yeah.

All right.

Look at you.

Come here.

♪♪

-Uh-huh. Mm.

-Ahh.

[Both moaning]

-What are you looking at?

-What?

-Is my makeup okay?

-Are you crazy? What are you talkin' about?

-Stop staring at me.

-Damn it, Suzanne, your makeup is fine.

Come on, what are you worried about?

Aah! Jesus Christ!

-[Demonic] Stop looking at me!

-Aah! Goddamn it!

Gah!

[Screaming]

-[Gasps]

[Breathing heavily]

-What was that?

-Uh, it's more party games.

-Ow, Max, I don't bend that way.

-Ah, shit.

Damn it, this is worse than my brother's VDub.

Hey, man, get the fuck out of here!

-[Growls] -[Screams]

-No! No!

No, holy shit! No, Stooge!

No, Stooge, no!

Not -- No!

♪♪

No, please. Aah!

No, no, no! Aah!

No!

[Distant creaking]

-Welcome back, Rodger.

[Demonic laugh]

♪♪

-Aah! Sal, move!

♪♪

Aah!

S-Something... It's -- It's Angela, man!

-Sh-She's -- She's -- -Hey, hey, I know, I know.

I know there's some really weird shit going on around here.

-Something happened to Helen.

-What do you mean?

-[Sobbing] I don't know, man, I don't know.

-Hey, hey, hey, it's gonna be okay, man.

It's gonna be okay, man. We're gonna get outta here, man.

We're gonna get outta here. We're gonna get outta here.

-[Raspy breathing]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Growling softly]

-Jay?

Jay, is that you?

Jay?

Let me out of here.

-This way, Rodger, come on, follow me.

-Jay.

♪♪

-Shit, man.

-Come on.

I knew we shouldn't have come here.

We're never gonna get out of here, man.

-Shut up, Rodg, shut up, I swear I'm gonna slug you!

♪♪

[Banging on door]

-Help! Somebody get me out of here.

-Hold it! How do we know it's really her?

-Come on. Judy?

-Yeah, Sal. Please get me out of here.

-Sure thing, Judy, stand back.

-Wait! What if it's not her?

-Come on, Rodg, who else could it be?

♪♪

-[Growling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Growling]

♪♪

-Come on, get up, Judy! -I can't!

-[Growling] -Come on!

-I can't!

-Yes, you can! Come on!

♪♪

[Ghostly whispering]

-Hey, there's no boards on it.

♪♪

-[Screams]

-Hey, how about an orgy?

I'm sure, if we try, we can get Jay hard again.

-Run, Judy! Run, Judy, run!

-[Growls]

-[Screaming]

♪♪

-Run, Judy, run.

See Judy run.

[Cackles]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaks]

♪♪

[Door closes]

-[Panting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Whimpering]

[Screaming]

♪♪

-[Moaning]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Cheering]

-Okay. Okay.

You see what I mean about this being a special effects

tour de force for Steve Johnson?

Let's just go over the stunning visual moments

in just this last sequence.

We had Angela's hands on fire.

We had Helen's dead face planted into the windshield of the car

Roger is sleeping in.

We had Suzanne with green demon eyes

gouging out Jay's eyeballs with her thumbs

while they're having sex.

We have Frannie's neck twisted off by demon Stooge

as she's having sex with Max in a coffin,

followed by Max getting his arm hacked off

by the lid of the coffin.

We have Angela floating through hallways, hissing and growling

and lolling her tongue like the she-demon she is.

We have Max's severed arm attacking Judy's ankle.

We have Max and Frannie emerging from the coffin as zombies.

And above all else, we have this stupendously awesome

special effect of Linnea Quigley,

as Suzanne, making a lipstick disappear into her nipple.

Linnea... -Whoo!

Hell yeah.

-Linnea, one of the all-time

favorite special effects scenes in horror.

Was that the point at which you fell in love with Steve Johnson?

-I think, yeah,

that was a turning point in my life, I think.

-I guess, if you're making "Night of the Demons,"

the practical effects guy pretty much

has to put his hands all over you, right?

-Of course. And you know, you have to date

or marry the person after that. It's like a crazy experience.

-All right. And Amelia, I wanted to ask you about those scenes

where you appear to be floating through the house.

How was that done?

-Well, it's a secret.

-Aw.

-It was roller skates.

-You were on roller skates?

-Oh, yeah, I was on roller skates.

-Okay, well, it looks really cool.

-It looks amazing. And all they did was push me,

and I was like, "Aah!"

Fortunately, they dubbed my voice,

so you couldn't hear me screaming.

But that was it.

-Okay, well, the only character

who doesn't seem to be carried away

by the festivities is Sal, played by Billy Gallo,

who has one of the best lines in the movie when he says,

"Hey, I live in a nice house with plastic

slipcovers on the furniture." You know?

Meaning he doesn't do anything as kinky

as these other people, you know?

But "Night of the Demons" was Kevin Tenney's second feature.

The first picture he made was "Witchboard,"

which got much better reviews, and in fact,

I want to -- I want to -- I got to read this quote.

This is a quote from "The New York Times" review

of "Night of the Demons."

"'Night of the Demons' is stupid."

[Laughs]

That's how it starts. "It is sexist.

At 89 minutes, it feels unforgivably long.

And it is just the most obvious mark

of the film's total ineptitude

that a story clearly marked for Halloween

is arriving in time for Thanksgiving.

But at least it gives you something extra

to be thankful for -- not seeing this piece of trash.

You might as well be grateful for small favors."

Okay, well, you'll be happy to know

that the public did not agree.

"Night of the Demons" was a hit all over the world.

[Cheers and applause]

But when Kevin Tenney

got the original script from Joe Augustyn,

Philly's own Joe Augustyn, the title was "Halloween Party."

So Moustapha Akkad, the owner of the "Halloween" franchise,

got really upset when he heard about that title,

and he threatened legal action.

Well, you can't really own the word Halloween.

And, so, the producer told him, "Look,

we already have insurance that will cover us

in case you file a stupid lawsuit against us."

And Moustapha Akkad said, "Okay,

maybe you would beat me in a lawsuit,

but it will take so long to win that lawsuit that your insurance

will never again be as cheap as it is today.

So, this is apparently how producers talk

to each other in Hollywood. So they changed it

because they did not want to deal with Moustapha Akkad.

The distributor wanted to call it "Demon Boogie."

[Laughter]

Which I kind of like that title.

But nobody else liked the title.

Kevin Tenney brought in 50 titles,

and the one that got picked by the producers

was "Night of the Demons."

The budget was under $1 million

and they lucked into that house in downtown LA.

Don't go looking for the house, though,

'cause it was torn down for a Ralphs supermarket.

And they say the frozen food section

of that Ralphs supermarket is demon possessed to this day.

So beware those Jimmy Dean

breakfast sandwiches if you shop there.

But they do a great job making the house look like

it was out in the middle of nowhere.

It was actually surrounded by buildings.

It was surrounded by heavy traffic.

It was all done with shooting it from the right angles.

And, actually, I haven't talked much about Kevin Tenney.

I should say a little bit about Kevin Tenney, the director.

I've known Kevin for years.

He used to be a regular at these Tuesday night spaghetti suppers

they had at this dive Italian restaurant on Melrose Avenue.

And all the character actors

would come to these spaghetti suppers on Tuesday night.

And if you love tough guy character actors,

which you know -- which I do, I love you.

So I love Kevin because he loved tough guy character actors.

So he was a military brat who went to USC film school.

He made "Witchboard," "The Cellar,"

"Witchtrap," "Peacemaker" with Robert Forster,

another regular at Maddy's on Melrose.

"Brain Dead, the one about the people stranded in

a desert fishing lodge that's besieged by zombies.

You know, "Brain Dead." The second "Arrival."

The 2009 "Bigfoot."

Yes. He made a cutesy family film called "Bigfoot."

Kevin always has a movie in the works,

but his directing style is just all over the lot.

He makes all kinds of -- He made "Pinocchio's Revenge."

-[Gasps] -Isn't that one of yours?

That's one of your favorites, right?

-Yes. -"Pinocchio's Revenge."

-I love that. -Are you the only fan

of "Pinocchio's Revenge"? -No, right?

-I don't think "Pinocchio's --" -Thank you.

-All right. "Pinocchio's Revenge" fans.

-Go, "Pinocchio's Revenge." -Right here at the Mahoning.

But I should be asking Linnea and Amelia,

how is Kevin to work with? -On a shoestring,

he put some of the most innovative scenes on film

that that hold up today. -Like the one where

the mirrors broken... -With a broken mirror.

-...and then you can see the cast

in the broken pieces of mirror. -And he had to place

each one of us so that the camera didn't show.

It was really tricky.

And there were so many things that he created

because this is the beauty of low budget.

There was no money. -Yeah.

-So you've got to be incredibly creative.

I mean, at one point, Steve Johnson was off camera

smoking cigarettes, blowing the smoke frantically into tubes.

The tubes were laced through my dress,

and the cigarette smoke starts wafting out of my wrists.

-Wow. -Of the dress.

So, I mean, it was really like, you know, making a movie out

at the Mahoning Drive-in in the rain.

[Cheering]

-And you know, I'm free later, just in case.

Just so you know.

-What about you, Linnea? How was working with Kevin?

-I thought it was really fun working with Kevin.

He just kind of let us go with our characters,

and we had a ball with it.

-Well, he had to let you go with them.

There were 10 characters. -That's right. That's right.

-He had no time. -Right.

-Okay. Well, there you have it,

straight from the she-demon's mouth.

One more question, though, ladies.

How come some of the people in the movie

transform into demons, but others just die?

-Budget.

-Budget?

[Laughter]

Okay. Thank you. All right.

Darcy, are you getting questions and comments from the audience?

-I am. -From the drive-in audience,

because we actually have a drive-in mail basket over here.

-Bring us your questions. Please.

-If you have mailbag,

please bring it up and put it in Austin's mail basket,

and Darcy will get the question and give it to me.

We'll deal with those at the next break.

So, back to the flick. What?

-We're going to roll it. -Oh, oh! We're running --

We're running to the end? -Yeah.

-All right. No fifth break in this movie.

There is no next break.

But, so, now for the thrilling conclusion.

[Laughter]

[Cheering]

-Good save, good save.

-"Night of the Demons." So, thanks, Linnea.

Thanks, Amelia. Please show your appreciation.

-Thank you. -Whoo!

[Cheers and applause]

-Whoo-hoo! -This is...

-Thank you.

-We have the entire she-demon squad

from "Night of the Demons."

And does anybody remember the tag line for this movie?

What the poster said?

We had it on the standees at the box office.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

"Angela is having a party.

Jason and Freddy are too scared to come...

But you'll have a hell of a time."

Now, notice they don't mention Michael Myers, no doubt

because of the litigious Moustapha Akkad.

But so corny. But people loved this tag line.

And speaking of corny, how many movies have you seen

where people have sex in a coffin? All right?

79? 134?

And how many movies have you seen

where they just laugh and play

and have sex in the coffin and get out of the coffin

and it's a cute little interlude?

Zero, right? So, if you get in the coffin,

you do not come out of the coffin.

It seems like they would notice this even as teenagers.

Not that anybody in this movie was a teenager.

-No.

-Linnea, were there any actual teens in the cast?

-I think Philip Tanzini was the closest to a teen,

but not a teen. -Really?

-I was like 25. -You were 25 when you made it?

-Yes. -All right.

Well, once you slather on that demon makeup,

though, everybody's the same, right?

And most of the cast is in the demon makeup

for most of the movie. -Yes.

-So, what was your longest makeup day?

-Probably 13 to 14 hours.

-Just doing the makeup? Just doing the makeup, yes.

-Wow. Well, it was worth it, you know.

-Yes.

-'Cause you both made -- What was your longest makeup day?

-Well, same, I would say.

I mean, they took -- When I got hot slimed over half my body --

So the demon makeup was six hours,

the slime another three, so that was nine hours.

And then, we'd stay up and shoot all night.

And then, it was method acting. -Yes.

-Because after you've been wearing that all night,

you're ready to kill everybody. -Really?

But I'm sure, in the long run, it was worth it

because you both made salaries in the high two figures, right?

-Yes. Yes. Two-five. -Yeah.

-26 bucks. 27 bucks, something like that.

-After taxes? Yes.

-$12. -Yes. $12.

[Cheering]

♪♪

-[Groans]

An air shaft?

No wonder why there weren't any boards on the window.

Can't get the fuck outta here.

[Grunts]

Thank heaven for water pipes.

♪♪

♪♪

[Distant jingling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaking]

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasping]

Rodger!

-[Growls] -[Screams]

♪♪

-[Growls] -[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Growls softly]

♪♪

♪♪

-Judy! -[Gasps]

-Judy!

-Shh.

-Judy, look out!

-Enjoying the view?

-Judy!

♪♪

-[Screams]

♪♪

-[Grunts]

Aah!

[Thud]

-[Whimpering]

Oh, God, please don't let me fall!

-Judy, work your way over this way.

-[Whimpering]

-Come on, Judy.

Yeah, come on, just a little further.

-[Whimpering]

I can't do it!

-Yes, you can!

Come on, woman, do it!

Don't look down, girl.

-Oh, Sal!

-Come on. You're almost home.

God! Judy, hurry up!

♪♪

-[Screams]

-Ugh!

You all right?

-Yeah, I think so.

-[Growls] -Oh, shit!

-[Screams]

♪♪

-Oh, don't tell me you're leaving?

Sal wanted to go, but he decided to stick around.

[Evil laugh]

♪♪

-Oh, my God!

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Growling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Door slams]

[Both breathing heavily]

[Laughing]

-[Sobbing]

-Shh, shh, Rodg, come on, it'll be all right.

Please don't cry.

We're gonna make it.

I know we're gonna make it.

-You really think so?

-You already saved my life once tonight, didn't you?

That had to be for something, right, Rodg?

-I guess so.

-There's a door.

Look, Rodg.

Maybe we can get out.

-A door? -Yeah, look.

-Judy...

Wait, don't!

-We can't wait, Rodg.

We gotta try.

There's no other way out.

-First, let's pray.

My daddy, he told me how to pray real good.

Come on.

-I've been praying all night, Rodg.

We gotta go now.

[Door clicks, creaks]

♪♪

My God, what is this?

There's all this pipe running along the wall.

It's weird.

[Water dripping]

[Eerie music plays]

♪♪

[Dramatic music plays]

[Whimpers]

-What, what's wrong?

-[Breathing heavily]

It's an oven.

-A what?

-It's an oven, Rodg.

This is a crematorium.

[Banging, eerie growling]

[Banging, growling intensify]

[Growling]

-Open the door, Rodg.

We don't want you. We want the bitch.

You know we'd never hurt a nice little boy like you.

-Go to hell, you dirty bastards!

-Well, not tonight, my boy. Oh, no, not tonight.

Rest assured we've got something wonderful planned for you.

So much pain. So much sorrow.

-Did you hear what they said, Rodg?

"Not tonight."

They won't go to hell tonight because...

because it's Halloween, right?

That's why they won't go to hell tonight, right?

Because it's the one night of the year they don't have to.

Remember what Helen said, Rodg?

Didn't she say that tonight's a special night of evil?

Remember?

Didn't she say that tonight's the one night of the year

when all things unclean are free to roam among us?

Remember?

That's what she said, Rodg, right?

I think if we just hang out here until -- till dawn,

we'll be all right.

-Yeah. Yeah.

I-I bet you're right.

-Judy...

[Metal clinks]

-Oh, dear God, no.

♪♪

-I warned you this house was possessed, didn't I?

-We can't let them get us, Rodg.

We can't give up, Rodg.

♪♪

[Metal clinks]

We've gotta find a weapon.

A pipe!

♪♪

[Grunting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Hissing]

Gas!

[Grunting]

[Metal clinks]

♪♪

[Door rattling]

♪♪

[Lighter clicking]

♪♪

♪♪

[Door bangs]

-[Growling]

[Screaming]

[Screaming continues]

-I can't stop it, Rodg! Help me!

Please come and help me!

Find the valve, Rodg, the valve!

[Breathing heavily]

[Dramatic music plays]

-[Screams]

-Rodger, wait!

♪♪

[Doors creaking, slamming]

♪♪

[Creaking, slamming continue]

♪♪

[Breathing heavily]

Rodger!

-We can't get out. We can't get out!

-Rodger.

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

-Judy... -Oh, Jay, no!

-Why hast thou forsaken me?

-What's the matter, Judy?

Don't you like your blind date?

-[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Growling]

♪♪

-You won't get me!

♪♪

-Rodger!

-[Growling]

♪♪

-I'm alive.

I'm alive!

♪♪

-[Breathing shakily]

♪♪

-You made it! We're out!

-No, Rodg, we have to get past the wall.

♪♪

We have to cross over the underground stream.

♪♪

[Breathing heavily]

-Where you going? -We have to get to the gate!

-There is no gate. -The gate's over here, Rodg!

-There is no gate, come on!

-Ow!

Ow! [Sobs]

-[Growling] Rodger...

-[Groaning]

♪♪

[Screaming]

[Grunting]

♪♪

Judy, give me your hand. Come on.

-[Groans, whimpers]

♪♪

[Grunting]

♪♪

-[Growling]

♪♪

-Oww! Rodger!

[Sobs]

-[Growling]

-[Sobbing]

Help me, Rodger!

-[Snarling]

-[Screaming]

[Hissing]

[Screaming continues]

♪♪

♪♪

-Judy, Rodger, where ya going?

The party's just begun.

-[Screaming]

♪♪

-Rodger! Rodger!

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

Help, Rodger, help!

[Screaming continues]

♪♪

Rodger, help!

[Whimpering]

♪♪

-Climb, girl, climb!

♪♪

[Screaming continues]

♪♪

[All snarling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Wind howling]

-[Growling]

[Growling intensifies]

[Screeching]

[High-pitched tone]

♪♪

♪♪

[Leaves crunching]

-Rotten pig trash.

Been out all night, huh?

[Chuckles]

Eh, they'll all rot in hell.

[Scoffs] Kids.

[Birds chirping]

-Good morning, dear.

-Yeah, what's so good about it?

-Better drink your coffee before it gets cold.

-Eh.

-Is it good, dear?

-Eh, it's okay.

-Just okay?

You used to love my homemade pies.

-Homemade?

When did you make this?

-I've been up for hours, sleepyhead.

I made it while you were getting your beauty rest.

-Last night?

-There weren't as many trick-or-treaters last night.

Not like the good old days.

I had to do something with all those leftover apples.

I still can't understand why you buy so many.

♪♪

-Ugh! Aah!

[Shouting]

[Groans]

♪♪

[Smooches]

-Happy Halloween, dear.

♪♪

-♪ Here we stand on the edge of it all ♪

♪ Can you feel like a winner? ♪

♪ We built it so high, we can't stand the fall ♪

♪ Inside each man, there's a sinner ♪

♪♪

♪ If we live for the hour ♪

♪ If we live for the next billion years ♪

♪ Down to the last man ♪

♪ We'll be fighting the beast inside ♪

♪ Down to the last man ♪

♪ Down to the last man ♪

♪ It's alive in our hearts, it feeds on our pride ♪

♪ The beast inside ♪

♪♪

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

♪♪

♪ Used to be, when a man lost his mind ♪

♪ The damage he did couldn't linger ♪

♪ But the rules have all changed ♪

♪ And the stakes have been raised ♪

♪ It could end with the touch of a finger ♪

♪♪

♪ Can hope spring eternal ♪

♪ Where mistakes can be larger than life? ♪

♪ Down to the last man ♪

♪ We'll be fighting the beast inside ♪

♪ Gonna face the beast tonight ♪

♪ Down to the last man ♪

♪ It's alive in our hearts, it feeds on our pride ♪

♪ The beast ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Aaaaaah, aah ♪

♪ Down to the last man ♪

♪ We'll be fighting the beast inside ♪

♪ It's down to the last man ♪

♪ Down to the last man ♪

♪ It's alive in our hearts, it feeds on our pride ♪

♪ The beast insii-iii-iiiiiide ♪

♪ The beast insii-iii-iiiiiide ♪

♪♪

[Cheers and applause]

-All right.

Okay!

I am not sure what it means

that the wife of the grumpy old man kisses him on the head

'cause she knew that there were razor blades in the apples.

But I'm assuming any other scene in the movie makes sense.

So, yeah, great ending!

That was Harold Ayer.

[Cheers and applause] [Laughs]

That was Harold Ayer as the old man.

He's a British character actor,

best known for being the son of Nat Ayer.

And Nat Ayer was one of the greatest songwriters of his era,

which was a long time ago.

Basically, the era of Edwardian musical comedy,

which I'm sure nobody here wants to hear about.

But Nat Ayer wrote songs like "Oh, You Beautiful Doll"

and "If You Were the Only Girl [In the World]"

and all the hit musicals at the Gaiety Theatre

in the West End of London, light operettas.

In the 30 years between the Gilbert and Sullivan operettas

that petered out in the 1890s

and the big American musicals that started in the '30s.

I just said nobody wants to hear about this

and here I am talking about it.

So, yes, I'm talking about Edwardian musical comedy

as a gloss on a gross-out,

death-by-eating-razor-blades scene.

D'Arcy! -Yes. [Chuckles]

-Did you get some mail from the audience?

-I did, yeah. -Okay.

[Cheers and applause] Get some of it ready.

-Okay. -Get some of it ready.

So, we had three excellent set pieces

in that final section of "Night of the Demons."

We had the part where Sal gets a stake through the heart,

and Judy is hanging off the side of the building.

We had the part where Judy and Rodger

use the gas pipe of the crematorium

to set zombie Stooge and zombie Angela on fire.

And we have the final clawing over the wall,

bloodying their hands on the barbed wire scene,

with Rodger overcoming.

It was actually kind of refreshing that they have

Rodger occasionally bursting into tears and cowering

and having to be comforted by Judy,

even though he's the survivor.

That's Alvin Alexis who played Rodger,

and he had come out to L.A. from New York

to try to make it as an actor, but he had totally given up

and he had his plane ticket back east.

And he got a call from his agent

telling him he could audition for this part.

But the audition was at the same time

his plane back home was taking off,

and he had a nonrefundable ticket.

So, if he didn't get the part,

he would be homeless on the streets.

So, he thought about it a long time

and he decided to risk it, and he got the part.

And that's Kathy Podewell who plays Judy,

also unknown at the time.

She was working as a waitress.

But she would later become fairly famous

on the long-running show "Dallas"

as J.R.'s hot second wife.

Um, did you...

Now, did you notice how much smoke they used in this movie?

Virtually every scene has smoke in it,

and it was partly to cover up the geography of the movie.

That house has no geography. You never know where you are.

You know, which kind of works for the story.

But it's no longer legal to use that smoke.

That's the nasty smoke from Hollywood's Golden Age,

and it wasn't meant to be used in those quantities.

So, people had weird mucus coming out of their bodies

after being in that smoke all day.

If you listen to the commentary track on this movie,

all the people talk about their blue boogers,

which is information I really could've done without.

However, I feel better now 'cause I've shared it with you.

So, the movie had a little bit of trouble with the MPAA.

They had to trim the scene where Angela bites off Stooge's tongue

and the scene where Linnea gouges out Jay's eyeballs.

Um, the flick...

They tested the flick on 18 screens in Detroit,

including -- it played at the famous

Ford-Wyoming Drive-in in Detroit, and it...

[Cheers and applause]

Yeah! Some Detroit people are here.

And it performed really well there,

so they moved on to 73 screens in L.A. on Halloween

and then 93 screens in New York City at Thanksgiving,

and history was made.

And Joe Augustyn, the writer,

was never quite satisfied with the film

because several major things got cut out of it.

The original opening had a priest blessing the audience

to protect them from the demons.

He had a gay couple going to the party.

That got cut.

He had Max filling his doctor's bag with real drugs.

That was cut.

He had Judy's little brother from the opening scene

sneaking into Hull House.

That was cut due to child labor laws.

And he had Judy and Rodger kissing.

That was taken out of the movie

as, quote, "ahead of its time."

So, and of course, there was a "Night of the Demons 2."

It came out in 1994.

Darcy, you're the sequel expert.

Did you see part two?

-Of course, yeah.

-"Night of the Demons 2." Did you like it?

-Yeah. -Okay.

-"Night of the Demons 3" in 1997.

Did you see that one? -I've seen it. It's...

-Not so good, huh? -Yeah.

-Okay.

Big question --

the remake in 2009.

-I love the remake.

-Of course you love the remake. -It's not better,

but it's still good.

-Is it better?

-It's not better, but it's really good.

-All right.

All right, let's open up the old viewer mail bag,

which in this case is random people

coming up from the crowd and handing questions to Darcy.

So, did you get some good ones? -I have a lot.

So, I wish I could ask you more than three, but...

-All right. Go ahead.

-The first one's from Instagram. It's, uh...

"My question for Joe Bob is,

what movie on the Video Nasty list is your favorite

and which disgusts you the most?"

From Chia from Jersey City, New Jersey.

-Okay. Um...

Well, I mean, obviously, "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre"

is gonna be my favorite Video Nasty list.

-Yeah. [Cheers and applause]

-Um...

The Video Nasties -- I mean, there were like 50 or 60 of them

from the -- that were banned in the U.K.

-72!

-72. Thank you. [Audience cheers]

Boy, you can't -- you can't fool this audience.

-True.

-So, um, the...

Probably the only one that was a little disturbing

to me at the time was "Faces of Death,"

because that was real people being shown

in their final moments. -Is it really?

-So, I would say, I have to say "Faces of Death."

I mean, no movie totally disgusts me.

But, but "Faces of Death," yeah.

-I'll accept that answer. -All right.

-Okay. -What else?

-What is your favorite silent horror film?

From Adam and Adriana in Monroe, Michigan.

-Well, you know, if you take film class,

they always say -- they always say

it's either "Nosferatu" or "Cabinet of Dr. Caligari."

But the one that's most fun is "Phantom of the Opera."

It would have to be "Phantom of the Opera."

Don't you think? -I like that answer.

-Yeah. "Phantom of the Opera."

[Light applause]

-It's a good one.

-There's 10 people here who watch silent films.

Okay? So...

-I love them. [Laughter]

All right. You ready? -Yeah.

-What is a horror trope you want to see more of?

And what's one that you never want to see again?

And I think it's from Eric Butts from Lexington, Kentucky.

-Okay. Lexington, Kentucky. -I think.

-A horror what? -Trope.

-A horror trope I never want to see again?

-And one that you want to see more of.

-Um, one I never want to see again

is people that are in a horror movie

talking about being in a horror movie.

How many of those have you...

-Only "Scream" can have it.

-That started with "Scream," and it's just, like,

way, way too much, you know?

It's like, I'll...

I watch a lot of recent films and, like,

that's, like, over and over and over and over again.

Um, what would I want to see...

What would I want to see more of?

People don't take time to do a proper exploding head.

[Cheers and applause]

You know? They cut away too fast.

Now, even Tom Savini in 1979

was doing extremely impressive exploding heads.

And then the exploding head has gotten worse and worse

and worse over the years. -That's true.

-Because people think,

"Oh, you want to do an exploding head?

Nah, it's been done before."

It hasn't been done wellbefore.

You know, you can always do a new one.

So, that would be my favorite.

That would be the horror trope I want to see more of.

All right. All right. We're gonna do this.

We're gonna do that again with the second movie

because the second movie is a giallo.

[Cheers and applause] All right?

And I'm sure we have some Italian movie lovers

here at the Drive-In, right? [Audience cheers]

So, you guys are gonna geek out all over the second movie.

And bring those questions right up to the stage,

and Darcy will process those questions.

And in the meantime, I'm Joe Bob Briggs,

and we have evidence right here

at the Mahoning Drive-in in Lehighton, Pennsylvania,

that indeed, the drive-in will never die.

[Cheers and applause]

-Okay.

Okay. Now.

I should have ended the show, but I have to annoy you, Darcy.

-Yeah, I know. [Chuckles]

-A priest, a Baptist minister,

and a rabbit... -Okay.

...walk into the Red Cross to donate blood.

Did you get that? -I got it.

-A priest, a Baptist minister, and a rabbit...

-A rabbit. -...are going to donate blood.

The nurse says, "What's your blood type?"

And the rabbit says,

"I'm probably a typo."

[Laughter and applause]

-Boo! Boo!

-They got it. They got it. -Boo. No, no, no, no.

-All right, all right.

Okay. All right. Here's an easy one.

Guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender,

"What's the Wi-Fi password?"

The bartender says, "You need to buy a drink first."

The guy says, "Okay. I'll have a beer."

Bartender says, "$8."

The guy forks over the $8

and says, "Okay, so what's the Wi-Fi password?"

The bar says, "You need to buy a drink first.

No spaces, all lowercase."

[Laughter]

-I like it better. I'll -- I'll take it.

[Applause]

♪♪

-♪ We are drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ Drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ We are not like other people ♪

♪ We are sick ♪ -♪ Sick ♪

-♪ We are disgusting ♪ -♪ Disgusting ♪

-♪ We believe in, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ If life had a vomit meter ♪

♪ We'd be off the scale ♪ -♪ Off the scale ♪

-♪ As long as one drive-in remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like jungle animals ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪