All language subtitles for The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs S22E01 The Last Drive-In Live From the Jamboree 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP2 0 H 264-BFM_track3_[eng]

[Insect buzzes]

[Chirping]

-They came over the mountains

and poured into
the Lehigh Valley

from the four corners
of America.

Mutants,
the lot of them, all gathered

together in the summer heat
under one banner --

the Jamboree.

-But what really had fans
pumped was

Joe Bob's Drive-In Jamboree.

Just a day before,
the theater supporters

kicked off a
Save the Mahoning Campaign

and pledged to fight the energy
company's push for this land.

-Just got the word
that the Mahoning property

has been optioned.

They have to demolish
that beautiful screen

and put solar panel farms
all over this property.

-But the mutants held strong,

knowing full well that
the drive-in will never die.

-Drive-ins rule.

But not like other people.

-They came by the hundreds
with their pets,

their kids,
and their finest black T-shirts.

Joe Bob's Drive-In Jamboree
was officially in full swing.

The music played on
while the hot dogs

did their eternal dance.

The living, the dead,
the undead, old friends and new.

For so many,
it was a genuine family reunion.

And at the center of it all,
there was Joe Bob and Darcy,

the Duke and Duchess
of the drive-in.

Lines to see them stretched on.

So many made
the mutant pilgrimage

that Darcy started
to lose her voice.

And Joe Bob's snakeskin boots
hissed on back.

[Thunder rumbles]

And then, the sky itself
opened up

and dropped its payload
on the mutants below.

-The rain ruined everything,

and I'm proceeding
to get drunk in my soup.

-The drive-in will never die
and the rain won't stop us.

-Amen.
-Yes.

-And, so, the faithful gathered
together across the soggy ground

in front of a strange tent
that blossomed overnight.

It looked like one of them
big tent revivals.

And in truth,
that's exactly what it was.

♪♪

[Insects chirping]

[Cheering]

[Applause]

[Playing theme song]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Cheers and applause]

[Cheering]

[Horns honking]

[Cheering intensifies]

-You know,

there's a lot of people
in America right now

telling other people
what they can do,

what they can say,
what they can't do,

what they can't say more
than I've ever seen it

in my lifetime.

And that has been
a long lifetime.

People telling us you're not
allowed to be yourself

or else we'll mess you up.

So, fortunately,
we're movie nerds.

So, we've seen too many movies.

We've heard Mel Gibson
give the "Braveheart" speech.

We remember when
Harry Dean Stanton said,

"I'd rather die on my feet than
live on my knees,"

in "Repo Man."

We remember when
Jack Nicholson said,

"They'll talk to you about
individual freedom,

but they see
a free individual,

it's going to scare them,"
in "Easy Rider."

We remember Marlon Brando
in "Guys and Dolls," saying,

"It is my understanding

that the Constitution
of the United States

allows everybody the free choice
between cheesecake and strudel."

And of course, we remember
the words of Halle Berry

as Catwoman --
"Freedom is power."

To live a life
untamed and unafraid

is the gift
that I've been given,

and so, we've been
given a gift, as well.

It's called the drive-in.

[Cheering, horns honking]

It's the place where all of us

go to celebrate the philosophy
of "Malcolm in the Middle."

You're not the boss of me now.

And sometimes we alter
that slightly.

You're not the boss of us,
so shut the fuck up.

[Cheering]

Hit it, John.

[Playing theme song]

♪♪

-♪ Hey, everybody,
have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in,
hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies,
so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties,
boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time
with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with
the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

-♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

-♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

-♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

-♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Yeah, let's go ♪

♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Joe Bob Briggs!

-Hey.
[Chuckles]

[Cheers and applause]

Oh.

Thank you, guys.

[Crowd chanting indistinctly]

You did that.
You did that.

Hey. Hey,
I'm Joe Bob Briggs.

And you know what
we're here to do, don't you?

We're at the Mahoning Drive-in
in Lehighton, Pennsylvania,

also known as the place out

where the bus
don't stop no more,

and we're about to party
like jungle animals

because that's what we do.

That's part of
the drive-in oath.

But you know what?
Less than a week ago,

this very drive-in was
threatened with extinction.

[Booing]

Yep.

But the people who were thinking
they were going to take it over

did not count on the power
of the mutant family.

[Cheering]

The Mahoning Drive Drive-in
is safe forever.

[Cheers and applause]

[Chuckles]

I want you to raise
your right hand...

-Yeah!
-...and repeat after me.

We are in mutants.

-We are in mutants.

-We are not like other people.

-We are not like
other people.

-We are sick.
-We are sick.

-We are disgusting.
-We are disgusting.

-We believe in blood...
-We believe in blood...

-...in breasts...
-...in breasts...

-...and in beasts.
-...and in beasts.

-If life had a vomit meter...
-If life had a vomit meter...

-...we'd be off the scale.
-...we'd be off the scale.

-We believe in Kung Fu City.

-We believe
in Kung Fu City.

-As long as one drive-in
remains...

-As long as one
drive-in remains...

-...on the planet Earth...
-...on the planet Earth...

-...we will party
like jungle animals...

-...we will party like
jungle animals...

-...we will boogie till we puke.
-...we will boogie till we puke.

-The drive-in will never die.
-The drive-in will never die.

-Amen.
-Amen.

-All right.

[Cheering]

All right. We're calling this

The Gathering of the Mutants
tonight.

We have gathered
all the drive-in mutants

from Eastern Pennsylvania
and points west.

I know a family that drove
in from West Texas.

Another group drove in
from Seattle.

And did they close the airport
in Seattle or something?

That is a long drive.

You know, that --
that minimum wage

went up to 15 bucks
an hour in Seattle,

and the airport
just couldn't survive.

But everybody said,
"Hey, you know,

I'm making 15 bucks an hour now.

We'll just drive
to Pennsylvania from here.

You know, Google Maps
says it's only 55 hours.

So, you know, let's do it.
Less if we play

'Cannonball Run' in the opposite
direction from the movie."

So, anyway, welcome to all
the Seattleites that are here.

You know, see,

I figured this would mostly
be people from Philly.

And, actually -- actually,
let's test that out.

Go Rangers,
go Mets, go Cowboys.

[Booing]
All right.

Okay. That's --
That's what I thought.

-E-A-G-L-E-S! Eagles!
-Okay. [Laughs]

Okay, good.
The city that booed Santa Claus.

I love it. You know,

we need to keep the great
American traditions alive.

Okay.
You know, actually, Austin,

I want to do --
I have a Philly story.

-All right?
-Is that okay?

I mean, we're going
to be here all night.

I can tell stories, right?
All right.

When I was 19 years old,
I got a summer job

working as a reporter
for "The Philadelphia Inquirer."

And on my first day
on the job,

I got disciplined for describing
the local waterway

as the Schuylkill River.

A very nasty city editor

directed me to
"The Philadelphia Inquirer"

style manual,
and it said,

"The name of the river
is not the Schuylkill River,

it's just the Schuylkill,

because the word 'kill'
in Dutch means 'river.'"

So if you call it
the Schuylkill River,

it's like saying
School River River.

And I was ashamed and abashed
and I promised to read up

on the local styles
and usages in Philadelphia.

So, now, years later,
I come back to Philadelphia

and I'm in a taxi
and I notice

that we're crossing
the Schuylkill.

And I'm not totally sure,
and so, I asked the cab driver,

"What's this body of water
we're going over?"

And he says,
"Schuylkill River."

And I say,
"Don't you mean the Schuylkill?"

And he says,
"Yeah, Schuylkill River."

So I made it my business
to go around

asking every native
Philadelphian that I could meet,

"What is the name
of the body of water

that runs past that museum
with the Rocky statue?"

And what do they all say?
Schuylkill River.

Meaning you were just fucking

with the Texas redneck,
weren't you?

You saw me coming
from a mile away and you went,

"We're going to tell him the old
Dutch usage thing.

He'll believe that,
he's from Texas, right?"

Okay. So, here we are decades
later on a magical July night

in the part of Pennsylvania

that's in
the Appalachian Mountains.

Okay. We're on the land
of my people now, aren't we?

You know, no Dutch
smartasses around here.

So, in fact, the name of
the river here was originally

the Lechewuekink,
Indian word.

And, so, the rednecks who
settled this place,

they just said, "Fuck that.
From now on, it's Lehigh."

You know, both words
start with an L.

That's enough Native American
history for us, you know.

But then, here's how woke
the rednecks of this valley are.

They purchased the body
of a Native American athlete.

All right.
I'm going to repeat that slowly,

because it's a lot to take
in all at once in one sentence.

The elected officials here
paid for the body

of Native American Olympic
athlete Jim Thorpe

when he died in 1953.

They brought the body here.
They built a mausoleum for him.

They changed the names
of two towns

to make the single town
of Jim Thorpe.

And a lot of you are probably
staying in Jim Thorpe,

aren't you?
So it's the final resting place

of the greatest Olympic
athlete in history,

whose spirit is probably
somewhat confused.

So, I mean, don't do any seances
while you're here, you know?

No Ouija boards.
We don't want any dead

Indian spirits
floating around the drive-in,

especially
Indian spirit decathletes

who can beat all our asses.

But, anyway, his tribe
and his family

have made several efforts
to get him exhumed

and sent to Oklahoma.

But the courts,
the Supreme Court actually said,

"Nope. He was brought here
fair and square.

His final resting place
is the Pennsylvania coal town

formerly known as Mauch Chunk."
So done deal, case dismissed.

But I just wanted to get across
how weird the people are here.

And that doesn't
surprise me because,

like I said,
they're my people.

But what they did
would sort of be like the Navajo

buying the body of Kobe Bryant
and shipping it to New Mexico.

And when they bury it,
they're naming the place

where they bury it
Kobe Bryant, New Mexico.

You know, it's that strange.

So my people, our people,

mutants everywhere
are surrounding us here.

Now, many of you have not been
to a drive-in since 1949,

the year
the Mahoning opened.

And, so, you may have forgotten
some of the rules.

And I've noticed you have.
For example,

turn off your gol-darn
headlights, you know.

I --

[Cheering]

I know you have a fancy car

that automatically turns on the
headlights when it gets dark.

Disable that fucker.
All right?

And the second rule,

when showing approval
of something you like,

light honking.

Beep, beep, beep.
-[Chuckles]

-Not ho-o-o-onk!

You know, the honk sound,
that's the sound you make

when the film breaks
or the sound goes out

or when Linda Blair
gets topless.

That's the only time
you can do that.

Or when Burt Reynolds
jumps that river

in the Trans Am in
"Smokey and the Bandit."

But otherwise,
light honking will suffice.

And, finally, if you have
any questions or comments

about the show
during the show,

you can let us know
the usual way by tweeting,

Facebooking, Instagramming,
or you can just scratch it out

on the back
of a Junior Mints box

and deliver it to
Darcy the Mail Girl.

Here she is,
ladies and gentlemen.

[Cheers and applause]

[Chuckles]

Darcy...

-Aw.

You guys.

-She's so fucking popular.

Darcy...

[Crowd chanting "Darcy"]
-Oh, my God.

How sweet.

-Oh.

-Wow.
-All right.

Darcy...

Darcy will be running
social media central

from her little cubbyhole
over here.

And, so, just fold it up
like a football

and pass it to her
like you did in sixth grade.

And we actually have
a little Darcy mailbox

around here somewhere where
you can put the question in.

And by the way, does anybody
ever eat Junior Mints

except when you're
at the movies?

I think every Junior Mints
box goes directly

from the candy factory
to movie theaters.

There is no retail sale
of a Junior Mint.

But put it
in a Junior Mint box

and put it in the --
in the box here.

And if you do communicate
with Darcy,

give us your name and hometown.

And, Darcy, why are you not
cosplaying

"Night of the Demons"?

-Oh, my God. You just --
You just gave away the title.

-I did give away the title.
All right.

"Night of the Demons."

You are --
-Whoo!

-You are correctamundo.

And not only do we have
"Night of the Demons,"

we have the two sexiest women
in "Night of the Demons"

as our special guests.

[Cheering]
-Whoo!

We have Linnea Quigley,
who spent most of the movie

in a pink tutu hiked up
to regions

where it's difficult
to get oxygen.

And we have Amelia Kinkade,
who played Angela,

the demon party hostess...
-Whoo!

-...who does an unholy dance
that makes you wonder

whether she wants to have sex
with you or kill you.

And by the time she finishes,
you don't care which it is.

So, Darcy, do you know
the "Night of the Demons"

fireplace dance?

-I do it every single time
I'm in a haunted house.

-Really?
-Yeah.

-You do not.
-I do. I promise.

-What about
the Linnea Quigley dance?

The one she does on a tombstone
in "Return of the Living Dead."

-I do it every night
before bed.

-You do not. Okay.
-I promise.

-I think there just might be
some sexy horror dancing

going on tonight
on this very location.

I know Amelia was the sexy girl

in several rock videos
in the '80s,

so we have three --

count them, three --
professional show dancers

ready to stimulate the audience
a little later, so...

-Are you going somewhere
with this?

-No, I'm not going anywhere.

I never go anywhere
with anything.

I'm just wandering
all over the lot.

But I've got drive-in fever,
you know,

because I can't believe
that we're finally here.

-I know.
-And we've got

a spam in a cabin classic.

Actually, a spam
in a haunted castle classic.

You know, and it's
a castle in South Central LA.

They don't tell us
it's in South Central LA.

It looks like it's out on
some mysterious misty hilltop,

but it's actually a spam
in a haunted funeral home movie

because you would not want
to assemble on Halloween night

in an abandoned funeral parlor
built on

an ancient Indian burial ground
where 17 or 18 people have died

horrible, grisly deaths,
including one Indian brave

who was found, quote,
"gnawing on a papoose."

You know,
probably choked to death

on the leather or something.
Because what is a papoose?

I think the screenwriter
wants us to think

it was a Native American baby.
Right?

But the papoose is just that bag

that they carry the baby in,
right?

I think I'm talking correctly.

Anyway, it's like a car seat.
If you don't have a car.

You swaddle up that infant

and you carry the baby
around on your back.

Can you swaddle anything
other than a baby?

Why do babies get swaddled?

But when you're older,
you have to say,

"Put some tight blankets on me."
You know, you can't say,

"Swaddle me, sweetie pie.
Swaddle me up."

Or maybe you can.
I don't know.

Anyway, you shouldn't be gnawing

on any papooses,
especially if you're a cannibal.

Because that would
be like a zombie

staring down
at a dead man's head

and deciding to eat his hat.

You know, so, if you know --
If you know what I mean.

And you may not, because
I'm so far off the topic now.

It's like I took one of those
service roads on the interstate

that won't let you back
on the interstate.

All right.
"Night of the Demons."

"Night of the Demons"
is one of those movies

that has absolutely no plot
getting in the way of the story.

The airhead partiers
go into the demon-possessed

abandoned funeral parlor,

and most of them don't come out
of the demon-possessed

abandoned funeral parlor.
So that's it.

It takes about a half hour for
the glopola to start spewing.

And of course, we're observing
the first rule of

teen meets spam in a cabin,

which is anybody
who enjoys sex must die.

If you haven't seen this before,

you will not believe
the Amelia Kinkade dance

where Angela roots around
on the floor

like a sex-crazed grasshopper
head solid gold dancer.

You know, Tina Turner as
a mutant horny toad.

And of course,
"Night of the Demons"

has one of my favorite
lines in film history.

"Would you like a fudge log?"
[Chuckles]

But let's get to those
Drive-In Totals.

-Whoo!
[Cheering]

Which are...

Possibly the all-time record for
jump scares in a single movie.

Drive-In Academy Award
nominations for...

Hal Havins as the party animal
turned killer demon

who likes to wear
a pig nose

and moon the elderly for saying,

"Shut up and drive, bitch."

-[Laughs]
-Harold Ayer

as the geezer who likes
to buy double-edged

Gillette razor blades
at Halloween for saying,

"I don't need your help,
you damn little whore."

Billy Gallo as the slick-haired
Brooklyn wise-ass who says,

"I brung my pet snake
for your sister to play with,"

and, "Is everybody here
on drugs or something?

I live in a nice house
with plastic slipcovers

on the furniture."

Linnea Quigley
for one of the most --

-Whoo!
-Yeah!

One of the most
memorable entrances

in exploitation film history,
for being the good-time girl

who goes full frontal,
turns into a sex demon,

and says,
"You guys have sour balls?"

[Laughter]

Donnie Jeffcoat
as the little brother who says,

"Are you dating her
for her personality

or because
she has big cha-chas?"

Karen Ericson as the mom

who makes the world's
most disgusting fudge logs.

Amelia Kinkade as Angela...
-Whoo!

-...the woman in black,
for saying,

"This house is not haunted,
it's possessed."

And for doing
the demon dance.

Cathy Podewell as Judy,
the "Alice in Wonderland"

boring, nice girl, who thinks
her boyfriend is too horny

and says, "Just hold me."

Alvin Alexis as Roger
for saying,

"I know better than be
fooling with this stuff.

This is a house of the dead."

Steve Johnson,
the special effects artist,

who spent so much time
building prosthetics

on naked women
that he married one of them.

And Kevin Tenney, the director,
for saying,

"Can we have a little bit more
mucus on their faces, please?

They're not
quite disgusting enough."

Three stars. Joe Bob says,
check it out.

Wow.

[Cheers and applause]

You know, I realized
earlier this week

that I introduced this film

on The Movie Channel
in the year 1990.

[Chuckles]

And in 1990, I only gave it
two and a half stars.

So, how did it earn the extra
half star over the past

31 years?
You may be wondering that.

Or maybe not.
But let me put it this way --

if a 33 year old movie
makes it to "The Last Drive-In,"

they must have been
doing something right.

Or he may just be easily
amused by blood, sex, and gore.

But you can read it either way.

But who is thrilled to be
at the Mahoning tonight?

[Cheers and applause]

Light honking. Come on.
Tap, tap, tap.

All right.

-Honk.
-Thank you, guys.

Roll the movie.

-Whoo!
-Yeah!

[Horns honking]

[Roaring]

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[Thunder crashes]

♪♪

[Thunder crashes]

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♪♪

♪♪

[Thunder crashes]

♪♪

[Thunder crashes]

♪♪

♪♪

[Thunder crashes]

♪♪

[Rock music playing]

♪♪

-Whoo!

♪♪

Trick or treat!
[Laughs]

-You're just disgusting.
And turn that noise down!

What are you, deaf?

-Don't you dare, bitch,
get off that!

-Hey, Stooge.
-What?

-Check out the old fart.

-All right, dude!

Stooge. Helen, here.
Make yourself useful, okay?

Take the wheel.
Ahh!

♪♪

[Horn honks]

Hey, Grandpa,
look in the mirror!

[Laughter]

-You stupid bastards!

Damn you all to hell!

-Happy Halloween, asshole.

[Cackles]

-Damn kids.

-Boo!
-Ohh!

-There's no fool
like an old fool.

-You son of a bitch!
-Hey, hey, cool it, pops.

You want to blow your
pacemaker or somethin'?

[Toy rat squeaking]

Aah!

-Gee, mister, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to scare you.

-Get your hands off of me!

-Hey, calm down.
-Get away from me!

-I-I was just trying to help.

-I don't need your help,
you damn little whore!

-Well, fine,
I wouldn't want to help

an old creep like you anyway.

-Damn rotten kids.

They'll get what they deserve.

Yes, they'll get what
they deserve...tonight.

[Laughing]

-Judy!
-Sorry, Mom, I'm in a hurry.

Has Jay Jansen called?

-Jay, no.
Oh, but that boy, Sal,

he stopped by to see
if you were home.

-Sal?
-Uh-huh.

[Phone ringing]
-I'll get it.

Hello, Jay?

-Hey, Judy, you almost ready
to go?

-Um, not quite.

I got stuck after school
helping Mrs. Evans out

with that drive
for the homeless.

-I told you that was a scam.

-Well, someone has to do it.

-Well, listen, there's been
a slight change of plan

for tonight.
-Wh-What do you mean?

-I've got a better party
to go to.

-Does this mean I should find
another date for the dance?

-Of course not.

Hey, I thought you'd be happy
to go to a real party.

That school dance is for nerds.

-Oh, okay, sure, why not?

Who's giving it?

-I don't know if you know her,
her name's Angela.

-Angela?
No, the only Angela I know

is that weird girl
in history class.

-Well, as a matter of fact...

-Jay, you've gotta be kidding.

Angela is such a weirdo.
Frannie says

she's into witchcraft
and all sorts of creepy stuff.

-Come on, you don't believe
all that, do you?

It's a bunch of crap.

Just a lonely old misfit trying
to get some attention

by acting weird, that's all.

-So, why in the world would you
want to go to her party then?

-Because it's Halloween.

Who do you know
that'll give a better party?

It's like Christmas to her.

-Do we have to?

-Come on, Max and Frannie
are going.

It'll be fun.

-Oh, all right, I guess so.

I can't wait to meet her family.

She probably lives in a belfry.

-Well, it's --
it's not at her house.

It's at Hull House.

-Hull House?
Jay!

-Pick you up in 20.

-Rar!
-[Gasps]

-[Laughs]
Wow, bodacious boobies, sis.

You keep growin',
you'll have to hire someone

just to tie your shoes.

-Oh, out!

[Doorbell rings]

-I'll get it.

Rar!

[Door creaking]

♪♪

♪♪

-Boo!
[Laughs]

I wish I had a camera.

You looked like
you dropped a load, Junior.

Hey, hey, cool it, squirt.

Who do you think you are,
Rocky Balboa?

-Let me go, creep!
-Sure.

Now go tell that pretty little
piece you call your sister

that handsome hunk Sal is here.

And tell her I brung my pet
snake for her to play with.

Judy's gettin' ready
for a date, butthole.

If I were you, I'd get out of
here before he shows up

and turns your ugly face
into a punching bag.

-Don't give me that shit, punk.

Go get your sister
before I lose my cool.

What's the matter, you didn't
hear what I said, bozo?

-Let me go,
or I'll yell for my mom.

-Aw, go on, baby.

What's the matter,
you can't take a joke?

Now, go get your sister.

-Judy's gettin' dressed.
She's goin' to a party.

-Party, what party?

-Wouldn't you like to know?
-Oh, you little asshole.

-Oh, Mother!

-Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come on spill the beans, ace.

Here, here's a nice chunk
of change

to loosen your lips a little.
-Are you kidding,

betray my beloved
sister for a measly quarter?

What do you think this is,

some kind of depression
or something?

-Oh, that does it.

-Billy, did you call me?

-Hey, hey. Here,
this is my final offer, kid.

Now take it and sing.

Where's the friggin' party?

-Sure, you'll be too chicken
to crash it anyway.

-Hey, try me.

-It's at Hull House.
-Hull House?

Huh!
What are trying to pull, shorty?

Your sister wouldn't be caught
dead in a dump like that.

What do you think I am,
some kind of idiot or what?

-What I think is besides
the point.

Hull House tonight.

-Better be straight, Billy boy.

Or I swear I'm gonna come back
here and kick your little ass.

[Chuckles]

-Hey, my mask.

-Yeah, thanks a lot.

-Fag.

[Video game sound effects]

-Do you guys have sour balls?

-Why, sure we do.

-Too bad, I bet you don't get
many blow jobs.

-[Laughing hysterically]

-You think you got enough stuff?

-Come on, we don't want to be
late to our own party.

Come on, your face looks fine.

I've never seen anybody spend
more time in a mirror.

-Relax, I just want
to look good for the boys.

You did remember to invite some
cute boys to the party, I hope.

-[Mocking] Of course I did.

And we're gonna scare
the shit out of 'em.

[Laughs]

[Knock on door]

-Cutie, Prince Charming's here.

[Music on television]

-[Screaming]

♪♪

-Well, you must be
Judy's little brother, huh?

Huh, that's pretty lucky.

She's, uh,
she's a real nice girl.

-Yeah, are you dating her
for her personality

or because she has big cha-chas?

-[Chuckles]

-Well, hello there.
You must be Jay.

-Yeah.
-Would you like a fudge log?

-Oh, gee...

Hey, I'd love to, but I-I'm
trying to watch my weight.

-Oh, your weight --
you must be kidding.

You're skinny as a rail.

Oh, come on, Jay, don't be shy.

Have one. I just took 'em
out of the oven.

No, thanks, Mrs. Cassidy,
really.

-You're sure.
-Yeah.

-Of course, he's sure, Ma.

Why would he want one?

They look like
sun-dried poodle turds.

-Billy.

-Why me?

-Hey, you look great.

-Yeah, the best bride
of Frankenstein I ever saw.

-Jay, I thought you were gonna
wear a costume.

-Well, I was, but I --
-He is, he's the boogeyman.

Can't you tell?
He's the pick of the litter.

-Billy, please.

-Happy Halloween, sweetheart.

-Um, we better hurry.

-Uh, yeah, Max and Frannie
are waiting.

-Good night, girls,
have a nice time.

-Enjoy the dance.

[Cartoon music continues on TV]

-God, I'm so embarrassed.

My mom and her cereal box
recipes.

-Hey, forget it.

Come here.

-Jay, s-slow down, okay?

-Yeah, right, sure,
we've got all night.

Come on.

-Whoever drew up this map

must have been half blind
and half retarded.

-Sounds like Angela.
Dizzy fuckin' bitch, man.

-Stooge, did you become an
asshole of your own free will

or were you born that way?
-[Laughs]

-Did you hear somethin' funny?

I don't know why I'm hangin' out
with you two wipes.

Give me that damn map!
-Hey!

Great, Stooge,
now look what you've done.

-Typical.
-"Typical."

Shut up and drive, bitch!

Look here.
Turn here!

[Tires squeal]

-Well, if the party's
a real drag,

we can always come back
to my house.

-Here they come.

Well, thank God you two have
the Halloween spirit.

At least I won't be
the only one wearing a costume.

-Oh, you didn't really expect
to see Jay in a costume.

Jay's way too cool for that.

-Just get in the car, Max.

[Engine turns over]

[Insects, animals chittering]

[Bird squawks]

-Great.

Just great.

-You know, I always wondered why
they called you Stooge.

-Hey, look, I said I
always carry a spare.

I never promised you
a tire iron.

-[Sighs]

You know, we really must have
taken a wrong turn somewhere.

No one would give a party
out here.

-Look, we definitely did not
take any wrong turns, okay?

I know where Hull House is.

It ain't far from here.

So, shut up and start walkin'!

-Great.
-Walk?

Are you fat and dumb?

-Hey, here comes a car.

-Must be my good karma.

[Horn honks]
All right, Jay buddy!

You got here just in time, dude.

-You guys need a hand?

-We sure do.

[Applause]

-[Laughs]

See ya.

[Laughing]

-I'm so glad I let you guys
talk me into this.

-Shouldn't we at least
help them change their tire?

-[Chuckling] For Christ sakes,
Judy, it's only a flat tire.

I think even Stooge
can figure that one out.

-Hey, there it is, stop the car.

-This place was once
a funeral parlor, wasn't it?

-Yeah, biggest one
in four counties.

-A funeral parlor, way out here?

-Sure, it's nice and cozy,
right next to the old cemetery.

And rumor has it, old man Hull
really loved his clientele...

I mean, in the carnal sense.

-Yeah, that doesn't surprise me.

I once saw a portrait
of Mrs. Hull.

-I've heard stories about this
place ever since I was a kid.

The Hull family met a pretty
gruesome end, didn't they?

-They sure did.

As a matter of fact,
it was on Halloween night.

One of them went crazy and
slaughtered the entire family,

then committed suicide.

They could never figure
out who did it.

Too much blood and guts.
-[Chuckles]

I can't believe
we're gonna party here.

-[Sighs] Neither can I.

♪♪

♪♪

-Hell, that was easy.
Didn't even lock the gate.

-Yeah, the county used to keep
this place locked up

all the time.

Only the locks kept
disappearing.

I guess they finally gave up.

-Well, it doesn't look like
much of a party happening here.

Maybe we could still
make the dance.

-Max, what are you doing?

-I'm just checkin' out
an old legend about this place.

Come here.

Judy, come here, will ya?

Come here, listen.

-Water.
-Yeah, an underground stream.

According to legend,

it completely surrounds
the property.

This wall was built
right on top of it.

-A brick wall on top
of an underground stream?

Now, there's a stroke
of engineering genius.

-Well, the wall was built
to mark the stream.

Uh, supposedly the evil spirits
that haunt the land

can't cross over running water
or something.

-Hey, can we go in now?

It's getting kind of chilly
out here.

-Shh...listen.

-What?

I don't hear anything.

-That's what I mean.

Isn't it quiet?

Not even the crickets
will come to this property.

[Laughs]
-[Scoffs] Yeah, right, Max.

♪♪

♪♪

[Cheers and applause]

♪♪

-All right. Light rain
falling at the Mahoning Drive-in

and nobody is leaving, right?
-Whoo!

-And Austin is moving the
audience closer to the stage.

All right.

The audience is advancing on me
like Birnam Wood in "Macbeth."

Okay. Linnea Quigley's
introductory reveal shot

is a long,
lingering closeup of the butt,

as two guys ogle her
in the convenience store

so that Amelia Kinkade,
as Suzanne,

can go through the store
with a rucksack

stealing party supplies.
Weren't the '80s great?

Who would do a shot
like that today?

The best way to describe
this movie, in my opinion,

is that it's every other
'80s horror movie

just dialed up to 11.

You know, for example, normally,
in a haunted house movie

or a spam in a cabin movie --

and you could say
this is actually both

a haunted house movie
and a spam in a cab movie --

normally, in either
of these standard genres,

you have four cast members.

Four people go into the house,
only one comes out.

So how many people are going
to this party at Hull House?

10! [Laughs]

Enough for two
and a half movies.

And how many legends
are there about Hull House?

Three! We only heard
the first legend from Max

about how old man Hull loved
his funeral parlor clientele

and somebody in the family
slaughtered everybody else

in the family
and then committed suicide.

But we're only getting started
with random legends

that will be pouring out
of the mouths of the partygoers.

So see if you can keep up.
Okay.

Hull House.

Why did the screenwriter,
Joe Augustyn,

call it Hull House?

Because Hull House
is famous in American history.

It's a place in Chicago
where Jane Addams welcomed

all the European immigrants
in the late 19th century.

And in fact, it's still there.
It's on the campus

of the University
of Illinois at Chicago.

It's on the gol-darn National
Register of Historic Places.

So Hull House is
a national symbol of feminism.

Jane Addams was one of the most
vocal feminist activists

of her day.
And of free immigration,

'cause all
their social programs

were developed to help people
who had just arrived in America.

And of supporting
the working classes

and the poor
against the landlords

and the bosses
who were holding them back.

So it was -- So it was
kind of a socialist thing,

but mainly it was a bunch

of activist women
getting together and saying,

"Well, if the men
won't clean up America

and make sure everybody
has what they need,

we, by God, will."

So almost all Chicago theater
derives from Hull House,

and I won't go into
that sort of sub-topic,

but the great traditions
of Chicago, comedy, improv,

all that stuff started
from the theater programs

that Jane Addams established
at Hull House.

And it was haunted.

There are all kinds of stories.
I won't go into all of them,

but if you take
the ghosts of Chicago tours,

there are about
five different ghost stories

associated with Hull House,

and they're not those fake ones
that people come up with

to boost business
at the bed and breakfast.

So I've seen interviews
with Joe Augustyn,

and I've never seen
any reference

as to why he used
the name Hull House.

This was Joe's first film.
He's not from Chicago.

In fact, he's from Philly.

But he has a keen interest
in the paranormal.

So I would imagine
he's heard

all the Hull House
haunting stories.

Anyway, when I was watching this
for the first time,

I thought, okay,

the bad girl ringleaders
are Linnea Quigley

and Amelia Kinkade
playing Suzanne and Angela.

So Joe is trying to invert
that Hull House story

and turn this into
a chronicle of evil women

instead of social
warrior women.

But then, that doesn't
really pan out in the story.

Is there anybody here
from Chicago tonight?

Honk if you like --
Honk if you love the Bears.

Right?
Or as Henry says, in

"Henry: Portrait of
a Serial Killer,"

"Fuck the Bears," you know.

But, anyway, if you're
from Chicago or if you --

or if you just took
eighth grade history,

when you hear the words
Hull House,

you're expecting
social warrior subtext.

You know? So maybe Joe skipped
eighth grade or something.

We don't know.
Anyway, Kevin Tenney,

the director,
has done a pretty good job

so far of introducing
all 10 of the main characters.

That is tough to set up.

He set up 10 characters
in 20 minutes.

And four of those minutes were
taken up by cartoon credits.

They were sort of
a poor man's version

of "Night on Bald Mountain."

And in fact,
those cartoon credits

were animated
by Kathy Zielinski,

who was working at Disney
at the time.

She was working on
"The Little Mermaid" at Disney

while she was doing
the title sequence

for "Night of the Demons."

Kathy worked on all
the Disney villains --

Ursula, Solo, Jafar.

So she was a good choice.

So, the way Kevin Tenney does
characterization

is, whatever you see in
the very first image,

that's the character.
For the rest of the movie.

Starting with Stooge,
the first guy you see,

the guy with the pig nose
who's yelling, "Party!" right?

Two minutes into the movie,
and then he moons the old man.

That's Hal Havins
as Stooge.

He was also in Kevin Tenney's
first movie, "Witchboard,"

as well as
one of our in-house favorites,

"Sorority Babes in the Slimeball
Bowl-O-Rama."

-Yeah.
-Yeah. And, Darcy,

okay, you're going
to be interested in this --

in this little story.

You know how
you're always saying

that there should be more
male nudity in every movie?

-Yes.
-All right, well...

[Cheering]

Well, in that first scene,
where he pulls down his pants

and he hangs his ass
out the window of the car

to annoy the old man,

he was supposed
to be buck naked.

That was supposed to be
an actual moon.

But Stooge declined.
-Hmm.

That should be a half-star
deduction right there.

-Yeah, well, it's true.
We lost bewtocks.

We lost a bewtocks count

because of one
actor's insecurities.

-Shame.
-So, okay, let's get back

to the movie that has

infrastructure information
in it.

[Laughter]

Because the abandoned
haunted funeral parlor

is surrounded
by an underground stream.

I'm not sure about the whole
underground stream

sub-narrative,
but we have it there.

The house was actually
located in South Central LA,

so it was more likely to have
an underground escape tunnel

for when the DEA shows up.

So, anyway,
lots to talk about here,

but I'm trying
people's patience right now.

So, back to the movie.

But, Darcy,
when Linnea Quigley comes out --

And I'm a little bit nervous,
you know.

Linnea Quigley is a superstar
in '80s exploitation, you know.

[Cheers and applause]
-She's amazing.

-So, when Linnea comes out,

I'm thinking about
my first line.

Should I say,
"Do you have sour balls?"

-No, probably not.

-Because everybody says that
to her when they meet her?

-Because it doesn't make
any sense to say that to her.

-Okay. I wanted to say it
because I love sour balls,

-I'm not even going to
go there, dude.

-But they have to come
in a mason jar, like --

Because I buy them in
the Cracker Barrel gift shop,

and, so...

-We'll get you some
sour balls. Okay.

-The Cracker Barrel --
There is a Cracker Barrel

that's 22.8 miles down
State Highway 100

from where we're sitting here.
-Really? Wow.

-Now, I didn't look it up,
but I know.

-Of course you didn't.
-Somebody told me it was 22.8.

in Fogelsville.

-I guess we're going
to Fogelsville, huh?

-If you don't want to, we don't
have to go to Fogelsville.

-Thank you.

Because there's one in
Frackville, also,

that we can go to.

[Laughter]

[Cheering]

♪♪

-[Coughing] Oh, geez.

Ugh.
-Oof!

Somebody fire the maid.

-Yeah, somebody did.

The Hull family maid was killed
along with the rest of them.

Someone managed to roast her.

-Great, barbecue maid.

No wonder she didn't keep
the place clean.

-Can we go home now?

I guess not.

-Hey, you guys,
check this out.

♪♪

-Oh, my God.

-This must have been left here
by previous tenants.

[Horn honks]

-Okay, everybody hide, quick.
Get rid of your light.

-Jay.

-Come on, this is gonna
be great, just relax.

-Aah!
-[Gasps]

-You dirt bag.
-Jay, no!

-Hey, who's side are you on?

-Who's side am I on?
You're acting like an idiot.

You were just about to climb in
there and scare somebody else.

Now you're going
to punch out Sal

just because he beat you to it?

-Yeah, yeah, lighten up, Jay-bo.

It's Halloween.

Good evening,
allow me to introduce myself.

-Yeah, Count Dingleberry,

the flaming asshole of
Transylvania.

-Aw, what's the matter,
Maxie baby,

you pissed because I made you
lose your brewski?

-Hey, Angela didn't tell me
this asshole was invited.

-He wasn't.

-All right, dudes!

And dudesses. Ha!

Let's party!

[Rock music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey, Sal, where do
you want this?

Hello, Sal, come in, Sal.
Earth to Sal.

Hey, yo.

-Where are we gonna
put this thing, man?

It weighs a fucking ton.

-♪ It was a quarter to 9:00
and I was running late ♪

♪ I was hoping I could find
a cab at the stand ♪

♪ It was my first time out
on my computer date ♪

♪ And I was looking forward
to whatever ♪

♪ She might have planned ♪

♪ The computer dating
service depot ♪

[Glass shatter]

♪ Said it had a key punch,
boxed lunch ♪

♪ They had a lady just
a little bit strange ♪

♪ So they showed me the photo
of a goddess ♪

♪ And then they asked me if I
thought she would do ♪

♪ You know, she didn't look
too very shy, I'm honest ♪

♪ But then I dated her
one or two ♪

-Thanks.

-Oh, I wouldn't do that,
if I were you.

-Huh?

-I wouldn't leave
that lighter lying there.

We wouldn't want the spirits
to see you

littering up their place.
Would we now?

-I'm sure they'll make
a federal case out of it.

-Oh, have it your way.

♪♪

-Oh, this feels great, really.

-Ahh.
-Just what the doctor ordered.

♪♪

-♪ Well, she could take some
abuse and never blow a fuse ♪

♪ We did it reel to reel ♪

♪♪

-What'd the Wicked witch
of the West want?

She tryin' to scare ya?
-Of course.

-So, did she do it?

-Are you kidding?

I'm not a baby.

-That's the spirit.

♪♪

♪♪

-Hmm.
-Here, Max,

this ought
to cool you down a little.

-Thanks, babe.
-Oh, how sweet.

Far fucking out!
-All right! Whoo!

-I found it in my mother's
closet.

She used to be an acid head.
-Whoa!

-Now we're cooking it up.

♪♪

♪♪

♪ She would take some abuse
and never blow a fuse ♪

♪ We did it reel to reel ♪

-♪ Reel to reel ♪

♪♪

[Music stops]

[All grumbling]

-Holy shit.

Haven't you idiots ever
heard of Duracell?

-Hey, look, don't blame me, man.

I just put batteries
in the damn thing this morning.

I can't live
without my music.

-Forget it, there's plenty of
time for dancing later.

Now it's time for party games.

-Yeah, we can play post orifice
and you can be the stamp.

[Slurps]

-Please don't make me ill.

-I was thinking of something
a bit more in tune

with the holiday.

-Like what, bobbing for apples
with razor blades in 'em?

[Laughter]

-No, I was thinking more
along the lines of a séance.

-A séance?

Isn't that a little chancy?

I mean, this is Halloween,
the night when all

the creepy things
are supposed to stalk the Earth.

I mean, there's no telling
what we'll dredge up,

especially in this old place.

-Hey, you guys, how about
a past life séance?

-A what?

-A past life séance.

You know, we all sit around,
look in a mirror,

and see our past lives.

-What kind of drugs
are we gonna need for this?

-[Chuckles]

-Cool, will this do?

-I'm afraid not, Suzanne,

we need one
we can all look into at once.

[Distant moan]

-What the hell was that?

-I don't know, buddy,
let's go check it out.

-Hey, hey, Stooge,
hey, man, cut it out now.

-Oh, come on, Rodg,
now don't be afraid.

I'm going with you.

-You're supposed to be
my friend, man!

-Come on, Rodg, be a man.

-No, Stooge!
-Yes, Rodg!

-No!

[Both scream]

♪♪

♪♪

-Are you okay?

-What's the matter, Rodg,
you're white as a ghost.

[Chuckles]

-Hey, kids, you're not going to
believe what I found in here.

-Oh, it's perfect.

[Laughs]

I can't believe our luck.

-Maybe this isn't such
a good idea after all.

-Oh, don't tell me
you're afraid, too.

[Growls]

-Come on, it's just a mirror,
what harm can it do?

♪♪

It's really very simple.

You just keep staring
at my reflection in the mirror

until the glass clouds
up all black.

When it clears, we'll see what
I looked like in a past life.

-Sounds easy enough to me.

-Yeah, right, and if you
buy that,

I got this real nifty
bridge to sell ya.

-Shh.
-Everybody shut up.

Now, concentrate on my
reflection in the mirror.

-[Snickers]

-Concentrate.

-I'm trying to, Ang, but I can't
get past that zit on your chin.

[Laughter]

-Shut the fuck up, asshole.

If you're not going to help
us along, then get lost.

Okay, now concentrate.

Concentrate.

♪♪

-Holy shit.

-You idiot, it was just
starting to work.

-It was, I swear I saw
the mirror turning black.

-Hey, I saw it, too.

[All murmuring]

♪♪

-[Screams]

-Shit!
-Get away!

[Glass shatters]
-Jeez.

-Why the hell did you do that?

-What is wrong with her?

-Festerin' fuckwads! Gah!

You cannot take
this bitch anywhere, man!

-What -- What happened, Helen,
what's the matter?

-I saw something in the mirror.

-Saw what in the mirror?

-Oh, jeez, this bitch has
flipped.

-Shut up, Stooge,
you're not helping matters!

-[Squeaks]
-What?

-A mask! I saw a mask!

-Probably saw Sal
in that stupid mask.

-I wasn't wearing my mask.

-Oh, God, that's even worse.
[Shivers]

-It doesn't matter
what she saw, does it?

If she saw anything.

It looks like our
little game is over.

-Yeah, I just hope Helen
didn't piss off

the owner of the mirror.

Ow.
I was only kidding.

[Distant banging]

-Oh, no, here we go again.

-Relax, it's probably just
someone arriving late.

You guys did invite some
other people to this party?

Angela?

-Some cute boys, I hope.

[Distant clattering]

-It sounds like it's coming
from the basement.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Growls]

[Heavy breathing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-God, it's freezing in here.

-Never mind the draft, man.
Who cut the cheese?

-Oh, PU, that is rank.

-Stooge must be wearing
his mom's dirty panties again.

-Hey, man, as least
my old lady wears panties.

His just wears a coin
changer for sailors.

-Your mom couldn't give it away.

-God, man, it smells like
somebody died in here.

[Whooshing]

-I don't like what's
happening here.

-What do you mean?
-I know what she means.

Like, come on, this ain't
exactly the most happenin' party

I ever been to, okay?

-What do you mean, Angela?

-Those noises that we heard,
there were three of them.

And that awful stink
and then the chill.

-It's not cold now.

Must have been a draft.

-Well, maybe somebody
did come in.

-The odor's gone, too.

-But we all experienced them --

the noise, the stink,
and the chill.

They're all signs of
demonic infestation.

-[Spits]
-Demonic what?

-Demonic whatchamacallit.

I mean, come on!

Little Ang here is just trying
to put the old

whoo-hoo-ooga-booga on us, okay?

Yeah, Ang, I'm sure
you're right, okay?

Or could it be that Rodg here
just had too much cold beer

and blew us a cool, stiff breeze
right out of his butthole?

[Laughter]

-I don't care what
you all think.

My daddy was a preacher.

And I know better than to be in
here fooling with this stuff.

This is a house of the dead.

And I'm gettin' out now
before it's too late.

-Wow, hey, take a whiff of that.

-What is that?

-It smells like roses.

-Hey, you know, I think we're
smelling multiple ghosts here.

I've read about things
like this.

-[Slow clap]
That is something, Max.

I never knew you could read.

-No, really, Stooge,
I'm not kiddin'.

I read all the time.

-Would you listen to me?
They're not ghosts.

This house is not haunted,
it's possessed.

-Ha! Possessed, man, haunted.
Come on! Who gives a shit!

-What's the difference between
possessed and haunted?

-A haunted house is a house
with ghosts in it,

the spirits of people
who've died.

But the spirits living
in a house possessed

have never existed
in human form.

They've only existed
in spirit form.

They're pure evil.

They're demons.

-[Laughs] Kids, come on,

you can't really believe
this place is possessed?

-[Chuckles]
Nah, just repossessed.

[Laughter]

-Chills.

♪♪

-For tonight anyway.

-Maybe Rodger's right.

Maybe we should leave.

-Aw, come on, let's hang out.

-Yeah, eat a bowl of fuck!

I am here to party!

-Yeah!
-Me, too.

Just because one lame
wuss wants to bail

doesn't mean we ace this party.

-I want to go, too.

-We'll need a ride.

-Hey, don't look at me, pal,

my cruiser's sittin' in a ditch
two miles from here, huh?

Hey, you know, you could spend
the night in it, though,

if you wanted to.
Ooh!

-Here, Rodg, take Angie's car.

-Hey, what the fuck
do you think you're do--

-Chill out, hon.

It's your party,
you ain't goin' anywhere.

-Thanks, Suzanne.

-Don't mention it.

I don't care
if you're a chicken shit.

Just remember to open the gate
before you drive through it.

[Laughter]

-Bye, Rodg.

-Drive carefully, you guys.

-Let's party.

-Aw-whoo!
-Yeah.

-Yeah, well you guys
can count us out.

Judy and I have some
exploring to do.

-Yeah, great idea.

Let's see what kind of action
we can dig up

in this glorious old dump,
huh, cutie?

-I don't know, Jay.
-Oh, come on, Judy.

Who knows, maybe we'll be able
to find a little privacy.

Hey, we'll check
you guys out later.

Don't do anything stupid
while we're gone, huh?

-Yeah, right, you all say hi
to Casper for me.

[Chuckles]

-Well, this party's gettin'
down to the cream now.

-I think I'm gonna go
find the bathroom.

-Mm, good idea,
I'll go, too, to protect ya.

-Oh, no thanks,
I'd rather take Stooge.

-Stooge?

-Hey, you heard the lady, man.

She wants a real man
guardin' her charms.

-Stooge is a fat pig.

-Maybe I'm in the mood
for pork tonight.

-[Snorts]

♪♪

[Whooshing]

♪♪

♪♪

-I'm into all sorts
of things tonight.

-I'll tell you what, babe,

I'll hold yours
if you hold mine.

-I don't fuckin' believe this.

♪♪

-Okay.

Okay. So, let me describe
what I think just happened.

All 10 cast members are getting
sexed up and alcoholic

from the groovy dancing in
the funeral parlor when, wham,

the boom box goes out.
So creepy Angela suggests

they have a séance instead,
only instead of a Ouija board,

which is what they used
in Kevin Tenney's last movie,

"Witchboard,"
this time they use a mirror,

and it's a mirror
that all of a sudden

Angela knows the rules for.

Everybody stares into it
until it clouds up all black.

And it shows Angela in a past
life and it does go black.

And then it shows some kind
of a Chinese dragon demon

sneering at everybody,

but especially Helen,
who gets freaked out.

But by then, the mirror
has floated to the ground

and broken into
a jillion pieces.

But the broken pieces
are big enough

to show the faces
of the entire cast

in a shot that Kevin Tenney
spent half a day working on.

And then there's these metallic
sounds coming from downstairs

and a demon in the form
of a point-of-view camera

pushes through an incinerator
and rushes up through

all the hallways of the house
and jumps into Suzanne's mouth,

in the process,
lighting up the fireplace

and infecting the whole house
with a rank smell

that Angela thinks is a sign
of demonic manifestation,

but Stooge thinks
is Roger farting.

And then, they all have
an argument

about whether
the house is haunted.

And Angela has to explain
that the house is not haunted,

it's possessed.

And sensible
Judy asks what that means,

and Angela explains
that a possessed house

has never existed in human form,
only spirit form.

Huh?

[Chuckles]

And then, Suzanne starts
speaking in a male voice

while Stooge says,
"Eat a bowl of fuck.

I came here to party,"

a line that will be quoted
to that guy

and about that guy
for the rest of his life,

even though "Eat a bowl of fuck"
is not his line.

That's the line invented
by John Belushi

that got him suspended

from the cast of Chicago's
Second City for two weeks

because he was told
not to say it,

so he said it anyway.

And then, everybody splits up
for various reasons,

presumably to have sex, except
Suzanne and Angela linger behind

so they can share
a big fat demon kiss.

Does that about sum it up,
Darcy.

Darcy, Get out here.
You're reading too much mail.

Does that about sum it up?

-I think it does.

-All right.
Was that a great kiss or what?

-It looked like it.
-All right.

Well, let's --
let's just ask 'em.

Let's ask 'em
how it was for them.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Linnea Quigley

and Amelia Kinkade,
better known as Suzanne

and Angela,
here in person tonight.

-Come on up, you demon women.

[Cheers and applause]

[Horns honking]

All right.
-Whee!

-Yeah!

-Welcome to "The Last Drive-In."

Amelia, you kissed the reigning
scream queen of 1988.

How was that kiss?
-Oh.

I loved it
and the night is young.

[Cheering]

-And, Linnea, you have had
many memorable entrances

in the course
of your 9,000 movies

that you've made over the years.

But you realize that your butt
was about --

was about 40 feet high

when we first see you
on the Mahoning screen.

-I did not realize that I was at
the drive-in with my then-beau,

and all of a sudden, I saw
this big ass on the screen,

and I'm like,
"Oh, my God, that's me."

-[Laughs]
But, Linnea, you were --

Be honest, though, you were
never shy about getting naked.

-No, I like to do that.
-Really?

[Cheering]

But I want you both to be honest
with me now, though.

-Okay.
-Do either one of you know

what is exactly is going on
in this movie?

Linnea, you go first.
What's going on in the movie?

-A bunch of chaos.

I don't know what's going on
in the movie.

I just knew my lines.
That's all I knew.

-All right.

Amelia, do you have any idea
what's going on in the movie?

-Hell, I got typecast
as a bad girl.

I don't know how that
possibly could have happened.

-Well, you are --
you are pretty fucking bad.

-Well.

-And, Amelia, you were known
as the queen

of the sexy rock video.

You had an especially famous one
for stray cats, right?

And were there a lot of hot
dancers in Hollywood in the days

of "Solid Gold" and "Flashdance"
and all those shows like that?

You must have known
all the dancers, right?

-It was so phenomenal.

It was such an incredible
time to be a dancer.

'Cause when I got there,
it was -- it was

just on the very brink
of the break-dancing scene.

That was just coming in.

So we were coming from ballet
companies and modern companies,

and we got to completely
and totally cut loose.

And every time I cut loose,
my dances got cut.

And they ended up
on the cutting room floor.

-Oh.
-And, so, the reason I took --

one of the reasons I took
the movie --

one of the reasons
I took the movie

is because
I got to be scary,

which was fabulously fun.
But I said,

"You let me do whatever
I want in this dance scene,

and I'll take the role."
-Okay.

-And, Linnea, you had
already starred in

"Return of the Living Dead."

[Cheering]

-I want to ask you,

is that the role that
most people remember you for?

-I think that is the role.

-Is that the first
one they mention?

-I think that's the one
where they remembered me from.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

-Okay.

-I think remember you
from this one.

-This is a pretty big
one, too, though. Okay.

-The lipstick.
-Oh. Oh.

-I don't want
to give that away.

-Oh, impaled on reindeer
antlers.

You know, we reproduced
your scene

from being impaled
on reindeer antlers.

I impaled Darcy
on reindeer antlers.

-That is so great. I know.

-You were not available.
We did a shot for shot. Okay.

-Did they move like mine did?

Every time you breathe,
they moved.

-[Laughs]
-I'm sure yours moved a lot.

-All right.

Well, we've already seen you
driving the males wild

with your dancing, Linnea.

And we're about to see
the Angela demon dance.

-Ooh!
-And, Darcy, do you know how

to do the Angela demon dance?

All three of you are dancers.

-I practice it in my bedroom
every night.

-Really?
-Yeah.

-Okay. All right. Well, good,
because I think

that there might be some demon
dancing on this very location.

[Cheering]

In the very near future.
So back to the movie.

And, Linnea, to this day,

you are one of the most popular
women in horror, like, ever.

Because I see you at
the conventions

and I always wonder --
I always wonder

what the guys are saying
when they come up to you.

But I have
this question for you

because we were talking about it
at the last break.

-Okay.
-All right.

Do they ever say,
"Do you have sour balls?"

-Yes, they do. They do.
-Okay. See! I told you.

-You are right.
-I told you you could say that.

-It still doesn't make sense.

-I was going to say it,
but Darcy talked me out of it.

-Do you have sour balls?

[Laughter]

-That makes sense.

-It would have been
a bad move to say that?

-Really, it's like kind
of a come-on line, right?

-Really? Okay. Well, see,
I could have said it.

Anyway, this movie
is interesting because you know

how they say some movies
are a director's movie

and some movies
are a writer's movie

and some movies
are a producer's movie.

Well, they do.
They say that.

So this may be the only movie
I've ever seen where you can say

that the real auteur
of the movie

is the special effects
makeup artist.

And his name was Steve Johnson,

and he had just started up
his special effects business,

and this was his first job
on his own.

And before that, he was
an assistant on big movies

like "Big Trouble
in Little China"

and "Ghostbusters"
and "Videodrome."

But this was his breakout film,
and he was determined

to show off.
And you don't see it yet

because we're not far enough
into the film,

but after a certain point,
every shot in this movie

belongs to Steve Johnson.

And, Linnea,
you want to finish the story?

-Well, I ended up marrying him.

[Laughter]

-Yes.

-She married him after
he plastered her chest.

I wanted him.
I had a crush on him.

The next thing you find out,

he's rubbing plaster
all over her naked breasts.

-Well, of course he is!
-I mean, it's all over for me!

Forget about it.
-Oh, my God.

But then, we had the kiss, and
it was just all confusing to me.

-Okay. All right.
Yes, you did.

So, did I say,
"Roll the movie," yet?

I think I said, "Roll the movie"
three hours ago.

So, go, roll the movie.

And we're going to go
into the backstage

hanky-panky at the next break.

-Ooh.
-[Laughs]

[Cheers and applause]

-Jeez.

-Hey, you know what?

This reminds me
of a great story.

-You know, I think we've heard
enough stories for one night.

-No, come on, let's hear it.

-All right, but only
because you asked.

-[Sighs]

-Oh, God, this one better be it
or I'm gonna water the hallway.

-No, try this one.
-What?

[Door creaks]

Well, all right, Suzie Q!

How did you know this?

-Ladies before germs.

[Laughs]

-No, wait, um...

[Knocking]

I thought -- Well,
I thought maybe w-we might

could go in there together?
Huh?

Fuckin' party.

♪♪

♪♪

Whoa, Jesus!
Fuck! Shit! Shit!

Oh!

-Yeah, but even before the first
White settlers colonized

this area, this strip of land
already had a bad rep.

-Sure, Max.
-Mm-mm.

For centuries,
the ancient Indian tribes

that used to live around this
area would never set foot

on this side of
the underground creek.

Even back then, they said
the land was unclean.

-Right, Max.
And I suppose the ghost

of an ancient Indian
told you that.

-No, Mrs. Porter down
at the library

gave me a book that one
of the earlier settlers wrote.

I mean, you cannot believe all
the cool shit

that used to go down here.
-Yeah, especially since

they didn't have
any indoor plumbing, right?

[Scoffs]

-No, really.

A young brave got lost

and settled here
with his family by mistake.

Anyway, they found him
three weeks later

sitting under a tepee he made
out of his squaw's intestines

and chewing on the leg
of his papoose.

-Oh, gross.
-I've never heard

so many disgusting stories
in all my life.

-Oh, um, you know,
I-I think it's time

that, you know, Frannie and I
did some exploring on our own.

-Happy Halloween.

-Happy hunting.
-Yeah, this place is big enough.

I'm sure we'll find somethin'
interesting to do, right?

-[Gasps, laughs]

-Well, Alice, looks like
we're all alone in Wonderland.

Well, what gives?

-Not here, Jay.

-What do you mean, "not here"?

-This place, it's --
it's too creepy.

-Well, that's the whole idea.

You're supposed to be
jumping into my arms.

-Just hold me.

-Where the fuck is
the Goddamn gate?

We came in through
a gate, didn't we?

This just doesn't make sense.

-Give up already.

-Give up?
Now, what kind of talk is that?

There was a gate here.

And if we just keep following
this damn wall,

we're bound to find it.

-Look, we've already
been around it twice.

Don't you understand, Rodg?
We're dead.

We've all died and gone to hell.

-What are you talking about?

Are you goin' crazy on me, girl?

Look, if that's all
that's on your mind,

you just better shut
that mouth of yours.

Shit!
Hell, my ass!

There is a gate here.

There is!

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, sweet mother.

Helen?

Helen!

This isn't funny, girl.

♪♪

Helen?
Where the hell did she go?

-[Ghostly] Rodger.

Rodger. Rodger.

Rodger.

-Oh, heaven help me.

-[Demonic] Rodger!

♪♪

♪♪

-Jay, no.

-Judy, come on.

Quit the act, I know
you've done this before.

-What?

-I saw the way
you jumped to Sal's aid.

-Jay, what are you getting at?

-I know all about you two.

-Oh, really.
What do you know?

-Nothing.

I just know that you used
to date Sal, that's all.

-Date him?
I went out with him once.

-Once is all it takes.

I don't understand why
you're acting like this.

Half the school knows
about you and Sal,

so what's the big deal?

-Oh, so you think
I slept with Sal

just because
I went out with him.

-Didn't you?

-You know,
that's none of your business.

-[Sighs]

-So, that's why you wanted
to go out with me?

-Oh, come on, I thought you
wanted it just as much as I did.

[Grunts]

[Groans] Jesus.

Fine, have it your way.

I'm out of here.

-Jay, wait.

Come on, Jay.

Jay!

♪♪

Come on, Jay!

♪♪

-Damn it, bitch, come on.

What'd you do, flush yourself
down the fuckin' toilet,

or what?

♪♪

♪♪

Open the damn door already!

♪♪

[Bang, glass shatters]

Suzanne.

[Grunts]

[Water dripping]

What the fuck?

♪♪

[Bang]
Jesus!

♪♪

Suzanne?

♪♪

♪♪

Dizzy bitch.

[Door closes]

-Hey, Ang, what the fuck are
you doin' over there?

-Blessed be the sinners,

for the day of atonement
is at hand.

-Say what?

-[Breathing raggedly]

-♪ Lying cross-checked
in agony ♪

♪♪

♪ Stigmata bleed continuously ♪

♪ Holes in head, hands, feet,
and weep for me ♪

♪♪

♪ Stigmata,
oh, you sordid sight ♪

♪ Stigmata in your
splintered plight ♪

♪♪

♪ Look into your crimson
orifice ♪

♪ In holy remembrance
in scarlet bliss ♪

♪♪

♪ Stigmata ♪

♪ Martyr ♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Clicking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪ In nomine patri et filii
et spiriti sanctum♪

♪ In nomine patri et filii
et spiriti sanctum♪

♪ In nomine patri et filii
et spiriti sanctum♪

♪ In nomine patri et filii
et spiriti sanctum♪

♪♪

-Whoa, Sal, easy man.
A little jumpy, huh?

-Yeah.

-Well, all right,
now the party's back.

And so is Stoogie.

-Hey, careful, man, she's actin'
really fuckin' weird.

-Don't worry, Sal,

it ain't the weird ones
you got to watch out for.

God, didn't your mom teach
you nothin' about women?

Oh...

♪♪

[Chuckling] Oh.

♪♪

So, Ang, ya come here often?
[Laughs]

-[Laughs]

♪♪

You know, Stooge, I never
realized how sexy you are.

-[Chuckles]

-Kiss me.

-Oh.
[Chuckles]

-♪ Inside each man,
there's a sinner ♪

♪♪

-[Muffled screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

[Coughs]

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Chuckles]

[Applause]

♪♪

-All right.
Amelia, that was awe-inspiring.

Not only can you dance like

an orgasmic demon
animal contortionist,

but you can rip men's
tongues out with your teeth

and spit them onto the floor.

And you did all
that choreography yourself.

You were the choreographer
on the film.

-I was. I was.

[Cheering]
-Meanwhile, you, Linnea,

are locked in the bathroom,
turning into a she-demon.

And a very sexy she demon.

So, I promised
some demon dancing.

Right? And, so, I think
we should summon Satan tonight.

-Sounds good.
-And by the way,

the music for the Angela
demon dance

was "Stigmata Martyr"
by Bauhaus,

the English goth rockers.

And it's the only music in
the movie that was not written

by Kevin Tenney's brother,
Dennis Tenney.

But since we can't afford
"Stigmata Martyr" --

Can we play "Stigmata Martyr"?
No? Okay.

-That's a big-ass check.

-I know, you told --
It's $20,000, Right? Okay.

We're going to use John Brennan
and the Bigfeet instead.

[Cheering]

-Come on, do you know any
Satanic punk!

-All right, let's see.
Let's see.

-We need Satanic punk.
-Satanic punk, you say?

-I eat Satanic punk
for breakfast.

-All right.
That's what I thought.

-So, for those of you who want
to get out of your cars

and do the demonic
Angela dance,

the special demonic Angela dance

that we're going to do
for this show,

please put your pants on
before you get out of your car.

-You don't have to.

-But, Darcy, if -- All right.

Yeah. Get rid of this TV.
We need a dance floor here.

So, Darcy --

-Oh, my God,
are we're really dancing?

-What else did you
think I'd take out of here?

-If you were going to do
your personal version

of the Angela demon dance,
show us a move.

-Are you kidding? In front of --
No.

-No, you show us the first move.
Show us a basic move.

-Oh, my God.
-Show us a basic move.

-You can do it.
-Right out here.

Down stage center.
Show us a basic move

that we would have to do
in the Angela demon dance.

-Oh, my God. Just like, um...

It's hard to do in here.
-Whoo!

-Yes!
-Nice!

-All right.
And, Linnea --

No, no, no. Stay there.
Stay there. Stay right there.

And, Linnea, you are the expert
in exploitation film dancing.

So get us up.
Get up and show us what --

what would you add to the
Angela demon dance repertoire?

-I would move it on up
and move it on down.

-[Laughs]
-Okay. All right.

And, finally, Amelia, you are
the ultimate expert

because you were
the choreographer.

You're the one that did
the Angela demon dance.

You are a professional dancer.

So what have we left out
of the Angela demon dance?

-I think we have to go
and break your back.

[Cheering]

And break your back.

-Break your back. Okay.
So...

So, John, those are the three

basic moves in the Angela
demon dance

we're going to do tonight.
What do you got for us?

-I think maybe I'll just add
get possessed by a demon.

Okay?
-Okay. What's that move?

-I know.
-It goes like this.

-[Laughs]
-Okay?

-Okay. So --
-So, yeah.

-Go ahead. Go ahead.
-I think let's just start --

Let's start with a drum first.
Let's just get the drum.

Let's practice, okay.
-Okay.

And everybody out there, you can
practice along with us, okay?

-All right.
Down stage center, John.

-Yes, everybody.
-Down stage center.

-Everybody up.
-Show us how to do the dance.

-So here we go.
We got the drum beat going.

You go, you do the Angela,
you spin it all around,

move your body up
and you move your body down.

You do the Angela,
spin it all around.

Move your body up.
-Okay.

-Move your body down.

Now you break your back
like this.

You break you back, right?
You break your back.

Oh, yeah. And get possessed
by a demon.

Let's do it.
Do the Angela.

Spin it all around.
You move your body up

and you move your body down.
Do the Angela.

Spin it all around.

Move your body up
and you move your body down.

You break your back.
-Break your back.

-You break your back.
You break your back.

-Do it again.

Oh.
-And get possessed by a demon.

Come on, do the Angela.
Spin it all around.

Move your body up and you move
your body down.

Do the Angela.
Spin it all around.

Move your body up
and move your body down.

Break your back.
-Break!

-Break your back.
-Boom.

-Break your back.

And get possessed by a demon.

[Cheering]

Come on, let's keep going.
One more time.

Let's do it one more time.
Do the Angela.

Spin it all around.
You move your body up.

You move your body down.
Do the Angela.

Spin it all around.

Move your body up.
Move your body down.

Break your back.
-Bang.

-Break your back.
-Ugh!

-Break your back.
-[Laughs]

-Get possessed by a demon.
-Demon.

-That's it. That's the Angela.
I think we got it.

-Yes!
I think that...

-One more time, John.
One more time.

-Oh, we're going to do
it one more time.

-Break our back.
-Let's get that drum.

Let's get that drum
beat back on.

♪♪

Let's march in place
to get the rhythm going.

Ready?
-Joe Bob! Joe Bob!

-Ready?
-I know.

-Do the Angela.

Spin it out one --
-Yes!

-Oh, Joe Bob.
Come on, Joe Bob.

-Joe Bob, come on.
-Come on.

-You got this.
Get the beat. Get the beat.

March, march.
-March.

-Yeah. [Scatting] Yeah.

-Whoo-hoo!
-I'm gonna call it out.

I'm gonna call it out. Ready?
Goes like this.

You do the Angela.
You spin it all around.

You move your body up
and you move your body down.

Do the Angela.
You spin it all around.

Move your body up
and you move your body down.

Break your back.

-Oh, my back.
-Break your back.

-Back.
-Break your back.

-Back.
-And get possessed by a demon.

-You're a natural.
That's good.

-That's the Angela.
-Whoo-hoo!

-You did it.
-Yahoo!

-I have no mic on.

-Oh, yeah.

-All right. All right.

Now, because we've done
that dance in the open air

in Appalachia,
redneck mutant demons

will pour down out
of the hills and infect us

with strange political opinions.

But we will let it.
So, back to the movie.

[Cheering]

Darcy, do that spin move
one more time.

-No, I'm good. You do it.
-We're good. We're good.

[Cheering]

[Water dripping]

-Suzanne, lights.

♪♪

-I'm fixing my face.

-Aw, shit, not you, too.

What, is everybody here
on drugs or somethin'?

You know, you're a sweet
lookin' babe, Suzanne,

but you and your friend, Ang,

are just a little
too weirdo for me.

-I can't seem to get it right.

-No thanks, honey,
I'm not that type of guy.

Good night, now, I'm going home.

-You are home, Sal.

-Unh-unh, this dirty dive
don't spell home to me.

I live in a nice house,
you know,

with plastic slipcovers
on the furniture.

Enjoy your lipstick, dollface.

Good night.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Buttons clatter]

-My word, I can't believe
all this stuff is still here.

-It's creepy in here.

-Don't worry, I'll protect ya.

-And who's gonna protect you?

-[Chuckles]

You know, I've never made it
in a coffin before.

-Me neither.

So, what are we waitin' for?

[Chuckles]

[Water dripping]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Suzanne?

What are you doing?

Now, that's not a bad paint job.

But I think that it needs
a little touching up.

Hey, when did the lights go on?

[Zipper unzipping]

[Object clatters]

Okay, forget the lights.

-Hey, Ang, I'm splittin'.

-Oh, there you are.

I was just warming
my hands in the fire.

♪♪

-Holy shit!

♪♪

-Leaving so soon?

♪♪

[Creaking, thudding]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Thud]

-Jeez, what an asshole.

Stooge, I know that's you, man.

Only a fat slob like you
could shake this car so much.

[Distant creaking and thudding]

[Screaming]

♪♪

-[Humming]

♪♪

♪♪

-Yeah.

All right.

Look at you.

Come here.

♪♪

-Uh-huh. Mm.

-Ahh.

[Both moaning]

-What are you looking at?

-What?

-Is my makeup okay?

-Are you crazy?
What are you talkin' about?

-Stop staring at me.

-Damn it, Suzanne,
your makeup is fine.

Come on, what are
you worried about?

Aah! Jesus Christ!

-[Demonic] Stop looking at me!

-Aah! Goddamn it!

Gah!

[Screaming]

-[Gasps]

[Breathing heavily]

-What was that?

-Uh, it's more party games.

-Ow, Max, I don't bend that way.

-Ah, shit.

Damn it, this is worse
than my brother's VDub.

Hey, man, get the fuck
out of here!

-[Growls]
-[Screams]

-No! No!

No, holy shit!
No, Stooge!

No, Stooge, no!

Not -- No!

♪♪

No, please. Aah!

No, no, no! Aah!

No!

[Distant creaking]

-Welcome back, Rodger.

[Demonic laugh]

♪♪

-Aah!
Sal, move!

♪♪

Aah!

S-Something...
It's -- It's Angela, man!

-Sh-She's -- She's --
-Hey, hey, I know, I know.

I know there's some really weird
shit going on around here.

-Something happened to Helen.

-What do you mean?

-[Sobbing] I don't know, man,
I don't know.

-Hey, hey, hey,
it's gonna be okay, man.

It's gonna be okay, man.
We're gonna get outta here, man.

We're gonna get outta here.
We're gonna get outta here.

-[Raspy breathing]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Growling softly]

-Jay?

Jay, is that you?

Jay?

Let me out of here.

-This way, Rodger, come on,
follow me.

-Jay.

♪♪

-Shit, man.

-Come on.

I knew we shouldn't
have come here.

We're never gonna
get out of here, man.

-Shut up, Rodg, shut up,
I swear I'm gonna slug you!

♪♪

[Banging on door]

-Help!
Somebody get me out of here.

-Hold it!
How do we know it's really her?

-Come on. Judy?

-Yeah, Sal.
Please get me out of here.

-Sure thing, Judy, stand back.

-Wait!
What if it's not her?

-Come on, Rodg,
who else could it be?

♪♪

-[Growling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Growling]

♪♪

-Come on, get up, Judy!
-I can't!

-[Growling]
-Come on!

-I can't!

-Yes, you can!
Come on!

♪♪

[Ghostly whispering]

-Hey, there's no boards on it.

♪♪

-[Screams]

-Hey, how about an orgy?

I'm sure, if we try,
we can get Jay hard again.

-Run, Judy!
Run, Judy, run!

-[Growls]

-[Screaming]

♪♪

-Run, Judy, run.

See Judy run.

[Cackles]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaks]

♪♪

[Door closes]

-[Panting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Whimpering]

[Screaming]

♪♪

-[Moaning]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Cheering]

-Okay. Okay.

You see what I mean about this
being a special effects

tour de force for Steve Johnson?

Let's just go over
the stunning visual moments

in just this last sequence.

We had Angela's hands on fire.

We had Helen's dead face planted
into the windshield of the car

Roger is sleeping in.

We had Suzanne
with green demon eyes

gouging out Jay's eyeballs
with her thumbs

while they're having sex.

We have Frannie's neck
twisted off by demon Stooge

as she's having sex
with Max in a coffin,

followed by Max
getting his arm hacked off

by the lid of the coffin.

We have Angela floating through
hallways, hissing and growling

and lolling her tongue
like the she-demon she is.

We have Max's severed arm
attacking Judy's ankle.

We have Max and Frannie emerging
from the coffin as zombies.

And above all else, we have
this stupendously awesome

special effect
of Linnea Quigley,

as Suzanne, making a lipstick
disappear into her nipple.

Linnea...
-Whoo!

Hell yeah.

-Linnea, one of the all-time

favorite special effects
scenes in horror.

Was that the point at which you
fell in love with Steve Johnson?

-I think, yeah,

that was a turning point
in my life, I think.

-I guess, if you're making
"Night of the Demons,"

the practical effects guy
pretty much

has to put his hands
all over you, right?

-Of course.
And you know, you have to date

or marry the person after that.
It's like a crazy experience.

-All right. And Amelia, I wanted
to ask you about those scenes

where you appear to be
floating through the house.

How was that done?

-Well, it's a secret.

-Aw.

-It was roller skates.

-You were on roller skates?

-Oh, yeah,
I was on roller skates.

-Okay, well,
it looks really cool.

-It looks amazing.
And all they did was push me,

and I was like, "Aah!"

Fortunately,
they dubbed my voice,

so you couldn't
hear me screaming.

But that was it.

-Okay, well,
the only character

who doesn't seem to be
carried away

by the festivities
is Sal, played by Billy Gallo,

who has one of the best lines
in the movie when he says,

"Hey, I live in a nice house
with plastic

slipcovers on the furniture."
You know?

Meaning he doesn't
do anything as kinky

as these other people, you know?

But "Night of the Demons" was
Kevin Tenney's second feature.

The first picture
he made was "Witchboard,"

which got much better reviews,
and in fact,

I want to -- I want to --
I got to read this quote.

This is a quote
from "The New York Times" review

of "Night of the Demons."

"'Night of the Demons'
is stupid."

[Laughs]

That's how it starts.
"It is sexist.

At 89 minutes,
it feels unforgivably long.

And it is just
the most obvious mark

of the film's
total ineptitude

that a story clearly marked
for Halloween

is arriving in time
for Thanksgiving.

But at least it gives you
something extra

to be thankful for --
not seeing this piece of trash.

You might as well be grateful
for small favors."

Okay, well,
you'll be happy to know

that the public
did not agree.

"Night of the Demons"
was a hit all over the world.

[Cheers and applause]

But when Kevin Tenney

got the original script
from Joe Augustyn,

Philly's own Joe Augustyn,
the title was "Halloween Party."

So Moustapha Akkad, the owner
of the "Halloween" franchise,

got really upset
when he heard about that title,

and he threatened
legal action.

Well, you can't really own
the word Halloween.

And, so, the producer told him,
"Look,

we already have insurance
that will cover us

in case you file
a stupid lawsuit against us."

And Moustapha Akkad said, "Okay,

maybe you would beat me
in a lawsuit,

but it will take so long to win
that lawsuit that your insurance

will never again
be as cheap as it is today.

So, this is apparently
how producers talk

to each other in Hollywood.
So they changed it

because they did not want
to deal with Moustapha Akkad.

The distributor wanted
to call it "Demon Boogie."

[Laughter]

Which I kind of
like that title.

But nobody else liked the title.

Kevin Tenney
brought in 50 titles,

and the one that got picked
by the producers

was "Night of the Demons."

The budget was under $1 million

and they lucked into
that house in downtown LA.

Don't go looking
for the house, though,

'cause it was torn down
for a Ralphs supermarket.

And they say
the frozen food section

of that Ralphs supermarket
is demon possessed to this day.

So beware those Jimmy Dean

breakfast sandwiches
if you shop there.

But they do a great job
making the house look like

it was out
in the middle of nowhere.

It was actually surrounded
by buildings.

It was surrounded
by heavy traffic.

It was all done with shooting it
from the right angles.

And, actually, I haven't talked
much about Kevin Tenney.

I should say a little bit about
Kevin Tenney, the director.

I've known Kevin for years.

He used to be a regular at these
Tuesday night spaghetti suppers

they had at this dive Italian
restaurant on Melrose Avenue.

And all the character actors

would come to these spaghetti
suppers on Tuesday night.

And if you love
tough guy character actors,

which you know --
which I do, I love you.

So I love Kevin because he loved
tough guy character actors.

So he was a military brat
who went to USC film school.

He made "Witchboard,"
"The Cellar,"

"Witchtrap," "Peacemaker"
with Robert Forster,

another regular at Maddy's
on Melrose.

"Brain Dead, the one about
the people stranded in

a desert fishing lodge
that's besieged by zombies.

You know, "Brain Dead."
The second "Arrival."

The 2009 "Bigfoot."

Yes. He made a cutesy
family film called "Bigfoot."

Kevin always has a movie
in the works,

but his directing style
is just all over the lot.

He makes all kinds of --
He made "Pinocchio's Revenge."

-[Gasps]
-Isn't that one of yours?

That's one of
your favorites, right?

-Yes.
-"Pinocchio's Revenge."

-I love that.
-Are you the only fan

of "Pinocchio's Revenge"?
-No, right?

-I don't think "Pinocchio's --"
-Thank you.

-All right.
"Pinocchio's Revenge" fans.

-Go, "Pinocchio's Revenge."
-Right here at the Mahoning.

But I should be asking
Linnea and Amelia,

how is Kevin to work with?
-On a shoestring,

he put some of the most
innovative scenes on film

that that hold up today.
-Like the one where

the mirrors broken...
-With a broken mirror.

-...and then you can
see the cast

in the broken pieces of mirror.
-And he had to place

each one of us
so that the camera didn't show.

It was really tricky.

And there were so many things
that he created

because this is the beauty
of low budget.

There was no money.
-Yeah.

-So you've got to be
incredibly creative.

I mean, at one point,
Steve Johnson was off camera

smoking cigarettes, blowing the
smoke frantically into tubes.

The tubes were laced
through my dress,

and the cigarette smoke starts
wafting out of my wrists.

-Wow.
-Of the dress.

So, I mean, it was really like,
you know, making a movie out

at the Mahoning Drive-in
in the rain.

[Cheering]

-And you know,
I'm free later, just in case.

Just so you know.

-What about you, Linnea?
How was working with Kevin?

-I thought it was really fun
working with Kevin.

He just kind of let us go
with our characters,

and we had a ball with it.

-Well, he had to
let you go with them.

There were 10 characters.
-That's right. That's right.

-He had no time.
-Right.

-Okay. Well, there you have it,

straight from
the she-demon's mouth.

One more question,
though, ladies.

How come some of the people
in the movie

transform into demons,
but others just die?

-Budget.

-Budget?

[Laughter]

Okay. Thank you. All right.

Darcy, are you getting questions
and comments from the audience?

-I am.
-From the drive-in audience,

because we actually have a
drive-in mail basket over here.

-Bring us your questions.
Please.

-If you have mailbag,

please bring it up and put it
in Austin's mail basket,

and Darcy will get the question
and give it to me.

We'll deal with those
at the next break.

So, back to the flick.
What?

-We're going to roll it.
-Oh, oh! We're running --

We're running to the end?
-Yeah.

-All right.
No fifth break in this movie.

There is no next break.

But, so, now for
the thrilling conclusion.

[Laughter]

[Cheering]

-Good save, good save.

-"Night of the Demons."
So, thanks, Linnea.

Thanks, Amelia.
Please show your appreciation.

-Thank you.
-Whoo!

[Cheers and applause]

-Whoo-hoo!
-This is...

-Thank you.

-We have the entire
she-demon squad

from "Night of the Demons."

And does anybody remember
the tag line for this movie?

What the poster said?

We had it on the standees
at the box office.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

"Angela is having a party.

Jason and Freddy
are too scared to come...

But you'll have
a hell of a time."

Now, notice they don't mention
Michael Myers, no doubt

because of the litigious
Moustapha Akkad.

But so corny.
But people loved this tag line.

And speaking of corny,
how many movies have you seen

where people have sex
in a coffin? All right?

79? 134?

And how many movies
have you seen

where they just laugh and play

and have sex in the coffin
and get out of the coffin

and it's a cute
little interlude?

Zero, right?
So, if you get in the coffin,

you do not come out
of the coffin.

It seems like they would notice
this even as teenagers.

Not that anybody in this movie
was a teenager.

-No.

-Linnea, were there any actual
teens in the cast?

-I think Philip Tanzini
was the closest to a teen,

but not a teen.
-Really?

-I was like 25.
-You were 25 when you made it?

-Yes.
-All right.

Well, once you slather
on that demon makeup,

though,
everybody's the same, right?

And most of the cast
is in the demon makeup

for most of the movie.
-Yes.

-So, what was your longest
makeup day?

-Probably 13 to 14 hours.

-Just doing the makeup?
Just doing the makeup, yes.

-Wow. Well, it was worth it,
you know.

-Yes.

-'Cause you both made -- What
was your longest makeup day?

-Well, same, I would say.

I mean, they took -- When I got
hot slimed over half my body --

So the demon makeup
was six hours,

the slime another three,
so that was nine hours.

And then, we'd stay up
and shoot all night.

And then, it was method acting.
-Yes.

-Because after you've been
wearing that all night,

you're ready to kill everybody.
-Really?

But I'm sure, in the long run,
it was worth it

because you both made salaries
in the high two figures, right?

-Yes. Yes. Two-five.
-Yeah.

-26 bucks.
27 bucks, something like that.

-After taxes? Yes.

-$12.
-Yes. $12.

[Cheering]

♪♪

-[Groans]

An air shaft?

No wonder why there weren't
any boards on the window.

Can't get the fuck outta here.

[Grunts]

Thank heaven for water pipes.

♪♪

♪♪

[Distant jingling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaking]

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasping]

Rodger!

-[Growls]
-[Screams]

♪♪

-[Growls]
-[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Growls softly]

♪♪

♪♪

-Judy!
-[Gasps]

-Judy!

-Shh.

-Judy, look out!

-Enjoying the view?

-Judy!

♪♪

-[Screams]

♪♪

-[Grunts]

Aah!

[Thud]

-[Whimpering]

Oh, God, please
don't let me fall!

-Judy, work your way
over this way.

-[Whimpering]

-Come on, Judy.

Yeah, come on,
just a little further.

-[Whimpering]

I can't do it!

-Yes, you can!

Come on, woman, do it!

Don't look down, girl.

-Oh, Sal!

-Come on.
You're almost home.

God! Judy, hurry up!

♪♪

-[Screams]

-Ugh!

You all right?

-Yeah, I think so.

-[Growls]
-Oh, shit!

-[Screams]

♪♪

-Oh, don't tell me
you're leaving?

Sal wanted to go,
but he decided to stick around.

[Evil laugh]

♪♪

-Oh, my God!

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Growling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Door slams]

[Both breathing heavily]

[Laughing]

-[Sobbing]

-Shh, shh, Rodg, come on,
it'll be all right.

Please don't cry.

We're gonna make it.

I know we're gonna make it.

-You really think so?

-You already saved my life
once tonight, didn't you?

That had to be for something,
right, Rodg?

-I guess so.

-There's a door.

Look, Rodg.

Maybe we can get out.

-A door?
-Yeah, look.

-Judy...

Wait, don't!

-We can't wait, Rodg.

We gotta try.

There's no other way out.

-First, let's pray.

My daddy, he told me how
to pray real good.

Come on.

-I've been praying all night,
Rodg.

We gotta go now.

[Door clicks, creaks]

♪♪

My God, what is this?

There's all this pipe
running along the wall.

It's weird.

[Water dripping]

[Eerie music plays]

♪♪

[Dramatic music plays]

[Whimpers]

-What, what's wrong?

-[Breathing heavily]

It's an oven.

-A what?

-It's an oven, Rodg.

This is a crematorium.

[Banging, eerie growling]

[Banging, growling intensify]

[Growling]

-Open the door, Rodg.

We don't want you.
We want the bitch.

You know we'd never hurt
a nice little boy like you.

-Go to hell, you dirty bastards!

-Well, not tonight, my boy.
Oh, no, not tonight.

Rest assured we've got something
wonderful planned for you.

So much pain.
So much sorrow.

-Did you hear what they said,
Rodg?

"Not tonight."

They won't go to hell tonight
because...

because it's Halloween, right?

That's why they won't go
to hell tonight, right?

Because it's the one night
of the year they don't have to.

Remember what Helen said, Rodg?

Didn't she say that tonight's
a special night of evil?

Remember?

Didn't she say that tonight's
the one night of the year

when all things unclean
are free to roam among us?

Remember?

That's what she said,
Rodg, right?

I think if we just hang out here
until -- till dawn,

we'll be all right.

-Yeah. Yeah.

I-I bet you're right.

-Judy...

[Metal clinks]

-Oh, dear God, no.

♪♪

-I warned you this house
was possessed, didn't I?

-We can't let them get us, Rodg.

We can't give up, Rodg.

♪♪

[Metal clinks]

We've gotta find a weapon.

A pipe!

♪♪

[Grunting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Hissing]

Gas!

[Grunting]

[Metal clinks]

♪♪

[Door rattling]

♪♪

[Lighter clicking]

♪♪

♪♪

[Door bangs]

-[Growling]

[Screaming]

[Screaming continues]

-I can't stop it, Rodg!
Help me!

Please come and help me!

Find the valve, Rodg, the valve!

[Breathing heavily]

[Dramatic music plays]

-[Screams]

-Rodger, wait!

♪♪

[Doors creaking, slamming]

♪♪

[Creaking, slamming continue]

♪♪

[Breathing heavily]

Rodger!

-We can't get out.
We can't get out!

-Rodger.

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

-Judy...
-Oh, Jay, no!

-Why hast thou forsaken me?

-What's the matter, Judy?

Don't you like your blind date?

-[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Growling]

♪♪

-You won't get me!

♪♪

-Rodger!

-[Growling]

♪♪

-I'm alive.

I'm alive!

♪♪

-[Breathing shakily]

♪♪

-You made it! We're out!

-No, Rodg, we have to
get past the wall.

♪♪

We have to cross over
the underground stream.

♪♪

[Breathing heavily]

-Where you going?
-We have to get to the gate!

-There is no gate.
-The gate's over here, Rodg!

-There is no gate, come on!

-Ow!

Ow! [Sobs]

-[Growling] Rodger...

-[Groaning]

♪♪

[Screaming]

[Grunting]

♪♪

Judy, give me your hand.
Come on.

-[Groans, whimpers]

♪♪

[Grunting]

♪♪

-[Growling]

♪♪

-Oww! Rodger!

[Sobs]

-[Growling]

-[Sobbing]

Help me, Rodger!

-[Snarling]

-[Screaming]

[Hissing]

[Screaming continues]

♪♪

♪♪

-Judy, Rodger, where ya going?

The party's just begun.

-[Screaming]

♪♪

-Rodger! Rodger!

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

Help, Rodger, help!

[Screaming continues]

♪♪

Rodger, help!

[Whimpering]

♪♪

-Climb, girl, climb!

♪♪

[Screaming continues]

♪♪

[All snarling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Wind howling]

-[Growling]

[Growling intensifies]

[Screeching]

[High-pitched tone]

♪♪

♪♪

[Leaves crunching]

-Rotten pig trash.

Been out all night, huh?

[Chuckles]

Eh, they'll all rot in hell.

[Scoffs] Kids.

[Birds chirping]

-Good morning, dear.

-Yeah, what's so good about it?

-Better drink your coffee
before it gets cold.

-Eh.

-Is it good, dear?

-Eh, it's okay.

-Just okay?

You used to love
my homemade pies.

-Homemade?

When did you make this?

-I've been up for hours,
sleepyhead.

I made it while you were getting
your beauty rest.

-Last night?

-There weren't as many
trick-or-treaters last night.

Not like the good old days.

I had to do something
with all those leftover apples.

I still can't understand
why you buy so many.

♪♪

-Ugh! Aah!

[Shouting]

[Groans]

♪♪

[Smooches]

-Happy Halloween, dear.

♪♪

-♪ Here we stand
on the edge of it all ♪

♪ Can you feel like a winner? ♪

♪ We built it so high,
we can't stand the fall ♪

♪ Inside each man,
there's a sinner ♪

♪♪

♪ If we live for the hour ♪

♪ If we live for
the next billion years ♪

♪ Down to the last man ♪

♪ We'll be fighting
the beast inside ♪

♪ Down to the last man ♪

♪ Down to the last man ♪

♪ It's alive in our hearts,
it feeds on our pride ♪

♪ The beast inside ♪

♪♪

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

♪♪

♪ Used to be,
when a man lost his mind ♪

♪ The damage he did
couldn't linger ♪

♪ But the rules
have all changed ♪

♪ And the stakes
have been raised ♪

♪ It could end
with the touch of a finger ♪

♪♪

♪ Can hope spring eternal ♪

♪ Where mistakes can be
larger than life? ♪

♪ Down to the last man ♪

♪ We'll be fighting
the beast inside ♪

♪ Gonna face the beast tonight ♪

♪ Down to the last man ♪

♪ It's alive in our hearts,
it feeds on our pride ♪

♪ The beast ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Aaaaaah, aah ♪

♪ Down to the last man ♪

♪ We'll be fighting
the beast inside ♪

♪ It's down to the last man ♪

♪ Down to the last man ♪

♪ It's alive in our hearts,
it feeds on our pride ♪

♪ The beast insii-iii-iiiiiide ♪

♪ The beast insii-iii-iiiiiide ♪

♪♪

[Cheers and applause]

-All right.

Okay!

I am not sure what it means

that the wife of the grumpy
old man kisses him on the head

'cause she knew that there were
razor blades in the apples.

But I'm assuming any other scene
in the movie makes sense.

So, yeah, great ending!

That was Harold Ayer.

[Cheers and applause]
[Laughs]

That was Harold Ayer
as the old man.

He's a British character actor,

best known for being
the son of Nat Ayer.

And Nat Ayer was one of the
greatest songwriters of his era,

which was a long time ago.

Basically, the era of
Edwardian musical comedy,

which I'm sure nobody here
wants to hear about.

But Nat Ayer wrote songs like
"Oh, You Beautiful Doll"

and "If You Were
the Only Girl [In the World]"

and all the hit musicals
at the Gaiety Theatre

in the West End of London,
light operettas.

In the 30 years between the
Gilbert and Sullivan operettas

that petered out
in the 1890s

and the big American musicals
that started in the '30s.

I just said nobody wants
to hear about this

and here I am talking about it.

So, yes, I'm talking about
Edwardian musical comedy

as a gloss on a gross-out,

death-by-eating-razor-blades
scene.

D'Arcy!
-Yes. [Chuckles]

-Did you get some mail
from the audience?

-I did, yeah.
-Okay.

[Cheers and applause]
Get some of it ready.

-Okay.
-Get some of it ready.

So, we had three excellent
set pieces

in that final section of
"Night of the Demons."

We had the part where Sal
gets a stake through the heart,

and Judy is hanging off
the side of the building.

We had the part
where Judy and Rodger

use the gas pipe
of the crematorium

to set zombie Stooge
and zombie Angela on fire.

And we have the final
clawing over the wall,

bloodying their hands
on the barbed wire scene,

with Rodger overcoming.

It was actually kind of
refreshing that they have

Rodger occasionally
bursting into tears and cowering

and having to be
comforted by Judy,

even though he's the survivor.

That's Alvin Alexis
who played Rodger,

and he had come out to L.A.
from New York

to try to make it as an actor,
but he had totally given up

and he had his plane ticket
back east.

And he got a call
from his agent

telling him he could audition
for this part.

But the audition
was at the same time

his plane back home
was taking off,

and he had
a nonrefundable ticket.

So, if he didn't get the part,

he would be homeless
on the streets.

So, he thought about it
a long time

and he decided to risk it,
and he got the part.

And that's Kathy Podewell
who plays Judy,

also unknown at the time.

She was working as a waitress.

But she would later
become fairly famous

on the long-running show
"Dallas"

as J.R.'s hot second wife.

Um, did you...

Now, did you notice how much
smoke they used in this movie?

Virtually every scene
has smoke in it,

and it was partly to cover up
the geography of the movie.

That house has no geography.
You never know where you are.

You know, which kind of works
for the story.

But it's no longer legal
to use that smoke.

That's the nasty smoke
from Hollywood's Golden Age,

and it wasn't meant to be used
in those quantities.

So, people had weird mucus
coming out of their bodies

after being in that smoke
all day.

If you listen to the commentary
track on this movie,

all the people talk
about their blue boogers,

which is information I really
could've done without.

However, I feel better now
'cause I've shared it with you.

So, the movie had a little bit
of trouble with the MPAA.

They had to trim the scene where
Angela bites off Stooge's tongue

and the scene where Linnea
gouges out Jay's eyeballs.

Um, the flick...

They tested the flick
on 18 screens in Detroit,

including --
it played at the famous

Ford-Wyoming Drive-in
in Detroit, and it...

[Cheers and applause]

Yeah!
Some Detroit people are here.

And it performed
really well there,

so they moved on to 73 screens
in L.A. on Halloween

and then 93 screens in
New York City at Thanksgiving,

and history was made.

And Joe Augustyn, the writer,

was never quite satisfied
with the film

because several major things
got cut out of it.

The original opening had
a priest blessing the audience

to protect them
from the demons.

He had a gay couple
going to the party.

That got cut.

He had Max filling his
doctor's bag with real drugs.

That was cut.

He had Judy's little brother
from the opening scene

sneaking into Hull House.

That was cut
due to child labor laws.

And he had
Judy and Rodger kissing.

That was taken out
of the movie

as, quote,
"ahead of its time."

So, and of course, there was
a "Night of the Demons 2."

It came out in 1994.

Darcy, you're the sequel expert.

Did you see part two?

-Of course, yeah.

-"Night of the Demons 2."
Did you like it?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

-"Night of the Demons 3"
in 1997.

Did you see that one?
-I've seen it. It's...

-Not so good, huh?
-Yeah.

-Okay.

Big question --

the remake in 2009.

-I love the remake.

-Of course you love the remake.
-It's not better,

but it's still good.

-Is it better?

-It's not better,
but it's really good.

-All right.

All right, let's open up
the old viewer mail bag,

which in this case
is random people

coming up from the crowd
and handing questions to Darcy.

So, did you get some good ones?
-I have a lot.

So, I wish I could ask you
more than three, but...

-All right. Go ahead.

-The first one's from Instagram.
It's, uh...

"My question for Joe Bob is,

what movie on the Video Nasty
list is your favorite

and which disgusts you
the most?"

From Chia from Jersey City,
New Jersey.

-Okay. Um...

Well, I mean, obviously,
"The Texas Chain Saw Massacre"

is gonna be my favorite
Video Nasty list.

-Yeah.
[Cheers and applause]

-Um...

The Video Nasties -- I mean,
there were like 50 or 60 of them

from the --
that were banned in the U.K.

-72!

-72. Thank you.
[Audience cheers]

Boy, you can't --
you can't fool this audience.

-True.

-So, um, the...

Probably the only one
that was a little disturbing

to me at the time
was "Faces of Death,"

because that was real people
being shown

in their final moments.
-Is it really?

-So, I would say,
I have to say "Faces of Death."

I mean, no movie
totally disgusts me.

But, but "Faces of Death," yeah.

-I'll accept that answer.
-All right.

-Okay.
-What else?

-What is your favorite
silent horror film?

From Adam and Adriana
in Monroe, Michigan.

-Well, you know,
if you take film class,

they always say --
they always say

it's either "Nosferatu"
or "Cabinet of Dr. Caligari."

But the one that's most fun
is "Phantom of the Opera."

It would have to be
"Phantom of the Opera."

Don't you think?
-I like that answer.

-Yeah. "Phantom of the Opera."

[Light applause]

-It's a good one.

-There's 10 people here
who watch silent films.

Okay? So...

-I love them.
[Laughter]

All right. You ready?
-Yeah.

-What is a horror trope
you want to see more of?

And what's one that
you never want to see again?

And I think it's from Eric Butts
from Lexington, Kentucky.

-Okay. Lexington, Kentucky.
-I think.

-A horror what?
-Trope.

-A horror trope
I never want to see again?

-And one that you want
to see more of.

-Um, one I never
want to see again

is people that are
in a horror movie

talking about being
in a horror movie.

How many of those have you...

-Only "Scream" can have it.

-That started with "Scream,"
and it's just, like,

way, way too much, you know?

It's like, I'll...

I watch a lot of recent films
and, like,

that's, like, over and over
and over and over again.

Um, what would I want to see...

What would I want
to see more of?

People don't take time
to do a proper exploding head.

[Cheers and applause]

You know?
They cut away too fast.

Now, even Tom Savini in 1979

was doing extremely impressive
exploding heads.

And then the exploding head
has gotten worse and worse

and worse over the years.
-That's true.

-Because people think,

"Oh, you want to do
an exploding head?

Nah, it's been done before."

It hasn't been done wellbefore.

You know, you can always
do a new one.

So, that would be my favorite.

That would be the horror trope
I want to see more of.

All right. All right.
We're gonna do this.

We're gonna do that again
with the second movie

because the second movie
is a giallo.

[Cheers and applause]
All right?

And I'm sure we have
some Italian movie lovers

here at the Drive-In, right?
[Audience cheers]

So, you guys are gonna geek out
all over the second movie.

And bring those questions
right up to the stage,

and Darcy will process
those questions.

And in the meantime,
I'm Joe Bob Briggs,

and we have evidence right here

at the Mahoning Drive-in
in Lehighton, Pennsylvania,

that indeed,
the drive-in will never die.

[Cheers and applause]

-Okay.

Okay. Now.

I should have ended the show,
but I have to annoy you, Darcy.

-Yeah, I know.
[Chuckles]

-A priest, a Baptist minister,

and a rabbit...
-Okay.

...walk into the Red Cross
to donate blood.

Did you get that?
-I got it.

-A priest, a Baptist minister,
and a rabbit...

-A rabbit.
-...are going to donate blood.

The nurse says,
"What's your blood type?"

And the rabbit says,

"I'm probably a typo."

[Laughter and applause]

-Boo! Boo!

-They got it. They got it.
-Boo. No, no, no, no.

-All right, all right.

Okay. All right.
Here's an easy one.

Guy walks into a bar.
He says to the bartender,

"What's the Wi-Fi password?"

The bartender says, "You need
to buy a drink first."

The guy says, "Okay.
I'll have a beer."

Bartender says, "$8."

The guy forks over the $8

and says, "Okay, so what's
the Wi-Fi password?"

The bar says, "You need
to buy a drink first.

No spaces, all lowercase."

[Laughter]

-I like it better.
I'll -- I'll take it.

[Applause]

♪♪

-♪ We are drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ Drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ We are not like
other people ♪

♪ We are sick ♪
-♪ Sick ♪

-♪ We are disgusting ♪
-♪ Disgusting ♪

-♪ We believe in,
we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ If life had a vomit meter ♪

♪ We'd be off the scale ♪
-♪ Off the scale ♪

-♪ As long as one drive-in
remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like
jungle animals ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪