Original subtitles

["Silent Night"plays]

♪♪

[Fire crackling]

♪♪

-Oh.

Welcome back. I didn't see you there.

You know...

You know, Darcy... -Mm-hm.

-Sometimes, at Christmas, we watch heartfelt dramas

about families and passionate struggles

and the triumph of hope over despair.

And that brings us into the spirit of the holiday season.

And then, sometimes, what you really need

is a giant homicidal cookie

possessed by the ghost of Gary Busey.

-Hell yeah. -And so, you know,

we had a lot to choose from this year.

And part of me wanted to watch "Fourth Down and Love."

[Laughter] That movie about the,

you know, the single mom who meets a pro football player

at her son's flag football game

and helps him climb back

from a potentially career-ending injury.

So, I mean,

it gets to me every time. -Stop.

-Another part of me wanted to program

"Love in the Great Smoky Mountains:

A National Park Romance." [Laughter]

That's where the two former sweethearts

meet at an archeological dig in East Tennessee,

and they're forced to work together and raising questions

about whether their love will be reignited.

And, um --

And then, we came very close to showing

"Christmas on Wheels,"

which was the heartwarming yet zany story of Ashley,

who enlists the help of an attorney

to recover her mom's vintage convertible,

which is a car full of Christmas memories.

-Stop saying things. -But what it came down to

for the Board of Holiday Planners

here at the last "Drive-In," was a single question,

and that question was, "What movie best exemplifies,

not just the spirit of Christmas,

but the spirit of the 'Drive-In,'

and the spirit of people

who order Chinese food from Uber Eats on Christmas Day?"

And once you understand it that way,

there's only one choice.

And that choice is "Gingerdead Man."

-Yay. -Now, in order to understand

the Gingerdead Man, uh,

you must first understand

the vile satanic history of gingerbread.

Um, I-I have a question for you, Darcy.

When you eat a gingerbread man,

and something tells me you are no stranger to gingerbread.

-[Chuckles] OK. Yeah. I like gingerbread.

-Which part of the gingerbread man do you eat first?

You have several choices. -Um...

I feel like I start with the legs.

-The legs? Oh.

See, that shows what a humane

and loving individual you are. -Uh-huh. It does?

-Yeah, because people who immediately bite

the head off of the gingerbread man,

and I count myself among their number,

are probably capable of cannibalism.

Because gingerbread men were invented by witches

in the Middle Ages as voodoo cookies,

as a way to execute death curses on the people they hated.

And there were even military generals

who used them to vanquish their enemies.

Um, goes back, actually to the festival of Saturnalia in Rome,

2,400 years ago,

where man-shaped biscuits were invented

so that revelers, after several days of drinking,

eating, carousing,

could participate in a human sacrifice.

So, death, Darcy,

gingerbread is all about death,

and, uh, those pudgy little molasses creatures,

with the candy eyes and the icing smile,

contain within them the tools of Satan.

[Laughter] Now, in Nuremberg, Germany,

the world capital of gingerbread.

Did you know that, Nuremberg

is the world capital of gingerbread.

-Who doesn't? -Um, the gingerbread house...

-Mm-hm. -...was inspired

by the Grimm brothers' fairy tale "Hansel and Gretel."

If you'll recall, two children are abandoned in the woods

and lured into a compound

where they are fattened up for slaughter,

because they're victims of a witch's gingerbread house.

So, gingerbread is all about pedophiliac cannibalism, Darcy,

and the consumption of children by nefarious scumbags.

And in fact, the genesis of the word gingerdead,

as opposed to gingerbread,

comes from the use of white icing to create skeleton bones

on an otherwise healthy slab of gingerbread.

It's a cruel dessert that contains not just ginger,

but blackstrap molasses, the elixir of assassins.

-I had no idea. -Well, now, you know.

And that brings us to our second movie

on this "Creepy Christmas" night.

-Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! [Laughter]

-John. -[Groans]

-You know what, John?

This is no longer funny or interesting

or even remotely polite.

You do not have to come through that thing.

-Ho! Ho! Ho! -John.

John, have a -- have a gingerbread man cookie

and a -- and a carton of milk.

-No, don't do it, Santa. -All right.

-I agree with my friend Darcy here.

No time for cookies,

because I have another auction item for you,

Joseph Robert. -I'm sure you do.

-You know what it is?

-I have no ide--

-Your head. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

It's from the "Walpurgisnacht" episode from Season Five.

-Yay! -Yay!

-When you hacked off my head.

-Yeah. -We have the head.

-Let's do it again. -Oh, yeah.

Great. All right, John. That's enough.

All right. That's fine.

Thank you. -Okay.

-You're helping our auction. -Thank you, Santa.

-Bye. -[Sighs]

-[Chuckles] -All right.

As I was saying, our concluding movie

for "Joe Bob's Creepy Christmas" is the illuminating fable

"Gingerdead Man"... -Yay!

-...in which a serial killer shoots up a diner

and gets the death penalty.

But he comes back to exact his revenge in the form

of a gooey bakery product that talks like Gary Busey.

Sure, we've seen it before, but have we seen it

with edible frosting, I think not.

So, let's look at those "Drive-In" totals

and get started, we have...

"Drive-In" Academy Award nominations for Robin Sydney

for surviving the Gingerbread Man Massacre,

and telling her dead brother, "I hope, they have strippers

and Lone Star up there in heaven."

Gary Busey as deranged killer Millard Findlemeyer.

[Laughs] Uh, Somebody

as the wrestling-obsessed sidekick

who accidentally drips blood

into Grandma's gingerbread seasoning.

I can't remember the guy's name.

And Somebody Else as the whiskey-guzzling mama

who shoots up the neighborhood with a rifle.

And then, there's that girl who's the bitchy Lorna,

miss pretty face of Waco, and then, the guy who's Amos,

uh, the hunk of local man meat who says,

"How much dough can you make on a talking cookie?"

And, of course, Charles Band...

-Whoo! -...the director,

for doing things, the "Drive-In" way.

Three stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

Forgot the names of those actors. [Laughs]

-I know. Too much -- Too much Lone Star, man.

-All right. Oh, man.

You know, Queen Elizabeth I,

you should -- you should know this, Darcy.

-I should? -The one from the 16th century.

-Of course. -Uh, she used to have

the royal baker in England

do a gingerbread man in the shape of every dignitary

who ever came to the royal court.

And a lot of them thought it was creepy,

'cause, you know, she might be trying to have sex with them.

That might be why she's doing it.

-Don't judge. -Then again,

she might be trying to execute 'em.

She might be trying to kill 'em, you know?

And either way, they were screwed, right,

if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

[Laughter] -Wow.

♪♪

[Static]

[Suspenseful orchestral music plays]

-[Screams]

[Cash register dinging, coins shuffling]

-This ain't right.

We got to fight back.

It'll be okay.

You bastard, I'm gonna fuckin' kill you!

[Gunshot]

-[Groaning]

[Crash]

-There's somebody in here.

I smell something in the air.

Smells feminine.

-[Cries softly]

-[Stuttering] Hey, I'm unarmed.

OK, hold on.

That's my dad.

What do you want with us?

We don't have anything.

OK. Just take your stuff and get out of here.

-Shut up.

-Put your gun down, please.

-Shut up.

Say it again and mean it.

-Put your gun down, please.

-You're ordering me?

-Put your gun down, please.

-You sound like a sissy boy.

-Put your gun down, please.

-Now, you're sounding like my high school principal.

-Put your gun down, please.

-I'm sorry, that's your dad, but welcome to Earth, pal.

What do you think, the gun's right in front of you?

[Thud]

[Squelches]

When are you kids gonna learn?

-[Crying]

Kitty.

Here, Kitty.

-[Whimpers] -Here, Kitty.

Here, Kitty.

Here, Kitty. Kitty. Kitty.

Let me see you.

-[Whimpers]

-You don't have to be afraid.

The next time you go out to a place,

I want you to look for something safe.

And I'm required to do what my mother always taught me.

And that's to finish what I started.

And I'm not gonna kill ya.

But I have to honor my mother.

[Sneers] Mother.

[Yells] [Gunshot]

-[Screams] -[Yells]

[Sirens wailing]

Oh, shit.

[Sinister, whimsical orchestral music plays]

[Crickets chirping]

-Not bad.

Story of my life.

[Tender chiming music plays]

Happy birthday, big brother.

I almost forgot.

I guess we won't be driving to Dallas

to celebrate the big 2-1 after all, huh?

Wherever you are up there,

I hope they have strippers and Lone Star.

I miss you guys.

[Suspenseful orchestral music plays]

-I'll get you for this.

Even from beyond the grave

because my mama's rich in Coonsboro.

You are finished. [Knocking]

-[Gasps]

Could you use the front entrance, please?!

[Knocking]

Brick?

Calm down, Sarah, just a delivery person.

[Gloomy brass music plays]

-Fear not, little lady.

The missing supplies finally reared their ugly heads.

-Thanks, Brick.

Something else was just left at the back porch too.

-Cool.

Must be that gingerbread seasoning.

But, more importantly,

I've got two tickets for tonight's Wrestle-a-palooza.

They're even gonna let amateurs compete tonight.

A mosh pit of tag team damage and body slammage.

[Growls]

This could be my shot at the big time.

"And in this corner, straight from Hell's Kitchen,

The Butcher-Baker."

-Sounds like fun.

Give me some of that seasoning, will you?

I'll test it when I put it in the muffins.

-Sure.

[Sinister chiming music]

You OK, Sarah?

-Yeah, sorry.

Today would have been Jeremy's birthday.

He wanted to spend it at the titty bar.

-[Laughs] Can you blame him?

You know, I still keep expecting him

to show up for work every day.

Your dad puttin' on his apron,

poundin' the dough, and Jeremy...

-Jeremy comin' in late 'cause he overslept.

Telling Dad some dirty joke

to keep him from getting yelled at.

[Laughing] Aww, heck!

-Oh. Don't move, Brick.

[Sinister orchestral music plays]

Do you want me to take you to the doctor?

-[Groans]

The Butcher-Baker needs no doctor.

He can always take the heat.

-Come on, Brick.

-Go.

I'm OK, really.

-I can take you to get stitches if you need it.

OK.

-[Groans]

-Sarah!

-What is it, Julia?

-This says that Findlemeyer was executed 2 days ago.

-That's all you wanted?

The way you were shouting, I thought it was an emergency.

-[Laughs] This is great news!

After 2 years that loco pendejo is finally dead.

Another soul for el diablo.

-Are you gonna finish that birthday cake

'cause it has to be ready by morning?

-Yeah, sure, sure.

It also says here, that after they fried him in the chair,

they cremated him,

and sent his ashes to his mother in Coonsboro.

How sick is that?

[Vibrant brassy fanfare plays]

-Greetings, Masked Mercenary.

We meet at last.

Prepare to meet your maker, for tonight, your ass is toast.

Your ass -- Your ass is toast.

[Creepy chorus music]

[Whispering diabolical voice]

-The birthday cake.

-Oh, sure thing, boss.

Sorry.

-No, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to be short with you.

It's just I need all the help, you know.

Especially with Mom.

-I know, it's my bad.

I'll do better.

-[Sighs]

[Gunshot]

[Histrionic orchestral music]

-Them bastards think they're gonna get the better of me,

do they?

[Laughs]

We'll see about that.

[Gunshot]

[Gunshot]

[Laughs]

That ought to teach ya! [Laughs]

-What are you doing?

-Oh, them bastards think they can just come in here

and take over, Sarah.

And we're not gonna let 'em.

-I think maybe you've had enough aguardiente, Mrs. Leigh.

-Oh, now you're lookin' to get fired, girl.

-Mom, why don't you go home and get some rest?

-No, Sarah, listen to me.

Them sons of bitches think they can just move in here

and take over.

They -- They want to run us out of business.

And -- And they can do it too, because what chance have we got

up against some big ol' statewide chain?

I mean, just look at us.

-No one's gonna run you out.

OK?

Listen to me, Mom.

You and Dad built this place from the ground up,

and there's no way I'm gonna let anyone

take that away from you.

-You promise? -Promise.

Come on now. -[Exhales sharply]

-Julia will give you a ride home.

-Okey doke. -I'm gonna be home in a bit.

-Come on, Mrs. Leigh, let's go.

-All right, well, I'm just gonna take a little nap,

and then I'll come back over and help you.

OK? -OK.

-Let's go.

[Suspenseful chiming music]

[Whispering diabolical voice]

[Static]

-Okay, guys, you missed one down there.

All right, I don't want anything coming through that chimney,

especially, a jolly fake Santa Claus.

-Aw. He's going to be so disappointed.

-I'm tired of it, Darcy. He's a fur-suited terrorist.

And, well, there is a lot going on

in "The Gingerdead Man"

now that the serial killer's mama has deposited

his ashes on Sarah's doorstep.

Or, at least, I think, that's what happened.

If you put everything together,

that black-cloaked figure rounding the corner in the alley

was the mother of Millard Findlemeyer,

better known as the crazed Gary Busey from...

-Oh! Oh! -[Gasps]

-Oh! [Laughter]

-What the? -Ho, ho, ho.

[Laughs] -John.

-[Gasps] Oh, my God, are you okay, Santa?

-It's Christmas. -I hope not.

-So, I'm great. -Yay.

-Okay. -So, I got a couple

of more items for you guys.

What do you think? -I don't know.

-More items. More items. -More items. More items.

Well, first in my sack,

I have a figurine of Las Vegas Joe Bob.

-What? -Yay!

-Yay! And you will sign this.

You will not be naughty. You must sign this.

Okay? -Okay.

-And the second item that we have,

an AEW experience

with the two of you and Danhausen.

-Yay. -John, you -- you've --

Thank you for selling some more of my time.

Go.

-Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. -[Sighs]

And by the way, we are raising money this hour

for Every Mother Counts, an organization founded in 2003

to bring state-of-the-art medical care

to places that don't have it,

in order to make sure that no woman dies during childbirth.

And, um, there are places in the world, like, Guatemala,

Haiti, Tanzania, Bangladesh

that have shockingly high rates of childbirth mortality.

Um, but the situation is not that much better in Arkansas,

just to use one example, in the United States.

So, Every Mother Counts puts money to work to make sure

having a baby is not fatal to the baby or the mother.

Okay, we have a special guest tonight to lead us

through the intricacies of "The Gingerdead Man."

And it's Sarah Leigh.

Yes, that -- that truly is her character name in the movie.

She's the actress who survives that opening scene,

and later, survives an encounter with Gary Busey in real life.

Please welcome Robin Sydney!

[Cheers and applause] Come on out, Robin.

-Robin! -Good to see you again.

-[Laughing] All right, all right.

-I'm so happy to be here. -Thanks for being here.

All right. Thanks for being here, Robin.

Good to see you again. All right.

Um, we should tell the audience that,

first of all, you actually met your husband

during the filming of this movie, right?

-[Laughing] Yeah. -But you didn't get married

to him until last week.

-Yes! -18 years later.

-Whoo! That's so amazing.

-And even more remarkable, that husband is Charles Band...

-Whoo! -...the director of the movie,

and the owner of Full Moon Entertainment.

And you had that most amazing wedding...

-Thank you. -...at the Hotel Casa del Mar...

-Yeah. [Laughs] -...in Santa Monica, California.

And you had Cirque du Soleil performers there.

And one of the -- You did one of the weirdest things...

-What? -One of them?

-...that anybody has ever done.

You had a "Drive-In" movie critic

officiate at your wedding. -Thank you so much, Joe Bob.

You were so amazing.

You made me and Charlie feel so loved.

-And Darcy, you were there. -Thank you so much.

-Darcy, you were the greatest. -Aw. Thank you for having me.

-Was that a great wedding

or what? -It was amazing.

-You guys are amazing. -All right. All right.

All right, so that's enough on that.

-Okay. Anyways. -All right, so...

-Back to the movie. -I'm going to take you back --

I'm going to take you back to 2005.

-4. -2004.

That's when this was filmed. -Yeah.

-And you got cast in "The Gingerdead Man,"

was that a big deal, at the time?

Was that a big deal for you? -It was like such a big deal.

First, I looked at the script.

I was like, "What, 'The Gingerdead Man'?"

And then, they kept bringing me back, bringing me back.

And I was like, "Oh. Wow."

-You mean you would audition, and they would call you back?

-Yeah, they kept calling me back.

I was like, "For 'The Gingerdead Man'?"

This is so weird. And then, I booked it.

I was like, "What? This is so huge."

-I saw that casting notice when I lived in Seattle.

I wanted to audition so bad, just because of the title.

I'm like, "Gingerdead Man?" That's why I moved to LA.

Like, one of the reasons, like,

I don't want to ever miss a "Gingerdead Man" audition.

-That's why you moved to LA. -It's one of the reasons. Yes.

-That is so cool. -It's like, I have to be there

for stuff like "Gingerdead Man."

-Because you missed "The Gingerdead Man" audition.

-Yes. But I'm glad it went to you.

-All right, so. All right, so. -Anyway, yay.

-I-I assume this was a low-paying job?

-I mean... -I'm just guessing.

-I mean, I was, like, not even caring about the money.

I'd have done it for free. I was like, "Whoo!"

Like, I get to work.

-Okay, so you're cast one day, and you're like,

on the set the next day.

-Yeah, legit, like, Sunday, they told me,

and they were like, you're filming on Monday.

-Wow. Okay.

-And I was, like, just cramming the lines in my head.

-And so, you go and you meet your director, Charles Band?

-Yeah. Yes. -Now, did you instantly

fall in love with Charles Band?

-It was very professional on set at first.

I mean, always on set. [Laughter]

-Okay. -Um, although, I will say,

there was a moment where we looked at each other

across the room, and it was, like,

a connection, but it was super profesh.

-Really? -Yeah, and then...

-18 years ago? -Yes.

-Okay. -And then, um, we filmed

the whole, um, the movie.

And then, we actually had reshoots,

and he made me some sweet tea.

And then...[Laughs] -I like how risqué

you said that, sweet tea... -Yeah.

-...if you know what I mean? -Whoa. Sweet tea.

He made the sweet tea move. [Laughter]

-But there were these monster lemons...

-Never fails. -...from his tree.

They legit look like an alien.

-He raises lemons?

Charles Band is just full of surprises.

-Yeah, and -- and he even gave me a whole bag of them.

Like, I opened my door, and there was just a pile

of these monster lemons, I was, like, "What?"

And I call him. And he's like, "Oh, yeah,

like, I'd love for you to help me sell my, uh,

puppets and dolls." -Wait a minute.

-What? -He gave you the lemons...

-Yeah. [Laughter]

-...in order to get you to help him sell stuff?

-Well, he basically wanted to get my attention.

-How Charles is that, though? -This is the romance.

This is the romance with Charles Band?

-Monster lemons and apricots.

I-I'm actually -- I love food, like, a lot, like,

"Gingerdead Man," food. -Okay.

And why did -- Why did he peg you

as a sales person for his merch? -Well, he knew I had

a business with my mom.

We design, sell, manufacture, distribute.

He's like, "Oh, okay, so why don't you...?"

I was like, "Thank you so much for these lemons."

I knew it was him, because of the alien tea.

And then, I was like, "This is so cool."

And he's like, "Yes." Like, you know, a little schmoozy.

And then he's like, "I'd love for you to sell

my puppets and dolls."

I was like, "Oh, that sounds amazing."

So then, we had, like, "business dinners,"

and I legit brought my composition book.

We never wrote in at all. We were just like, talking.

-You're having business dinners

about selling "Puppet Master" merch, right?

-Yes, yes. -And this is what led to you...?

-And Monster Bras.

-And Monster Bras. -Oh, yeah,

tell him about Monster Bras. -And this is what led to your

long-term romance?

-Yeah, we had like, 6 months of "business dinners."

My mom was, like, "It's not business."

I'm like, "It's business."

And then, anyway, one day, he's like,

"Hey, at a certain point throughout the dinner,

I'm going to ask you to come to the other side of the table."

So, I did, and then, he kissed me.

-Oh. -And then he was like,

"Is that okay?" And I was like, "Yes."

And then, he kissed me again.

-He kissed you again? -Yeah.

-And then he said, "But you'll still sell

the 'Puppet Master' merch, right?

-Yes, well, and then, 2 months later,

he proposed to me.

-Okay, well, wait a minute. -2 months.

-Wait a minute. This is 18 years ago?

-18 years ago. -So, he proposed to you

18 years ago, and you got married last week?

-Well, yeah. Because it was me. I was a procrastinator.

Because I was, like, immature in my brain.

But then, my brain got more mature-ish.

-Okay. So, then, last year, I --

Thank you. Ish. No. [Laughs]

Then, last year, I proposed to him.

I got on my knee, and I proposed to him.

-Okay. -And then, obviously,

we just had our wedding that you guys were at.

-But you were dating all these -- all these 18 years?

-Yeah. All these 18 years. -All right.

And, but here... Wow, that was interesting.

But here's -- here's the big question.

Here's the big question about this movie, Gary Busey...

-Yes. -In 2004, you know,

what was Gary like?

-[Laughs] -The scariest person

I have ever met, ever worked with, ever seen.

I have, like, 5 million stories,

and I only shot with him one day.

-You shot with -- Gary Busey was one day on the movie?

-One day. -To do that, when he shoots up

everybody in the diner, right? -Yes.

-And so... -Yes.

-Actually, when I first saw it, I thought he killed you,

but he didn't kill you.

-No, he, like, shot, and, like...

Yeah, you think maybe something,

but, like, I didn't get shot. -Okay.

-Only my dad and my brother. -Okay.

-Yeah, but he was so crazy,

because it's, like, low-budget movie.

They have him for this one day.

Is he going to show up? Is he going to stay?

So, they wanted to get all his stuff out of the way

at the beginning, the morning.

So, he just first says, "I hate the script."

Like, "I want to rewrite the script."

Then, Charlie's like, "Whatever."

Then, like, um... -And Charlie said, "Okay,

re-write it." -Yeah, and every take

was different, one take was about his mom,

one take was about his food.

Like, every take was completely different.

-These are takes where he's pointing the gun

and killing people in the diner,

and he's saying, it's about his mom,

and it's about the food? -Yes. Yes.

And then, he really needed his teardrops,

because he wanted to pretend cry,

and everything had to shut down for him

to get his fake tear stick.

So, he could cry about his mom and the thing and his mom

and all that stuff, so, then... -I don't remember any fake tears

in the opening scene of "Gingerdead Man."

-I don't know, he needed his tear stick.

I'm feeling like doing some exercises.

I was like, "Oh, gosh."

And he's like, he literally, like, can I stand up?

-Okay. Yeah. -[Inhaling, exhaling sharply]

He keeps doing this. And it was so funny.

-This is the exercises? -Yeah.

-These are, like, acting exercises?

-Yeah. Something. Like, at this point, because I was so scared.

Now, he's looking completely ridiculous with this, like...

[Imitates Gary Busey] thing.

And I just start laughing, like, cry laughing,

and then, like, we go to set,

and, literally, after that, is when I shot

all my side of the stuff.

I didn't have to act at all that day.

I was freaked out at Gary Busey.

-Oh, you mean when you're cowering in the booth?

-Yeah. I was literally cowering. I didn't want to move.

I was like, "Please, don't look at me."

-So, when all that crying that you're doing in the scene

is, like... -Yeah, it's, like, real.

-Oh, wow. All right. -Yeah.

-All right. Robin, okay. -You're still scared.

-I know, I feel so scared right now.

-All right. You're blowing my mind.

All right, we're going back to the movie now.

-PTSD. -Yeah, I have PTS-Gary.

Please stick around. I-I have lots more to ask you.

So, roll the film.

Actually, Gary Busey owes me $900.

-Oh, my God, he will not let this go.

-What?! -From like 1982 or some shit.

-I had him on one of my shows in the '90s,

and somehow between the airport and the studio,

he managed to make $900 worth of phone calls from his limo.

-What?! -To this day -- To this day,

nobody knows who he called, or why he called them.

-They were probably some sexy chicks.

-What a guy. I mean... -The Ginger...

He was calling the Gingerdead Man.

-Maybe so. -Of course.

-It was right after his, um, uh, motorcycle accident,

and, because he kept saying, "I have a dent in my head,

Joe Bob, here, feel the dent.

Put your head -- Put your hand on my head.

Feel this dent.

Feel the indentation where my brain got damaged."

So, he has an excuse. [Laughs]

-I feel like he should send $900 for your charity.

-He should. [Laughs] -"Dear, Gary..."

-Wow.

[Static]

[Horn honking]

[Tires screech]

-What in the hell did you do to my banner?

-Oh, I didn't...

-You listen here, girl.

I thought we were gonna handle this like adults,

like business people.

Now, there is no call for wanting destructiveness

and vandalism.

-You're right, I'm sorry.

I'll pay for the banner.

-You're damn straight.

-Is there anything else you wanted, Jimmy?

If not, I gotta get back to work.

-Well, now that's what I like about you.

Right down to brass tacks.

Just like your mama,

except without all the [Whistles] drinking, of course.

Here's the deal --

A year from now, my place, it's gonna be up and running.

The finest eatery in four counties.

Now, I can't have my customers looking across the street

at this rundown pie shop.

Let's take care of this.

Quick and clean.

No lawyers, no middlemen, no bullshit.

You and your mama, you take that money,

you have a nice life.

-So you can tear down our place?

-Well, that's progress, honey.

Out with the old, in with the new.

-$50,000 goes a long way at Walmart, Sarah.

-You remember my daughter, Lorna, don't you?

-Yeah, she's hard to forget.

-[Smirks] Did I tell you she was just named

Ms. Pretty Face of Waco?

-It's only the 10th time you've reminded me.

-You know, with my help, Lorna's gonna make something of herself.

Be a big star.

I can help finance her modeling career, because I worked hard

my whole life, bustin' my hump

so that I could provide for her.

Now, you think about my offer, you hear?

$50,000.

That'd make it so you and your drunk mama

don't have to bust your humps. -Why don't you hold your breath?

[Anxious piano music]

[Moves into suspenseful orchestral music]

[Door opens]

You overheard?

-I hate that guy.

-Me too.

Especially, when he's right.

-Whoa.

Hold up, you're not telling me you're gonna let that loser

bully you into selling?

-He's a jerk.

But he makes sense.

Ever since Dad and Jeremy died,

everything's gone to Hell.

Look at this place. [Sniffles]

-So, we'll fix it.

We'll paint it.

It will be good as new.

-It's not just the building that needs fixing.

Sales are down.

And Mom's drinking.

-It'll get better.

-[Crying] I don't know.

Have you ever been at that point in your life

where everything seems so messed up

that you don't even know where to start to fix it? [Sniffles]

Every morning

when I wake up,

I dream about packing what little I have and just

[Sniffles] disappearing somewhere, you know?

Just going and starting over.

-You just had a couple bad years is all.

You get knocked to the mat,

you have to get back up again.

-If only I hadn't been so scared.

If only I had grabbed this.

Everything will be OK. [Sniffles]

-Hey, I took that bread out of the oven.

Got that gingerbread dough mixing.

-[Laughs]

You're my hero.

-Does that mean I have a date for Wrestle-a-palooza?

Right.

I knew that.

-Why don't you take off early?

-Well, the cookies, they...

-I'll finish them.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

Didn't you just tell me to get up off the mat?

-[Growls]

Right you are, boss.

See you bright and early.

[Whimsical orchestral music]

[Crackle]

All good.

Julia?

[Whispering diabolical voice]

What are you doing in here?

-Should've figured you'd still be here on a Friday night.

-Oh, you little bitch!

You're not going anywhere.

How dare you bring that rat in here?

-That $50,000 is too much for you.

I told Daddy you'd never take it anyways.

-So, you thought you'd get me shut down

by the Health Department instead?

[Splat]

-[Screams]

[Whispering diabolical voice]

[Rollicking orchestral music]

We tried to be fair!

But trash like you

don't know what's good for you.

-[Screams]

-Oh, my God.

What's this?!

Don't you ever touch my face.

[Groaning and yelling]

[Slam] [Crash]

[Buzzing]

[Explosions and crackling] [Whispering diabolical voice]

[Ominous orchestral music]

-[Laughs]

[Moves into peaceful woodwind music]

-Amos, are you in on this?

-Am I in on what?

Lorna, I've been waitin' in that car forever for you.

You said you was just gonna leave a note.

-A note?

Yeah, right.

How many notes eat cheese and live in a sewer?

-[Sighs] Come on, Amos.

Let's get out of here.

-Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

What the hell went on in here?

-Oh, shit!

-Yet another reason to board up this dump.

[Ominous orchestral music] -[Laughs]

-[Screams]

There's something in there.

There's something alive in there!

-Maybe it's the rat.

-Lorna, don't you think you've made your point?

-I'm serious!

Don't open it!

-You've been using too much bleach in your hair.

-Jesus, what the hell you been baking?

[Laughing]

-Oh, shit.

-Well, whatever it is, I think you overcooked it.

-On the contrary.

I baked up just fine.

[Sinister laughing]

-What the hell is that?

-Well, it sure ain't the Pillsbury fuckin' dough boy.

Yee-ah.

-That thing's voice.

Something about it.

-Come on.

[Static]

-Okay. Those are genuine tiger trap metal spikes, right?

That would stop a tiger,

but it would also stop any human being, right?

-Mm-hm. -Okay.

Let's see him beat that. -It looks so scary.

-All right. -That's so messed up, dude.

-All right, the cookie is alive,

and the cookie is on a rampage.

And thanks to our special guest, Sarah Leigh,

I mean, Robin Sydney. -Whoo!

-The cookie is with us tonight. You brought the cookie, right?

-I totally did. -All right.

-I'm a little scared of it, but. -You're scared of it.

-Because it looks like Gary Busey.

-Hello. -Now, was that of many?

Was that one of many cookies? -Yes.

This was actually in the movie,

and I dressed him up for you.

-Oh, well... -For your show.

-Was there a bigger one or...? -No. It was always the size.

-Oh, really? -Yeah.

-That's the biggest cookie?

-He looks so tiny, but he's scary and mighty.

-Okay. -Mighty.

-How is he operated?

Looks like a wire coat hanger. -Um, there's a lot

of different ways, yeah. [Laughter]

-Hi-tech. -He's like, "Hello.

I love you, Joe Bob." -Okay,

and that would have been... -"Darcy."

-...the work of, uh, John Carl Buechler, right?

-Buechler. Yeah. -Um, he did "Ghoulies."

He did, um, "From Beyond," "Friday the 13th,"

one of the "Friday the 13th's," one of the --

one of the "Freddy" movies.

-Mm-hm. -Yeah. He was like, everywhere.

-Yeah. -He was a director, too, right?

-Mm-hm. -All right. Okay.

-Very talented. -Um, all right.

I wanted to mention, you still have time

to buy the official "Joe Bob's Creepy Christmas" shirt.

And all the money --

All the money's going to go to the four charities.

The shirt is 50 bucks, um, uh, and the --

and the charities that -- we have four big charities,

including Every Mother Counts,

which is one we're featuring this hour.

Shirt is 50 bucks.

The beanie and the shirt together are 100 bucks.

And, um, where -- Do we have the beanie?

It's, like, you know, they wear those now.

-Yeah, it's a cute hat.

I feel like Gingerdead Man wants to wear it.

-I was thinking that. He needs a beanie. He's so bald.

-And for 250, you get the shirt, the beanie,

and the last "Drive-In" cooler.

So, go to the website,

buy the premium items, um, bid on the auction items.

Feel good about yourself this Christmas.

You know, buy some stuff from us.

[Cheering] Okay, Robin.

-Put it on the gingerbread man. -Oh, yeah.

Okay, there it is, the last "Drive-In" beanie.

-Okay. -Um, so, what was it like?

-It actually looks really good. -Does it look so cute?

-Yeah, it's so cute. -It's like so cheap.

Like, 250, I feel like I need this right now.

-Well, you get a cooler, if you pay the 250,

you also get a cooler,

a "Last Drive-In" cooler. -That's cooler.

-And a shirt, and a T-shirt. -Dang.

-So... -You are good at selling.

-Well, I just, like, love this hat.

-Okay, Robin... -I believe it.

-What was it like working with a cookie?

Is that a -- Did you like...

Obviously he's too small to, like, did you have to, like,

work with a blue screen or what did you do?

-Yeah, well, I will say during the filming of the movie,

I actually had nightmares of the Gingerdead Man

while we were filming, like, every night,

almost every night. -Oh, this Gingerdead Man.

-Yeah, it creeped me out, actually.

And sometimes we would have work with the Gingerdead Man,

and then sometimes we would work with Charlie's hand.

-Okay. -But then, sometimes,

we weren't scared enough, so, he would throw, like,

cups at us, and we'd be, like, "Oh!"

Like, you know, to get us, like, scared.

But he was, like, extremely scary.

I mean, you have to imagine, I met Gary...

-Ho! Ho! Ho! -[Shouts]

-Oh, no. -When I say, "Ho, ho,"

you say, "Ho."

"Ho, ho." [All] Ho!

-"Ho, ho." Yeah! [All] Ho!

[Cheering] Christmas. Christmas.

Christmas. -Christmas. Christmas.

-All right. Okay. -I'm back, and I have

two more auction items. -Okay.

What are they? -The first

auction item, a hat. -That's my hat.

-It's from the "Phantasm Christmas Special."

So, we're auctioning that off. -Wow.

-You hold that, so, he doesn't steal it.

-Can I wear it? -Yes.

-Does it look cute on me? Wait. Am I wearing it backwards?

-No. -Oh, wow.

-Either way, it looks great. -It's perfect.

-Whoo! -Auction. -Yes.

-So, the second item that we have

is a Cracker Barrel gift set.

Right? Rockin' Robin. -Yeah!

-$2,000. -$2,000.

And there's, like, so many cool gifts and stuff,

it will legit Crack-yer Barrel.

-Oh! [Laughter]

-Yeah, there's like toys and things,

and, like, just an avalanche of fun.

-So, it's $2,000 worth of merchandise...

-Yeah. -...that it's sold

in the Cracker Barrel gift shop, right?

-Yes, yes. -And that's because

you sell stuff to the Cracker Barrel gift shop.

-Yes, my mom and I, we have a company,

and we sell lots of the toys, like, the Squishy Dumpling,

the Twiddle Squish 'N Stretch, Bubble Putty.

Lots of fun stuff in the Cracker Barrel.

And I have many of my friends

who sell product in the Cracker Barrel.

-Okay, so you put... -And, it's just super fun.

-...together, like, everything you would ever want

from the Cracker Barrel

gift shop. -And more. And more.

-Okay. [Laughs] -An avalanche of fun.

-Yeah. So, it's actually really exciting.

-John.

-Santa. -I would advise you to just use

the door this time when you leave.

All right. -This is Santa Claus

walking backwards, saying,

"Oh, oh, oh."

-I love you, Santa. -I love you, too.

-Oh, man. -Santa rules.

-Sorry about that, Robin. -Oh, no.

[Laughter]

-I-I wanted... -Yeah.

-I wanted to ask you about your other, uh, Full Moon franchise.

-Yes. -Well, well, first,

were you in "Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust"?

-"Passion of the Crust."

-So, I wasn't in the "Passion of the Crust."

That was directed by Billy Butler, um,

but I did get in the role arena the next one.

-Okay. -As Robin Sydney, actually.

-"Saturday Night Cleaver." -Yes. Thank you.

But then, they made a "Gingerdead Man

vs. the Evil Bong."

And I got to play my...

So, in the "Evil Bong,"

I play one character, and then in "Gingerdead Man,"

I play Sarah Leigh, and I got to actually beat myself up.

-So, you... -I had a fight with myself.

-Oh. -High concept.

-Two characters are both in there.

-So, you're in all the...

So, you were in all but one of the "Gingerdead Man" movies.

Then, you're in all of the "Evil Bong" movies.

-Yes, and the Gingerdead Man makes its way

in the "Evil Bong," where he actually

gets a breadstick boner. [Laughter]

It literally goes like, boink.

And then, whipped cream squirts out.

He has full-on, like, puppet sex.

-Well, we can't wait -- I can't wait to go watch that.

-Yeah. -It's good.

Watch it. -I think it's called "High 5."

Yeah, it's like literally... -Yeah.

-You're also in the "Evil Bong" movies?

-Yeah. Yeah. -6, 7, and 8, I think.

-Whoo! -Yes.

-How many "Evil Bong" movies are there?

-8? -8.

-Yeah. So far. -So far.

-All right, and you are currently starring

in the "Barbie & Kendra" series of movies.

-Whoo! Whoo! -Are you Barbie or Kendra?

-I'm Kendra. -You're Kendra?

Okay. -Yeah. Yes.

And we got to work together on one just recently.

-I know, with Joe Bob, too. -"Barbie & Kendra..."

-That's the Barbie...

"Barbie & Kendra Crash Joe Bob's Jamboree."

Is that the actual title of it? -Yes! [Laughs]

-That was so... -I know you guys were, like,

wandering around the --

the Drive-In on... -Just causing chaos.

Crashing it, if you will. -...Friday,

during the Jamboree. -Yeah, I think it was the best

ever "Barbie & Kendra" movie. -Aw!

-It was so fun to film. -It was super fun.

It was such a good idea that you guys did that.

-Oh yeah, it was awesome. -All right. [Laughs]

I don't know, I can't keep up

with the Charles Band franchises,

but all right, we are going... -Fair.

-But, you can -- you can set me straight when I make a mistake.

All right, we're going back to the movie now,

where was this movie filmed, by the way?

-Yeah, it was filmed in Los Angeles.

There was, like, an American Apparel you see in there.

That's the American Apparel factory.

So, right by that, is a real bakery.

It was actually filmed in a real bakery.

So, that opening scene where you see the bakery,

that's actually real pastries from the bakery.

I'm sure we, like, messed their bakery up.

-Is that exterior the bakery with that sign

that looks like it was drawn by a child?

-I think -- I think that was unimposed, if I can imagine.

But, like, the actual bakery part, that was real,

and it was connected to that huge room

where we were actually making the stuff,

and it was a real working bakery.

There was -- They were teaching me how to, like, do stuff.

I actually had to make the Gingerdead Man, for reals.

Like, I was scared, because they gave me

this big thing of dough, and the, like, cut thing...

What is it called, the cookie cutter.

It was like the size of my head times a thousand.

So, I had to, like, I was so nervous.

I roll it out, the dough,

and then, I put the cookie cutter in and I had to, like,

make the little Gingerdead Man, like, buttons and stuff.

-You're telling me you were working for the bakery

while you were there... [Laughter]

...in addition to making the movie?

-I mean, might as well been. -Just say yes.

-Okay.

All right, back to the movie. Roll the film.

And also, the movie's supposed to be in Texas, right?

-Yeah. -It took me a while

to pick up on that, but, you know, but...

-Yeah. -It's, like, because, sometimes,

some people are occasionally doing Texas accents.

They're like going in and out. -You mean, like, me,

where, occasionally, I'm like, "Howdy, partner."

And the other times, I'm like, "What's up?"

-[Laughs] Yeah, um,

so, you had a Texas accent... -They talk about Lone Star.

-...that you used in the audition?

-Yeah, so, I went in, and I had no idea

that I was supposed to have a southern accent.

And they were like, "Oh, yeah, where's your southern accent?"

I was like, "Oh, I'm from the South.

Okay, no problem." I was like, "Hey," you know...

[Laughter] ...and Charlie actually thought

I was from Texas.

I was, like, "I guess it was legit."

He shouldn't have listened to the whole movie,

because then there's some spots.

-Okay. [Laughter]

[Static]

-What in the hell was that thing?

-I don't know.

-Well, it looked like a gingerbread man.

-That's what I was baking.

-What are you gettin' at?

-That's what was supposed to be in that burnt pan

I pulled out of the oven.

A big gingerbread man.

-Wait, wait.

Are you telling me that that thing

is the cookie you were baking?

That's crazy.

Crazy.

OK, do you have a magic oven?

-This shit ain't funny, Amos.

-All right, look, I'll admit, okay,

when this shit first happened, I was a little spooked,

for like a second, but it's a gag.

It's gotta be, I'll bet you anything, anything,

that it's that geek who works for you,

who's all into the wrestling.

-Who, Brick? -Yeah, him.

It's a big joke.

Big funny, ha-ha.

You guys saw that thing, right?

It had to be fake.

-No, but it was walkin' and it was talkin' out there.

It was alive.

OK, this ain't no gag.

It's black magic.

-Oh, my God.

-No, really.

Look, it's like a couple years ago

when me and some of my friends took out this Ouija board, okay,

and we started putting our fingers on it,

on this pointy plastic thingy, and it was movin' around

and it was spellin' out things for us.

It was this message from this dead girl, named Rosalyn,

and she told us that some psycho had killed her

and cut her up into pieces and then wrapped it in tin foil.

And then mailed it off, all across the country,

to her relatives.

-It spelled all that out for you?

[Mocking trumpet blasts]

Lorna, that's longer than any book you ever read

in your entire life.

-Look, I am serious!

A couple weeks after that, I saw on the news

how the cops arrested some guy

for cuttin' up girls' body parts and mailin' 'em off.

-Talk about goin' postal.

-Look, this black magic shit is for real.

And that thing out there

is bad news and I don't want to have any part of it.

-Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Why you guys want to leave so bad?

-Maybe she's right, Amos.

Maybe we should take off.

-Goddamn right, I'm right.

-That thing, whatever it is,

it's voice, I got a real bad feeling.

-If it's somebody playing a prank, which I think it is,

I'll clobber him.

If that thing is real, I say we grab that motherfucker,

and we take it in to Leno, Letterman.

How much dough can you make from a talking cookie?

Huh, dough, cookie. [Laughs]

Get it?

-Ha, ha.

-All right, look, whatever it is, don't worry about it.

I'll take care of it.

-Let's go.

[Creepy orchestral music]

[Munching, slobbering, and belching]

Think we got him?

-I don't know, let's find out.

-Uh, guys?

-Little shit took off. -Good fuckin' riddance.

-I'm calling the police. -Now, hold on.

-Guess what. -It's dead.

-Unbelievable!

Here.

[Sighs]

Daddy, you have got to come and get me.

I am at Betty's Bakery,

and we got homicidal baked goods after us.

You heard me.

Daddy?

Daddy!

Goddamn it.

-[Sighs]

-Must have forgot to charge it.

-You dumb shit.

-Why didn't you call the cops instead of your daddy?

-Shut your pie hole.

-What in the world?

What the hell's happened in here?

This ain't right.

[Rattle] [Gasps]

[Squealing]

Please be full.

I know it's them bastards.

I'm gonna get my gun.

[Belch] [Laughing]

Sarah?!

Hello?!

[Rattle]

Who's in here?!

[Rattle]

Who did this?!

[Whimsical orchestral music]

[Rattle]

Hello?

[Gasps]

[Mumbles]

Stand and bear it.

Just get a hold of yourself, now.

It can't be him.

-You sure about that?

[Sinister laugh]

[Sinister humming]

-That's the end of that.

-[Laughing]

Oh, yeah.

I'm real, all right.

[Sinister laughing]

Ever try a ladyfinger?

[Whack] Yee-ah, ha!

[Sinister laughing]

-[Screams]

-What was that?

-Maybe it was your little friend.

-What do you mean by that?

-You know what I mean. -Lorna. Shut up!

-Siding with the enemy, Amos?

-She ain't the enemy.

-Really?

Well, maybe you didn't hear what happened back there,

but that little bastard recognized her from somewhere.

Am I right?

-Look, I'm going to go to the car,

and I'm going to get your phone. That is, if you talked.

-That thing may be out there somewhere.

-Fuck him.

[whimsical orchestral music plays]

♪♪

[Grunting]

♪♪

-Maybe you really should stop drinking, you lush.

-What are you?

-Not what, Honey.

Who?

Don't you recognize my pretty voice?

-Millard.

-There it is.

[Door creaks opens]

-Huh? [Groans]

[Grunts and thuds]

[Door closes]

-[Betty groans]

-Betty! Oh!

[Gasps]

Betty, what are you doing sneaking out the back door

without me knowing?

Sarah told me to keep an eye on you.

I can't let her down.

Mrs. Leigh, I had a feeling you'd sneak back here

looking for your stash.

-What happened?

-There was this man.

A gingerbread man.

-Mrs. Leigh... [Sighs]

A gingerbread man? [Scoffs]

Look, I'll get you home, okay?

We got to go.

Come on, let's go. -No.

Julia. -Come on.

-Julia, he's got a knife.

-[Scoffs] Right.

[Screams]

[Metal pan thuds]

-That's gonna leave a mark. [Laughs evilly]

[Country guitar music plays]

-[Chuckles] He looks so cute.

-Okay, we're back with Robin Sydney,

better known as the star of "Gingerdead man."

Sarah Leigh is your character name. -[Laughing] Yeah.

-You know, it's like it's too...

-It's perfect. -[Laughs]

-And, Robin, if there was only one

Christmas auction item that I could win,

it would be that one that you put together for us.

The $2,000 worth of merchandise

from the Cracker Barrel gift shop.

-Yay. -So.

And -- But I wanted to ask you,

like, what is it about the Cracker Barrel gift shop?

I mean, they -- -Yeah.

-They have things in there that

your great grandmother would look at and say, "Oh, wow,

I haven't seen these in years since my great grandmother

used to buy these." -It's true. True.

-You know, it's like, well, what is --

What is the theme of the Cracker Barrel gift shop?

-I feel like it's like old timey and new timey.

So it's like, you know. -What's new timey?

-It's like -- It's like all ages.

It's like -- It's like you go and then it's cool stuff,

and then you have to blow some dust off of it.

But then it's like new cool stuff that you're like, yes.

So it's like for the grandma and the grandmother's grandkid.

-Okay. -And then pancakes with...

syrup. [Laughter]

-Oh, well, that totally explains it.

Alright, so... [Laughter]

-You sold it. -I always go for the sour balls.

-He does. He loves sour balls. -They have sour balls there.

-I never tried that.

-What is your favorite Cracker Barrel gift shop item?

-Um. I don't know.

Just all the random toys to look at is amazing.

-Oh it's true, like, they're seasonal.

-Oh, the pecan logs are amazing.

-Pecan? -Pecan log roll thingy.

-You call it "pee-kan." -Oh, pecan.

-You're from the south. It's "puh-kaan."

-No, that's the fancy talk. It's a pee-kan.

Pee-kan? Pee-kan?

-That's the way they say it in South Carolina?

-Yeah, it's a pee-kan. What, "puh-kaan"?

What are we, from fucking France?

-Yeah, I like -- I like the fudge.

I always, like, come with piles of them

because they're trying to sell it, promotion.

And I'm like, I'll help you, so I always have, like,

piles of fudge. -Okay.

[Knock on door] -[Gasps]

-Hello? -It's locked.

-Anyone at home? -It's locked.

-It's locked for a reason. -Hello?

-Okay. Alright. -Santa Claus for charity.

-Not interested. -Santa!

-Okay. Come back later. -Open up, country clobbers.

-Alright, John.

-But it's for charity. Please.

-Aww, he said "Please." -Aww.

-Well, in that case, I can fit this through.

This is the next charity item. -What is that?

Auction item.

It's from the "Walpurgisnacht" episode -- a horn.

-Oh, yeah. Okay. -A horn. It looks very horny.

-That's the horn that I played in the "Walpurgisnacht."

-Should I go get it?

-Okay. Alright, we got it, John.

It's being auctioned. -I'll get it for you, Santa.

-You did your job. -You can get it, please.

-Thank you very much. -Thank you, Robin.

You're a good girl.

You're naughty, Joseph Robert.

-Okay. -Very naughty.

-Is this how you wear it?

-Alright. Yeah. -Perfect.

-Alright, so that's our -- -You can blow it.

-That's our auction item for this break.

Alright, well. -It's music.

-Go to -- Go to the website and you'll see the horn

from "Walpurgisnacht" on the auction.

I should mention that in our final hour

of the Christmas auction, our official charity will be

Wildlife Conservation Network, which works with organizations

all over the world trying to preserve endangered species.

They go out in the field,

they work with local people who are on the front lines

of making sure that animals are protected from needless killing.

So, okay, Robin. -That's beautiful. Yay.

-What else can you tell us about the exciting backstory

surrounding the Gingerbread Man? -[Chuckles]

How about, you got -- -It was exciting.

-You got -- you got physical in that catfight with Lorna.

-Yes. Yeah. It was like a real on fight.

And we actually --

So you know how the lemon meringue pie, I like --

-Is that what you clocked her with?

-Yeah, I went like -- Pfft.

It was a real lemon meringue pie.

-Yeah.

-And because we shot it early in the movie,

for continuity purposes,

they had to put the lemon meringue in my hair every day.

-Oh, no. -You wouldn't even tell it.

Just my hair looked like -- Pfft.

Like a bad hair job. -Really?

-It really it was lemon meringue, so, and it smelled --

-I didn't notice the lemon meringue in your hair.

-You couldn't tell, but my nose could.

[Laughter] It was, like, so ew, like --

Morning was like normal lemon meringue.

But if you've had lemon meringue all day long, it's gnarly faced.

And I had to take 5,000 showers.

I cannot eat lemon meringue anymore.

-Okay. -Like, ever. Zero.

Not happening. -What about. What about Amos?

-Oh, yeah. -Did you fall in love with Amos?

[Laughter]

-Well, obviously we had, you know, on set, you know,

in the moment or whatever,

But... -Obviously.

-It was really Charlie Band I was falling in love.

No, um. [Laughter]

-All had eyes for Charlie. -But actually.

So it's a funny story.

So, like, during the shoot,

we had our moments in, like, our scenes.

But do you remember that time when we were like,

having the super love scene where we're talking about,

you know, hey, do you remember when you went to my party

and I, like, beat you up? And he's like, oh, hey.

And we're like having our like, kind of like, love moment.

That was actually... -Yeah.

The beat you up love moment, yeah.

[Laughter] -Yeah. It's my birthday. Hello.

Well, actually that was shot later.

Like we finished wrapping the movie.

They're like, this movie's not long enough,

so they had us come back.

-I got news for you, Robin. It's still not long enough.

[Laughter]

-Yeah. -It barely qualified as a movie.

[laughing] Under shutter terms.

-But we had to -- Right. Exactly.

But we had, I think, the slow crawl of credits.

-Yeah. Ten minutes of credits

will -- will do a lot for the length of a movie, yes.

-But I do remember this one time because I was scared

of the Gingerdead Man, the whole shoot.

It was pretty scary and I was taking it too seriously.

And at one a-- like 2:00 a.m.,

I realized, wait, this is a funny movie.

So I was with Amos and he had this line.

It was like, he was like,

you're telling me it was something like,

I'm not saying it right, but you're telling me

that the guy who killed your dad that went to the electric chair,

he came back inside a cookie.

[Laughing] And like, literally, we busted up laughing.

And every take -- -But until that point,

you were taking the film too seriously?

-I was taking it seriously. [Laughter]

-I was so scared of the Gingerdead Man.

But then he said "Inside a cookie"

and we started laughing.

I swear, we had to do like 50 takes.

Just every time laughing.

You know, when you get the giggle, you cannot stop.

I had that full-on giggles.

And Charlie had to stop filming for 30 minutes

because we were giggling.

And even when we do the take, you'll see

my head is down, like, I cannot look.

They don't even -- They have the back of my head

because I'm just like, you know, trying so hard.

I remember my stomach muscles, like, the feeling of laughter,

but like my face was like --

[Laughter] And we finally got it.

And then we were done. -Have you seen the cast members

of "Gingerdead Man" in the intervening years?

Do you run into them? -Yeah.

So the guy who plays Brick, this is a crazy thing.

We did a Skinemax -- it was called "Chemistry" --

where we had to, you know -- [Whistles]

with our clothes on. -Wait a minute.

-You did a softcore Cinemax movie.

-I mean, we did. we did like -- -Sex movie.

Yeah, it wasn't like real sex. It was like, you know --

-Softcore. -Yeah.

I don't know what that means. -Cinemax sex.

-Yeah. It means not finishing.

Fake sex. -I had to literally take

my clothes off, and so did he.

And it was so awkward. I'm like, you're Brick.

Like you're Brick from the movie.

-And you guys were in bed together.

-Yeah, with, like, a threesome.

Like, it was weird.

So that was like, with Brick Pfister.

I mean, Brick -- Wait, not Brick Pfister.

Brick in the movie. Well, it means --

It means you and Brick both kept working.

-Yeah. -So that's a good thing.

-Yeah, yeah, a lot of people from that movie kept working.

-Alright. -Lots of the actors.

-Well, at -- at this point in the movie,

I think we, we figured out that somebody.

It's going to have to kill the cookie.

We don't know how to kill the cookie.

Will it be you that kills the cookie?

You're sort of shaping up as a final girl.

-Uh-oh. -But...

-That's a good thing. -Would you kill the cookie?

Let's find out. Roll the film.

And, Robin, this movie, I don't want to --

I mean, this movie did not get good reviews

when it first came out. -What? I'm shocked.

-Did that bother you at all?

-Honestly, I don't even know. -Did you see the --

-I didn't even know. -Did you see the reviews?

-No, I didn't.

I know there's a lot of fans that love it, so.

-Oh yeah. No.

Many people love it today. -Yeah.

-But like... -I don't know.

-I mean, Mike Gingold -- -I love it.

-Who writes for Fangoria -- -Thank you.

And who loves most things in the exploitation world.

-He was like not this one.

-Wrote this scathing review of it.

-How dare he. -And I was like, I was like --

"Mike, really, even you didn't like it?"

This was before I saw it, you know?

Even Mike Gingold didn't like this movie.

-I don't even know, honestly. I don't even look at reviews.

Maybe I should, but, like, no. -Okay.

-I mean, I just feel like -- Do people like it? Yes.

It's like, "Awesome." -Well, you know.

People love it. -I mean, I can understand

how it's hard to take somebody seriously

who's pointing out logic holes

in a movie about a killer cookie.

-About a cookie. -Yeah.

-Right. -There's not really much logic.

There's a lot of holes.

-Okay. [Laughter]

♪♪

[Suspenseful orchestral music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-So how long are you and Amos been together?

-Me and Amos? [Laughs]

Get real, girl.

It's nothing but a little bit of stupid fun, is all.

-Hm, you acted like it was more than that.

-It's 'cause he was flirtin' with you.

See, when he's with me,

I don't want him makin' googly eye at nobody but me,

even though he's not with me.

Got it?

-I see.

What about what he wants?

-[Chuckles wryly] Oh, honey.

You got a lot to learn.

[Mocking woodwind music plays]

-Guess what, Ms. Pretty Face.

-Shit!

[Electricity buzzes]

Shit!

-You already said that.

-Maybe it's the storm, we've got power problems

when the weather kicks up.

-Or maybe it's that fuckin' Keebler elf.

-You got a generator?

-In back.

-Oh, yeah, that'd be real smart.

Why don't we just take off?

-He can get us outside.

-No, no, let's get the lights on.

I want to see this fucker when I blast him to crumbs.

[Ominous orchestral music plays]

♪♪

-Lorna Dean. What the hell did you bring me out here for?

Oh, now that makes sense.

That tattooed punk got you up to no good again, I'll bet.

Hmm.

-So what, the generator's right through here?

-Yeah.

I wish you'd put that gun away.

-But we might need it.

-I know.

But if you could just...

After Dad and Jeremy.

-Oh, my God.

[Sighs] Is that better?

-Yeah.

Thanks, it just makes me nervous looking at those things.

Stupid, I know.

-No, no, no, it's not stupid.

I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking -- -No, don't worry.

It's my problem not yours.

As you know I'm --

I'm not very good at those kind of things.

Reading people's emotions.

Hell, why do you think I'm with Lorna?

That girl's got like no emotion.

She's about as cold as a mud creek catfish.

-[Laughs]

-Now, I think she goes out with me

'cause she thinks it improves her image.

You know, makes her look tough.

Ms. Pretty Face of Waco bossin' around the town delinquent.

-I never thought of you as a delinquent.

-Get out of here.

Well, I probably spend more time in county lock-up

than you spend baking pies.

-Don't try to make yourself sound like a bigger badass

than you really are.

-Excuse me?

-You don't remember, do you?

-Remember what?

-Coming to my birthday party.

What?

-I wouldn't be surprised but we were six,

when you were living with your mom

at the end of Hauber Street.

-I went to your birthday party?

-Yeah, you tried to kiss me near the punch bowl.

-Get out of here.

-I gave you a bloody nose.

-Oh, my God.

You're right, I remember that. -[Laughs]

So, you're not as tough as you like to think you are.

-Maybe I get turned on when girls hit me.

Ever think about that?

-Oh, so that's why you stick around with Lorna.

-Ah, hell, I stick around with Lorna

'cause she pays for the beer and pizza.

Come on, let's fix this generator.

Alright.

[Crickets chirping]

-[Sighs]

Lorna, if you and that worthless greaseball

are causing trouble, I will hide you both.

[Car door closes]

Where are you Lorna?!

Come on out, darlin'!

-[Guttural laugh]

Amos!

[Vehicle engine revs]

[Tense orchestral music plays]

♪♪

[Laughing evilly]

-What the fuck are you doing?!

-[Laughing evilly]

[Tires squeaking]

[Tires squealing]

-Hold it, hold it!

Oh, no, no. no.

[Screams]

[Bones crunching]

[Generator sputtering]

-Shit.

You alright?

-Yeah.

[Suspenseful brassy music plays]

♪♪

-I'm real sorry about what's going on with your place.

I had no idea Lorna was being so shitty with you.

Lord knows, her daddy ain't no picnic either.

-Thanks.

Doesn't really matter.

They win anyway.

-I wonder if this thing has any gas.

What do you mean they win?

-I have to sit down with my mom

and tell her we have to close.

Too many bad things have been happening.

And this.

-What's that?

Killsbury Dough Boy?

-[Sniffles]

He's just the last straw.

-Listen, can't go pullin' stakes just 'cause Lorna

and Jimmy Dean are puttin' up a stink.

-Yeah.

That's easy for you to say.

-You can't let them scare you.

-Yeah.

There's nothing really keeping us here no more.

Nothing that comes to mind, anyway.

-Come on, let's get out of here.

[Suspenseful brassy music plays]

♪♪

-Why don't we got no lights?

What the hell's wrong with you?

Can't you do anything right?

-Lorna, I already told you once.

-Leave him alone.

-Oh, so that's how it is, huh?

-Why do always need to be so bitchy with everybody?

-So, now I'm a bitch, huh?

-Yeah, you've always been a bitch!

-You guys, you guys!

Look it there.

[Creepy orchestral music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

Should we? -We better.

-Oh, you're not actually gonna open that.

-Somebody might be hurt in there.

-Oh, you two morons belong together.

Screw this shit, I'm goin' outside to wait for Daddy.

[Mockingly dramatic music plays]

♪♪

-We gotta get her out of here.

-[Moaning]

♪♪

♪♪

-Is she gonna be okay?

-[Moaning]

-She's got a knock on her head

but she's still breathing.

♪♪

-What is that fucker, anyway?

-I think I know what...

I mean, who it is.

-Daddy?

Daddy.

[Rolling pin clatters]

God, no.

No, no, no, no, Daddy.

No.

Daddy.

No, you can't go, Daddy!

Daddy!

Daddy, no.

[Sentimental orchestral music plays]

You mean the world to me, Daddy.

[Sighs]

♪♪

♪♪

I'll miss you, Daddy.

♪♪

-Now, wait a minute.

You mean to tell me that...

-I know it sounds crazy.

And I don't know how it happened

but it's the only thing that makes sense.

Even if it is "Twilight Zone" kind of sense.

-The guy that killed Jeremy and your daddy?

-Mmm-hmm.

-That you helped send to the electric chair?

-Yeah.

-Millard Findlemeyer...

-[Sniffles]

-...has come back

from the dead

to get revenge on you

inside a cookie?

[Mocking piano music plays]

[Scoffs]

[Ominous orchestral music plays]

♪♪

-I thought I'd clean that stuff off.

She should warm up quicker

and there won't be any hypothermia.

-That bump on her head don't look so good.

-Yeah.

But I don't think she got a concussion.

She's just in shock right now.

But I think it's wearing off.

-How the hell you know all that?

-Educated guess.

I've been taking some night classes at the community college

just in case I don't end up baking pies the rest of my life.

-Yeah?

What kind of classes?

-Nursing.

Silly, huh? -No, no.

It ain't silly at all

but why nursing?

-I don't know, I guess

I always like helping people.

-Okay, but why nursing?

I mean, why not a doctor?

Hell, be a surgeon.

Smart, pretty girl like you can be whatever she wants.

-Sorry.

Don't know why I just did that.

-Sure beats a punch in the nose.

[Suspenseful piano music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Laughing evilly]

[Metal rack rattling]

How 'bout a facial?

[Knife swishes]

-[Screams shrilly]

[Laughs evilly]

[Tense dramatic music plays]

♪♪

-[Screams]

[Mumbling] My face. -Where is he?

-My face. -Where is he?

Where is he?! -No!

Don't go out there.

He just killed Daddy out there.

-What?!

-My face.

-Come on. -Look at my face.

[Satirically dramatic orchestral music plays]

[Rat squeaking] -Hey, rat!

Rat!

I'm talking to you!

Want a piece of me? [Laughs]

Hey, you little shit!

Fuck off!

Come over here!

I'm gonna kick your ass.

I'm gonna kick your little rat ass.

-Oh, my God.

Look at me.

-You'll be okay.

-Okay?

You call this okay?

I am Ms. Pretty Face of Waco.

I was Ms. Pretty Face of Waco.

Now I'm nothin' but a freak.

-Lorna, it don't look that bad.

-Oh, that's easy for you to say.

You're ugly.

Look, get out of my way.

[Dramatic orchestral music plays]

What the hell happened to her?

Is she dead?

-No, she's alright.

-Nothing's alright around here.

Okay, we have got to get out of here.

-But he could get us out there too, like he did you dad.

-Listen, nobody's leaving.

We're stickin' together, okay?

-You guys can stay if you want to

but that Pop-N-Fresh fucker's already gotten hold of my face

and I'll be damned if he gets anything else!

-Wait, Lorna!

[Object crashes] -[Screams]

-Yee-ah ha!

[Knife thuds] -[Screams]

-[Laughs maniacally]

-Holy shit.

-[Crying]

-That fucker booby trapped all the exits.

-[Breathing heavily] -Okay, Sarah.

Sarah, Sarah, come on.

Hey, we gotta be brave.

Come on, let's do this shit.

-Okay, well, the importance of Lorna

getting that knife to the forehead.

One of the most impressive special effects in the movie

is that we now know that they can't leave the bakery

because a lot of people watch this movie

and they say, "Why don't they just leave the bakery?"

And it's impossible because that wily Gingerdead Man

has booby trapped the exits.

-I know. -That's how she gets the knife

in the forehead, right? So you cannot leave.

You have to stay there all night.

Alright. I haven't asked you, yet, Robin,

about the movie that the two of you were in together.

-Yeah.

"Barbenheimer." -Yes.

-What is "Barbenheimer"?

-It's, like the greatest movie of all time.

-Sold. Done. -'Cause you know Barbenheimer...

-I thought "Gingerdead Man" was the greatest movie of all time.

-It is, also. -Yeah.

-It's a tie. -Yeah, exactly.

-So what happens in "Barbenheimer"?

-Um, so many cool things that it's, like, secretive.

And you're gonna have to watch. -You have to watch to find out.

-But we -- I had so much fun working with you.

-I always have fun with you. You're amazing.

-You're amazing. -We first met on "Evil Bong 8."

-Yeah. -Right? Like that was crazy.

-And then we're full on Barb-- Dr. Barbenheimer

and her evil clan of Barbies and Barbenheimer.

-Okay. -And there's, like, so --

-Barbenheimer.

-There's so many things that happen in this movie

that you just have to see what happens.

-You know, I'm feeling bad about --

-It's unexplainable. We've barricaded John --

We've barricaded John out in the hallway.

And so I think I'm going to let him back in.

-Okay. -Should I summon him?

-Yeah. Go ahead. -Okay.

-Go ahead.

[Horn trumpets off-key]

[Magical music plays]

-I heard the Santa fanfare. Hello. How are you?

I have another item here for auction.

-Santa! -What do you think?

-We love you, Santa. -Alright. Go ahead.

-We love you. This is Christmas.

Everybody should be happy and in love.

-Alright, let's -- Let's have it, Santa.

-I have a special item from your own private collection.

-John, that's my -- -This is a signed poster.

-That's my poster. That's not only signed.

That's the original.

Student nurses signed that poster.

-"The Student Nurses" signed by everybody.

-Not only that, they wrote, like,

entire novels on there to me, so.

-To you. -When did you get that?

-Well, I have my ways. It is Christmas after all.

-Oh, my God, that's very valuable.

Alright. -That's right.

-We're going to auction that off?

-We'll leave that here.

Yes, we're going to auction that off.

And I believe, Robin, you have another piece of item.

-Yes.

Charlie Band gave me

this whole super cool collection of Full Moon awesomeness.

-What is it? What is it?

-It's flying in. -I'm excited.

-Flying in. -Oh.

-Aww. -This is all the merch that...

-Yeah. There's so much.

-He married you so -- -The whole merch.

-...you would sell it for him.

-And it worked. -And it worked. [Chuckles]

-Okay, so there are so many cool things.

Oops. My beer is spilling. -Okay.

-There's even more. Oh, wait, it's flying in.

-So much.

-So much Full Moon goodness.

-Okay. This is like -- -Wow. Okay.

So this is super exciting.

There is this super awesome Full Moon set.

And oh yeah, there's more coming.

-Oh, there's me. -Oh, yeah.

-"Sexy Six Pack." -You don't --

You don't know what Charlie sent, do you?

-Oh, the "Sexy Six Pack." -No, I do.

-With Darcy on the cover. -I helped him pick it out. Okay.

-So this is the "Evil Bong" stash box, which has every --

Yeah. Everything is signed by Charles Band,

and I'm going to sign everything that I'm into.

This is the stash box. The entire evil bong collection,

a whole Blu-ray "Puppet Master" set,

a lunch box and a mini blade. -Okay.

-There's a "Baby Oopsie" Bobblehead.

This is Diana Prince, "Sexy Six Pack"

where she shows all her sexy movies.

There's actually going to be a 1 to 1 scale Gingerdead Man.

-Yeah. -Which is exactly like this.

There's a "Gingerdead Man" statue and "Evil Bong" statue.

And all of this is for charity because we love it so much.

-With it comes a walk on role in the Full Moon movie.

-You're right. -Oh, right.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-You're going to, like, star in a movie.

-Okay so... -Might be Barbenheimer 2.

-You get all of Charlie's merch. -You never know.

-But you also get a role in -- -Yeah.

- One of Charlie's movies. -Yeah, exactly.

-Yeah. -Full Moon!

All: Full Moon, Full Moon, Full Moon!

-Yeah. -Okay, John.

Thank you very much. -Thank you.

-And, Robin, I guess after "Gingerdead Man"

there was no movie that could ever compare in your career.

But I know you have done many other things.

What are you most proud of in your career?

-Besides "The Gingerdead Man"?

-Yes.

-Um, well, I don't know.

Just doing all different fun parts and just having fun

and, you know, just exploring life

and just being like, let's do this.

-You've done, like, 50 movies.

Am I right? -Yeah.

Yeah, 50 scary movies. -Okay.

-So like, all the "Evil Bong" series,

the Barbie/Kendras, I did "Skull Heads,"

which is one of my favorite acting roles with Charlie,

"The Lost." I love "The Lost."

I did "Masters of Horror." I did "Drake & Josh."

I did a bunch of stuff, so I feel very blessed.

"The Gingerdead Man" started my career as movie really well.

-Charlie Band is known for his extremely low budgets.

Did you ever think he married you so you'd have free acting?

-That's clever, that's clever. [Laughter]

-Well, I think -- -Well, you didn't deny it.

-I feel like he hired me because he likes my acting.

-Okay. -He married you for that.

-And he -- Oh, yeah. He married me.

No, he -- We always say he cast me in his life.

So, like, he cast -- Yeah. -Both: Aww.

-And so I feel very blessed. I love Charlie Band.

He's amazing. He wakes up in the morning

and just pops out of an idea in his head.

I'm like, "Where did that come from?"

-And then by the next day, it's a movie.

-Yeah, yeah, exactly. [Laughter]

-Like that's how "Barbenheimer" was.

It was like idea in the morning.

And then it was like treatment by the middle of the day,

poster, and then press by the end of the day.

-Same with the "Drive-in Jamboree."

You're like, "Oh, we're going to be there.

Let's just shoot a movie." -Let's do it.

-Alright. -Exactly.

-Okay. We are still raising money

for the Wildlife Conservation Network,

and you can bid on the auction items

all the way till Christmas.

Plus, you can buy the premiums at any time.

The shirt for 50 bucks,

the shirt and the beanie for 100 bucks,

the shirt, the beanie, and the cooler for 250 bucks.

So do a good thing for Christmas.

Get involved with our charities.

And Robin, thanks for being here.

-Thank you so much for having me.

-You know. -Yay!

-It was so fun. -You know, cheer up.

I know that you, you know. -Whoo-hoo!

-You seem to be -- You seem to be depressed.

-A moody actress.

-So it's not every day we're able to book a star

from the subgenre of pastry dessert horror.

-Yes.

-And you said the movie really scared you.

But you -- -Yeah.

-It didn't, right?

-No, like, legit. Like I had nightmares. For real.

-You had nightmares about killer pastry.

-Look at this thing. -The bakery.

-Okay. -Legit.

-Alright. Hard to believe, but okay.

-I believe you.

-Now, I know it's a comedy. When I watch it, I was like,

"Oh, it's funny, I get it." -I don't take it as a comedy.

At all. -Oh, really? Okay.

-Alright. -It's so fun.

Thank you so much for having me.

-Well, thank you for being here. -Thank you for being here.

And now for the thrilling conclusion

to "The Gingerdead Man."

So roll it.

Are you a cook yourself, by the way?

-I'm a beginner, chef.

-Okay? You know, with your experience.

You know what I -- You know what I wish?

I wish somebody would go murder a few celebrity chefs

because, you know, all these celebrity chef shows,

you know, the whole concept of celebrity chefs

just gives me the willies.

I don't want my chef to be a celebrity.

I want him to be in the kitchen cooking stuff.

And some of these guys have 20, 30 restaurants.

Alright. How is that possible? Really?

How many, how many does Wolfgang Puck have?

300 restaurants. You know.

You know the chances that Wolfgang Puck made the pizza

that you're eating -- zero!

-[Laughs] -Zero, you know.

But you're paying, still paying, 15 bucks extra

because it's a Wolfgang Puck pizza, you know.

So that's sick.

And so I know you're a big fan of celebrity restaurant stars.

-Oh yeah. Huge.

-Tell Charlie a serial killer -- -Yes.

-Who wastes celebrity chefs. He could make that --

-A Gingerdead Man. Is that the next one?

Erk-erk-erk!

-Oh, "The Gingerdead Man,"

I would see that. -He, like, comes in the kitchen

of the celebrity chefs, and be like,

"You ain't a celebrity. I'm gonna kill you."

-Alright, you already -- -Done!

-Give Charlie the script. -We're shooting tomorrow.

-We'll have it next week. -Alright.

[Laughter] -Okay. Cheers.

-Ooh-ooh-ooh.

[Deep voice] I'm gonna get you a celebrity chef.

Yeah. There we go.

[Laughter] -Cheers.

♪♪

[Suspenseful orchestral music plays]

♪♪

-Hey Millard!

Why did you kill her, huh?!

Why did you kill Jimmy?!

-[Laughs evilly] [Groans]

-It's me you're after!

-[Laughing maniacally] -Why don't you come and get me?

-Watch out! [Gunshots]

-[Laughing maniacally]

-What the hell?

-Let's go!

Come on!

-[Laughing] Don't spoil all my fun, girl.

-Sarah, come here.

I think he's over there, we can go out the back.

-And then what?

Besides, we can't just leave Julia.

-Shit, you're right.

-I can hear you.

-Yeah, then show yourself, you little half-baked fucker.

I swear to God I won't miss twice!

-Hang on, Amos, he's just trying to goad you.

-Yeah, well, it's working.

-He just wants you to follow him.

He probably has a booby trap somewhere.

-Her old man and brother were stupid back at that diner.

They tried to stop me

but she didn't because she was afraid.

Just like now. [laughs]

-Don't listen to him, Sarah.

He's just trying to get your goat.

-[Groans menacingly]

You can't stay scared forever, Sarah.

[Laughs evilly]

-Where did he go?

♪♪

Oh, my God. [gasps]

Mom's wedding ring.

[Breathing heavily]

Where is she?!

What did you do to Ma?! [crying]

-Sarah, Sarah.

It looks like it's set up to point at something.

-The oven.

-I said you were a smart cookie. [Chuckles]

-Turn it off.

Mom! Mom!

[Screaming]

No! No! -[Laughs evilly]

-[Whimpers]

[Ominous chorus music plays]

Mom.

Mom.

Oh, Mom.

[Breathing heavily]

Amos, help me!

Mom.

♪♪

-Yee-ah! [thud]

[Laughs] Impetus lovin'.

[Laughing evilly] -[Screams]

-Say goodnight, cream puff.

[Thud] [Laughs]

-[Screaming] [Banging]

-[Humming menacingly]

Now you know what it feels like to fry, bitch.

-[Coughing] -[Laughing]

-[Laughing evilly]

Oh, yes, burn, you bitch. [laughs]

Oh, fudge.

[Gunshots] [Clanging]

-[Coughing]

-[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

Amos.

Amos.

♪♪

Hang in.

Hang in there.

-Ah, ain't that sweet? [Groans]

I see a sappy love story brewing here.

Looking for this?

Baby, it's all over but the cryin'.

-Brick.

-What the fuck?!

-Whoa.

I was driving by after Wrestle-a-palooza,

saw you guys through the windows.

-Brick, you gotta get out of here.

-Don't worry, I can handle this.

Now it's time to meet your maker.

Prepare to face the Butcher-Baker.

For tonight, your ass is toast.

-You gotta be shittin' me.

Let's finish this. [Laughs]

-Oops. [Gunshots]

[Gunshots] [Evil laughing]

-Be glad to.

[Whack]

-You whore!

Eat me, you punk bitch!

-Butcher-Baker's no one's bitch.

[Chomping] -Hey, you fucker.

[Yells] No, no, you can't eat me.

[Grunting] You punk bitch!

-[Munching] -[Muffled yells]

♪♪

-[Belches] Got milk?

[Whimsical orchestral music plays]

-Save room for dessert

'cause I'm coming back for you. [whispers]

-[Gurgling]

-So, now we know who's mas macho, huh?

-Ahh.

-Butcher-Baker. -Baker.

[Laughs] Yeah.

Butcher-Baker.

Alright.

-[Groaning]

♪♪

-[Grunts]

How's she doin'?

-Oh, Sarah.

What happened?

-I'll tell you when all this is passed.

-There was this horrible little man.

-I know.

-He cut off my finger. [crying]

-Julia, could you help me get her to a chair?

-Oh, it hurts.

-You got her? -Yeah.

[Water running]

[Ominous rumbling music plays]

-It's not over yet, girl.

Not by a long shot.

[Suspenseful orchestral music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh, my God. [Crying]

-Don't look, it's gonna be okay.

We'll get you to the hospital, okay?

Why don't you stay here with Mom?

I'm gonna go get Brick.

It's okay. -Sarah.

-It's gonna be okay.

-Brick?

Brick!

[Creepy orchestral music plays]

♪♪

Brick?

Brick!

[Suspenseful music intensifies]

[Gasps] You scared the hell out of me.

I've been looking all over for you, come on.

Getting ready to leave.

Get your leg looked at.

You okay?

-I've never been better, toots.

-Millard.

-How sweet, she remembers.

-My God, my God.

[Gasping] Brick, Brick. -Nope, not Brick anymore.

It's only Millard now.

Time for us to finish our business.

-Brick, please.

-I told you, he's through.

Butcher-Baker's been counted out for the last time.

Now give me some sugar, baby. -[Whines]

-[Guttural groan] -[Scream]

-[Gasps] Sarah!

-No, no, no, wait here, Betty.

-He's gonna check.

-Now it's time to do like my mama always taught me.

-Not today, cookie head.

Who do you think -can kick your butt

from here to tomorrow, boy?

The candyman can. [Whack]

-Amos. -Don't worry, baby, step back.

Hey, little Findlefucker?

Mama ever teach you about this?

[Gunshots]

[tense dramatic music plays]

-Lookie there.

Just like magic.

You couldn't stop me back at the diner

when I took care of your old man and your pussy brother.

And you ain't gonna stop me now.

-I was scared of you back at the diner

but I'm through with being scared of you, Millard.

[Screams]

Go back to Hell, where you belong!

-[Screaming]

[Demonic chorus music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Crying]

Poor Brick.

-Hey.

It wasn't him no more.

It was Findlemeyer.

-We didn't have a choice.

♪♪

[Gentle chiming music plays]

♪♪

-Thanks for all your help today.

-No, thank you. And the hospital thanks you.

-Hey, Betty, how are you?

-That's Betty Leigh?

-She looks so much better.

-Oh, hi, Solomon.

-Hi, Blake.

-Hi, do you have any gingerbread cookies?

-Not if you're lucky, I don't.

-Actually, an older lady stopped by just a few minutes ago

and dropped off some of these cute little rascals.

Couldn't you just die?

[Tense dramatic music plays]

["I Can't Help This" by Charles Band]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ The hour draws nearer ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ The meaning is clearer ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ But first it grows stronger ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ I can't wait any longer ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ I'm starting to change now ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ I can't feel the pain now ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ No thoughts of tomorrow ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ No remorse and no sorrow ♪

♪ The blackness in my mind ♪

♪ A nightmare for mankind ♪

♪ The evil that men do ♪

♪ A gift from me to you ♪

♪ Your fear is left to me ♪

♪ The blood has set me free ♪

♪ Anointed by the dead ♪

♪ My thoughts now turn to red ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ The hour draws nearer ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ The meaning is clearer ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ But first it grows stronger ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ I can't wait any longer ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ I'm starting to change now ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ I can't feel the pain now ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ No thoughts of tomorrow ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ No remorse and no sorrow ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

♪ I can't help this ♪

♪ I can't help this ♪

♪ I can't ♪

♪ I can't ♪

♪ No, I can't help this ♪

♪ No, I can't help this ♪

♪ I can't help this ♪

♪ I can't help this ♪

♪♪

♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ The hour draws nearer ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ The meaning is clearer ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ But first it grows stronger ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ I can't wait any longer ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ I'm starting to change now ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ I can't feel the pain now ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ No thoughts of tomorrow ♪

-♪ I can't help this ♪

-♪ No remorse and no sorrow ♪

♪♪

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-Sarah does a great job at the end of Gingerdead man

by pushing the Gary Busey cookie into the oven.

That's it. That's the end of the movie.

Shove him in the oven.

Wouldn't he love being in the oven?

-He doesn't want to be overcooked.

-Alright. I guess the idea is he's going to burn to a crisp.

Yes, but I mean, geez. -It makes sense.

-Actually, it's the Gary Busey cookie now in the body of Brick,

The aspiring wrestler.

Because -- Right, I think so anyway.

[Laughter] Anyway, thanks everyone,

for being part of our annual Christmas auction.

You can still bid on the items throughout Christmas.

We raised record money last year.

I want to beat that number this year.

And thanks to Robin Sydney for being with us tonight.

-Yeah. [Cheers and applause]

-And she is the best.

-But are you ready for your letter?

-Yeah. Alright. It is fun.

Here you go.

An email from Nick McLean of Indianapolis.

-Alright. "Dear Joe Bob,

just wanted to say I recently discovered

your show on Shudder." -Yay!

-It took you long enough, Nick. And --

[Laughter] -Wow. Gratitude.

-"And I really enjoy it.

It reminded me that I had seen you

before on Monstervision on TNT when I was about 16.

I'm 37 now.

I also read your "Texas Chainsaw" piece

in Texas Monthly a few years back,

though I didn't realize you were the author.

As a former journalist myself, I thought it was excellent.

Anyway, given your southern roots or roots,

as we sometimes say, I had a question for you

thinking you'd be the ideal source.

The Southern Gothic genre appeals to me,

and I just wondered if you might recommend some fiction novels

and or some movies from that particular style?

Thanks for your time, and thanks for all you do.

I'll keep tuning in and reading."

Nick McLean, Indianapolis, Indiana

A lot of people mean different things

when they say Southern Gothic,

but the best Southern Gothic movie ever made.

Some people would say "Deliverance,"

but I don't really think that's a Southern Gothic movie.

I would say "Sling Blade," 1996 Billy Bob Thornton

made in Benton, Arkansas,

and the best Southern Gothic novel ever written,

in my opinion, there's only one and that's "Absalom, Absalom!"

By William Faulkner, Mississippi.

If anybody disagrees with me on those, let me know,

because I would love to actually talk about this topic.

Southern Gothic topics. So where are you, John?

Where's Santa coming from this time?

You're going to come from the ceiling.

You're going to come through.

We still got the barbed wire up, you know.

-I'm out here with the crew, Joe Bob.

-You're with the crew? -Yeah.

You want me out there?

-Yeah. Come on over. What are you doing?

-Well, I just -- -You're not even --

What happened to your...? What happened to your outfits?

You're only half dressed. -Well. I don't know.

I kind of felt like you were having your Christmas ruined

with my Santa schtick, so.

-Come on. What are you.

You know, you got your feelings hurt.

-Yeah.

-Is it because I tried to kill you a couple of times.

-Yeah. I just wanted to have a good Christmas with you guys.

-He's Santa and John. -You can still

have a good Christmas. I mean.

-He's the spirit of Christmas.

-Do you have any auction items left?

-Well, I actually do in this hat.

Do you want to see it?

-Yeah. Okay. -Okay, so I saved this.

This is the Tiara from -- -Oh, my God.

-Aww. -The prom.

-Season one. -Season one.

-That's the tiara from "Prom Night II"?

-Oh my God, I can't believe you kept that.

-We actually had your prom on the show.

-I had a prom I never had. -That's amazing, I know.

Well, it was a special day for me.

It was a special day for Darcy.

And I think it was a special day for you.

So. -It was.

-Let's share it with the mutants.

-I'm actually kind of like, you know.

-You're gonna make me cry over a cheap ass crown.

-You guys can.

-That's part of the auction now.

-Yeah, part of the auction. -So.

Alright, let's all gather for a Christmas photo.

-Aww.

-There's only three of us this year, I guess.

-There's four. -Yuki is not -- Well, Ernie.

Yeah, Ernie is here. -Let's grab Ernie.

And I'll just say that I'm very grateful for the family

that has built up around this show.

Both the people that join us for big events like the Jamboree

and the individuals who never join us,

but they let us know that they're around,

even if they're some of them are confined to hospital beds.

Some of them are in jail, you know,

but we we appreciate it when you communicate with us

and the people who never get in touch with us,

but just support us by watching all the little shows we do.

[Sighs]

-Aww. -[Laughs]

-Christmas sentimentality.

-Oh, God. [Sniffles] -You got this, man.

-I was thinking about those jail letters, anyway.

-What?

-I was thinking about those jail letters.

-I'm sorry. -I've never in my life

encountered such an amazingly supportive family of viewers.

-I didn't do it this time. I'm sorry you.

-You didn't do it this time.

I wish I could meet every one of you.

So. And some of you asked me why I do so many live shows.

And I'm especially amused

by the ones who say thank you for coming here.

You know, when I do a live show like,

their hometown is not worthy of a live show, you know?

But believe me, it's me who should be grateful

when you invite me to go there, wherever that is.

And I want to also want to thank the film makers

who increasingly make us part of their world

and increasingly help us air movies

that we would not otherwise be able to air.

So, okay, keep rolling, everybody,

and the drive in will never die.

Come on over. Let's take the picture.

-Aww. [Laughter]

-Santa Joe Bob. -I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

-I do this every year.

-Yes you do. You're sentimental. Alright.

-Okay. Alright. You ready? You got Ernie.

-Got him. -Okay, look right there.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Alright. Last joke of the year.

Last joke of the year.

Magician is working a cruise ship.

And so the audience is different every night on a cruise ship.

And so he always does the same tricks in his show every week.

But he's got one problem.

The parrot that is owned by the captain

sees the shows every week,

and he starts to understand how every magic trick is done.

So the parrot starts shouting stuff out

in the middle of the shows.

He's shouting stuff out like, look, it's not the same hat!

Or look, he's hiding the flowers under the table or hey,

why are all the cards the ace of spades?

And so the magician gets really pissed off at this parrot,

but he can't do anything because the parrot

belongs to the captain.

So one stormy night on the ocean, the ship sinks

and it drowns almost everybody on board.

But the magician finds himself floating on a piece of wood

in the middle of the ocean with the parrot.

They hate each other. They just stare at each other.

Neither one of them says a word that goes on for a full day

and two days, and then three days.

Then finally on the fourth day,

the parrot can't stand it any longer.

So he says, okay, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?

[Laughter]

-What?

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