Original subtitles

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-Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

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-Oh, there you are.

Welcome.

I suppose it's time again for

"The Last Drive-In" Christmas special,

or what we're referring to this season

as "Joe Bob's Creepy Christmas."

And yes, the Yule is upon us and the chestnuts are waiting.

And soon the laughing children

will flood through the hallways of the manse

and we will move on to a new --

-Sir, what are you doing? [Laughter]

-Introducing the Christmas show.

-Well, there are no laughing children.

There are no chestnuts. So what are you talking about?

-Darcy, I'm trying to give the Christmas special

a little class.

Have you ever watched "Masterpiece Theater?"

-No. -You know, this is --

this is a literary armchair that we have here.

This chair exudes the warmth of Father Christmas

and the yellowed pages of cherished Christmas archetypes.

So we're doing -- It's a PBS thing.

It's like a, you know, it's like the BBC at Christmas.

-Okay. -So, didn't you

just come back from London recently?

-I mean, yeah, but there are no armchairs exuding anything.

-Well, here, let me -- let me -- let me pour you a brandy.

-[Laughing] A brandy?

When did we start drinking brandy?

-I mean, it goes nice.

We have a dried fruit Christmas pudding to go with --

-Are we showing "The Brain?" -Well, yes we are, my lass.

-My lass? Okay.

You do you, and I will be over here

handling the social with my brandy.

-Alright, you should do that.

And give my most generous regards to our comrades

in Edinburgh and Dublin, as well as the Sceptered Isle.

-Alright, I shall.

I shall send a spam email. -Alright.

Thank you, my dear.

-I'll address it to the Sceptered Isle.

-Alright. I adore your saucy wit.

-Are you planning. to do this all night, sir?

-Well, to tell you the truth, no, I'm already getting

a little sick of it. -Thank you.

-But you know English Christmas, that's where it all starts.

-Yes, and American Christmas is the one that we live in.

[Laughter]

-True. Okay, now, does that mean

if I dump the "Masterpiece Theater" approach,

you won't object to the Christmas message this year?

-Anything that gets us closer to the movie is good by me.

-Darcy, the Mail Girl, ladies and gentlemen,

here to accept all your missives...

-Back to the real world. -...throughout the evening.

Message her, email her, let her know you're out there,

and above all, have a festive holly jolly, et cetera.

And meanwhile, we'll be having our annual Christmas auction

throughout the evening raising money for four,

count 'em, four charities,

and we'll also be raising money with our Christmas premiums.

-Yeah. -Those are courtesy of our

friends at Fright-Rags Company,

and I'll get to that in a moment.

But right now, it is time for the annual

Joe Bob Briggs Christmas message.

And once again, not a good year. -Hmm.

-Lots of war, lots of misery, economic hardship,

natural disasters,

and perhaps the most depressing aspect of 2023,

constant toxic exposure to news from Florida.

-Ha! -I actually think

the other 49 states should get together and protest

against having to deal with Florida news every day.

You know, Florida did this, Florida did that.

Give the Floridians some Xanax and let's move on, okay?

You know, I have this image of families all over Florida.

They're telling their six-year-old girls,

"No, darling, we're not going to Disney this year

and you're not getting that princess dress

because they have a homosexual agenda."

"But I want to see the pretty horse, Daddy," you know.

"No, sweetie pie. That horse might be ridden

by a man dressed up like a woman, so no."

You know, Florida says -- -Ooh.

-Florida says they're going to fight Disney in court.

-Okay. -Ha, ha!

Have you ever met a Disney lawyer?

I've met a Disney lawyer.

I mean, "Your Honor, this individual attempted

to sell a fake Mickey Mouse

plush toy at the carnival in Waco, you know?"

"Well, okay, but he's homeless,

and he got that Mickey plush toy from somebody else."

"He had prior knowledge that the plush toy was inauthentic."

I mean, do you really want to fight Disney?

I mean, okay, representing the state of Florida,

Willie Spencer Stevens,

former running back for the Florida State Seminoles,

just passed his law exam last year,

currently assistant district attorney for Panama City.

And representing Disney,

Roderick Carlson, former American representative to NATO,

chief prosecutor at the Serbian war crimes trials.

I mean, Disney had a two-year-old kid

eaten by an alligator on their property,

and their lawyers had that cleaned up in a week!

You know, that happens to anybody else

your history, your closed down, sayonara.

Disney just goes all right back

that semi full of $100 bills up to that family's house.

We're going to wrap this up by sundown, and then it's over.

Alright, I'm sorry I got off on that.

I was trying to focus -- -Merry Christmas.

-I was trying to focus on the Christmas message.

Alright, here's what I wanted to say.

-Okay. -Alright.

What's Christmas about?

Christmas? -What the...?

-Yeah, tell us. -Christmas is about a new birth.

-Okay. -Alright?

A birth that brings love

into the world, right?

And so usually I base the message

on the Nativity story, and that's --

and actually that's what we base our charities on.

We always have a charity for women,

charity for children, charity for animals

and a charity for the outcasts of the world

because that's what was going on in that stable in Bethlehem.

But, you know, sometimes people who are Muslim or Jewish

or Buddhist, they think I'm leaving them

out of the Christmas message, or atheists, you know?

So instead of basing the Christmas message

on the Nativity story this year,

I'm going to base it on Shakespeare.

-Okay. -Because -- yeah, yeah.

Because he's our greatest writer, right?

I mean, you don't stay number one for 450 years

without having something to say that people trust, right?

-Okay. -And so when people think about,

well, when they think about happy Shakespeare,

you know, when they think about the comedies,

you know, they think about the comedy "As You Like It"

because they remember all the, you know, these confused lovers

who end up marrying the right person

and frolicking through the Forest of Arden.

You know, at the end of a Shakespeare comedy,

everybody is laughing and dancing

and living happily ever after.

Except Jaques.

Remember the character of Jaques?

Jaques is the character in "As You Like It"

who separates himself and observes everybody's happiness

and makes snide comments about the happiness.

And Jaques thinks he's smarter than everybody else,

and he enjoys everybody's mistakes.

He's a sarcastic little fuck,

and the main reason we remember him at all

is that he makes that one famous speech.

All the world's a stage.

He makes that speech, which, let's face it,

that is a fucking depressing speech, you know?

And then at the end of the play,

when everybody's all happy and fulfilled and in love,

they say, come on, Jaques,

dance with us in the Forest of Arden.

We forgive all those snide comments.

Just join the community.

And Jaques says, nope, don't care.

I'm going to sit over here, be depressed as usual.

I'm not joining your club or any club.

Jaques is a Twitter troll.

400 years before Twitter existed,

so he gets his whole identity from being hated and rejected.

And the implication is that no matter

how much love and forgiveness and charity

and community gets introduced into the world,

there's always going to be this one guy waiting,

waiting for it to fall apart

and loving it when it does fall apart.

Alright, so what do we normally say to that guy?

We say, okay, suit yourself.

Good luck with that rod in your own private hell.

We don't care.

And what does Shakespeare say?

And by extension, what does the birth of the baby

Jesus on Christmas say regarding that guy?

See, we have to know the answer to that question

because there's lots of Jaques' in our culture these days.

We breed them like rabbits.

We have all kinds of toxic things

that make people crave rejection and crave ostracism

because it makes them feel alive.

So it's easier to be Jaques than to seek acceptance.

And so when they hear that,

go rot in your own private hell message,

they think, yes, that's exactly what I want to do,

and I will enjoy that. But what does Jesus say?

He says, you're part of us, Jaques,

you're a part of the community, whether you like it or not,

and we know you'll never admit it.

We know you'll never come close to us.

We will not try to coerce you into joining us.

But that door is always open

and the community is always waiting for you,

even if you die in total isolation.

If you die in total isolation,

we will mourn you and we will love you even then.

In other words, what you're supposed to say to Jaques

is we love you more than we love the others

because you need the love more.

That's what you do with Jaques at Christmas.

You save his life.

And that's what we need to do today.

Open that door to the haters.

Tell them they can come in whenever they feel like it,

and all of their past comments will be instantaneously forgiven

and forgotten over in an instant, you know?

Well, fuck. Here, have a brandy.

-You know, just like the world changed in an instant

when the baby Jesus was born, so, alright.

Darcy, I didn't completely stay on topic.

-What? I didn't notice.

-I got the Nativity story back in there.

I was supposed to stay on Shakespeare,

but anyway, let me just do two things here.

-I think it was about Florida. I don't know.

-Before we get started on "The Brain," alright?

-Holy crap. Okay.

-The first is -- the first -- the first thing I want to do.

I'm going to introduce the T-shirt,

because a lot of -- [Laughter]

a lot of people cannot participate

in the auction, because in recent years,

the bid prices have become insane.

-And thank you for that. -Alright.

So, and good for the -- that's good for the charities.

It's not so good for group participation.

So that's where Fright-Rags comes in.

They created some collector's items

that we have way overpriced so that we can give the money

to the same four charities that benefit from the auction.

So for example, the official "Joe Bob Briggs

"Creepy Christmas" T-shirt is 50 bucks.

It's a 50-buck T-shirt,

but if you want to go higher to the $100 level,

you get the T-shirt and "The Last Drive-In" beanie hat.

Can we put up the beanie hat? Can we show that?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because, Darcy,

aren't beanie hats making a comeback.

-I mean, I don't think they went anywhere.

-They never went anywhere? -No.

-People have always been wearing beanie hats?

-I feel like, yeah. -Okay, well, you know,

well, they're big among our fans apparently.

-For sure. -And if you're really feeling

Christmassy, reach for that $250 level and we'll send out

a T-shirt, a beanie and the official

"Last Drive-In" cooler because --

-We got one here. -Yeah. Oh, we got a cooler here?

-Oh. -Oh, there it is right there.

There's the beanie and the cooler.

Hand me that beanie. -What?

-Give me that beanie. -I didn't know that.

-See, you can wear this in the mutant hood.

-What?! Look at this. -This is a cool thing.

-This is amazing.

-Everybody -- No, I won't be wearing that.

Alright. -Look.

And "The Drive-In" cooler,

everyone needs a cooler in the dead of winter.

[Laughter]

Well, you know? -You're a good salesman.

-You know what?

January 1st, everybody strips down and jumps into the ocean

off Coney Island, right? So you'll need a cooler.

-What? Actually, you don't even need a

cooler for that, so... -No.

-But you'll have one anyway, and then at various times...

[Laughter]

I used to be able to sell these premiums better.

So, and then at various times tonight

we will be auctioning off stuff that we grabbed

out of the, well,

I mean, we're priceless movie memorabilia...

-Priceless? -...and one of a kind vacation

experiences will be auctioned off, and those will benefit

the following four charities.

I'm now announcing our charities for this year.

-You did it. You got to it. -Ready?

-Yes. -Okay, our animal charity

is The Wildlife Conservation Network,

which finds people around the world

who are already trying to protect endangered animals.

And then they funnel money to those groups

so that they have the resources they need.

In other words, they go local with this.

When you give to this organization,

you are giving to multiple organizations

that are looking to stop the killing off of tigers,

elephants, rhinos, and then a lot of other animals

that aren't as famous

and they need more money to fight the killers, alright?

Our women's charity, Every Mother Counts.

This is an organization that goes into

all the places in the United States

and in other countries that have high rates of women

and babies dying during childbirth,

and they get rid of whatever is contributing to that

and those high mortality rates.

In other words, they believe childbirth

should never end in a funeral, ever.

Okay, then our charity for the neglected

and ignored is the Paralyzed Veterans of America.

They have been around since 1946,

making sure that soldiers and sailors and Marines

who come back home with spinal cord injuries

are able to live full lives,

and that their civil rights are enforced.

And the -- and the reason we're using them

is the medical research on this is very encouraging.

They need more money to start getting

some miracles going with this,

and they can do it in this particular area.

And then finally, our children's charity.

and this one is kind of close to home

because we lost several mutant family members

this year to cancer.

Our children's charity is Solving Kids' Cancer,

where the motto is every kid deserves to grow up.

Now, I'm sure you've seen pictures of kids with cancer,

all those St. Jude's commercials at late night.

They're about -- but those are about helping with treatment.

You know, and St. -- and St. Jude is a great place.

But that's not what this is. This is research.

This is getting rid of the disease altogether.

So this is really the purest kind of gift you can make.

What you're doing is you're giving money

to a kid who hasn't been born yet,

who will someday be born without cancer,

who will never know your name.

He will never know he benefited from your gift,

or that he even received a gift.

It's about as anonymous a Christmas gift

as could ever exist.

And that's why it's perfectly in the spirit of Christmas.

Okay? You know what time it is.

-Hmm?

-It's time to get silly about brain movies.

-Oh, thank God. -Alright.

-Yes! -Do you know how many --

-Yeah. -Alright.

I know you've been waiting for that.

You know how many exploitation movies there are, Darcy,

featuring disembodied brains and killer brains

and transplanted brains and angry brains

and brains from outer space?

-Over 100.

-How do you know that? Where did you get that number?

-I've heard you say it so many times

at your "Cerebellum Night" shows.

-Oh. -"Cerebellum Night."

That's where I got my brain hat. -Oh, okay. Yeah.

You do come to those shows.

Alright. -Yes.

I call it "Cerebellum Night" when I do those live shows,

but I could call it Cerebrum Night or Hypothalamus Night

or Medulla Oblongata Night, or...

Nobody would know the difference, would they?

I could -- I could name that show after 37 different parts

of the brain and get away with it,

because there are only about three people in the world

who understand how the brain works.

And I would venture to guess that none of those

are in our audience tonight, you know?

Neurosurgeons, as a rule,

do not watch "The Last-Drive In."

But you see, that's why filmmakers

have always loved the brain.

You can make up any rules about how the brain functions

and who's going to challenge you.

Nobody who talks to us.

And so, in fact, there are just two body parts

that exploitation film makers

are obsessed with -- brains and boobs.

Now we're going to reserve boobs for another show,

but, well, actually, our first movie tonight has both in it.

I mean, in fact, we have scenes in which the brain stem

is stimulated by boobs

to activate the whangdoodle stem.

So I will be using technical terms like this all night.

But the disembodied brain, the exposed brain,

the surgically enhanced brain, the transplanted brain,

all of these varieties of gray matter manipulation

have been used so many times in the movies

that usually when you introduce a brain subplot,

you don't even have to explain what's going on

because, remarkably, they all tend to look alike.

You've seen it before.

Because what do you always need in a brain movie?

First, you need a vat, you need a bubbling vat.

The brain is always suspended in that bubbling vat.

Second, you need electrical current.

Electrodes are attached to the brain,

sometimes while the brain is still attached to the person.

So, now you would think the combination of water

and electricity would be bad, a bad combination.

Nevertheless, we're -- we're not talking scientific logic.

We're talking drive in logic. Okay?

Numero threeo, you need a mad scientist.

You need a character determined to preserve brains

in an oxygenated saline solution charged with electricity.

Now, how do we know it's an oxygenated saline solution

charged with electricity?

Because that's what it was in the book

that started this whole thing in 1943.

That's what it was in "Donovan's Brain,"

the 1943 novel by the German American writer Curt Siodmak

that's been translated into 100 languages,

and more to the point,

was provided to every American soldier

fighting in World War II.

So I'm going to talk more about "Donovan's Brain"

later in the show, but you need one more

ingredient to elevate a brain movie

into the stratosphere of neurological wonderment.

And that ingredient is brain waves.

Without brainwaves, you have nothing.

See, brainwaves --

brainwaves became very popular in the 1940s.

And that's because before then,

most people didn't know brainwaves existed.

The first brainwave in a human was detected in 1925

by a German psychiatrist named Hans Berger,

and Hans Berger was so skeptical of what he found

that he didn't even publish his research for four years.

And nobody really believed him for several years after that.

But then he invented the electroencephalograph,

which actually measures brainwaves,

and we now know what brainwaves are, or --

Well, let me correct that.

Those same three people know what brainwaves are.

You and I don't know what they are,

but they can hook us up to an EEG and chart our brainwaves.

I have no idea what they are or what they do,

but I just know they scientifically exist.

I can tell you what they are not.

They are not telepathic force fields that radiate out

from my brain into your brain and mesmerize you,

or manipulate you into murdering somebody,

or causing a girl with giant boobs

to fall in love with you, or some guy with ripped abs

and the guitar to fall in love with you or whatever.

Brainwaves do things to your body,

not to anybody else's body.

Now, fortunately for the history of cinema,

though, movie producers for the past 80 years said,

well, we disagree with that.

[Laughter]

We don't think that's good enough.

We think brainwaves do emanate from your brain

and fuck with other people.

We think brainwaves are powerful as fuck.

We think brainwaves are tools used by the CIA,

the Kremlin, mustachioed villains and secret laboratories

and outer space aliens.

And the reason I mentioned outer space aliens

is we have "The Brain" movie as a subgenre of the horror movie,

but we also have the outer space alien brain movie

as a sub subgenre of the brain movie subgenre.

But here's the thing, the brainwaves must be evil

and they must be terrifying,

because it's not the brain itself that scares you.

It's what an angry brain with nothing to lose can do

with its powerful brainwaves.

Because there's an unwritten rule in every brain plot.

If you take the brain out of its body,

or if you just fuck with the brain too much,

it becomes pissed off and murderous.

There is no such thing as a nice disembodied brain.

So tonight we celebrate the high watermark of brain sploitation,

the late '80s, when the brain movie

had matured into a structured mythos embraced by our culture.

That means a formula.

Ed Hunt, the writer, director of "The Brain"

apparently expected his audience to be extremely well informed

about brain movie tradition.

But I want you to do me a favor

as we watch this 1988 gray matter classic.

The whole movie revolves around a TV show called

"Independent Thinking" that is a front for an evil brain.

And the mad scientist character,

the owner of the brain is David Gale,

better known as Dr. Carl Hill in "Re-Animator."

-Yeah. -One of the few actors

in history to lose his head halfway through the movie,

but finished the movie.

And David Gale plays Dr. Blake,

the host of "Independent Thinking."

And I'm not spoiling anything by telling you this,

because you learn this in the first five minutes of the movie.

He's using this disembodied brain to transmit brain waves

out into the public to cause suicides, murders,

and other mayhem in the typical American town of Meadowvale.

Now, why is he doing that?

We don't know. [Laughter]

Where did he get the brain?

We don't know. -We don't know.

What's his ultimate goal?

We don't know, yet I have read reviews saying

that the brain comes from outer space,

that his goal is world domination,

that the brain feeds on fear and vulnerability,

that the whole thing is a thinly veiled critique

of Scientology, you know?

And as far as I can tell, none of that is in the movie.

So if you can find the answers to any of these questions,

please message Darcy tonight and let me know

what is the reason for this stuff in the brain.

And yet we have all the familiar feel good tropes

for a brain movie. We have the bubbling vent,

we have the electrically charged oxygenated saline solution,

we have mind manipulation by naked boobs,

and we have a brain that continually grows larger

and keeps sprouting new body parts.

We have a love interest.

We have a hero struggling valiantly to stop the brain.

We have feats of brainwave manipulation

that reach across vast distances and cause immense chaos.

The only thing we never find out is how

and why does that happen in the first place.

So I have a theory about it. -[Chuckles]

-I have a theory.

I think the director, Ed Hunt,

assumed that we had seen all the brain movies,

all 100 of them.

In other words, it's a movie made just for us.

We're the only people that would be stupid enough to do that.

So you know how writers and directors

are always talking about how hard it is

to do exposition scenes?

Ed Hunt beat that problem.

No exposition whatsoever. Fuck exposition.

Just have the brain eat somebody and move on.

-I'm down with that. That's why I love it.

-Okay, so our kind of movie.

So okay, let's look at those Drive-In totals and get started.

We have six breasts, 15 dead bodies,

one dead mouse, one secret research facility,

one giant brain in a vat,

motor vehicle crash and burn with explosion.

motor vehicle chase with cliff plunge,

tentacle stabbing, spinal-cord sprouting,

Science-lab Aardvarking,

elongated aggressive brain-tongue,

Computer-screen brain nagging, bedroom-wall squeezing,

multiple foot chases with gunplay,

bleeding milk tanks, Burger-bar brain wrestling,

exploding toilet, head chopping, head chomping, body chewing,

brain-stem strangling, Brain possessed

sports car, scissors to the chest,

chainsaw to the crotch, third-floor window plunging,

bleeding teddy bear, -swirling makeup powder,

heads roll, head flies off and secretes goo,

gratuitous beefcake photos, scaly hand fu, superglue fu,

brainwave fu, hypodermic fu.

Drive-In Academy Award nominations for David Gale

as the pop psychiatrist who says, "Your mediocre mind

cannot begin to understand my work."

Wendy Springate as the clueless mom who says,

"Well, Dr. Blake wouldn't be on TV if he wasn't good."

Tom Bresnahan, as the smart ass high school student

sent to the research institute for his own good, who says,

"I didn't realize there were so many

crazy people in Meadowvale."

Cyndy Preston as the girlfriend who ends up chained

by her wrists in a rubber room full of dead bodies.

Christine Kossak as the naked lab assistant

who says, "This is your hallucination, Jim.

You have a dirty mind."

George Buza as the bearded assassin, and Ed Hunt,

the writer, director for writing lines

like that's food for thought

after a woman is eaten by the brain.

Four stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

Wow.

You remember that time that I showed "The Brain"

at the Music Box Theater in Chicago?

-I do, and -- and I wanted to bring that up

because that's when you actually got busted.

-I know. -By some neuroscientists

or something. -I know, and you were

doing the brain cosplay like you're doing today.

-Oh, yes. - Yeah. Alright, yeah.

I made a joke.

I did get busted. -You got busted.

-I made a joke. I asked if there --

I said are there any neurosurgeons in the audience

because I'll just go ahead and, you know,

apologize to you right now.

Two people raised their hands.

I mean, they seriously raised their hands.

-But they were. -There were two neurosurgeons

in the audience,

and they were from the University of Chicago,

and they actually made clinical notes on the movie

while it was going on.

And they brought them to me. -They bought a little diagram.

-They gave me the whole diagram and came to the autograph table,

and they had diagramed how a giant man-eating brain

could happen in real life. -Yeah.

-So, you know, I mean -- -True frickin' story.

-So if you're a medical student at the University of Chicago,

you know, wear a helmet at all times, these two are dangerous.

-That was amazing. I loved it.

-You know, we -- we really should not allow people

who know what they're talking about to come to my shows.

I mean, it really causes problems.

-True.

[ Laughter ]

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[Electricity crackling]

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[Beeping, Brain growling]

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[Cheers and applause]

-Thank you. Oh, thank you.

Oh, what a wonderful audience.

Such enthusiasm.

[ Cheers and applause]

♪♪

-And now here's your guide to "Independent Thinking."

Dr. Anthony Beryl Blake,

Director of the Psychological Research Institute.

-In this complex world that we live in,

we need all the help we can get to make those right decisions.

That's why you independent thinkers have made

this the number one show in the greater metropolitan area.

[ Cheers and applause]

-Becky.

-Yeah? -Dr. Blake's on.

Don't you want to come down and watch him?

-No, I see him enough.

-Tonight, I would like to address the subject

of teenage alienation.

Today's young people lack confidence.

Drug abuse, alcoholism,

teenage suicide of all taken an horrendous toll.

But there is an answer.

Modern science can put a stop to this epidemic

just as it is solved many problems of the past.

And we here at the Psychological

Research Institute

have the answer -- independent thinking.

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-[Screams]

[Screaming]

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[Screams]

[Electricity crackling]

[Grunting]

No! Please help!

No!

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[House creaking]

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[Glass shatters]

[House rumbling]

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[Rumbling stops]

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[Door creaks]

-Becky, are you okay?

-I don't know.

-What is going on?

-I don't know.

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[Screams]

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-[Groaning]

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[Bang on window]

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[Glass shatters]

-[Screams]

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[Screaming]

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-Just a few short months ago,

we were just another local TV show here in Meadowvale.

But thanks to your support,

I am pleased to announce we will be going

nationwide very soon.

Give yourselves a hand, you independent thinkers.

[Applause]

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[Engine rattling]

[Gear shifts]

-Today's top story,

three more unexplained violent deaths in the Meadowvale area

over the weekend.

Police have found no connection

between the rash of murders and suicides,

which have swept our community over the last two weeks.

Stay tuned for the latest details on the hour

with complete local and international news.

Now back to a bit of that hard, hard, rocky,

depraved teenyboppers love so much by.

♪ Gotta show me your mind♪

♪ Baby, right now everything is going to be fine♪

♪♪

♪ Oh, I need you ♪

♪ Oh, I want you ♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Engine shuts off, music stops playing]

[Indistinct conversations]

-Oh, hi, Jim.

-Hey. -Hey, hey.

[Indistinct conversations]

-Willie.

-Ah, if it isn't his majesty Majelewski.

-Hey, what's up?

-So, what time did you get home last night?

-12:30. -[Laughs]

-My old man almost killed me. Where's Janet?

-She was looking for you.

-Hey. -Hi.

-Hi. -Sorry I'm late.

Um, did you do the homework?

[Paper rustling]

-How are you going to copy it now?

-I'll do it during class.

-Jim, if you get caught, I'll get in trouble, too.

-I thought you said you loved me.

-I love you when you're staying out of trouble.

-Okay. Come on.

Oh, wait. -What?

-I'll see you in there.

-Where are you going? -I got to go to the bathroom.

-Hurry up. -Save my seat.

-So, what did you do last night?

Ooh. -Hey, shut up.

-Tell me.

[Handle clicks]

[Sodium thuds]

-Hi, Mr. Sweeting.

♪♪

[Rumbling]

-[Grunts]

Majelewski.

This is one of your stunts, isn't it?

-What?

-You just came out of the washroom.

I think somehow you managed to tamper with the plumbing,

and that's why I'm soaking wet.

-That's a pretty serious accusation, sir.

You know, we're learning in civics class

right now how you're innocent until proven guilty.

-So you think you're an American, do you?

-Last time I checked.

-Well, you're not. -You're in high school.

You left this behind.

-[Sighs]

-No, I really got you, you little punk.

-Let's go.

-Mr. and Mrs. Majelewski,

it is true that James has one of the highest IQs

in our high school.

However, his intellect and his energy

is primarily channeled into causing trouble.

-Doesn't seem to be affecting my grades, does it?

-No, but it's affecting the students in our classrooms,

our teachers and myself.

-[Sighs] It's too bad.

-Yeah, it is too bad.

And unless we can find some other alternative,

I may have no choice but to suspend James.

And if I do that, you won't graduate.

-You can't do that. It's blackmail.

-It is not blackmail. Not in any way, shape or form.

What we have to do is get to the root of the problem.

I think it is your attitude that is causing

your antisocial behavior. -You can't

prevent me from graduating.

-James, you're preventing yourself.

Now, I am prepared to offer some help.

Mr. and Mrs. Majelewski, Ms. Chisholm,

our guidance counselor, has some tapes I think

you'll find very interesting.

[Tape player clicks]

♪♪

-Now, an important message from the world famous psychologist,

Dr. Anthony Beryl Blake.

-Does your teenager have a discipline problem?

Is he or she in trouble at school?

Involved with drugs, alcohol, sex?

At the Psychological Research Institute

we have the answer.

Call us.

-Well, I don't have a problem with drugs, alcohol or sex,

so I guess we're done for today, huh?

-Sit down, James.

You have a problem with your attitude

and your disruptive behavior.

-Dr. Blake has seen some problem students,

and we've seen terrific results.

-I don't need to go to this guy, Blake.

Everyone knows he's a flake. You can't make me.

-James, you don't seem to grasp the seriousness

of what we're discussing here

or how earnest I am to change your behavior.

-Jim, Dr. Blake wouldn't be on TV if he wasn't good.

-Mom, everything you see on TV is the truth?

Come on.

-I'm sorry. I've reached the end of my rope.

-Jim, it doesn't

look like we have any real choice.

-Dad, what are you doing?

You're going to sell me out?

-What are you going to do if you don't graduate?

-Fine. Make the appointment.

-Thank you both.

[Squishes]

-Jim.

Jim, I said no.

-Janet, we've been going out for eight months.

-I know.

We decided I'm not going to do it until I get to college.

-What if we go to different colleges?

-Oh, if you want to do it, you're going to have to go

to the college I go to. -[Chuckles]

Come on, I've had a really hard day, okay?

-Sorry.

I'm worried about you.

What are you going to do about Mr. Woods?

-I'm going to go see that TV guy, Dr. Blake.

-You mean PRI? -Yeah. Why?

-What do you think that's a good idea?

-One place is as good as another.

Except for some places that are better than normal.

-Stop it. I'm serious.

I was talking to Sally and she said

that Becky was under treatment from Dr. Blake.

-So what?

-So there's a lot of really weird stuff going on lately.

[Dog barking]

[Footsteps]

♪♪

♪♪

-Alright, I agree with you.

But why don't we just talk about that tomorrow, okay?

Just have a nice night together alone, please?

♪♪

[Screams]

-Ahh!

Oh, God.

-[Chuckles] Scared your ass, didn't I?

-Willie, what are you --

-Is that all you guys know how to do? Play jokes?

-Oh, that's not all Willie knows how to do.

-[Laughs]

-[Groans]

♪♪

[Dog barking]

♪♪

-Evening, Officer Marks.

-Alright, Majelewski.

Come on, let's move it. It's past curfew.

-Thanks for reminding us. -Come on, move it.

-Alright, relax. We're going.

[Engine starts]

[Dog barking]

Jeez. -Bye.

-See you later, Willie.

-Take it easy.

-[Sighs] I don't know.

Maybe Woods is right. Maybe I am crazy.

-You know you're not crazy.

-Yeah, Marks needs a shrink, but they give him a badge

and let him tell us what to do.

Could you explain that for me?

Well? -No.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

-Yes? -I'm here to see Dr. Blake.

-Give me those.

-I didn't realize there were so many crazy people

in Meadowvale.

-Crazy people are that way.

Follow the white line And fill these out.

-Have a nice day, buddy.

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey, you here?

They're taken over, the aliens.

Dr. Blake's an alien.

I tell everybody, but nobody believes me.

You believe me, don't you?

-Sure, I believe you.

-They're not going to find me

'cause I hide in my mind.

-[Chuckles] Good thinking.

-Hey. Hey, how'd you get out again, huh?

-Hey. Relax, buddy. He didn't do anything.

-This is none of your business.

Come on, let's go back now, huh? Come on.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-James Majelewski?

-Uh, yeah.

You can call me Jim.

-Do you have any forms for me?

-Oh, right here.

♪♪

-Parents signed the consent form. That's good.

We have to do a preliminary check up.

Can you lift up your shirt, please?

-Now? -Yes, now.

Take a breath.

♪♪

[Squelching]

♪♪

Heartbeat's excellent.

-It's good to know.

Uh, what are those?

[Squelching, growling softly]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Dr. Blake will explain everything.

He'll be with you in just a moment.

-Let's get started.

♪♪

[Door closes]

♪♪

♪♪

-Dr. Blake. -Hi.

I've seen you on TV.

-Ah.

I want you to clear your mind, Jim,

and I want you to answer my questions

to the best of your ability.

-Okay.

-Keep your eye on the monitor.

♪♪

-[Growling softly]

♪♪

[Beeping]

♪♪

-What is Vivian holding in her hand, Jim?

-An apple.

♪♪

-It is a baseball.

♪♪

-I see an apple.

[Beeping]

-Look again.

[Growling softly]

[Beeping]

♪♪

-Wait a minute. Maybe...

♪♪

No, it's still an apple.

[Beeping]

♪♪

♪♪

-Look directly at the monitor.

♪♪

-Now, this is my kind of therapy.

-What do you see now?

-Well, there's two of them.

-Two apples?

-No, they're not apples, but they're round.

♪♪

[Growling softly]

[Beeping]

♪♪

-[ Moaning]

♪♪

♪♪

-Man, what's happening?

-What is it, Jim? What do you see?

♪♪

♪♪

-[Growling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Roars]

-You can go now.

-What the hell happen to me?

I'm not some kind of guinea pig, you know?

You're supposed to be helping me,

not messing with my mind! -It's alright.

-Get off me! -You just suffered from an

hallucination, that's all.

-Get your hands off me, buddy.

You're crazier than that guy out in the hallway.

[Door slams]

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

-Okay, before you can even ask me the question

who is the girl playing Vivian

because that's always the first question in the post movie Q&A,

her name is Christine Kossak and this is her only movie.

She has two other walk on roles, but don't bother with those

because there's no boobs in those.

I guess she was hired for her boobs.

So anyway, let me give you a little background on Ed Hunt,

the writer, director.

-Ho, ho, ho!

-Aww.

[ Laughter ]

-Merry Christmas.

-What are you doing, John?

-I'm Santa Claus. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

-Yeah. -First of all, John,

don't say ho, ho, ho.

That's what a Salvation Army Santa Claus

says in front of Macy's.

You're supposed to chuckle like a jar of jelly.

That's what Santa does. -Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Stop calling him, John. You are doing a great job, Santa.

-Thank you, Darcy. -Santa.

-Thank you, Darcy. -[Laughs]

-I have two special auction items

to kick off the night here at Christmas time.

-Yay! -Okay, cool.

First one is really cool.

This is a screen worn shirt from the time that you died

on the "Day of the Dead" episode

of the season final of season five.

And look, there's blood here. -Whoa.

-That's my shirt. -That is your shirt.

-Bloody. -Like, you found my shirt?

-Yeah, you didn't need it. You were dead.

-Okay. [Laughter]

-So that's here.

We'll leave this so you don't take this back.

Somebody's gonna buy that? -Okay.

Yeah, somebody's going to buy it.

-Okay. -And then the second item

we have, this is the best.

This happens every year,

a set visit to here at "The Last Drive-In."

-Yeah! -Ah, okay.

-Meet the crew, meet Joe Bob, Darcy and Santa Claus.

-Alright, yeah. -Ernie.

-We always have two people come once a year,

and we pay their -- all expenses to be on the set

for one of our shows. -[Chuckles]

It's one of the things that sounds --

-Way to sell it. -It sounds good.

Yeah. No, no, it sounds good.

-It is good. -Okay.

-Excuse me, I'm going to go back into this chimney

and I'll see you guys later. -Okay, alright.

-Ho, ho, ho! -Thank you. John.

Okay, I get it.

It's a way to do the auction. Cute.

-Santa, Santa.

-But Santa can barely get through that fireplace.

I don't know what that's about. -Don't judge him.

Anyway, Ed Hunt graduated from UCLA film school.

He started working as a cameraman

on educational films in the '60s.

And then he got into editing sex films

during the days before porn was really a thing.

I'm calling him sex films, but in the '60s,

a sex film was anything that had full female nudity.

Then he got a job directing sex films,

including a film called "Pleasure Palace"

that became very popular in Canada thanks to a show called

"Baby Blue Movie" on Channel 79.

So Ed Hunt, his knack was he could raise money.

For a while, this was his ticket.

He could make movies cheap and fast for investors,

but he made one called "Diary of a Sinner"

that lost money.

So he pivoted out of sex movies,

moved on to action movies and sci-fi movies.

He made one called "Point of No Return."

He made one called "Starship Invasions"

that's about UFOs and underwater pyramids

filled with telepathic aliens

Featuring Christopher Lee in a Gumby outfit.

He made a horror flick called

"Bloody Birthday" with Robert Vaughn

about a telepathic kid born under a solar eclipse

who's infected with a taste for blood.

He was big on telepathy, brainwaves.

He was big on brainwaves.

Anyway, "The Brain" was Ed Hunt's 11th film.

And what did all his films have in common?

Canadian tax shelter money. [ Laughter ]

They were made during the heyday of the Canadian tax shelter.

And in fact, Ed Hunt loved

Canadian tax shelters so much that he moved to Canada.

And for this movie, he worked with a special effects guy named

Greg Williams to develop a prototype of the Brain.

Now this -- this was before the script.

They don't have any script, they just have the title

"The Brain."

So they developed this prototype

and he went around showing the prototype to would be producers.

And there was a video distributor called

Live Entertainment. -Yeah.

-And the head of Live Entertainment,

do you remember the Menendez brothers?

It was their dad. It was the dad they murdered.

That was who headed Live Entertainment.

So the Live Entertainment guy says,

if you make a movie with that brain,

we will put it in 40,000 video stores.

And then another distribution company called

Shapiro-Glickenhaus said, if you make that movie,

we will sell that all over the world at the film markets.

And so the result was "The Brain" was in the black

before they even wrote it or filmed it,

and it did indeed end up occupying shelves

in every video store in America.

And it did indeed play around the world in theaters

owned by guys who went to the Cannes film market

and saw the poster and made deals to distribute it.

And I mean, don't you love the '80s

that you could do stuff like that?

Alright, before we go back to the movie,

I want to remind you that for this hour of the show,

we are raising money for solving Kids' Cancer.

All cancer sucks and kids

cancer sucks more than any other cancer.

And this organization works with 250 pediatric cancer centers

in 24 countries developing new treatments,

looking for cures.

Solving Kids' Cancer was formed

in 2007 by two guys, John London and Scott Kennedy.

They had both had intense personal experiences

with children's cancer,

and the inspiration for their efforts came

when one of those cancer kids, Penelope London,

said to her dad I don't want anyone to ever feel yucky.

And that's their motto, and that's their goal.

And they're both of them are sophisticated,

connected businessmen,

so they know how to get things done.

And that's why we want to get more money to them

to get the job done faster.

So go to our website, bid on the auction items,

buy the T-shirt and the beanie and the cooler.

And 100% of what we collect goes directly to the charities.

Now, we return to the Canadian thriller

"The Brain."

Roll It.

Over in Germany, they have this TV series

called "Worst Films Ever."

They've shown "The Brain" twice.

[Laughter]

And it was so popular that people root for the Brain.

-Brain's cool.

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

-Look, it's tail is growing.

-Spinal cord, Verna. It's a brain, not an animal.

-Right.

-Forget Majelewski.

♪♪

[Mouse squeaking]

-I think it's hungry. -Don't tease it.

-That thing is trying to control us, I can feel it.

-That is your imagination.

-There's been eight deaths since you began TV transmissions

of The Brain's hypnotic wave. Is that my imagination, too?

-There's no connection that can be proven scientifically.

-Resistance to The Brain's hypnotic wave

causes hallucinations, and you know it.

-Your mediocre mind cannot begin

to comprehend the importance of my work.

I suggest you look into your own neurotic behavior,

then perhaps you will understand your continuing negativity.

-You have to stop this insane research.

That thing isn't satisfied Just controlling the minds

of the people who watch your TV show.

-It's apparent you and I

will no longer be able to work together.

-Fine with me, but wait till I tell people

what's really going on around here.

Now take that thing and bury it where it belongs.

[Brain shrieks]

[Screaming]

[Grunting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Whimpering]

[Brain growling]

♪♪

-That's food for thought.

♪♪

♪♪

[Growling]

♪♪

[Brain grunts]

♪♪

["Jingle Bells" playing on radio]

♪♪

[Distortion playing on radio]

♪♪

[Radio turns off]

♪♪

[Lock clicks]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Engine revving]

♪♪

[Pedal thumping]

♪♪

-[Grunts]

♪♪

[Grunting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Horn honking]

♪♪

Ah!

[Grunts]

[Grunting]

♪♪

[The Brain shrieking]

♪♪

[The Brain roaring]

♪♪

[Grunts]

[Tires squealing]

[Glass shatters]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Explosion]

[Birds chirping]

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaks]

[Bell rings]

[Indistinct conversations]

-Debbie, where's Janet?

-Man, what happened to you?

-Janet!

-I got into a car accident.

-Jesus, what happened? -I'm alright.

-Well, you're bleeding. -I'm alright.

Can we just go in the back and talk?

-Alright, come on. Willie, get me a washcloth.

-Alright, here.

♪♪

-What happened? -I totaled my car.

-How? - I don't know.

I went to that PRI place,

and they did all this weird shit to me.

It made me hallucinate or something.

-What are you talking about?

-I don't know.

They did all this stuff.

There's apples and baseballs,

and Blake's assistant's blouse just floated off

and she walked right out of the TV.

-You better not be joking around.

-I'm not joking, Janet. I'm serious.

[Panting]

I don't even know what happened.

I was just driving along and this thing

reached out and grabbed me.

-I'm taking you to the hospital.

-No, I don't want to go to the hospital.

-Jim. - I don't want any more doctors.

-You're bleeding. [Door opens]

-You guys, the whole cheerleading squad

just showed up. Can I get some help?

Willie.

♪♪

-Janet?

-In a minute.

-Come on.

-In a minute!

-Just shut up, Debbie!

♪♪

-Okay, I'll be back in 10 minutes.

I'm off. Just sit down and don't move.

-Okay.

-I'll be back.

♪♪

♪♪

[Chair slides]

♪♪

-Weird story, huh?

[Indistinct conversations]

-Thank you. -Can I help someone?

-Yeah. Cheeseburger and fries.

♪♪

[Rumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Liquid hissing]

♪♪

-Can I have lettuce and cheese on that, please?

♪♪

♪♪

-Janet, is Majelewski here?

-Why? -I wasn't talking to you.

-Why? Is something wrong?

-This car was in an accident down the road.

I thought he might have come in here.

You're his girlfriend.

♪♪

[Liquid hissing]

♪♪

[Door banging]

What's going on back there?

-It's a new stock clerk.

He's knocking stuff over all the time.

[Banging]

-Yeah.

♪♪

-[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey, real clumsy.

[Banging]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Jim!

Stop it! Stop!

Stop, Jim! -[Grunts]

-[Screams]

♪♪

Jim, calm down.

Jim, stop it.

♪♪

No!

Jim! Calm down.

♪♪

Jim!

♪♪

[Siren wailing]

♪♪

[Gear shifts, engine shuts off]

♪♪

♪♪

-I got him. -Jim!

Stop it, Jim!

Stop it!

[Indistinct screaming]

♪♪

-Janet, don't let him take me!

-Stop it. -Don't let him take me.

-What are you doing? What are you giving him?

Stop it! Who are you?

-I'm Nurse Verna from PRI.

He just needs a little more treatment.

-What are you -- Where are you going?

-Janet, don't let him take me. -Jim.

-Come on, man.

-No! What are you doing? No!

Bring him back. Where are you taking him?

Wait. You can't just take them away.

-Yes, we can.

We have a release form signed by his parents.

-Let me go with them. -No, you don't.

-Let go with me.

Let go with me.

Jim! [Car door closes]

Let go!

Damn it!

Willie.

[Car engine starts]

Damn.

[Tires screech]

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

-Wow, The Brain in the movie has long distance tentacles

that can control sports cars and jump out of cardboard boxes.

-[Laughs]

-Does anybody recognize Varna,

the beefy orderly who injects Jimmy through his sweater

and carries him out of the diner when he goes berserk?

It's George Buza. -Yay.

-Hardest working character actor in Canada.

The guy who played Santa Claus in last year's Christmas movie,

"A Christmas Horror Story." -Yeah.

Remember the Santa Claus who fights

with all the demonic elves and kills them?

-Back to back George Buza movies, man. Yay.

-Okay, in order to understand the brain horror subgenre,

you need to know that it all starts in 1943

with a novel called "Donovan's Brain."

Curt Siodmak, the author of the novel.

He's terribly underrated as a genius of geek art.

His brother is actually more famous, Robert Siodmak,

director of famous film noirs and thrillers

like "Criss Cross" and "The Killers"

and "Flesh and the Woman,"

"The Devil Strikes at Night."

And there's even one film

that the Siodmak brothers worked on together.

Curt wrote the film, Robert directed the film.

And of course, I'm talking about "Son of Dracula"

with Lon Chaney Jr, because that's the kind of movie

that Curt specialized in.

-It's one of the best Dracula sequels.

-It is, right?

Curt also wrote "Earth vs. the Flying Saucers."

-Nice. -"I Walked with a Zombie,"

"The Beast with Five Fingers,"

and his biggest Hollywood triumph was "The Wolf Man."

-Yeah. -But in 1943,

when he wrote "Donovan's Brain,"

nobody had ever heard of Curt Siodmak.

He was just the little brother of Robert.

Robert was the artist.

-Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! -Oh, God.

-Chestnuts are roasting on that open fire.

-Well, hello again, Santa.

-Hello, Joseph Robert Briggs.

-Alright, what is it now?

-Well, I have two more auction items.

Would you like to see?

-Yeah.

-They're directly from your private collection.

-Really? -First up, we have --

-You went into my house and got auction item?

-That's right. A poster of "Basket Case."

-Oh, wow. -Alright.

-Look at that. [Laughter]

This is Joe Bob's private poster.

-That was in my office.

-Well, now it's going to a lucky mutant.

Ho, ho, ho! -Alright.

-Is it autographed?

It is. Look at that Frank Henenlotter right there.

-Oh, my God. Okay.

-Ho, ho, ho!

-That's generous, Joe Bob. -You are a generous man.

-That's so nice of you. -And if that wasn't enough...

"Basket Case 2." -Wow.

-Oh, my God. -Ho, ho, ho, ho!

And that's signed as well. Look at that.

-Oh, my God. Two.

-That's my poster. -It's signed to you.

That's adorable.

-From Frank Henenlotter himself.

-Oh, my God.

-Any fans of "Basket Case 2" out there?

[Cheering]

Well, alright, bid on this

and you can have that in your home.

I'm going through these coals again

because you're a naughty boy. -Really? Well --

-Get out of here. -Thank God Frank Henenlotter

is my neighbor, I can go ask for another.

-No, these are priceless artifacts.

-You know, but anyway, is he going to do that all night?

Because that's kind of annoying.

-I think it's adorable. It's so Christmassy.

-Okay, anyway, here's the plot of the book

that all brain movies are based on.

"Donovan's Brain."

An asshole, corrupt multi-millionaire

named Donovan crashes his plane in the Arizona desert.

He's barely alive when the rescue team gets there.

Part of the rescue team is this eccentric doctor

who lives nearby, Dr. Cory.

So Cory can't keep Donovan alive,

but he's been doing this -- these weird experiments

on monkey brains, and he thinks to himself,

I wonder if I could keep a human brain alive.

So he essentially steals Donovan's brain

when nobody's looking,

puts it in a glass tank that has --

What does the glass tank have, class?

It has an electrically charged oxygenated saline solution.

He then starts doing various experiments

in an attempt to communicate with the brain.

Okay, now here's the scene.

This scene has been in dozens of movies.

One night, Dr. Cory starts jotting things down

while he's in a sort of half waking, half sleeping state,

and when he looks at his notes the next day,

it's not his handwriting, It's Donovan's handwriting.

-Ooh.

-Donovan has sent -- You guess what he sent.

Donovan has sent... -Brainwaves.

-Brainwaves, exactly, out into the brain of Dr. Cory

to get him to do some diabolical stuff.

Of course Dr. Cory is so amazed

and excited that he encourages the brain

to talk to him more and more often.

And finally, Dr. Cory becomes Donovan,

and he carries out all the evil financial schemes

that Donovan was involved in before the plane crash.

The brain then orders Donovan to kill this young,

innocent girl who's standing in his way.

But before that can happen, the one other person

who knows about this experiment intervenes.

Dr. Cory's assistant is Dr. Schratt,

and Dr. Schratt is an elderly alcoholic doctor

who has never liked what Dr. Cory is doing.

He's the character you always need

at the end of any brain movie,

the character determined to kill the brain at all costs.

And to do that, he needs to know the vulnerability of the brain.

So the one weak spot in the brain's

all encompassing brainwave power, in this case,

is that the brain needs a quiet period every day to rejuvenate.

The brain essentially goes to sleep.

But that doesn't mean the brain is not

dangerous while it's sleeping.

So how do you avoid the brain's power

to hypnotize you or mesmerize you when you come close to it?

Schratt has the answer.

He will recite a poem over and over again

so that he blocks out the outside brainwaves.

And that poem is,

Amidst the mists and coldest frosts,

he thrusts his fists against the posts

and still insists he sees the ghosts.

Okay, you see how it just spit all over myself doing that?

-Yes, I did. [Laughter]

-Notice how hard that was for me to say?

Every word in that poem ends in STS,

and you have to expend extra mental effort

to sound both of the S's in those words.

So your brain is working overtime

so that Donovan's brainwaves can't force their way in.

So Schratt waits until

the Donovan brain's quiescent period,

and he goes into the lab where the bubbling vat is.

But the brain wakes up

and it orders Schratt's heart to stop beating,

because at this point, Donovan's powers have apparently

escalated beyond neurology to include cardiology.

So with his last breathing moment,

Schratt brings an axe down on the vat,

destroys the brain by depriving it

of electrically charged oxygenated saline solution.

Schratt dies, but so does the brain,

and the girl's life is saved. -Yay!

-Okay. -Alright.

-"Donovan's Brain" was filmed three times,

and actually, the first adaptation of it

was a radio play directed by Orson Welles in 1944.

Orson Welles played Dr. Patrick Cory,

but the first film version was a Republic Pictures

B movie called "The Lady and the Monster."

Also 1944, with a lot of added plot twists,

Erich von Stroheim was the obsessive brain researcher,

Richard Arlen was the colleague

and Vera Ralston was the woman they're all fighting over,

including the brain.

So Vera Ralston was a Czechoslovakian figure

skating champion who was brought to Hollywood by Herbert Yates,

who was head of Republic Studios.

And Herbert Yates, unfortunately,

was so in love with her

that he gave her leads in 20 movies,

proving that she was a wonderful...figure skater.

But she did have big boobs, and she was

the very first solution... -Yeah.

-...to the problem.

Was that a cheer for big boobs?

-Yes. -She was the very first

solution to the problem of the "Donovan's Brain" novel.

It has no love interest.

Every picture, no matter what it was about,

needed some kind of romantic subplot.

So everybody who adapted Donovan's brain for film

was going to have to invent a female role.

Alright,the second version of "Donovan's Brain"

came out in 1953,

and it was called, surprise, "Donovan's Brain."

The veteran leading man, Lew Ayres is the doctor,

and this time he has a wife, Nancy Reagan.

And so Lew Ayres hams it up

once Donovan takes over his brain.

He starts smoking cigars,

walking with a limp, being ruthless.

But then a news photographer

blackmails the doctor by threatening

to tell the world that he stole the brain of a dying man.

And the brain doesn't like this,

and he orders a fatal car crash for the news photographer.

Apparently, brainwaves can be powerful enough

to screw with brake linings,

but the weakness rule in this case

is that Donovan's brain can only control one person at a time.

So the doctor and his wife hatch a plot to switch off.

They go back and forth so that the person not being controlled

by the brain can fight the brain,

but the brain fights back with a new strategy.

He orders people to commit suicide to lessen the odds,

and everything gets so chaotic that fire breaks out

in the mountain retreat home where this is all taking place,

and the brain is destroyed, even after it uses brain waves

to force Frank Schratt to shoot himself.

So anyway, Schratt survives.

The doctor goes to jail for being a brain thieving weirdo,

but the world is safe from the angry brain.

Alright, the third direct adaptation

was The Brain in 1962,

directed by Freddie Francis,

the great British cinematographer.

And the big plot change in this one

is that the Donovan character

is using his brainwaves to find his own murderer and kill him.

Okay, these are the three foundation films

of all brain movies.

Thank you, Curt Siodmak, for creating "Donovan."

I know that took a lot of time.

I'll try to be briefer in the future.

-I don't believe you, man.

-And you probably shouldn't believe me, but I will try.

Roll the film.

-Thank you. -Oh, man.

By the way, I should also mention

that if I'm doing my job right at this point,

50% of the audience watching us has identical brainwaves.

That's called synchronous brain activity.

And when we start the movie, that will go up to 70%

because of the additional sensory

input in a motion picture image.

So there's something about watching movies

together that just lines us up

like members of the Manson Family.

Though beware the mutant family.

-Hell, yeah. -[Chuckles]

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Banging]

♪♪

♪♪

[Banging continues]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaks]

♪♪

[Door closes]

♪♪

-Let me sneak in, you can sneak out.

They'll think I'm you. They'll never find me in here.

♪♪

-Okay.

-Thanks.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Are you sure you want to do this?

-Yes.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Come on.

♪♪

Hurry up.

♪♪

♪♪

Come on. -I'm trying.

♪♪

-It's increased size.

The brainwaves we're sending out can be even stronger.

You'll be reaching a wider audience soon.

Soon it will be thinking for all those morons out there.

The stronger it gets, the more minds it needs to control.

It must expand or it will die.

-[Growls] -Kill him.

♪♪

-Stop him!

Move!

♪♪

♪♪

[Gunshots]

♪♪

♪♪

-I got it.

-Hurry up.

♪♪

Stay close to me.

♪♪

-[Groans]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Janet, we're never going to find him up here.

-We have to, Willie. -What do you mean we have to?

-I don't know.

♪♪

[Gun cocks]

We can't just leave him here. -I know, I know.

-Janet. -Jim!

-Shh, there's two guys after me.

We got to get the hell out of here, come on.

-But what -- What's happening?

♪♪

-Watch out! -Come on.

Hurry up.

♪♪

-[Growls] -Oh, no!

♪♪

-[Screaming]

-[Growling]

♪♪

-[Indistinct shouting]

♪♪

-Willie!

-Willie! Willie!

-[Growling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Roaring]

♪♪

♪♪

-Over there. The truck.

♪♪

♪♪

-Where the hell is the key? -I don't know.

Oh, Willie had them.

Look underneath the dash. I think he's got a hide-a-key.

-Shit.

Oh, my God. Here, here, here.

Go! [Engine sputtering]

Let's go, let's go! [Engine sputtering]

Go!

[Engine starts] Jim, drive!

[Tires squeal]

[Gunshots]

♪♪

What the hell is going on here?

-It's that's brain monster thing that's killing everyone.

-I heard him and Blake talking about it.

[Tires squealing]

♪♪

[Tires screeching]

[Siren wailing]

♪♪

Jim, pull over. It's the police.

-We can't trust them.

-We need help. -We can't trust them!

[Tires screech]

-Hold it right there! -Officer Marks, we got get back

to PRI.

What are you doing? -Officer Marks.

-We got to get back to PRI. -Put your hands out.

-Listen to us. We saw Willie killed at PRI.

Please, we need your help. -Officer Marks, will you listen?

-You killed Willie. I've got a APB out on you.

-Are you crazy?! -No! Please listen!

-There's a monster a PRI that's killing people.

-No, listen! -You're as crazy as he is.

-No.

-Officer Marks, you're making a big mistake.

We got to get back to PRI! -Stop it!

-Blake's assistant just shot at us!

-Shut up and get in the car. -Would you listen, please?

Get in the car! -Hey, asshole,

We got to get the PRI.

-Get in that car.

In here! Come on!

Get in the car!

♪♪

-Jim, look.

♪♪

-I got it both of them.

-That's Blake's assistant.

-That's them in back of the police car.

I'll take down to the station. You can follow me.

Oh, my God.

-No.

♪♪

He's coming after us.

Jim. Oh, no.

Go! Get out!

Go!

[Glass shatters]

Go!

♪♪

[Police radio chatter]

[Panting]

-[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey, hey!

♪♪

Majelewski killed him!

Chopped his head off!

[Dog barking]

♪♪

-We got to find somewhere to hide.

-What about the school?

It's Saturday. -Good thinking.

Here.

[Dog barking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-It's very sad when a difficult case goes wrong.

James Majelewski has trouble dealing with reality.

Please, James, if you hear my voice,

please turn yourself in before you kill again.

And, ladies and gentlemen,

if you see this poor unfortunate,

call the police.

♪♪

-Stay down. Stay down.

Wait a second.

I knew it. Independent thinking.

-So what, Jim? Come on!

-He's gonna brainwash everyone.

There's gonna be no one left to believe our story.

[Vehicle approaches]

Cops.

♪♪

Stay down. Stay down. Stay down.

♪♪

[Saw buzzing]

-How many times have you asked your husband

to watch this show and he has refused?

Don't let him ignore you by ignoring me.

Be assertive. Tell him.

If he wants you...

he must watch me.

If he wants you...

he must watch me.

♪♪

[Saw buzzing]

-Stay down, stay down. -Excuse me, sir.

Have you seen a young boy and a blond girl?

They are wanted in connection with three murders.

-Get down.

-Thank you very much, sir.

-Honey, wouldn't you like to watch Dr. Blake with me?

-No. You go ahead. I'm not interested.

-It's that asshole Woods!

-Come on!

-No.

-Please!

♪♪

[Growling]

[Saw buzzing]

-Hey. What are you doing?

Put that thing down.

That's not funny. Put it down!

Stop!

-[Growling]

Stop!

St-o-o-o-op!

[Screaming]

-[Laughing]

[Mr. Woods screaming]

-[Growling]

[Buzzing stops]

-He killed him!

Majelewski cut a man in half!

-Wow!

That wily brain just keeps pinning

murder after murder on poor old Jimmy,

played by Tom Bresnahan, by the way.

I think Tom Bresnahan does a great job

with this very energetic performance.

He was an up-and-coming actor at the time this movie came out.

When people recognize him today, he has to ask them, "Well,

which cult movie do you know me from --

'The Brain' or 'Ski School'?"

-Ooh. "Ski School." -'Cause he was the star of both.

But at the time, he had worked with Robert Zemeckis

on "Amazing Stories."

He had a role on "Family Ties."

He worked 22 years in the business.

He had a lot of roles,

but he never really broke out as a star.

And he said publicly that he got into drinking and drugging,

and that may be what held him back.

But he has a new profession today.

He's helping young guys, especially actors,

beat their addictions.

So, good for you, Tom.

Cynthia Preston, the female lead, has had a great career.

She's been in 19 movies, the lead in 19 movies.

She spent three years on "General Hospital."

She did the semi-famous lifetime movie "A Woman's Rage."

[Laughter]

But at the time this was made, she was a local model.

They filmed this in Toronto, and she was just getting started.

Alright, I'm gonna dedicate this next hour

to the Paralyzed Veterans of America,

which has chapters all over America.

They're getting servicemembers with spinal-cord injuries

and Lou Gehrig's Disease and other diseases fixed up

so they can participate in sports

and use public facilities and have normal lives.

And the reason we're picking them at this particular time

is they also fund research.

And the research is really, really promising

as to getting these guys walking again.

But it's expensive. The equipment is expensive.

The medical care is expensive.

And you know what they spend a lot of money on?

Everybody needs help getting the VA

to do all the stuff it's supposed to do!

So bid on all these items. And --

[Twinkle!]

-Ho! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

-Oh, God. Okay. I guess you are gonna do this all night.

-Ho, ho, ho! -Welcome, Santa!

-Thank you, Darcy. Thank you so much.

-you know, John, you can just walk over.

You don't have to come through that thing.

-You want to see the first item I got on this segment?

-Yeah! -A whip!

-Yay!

It's from the Walpurgisnacht episode.

-Oh, yeah. -I'm gonna whip it.

What do you think? -No, don't whip it.

Don't whip it. The last time I whipped it,

we had to report to the union.

-Oh, no. -[Laughs]

-Alright, so...

-We'll whip you a merry Christmas and happy new beer!

-What? -Joe Bob will sign this beer!

It's screen-used! -[Laughs]

-Oh, no.

-You can auction on this very beer and this whip!

Ho, ho, ho! -You just took my beer away?

-That's right, Joseph Robert.

-I don't think that beer is worth much.

-See you later, Joe Bob and Darcy!

-Alright. -Ho, ho, ho, ho!

-Oh, man. Is he gone?

I'm gonna push a chair up against the mantelpiece.

-No. He likes coming in that way.

-Okay, well, it slows down the show.

-It's Christmas. Don't be so impatient.

-Okay. Have I talked enough about the brain-movie genre?

-Oh, my God, yes. -Alright.

Have I spelled out the four brain subgenres, though?

-Yes, you have. No, I haven't.

-Yes, you have. Oh, my God.

-There are basically four kinds of brain movies.

There's the "I'm in love with the damaged brain" genre.

There's the "whoops, didn't mean to piss off the brain" genre.

There's the "they saved Hitler's brain" genre.

And then, of course, there's the "brains from outer space" genre.

-Thank you. That's fascinating.

-Alright. Well, we've already had two of the all-time best

disembodied-brain love stories on "The Last Drive-In."

We had "Tammy and the T-Rex."

You know, "Sure, his brain is in a dinosaur body,

but I still love him."

-Aww. It's Paul Walker.

-And then we had "Frankenhooker."

-Yeah!

-"Before I put her back together,

I think I'll find a few extra parts to make her hotter."

-Yes. Love them both.

-And then we also had the

"whoops, I didn't mean to piss off the brain" genre

with "Re-Animator." -Yes.

-You know, where the head of Dr. Carl Hill

is kept alive in a tray full of oxygenated saline solution.

But the classic in the genre -- You know what I'm going to say.

You know what the classic is.

-"Fiend Without a Face." -Yes!

-Yeah. I mean, I've seen your show.

-Alright. You know, you know too much, Darcy.

Best pissed-off brain in movie history.

The last 15 minutes of "Fiend Without a Face"

is some of the goriest footage ever produced anywhere.

But most of the movies are in the

"they saved Hitler's brain" genre,

like, um, "The Brain That Wouldn't Die,"

which should not be confused with

"The Thing That Couldn't Die."

"The Thing That Couldn't Die" attempts to combine

the wild-youth teen genre with the sword and sorcery genre.

Teenagers dig up Vincent Price's head from the 15th century,

and they bring it back to life, and so...

-Actually, it's not Vincent Price's head.

It's just, like, a Vincent Price lookalike.

-I think you're right. I think it is a Vincent Price lookalike.

Because they couldn't afford Vincent Price.

-Right. I know all of Vincent's movies.

-Alright. I haven't talked about brain-transplant movies.

There are dozens of brain-transplant movies.

-I am sure that there are.

-Also brain-eating movies.

Remember when Ray Liotta eats his own brain?

-Yeah. In "Hannibal," of course.

-Alright. Okay. Back to the movie.

-Yay!

-You know who really does believe in brainwaves, though?

Like, in real life?

No lesser expert on the manipulation of minds

than Mark Zuckerberg. -Ah.

-I've got this. Where did I --

Oh. I have it. I have it.

I have this quote from Mark Zuckerberg.

-Cool.

-He says, "One day I believe we'll be able to send

full rich thoughts to each other directly using technology.

You'll just be able to think of something,

and your friends will immediately be able

to experience it, too, if you'd like.

This would be the ultimate communication technology."

You know...

Mark needs to watch a few brainwave movies,

I think, because, you know, Mark,

when they tape those sensors to your head,

it's not because they're about to send you

a virtual-reality stripper, if you know what I mean.

And I think you do.

[Laughter]

[Static]

[Static]

-[Growling]

[Siren wails]

-Get down!

-Help me. -Give me your hand.

The school's not far. We'll be okay now.

♪♪

♪♪

-We're not gonna be able to get in.

-Would you not worry about it, please?

-What's that?

-Last year's metal-shop project.

-[Sighs]

Come on.

Let's get these off. Okay?

-I'll find something in the metal shop.

There's -- There's got to be something in there.

-Jim, I want to call my dad. I mean, He must be worried.

-I don't think that's such a good idea.

-Why? He could help us. People would listen to him.

-He's one of them!

-What do you mean, "one of them"?

-Didn't you tell me he watches "Independent Thinking"

every week?

That he really likes Dr. Blake?

Well?

-You can't just say that. I mean, you don't know that!

-If you call him, he's gonna have the police

down here after you,

and then they're gonna find me.

Look. Just wait here, okay? I'll be right back.

-Where are you going? -Metal shop.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Line ringing]

-Hello? -Hi. Dad?

-Janet! Where are you?!

-Daddy, I need your help. -Where are you?

You've got yourself mixed up with a very dangerous kid.

Majelewski's a psychopathic killer.

-You don't understand. Just...listen to me.

-Janet, please! Tell me where you are.

-I can't.

-Janet, I'm not asking you. I'm telling you!

Majelewski's a psycho! He's liable to kill you!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-These'll work.

♪♪

♪♪

Are you alright?

♪♪

♪♪

-It's okay. I didn't tell him where we are.

-I understand. You had to call.

♪♪

-I wonder how many other people this has happened to.

There have to be some sane people left, right?

-Yeah. I guess.

Let's sit down.

We got to get back to PRI and stop Blake somehow.

-How? -I don't know.

But I don't think his hypnosis thing is permanent.

If we kill the brain, everything should go back to normal.

What was that for?

-I don't want to wait anymore.

-You sure?

-Yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Hissing]

[Growling]

[Growling]

-[Gasps]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Don't take any chances.

They're guilty.

Shoot to kill.

-James Majelewski has trouble dealing with reality,

but we here at the Psychological Research Institute

can still help him.

Please, James, if you hear my voice,

please turn yourself in before you kill again.

-Alright. You can't even watch that for a minute.

It'll hypnotize you.

-Murderer.

You're a murderer.

-Very funny. Don't even joke about it.

-It's the truth, isn't it? What he said on TV.

-Janet, stop it. -Stay away from me!

-Janet.

[Alarm ringing]

-What are you doing?! -Stay away from me!

-This is me! You know the truth.

-Stay away from me!

-Will you come to your senses?

-Get away from me! Murderer!

You're a murderer!

-You know the truth. -No. I just saw the truth!

-Janet, you're not supposed to watch that.

This is me. -Stay away from me!

-Janet! Murderer! Get away from me!

[Gunshot]

-No!

[Alarm ringing]

-There he is!

-Freeze!

[Gunshot]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Ringing continues]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Engine sputters]

[Engine starts]

[Gunshot]

♪♪

[Tires squeal]

♪♪

[Engine starts]

[Siren wails]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Uniform. In pursuit of Majelewski.

Heading out of town on Ray Street.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Majelewski's turned south on Side Road number 9.

Any units south, move to intercept.

♪♪

-Unit two, turning on to Side Road 9

heading north to intercept.

♪♪

♪♪

[Horn blares]

♪♪

♪♪

-Majelewski's headed west on Quarry Road.

He's headed for a dead and.

-[Laughs]

♪♪

♪♪

[Engine revs]

[Vehicle departs]

[Siren approaching]

♪♪

♪♪

[Radio chatter]

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

-In a lot of ways, this movie is just one long chase scene.

And good for you, Ed Hunt, 'cause that's not easy to do.

We are still collecting money

for the Paralyzed Veterans of America,

and you're going to need the T-shirt,

the beanie, and the cooler.

Just 250 bucks to help out some of our fighting men

who got hosed in battle.

And while we're on the subject,

be patient when you're dealing every day

with people in wheelchairs and people using walkers

and people that need extra time to get on the plane

because you have no idea how many heroes

you have the privilege to be traveling with.

[Twinkle!]

-Ho, ho, ho! -Ah!

-John, do you know you can just walk over here?

You don't need to do that.

-Ho, ho, ho! -And stop doing that.

-"Ho, ho, ho" is not laughing. That is not laughter.

That is what you write on a child's greeting card.

So... -Ho, ho, holy moly!

I have two more items for the auction.

-Alright.

-One's a thing, and one's an event, an experience.

-Okay. -So let's start with the thing.

It's too big for Santa's sack.

So, my elves, can you bring out the thing?

-The thing. -The thing.

Oh, the thing! Yeah!

-Ohh! -Oh, not that thing.

-That's the Last Standee.

-Oh, yeah.

-Who's that stud muffin?

-Well, well, you know, when I worked at The Movie Channel...

-Look at that pose, man,

-When I worked at The Movie Channel,

they, like, created these to try to become the --

try to move up.

We were the fourth premium channel

after HBO, Showtime, and Cinemax.

And so they made these. -Showing off the goods.

-And we went to five.

Yeah, we went to the fifth one because of these.

Anyway... -[Laughs]

-Well, anyway, it's going to the auctioned off

to the Mutants. Alright!

Now, the next thing is an experience.

-Oh, yeah. Okay.

-Now, this is a very special experience.

-Not that word.

-You get -- You get to go to a movie with Darcy and Joe Bob!

-Really? -In person!

-Yay! -Really? Where is this?

-Anywhere they want! You'll go to them!

-Oh. Okay.

-And then you'll take them to a movie.

-Okay. -And it'll be a beautiful time

for whoever bids on this experience!

-Okay. -Santa, you're the best.

-Yeah. We're going to go to the movies.

-You're the best. -Aw, Santa.

-You're just okay. -Thank you.

-We're going! We're going! But it's for charity.

-Okay, and all these are up on the website, right?

So people can bid on them between now and Christmas?

-That's right! Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas! Merry...Merry...

-[Laughs] Santa!

[Cheers and applause]

-So, it was funny the first four times that he did it.

-It's still funny.

-Cover that thing up, please.

Okay, before we go to the incredible conclusion

of "The Brain" -- and I mean literally incredible --

I remembered one more thing

I need to say about brain-movie history.

-Oh, of course you did.

-And when I say there are a hundred brain movies

and I give the rules for how they work and the subgenres,

I'm talking strictly about "Drive-In" exploitation rules.

If you see "Brain Damage" on the Hallmark Channel

or Lifetime, that is an entirely different beast.

There are two types of tearjerker brain movies

that they make for weepy housewives.

One is the genre I'll call "Brain Damage Rocks!"

And this is movies like

"The Theory of Everything" and "Regarding Henry"

and "Away From Her," the Alzheimer's movie.

And here's the storyline.

Trauma to the brain, followed by negative diagnosis,

followed by heroic health-care worker

and/or family member who says, "Fuck that negative diagnosis!"

Followed by tiny progress, followed by a breakthrough,

followed by a new way of looking at life.

And the moral of all these movies is,

"I'm a better person

now that brain damage has entered my life."

And then the other genre I'm going to call it

"I'm in love with a funky brain."

Like "The Vow."

Woman gets amnesia, forgets who her husband is.

But that's a good thing because now she gets to fall in love

with him all over again.

Um, "50 First Dates."

Her brain is damaged, so she can't remember Adam Sandler,

but now every meeting is a first date with Adam Sandler.

-Yay!

-"Regarding Henry."

Ruthless cold people become warm and kind

once they get brain disease.

And the original one of that type, by the way,

is "Dark Victory," starring Bette Davis

as a self-centered party girl who gets a brain tumor.

And then before she dies, she learns self-sacrifice,

redeeming her selfish life.

But, see, I'm not really counting

any of these Hallmark type movies as actual brain movies

because they don't show the brain!

You have to expose that baby to qualify for this show.

Alright, time for the ultimate confrontation

between Jimmy

and the brain that's trying to kill him

in "The Brain."

Roll it.

-Yeah.

-Did you ever see the movie "Re-Animated"?

-I think so. -Not "Re-Animator."

"Re-Animated." It's a children's movie.

In fact, it's the only

brain-transplant movie made for kids.

Kid has a terrible accident on an amusement-park ride,

but he gets a new brain

that allows him to see cartoon characters in real life!

So I guess they tell little Timmy,

"You know that permanent brain injury on the Tilt-A-Whirl?

That made your life so much more fun!"

[Laughter]

-Jesus.

-It'd be cool, though.

[Laughter]

[Static]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Growling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct conversation]

-I heard that story before I don't know...

[Speaking indistinctly]

Hey, that dude looks like the psycho on the news,

the one that got killed. -Yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Growling]

-In a few minutes, 10, 20 million people

are going to see our show,

and then you can transmit your brainwaves into them directly.

Are you sure?

He won't succeed!

♪♪

♪♪

-Get him. -Right.

And this time, don't fail.

♪♪

-[Growling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screeching]

[Man screaming]

♪♪

-Vivian.

-This is your hallucination, Jim.

You have a dirty mind.

-Yeah?

-Don't continue to resist.

The Brain will destroy you.

Surrender. Join the wave of the future.

-Is this another one of Blake's tricks?

-No, Jim.

You're the kind of person Dr. Blake really needs.

-No.

-Jim, what if I told you that Dr. Blake wasn't human?

But he knows what's good for us.

He's here to help you.

-Like he helped Willie?

-You can't possibly win.

You can't even control your own mind.

-Watch me.

♪♪

-[Growling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

-Jim?

Is that you?

-Ma, you to help me.

-I thought you might be dead.

-No, I'm alright.

-It's my son -- the murderer.

-[Growls]

-Ma, what are you doing?

-My son -- the psycho.

-Mom!

[All murmuring]

-He's a murderer!

-Mom, I didn't kill anybody.

-Get him!

-[Growling]

-Get him!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Jim! Jim?!

Jim, get me out of here! Jim!

-[Grunting]

-Jim, get me out of here!

Get me out of here!

♪♪

Get me out of here, please! Oh!

-[Grunts]

-Hurry up!

It's coming back! Hurry!

It needs people! I'm next!

[Thumping]

Jim! Hurry up! Please!

-[Growling]

[Thumping in distance]

-Jim!

-[Grunts]

-[Growling]

♪♪

[Growling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Applause]

Now, all across America, nationwide audience,

its "Independent Thinking," with Dr. Anthony Beryl Blake,

director of Psychological Research Institute.

[Applause]

-Thank you. Thank you.

A wonderful audience.

So enthusiastic.

♪♪

We all deserve to celebrate tonight...

for tonight is our first broadcast nationwide,

and we are already in negotiations

to go worldwide via satellite.

[Applause]

♪♪

[Applause]

You deserve the applause.

You good people of Meadowvale

who have supported our program so loyally.

You are all independent thinkers.

Hm?

Every one of you.

♪♪

-[Growling]

♪♪

-But before we continue with tonight's festivities,

there is something I must talk about

for just a few moments.

The sad tragedy of James Majelewski,

something that has struck the hearts of all of us

here in Meadowvale.

He has killed several people,

and he is here in this building.

♪♪

My belief is that he came here for help.

And we at the Psychological Research Institute can help him.

[Door opens]

[Chuckles]

Jim. You have come for help.

[Crowd gasps]

-[Growling]

-Look at this thing!

It wasn't even human!

Dr. Blake was trying to take over

by controlling your minds through television!

He's the one who was responsible for all those murders!

I never killed anyone. I'm just a high-school student.

He tried to use me.

Just like he tried to use all of you.

Everyone, please -- look at the TV monitor

because you know that's the truth.

Please. Look at the TV monitor.

He tried to use me

just like he tried to use all of you.

The truth is that it was him, not me!

♪♪

♪♪

Dr. Blake committed all those murders, not Jim Majelewski.

♪♪

-Aah!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Clanging in distance]

-Oh, I love you. I was so scared.

-I love you, too. Oh, my God. Let's get out of here.

♪♪

♪♪

Let's get outta here. Come on.

-[Growling]

-[Screaming]

Aah!

-[Growling] -[Man screams]

[Screaming]

-[Growling]

[Screaming stops]

-[Growling]

-[Screaming]

[Screaming]

-[Growling]

-Jim! Help!

Jim!

Oh, God! Jim! Help, Jim!

Help! Aah! Jim!

-[Growling]

-[Screaming]

[Screaming]

-Get out!

-[Growling fades]

♪♪

-Looks like Princeton wants you, too, Jim.

-Really?

Wow.

Well, they're just gonna have to wait in line

like the rest of 'em.

-Too bad Mr. Woods can't see this.

-Yeah, it is too bad. -Hm.

[Horn honks]

-There's Janet.

-Oh. Can you take these boxes out, Jim?

-Sure.

Okay. I'll be home late. Don't wait up.

-Okay. Bye. -Bye, Jim.

♪♪

-Hi. -Hi.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Explosion]

[Growling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Okay!

How about that warning in the end credits

to never mix water and sodium in your everyday life?

That is intended only for giant-brain exploding.

And that final brain may be the most elaborate br--

Actually, that's the second-most elaborate brain

ever committed to film.

The most elaborate was the brain in "Head of the Family."

But that doesn't totally count because it's not just a brain.

It includes the rest of the head.

The brain in the brain grows its own eyes

and tentacles and a whole face.

Plus, by the third act, that's a parade-float brain.

That thing -- You know, that's the special-effects work

of Greg Williams, by the way.

He also worked on "Aliens" and "The Fly,"

but sadly he died at the age of 38 --

probably from exposure to brainwaves.

Anyway, there's so much running in this movie

that you get an actual cardio benefit from watching the movie.

Every time George Buza rounds a corner,

you half-expect him to keel over from sheer exhaustion.

But apparently it was not a happy set

because David Gale, who plays the evil doctor

who turns out to be an android extension of the brain itself,

said "The Brain" was, "One of the worst experiences

I have ever had." -Aww.

-And this was just three years

before David Gale died at the age of 54.

He had come to film very late in his life

after an extensive stage career,

and he collapsed on stage during a play

at the Westwood Playhouse in LA,

and he was DOA at the hospital.

The building they used for the Psychiatric Research Institute.

That was actually the Xerox Research Center

in suburban Toronto.

And the circular staircases and hallways

that they're always running through --

that was the Ontario Science Centre.

And once they saw the movie, the Ontario Science Centre

never again allowed a movie to be filmed there.

The music, which I thought was pretty good,

was composed and performed by Paul Zaza,

the bass player for The 5th Dimension.

Remember The 5th Dimension? "Up, Up and Away"?

Remember that song?

Paul Zaza ended up doing all the music

for all of Bob Clark's movies.

Like, he did "Black Christmas," "A Christmas Story,"

"Murder by Decree."

"Porky's." -Whoo!

-And, in fact, if you made a tax-shelter movie in Canada

any time in the '70s, '80s, and '90s,

Paul Zaza probably did your music.

"Prom Night." "My Bloody Valentine."

-Wow. -"Ghostkeeper."

And you may have noticed that "The Brain" takes place

at Christmas time.

-Christmas movie!

-That's why we're using it as a Christmas movie.

And one of the rules for making a Canadian tax-break movie

is that you have to be finished with production

by December 31st,

otherwise you don't get your government money

for another year.

And so they were right down to the wire on this one.

They had started shooting in late November,

and they still had a lot to go on December 29th.

And so they set -- [Chuckles]

They set the world record for a union film.

The last day of filming was a 55-hour work day.

Never attempted before that.

Never allowed by any unions since then.

[Twinkle!]

-Ho! -Ohh!

-Ah, Santa! -Ho! Ho!

-Okay, Santa. What?!

-Hey, everybody, have you heard the news?

Santa's back in town! -Yay!

-Ho ho ho!

And I have some more beautiful Christmas auction items!

-I bet you do. [Laughter]

-Well, the first one is

too big for Santa's sack once again.

Can I get my elf to bring this one out?

Ooh! Look at this beautiful cooler!

-Another cooler? -Okay. So, cooler.

-But this one was used on set

by one Joseph Robert Briggs. -[Laughs]

-And guess what. Inside are some amazing vinyl records!

-Really? Huh. Oh!

"C.H.U.D. II" -- This is my record.

"C.H.U.D. II: Bud the C.H.U.D."

-"C.H.U.D. II" -- hell yeah.

-"Demon Wind." -What?!

-The "Demon Wind," like, LP.

Well -- "Things"? -"Things." Oh, Lord.

-You got the -- You took my soundtrack from "Things"?!

-We've got Joe Bob in a tailspin!

-We're gonna send people money. -You know -- Oh.

-"Waxwork." Yeah. Okay. You can have that one.

I mean... [Laughter]

"Basket Case"?!

-These are sweet, actually.

-The original "Basket Case" one, The "Brain Damage" one.

-Oh, I have that one.

-You been to Frank Henenlotter's, you know...

I just like -- What is this?

"Two Thousand Maniacs"?!

You're taking Herschell Gordon Lewis movies?!

-Herschell Gordon Lewis! -Herschell Gordon Lewis!

-"Elves."

-"Elves." It's apropos for the...

-"Spookies"?! Are you kidding?! You have my "Spookies" LP?!

-It's a very... -It's a very confusing movie.

-You know, why didn't you just get 10 more, John?!

-Because we were all out of stock!

-Okay. -Now the next item.

Miss Mail Girl... -You're giving away our secrets!

-Would it be okay... -What? Yes.

-...if we used your mail bag and gave that away for charity?

-Oh, my God. Of course.

-Oh, she's a saint, ladies and gentlemen.

A saint! Darcy the Mail Girl is a saint!

-We'll get a new one. It's fine.

-So you could get this beautiful mail bag!

-Yay! -So bid on it.

Look. It says "The Last Drive-In" and everything.

What a generous person.

Anyway, I'll see you guys later.

And, uh, merry Christmas, a happy New Year.

[to tune of "Jingle Bells] ♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho-ho ♪

-[Vocalizes] -Can you believe this guy?

Alright.

What do you think of "The Brain"?

-[Laughs] Well, funny you ask.

I love it.

It's so fun, and the brain design is super cute.

-You know, they only had one chance

to get that exploding brain shot?

Because they only built three brains,

and that was the only giant brain.

So that was a one-shot thing.

-Well, they achieved ultimate brain destruction.

-Indeed they did. Okay. Are we doing mail?

You got any -- You got any Christmasy mail?

-Oh. -He took your --

-No, he left it. Thank you, Santa.

I'll give it to you later.

-Alright. -Here you go.

It's a very sweet letter from Kyla Hodges of Idalou, Texas.

-Idalou, Texas. Oh, wow. Idalou is not very big.

Go, Wildcats!

I know my Texas Panhandle.

Because my dad was the girls' basketball coach

at Spring Lake High School,

and the Lady Wolverines would play the Idalou Lady Cats.

-Aw. My dad was a high-school coach, too.

-So this is cool.

"Joe Bob, how the hell are you?

I hope you and Darcy are doing great.

First, I would like to say thank you.

Thank you for hosting 'The Last Drive-In,'

for providing a weekly escape from the humdrum of daily life,

even if only for a Friday night.

Like many, if not most of your fans,

I have been faithfully watching since "MonsterVision."

Wow. What a dish you were.

[Laughter]

And still very much are."

Good recovery. -Aw. You saved it.

-Good recovery, Kyla. Okay.

"Initially, I watched the show

so I could get my dose of eye candy,

but then I realized..."

-Relatable.

-"But then realized I actually had

a love and appreciation for horror movies.

I was raised by a single mom

and was often left to my own devices while mom worked.

We made do as best we could

but never had a fridge full of food

or a closet with more than a week's worth of school clothes.

I never complained until Mom started dating some loser

who trashed your show." -That loser!

-"That being said, my disgust for this person

would spark my own Drive-In Totals --

remote to the head,

poisoned beer fu,

pepper spray in his underwear fu,

heads roll, et cetera.

Fuck that guy!"

[Laughs]

-Merry Christmas! -This letter.

-"Thankfully, it didn't last.

Perhaps pepper spray in the underwear

will keep a lasting impression. Ha!"

Kyla... [Laughter]

I think you're saying

that you physically assaulted this guy repeatedly

because he didn't like "MonsterVision."

I love you. Alright.

-Aww!

[Laughter] -Yeah!

-"Since 'The Last Drive-In' streams on Shudder,

my husband and I catch every Friday night lineup

where we spend our Fridays with you and Darcy.

We sometimes play a drinking game

to name all of the movies we've ever seen you in.

He and I especially love the all-night marathons,

like at Christmas and Thanksgiving.

I know you have better, more important things to do

than read this letter."

-Eh. -No. I don't.

"I want you to know

that you're loved and appreciated in this house.

We call it H3 for Hodges' House of Horror.

We're really hoping that Shudder will procure

'Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare,' and you'll host it on the show.

Hopefully, you'll find your way to our neck of the woods.

We have a three-screen drive-in, as well as an Alamo Drafthouse."

She's talking about the Stars & Stripes Drive-In

in Lubbock because they do not have

a drive-in in Idalou proper.

"The Mutants here would love to have you

and show you and Darcy some good West Texas hospitality.

Keep on truckin', and we look forward to seeing you again

after this season break.

The Drive-In will never die. Kyla Hodges, Idalou, Texas.

P.S. -- I'm traveling to Ireland,

where Halloween was born.

If I can bring you something, I will.

Just let me know." -Aww.

-Damn, I remember when this --

I remember now when this letter came in.

If I'd thought of it at the time,

we could have had Kyla bring us some official

Samhain trinkets.

-Aww. Don't call them trinkets.

[Laughter]

-Well, you know, ceremonial Irish Halloween

tokens or something.

I mean, we got to do

Irish Halloween one of these years.

-Yes! -We gotta go full-bore Celtic.

Is it Celtic or Gaelic?

I never know what -- One of those.

Like that guy in "Halloween III."

-Yes. Let's do this. For real.

-Alright. Where was he from? The guy in "Halloween III"?

-In real life? -Yeah.

-The Isle of Man,

which is like halfway between Ireland and Scotland.

-Okay. Isle of Man. So both.

You got your Celtic, you got your Gaelic, you got your druid.

You know, so let's do Halloween on the Isle of Man.

-Yeah! I am so there!

But I can't believe that you would just do it

because of "Halloween III."

-Well, no, I'm not doing it because of "Halloween III."

I'm just doing it because Samhain blood rituals

were performed wherever that guy is from.

But they talk about where those exploding mask makers

come from in "Halloween III,"

and it's one of those Gaelic, Celtic, druid places.

Anyway -- -Of course.

-Thank you, Kyla.

You know, I've got to get back to my roots in West Texas.

Loneliest place on the planet, West Texas,

therefore friendliest place on the planet.

And you know what? That's it for our first movie.

I'm gonna brick in this fireplace,

and then we will be back with

"The Gingerdead Man"...

starring Gary Busey. -Yay!

-And in the meantime, I'm Joe Bob Briggs,

for Darcy the Mail Girl,

reminding everybody to drink responsibly...

which means, of course, don't spill anything.

-Ha!

And the Drive-In will never die.

Alright. What have I got --

What have I got from Ireland? We're talking about Ireland.

Um, a priest, a minister, and a rabbit

walk into a pub in Dublin.

And the bartender says to the rabbit, "What'll you have?"

And the rabbit says, "I don't know.

I'm only here because of autocorrect."

[Laughter]

-That's cute. It's cute.

-No? No? I thought that was...

-It's not "ha ha." It's cute.

-Okay. Alright. Try this one.

I purchase a pint at a pub in Dublin,

and I sit at the table in the corner,

and there's an old man sitting there.

And so I introduce myself, and the guy says,

"Good evening. My name is Paddy."

And I say, "Paddy who?"

And he says, "Well, you see that bar over there?

I built that bar 30 years ago,

and it's the most beautiful bar in Dublin.

But do they call me Paddy the Bar Builder?

No, they do not."

And I say, "So what do they call you?"

And the guy says, "See those wooden panels on the wall?

I made those 20 years ago,

and they're made of the finest Irish oak,

and they have been featured in many magazines.

But do they call me Paddy the Panel Maker?

No, they do not."

And so I say, "Well, that's very interesting,

but what name do you go by?"

And he says, "You see those tables and chairs?

I made those 10 years ago,

and they're the strongest tables and chairs in the whole world.

But do they call me Paddy the Furniture Maker?

No, they do not.

But you fuck one goat..."

[Scattered laughter]

[Laughter]