Original subtitles

[Static crackles]

-I'm Jim Briggs, and we are back with the second half of

"Joe Bob's Ghoultide Get Together."

-And, Darcy, that may be my --

Krampus Darcy, that may be my favorite look

that you've ever had.

You know, you should keep that tongue at all times.

Like, I put this on for you.

I put this on for you because you always say

I got to put the Santa thing.

All right. -I love it.

-All right. Are you feeling ghoulie yet?

-I'm ghoulie all over, baby. -All right.

Well, we need to get unruly with our ghoulies

because we need to be more festive.

Don't you think? -Yes.

-We got to crank this up.

I mean, Advent calendars are cool and everything,

but that's kind of like stamp collecting, you know?

It's not that sexy.

-Uh, stamp collectors are very sexy.

-Really? Okay, you have a stamp collector fetish now?

-You can be passionate about anything,

and that is sexy.

-Okay, Darcy the Mail Girl, ladies and gentlemen!

If you collect stamps, especially if you collect

international first day covers from Botswana or something

exotic like that, send your phone number.

And in the meantime, send her your e-mails,

your tweets, your instas, your TikToks.

I notice you've become a TikTok person lately.

-I mean, TikTok is still happening,

but you have to be really careful.

-Careful how? Like, you know, no nipples?

-Oh, my God, they're even more strict than that.

They will shut you down for seven days

just for posting a picture of a bong.

-Wow, that's especially tough on people

who are in movies with "Bong" in the title.

-Heck, yeah, it is.

-You're in how many "Evil Bong" movies?

-I mean, just three.

-Only three! Okay. -With more to come.

-Alright, people are so judgmental.

You know how we talk about, you know,

body shaming and bullying

and judging one another's intelligence

and nasty political comments because we have

the nastiest politics of any country in the world.

But people get shamed just for liking something,

You know? You're a fan of that movie?

Well, then I can't know you anymore.

-Yeah, I know. It's terrible.

But never on any of our platforms.

-Never?

You mean you won't let people have opinions like that?

-It might happen once or twice,

But after that, I will be dealing with it.

-The Enforcer. Okay. Good for you.

Because I meet a lot of people because we do so many

live events, and they frequently tell me about their enthusiasms,

and they're telling me because, you know,

I guess they know that I won't judge their enthusiasm.

But I'm going to give you an example

of what I'm talking about.

You know that guy Caeleb Dressel?

He won five gold medals at the Tokyo Olympics.

And after he won the last gold medal, I was

watching his post swim interview, and the reporter

was asking him how he was going to celebrate.

And he said something to the effect of,

"I think I'm going to reward myself

with that new Star Wars edition Lego set.

-Nice. -And I admit, I was one of

the people who thought,

"You just won five gold medals at the Olympics,

and that's what's on your mind?

I mean, shouldn't you say something about America?"

You know?

The Russian dudes are talking about the motherland, you know?

Plus, at the time, I didn't even know that people continue to

play with Legos after the age of 12, you know?

But later, I realized there's something really

great about that comment.

We live in a country where it's possible to obsess over

Lego blocks even when you're 26 years old.

That means -- A -- we're at peace.

B -- we have leisure time.

And C -- we have disposable income.

We are a successful country with a high standard of living,

unlike most of the countries in the world.

So whenever I hear somebody say,

"Oh, they're so shallow," because why?

Because they go to Botox parties?

Because they watch all the Kardashian reality shows?

Because they stand in line to get Bruce Campbell's autograph?

Because they get obsessed with online games

and they start buying clues, you know, and buying

weapons that don't exist?

Or because they buy thousand dollar Air Jordans?

Or because they spend all their time gossiping on the phone?

Or because they're groupies who follow a band from town to town?

Or because they own all 19 versions of "Call of Duty"?

You know?

All of those pursuits indicate a country

that is not worried about anything.

You know, we're thriving.

Nobody's playing "Call of Duty" in Ukraine.

They're all answering the actual call of duty!

So you know what I'm talking about, Darcy?

-Absolutely.

-You know, that a guy goes on seven vacations a year.

How shallow can that be?

Well, yeah, it's what he wants to spend his money on.

He has a tourism fetish.

You know, we have all these fetishes because we're free.

Even horror, you know,

to bring things back to the reason that we're here.

-That would be a really good idea.

-In countries that are truly horrific,

you have no horror films.

We have horror films because we deal

with it in our heads instead of in our bodies.

I'm not saying horrible things don't happen

in our culture, but we don't live with

the daily fear of death.

You know, how can that person be so tan?

She must have nothing to do.

Or maybe she's tanning because makes her feel good.

So anyway, my point is, we can collect stamps

and we can buy a $7 double shot macchiatos with our name

written in foam on the surface.

And we can go to quilting competitions,

and we can buy $6,000 Akita dogs.

Because because we live in a culture

that lets us run loose and be ourselves, right?

-Right.

-Okay, so don't judge people for what they do

or what they want, you know?

And when Caeleb Dressel said that,

I had no idea the Star Wars Lego set costs 2,000 bucks,

the special one. Did you know that?

-I know that can be really expensive.

-All right. Well, we have much to do.

Our second movie tonight is "A Christmas Horror Story",

and it's pretty much the opposite

of "Don't Open till Christmas" in every possible way.

A very well-made movie that has never quite

broken through as the holiday classic

that people thought it would be when it first came out.

We'll talk about that in a minute.

Meanwhile, we're still holding our annual

Christmas charity auction.

We have 10 items up so far.

Bids are coming in.

You can continue to bid on these items until Christmas Eve.

So the people watching this on streaming still have

time to go to the website, get in on it.

We'll have 10 more items as the night goes on.

And you can also get involved by purchasing

one of these Fright Rags items like

the Ghoultide T-shirt the Ghoultide hoodie,

and the Ghoultide pint glasses.

And 100% of that money from the auction

and from the premiums goes straight to the charities.

Speaking of which, our third charity and the charity

for this portion of "Joe Bob's Ghoultide Get Together"

is the Thoroughbred Aftercare Alliance.

What they do is they accredit and give money

to dozens of organizations that take care of racehorses

after the racehorses can't race anymore.

They rehab them. They get them adopted.

They send them to a sanctuary

where they can live out their lives.

In some cases, they pay for the surgery

they need to save their lives, you know?

People who never worked with thoroughbred horses

don't understand how delicate they can be.

You breed an animal for speed for a thousand years,

their legs can just go.

So as we saw with Eight Belles,

when she finished second in the Kentucky Derby

and then immediately broke down,

had to be euthanized on the track.

So, Darcy. [Chuckles]

Should I tell that swap story? You've heard me tell it twice.

-You definitely should, but it is not very Christmasy.

-Okay. You're right.

Anyway, I worked up close and personal with thoroughbreds

when I was in college, and a lot of these retired horses,

they have a hard time.

And there are a whole lot of them.

And so the Thoroughbred Aftercare Alliance

makes sure they have a safety net.

Normally, I only tell that swap story in Louisville

or Lexington because they understand the racing business

and they don't get grossed out by it.

-You should sell it, but not tonight.

-I'm dying to tell it.

-All right. -You should tell it.

-I'll tell it on Valentine's Day because

because it's about sex.

-Horse breeding is not sex.

-Okay. You're right. Okay.

Alright, we won't do it on Valentine's Day.

I'll find a place to do it.

Let's not even go there.

Let's do the Advent calendar because we're not getting

very far on these boxes.

What number are we on?

We're not, like, even half way.

-13. -Lucky 13. Go for it.

-Ooh. Mistletoe.

-Oh, okay. Well, you have to use it.

-Oh, Yuki. Come on over here.

Aw! Mwah.

Thank you for doing such an amazing job

with the Advent calendar.

-Yeah, Yuki, yeah.

The wet nap was genius.

Thank you.

-Must be cheap. Cheap items.

-Okay. Here goes.

-Ta-da!

-Oh, great. -[Laughs]

-Special edition Chili Bandit Chili

Nice job, Yuki. -Awesome.

-What did you do, walk all the way over to the storage box

for the props we used in the Chili Bandit sketch?

Nice job. Let's --

You know, let's not do this next year.

-You are losing your Christmas spirit.

-All right, you know, you keep talking about

my Christmas spirit.

Why isn't there a little bottle of scotch

in one of those boxes?

-Must be cheap items.

-Right. Okay.

It could be Japanese Scotch.

-Must be cheap items.

-Okay, our next movie is "A Christmas Horror Story",

which is kind of a misnomer Because it's four

Christmas horror stories.

It's an anthology film disguised as

a non-anthology film.

So how did they do that?

By telling all four stories at the same time.

-Cool.

-You might think you're watching five stories,

but you're only watching four stories.

And that's something you discover

at the end of the movie.

Anyway, whereas our first movie tonight was messy,

disconnected, sleazy, patched together,

this one is almost ridiculously professional.

I would normally call a horror movie

from Toronto "Canuck-sploitation."

That's what they call them.

But this movie came out in 2015.

It's the brain child of Steven Hoban,

who was the producer of "Ginger Snaps",

the great werewolf flick from the year 2000.

He's the same guy who remade "Black Christmas."

The one in 2006.

And the writing staff is from that "Twilight Zone"

type series called "Dark Net" that was on Netflix.

So I would say this is the generation

after Canuck-sploitation.

It's not a tax shelter movie.

This is a movie that is made

with Canadian government approval.

And when that happens,

I actually think you lose a little of the sleaze factor.

You lose a lot of the sleaze factor, in fact.

They're going for kind of a "Creepshow" type thing here.

The four stories are all connected, but just barely.

And they all take place in the rural Ontario town

of Bailey Downs, which is the same fictional town

used in "Ginger Snaps" and in "Orphan Black",

if you know that show, the human cloning series

that was on BBC America, created by John Fawcett,

the director of "Ginger Snaps."

Anyway, great acting, great CGI, great cinematography,

great performances by William Shatner

and George Buza, and many others.

It starts and ends at the North Pole

with some kick ass action sequences.

But something about it never quite caught on

with the Christmas horror audience.

I'll talk about it as we go.

I don't want to spoil anything for first timers,

so let's get to the drive in totals and kick it off.

We have 21 dead bodies, two undead ghosts,

eight blood drooling zombie elves, one spectral skeleton,

one baseball bat demon child beat down, Christmas tree theft,

Krampus figurine destruction,

Krampus flambé, ghost seduction, face slashing,

toothy head removal, self-mutilation,

elf mutilation, self elf mutilation,

hand stabbing, head beating with a head,

elongated tongue stabbing with blood spurt,

faux epileptic floor twitching, pole through the throat,

staff through the brain, changeling abuse beatdown,

heads roll, hand rolls, arms roll,

Kung Fu, Santa fu, Krampus fu, ax Food, chain fu,

paper cutter fu, crucifix fu,

twist ending fu.

Drive-in Academy Award nominations for

William Shatner as Dangerous Dan,

the inebriated late night radio voice of Bailey Downs.

George Buza as the indestructible

zombie fighting Santa.

Adrian Holmes as the stressed out cop

dealing with family dysfunction and forest demons

who won't behave.

Michelle Nolden as the smartass mom

who'd rather be in St. Barts, for saying,

"Four hours in the car and the old bat doesn't even

offer me a drink."

Corinne Conley as the creepy family matriarch

with a dark secret who says,

"Take your family and leave now.

I feel one of my spells coming on."

Rob Archer as a monstrous Krampus.

Ken Hall as Shiny the Elf for saying,

"I said I don't want a goddamn cookie,

you reindeer fucking snow whore."

-And Steven Hoban, the producer and co-director,

for doing things the drive in way.

Four stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

All right.

So.

I have a question about Lego sets.

-Okay.

-When I was looking up the Star Wars set,

I found one for the Roman Colosseum, okay?

And it includes these pieces for the tops

of the outer walls that are jagged

because they've been destroyed by earthquakes or fires

or the sack of the Huns or whatever else happened

to the Colosseum during the past 2,000 years.

I'm thinking, "Okay, but why would you do that?"

If you if you're going to build the Colosseum,

you could build it like it looked in the year 80,

when they finished it, instead of the year

you know, 1350 or whatever after the earthquake.

Wouldn't that be more in keeping with the Lego spirit?

Isn't Lego all about architecture and construction

and not fire and destruction and vandalism?

I don't understand Lego.

-No, you do not at all.

-Well, don't even try to explain it to me.

-You're always curious about everything.

-I'm not curious about Lego.

Even though I love the Danes,

I love the Finns, as we were discussing in the first movie.

But I also love the Danes, who invented Legos.

You know, Legos are a big deal in Denmark.

They make all the Lego blocks in Jutland.

-Hmm. -Which is that part of Denmark

that juts out into the Baltic Sea?

You know, I thought they called it Jutland

because of J-U-T.

Thought they called it Jutland because it juts.

It juts out in the ocean.

But it's actually named after the Jutes.

Or maybe they're the "yutes". I don't.

And it's pronounced "yute land", though.

And anyway, the Jutes or the "yutes" invaded Britain

along with the Angles and the Saxons.

But the Angles and the Saxons got all the credit.

Like, we're Anglo-Saxon, right?

-Are you making a point about Legos?

-No, actually. -Okay.

-We could call ourselves Anglo-Jutes

or Jutes-Saxon, and we would be equally correct

because there were three, Angles, Saxons --

-That is fascinating.

-Not really, but my point is, Legos are made by

the Jutes or "yutes", who today would call themselves Danes.

And I love the Danes.

You know, they're not as somber as the Finns,

although I accept the Finns I accept their somberness.

I love them, too.

-Established. Yes.

-We haven't discussed the Swedes or the Norwegians yet.

-And we won't.

-Or the Icelanders. -Please stop.

-I think technically the Greenlanders

are also Scandinavian, so we could talk --

-What did I say? -Okay.

-Thank you.

[Laughter]

-Go to ghoultidegettogether.com to bid on these items

and more, all for charity.

[Static crackles]

-They all laughed.

They said it couldn't be done.

No man alive could make that many sick,

nasty dunks in one lifetime.

But you know what?

All it took were the three B's --

blood, believing in myself,

and Biedermeier.

-♪ Got to be Biedermeier ♪

♪ Dunking on a dingo, higher and higher ♪

♪ Got to be Biedermeier ♪

♪ Dunking on a dingo, higher and higher ♪

[Howling]

-It's got to be the Biedermeier.

♪♪

-Is there anything more beautiful than mutants in love?

Two twisted souls bound together by the magic of horror film,

every nightmare and adventure together.

Father Joseph Robert Briggs wants to make

that love last forever.

Exclusively as part of tonight's Christmas charity auction,

bid on your chance to be married by the man himself

in the wedding capital of the world, Las Vegas.

Your magical ceremony will be the center

of the upcoming Valentine's Day edition of "The Last Drive-In."

Say I do during a double feature about

love everlasting drive-in style.

Go to ghoultidegettogether.com for more details.

♪♪

[Static crackles]

-♪ It's Christmas Eve ♪

♪ All who believe ♪

♪ Santa is here ♪

♪ But once a year ♪

♪ All girls and boys ♪

♪ Dream of new toys ♪

♪ Soundly they sleep ♪

♪ Wishes to keep ♪

♪ Jing jing-a-ling ♪

♪ Come hear us sing ♪

♪ Wreaths on the door ♪

♪ Stockings and more ♪

♪ Magic is thrive ♪

♪ Spells come alive ♪

♪ Snow in the air ♪

♪ Laughter to share ♪

♪ Family and friends ♪

♪ Season to glens ♪

♪ Joyful and dear ♪

♪ End of the year ♪

♪ 'Tis a very fun and special Christmas ♪

♪ 'Tis a very fun and special Christmas ♪

♪ It's Christmas Eve ♪

♪ All who believe ♪

♪ Santa is here ♪

♪ But once a year ♪

♪ All girls and boys ♪

♪ Dream of new toys ♪

♪ Soundly they sleep ♪

♪ Wishes to keep ♪

♪ Jing jing-a-ling ♪

♪ Come hear us sing ♪

♪ Wreaths on the door ♪

♪ Stockings and more ♪

♪ Magic is thrive ♪

♪ Spells come alive ♪

♪ Snow in the air ♪

♪ Laughter to share ♪

♪ Dark winter skies ♪

♪ Spirits throughout ♪

♪ Changelings appear ♪

♪ Demons are here ♪

♪ It's Christmas Eve ♪

♪ All who believe ♪

♪ Santa is here ♪

♪ But once a year ♪

♪ All girls and boys ♪

♪ Dream of new toys ♪

♪ Soundly they sleep ♪

♪ Wishes to keep ♪

♪ Jing jing-a-ling ♪

♪ Come hear us sing ♪

♪ Wreaths on the door ♪

♪ Stockings and more ♪

♪ Magic is thrive ♪

♪ Spells come alive ♪

♪ Snow in the air ♪

♪ Laughter to share ♪

♪ Wreaths on the door ♪

♪ Stockings and more ♪

♪ Magic is thrive ♪

♪ Spells come alive ♪

[Choir chanting]

♪♪

♪ It's Christmas Eve ♪

♪ All who believe ♪

♪ Santa is here ♪

♪ But once a year ♪

♪ All girls and boys ♪

♪ Dream of new toys ♪

♪ Soundly they sleep ♪

[Wind whistling]

[Whooshing]

[Rattling]

-Easy there, Blitzen.

My old friend, Comet.

[Door rattling]

[Sighs]

It's time.

[Rattling]

[Reindeer snorting]

Who's there?!

[Reindeer snorting]

[Reindeer snorting]

Aah!

[Bells tolling]

-Merry Christmas, Bailey Downs!

It's Christmas Eve, the most wonderful time of the year.

And I'll tell you what, listeners.

"Dangerous Dan" is gonna tell you a secret.

I love Christmas!

There, I said it.

I don't care who knows it 'cause I love tinsel, I love Rudolph,

I love cranberries, I love baby Jesus!

Before he went all hippy with the sandals and long hair.

What?

No no, no, no no, Susan, I'm gonna

talk about Jesus on the radio.

And you know why?

Because it's his birthday tomorrow, am I right, folks?

And speaking of reminders,

it's almost time for the big charity food drive

at the mall this afternoon.

Our very own weatherman of action,

Stormin' Norman is gonna be down there helping out like

the true Christmas angel he is.

Norman, is there any truth to the rumor

that a very special guest is gonna

be making an appearance at the food drive?

Norman?

Hmm, oh, hey Norman,

he's writing me a little Christmas card.

This is exciting.

What's it gonna say?

Wow, Norman. Susan, did you see that?

You know who saw that?

Jesus saw that!

And his dad. He saw that.

All right folks, looks like...

Norman's hitting the trail,

so we'll just get this

Christmas party started without him!

Yes, sir!

We're gonna share the spirit.

We're gonna deck some halls!

I'm gonna get Susan under the mistletoe,

and you, my little elves, you're gonna listen to one of

my favorite songs.

So here's to the season!

Here's to you, Bailey Downs.

-♪ Favorite time of year is here ♪

-Let's get this Christmas party started right.

-♪ Fill my cup with Christmas cheer ♪

♪ Santa's come to town ♪

-Girlfriend's late.

-Impossible. We use protection.

-[Laughs]

Made the mistake of watching this alone last night,

but nobody can know I have this, okay?

-December 25th.

Time, 13:26 hours.

Constable Scott Peters

conducting a preliminary walkthrough.

-I used to babysit his son, Will.

-Handprints on the wall.

Make sure you get that.

A lot of blood in here.

[Sighs]

Victim was a male, Caucasian, late teens.

Possibly a student here.

-Oh, boy.

-Body showing signs of obvious staging,

suggesting a ritualistic killing.

Time and cause of death to be determined by autopsy.

Got some writing on the wall over here.

"For unto us a child is born.

Unto us a son is given."

-Look at that.

-Possible bible passage?

-I don't know.

-You hear that?

-Well, what do you hear?

Scott, what are you hearing?

-♪ Poor baby wakes ♪

♪ The little lord Jesus ♪

♪ No crying ♪

[Screeching]

-Oh!

Fuck! -Christ!

-Okay, why was that cop singing that song?

-No one knows.

He went on stress leave after this

and doesn't talk about it.

-Okay, and you still want to go down there just for some

stupid school assignment?

-Man up, Dylan.

We obviously can't use the police video,

so we have to get our own footage.

[Gasps]

-Hey, babies.

-[Laughs]

You're late, bitch.

-Sorry, dad pulled this family trip

out of his ass an hour ago.

Merry Christmas.

It'll get you through any door in the school.

-I love you so much right now.

-Wow, Caprice, I can't believe you actually got them.

-That's my honey.

Stickiest fingers in Bailey Downs.

[Horn honking]

-Got to go.

Don't get busted.

[Engine starts]

-Come on, we got a long drive.

-Christmas Eve, and you want to drive to see your old aunt,

who, as far as I know, doesn't even like you.

-She doesn't like anyone.

-Okay, fine, but you're dragging us along with you.

-You know what, and I expect

everyone to be on their best behavior.

[Song volume increases]

-Okay, we're not in St. Barts for Christmas,

that's fine, or even Aspen, that's --

-Okay, look, I just wanted to have some bonding time.

You hear that? I want this to be a happy, loving family.

-So you want a Christmas miracle.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Jingle bells ♪

-All right, son, let's get that tree.

-♪ Jingle all the way ♪

-It's cold out here, huh?

-♪ In a one horse open sleigh ♪

-I want the new Morph Machine.

The Morph Machine with the motorcycle,

and the guy has a green vest.

Not the blue one, the other guy with the Morph Machine.

[Coughs]

-You okay?

We can go back if you want.

-I'm okay. -He'll be fine, he'll be fine.

-Not here.

-What do you mean not here?

Baby, look at those, huh?

Tell me we won't find the perfect Christmas tree.

-Look, we can go right through here.

-Great, nice example for a cop, Scott.

-We're in the middle of nowhere.

No one's gonna even know we're here.

Come on.

-Come on!

-Right behind you, son.

Come on, don't be scared.

-[Sighs]

-Quit groping her. Let's get on with it.

-Thanks.

Five, four, three...

Christmas, usually a time of joy and celebration,

but for Saint Joseph's Academy, a time of mourning.

Exactly one year ago last Christmas Eve,

this school was the scene of an unimaginable crime when

two of its students, Connor and Jenna,

seen here, were found murdered in cold blood.

With the killer still at large,

the atmosphere here in Bailey Downs

is truly grim this holiday season.

I'm Molly Simon, and this is Horror in the Hallways.

-Wait, cut. -What?

-Are we really going with that cheesy title?

-Your opinion would mean a lot more to me if you

weren't failing Media Arts.

-Shh, shh, shh, hold on guys, I think I hear something.

[Indistinct talking]

-I'm fine!

-Shit.

-It's Principal Herod.

-We just need to be careful.

Yes, I...

I know!

Listen to me!

[Continues indistinctly]

-Go, go, go, go!

No, not that one, the other one.

Molly, hurry up.

-It'll be fine.

Wait.

Never mind. Now I'm getting jumpy.

-Principal Herod.

-What the hell is he doing here on Christmas Eve?

-Keep it down!

-Great. -I've got flashlights.

-Oh, nice. -Come on, it's this way.

[Chain saw whirring]

-Wow!

She better remember us in the will.

It's about time she invited us here.

She did invite us, right?

-Think of it as a Christmas surprise.

-Taylor! -What, 'tis the season.

She'll be thrilled.

[Clock ticking]

-Hm.

-You see, the thing is...

To be honest, Aunt Edda, I know you

and mom had difficulties, and I just thought we could,

you know, get it out there and deal with it.

-Dear, maybe now's not a good time.

-It's Christmas. What could be a better time?

Christmas is all about forgiveness

and family and tradition.

If you just believe, if you let that spirit in,

it just -- it fills you.

-Don't touch that!

It's very old.

-Is there some place more private you and I could talk?

I want to show you something

I think you might be interested in.

-Hm.

Come.

-Four hours in the car,

and the old bat doesn't even offer me a drink.

I'll help myself, thank you.

Look at this place.

It's like Paul Bunyan and Count Dracula gayed up

and built a dream home.

-That is not a toy.

-Oh, hi there. We're the --

-I know who you are.

-Okay.

-This is Krampus, right?

-What's a Krampus?

-He's like an anti-Santa Claus,

a demon who punishes the naughty.

He whips them, chains them up,

throws them in a sack, stuff like that.

-When Krampus knocked, the demon hunts the wicked

from sunset to sunrise.

-That's fun.

-He comes for little boys who touch things they shouldn't.

-Oops.

-Duncan!

-That was very unwise.

-We will pay for it, of course. Pick it up.

-Gerhardt, what have you done?

-I did nothing.

The boy had...

an unfortunate accident.

-Take your family and leave now.

-Let's not be hasty here. -No, my son.

I feel one of my spells coming, and I cannot entertain guests.

Goodbye.

-Bicycle parts to Sector Five!

Organs sets to arrive!

Video games...

[Horn honking]

-Get out of the way, get out of the way!

-Have to take it out again this year.

-Ho ho ho!

Talk to the Mrs. Sparkles.

-Santa, I need your signature.

Thank you.

-So what are we up against this year, Jingles?

-Blizzard warning along the Eastern seaboard.

-Never met a blizzard that troubled me.

-It's bad, it's really bad.

-Another signature here.

-I'm worried about the trade winds.

-Trade winds. -Safety first, Santa.

-Right here on the left. -Lots of kids are depending

on tonight going off without a hitch.

-[Coughs]

-Shiny?

-Take a break, everyone!

-Yay, Mrs. Claus!

-Even Christmas magic needs a little fuel.

-Oh ho, cookies! -Smells good.

-Cookies!

-Have a cookie, Shiny.

-No, I...

I don't know.

No thank you.

-It'll keep your strength up for the long shift.

-I'm not hungry.

-Not hungry? They're cookies!

You're being silly, Shiny.

You know how much you love my cookies.

-I said I don't want a goddamn cookie!

You reindeer fucking snow whore!

-Shiny!

[Gasping]

-[Groans]

[Gasping]

-[Screams]

-Oh.

-[Sighs]

-He...

He's dead.

-[Gasping] -Oh, no!

-Dead? -No!

-But elves... -Can't die.

Santa, elves can't die, right?

-No.

They cannot.

[Crow cawing]

-Yeah, he's gonna help his pop put this up, too.

-This tree is way better than the ones at the mall.

-We did it.

-Stop, we can't do this again.

-Oh, no way.

They won't even miss it.

They got enough trees around here...

-[Speaking indistinctly]

-Look at this, babe. This is a perfect tree.

Smells like pine. You love pine.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't think it's gonna fit up the stairs.

-Of course it will. It'll be fine, trust me.

Where's Will?

-He was right here with us.

Will?

-Will? -Will!

-Baby! -Come on, we got to go!

This ain't time to play hide and seek now!

-Where are you, babe?!

[Growling]

-We got to go. Come on, son!

-Will!

[Growling]

[Crows cawing]

-Come on, boy, stop playing! We got to go!

-Where are you, baby?! -Mom?!

-Come on, honey, let's go! -William, where are you?!

-Dad!

[Snarling]

[Crows cawing]

-William! -Where are you?!

Will!

Where'd he go?

-He couldn't have gone far.

-Over here. -Oh, God.

Will!

Baby?!

-This way, through here.

Son!

-Will!

Will!

-Will!

-William!

-Will!

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Will!

Will?!

Come here, buddy!

Scott!

-[Screams]

Will. Will!

-Will, are you okay?

-What the hell happened? Why'd you take off like that?

Why?!

-Don't yell at him!

It was your idea to come out here!

[Static crackles]

-So the Steve Bannon looking dude on the snowmobile

watches the Christmas tree thieving family

drive away in the car that was not noticed

when the family of Caprice drove by on the same highway

right after Caprice had given her secret keys to Dylan,

her boyfriend that she made out with right before she went off

to make his student film project with Molly and Ben,

who know about the murders that took place last

Christmas Eve because they have a pirated copy of

the police tape that records the reaction

to the dead bodies by a cop,

who looks like it.

Actually, hey, yeah, it's Scott.

The cop is Scott, the father and the Christmas tree

thieving family who was temporarily panicked

because his son Will was hiding in a tree trunk.

So, yes, they've been linked all these stories together.

But they've linked them in kind of random ways,

unlike the model that they were shooting for,

which is Quentin Tarantino's "Pulp Fiction."

How do we know that's what they were shooting for?

Because Steven Hoban, the producer of the whole thing,

and the director of the North Pole story

and the William Shatner deejay story,

said he was hoping for a cross between "Creepshow"

and "Pulp Fiction."

It's really like neither of those films,

but it's clever how they did the connective tissue anyway.

Steven Hoban says the movie happened

because he's a fan of Christmas horror

and he was looking through the Christmas horror lineup

in 2013, and he didn't find much of anything.

So he decided he would rush one into production

for Christmas 2014, not knowing that

Michael Dougherty was already underway

on his big Krampus movie that came out at the same time.

Steve Hoban is the same producer who worked on "Ginger Snaps"

and then the 2006 remake of "Black Christmas",

which was a disappointment.

So in part, he was trying to redeem

himself from that earlier box office failure.

"Black Christmas" was not the first

Christmas horror film,

but -- I'm talking about the '72 one.

That was not the first Christmas horror film.

But the horror world treats it like it was.

And it's especially revered. in Canada because Bob Clark

made it in Toronto back in 1973 with an all Canadian crew.

And anyway, I'll let you be the judge

of how successful they were

in doing an anthology film this way.

In fact, Darcy, why don't we put up a poll?

Succeed or fail, the structure of "A Christmas Horror Story",

and see what the fans say.

-On it, chief.

-They could have just done a framing story

and told these stories one at a time,

but they went for a much more complex structure.

Okay, reminding you that we're raising money

for the Thoroughbred Aftercare Alliance

in this part of the show.

That's our animal charity for this year.

Keep bidding, keep ordering hoodies.

We're going to break all the records from last year,

which broke all the records from the year before.

Darcy, let's see what kind of worthless crap --

I mean, what kind of holiday surprises are behind

doors -- where are we? -- doors number 15 and 16.

-Alright. -So you want to go?

-You go first. -Really?

Even though it's all the way on the other side?

You want me to go first?

-Okay. 15. All right.

What is it? Oh. The Santa.

It's a Santa. No head.

-Yay! It's awesome! You got a good one this time.

-Thank you, Yuki.

I'll put this -- well, you can put it on a tree later.

Okay? -$6.

-What? -Santa Claus cost $6.

-Is that good or bad?

-Very expensive.

-Really? Well, I'm sorry you had

to max out your budget on the headless Santa.

-That's okay. -Aw.

-Darcy, go ahead. Open --

-Down by you. -I'll help you out.

-Thank you.

-What do we got here?

-Are these -- Oh, my God.

-What? -Those are not even

remotely related to Christmas, Yuki.

-Aw! I love them! Thank you.

-Oh, but that's "Halloween III" merch

on Christmas. -Yes!

-Only $5. -Oh, what if I --

Yuki, what if I had not gone first and I scored those?

-Then you could have been gracious and given them to me.

-[Sighs]

You know, I'm scanning my gift table here,

and, you know, I couldn't even give this stuff away

on the subway.

I mean, people would think I was psycho.

It's like Joe Spinell's altar in "Maniac" here.

[Laughter]

All right. Back to the movie.

And, Darcy, did you notice that Mrs. Claus

might just be a reindeer fucking snow whore?

-[Laughs] Yes.

-[Laughs] This movie deserves to be in the pantheon

of memorable Christmas horror flicks

just for that one line alone.

Convincingly delivered by Ken Hall

as Shiny the Deranged Elf.

-You said that you don't think "Black Christmas"

was the first Christmas horror movie.

So what do you think is?

-The easy answer as "A Christmas Carol"

because there were several versions of that story

in the silent era.

But the one I would -- the one I was thinking about

when I said that is "Whoever Slew Auntie Roo?"

with Shelley Winters as the psycho hag

who gets bested by the orphans.

People always ask me what's the first horror flick

I ever saw?

And I don't remember really.

I'm never quite sure, but I think it was

"Whatever Happened to Baby Jane",

the original psycho hag movie,

or what we call psycho hag today.

They don't write psycho hag like they used to.

-Agreed.

-Who would be the great psycho hag --

If you made one today, who would be the great

psycho hag of the present generation of actresses?

-How about Corinne Conley? From this movie.

She plays Aunt Edda. She's, like, really scary.

-That's a good choice. Corinne is good.

She's delightfully nasty. -Yes.

-But I think to do a great psycho hack movie,

you have to have a famous actress who crosses --

I mean, Corinne is known in Canada,

but you have to have a famous actress

who crosses over to horror from mainstream movies.

And that's the psycho hag formula.

So somebody who's known.

And it should be somebody who's known for being

really good looking, like Bette Davis,

really good looking when she was,

you know, an ingenue.

Joan Crawford.

Great psycho hag.

Shelley Winters, great psycho hag.

Those were all great beauties. You know?

The way you cast is you find a great actress

who was a sex siren 30, 40, 50 years ago.

So who would that be today?

Any guess?

I'm thinking Brigitte Bardot.

You know? Jane Fonda, you know?

-Yes. -But, you know who could

really pull it off, though?

Julie Andrews.

What if you had Julie Andrews? So unexpected, right?

Faye Dunaway.

Well, "Mommie Dearest."

She already did it 40 years ago.

But if she did it 40 years ago, think how amazing she'd be now.

We need to bring back psycho hag.

Why does psycho hag die out in the first place?

-Probably because no one wants to be known as psycho hag.

-Betty Davis wanted to be known as a psycho hag.

-Okay, most people don't.

-I mean, that's what's wrong with these young

actresses today.

Well, not young.

That's what's wrong with these elderly actresses today.

-We should probably talk about something else.

-Okay.

Ann-Margret. Nobody would see that coming.

You know, Ann-Margret as a psycho --

Ann-Margret and Ursula Andress in the same movie, you know?

Psycho hag double team that.

-Time out on this topic.

-Okay. -Thank you.

-Don't forget, you can also help tonight's causes

to receive limited edition Ghoultide Get Together merch.

For $50, you'll get a Ghoultide Get Together T-shirt.

For $100, you'll receive both the T-shirt and a matching

Ghoultide Get Together hoodie.

And finally, for $150, you'll get all that

plus the Darcy and Joe Bob pint glasses.

These items are only available now,

and all profits go to tonight's worthy causes.

Happy holidays from "The Last Drive-In."

[Static crackles]

-Listen, I know, we all got questions

about the future, right?

But I can hear the music,

and the spirits are in the music.

And I can tell your future

if you just let me sing about you.

Papa Brennan, a.k.a. Johnny Bubba,

singing a song about how my wife was going to leave me.

And we're still together. But I'm prepared for the worst.

♪ Your wife, she will leave you and smoke the THC ♪

♪ Go out on the town now with your balding Uncle Jeffrey ♪

I'm Johnny Bubba, a.k.a. Papa John, a.k.a. John Brennan.

If you send me a 10-part questionnaire,

I'll tell your future, I'll tell you wife to go screw,

all through the power of music.

-John Brennan wrote me a song about high quality cheeses.

-♪ Mozzarella, Swiss, I never knew it could be like this ♪

♪ Provolone and brie make me very happy ♪

♪ Give me cheese, give me some more cheese ♪

♪ I said, gimme, gimme, gimme ♪

-Hey, you know it's true.

Papa Brennan, Papa John, Papa Johnny Bubba.

I can tell you future. The muses, they speak to me.

I can speak to you. Send me that questionnaire.

I'll sing. Let's go.

♪ Da-dip, da-dip, dip ♪

-John Brennan sang a song about how I was

coming back to town.

And I did!

-Hey, look, the spirits, they don't lie,

and they certainly don't lie to me.

So send me that questionnaire, and I'll write a song about you.

I'll sing your song. I'll sing whatever you want.

The power of music. Let me sing about yous.

[Static crackles]

[Door creaks]

-Oh, boy, real palace of fun down here.

-Saint Joseph's used to be a convent

a long time ago.

This is part of the original building.

-Oh, you could be a bride of Christ, too, Molly.

You've got the whole virgin thing going on.

-Actually, this is where they kept

the unmarried girls who got pregnant.

It was a big deal back then if they weren't married.

You know, you had to keep them out of sight.

-Didn't they shut this place down before it became a school?

-Yeah, yeah, there were a lot of weird stories going around,

like this 15 year-old-girl claimed she was a virgin,

said it was a miracle like the Virgin Mary, but...

no one believed her.

-[Door clangs] -So what happened to her?

-Don't you know, Ben?

That was your mom.

-No, actually, she died trying to abort her baby.

Let's go.

[Door rattles]

This is it.

This is where Connor and Jenna were killed.

Are you getting this?

[Indistinct shouting]

-You guys hear that?

-What?

-Stay focused.

[Door creaks]

-This is where -- -We know. We saw the video.

That your script?

-I want to make sure I don't forget anything.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

-Let's see.

-Stick to camera work, Dylan.

Words aren't really your thing.

-I just want to make sure

there's no more horror in the hallways.

[Arguing indistinctly]

-You okay?

What's wrong?

-Nothing.

-Five minutes.

You guys couldn't act like

a normal goddamn family for five minutes.

-I think we're pretty normal compared to those two.

That creep deliberately baited Duncan.

Sweetheart, it wasn't your fault.

I don't know why your aunt got so

mad over some stupid piece of kitsch.

-She wasn't mad.

She was scared.

-I can't believe you dragged us here

on Christmas Eve so that you could

hustle your own aunt.

That is a new low, Taylor, even for you.

-It's not a hustle.

The Bioplex is a means of integrating technology

into a sustainable future where --

-Scientific innovation is a shared experience.

-Fine, yeah, it's all good when it

pays for the house and the vacations

and the school and the orthodontist,

but, oh, otherwise, no, it's a big joke!

Ah!

-[Gasps]

[Tires squealing, engine revving]

-Come on!

[Engine revving]

Come on, come on.

[Engine revving]

Damn, damn, damn!

[Sighs]

-Seriously?

-I'm standing at the very spot where Connor was found crucified

exactly one year ago today on Christmas Eve.

Connor's neck was broken.

And over here,

Jenna's mutilated body was found hanging off

some metal piping in the ceiling.

Why would somebody go to so much effort?

That is just one of the many

unanswered questions in this baffling case.

How's it look?

-You guys...

It's still here.

-"Unto us a child is born.

Unto us a son is given."

-That is fucking creepy.

-It's from Isaiah, Chapter 9,

verse 6 about the birth of Jesus.

[Clanging]

-Okay, this place is tripping me out.

-I think we've got everything we need. Let's go.

-Yeah, won't argue with you there.

-What the hell?

-What's wrong?

-What the fuck?

I could've sworn it was this one.

-Molly, come on, hurry up.

Move.

-I tried them all three times. None of them fit.

-Crap.

Okay.

Hello?

[Pounding on door]

Principal Herod!

Principal Herod? Hello?!

Principal Herod!

Fuck!

Of course now he isn't around.

Can't see anything.

-I've got full bars, it's in service,

it should be ringing.

-Guys, what if Principal Herod locked us in?

-Why would he do that?

-For all we know, he could be down here with us.

I got nothing, too.

[Dog barking]

-Come on, baby.

Smile.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Will, you okay?

-Come on, sport, don't just sit there.

Look like you've never seen a Christmas tree before.

Why don't you help your old man, all right?

I like that one.

Okay, I'll do it.

Right there.

I wasn't around much last Christmas, I know.

This year, we're having fun, right?

-♪ God rest ye marry gentlemen ♪

-Slow down, Will.

♪ You dismay ♪

♪ Remember Christ our Savior ♪

♪ Was born on Christmas Day ♪

♪ To save us all from Satan's power ♪

♪ When we were gone astray ♪

♪ Oh, tidings of comfort and joy ♪

♪ Comfort and joy ♪

-Oh, looks like someone's worked up an appetite.

-That's his second serving.

-Mm. It must be good.

It's making me hungry. Let's eat.

-You're eating too fast. You're gonna get a tummy ache.

-Hey.

Will, you hear your mother talking to you?

All right, I think that's enough.

Damn it! What the fuck?

-Scott, no!

♪ Oh tidings of comfort and joy ♪

-God.

-I'll handle it.

-Yeah, you handle it. What's wrong with that kid?

-Why'd you do that?

Answer me!

Go to your room right now!

-Christmas, the most magical time of year,

but in Bailey Downs this Christmas, it's different.

It's got to be.

It's true, my friends, and you know it is.

So before I put another jingle in your stocking,

I want you to think about the little ones in your life

and give a thought to the little ones

who aren't with us anymore.

Yeah, this next one's for them. For Jenna.

And Connor.

From Saint Joseph's Academy, taken from us last year cruelly.

I know they're listening.

Somewhere out there.

♪♪

[Wind whistling]

[Soft growling]

-Martha, thank God!

[Door slams]

-What's going on?

-It's the elves.

I fear they may all become infected.

-Infected? What do you mean?

Others are sick?

-It's worse than that.

-What happened?

-Shiny's body is gone.

He was laid to rest,

but now it may already be too late.

-But this doesn't make any sense.

-Elves becoming the walking dead?

No, it does not make any sense.

Unless he is behind it.

[Clattering]

Stand back, Martha!

[Grunts]

[Electricity powers down]

You need to hide!

-Open up, you fat fucking piece of shit!

[Laughs]

Here's Shiny!

-Shiny risen from the dead!

Quick, go, hide!

-Where's my fucking cookie?!

-[Snarls, laughs]

-Stay back, Jingles!

-[Screams]

-[Grunts]

-Yeah, yeah, I got you, you cocksucker!

-Motherfucker, oh, shit!

[Thuds]

[Static crackles]

-That is the great George Buza as the no nonsense,

let's take care of business, Santa Claus.

Those of you who came to one of my live shows this past summer

have heard me talk about George Buza before because

he looked just the same 35 years ago in "The Brain."

George Buza has probably been in 300 movies,

almost all of them in Canada.

If you were making a Canadian tax shelter movie

in the '70s, '80s, or '90s,

you probably had George Buza in your movie,

usually as a thug or the gangster or the evil landlord.

He's also a stunt man,

as you will see as this movie progresses.

And there aren't that many guys who are that big and that agile.

He was 64 when he made this movie,

so still doing very athletic stunts.

And this was not the first time he played Santa either.

He played Santa in several Hallmark movies,

including "The Case for Christmas",

where the evil businessman sues Kris Kringle

because his children didn't get what's on their

wish list for Christmas.

Dean Cain is the court appointed attorney for Kris.

[Laughter]

George Buza was also a department store Santa

back in his college days.

Anyway, he's still working today.

Biker, rock hound, weightlifter.

Says his favorite role was Doubar, the brother

of Sinbad in "The Adventures of Sinbad",

that syndicated series that ran for two seasons

back in the '90s.

George Buza is one of those character actors

who doesn't get the credit he deserves.

47 years in the business.

He started on the old "Kung Fu" TV series,

and he is still at it.

Anyway, I needed some nasty little zombie elves

this Christmas, didn't you?

That makes me feel good, watching Saint Nicholas

kill the little demons with medieval weaponry.

The North Pole story is the strongest of all

the stories in this movie.

It was directed by the producer, Steven Hoban.

He didn't plan to direct it.

He just couldn't find a director who could make room

for it on his schedule.

And it was kind of a daunting prospect because, as you'll see,

it's the story with the most action sequences,

and they only had a 22 day shooting schedule

for all the stories.

This was very much a "let's put on a show" project.

Just 14 months from coming up with the idea,

assembling the writing, doing the directing,

getting it into theaters.

From idea to theater, 14 months.

Uniformly great acting, though.

The story about the spaghetti crazy demon kid,

Will, and his parents,

all three of those actors are just superb.

Right on the money.

That's Adrian Holmes as Scott, the father.

He was born in Wales, grew up in Vancouver,

considers Barbados his homeland.

But what a screen presence that guy has.

And then the mom is played by Oluniké Adeliye.

She was born in Toronto to a Nigerian father

and a Jamaican mother.

She studied at the American Academy

of Dramatic Arts in New York.

One thing about casting in Toronto, it's full of great

actors from all over the world.

They have a vibrant theater scene.

Feeds the film industry.

I always thought one of the unfortunate things that

happened to the American film industry is it got separated

from the theater when all the motion picture companies

moved from New York to L.A.

In most countries -- England, France, Germany,

Italy, the prestige theater scene is in the same

city with the film industry.

So great actors get discovered really quickly.

In America, it's "Hey, I saw this amazing kid

off-Broadway last night. Well, too bad.

I ain't I'm putting him on a six hour flight

just see if he can do the job out here."

So, I mean, they'll do that on big budget films,

But on indie films, like the ones we're watching,

not going to happen.

Okay, still raising money this break for

the Thoroughbred Aftercare Alliance.

So people in Lexington, Kentucky,

who look after retired race horses and fund organizations

all over the country that contribute to their well-being.

No more trips to the glue factory

because of the work that this organization is doing.

Even if the horse can't be retrained,

there is a pasture somewhere waiting for it.

All right.

I am rolling here in the Advent sweepstakes.

I got a George Buza ornament.

-Lucky you. -Last time.

All right, go for it. We're on...

-Which on? -17.

-17? -Are we on 17?

-All right, all right, all right, all right.

What's in there? What is there?

There you go.

-Ooh! -Oh, wow.

-Oh, my God. This is amazing. -[Sighs] Alright.

Well, I got a George Buza so.

-I got Jason. -Let's put them side by side.

Headless Santa and -- Okay, you win again.

[Laughter]

All right. On 18.

What do we have here?

We have...

Yuki, this is ridiculous.

-You don't even know that. You have to read it first.

-I mean, how much did you pay for this?

-$6.

-You paid $6, what, for a bag of 30,000 of these?

-Must be cheap item.

-Okay.

All right.

Um...

So let's see.

"Your enterprise must be lovely in spring season."

What the fuck?

-It's a positive message. -It doesn't makes sense.

-Yuki is right.

-What?

-It's positive. It's a good message.

-That's not a fortune.

-$6.

-All right. Let's just go back to the movie.

You know?

What happens when you get to the end of the Advent calendar?

Is there a whoopee cushion or something?

-Whoopie cushion costs $9.

[Laughter]

So there is a whoopee cushion

at the end of the Advent calendar?

-Too expensive. Must be cheap items.

-Okay, Yuki. Alright. We got the idea.

[Laughter]

-Don't go away.

Joe Bob's Ghoultide Get Together

will return in a moment.

Now, for a word from tonight's sponsors.

[Static crackles]

-Since it aired on November 7, 1993,

no work has proved more influential

to the acting process than the "Married with Children"

episode entitled "Scared Single."

In it, the world was introduced to a character

with more depth than Iago, Prospero, or Macbeth combined,

the exterminator known as Billy Ray Wetnap.

-Hi. I'm Billy Ray Wetnap.

-I'm Billy Ray Wetnap.

-I'm Billy Ray Wetnap.

-Very interesting interpretation.

But what you don't see is that the universe presses

against Billy from all directions.

Billy loves everyone anyway.

I want to see that love come out of you.

-A must for every actor.

We are now selling an original copy

of this illuminated manuscript.

This was the personal copy of the first man to ever slip

into the skin of Billy Ray Wetnap.

-You nailed the Billy. But you missed the Wetnap.

-Founder of the Briggsian School of Acting Excellence,

it even bears his signature.

-Show me something. Go beyond the TV movie version.

-There's no bug.

-We can't plug.

-There is no bug we can't plug.

-Beautiful. I -- Give me a moment.

Thank you.

-Hone your dramatic abilities with this autographed

"Married with Children" script, available now.

-I want you to get in touch with that emotional place,

find it, and then let it out.

-Hi! I'm Billy Ray Wetnap! from Pest Boys Exterminators,

where our motto is, "There's no bag we can't plug."

And see, you just let the emotion flow,

and it's that easy.

[Static crackles]

-I didn't find any windows without bars.

-Same here.

-Guys, I can't be here.

I'm supposed to be at the mall helping

with the food drive.

My mom's gonna kill me.

-We've all got places to be. It's Christmas Eve, bro.

-There's got to be another way out of here.

-Oh, God.

-[Screams]

-A little jumpy, Dylan?

-Oh, this is a nativity scene.

The school didn't put it up this year.

-You can't openly display a nativity scene anymore.

It's the war on Christmas.

-Damn it, more bars.

-Fuck, it's freezing down here.

-I can hear it.

Damn thing is on.

[Clanging]

It won't...

heat up.

-Look, if we just sit around and wait it out,

I'm sure that somebody is gonna notice.

-Only Caprice knows we're down here,

and she's out of town.

The school's not gonna reopen for another week and a half.

-Look, if there was ever a time to notice three missing kids,

tonight would be it, right?

-We always open one gift.

Every Christmas Eve,

we eat pizza with champagne,

watch "The Sound of Music."

Before we go to bed...

we each open one gift.

Not this year.

Hell of a Christmas, huh?

-Hey.

It's not pizza and champagne, but...

Merry Christmas.

-Thanks, Dylan.

-I didn't realize how starving I am.

-Yeah.

-What if he comes back?

-Who?

-The guy who killed Jenna and Connor,

what if he comes back tonight?

I mean, we're trapped down here.

And there's a psychopath on the loose.

-Psycho's already here.

Principal Herod.

I'm sure he locked the door on us. Who else could it be?

-I get that he's creepy, okay?

But that doesn't mean he's a killer.

-Then what's he doing here? On Christmas Eve?

What makes matters worse, I got to piss.

I'm sure Joe won't mind.

If I borrow this.

Where's this place?

[Clanging]

-Caprice will know something's up when Dylan doesn't

call her tonight.

-Ugh, what is that fucking smell?

-Do you hear that?

[Singing in distance]

-[Sighs]

Yeah.

[Thud]

[Singing in distance]

-What is it?

[Flushes]

What is it?

-I don't know.

[Thudding]

[Water running]

[Water stops]

-It stopped.

-[Gasps]

[Screams]

-Molly, Molly!

-What's going on?

-I don't know! She started kicking and twitching!

Molly! Molly!

[Shower shuts off]

-[Gasps]

Will!

Get out!

-Hey.

-Hey.

How's your hand?

-I'll live.

-Have you noticed Will hasn't had to use his inhaler?

-Really?

That's a good thing, right?

-Yeah.

Something seems wrong.

Maybe we should take him to the doctor?

-The doctor? On Christmas Eve?

Maybe we should just keep an eye on him.

Come here.

You know, they say you're allowed

to open one gift before Christmas.

-Scott...

Not right now.

-All right, I just figured, you know, it's...

It's been awhile.

-With what's going on?

-What's going on with me? What are you saying?

-I mean with Will. The way he's been acting.

-Yeah, sure, whatever. You know what? Forget it.

-No, wait.

[Christmas music playing]

-Yes! "Dangerous" Dan!

Let's listen to this Christmas classic.

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright ♪

♪ Round yon Virgin ♪

-[Sighs]

[Indistinct whispering]

[Growling]

-[Gasps]

[Wind whistling]

[Indistinct whispering]

-We should have stayed on the road.

Didn't exactly wear my "trudging through the woods" boots.

-Look, this will help us shave

a half hour off our walk back to Edda's,

plus I gave you all the option of staying in the car.

-Yeah, where mom and I would be easy prey

for drunk hillbilly rapists?

No thanks, Dad.

-We should make weapons.

-What?

-In case whatever dad nearly hit comes and hunts us.

The sun has set.

It is officially Krampusnacht, the night of Krampus.

-Son, that Krampus is a load of old German bull --

Ah!

-Dad!

-Oh, my God. What happened?

Oh, my God, you're bleeding!

-Ah! -Whoa.

-Am I shot?

-I don't know!

Oh, my God.

Duncan, get back here!

-Ah!

[Groans]

Duncan!

-I got it!

[Trap snaps shut]

[Screams]

-[Screams] -Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God, Duncan! -Duncan!

-Duncan! -[Groans]

-Duncan! Duncan!

-Duncan, where are you?

-Duncan!

-Answer me!

-Duncan?

Duncan?

Duncan?

[Gasps]

Duncan?

-[Groans] -[Screams]

-Oh, my God! -Where is he?

-I don't know. I don't know.

-[Groans] -We need the police.

-Mom, there's no service out here.

-[Snarling] -[Screaming]

-What is that?!

-Come on.

Run! Run!

-[Groans] -We have to run.

-Duncan?

[Screeching]

[Elevator whirring]

[Dings]

[Music playing]

[Growling]

-[Laughs] -Sparkles!

Sparkles!

Ah!

[Snarling]

-[Grunts]

[Grunting, snarling]

[Wind whistling]

[Dings]

[Music playing]

[Soft groaning]

-I'm gonna eat your fucking brains out,

you Christmas cunt.

Fuck you!

I'll break that fucking staff in your rosy-cheeked ass,

you fucker!

[Laughs]

-I'm sorry, Shiny.

I know it isn't your fault.

-You don't have the Christmas balls, you...

-[Grunts]

[Static crackles]

-More zombie elves! More zombie elves!

Steve Hoban had -- he said Toronto had a shortage

of little people actors who could do the physical stunts

in the script, and so Ken Hall and Joe Silvaggio

kept coming back with different make up

to represent different zombie elves.

-Oh, my God

-I think the zombie elves

should have a whole movie of their own.

And as I pointed out, those segments

and the William Shatner segments were the ones directed

by the first timer Steven Hoban,

normally a producer and an editor.

He runs Copperheart Entertainment in Toronto,

which is the production company that put the movie together.

The other two directors both directed

"Ginger Snaps" spinoffs.

Grant Harvey, who does both of the episodes about the families,

is primarily a TV director, but he directed

"Ginger Snaps Back", the prequel that was set

in the 19th century.

And Brett Sullivan, who directed

the teens in the haunted school segment,

he directed "Ginger Snaps 2."

His second feature was a low budget horror flick

not too many people have seen,

a haunted House picture called "The Chair" in 2007.

And everybody involved in the writing of the movie

was connected to the Netflix series "Dark Net."

So they were used to working on tight budgets, tight deadlines.

The budget was $3.6 million, which I assume

was Canadian money, but actually doesn't matter because it was

in those strange years

when the Canadian dollar was worth a dollar.

[Laughter]

Remember when that happened? Who knew? Okay.

Still raising money for the Thoroughbred Aftercare Alliance,

which keeps horses healthy and happy

after their racing careers are over.

And we're going to launch our fourth and final charity tonight

right after I quit talking.

And that would be the Jeannette Rankin Foundation,

which is based in Athens, Georgia.

And Jeannette Rankin was, of course, the first

woman ever to serve in Congress.

And she was elected to Congress before

women had the right to vote.

And so, of course, she was the only woman who voted

for the 19th Amendment, giving women the right to vote

because she was the only woman in Congress.

She was also the only congress person voting

against the U.S. entry into World War II.

And then when she was 87 years old,

she led a march of 5,000 women in Washington

protesting the Vietnam War.

So anyway, when Jeannette Rankin passed away

at the age of 92, she stipulated in her will

that all the proceeds from her estate

would be used for helping, quote,

"mature unemployed women workers."

So that's when they started giving out scholarships

to women over the age of 35 who were too poor

to go to college.

And that was exactly 50 years ago, and they're still

giving out scholarships today.

And we want to help them along with money raised

at Joe Bob's Ghoultide Get Together.

But right now, we're going back to the dreaded Advent calendar.

-Oh, my God. Don't call it dreaded.

-Going back to the festive Advent calendar

for more gifting adventures.

-That is so much better.

-Okay.

Here goes. Where are we? We're on door number 19.

And it is... -You got it?

-I don't know. Do I have it? Oh, what is it?

-I think it's a dead bug.

-Um, I think you're right.

-Spray painted silver.

-$6. -Really?

-Really? $6?

Cost you $6 to kill a bug and spray with paint?

-It's real silver.

-Right. Okay.

-No paint. Silver.

-Okay.

Darcy, go ahead, open your door.

-Alrighty.

-Nice. -[Gasps] Oh, my God.

-What is that?

-Aw, it's a Krampus jingle bell.

-Like the bell he puts on his chains when he kills you?

-Exactly. I needed one of these.

These gifts are so cool. Thank you.

[Bell jingling]

-Two people have been attacked with chains in the movie

we're watching, so.

-I know. -Hmm.

-Wonder why. All right.

Back to the movie.

-How much did the Krampus jingle bell cost, Yuki?

-$6.

-Right. -[Laughs]

-[Sighs]

Did you know that gift giving

in general was not part of Christmas

until the 19th century?

And you know what started it is Clement Clarke Moore

wrote that poem, "A Visit from Saint Nicholas."

That was sort of the breakthrough role

for Santa Claus because that was the "Star Wars"

of Santa literature.

Clement Clarke Moore.

He was a nerd, professor type guy.

Darcy, I know you're in ecstasy over your Krampus jingle bell,

but would you mind if I talked about Clement Clarke Moore

just for a minute?

-I mean, would it matter if I said no?

-No.

So Clement Clarke Moore was a professor of Greek

and Oriental literature at an Anglican church seminary.

You know the neighborhood of Chelsea in New York City?

That was his estate.

-What? -His estate was called Chelsea,

and he subdivided it, and he gave a big chunk of it

to the General Theological Seminary,

which is where he worked.

It was actually the apple orchard of the estate.

And it's still there today, that seminary.

And there's a church way uptown, 155th Street,

Church of the Intercession.

And every year, if you go there on the Sunday before Christmas,

they read "A Visit from Saint Nicholas"

in the church service, and then they do a formal procession

to Clement Clarke Moore's grave in the Trinity Cemetery.

And they stage a memorial service.

And children do most of the readings.

And they've been doing that since 1911.

So this year, actually this year,

Christmas is actually on Sunday.

So part of the observance that day will be the 112th year

of honoring a guy who died in 1863.

So was that too much info?

-No, that was just enough. Thank you.

-All right.

Because he wrote "Twas the Night Before Christmas."

I mean, that's major Christmas street cred.

-And you covered it really, really well.

-I've actually been to the Church of the Intercession.

It's one of those massive stone buildings

that you see in New York.

It's like a European cathedral type thing.

And nobody's there.

I mean, there are people there, but it's --

You know, it's one of those things that's built

for 3,000 people to be in there, and they have like 50.

So, what would Clement say about that?

-To all a good night.

-Actually, that's exactly what he would say.

Okay. Thank you, Darcy.

[Laughter]

-Don't forget, you can also help

tonight's cause to receive limited edition

Ghoultide Get Together merch.

For $50, you'll get a Ghoultide Get Together T-shirt.

For $100, you'll receive both the T-shirt and a matching

Ghoultide Get Together hoodie.

Finally, for $150, you'll get all that

plus the Darcy and Joe Bob pint glasses.

All profits go to tonight's worthy causes.

Happy holidays from "The Last Drive-In."

[Static crackles]

[Camera shutter clicks]

-If the world is always watching,

and it is always watching.

Stare back as if to say,

"Of course it's the genuine silver."

[Camera shutter clicks]

Not all that glitters is gold.

So always make mine silver.

The JB&Y Holiday Bolo Collection,

in department stores now.

[Static crackles]

-Bailey Downs, it's getting closer,

and we're counting down to Christmas,

and "Dangerous" Dan is pulling his annual double shift to stay

with you until the end.

-[Muffled talking] -What?

What, we're...

Okay, well, we're gonna check in with good ol' Stormin' Norman

down at the charity food drive.

Hey, Norman!

Normy, you're a little scratchy there, buddy.

What -- I did press the button, Susan.

Why don't you press your own button?

Ahhh!

Sorry, folks, looks like we got some of

those winter weather technical difficulties.

Too many reindeer in the atmosphere.

[Chuckles]

That's my bet.

So let's throw another eggnog on the fire.

Oh, wait a minute, let's throw another log

on the fire and pour yourself another eggnog.

You know, get some good Christmas vibes.

Out to Susan, who is seriously harshing my buzz right now.

And listen to this holly jolly classic.

-[Snoring]

Little shit.

Will.

Will!

Will, where are you?

-Hey, whoa, what is it?

-Where is he?

-Huh?

Where is he? Will!

There you are.

-Baby, don't, don't!

Did you open those presents?

Did you?

Say something!

-Scott!

-You think this is a game?

-What are you doing?!

-Say something. Look at him.

Thinks it's all one big fucking joke!

-Scott! -You think this is funny?

-No! -Move!

-No, no, no!

Don't! Stop!

I knew this would happen!

You refused to see a doctor. You said you could handle it!

-I...

Did you not see what he did?!

-Get out!

[Door slams]

[Glass clangs]

[Exhales]

-Will, you all right?

[Phone rings]

[Sighs]

Hello?

-Is this the Peters household?

-Yes.

-Got yourself a nice Christmas tree, did you?

-Who is this?

-You don't know me.

Just consider me a concerned neighbor.

You were on my land, took one of my trees,

and I saw your license plate.

-What do you want?

-Your boy, how is he?

Did something happen to him in the grove?

-Look, I don't know...

-I said, did something happen to your boy?

-He got lost, but we found him later.

-No, you didn't.

He's still lost.

Now we haven't got much time,

so you're gonna have to do as I say.

Bring the changeling back

to the forest where you lost your son.

-Changeling?

What the hell is that?

-Ma'am...

that ain't your son.

-Don't call again.

-Wait, wait!

[Phone beeps]

-[Groans]

Huh?

Molly?

We were worried about you.

What is it? You okay?

-Just come.

I have to show you something.

-Should I wake Ben?

Where are you going?

Molly?

-[Door closes] -Okay.

[Door slams]

-Uh, you kidding me? -[Singing softly]

-Molly?

Wait.

You're serious?

Whoa, okay.

Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly, whoa.

Hey, this isn't gonna happen, Molly. I have a girlfriend.

I think you're in shock or something.

[Rattling]

-♪ The world in solemn stillness lay ♪

♪ To hear the angels sing ♪

♪ Still through the cloven skies they come ♪

♪ With peaceful wings ♪

♪ And still their heavenly music floats ♪

♪ Over all the weary world ♪

[Door creaks]

♪ Lowly plains, they bend on hovering wing ♪

-Will?

-♪ And ever over ♪

-Will?

Will, is that you?

I shouldn't have lost my head like that. I'm sorry.

Dad's just been a little stressed lately.

But I'm trying.

I'm trying to be better.

[Sighs]

[Rattling]

[Glass shatters]

[Door opens]

[Thudding]

-Scott?

[Gasps]

[Growling]

[Screams]

[Panting]

-Hurry! -[Groans]

[Screeching]

-Hurry!

-Get in, in, in!

-[Groans]

-[Panting]

-[Groans]

-Pull him here, get him here.

-Okay, shh! -Okay.

[Wind whistling]

-Do you think that you could walk?

We have to find Duncan.

-Yeah, I can go, I can go.

-Dad, no, you can't.

Mom, we have to stay here. Something's still out there.

-He is out there by himself.

-Mom, what if it really is Krampus?

We have to stay in this church until sunrise.

-That is insane. Let's go.

-Yeah, it is.

-Church, church -- we have to confess our sins.

I'm not gonna make it to sunrise,

I've lost too much blood.

We have to get past that thing.

They say it comes for the wicked.

Maybe if we confess in a church,

we can absolve ourselves of our sins.

-That is ridiculous.

-I stole this.

-You what?

-From Aunt Edda's.

I don't know why. I can't really help myself.

But honest, I'm not as bad as

those other kids with the sex

and the drugs and the cutting and...

Mom, I don't do that.

I just steal stuff.

Stupid stuff.

I'm sorry.

-Even if this is that Krampus thing,

none of this is gonna help, okay?

That monster took Duncan, and Duncan was innocent.

-No, he wasn't.

I mean, what do you think happened to all our pets?

-I'm going out there myself.

-Mom, the day our cat disappeared,

I found Duncan in the garage with a garbage bag.

He had blood all over his hands.

He was smiling.

-No. No!

This is your fault!

If you had just spent more time with him,

but all you care about is your stupid precious business.

-There is no business.

-What?

-Bioplex has been dead for years.

I just raise money to pay debts to keep things going.

It's all gonna come crashing down.

Edda was my last hope, and she thinks I'm a swindler.

She's probably right.

Oh, I'm so sorry. We're gonna lose everything.

And I'm going to jail.

-Why would you...

-It was the only way I could keep you.

I mean, come on.

A guy like me with a woman like you?

I wanted to give you nice things.

A nice home, make you happy,

give you the life you deserve.

-I just thought that you weren't interested anymore.

-Oh, no.

I did it all for you.

-[Laughs]

-Merry Christmas.

-I'm sorry.

[Glass shatters]

-[Gasps]

-[Screams]

Taylor!

Taylor!

-Taylor! -Dad!

-[Screams]

-Go, get in, get in!

-Shh.

-[Breathing shakily]

-Shh.

[Rustling, loud thud]

[Chains rattling]

[Growling]

[Growling]

-[Thud, screams]

[Rattling]

-It's okay, it's okay.

[Growling]

It's okay, it's okay.

-Mom.

There's something on my leg.

There's something on my leg.

Oh.

-Shh.

-[Screams]

-Caprice, I love you,

I love you, run, go, run!

-[Roars] -Run fast!

Right here, you son of a bitch!

-[Roars] -[Screams]

Mom!

[Crunching]

-[Roars]

[Static crackles]

-Okay, so we finally got a good look at Krampus.

Very different from the Krampus in the movie "Krampus",

because these two movies were being made at the same time.

But the remarkable thing about this Krampus,

and I want you to notice this when you see him

in the rest of the scenes,

that's Rob Archer, who is 6'7",

285 pounds, and he bills himself as

the largest and fittest stunt man in the business.

And so that means

the prosthetics are only on his face.

The rest of his body is his body. [Chuckles]

They went to Home Depot and got some paint rollers

to get all that white paint all over him every day.

But Rob was so into this role

that he trained really, really hard,

and he got down to 4% body fat, so he would be maximally ripped.

And then it was an especially cold winter in Toronto.

And so when they got to the climactic fight sequence,

they were shooting in an old barn.

And it was 20 below.

And he practically got hypothermia because even

when they throw blankets on you every 5 minutes,

you know, it's stressing your body like crazy

when you have no fat whatsoever.

Anyway, great Krampus.

I want to see more of him, and you will.

You actually -- we'll see more of him in this movie.

But just a reminder that we're still raising money

for the Jeannette Rankin Foundation

and three other charities.

You know what's interesting to me about Jeannette Rankin,

the Montana politician who was the first woman --

she was actually the first woman to hold any federal office

when she was elected to Congress in 1916.

What's interesting is when she voted against

the United States entering World War II

because they took the vote three days after Pearl Harbor.

So the entire country wanted to go to war,

and the vote in the Senate

was unanimously in favor of a war declaration.

And in the House, Everett Dirksen -- remember him?

He begged her to make it unanimous there in the House,

but for the good of the country or, you know,

he felt like everybody should vote for war,

or at least abstain so there wouldn't be

any votes against the war.

And she said, "If you're against war, you're against war."

And as the voice of women in this body,

I'm telling you men there are better ways

to settle things.

And so she voted no to war even though she knew

it would be the end of her political career.

And she spent the rest of her life of championing

all kinds of anti-war causes.

She was so mad about Vietnam

that she thought she might run for Congress again,

but she was in her 90s and she had various ailments,

by that time, and they overtook her

before she could get that campaign started.

Anyway, the foundation that she left behind

helps women like her who don't have money or power,

but they do have determination.

So grit. -It's awesome.

-We used to call it grit.

The Jeannette Rankin scholarships for older women,

they need to become more famous.

It's a good cause, and it's it's one of the four

causes that we're championing tonight at

Joe Bob's Ghoultide Get Together.

All right. We're still Adventing.

-Yeah!

-They ought to call this Yuki's Torture Box.

You know, not since the lament configuration

in "Hellraiser" has a single box brought so much confusion

into the world.

-Do you not like getting presents?

-Darcy, look at this.

[Laughter]

You call this presents?

-It's the thought that counts.

-Oh, don't even say that.

What was the thought when you were buying these, Yuki?

-Must be cheap items. -You see?

All right, go ahead. Door number 21.

They mixed us up here on the top.

They started doing it out of order. That's 21.

-All right. -Oh.

-Ooh. -Cracker Barrel gift card?

How appropriate.

-[Laughs]

-One of our auction items is,

Darcy and I will go to your house

and take your whole family to Cracker Barrel.

-Yeah. -So the gift card

will be put to good use

because in your hands, that card is worthless.

All you ever wonder is broccoli and grits.

-What is wrong with broccoli and grits?

-Well, Yuki, how much did the gift card cost?

That's not a $6 gift card, is it?

-No, $25. Very expensive.

-All right.

-$6 would have covered my broccoli and grits.

-True. All right. So, Yuki, you wasted $19.

-I have connections.

-You have connections.

So you didn't have to pay the $25.

Okay. You have connections at Cracker Barrel?

Do they have Cracker Barrel in Japan?

-No.

[Laughter]

-Do they eat grits in Japan?

-No, but it's a hockey team.

-A hockey team? What are you talking about?

-Yokohama GRITS.

-Japan has a hockey team named the Yokohama GRITS?

-Yes.

-All right.

Oh, if that was a prize worth 25 bucks,

I can't imagine what got paired with it.

All right, so I guess mine is

going to be worth 25 bucks, right?

-I guess so.

-Door 22.

Is...

What?

What is it?

-[Laughs] Oh, yeah.

You are putting that on.

-What is it? -That is a Santa thong.

-This is for you, obviously.

-Oh, no. That is definitely a male Santa thong.

And you're putting that on, and I am putting pictures

all over Instagram, and I'm not kidding.

-Darcy, that will never happen. This is like --

-Oh, it's hot. -Look, there's no covering.

If it is what you say it is,

there's no covering for the buttox.

-I mean, exactly! -Buttox.

-I have never actually seen one just like that before.

-Must be cheap items.

-Alright. Yes.

So, $25.

All right.

You know, all right, back to the movie.

I'm just -- you know, back to the movie.

They were sold out of male thongs, I guess,

with the Yokohama GRITS logo on them, right, Yuki?

-Promise me that you're going to put it on.

-Go, GRITS.

[Laughter]

How about them GRITS?

I can hear him in Yokohama talking about the GRITS

every week, you know?

How about them GRITS?

GRITS are looking good this season.

Yuki, want to put some money down on the next GRITS game?

-$6.

[Laughter]

-Go to ghoultidegettogether.com to bid on these items and more,

all for charity.

[Static crackles]

-This Christmas, give something

that never goes out of style,

the timeless gift of commercially produced art.

Each of these breathtaking works by famed action painter

Darcy the Mail Girl, are one of a kind,

bloodied by the artist herself

in the Argento tradition of kinetic painting.

Each piece has been hand selected from a larger canvas

and signed for authenticity by Darcy.

Act now and bring the magic of the season to your home.

-Tenebre.

-So if we were able to ask Romero what he was really --

Can I help you?

-They're supposed to be here.

-Right there? It's distracting.

-Get over it.

They won the Christmas charity auction to come hang with us

on set during a live taping of "The Last Drive-In."

-And it could be you. You could meet Darcy.

Ernie.

John Brennan.

-♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

-Yuki.

-"The Last Drive In" crew.

The winning bidder gets airfare and hotel

to come to the beautiful "Last Drive In" trailer park

for all the fun and excitement of a live taping.

-Welcome to the family.

So as I was saying, if you were able to ask Romero today

what he was trying to do when he -- you know,

he had that shot of the car --

[Static crackles]

-[Sighs]

What are you doing?

Can you move the light?

What happened? We couldn't wake you up.

Aren't you cold like that?

Where's Dylan?

-In the room.

-That room?

What's he doing there?

-He wanted me to join him, but...

I wanted to stay here with you.

-Right.

Molly...

Are you sure?

-This is what you want, isn't it?

-[Gasps]

[Gasps]

-Ben.

What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck did you do to me?

-What did Ido to you?

-Fuck. -[Clanging]

-Who's there?

Dylan, is that you?

Dylan?

Dylan?

-Ben, no.

Don't.

[Line ringing]

-I guess you're ready to listen now.

-What do I do?

-Listen good.

You got to bring the creature back to the grove.

But you got to be careful. It won't come willingly.

It's tasted human pleasures.

-What about Will?

-The only way is to bring

the changeling back,

but don't let it sense your intention.

It senses things.

It cannot feel threatened.

I'll be waiting.

-Hello?

Hello?

[Dial tone]

Will.

Do you want to go for a ride?

[Gasps]

Hey, Will.

You want to put your boots on?

Come on, baby.

You and mommy can go have some fun outside.

Yeah, come on, buddy.

-[Growling softly]

[Growls]

-[Sighs]

[Screams]

-[Growling]

-[Screams]

[Grunting]

-[Growling]

-[Grunting]

[Wind whistling]

-[Groans]

[Soft growling]

[Growling]

[Grunting]

[Recording plays]

♪ A partridge in a pear tree ♪

-[Grunts]

-[Snarls]

-[Screams]

[Grunting]

[Squeals]

-Ah!

-[Laughing]

[Screams]

[Screams]

[Grunting]

[Groans]

[Grunting]

-[Groans]

-Come on, you little devils!

-[Squealing]

-Ah!

-[Screeches]

-Ah!

Yah!

-[Laughing] -[Grunts]

[Grunting]

-Come on, you jolly fu...

[Clangs]

[Groans]

-Aaah!

-[Grunting] -I got ya!

Come here, Santa, you fat bastard!

[Grunting]

You again!

-[Groans]

Ah!

[Grunts]

[Squealing]

-[Grunting]

-♪ Four calling birds, three French hens ♪

♪ And a partridge in a pear tree ♪

-[Sighs]

-It's complete and utter chaos down at the mall.

Police and emergency crews are on the scene.

We don't really know what's going on.

And still no word from Stormin' Norman.

But I'm sure a crusty ol' bird like Norman will be fine.

We give Norm a hard time around here,

but he's the weatherman, so...

I think he has a Master's Degree

from Columbia or something depressing like that.

But we love him, so check in as soon as you can, Normey.

In the meantime, it's my job to keep the Christmas spirit alive,

and that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Let's give this next yuletide tune a spin.

[Music plays]

Oh, man.

[Snarling]

-Hello?

-Don't point that thing at me, honey.

Put it down, it's okay.

-I brought it.

-Thanks.

What's the matter with you?

-There's so many of them.

-It's all right.

They're not gonna touch you as long as I'm here.

They're afraid of me.

I know how to handle them, hurt them good.

The trolls have been on our land for generations.

I guess you could say I watch over them.

Thanks for bringing this one back.

It would've sensed me coming from a mile away.

-I brought it like you said.

Now where's my son?

-I don't know.

What did you do?

You keep running off, and now look

what you've done, now look what you've done!

-What are you doing? Where's my son?!

-The little devils never listen.

They never listen no matter how many times I tell them.

[Growling, hissing]

[Growling]

-What?

Where is he?

I want my son back!

-I wish I could help, but I can't.

It's not up to me. -You lied to me!

It killed my husband!

-Don't hurt it! Put the gun...

[Gunshot]

No!

My baby boy, please.

My son.

Oh, Will.

[Sobs]

[Sobs]

-[Coughs]

Mommy?

-Come here!

Is that really you?

Oh, look at you, oh, God, oh, baby.

-[Coughs] -Oh, baby.

-I got lost. -Oh, it's okay, baby.

It's okay, it's okay, baby.

It's okay, sweetheart.

It's okay, baby.

Let's go home.

[Clanging]

-Dylan?

-[Crying]

-[Gasps]

-[Screams]

[Door slams]

-[Screaming]

-Molly!

-Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Dylan.

-No.

-Dylan.

[Baby crying]

-[Whimpers]

-Oh, God.

-Grace wants me to carry her son.

-Who?

-That 15-year-old girl who tried to get rid of her baby.

This is her room.

-Molly, where are you getting this from?

-Connor and Jenna wouldn't help her, but you and I did.

I'm going to have her child.

-You brought us down here!

You fucked me!

You killed Dylan!

[Baby crying]

-[Gasps]

Molly! Molly!

Help me, Molly!

[Screams]

[Bones crack]

[Door creaks]

[Thud]

-[Humming melodically]

[Static crackles]

-So two of the stories have actually resolved.

The changeling story.

I guess the troll is relieved to be free of his overlord,

and so he gives the boy back to the mama in gratitude

for her accidentally killing him.

And then the ghost story. I don't get that one at all.

I mean, the ghost girl with the aborted baby

is luring people to the basement

so she can get two of the people to have sex there.

And they'll create a new baby.

And that's why she kills the males and lets the female go?

Is that it?

And she has supernatural powers,

and there are ghost nuns doing abortions down there.

-Nailed it. -Okay.

For me, the ghost sequence is the lamest of the four stories.

It seems cliched from the very beginning.

Looks like it's going to be some kind of found footage movie,

actually, with predictable, stereotypical characters.

But then the sheer talent of those three actors

kind of save it because Molly is played by

Zoé De Grand Maison, a Montreal actress

who's done a lot of TV.

Alex Ozerov plays Ben.

He's a Russian actor who migrated to Toronto

at the age of 13 and also works a lot in TV.

Shannon Kook plays Dylan.

Born and raised in Johannesburg, South Africa.

His mother is South African. His father is Mauritian.

From the Indian Ocean island nation of Mauritius.

And he was one of the Star Scholarship students

at the National Theater School of Canada.

Very accomplished in theater, martial arts, dance.

Probably the most experienced of those three young actors.

I hope all three of those actors got additional work

because of this movie.

And while we're talking about the acting,

the performance of William Shatner as

Dangerous Dan the deejay is kind of controversial.

I love the performance, but a lot of people do not.

I think he hits the part right in the center.

He's a dotty old timer, still doing a woefully

out of date radio show, and he needs alcohol

to get through the night.

Shatner was 84 when this came out.

And of course, this is not his first Canadian

rodeo because he was born in Montreal.

So he was constantly used in Canadian tax shelter movies

all through the '70s, '80s, and '90s.

Anyway, his delivery totally makes me laugh.

I think he's right on target, both with the acting

and with calibrating those levels of drunkenness.

All right, you still have time to order some

Ghoultide Get Together merch tonight with 100% of

the proceeds going to our four charities,

and the charity that's up to bat right now

is the Jeannette Rankin Foundation,

established by the first woman

elected to Congress to benefit older women

who are trying to get back to college and restart their lives.

They give these scholarships to a lot of single moms,

a lot of women who have survived domestic abuse,

a lot of women who have gotten trapped in situations

where they had to put other people

ahead of their own needs, and so they need a little

breathing space to get the degree

and have a better life.

So whether you buy the Ghoultide T-shirt

or the hoodie are the pint glasses

at the donation levels of $50, $100, and $150,

or participate in the Ghoultide auction

by bidding on the 20 items we have up tonight.

You'll be helping people,

and you'll be helping animals with your purchase.

Okay, Darcy, what's your verdict on Shatner?

-I mean, it's Shatner. He can do no wrong.

-Agreed. So, I mean, it's nice, you know,

when we actually agree on something.

-It happens. -Feels good.

We did not agree on my contention

that the Advent calendar

is a contraption designed for heart ache!

-No, we do not. -Heart ache I say!

Fortunately, we're almost finished

with the damn thing, so...

-I wish every month had an Advent calendar.

-Oh, yeah. Like Halloween?

Like a Halloween Advent calendar?

31 boxes on that one.

-Yes, we are so doing that.

-We're not doing that. -Ugh.

You are way too grumpy on Christmas.

-All right. I'm going to be enthusiastic

about these last three boxes.

I can't wait to see what's behind my next Advent door.

-Aw, then go ahead and find out.

-But I think Yuki, I still think Yuki is rigging the doors.

So, Yuki, are you changing the item

according to whether I go first or last?

-No.

-Because my gifts are kind of pitiful.

-Must be cheap items.

-Yes, we know that. Okay, I'm going to mix it up.

I'm going to go first, but I'm going to skip a door.

-Ooh. -So it should be 23.

But I'm going to open 24, and then you're going to open 23.

-Okay.

-If there's any hankie panky going on, this will expose it.

All right.

What is that?

-I think that's a lump of coal.

-I -- classic end.

To my Advent adventure.

[Laughter]

-And you get what? -Number 23.

-Okay. Oh, my fucking God.

[Laughter]

You know. -Aw!

-That's not a cheap item.

-It's beautiful. Yuki!

-$6. -Yuki, that is not $6.

-I have a connection in Japan.

-You have connections in Japan for jewelry.

All right. Really?

You know the owner of the Yokohama GRITS or something?

You know, I think it might be time

for the thrilling conclusion to "A Christmas Horror Story."

Roll the movie.

-[Laughs]

-You know, people love to rag on Shatner, you know?

Somehow he got this reputation

for charging the highest prices for autographs.

I mean, that is not even remotely true,

because I have seen events where he charges

as little as 60 bucks, which would --

that's high for people like us, you know?

But for an A-list star who's been around for 72 years?

Give me a break.

Robert Downey Jr. charges 700 bucks.

Natalie Portman charges 550 bucks.

Michael J. Fox charges $250.

Mark Hamill charges $300.

Shatner's autograph is basically what you already saved

by doing a Priceline hotel booking, so...

And while I'm on that subject,

isn't that the greatest commercial series ever?

I mean, I mean,

they just keep morphing that thing into new plot lines.

Is that still going on?

They just morph into new plot lines with that.

That ranks right up there with the GEICO cavemen, which,

I mean, the caveman part eventually petered out,

but the GEICO ad campaign kept going on.

Which ad campaign do you think is the greatest of all time?

The GEICO cavemen, or Shatner Priceline?

-I mean, I'm team Shatner.

-Who's the better spokesperson, Shatner or the GEICO lizard?

-Wow, it's tough to go up against the lizard,

but sorry, Ernie, it's got to be Shatner.

-Ernie actually has contempt for geckos

because Ernie is a bearded dragon.

So bearded dragons are the superior lizard.

But Shatner, though, he's always going to beat

a talking because it's like the difference

between CGI and practical effects.

You know, you get that realism with Shatner.

You know, like you think --

You kind of think that Shatner might really use Priceline.

-[Laughs]

-You know, instead of staying at the Ritz-Carlton,

like he could get in his contract.

Or maybe he uses Priceline to bid on rooms

at the Ritz-Carlton, but he starts

his bid at $1,000 because he's Shatner.

-Exactly.

[Laughter]

-Don't go away.

Joe Bob's Ghoultide Get Together will return in a moment.

[Static crackles]

-Big Briggs!

Your trusted ally over

at Big Briggs Furniture Outlet and more.

Primed and ready to save your kiester for

yet another Christmas.

Did you get stuck with Uncle Ted for your extended family

secret Santa?

Are you trying to woo the night attendant

at your local gas station?

Well, last minute gift givers breathe a sigh of relief

and feast your eyes on these tremendous gift ideas.

-Like this "I Spit On Your Grave" gift set.

Bring the magic of the movie home for the holidays

with a signed blu ray plus the original poster.

Or you could buy this lightly used Elvira

applause sign, modeled here by Darcy the Mail Girl.

Check out this smattering of great items

donated by Greg Nicotero, including an original

"Walking Dead" zombie prop crew jacket

and a number of unique autographed items.

Check our website for a full listing.

And for the Italian movie buff in your home,

how about this out of print blu ray of "Zombie 2"

with lenticular 3-D cover?

Signed by famous composer Fabio Frizzi

and lead actor Ian McCulloch.

-And anybody else you will scribbling on it.

Remember, anything's a stocking stuffer when you got big feet!

-♪ Big Briggs touch ♪

-♪ Touch ♪

-♪ Get your home with Big Briggs touch ♪

[Static crackles]

[Growling, screaming]

[Panting]

[Growling]

-Aunt Edda!

[Growling]

Edda!

Edda, let me in!

Aunt Edda!

Edda!

Don't leave me out here!

Edda!

Edda, help me!

[Rustling]

-[Growling]

-[Screams]

-[Roars]

[Screeches]

[Growling]

-Merry Christmas, motherfucker!

-[Growling]

[Groans]

-It is almost dawn.

We will be safe.

-Shouldn't we try and fix this to trap him again?

-Whatever do you mean?

-Well, isn't that how he got out?

When Duncan broke it?

-Oh, no, dear. This is just an ornament.

-Then how did Gerhart turn into it?

-Krampus is a Christmas spirit.

And like your father said,

the Christmas spirit can fill anyone.

But if your heart is blackened with anger

and vindictiveness, then this spirit

will fill it until you become a hellish beast.

A hunter of the wicked.

Gerhart's anger let it in and...

-He came after us.

-Mm.

-So you kicked Gerhart out after you kicked us out.

Then you put the cross on the door

to protect yourself from Krampus, right?

-Yes.

-That's why you sent us away.

-What?

-You knew my fucked up family would be

shark bait for that thing, so you got rid of us.

-Wait, it isn't like that at all.

-Sure it is!

You thought Gerhart was gonna turn

so you sent us away knowing that he would come after us.

-Oh. -You sacrificed us for Krampus

to save your selfish old ass!

-Oh, please, please, now calm yourself.

You don't know the forces that you are playing with.

-Yes, I do.

-No!

-And I know something else.

You've been a bad girl.

[Growling]

-Mother of God!

-[Roars] -[Screams]

-Police are telling people just to stay away.

All right? Just keep clear of the mall.

And I know a lot of you are worried about your friends

and family.

Well, the best thing you can do is just stay put.

And pray for a Christmas miracle.

Still no word on how many hostages

there may be down there, but, uh, just stay at home.

For the love of God.

[Chains rattling]

-[Groans]

[Clangs]

Is that you, dear?

[Sighs]

Who's there?

Ah!

Martha, is that you?

-Leave me alone.

-It's safe now.

It's over.

-It's not over!

[Groans]

-Oh.

-[Whimpering]

Oh, my darling.

-[Whimpering]

[Growls]

-[Groans]

[Bones crack]

[Wind whistling]

[Rattling]

[Growling]

-Who's there?

[Rattling]

[Wind whistling]

[Growling]

[Clangs]

[Clangs]

[Growling]

-I knew it.

Krampus!

Vile enemy of Christmas.

-[Roars]

-We end this tonight.

-[Growling]

[Grunting]

-[Growling]

[Grunting]

[Grunts]

[Groans]

-[Roars]

[Growling]

-Ah!

-Norman, stop!

Please don't kill me, Norman.

-Norman?

Who's Norman?

-What the fuck is wrong with you, Norman?

[Christmas music playing softly]

[Whimpering]

[High pitched ringing]

-Martha, is that you?

-Leave me alone. -It's only me.

-[Screeches]

-[Grunts]

Ah!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Fuck!

[Sighs]

[Chuckles]

Ho ho ho!

It's time.

-Freeze! Put your hands up now!

-Ahhh!

[Siren wails]

[Police radio chatter]

-Ah!

[Gunshots]

[Grunts]

[Gunshots]

[Siren wails]

[Siren wailing]

[Police radio chatter]

[Groans]

-What the hell is it about Christmas in Bailey Downs?

Are we cursed or something?

Why does this season of love and peace and goodwill

keep ending in blood and death and horror?

You keep the spirit in your hearts, you hear me, people?

You hug your loved ones, and you keep them close,

and you treat them every Christmas

like it might be your last.

♪♪

-♪ Dashing through the snow ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Over the fields we go ♪

♪ Laughing all the way ♪

♪ Bells on bobtails ring ♪

♪ Making spirits bright ♪

♪ What fun it is to ride and sing ♪

♪ A sleighing song tonight ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

-Let's go to the phones.

-Hey look, if they just had more police training,

then stuff like this...

-You think more police can do anything, man?

Are you -- It's Christmas!

There are magical dark forces out there.

People, wake up!

It's a beautiful season.

It's light, and it's dark, and it's yin and it's yang.

For our Asian friends out there, and you know who you are.

I said Asian, right? I didn't say Oriental, right?

Well, I don't know!

You tell me which is offensive.

I'm a Christmas expert.

It's 11 lords a-leapin' and 10 maids a-milkin'.

No, no, no, don't go to...

Don't you Google that!

I hate it!

We as a society can't go five minutes

without looking up a... -[Buzzing]

-No, wait a minute, somebody's texting me.

It's 11 pipers piping. I'm way off, I'm sorry.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

♪ Horse open sleigh ♪

-♪ It's Christmas Eve ♪

♪ All who believe ♪

♪ Santa is here ♪

♪ But once a year ♪

♪ All girls and boys ♪

♪ Dream of new toys ♪

♪ Soundly they sleep ♪

♪ Wishes to keep ♪

♪ Jing jing-a-ling ♪

♪ Come hear us sing ♪

♪ Wreaths on the door ♪

♪ Stockings and more ♪

♪ Magic is thrive ♪

♪ Spells come alive ♪

♪ Snow in the air ♪

♪ Laughter to share ♪

♪ Family and friends ♪

♪ Season to glens ♪

♪ Joyful and dear ♪

♪ End of the year ♪

♪ 'Tis a very fun and special Christmas ♪

♪ 'Tis a very fun and special Christmas ♪

♪ It's Christmas Eve ♪

♪ All who believe ♪

♪ Santa is here ♪

♪ But once a year ♪

♪ All girls and boys ♪

♪ Dream of new toys ♪

♪ Soundly they sleep ♪

♪ Wishes to keep ♪

♪ Jing jing-a-ling ♪

♪ Come hear us sing ♪

♪ Wreaths on the door ♪

♪ Stockings and more ♪

♪ Magic is thrive ♪

♪ Spells come alive ♪

♪ Snow in the air ♪

♪ Laughter to share ♪

♪ Dark winter skies ♪

♪ Spirits throughout ♪

♪ Changelings appear ♪

♪ Demons are here ♪

♪ It's Christmas Eve ♪

♪ All who believe ♪

♪ Santa is here ♪

♪ But once a year ♪

♪ All girls and boys ♪

♪ Dream of new toys ♪

♪ Soundly they sleep ♪

♪ Wishes to keep ♪

♪ Jing jing-a-ling ♪

♪ Come hear us sing ♪

♪ Wreaths on the door ♪

♪ Stockings and more ♪

♪ Magic is thrive ♪

♪ Spells come alive ♪

♪ Snow in the air ♪

♪ Laughter to share ♪

♪ Wreaths on the door ♪

♪ Stockings and more ♪

♪ Magic is thrive ♪

♪ Spells come alive ♪

[Choir chanting]

♪♪

♪ It's Christmas Eve ♪

♪ All who believe ♪

♪ Santa is here ♪

♪ But once a year ♪

♪ All girls and boys ♪

♪ Dream of new toys ♪

♪ Soundly they sleep ♪

♪ Wishes to keep ♪

♪ Magic is thrive ♪

♪ Spells come alive ♪

♪ Snow in the air ♪

♪ Laughter to share ♪

[Static crackles]

-I love that twist ending, and I love that final battle royale

between Santa and Krampus.

That's the one they filmed in the barn when

it was 20 below.

Two great stunt performers, one in his '60s

and one in his '40s, duking it out in a ballet

of gore and violence.

In the other story, though,

where Caprice kills Krampus

with the pole through the throat,

I thought that was a little too fast and a little too easy.

She happens to find a pole lying around.

Then she happens to immediately find a lighter

to burn Krampus up with.

I mean, nobody can ever find a lighter.

There is never a lighter around.

Too much movie convenience

in the actual killing of Krampus.

I have a lighter.

It's a lame lighter.

Anyway, so a Christmas horror story premiered at

Fantasia, the big Montreal genre fest, in 2015.

Which can't be right because -- that can't be right because

it was out for Christmas 2014.

So anyway, either 2014 or 2015, and then it went pretty quickly

to video.

If you bought it at Walmart, it had a different title.

Walmart wouldn't carry it

unless the title was changed to "Holiday Horror Story."

I guess the word "Christmas" is reserved for Hallmark movies,

at least at Walmart.

But it did not take the horror community

by storm, as they thought it would.

And it certainly was not because it's not really well done.

It's well directed. It's beautifully photographed.

The acting is superb.

Besides everyone that I mentioned before,

they had Jeff Clark as Taylor,

the head of the family that gets attacked by Krampus,

veteran character actor.

He's been in "Fargo", "Mad Men",

and his wife was played by Michelle Nolden,

well known Toronto actress, and the guy who played Big Earl,

the owner of the troll farm,

he's one of the hardest working guys in Canada.

200 movies, TV shows going back to 1984.

A.C. Peterson, who teaches acting in Vancouver,

that's the guy's name.

Julian Richings played Gerhardt, the guy who turns into Krampus.

Big experimental theater guy in Toronto.

Teaches there. British actor.

So here's my theory about why this movie did not become

a standard at Christmas time.

There's something cold at the heart of it.

We don't care enough about the characters when they die.

And admittedly, it's tough to establish deep character

when you're doing four stories

and you have that many characters to develop.

The one that got to me the most was Scott,

the dad in the changeling story.

But the rest of the kills were kind of emotionless.

I connected with George Buza as Santa.

But then when you find out he's really a crazed weatherman

in a Santa suit, you kind of feel sorry for him.

So it's one of those movies that extremely

well executed, but it never makes that emotional connection.

What do you think, Darcy?

-That ending is amazing.

Your mind goes back over all the things Shatner said,

and you can see that it all actually fits together.

-So you think it should be regular viewing

at Christmas time?

-I mean, it's no "Santa's Slay",

but, yeah, top 10 for sure.

-Okay, well, I want to remind everybody

that you can continue to bid on the charity auction until

December the 24th.

And you can buy the T-shirt, the hoodie, the pint glasses,

all that Fright Rag stuff up until the same date.

And we're heading for new records

in Christmas spirit fundraising.

Okay, what do you want to do first here?

Should we finish with the Advent calendar?

Because I know you're gonna -- you're not going to nuke me

with a letter, are you?

I am not -- I'm gonna tell you right now, I'm not going

to cry on camera this year.

No matter what you bring, so you always bring me

some incredibly emotional letter at Christmas.

-It's not too bad.

-Not too bad? That is a bad answer, Darcy.

Okay. All right, let's finish up the Advent calendar

before we go there. -Okay.

-Go ahead and check door number 25.

And door number 25 is...

-Empty. -Nothing.

Yuki, what the fuck?

This was the big reveal.

-Sorry. -Aw, it's okay.

-$6 -All right.

So, Yuki, um...

[Laughter]

I'm not an expert on the Advent calendar,

but I think the whole idea is for the gifts to be concealed

and then revealed, not handed to me at the last minute.

-Sorry.

-Anyway, so this is Saint Nicholas

praying at the manger.

Wait, that's impossible.

How could Saint Nicholas be praying at the manger?

-Aw, that's beautiful.

-There were no saints when the baby is born.

You know, you can't have saints until you have Christianity.

So, weird.

Yuki, do even know the Christmas story?

-Yes. From Tokyo Disneyland.

-Oh, okay, great.

Well, I'm sure they tell it just exactly as it happened.

That was a wonderful experiment in Yuletide fun.

I will treasure these memories forever.

-Me too. -I think we're going to

auction this off, aren't we? -Really?

-We're going to auction this off

because we're not going to deal with this anymore.

-Okay.

-So this will be another auction item.

And so I was actually being sarcastic about, you know --

-I know, but I'm not.

-Okay. All right. Hit me with the letter.

-You got it.

Here you go.

It's from The Ghoul in Colcord, Oklahoma.

-Colcord, Oklahoma.

Do we know The Ghoul's real name?

-We do, but he wanted to be anonymous.

It's kind of a group letter.

-Okay.

"Dear Joe Bob and Darcy,

the moment at the drive in came back, our little

horror group was so happy to be able to enjoy

the B-horror goodness.

But out of all of us, Dustin was the most excited.

Unfortunately, we lost Dustin, and he's no longer with us.

But he watched your shows from the very beginning.

He was a true drive in mutant through and through.

He had literal hard drives full of the old shows.

Every time the Drive In came on, we would all get into

a group chat and sing along with the theme song.

We'd get our drinks together and our snacks

and just rock out with you all.

He always kept the conversation going and loved to screen shot

the totals to make sure that we all saw them.

He laughed when J.B. --"

[Sighs]

-I'm sorry.

Merry Christmas.

"He laughed when J.B. would go into a rant.

He would always try to guess Darcy's cosplay for the movie."

[Sighs]

Stop it.

[Laughter]

"He loved you guys so much.

Ever since he passed away, our group hasn't been the same.

We still watch the Drive In.

But we always have him in our hearts."

[Sighs]

"When --

Whenever we try to watch a new movie,

the first thought is, Dustin would have loved this.

He is very much missed.

Thank you for keeping the Drive In alive

and for all the years of joy.

Have a beer for Dustin.

He will never be forgotten because the drive in

is forever.

A fan for life, The Ghoul."

All right, what is Dustin's full name? Do you know?

-Wait a minute. We have a picture.

Austin, can you put that up for us?

-Yeah. -We met Justin at Spooky Empire.

It's Dustin. Dustin Patterson.

-Dustin Patterson. Oh, God.

He was so young.

Alright, I remember, that was in Tampa when

I did the Joker, and you did Harley Quinn, right?

-Yeah, he died a little bit after that picture was taken.

-All right. Damn. Why do I let you do this to me?

All right. Take a beer.

-Why?

We're going to do a toast.

Here's to you, Dustin.

-Yeah. -We love you.

We remember you, and that was depressing and a wake up call

because you can never take our friends for granted, you know?

One thing this show has taught me

is that we often don't know who our friends are

until something like this happens.

All right. -Okay.

I admit I kind of tricked you with that one.

-Kind of tricked me. Okay.

-But let me give you another one

that's not about death.

It's about life.

And we can end Christmas in that way.

-Okay, good. Good idea. All right.

Who's it from?

-It is from Sarah Beth Lowe of Morehead, Kentucky.

-All right.

-Alright, Sarah.

"Dear Joe Bob, Darcy, and Last Drive In crew,

like many viewers, I have had the pleasure

of growing up watching you, Joe Bob.

Many nights, me and my mother would stay up

eating a tray of crackers and bologna,

taking in "MonsterVision."

It was a perfect escape from the harsh realities

of our little Appalachian life.

When you returned to Shudder, I needed an escape

more than ever as my ovarian cancer had returned.

I felt lost, afraid, and alone.

I've always said nothing is more terrifying than the truth,

which is why horror has been the best vacation from chemo.

Thankfully, I was able to spend a couple of years in remission

and enjoy watching my godson grow up

and meet you a couple of times

and share spooky movies with my nearest and dearest.

Unfortunately, in August of 2022,

my cancer returned in my liver

and right lung, and my doctor broke the news

that I am now terminal."

-I'm sorry. -Darcy.

-I've been given an estimate of two to four years remaining.

Thinking of what I want to do with that time

has been difficult, but at the end of the day,

all my wild thoughts involve three things --

being with family, living freely,

and keeping things creepy.

All of this is to say I owe you, Darcy, and the crew

huge thanks.

Thank you for bringing me new friends

through the mutant family, reminding me

of what it feels like to laugh against all odds,

staying true to the art.

None of us are promised tomorrow.

And I do believe life

is all about the feelings we create in others.

You guys have left a permanent mark on who I am,

one I hope will leave a stain on those I love.

May the drive in and those who love it never truly die.

Sincerely, Sarah Beth."

That's Sarah Beth Low of Morehead, Kentucky.

And, God, I hate cancer.

And this is one you chose to cheer up with.

-Yeah. -From the last one.

-Her attitude and her love.

-Well, okay, grab another beer then, or keep that.

-I've got this one. -All right. So let's toast.

Sarah Beth Lowe of Morehead, Kentucky.

And let's toast her doctors, actually.

And...

Let's try to get her to the 2023 Drive In Jamboree.

How about that?

Let us know, Sarah Beth, if you're feeling

well enough to go.

We want you at the 2023 jamboree.

Okay. You've totally destroyed me.

And I'm to be all over social media the next few days.

I know you will be, too, pumping up these auction items,

making sure everybody knows about our fundraising,

trying to get rid of this thing.

And with that, I'm going to sign off.

This is Joe Bob Briggs and Darcy the Mail Girl

reminding you that if something goes without saying, let it.

And the drive in will never die.

Whew. I had jokes, but you've, like, you know.

-It's been a night. -I'll try anyway.

All right? -Okay.

-Alright.

Jesus and the disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus says, "Table for 26, please."

And the maitre d says, "But I don't understand.

There's only 13 of you.

Jesus says, "Yeah, but we're all going to sit on the same side."

[Laughter]

Should I stop there?

Okay, I'm going to do one more. I'm gonna one more.

That one failed, so I'll do one more.

Couple are driving to the church

where they're going to be married that day,

and they get in a fatal car accident.

And so they end up sitting next to each other

at the pearly gates waiting for Saint Peter to process them.

And they start wondering, could we go ahead

and get married in Heaven?

So Peter shows up, and they ask him that question.

And he says, "I don't know. That's the first time

that's ever come up, so let me go find out."

So he leaves, and the couple sits there

waiting for him to come back.

Two months pass.

Peter still hadn't come back.

So while they're waiting, they start wondering

what would happen if their marriage didn't work out.

Could you also get a divorce in heaven?

So another month passes and Saint Peter finally comes back.

He looks worn out, bedraggled, and he says,

"I got your answer.

Yes, you can get married in Heaven."

And the couple says, "Great, but we were also wondering,

we had one more question.

What if the marriage doesn't work out?

Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

And Saint Peter goes into a rage.

He just slams his clipboard down on the ground,

and the couple say, "What's wrong?"

And he says, "Come on.

It took me three months to find a priest up here.

Do you have any idea how long

it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"

[Laughter]

-Cheers.

♪♪