Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ Hey, everybody, have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in, hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies, so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties, boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪♪

-Merry Christmas, everybody.

Our official countdown to Christmas continues tonight

with "The Nine Kittens of Christmas,"

followed by "Christmas in Tahoe,"

followed by "Next Stop, Christmas,"

and then "Christmas CEO,"

"Sister Swap: A Hometown Holiday,"

"A Christmas Treasure."

It's a marathon tonight.

"The Santa Stakeout,"

"An Unexpected Christmas,"

and one of my personal favorites,

"Christmas at Castle Hart."

I love that part where Brooke goes to Ireland

and she gets mistaken for an event planner

and she ends up doing the Christmas party

at the Earl of Glaslough's castle.

Oh, wait, did I get confused?

This is not the year we're doing the Hallmark Christmas marathon?

Damn! You need to correct me, Darcy,

when I go psycho during the holidays.

You know, there's so much pressure on me, I can't even --

-I will admit that I have seen

some of those Hallmark movies.

-You've seen those? Darcy the Mail Girl,

ladies and gentlemen, here to field your holiday

missives throughout the evening.

They start in July on Hallmark, right?

They celebrate Christmas on Hallmark

10 months a year.

You know, they take off two months to do Valentine's Day,

but then they're right back on Christmas.

-Pretty much. Yeah. -Alright.

We, on the other hand, are celebrating

"Joe Bob's Ghoultide Get-Together" tonight,

which means we're about to watch a movie

that has been called the sleaziest,

most cynical Christmas movie ever made.

-Heck, yeah!

-I know you love the scuzzy side of life, Darcy.

-Yes, I do. -And I know you love London.

-I have a total London fetish.

-And so if you combine London and lowlifes

and drunk drug-dealing Santas and prostitution

and orgies and mistletoe, what do you get?

-"Don't Open Till Christmas." -That's right.

-I don't watch it everyyear, but I love it.

-Alright. Have yourself a sleazy little Christmas.

That's what we're doing.

But first, before we get to that,

I need to point out that in keeping with

our Cruel Yule tradition, we will be raising money

for charities throughout the evening.

We set a fundraising record last year.

We were just gangbusters, and I want to break

that record this year. -Thank you for that.

-The four charities are always chosen

to fit the Christmas story narrative,

the nativity story. So we always have one for women,

one for children, um, a charity for animals,

and one for out-- just outcasts, misfits,

people society tends to shun or forget about in general.

And so this year, the women's charity

is the Jeannette Rankin Foundation.

Um, they give this special kind of scholarship

for women over 35 years old who don't have a college degree,

but they're too poor to go back to college.

So they make it possible for them to stop working long enough

to get a degree and restart their lives.

-That's awesome. -The children's charity

is the March of Dimes.

Now, their original mission was the eradication of polio.

Their main mission today is the eradication of birth defects.

Um, our animal charity is the Thoroughbred Aftercare Alliance.

They fund hundreds of local organizations

that are involved in taking care of racehorses

after their careers are over.

And our charity for the disenfranchised

is the Motion Picture & Television Fund,

the nonprofit that runs the retirement home

for actors down on their luck in Woodland Hills, California.

It was founded by Mary Pickford 100 years ago.

So I'll have more to say about the charities

as the night goes on.

But there are two ways you can pitch in and participate.

And the first is to buy these cool premium items

that were specially made for the occasion.

Our friends at Fright Rags in Rochester made these.

We have "The Last Drive-In" T-shirt.

It's a special "Ghoultide Get-Together"

T-shirt at the $50 level,

and then at the 100 level,

we have "The Last Drive-In" hoodie.

And it's not as cool as your hoodie. Almost, though.

And at the 150 level, we have something new.

We have "Last Drive-In" pint glasses.

-Sweet! -They call them pint glasses.

That's a Brit thing. -Perfect.

-So you get all three at the 150 level.

So that's the first way you can join us.

Now, for those of you who want to have

even more charity fun, we're going to be offering

20 -- count 'em, 20 auction items tonight,

memorabilia from the show, um,

crap from -- I mean, memorabilia from other shows,

horror goodies, horror experiences.

And we've already shot the commercials for them.

And they'll be interspersed throughout the evening.

And you can go to our website, read more about each item,

bid on the items.

And those bids can continue through Christmas Eve

so that people who are not watching the live feed

can also get involved.

Um, our little mutant family, we outdid ourselves last year.

I want to keep that momentum going, though.

Okay. Is that everything? We have a lot to do tonight, so.

-Oh, that is not everything.

-What did I leave out? -The Advent calendar.

-Oh, this big thing here. Oh, yeah, um.

-Yes.

-Alright. Explain the Advent calendar.

Is that a Catholic thing?

'Cause I grew up Baptist. We didn't have Advent calendars.

-The Advent calendar is a wall calendar

that has 25 boxes on it,

one box for every day leading up to Christmas.

So every single day in December, you open up one of the boxes

and you get a little surprise.

-Okay, what kind of surprise? -It can be anything.

-Okay. So...

-We did it all the time when I was a kid.

-Irish Catholic, though, right?

You know, yet you ended up in South Carolina. That's --

-They have a lot of Catholics in South Carolina.

-Alright. They have a lot of everything in South Carolina.

South Carolina is a great state.

They have mail girls from South Carolina. Okay.

-So at various times tonight,

we're going to open a door on the calendar

and we'll alternate.

One gift for me and one gift for you.

-Okay. -Cool.

-We'll honor ancient South Carolina Catholic practices

later tonight.

But so that this intro doesn't go on for three more hours,

it's time for the Joe Bob Briggs Christmas message.

-Wait, I thought you were saving that

for the end this time.

-Yeah, it's the Christmas season.

People -- People have eggnog in the house.

We need to grab them when they're sober, so.

-You are not going to quote Scripture again, are you?

-When did I quote Scripture?

-When you talked about Charlie Brown and Linus

at the Christmas marathon.

-Oh, yeah, I did. I quoted Scripture.

Okay. No Scripture. No Scripture tonight.

-Thank you. Thank you.

-Alright. But Christmas is all about the baby Jesus.

That's what -- -Christmas is about many things.

-Okay. But it starts with the baby Jesus.

And so each year I take one aspect of the baby

Jesus story, and I turn it into a Christmas message.

-Yes, you do. -Okay. So this year,

I want to talk about being a stranger, okay.

Because almost everybody in the Christmas story

is a stranger, like the wise men.

Where the fuck did those guys come from? You know?

Babylon, India. I've read a lot of different theories.

You know, weirdo astrologers following a star.

They just show up saying, "Hey, Mary, can we give

some gifts to the baby?"

And if Mary is like most moms, she said,

"Well, let me take a look at those gifts first.

But yeah, okay. You can." You know?

So and then -- Wait a minute.

Myrrh. Is that stuff organic?

You know, 'cause, you know, Mary would be protective.

Then you got the shepherds in the fields, right?

There's some more strangers

showing up with their shepherd staffs.

You know, "Oh, we had this supernatural thing

happen out here. Can we look in that barn?"

And they go, "Yeah, okay, sheep guys, come on in.

It already smells bad in here. Come on in."

And then Mary and Joseph,

they're already strangers, right?

No room at the inn, right?

They just came 97 fucking miles on a donkey

to be treated like freeloaders in Bethlehem.

So from the very beginning,

we got miracles happening among strangers.

And then Jesus himself. He's never had a house.

Always a stranger, relied on strangers

to give him a place to sleep. Had 12 friends, but, you know,

they turned out to suck as friends

when he needed them the most, so.

So even they were strangers.

So the whole story is about being poor, being alone,

needing other people to survive.

Oh, King Herod. He wants to kill the baby Jesus.

So the baby Jesus' life

is literally in the hands of all these strangers.

You know? One stranger tells Herod where he is,

and there's no baby Jesus anymore.

So, alright. So a lot of Christianity

is about taking care of strangers.

A lot of other religions too, but especially Christianity.

You know, the poor, the weak, the orphans,

the dispossessed, people sleeping at the bus station.

Right? People kicked out of wherever.

And I'm going to relate to this something --

I'm going to relate this to something

that I have noticed just this past year

'cause I know we're running long,

but I -- We travel all over.

Small towns, big cities.

If we hadn't been to your town yet,

we'll probably be there soon. And I always ask people,

you know, how you doing in life?

How you doing with your job? Whatever.

And a whole bunch of them lately are saying,

"I can't take it here anymore. I'm moving."

And it's always for different reasons.

It's never the same reason.

But when you get down to the essence of it,

they're saying, "I can't stand these people in Kentucky.

I'm moving to Vermont,"

or "I can't stand these people in California.

I'm moving to Texas"

or, you know, "I got a great job offer.

But it's -- it's in Alabama. I just don't think I can do that"

or "I'm going to try to get Canadian citizenship.

I can't stand the politics here" of wherever, Florida, Oregon,

wherever these intense arguments

are taking place about the issues of the day.

So all I have to say about that on this day

when God supposedly brought love into the world

is that running away from people who annoy you

or don't agree with you or fight with you

so you can be with people who are, in your view,

sensible just results in everybody living in tribes.

And Jesus came to break apart the tribes

and tell us to sacrifice one for another.

So sacrifice for the stranger.

Christmas is when you reach across to these annoying people

and you say, "Let's be brothers and sisters."

So if you can't do that, you're nothing but an algorithm

waiting on a computer to tell you where to live.

Now, I want to relate that observation

to a story that takes place in West Texas in 1890.

I'm almost done. Don't look at me like that.

I'm almost done. Alright.

In 1890, West Texas was always a hard country.

People don't -- People don't go to West Texas.

I mean, even today and in those days, you did not go there

unless you had no place else to go.

You had people from the East Coast,

you had people from the West Coast,

a lot of people from England, a lot of people from Ireland,

and even more people from Mexico that were always living there.

And so you had the -- and you had the military out there.

You had all these forts, and you had cowboys out there

'cause they had so much cattle.

So in fact, the cowboys are pretty much the ultimate

strangers 'cause they're loners.

You know, they just signed up for these awful jobs.

And so in 1890, a cowboy preacher out there

named William P. Bloys, he discerns

there's a lot of lonely people out here on the ranches

and the open ranges and the cavalry outposts.

In fact, among other things, William P. Bloys,

he was the chaplain to the Buffalo Soldiers,

African-American cavalry.

They were stationed out there at Fort Davis.

So he sets up a camp where they butcher some beef cattle

and they put up some tents on a dirt road.

For you Texans out there, it's about halfway between

um, Fort Davis and Valentine,

um, if you know the Davis Mountains area,

Skillman Grove, and William P. Bloys

says, "All strangers come here.

The food is free. Campus free. Maybe you won't feel so lonely."

And he establishes what's called the Bloys Camp Meeting.

They have had it there every year for 133 years now.

They still have it.

Not a single dollar has ever been spent

at the Bloys Camp Meeting because everything is free,

and they don't care if you're Anglo or Mexican

or atheist or Catholic or whatever.

The barbecue is for you, the stranger,

the campus for you. The guys that work on Amtrak,

they still talk about the time

when the Sunset Limited went off the tracks

about 20 miles east of Sanderson,

which is just about the loneliest part of West Texas.

And the passengers had to spend three days in the wilds

of West Texas, outside Sanderson.

There aren't any hotels in Sanderson

or anywhere close to Sanderson.

So what happened?

All these cowboys show up on horseback,

and they do an impromptu Bloys Camp Meeting.

They brought a couple of sides of beef.

They put up some tents. They fed everybody.

The lady showed up with the fixins,

and everybody decided to just stay till the train was fixed.

You know, I've been to the Bloys Camp Meeting

and I've -- and also I've heard many sermons

from the preachers of West Texas

'cause that's where I'm from.

I've heard them in Lubbock and Midland and Crosbyton

and Marfa and Amarillo and Springlake and Earth.

I lived in Earth for a -- Earth, Texas.

And they all talk about taking care of strangers

'cause they're all in favor --

in favor of faith-based solutions to human problems.

They always use that word, "faith-based."

And I kind of like that word 'cause once you say that word,

it means, "Okay, now we have to talk about Jesus."

Stranger taking care of strangers.

So let's just think about that

this Christmas when we meet people in town,

we disagree with, strangers.

Sometimes strangers in our own families. Okay?

And we think about running away to some other state

instead of breaking out the barbecue

and having a party with people we don't understand yet.

And that's all I have to say about that. Okay.

Darcy, end of Christmas message. Was that terrible?

-Not at all. -Okay.

And by the way, when I say break out the barbecue,

it can be Impossible Barbecue.

We don't have to kill any cattle.

I mean, even outlaws and vegans

are welcome at the Bloys Camp Meeting.

-Thank you. I am going to remember that.

-Alright. "Don't Open Till Christmas,"

the story of a London psycho killer who's murdering anybody

who puts on a Santa Claus suit at Christmastime,

and Scotland Yard is flummoxed. Flummoxed, I say.

Apparently, they don't do a lot of drug and alcohol

screening before hiring department store

Santas in London or street corner Santas

or dance party Santas in London.

And a lot of the movie takes place in Soho

back when it was really, really nasty,

sort of like Times Square was in the '80s.

And some of the Santas like to take their lunch

breaks at live peep shows.

You know, those places like the old Show World

where the girls get naked behind a glass wall?

Who's killing all the Santas? Is it a maniac cop?

Is it the flute-playing busker? You know what a busker is?

Not many people do. It means -- It's like a hippie

who plays the flute on the corner for money.

So is it the weirdo porn photographer?

Is it Edmund Purdom, the matinee idol of the early '50s,

who plays a police inspector

while making his directorial debut

in "Don't Open Till Christmas"?

Is it the vengeance-seeking daughter

of a Santa killed at a disco party?

There are Christmas movies with great production values.

There are Christmas movies with stunning cinematography.

There are Christmas movies with memorable performances

that last a lifetime.

And then there's "Don't Open Till Christmas."

A movie that had four directors and, uh, to tell you the truth,

they still needed one more director.

But you probably won't be able

to figure out the plot of the movie,

but the plot of the making of the movie will explain

why you can't figure out the plot of the movie.

And that's what I'm here for. So I call this a sleaze classic,

a movie so sleazy and so full of "what the fuck" moments

that you end up loving it.

So let's look at those Drive-In Totals and get started.

We have 14 breasts...

Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Belinda Mayne

as Kate for saying

"My father's just been murdered, I can't concentrate,"

Gerry Sundquist as the annoying flute-playing boyfriend,

Alan Lake as Giles, the creepy tabloid reporter who says,

"You're all the same, aren't ya?

Selling little pieces of yourself.

You're selling your souls."

Kevin Lloyd as Gerry,

the porn photographer who likes to take nude models

out into the cold for better nipple shots.

Pat Astley as Sharon,

the nude model who says "His eyes, they seem to smile."

Kelly Baker as the only sex worker

final girl in horror history, and Dick Randall,

the producer for spending two years hiring new people

so that this could approximate

the shape of a real movie.

Three stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

Alright.

You know, Santa Claus, since we're showing this

in London, Santa Claus

is something we exported to England

'cause they originally just had Father Christmas.

You know, Father Christmas.

He had a green coat. He looked kind of cadaverous.

You know, he was ugly.

And in the 19th century, we said -- We Americans said,

"Nah, we want him to be fat and jolly

and give out presents to kids." -Yeah!

-And so in one of the few instances

of reverse culture transfer,

where it goes from America back across the pond,

the new myth trampled over the old myth.

'Cause Father Christmas, he lives in Finland.

You know? Santa Claus lives at the North Pole,

which is actually impossible

since that's shifting ice floes up there.

But, you know, who wants a guy from Finland

to come to your house in the middle of the night?

I mean, nothing against Finland. I love the Finns.

Maila Nurmi. You know. Vampira. She was Finnish, so.

In fact, there are many famous Finns like...

I don't know. They all live in Minnesota.

They take a lot of saunas.

They -- They eat herring fish and, um, sautéed reindeer.

They have sautéed blood dumpling soup.

See, that's why we have no Finnish restaurants.

We would know about the Finns more if we could eat their food,

but nobody says, "Hey, let's eat Finnish tonight," you know,

'cause, you know -- They're nice people, though.

They're -- They're in NATO now. So if anybody ever invades us,

the Finns will show up, you know, to help out.

So they might bring Viking weaponry or something,

you know, halberds, you know, maces, battle axes, whatever.

-Wait. Vampira was Finnish?

-Thank you, Darcy. Yes, she was.

I lost my way there for a moment,

but yes, Vampira was Finnish.

♪♪

-Don't go away. "Joe Bob's Ghoultide Get-Together"

will return in a moment.

Now for a word from tonight's sponsors.

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make your derriere say, au contraire?

Are you too ashamed to invite friends

over to swig malt liquor in front of your double wide?

Then come on down to Big Briggs

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We got chairs.

Your ears do not deceive you.

Chairs, thrones for the man who has it all

and the woman who deserves better.

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Put 'em in your last will and testament.

Leave behind an heirloom for the cheeks you cherish the most.

Heck, I'll even sell you my own damn chair.

You know it's battle-tested to the maximum

by my gluteus maximus.

Whether your buttocks need a breather

or you got to breathe new life into your midlife crisis,

Big Briggs has got your booty covered, buddy.

-♪ Big Briggs touch ♪

♪♪

-This Christmas. something big is coming.

♪♪

[Woman screams]

They're finally here and not a moment too soon.

Mean, lean and ready.

It's Joe Bob and Darcy the Mail Girl.

[Growling]

-Duty calls, Darcy.

-Of course.

-Now with nut-cracking fu action.

[Cracking]

They'll bring on the Christmas cheer or else.

-Ernie, did I ever tell you the one about the Catholic

one-eyed middle school bus driver?

-Joe Bob Briggs and Darcy the Mail Girl nutcrackers

not sold separately or any lizard not included.

[Static]

[Footsteps approach]

-Sorry I'm late, darling. Mm.

Mmm.

-[Heavy breathing]

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

[Breathing continues]

♪♪

-Get away. Go on. Clear off.

-Oh, forget about him.

♪♪

[Breathing continues]

♪♪

-What the hell is going on? -Come back.

-Get out. Go on. Fuck off!

Ugh! -Aah!

[Screaming]

♪♪

No!

♪♪

[Slow music plays]

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations, dance music playing]

♪♪

-In passing sentence upon you --

-Daddy, we're on.

-Oh, how do I look?

-Well, too much rouge, not enough eyebrows.

-Oh!

-I'll do it.

-[Sighs]

I should look like a gay old queen.

-Let's get the show on the road, folks!

-Take that perfectly awful thing off.

-Well, how we doing? Are you ready?

-What do you think?

-Hmm. Looks like a gay old queen to me.

-[Laughs] That's a great help.

-Shouldn't worry about it, though.

It's turning into an orgy out there.

-You should be so lucky. -Hey, watch out for the guy

who's come as a shrunken head.

Real gruesome looking, putting people off their food.

[Party horn blares]

-Daddy, isn't that a bit over the top?

-Do you mind? This is an integral part of my act.

-Right. I'm going to introduce you.

Hello! Merry Christmas, everyone.

-Merry Christmas!

-Now, ladies and gentlemen,

if I could just have your attention for a few moments.

The time has come to introduce

our special guest for the evening.

Flown in all the way from...

-Greenland on his flying reindeer.

-Santa Claus!

[Cheers and applause]

[Party horn blares]

-Ho, ho, ho!

I come not empty-handed.

-Good!

-Laden with gifts for you all.

[Crowd cheers]

The only trouble is I can't read the labels

without me specs.

[Laughter]

[Party horn blares]

[Ominous music plays]

-Aaah!

♪♪

-Oh, Daddy!

♪♪

-Oh, my God!

♪♪

-Thanks very much, Sid. Cheerio.

Come on, lads. The boss is on his way up.

You know it makes him nervous

to see his picture in the papers.

Come on, get these things gone.

[Door opens]

-Morning, Powell. -Morning.

-Morning, you two.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I see. Give me that.

[Scoffs]

Hm. Only three more killing days to Christmas.

The chief's going to love cracks like that.

Clear off, you two.

I'm afraid the assistant commissioner

is breathing down our necks.

Powell, I want to see the girl and that boy.

-Uh, the boy answered the phone

when I rang her up this morning, sir.

I said we'd be over. I thought it'd be better that way

because she's in no state to come to the Yard.

-Yeah. I suppose you're right. Have you checked the boy out?

-Yes, sir. Cliff Boyd. Cheeky young bugger. No record.

Good family. Dropout. Nothing violent.

-Hm. And the girl's father?

-Oh, rich. rich.

Everybody loved him.

And of course, the girl gets the money.

-That'll be a nice catch if the boy can land it.

Pretty girl, though. -Mm-hmm.

-Mm-hmm. Let's go.

[Doorbell rings]

-Oh, is the boy here too?

-Yes, he -- he lives with her.

-Right.

Good morning.

-How do you do, Inspector?

Why don't you come in?

-I'm most grateful to you, Miss Briosky.

Especially after the -- Well.

-My father had no enemies.

-We know that, Miss Briosky. Yes, we know that.

-Well, Inspector, you've got your first clue.

The one I gave you last night, the shrunken head.

-I'm afraid we don't have very many clues, Miss.

There were no fingerprints on it.

-It was the costume that he was wearing.

He was the victim of another Santa murder.

-...will be given early next year.

Tonight in London, the festive atmosphere has

a distinct chill about it as yet another Santa Claus is slain.

And now for the weather.

[Bottles clatter]

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

[Music swells]

♪♪

[Sizzling, man screaming]

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

[Sizzling]

♪♪

[Motorcycle engine puttering]

[Up-tempo music plays]

♪♪

-Thank you. Happy Christmas.

[Door closes]

Oh, Inspector Harris,

look what's just arrived by special delivery.

A Christmas present.

And it says, "don't open till Christmas."

-Thank you, Mrs. Sherry. -You going to wait?

-Yes. Why not? Put it on my desk, will you?

I've got an awful lot on. I can't stop, I'm afraid.

-Oh, what a shame.

Terrible about that Poor Santa in Soho.

-Quite so, Mrs. Sherry, quite so.

We have all the gory details at the Yard and the photographs.

Well, I'll be seeing you again then on Wednesday, isn't it?

-Yes, Christmas Eve. Uh, anything I can get for you?

-No. I'm afraid that breakfast is the only meal

I can be sure of these days. I tell you, Mrs. Sherry,

Christmas is no time to be a policeman.

I should be late.

Yeah, until Wednesday, then. Goodbye.

-Goodbye.

Pity, really.

Perhaps you'll show me

some of the Yard photographs on Wednesday.

-Here you are, sir. -Thanks.

-Morning, Powell. -Good morning, sir.

[Bells tolling in distance]

That girl has been on again, sir.

I told her there was nothing new,

but she wants to talk to you.

-God, I'm tired.

I get no sleep these days.

-Do you think, sir, we might have a psychopath on our hands?

-Funny thing, Powell.

That's exactly what the assistant commissioner

was bellowing at me a moment ago.

I just tore myself away from his office.

You know what I replied?

-It's early days yet for a pattern, I suppose.

-Guess what he answered with that damn superiority of his.

"Perhaps we can assume then that the killings will just stop

and give us something to look forward to next Christmas."

-Well, the trouble is, sir,

the moment anyone puts on a Santa Claus costume,

they become a sort of semi holy figure, don't they like?

Well, to the kids, anyway.

-The whole of the West End is crammed with Santa Clauses.

What have you got on this latest?

-Oh. Petty crook known to West End Central.

Could have been pushing drugs.

Now, this one could have been a coincidence, actually.

-Hmm? -Well, gangland rivalry.

-Rivalry over what? Chestnut vending pictures?

Thank you, Powell.

That was a good try. -[Laughs]

-I'll call the girl.

-Of course, Inspector. I'll be here.

-Anything new?

-There's been another killing.

-Big deal.

It's the chestnut vendor. It's already been in the papers.

-I haven't read the papers.

-You haven't called that lawyer back.

-My father's just been murdered!

I can't concentrate!

-Yeah, right. Sorry.

But you have to come back into the real world sometime.

Maybe that lawyer's call is important.

-He did ask one strange question.

-Harris? -Yes.

It was about you.

He asked whether we intended on getting married.

-Did he now?

-Yes, I'd like to speak to Sergeant Powell, please.

[Telephone rings]

-Sergeant Powell.

-Yes. My name is Giles, Daily News.

-Oh, Daily News. So you're the one responsible

for these alarmist headlines, are you?

-Yes. Well, some of them.

Are you any nearer to solving these dreadful

Santa Claus crimes?

-Well, we're still making our inquiries.

It's just a matter of time.

-Which means you haven't a clue who you're looking for.

-What did you say your name was again, sir?

-My name is Giles. Giles.

-Alright, Mr. Giles, well, if you want any more information,

Chief Inspector Harris

will be giving a press conference tomorrow.

-Look, forget Harris.

Tell me, Sergeant Powell, would it help your promotion prospects

if you were to solve this case personally?

-I'm sorry. I don't understand.

What are you getting at?

Do you have any information, sir?

-Just think about what I said. I'll be in touch.

-Uh, just a minute, sir.

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

Yeah. Get me the Daily News, will you?

[Ominous music plays, man cackling]

♪♪

-[Cackling continues]

♪♪

[Static]

[Mid-tempo music plays]

-♪ Santa's brain roasting on an open fire ♪

I feel festive already 'cause, you know, four dead bodies

and three of them are Santa Clauses,

all in the first 15 minutes of the movie.

This movie does notmess around.

You know, you get the impression that when they were making this,

they just said, "Okay,

that's enough talking. Kill another Santa." You know?

This was the first, last and only film

directed by Edmund Purdom, who no one remembers him today,

but he had this brief period in the '50s

when he was one of the most famous actors in the world.

Um, but it wasn't really directed by Edmund Purdom

because it became pretty obvious

that Edmund didn't know how to direct.

And so he either walked off the film or he was fired.

It depends on who's telling the story,

but he was replaced by the screenwriter Derek Ford.

But Derek had a problem, um, because Edmund Purdom

was also the starof the movie.

And since Edmund Purdom was no longer around,

and since they hadn't finished shooting all of his scenes,

the script was going to have to change.

And the burden of that responsibility caused Derek

to show up drunk on the set two days in a row.

So he was fired, and then he was replaced by Alan Birkinshaw,

who wrote some additional scenes,

and he shared the directing duties with the editor,

Ray Selfe, and by this point, they were

so ashamed to be part of the movie

that they decided they would invent a fake name and share it.

So Alan Birkinshaw and Ray Selfe

are listed in the credits as Al McGoohan.

So you would think all this chaos

would have the producer just spitting fire.

Right? But the producer was Dick Randall,

who we all know from "Pieces," the slasher immortalized

on our original "Last Drive-In" marathon.

"Pieces," believe it or not, had made a lot of money

for Dick Randall and his partner,

Steve Minasian of Boston.

And so he told his backers, you know,

"I want to make one of those Christmas-season slashers."

And, um, I originally thought this was a reverse rip-off

of "Silent Night, Deadly Night"

'cause in that movie, Santa is the killer.

But in Dick Randall's version,

all the Santas in London are the victims.

But Dick Randall actually started making this movie

before the other movie existed, so.

And both movies came out at the same time.

But Dick Randall was a fascinating guy.

He worked in every exploitation genre for five decades.

He started out in the '50s as a joke writer for Milton Berle.

He created some of the early network quiz shows.

And then he started buying up the rights to movies and plays.

He was involved with the nudist camp movies.

He distributed some of those mondo movies out of Italy.

He raised the money for "Last House on the Left."

And then sometime in the early '70s,

he fled New York City and he never went back.

Everybody said it was because he owed money to the Mafia.

He had gotten in business with gangsters,

and they'd lost money on these Broadway shows.

We'll probably never know the real story,

but the rest of his life, he stayed away from New York.

He lived in Rome, Hong Kong and London.

So that's probably why we don't know as much about him as,

say, William Castle or Roger Corman

or other producers who were working

in the extreme low-budget space.

Dick Randall distributed the first Bruce Lee movie.

And then after Bruce Lee died,

he distributed the first Bruce Li movies,

the Bruce Lee rip-offs.

He made the movie "The Clones of Bruce Lee."

He had six Bruce Lee look-alikes in that movie.

He made low-budget versions of Hollywood movies,

but he also made low-budget versions of movies

that were known only in Europe,

Like he made a movie called "French Sex Murders,"

which was modeled after Italian giallo films,

but specifically for audiences in France and Germany.

Um, he was the guy who copied

the Emmanuelle movies from -- from France.

He made the double-M Emmanuelle movies.

And he and, um -- No, I'm sorry.

France is the double M's.

He made the single-M Emanuelle movies in Italy.

My favorite was "Emanuelle Queen Bitch,"

just for the audacity of that title.

He made a James Bond rip-off

called "For Your Height Only" starring a dwarf.

He had this dwarf action star named Weng Weng...

-No! -...who was Filipino and...

-Oh, God, we got to show that one.

-...he stood 2'9" tall. I would love to show that one.

-Yes. -He made porn films.

He made spaghetti Westerns.

He made indescribable genres like "King of Kong Islands,"

"Supersonic Man,"

"The Wild, Wild World of Jayne Mansfield."

-No way! -Documentary.

He liked prostitutes and cigars and deals.

And everybody loved him because he was talkative.

He was funny. He was a great salesman.

He had money from all over the world.

One of his frequent investors was a nuclear scientist,

and he was always making several movies at the same time.

You may remember in the middle of "Pieces,"

this Asian kung fu star shows up for one scene.

-Yes. -That's because Dick Randall

was making a movie with the Asian kung fu star in Rome

and he thought it would help promotion.

So -- So that's Dick Randall.

And he's the guy that Edmund Purdom talked into a deal

where if -- if Edmund Purdom starred in the movie,

he would be allowed to direct the movie.

And then Dick discovered that was a big mistake,

especially after the fourth director

was still trying to finish the movie two years later.

But that was the kind of problem Dick Randall

worked with all the time He was --

He was willing to hire new people

until he got the movie done. And so it was done.

But that's Edmund Purdom as Chief Inspector Harris.

As you probably notice,

he doesn't even direct himself very well.

But my favorite line is when the detective sergeant

says, "Do you think we might have a psychopath on our hands?"

And of course, that was Derek Ford's line,

he of the alcoholic directing phase.

Alright. Before we go back to the movie,

I need to point out that this portion of tonight's show

is dedicated to the March of Dimes,

the first of four charities tonight.

And by the way,

100% of the money you spend on the auction

and the premium items goes directly to the charities.

We do not take anything.

The March of Dimes was started in 1938 by President Roosevelt

because the country was going through an epidemic of polio,

and, um, Roosevelt himself had polio as a child.

That's why he was in a wheelchair.

It was just a devastating disease.

You know, it left people in iron lungs.

And, um, so Hollywood pitched in.

They actually put Roosevelt's face on the dime in 1946

as a reference to the March of Dimes.

-What? -Yeah.

And eventually they raised enough money

to provide virtually free medical care

to any child who contracted polio.

Because I had polio as a child

and my parents never had to pay a penny

for all this very extensive stuff that we went through

at Scottish Rite Children's Hospital in Dallas.

And the March of Dimes virtually eliminated polio

by the early '70s.

Now, sadly, there have been a few recent cases

because people refuse the vaccines for their children.

Get those vaccines, people.

But the March of Dimes continued to fight

against all kinds of diseases that afflict babies,

including birth defects.

And they are still going strong today.

Okay, Darcy, show me how this Advent thing works.

Okay?

-Well, normally you would open one door each day

and receive a gift.

But since we're doing it all in one night,

I think we should each open one

and just, like, alternate it at each break.

-Okay. Sounds good to me. Go for it.

So you have to do number 1, right?

-It's all the way over there.

-Alright, well, you want me to do it?

-Yes, please. -Okay.

Do I get what's in there? -That one's for me.

I just couldn't reach it. -Okay.

Alright. Here you go.

-Yay! -How cute.

-Candy cane. -So it's stuff like that?

-Yeah, like Christmas icons.

-Alright. -Now you do that one.

That one's for you. -Alright.

So...Christmas icon. -Yay.

-So... Okay.

-I mean -- -I got the, uh, pine tree

car air freshener Christmas icon.

[Laughter]

-I mean, I've been in your car and you definitely need that.

-How festive. Great. -It's a Christmas tree.

-Vanilla Roma. Okay. -Yay!

-Back to the movie. So these are like --

So this whole thing is like trinkets

that you buy at the Christmas store?

-Sometimes, yeah.

-Although mine is a trinket you buy at the truck stop

on the way to the Christmas store.

What is a Christmas store, anyway?

How come whenever you go on vacation, no matter

what time of year it is, there's a Christmas store?

You know, in April, you're in Talladega for the NASCAR race.

There's a Christmas store there.

You know, people are buying Christmas ornaments

and stuffed reindeers and Hallmark movies on VHS.

You know? They sell that stuff at the Christmas store.

-It's because people love Christmas so much.

-And why is there always a Paula Deen

cooking store next door to the Christmas store?

-That one, I don't know.

-And a beef jerky store. There's always a beef jerky store.

-No idea. -If you can figure out

the connection between Paula Deen,

Christmas ornaments, and beef jerky,

you can make a million dollars.

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-Joe Bob's holiday ceramic jerky bowl.

That's -- That's what I'm talking about, Darcy.

-What's that?

-It's a new product I just came up with.

It would sell like crazy.

Christmas, Paula Deen, and jerky all together.

-I -- No. It wouldn't.

-No? -No.

-Holiday-themed ceramic jerky bowl.

You put the jerky in the bowl

and everybody takes a piece of jerky

when they come -- -No. No.

-With a NASCAR logo on the -- -Well.

-No? -No, no.

-Okay.

-Don't forget, you can also help tonight's causes

to receive limited edition "Ghoultide Get-Together" merch.

For $50, you'll get a "Ghoultide Get-Together" T-shirt.

For $100, you'll receive both the T-shirt and a matching

"Ghoultide Get-Together" hoodie.

And finally, for $150, you'll get all that

plus the Darcy and Joe Bob pint glasses.

These items are only available now,

and all profits go to tonight's worthy causes.

Happy holidays from "The Last Drive-In."

-I just started my own business right from home,

but I just couldn't deal with our slow Internet anymore.

Soft=cap streaming packages, extra equipment to get more

mega flops per second or whatever.

-It's not that confusing, honey.

-But as a surprise to the missus this holiday season,

I switched to Yuki Wireless. And things sure are simpler.

-Just like you like it.

-Yuki Wireless has no hidden service fees after installation

because it's all run by satellites or something.

Basically magic.

-Don't know how it works. Don't care.

-Free Yuki Dish satellite with every two-year contract.

-Let the Yuki Wireless do the thinking for you.

[Static]

-Merry Christmas, Kate. -Merry Christmas, Kate.

[Sinister music plays]

-Kate Briosky? -Yes?

-My name is Giles. Daily News.

-You startled me. -I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

Can I ask you some questions?

-If it's about my father,

I've been told not to say anything.

-Uh, who told you not to say anything?

-Chief Inspector Harris. Anyway, I don't know

what I can tell you that you don't know already.

-Well, my interest is a personal angle --

how you're coping, what your plans are,

that sort of thing.

-If you've ever lost a mother or father

in unfortunate circumstances,

you wouldn't be asking questions like that.

-Oh, but I have.

-I'm sorry, but I have to go now.

If there's anything else you want to know,

you'd better speak to the police.

-Hey, Miss Briosky!

Merry Christmas.

[Up-tempo music plays]

♪♪

[Flute playing]

-Excuse me. Do you do requests?

[Coins jingling]

Cor blimey. By the look of that, you need to, eh?

[Laughs]

-Gerry! -Hey!

-Hey, where'd you spring from? -Well, you know me, mate,

ducking and weaving, ducking and weaving.

-Ay, ay, ay. -Who's the, eh, who's the --

-Oh, uh, this is a friend of mine.

Gerry, Kate, Gerry. -Hiya.

I've met you before, though. You were famous on TV, eh?

Well, let me tell you both for a drink, eh?

-I'll see you boys later. I'm getting a newspaper.

-What's up? -She was on TV.

Her father was killed at the Christmas party.

-Oh, Christ, not a Christmas party, oh, Jesus.

What -- What did I say? Jesus Christ.

-Well, don't worry about it. She's just raw with grief.

-Well, look, uh. Tell her I'm sorry, eh?

-Don't worry.

So what are you up to?

-Well, I'm into cameras. -Stealing or selling?

-Hey, come on. Do me a favor, will you?

I'm a photographer now, I am.

I've got me own studio, the lot, everything.

-Porn? -[Laughs]

Now, would I do a thing like that, would I?

Mmm!

So if you're, uh, interested,

why don't you put round to the studio sometime?

[Laughs]

Hey, I've just had a thought.

Why don't you come round tonight?

It'll be great.

And there might be some, uh, change in it for you,

especially if you bring the, uh, pretty blonde girl with you.

Say about 6:00?

-Well, nothing, you know, uh...

-Ooh! [Clicking tongue]

No, just let's say, uh, interested?

-Right. You're on.

-Yeah. Be great.

Nice to see ya.

Oh, and, uh, get that flute tuned before you come.

Know what I mean?

[Laughs]

♪♪

-What did that creep want?

-Oh, we're invited to tea. -Oh, yeah?

-Come on, let's go.

♪♪

-Come on, darling. Open up.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Good. Lovely.

Right. Now we'll just, uh...

Now, wait a minute. You're not finished yet.

Now, just a few 35s.

-What about my coffee break? -Your coffee's there.

-Yeah, but you won't let me get to it, will you?

-It's cold, innit?

Smile. Lovely.

-Oh, just a minute. -What's a matter?

-I'm freezing. Just look at this.

-You can't be. We've got all the lamps on. Look.

Right. Couple more. Then we'll go outside.

-What, like this? -Why not?

-'Cause I'll freeze to death. That's why not.

-It will make your, uh, nip-nips stand out.

[Laughs]

Besides, the temperature is just the same outside.

That's great.

Ooh, look.

Oh, hi there.

[Laughs]

Your timing's perfect.

-What does he mean by that?

-Well, you did say interesting.

-What? Oh, that.

Oh, that's just her working clothes.

Hey, good to see you. Come in.

How are you, Kate?

Anyone for coffee? -Yeah. Thanks, Gerry.

-Hi, Cliff. I'm Sharon.

-Hi, Sharon. I'm delighted.

-And I'm bloody furious.

-Word in your ear.

Sharon there, she's, uh, one of my favorite models.

-Yeah, the trouble with that, Cliff,

if you get used a lot, you lose work.

[Laughs]

They say you're overexposed.

-Do you find that a problem?

-You the other girl Gerry was telling me about?

-What other girl?

-He said we're doing some doubles later.

-Oh. Did he?

-Look, uh, Kate, listen.

Uh, seems Gerry has got a bit of a problem.

Um, he had another couple booked for tonight,

but they, uh, called in and canceled.

Oh, don't look at me like that.

He's got some wigs. You can change your appearance.

Nobody will ever know. It's a quick 50.

-Are you out of your mind?

Me? Cliff, what's happening to you?

-Gerry's an old friend.

-Well, he's not one of mine.

-We're here anyway. -You've got a good body.

Why not put it to work?

-Are we ready then?

-My God.

You insensitive bastards!

[Dramatic music plays]

-What have you said to her?

♪♪

-Did you have to show her this?

I ought to ram it down your bloody throat!

-What have I done now then? -Her father.

Remember?

-Oh, Christ, I've done it again, haven't I?

Anyways, it's not for her. It's for Sharon.

-I better go after her. -I don't know why.

You won't do yourself any favors with her tonight.

Sharon, on the other hand, she's ready and waiting.

[Laughs]

And afterwards,

you can help me with the street shots.

-What street shots?

-Come on, lover boy. Put your arm round mama.

Keep her warm. It's cold outside.

-Yeah, right. Um, maybe we should wait for Gerry.

-I don't think Gerry got a single shot in detail,

but I sure did.

-You're crazy. Gonna get us all arrested.

[Dramatic music plays]

-Oh, you're lovely.

-Uh-oh. Here they come.

They'll think we're a couple of gays.

Rust! And we haven't got any keys.

Run for it. Beat it.

-Don't leave me here.

-Well, they've seen us.

It's a girl.

♪♪

-[Gasps]

♪♪

[Dog barking]

♪♪

Aah!

[Music swells]

♪♪

Ah. Aaaah!

Ah! Ah!

Aaaah! Aah!

[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

[Whimpering]

♪♪

[Crying]

-Oh. Come on.

-Don't cry, my love.

-Everything will be alright.

[Indistinct conversations]

-I don't understand why you let her go home.

-Well, when we brought her home last night, sir,

I did ask her not to leave the house without letting us know.

She's probably there. -I hope you're right.

-Who is it? -Ah.

Detective Inspector Harris here. -Oh, it's you.

You can come on in. I'm not getting up.

-[Music playing -I'm in here.

♪♪

Look, I'm losing a lot of work.

-Just calm down, young lady.

You should have spent the night at the station.

It was only the unfortunate circumstances of last night

that saved you.

You were arrested for indecent exposure.

-Indecent?

I'm a professional.

-You were in public.

Now, just you calm down and answer a few questions of mine

and I'll let you go back to work.

-Look, all I saw was the knife.

-Knife? -I think it was a knife.

Might have been a razor.

Look, it was bad enough being dumped by Cliff

in the middle of the night.

-At the time of the attack, where was he?

-I don't know.

-Who do you think your attacker might have been?

Oh, I don't know. It was so dark.

It could have been anybody.

For all I know, it could have been you.

-Didn't you get a look at his face?

-He was wearing a mask.

-Powell, I'm going off.

I'll be about an hour.

-Yeah, but ha--

-Where's he off to in such a hurry?

-What? Oh, well, he's always going off on his own somewhere.

Look, I want you to think very carefully.

Is there anything that stands out in your mind

about the attacker? Anything at all?

-One thing. -Go on.

-His eyes. They -- They seemed to smile.

-Yes.

Can you remember how tall he was?

-Oh, he was quite a big man.

-About my height?

-Yes. Yeah, about your height.

-Yes. Okay. Well, you've been very helpful.

No, you just stay in bed and rest. I'll see myself out.

[Static]

-You know, something I forgot to mention at the first break.

Remember when Kate's daddy gets the spear

ran through the back of his skull and it comes out his mouth

and he lurches forward into the fancy costume party?

Why does everybody just stare at the body?

Like it's a piece of abstract art or something.

Nobody screams, nobody recoils, nobody runs away.

It's like still-life with speared cranium and...

Okay. We're still raising money for The March of Dimes

in this portion of "Joe Bob's Ghoultide Get-Together."

All your auction money and your money

for the "Last Drive-In" shirt, hoodie, and pint glasses

goes directly to our four Christmas charities.

-Cool. -Alright. Um...

Don't you love Cliff?

[ Laughter ]

He's trying to comfort his grieving girlfriend,

so he takes her to a porn shoot

and he tries to get her to do doubles,

what they call "doubles," with a naked girl in a Santa suit.

And when she decides she doesn't want to do that,

Cliff very touchingly comforts the porn model himself

until he thinks they might be mistaken for a gay couple,

and so he runs away and leaves her in the street!

-Cliff!

-Gerry Sundquist, the actor who played Cliff.

He had kind of a sad life. He grew up in Manchester.

He worked a lot in the theater and television

throughout the '70s,

ran into hard times in the '80s,

and he jumped in front of a train

at Norbiton Station in Southwest London

when he was just 37 years old. -Aww.

-And I'm bringing that up for a reason, though.

His death resulted in a beloved Christmas movie.

He had a brother, Geoffrey Sundquist,

who wrote the animated film

"Father Christmas and the Missing Reindeer"

as a tribute to Gerry.

And that has become

a very popular Christmas tradition in Britain.

-Wow.

-The actress playing Sharon, the porn model,

was actually a porn star -- Pat Astley.

She had been a model for men's magazines,

and then she was doing hardcore at the very dawn of modern porn.

She did those 8-millimeter loops in the early '70s.

But I recognized her 'cause we had this movie

that we showed over and over and over again

when I was at the Movie Channel

called "Adventures of a Plumber's Mate."

And she was -- she was one of the many nude actresses

playing housewives who have sex with the plumber.

And does anybody remember "Adventures of a Plumber's Mate"

besides me?

British sex comedies were insanely silly,

and we had all of them on the Movie Channel.

"Adventures of a Taxi Driver."

"Adventures of a Private Eye."

"Confessions of a Driving Instructor."

That was one of the --

That was one of the naughty movies in Britain.

So, anyway -- "Don't Open Till Christmas"

was Pat Astley's last film.

She tried to cross over into mainstream acting,

but at the time,

if anybody found out that you had ever done porn,

even if you'd done softcore porn,

you did not work in England.

So she eventually became a shop girl in Lancashire,

which is where she was from.

Blackpool is where she was from,

which they call the "Las Vegas of England."

[ Laughs ] Blackpool.

Anyway, interesting that the killer

doesn't want to slice her up,

even though she's wearing a Santa costume,

because he already killed a woman

in the first scene of the movie

who was notwearing a Santa costume.

So we should be taking notes here

because we need to know the motivations of this psycho,

'cause he's not very consistent.

And I actually think they changed psychos

halfway through the movie because, I mean --

Nobody ever came right out and said that,

but they did have to juggle the cast.

And I think the rewrites of the later scenes

sometimes don't fit the early scenes.

Okay. Darcy. Advent.

I feel like a pig getting another gift after that,

you know, pine-tree car air freshener that I got.

But let's do this thing.

-Alrighty. -Door number 3.

-Let's see. Oh, man!

-What?

-Aah! Sour Patch Kids. And they're all pink.

-What is that? -I love these. It's candy.

-Alright. I never had that kind of candy.

-What? Are you kidding me? Everyone loves Sour Patch Kids.

-Are they good? -You have to have some.

-Alright. Are you a candy person, Darcy?

I mean, I am at Christmastime.

-First you get a candy cane, then you get Sour Patch Kids.

-Yay. Thank you. -Alright.

-Go ahead. Let's open yours. -Alright.

-Door number 4. -I got it.

Here we go. I can't see it.

Give me it. -Alright. I got it.

-Door number 4. Oh.

Okay. Just what I needed.

A Wet-Nap. Actually, an off-brand Wet-Nap.

A Fresh-Nap. You know. -Yay!

-I won't have fried chicken grease on my fingers anymore!

You know, isn't that always what you end up saying on Christmas

when you get a bad present?

"Just what I needed!" You know?

Where's my candy? Why don't I get candy?

-Are you a candy person?

-It's literally a Wet-Nap with a bow on it.

Huh? -Are you a candy person?

-White-chocolate Reese's cups.

-Mmm. -So good.

-Well, you didn't -- You got none of those.

-I know. Okay. Back to the movie.

You ever been to Blackpool, Darcy?

You've been everywhere. -I think I missed that one.

-Apparently, they do saucy things in Blackpool.

They're naughty. -Ooh. Like what?

-They're naughty in Black-- I don't know.

It's like -- It's British, so, I mean...

Did you ever see "Adventures of a Plumber's Mate"?

-No, but I want to. -You would --

You would not think it's sexy. I don't think it's sexy.

But the British thought it was sonaughty.

It was very popular.

So, in Blackpool, I'm gonna assume they have...

bonnie lasses dancing in their knickers or something.

-Is that really a thing? -I don't know.

It just sounds like something the Brits would have.

Bonnie lasses dancing in their knickers.

Remember Benny Hill? -Oh, yeah. Who doesn't?

-Stark naked, running down the street in fast motion.

That's hysterical to Brits. You know?

-I always laughed at Benny Hill.

-Then you would fit right in in Blackpool.

-Heck yeah. Let's go.

-It's cold there, though. -I love cold places.

-Alright, well, you could be the cheeky --

They always say, "Oh, so cheeky."

You can be the Cheeky Royal Mail Girl.

-I think you probably need to be English for that.

-Caroline Munro. She has that all locked up.

-No spoilers! -Oh, it's -- Okay. Sorry.

Are you really gonna do that, though?

-Oh, yeah, I am.

-I love when you do hot cosplay.

-No spoilers. -Alright.

You're gonna be saucy. [ Laughs ]

And cheeky. Gonna be saucy and cheeky.

We already saw your knickers on Halloween, so...

You naughty girl.

-You know it.

♪♪

-Don't go away.

"Joe Bob's Ghoultide Get-Together"

will return in a moment.

-Hey, it's Chris Jericho, and you can be a part

of Joe Bob Briggs'

"Ghoultide Get-Together" charity auction

with the AEW experience.

You'll get a chance to go to an AEW live event,

a live taping, a live show

with JBB and Darcy the Mail Girl.

Plus, afterwards, you'll get a meet-and-greet

with me, Chris Jericho, at the show.

Plus, Darcy and Joe Bob will take you to dinner

before the event.

Joe Bob Briggs' "Last Drive-In Ghoultide Get-Together" auction.

Be a part of it, come to the AEW show,

and meet The Ocho.

♪♪

-♪ I've been thinkin' 'bout our trailer ♪

♪ And the way it used to sway ♪

♪ When the mattress springs were squealin' high ♪

♪ And the roaches ran away ♪

♪ But now you've gone to Memphis ♪

♪ In my brand-new Chevrolet ♪

♪ Lord, how I feel you ♪

♪ When Orkin comes to spray ♪

Save a few roaches for me to remember her by,

Mr. Bug Man.

Giddy-up!

[ Horse neighs ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

♪♪

[ Knocking ]

[ Knocking ]

[ Knocking ]

-Pick up the telephone.

You can hear me now?

-Yes, I can hear you.

-Sit down.

-Oh, yes.

♪♪

-So, Santa, did you bring me any presents?

-I'm -- I'm not the real one.

I just work in the department store down the road.

-Aww! I thought you were.

-You're very pretty to be working in a place like this.

-Oh, I'm not really a model. I'm a dancer.

-A dancer? -Yeah. You want to see?

♪♪

-Was that it?

-What do you expect? "Flashdance"?

-I -- I didn't know -- I didn't know what to expect.

It's my first time in this sort of place.

-Me too.

-Really?

You see, I live with my mother.

-So do I. [ Laughs ]

-I don't think my mother would understand.

-Oh?

-Does your mother know you work here?

-She ought to. She owns it. I'm just filling in.

-Oh. For another girl?

-No. For my mother. [ Laughs ]

-Look, c-can't we --

-Yes?

-Can't we get rid of this glass

and then -- well, you know.

-Oh, no. That would be breaking the law.

Besides, who knows what you might get up to.

All those kiddies sitting on your knee all day.

-I'd love to have you sitting on my knee.

-Would you?

Would you like me on your knee

all bouncing and rearing to go?

Would you like your hands all over me, caressing me?

-Oh, yes.

[ Ominous music plays ]

-If you want to see any more, cost you another five.

[ Screams ]

[ Scream reverberating ]

♪♪

-What happened? Her boyfriend came back unexpectedly?

-I told you. I never saw the girl! After the cops came.

-So you spent all night looking for her!

-I spent all night looking for that shit Gerry!

And when I found him, that's how I got this!

-Oh, yeah?

[ Doorbell rings ]

Oh, I suppose this must be her now.

-[ Scoffs ]

-Maybe she's looking for you, too!

-Hello, Cliff. What happened to your hand?

-Came into violent contact with a certain jaw.

-Mm-hmm.

-Hello, Inspector. Any news?

-No, I'm afraid not.

Where were you last night, Cliff?

-Is that any of your business?

-He was with me.

-[ Chuckles ] Yes. Yes, I know he was.

Up to the point that you stormed out of that studio.

But I'm interested in what he got up to afterthat.

-What's happened?

-Sharon, the model you met last night,

was attacked in the street.

-Attacked? Who would attack her?

-Maybe you can tell me. You recall how she was dressed.

-Santa Claus. -I don't believe it!

You took that girl outside dressed in that costume

after all that's happened?

[ Scoffs ] You must be mad!

-It wasn't my idea.

I didn't think that -- Wait a minute.

I've been on the spot for two of these killings.

You're thinking it could have been me.

-That's ridiculous.

-What possible reason could I have

for going round killing Santas?

-Oh, none. That we know of.

I'll be seeing you around, Cliff.

-May I come and see?

-Of course, Miss Briosky. You know where my office is.

-No, I'd like to talk to you someone less public.

-[ Chuckles ]

Here's my private number.

There are very few of these out, Miss Briosky.

-Kate.

-Uh, you're very welcome, Kate.

But, please, not today.

Goodbye. -Bye-bye.

[ Drawers sliding ]

-Who are you? What are you doing here?

[ Drawer closes ]

-Giles. Uh, evening news?

Yes, he said you'd be in your office.

I was...just looking for a light.

-Alright, Mr. Giles. What have you got to tell me?

-Well, my newspaper -- -Your newspaper didn't seem

to know where you were.

In fact, they've never even heard of you.

-Here.

"Giles Morgan." [ Chuckles ]

-Yes.

-Yes, you're Sergeant McBain showed me up.

-Yes.

Now, you mentioned on the phone that you had some information

that might lead me to the murderer.

-No, I said, would it help your promotion prospects

if you were to solve the murders personally?

-[ Chuckles ] Yes. Alright. But you doknow something.

-Your Inspector Harris, does he tell you everything?

That you know what his movements are?

You know, generally keep you in the picture?

-Well, I have a fair idea of what's going on.

Now, come on! What are you getting at?

-You should keep a better eye on him.

-Are you suggesting that Inspector Harris...

-No, I'm not suggesting anything.

♪♪

I've got to go. Catch the late edition.

♪♪

You might try tailing him.

♪♪

-Might try tailing you.

♪♪

Dennis. This chap who's just left my office.

Yeah. That's him.

Just get one of the boys to follow him for half an hour,

see where he goes.

Let me know. Okay.

[ Choir singing ]

♪♪

[ Horns honking ]

-Damn.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

-Here you are, Mary. -Enjoy it, Mary. Come on.

Oh, cheers. -Yeah, cheers.

-You got any more roaches? -That's good.

-Oi, there's Santa! -Look!

-Ohh! Pedal power! Santa! -You're drunk!

-He's throwing his bloody fingers up.

Quick. Get him. -Let's get him. Come on.

Yeah! Santa. Stop pedaling, mate. Come on.

Hey! Hey, boy!

♪♪

[ Bicycle bell dinging ]

♪♪

[ Dog snarls ]

♪♪

[ Lens shatter ]

♪♪

-[ Screams ]

♪♪

[Male voice speaking indistinctly]

And kill with lightning and thunder!

[Thunder crashes]

♪♪

[Static]

-You know, the makers of this film

are very fond of pig-sticker killings --

fairly flimsy knives to the stomach.

You know, I do have to give them credit.

This was the most elaborate sequence in the whole film.

You know, the drunk Santa gets taunted

by the scuzzy teenagers, the bicycle chase,

the mad-dog attack,

cat-and-mouse inside The London Dungeon.

Which, by the way -- That isThe London Dungeon.

The London Dungeon never allowed another film company

to shoot there after their experience

with "Don't Open Till Christmas."

Then we had the gratuitous but spectacular killing

of The London Dungeon secretary,

who gets strung up by her heels,

indicating the killer doeslike to kill women.

I mean, he even ripped off all her clothes

while he was chasing the drunken Santa.

And, of course, that was preceded

by the peep-show murder.

Alright. I want to remind you

that we're still raising money for The March of Dimes

in this segment of "Joe Bob's Ghoultide Get-Together."

Bid on the auction. Buy a shirt.

Help us beat last year's record.

One reason there are so many hookers

and perverts in this movie is that the filmmakers

and some of the actors kind of lived

in a world of hookers and perverts.

Dick Randall, the producer,

would come to the set every Friday with two hookers,

and the three of them

would dispense cash payments to the cast and crew.

Everybody was paid in cash 'cause Dick was fleeing

from taxation authorities his entire life.

So, Paula Meadows, the London Dungeon girl

who gets strung up by the ankles --

she had been naked on stage

in the London production of "Hair" in the '60s,

and then she made hardcore porn all through the '70s and '80s.

And after she retired from porn, she became an erotic artist.

Then Alan Lake, the guy playing Giles,

the creepy reporter, he was married to Diana Dors.

She was famous in England for many things.

They called her the British Marilyn Monroe.

But she had been having famous orgies

at her London homes since the 1950s.

Alan Lake was her third husband,

but all three of her husbands were swingers.

And she had this system of cameras in her house

so she could photograph the sex in whatever rooms

the orgy sex was going on in. -Whoa. Nice.

-And the way it worked is, she would invite all these starlets

to her get-togethers,

and the women were encouraged to seduce the men.

Very British way to run an orgy.

-I'm into it.

-Because, that way, no woman ever gets hit on, right,

at the orgy.

And Diana and Alan

liked to watch the films later.

I assume they got permission from people to do that.

-Whoa. Totally.

-Derek Ford, the screenwriter who briefly became the director

and then was fired for being drunk,

was famous for his films about wife swapping.

In fact, his most famous of several porn films

that he directed was called "The Swappers."

And the tagline on it was,

Remember when all the guy next door

wanted to borrow was your lawnmower?"

[ Laughter ]

Then Ray Selfe, the editor of the film, he called --

He was a good friend of Derek,

and he called him a male nymphomaniac.

And he probably got to know Dick Randall and Alan Lake

at those orgies at Diana Dors' house.

They actually called them wife-swapping parties.

That was a more refined word than the word "orgy."

So, everything in England has to be more refined.

Derek Ford also made "Keep It Up, Jack."

[ Laughter ]

And "Paris Playgirls."

And his two most famous films in America

were "I Am a Groupie" in 1970 and "Diversions" in 1976.

Now, "Diversions" was one of the very early

hardcore 35-millimeter films back when porn had actual plots.

Anyway, lots of people involved with

"Don't Open Till Christmas" had been involved

with the wild sex parties,

most of them at the home of Diana Dors and Alan Lake,

so they were well acquainted with the London demimonde.

And that's the first time I ever said that word.

What does "demimonde" mean?

That's one of those words I only read in print,

and I don't even know if I said it right.

Never heard anyone actually say it.

I think it means the pervert world, though.

I mean, I'm just going by context.

So, anyway, I'm way off topic here,

but as far as the London Dungeon sequence goes --

See, Darcy? I know exactly what I'm talking about.

I can always get back to the subject.

As far as the London Dungeon sequence goes,

that place is full of wicked medieval murder implements.

And what do they choose?

A little piddly stiletto, like a pig sticker, you know,

and they dribble a little blood on it.

They do that long, elaborate sequence,

and then they don't pay it off, right?

-I mean, they definitely could have used a mace

or an ax or a torture device.

-Because you've been to The London Dungeon, right?

-Oh, yeah. Many times. -Is it great? Is it fun?

-Yeah, it's amazing.

They have live actors along with all the wax-museum type stuff.

-Live actors, as opposed to the actors

in "Don't Open Till Christmas."

-Oh, my God! Do not talk about my movie like that.

-Alright. Let's go to the Advent calendar.

Go for it. -Alright.

-Number 5. We're up to number 5.

-Aww! -Alright.

-Yay. -Oh, look.

It's a Christmas ornament?

-Not just any a Christmas ornament.

It's a rocking horse like the one in "Prom Night II."

-How do you know it's like the one in "Prom Night II"?

-I mean, how would I notknow that?

-Okay, my turn. -Yay.

-Here is a... [ Chuckles ]

-Yay! -Oh, great.

It's an off-brand Bic lighter

with a cartoon Santa Claus on the side.

How thoughtful.

-You can use it to light your cigars.

-Darcy, do I look like a guy who would light a cigar

with a lighter -- a fuel lighter?

That's -- That's disgusting.

You light a cigar with wooden matches.

-Well, I am sure you will find a use for it.

-Yeah, I can set fire to my pine-tree air freshener here.

-Oh, my God! Have some Christmas spirit!

-I'm trying.

So, if you're a kid -- In an Advent calendar household,

you get a present every day for 25 days before Christmas.

-Yes. -But it's a lame present.

-It's a cute gift.

It's like a warm-up for Christmas.

-Oh. You know what?

You have to have a craft mom to do this.

-It's not that hard.

-You know those moms, that they say,

"This Thursday, I will be crafting with Cynthia."

What does that mean?

What are they crafting when they say, "I'm going crafting"?

"Cynthia and I will be building an Advent calendar."

Is that what they're doing?

They say, "We're crafting this week."

I don't even know.

-I think they're just making stuff together.

-Yeah, like, you know, Santa Claus cartoon

fake Bic lighters.

-More like wall quilts.

-Wall quilts? Are you trying to piss me off?

What is a wall quilt? -What? What did I say?

-Quilts don't belong on the wall. I mean, crafting.

That's a nasty habit. That should not exist.

-That is a little bit harsh. -Back to the movie!

You know what I can't stand? Speaking of crafting moms.

Knickknacks.

Cabinets that are just full

of little souvenir sculptures.

The mermaids and seahorses and snow globes and --

Every time I see that, I want to throw a hand grenade

right into the middle of it.

-Are you serious? -Kinda, yeah.

-Oh, man. You need an anger-management class.

-I'm not angry about it, you know?

Just pissed off by the crafty crafters.

-Okay.

♪♪

-Go to ghoultidegettogether.com

to bid on these items and more, all for charity.

-Hey, everybody, have you heard the news

that Joe Bob's Standee is back in town by popular demand?

And look at all the great ways he can help you.

Boys a no-show for boys' night?

Let Bobby Briggs buy youa beer.

Down in the dumps after getting dumped?

Boom! Joe Bobby be in your Insta.

What more can I say?

This Joe Bob Standee is a marvel of modern engineering.

Hitting the links alone?

Let the horror daddy be your caddy.

Let the Standee stand in for you at long meetings at work..

More absorbent than any towel or bath mat.

Use him as a decoy while duck hunting.

Kid needs help with their homework?

Turn the page. Walk away.

Keep your car cool in the summer heat.

Tie rack. Hat rack. Shoe rack.

Joe Bob has got yourback.

Order yours today before this cowboy rides...

into the sunset.

-Call toll-free to order today or visit us on the Web.

-Ho, ho, hold the phone!

The Joe Bob Standee makes the perfect Christmas gift.

-This Christmas, we've asked Cassandra Peterson to share

a few passages at random from her autobiography.

-Alright. Let's see. Pick a passage. Alright.

"The Virgin Groupie."

Oh, God, no. Okay. Never mind.

[ Laughs ]

Okay. This is scary, huh?

"Jennifer..." Oh, God. I don't know.

[ Laughs ]

"Was he actually trying to pick me up

right in front of my parents?"

Uh -- Oh, never mind. Okay. Forget it.

Okay. You'll have to buy the book.

"Yours Cruelly, Elvira: Mistress of the Dark." By me.

Bid now on an autographed copy. Only for charity.

♪♪

-Do you want a coffee?

-Yeah. Yeah. Thanks.

♪♪

Funny, that.

Him not turning up at the inquest.

Don't you think so?

-Who are you talking about?

-Your Detective Inspector Harris.

-Oh.

-Would've thought he'd have shown up.

♪♪

Murder by person or persons unknown.

A foregone conclusion. I suppose he thought --

He thought it wasn't worth coming

to hear what he already knew.

♪♪

-Are you obsessed with him or something?

-What's that supposed to mean? Obsessed?

♪♪

I only wanted to make a point. That's all.

♪♪

I'm the one that loves you. Not him.

-Well, Sid, just get out as many as you can.

Yeah. Well, 20, 30. Something like that.

But let me know how many. Alright? Thanks a lot.

...Inspector Harris? -Yes.

-He's on his way down from the dizzy heights

of the commissioner's office,

and I don't advise you to be around

when it all starts hitting the fan.

He was in a foul mood when he went up there.

-Powell, I think this may very well be my last case.

You know, I think I'll beat him to it and resign.

That -- That man up there

has issued me with a direct order.

"Get your men out on the streets."

Decoys.

-Yes, sir, I know.

I put the operation into motion just now.

-Oh. It's like that, is it?

-Why has he done it, sir?

It's so that when the Home Secretary climbs on his back,

he'll have a good answer when he's asked,

"Why didn't you do something?"

Well, I'mgonna do something.

♪♪

[ Lively organ music plays ]

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

-God, it's cold.

If Sergeant Powell could see us now.

-Come on, or we'll miss the show.

♪♪

Alright, alright. Now, then... which of you little kiddies

didn't get no present earlier on?

There was one over here if I recall rightly.

Well, were it you? Yeah. Here you are, then.

And one over here.

Now, then, don't you go noshing all this in one go.

Otherwise, I'll have your mum after me.

Alright, kiddies. That's all for this year.

Santa's got to go back and prepare for next year!

Alright! Be good! Bye! Bye, kiddies!

Be good! Bye!

♪♪

-[ Grunting ]

♪♪

[ Grunts ]

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Flute playing "Good King Wenceslas" ]

♪♪

-How much is it? Oh, no.

That's much too much. [ Laughs ]

♪♪

[ Flute playing stops ]

I'll see you after.

-God.

-What?

-Do you think he's having us followed?

-I'll see.

[ Chuckles ]

Kate. Well, hello, Cliff.

Is this how you make a living?

-Yes. Sometimes.

-I realized Cliff could be of great use to us,

through his connections.

He's liable to reach a breakthrough

long before we do.

-Well, we'll just have to keep in contact, then,

and exchange the latest news flashes.

-I was going to ask you just that,

to call me whenever you want,

whenever you feel the need to speak to someone.

-I might do that. Thank you.

-Come in. Take a seat.

Uh, sorry to bring you down here with a police escort.

We don't like to take any chances.

-You haven't caught him yet?

-No, we haven't caught him yet,

but with your help, we might get a bit nearer to it.

Now, as I understand it,

you were in your booth with a customer.

-He was such a nice guy.

-Yeah. Yeah, they always are.

And you were talking to him, and the curtains opened.

The killer came in, committed the crime,

and then just went out.

-That's right. It was horrible.

-Now, then... did you see his face?

-Yes. -You did?!

You saw his face? So you can describe him?

-Well, no.

You see, he was wearing a mask,

and there was blood on the glass.

It sort of covered everything up.

-I see.

So you're telling me that a man

can stand in front of you, commit a murder,

then turn around and walk out,

and you don't remember a single thing about it?!

-I do remember onething.

His eyes.

They sort of smiled behind the mask.

If I saw those eyes again, I'd recognize him.

If he was smiling.

-Not a lot to go on, but it's something.

Right. I want you to go straight home.

In fact, we'll take you home in a police car

and put a 24-hour guard on you.

-Can't I go back to work? -Well, I think

it'd be inadvisable under the circumstances.

You must remember he knows that you saw him, even with a mask.

So...

Yes, can we have a car standing by

to take Miss Graham, please?

Yes, straight to our apartment and maintain a 24-hour guard.

If you go down to the main lobby,

you'll find a Sergeant Stephens waiting for you.

Alright? -Is that it?

-That's it. Thanks very much for coming in.

Yeah.

Are you Sergeant Stephens?

-Sergeant Stephens? He's just popped around the corner.

But he'll be back in a minute. Can I help?

-Tell him I've gone on already. Can you?

-Well, if you'll hang on, he'll only be a second.

-That's alright. He was supposed to give me a lift,

but I'm in a bit of a hurry, so I'll just go on ahead.

♪♪

[ Telephone rings ]

-Chief Inspector Harris' apartment.

-Could I speak to Chief Inspector Harris, please?

-Oh, I'm afraid he's not in. Who's calling?

-My name's Kate Briosky.

I need to speak to him urgently.

Do you know where I can find him?

-Well --

-Please. It's very important.

-Today's the day he visits Parklands.

He goes there once a month. Regular as clockwork.

-Parklands. Do you have the number there?

-Oh, I don't think you should ring him there.

But he'll be going straight to the Yard after.

Can't it wait? -I suppose it'll have to.

-Oh, um, please don't mention

that I said about Parklands.

I don't think he'd like anyone to know about it.

-About what? -I've said too much already.

Ring him at the Yard this afternoon.

-Yes. Alright. Thank you.

[ Receiver clicks ]

♪♪

[ Receiver clicks ]

-I'm back. -Thank God for that.

We're losing business! -[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

-Hi. I'm Sherry. What's your name?

-I haven't come here to give you my name.

-Alright. You want to get straight to the nitty-gritty?

That's fine by me. You know the rules?

-Rules? What rules?

-You want to talk, talk.

You want to see my tits, that's an extra five.

For £15, I'll take everything off.

And for £50, anything goes.

What you do on your side of the glass is your business.

[ Chuckles ] Hey. What's with you?

It's you.

-[ Grunts ] -[ Screaming ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Screams ]

♪♪

[ Sobbing ]

♪♪

[ Grunts ] No!

-Shut up, you bitch. Or I'll shut you up.

-What are you gonna do to me? -I haven't decided yet.

-Why did you take me? I never hurt you!

-You went to the police.

-I didn't tell them anything.

-No, but you would have done.

-I didn't see your face. You were wearing a mask!

-Now, you see, it's too late.

You haveseen my face.

-Please. Please let me go.

I'll do anything. Please. Let me go.

Please.

-You're all the same, aren't you?

You sell little pieces of yourself.

£5 for this.

£15 for that.

£50, and anything goes.

But you're not selling desire.

You're selling your souls.

-You can't leave me here. I can't breathe. I'll die.

Please let me go. Please.

-While I'm gone,

I want you to think of the error of your ways.

-Then you'll let me go.

-No.

Then I kill you.

-[Whimpers]

[Footsteps depart]

-And that is Kelly Baker as the peepshow girl.

She only had two film credits,

and both of those were Dick Randall movies.

She was also in "Slaughter High,"

the movie he made immediately after

"Don't Open Till Christmas."

And anyway, Alan Lake, who plays the killer.

I mentioned him before.

He would have been very recognizable

to British audiences, not just because of his many film roles.

He usually played the brooding outsider

in a lot of films.

But because he was in the tabloids all the time.

He and Diana Dors were this power couple

with an extravagant lifestyle full of sex and alcohol

and drugs and wild parties.

And he got jailed for a bar fight in 1970,

and then he broke his back in 1972

in a horseback-riding accident.

And the recovery from that accident was very rough,

and that led to more drinking.

And he had psychotic episodes.

Unfortunately, he did not live to see this film.

He had beaten the drinking problem,

but he and Diana Dors lost a baby to a miscarriage,

and that triggered his alcoholism again.

And then Diana Dors was diagnosed with ovarian cancer,

and she died a few months later in May of 1984.

And five months after that, Alan Lake shot himself.

And, by the way, the Santa Claus at the circus.

That was Derek Ford, the screenwriter I talked about,

the "male nymphomaniac."

He had started in the '50s as a radio writer.

And then in the '60s

he started writing sex and horror flicks.

The first two he wrote

were "Gutter Girls" and "A Study in Terror."

And then he went back and forth between London and Italy.

He wrote some nudie films in Rome.

And he -- he also had a tragic ending.

He died of a heart attack

while he was shopping in a WHSmith.

WHSmith -- that's the equivalent in the U.S.

of Hudson Booksellers,

one of those newsstand bookstores

that only exist in the airport or the train station, you know?

So, that was in 1995

that he keeled over in the WHSmith,

presumably in the adult-magazine section.

Alright. I'm gonna go ahead and change the charity

for this next section of

"Joe Bob's Ghoultide Get-Together."

Our second charity tonight

is the Motion Picture & Television Fund,

founded 100 years ago by Mary Pickford

to give financial assistance

to actors who were out of work and down on their luck.

And the main thing they do is they run

the Motion Picture Retirement Home

in Woodland Hills, California.

And the more money they have,

the more people can get in there,

'cause it's a very desired destination for actors

and other motion-picture people who end up in poverty

at the end of their careers.

A lot of well-known names have spent their retirement years

at Woodland Hills,

like Bud Abbott of Abbott and Costello.

Whit Bissell.

This audience would know Whit Bissell,

the guy from "I Was a Teenage Werewolf"

and "Invasion of the Body Snatchers"

and "Creature from the Black Lagoon."

Zsa Zsa Gabor ended up there.

Eddie Carroll, who was the voice of Jiminy Cricket.

-Aww. -Yvonne De Carlo.

Elsa Lanchester, the Bride of Frankenstein herself,

lived out her years at Woodland Hills.

Stanley Kramer, the director.

Both Curly and Larry of the Three Stooges.

I know Larry was the entertainment director

at Woodland Hills for years, despite being in a wheelchair.

Annette Funicello. Joel McCrea.

Hattie McDaniel. Lois Nettleton.

Donald O'Connor. Helen Reddy.

Mack Sennett. Norma Shearer.

Jay Silverheels.

You know, the guy who played Tonto.

Johnny Weissmuller -- Tarzan himself --

lived out his years at Woodland Hills.

So you get the idea. Poverty can hit anybody

at the time they need money the most,

and the Motion Picture & Television Fund

takes care of as many people as they can

in the years after Hollywood is done with them.

The Motion Picture Home is not the only thing they do.

They also provide all kinds of health --

health services, support services,

to motion-picture people

who are not ready for Woodland Hills.

But Woodland Hills is the main thing they do.

Okay, Darcy, even you have to admit

that this movie is a royal mess.

-But it's so fun!

-You know what makes it fun, though?

The scenes are all 15 seconds long,

except when somebody is being killed,

which is almost all the time.

It's got to be the low point of Edmund Purdom's career.

He directed it. Though not really.

He started out directing it.

He stars in it as Inspector Harris,

but he seems to be sleepwalking through the whole thing.

-Maybe he was tired from all those sex parties.

-Well, I hope it was a good reason like that.

He gave a really weird interview where he said,

"I'm very well-equipped to direct horror films

because one of my four wives tried to kill me."

-Life experience, man.

-Anyway, everybody has forgotten this today,

but Edmund Purdom had two big starring roles

in the early '50s.

Marlon Brando broke his contract.

He was supposed to star in "The Egyptian."

So 20th Century Fox gave the part to Purdom.

And that's the time -- I've told this story before.

That's the time when they put Edmund Purdom's

handprints and footprints in the sidewalk

outside Grauman's Chinese Theater.

And then the public outcry was so enormous

that a week later they removed his handprints and footprints.

The only time that's ever happened.

That's got to mess with your head, you know?

Anyway, he starred in this big-budget

Technicolor epic called "The Egyptian,"

along with Victor Mature and Gene Tierney.

And then he followed that up with a starring role

in "The Student Prince" with Anne Blyth.

It was a big-budget musical,

but they didn't use Purdom's voice for --

It was a musical. They used Mario Lanza.

Edmund Purdom had two things going for him --

extremely good-looking

and he had one of those rich baritone voices.

That takes you far on the British stage, you know?

In fact, one of his lines when he made "The Egyptian" was,

"You have bold eyes for the son of a cheese maker."

[ Laughter ]

The only way he gets away with that line

is he's got that voice, you know?

So, anyway, while he was -- while he was hot,

he made a movie called "Athena,"

and that's where he met the Mexican actress Linda Christian,

who was Tyrone Power's wife at the time,

while Purdom was still married to his first wife.

And the two of them started this affair

and eventually moved to Rome together.

When Purdom's career started to peter out

in the late '50s, he went to Rome to get work.

He was strictly a costume drama guy, you know?

He made "The Prodigal" with Lana Turner.

He made "The King's Thief," also with Anna Blyth.

Both box-office failures. So he went to Rome.

He started making low-budget rip-offs

of Hollywood costume dramas like "Herod the Great" in 1959

and "The Night They Killed Rasputin" in 1960.

And the rest of his career

was what they called Eurotrash at the time.

And probably the best of all the movies

he made in his later years

was "Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks," which was 1974.

And that was the first time he worked for Dick Randall.

He mostly stayed in Rome because of his speaking voice.

He had this steady career as a dubbing artist.

And he died there in 2009.

Okay, Darcy, I presume the Advent prizes get better

as the month goes on, right?

We got to think that, right?

So we're up to December 7th. Pearl Harbor Day.

So go for it.

-Aah. You got it? -What is it?

Oh, it's big. There you go.

-That's what she said.

Aww. It's so cute.

-Yeah, all this stuff is cute.

-Aww. It winds up. It's like a music box.

-Really? Okay.

[ Music-box music playing ]

Alright. Good.

-So you ready for yours? -Yeah. Here it goes.

-Door number 8, baby. -Alright. What is it?

-Can you get it? -I think so.

-I got it for you. -Alright. I got it.

-Okay. Teamwork.

-What -- I don't know. What is it?

Oh.

It's -- [ Sniffs ] Oh, fuck.

It's men's cologne. I hate cologne.

[ Laughter ]

-I think you -- -I'll show you why I hate it.

Smell that.

-I mean, it's --

-Alright. -It's fine.

You just ruined your Advent gift.

-You're right. You're right.

You know, I should have left it unopened.

That's what I should've done.

It could be a complement to my Wet-Nap.

Where's my Wet-Nap? -They're not all decorative.

-Well, okay. Ahh. Yeah.

Some of them are actually fun to receive, so -- Not mine.

-I am sure you're gonna get a good one.

-Alright. I don't really care. It's not my thing. But whatever.

-Boss. Christmas spirit. -Oh, yeah.

-Wow! I can't wait to open the rest of these little doors!

-Yay! -Alright. Back to the movie.

-Cool.

-Is there some Advent tradition that says

the odd numbers are cute

and the even numbers are like coal in your stocking?

Is that part of the deal? -No, not at all. No.

-So, next break -- I'm gonna go first next break.

-No problem. -Because you know what?

I think our art director, Yuki. Yuki Nakamura.

I think he may have been a little mischievous

with the Advent calendar.

-I'm not mischievous.

-Oh. You -- Alright.

This is an honest Advent calendar?

-All gifts are cheap.

-Well, I know they have to be cheap,

but some of them are also lame, Yuki.

-No lame. Cheap.

[ Laughter ]

-Is Christmas a big deal in Japan?

-No.

-Nobody does anything at Christmas?

-We go to Disneyland and watch the parade.

-You go to Disneyland Tokyo? -Yes.

-Do they have cheap gifts at Disneyland?

-Yes.

[ Laughter ]

-Are they lame? -Yes.

[ Laughter ] -Alright.

Thank you, Yuki, for that Yuletide

cross-cultural lesson in knickknacks.

-You're welcome.

[ Laughter ]

-Don't forget -- you can also help tonight's cause

to receive limited-edition "Ghoultide Get-Together" merch.

For $50, you'll get a

"Ghoultide Get-Together" T-shirt.

For $100, you'll receive both the T-shirt

and a matching "Ghoultide Get-Together" hoodie.

Finally, for $150, you'll get all that

plus the Darcy and Joe Bob pint glasses.

All profits go to tonight's worthy causes.

Happy holidays from "The Last Drive-In."

-There's nothing quite like the warm feeling

you get at a Cracker Barrel,

especially during the holidays. -Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

-Joe Bob Briggs would love to tell you all about

how the Grandma Sampler

is a breathless sword fight on your tongue

between sugar cured ham and buttermilk pancakes.

Hell, he'd love to show you his personal favorite

of the 6,816 possible solutions to that peg game.

He'd love to say all that and more

but is probably knee-deep in a short stack right now.

So instead, why not ask him yourself?

Exclusively for charity, beat on the chance to have

Joe Bob and Darcy come to your house

and take your entire family

to the finest Cracker Barrel near you.

For more information, visit ghoultidegettogether.com.

[Static]

[Vehicles passing]

-Can I speak to Inspector Harris?

He's at home? Yes. Get him for me, please.

Hello, sir. Yes. It's -- It's Powell.

-[Speaking indistinctly]

-Well, sir, I just thought I'd call in, in case you...

-[Speaking indistinctly]

-You're off the case?

-[Speaking indistinctly]

-I see.

♪♪

There's been another killing.

-And you're holding me?

On what charge?

-No.

I'm letting you go. Releasing you once and for all.

Satisfied?

-Once and for all?

How come?

Because I believe I know the right man.

♪♪

-[Slurring] ♪ I'm dreaming of a white Christmas ♪

Where's the part-- Where's the party?

-Where do you think you're going, eh?

-There's a party going on.

[Noisemaker squeaks]

-Look, there's no party here, mate.

Oh!

[Noisemaker squeaks]

-I'm looking for the party! -Come on, out, out!

This is stage door. -I'm looking for the party.

-Look... -I'm the guest of honor!

-You're no guest of honor. Come on, out.

You come back again, and I'll call the police.

Come on. -Merry Christmas to you.

-Out! -Merry Christmas.

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

-Oi! Where do you think you're going?

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

Miss Munro and members of the band,

this is your call, please.

Miss Munro and members of the band,

this is your call, please.

♪♪

[Audience chattering]

♪♪

Stand by, house lights. LX cue 1.

Fly cue 1.

Smoke and effects.

House lights, L cue 1.

Fly cue 1. Go.

[Mid-tempo rock music plays]

[Applause]

♪♪

-♪ I'm the warrior of love ♪

♪ Yes, I am ♪

♪ I'm coming to get you ♪

♪ I'm the warrior of love ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I'm coming to get you ♪

♪♪

♪ We don't have to fight ♪

♪ Baby, just surrender ♪

♪ I would treat you better, be so warm and tender ♪

♪ Get you in my sight, you got no love protection ♪

♪ Baby, you can't hide away from my affection ♪

♪ I'm the warrior of love ♪

♪ Yes, I am ♪

♪ I'm coming to get you, baby ♪

♪ I'm the warrior of love ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I'm coming to get you ♪

♪♪

♪ I can't take the heat ♪

♪ I'm burning with your fire ♪

♪ No place to retreat ♪

♪ You are my desire ♪

♪ Get you in my love embrace ♪

♪ Escape is out of question ♪

♪ You can't run away ♪

♪ So look in my direction ♪

♪ I'm the warrior of love ♪

♪ Yes, I am ♪

♪ I'm coming to get you ♪

♪ I'm the warrior of love ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I'm coming to get you ♪

-Trap door, cue 7.

Go.

♪♪

-Ohh!

[Screams]

♪♪

[Intercom buzzes]

-Hello?

Oh, Sergeant Powell. Please come up.

-Miss Briosky, I came as soon as I could.

Things are pretty hectic, as you can imagine.

-I can. Would you like a drink?

-No, thanks. I can only stay a few minutes.

What do you have to tell me?

-Well, it's rather embarrassing.

I feel I'm betraying a confidence.

-Get to the point, Miss Briosky.

-I telephoned Harris's apartment today.

He wasn't there.

I spoke to the housekeeper,

and she said something quite interesting.

-Oh, really? What did she say?

-She said that he was visiting Parklands.

-Parklands? So?

-So? It's a lunatic asylum.

Look, I've been doing my own investigation.

There's no record of his name at Somerset House.

Now, if the records are to be believed, then he doesn't exist.

-Miss Briosky, I came here

because you had something important to tell me.

Now, to say he doesn't exist seems a bit ridiculous.

I think you've made a mistake.

-I haven't made a mistake. Maybe he's changed his name.

-You're up a gum tree. So what if he changed his name?

-Look, I think there's something weird going on.

Harris keeps inferring that Cliff

had something to do with it.

But Cliff was standing right by me when my father was killed.

-Miss Briosky, I'm afraid I have to go.

-Look, I know I'm on the right track.

-Well, if you find anything, let me know.

We'll get there in the end.

But I'm afraid the register of births and deaths

is not the way.

♪♪

-Dr. Bridle will see you now, miss.

-Thank you.

♪♪

[Door opens]

♪♪

[Click]

[Choir singing Christmas carol]

♪♪

[Door closes]

♪♪

-Scotland Yard.

-Oh, hello. Could I speak to Sergeant Powell, please?

It's urgent.

-Sergeant Powell's out till 9:00,

but I'll put you through to the duty sergeant.

You can talk to him. -No, it's all right.

Just tell Sergeant Powell it's Kate Briosky speaking,

and can he ring me as soon as he gets in?

Thank you.

♪ Glo-o-o-o-o-o-ria♪

♪ Hosannah in excelsis♪

♪ E'en so here down below♪

♪ Let steeple bells be swungen♪

♪ And i-o, i-o, i-o♪

-Here you are, little boy. Here's a train for you.

♪ Glo-o-o-o-o-o-ria♪

♪ Hosannah in excelsis♪

♪ Glo-o-o-o-o-o--♪

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

-Aah!

♪♪

[Groaning]

♪♪

-♪ We go again ♪

Oh, there's filth everywhere.

Oh.

[Groans, whimpers]

-Yes? Who is it?

-Hi, it's me -- Kate.

-Come on in. You're on the right floor.

[Mid-tempo piano music plays]

♪♪

Hello. What's the problem?

-I wanted to see you.

Your card did offer a 24-hour service.

-Oh. [Chuckles]

I'm sorry. Maybe you've got someone here.

-No, no, there's no one. Let me take your coat.

-Thank you.

-Come on through here.

As a matter of fact, it's a pleasure to see a fresh face.

And a very pretty one. Let me get you a drink.

-Thank you.

♪♪

Oh, Glenfiddich. Lovely.

♪♪

I was lucky to find you in. Must be quite a busy time.

-Oh, not particularly -- at any rate, for me.

I've been fired.

Do you want this straight? -Yes.

Fired?

-Well, suspended, officially.

-Really?

-Cheers.

♪♪

-Well, I have had a row with Cliff.

-I see.

-Cliff hasn't been himself recently.

Ever since you practically accused him

of being involved with those killings.

He's almost started acting as if he were.

-In what way? -He's become obsessed.

-Well, I'm no longer on this case officially.

-Well, in a way, that doesn't change anything for me.

You're the person I feel closest to at the moment.

-I bet you haven't had dinner yet.

-No, as a matter of fact, I haven't.

-It'll be my pleasure.

♪♪

And, well, it's Christmas Eve.

-Turkey.

-Good. With all the trimmings, Luigi.

Thank you.

-[Speaks Italian]

♪♪

-Twice I've told you my name.

And you haven't told me yours

-Ian Harris.

-Ian?

-Yes, it's not very interesting or romantic, I'm afraid.

I'm not even Scottish.

-I'm looking for the restaurant.

-You're not dressed for the restaurant, sir.

-Yes, I know that.

-I don't believe it.

He's followed us here.

-I was just looking for someone.

-Very good, sir. But you're not dressed for it.

♪♪

-[Grunts]

-This came in earlier. I think it's important.

[Down-tempo piano music plays]

♪♪

-How did you get in here?

-The porter showed me up.

It was cold in the alleyway.

-What do you want?

You can't just go barging into people's apartments uninvited.

-Ican.

I'm welcome everywhere.

I'm a member of society.

A very important one, they said.

-Look up Briosky in there for me, Dez.

-What are you doing?

-I had dinner with Inspector Harris.

He's expecting a call from me.

-Will you tell him that I'm here?

-No!

Yes.

-But then he will come and take me away.

Won't he?!

Answer me.

-I expect so.

-That's not very hospitable, is it?

-I saw Dr. Bridle today. We talked about you.

-Oh?

-Harris is your brother.

-Did he tell you that?

-No, I worked out myself.

-You're very clever. What else did you work out?

-Harris's real name is Harrison.

He changed it when -- -He changed it

when they put me into the loony bin.

He's very ashamed of his little brother.

-But he visited you every month.

-Under sufferance.

I told him I'd write to the papers if he didn't.

He used to tell me about his police work.

So I thought I'd give him a real case to work on.

-You killed my father.

-Yes.

It was...unfortunate,

but, you see...

he reminded me of Christmastime.

-Got it.

439 2369.

[Ringing]

-I should answer.

-No.

-Come on. Answer your...

[Ringing]

-It might be important.

It might be your brother. -No!

-Aah!

-Hello?

-[Groans]

[Screaming]

-Miss Briosky?

♪♪

She's put the phone down.

Or somebody's put the phone down.

Come on. We better go. I think she's in trouble.

[Static]

-Wow.

♪ You're the warrior of love ♪

-♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

-♪ Coming to get me ♪

[Laughs] -Yep.

-Okay. You said you were gonna nail that.

You nailed it.

You promised it. You delivered it.

-Is Caroline Munro in the building?

-[Laughs] Yes. -I mean, who's to say?

-Okay, you even got the hair right.

You know, that hair is wild.

Okay. This is where the movie gets really, really strange.

I think this is where most of the patchwork

additional scenes came in, because first we have that scene

where Santa gets his little red-nosed reindeer sliced off,

if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Then we have this completely bizarre sequence where Kate,

played by Belinda Mayne,

goes on a date with Inspector Harris,

who is both a murder suspect

and completely insensitive to the death of her father.

We think maybe she's playing him to get information, but no!

That unexplained visit to the mental hospital

results in two minutes of breathless exposition

right before Giles strangles her to death.

She already knows everything

when she has her Christmas Eve turkey dinner with Harris.

She really has a crush on Harris.

And then we have the whole

"peep-show girl chained up on a mattress" plot

where Giles is planning a spectacular killing.

Why?

'Cause now he doesn't care about Santa Claus anymore?

He just wants to torture and kill sex workers

because, quote, "They are selling their souls"?

And finally, how amazing is it that Caroline Munro

does a three-minute production number

at the Piccadilly Theatre

while Giles is chasing a Santa Claus

through the backstage area

and then displaying his cleaver-to-the-face handiwork

by means of a trap door,

just as she completes her performance?

And, Darcy, wow, you must really love Caroline Munro

if that's your favorite part of this movie.

-I definitely do.

-What is she doing in this movie?

-It does not matter.

She should be in every movie ever made.

-Well, we had her on the show once before in "Maniac,"

where she was one of the most popular Hammer girls

and Bond girls.

I think she may may have been the last Hammer girl

there was ever under contract at Hammer.

What would you say is her best film?

-"Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter."

-Good one.

She did that one and "Dracula A.D. 1972" for Hammer,

but she didn't last very long in the Dracula movie.

She was also in "Slaughter High,"

which was Dick Randall's next movie after

"Don't Up Till Christmas."

So, Darcy, why is Giles killing all the Santas?

-Because he hates Christmas.

It's explained at the end of the movie.

-It's true. And it's the same explanation

that we've had in two other Santa slashers.

I think the Kelly Baker plot, though,

was added on after Edmund Purdom left the movie.

-You might be right.

-Because why would we suddenly need

this "hooker in peril" sequence

with Giles tormenting the peep-show girl?

I mean -- although she's not the peep-show girl.

Is she the peep-show -- yeah, she's the peep-show girl.

You know, why wouldn't --

why wouldn't he be planning some spectacular scheme

to finish off all the Santas in London?

-Budget? [Laughter]

-Yes, but I think it's because Edmund Purdom

was supposed to have more to do in the last act of the movie

other than go on a date with Kate.

And he wasn't available because he quit,

so they had to improvise.

-You might be right.

-At any rate, I want to remind everybody

that we're still raising money in this section of the show

for the Motion Picture & Television Fund,

which was the --

they run the retirement home for actors

in Woodland Hills, California.

And they also do all kinds of health and wellness programs.

And they have emergency money for people who need it.

But now it's time for the Advent calendar.

-Yay! -[Groans]

-[Laughs]

-And this time I'm gonna make sure

they don't rig this thing against me.

-Go right ahead.

-'Cause I'm, you know -- I'm suspicious.

-Okay.

All right, where are we? We're at door number nine.

Here we go. What is it? I can't reach it.

-I gotcha.

-Okay. -There you go.

-It's a gingerbread.

-Yay. -Not too bad.

It's stale. [Laughter]

It's a stale gingerbread man.

Okay. -Of course it's stale.

The gifts are cheap.

-Okay, not thatcheap.

Okay. Go... Go...

[Laughter] -Okay.

-Sorry I offended you in the last segment, Yuki.

All right. Go ahead. Go for number 10.

-Ah, come here, number 10.

Hey!

Oh, I love Oreos. What is that?

-So do I. And they are vegan.

-Are they stale?

-No, they look brand-spanking-new. Yay.

-Are they special vegan Oreos or are all Oreos vegan?

-All Oreos are vegan. -Wow.

Okay. Nabisco is woke. Who knew?

-It's not woke. It's cruelty free. Ish.

-I wonder if my stale, crumbly gingerbread man is cruelty free.

-[Laughs] Definitely not.

-Okay. And I'm fine with that.

-Good for you. -All right.

So back to the movie.

We're not gonna do this every year, right?

-I mean, I do it at home every year.

-What if you just put gift cards in each door?

-That is a terrible idea.

When people say, "What do you want for Christmas?"

that's what I say -- gift card.

Just do a gift card.

-And people do that?

-No. Usually they don't. They buy me books.

-Well, books are expensive. That's a good gift.

-Darcy... -What?

-Never give a writer a book as a present.

-Why?

-Would you give Wolfgang Puck a pizza for Christmas?

-Oh, okay. I guess I see that.

-Give Wolfgang Puck a book. You know? In German.

-So, what should people give you?

-Whiskey, cigars, you know?

Actually, no, because they won't get the right whiskey

and I won't get the right cigars.

Don't do that. Don't do that.

-I can see why getting you gifts is a very hard thing to do.

-If you want to narrow it down,

liquor-store gift card, okay?

Cigar-shop gift card. You know?

Otherwise, it would be like giving you a costume.

-People do that.

-And how often do they give you a costume you can use?

-Well, it's the thought that counts. -Exactly.

You know what "It's the thought that counts" means?

-What? -Somebody got a fucked-up present.

[Laughter]

-Don't go away.

"Joe Bob's Ghoultide Get-Together"

will return in a moment.

Now, for a word from tonight's sponsors.

[Static]

-Big Joe Bob Briggs here

for Big Briggs Trailer Park, Furniture Outlet & More.

Not only does Big Briggs have the best deals

on lightly used deck furniture

on either side of the Mississippi,

but I'm also a self-taught interior decorator.

The yellow, depressing walls of your home have met their match

with these two incredible posters featuring me,

would-be male model turned Renaissance man Joe Bob Briggs.

The first is an original poster for my show

on The Movie Channel, "Drive-In Theater.'

This is an extremely rare print, probably because it resulted

in little to no increase in viewership.

But my loss is your gain!

And check out number two!

This sensitive depiction of me as the platonic ideal

of Paleolithic pulchritude.

"Iron Joe Bob."

This not-commercially-available poster

advertises my book of the same name

and is sure to turn heads in your guestroom,

bathroom, guest bathroom.

So get your buns down to Big Briggs

and snap these deals up

before the Metropolitan Museum of Art pulls up in a limo

and decides they've got to put them behind glass

next to that painting

of Washington crossing the Delaware.

Fun fact -- This poster was so unsuccessful

in generating interest in my book

that I had to bury all my extra stock in the desert

so I can claim it as a loss on my taxes.

So -- So that means this poster is extra rare!

Only like three left on the Planet Earth!

♪♪

Yep.

-♪ Just can't get enough ♪

♪ Give your home the Big Briggs touch ♪

♪ Big Briggs touch ♪

[Static]

[Siren wailing]

♪♪

-Search the place, Dez, quick.

-Okay. -Quick.

♪♪

Hello? Yes, this is Sergeant Powell.

Can you patch me through to the special squad, please?

♪♪

Yes, hello.

Yes, Powell.

I thought I told you to watch Harris night and day.

You did?

What, he's been in -- he's been in his apartment all night?

You're sure?

♪♪

Okay. Okay.

♪♪

-[Blowing]

Sir, I think our man's been spotted.

-Come on, let's go.

[Siren wailing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Electricity crackling] -[Screaming]

[Footsteps]

-I brought you something to eat.

-How can I eat with my hands tied?

-Yeah.

Okay.

If you try to escape,

be the worse for you.

-I won't. I promise.

What about you? Aren't you going to eat something?

-No.

I've already eaten.

-Christmas dinner, I expect.

-Christmas? How do you mean?

-You know, it's Christmas Day.

Goodwill towards men and all that.

-I hate Christmas.

I hate everything it stands for.

-That's a shame. -What would you know of it?

-Don't you remember when you were a little boy

listening to carol singers, sitting by the Christmas tree

waiting to open all those presents?

-Stop it. -Tinsel.

Colored fairy lights.

Plum pudding.

Snow falling.

-I said stop it!

-And then the arrival of Santa Claus.

-[Grunts]

[Rattling]

The key! Where's the key?!

♪♪

-This what you're looking for?

-[Whimpers] -You ungrateful bitch.

I give you a few more hours to live,

and this is how you repay me?

-What do you mean, a few hours more?

-Like you said, it's Christmas Day.

The day you die.

The supreme sacrifice to all the evil that Christmas is.

-Aaah!

-[Panting]

♪♪

[Clanks]

♪♪

[Clanks]

♪♪

[Clanks]

♪♪

[Clanks]

[Whimpering]

[Crying]

♪♪

[Crying] No. No.

♪♪

No.

♪♪

No!

♪♪

-[Screaming]

[Thud]

-[Panting]

♪♪

[Screaming]

-[Gasps]

[Up-tempo big-band music playing]

♪♪

-Come along, Giles.

Time to go to the Christmas tree.

Now then, Giles.

Let's see what Santa's brought for you.

♪♪

-But what about Ian?

There are presents for Ian too.

♪♪

-My, my.

What a nice knife!

A knife for a grown-up boy.

Isn't that nice, dear?

Oh, what a clever boy you are, Giles.

Mama's boy.

Mama's clever boy.

Oh!

Oh, he's such a pretty boy,

who needs lots of sleep,

make him grow up to be big and strong.

So off you go now to beddy-byes.

[Chuckles]

Night-night, darling.

♪♪

Gerald? Where are you?

-Get out!

-Gerald?

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

-[Exhales slowly]

♪♪

[Music-box music playing]

♪♪

[Explosion]

♪♪

[Synthesized "Silent Night" plays]

♪♪

[Static]

-Everybody dies.

Powell dies, Harris dies. Kate dies.

You know who didn't die? Cliff!

The obnoxious flute-playing Cliff.

And Giles, of course.

Giles survives the certain-death plunge

so he can strangle the peep-show girl.

So both final girls die. There's only a final creep.

[Laughs]

To give you just some slight indication

of how inept this movie is, though,

I saw a "making of" documentary that showed Edmund Purdom

getting made up for that final scene.

They had put horrible scar makeup

all over the left side of his face

so that when the Santa music box explodes,

he can fall out of his chair and turn his head

so we see the scar makeup.

And it was great scar makeup.

But when the shot happens, he doesn't turn his head.

You never see the scarred side of his face.

He just falls out of the chair.

So they missed the shot, wasted the makeup.

And then we have the flashback explanation

for why Giles is killing the Santa Clauses,

and it's because he sees his father as Santa having sex

with someone who's not his mom.

And then his mom walks in, and he knocks her down the stairs.

Now, normally, like in "Christmas Evil,"

the flashback shows Santa having sex with mom,

but that was too vanilla for this crew making this movie.

So, anyway, "Don't Open Till Christmas"

came out at the same time

"Silent Night, Deadly Night" came out.

And if you'll recall, "Silent Night, Deadly Night"

sparked protests all over the country

and a lot of theaters canceled the run

and the distributor eventually pulled it.

So, knowing that this was going on,

the low-rent distribution company, 21st Century

decided to put "Don't Open Till Christmas"

in New York theaters to see what would happen,

hoping the same thing would happen.

The poster for the film had the tagline,

"Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,

not a creature was stirring, they were all dead."

[Laughter]

But then they put the picture out and nothing happened.

Apparently, murdering Santa Claus

is not as offensive to people as a Santa Claus who's a murderer.

Or maybe they just didn't have the promotion money

that the other company had.

But they didn't get the controversy

they were looking for.

Anyway, went quickly to video,

didn't make much of an impression,

Dick Randall only made two more feature films,

"Slaughter High" -- excellent high school slasher.

It was actually -- it was also marked by tragedy.

The star, Simon Scuddamore,

committed suicide right after production was completed.

Great performance, too, but that was his only performance.

And then Dick Randall's final film was in

one of the least popular subgenres -- necrophilia --

a film called "Living Doll," which featured Eartha Kitt.

Randall had so much income from his Bruce Lee movies --

he had really introduced kung fu movies to the West --

that he died a very wealthy man,

but he was still working deals on the day he died in 1996.

Okay, Darcy, why do you love

"Don't Open Till Christmas" so much?

-It's sleazy, and it's about London,

and it has a London dungeon, and I just --

I just never get bored by it.

-There are quite a few movies

that have killer Santas or killer elves,

but this is the only one I know of

where the killer is killing the Santas.

And when you think about it,

it sounds simple and easy to pay that off.

I mean, they could have done a whole lot more with it,

but raise some money and we'll remake it.

-Wow. On it for real. Yeah.

-Everybody keeps sending us money.

-[Laughs] All the money.

-This portion of tonight's special

is dedicated to the Motion Picture & Television Fund,

which takes care of actors and other Hollywood people

who are down on their luck

or they need a place to live after their careers are over.

And if you can't afford to bid on our auctions,

then go to the website and order

a "Last Drive-In" Christmas T-shirt for $50

or the T-shirt and a hoodie for $100.

Or the T-shirt, the hoodie, and the pint glasses for $150.

And all the money, 100% of it, goes to our four charities.

Okay. What you got for me?

-Well, first, we should probably do two more Advent days.

-We got to do the Advent days.

What the hell? Okay. What day are we on?

-The 11th.

-All right, I'll go first.

It is...

Oh, it's...

All right.

I'm...

"I'm laying on your present."

-Ooh! Saucy. -I don't get it.

Oh. -You get it.

-Santa Claus is nekkid. Okay. -[Laughs]

Yay.

-Well, Darcy, you know how often I wear T-shirts.

-Never. -Where do you wear this T-shirt?

To an episode of "Jersey Shore"? -That'd work. [Laughs]

-Okay, your turn.

-All right. Door number 12.

Ah, can you get it?

-There we go. What is this?

-I love this.

Aww.

-You're gonna have to open a cute store.

I love it so much. -It's an elf?

-Yes. -Where you going to put that?

-Well, if it won't go on a tree,

I'll just put it on my bedside table.

-I feel like I'm on QVC, you know?

Note the detail on the knee-hugging elf's...

rosy cheeks.

Hand-dappled. [Laughs]

-It is adorable.

But I also have a letter for you.

-Great. Let's do something else.

-[Laughs] Here you go.

It's from Gary Duffy of Modesto, California.

-Okay.

"Dear Joe Bob,

I believe these maps are out of print."

Oh, wow.

-Yeah, I know.

-What?

Oh, wow. -[Laughs]

-This is like -- this is an actual...

Oh, my God.

[Man laughs]

This is an actual roadmap

with every Cracker Barrel in the nation on the map.

-It is, and you don't need that.

-What do you mean I don't need that?

Everybody would need one of these.

-I mean, if you really have to go,

you can just type Cracker Barrel into Google Maps,

and it'll tell you where the nearest one is.

-No, Darcy, I'm old-school.

You can do long-range Cracker Barrel planning

with a map like this.

-[Laughs] -All right.

"More than likely,

the majority of these restaurants are still around."

What is the date on this map?

It must be like they just did this a long time ago.

Because I don't -- I don't see a date.

Do you know what the date is on this? -2008.

-2008 they were still making these?

Wow. I would have thought '56.

-2008? I don't know how many they've built.

We have friends at Cracker Barrel.

We can ask them how many they built since 2008.

-I'll get on that. -I'll put them on there.

-Oh, God. Gary, what have you done?

-I'll update the map by hand. -Cool.

-"I hope this map aids you in your adventures.

Oh, and sorry, Darcy.

I know you can't eat much there."

Actually, that's no longer true,

because they just introduced plant-based sausage.

-They did, but it's really controversial.

-Sausage is not contro-- sausage built this country.

That's not controversial.

-I don't know about that.

But some people are really opposed to plant-based foods.

-Well, screw that. Choice is good.

Don't make me eat that stuff, but otherwise...

All right. "P.S. I know my printing is like that

of an elementary school dropout, but I can draw very well.

Fuck if I know why.

Gary Duffy. Modesto, California."

Thank you, Gary. And he has this...

Thank you, Gary.

We'll be using this when we do

our Cracker Barrel rescue stunt this year.

He has a "Psycho" -- drawing from "Psycho" on here.

-And it's really good.

-One of the auction items tonight is we come to your house

and we take your whole family to Cracker Barrel, you know?

So, no matter where you live.

I think there's like 100 mile limit, though.

Because believe it or not, in this day and age,

there are still remote parts of the world

that do not have access to Cracker Barrel.

I know -- I know at H.Q. back in Lebanon, Tennessee,

they're working tirelessly to correct that problem.

But if there's no way

to get your family to a Cracker Barrel

will probably go to the next best alternative.

You know? -I don't like that.

You don't? What do you mean?

-It should be Cracker Barrel or nothing.

[Laughter]

-Darcy, I'm the Cracker Barrel fanatic.

You're the person who orders broccoli and grits

and water when we go there.

Although now you can order plant-based sausage.

-I guess your enthusiasm has just worn off on me.

They sell Sky Bars in the gift shop.

-I know that.

-I mentioned that before.

-Yeah, about 15 bajillion times.

-I got a Sky Bar here. -I know you do.

-You know how often -- you know,

they stopped making the Sky Bar in 2018.

But then some very patriotic Americans

bought the license to Sky Bar,

and they've continued to make them.

You know, there's two scenes in "House of the Devil"

where they feature the Sky Bar.

Okay. -Gary!

-Anyway... [Laughter]

I-I will treasure this map, Gary,

till the day I die.

And I'll probably die from eating too much

sugar-cured ham at Cracker Barrel.

-Don't say that.

And that's it for the first half

of "Joe Bob's Ghoultide Get-Together."

I'll see you guys after the break

with a second Christmas classic.

And in the meantime,

this is Joe Bob Briggs and Darcy the Mail Girl

reminding you that sometimes the sex is so good

that even the neighbors have a cigarette.

And the drive-in will never die.

What's the official name of Santa's helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

-Oh! [Laughter]

-What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs?

Whatever you want. He can't hear you.

[Laughter]

Why did Santa kick Raggedy Ann out of the present bag?

Because she sat on Pinocchio's nose and said,

"Lie to me, baby!"

[Laughter]

-Okay, you get points for the enthusiasm on that one.

-What do the female reindeer do when they're bored?

♪♪

They go into town and blow a few bucks.

[Laughter]

-Wow. -Enough?

-Yeah. Yeah. -Okay.

-Don't go away.

"Joe Bob's Ghoultide Get-Together"

will return in a moment.

[Static]