All language subtitles for Lucifer_S05E03_¡Diablo!.English (CC)

[Lucifer] So you're telling me that
my dickhead twin

showed up on Earth, assumed my identity,

and then wreaked all sorts of havoc
on my life?

That about covers it, yes.

Great. Great, and you came down here
to tell me this why?

Just to torture me? [sighs]

I suppose this is
the appropriate place for it.

Yeah, is there somewhere else
that we can talk?

I don't like having private conversations
in the hallways,

and Kenneth doesn't mind, do you, Kenny?

-It's not funny. It's not funny!
-No.

No, it certainly isn't.

My slopey-shouldered brother
is pulling a prank

hardly worthy of Saved by the Bell
in order to humiliate me.

This isn't about you, Lucy.
Michael's threatened Charlie's safety.

Oh, please.

Michael needles people's fears.

It's what he does.

But we also know
he's all bark and no bite.

Don't you remember, growing up?

He'd get under your skin
with one of his schemes,

then you'd give him one of your
atomic wedgies, and that'd be that.

I don't think a wedgie's gonna do it
this time.

Things have... changed up in Heaven.

Last time I was there,

Michael had managed to seat himself
at Father's right hand.

So, Dad's talking to him?

No.

No, he's talking to Father,
but he's the only one.

Nobody else in the Silver City
has a line to Him.

Nobody, and Michael has seen to it.

Michael?

Weaselly, cowardly Michael?

[scoffs] Now suddenly the power
behind the throne?

Without being able to speak to Father,
who knows?

But he is stronger than you think, Lucy.

Michael's become...

untouchable in the Silver City.

Well, he's not in the Silver City now,
is he?

So excuse me while I go touch him.

I can see how that's
a poor choice of words.

Just...

hold the fort while I'm gone.

-Hold the...
-[door slams]

What?

[recording of clown laugh plays]

[circus music plays]

Should we...

get back to work or...

[sighs]

Burnt coffee and body odor
never smelled so good.

Hm.

Hello, Detective.

No. No.

Get the hell out of here.

-Detective, I can explain.
-No, I don't want to hear it.

If you didn't understand
the first four times I shot you,

I will gladly shoot you again, Michael.

It's me. It's Lucifer.

-Do you expect me to fall for that again?
-But...

Look at the hair...

or the perfectly arranged pocket square.

Could Michael pull this off?
I don't think so. [chuckles]

[Chloe] I...

Cacuzza, come here. Come here.

Oh, it's good to see you again.

-Hi.
-Tell me.

What is it you desire?

I...

I want to figure out how
to disable the cameras in Evidence

so I can nap in there.

Oh! Naughty you.

Thank you.

Now, I know my brother can't do that.

It's really you.

[exhales sharply]

How?

It's a funny story, actually.

So, there I was in Hell, and--

[sighs]

Unfortunately, I can't stay for long.

Day job and all that.

It's okay...

I understand.

I just... I just needed
to make sure you're okay.

But of course you saw
through Michael's charade,

my clever Detective.

Well, I... It did take a bit.

He was very convincing.

-And some of the things he said were--
-Well, good news on that front.

Every word that comes out
of that admittedly dashing face is a lie.

Oh, well, that's a relief,
because he said something so insane,

I, well, obviously knew
it had to be a lie.

[groans] Did he claim
he's friends with Elvis?

'Cause the King's still alive and
I'm the only one who knows where.

-So...
-[laughs] No, he told me...

Get this, he told me that
I was a gift from God.

[laughs] That's, uh...

That's what he said.

I mean, that's... [chuckles]

That's crazy.

That's...

That's not true, right?

[Lucifer exhales nervously]

Lucifer, I am not...

a gift from God made just for you, right?

Yes.

I-I know how it sounds, but...

trust me, when my mom told me...

Your mom told you?

Your mom told...

What? Over a year ago?

You've kept this the whole time?

Well, back then, you didn't even believe
in the celestial side of things.

A-A-Anyway, Mom only told me
because she was trying to keep us apart.

Why...

Why? 'Cause if you knew I were a gift
from your dad, you'd what, throw me away?

She thought if I knew the truth,

it would mean the feelings
that I had for you weren't real,

that I'd feel you were just some...
some tool to manipulate me.

But I don't feel that way,

because I realized, D-Detective,

I realized
that whether you were made for me or not,

it doesn't matter.

Well, it matters to me.

Hey, we've got a body. WB Studios.

Oh...

Unless I'm interrupting.

No. You're not interrupting.

Perfect timing.

Such a gift. [scoffs]

Wow. Huh.

Hey, that-- That reminds me.

I made something for you.

It's just like mine.

Huh?

Why on Earth would I want that? Detective!

Detective, wait.

No, I don't have time for this.
I have work to do.

But, Detective,
you're the only reason I'm here.

Apparently you're the only reason
I'm here.

So I'm going to do my job that I chose.

And don't you have somewhere to be?

Oh, Michael, you bastard.

[police radio chatter]

[Chloe] Hey, Ella.

-Hey.
-[camera shutter clicks]

What do we have?

Meet Matt Owens,

stabbed to death.

We're still looking for the murder weapon.

He was a TV writer.

A showrunner, in fact,

in charge of a series
that shoots here on the lot.

I mean, dude's gotta figure,

he's the boss, he's got all these plans,
and then bam!

Somebody else has a plan for him,
you know?

Hmm. Yeah.

You okay?

[groans] Lucifer and I had, um, sort of
a difficult conversation.

I... I might have told him to go to Hell.

Oh, yeah, relationship drama.

Huh, believe me, I hear ya.

I could tell you some stories,
like this one time in Mexico,

but I totally will not
tell you some stories, 'cause...

[Chloe] Mm-hmm.

...trust me.

If the worst thing you said to him was
"Go to Hell"...

-[engine revs]
-...you're totally okay.

Well, you'd think that, but--

Detective!

-Lucifer.
-Detective.

Thank you.

[Chloe] Hey!

-You're still here.
-Yes.

And I'm not going anywhere
until I know you're okay.

Oh. Well--

Well, I mean, I'm--
I'm happy to hear that, but I'm sorry.

I mean...

If God made me for you, He probably
would want me to feel that way.

-[sighs]
-So I just...

I need a little time to absorb
all of it.

Right. Well, in the meantime,
why don't we absorb whilst we work?

I may as well help solve this murder
for you whilst I'm up here fixing things.

Uh, I don't think this is an easy fix.
This isn't one of those cases

where you just waltz in
and figure it out as you go.

Oh. Hello.

I know that man.

Really?

Yes, that's Matt Owens.

I did him a favor a couple years ago

to help get his career started
as a TV writer.

Huh. That does sound like our victim.

-Huh. You really know him?
-Oh, yes.

Yes. I mean, even after the favor,
he'd come over and we'd talk for hours.

It's funny, I've been wondering
what he was up to recently.

You know, before I went...

-Right.
-Yeah.

I may know the answer to that.

[Lucifer] Huh.

Actually, now I think of it,
we did mostly talk about me.

Hm.

Huh.

-[groans]
-I have to hand it to you, Diablo,

your unorthodox method solved the case
that stumped the rest of us.

You managed to bring in the kidnapper
and rescue his victim

in time to administer
her life-saving insulin.

It's damn fine police work.

It was a devil of a case, but
this scum didn't stand a chance in Hell.

Book him.

Diablo,

I don't get it.

How did you manage to get a lead
from a single strand of dental floss?

[laughs] Like I keep telling you,
Detective Doofus...

[officers laugh]

...I've got connections in the underworld.

-This is the show that you helped Matt--
-Shh!

This is the show that you helped Matt
get on the air?

No, no, no.

All I did was introduce him
to a network exec.

I had no idea why he was asking me
so many questions.

But I have to say, it's shocking.

I mean, the way in which he's brought
my descriptions to life, the accuracy,

is truly eerie.

I can see why he had
such a meteoric rise in the biz.

Obviously the man was a tremendous talent.
Thank you.

-[Chloe sighs]
-Thank you.

Oh, no, thanks.

Huh?

City Council...

has asked me to present you...

with this.

[officers cheering]

Thank you, everyone.

But really, I should share this
with my partner.

Where is she?

Detective Dancer?

Sorry, Diablo.

I was just pumping a suspect for leads.

Oh!

Is that a commendation for you?

For us.

If anyone deserves this,

it's a woman who's gone from
the stripper pole to the detective pool

in just three years.

Oh, dear.

I think you could have given it
a once-over.

It's a bit tarnished.

[both gasp]

Don't worry, Diablo.

You know I'll polish your bugle any time.

[man] And... cut!

Great. Circle back.

That's...

Is that how you described me to him?

Well, Matt didn't know everything.

Obviously, he took some creative license.

Are they going again?

[stage bell rings]

So it seems a little odd
that you all are shooting today,

since your showrunner was killed
this morning.

Matt would've wanted us to keep going.
We're the biggest hit of the fall,

and he was really proud of that.

People can't get enough Diablo.

[chuckles] Hear, hear.

Well, I think it's gross
that we're still working.

I mean, in all honesty,
I know it's bad to speak ill of the dead,

but I'm not surprised
someone stabbed Matt, either.

Um, why not?

The man was a control freak.

I mean, I know all showrunners
have to have an ego, but...

Matt was a megalomaniac.

Come on. The man was an artist.

-Sorry, is that a vape pen?
-Hot cinnamon.

Keeps the weight off.

[groans] You were doing so well.

So, the megalomaniac showrunner,

did he choose your wardrobe?

All his idea.

I wear what he gives me,
go where he tells me.

Oh. Okay.

I mean, does that bother you at all,

that you have no say
in what your character does or says?

Are you kidding?

I'm a lead in a hit show, and you know,

there are strippers out there
considering becoming detectives now.

I'm kind of a role model.

Oh, lovely.

Matt gave me that.

Interesting.

So, anyhow, did either of you
have a problem with Matt?

Us? No way.

[inhales sharply]
But let me tell you something.

I've been doing this job
for seven episodes now,

and if there's one thing I've learned,
it's why people kill.

Oh?

It's 'cause they yearn for something.
You want to find the killer,

figure out their yearning.

Right. Isn't there a better word for that?

No.

So, okay.

Who do you think yearned to kill Matt?

Keri Belwood, his number two.

You should talk to her.

Everyone knows she did all the work
on the scripts

and he took all the credit.

So Keri killed Matt
to finally be in charge?

Yes.

Her yearning was for his job.

Well, uh, of course, possibly.

There could be other motives to kill him.

Oh-oh! Sounds like we have
a Dancer answer.

-What?
-See,

Diablo comes up with the wild theories
and crazy hijinks,

and Dancer's the fun police.

"That's not procedure, Diablo."

-[laughs]
-Mm. I get it.

Okay. Well, thank you for your time.

Yes. Thank you.

Do they seem familiar to you?

[Dancer sighs]

So you left Amenadiel in Hell?

[Lucifer] Really, Doctor?

An evil twin, the detective finding out
she's a gift from God,

and that's the part you're stuck on?

Amenadiel.

The father of my child.

Oh, yes.

Heh. Well, not to worry, Doctor.
I'll, uh...

I'll put what Michael did right
and get Amenadiel back

before Charlie even notices
he's gone, okay?

But what about Michael?

Do you even know where he is?

Well, if past is prologue,

he's probably hidden himself off somewhere
to laugh about the mess he's made...

which is actually why I'm here.

Michael didn't coax any awful,

soul-poisoning fears out of you, did he?

Me? No.

No.

No, not... Not out of me.

-No.
-Good.

Good, well...

that's a relief, 'cause I worry that this

"not having any free will
and being a puppet of fate" thing

may have
knocked the detective off her stride.

May have?

Lucifer, when you come back unexpectedly

and casually drop celestial bombs
on the people in your life,

you have to expect some shock...

some anger, some frustration.

In my defense, this particular bomb
was planted by my father

and set off by my brother, so--

Okay, well, instead of deflecting
responsibility, try empathizing.

Try really listening
to what your friends are saying.

What, so if I give people the opportunity,
they'll tell me what to do?

Exactly, like,

-bring back my baby's daddy from Hell.
-Yes, yes. Thank you.

I've got to go.

To Hell?

No, to find out what other chaos
Michael may have caused up here.

I mean, who knows how many people
I'll have to listen to?

[scoffs]

Thank you.

Keri Belwood? Detective Decker, LAPD.

I figured I'd be your first stop.

Why is that? In my experience,

the innocent don't normally expect
to be questioned by the police.

I've written 100 episodes
of TV murder mysteries

and I got the carpal tunnel to prove it.

Motive, opportunity...

It adds up.

Well, you know the math on this.
I can see why Matt put you in charge.

Yeah, I was the one who was always here
doing most of the work,

but I was definitely not in charge.

Matt was the worst kind of boss:

lazy and a control freak.

I can see why he'd be hard to deal with.

No, not really.

He never even came into the writers' room.
I'd usually send him a script overnight,

and by the morning,
it'd be completely changed.

So you and the writers would work in here
well into the night,

and then Matt would come
and undo all the work?

Do you know how dispiriting it is

to spend days figuring out
a clever clue path

just for your boss to replace it
with a lap dance?

Hmm. Yeah, I can see why

you doing all that work
and feeling like you have no control

could possibly make you angry.

My assistant can vouch that
I was here writing all morning.

So if you're suggesting
that I killed Matt to take his job,

then you need a new theory.

Besides, showrunners have all the power,
but you know what else they get?

The blame.

But I thought the show was doing well.

Well, that's almost worse.

You got a network show that's a hit,

suddenly everybody at the studio
takes an interest.

Everybody wants a piece of it,
and the second the ratings dip,

everyone wants someone to blame.

No, thanks.

I already got two ex-husbands
and three kids.

I don't need a drug problem
on top of that.

Matt had a drug problem?

All I know is,

one night Matt's email was down,

so I had to hand-deliver
a script at midnight.

He has me bring it to a seedy motel
full of tweakers and burnouts.

Insane writer under intense pressure

holed up in a crime-infested drug den?

Even Diablo could follow that clue path.

I see.

Well, I'll need you to give
an official statement at the precinct,

and then also, if you have
the address of that motel.

Sure.

Oh, Michael.

Of all the things you've done to hurt me,
this might cut the deepest.

[blades scraping]

Maze.

Oh! I missed you while I was gone.
[laughs]

You know, there was
a few tough nuts down there,

and there were times
I could've really used your blades!

[roars]

[grunting]

Mazikeen, please, let me explain.

-Mazikeen!
-[yells]

Hey!

-[roars]
-Listen to me, Mazikeen!

I'm not Michael. It's me.

Lucifer.

[panting]

Oh!

[grunts]

Wait. Wait, wait.

Would you rather that I was Michael?

Either.

He left me in the closet, but you...

You went to Hell without me.

You left me!

No, I didn't, Mazikeen.

You're not my servant anymore.
By all means, you're welcome to join me.

I don't have wings, you idiot!

Well, Amenadiel does.

Why didn't you just ask him
to fly you down there?

[scoffs]

[grunts] Look, I'm really trying
to listen,

so if you're telling me
that you'd like to stab me, then...

Just avoid the old parsnip,
for old time's sake.

Well, you know, my twin is
still likely skulking around.

It'd be a big help
if you'd like to stab him.

Stab him yourself.

[elevator dings]

Unbelievable.

Ah! Detective.

Sorry I'm late. Forgot about the traffic.

So, where are we going?

Uh, Room 18.

Oh, right. Good news.

Linda's fine, and Maze is, well, Maze.

And I figured out
how to fix things between us.

-Oh, how's that?
-Well, you're going to tell me what to do.

Ah, well, I'm sure that makes sense
to someone.

Yes.

Anyhow, so Matt had no family,
lived alone...

If he had a drug problem,
why not stay home?

Illicit venue for illicit acts, I suppose.

Be prepared for a good old-fashioned
Hollywood den of sin.

[Chloe] Hmm.

Huh.

Well, this place looks pretty tidy.

Doesn't look like a drug den to me.

I knew TV writing isn't all
hookers and blow like the '80s,

but I had no idea how sad it had got.

Over here? Number 18?

Hold on, someone's in there.

-Freeze! LAPD!
-Freeze! LAPD!

-Drop the gun!
-Drop the gun!

Wait. I'm a real cop with a real gun.

That's a prop.

Put it down.

Sorry. Force of habit. [chuckles]

Well, that little showdown will be fueling
my fantasies for the next few millennia.

-[Diablo chuckles]
-What are you two doing here?

Trying to solve the case, of course.

We can do it on TV.

Why not in real life?

-Mm.
-How did you find out about this place?

I found this...

where Matt was killed.

Fell out of his pocket.

Just a little thing
I like to call "evidence."

You stole evidence from the crime scene?

To be fair, Detective,
that is absolutely on-brand.

Well, this is really bringing it back.

I'd almost forgotten how much fun
solving murders is. [chuckles]

Uh, excuse me. [clears throat]

Um...

What are you doing with this idiot?

[Dancer] Well, he was going to come
with or without me,

and at least if I'm here,
I can keep him safe.

I didn't realize you two were this close.

Oh, yeah.

And if something does happen to him,
our show dies for real,

and I cannot go through
another pilot season.

I've just realized why this place
feels so familiar.

This is where Matt was living
when I first met him.

Matt mentioned he had a place he liked to
hide from the world when he was writing,

where none of the execs could find him.

Oh, so he didn't hole up here
to go on a drug binge.

He came here to reconnect with a time
in his life where he felt control

over his fate.

Returning to the place where it all began.

Yearning to find buzz--

Okay, thank you.

Okay, you two, out, all right?

I have to bag the whole place
for evidence,

and you both are not cops.

-So play time's over. Out!
-D--Don't...

Don't take offense. She used to say
the exact same thing to me.

[chuckles]

And you, too.

Out.

Right, well, if that's what
you're telling me, Detective--

I am, yes. I'm feeling a little...

uh, overwhelmed by,

um, well, you right now.

Right.

[Ella] I don't get it.

Dude had a glamorous job, tons of money,

and he ate Panda Express,
like, six times a week.

People are who they are, I guess.

Yeah.

Do you believe in the idea
of predestination?

Where you're forced to walk a path
that's already laid out for you?

Are you kidding?

My childhood and family background,
surrounded by criminals and dirt bags,

I should've ended up in jail.

But instead, I chose to get right
with the Big Guy,

walk the straight and narrow,
and here I am,

living proof that people can change
old, bad patterns.

Hmm.

You got a text.

[Ella] Mm.

Oh! Whoa, that's a penis.

That's a tattooed penis.

Some patterns are harder to change
than others.

Wow... Uh, looks familiar.

Wait, you know Craig?

No, this.

[sniffs] No, I don't know Craig
and his tattooed penis.

Hey, pal.

-Come on, man, that's my cup.
-Is it?

Are you doing okay?

Just fine, up until this very moment.

I'm just listening to the detective.

What, you're listening to her
from out here?

Well, I'm certainly not listening to you,
so goodbye.

-I know you're trying to push me away.
-[sighs]

I brought curiosity in that,

and I realized you're just
in a projective state,

'cause you're feeling vulnerable
right now, and that's pretty scary.

Oh.

Detective Douche,

if you want to see something really scary,

wait until you see what your new all-soy
diet is doing to your bone density.

You got a lot of ugly pictures
in your head, man.

You need to work
on positive visualization.

I made a lot of progress with that.
It can help you.

Actually, maybe you can help me.

This cosmic impotence,

the knowledge that you're the plaything
of a cruel, uncaring God,

the suffocating feeling that everything
you've ever accomplished is meaningless...

You're the perfect person
to ask about these things.

Tell me, when you were born...

[Chloe] Hi.

So, we have a new suspect
in Matt Owen's murder.

[sniffs]

A hot cinnamon vape cartridge?

Really, Detective, no one is
more horrified by this than me,

but it doesn't make Diablo our killer.

No, but Diablo did say that
he hadn't been to that room before.

Ella found this buried in two days
of Matt's trash, so why lie?

That cheeky devil.

Huh.

I just don't get it, Detective.

Why would an actor kill a man
who gave him the role of a lifetime?

I don't know.

Maybe he didn't like
being someone else's puppet?

[Lucifer sighs]

Sir, please, your scene was
supposed to start 40 minutes ago.

Uh, stand aside, please.

Thank you.

Oh, man.

How could nobody notice him missing
since lunch?

I mean, this man is the entire show.

None of these people would even exist
without him here.

Yeah. Okay.

Yep, everyone around is just here
to service you...

I mean...

[chuckles] Diablo.

I mean Diablo.

Anyhow, so, yes, he was stabbed, too,
hopefully with the same instrument.

If we can find the murder weapon--

Found the murder weapon!

It's actually a prop from the show,

supposed to be the only blade
that can kill the Devil.

-[Lucifer chuckles]
-How ironic is that, right?

-[laughs]
-Hi-ya!

Sorry, that seemed
a lot funnier in my head.

-I'm sure.
-Um... [chuckles]

That's rubber.
It can't be the murder weapon.

Uh, well, this is the stunt murder weapon.

See, this is the rubber version
they use for action sequences.

The one they use for close-ups
is sharp and metal, so...

we find that one, we find our murderer.

Huh.

Blaze,

tell the girls to swap their G-strings
for evening gowns tomorrow night.

Wow.

It's like looking into a mirror.

Of course, my liege.

Simpler times.

Me and Lucifer, together,

side by side for eons.

...waste my demonic diesel
behind this bar.

Now everyone just comes and goes.

Okay.

Maze, you know I'm not going anywhere...

right?

Maybe not on purpose, but...

you're gonna drop dead in, what,
five years?

How old do you think I am?

I don't know, 30?

[sighs deeply]

Maze, you have nothing to worry about.

I'm going to be around for a while.

And then I'll be down in Hell,

and I guess we can spend
the rest of eternity together, right?

[chuckles]

Sure, I guess.

[clears throat]

I think what you're struggling with
is a fear of abandonment.

It's completely normal.

It comes from...

someone important to you
letting you down in your youth.

I didn't have anyone important
in my youth, Linda.

Just my blades.

They have never let me down.

It can cause a lot of anxiety
in intimate relationships.

You know, but it's something
we can work on...

Oh, my.

...suffers most is the Devil himself.

I suppose that's me.

...back into Hell itself.
But until that day,

I intend to enjoy the Earth.

Come here, Doctor.
I'm ready for my treatment.

This is gonna be good.

Yeah, I'll have some of that.

Great, thank you.

[Lucifer]
This one would have been amazing.

Diablo was going to solve a crime
in space.

Oh. Mm-hmm.

And what was Dancer doing,
a zero-G striptease?

Have you read this already?

[sighs] Look, Detective...

I want you to know that I understand.

I know how powerless I felt
when Mom told me the truth about you.

That's right,
your mother told you the truth.

Unlike my partner, who kept
a huge secret about my life from me.

And now that you know,
it's hurt you, Detective,

and, look, I want to fix things,
but you won't let me,

-so what should I have done?
-Hey, guys?

A PA was supposed to be sitting
at the door to Diablo's trailer,

but she got called away
right around the time he was murdered.

Great, so whoever called her away
could be the murderer. Who was it?

Second AD called her away.

Well, the second it is.

But he got the message
from the first AD...

The first.

...who was passing on the message

that the AD needed to be on set
in the first place.

For Dad's sake, who put in the request?

More importantly, who was smart enough
to launder it through multiple people?

Keri Belwood.

The second on the show.

Great.

[woman] Re-casting is not
such a crazy idea.

He's the Devil, right?
He could change how he looks.

We've got a good relationship
with Ice Cube,

so maybe we could talk to his agent--

Please tell me you're here
to put me out of my misery.

Could be, yes.

Why did you take the PA
off Diablo's trailer?

I didn't.

I've been on notes calls all day.
You can ask my assistant.

The same assistant that provided
your alibi for Matt's brutal stabbing?

Everyone knows you need
to pay your dues in Hollywood,

but what kind of promotion do you get
for helping your boss beat murder charges?

You knew exactly how to manipulate
the AD chain to get Diablo alone.

You guys have got to be kidding me.

-[scoffs]
-Why would I kill the star

of what's suddenly my show?

Look what I'm putting up with now.

Hello, what's this?

Research files for cases on the show.

Excuse me, that's private.

[Lucifer] Uh...

Oh!

[laughs]

Well, it appears that someone's
been taking their research

a little too seriously.

That is not mine.

-I didn't put that there.
-Really?

Keri Belwood, you're under arrest.

What, are you serious?

This is ridiculous!

[sighs]

I'm trying to say this
from a constructive place.

I can feel your negative vibrations
from across the room, man.

Well...

then you should probably move
even further away.

I've just given the detective space
for the moment.

You can give me space forever.

It's just your pain talking.

Do you know, of all the ways
you humans try to control your lives,

these silly New Age superstitions
are by far the most embarrassing.

I should be having a field day watching
you make a fool of yourself like this,

but honestly, Daniel, it just...

it just makes me sad.

Okay.

Is it all bullshit?

I don't know.

Maybe.

Probably.

I don't care.

'Cause losing Charlotte made me realize...

we have so little control over our lives.

I was so pissed off about it for so long.

But this...

It keeps my mind positive,

and it helps me.

I need every win I can get, man.
We all do.

Even you.

Daniel...

I am lowering my walls
and I'm willing to be reharmonized.

I'll take the bracelet.

Wait.

[clears throat] Really?

Oh, yes. Really.

You sure?

'Cause you need to want it.

-Just give me the damn thing.
-You need to really want it.

[laughs]

What is this?

Oh...

Those are the personal notes
from the actor who played Diablo.

[Dan] Hmm.

He had a fascinating insight
into the character.

Some wild theories about self-loathing,
but we can't get it all right.

Oh, that is awful.

"Diablo in Space"?

Oh, truly a great episode.

Yeah.

It's such a pity
we'll never get to see it.

[Dancer] Coming.

Hi.

I just thought you'd want to know
that we arrested Keri for the murders.

I wanted to tell you in person.

[sighs]

Thank you, Detective.

I wish I could say I was surprised, but...

Keri never stopped bitching about Matt.

"He cut all my jokes.

He was a hack.

He only let us order Tender Greens
for lunch."

[chuckles] That's actually pretty dead-on.

[Dancer chuckles]

Yeah, I just wish I had more motive
why she would want to kill your co-star.

Well, maybe he actually figured it out
that she did it.

I mean...

He wasn't the brightest bulb, but...

he was surprisingly insightful.

You two were close. I'm sorry.

The thing is, when you're stuck
with someone in a situation

you have absolutely no control over...

I know it sounds silly to a real cop...

but we were partners.

No, it... It doesn't sound silly.

You know, I know
exactly what you're talking about.

"I can't believe
you pulled it off, Diablo.

We made it back to Earth piloting
a hijacked space shuttle. Insane!"

"You can say that again, Dancer.

A devil in the heavens.

But crime, it must be punished."

Daniel, the original actor playing Diablo
is dead, not you.

Please, can we just give it a bit of life?

Just set me up for the next line, okay?

Big smile, just have fun with it.

-[Dan clears throat]
-"Another case closed, Diablo.

So does that mean I can...

put my bra back on?"

Oof. Well, it's not Shakespeare, is it?

Oh, what's going on here?

You guys are acting out Diablo episodes

-without me?
-Well, we're trying.

"Don't tell him the Devil made you do it."

-Huh?
-We won't.

Damn.

Lucifer, you did so much prep
on your character.

I suppose I'm not surprised, though.

No, these are Diablo's notes. Here.

Previously they'd all been
about the character,

but these new ones are just gibberish.
[chuckles]

"Yearning equals freedom."
"Weapon equals Baphomet's blade."

[Ella] Yearning?

I knew the man was a genius.

These are Diablo's notes on the case!

He was investigating Matt Owen's murder
as well, and look.

"Killer equals number two."

Keri was the show's number two.

I can't believe it,
but he actually solved it!

Oh, Diablo,
is there anything you can't do?

But didn't Keri kill Matt to take his job?

I don't think
freedom was the yearning, man.

Yeah, I don't think
Keri killed him at all.

Based on the stab wounds,

I was able to confirm that the victims
were killed by someone right-handed,

and Keri has repetitive stress injuries
in her wrists.

I mean, it'd be highly unlikely

that she could stab someone
with the force that made those wounds,

especially with her non-dominant hand.

Well, it says it right here
in black and white.

Diablo was certain
the killer was number two.

Unless he meant someone else.

So, this is Diablo's club.

Hades,

where Christie Dancer was a stripper

before she joined the police force
to solve her father's murder.

Don't worry, one of these bottles,
there is actual booze in it.

A little secret from the scenes where
Detective Dancer has to get a confession

with a lap dance.

[chuckles ironically]

-Oh, thank you.
-Mm-hmm.

Cheers.

[Dancer grunts]

-[coughs]
-So how do you do it?

No, no, no. I mean,
the way they write your character.

I mean, she only exists to serve Diablo.

So what's the secret to getting up every
day knowing everything you do and say is

only servicing another person?

Do you think there's a secret?

It's literally hell on Earth.

Saying those lines,
wearing those clothes...

Thank God it's over.

Now I can really push myself.

Okay, there's this film.

It's a tiny indie,
but the part is so great.

It's this woman coming back
from Afghanistan,

dealing with her mother's Alzheimer's.

Now that I'm free, I can take the part,

and the director's so collaborative.

I'm sorry.

I'm rambling.

No.

No, it's just, um...

You said this was an amazing gig

and that you were grateful to have it.

That's true.

I was, but you gotta move on. [sputtering]

When a gig ends, sometimes it's easier
to focus on the bad.

It's actor stuff. We're crazy.

Yeah, yeah. I totally get it.

And now you can showcase your talent
on a show that lets you.

Well, for example,
the impression you did of Keri.

I mean, that was really... really good.
Dead-on.

-You think so?
-Yeah.

Yeah, in fact, it would be
nearly impossible

to tell you two apart over the phone.

[panting] Wait.

Okay.

I understand killing your showrunner
for holding you back,

and I get you hiding the vape cartridge
to frame your co-star, but why...

would you kill him when you wanted us
to think he was the murderer?

Because that idiot "deduced my yearning"

and figured out what I did!

He was honestly sweet, in a dopey way,

but I wasn't gonna let him take away
the freedom I almost got myself.

I am not spending the next six seasons
with my main prop as a stripper pole!

[Dancer grunts]

[groans]

So, Diablo was right.

The killer was number two,

on the actors' call sheet.

How long have you been here?

Long enough to realize you have this
totally handled on your own.

As much as I appreciate the effort,
I think I prefer my own club,

and I definitely prefer the way
my father made you, Detective.

Though I'm sure your tips
would have been great.

[chuckles]

That wasn't the right joke, was it?

I'm just not finding
the right thing to say.

I'm sorry, Detective.

I wish you'd just tell me what to do.

I...

[scoffs]

I don't know if there is anything
for you to do. I...

I thought that I had found someone
who had the answer,

someone who knew how it felt, someone...

who could help me cope with feeling...

so powerless.

But I was wrong.

[both laughing]

You have mentioned a few times now
that you are worried about going to Hell.

What's the problem?

I literally grew up there.

I, I turned out fine.

Yeah.

I mean, you're right.

You're right. I don't...

It's just some stupid thing humans say.

Mm.

But I want to know about you, though.

Your...

abandonment issues.

[scoffs] I wouldn't...

call them abandonment issues.

They're not issues.

I mean, who cares
if Lucifer left me, right?

[scoffs]

Chloe left me.

[sighs]

[sobs] Then she left me.

Why did she leave me?

Eve?

[sobbing]

Ugh! [grunts]

[elevator dings]

[whooshing sound]

Huh.

I was wondering when you'd show
our face again...

brother.

Welcome home.

So...

how do you like the mess I made, Samael?

[scoffs]

Trying to get under my skin, brother?

Well, I hoped turning your life
upside down would do that, but...

if all it takes is a name,
maybe I overestimated you.

Wondering why I'm doing all of this?

Not particularly.

Oh, right, you're so above it. I forgot.

If we could all be as cool as you.

Well, isn't that what this is about,
Michael? Hmm?

It's funny how turning my life upside down
actually involved pretending to be me.

It worked, didn't it?

It's the only trick you ever pulled.

All our lives you wanted everyone to think

that you were the cleverer one,
the big brain, but...

it's only ever been about me,

about trying to be me.

[chuckles] You always thought too small.

Not like you, right?

Lucifer the rebel,

deciding you can do a better job than Dad?

You know,

I wonder how you got
that idea in your head

in the first place.

[laughs] Right, that's your play, is it?

Taking credit for my failed rebellion?

By all means, it's yours.

Now, you see, that is the best part.

All I did was plant the idea.

You're the one who chose to do it.

You still get to keep
all the blame yourself.

[chuckles]

[scoffs]

Your lies are so tedious, Michael.

Not as tedious as your denial.

'Cause I'm not lying now, brother,

and I think, deep down,
you are realizing that.

And once you realize that...

you're gonna wonder...

maybe it wasn't just the rebellion
that was my suggestion.

What else?

What about your little sexcapade
in the garden, or...

Oh...

your vacation here to Earth.

That's impossible.

Mm-mm.

It was quite easy, actually.

All it took was a little whisper here,

a carefully orchestrated
coincidence there,

and your pathological self-absorption,
of course.

Voilà!

All your idea.

Why?

Because all our lives,
you thought that you were better than me.

The great Lucifer Morningstar,
but you're not, are you?

You're just Samael.

Stop calling me that.

All right.

Why don't I call you
what you know you really are?

Unworthy.

[Lucifer roars]

[Lucifer screams]

[Lucifer yells]

[Michael muttering]

[screams in pain]

[Michael choking]

[Lucifer panting]

[both panting]

[Michael groaning]

You may want credit
for my decisions, but...

[panting]

...I'm confident this one is all mine.

-[Lucifer laughs]
-[Michael screams]

Lucifer.

You okay?

You look like hell.

Appropriate.

Um...

So, uh...

the good news is,

I dealt with the Michael problem.

He won't be impersonating me ever again.

The bad news is that I've discovered...

apparently, he's been manipulating me
since the dawn of time.

Oh.

Yeah, must be, um...

terrible to...

not control your own fate.

All right. I get it, Detective.

You're struggling with
feeling like you can't cope.

Well, welcome to the bloody club!

You have no right to yell at me.

Our situations are nothing alike.

You are an angel.

You deal with celestial craziness
all the time.

I am just a person, Lucifer.

Just a person

who was already dealing with the fact
that I'm in love with the Devil,

and then...

I find out that I was made...

to feel that way.

That my life isn't my own,

so I am sorry if your brother is
a jerk to you sometimes.

[sighs deeply]

I... I...

I spent thousands of years in Hell,
imagining our reunion.

Getting my partner back, getting...

Getting you back. And now...

I...

I just thought it would go differently.

Yeah. [sniffles]

Me, too.

I thought what we had was real.

[scoffs]

Decker! You home?

Come on, it's 9:30.

Even you can't be in bed.

[man] She's not here.

She left quite abruptly, actually.

She was quite upset.

Oh.

I suppose you're the person
I wanted to talk to, anyway.

I wanted to say that...

that I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have tried to stab you.

Turns out you weren't the one
I was upset with to begin with.

Really?

You're not upset with Lucifer?

Well...

you should be.

Well, this night turned out
better than expected.

Now I get to cut out your lying tongue.

You were right. You were right.

I'm a liar, and Lucifer always
tells the truth, doesn't he?

Oh, yeah, except for when
he leaves things out.

Like the secret that he kept from Chloe,

and the one that he's keeping from you.

What secret?

Mm-mm.

Uh-uh.

I can't tell you that.

You won't believe me...

'cause I'm a liar, right?

But...

I can tell you how to find it out
for yourself.