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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,737 --> 00:00:05,237 - Michael, come on. 2 00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:06,705 I let you stay yesterday. Now get up. 3 00:00:06,707 --> 00:00:09,274 The bus is gonna be here any minute. 4 00:00:09,276 --> 00:00:12,578 You can't miss school again, michael. 5 00:00:12,580 --> 00:00:14,079 Michael, come-- get up. 6 00:00:14,081 --> 00:00:15,280 I am sick of this. Come on, get up. 7 00:00:15,282 --> 00:00:16,749 Wait a minute. Come back here. 8 00:00:16,751 --> 00:00:18,751 You back here right now. 9 00:00:18,753 --> 00:00:21,587 - Ow. All right. 10 00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:23,622 - You gotta help me, michael's not getting up. 11 00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:25,057 - All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. 12 00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:26,592 Michael? 13 00:00:26,594 --> 00:00:29,661 michael, this is your father speaking. 14 00:00:29,663 --> 00:00:31,697 Get up. 15 00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,265 Well, what are you gonna do? 16 00:00:33,267 --> 00:00:36,201 Easy, easy. All right, all right. 17 00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:38,370 Michael--all right. Come on, michael. 18 00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:40,272 Get up, will ya? 19 00:00:40,274 --> 00:00:41,507 Come on. 20 00:00:41,509 --> 00:00:42,741 - I'm sick. 21 00:00:42,743 --> 00:00:44,777 - What-- 22 00:00:47,747 --> 00:00:49,248 - He's not sick. - Let's go. 23 00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:50,282 Come on, you're not sick. 24 00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:51,483 Don't try to fool around. 25 00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:52,751 What's the matter with you? 26 00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:54,720 - It's my stomach. - Your stomach? 27 00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:56,355 Well, where does it hurt? Point. 28 00:00:56,357 --> 00:00:58,057 Show me where. 29 00:00:58,059 --> 00:00:59,558 - It's my head. - All right. 30 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,693 - Let's go. Come on, it's time for school. 31 00:01:01,695 --> 00:01:03,629 - I'm sick! - Yesterday he said he was sick, 32 00:01:03,631 --> 00:01:05,130 And last night, he's running around 33 00:01:05,132 --> 00:01:06,465 With a cape on going, "whoo-whoo!" 34 00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:07,833 - Yeah, okay, yesterday you said you were sick, 35 00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:09,334 And last night, you run around with a cape on 36 00:01:09,336 --> 00:01:11,670 Going, "whoo-whoo." 37 00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:13,305 - He's not gonna get away with it again. 38 00:01:13,307 --> 00:01:14,673 - You're not getting away with that again. 39 00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:16,141 - Just--don't just repeat what I say! 40 00:01:16,143 --> 00:01:17,676 - All right, all right, all right. 41 00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:20,279 No, don't go back-- mich--did you do your homework? 42 00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:21,513 Did he do his homework? 43 00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:22,614 - He said he didn't have any. 44 00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:24,550 - And you fell for that? 45 00:01:24,552 --> 00:01:27,219 Oh, boy, I am gonna lie to you more. 46 00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:30,389 Mike--michael, did you have homework due? 47 00:01:30,391 --> 00:01:31,657 - Leave me alone! 48 00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:33,225 - You see? All right, that's it. 49 00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:35,561 I know this game. I invented it. 50 00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:37,096 - The bus is coming! 51 00:01:37,098 --> 00:01:38,864 - All right, michael, the bus is coming. 52 00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:41,100 I'm not fooling around. Now, you got to get up, come on. 53 00:01:41,102 --> 00:01:42,634 - No! - Michael, listen. 54 00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,536 If--if you miss that bus, 55 00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:45,838 I'm gonna have to drive you to school, 56 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:47,806 And I'm gonna be late. 57 00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,708 - I don't care! 58 00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:51,777 - You don't care, huh? You don't care? You don't care? 59 00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:53,178 How about I pick you up and I carry you 60 00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:54,446 To the bus in your pajamas, huh? 61 00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:56,281 Maybe you care about that! - Go away! 62 00:01:56,283 --> 00:01:57,583 - Okay. All right, that's it. 63 00:01:57,585 --> 00:01:58,851 - Oh, ray, no, that's not a good idea. 64 00:01:58,853 --> 00:02:00,352 - Look, you got me into this, 65 00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:01,520 And now we're gonna do it my way. 66 00:02:01,522 --> 00:02:03,322 - The bus is here! 67 00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:05,657 - You hold that bus! 68 00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:07,226 Look, all right, help me. Help me. 69 00:02:07,228 --> 00:02:08,660 - Ray! 70 00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:09,795 - Bite his hands. 71 00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:11,430 - Just--just let him go. 72 00:02:11,432 --> 00:02:13,232 - You asked for my help. 73 00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:17,302 Well, this is how I do it. 74 00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:20,305 - The bus is gone! 75 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,446 - If he was wearing feet pajamas, 76 00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:30,449 He'd still be in here. 77 00:02:35,688 --> 00:02:37,456 - Hey. - Hello. 78 00:02:37,458 --> 00:02:38,891 - Hey, what are you doing here? 79 00:02:38,893 --> 00:02:40,926 - Well, amy's working late tonight. 80 00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:42,828 - So? 81 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:46,265 - So I thought I'd come by and say "hey" to my little bro. 82 00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:47,466 What? A guy can't stop by 83 00:02:47,468 --> 00:02:49,701 And say "hey" to his little bro? 84 00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:53,572 - There's leftover macaroni and cheese in the fridge. 85 00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:56,575 - I'll be in there. 86 00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,912 - Hey, how's michael? 87 00:02:59,914 --> 00:03:01,380 - Perfectly fine. 88 00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:02,814 He's reading comics. 89 00:03:02,816 --> 00:03:04,383 - Well, is he going to school tomorrow? 90 00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:05,717 - I don't know. 91 00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:07,319 - He stayed home from school again today? 92 00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:09,354 - Yep. Debra couldn't get him to go. 93 00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:11,957 - Neither could you! 94 00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:13,959 - Well, I'll tell you what the problem is, debra. 95 00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:16,662 - I was hoping you would, marie. 96 00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:18,330 - I mean, you let the kids play 97 00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:21,333 All those computer videotronic games. 98 00:03:21,335 --> 00:03:24,703 And after that, school is just boring to them. 99 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,573 It's just an old lady talking. 100 00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:31,577 - Where do you get those videotronic games? 101 00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:34,980 - Why do I say anything? 102 00:03:34,982 --> 00:03:36,982 - Exactly. 103 00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:40,485 - Something wrong with michael? 104 00:03:40,487 --> 00:03:41,753 no. 105 00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:43,789 - He missed school two days in a row. 106 00:03:43,791 --> 00:03:45,457 - Two days? Is he sick? 107 00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:46,458 - No. 108 00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:49,962 - That's truancy. 109 00:03:49,964 --> 00:03:51,496 Not that I'd report it, 110 00:03:51,498 --> 00:03:52,598 But please, don't make me choose 111 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,299 Between "robert the uncle" 112 00:03:54,301 --> 00:03:57,936 And "robert the sworn defender of the law." 113 00:03:57,938 --> 00:04:01,273 - How about you just stay "robert the stink-footed oaf"? 114 00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:06,545 oh, that's funny. 115 00:04:09,682 --> 00:04:11,283 - I don't know. 116 00:04:11,285 --> 00:04:12,918 I just--I don't know what to do anymore. 117 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,987 - Hey, deb, I could show you a couple of techniques I used 118 00:04:14,989 --> 00:04:16,855 To get these two mutts out of bed. 119 00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:20,993 - We're not gonna put ice cubes down his pants, dad. 120 00:04:20,995 --> 00:04:22,661 - I'm not saying you start with that. 121 00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:24,329 I'm saying you start with what I used to call 122 00:04:24,331 --> 00:04:27,532 "the dirty sock alarm clock." 123 00:04:29,369 --> 00:04:32,404 - Oh, frank, that was disgusting. 124 00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:34,539 - You reach way down to the bottom of the hamper. 125 00:04:34,541 --> 00:04:37,509 - We're not doing that, frank. 126 00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:42,047 - It's called "tough, smelly love." 127 00:04:42,049 --> 00:04:45,617 - Sometimes he'd use my own sock against me. 128 00:04:52,058 --> 00:04:54,860 - How come michael doesn't want to go to school? 129 00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:56,962 - Nobody wants to go to school. 130 00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:59,364 He didn't do his homework. - Listen to me. 131 00:04:59,366 --> 00:05:01,400 You want to know how to motivate a kid? 132 00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:03,635 You get him something he really loves, 133 00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:06,538 Then take it away. 134 00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:08,607 - All right, frank. - He likes trains, right? 135 00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:11,443 So you get him a nice, new steam locomotive-- 136 00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:14,413 Something that makes his face really light up. 137 00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:17,849 Then you get a hammer. 138 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,559 - We're not gonna smash his trains. 139 00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:29,561 - Does he have a turtle? 140 00:05:31,731 --> 00:05:33,965 - Well, you have to do something, debra. 141 00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:35,434 - Why is this all on me? 142 00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:36,635 What about him? He lives here. 143 00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:38,036 - Hey, I tried. 144 00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:39,604 I had him halfway out the door this morning, 145 00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:41,940 But she wouldn't bite his hands. 146 00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:44,076 - Yeah, then you run off to work, and I'm stuck. 147 00:05:44,078 --> 00:05:45,877 You know, I had a lot of things to do today, 148 00:05:45,879 --> 00:05:48,080 And I couldn't because I had to stay here with michael. 149 00:05:48,082 --> 00:05:51,883 - There's always time to get your hair done, dear. 150 00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:54,786 - I wasn't going to do my hair. 151 00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:58,657 - Oh. 152 00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:01,560 We should talk about that too. 153 00:06:01,562 --> 00:06:02,894 - You want me to go up there 154 00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:04,930 And explain the truancy laws in this county? 155 00:06:04,932 --> 00:06:07,933 Maybe drive him by the dock, show him a couple bums? 156 00:06:10,503 --> 00:06:12,104 - I'll go with ya. Where's the hamper? 157 00:06:12,106 --> 00:06:13,805 - No, no, all right, stop, here. 158 00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:16,708 Look, we appreciate your medieval advice. 159 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:18,477 But we'll do what needs to be done, okay? 160 00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:19,978 Michael is going to school tomorrow. 161 00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:21,446 - Yeah, but if there's a problem-- 162 00:06:21,448 --> 00:06:22,848 - There's not gonna be a problem. 163 00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:24,449 - But if there is-- - there's not gonna be. 164 00:06:24,451 --> 00:06:26,852 - But if there is-- 165 00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:29,654 - Not gonna. 166 00:06:29,656 --> 00:06:31,156 - I won't be here, 'cause I'm driving ally's class 167 00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:32,557 To their field trip tomorrow. 168 00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:33,825 - Wait, wait, wait, wait! 169 00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:35,160 Who's gonna get him out of bed? 170 00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:36,661 - I was thinking you. 171 00:06:36,663 --> 00:06:38,697 - Well, what-- what about my job? 172 00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:39,998 - This is part of your job. 173 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,001 - I mean my real job. 174 00:06:47,907 --> 00:06:49,908 Let's not fight. 175 00:06:51,978 --> 00:06:53,779 Oh, come on, michael, go to school! 176 00:06:53,781 --> 00:06:56,148 You're killin' me, man! 177 00:06:56,150 --> 00:06:58,150 - How's it going? - Look, he's bustin' my hump. 178 00:06:58,152 --> 00:07:00,118 You got to do this, okay? I'm gonna be late. 179 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,454 - No, honey, I got ten kids waiting for me, and I'm late. 180 00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:03,588 - But wait a minute. I'm swamped here. 181 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:04,956 I got to finish two columns, 182 00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:06,458 And I got to interview george steinbrenner! 183 00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:08,059 - Sorry, ray, I got to go. - No, no, you-- 184 00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:10,595 You come back here, young lady! 185 00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:13,064 Old lady! 186 00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:18,036 Who reminds me of my mom! 187 00:07:31,484 --> 00:07:33,718 All right. 188 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:36,054 I didn't want to do this. 189 00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:39,491 But you leave me no choice. 190 00:07:41,227 --> 00:07:42,761 Oh, great. 191 00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:45,764 The one day she does laundry. 192 00:07:55,041 --> 00:07:57,642 - Yes, hi. Uh, this is ray barone. 193 00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:59,044 Um, I was supposed to come down 194 00:07:59,046 --> 00:08:01,513 And interview mr. Steinbrenner this morning, 195 00:08:01,515 --> 00:08:04,049 But unfortunately, something's come up. 196 00:08:04,051 --> 00:08:07,519 Well, uh, kind of a-- 197 00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:09,788 Family tragedy. 198 00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:11,523 Yeah. 199 00:08:11,525 --> 00:08:12,924 No, no, no, I was just wondering, 200 00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:14,926 Um, could we do this on the phone? 201 00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:17,963 Yes, yeah, I'll hold. Thank you. 202 00:08:17,965 --> 00:08:20,565 Well, look who's up. 203 00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:21,867 - I'm hungry. 204 00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:23,134 - Yeah, well, breakfast time ended 205 00:08:23,136 --> 00:08:25,036 When the school bus left, okay? 206 00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:26,838 So congratulations, you get to stay home again today. 207 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,006 Let me tell you something, mister. 208 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,841 A couple of hours with daddy, 209 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,277 And you're gonna be begging to go back to school. 210 00:08:32,279 --> 00:08:33,745 Hello. Oh, hi. 211 00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:35,146 Oh, yeah, hi, mr. Steinbrenner. 212 00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:37,249 Uh-- 213 00:08:37,251 --> 00:08:39,818 Yeah, a tragedy, right. 214 00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:43,288 My--mother. 215 00:08:43,290 --> 00:08:44,823 Yeah, but, uh, she'll pull through. 216 00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:46,525 She's a tough old broad. 217 00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:48,560 Anyway, um, listen, I know you're a busy man, 218 00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:50,595 And I just wanted to start by-- 219 00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:55,600 Excuse me. Excuse me one second, sir. 220 00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:57,035 No tv! No tv! 221 00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,204 No! No, no! No, no, no, no, no! 222 00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:00,906 No tv! 223 00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:02,841 Yeah, hello? I'm sorry. 224 00:09:02,843 --> 00:09:04,142 Sorry about that. No, no, no. 225 00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:06,011 No, I can do this. Sure, yeah. 226 00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:08,213 Um, okay, well, mainly, I wanted to start 227 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:11,550 By getting your feelings on revenue sharing. 228 00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:15,120 Uh-huh. Uh-huh. 229 00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:17,789 no, no. 230 00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,324 Okay, yeah, well, that's a good point. 231 00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:22,160 Yeah. Yeah-- 232 00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:23,728 Right. 233 00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,664 Right, and what about the smaller markets? 234 00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:27,732 Hey! 235 00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:28,900 You're not eating doughnuts, okay? 236 00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:31,169 No doughnuts for you! 237 00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:33,738 I--yeah, sorry. 238 00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:36,007 It's the kids, yeah. 239 00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:37,576 Kids, I know. 240 00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:39,844 Yeah, too bad you can't fire them. 241 00:09:39,846 --> 00:09:41,646 Although you probably have, right? 242 00:09:41,648 --> 00:09:43,214 Yeah-- get down from there! 243 00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:44,649 Stop it! 244 00:09:44,651 --> 00:09:46,017 Hey--sit down! 245 00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:48,186 I will tell you what you're going to eat! 246 00:09:48,188 --> 00:09:50,021 Hello. 247 00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:53,291 Oh. We're done? 248 00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:54,859 Well-- 249 00:09:54,861 --> 00:09:57,195 Yeah. Okay. 250 00:09:57,197 --> 00:10:00,065 All right. Thank you, sir. 251 00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:01,800 Michael! 252 00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:03,368 Put it down. Put it down. 253 00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:04,803 Do you know what you just did? 254 00:10:04,805 --> 00:10:06,004 Do you know who that was on the phone? 255 00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:08,373 - No. - It doesn't matter. 256 00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:12,310 George steinbrenner! 257 00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:14,212 So none of this, okay? 258 00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:17,082 None of this captain sugar's chocolate-covered sugar for you. 259 00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:18,316 You're hungry? 260 00:10:18,318 --> 00:10:20,018 All right, if you're hungry, here. 261 00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:21,620 Here's what you're gonna eat. 262 00:10:21,622 --> 00:10:23,888 Fiber 100, all right? 263 00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:25,190 Yeah, that's right. 264 00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:26,358 No fun stuff, okay? 265 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:28,126 No cartoons on the box for you. 266 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:32,230 You're--you're getting two grandmas on a bike-- 267 00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:34,699 The kind of crap I have to eat every day. 268 00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:37,235 Yeah, yeah, no maze to chocolate land. 269 00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:40,739 Here, here, you can read about colon health. 270 00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:43,108 So dig in! 271 00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:45,010 Here you go. 272 00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:47,879 Here's some delicious skim milk for you. 273 00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:50,882 Welcome to my world. 274 00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:53,952 All right, listen, 275 00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:55,186 Here's how it's gonna go today. 276 00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:56,755 No cartoons, no video games, 277 00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:59,057 No computer games, no fun, okay? 278 00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:02,427 First, you're gonna eat this wood. 279 00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:04,195 And then you're gonna get your homework, 280 00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:06,398 And you're gonna come downstairs to my office. 281 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:09,901 It's study hall. That's right. 282 00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:11,936 You're gonna work right in front of me 283 00:11:11,938 --> 00:11:14,372 Where I can keep an eye on you; you got that? 284 00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:16,941 - I don't have any homework. 285 00:11:16,943 --> 00:11:18,743 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 286 00:11:18,745 --> 00:11:22,180 Who do you think you're dealing with here, huh? 287 00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:23,782 I may seem stupid, 288 00:11:23,784 --> 00:11:25,016 But that's just to get your mother 289 00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:29,020 To not ask me to do stuff, okay? 290 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,224 I know all the angles, pal. 291 00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:35,093 I know all the excuses. 292 00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:37,896 If my dog shamski had eaten as much homework as I said, 293 00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:42,133 He would have pooped the encyclopedia britannica. 294 00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:43,468 All right? 295 00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:45,036 So you just eat this, 296 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,404 And then you're getting your homework, 297 00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:48,306 And you're coming downstairs. 298 00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:50,442 - I don't have any. 299 00:11:50,444 --> 00:11:53,745 - You're sticking with that story, huh? 300 00:11:53,747 --> 00:11:55,080 All right. Well, you know what? 301 00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:56,314 Then you're just gonna come downstairs, 302 00:11:56,316 --> 00:11:58,116 And you're gonna watch me work. 303 00:11:58,118 --> 00:12:00,085 You think school is boring and meaningless. 304 00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:03,788 Wait'll you see what I do for a living. 305 00:12:03,790 --> 00:12:07,258 Oh, captain sugar. He's coming with me. 306 00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:10,261 Hey, look, a prize! 307 00:12:14,266 --> 00:12:15,867 - This is boring. 308 00:12:15,869 --> 00:12:18,803 - That's right. 309 00:12:18,805 --> 00:12:22,273 Bet you wish you were back at school right now, huh? 310 00:12:22,275 --> 00:12:25,009 No? Not yet? All right, well-- 311 00:12:25,011 --> 00:12:28,079 Don't worry; we'll be done here in about... 312 00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:31,816 Oh, five hours. 313 00:12:41,827 --> 00:12:43,261 Hey, wha--what are you doing? 314 00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:44,362 - Reading. 315 00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:46,998 - No, no, no. Comics is not-- 316 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:50,502 What is she wearing? 317 00:12:50,504 --> 00:12:52,070 They should have ratings on this, 318 00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:55,073 'cause this is totally inappropriate. 319 00:13:04,316 --> 00:13:06,484 All right, pay attention. I'm gonna-- 320 00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:08,787 I'm gonna read you something that I'm working on. 321 00:13:08,789 --> 00:13:11,089 It's, uh, a baseball column. 322 00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:14,125 "everybody always says the designated hitter 323 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,194 "has taken the strategy out of the game. 324 00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:18,963 "you know, is the manager gonna pinch-hit for the pitcher, 325 00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:20,365 "or is he gonna leave him in? 326 00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:22,300 "I say, what's so exciting 327 00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:27,105 About watching some fat manager think?" 328 00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:30,141 How's that sound? - Good. 329 00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:32,443 - Yeah? What's good about it? 330 00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:35,980 - The fat manager. 331 00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:39,083 - It's kinda funny, isn't it? 332 00:13:42,054 --> 00:13:45,056 all right. 333 00:13:49,361 --> 00:13:52,096 - The kids teased me. 334 00:13:52,098 --> 00:13:53,464 - What? 335 00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:56,334 - In my class, all the kids laughed at me. 336 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,503 - The kids laughed at you? Why? 337 00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:01,239 - I went up to the teacher to ask her a question, 338 00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:04,242 And I accidentally said, "mommy." 339 00:14:06,111 --> 00:14:09,180 - You called the teacher "mommy"? 340 00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:12,183 Why? Was the teacher yelling? 341 00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:23,595 - Then I cried, and everybody called me crybaby. 342 00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:42,046 I made you eat the fiber. 343 00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,428 Hey-- 344 00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:59,197 Speaking of baseball, 345 00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:02,967 I ever tell you about the story about me in little league? 346 00:15:02,969 --> 00:15:04,502 It's kinda funny. 347 00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:06,938 It's, uh-- 348 00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:08,439 I was a little older than you, 349 00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:11,009 And right before the game, 350 00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:14,212 I had just drank a lot of kool-aid. 351 00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:15,947 So I had to go to the bathroom, 352 00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:18,516 But I decided to hold it, 'cause when I was a kid, 353 00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:20,919 I didn't like going to the bathroom. 354 00:15:20,921 --> 00:15:22,253 Now I like going to the bathroom. 355 00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:25,023 I like it a lot. 356 00:15:25,025 --> 00:15:28,293 So, it's the third inning, 357 00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:29,928 And I'm playing second base, 358 00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:31,663 And I got to go real bad. 359 00:15:31,665 --> 00:15:34,232 And I'm--I'm scrunching my legs together, 360 00:15:34,234 --> 00:15:37,035 And I'm banging my mitt against my thigh, 361 00:15:37,037 --> 00:15:39,570 And I'm trying to keep up the chatter real loud. 362 00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:41,439 You know, I thought if I screamed loud enough, 363 00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,640 It would distract me. 364 00:15:42,642 --> 00:15:44,309 You know, "hey, batter, batter, 365 00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:47,278 Hey, batter, batter, hey, batter, batter, swing!" 366 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:51,416 But, I couldn't hold it. 367 00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:54,252 I started to go. 368 00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:56,521 - You were on the field? 369 00:15:56,523 --> 00:16:00,491 - Right between first and second. 370 00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:05,229 It--it--it felt so bad... 371 00:16:05,231 --> 00:16:08,232 And yet so good. 372 00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:14,138 I still tried to keep up the chatter, 373 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,374 But it was more like, 374 00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:19,577 "hey, batter, batter, hey. 375 00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:22,447 "hey, batter. 376 00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:25,450 Swing." 377 00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:30,088 So this-- 378 00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:33,324 This dark spot is getting bigger and bigger. 379 00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,026 But nobody seemed to notice, 380 00:16:35,028 --> 00:16:36,661 So I just thought soon as the inning's over, 381 00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:38,329 I'm just gonna run off the field. 382 00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:41,199 I'm gonna jump on my bike, and ride home. 383 00:16:41,201 --> 00:16:42,500 Just then, I look up, and there's 384 00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,235 Dave malloy on our bench. 385 00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:48,606 he-e-e-e-e-e-ey! 386 00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:54,278 Look at b-a-a-a-r-o-n-e!" 387 00:17:02,121 --> 00:17:06,724 I look up, and all the kids are laughing at me-- 388 00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:08,693 My own teammates. 389 00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:11,295 They were pounding the fence, they were laughing so hard. 390 00:17:11,297 --> 00:17:13,031 And-- 391 00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:18,636 There I was at second base... 392 00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:22,340 Right in the middle of everything. 393 00:17:22,342 --> 00:17:24,275 - What did you do? 394 00:17:24,277 --> 00:17:27,478 - I did exactly what you're supposed to do. 395 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,113 I cried. 396 00:17:29,115 --> 00:17:31,215 I bawled my eyes out. 397 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:33,084 I should've cried earlier. 398 00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:36,821 Maybe it would've diverted some of the pee into tears. 399 00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:38,356 - Really? 400 00:17:38,358 --> 00:17:42,326 - Nah, the body doesn't work that way. 401 00:17:42,328 --> 00:17:47,298 Anyway, you know how in baseball you want a cool nickname? 402 00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:50,535 You know, like "hammerin' hank" or "the big hurt"? 403 00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:52,437 You know what the kids called me? 404 00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:55,473 "pee-pee" raymond. 405 00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:57,275 That's pretty clever, huh? "pee-pee" raymond. 406 00:17:57,277 --> 00:18:00,511 "'pee-pee' raymond! 'pee-pee' raymond!" 407 00:18:00,513 --> 00:18:05,583 That was me-- "pee-pee" raymond. 408 00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,318 Yeah. 409 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:10,121 That was a bad day. 410 00:18:10,123 --> 00:18:12,757 It was like I had a rain delay in my pants. 411 00:18:20,165 --> 00:18:22,834 - So-- 412 00:18:22,836 --> 00:18:24,836 That's baseball. 413 00:18:29,174 --> 00:18:32,276 Oh, by the way, 414 00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:33,611 Couple days later, 415 00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,780 Kevin saganski is at the blackboard. 416 00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:38,549 He bends down to pick up some chalk, 417 00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:40,785 His pants split wide open. 418 00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:43,821 All of a sudden, I'm off the hook, you know? 419 00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:46,557 "pee-pee" raymond, it's old news now. 420 00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:47,825 The talk of the town? 421 00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:50,328 "butt-crack" saganski. 422 00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:54,866 - That's funny. 423 00:18:54,868 --> 00:18:56,567 - Yeah. 424 00:18:56,569 --> 00:18:58,569 Yeah, it's funny. 425 00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:02,807 - Daddy? 426 00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:05,143 - Yeah? 427 00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:09,447 - I have to go to the bathroom. 428 00:19:09,449 --> 00:19:12,450 - You know what? Me too. 429 00:19:14,453 --> 00:19:16,387 And let me tell you something else. 430 00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:18,156 You know what happened to "butt-crack" saganski? 431 00:19:18,158 --> 00:19:19,724 - What? 432 00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:23,694 - He's now the president of fruit of the loom underwear. 433 00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:30,468 - Oh, yeah! 434 00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:34,739 Dad's still got the moves, mikey! 435 00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:37,408 I'm going off the mat! 436 00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:38,543 Whoo! 437 00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:40,344 I am on fire! 438 00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:43,347 - Hi, mommy. 439 00:19:50,222 --> 00:19:51,822 - What are you doing? 440 00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:55,259 - What am I doing? I'm getting all funky, baby! 441 00:19:57,863 --> 00:19:59,864 Take over, yeah. 442 00:20:04,469 --> 00:20:07,405 That's hereditary, that funk. 443 00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:09,473 - So this is your solution? 444 00:20:09,475 --> 00:20:11,375 Let him stay home all day and have a dance party? 445 00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:13,978 He's never gonna go to school again. 446 00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:15,780 - Michael, you going to school tomorrow? 447 00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:17,782 - Yep. 448 00:20:21,286 --> 00:20:22,353 - Really? 449 00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:25,723 - You heard the boy. 450 00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:26,891 Oh, and, uh, 451 00:20:26,893 --> 00:20:28,593 When you pack his lunch tomorrow, 452 00:20:28,595 --> 00:20:31,696 He wants salami sandwich with chips--barbecued flavor-- 453 00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:33,831 And don't give him the celery with the peanut butter. 454 00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:35,866 He's just gonna trade it for a fruit roll-up. 455 00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:38,302 - How did you do this? 456 00:20:38,304 --> 00:20:40,571 - Well, let's just say our kids are lucky 457 00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:46,277 That their father has led a very embarrassing life. 458 00:20:46,279 --> 00:20:47,678 By the way, I know why he didn't go to school. 459 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:48,913 - Why? 460 00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,548 - Some of the kids were teasing him 461 00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:51,983 'cause he called one of the teachers "mommy." 462 00:20:51,985 --> 00:20:53,851 - He called one of the teachers "mommy"? 463 00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:55,353 - Yeah. 464 00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:58,356 - Why? Was the teacher yelling? 465 00:21:04,896 --> 00:21:08,733 - Ooh! Ooh! Whoo! Whoo! 466 00:21:18,877 --> 00:21:20,278 Daddy! 467 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:21,979 - Hey, hey, guys. How was school? 468 00:21:21,981 --> 00:21:24,315 - Great! - Yeah? What'd you do? 469 00:21:24,317 --> 00:21:27,585 - Hey, look! It's "pee-pee" raymond! 470 00:21:27,587 --> 00:21:29,820 "pee-pee" raymond! 471 00:21:29,822 --> 00:21:31,822 "pee-pee" raymond! 32906

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