Original subtitles

- So what's her name?

- Angela. - Oh, uh-huh.

And where did you meet her?

- Well, I went to get a trim over at the hair barn.

And they have this guy who's working there,

Armando, you know,

and I like the way he does my sideburns.

Anyway, he double booked.

I had a 3:15 and Angela had a 3:15.

Okay.

And then you know what happened?

- You got a bad haircut and now you're dating?

- Yes, we're dating, and Angela likes my hair.

- So how many dates have you been on?

- Well, tonight was the third one,

and I know it's kind of early, but I'm getting this feeling.

I don't know-- I think she might be...

- What do you mean? "The one"?

Are you saying that you think Angela might be the one?

- All right, whoa.

Let's not jump the gun, okay?

I mean, don't forget,

he married one that wasn't the one.

- So when are we gonna meet her?

- Well, listen, I would love that,

but I'm a little afraid about bringin' her over here

'cause, you know, mom and dad will pop by,

and I kinda don't want her to meet them until...Ever.

- No, no, no! You bring her over

to meet mom and dad right away!

You gotta get it over with quick.

It's like rippin' off a band-aid.

Yeah, you let her know what she's in for,

and if she doesn't run away screamin',

then you know you got a keeper.

Hah?

Am I right, squeezioli?

- Go away.

So anyway, what about Saturday night?

'Cause your parents are going to Atlantic city

with Lee and Stan.

- Really? You sure? - Yes, it would be perfect.

Saturday night, I'll make dinner.

- That's another band-aid.

- So, Angela, what kind of law do you practice?

- Well, actually, I deal mostly with international trade.

- Angela speaks four languages.

- Whoa! - Wow!

- Well, it's nothing, really.

I studied Spanish and French,

and I speak Italian because my parents are Italian.

- Oh. Hey, our parents are Italian.

You should meet them sometime.

- Debra, I have to tell you,

your lemon chicken is delicious.

- Oh, thanks.

I like you.

- I like you too. - Oh, you're so sweet.

- Should I get some dessert for us?

- Yeah, dessert time. - All right.

- Oh, great.

Hey, someone else likes your cookin'.

We got a fly in here.

- Oh, ugh, Angela, I'm sorry.

Hey, ray, could you clear off the rest of the plates, please?

- Oh, I'll do it. - No, no, I'm doing it.

I like to help out around the house

as much as I can.

It's just my nature.

- Yeah, I'd better help out too,

or I'll hear about that later.

That's her nature.

Oh. Oh--

hey, you got him!

- Yeah, I guess I did.

- Oh, wow, good hands. All right, um--

- oh, it's okay; I got it.

- Okay, I'll put this down.

- How great is she? She's pretty great, right?

- Yeah, not bad, big top.

- Robert, I am so happy for you.

She is terrific. - Oh, thank you.

- You see I made her laugh a couple times?

- Yeah, you're hilarious. Go.

- I got the plates.

- Okay, can you just grab those forks there, Robert?

- Sure.

- Come on, ray.

Be careful where you set that coffee down.

- I don't want to hear it anymore.

- What do you mean?

- Hello.

- Hello, dear.

- Hey, what are you two doin' back so soon?

- Your father made a scene,

and we were escorted out of the casino.

- Two buckets of nickels and not one pay-out.

- That's no reason to throw a roast beef sandwich

at the machine!

Hello. - Hi.

- Hi. I'm Marie.

Are you... A single friend of Robert's?

- Yes, yes.

Angela, these are ray and Debra's neighbors...

Mom and dad.

- How nice to meet you. - You too.

- Oh, I see you're having a little get-together.

If I had known, I would have never gone to Atlantic city.

Why didn't you tell me, Raymond?

- You know, mom, it was just kind of a last-minute thing.

- Who cares?

The point is, we're here now, and I see cake.

- Be quiet, frank.

Come over here and sit down, honey,

and tell me all about yourself.

Look at that cute little figure you have.

- Can you believe this?

Mom can sense when I'm having a good time,

and she's here to kill it.

- Listen, Robert, just relax; It'll be fine.

Look, if Angela really is the one,

she's gonna have to meet your parents at some point.

You might as well get it over with.

Right, ray?

- She's not the one.

- What?

- C'mere. Listen. Listen.

I saw something that I have to tell you,

because you have to know, because I saw it.

- What are you talking about? - What did you see, ray?

- Angela ate the fly.

- What?

- What do you mean?

- The fly that was flying around--

Angela killed it,

it fell on the table,

she put it in a napkin,

and then she ate it!

- What the hell are you doing, ray?

- Yeah, man, what is your problem?

- I'm telling you, I saw that woman eat a fly!

- Oh, she did not.

You must have seen something else.

- Wh-what then? What did I see?

- I don't know; Maybe it was a crouton or something.

- A flying crouton?

- Are you drunk?

- Look, I'm trying to help him.

- How is this supposed to help me, Raymond?

- I'm doing what any brother would do.

If you see Debra eat a fly,

I want you to tell me right away!

- She did not eat a fly.

- Yes, she-- - no, she--

- yeeeeeees!

- Now, just a second, Raymond,

because what I think you're really saying is,

"uh-oh, Robert found someone special,

"someone who's so great

that she actually may be the one."

But because you're such a sniveling little insecure man,

you'll do anything

to keep me from having what you have.

- She ate a fly.

- Good-bye, Raymond.

- Robert!

What is wrong with you?

- Oh, Robbie. Sit down.

We're having such fun with your single friend here.

- I'd love to, ma,

but I must have left my pager somewhere,

and if the captain tries to get ahold of me,

I could be in trouble.

So, uh, I'm sorry, Angela, but we have to go.

- Oh, sure. Of course.

- We were just getting to know each other.

- Yeah, Robert, please stay.

- I'm sorry, Deb. Really, thanks very much.

Everything was great-- that you did.

- You guys, this was great. Thank you so much.

- Oh, sure. My pleasure.

- Thanks, ray.

- Yeah, it was nice.

Very nice to meet you.

Yeah.

It was really good.

- Thanks.

- Bye. - Bye.

Talk to you soon.

Well, they did say it was gonna rain.

I think we made it just in time.

Here, let me take your coat.

- Oh, thank you. - Sure.

Would you, uh, like a drink?

- No, thanks. I'm fine now.

It's a nice place you got here.

- Oh, thanks.

Well, come here. Sit down.

Was, um, something bothering you tonight, Robert?

- Nah, it's nothin', just my brother.

- Your brother? He seemed so sweet.

- I don't want to talk about it.

My brother has a lot of issues.

Let's just leave it at that.

- Did he...Do something?

- Nah, he's just crazy.

- You know what I think?

I think that your brother

may be a little jealous of you.

- What?

- Well, it's obvious.

I mean, you're the tall, funny, heroic,

good-looking one.

- Actually, he's always been a little jealous of me.

- Who wouldn't be?

- And it's always bothered him that our mother prefers me.

- Who wouldn't prefer you?

- I really like you.

- I really like you.

- You know, he once sold my bicycle

to another kid.

- Robert? - Yes?

- Could we kiss now?

You okay?

- Oh, I'm very okay.

- Want to be more okay?

- Okay.

- Want to go in there?

- Okay.

- I'll be in in a minute.

- And I'll be in there...

Being very okay.

- I'll be right in.

Robert?

- Oh! Hello!

- What are you doing?

- I'm...

Seeing if it's still raining.

- You're going out the window.

- Yes, yes, I am...

Because my car has my poncho in it.

So I'm gonna go get my trusty poncho...

And then I'm gonna go get some ice cream for us.

You like ice cream?

I do.

I like it with chocolate chips

or nuts

and sprinkles...

And actually,

someone told me you might prefer a different topping.

- You know, Robert,

we all come from frogs.

- Ahh.

Interesting.

Good night.

- Oh, Robbie!

- Hello.

- Look at you.

- What, is it raining?

- No, Raymond. I'm a Pearl diver.

- Robert, what happened?

- Well...

Raymond was right.

- Huh! Ha!

- What?

- Right about what? - The girl.

- If he said she had a nice upstairs

and an ample downstairs, then I agree.

- What about Angela, Robbie?

She seemed so genuine and so refined.

We have so much in common.

- Forget it, ma. It's not gonna happen.

- Ohh, no.

What did you do?

- What happened, Robert? She eat another one?

- What? Eat another what?

- You don't want to know, ma.

- You tell me right this minute, young man.

- All right, ma, fine.

She eats bugs.

- Come again?

- Come on, Robert, she does not.

- Oh, what is it about you

that you don't believe me when I tell you?

She sat right there at your dinner table

and ate a fly!

- I could believe that.

- No, mom, it wasn't in the food.

- Oh. I don't believe that.

- Well, you can believe it, ma.

It's the story of my life.

I finally meet a girl

who has absolutely everything I ever wanted.

She's the frog woman of massapequa.

- I thought you said it was flies.

- She keeps frogs,

thousands of frogs all over her apartment,

and she feeds them flies, I guess, I don't know.

She's a freakin' side show. What do you want from me?

- I don't believe a word of that, Robbie.

She had such nice shoes.

- I had to go out the window.

- Did she try to stop you with her tongue?

- It's not funny, Raymond.

- Heh heh heh heh!

Thhhp!

- Yeah, yeah, you know what?

Laugh all you want, 'cause I'm done.

- What do you mean, you're done?

- I'm done.

I'm done dating.

I'm done trying to meet someone.

I'm done with humiliation; I can't anymore.

- There's nothing humiliatin' about going out the window.

If your mother's apartment had been one floor lower,

we wouldn't be having this conversation.

- Just stop it, frank.

All right, Robert. Now, look,

I know that it's tough out there,

but you will find someone.

You have so much going for you.

You're kind, you're sensitive, you're honest--

- blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah blah.

- Good luck with the frog lady.

- Robbie, honey,

I know what you're going through,

and I can help you.

I just want you, once and for all, to say it to me.

- What are you talking about? Say what to you?

- That you're homosexual. - Ma!

- Just say it! - No, don't say it!

- I'm not saying it! This again?

- A woman ate a fly?

Nobody believes your stories, Robbie.

Just say it. - No!

- "I'm a gay." - What?

- You'll feel better.

"Hello, I'm queer, and now I'm here!"

- Who says that?

- That's the slogan.

Just admit it, already!

- No! Would you stop?

- Well, then, what is it?

Because I can't take it anymore.

You're torturing me. Do you know that?

You are into your 40s, and still you can't settle down.

I stay up nights tossing and turning in my bed

because I'm so sick about it.

I just want you to be with someone, anyone.

I don't care who it is.

I mean, for god's sakes, do you want to die alone?

- Yes!

Oh, him.

- Ma, I saw that girl eat a fly!

- Stop it, Raymond!

Why can't you just accept that your brother is different?

I accept you, Robbie.

- Listen, ma,

I would love nothing more than to tell you I'm gay.

- Marie, look what you're doing!

- But I'm not, dad, all right?

So you can unclench your intestines.

I wish I had a good reason why I'm always striking out.

But I don't.

It's me...

It's me.

Most people find their other half.

And I just have to wake up and accept already

that maybe there is no other half...

For this.

- Oh, Robbie!

- See ya later.

- Robert, please. - Come on, man.

- Hey, son--

- Hey, Rick. Scotch rocks.

- Comin' up.

Lot of fresh faces here tonight, big man.

I'll just take the drink.

- I'm sorry; You okay?