Original subtitles

- Ah.

- What? - Nothin'.

- No, what?

- Nothin'. I'm just waiting for the mirror.

- Got to pluck your eyebrows before you go to bed?

What's with that?

You're just gonna mush 'em up, anyway.

- Well, you comb your hair. How stupid is that?

- That's my routine.

Wash face, comb hair, brush teeth...

Scrape tongue.

You never know when that "blue moon"

is gonna pop up.

- Well, you're getting in the way of my routine.

- Well, it's my bathroom, too, you know.

- Yes, I know.

- I guess I should just move out

and leave the whole bathroom to you.

- Really?

- Huh?

- Could I have the bathroom?

- What do you mean?

- Oh, forget it.

- What, you want me to move out of our bathroom?

- No...No. I guess we can just...

Go on like this...

Forever.

- Wait, what's wrong with me being in this bathroom?

What?

Every time I spit on you, I wipe you off.

No, I know that, and I appreciate it.

It's just that there's always puddles of water

on the floor after you shower,

and you leave your wet towel on the tub.

You use my roll-on deodorant. You take--

- wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I don't use your roll-on deodorant, okay.

That goes against everything I stand for.

- Ray, I found a hair.

- All right, one time!

One! One! One lousy swipe.

That hair must have been very loose.

- Okay. It's okay.

I threw the whole thing out

before it ever touched me.

- Do I disgust you? I disgust you, don't I?

- No, no, no.

Not all the time.

It's just that...

You know, there's no room for my stuff.

Do you know how much I would love

to have a thing of q-tips right here?

Or have my curling iron always plugged in?

Or my make-up laid out where I could see everything

instead of stuffed in a box under the sink?

- Okay. - I just--

- okay, listen,

I'll use the bathroom down the hall.

- No, no, no. That's not why I said it.

I don't want you to do that.

- No, it's nothing. It's easy for me.

Toothbrush, razor, comb-- what do I need?

- You would really do that?

- Not just for anybody.

For the woman I'm having sex with tonight.

- Michael, come on! I'm late for work!

Aw, you did this yesterday!

You've been on the toilet for half an hour!

Come on, you're 7, not 67!

Were you playing with your action figures?

- It helps me.

- All right, come on. Go, go. Go to school.

Aw, no!

No, come on! This is not good!

Pick up your clothes!

At least hang the towel on the knob, huh?

Toilet paper doesn't belong on the floor!

It's like a bus station in here.

- Daddy, I have to go to the bathroom.

- Yeah, all right. Go ahead.

- Daddy!

- What?

All right.

I'm leaving.

Here. Knock yourself out.

What the hell?

- I lit the candles for you.

- Oh, I can't wait!

Oh, my.

It's beautiful!

- Oh, hi.

- Oh, hello, Raymond. - Hey.

- I just brought your mother up to show off.

- When did you do this?

Oh, and I took your suggestion, Marie.

I put the lights on a dimmer.

Huh?

- Oh, that's nice.

I always dim them,

and then I light a gardenia candle.

Then I'm ready to drop my robe

and slide into my bubble bath.

- I'm gonna sit.

- Oh, oh, and look at this.

- Oh, you got one of those! - Yes.

- Oh, you two are going to be so happy

that you've done all this.

You know, when Robbie moved out,

I took over the boys' bathroom,

and now frank and I get along so much better.

- Yeah, Debra and I have always dreamed of

having a marriage like yours.

- Oh, I better go; I'm expecting a delivery,

and your father doesn't have pants on.

You did a marvelous job, Debra.

I just may have to bathe here myself sometime.

- Lot of nice images today.

- So, what do you think?

- Oh, it's incredible. - Uh-huh.

What do you got coming out of the tap now,

holy water?

- So how's all this working out for you?

- Oh, terrific. Yeah.

It was kind of crowded in the kids' bathroom.

I thought I'd come back and visit the old neighborhood.

- So you want to use this?

Okay. Go ahead.

- Yeah, really? Okay.

- Sure. - All right, thanks.

Sorry.

How 'bout I just, uh...

You know what? I don't need a bathroom.

- Hey.

Well, well, look at this.

What do we have here, dad?

- Well, Robert, did you hear?

Debra kicked him out of his bathroom.

- She didn't kick me out.

I gave it to her.

- You gave it to her?

- Why?

- Because I spit, she sighed,

I felt bad, and here I am.

- You just gave up the bathroom?

That's the most important room of the house.

It's the only place a man can truly express himself.

- Oh, I'm familiar with some of your expressions, dad.

- I'm not kidding around, Mary Alice.

Let the woman have the kitchen and the bedroom.

The bathroom belongs to the king.

- Yes, and it appears Raymond has abdicated his throne.

- It's no big deal, all right?

This is a compromise you make when you live with a person.

- Compromise.

That's what the loser says to explain what happened.

- Look, there's nothing wrong with Debra

having a place in the house that's hers.

- Oh, yeah? Where's your place, ray?

- I got my office.

- You mean your little wooden desk down in the basement

next to the hot-water heater?

- Look, what you two geniuses don't understand

is that ever since I did this,

the wife has been in a great mood.

As a matter of fact, last night, we...

Uh-huh...

And no begging.

- And how long do you think that's gonna last?

- Look, all I know is when I said I'd get out of there,

she's been all happy, and that's good enough for me.

- Why don't you move out completely?

You'll get action all the time.

- I'll tell you why she's happy.

She's the king now.

And who are you?

Look at yourself in the toaster!

You're the court Jester,

shaving in the kitchen sink.

You listen to me, you dope.

You take back this house, or pretty soon,

you'll be outside pitching a tent over the sandbox!

- I don't need to take back this house.

It's my house, all right?

It's always been my house,

nd it'll always be my house, all right?

So just mind your businesses, both of you.

- You know what? You're right, Raymond.

I feel bad about what I said.

You deserve to relax.

Let me run you a hot bath.

- Well, I know, but you shouldn't be going to bars.

You are never gonna meet guys that way, Amy.

Hold on one second.

Ray, have you seen last month's bank statement?

Are you sure?

Where did I put that thing?

Why would you go to a sports bar?

Come on, I mean aren't all those guys in the worst shape?

- I'm sure I put it on this desk somewhere.

- Oh.

- Ah! There we go. I found it.

Oh...

- Wow! I think our bank is ripping us off.

These atm fees are unbelievable.

- But anyway, you know what would be good for you?

On-line dating services. Uh-huh.

- All right, that's it. Get out!

- What?

- "Oh, Amy,

bok-bok-bok-bok- bok-bok-bok-bok."

Get out.

- Amy...

Can I call you back?

Okay.

Is there something wrong?

- You've got every room in the house.

You got the kitchen, you got the bedroom.

The living room isn't mine.

I even handed over the bathroom,

my throne, my very throne.

I would think the least you could do

is let me have my little dungeon down here,

where, by the way, I happen to make all the money

that pays for this whole castle.

Or is that too much to ask?

- No.

- That's right.

Aah!

- What are you doin'?

- What am I doing?

I'm giving the bathroom king his throne back.

- Look, I was just trying to make a point.

I want a little space to myself downstairs.

- Then why didn't you say that instead of giving a big speech

about how you have nothing?

- When did you say, "excuse me,

I just need some space right now in my office"?

- When I sighed.

- You sighed?

- Yeah, I went....

- What? I'm supposed to know what that means?

- Yes, because when you went...

I gave you the bathroom.

- I never went...

You practically fogged up the mirror with your...

Meantime, you didn't get the message,

even though I had to go...

- Okay, fine--

- give me a second. I'm a little dizzy.

- If--if I did sigh,

I didn't mean anything by it.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I know you too well. I know exactly what it meant.

It meant "you smell. Get out."

- Ray, you may smell, but you offered to leave!

- Well, I didn't mean it.

- Well, why did you say it?

- I was being nice!

- Well, this should be a little lesson for you.

You should always mean what you say.

- And you should always mean what you sigh.

- Do you want to know why I sigh?

It's like a pressure valve, a release.

Living with you, if I didn't sigh every once in a while,

I would explode.

- Oh, well, you think you're so easy to live with?

I think I'm very easy to live with.

- Ha!

You are so wrong.

Open up the window and let some of the wrong out.

You--you have so many annoying habits.

- Oh, yeah? Like what?

You know how when you read your magazine in bed

and you lick your fingers before you turn every page?

- So?

- I hate that.

- Get out of here!

- Yes, yes, 'cause you slurp your finger.

- Slurp?

This is not a slurp.

- Oh, it's a slurp, okay?

It's right next to my ear.

Then you take your wet thumb, and you put it on the page,

which, by the way, is disgusting.

- Oh, oh, I'm sorry I'm disgusting you

while you're trying to clean your toenails

with a hanger.

- The only reason I did that was to see if it worked, okay?

And it does...

For the big toe.

- Okay, fine.

And I lick my finger when I read a magazine.

If that's all you've got, you've got it pretty good.

- Oh, I've got plenty more, sister.

I got plenty more, all right?

How 'bout the way you sneeze?

- What is wrong with the way I sneeze?

- Because you don't sneeze. You try to stop it.

Ah, ah, ah!

Nyeah!

Ah, nyeah!

Ah, nyeah!

Do you know how annoying that is?

Not to mention, you could blow out your eye that way.

- Oh? And how would you like me to sneeze?

- Like a person. Just let it go.

A person goes, ah-choo!

Not, ah-nyeah!

- Oh, so I should just let it go

and spray everything, like you.

You sneeze like it's a big Broadway musical finale.

Ah...Choo!

Ah...Choo!

Ah...Choo!

Good night, everybody! Enjoy my mucus!

- I know why you try to stop your sneeze.

'Cause you want to control it.

Yes, it's all about control.

That's right.

You got to control everything,

especially in here.

- Up your nose?

- And into my brain.

- Well, I guess I would use the biggest opening.

- Ha ha ha ha!

Ah, nyeah!

How 'bout-- how 'bout the time

that we were at the pet store with the kids

and that guy had a monkey?

All I did was look at it, and you gave me that face.

- What face?

That "don't even think about it" face.

- Well, you know we can't have a monkey in the house!

- I know!

I wasn't going to buy a monkey.

But you didn't even like that I thought it might be fun.

- That's right, because maybe I don't want to think

that my husband, who I'm married to,

would like to live with a monkey!

- Well, maybe I would.

- Well, maybe I do.

- All right. You know what, get out.

Get out of my bathroom!

- No, you gave it to me, and I'm keeping it.

- What, no, you said I could come back.

- Yeah, well, I changed my mind.

You can just go out and think about monkeys.

Now get out!

- I'm not goin' anywhere!

You--

get out!

- Watch yourself.

- Ha ha! Doesn't even work.

Ah! Hey!

- I warned you!

I warned you, now get out!

- I am not getting--

what, are you crazy?

Are you crazy?

Take it, then!

- You give it back!

This is my shower massage!

- Your shower, yeah, yeah, okay.

Have your shower!

- Drop it! Drop it!

- You drop it first!

- Let's drop it at the same time!

- All right, all right, all right!

- On the count of three!

One...Two...

Three!

- Yes, that's right! That's right!

- How dare you!

Get out of my bathroom!

You are in for it, mister!

- You are in big trouble! - It's my shower!

It's mine! It's mine!

- Hi, kids.

Mom and dad were just having a discussion

about how sometimes we need our own space.

- Yes.

Yeah, that's all. We were just, uh...

Hey, you know what?

I like this thing.

- Yeah, I got it on sale.

- I like it. I like the water pressure.

- Yeah, it's good.

Not in the face, but...

- Yeah. No.

Hey, uh, kids!

Come on back.

- We promise daddy won't spray you again.