Original subtitles

- Okay, we're ready.

Come out, monster.

Monster hungry!

- Hey, hey, Saturday morning.

How about a little quiet, huh?

- Uh-oh, much uglier monster.

Mm.

- Okay, watch the clubs.

- But you're an ugly monster.

- Okay, nevertheless.

And what are you doing? You're not helping any.

- That not sound like monster talk.

- Okay. Come on.

- Okay, it's last call for breakfast.

- Me already had breakfast.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, no monster in the kitchen.

- All right, everybody, take five.

Remember where we were.

Oh, cereal.

- Okay, I'm just going to go hit a bucket of balls.

I'll see you later. - Hey, hey, hey.

Before you kick up your heels and skip to the car,

Just at least pour the kids some juice, okay?

- All right.

Oh, we're out of orange juice.

- Why is that in there?

- I put it back in to remind you that we're out of orange juice.

- I'll get orange juice. - No, that's okay, robert.

- No, no, it's okay. It's not a problem.

Mom's fully stocked.

- Can I go with you?

- I'll be back in a second, sweetie.

Now eat your breakfast, okay?

- He's great, isn't he?

- Yeah, yeah, he's great. He's my hero.

All right, I'll see you later.

- You won't see the kids later.

- No? You found a buyer?

- Robert is taking them to the zoo.

- Oh, yeah?

Oh, well, that's great. He's great.

- Yeah. - That's great.

Okay, I'll see you guys later.

- What? What's going on?

- You see the kids? Look.

- What? They're eating.

- Look.

- Oh, yeah, it's cute when they do that, huh?

- What do you mean when they do that?

They do this?

- You know, once in a while.

- Well, why are they doing robert's thing?

- I don't know, they love him.

- Well, how come I never see them imitating

Any of my things, which are--

They're quirky without being ridiculous.

- Like what? - You know,

Like the face I make when I comb my hair.

- And it bothers you

That the children haven't taken that up?

- I'm just saying that if they're going

To imitate somebody, then they should aim higher.

- What, are you threatened by robert?

- No.

Hey, kids.

Hey, guys, what do you say we stop eating like this?

- But that's the way uncle robert eats.

- Yeah, but what uncle robert didn't tell you

Was that's how he ruined his face.

- Oh, would you stop?

- See, look, watch.

Watch how daddy eats.

Mmm, normal.

And if you want to do something after,

Do this.

Mmm.

Go ahead, try that.

Yeah, all right. That's almost--yeah.

- Got it. - Oh, robert, thanks.

- Yeah, I shouldn't have told ma

You were out of orange juice.

She said she might start checking things

Around here more often.

- Well, someone should check to see

If my head's in the oven more often.

- All right, kids, let's finish up.

And then who's ready for the zoo-zoo-zoobily-zoo?

Yay!

- Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, guys.

Instead of the zoobily-zoo, how about if daddy takes you

To the better zoobery-zoogery zoo?

- What are you doing?

- Oh, nothing, I'm just thinking

That I should take them to the zoo.

- Well, I thought you had golf.

- Well, my children happen to be more important than golf.

- What are you doing?

- Right now I'm eating in a normal human way,

And then the zoo.

- Ray, may I see you

In the other room for a moment, please?

- Yes, and I'd like to have a word with you too, raymond.

- All right, guys, just remember--

Straight to the mouth, okay?

You cannot win if you touch the chin.

- Hey, ticktock.

All this is time away from my kids.

- Why are you doing this, ray?

- Yeah, what are you trying to pull?

- What? Nothing, nothing.

The kids have been asking to spend

More time with me, that's all.

- You're kidding.

- No, I'm not kidding.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Oh.

you believe this?

- Ray, the kids have plans with robert for today.

- Yeah, I even brought some goat food for the petting zoo.

- What kind of guy walks around with his own goat food?

- A guy who's prepared.

I happen to have it left over from last time.

And there's plenty if you want to go with us.

- What do you mean "with us"?

If we go to the zoo, it's you that goes with us.

- Is this about who's driving?

- No, but, look, why should I have to explain myself, okay?

I, as the father, think that it's in their best interest

To go to the stinking zoo with me today, okay?

You can have the day off.

- Oh, it's in their best interest, huh?

Well, maybe it's in your best interest

Not to have me there. - What does that mean?

- Well, I just happen to know for a fact

That they really enjoy my company.

I am, after all, a whole lot of fun.

- They do enjoy you, robert.

- Thank you.

- What, do you think they enjoy him more than they do me?

- Not just them.

- What, so you're saying my kids prefer you to me?

Is that what you're saying?

- Well, actually, you said it,

But if you're waiting for me to disagree,

You might want to take a seat.

- Oh, yeah, well, hey, why don't we just ask them?

- Go ahead. - 'cause I'll ask them.

You don't think I'll ask them? I'll ask them right now.

- Ask away.

- You don't do that to children.

- Oh, yeah, that's right.

You're all about the children, yeah.

I believe the children

Are our future-- - oh, shut up, shut up!

- All right, quit. Come on. This is stupid.

This is stupid. Ray--

You just go golfing,

And you can do something with them tomorrow.

- No, I want to go to the zoo.

- No, you don't. Just go play golf.

- No, you can't make me go golfing if I don't want to!

you are so desperate.

- Oh, yeah, I'm desperate.

A guy who has

Nothing better to do than go to a zoo

All Saturday with some children.

- Okay, okay, see what you just said?

Spending the day with your children is boring to you.

- No, talking to you is boring to me.

- All right, ray.

- It's all right, debra. Let it go.

It all comes from fear.

- What-- fear of what?

- Fear that I might have more to offer your children than you.

- Oh, right.

Yeah, you're opening up whole new worlds to them.

The world of feet that smell so bad,

Your nose had to grow as far away from them as possible.

- I just have one question.

Who do we have a photo of at his children's christmas pageant

Wearing headphones, hmm?

- I think that's the same person who tried

To get the postman to baby-sit one day.

- What are you-- are you on his side now?

yes.

- He started it!

- What? He just wanted to take the kids to the zoo.

- Yeah, well, maybe he should get his own life.

- No, don't listen to him, robert.

Ray, apologize.

- That's quite all right, debra.

As it happens, I do have my own life,

A very full one.

So for the sake of the children,

I'll just slip out the front door

And go enjoy it.

I will also borrow your "tv guide."

- Stare all you want.

You--you know what you're staring at?

The person that's right.

Yeah, so go ahead. Just keep on staring.

What?

- Nothing.

Boy, you're really on a roll today, huh?

Why don't you call up your father

And tell him he's mean and old and fat?

- Sounds like you have something you want to tell my father.

- Listen, I don't care how insecure

You feel about what kind of father you are.

What you just said to robert was way over the line.

- What--look, he should get his own life.

Who is he to come in here

And tell me that I'm bored with my own kids?

Come on, kids, we're going to the zoo.

- Where's uncle robert?

- Um, uncle robert had to go do some police stuff

'cause there was a kitten that got stuck in a tree,

And they need to climb up him to get it.

- Can we go see uncle robert and the kitten?

- No, no, no, no, 'cause you know why?

'cause, actually, it's not a kitten; it's a snake.

- Ray. - Yeah.

Come on, guys, let's get dressed.

Let's get dressed for the zoo, guys.

Come on, come on.

We're going to go to the zoo,

And daddy is going to make his famous zoo snacks.

- So that's your famous zoo snack?

- Animal crackers. Put it together.

- Who told robert to get a life?

- Ray?

- What? It could've been you.

- Oh, raymond, how could you do that?

- Okay, look, first of all, you're only

Hearing one side of the story, okay?

And--and you're taking it way out of context

And then blowing it way out of proportion.

Because I will say this--

The things he said to me were outrageous.

- Like what?

- Like I am not a good father.

- Oh. - That's right.

He said that in my own house in front of my children.

- Oh, he did not say that in front of the kids.

- Well, they were in the next room,

And--and robert has that big, booming voice,

Which to children sounds like god, okay?

All right? So just,

Before you come in here and start accusing me,

Maybe you should just look in the mirror

With robert standing next to you.

- You go to your brother and apologize.

- Yeah, I agree with you, marie.

- I'll fight you both.

- She's right, ray.

- You see, raymond, you don't know

How hurtful words could be.

I don't think you have any idea

How you come across to people sometimes.

- And you do?

- Yes, yes.

I'm very attuned to people's feelings.

I-I would never think of saying

Hurtful or critical things to anybody.

Isn't that right, debra?

- I totally agree with you about robert.

- I mean, robert has problems.

He has many problems,

But--but he is a devoted brother.

- Devoted to bothering me.

- He loves you, raymond, and your family.

How could you tell him to get a life

When he's trying to help you with your children?

- That's exactly what I said.

- Because what I see is that you are at work, at ball games,

You like to play the golf--

- Where do you think he was going this morning?

- Okay, but now I'm not.

- Yeah, well, let me tell you something.

If it wasn't for robert doing things with the children

Once in a while, they'd be sitting

In front of the television set all day.

- But, look, I'm taking them to the zoo, okay?

I've got the snacks.

Kids, zoo!

- Marie, what did you mean by "television all day"?

- Marie, what the hell?

One second, you were making me pancakes,

The next second you're gone,

Which would be great if there were pancakes.

- Didn't you hear my discussion with robert?

He's having a crisis.

- So is my stomach.

- Hey, marie, when you said "television all day,"

You don't mean all day, do you?

- Oh, no, no.

I mean, the kids also have school and sleep.

- But I'm with the kids most of the day,

And I don't sit them in front of the television.

- I'm only reporting what I see.

- But that is so not--

You don't even--

- Hoo-hoo!

- What are you saying, ray?

- I'm just saying, hoo-hoo!

- You listen to me.

I do not sit those kids in front

Of the television all day.

Once in a while, because it's very demanding

To be a single parent, I might just,

To get myself five minutes,

Put on an educational video sometimes.

- It seems like those educational videos

Have a lot of anvils dropping on people's heads.

- Okay, we're ready for the zoo.

- Not yet, kids. Just go up and watch--

Just read a book.

I just think there's a little too much criticizing

Of our parenting going on here today.

- What happened to, "I agree with you, marie"?

- So are you going to finish my pancakes or what?

I'm starving.

- The batter is right there, frank.

You can't pour batter onto a griddle?

- You better hope I can't.

Otherwise, you're on a bus to the home.

- I was just thinking, instead of all that television,

Maybe you can do an art project with your children, you know?

You can make a caterpillar out of an egg carton.

- Hey, this stuff is pretty good.

- Yeah, uh,

Dad, those are goat pellets.

- Now, when you say goat pellets--

- It's food for goats, frank.

- Okay, then.

- Why don't I get you an egg carton

And walk you through your first caterpillar

With the children?

Do you have any eggs?

'cause I understand that you ran out of orange juice earlier.

Actually, the kids are going to the zoo today with--

Uh, me-- with me.

I'm--I'm taking the kids to the zoo today.

Kids, zoo! - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I said I'm taking them, okay? And I'm looking forward to it.

Kids, I'm not going to tell you again, come down here!

- I-I'm taking the kids to the zoo.

You have to apologize to your brother, right, marie?

- Robert is not going anywhere.

Raymond can talk to him later.

Go enjoy your children, raymond.

- Thank you, thank you, mom. Come on.

- And we can make a caterpillar.

- Going to the zoo. All right, yeah.

Dad, I'm going to need those pellets, all right?

- Hey, while you're there, see what the sheep eat.

Here. Go ahead, go ahead.

The bubbles tickle.

Hey, hey, you know, you're right.

This jet is stronger. - Mm-hmm.

- Robert?

- Hey, little bro, what brings you here?

- Hey, yeah, I was just going to come by to talk to you,

But maybe it's a bad time.

- No, no, no, that's okay. We're just hanging.

- Yeah? Uh--

- Oh, oh, oh, I'm--I'm sorry.

Raymond, I would like you to meet my neighbors.

This is colleen and lisa.

- This is my brother raymond. - Hi.

- Hi, hi, yeah, I'm his brother raymond.

- So what's up?

- Nothing, nothing, I just--

I went to the zoo today with the kids, you know?

- Aww! - That's cute.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, you know, I went to the zoo.

Uh, and anyway, at the zoo,

I-I saw these two monkeys

That were picking stuff off each other, you know?

And I-I started to think

About me and you, you know?

'cause they looked like they could be brothers,

And I started to feel bad about what I said, you know?

So all I'm saying-- look, about before, you know--

- Hey, hey, look, don't worry about it, raymond.

You know, after our little discussion,

I was actually feeling kind of down too.

And then I ran into colleen and lisa

And realized that "get your own life"

Wasn't such bad advice.

- Glad I could help. - How was the zoo?

- Yeah, did you have a good time?

- Yeah, well, it turns out the twins

Aren't really interested in animals, you know?

But they did find a bottle cap

That they thought was hilarious.

Yeah, and all ally wanted to do was see baby emu,

But it never came out of its thing.

We saw something moving around back there,

But I don't know, I think it was just some dude.

- Oh, that's too bad. I'm sorry.

Hey, why don't you join us?

- No, no, I don't even have a suit.

- Well, wear mine. It's over there.

See what I did there?

- Robert, you're so funny.

- Yeah, all right, so I'll see you, okay?

- All right, I'll see you.

- Well, wait. What--what, raymond?

Is there something else?

- No, nothing, it's nothing.

I was going to ask you something, but no.

I mean, you're in the middle of something here, so--

- Do you want us to go? - No, no.

We're fine here.

It's all right, raymond. What's on your mind?

- Nothing. You know, it's just--

It's about the kids.

- Oh, what did they do?

- What is it, raymond?

- Well...

You know what you said to me before

About how I find being with my kids

Sometimes to be kind of boring?

- Robert, that's a mean thing to say.

- I think it's true.

- Oh, my god. - What?

- I know, I know.

I'm a bad guy, right?

I-I mean, I love my kids.

I can't wait to see them when I come home,

But after five minutes, I don't know,

I've kind of had enough, you know?

I want to watch sports or even talk to debra.

- Debra is his wife.

- Hmm, lucky her.

- And they did want to go to the zoo with you today.

I should've let them go

'cause I don't know what I'm doing.

- Raymond, raymond, raymond.

I understand you being bored by the kids.

They're kids.

And believe it or not,

I myself don't find playing monster for four hours

All that stimulating either,

But it's not about me.

I do it because they like it.

- Yeah.

- But I get to do something that you don't.

I get to leave.

So it really wasn't fair of me to compare myself to you,

Who has a full-time job

And who is a full-time dad,

And a damn good one.

- Oh, thank you, robert.

- You're welcome, raymond.

- Okay, all right, I'm going to go.

I'll tell the kids that you said hi.

- Great. - Okay, bye.

- Bye. Wow, robert.

No wonder you're such a good doctor.

- You said, "get a life."

- Okay, we're ready. Come out, monster.

- Aah, get him!

- Aah. How much longer?

How much longer?

- Chase us to the castle!

- Hey. Can't--

Can't this be the castle right here?

- Hurry, hurry, hurry! He's going to get us!

- Hey, who wants to go swimming at uncle robert's?