All language subtitles for Everybody.Loves.Raymond.S05E18.Humm.Vac.720p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BS-ing

- Hey, can you
get that, man?

- It's your house.

- My pretzels.

- Someday I'll have
a satellite dish,

And you won't see me
no more.

- Hello. Raymond?

- Even better.

I'm robert, the brother.

- Well, hi,
I'm carol marshall

From humm vac cleaning
systems international.

- Oh, please, come in.
- Oh, thank you.

Ah, you must be raymond.
- Yeah. Hi.

- Hi. I spoke
to your wife last night

About coming by
to demonstrate our system.

- Oh, right.
Yeah, oh, the vacuum.

Yeah, but I thought she said

That we didn't need
a new vacuum cleaner.

Yeah, she did.
I remember because

It was right before
she told me that I have

To go pick up
something from somewhere.

Oh, you didn't happen

To catch any of that,
did you?

- Sorry.

Yeah, so when we
spoke last night,

Things did seem
pretty hectic,

So since I happen
to be in the neighborhood,

I wondered if maybe now
might be a good time

To come show you how wonderful
the humm vac is,

And to offer you this
complimentary lint brush.

- Yeah. I don't know.

My wife says I'm
really not supposed to--

- Come on, ray.
It's complimentary.

- May I, robert?

This won't hurt a bit.

See?

- Ew. Cool.

- And that is yours for being
such a good patient.

- Thank you.

You were very gentle.
- Oh.

Oh, here, I have
one for you too.

- Oh. Oh.

Thank you.

Listen, it's too bad
that my wife isn't here,

'cause she's really
the vacuumer.

- Oh. Well, all I know

Is if I were married
and my husband

Missed out on a chance to make
my life 50 to 75% easier,

Well, I might be
a little annoyed.

- So there's no
mr. Humm vac?

Pretzel?

Vacuum whirring]

- Aah!

What are you doing?

You scared the hell
out of me.

- What is that?

- This is something
that you're going to love--

The humm vac esprit.

- What, you bought this?

- Yup.

- You heard me tell
the lady on the phone

That we do not need
a vacuum cleaner.

- I know, I know,
but it turns out,

We really do.

She showed me
all the dirt.

- You let her in here?

Wait. Wait a minute.

How good-looking
was this saleslady?

- You know what?
She was quite good-looking,

But I'm not afraid
to say that,

'cause that's how good
this machine is.

I would have bought this
from an ugly man!

- You are
such a sucker.

- A sucker
for a great product.

you hear that?

You hear that hum?

That's a fully insulated
4-horsepower motor.

That, madam,
is the sound of clean.

Is it versatile,
you ask?

Check this out.

I did this whole section
in 30 seconds.

Crevice attachment--
boom. Done.

- All right, look,
that's very nice.

- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Watch this.

You're not gonna
believe this.

These pillows
seem clean enough--

To the naked eye.

In a regular vacuum,

There's not
enough suction power

To pick up all the dirt

That the beater bar
kicks up.

- Ray, turn it off.
I vacuumed there yesterday.

- You could've vacuumed here
four of five times

Yesterday
with your old vacuum.

- Ray, what are you doing
to my pillow?

- Patience, my dear.
Look.

The humm vac,
it has up to 50 times

More suction power.

It pulls up dust,
dead skin, pet dander,

What have you,
deposits it all

Into this water reservoir.

No bags.
- Okay.

Listen, you're calling her back
and returning it!

- Still skeptical,
mrs. Barone?

Well, I don't want
to frighten you,

But this is what
your old vacuum

Has been missing.

- Wow.

- It's what we call
the "wow factor."

They build it
right into the system.

This is the filth
that your family's

Been breathing.

Now you just dump it
right down the drain.

- That is pretty amazing.
- Yeah.

Now I'll show you
how to do the drapes.

- You're gonna do the drapes?

- No, no, silly.

The humm vac's gonna
do the drapes.

I'm just gonna take
the credit.

- I have never been
more attracted to you

In my entire life.

- Want to try?

- Okay.

- Your first time.

I envy you.

- Hello, dears.

- hi, marie.

- Hi. I was
passing by my window,

And I couldn't help
seeing into your window.

And I notice
you bought a new vacuum.

- It's amazing what this thing
picks up, marie,

And no bags!
- No bags!

- I am so glad
this worked out.

- What do you mean?

- Well, when the saleslady
called me and told me

She had the greatest
cleaning innovation

Since the broom, I immediately
thought of you.

- You sent her over here?

- Of course.

- I did not know that.

- Well, you two enjoy.

I would never want
to interfere with housework.

- Now might be a good time
to tell you

About the free
eucalyptus room freshener.

Take your shoes off.
I just vacuumed up there.

- Hi, marie.
- Hello, dear.

- Am I interrupting
anything?

- Oh, no. I'm just letting
frank's pants out again.

It's in god's hands now.

- Um, you know, marie,
something was bothering me,

And I just wanted
to ask you about it.

- Of course, dear.

What is it?

Well, um,

You know this afternoon
when you said

That the saleslady
told you that she had

This great new
cleaning device,

You immediately
thought of me.

Why was that?

- No, really, marie,
why?

- Is this
a trick question?

- Uh, no.

It just seems like
you're always implying

That I don't
keep a clean house.

- Well, now you have
a little help.

- But you didn't
feel the need

To buy a humm vac?

- Well, that machine
is for people--

It's like,
if you have a bad leg,

Then you need crutches.

- And your legs are fine?

So there's no dirt
in this house?

- Not since
I've lived here.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Oh, you brought
your new vacuum here.

Do you need me
to show you how to use it?

- No. Nope.

I know how to use it.

I just want
to show you something.

- You're going to vacuum
my house?

- You know,
my house might appear

To be a bit
more cluttered than yours,

And, yeah, all right,

There's the occasional
crumb, dirty dish.

I'm not saying
that there's no dirt.

Yeah, there is,
but that's every house.

Every house
has dirt, marie,

Even this one.

- Well, I must say,

I think that maybe
you're going a little bit--

- Excuse me, marie.
- Okay, okay.

- This is what we call
a high-traffic area.

- You're going
against the nap.

Did anyone ever
teach you about nap?

- Okay.

Now, let's take a look

At what we like
to refer to

As the "wow" factor.

- That water
looks very clean.

Wow!

- Well, let--
let me just, uh,

Let me just try
under the couch, okay?

There we go.

'cause it can get
pretty nasty under here.

Okay.

Damn it.

- Is it me,
or does that water

Look even cleaner?

- Well, I'm still

Kind of getting the hang
of this, so--

- You have to understand,
dear,

That vacuums
don't clean houses.

People clean houses.

- You know, maybe I just
didn't have this

Pushed all the way in.
That's it.

- Well, you're welcome
to keep going.

It's probably good practice.

- Where are my pants, marie?

I'm freezing here!
- Oh! Coming, frank!

Oh, you've worked up
quite a sweat.

When I come back,
I'll bring you

Something cool to drink.

- Hey, what are you doing?
- Give me your shoes!

- What?
What are you doing?

- You and the kids
were in the sandbox

This morning, weren't you?
- Yeah. Why?

Oh, no, did parker's cat
get in there?

- Come on!

I need some dirt!

I'm gonna shut
your mother up,

Once and for all.

- You gonna fill
her mouth with dirt?

- No, on the rug.

She's gonna see she needs
this vacuum like anybody else.

- Come--ow!
Untie it first!

- Oh, come on,
give me the other one.

- Oh, no.

- Damn it, the one day
that you're not a pig!

- I think you're getting
a little nuts here.

- Oh, it's plastic.
It's plastic!

Even her dirt's
not dirt!

You know what it is?

It's this
stupid vacuum cleaner.

I told you
not to buy it!

- No, no, no, no, no!
Don't! Stop it!

- Hey, what's with
all the yelling?

- I don't think debra
could find any dirt.

- Okay, all right,
there's no dirt here.

You win,
but I am sick of you

Making me feel like
a bad person because

I don't keep my house
exactly the way you do.

A clean house is not
the most important

Thing in the world.

- You know
who says that?

A messy person.

- All right,

As hard as this is
for you to believe, marie,

I do like
to keep a neat house.

I'm just not going to spend
every spare minute cleaning it.

- There are no spare minutes.

You have a family
to care for.

That's what you do.

- Yes, I do.
I care for my family.

I spend my time
enjoying them,

Not sterilizing them!

- Are you saying
I don't love my family?

- No, that's not--
- because there's nothing

In the world that I love more
than my family.

- Ow!

- Easy.

- No, it's just that this house
is so clean

And so arranged,
it's not exactly

The warmest place
in the world.

- How could you say that?

- Well, I mean, come on--
plastic slipcovers.

- That's to protect
the upholstery.

- Oh, all right, so it
protects the upholstery,

But how do you think
it makes people feel?

- Hot and sticky,

Especially in the summer

When I'm
in my altogether.

- I say thank the lord
for the slipcovers.

- Oh, come on, ray.

You make jokes about those
slipcovers all the time.

- You joke
about my slipcovers?

- No way.
No, that's not my style.

- What did you just say
about the plastic

And the powder room
and the guest towels?

- Tell me, raymond.

- Just that, you know,
it's like there's--

There's china
that we never use,

And there's towels
that we never touch.

It's like you're
saving everything

For a special occasion
that hasn't happened yet.

It's not even a joke.
It's more like

A humorous observation.

he's right.

What are those little towels
with the gold fringe for?

For when the pope
comes over here

To use the downstairs can?

- Be quiet.

- I'm using 'em.
- No, you're not.

Are you happy now,
raymond?

- Oh, come on, ma.
It's not a big deal.

- I'm just trying
to give my family

The nicest and cleanest
home I can.

- And you do.

- Let me tell you something,
raymond.

When you boys were little,

You were always
outside in the dirt,

And then you'd
tromp through here

Like it was a bus station,

And robert
with his gigantic feet,

It was like having
a horse in the house.

No, no. It was
not funny, no.

It was all I could do
to take care of this place.

- Hi.

- Take off your shoes.
- Huh?

- Take your shoes off.

You're not in a barn.

- Do what she says.
We'll give you a carrot.

- Well, what's going on?
- Okay, you see, marie?

This is what
I'm talking about.

You're so obsessed
with the house being clean,

Look what you're doing
to your son.

- All right.
Fine, fine.

Put your shoes back on and

Gallop around here
all you want.

- What?
- Put them back on!

- Yeah, and check
the expiration date

On your feet.

- What are you doing?

- Everyone wants me
to change?

I can change.

I'm taking the covers off.

- But where are we
going to sit?

- You can sit right here
on the couch,

Because I don't care
about these things anymore.

I'm nothing
if I'm not flexible.

- What are you saying,
marie?

We can sit on the couch?

- Be my guest, frank.
Go ahead.

- So we can really
sit there,

On the actual couch?

- Go ahead. Enjoy.

- You first.
- No.

- Would you sit?
It's a couch!

- You see, debra?

I can change.
I can let go.

It's nice fabric,
isn't it?

- It's very nice.

- I feel
a little naughty.

- Can't wait till summer.

- Hey, hey,
what about you, marie?

You've spent
all these years

Knocking yourself out
cleaning.

You should enjoy this.

- That's right.

Thank you, debra.

Excuse me.

This is nice.

dad, what are you doing?

- Look what you did!
Are you happy now?

- You're making me nervous,
giving me the skunk eye!

- We're putting
the plastic back on.

- No, no!
What are you doing?

- Look,
you don't understand.

- You can put the cover
back if you want.

You know, do whatever
makes you happy.

My family comes first.

You might want to take
those cushions outside

And shake them out first.

Come on,
I'll show you how.

- Come on.

We'll shake them out.

Can you do the chips, debra?

Can you pick them up, please?

yeah. No problem.

Jeez.

- Hey, take a break,
already.

- Oh, man,
isn't this thing great?

I wish they made
one of these you could ride.

- Here, I made you
a meat loaf sandwich.

- Oh, thanks.

- Mostly sunny skies today
with brisk easterly winds.

Expect a high near 52 degrees,

Clear tonight,
with a low near 41.

Tomorrow--

Aah!

You see, our old vacuum
couldn't do this.