Original subtitles

- All right, see you later.

- Okay. Have fun driving your little scooters.

- They're not scooters, okay?

They're professional go-karts.

You know--you know they're go-karts.

- Look, don't get mad at me. Andy's the one who wants to go.

He's all excited about it. I don't want to go.

- Ray, I heard you making "vroom, vroom" noises

In the bathroom.

- What are you listening to me in there for?

Read a book.

- Hey, good news, raymond.

They had "the meat lovers pizza special" today.

You order one meat-lovers,

You get another free meat-lovers.

- You know, after breaking up with amy,

I know you swore off women.

But I don't think turning to meat is the answer.

- Very funny. That's a good one.

I got side salads and wings too--

All for the big game. All right?

So fire up the satellite,

Because the food's gonna be here any minute.

- Oh, man.

Robert, I completely forgot about this.

Me and andy, we...

Got to go to work.

- What, on--on a Saturday?

- Yeah, Saturday, tell me about it.

We lost our columns in the computer.

Apparently, some janitor,

He spilled coffee on the motherboard.

- All right. Okay, well...

You know, maybe we'll do it next week, huh?

- Yeah. Definitely. Next week.

Don't even try to get out of it. We're doing this next week.

- Okay. All right.

Look, you mind if I use your phone?

- No, no. Go ahead.

- Why can't robert go with you?

- Yeah, right.

Why don't I bring you too?

What are you doing?

- That book is boring.

- Oh, you should read more often.

- Ray!

Hey, ray!

Are you upstairs?

- Yeah, but we're reading!

- Ray!

- Dad?

- Let's go. Your brother's in the hospital.

- What happened? - What do you mean?

- I don't know. He's in the hospital.

Queens hospital. - But why?

- He was on duty, he got hurt.

That's all they would tell me.

Let's go. - Oh, my god.

- Mrs. Scarpula's coming over. She'll watch the kids.

I'll meet you at the car.

- Oh, my god. Robert.

Robert? - Oh, my baby.

Oh, robbie. - Hi, ma.

- How are you doing, son?

- Are you okay? What happened?

You look okay. - Yeah, I'll be fine.

- Oh, robert. Oh. - Debra, be careful.

- Are you okay? I didn't mean to hurt you.

- No, no, I'm okay. Hugging is fine.

- Oh, good. Oh.

- Oh! - What happened?

Were you shot? - No.

- Switchblade? - No.

- Who did this? Tell me who did this to you.

- What are you gonna do, ma?

- You'd be surprised.

- All right, all right. Back it up.

Let's back it up a little.

Some guys were running a rodeo,

And we got the call to shut 'em down.

- Wait a minute. Rodeo?

What is that, police talk for whorehouse?

- No, it was a real rodeo, a rootin'-tootin' rodeo.

- In new york? - In queens.

It was an illegal rodeo.

See, these guys set 'em up in parking lots

With animals, rides, music.

- This city's got everything.

- So we roll in, and everyone scatters.

We were running after them,

And then we realized some of the animals

Were heading down queens boulevard.

- So I took off after the horses.

- You always wanted a pony.

- All right, ma. Nobody cares about that.

What happened to you?

- Well, the horses were too fast,

So I gave up.

And then I hear, ba-boom, ba-boom.

And I look over... And there he is.

- Who? - A bull.

- A bull?

- Yup, a big ol' bull.

He was tied to a telephone pole,

But he broke loose.

- And then he started heading right for judy.

- Oh, my god.

- Well, what happened?

- Well, I yelled, "hey! Hey! Bull!"

And I don't know.

I guess I distracted him, because he stopped cold.

And then he turned...

And then he started coming for me.

- Oh, no. - Oh, yeah.

It was like that wall street ad.

- Or that malt liquor commercial.

- So he's coming towards me, right?

- Did you get away?

- Where are we, ma?

- Oh! Oh, my god.

- I'm telling you, the ground, it shook.

- Why didn't you run?

- I did run, dad.

I don't know if you've ever been in this situation before,

But the first thing that comes to mind is "run."

So I'm running and running,

And he's getting closer and closer.

And then his horn gets me.

- And my feet are off the ground

Like--like I'm flying.

Incredibly painful flying.

And then he tosses me aside like a sock.

And I'm on the pavement,

And he gives me a couple of snorts

And lumbers up the ramp and into his trailer.

- Unbelievable.

You were gored.

- By a freakin' bull.

Holy crap.

- But where did he get you?

- In my adductor magnus.

- Your what?

- It's my upper thigh area.

- Sounds like he got you in the ass.

I'm not--I'm not laughing.

It's horrible. It's horrible.

I'm not laughing.

- It's "upper thigh."

- Oh, I hate all this police business.

I always knew I'd get this call.

- Really?

The "your son has been gored in the ass by a bull" call?

- It's upper thigh.

- Your job is so dangerous.

They should've prepared you better.

- Yeah, they should've started you out

As one of those clowns in the barrel.

- You know what? Enough already.

This is a serious injury.

And I don't see you taking a bull for your partner.

- Hello.

Officer barone, I just need to check your iv.

- What? What? What?

- Do you realize,

In a group that includes your father,

You're being the most insensitive?

- Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with dad.

He must be tired.

Come on, he's okay.

Laughter's the best medicine, right?

I'm keeping it loose. I'm keeping it light.

- How about keeping it shut?

- See, you're funny. You should get in there with me.

- Pretty lucky.

If you're gonna sustain a puncture wound,

The best place is actually a fleshy area like the rump.

- You know, I, uh-- I'm getting a little tired.

I really think that's enough visiting for today.

- All right. You rest, sweetheart.

- Okay. See you tomorrow.

- All right there, son.

Take it easy.

Good job.

- Don't try and move so much.

- I'll be back a little later, robert.

This'll teach you to pick up an extra shift, huh?

- Yeah, really.

All right, I'll see you guys, huh?

- Wait a minute. What do you mean, extra shift?

- Well, he said you had to work, so he came in early.

See you.

- Okay, we'll see you, robert. You feel better, okay?

- Okay. Thanks, deb.

- Yeah, yeah, feel better, all right, robert?

Oh, my god.

- What? What's the matter?

- It's all my fault. It's my fault.

- The stupid go-karts.

For the rest of my life,

I'm gonna have robert's ass hanging over my head.

- All right, let's get back to bed now.

- Ow, ow, ow, ow! Ow!

I'm hating this. I'm hating this!

- Hey, robert.

How you doin'?

- Good. I'm doing great, raymond.

I was just showing her a magic trick.

- Well, you look great.

And, hey, guess what?

From your past,

A special, special lady.

- Oh, god.

- Come on.

- Hi, robert.

- Amy...Hi.

- You know what, I'm gonna get you a bigger seepage pad.

- Thank you.

- Robert, I heard about what happened.

- Yeah, it's nice to see you again, amy.

- You too.

- I'll be back later.

Don't forget to fill out your menu.

Remember, you're on a soft diet.

- Correct me if I'm wrong.

Sounds to me like someone can have all the soup he wants.

Huh?

There's in the world like soup.

Well, stew. Stew is like soup.

- So you're looking well.

- I read about you in the paper.

You're famous.

- Great.

- Look at this, amy.

The animal rights people sent robert a thank you

For the humane way that he stopped the bull.

- All right, raymond.

Look, amy, it was nice of you to stop by.

- Oh, okay.

I guess you should get your rest.

Get better, all right? - That's what I'm here for.

- That was great seeing amy again, huh?

- Yeah.

Once we stopped dating, I was worried

I wouldn't get to be humiliated in front of her anymore.

- So I heard you're--you're packing up and going home soon.

That's good.

- I'm not going home.

- What do you mean? Why not?

- I can barely hobble, ray.

I can't take care of myself.

I have to move in with mom and dad tomorrow.

- Oh, god.

- That's right.

- Hey, come on, cheer up.

Come on, cheer up.

Cheer up or I'm gonna get you.

All right. Look...

I got to tell you something.

When you took the extra shift

Because I didn't watch the ball game with you,

I know that you thought I had to go to work.

But, see, I kind of forgot that we had plans,

And I didn't want to hurt your feelings,

So I-I told you I had to work.

But really...

I went with andy to drive go-karts.

- Why are you telling me this?

- What do you mean?

I feel bad. I want you to know.

- You want me to know that. - Yeah.

Yeah, and to give you this "get well soon" card.

Yeah, see?

The monkey slipped on the banana.

I got it 'cause it looks like he hurt his upper thigh.

- So you want to make me feel better.

- Of course I do. What do you think?

- I think you want to make you feel better.

- What?

- All this, ray--

Your little telethon here,

The balloons, and the guest stars.

This is because you feel guilty.

And then by telling me that you dumped me

So you could sit in a bumper car with andy,

How's that supposed to make me feel better? Huh?

- Go-kart.

- Well, as long as you feel better.

Good night, raymond.

- All right. Well, listen--

- I said, good night. - But I don't feel--

Come on, robert.

Robert, come on.

Robert, you can't do this here.

Okay, you're gonna end up in the basement

With a tag on your toe.

I'm telling you, I did what you said.

I went over there, I gave him compassion,

Told him how I felt.

Made it worse.

Nice goin'.

- And how exactly did you show your compassion?

- With balloons.

- Did you tell him that you care about him?

"you're number one!"

- Why don't you try actually telling him

That you care about him?

- All right, look, don't get all girlie on me, okay?

He's my brother.

- He doesn't know that you care about him.

- He knows.

He knows I would do anything for him.

- Yeah, and he knows because you dumped him for andy?

Because you told him you dumped him for andy?

Or because you feel bad that he's mad at you

For telling him that you dumped him for andy?

- First of all, nobody likes a mock multiple-choice.

And therefore, there will be no "second of all."

Hey, robert. You busy?

- What do you want?

- Just to hang out.

Ah, my old room.

I'm glad someone else can enjoy it.

You got the stereo, vcr.

You got a nice setup here.

Ah, walkie-talkie.

What's the eta on that apple juice?

- Apple juice coming up.

- Hey, robert,

I got all the papers you been in in the last few days.

- I've seen them.

- Here's my favorite.

"runaway bull, cop gets horny."

I think it's clever.

- Eh, it's just headlines.

Nobody reads that, really.

- Here's your apple juice, dear.

All right, I'm going to the store

To get you some more yodels.

Do you want anything else, dear?

- My dignity.

- Silly.

- Listen, uh...

I just want you to know...

That...

You know, I'm sorry about what happened to you.

And, you know...

You're my brother, and...

I really care about you.

- Who told you to say that? Debra?

- No. What do you-- what do you mean?

Of course not.

I'm telling you how I feel about you.

- What you say doesn't matter, raymond.

Okay? Just go.

- Come on.

- Ma!

- What are you gonna do, get her to throw me out?

- I just need her.

Ma, do you copy?

- She went to get your stinkin' yodels.

- Come on, what do you want?

What is it? I'll do whatever you want.

- It's 3:00. I need my bandage changed.

- Ma! Come in, ma!

- Relax, raymond.

I can do it myself. It's bothering me.

- Listen, I'll do whatever else you want.

I'm just not good with the body in general.

I prefer it to remain a wondrous mystery.

- I'm not asking you to, raymond.

- You know, mom's gonna be back real soon.

- Eh, forget it.

- All right.

All right, come on. Let's move you over this way.

- What are you doing? I said you didn't have to.

- I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do it. I want to do it.

How do you do it?

- You're gonna change my bandage?

- That's right. It's the upper thigh, right?

- Okay. The fresh ones are over there.

- Guess this is my payback for not changing enough diapers.

- Are you gonna do it or not?

- Yeah. Yeah. What do I do?

- Just lift up the plastic and take the old bandage off.

- Okay.

This is kind of like christmas morning...

If I was really bad.

- What's the matter?

- Nothing. It's, uh--

It's just...

- Big bull.

- Yeah.

Yeah. What do I do now?

- Just put on a new bandage and put the plastic over it.

- I don't know. I hope I'm doing this right.

- You're doing good, raymond. You're doing good.

- Here. Come on.

- Thanks.

- Hey. Where are my keys?

- Good yodel, huh?

- Yeah, but this one's hard to peel.

- Little pieces, man. Little pieces.

- Coming up on "news 2 at 11:00,"

We have exclusive home video of a police chase.

Only this time, the police are being chased

By a bull.

You won't believe it.

All that and more, coming up on "news 2."

- You looked good.