Original subtitles

Come on, I've got to get her something.

- What'll I get her? - Get her a giant dildo.

I think she's probably got one. Look at that.

Don't give Gordon Ramsay any more money. He gets enough money from being a cook.

He's more than just a cook, though.

Why? He's a cook. He cooks stuff. My mum used to cook stuff everyday.

I ate it, I didn't die. If it was a bit bland, I put some salt on it. Easy.

No, but it's more than that. I mean, look at him.

He's got a sort of something about him, doesn't he? He's a kind of a hard man.

Why is he hard? Because he shouts at people who work in kitchens.

Who works in kitchens? The French, women and gays. Oh, he's hard.

And why does he shout at them? Is it a matter of life and death? No.

Have they failed to advance on an enemy bunker? No.

Their soufflé turned out slightly disappointing.

- Get a life! - Look at you.

What is... Oh, God. What is that?

What is that? He's tied up in pasta. "I've suffered for my tagliatelli."

Looks like an Amnesty International poster.

What? Who is this aimed at?

Menopausal women who want to get a glimpse of him

with his shirt off cooking pork chops.

Put it down if it's making you angry. Come on, put it away. Don't look.

- Look at his face. - Great. Help me.

Look at these. Is that a wee bit much?

- Just get her that. - No.

I want to get something that she'll really like. I just can't get any old rubbish.

Why? You don't even know her. You're gonna spend ages here.

20 quid in a gift. 15 quid in a cab.

What reaction do you expect? And you're not gonna get it.

You're gonna give it to her, she's gonna go, "Thanks," and put it down.

She's pissed up. She's with her mates.

The reaction per pound spent is not going to be good enough.

What, so, by that logic, you don't ever buy a present for anyone ever?

No. People who appreciate it. Orphans, widowers, people with nothing.

They're just happy to have something to unwrap. But not her.

Like Goran, that foreign fellow off the film.

Yeah. Wife's been murdered.

Get him 10 quid's worth of tat, and he's gonna be going,

"This is best gift I ever had."

That's what you should do. You should get him a present.

Thank him for getting you the line.

If he's forgotten about the line, he'll be looking at you and going,

"Oh, I must remember to get some line for the kind man."

Now you're doing something to help me.

It's difficult, innit, with him? What do you get him?

I know. Something light-hearted, cheer him up a bit.

Yeah. Something light-hearted.

It's just that I've never bought something light-hearted

to cheer up a man who's wife's been brutally slaughtered.

- What do you suggest? - I don't know.

How about Flubber?

Brilliant.