Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

Gosh, I'm pretty sure I just saw a cougar about 10 feet

from my front door.

It's just me and you, and you're a camera.

Right?

I'm all alone right now.

And I want to build a whole new shelter.

It's imperative.

Then I can be warm and cook my food and have the rain off me.

That's huge.

ALAN: I'm just kind of in a rut now.

So it's like, what's left to prove, you know?

I'd rather be home, reading a book to my kids right now.

I just started losing it.

I'm just bored and I just want to go home.

I'm so sick of this place.

Sick, sick of it, sick of it.

So sick of it.

This is going to be a bitch.

We have to film it, and we're totally alone.

Nobody knows what it's like here, except for the 10

guys out here, doing it.

I'm going to get shelter.

MITCH: There's nobody here but me.

LUCAS: It's so hard doing this alone.

I'm scared to death right now.

ALAN: I feel like I'm starving.

[growling]

I'm pretty sure I just saw a cougar.

Oh, [bleep].

SAM: The last man standing wins $500,000.

[theme music]

MITCH: I don't want to go home.

I want to win.

This is the chance in a lifetime,

but it's not worth dying over.

[music playing]

Hello.

I haven't filmed anything for a few days,

because life has just been that bad here.

The weather's terrible.

My body is just kind of shot.

All I've done is laid still.

And when I stand up, I feel dizzy.

I don't know what I'm trying to adjust to,

if it's food or what.

But between the inactivity and just being laid out,

there's been nothing to talk about.

[music playing]

Food is what's on my mind right now.

Morale and psychology, meh, they're there.

They fluctuate.

But the food thing, it's been a bit lean the past few days.

When I stand up, it's like--

[blowing air]

[babbling]

I'm going to have to go get some hemlock bark at some point,

because I'm going to need some kind of starch or carbohydrate.

Because it's just like, my energy level has dropped,

and I have to will myself to take my foot up to walk.

It's like, move!

Come on, move!

I know you can do it.

You're sitting there, and like--

[groaning] --there's a step.

So when you get that tired, something's missing.

You cannot maintain this kingdom of manhood,

this temple of testosterone on seaweed alone.

Can't be done.

I've been looking around for slugs, anything-- you know,

better food.

Because I was starting to feel the loop-di-dos.

Because of the tides, I've not been

able to do anything about food.

I've not been able to check my fish trap,

because I know I need to do some work on it.

I've not been able to look at the gill net.

I've not been able to do many things that I need to do,

because the tides have all been happening at night time.

It's been very, very hard on me.

Past four days have really taken a toll, really have.

Not much ingestion other than just

run down, get a handful of seaweed--

which, I mean, you know, that's just something in your stomach

to say, OK, don't die.

So that's that.

And hopefully I'll find something-- insects,

slow-moving hikers, anything, stray dog, cat, rat.

Wishing for a German chocolate cake.

I'm going to find something-- hey, when I get out of here,

I'm going to find a German, say, "Excuse me,

could you make me a cake please?

I couldn't help but notice you were German.

I love what you've done with the cake."

But yeah, it's that kind of deal.

And I'm wondering how long do I want to do this?

You start thinking about home.

You start thinking about just stuff.

I mean, I've done everything I came out here to do,

and feel like I've done it well.

But it's like, how long are you going to keep going, bud?

I'm like, I don't know, just whenever.

I guess I'll know when the time's right.

Whenever that's-- enough's enough, I'll Sally forth,

sashay, saunter, gallop, frolic my way out of here.

So that's where we are.

[dramatic music]

[instrument playing]

[lucas harmonizing]

LUCAS: Been out here about a month now.

I haven't gone too crazy or I already am.

It doesn't sound like a long time

when I think about it, because it's just one month.

But the reality is, is that it feels

like many different experiences--

so many.

I've made like, two or three different shelters.

That thing that looks like it's on fire in the background

is really just my smoky teepee.

Just nice lean-to with a flat top that provides me

a workspace, a fire.

[rain lightly falling]

I built here, emptied out, got my boat operational,

found clams, started catching fish, built an instrument.

It's just been a wild ride.

You know, the isolation, the not steady diet,

the lack of full calories, not eating, filling myself, doing

this all, dragging around camera equipment,

building, making, doing, trying to stay warm,

trying to stay healthy, try not to get sick,

trying to find medicine, and then working with your past,

and working with your present, working with your future.

You know, my past is coming up.

It's already come up.

It still comes up.

My relationships with people I used to have and still have

and making peace with all of that.

You know, and making peace with being alone.

This has just been--

it's unlike anything I've ever experienced.

I can't run away.

I can't stress that enough.

I have to look at my life.

I have to look at how I feel about things.

I can't stuff the emotion away with something else.

I can't stuff it away with food or with another relationship

or with a phone or with an internet or with an activity.

I have to look at it.

And yesterday, I broke down.

I broke down and I wailed.

I wailed in the forest again.

I just--

[weakly laughing]

And it's amazing because you can cry in the forest,

and nobody can hear you.

And you can just--

[imitating a yell] let it out, man.

You can just yell.

You can just yell.

And I did for a little bit.

And most of time, I'm concerned about my prestige or position

in the world or getting ahead or being somebody.

Maybe it's because I wasn't really great at sports

or I wasn't really a great artist

or I was really a great musician or I wasn't creating anything.

You know, a lot of this, I think,

is just accepting who I am at 32.

It's like a pre-midlife crisis or something.

I don't know.

Damn it, I wish I was stronger.

I just don't know if I got it in me.

[crying]

[dramatic music]

SAM: None of the traps were triggered last night.

I am so hungry, and it's just wearing on me.

So today, I said I am going to try to hunt something.

[music playing]

I'm going to go ahead and take the bow into the Enchanted

Forest back here to see if we can't find ourselves

some squirrel.

When you bow hunt in Nebraska, you get your bow,

and you set up on a deer trail, and you wait for the deer

to come.

And when it gets to 15 or 20 yards, you shoot it.

On Vancouver Island, I seen nothing--

no little animals, no medium sized game like raccoons.

I haven't seen a single porcupine.

There's nothing to get.

There's not even any rabbits out here.

This is totally just a last ditch effort to get some food.

I don't care if it's a mouse or if it's a worm,

I just want something edible.

If I don't eat, I'm going to die.

What is that?

[animal calling]

[music playing]

I'm going to go out and hunt, find ourself some squirrel.

[suspenseful music]

What is that?

[animal calling]

[bow shooting]

Just missed him.

Man, this sucks.

So I do have a mouse that I caught in the traps

this morning, so we'll eat that.

Other than that though, pretty hungry.

Things are just going south really, really fast.

[exhale]

Dear Lord, thank you for this day.

Thank you for the mice you blessed me with.

It helped me to not feel down when I do have failures

out here.

And thank you for every small success

that I've had out here, Lord.

Amen.

[somber music]

It's that first light.

The wind is blowing in such a way--

I would estimate 60, maybe 65 miles an hour.

It's that intense.

You can hear the wind.

I'm going to put on socks and boots

and walk down and just kind of see where the tide is at here.

This is kind of near first light,

so I just want to look and see kind of where it is.

I might grab some seaweed.

I'm pretty hungry.

And if it's low enough and something's in the gill net,

I'll cut it up and throw it in the pot.

Or just anything I can find really, because it looks

like I'm going to be laid in again today

because this weather's pretty foul.

I'm not going to take my pot or my knife,

because I've gotten rain water in the pot that has collected

overnight.

I've got to funnel it into my gallon.

[groan]

My feet feel numb.

The pins and needles-- achy, but kind of numb.

And the gill net's not going to be

where I can get to it anyway.

There's a lot of chop on the water.

Wasn't even worth getting out here really,

but I felt like I needed to come look.

So at first light, the gill net is like, half exposed.

So in the next two to three days,

it'll be optimal to come out at first light

and check the gill net, and I can start feeding again.

Because I'm not very well nourished right now,

just to be honest with you.

I've not--

[sigh]

I've not eaten the past couple of days like I need to.

It's been very minimal, just enough to stay alive.

Just some seaweed, you know?

A couple limpets here and there.

So I'm going to come down here and get some seaweed,

because I've got to keep going.

I can't just totally neglect my nutrition.

I feel like I'm starving.

Hey, here's some bull kelp.

[music playing]

Yeah.

Let me look at this up close.

It's got some fungus growing on it.

But I'm going to wash it off and go for it anyway.

It's not too bad.

Yeah.

It's not bad.

It's nutrition anyway.

Now, I'm going to go for some bladderwrack.

And I'm going to go lay back in, cause this weather is not

the kind of weather you want to be out in.

All right, back to bed.

Back in the house, I go.

[suspenseful music]

[lucas vocalizing]

LUCAS: At first I really wanted to win because I didn't want

to look like a failure, and that was like my own personal battle

with insecurity--

just being insecure and being worried about what people

think of me.

Now I'm over it.

I've done some cool stuff out here that I'm proud of,

that I'm proud of, and hopefully my family and friends

are proud of.

You know, you start worrying about how good you are compared

to other people, you'll never win.

You'll never win at anything.

Being here gave me the opportunity

to reflect upon my life in a way that I've never

had a chance to reflect on it.

I realize that, for me, there's something bigger going on here,

something bigger going on that wasn't about the money,

wasn't about the prize, and wasn't about being number one.

OK.

There's a point where you just got to go.

[music playing]

[rain lightly falling]

All right, let's do this.

All right, I'm making the call.

This time I'm done.

You know, I was trying to win, and I let that go.

I came in here with two intentions--

to see if I could win, and I also came in here

to experience being alone in the wilderness

and to see what I could do and see what it would be like.

And what I found was incredible.

It wasn't just the physical stuff--

make a shelter and put up fish lines and find water

and boil it.

There was a lot of stuff inside that came out.

I started to find pieces of me that I never yet shook hands

with or pieces in me that I didn't want to look

at because they were painful.

It was hard.

I came in here to see how far I could go.

[whistling]

And I don't want to push myself past a point

that I can't come back out of.

I'm happy now because there's a story in me that

needed to be written.

This chapter's done, and there's another chapter coming up.

Those feelings and that rawness I touched out here,

that vulnerability-- like, that compassion--

I'm going to see if I can take it with me.

And I'm going back with a different sense of me,

a different sense of who I am.

I can't wait.

[music playing]

MITCH: Check out what I just found.

I just found a dead sea otter.

Move all this seaweed.

You know, the natives in this area used to highly prize

their pelts.

Oh, man.

His hide might be salvageable.

That'd be pretty cool-- a nice project to work on.

Would love to have a sea otter hide back home.

[music playing]

My biggest fear is not connecting to land,

not having a relationship with the land,

not communicating with--

the land not communicating with me.

Because when you go to a place, they have feelings, you know?

Some places feel sacred, some places feel sterile.

Sometimes the land just rejects you,

and the person perishes, their boat sinks,

their dog sled team dies.

Everything happens and, like, they die.

If you keep wandering places and not finding what you need,

it's like the land doesn't want you there.

OK.

[sigh]

That was a brutal job.

It's completely dark right now, and I had

to kind of hack and pack it.

This is my sea otter hide.

Oh, that's amazing.

What a gift.

[dramatic music]

SAM: I'm definitely losing it--

not good mentally.

I am not good in the head right now.

Man.

I just-- I'm not used to feeling this way.

I'm not used to feeling this helpless.

I've never had this feeling before.

It's like every time I'm in the woods, I'm really happy.

But now, just how crazy this whole thing has been

and how difficult it is and the fact that I'm just so

isolated out here.

And that I just want to speak to my wife.

And I just want to--

I just want a little taste of comfort.

I'm not asking for much--

just, like, a little, just something, you know?

And I'm just getting the crap beat out of me out here.

It's not something I can sustain.

Man.

There's no way to experience how tough this is unless you've

actually been in a situation like this or done this before.

There's no way to explain it.

It's like your heart's just getting pounded on,

and you're just hungry all the time.

All day, you're just hungry, and you just

want a little something to eat.

Even, like, a handful of just plain flour,

I'd take right now--

just, like, a little something.

Something like an orange just sounds luxurious.

You just want something, something

to eat to get you calories so that you can just feel better,

but it's nothing there for you.

I just want something.

[music playing]

ALAN: All right, I got suited up.

I got my pot.

I got the fire started, and I put enough on there

to hopefully keep it going while I'm gone.

But I went down, and I was looking kind

of around the gill net area.

And I saw the gill net pop a couple times,

the top line, which tells me something's probably in it.

So whatever that takes, I got to get one meal there.

One meal's better than no meal.

There is one dogfish, that my net was moving for a reason.

It's not too shabby.

Not too shabby of a meal right there.

Two nice fish, a lot of good vegetables, limpets, mussels.

I'm just going to cap it off and take that puppy to camp.

And it did start raining, but now it's backed off again.

So I'm glad I did it.

I hope my fire is still it.

All I've got to do is bring this to a boil, and then I'm eating.

Be interested to see what's happening with the fire.

Yeah.

Gone.

Dag gone, that fire is gone.

[music playing]

Full raging fire and that's all that's left, coals.

Walk down to the beach, come back, it's gone.

That's how fast this stuff burned.

I'm running out of time.

But just real quick, I'll show you.

See I put those curly pieces on there?

So when you stoke them--

[blowing]

- -they just come right back to life.

That's how you recover your fire.

Still got that going.

I'm just getting pieces like that,

and I'm setting them in there, trying to keep it alive,

keep it going.

This thing is a constant struggle.

And with the weather, I've just had to lay in.

It's been really challenging.

It's like wait, wait--

now, run!

Go, get it!

And you got an hour to do all these things-- fire, food,

clean up, get water, come back, get it boiling.

Mm.

Jackpot.

Yeah.

These aren't the best tasting fish in the world,

but I'm blessed to have them.

Because somewhere in the world right now,

there's somebody that would give anything

if they could have this meal.

Here comes the rain.

Boy, I'll tell you.

This place here will keep you hopping.

[rain rapidly falling]

Please let that rain hold off.

Give me 10 minutes.

Not going to happen.

Oh, well.

I've been wet before.

[rain pouring]

Now that's starting to feel like a storm.

I got to eat what's left of this chow with a quickness.

This is without a doubt some of the worst weather

I've ever lived through.

This place just--

[sigh] it changes so rapidly.

And sometimes it'll toy with you.

You know, it'll look like it's about to rain and it won't.

And then here you're looking, thinking,

OK, well, I need to do this so I'm going to get up.

And in about time you stick a toe out the door--

- [imitating explosion] - -rain, and then a blizzard.

It's just-- wow.

Who can keep up?

[dramatic music]

MITCH: So I got up at 10:00 today--

beautiful, a perfect day.

Ready to take on the world, man.

You know, this is good.

You know, I'm, like, putting my microphone on

and doing everything I have to do to film.

And I was going to do my intro for the day.

And then I was like, no.

I don't want to do my intro right now.

I'm just not feeling good all of a sudden.

[thoughtful music]

It's amazing how quick your emotions can turn.

Before I left, my mom became really sick.

She was diagnosed with cancer, brain cancer.

She knew she might not be there when I get back.

She told me to keep going, if I was here when it happened.

She made me promise I'd stay.

I don't know if I can do that.

I think tomorrow's just like Thanksgiving, you know?

But I don't know if she's going to be there when I get back.

Because the doctor said the cancer was very bad,

the prognosis was very short.

I could lose what time I have left with her.

I just think maybe I'm making a mistake,

and I just keep thinking about how fast it happened.

I'm not ready to lose my mom.

I'm just not ready to lose my mom.

[crying]

And the longer I stay here, it's like more time away from her.

I don't get it.

[music playing]

ALAN: I'm so over it.

The weather--

[disapproving humming]

There's snow on the ground, and now it's raining.

So now we have the combination of frigid cold and raining.

It's just-- wow.

So I'll be laying here today in the bed.

I can't think of any good reason to get up and get out there.

Just in the time it takes me to get out of bed

and go to the door of my shelter to urinate,

my hands just tighten up, the skin on them.

You know, it's just this penetrating cold and moisture

combined.

So I won't be doing anything until the weather changes.

I have water laid in.

And that's all I really need today,

is to lay here and hydrate.

The psychology part is really kicking in.

I'm really thinking to myself, OK, what are you doing here?

What more is there to do?

You know, you can live here.

You've came, you've done.

Now-- what?

Now what?

Who are you doing any good out here?

You know?

I'm not helping anybody, not doing anything.

I'm just doing survival stuff, which I already know I can do.

So it's like hm, yeah, you start to sort of think about that.

[dramatic music]

[heavy sigh]

MITCH: I have a lot of anxiety not knowing if my mom is OK.

And it just hit me really hard when I was splitting wood.

It just stopped me dead in my tracks.

It just, like, took my breath.

I couldn't-- I couldn't pick up my ax for another swing.

I just couldn't do it.

I still haven't done it.

My ax is still laying there.

[thoughtful music]

How is she doing?

I have no idea.

Is she back in the hospital?

I have no idea.

Like, how do those treatments go?

I have no idea.

Made me promise I'd stay and not go back home.

I don't know if I can do that.

I mean, the cancer's in her brain.

They said it can't be beaten.

She had, like, up to a year prognosis,

maybe even a couple more months, the doctor said.

She's probably doing fine, but sudden things can happen.

You know, her getting sick was sudden.

It was instant.

It was like, mom's fine.

Like, no, what do you mean?

Nothing-- mom's 100%.

And all of a sudden it was like, mom

gets rushed to the hospital.

Something is very wrong.

I remember talking to her when they were wheeling her out

of the ambulance towards the emergency room doors.

That was tough.

Even if she's 100% right now, everything's not fine.

I don't know.

I really don't know why I'm here.

[music playing]

[heavy sigh]

I have a lot of anxiety not knowing if my mom is OK.

How is she doing?

I have no idea.

I don't know.

I really don't know why I'm here.

I'm just trading more time at home for time here,

and it just seems wrong.

I can sit here and keep living off the land.

It's like, I can just keep doing that, and for what?

For more enjoyment?

For more money?

No.

No.

I'm her son.

That's my mother.

And I know in my heart, I need to go see her.

I'm done.

I want to go home.

[music playing]

I need to see my mom, man.

You know?

And I know it.

So when you know these things, you know these things, period.

When you think for as long as I have out here in the woods

alone for this many days, it changes you.

I mean, it changes you.

I'm not the same person.

I just can't wait to get back home to make people's lives

better, to make people happy, to take the weight off of people's

shoulders, to lighten their step.

I can't wait to do that.

[suspenseful music]

[rain falling]

[exhaling]

The frustration is kind of kicking in a little bit.

I'm getting a little more, just, cranky, I guess.

SAM: You just get to the point where you're--

[exhaling]

- -when you just don't want to be out here anymore.

ALAN: I set my mind to come in here

and survive and do this thing, and that's what I'm doing.

And part of me is like, man, how long do you want to do it,

you know?

You're sick of it.

You're just sick of it raining.

You're sick of the wind just pounding on your shelter,

and you're sick of it all.

[groan]

This place, you know--

I'm starting to hate it.

I could make a phone call right now

and say, hey, I'm tapping out.

I'm done with this.

This is just not fun anymore.

ALAN: I'm ready to go home.

I guess what I'm waiting on is to hit a wall.

To just kind of come to a point-- either,

I don't know, physically, mentally, or whatever--

to where I just, I'm done.

I really, really want to just get out of here

and get warm and get dry and get food and talk to my family.

So I guess I'm going to just keep driving on until I can't

drive on, you know?

I'm not real big into quitting anyway.

Most things that I do, I don't quit at.

I just get it done.

This is not good right now, but you know what?

That doesn't matter, because sometimes--

like, sometimes in your life you're going to want to quit.

Things aren't going to just be happy.

It's not always just going to be sunshine and roses

every single day.

Bad things are going to happen.

So even though I might want to just go be comfortable

right now, absolutely no part of me is tapping out.

That's a fact.

They'll either come and get me one day

and say, OK, you're done.

You can stop now.

Or they'll medevac me out of here.

I just don't believe in quitting.

I don't.

I just don't quit.

Absolutely no quit in me.

I'm a tough Nebraska dude.

I'm not quitting.

I'm not giving up.

I'm staying here no matter what.

[dramatic music]

When you don't have any food, you just kind of--

it's like you're walking in a mental fog.

SAM: Wow.

Shoot, I look really bad.

And it just keeps getting worse and worse.

This is bad.

ALAN: The weather has just been terrible.

It's been high winds, hurricane force.

I haven't taped anything in three days

because there's nothing to tape other

than me just sitting here.

SAM: This is the toughest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

This place is just beating the crap out of me.

ALAN: I still honestly don't know how long I have.

I could just go home.