Original subtitles

Whoa! Thanks, Eric!

- Morning, Wade! - Love the new wheels, pal!

The north's nothing but sunshine and blue skies.

Everything is green. Everything is in bloom.

- It's a beautiful morning-- morning-- morning-- morning--

I think today is gonna be a beautiful day.

Hm?

- Hah! - Knuckles!

- Knuckles, help me!

- You gonna rescue him? - No.

Yeah, I wouldn't either.

- Do something! Mr. Jorgensen!

In order to become a true warrior,

he must learn to rescue himself.

- Ah! Knuckles!

- Wade is going to be just fine.

- No, I'm not!

- Hello, Wade. - Jack?

Are you shocked to see me?

- What? - You will be.

- Ha!

Yeah!

You feeling this?

Ah, that's a good chap.

- You're through the worst. - Really?

Feels like I'm in the middle of the worst right now.

Whatever "it" is.

Let me tell you the first rule of bounty hunting.

- Know your target like he's your former best friend.

And in this case...

- Captured!

- ...he is.

The treasures one finds on Facebook Marketplace.

The guy I bought it from was a total weirdo, though.

Jack, please don't do this to me.

I believe I already have.

Do you even know why there's a price on my head?

Do you even care?

When did you become so heartless?

The second rule of bounty hunting.

Never let things get personal.

You're my best friend! This is very personal!

You're right, Wade. I should level with you.

I'm in dire financial straits.

Due to my lawsuit against an unnamed

rainforest-themed restaurant franchise,

I don't have two pennies to my name.

I told you, the robotic birds in that restaurant

make the same joke no matter who walks in.

- They were personal attacks!

- Okay! Whatever!

Never mind.

Turning you in equals turning my life around.

But if it helps, I'm truly sorry.

- Yeah, that does actually help. Thank you. - Terrific.

Jack, think about it. How did we get here--

- Do not touch bars. - Simple.

I trapped you, lured you, and cleverly snared you.

I was hoping for a little bit more of a fight, to be honest.

I mean, as friends. How did we get here?

First Reno and the Renegades, now this stupid bounty.

Did you ever value our friendship at all?

We had a good run, but you and I are like...

the frog carrying the scorpion across the river.

Oh, my God. Not with this story, it goes on forever.

You allow me to ride on your back,

despite knowing I cannot resist my nature to sting you.

Even if it means we both drown.

Except,

I'm also a scorpion who knows how to swim.

An exquisite scorpion with beautiful hair

and a way with the ladies.

Alright, let's get this show on the road!

- Jack... Jack.

- Do not touch bars. - Ouch!

- Woo-hoo!

Sorry about that, gang.

One quick drop-off, then it's Reno, baby. Woo!

- Karaoke time.

You ready, Susie's dad? Whose name I can't remember.

For the third time, it's Bill!

I don't care.

- Take it, Susie's dad!

You didn't tell me you were gonna throw it.

Jack!

Jack!

- Do not touch bars.

Come on, buddy.

If you're waiting for me to be at my all-time lowest,

I am there right now, so come and save me.

Come get me.

Whenever you... feel like it--

- Knuckles, help me!

- Louder, Susie's mom! - Okay!

- Oh, come on, dude.

Jack, if this is a prank call,

I am really not in the mood for it right now.

Listen to me, Wade. Time is of the essence.

Knuckles! You have to bust me outta here.

You must bust yourself out, Wade.

By learning where a warrior's true strength lies.

Okay, I understand what you're trying to do--

You will travel to our ancestral lands,

- the Great Battleground in the Sky. - Fine.

Now, clear your mind

- and slip into a deep meditative state.

I think it's working. I'm ascending.

Let's put some wattage in this cottage!

- I'm ascending to-- - Electrocute!

Do not touch bars.

- Where am I?

I'll tell you where you are, Wade.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Calm down.

Here, let me make you more comfortable.

Whoa.

Let's try again.

I'll tell you where you are, Wade.

The Great Battleground in the Sky!

The Great Battleground in the Sky is...

- a bowling alley? - Well, for you it is.

For most people, this place has more of a Florida feel,

with all-you-can-eat shrimp.

But this is your battleground.

Okay. Who are you?

My name's Pachacamac.

- Wait. Knuckles told me about you!

You're the legendary leader of the Echidna tribe!

In the flesh, baby!

Well, it's an honor to meet you, Chief, um...

- Pachacamac. - Yeah. Chief... Pamachacaw.

Pachacamac.

Parmesan.

- Pa. - Peh.

- Cha. - Jor.

- Ca. - Mar.

- Mac. - Za.

You know what? Mac's fine.

Okay. If that's... easier for you.

I certainly have no problem with the correct pronunciation.

- Yeah, right. - Wait, things are starting to make

some obviously clear and logical sense.

Knuckles must've sent me here because this is my next lesson.

Hold on. Are you gonna teach me something amazing

and essential to my real-life predicament?

I'm not just going to teach it to you, Wade.

I'm going to have it sung to you

as part of a low-budget rock opera.

Now, please open your mouth.

Um, I'm not really comfortable with that.

- Just do it, man. Rainbow! - I'm actu--

Wait.

I'm not in the show, am I?

Prepare yourself, Wade, because if you want to learn

where Knuckles' true strength lies,

- you must see this quest...

...through his eyes.

You must become him.

This is going to be awesome.

Wait.

I'm Knuckles? I mean...

I'm Knuckles!

Hey, Wade, don't make this

weirder than it already is.

Got it! Good note!

- Hello, Wade. - Jack?

Uh, what is Jack Sinclair doing here?

Clearly, you two have unfinished business.

Ah, yeah, no, fair point. He does have me locked up

in a giant cage right now. Uh, proceed!

Father, you can't leave me.

I won't, son. I never--

No!

- Can I go to the bathroom? - No, we're doing something.

- I really gotta go. - Tough.

Michael Bolton, everyone!

My fists! The secret is in my fists!

That's right. That makes a lot of sense.

Thanks, everybody! Got it.

- Could've been an email!

What? No!

Hey, wait! That's not the right lesson!

I got it from here!

- I know exactly what to do!

- Of course.

Time to unleash the source of my true power.

My fists.

Why did I think that would be a good idea?!

- Seriously, do not touch bars.

Oh, I shoulda listened to the rest of the story.

Take me back, Chief Macamacachalkadoo.

Well, well, well, look who's back.

You gonna let us finish now?

Yes, sir. I apologize.

Great.

Okay! Okay! Thank you!

And now, I'm afraid

this is the end of your story.

Ow.

- Oh...

- Oh, my back, too.

How the devil did you get out?

I should've reinforced the cage!

- With my true strength.

Nothing?

Jack Sinclair,

I challenge you to a duel.

For my freedom, my honor,

and that sweet leather jacket!

Finally, the day gets interesting.

A duel it is.

Spry.

These blades were forged by Hattori Hanzo himself.

The sharpest, strongest blades on Earth.

Great!

Hiya!

Oh, boy.

Wade!

Kufafanua wakati!

I suggest you find a ride.

What?!

I said I suggest you find a ride!

Still didn't hear it.

What?

- What? - I can't hear you.

I'm sorry, I'm not hearing you all that well!

- I can hear part of it, but not all of it. - What?!

You need a vehicle!

In order to fight me.

Oh, okay!

Got it!

- Hey.

How you guys doing? That is...

one cool bike. Caught my eye.

You think I could borrow it for a few seconds?

- Sure. No problem. - Thanks.

For 10 G's!

Look, here's four bucks. I'm a deputy lieutenant sheriff.

I would never do this ordinarily,

but I am commandeering this vehicle.

Hey!

Alright, Wade. You can do this.

Just trust your true inner strength.

You're gonna die, idiot!

That's not cool! You don't know!

- Woohoo!

Ah!

Yah!

Woohah!

Looking for this?

My locks. M-My beautiful locks.

What have you done to me?

You're lucky I didn't do a whole lot more.

- Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Barnes!

You know, I'm sorry things got

a little bit outta control back there.

Finish him, Wade.

With pleasure.

I'm gonna need that jacket.

- And the vest. - It...

It's my favorite leather jerkin.

Leather what? I don-- Just give it to me.

And... the shirt.

- No, no. - It's happening.

- Please... It's-- - Sorry.

We were friends. We were best friends.

Former best friends.

Don't look at me. Don't look at me...

Uh, do you know the third rarely referenced rule of bounty hunting?

- Wha... - When faced with a worthy opponent,

you run the hell away!

Don't look at me!

- Don't look at me! - I did it!

- Is that... - It can't be.

It is.

Mother.

- Sister.

- Wade. Get off the grass. - Yep.

- Yep, sorry.

He's ready.